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- [CLACKING]
- [SOFT BAMBOO FLUTE NOTES PLAY]
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{\an8}["SLEDGEHAMMER" BY PETER GABRIEL PLAYS]
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{\an8}[ROAR OF CHEERING AUDIENCE]
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♪ Hey, hey, you ♪
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♪ Tell me, how have you been? ♪
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[CHEERING GROWS LOUDER]
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♪ I wanna be ♪
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♪ Your sledgehammer ♪
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♪ Why don't you call my name? ♪
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Thank you very much! Thank you, everybody!
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[CHEERING SWELLS]
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Thank you.
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- Please, take a seat.
- [AUDIENCE QUIETS]
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Thank you so much.
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Thanks for coming out.
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Yeah, man.
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We're here.
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- [SCATTERED CHEERS]
- Yeah.
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[CHEERING GROWS LOUDER]
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- [CHEERING FADES]
- Well,
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let me ask you guys something, man.
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Are they gonna keep taking
our Confederate statues down or what?
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- [LAUGHTER]
- [MAN] Yeah!
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[LAUGHTER]
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Just taking the temperature of the room.
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- I don't know who's here, you know?
- [LAUGHTER]
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[GROANS DISGUSTEDLY]
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- "That's a weird one to start." All right.
- [LAUGHTER]
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Yeah, I've been on this,
uh, phenomenal tour,
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and I've, uh, I've met people
I never thought I would meet in my life.
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Recently I met a supermodel,
which is wild because...
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Well, I don't think she wanted to meet me.
I should be clear.
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I was in a... a fancy hotel in Toronto,
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and somebody that worked there,
they go to her, "Hey, he's a comedian."
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And she was like, "Okay."
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[LAUGHTER]
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And then they go, "She's a supermodel."
I was like, "I can see."
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[LAUGHTER]
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And what struck me is that they are
so much better-looking
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than you think they're gonna be.
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Like, you see in a magazine
or on your phone,
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and you're like, "She's pretty."
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But in person, you're like, "What the fuck
is happening right now?"
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[LAUGHTER]
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And then you realize
that it's a genetic freak.
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[CROWD CHUCKLES]
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It is. If you are a supermodel,
you are a freak.
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You are no different
than a seven-foot-tall man.
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- [LAUGHTER]
- I don't know
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if you've ever met a seven-footer.
I have. It is unsettling. All right?
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You basically... you go, like,
"Am I a child? What... What is happening?"
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This woman
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was so unbelievably good-looking.
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Like, five seconds into our conversation,
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I stopped speaking and listening.
All right?
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[LAUGHTER]
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I was looking at her
like she was at the zoo.
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I was like...
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[LAUGHTER]
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I was like, "Let me see your ears."
Was looking for flaws.
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[LAUGHTER]
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She was absolutely perfect.
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And then my next thought was,
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"Why can't my wife just drown?"
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- You know?
- [LAUGHTER]
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[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
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She knows. I told her. She knows.
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[LAUGHTER]
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She's like, "You know I can swim, right?"
"I know."
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"Doesn't matter if you can swim.
It matters if a jury believes you can."
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- So...
- [LAUGHTER]
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[SNORTS]
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I've, uh... I've been to
unbelievable places because of this job.
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It's... It's really crazy.
I've... I've seen amazing places.
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Been to Rome. Hong Kong.
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Machu Picchu. All because of this job.
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And then, there's other days.
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[CROWD CHUCKLING]
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Like, I had to go to Topeka, Kansas
to do a show.
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[LAUGHTER]
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We went because they bought tickets,
but we got the fuck out right away.
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[LAUGHTER]
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There was something cool
that happened there,
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which is that my show there
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was protested
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by the Westboro Baptist Church.
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Uh...
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- [MUMBLES]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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Don't know if you know them.
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Sometimes they're in the news.
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[CROWD CHUCKLES]
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If you're like, "Oh, really?
There's a church in the news? But why?"
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[LAUGHTER]
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Well, sometimes they also protest
dead soldiers' funerals,
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cool shit like that. And...
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I was backstage, and my tour manager
came in the room, he goes,
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"Westboro Baptist Church is here."
I was like, "To see the show? Really?"
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[LAUGHTER]
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And he was like, "No."
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Said, "They're protesting."
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And they were out front
with their dumb fuckin' signs.
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[CROWD CHUCKLING]
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Their homemade signs 'cause they're poor.
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- Uh...
- [LAUGHTER]
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They had signs made that said,
"Tom is a sinner."
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And I was like, "Yes."
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- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [MUMBLES]
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Yeah.
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True.
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- [CHEERS FADE]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
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Then they had, like,
real hateful signs too
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that said, uh, like, "God hates gays."
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But didn't say "gay."
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[LAUGHTER]
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It was another word.
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[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
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[LAUGHTER SWELLS]
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Your dad says it when the Cardinals lose.
You know, like, uh...
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- [LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
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All right, your uncle.
Somebody says it. Uh...
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[LAUGHTER]
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I took offense.
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Not so much to the word
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as the implication.
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That God hates gays.
I don't think that's true.
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I think God has a people problem.
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There are too many people,
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and that is not gay people's fault.
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- [LAUGHTER]
- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
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Because they butt fuck.
I have to spell everything out?
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[LAUGHTER]
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Jesus.
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You can nut as hard as you want
in somebody's ass
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over and over and over,
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and something will come out,
but it's not a baby.
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Uh...
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- [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
- [CHEERING]
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I mean...
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[CHEERING CONTINUES]
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Still worth taking a picture of,
I would argue.
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[LAUGHTER]
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Maybe give it a name.
It's not gonna live long. Uh...
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[HUSHED LAUGHTER]
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[LAUGHTER SWELLS]
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I'm not gay, but...
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I am not above checking out a dude.
I'm serious.
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Like, if I'm at the beach
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and there's some super fucking, like...
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just yoked dude there,
I'll be like, "Hey."
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"Nice."
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[LAUGHTER]
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"Very nice."
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"What's your protein intake?
What do you do?"
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"Cardio and lift? Of course."
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Then a hot chick'll walk by.
"Get outta here. What are you doing?"
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[LAUGHTER]
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I think the gayest I ever was...
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[LAUGHTER]
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...was in February.
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[LAUGHTER]
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That's when I did my shows in Los Angeles
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and Brad Pitt came to my show.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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Look...
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I do not know what year he was born
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or how many infants he consumes in a week,
but that man...
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- [LAUGHTER]
- ...is stunning. All right?
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He came into my dressing room.
I couldn't make eye contact.
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Do you understand?
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I was like, "Hey, what's up, man?
How you doing?"
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[LAUGHTER]
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He goes, "Look at me." I was like, "No."
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[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
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He goes, "Come on." I said, "Shut up."
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[LAUGHTER]
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[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
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He goes, "Wanna give me a kiss?"
I was like, "Yeah."
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- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
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He goes, "Do it." I went...
Like that, I kissed him.
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- [LAUGHTER]
- What?
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- [CROWD CHEERING]
- [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
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- It wasn't gay.
- [LAUGHTER]
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- We took a bath later. That was gay. But...
- [LAUGHTER]
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...we talked about sports,
so it balanced out, you know?
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I think you're lucky
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if, in this life, you have, like,
one real friend.
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You know? Like a true friend.
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I think I have four.
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- Brad Pitt...
- [LAUGHTER]
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Um...
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I call him Pitt Stop 'cause we're close.
Uh...
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[LAUGHTER]
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And three other guys.
People you know intimately.
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Like, you know
each other's secrets and stuff.
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Like, one of my friends,
I know that he hides that he smokes weed
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from his wife. His name is Casey.
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- Um...
- [LAUGHTER]
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One of my friends hides
that he eats McDonald's from his wife
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because he's fat, and his name is Charlie.
200
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[LAUGHTER]
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[LAUGHS DEVILISHLY]
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I guess they know now, but, you know...
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It's wild when you find out something new
after knowing people that long.
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I've known these guys, like, 25, 30 years.
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And I found out last week,
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so 25 years into these friendships,
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that I'm the only one who eats ass.
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In that entire group. Isn't that...
crazy to you?
209
00:10:02,607 --> 00:10:03,566
Like...
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
211
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I guess I'm friends with a bunch
of third-graders. I don't know. Like...
212
00:10:14,452 --> 00:10:15,703
[LAUGHTER]
213
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One of the guys is newly in love too.
Justin. Newly in love.
214
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Usually newly in love people
are really on board, you know?
215
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Because everything's rainbows
and butterflies.
216
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Like, every day Justin's like...
217
00:10:28,007 --> 00:10:29,091
[GIGGLES GLEEFULLY]
218
00:10:29,175 --> 00:10:30,551
[LAUGHTER]
219
00:10:30,635 --> 00:10:31,886
[SOFTLY] "I'm in love."
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I go, "That's great. Did you eat her ass?"
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He's like, "No."
222
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I said, "So you don't like her."
223
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[LAUGHTER]
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And he was like, "No, I do."
And I said, "No, you don't."
225
00:10:45,274 --> 00:10:46,525
[LAUGHTER]
226
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"If you did, you'd give her
the sweetest kiss of all."
227
00:10:49,528 --> 00:10:52,031
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
228
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- And he goes, "That's where she shits."
- [LAUGHTER]
229
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- I was like, "Yeah, don't do it then."
- [LAUGHTER]
230
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Wait a while, you know?
231
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Put her in a bath or something.
That's what I did with Brad. Now...
232
00:11:09,215 --> 00:11:10,841
[LAUGHTER]
233
00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:13,511
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
234
00:11:17,390 --> 00:11:19,475
[APPLAUSE FADES]
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He goes, "You're gross."
I was like, "Whatever."
236
00:11:23,312 --> 00:11:26,816
And he said, "That's what a dog does."
I said, "Excuse me?"
237
00:11:26,899 --> 00:11:28,442
[LAUGHTER]
238
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He goes, "A dog licks its own ass."
239
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I said, "First of all,
240
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if I could lick my own ass,
241
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I wouldn't be on tour, all right?"
242
00:11:37,785 --> 00:11:39,245
[LAUGHTER]
243
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I would do it until a doctor
told me to stop.
244
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[LAUGHTER]
245
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He would have to sit me down
and be like,
246
00:11:45,751 --> 00:11:48,796
"You're not gonna have an ass soon
if you don't knock this off."
247
00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:50,256
[LAUGHTER]
248
00:11:50,339 --> 00:11:52,425
I'd be like, "But it feels good."
249
00:11:52,508 --> 00:11:54,844
[LAUGHTER]
250
00:11:54,927 --> 00:11:56,637
And he'd go, "I don't trust you."
251
00:11:57,304 --> 00:11:59,515
"Gonna put a cone around your neck."
I'd be like...
252
00:12:00,683 --> 00:12:03,602
"I can take it off with my paws." Okay...
253
00:12:03,686 --> 00:12:05,980
[LAUGHTER FADES, SWELLS]
254
00:12:06,063 --> 00:12:08,607
Sorry, that was very stupid.
I'm sorry. Now...
255
00:12:10,568 --> 00:12:14,029
I wish my dad was still here, you know?
He died a few months ago.
256
00:12:14,113 --> 00:12:17,324
And I understand it's part of life.
It happens to everybody.
257
00:12:17,408 --> 00:12:21,787
And, uh, you know, I... I just... I had never
visited somebody sick in the hospital.
258
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,873
That was a new experience. It's strange.
259
00:12:23,956 --> 00:12:26,500
If you've never done it,
you get to the hospital
260
00:12:26,584 --> 00:12:29,754
and then somebody that works there
goes, "Are you here to see..."
261
00:12:29,837 --> 00:12:32,631
And you go, "Yeah." They go,
"They're gonna die soon."
262
00:12:32,715 --> 00:12:35,593
And you're like, "I thought so too.
That's why I came."
263
00:12:35,676 --> 00:12:36,510
[LAUGHTER]
264
00:12:36,594 --> 00:12:39,597
And then they go, "You can go in there
and watch that now."
265
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:41,307
And you're like, "Thanks."
266
00:12:41,390 --> 00:12:42,558
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
267
00:12:42,641 --> 00:12:45,519
Personally, I feel like
watching somebody die
268
00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:47,605
that you're not trying to kill...
269
00:12:48,981 --> 00:12:51,525
- is weird, you know?
- [LAUGHTER]
270
00:12:51,609 --> 00:12:54,612
Like, it's different if you have somebody
and you're like...
271
00:12:54,695 --> 00:12:57,031
[LAUGHTER]
272
00:12:57,114 --> 00:12:58,407
And they go, "I'm dying."
273
00:12:58,491 --> 00:13:01,285
Like, "I know. I want you dead.
That's why I'm doing this."
274
00:13:01,368 --> 00:13:03,162
Probably feels good. I don't know.
275
00:13:04,163 --> 00:13:09,043
I'm assuming it's a euphoric feeling
that you chase forever and ever. But...
276
00:13:09,835 --> 00:13:12,505
Ask Garth Brooks.
He'll tell you all about it. So...
277
00:13:12,588 --> 00:13:14,965
[LOUD CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
278
00:13:20,137 --> 00:13:21,347
Come on.
279
00:13:22,181 --> 00:13:24,517
Where are the bodies, G?
280
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,685
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
281
00:13:26,769 --> 00:13:27,812
Please.
282
00:13:27,895 --> 00:13:30,397
[CHEERING CONTINUES, FADES]
283
00:13:30,481 --> 00:13:33,400
- Connect the dots. Now...
