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♪ dramatic theme ♪
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:07,007
♪
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,926
TERRY:
Korvo, where's the food?
4
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:09,968
I'm hot-gry.
5
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:11,720
That's a combo of hot and hungry!
6
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,347
KORVO: You wouldn't be so hot
if you would stop eating
7
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,431
those sauna stones!
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00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,058
I like that hat, Yumyulack.
9
00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:18,769
It really highlights the natural
bucket shape of your head.
10
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,854
Thanks, I've been auditioning
a lot of hats lately,
11
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,814
but I think I've finally found the one
12
00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:24,733
that says, "This guy bounty hunts."
13
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:25,901
Dinner is served.
14
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,027
I made pot roast
15
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:30,030
because tonight is another
Solar Opposites family roast.
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00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:30,948
- Yes!
- Whoa!
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00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,698
- Alright! Woo-hoo!
- Yes, love roast night.
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00:00:32,698 --> 00:00:34,243
Yeah, I'm gonna bow out of this one.
19
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,954
I specifically made pot roast
so we could roast each other's balls.
20
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:39,623
This is our fun new vibe,
and the whole family has to embrace it.
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00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:42,000
Fourth one this week.
We're on a roast night roll, baby.
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00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,503
I thought you'd run out of "A" material
after you said
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00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:47,089
my face looks like the inside
of Venom's vagina.
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00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:49,383
I did. And then I stayed up
all night watching Sopranos
25
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,969
on one screen and Judd Apatow
extended-cut movies on the other.
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00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:54,471
Now, who wants to get their
non-existent nuts busted first?
27
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Me, me, me, me, me, me!
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Alright, here we go.
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[clears throat] Terry is what you get
when the Jolly Green Giant
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accidentally forgets to do leg day.
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Oh, I went there!
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00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,147
[laughs] You got me.
33
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,191
Ooh, do me next, I skipped lunch.
34
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,402
Your polka dot dress
is more of a polka don't.
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Oh no, he didn't.
Oh yes, he did!
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[laughing] Thanks, Korvo!
37
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:13,907
And then there's Yumyulack.
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Holy shit,
look at this fucking loser.
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00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:17,870
The only thing worse
than Yumyulack's ugly hat
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is his piece-of-shit personality.
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00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:21,123
Oh, is that a bucket hat?
42
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More like a bucket of who gives a fuck?
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Oh, you are seriously
the ugliest, stupidest,
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most hateable little shit.
45
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You wear hats because you want
so badly to be human,
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but you still will never be one
because you don't have a mom.
47
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Oh, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-busted.
48
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[Terry and Jesse laugh awkwardly]
49
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Here's your slop.
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Someone wanna roast me so I can eat?
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Oh, I got one.
52
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Korvo, you're so blue, the sky is like,
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"Hey, gimme back my color."
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Oh, gotcha.
55
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Fuck you, Jesse.
I can't believe you would say that.
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Words can hurt.
[sobbing]
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
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until the asteroid hit.
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa,
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and escaped into the... space,
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
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We crashed on Earth,
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00:02:02,206 --> 00:02:04,499
stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
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That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
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My name is Korvo.
This is my show.
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Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
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Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
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It's a horrible home.
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People are stupid and confusing.
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Why is the human gestation period
nine months,
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and then they come out useless?
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They should grow babies in pots.
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Faster, easier,
and then after they're done,
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you get to keep the pot as a hat!
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♪ dramatic music ♪
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♪ playful music ♪
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AISHA:
That's how you play jacks?
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Earth games are dumb as hell.
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[alarm blares]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning, warning,
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self-cleaning protocol initiated.
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AISHA:
Dammit.
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I told Korvo to clean up
the ship, but no,
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he's too busy researching
disses and digs.
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Huh?
AISHA: If it gets too dirty up in here,
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an unstoppable bio-matter
eradication protocol kicks in
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00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:54,216
and I lose control
of the ship till it's over.
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AUTOMATED VOICE:
Danger, radiation level rising.
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00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,972
Current output is one percent.
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AISHA:
Don't worry, it's just a blast
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of deadly teleron radiation
that purges all organic life.
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No.
AISHA: We're safe in the cockpit,
93
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:10,190
but the rest of the ship is getting
that sick-ass teleron wipe.
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00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,025
There's too much clutter
in there anyhow,
95
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,236
food, toys, house plants.
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00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,531
Pretty sure I saw a UPS guy
wandering in a few days ago.
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00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,532
UPS?
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00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:20,033
AISHA:
Dude's lost as fuck.
