All language subtitles for Call Me Claus 2001 720p WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-alfaHD

¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶

¶ Gifts I'm preparin'
for some Christmas sharin' ¶

¶ But I pause because ¶

¶ Hanging my stocking
I can hear a knocking ¶

¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶

¶ Sure is dark out
Not the slightest spark out ¶

¶ Pardon my slackened jaw ¶

¶ Who there, who is it
stoppin' for a visit ¶

¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶

¶ Are you bringin'
a present for me ¶

¶ Something pleasantly pleasant
for me ¶

¶ That's what I've been
waitin' for ¶

¶ Would you mind slippin' it
under the door ¶

¶ Four winds a-howlin'
Maybe there'd be growlin' ¶

¶ My legs feel like straw ¶

¶ Oh, my, my, me, my
Kindly, would you reply ¶

¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶

Yeah!

¶ Oh, hanging my stocking
I can hear a knocking ¶

¶ Is that you
Santa Claus ¶

¶ Yeah, I say now
Hey there, who is it ¶

¶ Stoppin' for a visit ¶

Perfect. Mama! Come see!
¶ Is that you, Santa Claus ¶¶

Lucy, where are you?
Lucy, we gotta get a move on.

Someone you really want to see
is coming to the Five and Dime.

Is it Daddy, Mama?

Well, almost as good.

Well, then I hope
it's James Brown.

All right. Here we go.

So that's one
G.I. Joe action set.

We won't forget.
Merry Christmas, young fella.

Right on, Santa!

Right.

Little girl,
welcome to Santa's Village.

Hello. What's your name,
young lady?

Well, my grams calls me Frankie,
'cause everybody wanted a boy...

and they were really surprised
when I wasn't.

Whenever I'm in really big trouble with my mama,
it's Lucille Francis Cullins.

Then I know I'm in really big trouble,
because she never uses my full name.

- You can call me whatever you like.
- Thank you.

I think I'll just call you Lucy.
What do you want for Christmas?

Well, I want an Easy-Bake Oven and a Tressie doll.

Her hair pulls out when you push her stomach.
Oh, yeah.

And something for my brother Dwayne,
and a nice dress like that one over there,

it'd be fine for Mama,
'cause we can't afford it.

What I really want is
for my daddy to come home.

Oh! Well,
where is your daddy?

Vietnam.

How would you like
a nice dolly?

Lucy, can I let you
into a little secret?

Even if your daddy can't
be with you in person,

do you know how you can have him with you all the time?
No. How?

As long as he's
right here,

in your thoughts,
in your dreams,

he'll be
with you always.

As long as you have someone that you love on the inside,

you get to know how to live on the outside.
The outside.

Yes, but I'd rather have my daddy.
You can do it, can't you, Santa?

Santa can do anything.

My friend Bobby over there double-dog dared
me two bars of Bonamo's Turkish Taffy...

to ask you if I could
put on your hat.

No, no, no.
You can't put on Santa's hat.

Well, we can't have Lucy backing down from a double-dog dare, now,
can we?

Heh heh!

Jumping jingle bells!
It's glowing!

My--

Thanks, Santa.
I gotta go.

Oh-- Merry Christmas, Santa.

This one...
is going in the book.

Merry Christmas, Lucy.

I bet Santa loves his job.

Making kids happy on Christmas would
be the coolest job in the whole world.

He let me put on his hat.
Did you see that, Mama?

Oh! Did you see how I looked?
He gets to fly in a sleigh.

He sees Rudolph all the time.
He's just the nicest man in the whole world.

Wait here, Lucy.

Ma'am, are you Mrs Dwayne Cullins?
Yes, I am.

On behalf of a grateful nation,
I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Oh, no. Please, no.

- We're certainly sorry.
- Mama, what is it? What's wrong?

It's Daddy.

I'm afraid he really is
coming home for Christmas.

¶ I can hear
the angels singing ¶

¶ I can hear
the angels singing ¶

¶ I can hear
the angels singing ¶

¶ Bless my soul ¶

Hey, Southern California.

What's with this warm weather, folks?
Eighty-two degrees on December 1?

If we keep this up,
we're on track for the hottest L.A. Christmas on record.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!
Come on now! Come on now!

450,000 miles is no reason to crap out on me now!
Come on!

Hey, fool!
Don't you see what that says?

What? Okay, calm down.
Don't get out of your car. I will hurt you.

How long do you think it took me
to get that sign, fool?

Oh, Miss Cullins.
The casting director wanted me to remind you...

that the Kristmas Korner auditions will be this morning...

in your office.
Yes, I'm thrilled about it. I can't wait.

Give me strength.
Shop-A-Lot channel. Good buys. Hello?

Hey, Lucy. Big day. Fun day.
You ready to see the Christmas set?

Where is my vanilla latte? Here I am!
The espresso machine broke down, Luce.

I had to go down the street
to get this.

You know, I gotta have my morning latte,
or I get really, really crabby.

Oh. You're welcome.

Isn't it great?

It redresses for the other holiday shows.
No fuss, no muss.

Lose the tree!

Drop the menorah!

Easy, easy!

Okay, we're hot! I hate everything about it.
Other than that, it's perfect.

Watch this.

- Oh!
- We're consistent. We exploit all religions.

So I'm up at the North Pole,
bumpin' uglies with the missus,

when all of a sudden she remembers,
we forgot to flock the tree.

So I grab my trusty can of Frosty Flock and bada-bing, bada-boom!

I do the deed.
You know what I mean?

Interesting choice.
I never saw Santa as Teamster before.

Did I need to see that
this early in the morning?

Get-- Next. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Next.

- Ho ho ho! Ha ha ha!
- Next.

Next!

- Merry Christmas.
- Next.

Thank you very much.

Next. Next!

All right. Thank you very much.
Okay, thank you. Next.

Next. Great. Thanks very much.
Next! Thank you very much. Next!

Next. Next. Next.

Next. Next.

Lucy Cullins!
Just the woman I wanted to see.

How's the best little producer in the home-shopping biz?
Hi, Cameron.

So have you found
my Santa Claus yet?

No, but if you need someone's knees broken,
we've got just the guy--

although I do think Miss December might be a callback.

Well, I'm not the least bit worried,
even if we do go on the air in 24 hours,

and the holidays are
our biggest cash cow.

If anyone can fake a warm,
fuzzy Christmas and make those couch potatoes cough up their bucks,

it's you, Lucy.
And how.

Now, I know how much
you hate the holidays,

but this is our year
to knock off QVC...

as king of Christmas
home shopping.

If you can help me do that,
the minute we wrap Christmas Eve,

I will put you on an aeroplane that will take
you as far away from here as you want to go.

- Bora Bora?
- Anywhere you want.

Two cabana boys,
lots of lotion.

If you play your cards right,
maybe I'll go with you.

Now, you know the only cards
I play are solitaire.

She wants me, Tyler.
Oh, how she wants me.

It's Taylor.
Whatever.

Hey, old timer.

I've got a North Polar sausage here.
It's got your name on it.

You leave me alone!

Now you do the right thing, Pops.
Armageddon is comin'. The clock is tickin'.

"'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the house...

not a creature was stirring,"
because they were all dead!

All right!
Summon the Inquisition.

But we must be
inconspicuous.

Don't worry.
I'm way ahead of you on this one.

Could've picked a place
with a bit more atmosphere.

You said "blend in," boss.
I think six guys in lederhosen would've stuck out at Hooter's.

Get on with it.

This is an official elf intervention.
I know, I know.

Here.

"We, the board of directors...

"of the Worldwide Christmas Corporation,
hereby charge one St Nicholas, A.K.A. Nick,

with wilful failure to abide by the terms of his employment contract."