- [LAUGHTER]
284
00:13:33,484 --> 00:13:38,781
I will tell you this. I did have
a great conversation with my father.
285
00:13:38,864 --> 00:13:41,826
And I hope if you're ever
in that situation, you get it too.
286
00:13:41,909 --> 00:13:45,079
We had this great talk.
And then he just drops this on me.
287
00:13:45,162 --> 00:13:47,915
He goes, "You know
what I've never told you?"
288
00:13:47,998 --> 00:13:50,543
And I was like, "No. What?"
289
00:13:50,626 --> 00:13:53,254
And I was really hoping he was gonna say,
you know,
290
00:13:53,337 --> 00:13:55,506
"There's a treasure
buried in the backyard."
291
00:13:55,589 --> 00:13:56,841
[LAUGHTER]
292
00:13:56,924 --> 00:13:57,925
"It's for you."
293
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:03,430
I go, "What have you never told me?"
He goes, "I like a full bush on a lady."
294
00:14:03,514 --> 00:14:06,267
And I was like, "What? What?"
295
00:14:06,350 --> 00:14:09,353
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
296
00:14:09,436 --> 00:14:11,355
He goes, "Your mother
keeps trimming hers."
297
00:14:11,438 --> 00:14:14,191
- I go, "Hey, what the fuck, man?"
- [LAUGHTER]
298
00:14:15,568 --> 00:14:17,862
I go, "Why are you telling me this?"
299
00:14:17,945 --> 00:14:21,740
- And he goes, "Who am I supposed to tell?"
- [LAUGHTER]
300
00:14:21,824 --> 00:14:24,451
I go, "The Lord.
You're about to meet him."
301
00:14:25,452 --> 00:14:28,914
And that was it. Then he said the "N" word
and then he died. [MUMBLES]
302
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:32,126
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
303
00:14:34,211 --> 00:14:36,672
It was his last wish.
304
00:14:36,755 --> 00:14:37,756
All right?
305
00:14:39,008 --> 00:14:41,176
Yeah. Make-A-Wish was pissed.
306
00:14:41,260 --> 00:14:43,596
[LAUGHTER]
307
00:14:43,679 --> 00:14:47,391
They were like, "We don't do that."
I was like, "Well, maybe you should."
308
00:14:47,975 --> 00:14:50,436
If it was between saying that
or meeting Tom Brady,
309
00:14:50,519 --> 00:14:52,855
I'd be like, "Fuck Tom Brady.
I wanna say it."
310
00:14:52,938 --> 00:14:56,233
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
311
00:14:56,317 --> 00:14:58,986
[LOUD CHEERING]
312
00:15:02,072 --> 00:15:05,409
What really sucks about losing a parent
is when you have kids.
313
00:15:05,492 --> 00:15:08,871
'Cause you want your parents
to hang out with your kids, you know?
314
00:15:08,954 --> 00:15:11,123
Like, I have... I have two boys.
315
00:15:11,206 --> 00:15:13,292
They're six and three.
316
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:15,252
And they are boys.
317
00:15:15,336 --> 00:15:19,089
Like, real "he/him" s,
if you know what I'm saying. Uh...
318
00:15:19,173 --> 00:15:21,008
[LAUGHTER]
319
00:15:23,218 --> 00:15:25,596
Don't worry, we asked them.
All right? [MUMBLES]
320
00:15:26,430 --> 00:15:29,433
They were like... [GRUFF] "Definitely."
We're like, "Oh, okay."
321
00:15:29,516 --> 00:15:30,768
"It's up to you."
322
00:15:31,894 --> 00:15:33,020
Now...
323
00:15:33,103 --> 00:15:35,147
[HUSHED LAUGHTER]
324
00:15:35,230 --> 00:15:37,524
- [LAUGHTER SLOWLY BUILDS]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
325
00:15:37,608 --> 00:15:40,945
[LOUD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
326
00:15:43,447 --> 00:15:46,784
Luckily, I have a cousin
that lives near me
327
00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:49,119
and he has two girls the same age.
328
00:15:49,203 --> 00:15:51,246
Six and three.
329
00:15:51,330 --> 00:15:54,083
So I get this wildly different experience
330
00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:56,585
up close and in person
331
00:15:56,669 --> 00:15:57,711
all the time.
332
00:15:57,795 --> 00:16:01,006
And these girls come over to my house.
My God.
333
00:16:01,090 --> 00:16:04,802
What did I do wrong where
I didn't get girls? These girls...
334
00:16:04,885 --> 00:16:06,804
they show up, and they're like,
335
00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:08,472
[SOFTLY] "Hello, Uncle Tommy."
336
00:16:08,555 --> 00:16:09,807
[LAUGHTER]
337
00:16:09,890 --> 00:16:11,976
I go, "Hello to you."
338
00:16:12,059 --> 00:16:13,394
[LAUGHTER]
339
00:16:13,477 --> 00:16:15,145
They go, "Where should we sit?"
340
00:16:16,730 --> 00:16:18,148
I go, "Try one of the chairs."
341
00:16:18,232 --> 00:16:20,484
[LAUGHTER]
342
00:16:21,193 --> 00:16:23,404
And they go, "We would like to color."
343
00:16:23,946 --> 00:16:25,114
I go, "Please."
344
00:16:25,197 --> 00:16:27,825
[LAUGHTER]
345
00:16:27,908 --> 00:16:29,868
And then they sit down
346
00:16:29,952 --> 00:16:31,912
and they fucking color.
347
00:16:31,996 --> 00:16:34,581
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
348
00:16:35,416 --> 00:16:38,043
An hour later, I can go into that room
349
00:16:38,127 --> 00:16:40,212
and they're like...
[HUMMING PLEASANTLY]
350
00:16:40,295 --> 00:16:42,589
[LAUGHTER]
351
00:16:44,383 --> 00:16:45,759
I go, "That's nice."
352
00:16:46,427 --> 00:16:47,803
"Where are my boys?"
353
00:16:47,886 --> 00:16:49,346
[LAUGHTER]
354
00:16:49,430 --> 00:16:50,931
"Are they in the house?"
355
00:16:51,932 --> 00:16:53,350
"Are they on the house?"
356
00:16:53,434 --> 00:16:54,685
[LAUGHTER]
357
00:16:54,768 --> 00:16:57,187
"Are they... Oh, they're on the street.
Fantastic."
358
00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,066
I go out, like, "What the hell
are you guys doing?"
359
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,569
And they're like,
"We broke all the crayons..."
360
00:17:03,652 --> 00:17:05,154
[LAUGHTER]
361
00:17:05,237 --> 00:17:07,781
"...and we put 'em in the mailbox."
And I go...
362
00:17:07,865 --> 00:17:10,159
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
363
00:17:10,242 --> 00:17:12,202
"Thank you. Thanks for doing that."
364
00:17:12,286 --> 00:17:14,663
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
365
00:17:15,664 --> 00:17:17,666
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
366
00:17:18,417 --> 00:17:20,794
My six-year-old, he goes,
"What would you do
367
00:17:20,878 --> 00:17:23,005
if a bad guy took your stuff?"
368
00:17:23,088 --> 00:17:25,007
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
369
00:17:25,090 --> 00:17:27,384
"Would ask him to give it back.
I don't know."
370
00:17:27,926 --> 00:17:29,803
He goes, "I would get a sword."
371
00:17:29,887 --> 00:17:31,680
[LAUGHTER]
372
00:17:31,764 --> 00:17:33,640
"I would cut him into pieces."
373
00:17:33,724 --> 00:17:34,933
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
374
00:17:35,017 --> 00:17:37,686
"And I'd put the pieces in the mailbox."
I'm like...
375
00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:39,813
[LAUGHTER]
376
00:17:39,897 --> 00:17:42,566
"What are you doing with the mailbox,
Dahmer?"
377
00:17:42,649 --> 00:17:44,443
[LAUGHTER]
378
00:17:45,736 --> 00:17:49,198
He goes, "You know Grandpa
liked a full bush?" I go, "Hey..."
379
00:17:49,281 --> 00:17:50,908
[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]
380
00:17:51,492 --> 00:17:53,410
"Did he call you? How do you know?"
381
00:17:53,494 --> 00:17:55,996
- [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
- [CHEERING]
382
00:17:57,956 --> 00:17:59,541
[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
383
00:18:01,752 --> 00:18:03,712
My kids call me Tom.
384
00:18:03,796 --> 00:18:05,339
[LAUGHTER]
385
00:18:05,422 --> 00:18:07,007
So unnerving.
386
00:18:07,716 --> 00:18:10,969
Every day, the older one's like...
[GRAVELLY] "How you doing, Tom?"
387
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,973
I go, "Hey, I'm not your
fuckin' stepdad, all right?"
388
00:18:15,057 --> 00:18:17,726
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED CHEERING]
389
00:18:18,644 --> 00:18:21,563
"I wish I was. It'd be a lot easier.
But I'm not."
390
00:18:21,647 --> 00:18:23,649
- [CHEERING]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
391
00:18:23,732 --> 00:18:26,026
I go, "Call me Dad."
He goes, "I like Tom."
392
00:18:26,110 --> 00:18:27,361
I'm like, "All right."
393
00:18:28,028 --> 00:18:31,490
"What is up with your voice? You smoke
cigarettes? Why do you talk like that?"
394
00:18:32,616 --> 00:18:35,577
The kid sounds like
he fixes Harleys all day, but...
395
00:18:35,661 --> 00:18:36,995
[LAUGHTER]
396
00:18:37,079 --> 00:18:42,334
...he's really just obsessed with the
decades-old video game, Pac-Man.
397
00:18:42,417 --> 00:18:45,587
And he has Pac-Man questions
398
00:18:45,671 --> 00:18:48,549
morning, noon, and night.
399
00:18:49,341 --> 00:18:51,718
He woke me up at three in the morning.
400
00:18:51,802 --> 00:18:55,097
Let's be clear. He doesn't know
how to wake somebody up. All right?
401
00:18:55,180 --> 00:18:57,683
He stood an inch from my face...
402
00:18:57,766 --> 00:18:59,768
[LAUGHTER]
403
00:19:00,561 --> 00:19:03,605
The most menacing way
somebody can wake you up.
404
00:19:04,356 --> 00:19:06,233
He just goes, "Hey, Tom!"
405
00:19:06,316 --> 00:19:09,236
I was like, "Holy shit!"
406
00:19:09,319 --> 00:19:10,696
[LAUGHTER]
407
00:19:11,780 --> 00:19:12,739
"What?!"
408
00:19:12,823 --> 00:19:14,741
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
409
00:19:14,825 --> 00:19:16,618
He's like, "What would happen...
410
00:19:17,828 --> 00:19:19,746
if Pac-Man needed a house?"
411
00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:22,124
I'm like, "What the... What?!"
412
00:19:22,207 --> 00:19:24,126
[LAUGHTER]
413
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,255
He thinks I didn't understand
the question.
414
00:19:28,338 --> 00:19:29,339
[LAUGHTER]
415
00:19:29,423 --> 00:19:31,508
So he slows it down. For me.
416
00:19:31,592 --> 00:19:33,010
[LAUGHTER]
417
00:19:33,093 --> 00:19:36,430
He goes... [ENUNCIATED DRAMATICALLY]
"What would hap-pen...
418
00:19:37,264 --> 00:19:38,098
if..."
419
00:19:38,182 --> 00:19:42,019
I go, "He'd call a realtor."
I'm having a heart attack, all right?
420
00:19:42,102 --> 00:19:43,896
[LAUGHTER]
421
00:19:43,979 --> 00:19:46,481
"Pac-Man would get a loan
and buy a house."
422
00:19:47,065 --> 00:19:48,859
He's like, "Okay, I'm going to bed."
423
00:19:48,942 --> 00:19:51,778
I'm like, "All right.
I'll be up for three days. Thanks."
424
00:19:51,862 --> 00:19:53,488
[LAUGHTER]
425
00:19:55,073 --> 00:19:56,283
[MAN WHOOPS]
426
00:19:56,366 --> 00:19:57,409
At the same time,
427
00:19:57,492 --> 00:19:59,786
I have a monitor on the nightstand
428
00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:00,996
for the little guy.
429
00:20:01,079 --> 00:20:03,123
This dude stands up in bed
430
00:20:03,874 --> 00:20:05,584
and he goes, "What was that?"
431
00:20:05,667 --> 00:20:07,544
[LAUGHTER]
432
00:20:11,423 --> 00:20:13,634
So now I drag my ass into his room.
433
00:20:14,593 --> 00:20:17,679
He's standing there with his gut out.
You know they're like...
434
00:20:17,763 --> 00:20:20,891
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
435
00:20:24,394 --> 00:20:27,689
I'm like, "Do you own a Chevron?
Why do you stand like that, dude?"
436
00:20:27,773 --> 00:20:29,524
[LAUGHTER]
437
00:20:31,735 --> 00:20:34,363
I go, "What?" He goes, "What was that?"
438
00:20:35,656 --> 00:20:37,241
I go, "What was what?"
439
00:20:37,324 --> 00:20:38,533
He goes, "That."
440
00:20:39,660 --> 00:20:40,994
I go, "What's that?"
441
00:20:41,078 --> 00:20:44,039
He goes, "What was that?"
"I don't know what you're asking."
442
00:20:44,122 --> 00:20:45,791
[LAUGHTER]
443
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:48,877
He goes, "Was that the choo-choo?"