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The ship is way bigger on the inside
than on the outside.
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Where are you going?
101
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You're not going to save
the UPS guy, are you?
102
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Don't go being a hero now.
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[men yelling on TV]
[turns off TV]
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Korvo, are we cool?
105
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,715
You-you seemed
pretty pissed last night
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after I busted your balls.
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You flipped over the table
and stormed out like all,
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"Oh, fuck you!"
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Remember that, Korvo?
110
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No, I loved it.
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I remember thinking
your roast was so funny
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that I decided to slap my knee,
but I misjudged the distance
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and accidentally slapped the table so hard
that it flipped over.
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And the "Fuck you"
was at myself for being so strong.
115
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And-and I stormed out real quick
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because my Roblox subscription
was about to expire,
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and I needed to re-up it
so I don't get kicked out of my guild!
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Whoa!
[thudding]
119
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,242
- Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
- Wh-wh-what's wrong?
120
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,952
I was in the replicants' room,
stealing cigarettes--
121
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:04,828
Please stop doing that.
122
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:06,705
I saw a glowing green
birth-a-day present
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on Yumyulack's bed,
and it was addressed to him.
124
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:10,709
Oh, really?
125
00:04:10,709 --> 00:04:13,629
Jesus face-fucking Christ,
that can only mean one thing.
126
00:04:13,629 --> 00:04:16,423
Today must be Yumyulack's
Shlorpian birth-a-day!
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00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,133
Wait, are you trying to say birthday?
128
00:04:18,133 --> 00:04:19,718
No, you sound stupid.
129
00:04:19,718 --> 00:04:21,803
It's a Shlorpian word
that's totally different.
130
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:24,223
Birth-a-day, Shlorpian birth-a-day.
131
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Jesus. Fuck.
132
00:04:25,349 --> 00:04:28,143
Oh, my God, these replicants
know nothing about their heritage.
133
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Every Shlorpian gets
one birth-a-day randomly
134
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:31,688
in their lifetime.
135
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:34,149
You know when it's here
because a glowing green present appears.
136
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,401
And then you have exactly one day
to open your present
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00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,986
and claim your birth-a-day powers.
138
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:39,571
Ooh, what kind of powers do you get?
139
00:04:39,571 --> 00:04:40,614
That's the problem.
140
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,658
You're given a choice
between infinite wisdom
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00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:45,118
or powers
of infinite destruction.
142
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,912
Infinite wisdom sounds toit!
143
00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:49,039
Maybe, no one knows,
it's never been picked.
144
00:04:49,039 --> 00:04:50,624
Everyone chooses destruction.
145
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,501
A Shlorpian's birth-a-day
is their big chance
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00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:54,294
to get revenge on everyone
who's wronged them.
147
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,380
Back on Shlorp,
we had this one friend
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by the name of Jason.
149
00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,341
[Shlorpians screaming]
150
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,302
Run, it's Jason's birth-a-day!
151
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,179
[heavy footsteps thudding]
152
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:08,600
[Jason roaring]
153
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,479
I fuckin' hated working here!
154
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:13,355
[rubble clattering]
155
00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,356
[Shlorpian yells]
156
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,275
Where the fuck you goin', dude?
157
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You were a shitty boss.
158
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Happy birth-a-day to me!
[Shlorpian yells]
159
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,197
[laser fires]
160
00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:25,576
And Jason was a chill dude.
People treated him with respect.
161
00:05:25,576 --> 00:05:27,578
Ah, geez.
Yumyulack isn't chill,
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00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:31,081
and we've really disrespected him lately
with all the ball busting.
163
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Especially you, Korvo.
164
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:34,293
I saw him crying
into his bucket hat.
165
00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:36,753
I hate it when people can dish it out
but they can't take it.
166
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,463
He'll most def use
his birth-a-day powers
167
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to laser-eye vaporize us.
168
00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:41,884
I don't wanna be zapped into ash.
169
00:05:41,884 --> 00:05:44,219
I haven't even licked
a boy's inner butt yet.
170
00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:46,054
We gotta do what we used
to do back on Shlorp.
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Keep the birth-a-day boy
from finding out
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it's their birth-a-day.
173
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:51,185
We must keep Yumyulack away
from his room at all costs.
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00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,520
That's right. I never got to kill anyone
on my birth-a-day
175
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,939
because my friends distracted me
until the clock ran out.
176
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,066
I was gonna kill my exes
so they couldn't talk to each other
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about how I always brag
about sucking da mound
178
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:01,236
but I never actually do it.
179
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,404
Then that's the plan.