Now just you wait a moment!
Just because I have been methodical,

Procrastinating!
Careful and orderly in my last duties,

there is no reason for maligning my entire term in office.

You have to face it, Nick. You have been a slacker.
I have been no such thing!

You know the rules.
Yes, I know the rules.

Every 200 years, a new Santa
has to be recruited and trained.

You're supposed to be ready
to make the switch...

by midnight,
this Christmas Eve, or--

Or the "or else" factor
kicks in.

You do remember that little item in the
fine print about the end of the world...

because of
the North Pole melting.

- The Waterworld clause.
- Did that slip your mind?

Oh, it has not
slipped my mind.

It's not just
my love of Christmas.

My dilemma is who.

There is no name on our list that has those
very special qualities we're looking for.

There is... one other name.

Now, Ralph, you know as well
as I do that there's a reason...

why her name is last
on the list.

And you have four weeks
to make her number one,

or we're going to be cutting up your workshop to make little lifeboats.

Shop-A-Lot
channel. Good buys. Hello?

Hey, where have you been?
You're late for check-in, you know.

Uh, excuse me--
Hey! Nice beard.

Looks almost real.

Thank you.
Um, I'm looking for Miss Lucy Cullins.

Fill this out and go with
the other Santas...

and wait until
you're called.

Shop-A-Lot channel.
Good buys. Hello?

I saw the best elves of my generation destroyed by madness,

dragging themselves through the angry yuppie streets at midnight...

looking for a fix
of Christmas glee:

an eggnog spiked
with the screams...

of a million
unhappy children.

Mm-hmm.
It's part of a one-act play I've written.

I call it Kafka Claus.

- Kafka Claus?
- Yes.

What kind of lame-ass audition
was that?

- Yeah, fine. Okay.
- What was that?

Fine. I know when my gifts
are not appreciated.

Appreciated?
Get yo' ass outta here!

- What are you tryin' to say?
- I'm sayin' get out!

I've auditioned
for off-off-Broadway!

- Don't make me come over there!
- You don't scare me!

- Don't make me-- Just--
- How about a change of scenery?

Why are you bringing these people to me?
Come on.

- What's the matter with you? Crazy.
- Just relax, okay?

Oh. Here's Her Majesty.
What, what?

Oh, yes!

Yes, I'd recognize
her anywhere.

Oh, this is cute.
The next guy on the list put down St Nicholas as his real name.

Actually, that's only one
of my many names.

In Mexico,
they call me Papa Noel.

In Holland, they call me Kris Kringle.
Germany, Weinachtsman.

Even in Siberia I've got a name.
They call me Father Ice.

Great.
Another Froot Loop.

But my friends
all call me Nick.

Lucy, it's wonderful to see you again after all these years.

I'm sorry. I don't know who you think I am,
but I don't know you at all.

I was hoping you'd remember me.
Well, I don't.

So if you're here to audition,
I suggest we get on with it, okay?

Audition?
Yeah.

See, you want a job,
you need to make people buy this crap.

If you can do that and you don't piss her off,
she might hire you to play Santa Claus...

for the next four weeks on her television show,
Four weeks?

So you're auditioning.
Where do I stand?

Right this way, Mr. Claus.
Right over here.

Hey, Jake. Put this up on the monitor for us,
will ya? You got it.

Why don't you just ad-lib with one of the products on the set?

Ad-lib?
- Improvise. Make it up as you go. Lenny, give me something.

Ad-lib, huh? Yeah. Here you go.
Just talk right into the camera.

Whenever you're ready,
you go ahead.

Whenever you're ready.

Oh ho! Well, everybody,

welcome to Kristmas Korner.

Christmas spelled with a "K"?
That's going to take a bit of getting used to.

I've been spelling it with a "C"
for the past 200 years.

So let's get down
the business--

Of course, Santa would never
endorse the use of tobacco.

But I guess this little lighter would come in
handy for lighting the candles on Christmas Eve.

Nick, it's not a lighter.
It's a sock warmer.

A sock warmer? Ha ha!

Jumping jingle bells. How about that?
What an ingenious little gift idea.

I think I'm gonna buy one
for each of my boots.

You have no idea how chilly
it gets on your toes--

Lucy, where did you get him?
He is terrific.

He is a natural.
The public is going to eat him up.

Makes me want to buy
one of those sock warmers.

I don't even wear socks.
Book him, Danno. Terrific!

- Thank you.
- All right, Santa. You're hired.

Way to go, Nick.
Congratulations.

I just can't believe
I passed your test, Lucy.

Ah! Jumping jingle bells.
Okay, let's start with that.

What? The "jumping jingle bell" thing?
It's really annoying.

Secondly, I don't have a test.
You passed my boss' test.

I can't wait to get to know you better, Lucy.
You know what?

I don't think we are gonna get to know each other better.

The last person I want in my life is Santa Claus.
Excuse me.

Cameron, you know I would never
turn down a free meal,

but this is $50 a plate at a sushi joint
when we could've had a 50-cent hot dog.

What am I doing here?
Ah!

You know how I've been looking for just
the right item to fill our final product slot?

Yeah.

I've been keeping it
under wraps,

because I didn't want the people at Home
Shopping Network to steal it out from under us.

But I think it's gonna
be big-- very big.

Lucky number 13.
Say hello to the little fella...

that's going to help us kick Home Shopping butt this Christmas.

We put these on TV,
every kid in America's gonna want one.

Cameron, I have never
complained, ever,

about the crap that we sell on our network.

We all know it's crap.
If people wanna buy crap, they can buy crap.

But this-- this is the crappiest crap you have ever come up with.

Okay. Talk to me.

You have crapped out on this.
Pay the cheque.

Uh, Lucy,
the-- Check, please. Oy!

So all the words I'm supposed to be saying appear on this little screen?

Uh-huh. Oh ho!
That's absolutely ingenious.

One of these would come in very handy next time I have to speak...

at the Elves Hall
of Fame Banquet.

You really like staying in character,
don't you?

In character?
Yeah, just being Santa all the time.

Ah, not all the time,
sadly. Only 200 years.

Oh, well.
Whatever floats your boat.

Hmm? You got my vote.
Excuse me, Nick.

My queen awaits.
Okay.

Hey, Luce. Hey.
What don't I need to know?

Let's see-- The vending machines have Little Debbies,

our interpreter translating the seven
principles of Kwanzaa from Swahili...

quit for a gig at the U.N....
That's amusing.

And your brother Dwayne and his daughter have
been waiting in your office for over an hour.

Mm-hmm.

Morning, Lucy.

Who's this stranger in my office?
Somebody in security's gonna lose their job.

- You know who I am, Aunt Lucy.
- Iesha, is that you?

Ah! Iesha, give me a hug.
I didn't even recognize you, girl!

Look, you brought a big,
old ugly man with ya.

What a surprise, baby brother.
Mm-wah!

You know good and well
this is no surprise, Lucy.

You never return any of our phone calls at Christmastime.

- Daddy's right. But guess what.
- What?

I'm singing a solo at
the church on Christmas Eve.

You've gotta get your butt
over there to support me.

That is such a low blow.
Bringing my own niece here to work my conscience.

- If you had a conscience--
- I will do my best to get there, okay?

But it's quite possible that
I may be going to Bora Bora,

because the company
I'm working for is expanding.

And what I really need
you both to help me with...

is a present for Ma.

Right.
Now who's playin' who?

I am not playing you!
I do need your help.

Should I give her cold, hard cash,
or should I give her a Shop-A-Lot gift certificate?