444
00:20:50,128 --> 00:20:51,421
I said, "What?"
445
00:20:51,505 --> 00:20:54,925
He goes... [EXASPERATEDLY]
"Was it a choo-choo?"
446
00:20:55,008 --> 00:20:56,218
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
447
00:20:56,301 --> 00:20:59,680
- He said it like, "Are you stupid enough..."
- [LAUGHTER]
448
00:21:00,472 --> 00:21:02,307
"...to turn our trains on
449
00:21:02,391 --> 00:21:04,268
without the conductor
450
00:21:05,394 --> 00:21:06,979
at the helm?" I go, "No."
451
00:21:07,062 --> 00:21:09,982
He goes, "So, what was it?"
I go, "I don't know."
452
00:21:10,983 --> 00:21:14,444
I said, "Maybe it was a choo-choo."
He goes, "Yeah. Don't do that."
453
00:21:14,528 --> 00:21:16,947
- I was like, "Oh."
- [LAUGHTER]
454
00:21:17,030 --> 00:21:19,866
"All right, al-Qaeda boss,
go back in your cave."
455
00:21:20,784 --> 00:21:23,328
[LAUGHTER FADES TO SOFT MURMURING]
456
00:21:24,746 --> 00:21:27,082
He's one of those kids
that only laughs at real anger.
457
00:21:27,165 --> 00:21:30,502
I don't know if you've ever met
one of those peaches, but...
458
00:21:31,211 --> 00:21:35,299
See, most two and three-year-olds,
they laugh at manufactured anger.
459
00:21:35,382 --> 00:21:38,719
Performative anger. You can go up
to a kid that age and just go,
460
00:21:38,802 --> 00:21:41,388
"Rarrr. And they're like..."
[GIGGLES JOYFULLY]
461
00:21:42,389 --> 00:21:44,224
And this kid's like, "Mm-mmm."
462
00:21:44,975 --> 00:21:47,227
"I wanna see
your blood pressure spike, man."
463
00:21:47,311 --> 00:21:48,645
[LAUGHTER]
464
00:21:49,354 --> 00:21:52,232
The hardest I've ever seen him laugh,
it's not even close,
465
00:21:52,316 --> 00:21:55,277
is when he flushed my car keys
down the toilet.
466
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:56,945
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
467
00:21:57,029 --> 00:21:58,739
It was my fault, I guess.
468
00:21:59,906 --> 00:22:01,158
I didn't hang them up.
469
00:22:01,241 --> 00:22:04,661
I put them on the coffee table
that I also bought. And...
470
00:22:04,745 --> 00:22:07,205
[LAUGHTER]
471
00:22:07,289 --> 00:22:10,083
I was laying on the couch.
You know, it was a long day.
472
00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:11,460
I see his little ass
473
00:22:11,543 --> 00:22:12,919
come in the room,
474
00:22:13,003 --> 00:22:14,504
see the keys,
475
00:22:14,588 --> 00:22:16,089
and he's like...
476
00:22:16,173 --> 00:22:17,966
[LAUGHTER]
477
00:22:18,050 --> 00:22:20,302
And I go, "No. Don't."
478
00:22:20,385 --> 00:22:23,013
And he picks them up and he goes,
"Chase me."
479
00:22:23,096 --> 00:22:24,973
[LAUGHTER]
480
00:22:26,308 --> 00:22:27,351
"Down the hall."
481
00:22:27,434 --> 00:22:29,353
[LAUGHTER]
482
00:22:29,436 --> 00:22:30,520
I go, "Okay."
483
00:22:30,604 --> 00:22:32,856
I give him a head start. He's three.
484
00:22:32,939 --> 00:22:34,274
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
485
00:22:34,358 --> 00:22:35,776
When I stand up,
486
00:22:35,859 --> 00:22:38,278
I see him dip into the bathroom.
I'm like...
487
00:22:38,362 --> 00:22:39,404
"No."
488
00:22:39,488 --> 00:22:41,448
[LAUGHTER]
489
00:22:41,531 --> 00:22:42,991
And when I get there...
490
00:22:43,075 --> 00:22:44,701
[IMITATES TOILET FLUSHING]
491
00:22:44,785 --> 00:22:48,080
And I lose my shit.
492
00:22:48,163 --> 00:22:49,873
[LAUGHTER]
493
00:22:49,956 --> 00:22:53,543
I don't yell at him.
I'm just yelling at my life.
494
00:22:53,627 --> 00:22:55,087
- You know?
- [LAUGHTER]
495
00:22:55,170 --> 00:22:56,797
I'm like, "Fuck!"
496
00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:58,173
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
497
00:22:58,256 --> 00:22:59,341
"No!"
498
00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:01,927
"Fuck!"
499
00:23:02,844 --> 00:23:06,306
And when I turn, he's like,
"That's what I'm talking about."
500
00:23:06,390 --> 00:23:08,934
[LOUD CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
501
00:23:12,604 --> 00:23:14,064
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
502
00:23:16,775 --> 00:23:19,236
- "You're a very funny guy."
- [LAUGHTER]
503
00:23:19,319 --> 00:23:21,321
Fuckin' kicked him in the chest.
504
00:23:21,405 --> 00:23:23,782
- [LAUGHTER]
- [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
505
00:23:25,075 --> 00:23:26,535
God, those little shits.
506
00:23:28,078 --> 00:23:29,704
I took a shower
507
00:23:29,788 --> 00:23:31,248
with the, uh, six-year-old.
508
00:23:31,331 --> 00:23:32,916
He's six, he's not 16.
509
00:23:32,999 --> 00:23:34,793
- Um...
- [LAUGHTER]
510
00:23:35,919 --> 00:23:37,796
If you've never showered
with a six-year-old,
511
00:23:37,879 --> 00:23:40,757
let me give you some advice:
make sure it's yours.
512
00:23:40,841 --> 00:23:43,552
- Otherwise...
- [LAUGHTER]
513
00:23:45,137 --> 00:23:47,472
It's strange if you're like,
"What's your name?"
514
00:23:47,556 --> 00:23:49,850
[LAUGHTER]
515
00:23:49,933 --> 00:23:51,643
He's my son.
516
00:23:52,269 --> 00:23:55,522
And I wanted to, you know...
I was trying to be like a fun dad.
517
00:23:55,605 --> 00:23:57,274
I... I offered him the showerhead.
518
00:23:57,357 --> 00:23:59,317
I thought it was a fun,
in-the-moment thing.
519
00:23:59,401 --> 00:24:01,862
I go, "Do you wanna hold the showerhead?"
520
00:24:01,945 --> 00:24:03,321
And he was like, "Yeah."
521
00:24:03,405 --> 00:24:04,656
[LAUGHTER]
522
00:24:04,739 --> 00:24:07,909
I give it to him. He just starts
cleaning the shower. He's like...
523
00:24:07,993 --> 00:24:10,245
[LAUGHTER]
524
00:24:13,248 --> 00:24:15,959
So, you know, after a minute, I'm like,
525
00:24:16,042 --> 00:24:17,461
"Can you wet me?"
526
00:24:17,544 --> 00:24:18,628
[LAUGHTER]
527
00:24:20,714 --> 00:24:23,800
And he goes, "Tom, relax. All right?"
528
00:24:23,884 --> 00:24:27,512
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
529
00:24:29,681 --> 00:24:31,600
Then he looks up at me.
530
00:24:31,683 --> 00:24:33,810
He goes... [GRAVELLY]
"You have a big penis."
531
00:24:33,894 --> 00:24:35,645
[LAUGHTER]
532
00:24:35,729 --> 00:24:37,230
"And I have a small one."
533
00:24:37,314 --> 00:24:38,815
[LAUGHTER]
534
00:24:38,899 --> 00:24:41,318
I go, "Well, that's 'cause
mine's hard, buddy."
535
00:24:41,401 --> 00:24:44,154
[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]
536
00:24:44,237 --> 00:24:46,990
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
537
00:24:49,910 --> 00:24:52,370
"We can make yours hard too.
Just gotta go like..."
538
00:24:52,454 --> 00:24:55,707
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS]
539
00:24:55,790 --> 00:24:58,960
[HUSHED MURMURS, CHATTER]
540
00:25:01,087 --> 00:25:04,007
- [DISAPPOINTEDLY] "No."
- [LAUGHTER]
541
00:25:05,550 --> 00:25:08,678
[LAUGHINGLY] I did not jerk off my son.
542
00:25:08,762 --> 00:25:10,430
[LAUGHTER]
543
00:25:11,473 --> 00:25:13,892
I just always wanted to say that. Uh...
544
00:25:13,975 --> 00:25:15,852
[LAUGHTER]
545
00:25:16,561 --> 00:25:17,687
[SPUTTERS, LAUGHS]
546
00:25:17,771 --> 00:25:19,397
[LAUGHTER]
547
00:25:21,942 --> 00:25:23,527
The truth is...
548
00:25:24,819 --> 00:25:26,821
The truth is, he really did say,
549
00:25:26,905 --> 00:25:30,867
"You have a big penis.
And I have a small one."
550
00:25:30,951 --> 00:25:32,619
And what I really said,
551
00:25:32,702 --> 00:25:33,828
immediately,
552
00:25:33,912 --> 00:25:37,040
and I mean in a split second
553
00:25:37,123 --> 00:25:38,500
of him saying that,
554
00:25:38,583 --> 00:25:40,460
I went... [GUTTURALLY] "No!"
555
00:25:40,544 --> 00:25:42,254
[LAUGHTER]
556
00:25:46,967 --> 00:25:49,553
And if you're like,
"Why did you shout, 'No'?"
557
00:25:50,095 --> 00:25:52,389
I think because in that split second
558
00:25:52,472 --> 00:25:55,350
I thought, "I don't want this
to be some shit
559
00:25:55,433 --> 00:25:57,978
you start saying when we're out."
560
00:25:58,061 --> 00:25:59,854
[LAUGHTER]
561
00:26:00,855 --> 00:26:03,024
I don't wanna be in a store
where he's like,
562
00:26:03,108 --> 00:26:05,527
"Do you have a big penis?"
I'll be like... "Yeah."
563
00:26:05,610 --> 00:26:07,696
[LAUGHTER]
564
00:26:07,779 --> 00:26:10,073
"You know how it is."
Guy's like, "I don't know how it is."
565
00:26:10,156 --> 00:26:12,242
"What the fuck was that all about?"
566
00:26:12,993 --> 00:26:15,245
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
567
00:26:15,328 --> 00:26:16,871
The worst part
568
00:26:16,955 --> 00:26:18,331
is that I scared him.
569
00:26:18,415 --> 00:26:23,712
When I shouted. That's a terrible feeling.
You see fear register on your kid's face
570
00:26:23,795 --> 00:26:27,591
because of your overreaction.
And I wanted to say the right thing.
571
00:26:27,674 --> 00:26:32,012
Or whatever the right thing is to say
in that situation.
572
00:26:32,095 --> 00:26:34,347
Which I suppose
would've been something like,
573
00:26:34,431 --> 00:26:37,851
"You didn't do anything wrong.
You made an observation."
574
00:26:37,934 --> 00:26:41,313
"I shouldn't have shouted.
I'm sorry. Do you need therapy?"
575
00:26:41,396 --> 00:26:43,815
- "I love you, man." You know...
- [LAUGHTER]
576
00:26:43,898 --> 00:26:47,527
But it was all happening so quickly
that I didn't know what to say.
577
00:26:47,611 --> 00:26:50,196
So the fuckin' best I could come up with?
578
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:51,615
I went, "No!"
579
00:26:51,698 --> 00:26:53,533
"Just... shh."
580
00:26:53,617 --> 00:26:55,994
[LAUGHTER]
581
00:26:59,372 --> 00:27:01,082
Now he's totally confused.
582
00:27:01,166 --> 00:27:02,542
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
583
00:27:02,626 --> 00:27:04,794
He goes... [WHISPERS]
"You have a big penis."
584
00:27:04,878 --> 00:27:07,005
[LAUGHTER]
585
00:27:09,007 --> 00:27:10,425
"I have a small one."
586
00:27:10,508 --> 00:27:11,968
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
587
00:27:12,052 --> 00:27:14,471
I go, "Well, don't fuckin' tell anybody."
588
00:27:15,972 --> 00:27:18,433
He goes, "Did Grandpa have a big penis?"
589
00:27:19,142 --> 00:27:21,895
I go, "I don't remember.
Haven't seen it in a long time."
590
00:27:21,978 --> 00:27:23,480
[LAUGHTER]
591
00:27:23,563 --> 00:27:24,939
"Let's go ask Grandma."
592
00:27:25,023 --> 00:27:26,983
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
593
00:27:27,067 --> 00:27:28,068
And we did.
594
00:27:28,151 --> 00:27:29,778
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
595
00:27:29,861 --> 00:27:30,779
And he didn't.
596
00:27:30,862 --> 00:27:32,947
[LAUGHTER]
597
00:27:33,031 --> 00:27:34,949
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
598
00:27:36,201 --> 00:27:39,037
[LOUD CHEERING]
599
00:27:43,041 --> 00:27:45,126
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
600
00:27:45,210 --> 00:27:46,211
For the record,
601
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,963
- neither do I.
- [LAUGHTER]
602
00:27:49,047 --> 00:27:52,175
I wanna make that perfectly clear
to everybody here.
603
00:27:52,258 --> 00:27:56,221
I do not have a big penis.
