All language subtitles for The Nanny S04E04

Oh, I can't believe
we're here to see

the Rosie O'Donnell Show.

After his incredibly
memorable performance

in the hit film
Four Weddings and a Funeral,

our first guest
has gone on to become

one of today's hottest
movie stars.

His new movie,Extreme Measures,
opens next Friday.

Please say hello to Hugh Grant.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING;
BAND PLAYING INTRO
FLOURISH]

HUGH:
Hey, what's up?

-HUGH: Thank you.
-ROSIE: Hello.

-HUGH: Hi.
-ROSIE: How are you?

You shot it
here in New York?

We shot most of it
here in New York.

Yeah, that's an experience.
I mean, it's a nice
experience.

Don't get me wrong, but just,
it took some adjustment.

I'm used to English film sets

where everyone's very very nice
to you all the time.

"Hello love,
can I get you anything?

A cup of tea, doughnut?"
That kind of stuff.

-Right.
-And, here, I find myself

getting cups of tea
and doughnuts for the drivers.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, is he to die for or what?

Oh, that thick head of hair
and
that adorable English accent.

Me stuck in the house all day.

Where am I ever gonna meet
a guy like that?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING;
BAND PLAYING INTRO FLOURISH]

All right. We're back.

Thanks. I'm on TV, huh, buddy.

Stifle.

That's my lovely assistant
telling me

my son will not go down
for his nap.

Put on C-SPAN, those senators
put each other to sleep.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

That's pretty funny.
Who said that?

Try that, try that.

-Stand up.
-Oh, look, I'm on the
monitor.

Oh, good, the camera puts
10 pounds on the hair too.

-ROSIE: Hey.
-FRAN: Hi.

ROSIE:
Hi. How are you?

-I'm good. Thank you.
-What's your name?

-Fran Fine.
Fran Fine, Miss Rosie
O'Donnell.
-[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

You know, it's two for
one
on Saturday at
Pathmark.

I like glossy,
but if you like a matte
finish--

Listen, I'm not Sally Jessy.
I can't pretend I care, okay?

-Oh, okay.
-All right.

How many kids you got, Fran?

Kids? No. I mean,
all the whining and the
diapers

and the schlepping, please.

Oh, yeah?
What do you do for a living?

-I'm a nanny.
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

So you're--

Let's see what this is.
Emergency.

Hey, Fran, your trick worked.

Two minutes with C-SPAN,
my son's out like a light.

Of course, watching
all those senators,

he now has a hooker
in the crib with him.

That's funny.

You're funny.
I like your laugh. Listen,
now why don't you meet me

in my dressing room
after the show, we could talk?

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

I swear I have
dreamed
of this exact moment

only my outfit was
tighter,
my hair was bigger

-and you were Streisand but...
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Yeah now what we think.
Fran Fine, ladies and
gentlemen.

We'll be back with Chaka Khan
right after this.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪♪ She was working
in a bridal shop
in Flushing, Queens ♪♪

♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend
kicked her out ♪♪

♪♪ In one of those
crushing scenes ♪♪

♪♪ What was she to do?
Where was she to go? ♪♪

♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪

♪♪ So over the bridge
from Flushing to the
Sheffield's door ♪♪

♪♪ She was there
to sell makeup,
but the father saw more ♪♪

♪♪ She had style!
She had flair! ♪♪

♪♪ She was there! That's how
she became the nanny! ♪♪

♪♪ Who would have guessed that
the girl we've described ♪♪

♪♪ Was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪♪

♪♪ Now the father
finds her beguiling ♪♪

♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪

♪♪ And the kids
are actually smiling ♪♪

♪♪ Such♪♪

♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪

♪♪ When everybody else
is wearing tan ♪♪

♪♪ The flashy girl
from Flushing ♪♪

♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪

I can't believe we're in
Rosie O'Donnell's dressing
room.

I'm so nervous, I don't know
what to do with myself.

You know, I'm doing what
any real fan would do.

I'm going through her stuff.

Oh, wow, she really does
shop at Kmart.

Hey, where's my favorite nanny?

Hey, how's the professor?

[BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY]

You're going through my
stuff,
aren't you?

Me? Oh, uh...

No. No.
This is hers. Here, honey.

She went through your stuff.

Oh, I'd like you to meet
my best friend, Val.

Oh, I loved you in Misery.

When you broke James Caan's
legs, I was screaming.

Yeah, thanks.

You know, I won an Oscar
for that performance.

-[MOUTHING] I know.
-This is Gracie,

one of the three beautiful
children that I take care
of.