Lucy, stop it.
I mean, that is pathetic.

Hindus give better
Christmas presents.

Come on, angel.
Say goodbye to Aunt Lucy.

- She's busy.
- Bye, Aunt Lucy.

You don't know anything about the Hindu people.
They don't even celebrate Christmas.

I know you're gonna be there,
Aunt Lucy.

Hello. You must be Iesha.
How do you know that?

Well, I wouldn't be a very good Santa Claus if I didn't know your name,
would I?

Bye, Santa.
Bye.

Bye, honey.

Bye, Iesha.
Bye, Santa.

Bye.

Don't you have somewhere else
to be? Like wardrobe?

Wardrobe? Oh, no, no.
I have my own Santa suit, thank you.

Well, how about hair
and make-up then?

Get the rosy cheeks
and cherry nose thing going on.

Lucy--
Excuse me.

Attention, ladies and gentlemen...
and kiddies.

Once we get on the air tomorrow,
this won't be Shop-A-Lot.

This will be
"work till you drop a lot."

That's clever wordplay, people.
Always laugh at the boss' clever wordplay.

Now that's funny.

Anyway, we're gonna be working awfully hard together.
We won't have much time to celebrate.

So tonight is on me.

Yes, thank you.

Before we pop the cork,

it is my great pleasure
to introduce to you...

the man of our season...

our very own
Shop-A-Lot Santa Claus!

The camera. Smile.

The food's good.

We're next.

Hello.
Santa, this is my brother Jeff.

Hello, Jeff.
Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
Thank you very much.

Now, what's your favourite thing
about Christmas?

I like to give
my sister a present.

That's my sister. She's my buddy.
- Yeah?

You're gonna give her
a present?

So... you want something rather special this Christmas,
don't you?

Mm-hmm.

I think I know what it is.
Can I whisper?

How do you know my secret?
'Cause I'm Santa. Remember?

Yeah! You really are!
I really am!

Mm-hmm!
I love you, Santa.

I love you, too, Jeff.

Oh, you're a wonderful boy,
eh?

Over here, Santa.
Look this way.

There you are.
Do you want a present? Yeah.

Thank you.
Everybody gets a present from Santa.

Good night, Lucy.
Oh.

It's you.

Listen, thank you for what you did tonight.
It was very nice,

especially for
that kid Jeff.

Oh, Jeff taught me far,
far more than I taught him.

He reminded me that sometimes it's the most
innocent among us who enjoy Christmas the best.

Well, you didn't have to do it,
it's not in your contract and you're not getting extra money.

Well, actually,
I have another contract which sort of requires it.

That's right,
'cause you are Santa Claus.

Lucy, I think the world
still needs what I stand for.

If people stop believing in Santa,
if all they see is a funny old man in a red suit,

then maybe they'll stop believing in things like kindness, generosity--

You know, you don't have to do all this right now.
You ain't on television.

Lucy, your daddy would be so sad to see you like this.

My daddy?

You don't know anything
about my daddy.

Don't you remember me?

Hmm?
All those years ago at the Five and Dime store when you were just--

Look, old man,
let me tell you something.

I don't know who you've been talking to about me,
but you better stop.

My personal life
is none of your business.

Okay?

Tick-tock, Nick.
Tick-tock.

Here you go.
Oh, thanks a lot.

Hey, Nick.
It's all about red lights. Hmm?

When a red light is on,
that's the camera you want to make love to.

You know, in a "peace on earth,
good will toward men" sort of way.

I think I understand.
Thank you, thank you. All right.

Where is my vanilla latte?

Why is it, after all this time,
I'm still begging for a vanilla latte?

Why am I latte-free? Sorry, Luce.
I had to take Cameron's dog to the groomer.

What does this have to do
with me having no latte?

Nothing.

You're welcome.

Okay. Let's sell the hell
out of Christmas, people.

In five, four,

three, two, cue jingle.

¶ Fa la la, fa la la
fa la la la ¶

¶ Merry Christmas ¶

¶ And a happy new year ¶¶

Happy holidays, everyone.
I'm your host, you know.

Welcome to a brand new season
of Kristmas Korner.

My elves here at Shop-A-Lot
have been working overtime...

to bring you the most exciting line-up of holiday merchandise...

you've ever seen.

Let's have a look at one
of the gifts. Huh?

A "12 Days of Christmas"
musical necktie.

Isn't that... handsome?
Huh?

Don't you agree?

¶¶ Push a button and out comes a favourite Christmas tune.

It's $15.95,
plus shipping and handling.

When the song hits
"ten lords a-leaping"--

Oh, he's a good one.

Grandma, that's the Santa I saw
at Aunt Lucy's I told you about.

He looks kinda familiar.

Almost like that one
years ago that-- No.

And what could be
more festive than--

No more eggnog for me.

So let's see what new item
we have on the agenda.

Oh, my goodness me.
Huh!

I don't think this was made
in Santa's workshop.

I can feel my rosy red cheeks
gettin' even rosier.

Santa doesn't normally stock adult items in his-- Now, mind you--

Is he ad-libbing?

I remember once in the '80s--
1888, I think it was.

We got this mischievous elf.
He brought in cancan dancers. Oh-- Is he--

Oh, no, no, no.
No ad-libbing on my show.

Taylor, get him back on prompter.
There were dolls in my sack.

Nick! Nick!

What? I'm sorry.
The prompter!

Ladies, now you imagine
your husband coming home...

to find you attired in this little number made of the very best silk.

In comes in petite size one
to huggable size 22.

Twenty-two?
I guess I might put one of these away for Mrs Claus!

Hmm?

Shop-A-Lot channel, your one-stop, nonstop,
shop-till-you-drop shop.

Excuse me. Please hold.
Shop-A-Lot channel.

Yes, ma'am.
A dozen musical neckties.

Yes, we love our Santa too.
Please hold.

Shop-A-Lot channel.
Si, senor. Feliz Navidad.

¿ Que desea usted? Ah, si,
muchas gracias. Please hold.

Shop-A-Lot channel.
The candy-cane negligee?

No, sir, I'm afraid it does not come in men's sizes.
Please hold.

...when it's all over.
- Lucy!

I've been watching from
my office. He is gold!

What's next? What's next?
I think number 13.

Lucky number 13. Ah!

The next item is
an authentic recreation...

of yours truly,
as you can see,

with a price tag of $29.95.

That's very expensive.
There must be something special about this guy.

With one pull of his arm,

there's a lot more to
this fellow than meets the eye.

- Ho ho ho! You hit the jackpot!
- Bingo.

Jackpot Claus.
Jackpot! Jackpot!

- Uh-oh.
- Look, I-I-I can't sell this.

- Lucy? What's he doing?
- Yes. He's ad-libbing again.

I can't-- I won't sell it. No.
Look, Taylor, I can't do this.

All right. This is bad.
This is officially bad.

I did tell you that that doll was crap.
You--

You're the one that hired this nut case!
Yes! I'm the--

- I can't induce children to--
- Fix it! I'm going to telemarketing.

You had better hope that the lines haven't gone cold.
Get rid of him!

Get rid of him! All right.
Let's go to an infomercial.

I don't care which one
you put up. Anything.

- Get him off the air.
- Isn't there another product--

Okay, let's roll VTR-2.

Howdy. Say hello to the Fishin' Ambition,
the all-in-one tool that--

- Nick, Nick--
- What is going on down here?

Have you lost your mind?
We have TelePrompTers for him to read.

Why isn't anybody helping him?
What the hell are you doing? Sorry, Lucy.

It's just that that mechanical doll-- Do you realize...

it's not your job to decide what we do and do not sell on this show?