604
00:27:56,304 --> 00:27:57,639
But...
605
00:27:57,722 --> 00:27:59,224
next to a six-year-old...
606
00:27:59,307 --> 00:28:01,476
[LAUGHTER]
607
00:28:01,559 --> 00:28:04,104
...I got a fuckin' sledgehammer on me.
608
00:28:04,187 --> 00:28:05,397
Pretty proud of it.
609
00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:07,565
- [CHEERING]
- [WHISTLING]
610
00:28:09,150 --> 00:28:10,527
[SNORTS, SPLUTTERS]
611
00:28:11,236 --> 00:28:12,445
[TWO THUDDING SLAPS]
612
00:28:13,154 --> 00:28:14,072
[CHOKES]
613
00:28:15,031 --> 00:28:17,409
You almost broke the fuckin' stage, dude.
614
00:28:17,492 --> 00:28:19,285
[LAUGHTER]
615
00:28:19,369 --> 00:28:20,203
[SIGHS]
616
00:28:20,286 --> 00:28:22,163
The truth is this. I'm just, uh...
617
00:28:22,247 --> 00:28:23,456
I'm happy
618
00:28:23,540 --> 00:28:26,584
to be doing stand-up again
and actually standing.
619
00:28:26,668 --> 00:28:28,211
Because not long ago,
620
00:28:28,294 --> 00:28:31,840
I had a sports-related injury.
I don't know if you know this or not. Um...
621
00:28:31,923 --> 00:28:34,175
[CROWD CHEERING]
622
00:28:35,927 --> 00:28:36,970
Well...
623
00:28:37,846 --> 00:28:42,434
If you don't know, I will try to say this
with a straight face. Uh...
624
00:28:42,517 --> 00:28:44,519
I, Tom,
625
00:28:44,602 --> 00:28:46,688
the guy you see standing up here,
626
00:28:46,771 --> 00:28:48,898
I was severely injured
627
00:28:49,774 --> 00:28:52,110
whilst participating
628
00:28:52,193 --> 00:28:54,446
in a slam-dunk contest.
629
00:28:54,529 --> 00:28:56,239
[SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
630
00:28:56,322 --> 00:28:57,949
- [LOUD CHEERING]
- Um...
631
00:29:01,828 --> 00:29:06,040
On a slightly-lowered rim. Now...
632
00:29:06,124 --> 00:29:08,960
It was wild. If you don't know, I tore
633
00:29:09,043 --> 00:29:11,921
my patellar tendon... [EXHALES SWIFTLY]
...right there.
634
00:29:12,005 --> 00:29:14,299
Which, you know, whatever.
[CHUCKLES]
635
00:29:14,382 --> 00:29:15,508
[LAUGHTER]
636
00:29:15,592 --> 00:29:17,761
Happened to Klay Thompson,
happened to me.
637
00:29:17,844 --> 00:29:19,596
It happens to us. But...
638
00:29:19,679 --> 00:29:22,223
[LAUGHTER]
639
00:29:22,307 --> 00:29:26,019
I'm not Klay Thompson,
so I also broke this arm. And...
640
00:29:26,936 --> 00:29:30,064
It's all captured on video
that I find very not funny,
641
00:29:30,148 --> 00:29:31,983
but a lot of people enjoy it.
642
00:29:32,066 --> 00:29:33,193
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
643
00:29:33,777 --> 00:29:36,529
I have to tell people,
"I didn't laugh a lot that night."
644
00:29:36,613 --> 00:29:38,406
And they're like, "Really?" Yeah.
645
00:29:38,490 --> 00:29:42,035
There is one exchange
that I do like to share, and it is this.
646
00:29:42,118 --> 00:29:45,872
Immediately after I was hurt,
I was in the emergency room.
647
00:29:45,955 --> 00:29:50,126
And I was badly hurt. I had a shattered
arm, a leg that didn't function.
648
00:29:50,210 --> 00:29:52,670
And they were prepping me
for the operating room.
649
00:29:52,754 --> 00:29:56,049
And at that time, a trauma surgeon
650
00:29:56,132 --> 00:29:57,425
came into that room
651
00:29:57,509 --> 00:29:59,260
and he looked at my x-rays
652
00:29:59,344 --> 00:30:01,095
and he goes, "Car accident?"
653
00:30:01,179 --> 00:30:04,140
[LAUGHTER]
654
00:30:04,224 --> 00:30:07,644
And I got to lay there and go...
[QUIETLY] "Dunk contest."
655
00:30:07,727 --> 00:30:09,854
[LAUGHTER]
656
00:30:09,938 --> 00:30:12,732
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
657
00:30:15,235 --> 00:30:17,946
And he goes, "What was that?
What did you just say?"
658
00:30:18,780 --> 00:30:22,325
And I go, "Slam motherfuckin'
dunk contest."
659
00:30:22,408 --> 00:30:23,743
[LAUGHTER]
660
00:30:23,827 --> 00:30:26,454
He goes, "Did a car hit you
while you were dunking?"
661
00:30:26,538 --> 00:30:28,498
[LAUGHTER]
662
00:30:28,581 --> 00:30:31,292
I said, "Why don't you do
your fuckin' job, all right?"
663
00:30:32,126 --> 00:30:36,256
Some people don't know this,
I was in the hospital for three weeks.
664
00:30:36,339 --> 00:30:37,841
That's a long time.
665
00:30:37,924 --> 00:30:39,676
I don't think I would've
made it through
666
00:30:39,759 --> 00:30:42,637
if it weren't for my dear, dear friend,
667
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:44,889
- Dilaudid. Um...
- [LAUGHTER]
668
00:30:44,973 --> 00:30:46,057
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
669
00:30:46,140 --> 00:30:48,852
Yeah. I did not realize
670
00:30:48,935 --> 00:30:52,272
that I have been fucking around
671
00:30:53,481 --> 00:30:55,149
with weed all these years...
672
00:30:55,233 --> 00:30:57,110
[SCATTERED CHEERING]
673
00:30:57,193 --> 00:31:00,738
...when narcotics is where it's at.
All right?
674
00:31:00,822 --> 00:31:02,866
- [CHEERING]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
675
00:31:02,949 --> 00:31:04,242
That shit
676
00:31:04,325 --> 00:31:05,869
is electric. And...
677
00:31:06,411 --> 00:31:09,664
if anybody ever offers you an oxy,
say, "Hit me two times."
678
00:31:09,747 --> 00:31:13,835
Because... they're amazing
and nothing bad'll happen to you.
679
00:31:13,918 --> 00:31:15,920
[LAUGHTER]
680
00:31:16,004 --> 00:31:19,465
Nah, your life will fall apart,
but it'll feel good while it's happening.
681
00:31:20,842 --> 00:31:22,427
The only downside really
682
00:31:22,510 --> 00:31:25,805
is that you'll never shit... again.
683
00:31:25,889 --> 00:31:27,348
- Uh...
- [LAUGHTER]
684
00:31:27,432 --> 00:31:32,020
I took my first shit eight days
after I started eating those.
685
00:31:32,103 --> 00:31:33,313
I was scared.
686
00:31:33,396 --> 00:31:34,522
I called in the doctor.
687
00:31:34,606 --> 00:31:37,901
I was like, "I have an arm that
doesn't work, a leg that doesn't work."
688
00:31:37,984 --> 00:31:40,695
"How do I lean? How do I wipe myself?"
689
00:31:40,778 --> 00:31:42,530
He goes, "Don't worry about it."
690
00:31:43,156 --> 00:31:46,326
"One of the nurses will do it."
And I was like, "Okay."
691
00:31:46,409 --> 00:31:47,869
[LAUGHTER]
692
00:31:47,952 --> 00:31:51,164
And then a fuckin' male nurse
came in the room.
693
00:31:51,247 --> 00:31:52,874
[LAUGHTER]
694
00:31:52,957 --> 00:31:56,377
They're allowed to have the job too.
And...
695
00:31:56,461 --> 00:31:59,672
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
696
00:31:59,756 --> 00:32:02,675
This dude stood at the door
697
00:32:02,759 --> 00:32:04,677
and threw a pack of wipes.
698
00:32:04,761 --> 00:32:06,971
[LAUGHTER]
699
00:32:08,556 --> 00:32:09,807
I go, "What's that?"
700
00:32:10,475 --> 00:32:13,269
He said, "The doctor said
you need to clean yourself."
701
00:32:13,353 --> 00:32:15,104
And I went... [CHUCKLES DEVILISHLY]
702
00:32:16,689 --> 00:32:19,359
[UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]
703
00:32:19,442 --> 00:32:20,735
"You're gonna do it."
704
00:32:22,195 --> 00:32:24,864
And I saw a grown professional nurse
705
00:32:24,948 --> 00:32:27,617
- just go, "Ah, fuck." Like...
- [LAUGHTER]
706
00:32:27,700 --> 00:32:30,620
He quit. I saw him quit his job.
Isn't that crazy? Now...
707
00:32:31,371 --> 00:32:32,956
Five days later,
708
00:32:33,039 --> 00:32:35,041
I had my second movement,
709
00:32:35,124 --> 00:32:38,378
and they sent in an old-lady nurse,
which is fine.
710
00:32:38,461 --> 00:32:40,421
But she talked the whole time.
711
00:32:40,505 --> 00:32:43,549
Do you know how terrible...?
You're vulnerable. Like... [WHIMPERS]
712
00:32:44,801 --> 00:32:48,388
She's back there, like,
"How we gonna clean up all this stool?"
713
00:32:48,471 --> 00:32:51,641
- I'm like, "I don't know. Shut up."
- [LAUGHTER]
714
00:32:54,894 --> 00:32:57,230
And she goes, "My, my, my."
715
00:32:58,106 --> 00:33:01,192
"You have so much hair back here."
And I'm like...
716
00:33:02,318 --> 00:33:04,445
"Yeah, I do it for my dad."
717
00:33:04,529 --> 00:33:07,031
- You know, like...
- [LAUGHTER]
718
00:33:07,115 --> 00:33:09,158
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
719
00:33:09,242 --> 00:33:10,076
What?
720
00:33:10,785 --> 00:33:11,703
I mean...
721
00:33:15,748 --> 00:33:18,251
I like to picture him up in heaven,
looking down.
722
00:33:18,334 --> 00:33:20,586
"Look at that hair on my son.
Isn't that nice?"
723
00:33:22,171 --> 00:33:24,132
God's with him. "That is nice."
724
00:33:24,215 --> 00:33:25,466
[LAUGHTER]
725
00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:28,177
I picture my dad naked. You know?
726
00:33:28,261 --> 00:33:29,220
[LAUGHS] I...
727
00:33:29,303 --> 00:33:31,389
[LAUGHTER]
728
00:33:31,472 --> 00:33:34,017
I picture everybody in heaven nak...
729
00:33:34,100 --> 00:33:37,061
I don't think you're in heaven,
"What shirt should I wear today?"
730
00:33:37,145 --> 00:33:39,856
I think people are naked.
I think God's naked.
731
00:33:39,939 --> 00:33:41,441
I think after a while it makes sense
732
00:33:41,524 --> 00:33:46,070
that my father would notice that God
has a fuckin' piece on him.
733
00:33:46,154 --> 00:33:47,405
You know?
734
00:33:47,488 --> 00:33:51,242
It's God. I think it's enormous.
And glorious. I think it's blue.
735
00:33:51,325 --> 00:33:53,036
- And I think...
- [LAUGHTER]
736
00:33:53,119 --> 00:33:55,621
...it has a golden hue around it.
737
00:33:56,706 --> 00:33:59,042
I think after a while, my dad would go,
738
00:33:59,125 --> 00:34:00,460
"Can I touch that?"
739
00:34:00,543 --> 00:34:02,211
[LAUGHTER]
740
00:34:02,295 --> 00:34:04,005
And God's like, "Of course."
741
00:34:05,006 --> 00:34:07,008
"You are one of my children." [CHUCKLES]
742
00:34:07,091 --> 00:34:08,760
[LAUGHTER]
743
00:34:11,304 --> 00:34:13,056
[LAUGHTER SWELLS]
744
00:34:15,641 --> 00:34:17,894
Then he goes, "Thanks. That was neat."
745
00:34:17,977 --> 00:34:19,270
[LAUGHTER]
746
00:34:19,353 --> 00:34:21,731
And then God says,
"Do you want to see it snow?"
747
00:34:21,814 --> 00:34:23,357
[IMITATES SEXUAL MOANING]
748
00:34:23,441 --> 00:34:24,692
[LAUGHTER]
749
00:34:24,776 --> 00:34:26,944
That's what snow is. You didn't know that?
750
00:34:28,154 --> 00:34:29,072
Snowing.
751
00:34:30,031 --> 00:34:32,325
Good. I hope I ruined snow for you.
Now...
752
00:34:32,408 --> 00:34:34,077
[LAUGHTER]
753
00:34:34,827 --> 00:34:37,705
It took me six months
754
00:34:37,789 --> 00:34:39,373
of pretty intense rehab,
755
00:34:39,457 --> 00:34:40,917
PT and OT.
756
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,669
Shout-out to all the PTs
and OTs in the world
757
00:34:43,753 --> 00:34:45,213
working with people.
758
00:34:45,296 --> 00:34:47,131
- Fantastic.
- [APPLAUSE]
759
00:34:47,215 --> 00:34:48,716
Well, they worked with me
760
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:51,803
so that I could move around again
normally and naturally.
761
00:34:51,886 --> 00:34:55,848
And then this always gets me, you guys.