Hi, Gracie.

You know, I care about them
more than myself.

Yeah, where are the other two?

Oh, I swiped their tickets

so me and Val could get in.

Hey, Fran, I was talking
to my producer outside.

What do you think about
doing
a weekly spot on the show?

You know, about childcare.

Oh, my God.

Me on the Rosie O'Donnell Show
in front of millions of people?

What's your male demographic?

Hmm. You know,
you're perfect for
TV.

You're funny, you're beautiful,

and you
obviously
adore children.

Oh, you know,
I am a nurturer by nature.

Fran, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Nanny's busy, honey.
Cross your legs.

Honey, let me be the one
to tell your father

about the job
on Rosie O'Donnell.

He doesn't understand
how I can juggle

a million things
and still stay on the ball.

[GASPS]
Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh.

Your brother and sister
didn't come with us today.

Fran, did you tell
Val
not to tell anyone?

Who is she gonna tell?
I'm her only friend.

[ALL TOGETHER]
Congratulations!

Val!

Oh, I'm sorry, but you are all
going to have to leave.

This isn't my house.

He's not home.

Photo op.

Oh, I can't tell you
how this job

on the Rosie Show makes me
so happy--

♪♪ Birthday to you ♪♪

♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

It's all right, Miss Fine.

Niles told me all about it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Why do you have
to be such a
yenta?

I am not a yenta. I'm just
sucking up so he'll tell me

what the thing on the plane
on the way back from Paris was.

Mr. Sheffield,
you're not
upset

that I'm gonna be
working two jobs?

Two jobs?
What's the other one?

Oh, here.

Yes.

Fran, you were born
to be in front of the
camera.

-It's in your genes.
-FRAN: Oh...

You know,
I was gonna be a model,

but you know what stopped me?

What's in your jeans?

-Mr. Sheffield.
-Hmm.

You know you're
certainly being
supportive.

Ah. Well, Miss Fine,
that's what I meant

when I said
we should be friends.

You mean when
you took back the thing.

NILES:
The definition of the
thing.

Maxwell told Fran he loved
her
on the way back from Paris,

then took it back.

Miss Fine,
friends should be supportive.

They don't dwell on the past.

Oh, yeah, they do.

I mean, you know, our people

might have enjoyed
Hogan's Heroes,

but that doesn't mean
that we're gonna go
out

and drive a Mercedes.

All right.
We may drive a Mercedes,

but it doesn't mean
we're gonna fly
Lufthansa.

Unless we have mileage.

Yes, yes, yes, all right.
I get the point.

You are never gonna forgive me
for taking back the thing.

-Well--
-What are you two doing airing
your dirty laundry in public?

Let's go into the office
where we can be more
private.

Speak into the flowers.

[BAND PLAYING "THERE'S NO
BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS"]

Please welcome America's
favorite nanny, Fran Fine.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

-FRAN: Oh, yeah.
-ROSIE: All right.

Your first letter right now:

"Dear Fran,
my son sits too
close

"to our TV set
when he's
watching.

What should I do?"
From Mary in Dayton,
Ohio.

Uh. Well, Mary,
here's the thing.

Get a bigger TV.

This way his head'll be
comparatively smaller

and it won't block
your view, honey.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

MAN [ON RECORDING]:
Good!

[ROSIE AND FRAN LAUGH]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT]

This is from Jackie
Hall
in New Jersey:

"Dear Fran,
I choose not to
breastfeed

but my husband thinks I
should.
What should I do?"

Well, that depends, Jackie.

Do you have any children?

[BOTH LAUGH]

[AUDIENCE
APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

No. I can do no more.

All right, one more. One more.

Thank you.

Bye, everyone. I love you.
I love you.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

You know, Maxwell,
I think it's nice

Nanny Fine's doing
that little talk show thing.

It gives us
so much more time together.

Our relationship has just
grown
by leaps and bounds.

Miss Fine, you're back.

Oh, I do hope
you've come to kibitz.

I do love it when we kibitz.

I just wanted
to say that,

you know, I know
I haven't been here a
lot

and I really
feel guilty about
it.

And not just the usual
low-level hum of guilt

that every Jew feels.

Oh, nonsense, Miss Fine.

Just promise me
one thing, though.

-When you become famous,
you won't forget us.
-[FRAN CHUCKLES]

Of course there are
a couple of little things

we can forget and move on, eh?

No, no, no.
We'll always have
Paris.

Nanny Fine, do you mind, we were
in the middle of something.

This is a place of business.

Well, it's okay.