No! But I can't
in all conscience ask--

You know what?
Let me fix this for you, okay? You're fired.

What?
You're fired.

Okay? Taylor,
get him off my set.

Lucy.

Where is he?
Where's Nick?

I want to kiss him
on his rosy, red cheek.

The phones are going nuts.
America loves our Santa Claus...

and so do I.

That old man did a quarter-million
dollars in his first 20 minutes on the air.

I'll be right back.

Where's she going?
Probably to look for Nick.

Santa Claus has
left the building.

There you go. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

Excuse me.
You haven't seen and old guy lookin' like Santa go past you, have ya?

What am I? Chopped liver?
No, but I'm asking you--

There's one that went just past me.
Hey, Nick! Nick!

Hey, Nick! Nick!
Nick!

Oh, not Nick. Sorry.

Nothing. Nothing.

Here's his audition sheet,
but I don't think it's gonna do much good.

Why not?
He put down his address as the North Pole.

Oh, great. He's delusional. Check all the bars,
check all the mental hospitals. Go.

Wait a minute. Why me? Why you?
It's your fault I fired him.

How is it my fault?
It's your fault because this is television,

and that's the way we do things.
Oh, makes sense. Sure.

¶ Happy little Christmas and a very good new year Uh-huh ¶¶

Where's the beer, sweetheart?

Keep your pants on, Paulie.
Hey, doll face, come on.

Why don't you come up to the North Pole and see my place?

Or better still,
come up to my place and check out the North Pole.

That's quite enough of that,
you lecherous boor! Oh!

If it isn't the old geezer who stole my job at the Shop-A-Lot channel.

If you're gonna
wear that hat,

you're gonna have to stop behaving
like some hormone-crazed schoolboy.

What are you gonna do about it, Pop?
Pop out your choppers and gum me to death?

No, I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
Prepare to defend yourself.

Why don't you have a drink?
This one is on me.

Excuse His Majesty.
His crown is in a knot.

If he don't watch out,
he's gonna wind up with his nose in a knot.

Please, let's go.

What were you thinking of?
Trying to save your Christmas cookies.

I'd have had that barfly without breaking a sweat.
That's what I'm worried about.

Sit down.
I need to show you something. Now.

The Gunnbjorn glacier
in Greenland.

Soon to be
the Gunnbjorn ice cube.

The "or else" factor.
It's begun.

We're running out of time.

Merry Christmas!

Ah, maybe people don't need Christmas any more.
Merry Christmas, young man.

Yeah, whatever.
You see what I mean?

Look what I've been
driven to--

selling the night of Christmas as though it were some cheap souvenir.

I can't even do that any more.
She's fired me. With all due respect,

I'm not gonna stand here and watch you throw
everything away and give yourself a pity party,

especially when I don't
know how to dog paddle!

Well, you're so smart.
You tell me how to do it.

I think we're looking at a repressed memory
with a touch of the untransacted inner child,

along with some transference
of holiday and familial issues.

No wonder I'm losing weight.
You know what you need, boss?

What?
You need a nice Christmas booster shot.

It'd better be good.

¶ Go tell it on the mountain ¶

¶ Over the hills
and everywhere ¶

¶ Uh-huh Yeah,
yeah ¶ ¶ Go tell it ¶

¶ On the mountain
that Jesus Christ was ¶

¶ Born ¶

¶ I said
Down in a lonely manger ¶

¶ The humble Christ
was born ¶

¶ God sent us
his salvation ¶

¶ That blessed
their Christmas morn ¶

¶ Go tell it ¶
¶ Go tell it ¶

¶ Yeah, yeah ¶
¶ On the mountain ¶

¶ On the mountain ¶
¶ Over the hills and ¶

¶ Everywhere ¶
¶ Everywhere ¶

I can't give up now.

This is what Christmas
is all about, isn't it?

¶ Born ¶
¶ Born ¶

- ¶ Go tell it, go tell it ¶
- ¶ Yeah ¶

¶ Yeah ¶ I've got to get Lucy to see that.

¶ Mountain ¶
¶ Go tell it ¶

¶ Tell it on the mountain
Yeah ¶¶

Yeah! All right!
Yes! Hallelujah!

You know how much trouble
you are gonna be in, Taylor,

if you don't find
that old man?

Hold on.
Somebody's at the door.

Well? Well, what? I'm talking to Taylor.
We haven't found him.

Listen-- No, Cameron just arrived,
which means that life is gonna get hard for you.

You tell Taylor if he doesn't track Nick down,
he's fired.

Tell him his whole family is fired too.
Hold on. His family doesn't work for you.

Then I'll hire them,
then I'll fire them. Give me that.

Taylor. All right.
Here's the deal.

If you find Nick,
I will give you your own office--

even bigger than Lucy's.

Yes! Well, just keep looking.
We go on the air in 12 hours.

Yes, I have to find that old son of a-- Nick!

Hello, Mr. Dixon.
Ha!

Taylor, about that office?
Never mind.

Nick, we are so happy to see you.
Thank you.

I want to apologize for that little...
misunderstanding we had.

Oh, you mean me being fired.
Fired? Tha-- Fired?

Ha ha! Is that what you
thought Lucy said? Fired?

No, no, no. What she meant was "fired up."
Fired up, Nick.

Yes, we're fired up
by your performance.

America wants you back,
Nick, and so do we.

As a matter of fact,
I'm going to double your salary.

What?
Oh, no, no, no.

All right, triple.
Oh! Oh!

And I'm going to put you up in L.A.'s finest accommodations.

Ho ho! Where?
Here.

- Here?
- Here. - Here.

That way Lucy can show you
all the hospitality...

that a real Santa Claus
like you deserves.

- I'm-- I--
- Plus... you don't get lost again.

Oh, well, I think that's just
a great idea. I'd love it,

if it's okay with Lucy.

Hey, sure.

Ahh! My Santa. My Lucy.

The only thing that would
make this moment any sweeter...

would be the actual smell
of money.

Ohh!

I'll leave you two.

Ah!

Don't think you're gonna get into my bed tonight.
Oh, Lucy, please.

Don't "Lucy, please" me.
I know you have some sort of voodoo that makes people buy stuff.

Now, Lucy.
What?

We have far more important things to discuss.
Like?

I haven't been totally honest with you.
What do you mean?

I have been watching you for many years
now-- ever since you were a little girl, in fact.

What? Ooh!
Hm.

Ooh! That is-- No, that's-- Ooh!
Lucy. Lucy.

My name really is St Nicholas.
I really am Santa Claus.

That makes me feel better to know your
name is Santa Claus and you're a stalker!

What are you doing?
Wait.

Lucy...

look.

Whoa! Whoa! Oh ho!
That is so cool!

Do you know how much money we could make with those?
What? Lucy!

I didn't want to have to do this,
but you have obliged me to.

- Close your eyes.
- No.

- Close your eyes.
- I have mace in my pocket.

Close... your... eyes!

And that one.

And the other one!

Both!

It's dark in here.

If I had a pair of ruby slippers I could click myself some place really cool.

Open your eyes, Lucy.

Hello, Lucy.

I'm Ralph,
chief assistant to Santa Claus.

- Welcome to the North Pole.
- Hi!

Ooh!

I had the strangest dream.

I dreamt I woke up and I was surrounded by Munchkins, and--

Oh! Oh! Oh!
This is not funny any more.

This is not real, this is not real,
this is not real--

Open!
Okay, it is real.

It's getting realer 'cause my feet are cold-- I'm gonna get frostbite--

Why?

Oh, maybe it's because
we're on a glacier!

It's not a glacier, Lucy.
It's the polar ice cap.