Seven months to the day,
762
00:34:55,932 --> 00:34:57,225
to the day,
763
00:34:57,308 --> 00:34:58,601
after I was injured,
764
00:34:58,684 --> 00:35:00,186
I was at home.
765
00:35:00,269 --> 00:35:01,604
I was asleep.
766
00:35:01,687 --> 00:35:04,107
It was two o'clock in the morning.
767
00:35:04,190 --> 00:35:06,109
And I heard my wife scream,
768
00:35:06,192 --> 00:35:09,112
but, like, a real scream. You know, like...
769
00:35:09,195 --> 00:35:11,114
[MUTED PANICKED SCREAMING]
770
00:35:11,197 --> 00:35:12,698
So I took a pillow,
771
00:35:12,782 --> 00:35:14,117
I turned,
772
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:15,993
and I covered this ear. Right?
773
00:35:16,077 --> 00:35:17,411
[LAUGHTER]
774
00:35:17,495 --> 00:35:20,039
"I am trying to sleep."
775
00:35:21,541 --> 00:35:24,293
And then she starts
calling me out by name.
776
00:35:24,377 --> 00:35:25,837
She's like, "Tom?"
777
00:35:27,004 --> 00:35:29,048
"Tom?"
778
00:35:29,132 --> 00:35:32,301
And I go, "Goddammit."
779
00:35:32,385 --> 00:35:34,679
[LAUGHTER]
780
00:35:34,762 --> 00:35:36,055
"This sounds real."
781
00:35:36,931 --> 00:35:40,726
So I got up,
I made myself something to eat.
782
00:35:40,810 --> 00:35:42,979
[LAUGHTER]
783
00:35:46,107 --> 00:35:47,400
Poured a drink.
784
00:35:48,484 --> 00:35:50,153
And I was like, "All right."
785
00:35:51,028 --> 00:35:52,238
"Let's go find her."
786
00:35:52,321 --> 00:35:54,031
[LAUGHTER]
787
00:35:54,115 --> 00:35:55,324
Now, it's 2:00 a.m.
788
00:35:55,408 --> 00:35:58,911
I... I can't see anything.
I'm just following her cries for help.
789
00:35:59,537 --> 00:36:03,624
And I finally find her
sitting at the bottom of the stairs.
790
00:36:03,708 --> 00:36:09,380
And I go, "What are you doing?"
She goes, "I think I sprained my ankle."
791
00:36:09,463 --> 00:36:11,007
[LAUGHTER]
792
00:36:11,090 --> 00:36:12,592
I turn the light on,
793
00:36:12,675 --> 00:36:13,801
and I see
794
00:36:13,885 --> 00:36:15,678
that the bone
795
00:36:15,761 --> 00:36:17,847
that should be like this...
796
00:36:18,598 --> 00:36:21,058
- [CLICKS TONGUE] ...is like that.
- [AUDIENCE GROANS]
797
00:36:21,726 --> 00:36:24,478
And I go, "That... [LAUGHINGLY]
...is not a sprain."
798
00:36:24,562 --> 00:36:26,814
[LAUGHTER]
799
00:36:26,898 --> 00:36:27,940
"I'm sure of it."
800
00:36:28,024 --> 00:36:29,567
[LAUGHTER]
801
00:36:29,650 --> 00:36:31,903
And she goes, "What should I do?"
802
00:36:33,029 --> 00:36:35,114
I said, "You should do nothing."
803
00:36:36,157 --> 00:36:37,700
"I will call 911."
804
00:36:37,783 --> 00:36:38,951
[LAUGHTER]
805
00:36:39,035 --> 00:36:40,578
I have to confess
806
00:36:40,661 --> 00:36:43,915
I was very, very excited
807
00:36:45,166 --> 00:36:46,209
to call 911.
808
00:36:46,292 --> 00:36:48,044
[LAUGHTER]
809
00:36:48,127 --> 00:36:51,422
Have you ever been excited to call?
Like, "Finally, a good one."
810
00:36:51,505 --> 00:36:54,884
You know? Like...
"This is why we play the game."
811
00:36:54,967 --> 00:36:56,052
I call.
812
00:36:57,386 --> 00:36:59,347
The operator goes, "911."
813
00:36:59,430 --> 00:37:01,390
And I'm so amped up,
814
00:37:01,474 --> 00:37:04,518
I go, "Get fuckin' ready."
815
00:37:04,602 --> 00:37:07,021
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
816
00:37:10,107 --> 00:37:11,400
He's like, "Okay."
817
00:37:11,484 --> 00:37:12,818
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
818
00:37:12,902 --> 00:37:16,280
He goes, "You need police,
fire, or paramedic?"
819
00:37:16,364 --> 00:37:17,823
I go, "Paramedic!"
820
00:37:18,574 --> 00:37:21,702
"But send 'em all!" And he was like,
"What happened?"
821
00:37:21,786 --> 00:37:23,371
And I was like, "Ooh."
822
00:37:23,454 --> 00:37:24,830
[LAUGHTER]
823
00:37:24,914 --> 00:37:26,415
And I realize
824
00:37:26,499 --> 00:37:29,961
that while what I'm about to say is true,
825
00:37:30,044 --> 00:37:31,462
it sounds...
826
00:37:31,545 --> 00:37:34,548
- [HIGH-PITCHED] ...suspicious.
- [LAUGHTER]
827
00:37:36,676 --> 00:37:39,262
But I gotta say it. So I'm like,
828
00:37:39,345 --> 00:37:41,222
"My wife fell down the stairs."
829
00:37:41,305 --> 00:37:43,933
[LOUD LAUGHTER]
830
00:37:44,016 --> 00:37:45,935
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
831
00:37:49,939 --> 00:37:51,315
[CHEERS FADING]
832
00:37:51,399 --> 00:37:53,442
The operator goes, "Uh-huh."
833
00:37:53,526 --> 00:37:55,403
[LAUGHTER]
834
00:37:55,486 --> 00:37:58,698
He goes, "How'd that happen?"
I was like, "I don't fuckin' know."
835
00:37:58,781 --> 00:38:01,033
[LAUGHTER]
836
00:38:01,117 --> 00:38:04,870
He goes, "Was she alone?"
I'm like, "Do I need to talk to a lawyer?"
837
00:38:04,954 --> 00:38:07,248
[LAUGHTER]
838
00:38:07,331 --> 00:38:09,500
Four paramedics show up.
839
00:38:10,126 --> 00:38:11,252
I open the door.
840
00:38:11,335 --> 00:38:13,796
They go, "What happened?"
I go, "You know the deal."
841
00:38:13,879 --> 00:38:15,006
[LAUGHTER]
842
00:38:15,089 --> 00:38:17,174
"My wife fell down the stairs."
843
00:38:18,259 --> 00:38:19,927
And they go, "How'd it happen?"
844
00:38:20,011 --> 00:38:22,805
I go, "I do not know."
845
00:38:23,723 --> 00:38:25,182
They're like, "Was she alone?"
846
00:38:25,266 --> 00:38:28,185
I go, "Talk to my lawyer.
He's on the phone right now."
847
00:38:28,269 --> 00:38:30,021
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
848
00:38:30,104 --> 00:38:31,897
Then they start tending to her.
849
00:38:31,981 --> 00:38:35,401
Like, they put her leg in a brace.
You know? Start giving her an IV.
850
00:38:35,484 --> 00:38:37,445
I lean over to her
851
00:38:37,528 --> 00:38:39,613
and I have a private conversation
852
00:38:39,697 --> 00:38:41,115
as you sometimes do.
853
00:38:41,198 --> 00:38:43,784
I go, "Hey, I wanna tell you something."
854
00:38:43,868 --> 00:38:46,287
"I don't like the way
I'm being spoken to here."
855
00:38:46,370 --> 00:38:48,956
[LAUGHTER]
856
00:38:50,041 --> 00:38:53,919
"I feel like everybody's implying
I had something to do with this."
857
00:38:54,462 --> 00:38:56,464
"And I don't like it."
858
00:38:58,090 --> 00:38:59,800
And then I walked away.
859
00:38:59,884 --> 00:39:01,677
And a few moments later,
860
00:39:01,761 --> 00:39:04,930
she decided to make an announcement.
861
00:39:05,014 --> 00:39:06,182
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
862
00:39:06,265 --> 00:39:07,725
Unprompted.
863
00:39:08,684 --> 00:39:11,187
She goes, "Guys?"
864
00:39:11,812 --> 00:39:13,522
And they all turn.
865
00:39:13,606 --> 00:39:16,275
And she goes, "He would never hurt me."
866
00:39:16,359 --> 00:39:18,569
- And I'm like...
- [UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER]
867
00:39:18,652 --> 00:39:19,820
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
868
00:39:19,904 --> 00:39:21,280
"What are you doing?"
869
00:39:21,364 --> 00:39:22,823
[SCATTERED CHEERS]
870
00:39:25,451 --> 00:39:28,245
She goes, "We've been together
a long time."
871
00:39:28,329 --> 00:39:30,081
"And if you think he did this,
872
00:39:30,164 --> 00:39:31,749
he didn't."
873
00:39:31,832 --> 00:39:33,417
I go, "Shut the fuck up."
874
00:39:33,501 --> 00:39:35,294
[LAUGHTER]
875
00:39:35,378 --> 00:39:36,879
"Or I will kill you."
876
00:39:36,962 --> 00:39:39,757
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
877
00:39:41,801 --> 00:39:44,762
Then we get to the hospital.
Doctor's like, "What happened?"
878
00:39:44,845 --> 00:39:47,723
I go, "I punched her in the mouth
and she fell down the stairs."
879
00:39:47,807 --> 00:39:48,808
[LAUGHTER]
880
00:39:48,891 --> 00:39:52,228
- And he goes, "I get it, man. I get it."
- [LAUGHTER]
881
00:39:52,311 --> 00:39:54,480
"She's super chatty." I go, "I know."
882
00:39:54,563 --> 00:39:55,648
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
883
00:39:56,315 --> 00:39:57,858
"You should see her at home."
884
00:39:58,567 --> 00:40:01,737
No, she's doing better now.
She learned. She gets it, you know.
885
00:40:01,821 --> 00:40:04,615
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
886
00:40:04,698 --> 00:40:06,575
"Sandwich at 6:00." All right.
887
00:40:06,659 --> 00:40:07,701
So...
888
00:40:07,785 --> 00:40:09,995
- [LAUGHS SOFTLY]
- [CROWD CHUCKLING]
889
00:40:11,747 --> 00:40:14,166
She came to a show
and saw me tell that story,
890
00:40:14,250 --> 00:40:16,877
and she was like, "Can you imagine
if you had hit me?"
891
00:40:16,961 --> 00:40:18,045
And I was like,
892
00:40:18,129 --> 00:40:19,463
"Uh... yeah."
893
00:40:19,547 --> 00:40:21,465
[LAUGHTER]
894
00:40:24,051 --> 00:40:25,761
Don't feel bad for her, okay?
895
00:40:26,303 --> 00:40:28,764
I'm serious. I just did her a huge solid.
896
00:40:28,848 --> 00:40:31,016
She asked me to do this and I did it.
897
00:40:31,100 --> 00:40:33,686
She asked me
to get a vasectomy and I did it.
898
00:40:33,769 --> 00:40:36,439
- So I got snipped. Yeah.
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
899
00:40:37,064 --> 00:40:38,023
See?
900
00:40:39,483 --> 00:40:43,571
The women always cheer
and there's always one guy that boos.
901
00:40:43,654 --> 00:40:44,613
[LAUGHTER]
902
00:40:44,697 --> 00:40:47,950
Like he wanted my full load
all up inside of him.
903
00:40:48,033 --> 00:40:50,453
[LAUGHTER]
904
00:40:52,329 --> 00:40:55,749
Listen, if you're a guy
and you're thinking about doing it,
905
00:40:55,833 --> 00:40:57,751
do it. It's a routine procedure.
906
00:40:57,835 --> 00:41:00,546
You will be nervous the morning of.
907
00:41:00,629 --> 00:41:01,797
It's your balls.
908
00:41:01,881 --> 00:41:04,800
- [CROWD CHUCKLING]
- You lay on a table. It's very cold.
909
00:41:04,884 --> 00:41:08,471
- It's, like, 400 below zero. And...
- [LAUGHTER]
910
00:41:08,554 --> 00:41:13,476
They pull up your dress very dramatically.
They're like, "What's going on down here?"
911
00:41:13,559 --> 00:41:14,685
[LAUGHTER]
912
00:41:14,768 --> 00:41:18,147
Your dick just stares at you, like,
"How could you?" You know?
913
00:41:18,230 --> 00:41:19,982
[LAUGHTER]
914
00:41:20,983 --> 00:41:24,278
But it's over in 15 minutes,
which I think is remarkable.
915
00:41:24,361 --> 00:41:27,114
And then you go back a week later
for the follow-up.
916
00:41:27,198 --> 00:41:30,326
And the follow-up is just a urologist
checking you out.
917
00:41:30,409 --> 00:41:32,912
Goes, "All right, drop your shorts."
Like, "All right..."
918
00:41:32,995 --> 00:41:35,831
[INQUISITIVE HUMMING]
919
00:41:35,915 --> 00:41:37,500
[LAUGHTER]
920
00:41:37,583 --> 00:41:39,793
- [MOANING SOFTLY]
- [LAUGHTER]
921
00:41:41,879 --> 00:41:44,173
He goes, "Yeah, it tastes the same."