180
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,866
We have 12 hours to distract Yumyulack
and save the family.
181
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,285
Then we suck da mound.
182
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,080
AISHA: Alright.
That's the last of my ferns.
183
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,749
I'm not letting my Bloomscapes die
184
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:16,293
'cause y'all can't do
a weekly surface clean.
185
00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,170
[winch whirs]
[Pupa moans]
186
00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:20,339
AISHA: What are you doing
with my good winches?
187
00:06:20,339 --> 00:06:22,090
This is about the UPS guy.
188
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,509
You're going after his ass.
189
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,511
UPS, UPS!
190
00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:28,555
AISHA: Dammit, Pupa.
Why do you have to have a moral code?
191
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,891
You can't go in there,
it's too big a risk.
192
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,726
You don't even know
if he's worth saving.
193
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,604
What if he likes defending Jordan Peterson
in comment threads?
194
00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,022
I'm not lettin' you go in there.
195
00:06:37,022 --> 00:06:38,941
[door rumbling]
196
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,860
Get back here,
don't you parkour away from me!
197
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,363
Pupa!
198
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,200
There's our favorite little alien.
199
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:49,952
Uh, hey,
what are you guys doing here?
200
00:06:49,952 --> 00:06:52,079
You said martial arts was for toe suckers.
201
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,872
Toe sucking rules, dude!
202
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,624
How was karate rehearsal?
203
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:58,043
Awesome,
I got my fourth white belt today.
204
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,421
Check out my sick new move.
[grunts]
205
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,049
Jesus, you are more off-balance
than a donkey fucking--
206
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:05,092
That was great.
207
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,426
We thought we'd take you out to celebrate
208
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:07,928
this white belt thing we just heard about.
209
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,055
I appreciate the thought,
but I prefer to head home
210
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,640
so I can play
the new Madden in my room.
211
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,184
Forget the massively popular,
Good Charlotte-themed video game.
212
00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,269
You could do that anytime,
213
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,896
but you only get one chance to celebrate
your fourth white belt.
214
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,106
Can we at least take you out to lunch?
215
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,315
I know the perfect place!
216
00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,568
Okay, I did work up
a pretty good appetite
217
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:23,902
with all my respectful bowing.
218
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:24,695
Check it out.
219
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:26,780
[Jesse/Terry/Korvo snickering]
220
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,282
Very cool.
221
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:29,157
[alarm blaring]
222
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:33,203
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Danger, radiation level at 35 percent.
223
00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:35,622
AISHA:
You heard that scary-ass voice.
224
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,458
If you gonna do this rescue bullshit,
then hurry up,
225
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,002
or you won't have time to get back.
226
00:07:41,253 --> 00:07:43,380
By the way,
that compartment you're in now
227
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,716
is a giant unsolvable maze.
228
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,553
Every ship's got one,
stop looking at me like it's weird.
229
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,054
[alarm blaring]
230
00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,639
[doors rumbling]
231
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:53,640
MAN:
Help!
232
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,020
Please, help!
233
00:07:58,604 --> 00:07:59,688
[Pupa screams]
234
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,941
♪ dramatic music ♪
235
00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:09,114
AISHA: Damn, Pupa!
Your Daredevil powers fucked that maze up.
236
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,657
Thank you, kind creature.
237
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:12,534
AISHA:
Wait, that ain't the UPS guy.
238
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,620
Bro, how the hell did you get
onto my ship?
239
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:15,871
I'm an exterminator.
240
00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,415
Got hired to come here a couple weeks ago
to spray for spiders,
241
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:21,418
and some giant horned bug
gored my leg.
242
00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:24,004
AISHA: Oh, shit.
He's talking about a volptar.
243
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,172
Yeah, yeah, that's it.
244
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:27,633
AISHA: It's a dangerous
silica-based parasite
245
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:30,594
that must have crawled into the ship
when we were flying through space.
246
00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,679
Volptars can survive radiation.
247
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,680
They're tough as shit!
248
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,265
[alarm blaring]
249
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:36,934
Thank you!
250
00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:39,311
[winch whirring]
[man grunts]
251
00:08:39,311 --> 00:08:40,562
AISHA:
Okay, he's back.
252
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:42,439
Now use the second hook for yourself.
253
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,690
[alarm blaring]
254
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,192
[door rumbling]
255
00:08:46,443 --> 00:08:47,945
Pupa, get back here!
256
00:08:48,362 --> 00:08:50,781
Dammit, I'm getting too orb for this shit.