Duh!
Why didn't I know that?

Perhaps you can tell me
why I'm not at my house?

Why I'm surrounded by goblins.

Goblins?

Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Okay.

- We're elves.
- All right! Cool!

I mean--
What's the difference?

Goblins are bad seeds.

They're what happened when gnomes and leprechauns get drunk...

on a beach,
at night.

When leprechauns and gnomes get drunk on the beach at night?

- Yes, that's right.
- Oh, I see. You're such a fount of information.

You don't, sort of, fit
the elf mode, if you will.

- What's your problem?
- Pituitary case.

Oh! Pituitary case.

Lucy, it's what I've been
trying to tell you.

You know, I can understand it's all overwhelming,
but it's all true!

Everything that you've ever
heard about Santa is true.

- Okay, where is Rudolph?
- Take another look out the window.

So the Rudolph thing is together.
I got tha-- Oh!

Mrs Claus?
- Yes, I want you to meet Helga, Lucy.

She'd love to say hello,
but she only speaks Norwegian.

Me too!

Boss, we are on a schedule,
so can we push this... along?

Lucy, would you like
to see my workshop?

Yes! I don't suppose you'd take "no" for an answer,
would ya?

Wow!

Oh! When you said workshop,
I thought it was gonna be some little guy...

you know,
with lots of tools!

You know,
it's gonna be kinda hard to say goodbye to all this.

What do you mean,
"goodbye"?

Yeah, I'll come
to that later.

Right now I want to show you something.
Come with me.

Evening, Santa.
Merry Christmas!

Wow!
Yeah.

Is this it?
This is it.

This is the sleigh?

This is the sleigh. Yeah.
Ooh! Can I touch it?

You want to climb on board?
May I?

Here we are.
Wow!

Ho, ho, ho!

Look at me "ho"-ing.

Wow!
Oh, my God!

Look at the sound system.
Oh, this is really phat.

This has an
impulse-activated amplifier.

It puts out about a thousand kilowatts per channel.

There are seven speakers,
and a really bitchin' powered subwoofer.

In case you want to listen
to Christmas carols.

Oh!
Well, that's-- That's phat!

Wow! Oh, wait! I gotta ask this question, because...
you know, I'm here.

How do you guys deliver a gazillion Christmas presents all in one night?

Lucy, do you know anything
about quantum mechanics...

or the theory of relativity,
or the space/time continuum?

- N-No.
- Well, we go fast!

We go really fast!

Now, I have
one more question.

Let's say I believe
that you are Santa Claus.

What does this
have to do with me?

Ah, Ralph,
would you and the boys excuse us for a moment, please?

Yeah. Sure, boss.

Okay, people,
eggnog break!

All right!
And hit the house lights when you go out.

Thank you.

Lucy, as you know, I have been Santa for...
very nearly 200 years.

But that's only
the half of it.

The Santa before me
also served for 200 years.

As did the Santa before him,
and so on...

right back to the original
St Nicholas in the 3rd century.

Right.
Now, sadly,

my term of office
is drawing to a close.

And the rules of Christmas
decree...

that I have to find somebody
to take my place...

before midnight
on Christmas Eve.

And if I don't,

the "or else" factor
takes effect.

The "or else" factor?

Well, you've heard about the great flood,
and Noah's ark?

Yeah. This time,
there's no ark.

Oh, get outta here!
I know you are not trying to convince me...

that that flood happened because you couldn't find a Santa Claus!

Not that I'm puttin' it
down or anything, but-but...

but you don't have to worry about it,
because you're looking for a new Santa, right?

Right.
And you've come to me...

because you want me to help you find one,
because I know so many people!

So what do you
want me to do?

Close your eyes
and I'll show you.

This eye-closing thing's
getting a little old, Nick.

Open your eyes, Lucy.

Look closely.

What do you see?

Is that my mother?

My goodness!

And that's me!

Look at me!

I was cute!

Look at my brother.
I used to call him "Ol' Bighead."

My goodness!
It's the Five and Dime!

There's that nasty kid Bobby with his finger in his nose,
as always.

What are we doing here?

This is what
I wanted to show you.

What I need you
to remember.

...backing down from a double-dog dare,
can we?

There we are!

That hat only glows...

when it's worn by somebody
who believes in Christmas...

with every fibre
of their being.

It's you, Lucy.

Take it, Lucy.
You're the one I've been waiting for.

No!

Lucy, I know you blame me,
but please, I promise you,

everything will become clear if you just put this on.
No. No!

Just give it a chance!
I don't want it! I don't--

No! What do you get about "no"?
But--

I don't want the hat!
I don't want the responsibil--

You know what I want?
I want you to take me home.

I want you to take me to my life;
to my real life, right now.

That's what I want.

If that's really what you want.

Close your eyes,

and everything
that you've seen--

all this--

will have just
been a dream.

Whoa.

Oh!

I must have dozed off
or something.

Had the weirdest dream.
I dreamt that you were trying to convince me...

you were the real
Santa Claus.

Do you think we ought to talk about it, Lucy?
No! Nah!

Now, come on, please. Just-- No, no,
I've had enough Santa Claus...

to last me a lifetime;
I'm going to bed.

Good night!
Listen, if you get chilly, there's, uh,

you know, pillows
and blankets and stuff.

They're under the stairs
here in the closet.

Hey, boss. Pardon my goblin,
but why didn't you just put the hat on her?

I can't force her
to accept her destiny.

If she won't acknowledge who she is,
it wouldn't matter anyway.

The Inquisition was right to challenge my affections, I-I--

I bungled the whole thing
from beginning to end.

I waited far too long to try to reach her,
and now that I have,

I've driven her
further away.

So, what are you
gonna do now?

Well, I... just...

don't know.

Better break out
the sun block today, L.A.

We're expecting a high of 92.
And if you think it's bad here,

scientists are now predicting no snowfall anywhere
in the U.S. during the month of December.

Imagine that!

Whoa!
You look like sh-- ...Sheena, lovely Queen of the Nile!

Got no sleep last night,
and I hate having house guests.

Well, your house guest is
quite the toast of the town.

All the papers were talking
about him this morning.

One even called him
"TV's must-see Santa."

Where's that girl with my latte?
Why is she never around when I need her?

- Her name is Lillie!
- Fine.

And my car broke down!
God.

I don't get why you're still driving that bucket of bolts, Lucy.

Because it was
her Daddy's car.

Oh! Family reunion! I'll just, uh,
leave you two alone.

Taylor?
Taylor, I-- Talk to you later.

You, okay.
Hi, Ma.

You're not
returnin' my calls.

No, I am.
It's not that I'm not returning your calls, see?

We put in this new phone system-- Come on now.

Don't try to run
a game on me.

Now, I know it's a scary
time of the year for you,

but you can't keep
livin' like this, Lucy.

What?
Well, look at your life.

You live alone
in that apartment,

You come, you go,
without anybody to love or to love you back.

I know, baby.
I've got the same scar as you.

And there's not a Christmas that goes by that it doesn't hurt.

But you know what helps?

What?
Seein' you.

I see your daddy
in you.

You know, I just really
can't do this right now,

because I gotta get down to work.
All right, baby.

But I'll call you, okay?
I'll-- I'll, uh-- All right.

You know, in a day or so,
I'll give you a call. All right.

I'll be waiting.

Folks, one of
my favourite traditions...

is counting down
the days to Christmas.

And now, your family, too,
can enjoy this tradition as well,

with your very own
Wise Men Advent Calendar.

Every day, your kids
will enjoy moving Baby Jesus--

that's Him-- one day closer to His arrival in Bethlehem.