You know?
922
00:41:44,256 --> 00:41:46,091
[LAUGHTER]
923
00:41:46,175 --> 00:41:48,636
[AUDIENCE MURMURING, CHUCKLING]
924
00:41:50,554 --> 00:41:53,766
He says, "I'm gonna give you your
homework." Those are his words.
925
00:41:53,849 --> 00:41:56,227
"I'm gonna give you your homework."
I go, "What's my homework?"
926
00:41:56,310 --> 00:42:00,147
He goes, "Go home, ejaculate 20 times."
927
00:42:00,231 --> 00:42:04,527
"Bring in your 21st sample in this cup,
and we'll test it and let you know
928
00:42:04,610 --> 00:42:07,530
if you're clear."
I was like, "That ain't shit." You know?
929
00:42:07,613 --> 00:42:09,949
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
930
00:42:12,409 --> 00:42:14,703
I do my homework all the time, baby.
So...
931
00:42:14,787 --> 00:42:17,581
- [LAUGHTER]
- [CHEERING]
932
00:42:17,665 --> 00:42:19,208
He goes to leave,
933
00:42:19,291 --> 00:42:21,252
but he stops at the door.
934
00:42:21,335 --> 00:42:23,712
He goes, "Oh!
I almost forgot to tell you."
935
00:42:23,796 --> 00:42:25,047
"Take your time."
936
00:42:25,130 --> 00:42:26,966
And I said, "I was gonna."
937
00:42:27,049 --> 00:42:28,217
[LAUGHTER]
938
00:42:28,300 --> 00:42:29,426
And then he says,
939
00:42:29,510 --> 00:42:33,556
"Sometimes I forget to tell people."
940
00:42:33,639 --> 00:42:34,890
Which tells me
941
00:42:34,974 --> 00:42:38,477
that some people have returned
rather quickly.
942
00:42:38,561 --> 00:42:39,478
[LAUGHTER]
943
00:42:39,562 --> 00:42:42,273
With their assignment.
So I immediately ask him. I go,
944
00:42:42,356 --> 00:42:44,775
"What's the fastest anyone's
done 20 ejaculations?"
945
00:42:44,858 --> 00:42:46,318
[LAUGHTER]
946
00:42:46,402 --> 00:42:47,861
He goes, "48 hours."
947
00:42:47,945 --> 00:42:49,863
- And I was like...
- [AUDIENCE GROANS]
948
00:42:49,947 --> 00:42:54,076
"That motherfucker can keep that record.
I don't want anything to do with that."
949
00:42:54,159 --> 00:42:55,369
[LAUGHTER]
950
00:42:56,078 --> 00:42:59,248
- "That's the champ champ right there."
- [LAUGHTER]
951
00:42:59,915 --> 00:43:02,710
I went home and took another week off.
952
00:43:02,793 --> 00:43:05,546
I was black and blue. I was sore.
Like, "All right."
953
00:43:05,629 --> 00:43:08,090
But after the week,
it's time to get going.
954
00:43:08,173 --> 00:43:10,593
I started slowly, you know. I was like...
955
00:43:11,135 --> 00:43:13,846
[LAUGHTER]
956
00:43:13,929 --> 00:43:14,972
"Wake up."
957
00:43:16,307 --> 00:43:18,017
Didn't feel the same.
958
00:43:18,100 --> 00:43:19,351
It was strange.
959
00:43:19,435 --> 00:43:20,644
Different. You know?
960
00:43:20,728 --> 00:43:23,022
I could feel the system turning on.
961
00:43:23,105 --> 00:43:24,648
You know what it reminded me of?
962
00:43:24,732 --> 00:43:28,485
You know when you run the heat
for the first time in the winter?
963
00:43:29,570 --> 00:43:32,031
And you're like, "This smells weird, man."
Like...
964
00:43:32,114 --> 00:43:34,199
[LAUGHTER]
965
00:43:35,951 --> 00:43:37,786
I could feel it building up.
966
00:43:38,704 --> 00:43:43,626
And I could not get
this one intrusive thought
967
00:43:43,709 --> 00:43:45,294
out of my head,
968
00:43:45,377 --> 00:43:49,048
which was, "It's just gonna be blood
that comes out."
969
00:43:49,131 --> 00:43:50,799
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
970
00:43:50,883 --> 00:43:53,010
- I didn't want it to be.
- [LAUGHTER]
971
00:43:53,093 --> 00:43:54,511
I just kept thinking it.
972
00:43:54,595 --> 00:43:57,014
So now I'm jerking off all scared. Like...
973
00:43:57,556 --> 00:43:59,099
[EXAGGERATED WHIMPERING]
974
00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:04,104
- [SORROWFULLY] "It's gonna be blood!"
- [LAUGHTER]
975
00:44:06,732 --> 00:44:09,109
But I pushed through. I kept going. And...
976
00:44:09,193 --> 00:44:11,070
[LAUGHTER]
977
00:44:11,153 --> 00:44:12,780
...when it finally did go,
978
00:44:12,863 --> 00:44:14,406
it wasn't blood.
979
00:44:14,490 --> 00:44:16,533
And in relief, I laughed.
980
00:44:16,617 --> 00:44:17,743
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
981
00:44:17,826 --> 00:44:20,162
So my first jack back
982
00:44:20,245 --> 00:44:21,121
was me going...
983
00:44:21,205 --> 00:44:23,499
- [LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
- [LAUGHTER]
984
00:44:23,582 --> 00:44:24,917
[APPLAUSE]
985
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:27,628
- Yeah. Well...
- [CROWD CHEERING]
986
00:44:28,545 --> 00:44:30,923
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUING]
987
00:44:32,966 --> 00:44:35,344
Instagram took it down,
but it's on my OnlyFans
988
00:44:35,427 --> 00:44:37,680
- if you wanna see it.
- [LAUGHTER]
989
00:44:37,763 --> 00:44:39,473
Six bucks a month. Now...
990
00:44:40,683 --> 00:44:44,269
The only thing, uh, that could deal with
that specific type of pain
991
00:44:44,353 --> 00:44:47,022
when I had the vasectomy
was eating edibles.
992
00:44:47,106 --> 00:44:51,485
You know? I had to eat edibles
every day for that achy, weird pain.
993
00:44:51,568 --> 00:44:55,989
Yeah. I always feel like I have to confess
to people immediately when I tell them,
994
00:44:56,073 --> 00:44:58,325
like, that I like edibles,
and that is because
995
00:44:58,409 --> 00:45:01,829
I am a lightweight
and I like mild edibles.
996
00:45:01,912 --> 00:45:04,039
- Some people wanna eat edibles...
- [APPLAUSE]
997
00:45:04,123 --> 00:45:05,457
You know, yeah. And...
998
00:45:05,541 --> 00:45:09,586
Some people wanna peek into the third
dimension casually every day.
999
00:45:09,670 --> 00:45:11,046
[CHEERING]
1000
00:45:11,130 --> 00:45:12,673
That's not me. All right?
1001
00:45:12,756 --> 00:45:15,259
I like five and ten milligrams,
1002
00:45:15,342 --> 00:45:16,760
- and people...
- [CHEERING]
1003
00:45:16,844 --> 00:45:18,429
- Sure.
- [APPLAUSE]
1004
00:45:18,512 --> 00:45:21,724
People mock me and they call me
"10 Milligram Tom"
1005
00:45:21,807 --> 00:45:24,601
- and this bullshit.
- [LAUGHTER]
1006
00:45:24,685 --> 00:45:28,731
Yell it to me on the street.
Like, "Are you eating your baby edibles?"
1007
00:45:28,814 --> 00:45:31,817
And I go, "Yes. Because I like
to be able to speak."
1008
00:45:31,900 --> 00:45:34,069
- "Is that crazy to you?"
- [SCATTERED CHEERS]
1009
00:45:34,153 --> 00:45:37,906
"You don't know people
that like a couple beers?"
1010
00:45:37,990 --> 00:45:39,074
Is it always,
1011
00:45:39,158 --> 00:45:42,202
"I like to drink 36."
1012
00:45:42,286 --> 00:45:44,371
"Okay. Good for you, Bert."
1013
00:45:44,455 --> 00:45:47,583
- "Have a great night." So...
- [RAUCOUS CHEERING]
1014
00:45:55,174 --> 00:45:56,717
[CHEERING FADES]
1015
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:58,761
[GUFFAWS MOCKINGLY]
1016
00:45:58,844 --> 00:46:00,012
[LAUGHTER]
1017
00:46:00,095 --> 00:46:03,098
[SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1018
00:46:03,182 --> 00:46:05,559
[MOCKINGLY] "I'm the mechanic!"
Or whatever.
1019
00:46:05,642 --> 00:46:07,478
[LAUGHTER]
1020
00:46:07,561 --> 00:46:09,646
[CROWD CHEERING]
1021
00:46:09,730 --> 00:46:10,606
Yeah.
1022
00:46:10,689 --> 00:46:12,983
[CHEERING CONTINUES]
1023
00:46:15,068 --> 00:46:15,986
Bert.
1024
00:46:17,321 --> 00:46:19,865
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
1025
00:46:19,948 --> 00:46:21,200
Well...
1026
00:46:21,283 --> 00:46:23,786
"We forgot how the story goes.
Tell it again." Now...
1027
00:46:23,869 --> 00:46:26,038
- [LAUGHTER]
- [CHORTLES]
1028
00:46:27,915 --> 00:46:29,583
That's my bestie.
1029
00:46:29,666 --> 00:46:31,668
[LAUGHTER]
1030
00:46:31,752 --> 00:46:34,505
Speaking of friends, you never...
I wanna make this clear.
1031
00:46:34,588 --> 00:46:36,298
If you drink, if you smoke,
1032
00:46:36,381 --> 00:46:38,425
if you inject things into your eyeballs,
1033
00:46:38,509 --> 00:46:42,095
you never have to worry about strangers.
1034
00:46:42,179 --> 00:46:45,808
Never push the myth that a stranger
might be culpable
1035
00:46:45,891 --> 00:46:47,100
in getting you fucked up.
1036
00:46:47,184 --> 00:46:50,145
People say it, like, "What if a stranger
spikes my drink?"
1037
00:46:50,229 --> 00:46:53,273
"What if a stranger hands me a joint
and it's laced?"
1038
00:46:53,357 --> 00:46:57,027
Guess what? It'll never be a stranger.
It'll be one of your friends. Okay?
1039
00:46:57,110 --> 00:47:00,531
- [LAUGHTER]
- Your friends will fuck you the hardest.
1040
00:47:00,614 --> 00:47:01,573
[LAUGHTER]
1041
00:47:02,199 --> 00:47:03,659
I know this firsthand.
1042
00:47:03,742 --> 00:47:05,994
I have a bunch of really cool friends.
Um...
1043
00:47:06,829 --> 00:47:09,540
I found out on this tour
that one of my friends
1044
00:47:09,623 --> 00:47:12,501
was in the same city as I was in
on the same night.
1045
00:47:12,584 --> 00:47:15,420
Very rare in this line of work.
I was in Miami.
1046
00:47:15,504 --> 00:47:18,090
I find this out.
I cancel our dinner plans.
1047
00:47:18,173 --> 00:47:19,466
I drive across town.
1048
00:47:19,550 --> 00:47:21,176
I walk into this club
1049
00:47:21,260 --> 00:47:22,845
and I see my good friend.
1050
00:47:22,928 --> 00:47:25,472
Some of you know him.
He's a comedian and podcaster.
1051
00:47:25,556 --> 00:47:28,267
His name is Joey Diaz.
1052
00:47:28,350 --> 00:47:30,769
- Now...
- [RESOUNDING CHEERS]
1053
00:47:32,396 --> 00:47:35,315
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
1054
00:47:35,399 --> 00:47:37,651
[CHEERS FADE]
1055
00:47:37,734 --> 00:47:39,903
If you're here
and don't know who that is,
1056
00:47:39,987 --> 00:47:42,322
please allow me to describe him to you.
1057
00:47:42,406 --> 00:47:43,490
[LAUGHTER]
1058
00:47:43,574 --> 00:47:45,742
Joey is a very funny man.
1059
00:47:45,826 --> 00:47:47,077
He's a... He's a comedian.
1060
00:47:47,160 --> 00:47:48,954
He's 60 years old.
1061
00:47:49,037 --> 00:47:51,331
He's a Cuban immigrant.
1062
00:47:51,415 --> 00:47:53,709
Uh, he weighs 295.
1063
00:47:53,792 --> 00:47:58,380
And... he sort of looks like
if somebody was making a person
1064
00:47:58,463 --> 00:48:01,967
and then they left him under a heat lamp
for like 15 minutes.
1065
00:48:02,050 --> 00:48:04,678
[CROWD GROANS, CHUCKLING]
1066
00:48:07,222 --> 00:48:09,641
As a side note, I feel like
I should point out
1067
00:48:09,725 --> 00:48:13,604
he was addicted to cocaine and heroin
for 20 years.
1068
00:48:14,313 --> 00:48:17,399
I think that's relevant to the story.
Now...
1069
00:48:17,482 --> 00:48:18,984
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
1070
00:48:19,067 --> 00:48:20,485
Joey's very affectionate.
1071
00:48:20,569 --> 00:48:23,196
I get to this place
and he gives me a great big hug.
1072
00:48:23,280 --> 00:48:26,617
And the first thing he says to me,
he goes, "I got you something."