I have a lot
of messages to
return.

Look at this: "Procter &
Gamble,
Gerber, Pampers."

What exactly does a
national
spokesperson do anyway?

They get their best friend
C.C.
to be their agent.

Well, you know, I really am
too nice to negotiate big
deals.

I guess I should
have
a ruthless,

blood-sucking leech on my side.

I'll take that as a yes.

What exactly does an agent get?

-You mean, you don't know?
-No.

-Fifty percent.
-C.C.

Okay. Forty percent.

Miss Fine and Miss Babcock
walking arm in arm.

Isn't that one of the
biblical
signs of the Apocalypse?

Fran, I thought you
were
gonna read me my book.

Whoa, little girl.

If you can't read by now,
start suing your school
system.

Nanny Fine, listen to this.

"The children
of St. Andrew's
Orphanage

"would love to meet you.

I'm sorry we can't afford
your personal appearance fee."

[LAUGHS]
Yeah, right.

I'm sorry too.

Hey, what are you doing home
so late?

Well, I had detention.

I thought someone
was gonna come down to my
school

sit on my teacher's
desk,
cross her legs,

and get me out of it.

-Oh, B.
-Quit whining.

Fran forgot
to chaperon me on my
date.

You don't hear me complaining.

A hickey, Maggie?

Did you really think that
you were gonna hide
a hickey from me

with a little pressed powder?

You need oil-base concealer.

Oh, kids, I've been
neglecting you. I'm so sorry.

It's just because I've been
so busy with Rosie,

I'm forgetting everything.

I don't even know how
I get dressed in the morning.

Oh, my God.

Oh, it's a thong. Okay.

Now, children, I do hope
we're not pestering Miss Fine.

We've all gotta try
to be a little more
supportive.

With her newfound celebrity,
Miss Fine is bound

to be a little less
accessible to us.

Now, run along. Go on.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, I'm just
as accessible as I always was.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'm telling you,

I'm still the same old
schlub
you met when I came here.

Hi, Donny!

Anyway...

Donald Trump,
I'd like you to meet--

Oh, what am I talking about?

All you handsome
zillionaires
know each other.

Donald.

Maxwell Sheffield.
How do you do?

You know, Donald caught me
on the Rosie Show

and invited me to a
party
at Elaine's for Demi

who's on the cover of George,
but I don't wanna name drop.

-See you in the limo.
-All right.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Hello.

I told you not to call me
on this line again.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

That's better.

Ah, you know, Mr. Sheffield,
a lot of men in your position

would be very threatened by me
running with movers and
shakers,

rubbing elbows
and God knows what else.

But not you.

You're really happy for me.

Now I know
what you meant when you said

you wanted us to be friends.

Of course.

I am very happy for you.

-Bye.
-Bye.

Niles, fetch me a bottle
of champagne, would you?

To toast Miss Fine's success?

No, to shoot my eye out
with the cork!

[♪♪♪]

Come on, Nanny Fine.
We don't wanna be
late.

Oh, you know,
we're meeting Uma and Uda

to see Emma with Oprah,

then dinner with Kyra,
Courtney and Keanu at--

Oh, what's that place again?

Oh, I'm so bad with names.

Niles, hypothetically,

if you cared very deeply for
someone but feared losing them,

what would you say
to get them to stay?

Oh, sir, I'm not going anywhere.

Not you,
you blithering idiot.

Miss Fine.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Aren't you gonna
answer the door?

Oh, is that what
that bell is?

You know, I never knew that

because I'm such
a blithering idiot.

Oh, thank God you're all right!

Why shouldn't I be?

-Give me a hug.
-What?

Oh, I was so worried.

Make yourself scarce.

Bubby Sophie came
to her in a dream

and told her you were
gonna
have a horrible accident.

You rushed
over here just because

someone appeared to you
in a dream?

Does everyone in your family

take this Bubby Sophie thing
seriously?

They do if they know
what's good for them.

She told me you were
gonna come home from work

and kiss a perky brunette
at the door

and take a terrible fall
over The Ottoman.

Ma, that's the opening
of The Dick Van Dyke Show.

I'm telling you,
it was in this very
house.

Look.

Here's Ritchie.

And there's Millie!

[♪♪♪]

FRAN:
Oh, good night, Niles.

Oh, I'm so full.

You know what I want
for breakfast tomorrow.

Just give me
two Belgian waffles.

[GROANING]

Mr. Sheffield.

-Mr. Sheffield. Mr.
Sheffield.
-[GASPING]

Where am I?

Oh, Miss Fine,
what are you doing here?