And, Mom, no need to worry
about your little ones...

breaking this
Holiday Collectible.

Baby Jesus is made out of
rugged, durable polystyrene.

Great.
Plastic Jesus.

- That's not too sacrilegious.
- Ah, we seem to be in the final minutes of our show!

- So, that seems to be the last product for today--
- Telephone!

Hmm?
Telephone!

Oh! One moment!

- They want me to take a phone call from one of our viewers.
- No! He's going to the phone.

Excuse me, please.
We're on the show, you know.

Uh, hello?
Hi, Santa.

This is Meredith,
from Dove Canyon, California.

Hello, Meredith. You want to ask Santa a question?
Not that phone, Nick.

Uh, it's coming through the speakers.
Okay?

Look, everybody's
a star now.

I was adopted from Korea
when I was a baby.

I was wondering if the Santa Claus there is Korean.

- Oh, Meredith. That is a wonderful question.
- Taylor?

No! No! Camera!
It reminds me of a poem I--

My good friend B.J. Wrights once wrote about Santa.
It goes something like this:

"Dear girls, dear boys.

"Once a storyteller caught me
bringing you toys.

"The year he spied me
opening my sack,

My skin was white
and my boots were black."

You probably know
how this story goes.

"At the end of the year,
like a Christmas ghost,

"I take the shape
that's needed most.

"Sometimes my skin's red,
or yellow or brown,

"Sometimes my eyes are slanted,
or crossed, or round.

"One time, I was even a she.

"All these things
are a part of me.

"Now you may not believe
all this is true,

but that's okay, because
I believe in you."

And I believe in you, too, Lucy.

You have a wonderful spirit,
which I hope, one day,

you will show to the world.

Did he say something about--
Did he just say my name?

He just said Lucy! Um, no,
I think it was, uh, "little girl."

Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
He said Lucy.

Play that back for me.

I believe in you, too, Meredith.
You have a wonderful spirit,

which one day,
I hope you'll show...

to the rest of the world.

Okay.
Let's just, uh...

call it the onset
of P.M.S., shall we?

Every day?

And we're clear. Okay, it's a wrap, everybody.
Ready for the next segment.

That's the Chanukah music.
Let's go. Good show.

Oy. That was beautiful,
Mr. Santa Claus.

It was gold.
Thank you, rabbi.

I think Hurray for Chanukah is going to have a tough act to follow today.

Well, the way I see it,
we're both working for the same boss.

So, mazel tov.
And ho, ho, ho to you, sir.

Uh, Lucy-- I'm not speaking to you.
No habla Ingles.

¶ Have yourself ¶

¶ A merry little Christmas ¶

Merry Christmas!
¶ Let your heart ¶

¶ Be light ¶

¶ From now on ¶

¶ Our troubles will be ¶

¶ Out of sight ¶

¶ Have yourself ¶

¶ A merry little Christmas ¶

Seven more days to shop.
¶ Make the yuletide gay ¶

¶ From now on ¶

¶ Our troubles will be ¶

¶ Far away ¶

¶ Once again ¶

¶ As in olden days ¶

¶ Happy golden days ¶

¶ Of yore ¶

¶ Faithful friends
Who are dear to us ¶

¶ Gather near to us ¶

¶ Once more ¶

¶ Through the years We all will be together ¶ Got it.
Perfect.

Put it there.
¶ If the fates allow ¶

¶ Paint a shining star ¶

¶ Upon the highest bough ¶

¶ And have yourself ¶

¶ A merry little Christmas ¶

¶ Now ¶ Hi, Luce.
Here's your latte.

Thanks.

You just said thanks.
Yeah, you did. No, I didn't.

No. I didn't.
Yeah. You did.

Is everybody hearing things?
I did not say thank you.

¶ Hang a shining star
upon the highest ¶

¶ Bough ¶

¶ Oo-ooh, ooh ¶

¶ Once again ¶

¶ As in olden days ¶

¶ Happy golden days ¶

¶ Of yore ¶

¶ Faithful friends
Who are dear to us ¶

¶ Gather near to us
Once more ¶

Well, folks,
things continue to be very warm here in Southern California,

but the weather is also
going crazy from pole to pole.

Here we see increasing storms
centred around the equator,

and no explanation has been given by the National Weather Center.

Ralph!
We have a problem.

What are those?
Flood insurance.

I wish I hadn't
seen Titanic.

¶ Highest bough ¶

¶ And have yourself ¶

¶ A merry little ¶

¶ Christmas ¶

¶ Now ¶¶

So, here's a novel idea
for all you naughty shoppers...

who waited until
the last minute:

Now, you can send
a Shop-A-Lot virtual gift.

A "virtual" gift.

Imagine that.

Your loved one will get
a little animated E-mail.

And when they click on it,
it will show them...

a picture of the gift they will be receiving after the holidays.

Well, that's it.
That's the final pitch.

Oh, and don't forget.
When next you call in,

ask about our special
Shop-A-Lot inflatable raft.

Who put the raft
on the list?

He liked it. He saw it in the catalogue.
I threw him a bone.

Before I sign off,
uh,

I'd like to-- just like to say a few words.

If I may.
Um,

whatever hardships
may come your way...

in the years
which lie ahead,

don't ever lose hope.

If you just keep
the spirit of Christmas...

alive in your hearts,
you can survive anything.

Merry Chris--
Christmas.

God bless you.

Goodbye.
And good luck.

Why did he say
good luck?

All right, everyone.
That's a wrap!

One hell of a wrap,
if you ask me.

All right, people.
Gather round.

I have an announcement
to make.

Thanks to the very best Santa Claus in the business,

for the first time
in our history,

Shop-A-Lot has sold
more holiday merchandise...

than any other
home-shopping channel!

And as I'm sure you all know,
that means a little something extra...

in all of our Christmas stockings this year!

It's weird, but I'm
gonna miss all this.

Yeah. I don't know when I've enjoyed sticking
America with more cheesy merchandise...

than I have this sea--
year.

Wow.
Who are you?

Look, I know I'm just
a gofer, but--

If you're not doing anything,
maybe you can help me trim my tree.

That sounds nice.
And possibly kind of nutty.

Ah.
Champagne, Lillie?

Absolutely.

So, Nick. What do you say,
you and I get together after the holidays...

to discuss your future--

I see big things for you
and the Shop-A-Lot Channel.

Well, I appreciate that,
Mr. Dixon, but...

I am afraid that my days as Santa Claus are behind me.

Nonsense. You've got
what it takes, my friend.

For millions of people, you are Santa.
Manny, congratulations!

Looks like you'll get to keep that job after all!

Lucy, I'm--
Nick, I-I'm--

Ladies first.

I know I gave you a hard time in the beginning.

'Cause I didn't believe you were right for Kristmas Korner.

But I was wrong.

I believe in you now.

I wish I could be sure
that was true.

What do you mean?

I really hope you find
what you're looking for.

What is this new sound
you're making?

I work my butt off for you,
and this is how you repay me?

Lucy!
Looks like you're not going anywhere in that classic tonight.

How about a lift?
Sure.

I'll just leave it here till
I come back from Bora Bora.

Well, Luce,
you did it!

Oh! That reminds me.

You leave tomorrow.

Plus, there is something a little extra in that envelope.

Oh, tell me it's cash,
so I have something to give those cute little cabana boys.

Oh, it's better than cash, Lucy.
It's me.

Don't you see?
We need each other.

As individuals,

we're merely good.

But together,
we could be magic!

I don't want to hurt
your feelings, or anything.

But,
I don't love you.

I mean, I don't
love you at all.

Love!
There's better things in the world than love!

Like what?
Power!