1073
00:48:26,700 --> 00:48:27,701
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
1074
00:48:27,784 --> 00:48:30,245
I go, "You got me something?
What did you get me?"
1075
00:48:30,329 --> 00:48:33,665
He goes, "I know you like your tens.
You're 10 Milli Tom."
1076
00:48:33,749 --> 00:48:35,000
[LAUGHTER]
1077
00:48:35,083 --> 00:48:36,418
"I got you some tens."
1078
00:48:36,501 --> 00:48:38,337
And I go, "No, you didn't."
1079
00:48:38,420 --> 00:48:40,005
[LAUGHTER]
1080
00:48:41,506 --> 00:48:44,217
He goes, "I did." I go, "No, you didn't."
1081
00:48:44,301 --> 00:48:47,429
He goes, "Why are you saying that?"
"'Cause you're a liar and a bad person."
1082
00:48:47,512 --> 00:48:49,514
- "You're lying right now."
- [LAUGHTER]
1083
00:48:50,724 --> 00:48:53,310
He goes, "No, I'm not."
I go, "Sure you are."
1084
00:48:53,393 --> 00:48:54,770
And he has a jar,
1085
00:48:54,853 --> 00:48:56,229
and he pours
1086
00:48:56,313 --> 00:48:58,231
five gelcaps
1087
00:48:58,315 --> 00:48:59,566
into his hand.
1088
00:48:59,650 --> 00:49:02,861
And he goes, "These are tens."
And I go, "Bullshit."
1089
00:49:02,945 --> 00:49:03,987
[LAUGHTER]
1090
00:49:04,071 --> 00:49:05,072
And then he goes...
1091
00:49:05,155 --> 00:49:07,491
- [GULPS]
- [LAUGHTER]
1092
00:49:07,574 --> 00:49:09,201
Eats all five.
1093
00:49:09,284 --> 00:49:11,078
Like they're Skittles.
1094
00:49:11,161 --> 00:49:12,788
[LAUGHTER]
1095
00:49:12,871 --> 00:49:15,499
So then I go, "Huh.
Maybe they are tens."
1096
00:49:17,125 --> 00:49:19,962
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
1097
00:49:21,630 --> 00:49:23,674
I said, "I would like one."
1098
00:49:23,757 --> 00:49:26,468
I put it on my tongue.
I take a sip of water.
1099
00:49:26,551 --> 00:49:28,011
As it goes down,
1100
00:49:28,095 --> 00:49:30,180
I look at him. He goes, "Oh!"
1101
00:49:30,263 --> 00:49:32,599
[LAUGHTER]
1102
00:49:37,270 --> 00:49:40,107
I go, "How much did I just take?"
And he goes, "Ten."
1103
00:49:40,190 --> 00:49:43,860
- And he just walks out of the room.
- [LAUGHTER]
1104
00:49:43,944 --> 00:49:45,278
I'm watching him perform.
1105
00:49:45,362 --> 00:49:47,990
You know, 30 minutes in,
I have a buzz.
1106
00:49:48,073 --> 00:49:50,033
When the show's over,
1107
00:49:50,117 --> 00:49:52,160
I am out...
1108
00:49:52,244 --> 00:49:55,497
of my goddamn mind.
1109
00:49:55,580 --> 00:49:56,957
[LAUGHTER]
1110
00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:59,918
I am vibrating like a tuning fork.
1111
00:50:00,002 --> 00:50:03,380
I'm like... [IMITATES PULSING VIBRATION]
1112
00:50:03,463 --> 00:50:04,923
[LAUGHTER]
1113
00:50:05,007 --> 00:50:06,883
I can't open my eyes. I'm like...
1114
00:50:06,967 --> 00:50:10,971
[LAUGHTER]
1115
00:50:12,806 --> 00:50:16,184
I have to put my hand
on a man's shoulder
1116
00:50:16,268 --> 00:50:18,520
to guide me across the room.
1117
00:50:18,603 --> 00:50:20,605
- I'm like...
- [LAUGHTER]
1118
00:50:24,776 --> 00:50:27,654
I go... [CLENCHED] "Joey, we gotta get
the fuck outta here."
1119
00:50:28,196 --> 00:50:31,324
And we do. Do you know where we go?
To the airport. Yay.
1120
00:50:31,408 --> 00:50:32,784
[LAUGHTER]
1121
00:50:32,868 --> 00:50:35,495
Let's have a panic attack
in a tube in the sky.
1122
00:50:36,455 --> 00:50:39,541
I'm walking through
Miami International Airport
1123
00:50:39,624 --> 00:50:42,419
freaking people the fuck out.
All right?
1124
00:50:42,502 --> 00:50:46,965
You know why? I forget how to walk.
I forget how to walk.
1125
00:50:47,049 --> 00:50:49,760
I can't figure out the fuckin'
body scanner thing.
1126
00:50:49,843 --> 00:50:50,927
I'm like... [SNICKERS]
1127
00:50:51,011 --> 00:50:52,929
[LAUGHTER]
1128
00:50:56,016 --> 00:50:58,185
[NERVOUSLY] "Can you hear
my heartbeat too?"
1129
00:50:58,268 --> 00:51:00,270
- [TITTERS]
- [LAUGHTER]
1130
00:51:00,353 --> 00:51:02,981
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
1131
00:51:05,150 --> 00:51:07,527
I'm sweating, but I'm cold. You know?
1132
00:51:08,403 --> 00:51:11,364
Asking everyone for blankets, like,
"Do you have a blanket?"
1133
00:51:12,324 --> 00:51:13,658
"I want a blanket!"
1134
00:51:14,284 --> 00:51:17,496
They're like, "You're on the toilet.
Get the fuck outta here."
1135
00:51:17,579 --> 00:51:19,581
[LAUGHTER]
1136
00:51:21,124 --> 00:51:24,002
I pass out in a meditative state.
1137
00:51:24,711 --> 00:51:27,172
On this flight. I do.
Then I just wake up scared.
1138
00:51:27,255 --> 00:51:31,009
You ever wake up just terrified?
Like, I sit up and I'm like, "Ah!"
1139
00:51:31,093 --> 00:51:32,260
[LAUGHTER]
1140
00:51:32,344 --> 00:51:33,929
"Why am I a bad person?"
1141
00:51:34,012 --> 00:51:35,222
[LAUGHTER]
1142
00:51:35,305 --> 00:51:37,140
And I do something I've never done.
1143
00:51:37,224 --> 00:51:38,475
A flight attendant
1144
00:51:38,558 --> 00:51:39,851
passes down the aisle,
1145
00:51:39,935 --> 00:51:42,687
and as she passes, I grab her arm.
1146
00:51:42,771 --> 00:51:43,855
Hard.
1147
00:51:44,481 --> 00:51:47,359
Like I'm gonna put it on my dick.
Like, I grab it.
1148
00:51:47,442 --> 00:51:49,945
[LAUGHTER]
1149
00:51:50,028 --> 00:51:52,114
And she's stunned. So she goes...
1150
00:51:52,197 --> 00:51:53,949
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [LAUGHTER]
1151
00:51:54,032 --> 00:51:55,700
And I'm so fucked up,
1152
00:51:55,784 --> 00:51:58,328
I go, "Wait, how come? Do you know?"
1153
00:51:58,411 --> 00:52:01,373
[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]
1154
00:52:04,126 --> 00:52:05,252
"Why are we alive?"
1155
00:52:05,335 --> 00:52:07,504
And she's like, "What? What?"
1156
00:52:08,463 --> 00:52:11,675
Now luckily
I have a decent friend with me, Shaun.
1157
00:52:11,758 --> 00:52:13,969
He interjects, goes, "He took an Ambien."
1158
00:52:14,052 --> 00:52:17,055
She's like, "Okay."
She just keeps going down the aisle.
1159
00:52:17,139 --> 00:52:19,057
[LAUGHTER]
1160
00:52:20,308 --> 00:52:22,727
Now he's worried about me,
so he wakes Joey up.
1161
00:52:22,811 --> 00:52:25,230
He goes, "Joey!"
And Joey's like, "What?"
1162
00:52:25,897 --> 00:52:27,607
He goes, "What did you give Tom?"
1163
00:52:27,691 --> 00:52:29,860
He goes, "I gave him 200 milligrams."
1164
00:52:29,943 --> 00:52:32,571
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS]
1165
00:52:33,363 --> 00:52:34,948
"Dipped in hash oil."
1166
00:52:35,031 --> 00:52:36,825
[AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING]
1167
00:52:36,908 --> 00:52:38,994
I go... [SLURRED]
"Why you do that to me?"
1168
00:52:39,077 --> 00:52:40,912
[LAUGHTER]
1169
00:52:41,913 --> 00:52:44,332
He goes, "You're gonna
see the devil now, bitch."
1170
00:52:44,416 --> 00:52:46,334
[LAUGHTER]
1171
00:52:46,418 --> 00:52:49,004
[RESOUNDING CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1172
00:52:52,174 --> 00:52:54,092
[AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES]
1173
00:52:55,010 --> 00:52:56,636
[APPLAUSE FADES]
1174
00:52:56,720 --> 00:52:58,847
I go, "I think I'm fuckin'
looking at him."
1175
00:52:58,930 --> 00:53:00,182
[LAUGHTER]
1176
00:53:00,265 --> 00:53:02,601
And let's rewind, by the way.
He took five.
1177
00:53:03,476 --> 00:53:05,520
He's on a thousand milligrams.
1178
00:53:05,604 --> 00:53:07,772
Like... [YAWNS]
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
1179
00:53:07,856 --> 00:53:10,692
"I'm going to the hospital tomorrow.
What are you doing?"
1180
00:53:11,234 --> 00:53:12,444
Psycho.
1181
00:53:12,527 --> 00:53:14,529
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
1182
00:53:14,613 --> 00:53:18,950
But listen to me. If you have never been
surprise megadosed,
1183
00:53:19,034 --> 00:53:22,120
- it is horrific.
- [LAUGHTER]
1184
00:53:22,204 --> 00:53:26,333
It is a harrowing,
panic-induced terror ride.
1185
00:53:26,416 --> 00:53:28,084
And so a few weeks ago,
1186
00:53:28,168 --> 00:53:29,836
I did it to my mother. Uh...
1187
00:53:29,920 --> 00:53:33,423
- [LAUGHTER]
- [SCATTERED CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
1188
00:53:33,506 --> 00:53:34,382
I did.
1189
00:53:35,634 --> 00:53:39,638
I was visiting her. She's alone.
She knows I eat them at night.
1190
00:53:39,721 --> 00:53:42,057
I've told her they help me sleep,
which they do.
1191
00:53:42,140 --> 00:53:46,061
And she calls them "gummies." So...
She comes up to me and she's like...
1192
00:53:46,144 --> 00:53:49,231
[SLIGHTLY ACCENTED]
"Are you going to have a gummy tonight?"
1193
00:53:50,148 --> 00:53:52,108
And I go, "Yes."
1194
00:53:52,192 --> 00:53:53,860
She goes, "May I have one?"
1195
00:53:54,653 --> 00:53:56,655
And I was like... [LAUGHS] "Yeah."
1196
00:53:56,738 --> 00:53:58,323
[LAUGHTER]
1197
00:53:58,406 --> 00:53:59,866
I give her one
1198
00:53:59,950 --> 00:54:01,660
because I take one.
1199
00:54:01,743 --> 00:54:03,787
And one gets me high, so I'm like,
1200
00:54:03,870 --> 00:54:06,623
"This is gonna peel back her wig."
You know?
1201
00:54:06,706 --> 00:54:08,375
[LAUGHTER]
1202
00:54:08,959 --> 00:54:13,004
I sit around with her for a couple hours.
Then I ask her, "How do you feel?"
1203
00:54:13,088 --> 00:54:16,091
She goes...
[WITH EMPHASIS] "I feel nothing."
1204
00:54:16,174 --> 00:54:17,425
[LAUGHTER]
1205
00:54:17,509 --> 00:54:19,594
Like, "Really?" She goes, "Yes."
1206
00:54:20,553 --> 00:54:23,556
I go, "All right. I don't know.
Go to bed, you fuckin' savage."
1207
00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:26,434
- "I don't know what to tell you."
- [LAUGHTER]
1208
00:54:26,518 --> 00:54:30,105
The next day, it's evening
and she comes up to me again.
1209
00:54:30,188 --> 00:54:33,650
[MIMICS ACCENT]
"May I have another gummy tonight?"
1210
00:54:34,484 --> 00:54:37,028
I go, "You had one yesterday.
You didn't feel anything."
1211
00:54:37,112 --> 00:54:40,657
- She goes, "Maybe I should take two."
- [LAUGHTER]
1212
00:54:40,740 --> 00:54:42,492
[CLICKS TONGUE]
"Maybe you should."
1213
00:54:42,575 --> 00:54:43,618
[LAUGHTER]
1214
00:54:43,702 --> 00:54:45,620
I give her two. We hang out.
1215
00:54:45,704 --> 00:54:47,914
And again, I ask her,
1216
00:54:47,998 --> 00:54:49,958
"How do you feel?" She goes...
1217
00:54:50,041 --> 00:54:53,086
[WITH EMPHASIS] "I feel nothing."
1218
00:54:53,169 --> 00:54:54,546
I'm like, "Really?"
1219
00:54:55,255 --> 00:54:57,632
She goes, "Should I take two more?"