Well, I heard moaning and
screaming coming from your room

and I figured
I should be a part of
it.

I just had a horrible dream.

Calm down.

Tell me what you dreamt,
and I'll tell you what it
meant.

Well, I was at a party,

some sort of
a celebration for you.

Do you know someone
named Bubby Sophie?

My Bubby Sophie
came to you in a
dream?

She was horrible, retched.

They said she looked like me.

With a fantastic body.

Anyway, we were in a cemetery.

Everyone
was having a great time.

Just about
to toast your success,

when...

Maxwell!

♪♪ What's this I hear ♪♪

♪♪ About your nanny
on a talk show? ♪♪

♪♪ On a talk show ♪♪

♪♪ Who's the schmuck ♪♪

♪♪ Who let her do this
to your children? ♪♪

♪♪ To your children ♪♪

♪♪ I completely understand ♪♪

♪♪ You taking back the thing ♪♪

♪♪ Yes, the thing ♪♪

♪♪ She should be so happy ♪♪

♪♪ Just to have
you as a friend ♪♪

♪♪ And supportive! ♪♪

My Bubby said that?

Sounds crazy, no?

♪♪♪ If your nanny stays
on Rosie's show ♪♪

♪♪ The kids will
grow up wrong ♪♪

♪♪ No ♪♪

♪♪ Miss Babcock will get Max ♪♪

♪♪ Fran'll stay single
all her life ♪♪

♪♪ Oy ♪♪

♪♪ Living with her mother! ♪♪

♪♪ Living with her mother!
Living with her mother! ♪♪

[ALL VOCALIZING]

♪♪ That's Fran's fate ♪♪

♪♪ If she stays
on Rosie's show! ♪♪

[ALL SHRIEK]

Sorry, Miss Fine.
Did I scare you?

Uh... Yeah, I'm terrified.

So, what do you think
this dream could mean?

Oh, well, it's obvious.

Something horrible
is gonna happen to me

unless I quit the Rosie Show.

No way.

You think?

You know,
you're absolutely right.

Yeah.

Thank God I don't buy into

all that Bubby Sophie mishegoss.

-What?
-Mishegoss.

It means crap.

No. No, I mean,
why don't you believe

in Bubby Sophie
like your entire family?

Oh, you think I'm gonna
make
a life-altering decision

based on some woman
I never even met

that comes to you in a dream?

What am I, nuts?

Now, if Barbara had
come
to you in a dream...

[SHUDDERS]

Oh. Don't do Funny Girl, sir.

Barbara's so obvious.

Do Fiddler instead.

[NILES SCOFFS]

Sir, I said the whole dream
idea
was a ridiculous.

Stop underestimating
Miss Fine's
intelligence

and be honest with
her
for a change.

Tell her how you feel.

Oh, my God. That's the thing.

You told her how you felt
and then you took it back.

Oh, no.
You'd never be that
stupid.

-Hi, Mr. Sheffield.
-Oh, there you are, Miss Fine.

Where have you been?
Hanging with the hip crowd?

No, visiting Yetta.

I was with
the hip-replacement
crowd.

But you know, she told
me
not to be so quick

to blow off your
dream
about Bubby Sophie.

She said that it was a sign

that I wasn't meant
to be in the
limelight,

and, you know,
the kids need me, you need
me.

For the kids. Calm down.

So I told Rosie that this week
was gonna be my last show.

Oh! Oh, well,
that's your
decision.

And that's why I have
an office and you clean it.

-Got fired?
-Yeah.

Wait till you
see
my replacement.

They got this retired
couple
from Florida

doing cheapo restaurant
reviews.
[SCOFFS]

-MAN:It's $10.95
for a full dinner.
-ROSIE:Yeah.

-Includes salad,
soup, dessert, coffee.
-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

-And then if you go
with four people--
-Yeah.

-You get one free.
-You get one dinner free.

[STUDIO AUDIENCE
LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

Can you believe they bumped me
for these two characters?

Please.
My parents could do
better.

Here's the sketch, boss.

I gotta get ready
for my dream date.

With who?

Well, I don't know.

I have to fall asleep first.

-Laura.
-[WEEPING] Sal.

Hi, hon. I'm nearly done.

Oh, darling,
I hope you're not
upset,

but I did something
I wasn't supposed to.

Aw, honey, it couldn't
have been that bad.

What'd you do?

I pushed our beds together.

Come on. Let's go home.

Oh, no.

You're not going anywhere.

Alan wants to know
what the thing is.

[CRYING]
Oh, my!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]