Influence.
Having more money than God!

- You shoulda called Oprah.
- I know you. You want the same things that I want.

We want to win. We want to dominate.
We want to be a juggernaut.

I don't have any juggernaut in me.
I don't even have the juggernaut gene.

I've got it all
mapped out, Lucy. First:

I go to
the board of directors...

and get them to make you
my vice-president.

Then, we take the Shop-A-Lot Channel public,

and turn it
into a media empire.

By next year,
we'll rule the world.

By next year,
we'll own Christmas!

Pull over.

What? Is something wrong?

Yes. Uh, yeah.
I-- I don't know why I'm saying this.

'Cause, you know,
this is not my thing, but...

uh... nobody--
nowhere, nohow, nobody--

Nobody can own Christmas.

Why not?

Why not?
Because, I--

I-I can't let them.

You can't let them?

Yeah. I know that
sounds strange...

comin' from me,
but I can't let them.

And if you want to keep
your juggernauts,

I'd suggest
you pull over now.

All right.
All right, all right.

Well, that went
pretty well.

Hi, Ms Cullins, I--

Listen up, people.
Unless someone has a miracle up their sleeve,

it looks like tonight
is gonna be our last hurrah.

So, here's the deal.
We'll do it the way we always have.

Nick will be here shortly,
and we'll start delivering gifts.

The only difference will be,
after Nick delivers the last gift,

he will no longer
be Santa Claus.

Can someone
get Helga a hanky?

Look, whatever fate awaits us...
Here ya go.

After tonight...

with chins held high.

Of course we're gonna hold our chins up.
We'll be treading water.

Nick?

You here?

Nick!
Okay, you're not here.

What's this?
"Lucy, if you're reading this...

"on Christmas Eve,
it may not be too late.

"Please, try on the hat.

"If you do, everything
will become clear.

"I'll be waiting at the top of the world for you.

Just in case.
Nick."

Jumping jingle bells,
it's glowing!

Oh, my!

Jumpin' jingle bells,
it's glowing?

I'm Santa!
I'm--

I am Santa.
I am Santa.

Jumpin' jingle bells!
It's snowing!

Okay, people.
We've been through it.

Put the heavy stuff on the bottom;
you have to put the breakable stuff on top.

Okay? No.
Sorry, boss.

Ralph! I thought
you should see this.

¶ I'm Santa Claus ¶

Hey, Ms Cullins.
You oughta bundle up.

It got cold all of a sudden.
Hey, maybe this heat wave is finally over.

Yeah, maybe.
Are you feeling better?

Yeah, kinda.
I should feel like I'm sittin' on top of the world.

Except I'm not sure where it is.
The only "Top of the World" I know is this hang-out...

where I have a beer
once in a while.

It's a bar?
Yeah, on Sunset.

It's in Hollywood.
Why am I not surprised?

Do me a favour.
Call me a cab. A cab?

On Christmas Eve?
In L.A.? Are you nuts?

Hey, Ms Cullins!
All of a sudden you look like Santa Claus.

Already?

Works fast.
It all works fast.

Where to, lady?
- Listen, I gotta get to a little dive on Sunset...

or all hell is gonna
break loose.

You're telling me.
Robespierre!

The name is Ralph, and we're
not too "tall" for time.

Well, okay, if you're gonna pun me,
let me pun you back. You "sleigh" me.

Ha, ha-- Whoo!
- ¶ Just dig those sleigh bells jinglin' ¶

¶ Ring-ting-tinglin' too ¶

¶ Come on,
it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ¶

You want a refill, Nick? No, Sally.
I think five hot apple ciders...

is plenty for one evening.
Yeah.

- You owe me an explanation.
- Lucy!

Yes.
You got my note.

I got your note.
I put on the hat.

It glowed!
It glowed on my head! Yes!

Does this mean what I think it means?
Does this mean I'm the real Santa Claus?

Is this legit?
The whole shebang.

Oh, my goodness!
What about-- What about the, uh, "or else" factor?

Is that real?
It's real.

Oh, Nick.
What am I gonna do?

I don't want to be responsible for some little kid's heart breakin'...

because I did
the wrong thing, like you--

Yeah, I know.
I hurt you.

I'm sorry you've had so much pain over so many years.

But, Lucy,
Santa Claus is not God.

Do you remember,
all those years ago,

when that beautiful little girl sat on my knee?

Hmm? Do you remember?
Yeah. Yeah.

What I told her then
is still true today.

If you keep the love
your daddy gave to you...

in your heart,

and pass on that love
to other people,

your daddy's love will remain alive forever.

I hate to break up this love fest,
but we have three billion gifts...

to deliver by sunrise,
so speed this up.

Merry Christmas, Lucy.
Merry Christmas, Santa.

¶ Sleigh bells ring
Are ya listenin' ¶

It's gettin' a little chilly out here.
Ah, yes it is.

The "or else" factor
is reversing itself.

Do you guys want to speed up?
I have the meter running, Lucy.

I mean,
"Santa."

See, that's very funny.

Listen, uh,
that's not the toboggan you showed me up at the North Pole.

How am I supposed to deliver a gazillion gifts in a taxicab?

What cab you talking about?

Oh, you're good. You're good.

Hey, boss. I don't want
to be a nudnik, but...

I don't think kids are going to recognize Santa in the,,,

polycotton coat here.
I'm gonna smack you.

Now, wait!

Hate to make you nervous or anything,
but can we talk about a couple things...

before we do that?
Sure.

First, if you want to scatter some white dreads,
I'm happy with that.

But not a whole head.
Okay? Mm-hmm.

Secondly, am I gonna be
sproutin' any facial hair?

Lucy, for the next two centuries,
you will not change one iota...

from what you are
right now.

Oh, well, come on with it!

I like everything
except for the belt.

I'm short-waisted.
It cuts me at the waist. Must I?

Ah! So much better!

- Shall we?
- Oh, yes. I think we shall.

My, but your pants
are awfully short.

Guess you're too tall for 'em, huh?
Thank you.

Oh, Rashomon. I'm sure you don't mind driving.
I'm just not ready yet.

Nick!
Hmm?

- Where's your Santa clothes?
- There's only room for one Santa, Lucy.

Let's say I'm just coming along
for your training run.

Oh. All right then.

We'll talk about it later.
Uh, Rakiki? You don't mind...

getting in the back seat, do you,
'cause I know it's so small and cramped,

'cause it's meant for an elf,
and you got a pituitary problem.

So sorry to hear about it.

Boss?
Hmm?

Why don't you have
the honours, one last time?

Thank you, Ralph.
I'd like that.

Ready, Rudolph?

Now, Dasher, now Dancer,

now Prancer and Vixen;

on, Comet, on Cupid,

on Donder and Blitzen.

Now dash away,
dash away all!

Ooh-yea!

Yahoo!

I can't believe I'm flyin'!
It's just too much!

Oh!

We made it.

Well, Lucy. Are you ready
for your first delivery?

Uh-- Yeah, yeah.
Go on then.

Okay.
Are they gonna be okay up here by themselves?

The reindeer? Yeah.
Fine, fine. Oh, good.

You don't suffer from vertigo,
do you? Not any more.

Oh, thank you. All right, children!
Merry Christmas!

Oh, wait--

What, what?
This is a real chimney!

Yes!
Why do we do it in a real chimney?

What did you expect?
Well, I ju-- I didn't-- I thought it was just,

like a story! No, no, no, no,
no. No, it's the rules,

and you have to go down.

No, wait! Okay. Okay.
Wait till we get to England.

- Why?
- The chimney pots start like this.

Oh, this is going to be a long night,
isn't it? Now the other foot.