1220
00:54:58,758 --> 00:55:02,220
I said, "Hey, Pablo, you might wanna
keep it in first for a minute."
1221
00:55:02,304 --> 00:55:03,596
[LAUGHTER]
1222
00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:05,932
She goes, "You don't think so?"
1223
00:55:06,016 --> 00:55:09,019
I go, "Actually, I do think so.
Here. Here's two more."
1224
00:55:09,102 --> 00:55:10,312
I give it to her.
1225
00:55:10,395 --> 00:55:14,566
She eats them. And then she says,
"I'm going to bed." I go, "All right."
1226
00:55:14,649 --> 00:55:17,235
She goes to her room.
I go to the guest room.
1227
00:55:17,319 --> 00:55:19,404
A few minutes later...
1228
00:55:19,487 --> 00:55:20,655
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
1229
00:55:20,739 --> 00:55:23,867
...I receive a series of text messages
1230
00:55:24,951 --> 00:55:27,329
that I have since memorized.
1231
00:55:27,412 --> 00:55:29,497
[LAUGHTER]
1232
00:55:30,415 --> 00:55:34,127
The first one says, "Tommy, I am fizzing."
1233
00:55:34,210 --> 00:55:36,421
[LAUGHTER]
1234
00:55:36,504 --> 00:55:38,757
F-I-Z-Z...
1235
00:55:39,716 --> 00:55:41,051
I-N-G.
1236
00:55:41,885 --> 00:55:43,595
I write back, "Sounds cool."
1237
00:55:43,678 --> 00:55:45,555
[LAUGHTER]
1238
00:55:45,638 --> 00:55:48,308
'Cause who the fuck is like,
"I'm fizzing right now"?
1239
00:55:48,391 --> 00:55:50,977
[LAUGHTER]
1240
00:55:51,061 --> 00:55:54,439
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE, CHEERS]
1241
00:55:54,522 --> 00:55:57,650
"We out here fizzing tonight, baby."
I don't know what that is.
1242
00:55:58,568 --> 00:56:02,113
She writes back, "My heart rate is 125."
1243
00:56:02,197 --> 00:56:03,823
[CROWD CHUCKLES]
1244
00:56:03,907 --> 00:56:05,658
"Oh, I am spinning."
1245
00:56:07,452 --> 00:56:09,996
So I write, "LOL."
I think she's having fun.
1246
00:56:10,080 --> 00:56:11,915
[LAUGHTER]
1247
00:56:12,707 --> 00:56:15,835
Then she writes,
"Please come now. I don't feel well."
1248
00:56:17,253 --> 00:56:18,838
I go into her room
1249
00:56:18,922 --> 00:56:22,384
- and my mother is seated upright.
- [LAUGHTER]
1250
00:56:22,467 --> 00:56:25,887
In b... That is an alarming look.
For an elderly woman?
1251
00:56:26,930 --> 00:56:28,765
Most of them lay down or lean.
1252
00:56:28,848 --> 00:56:30,475
She's just in bed, like...
1253
00:56:30,558 --> 00:56:32,811
[LAUGHTER]
1254
00:56:32,894 --> 00:56:35,563
I go, "Are you okay?"
She goes... [HOARSELY] "No."
1255
00:56:35,647 --> 00:56:37,023
[LAUGHTER]
1256
00:56:37,107 --> 00:56:40,652
So I take her out to the patio.
I'm thinking, "Fresh air." You know?
1257
00:56:40,735 --> 00:56:42,779
It's clear immediately
1258
00:56:42,862 --> 00:56:45,198
that we are in for a ride.
1259
00:56:45,281 --> 00:56:47,534
[LAUGHTER]
1260
00:56:47,617 --> 00:56:49,702
The first thing she does, she goes...
1261
00:56:49,786 --> 00:56:53,289
- [SMACKS LIPS RAPIDLY]
- [LAUGHTER]
1262
00:56:53,373 --> 00:56:54,874
[MIMICS ACCENT] "My lips!"
1263
00:56:56,709 --> 00:56:58,253
"They are stuck together."
1264
00:56:58,336 --> 00:57:00,255
[LAUGHTER]
1265
00:57:00,338 --> 00:57:01,798
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
1266
00:57:07,303 --> 00:57:09,180
I go, "I'll get you some water."
1267
00:57:09,264 --> 00:57:10,807
[CROWD CHUCKLING]
1268
00:57:10,890 --> 00:57:12,976
And she goes, "Why am I hungry?"
1269
00:57:13,059 --> 00:57:14,477
[LAUGHTER]
1270
00:57:14,561 --> 00:57:16,938
- I said, "'Cause it's working."
- [LAUGHTER]
1271
00:57:17,564 --> 00:57:20,483
And she goes, "The dog was here.
The dog is gone?"
1272
00:57:21,192 --> 00:57:22,902
And I go, "Oh my God."
1273
00:57:22,986 --> 00:57:24,571
[LAUGHTER]
1274
00:57:24,654 --> 00:57:27,073
I start to laugh so...
1275
00:57:28,032 --> 00:57:29,242
destructively hard.
1276
00:57:29,325 --> 00:57:30,660
[LAUGHTER]
1277
00:57:30,743 --> 00:57:33,538
It... It is not, "Ha-ha-ha."
1278
00:57:33,621 --> 00:57:36,374
It is a deep, primal...
1279
00:57:36,458 --> 00:57:40,378
I'm watching my 77-year-old mother
get high.
1280
00:57:40,462 --> 00:57:43,840
I'm not laughing, my nervous system
is shutting down, all right?
1281
00:57:43,923 --> 00:57:46,092
[LAUGHTER]
1282
00:57:46,176 --> 00:57:48,261
I mean, I'm watching her look at sounds.
1283
00:57:48,344 --> 00:57:49,429
You know, she's like...
1284
00:57:49,512 --> 00:57:51,639
[LAUGHTER]
1285
00:57:55,059 --> 00:57:57,812
It hurts. It hurts how hard...
My esoph... I'm like...
1286
00:57:57,896 --> 00:58:00,773
[RASPY EXHALING]
1287
00:58:01,483 --> 00:58:05,111
As I'm laughing, I look at her.
And at one moment,
1288
00:58:05,195 --> 00:58:07,697
her face contorts.
1289
00:58:07,780 --> 00:58:09,949
Her face goes...
1290
00:58:10,533 --> 00:58:12,494
[LAUGHTER]
1291
00:58:13,369 --> 00:58:15,079
And she looks at me.
1292
00:58:15,163 --> 00:58:20,335
And she goes, "Tomorrow, your laughter
will be tears on my corpse."
1293
00:58:20,418 --> 00:58:23,004
- And I'm like...
- [AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS]
1294
00:58:23,087 --> 00:58:24,255
"What?!"
1295
00:58:26,049 --> 00:58:28,218
She goes, "It's the perfect murder."
1296
00:58:28,301 --> 00:58:30,011
[LAUGHTER]
1297
00:58:30,094 --> 00:58:32,096
"Nobody will know it was you."
1298
00:58:33,348 --> 00:58:35,767
My lungs invert at this point.
1299
00:58:35,850 --> 00:58:38,353
And I have tears streaming
1300
00:58:38,978 --> 00:58:40,063
down my face.
1301
00:58:40,146 --> 00:58:43,233
She's so high, she thinks my laughter
1302
00:58:43,316 --> 00:58:45,443
is confirming her thoughts.
1303
00:58:45,527 --> 00:58:46,653
[LAUGHTER]
1304
00:58:46,736 --> 00:58:50,240
She starts to legit plead for her life.
1305
00:58:50,323 --> 00:58:51,533
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
1306
00:58:51,616 --> 00:58:53,409
She goes, "Tommy, please!"
1307
00:58:54,160 --> 00:58:55,662
"Please!"
1308
00:58:55,745 --> 00:58:56,996
"Don't kill me!"
1309
00:58:57,080 --> 00:58:58,122
[LAUGHTER]
1310
00:58:58,206 --> 00:58:59,791
"I am your mother!"
1311
00:58:59,874 --> 00:59:01,334
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
1312
00:59:01,417 --> 00:59:03,211
I fuckin' pass out in a chair.
1313
00:59:03,294 --> 00:59:04,712
I'm like... [GRUNTS]
1314
00:59:04,796 --> 00:59:06,965
[LAUGHTER]
1315
00:59:07,048 --> 00:59:09,217
[APPLAUSE]
1316
00:59:09,300 --> 00:59:14,013
[RESOUNDING CHEERS]
1317
00:59:16,849 --> 00:59:18,434
[APPLAUSE FADES]
1318
00:59:18,518 --> 00:59:20,895
I wake. I don't even know
where the fuck I am.
1319
00:59:21,729 --> 00:59:23,022
It's morning.
1320
00:59:23,106 --> 00:59:25,858
I walk into the kitchen
at the same time as her.
1321
00:59:25,942 --> 00:59:27,235
I go, "Hey, Mom."
1322
00:59:27,318 --> 00:59:30,446
And she doesn't say anything.
I'm like, "Oh, shit."
1323
00:59:30,530 --> 00:59:33,658
She just walks over to the coffee maker
and she goes...
1324
00:59:33,741 --> 00:59:34,742
[SUCKS TEETH]
1325
00:59:34,826 --> 00:59:39,205
- "I know you tried to kill me last night."
- [CLAMOROUS LAUGHTER]
1326
00:59:43,543 --> 00:59:45,628
"It was very clever."
1327
00:59:45,712 --> 00:59:48,298
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
1328
00:59:48,381 --> 00:59:50,174
"But I am still here, Tommy."
1329
00:59:50,258 --> 00:59:51,884
[LAUGHTER]
1330
00:59:52,760 --> 00:59:56,389
I go, "I didn't try to kill you."
She goes, "Oh yes, you did."
1331
00:59:57,515 --> 00:59:59,058
So I leave for the day.
1332
00:59:59,142 --> 01:00:00,518
I come back later.
1333
01:00:00,602 --> 01:00:02,478
I go, "Look, I owe you an apology."
1334
01:00:02,562 --> 01:00:04,689
"I should not have let you eat that much.
I'm sorry."
1335
01:00:04,772 --> 01:00:06,399
She goes, "It's okay. I forgive you."
1336
01:00:06,482 --> 01:00:09,068
I'm like, "Really? Thank you.
Makes me feel better."
1337
01:00:09,152 --> 01:00:11,237
She goes, "I want to tell you one thing."
1338
01:00:11,321 --> 01:00:12,614
And I go, "What?"
1339
01:00:12,697 --> 01:00:15,366
She goes, "I want another gummy tonight."
1340
01:00:15,450 --> 01:00:16,618
And I go, "What?"
1341
01:00:16,701 --> 01:00:19,037
She eats them every day now.
1342
01:00:19,120 --> 01:00:21,873
- She's doing coke. She grew her bush out.
- [LAUGHTER]
1343
01:00:21,956 --> 01:00:23,374
She's fuckin' the neighbors.
1344
01:00:23,458 --> 01:00:25,501
- She's living her best life.
- [CHEERING]
1345
01:00:25,585 --> 01:00:27,795
If you ever meet her, give her drugs.
1346
01:00:27,879 --> 01:00:30,798
Thank you guys very much for coming out.
Have a great night.
1347
01:00:30,882 --> 01:00:36,012
- ["NOW YOU'RE MINE" BY GANG STARR PLAYS]
- [EXTENDED CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
1348
01:00:39,849 --> 01:00:42,602
♪ Yo, Duke, you're dead wrong
You'll never have the skills like mine ♪
1349
01:00:42,685 --> 01:00:45,438
♪ I write the ill type rhymes
Now I'm reaching my prime ♪
1350
01:00:45,521 --> 01:00:47,315
♪ 360 dunk in your face ♪
1351
01:00:47,398 --> 01:00:50,151
♪ You can't compete
You're just a basketcase ♪
1352
01:00:50,234 --> 01:00:52,278
♪ Let's separate the men from the boys ♪
1353
01:00:52,362 --> 01:00:55,114
♪ And put your money where your mouth is
No time for toys ♪
1354
01:00:55,198 --> 01:00:57,283
♪ Your game is weak, you geek
So don't sleep ♪
1355
01:00:57,367 --> 01:00:59,786
♪ 'Cause I'll be checking and wrecking ya
When I start to creep ♪
1356
01:00:59,869 --> 01:01:02,497
♪ Through the back door
I know I caught you out there ♪
1357
01:01:02,580 --> 01:01:04,791
♪ You got no clout here
And I doubt there ♪
1358
01:01:04,874 --> 01:01:07,126
♪ Is any way that you can stop
The beatdown ♪
1359
01:01:07,210 --> 01:01:09,796
♪ You ought to play the background
And sit back down ♪
1360
01:01:09,879 --> 01:01:11,756
♪ Chumps like you
I gotta keep 'em in line ♪
1361
01:01:11,839 --> 01:01:13,675
♪ So prepare to suffer, boy ♪
1362
01:01:13,758 --> 01:01:16,260
♪ 'Cause now you're mine ♪ [ECHOES]
1363
01:01:19,097 --> 01:01:20,390
{\an8}[MUSIC FADES]
1364
01:01:20,473 --> 01:01:22,725
- [ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF PLAYS]
- [ECHOING THUD]
1365
01:01:22,809 --> 01:01:24,143
[MAN] I left a wallet there.
1366
01:01:25,269 --> 01:01:28,272
[GENTLE AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYS]
1367
01:01:29,399 --> 01:01:30,942
[MUSIC FADES]
99346
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