Now, stand on the ledges.
What ledge?

The brick ledge-- There's a wall!
O-kay!

Okay. Okay.
Right, one, two--

Wait, wait, wait! What if there's a fire?
- What?

There won't be a fire!
How do you know?

- I've been doing this for 200 years!
- I know, but...

you're you,
and I'm just me.

I'm smelling sugar cookies.

I don't think that's
sugar cookies you're smellin'.

You know what, I-I can't do that.
Come on, come on.

- Lucy, come on!
- It's gonna be so easy.

- It's fun, it goes like that!
- Like that!

Like that?
I just want you to know, Yeah.

I'm doing this
under duress!

Whoa-ho, whoa-ho, whoa-ho.

Wait till we get to
the Kwanzaa huts.

That was so not fun.
So not fun!

Don't think I don't know you did that on purpose, Rakiki.

Hello.
Hi. Hi.

- Now-Now don't you be afraid, okay?
- I'm not.

Well, I would be if I saw
some stranger in my living room.

But, not to panic,
because I'm what they call a "Santa in training."

You don't look like Santa.

- Well, what do you mean?
- Because you're a girl.

I am a girl.
And you are so sweet to notice!

And because you're so sweet,
you know what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna give you the bestest present I have in my great,
big bag.

Wow!

How'd that bike get in there?
That's just what I wanted!

Whoo!
How'd I do that?

- You're Santa.
- That's right.

I'm Santa.

- And you're... James.
- Right.

Now, how cool is that?
I knew your name immediately!

Whoa!

You better go now.

I think I hear
my dad coming.

- You landed kind of hard coming down the chimney.
- Yeah, tell me about it.

The thing is, James, I can't
go back the way I came.

- Any suggestions?
- Front door?

You know, Residue,
you could have been a lot more helpful...

on how to get back
up that chimney.

If you knew my name,
I might.

Why, Risotto, I don't know what you mean.
And if you're not careful, I could fire you.

It's a lifetime contract,
and elves age slowly!

Ah, but in your case,
they grow quickly!

Oh, look, Rapscallion,

there's the Hollywood sign!

And over there's
the Staples Center.

Oh, if you fell out,
we might be able to trade you for Shaq.

It's gonna be a long night going up and down those chimneys.

Oh, you just couldn't wait to say that,
could you?

Mm-hmm.
Well, all right.

In the spirit of Christmas,
and since I'm your new boss, I'll call you Ralph.

- Thank you.
- So, Ralph, when are we gonna get to China?

Because I'm so peckish
for some Peking duck.

Lucy, do you think there's one last stop you'd like to make...

before we continue
with our deliveries?

Yeah.
Yeah, there is.

¶ A thrill of hope ¶

¶ The weary world rejoices ¶

¶ For yonder breaks ¶

¶ A new and glorious morn ¶

¶ Fall ¶

¶ On your knees ¶

¶ Oh, hear ¶

¶ The angel voices ¶

¶ Oh, night ¶

¶ Divine ¶

¶ Oh, night ¶

¶ When Christ was born ¶

¶ Oh, night ¶

¶ Divine ¶

¶ Oh, night ¶

¶ Oh, night ¶

¶ Divine ¶¶

Whoo!
Yes!

Yes! She was
really great.

How'd I do, Grandma?
Baby, tonight you were part of heaven's choir.

You rocked, girl.
Oh, yes.

- Merry Christmas, Mom.
- Lucy!

Yeah. Oh, baby,
you come home for Christmas.

- Yeah.
- Hey, sis. Come here!

What's up with
the Santa suit, huh?

I wish I could explain it to you,
but-- Lucy.

When tonight is over,
you'll have Christmas day to do whatever your heart desires.

Now you're Santa,
anything is possible. Great!

Lucy, what's goin' on?

Do you have your heart medication with you?

Hey, everybody, you're
not gonna believe it!

It's snowing outside!

This is amazing!
It hasn't snowed in Los Angeles for-- never!

Hey, check it out!
It's Santa's sleigh and Rudolph!

Not much to look at, folks.
Just a sleigh with nine tiny reindeer.

Now, listen.
I can't explain everything right now.

So I'm gonna drop by
for Christmas brunch.

And, Mom,
when I say I'm gonna drop in for Christmas brunch,

don't stand anywhere near the fireplace.
Lucy--

Uh, Lucy,
i-is this a reindeer doin' his business on my leg?

- Yeah.
- And... why is it snowin' in L.A.?

Oh, well, that's a pretty long story,
my brother.

Jeez, Lucy.
I-I'm confused.

It's okay.

Daddy? I don't know why,
but I think Aunt Lucy might be Santa Claus.

Well, I think I'm ready
to rock 'n' roll.

Where's Nick?

Come on, Nick.
We gonna be late!

Oh, I'm afraid this is my stop, Lucy.
From now on, you're on your own.

What are you talkin' about?

Well, Helga and I plan to live in Saint-Tropez.
She likes the sun--

- Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
- I need to settle down, Lucy.

No!
You are not leaving me out here by myself.

This is my first night as Santa Claus!
I don't know how to do this job!

I don't know how to go up the chimney.
I don't know what to do about this bag...

that keeps throwin' all these toys,
and I don't know anything about these reindeers!

Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer,
now Vixen-- You know what I'm saying.

I need your help here.
You cannot leave.

And since you told me that I'm the great,
mammy-jammy Santa Claus,

I'm declarin' you
Santa Claus Emeritus.

Which means that you are are gonna help me over the next 200 years...

find the next Santa Claus so I don't have
to go through what you went through...

looking for me.

Now, do we have a deal?

Come on, Nick!
Please? Please?

Deal.
Deal.

All right.
Look, we're burning daylight on the international dateline.

Okay, right now you are
burnin' my last nerve.

Get your behind in
the back of the sled, okay?

I'm ready for this.

Now Dancer and...

Prancer and...

Nixon and...

Blitzen and--

Dash away, dash away,
dash away all!

Now dash away, dash away--
We're not dashing at all.

Take up the reins, Lucy. Oh, well,
how am I supposed to know that?

This is just my first time
bein' Santa Claus.

You been Santa Claus for 200 years!
All right.

Hee-yow!
Whoo!

¶ Just dig those sleigh bells jinglin',
ring-ting-tinglin' too ¶

¶ Come on,
it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ¶

¶ Outside the snow is fallin' But your friends are callin' yoo-hoo ¶

¶ Come on,
it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ¶

¶ Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap
Let's go ¶

¶ Let's look at the show ¶

¶ We're riding in a winterland
of snow ¶

¶ Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap
It's grand ¶

¶ Just holdin' your hand ¶

¶ We're gliding along with the songs of a wint'ry wonderland ¶

¶ Our cheeks are nice and rosy Comfy,
cosy are we ¶ Merry Christmas!

¶ We're snugglin' close together like two birds of a feather should be ¶

She is Santa, Daddy!

¶ Let's take the road before us
and sing a chorus or two ¶

¶ Come on,
it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you ¶

Merry Christmas!
Bye, Aunt Lucy!

Mer-ry Christmas!

¶ Oh,
call me Santa Call me Kringle Call me ol' Saint Nick ¶

¶ All those
have a beautiful ring ¶

¶ Pleasin' is the reason
And the season's a kick ¶

¶ When you're Santa, baby
You gotta swing ¶

¶ Swing ¶

¶ I dare ya ¶

¶ Hey,
call me Santa Call me Kringle Call me 'ol St Nick ¶

¶ All those have
a beautiful ring ¶

¶ Pleasin' is the reason
and the season's a kick ¶

¶ When you're Santa, baby
You gotta swing ¶