257
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,245
This is the only restaurant
on this side of town
258
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:57,996
where you can smoke
your own brisket at the table
259
00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,541
and see the kid from
Two and a Half Men tending bar.
260
00:09:00,541 --> 00:09:02,751
Ah, I'm just doing this
for a role, I swear.
261
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,670
This place has a ton
of five-star reviews.
262
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:06,505
And one zero-star review from a guy
263
00:09:06,505 --> 00:09:08,841
who clearly just wanted
to complain about his divorce.
264
00:09:08,841 --> 00:09:11,051
- [Yumyulack sniffs]
- Oh, it smells amazing.
265
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:11,885
When do we eat?
266
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,221
In four short hours,
267
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,557
we get to take the meat's temperature
for the first time.
268
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,766
YUMYULACK/KORVO/JESSE:
Ooh.
269
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,353
So, let's all settle in
for a nice, leisurely--
270
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:22,646
Oh, shit. Take me home.
271
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:24,690
- What is it? What's wrong?
- The waitress, I know her.
272
00:09:24,690 --> 00:09:27,025
That's Tracey from school.
Hey, Tracey, over here!
273
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,235
Stop waving.
274
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,237
I accidentally sent her
a mound pic a few weeks ago.
275
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,281
It was embarrassing.
She left me on read.
276
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,366
He's such a fuck-up,
but we need to make him think it's cool.
277
00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:37,119
Don't worry, Yum bear,
I bet it was a good pic.
278
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,497
- Oh, goddamn, Yum, that mound is tight.
- Tracey's out of her mind.
279
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,291
Usually, I would totally roast you,
280
00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:44,501
but this is a quality mound.
281
00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:46,753
Neat, how'd you get it
to glisten like that?
282
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,964
What? She's coming over, d'ah!
283
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:52,217
No wait. Um, uh, we have
something else planned for you.
284
00:09:52,217 --> 00:09:53,886
It's a bounty hunting thing.
285
00:09:53,886 --> 00:09:55,888
It's what defines you as a character.
286
00:09:57,890 --> 00:09:59,474
So, what am I supposed to do here?
287
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,227
Here's Jerry O'Connell.
I think he's about to explain.
288
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:05,272
Welcome, Yumyulack,
to Jerry O'Connell's Battle O' Death.
289
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,399
A battle royale?
Fuck yes!
290
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,067
Wish I could be there
with you in person,
291
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:11,236
but I've got so many other gigs.
292
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,197
Hell yeah, you do.
O'Connell works!
293
00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:16,200
Looks great too.
His smile is almost wider than his face.
294
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:19,119
JERRY: Twenty combat
and survival experts plus one alien
295
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:21,288
will hunt each other
in our warehouse complex
296
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,332
filled with weapons and booby traps.
297
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:25,459
Every three hours,
the playing field shrinks,
298
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,377
last man standing wins.
299
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,546
- Sounds good. Wish me luck.
- You got this.
300
00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:30,464
Kick ass, buddy.
301
00:10:30,464 --> 00:10:32,174
See you in six hours or so.
302
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:33,050
[alarm blares]
303
00:10:33,050 --> 00:10:34,343
[gunfire and explosions]
304
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,720
That should occupy Yumyulack
for the rest of his birth-a-day.
305
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,138
You know,
despite the fact he's hosting
306
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,390
a deadly Hunger Squid Game
Battle Royale,
307
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,309
O'Connell seems like a great guy.
308
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,144
You guys, I freaking won!
309
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,479
That was a blast.
310
00:10:45,479 --> 00:10:46,522
Some of those guys were tough.
311
00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:47,856
So, what are we doing now?
312
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:48,941
KORVO/JESSE:
Uh--
313
00:10:48,941 --> 00:10:50,359
[alarm blaring]
AUTOMATED VOICE: Danger,
314
00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:53,195
radiation level at 60 percent.
315
00:10:53,195 --> 00:10:54,321
[alarm blaring]
316
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,114
[volptar growling]
317
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,574
[footsteps thudding]
318
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:58,742
AISHA:
That's the volptar!
319
00:10:58,742 --> 00:10:59,993
Run, Pupa!
320
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,203
[volptar roars]
321
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:01,995
[Pupa yells]
322
00:11:03,288 --> 00:11:04,289
AISHA:
Watch out for the pit.
323
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,916
That shit's got no bottom.
324
00:11:05,916 --> 00:11:07,793
That's where I throw used batteries.
325
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,545
I know what you're thinkin',
326
00:11:09,545 --> 00:11:13,173
you wanna use those flares
to propel your ass down the pit.
327
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,717
What the? Where did you get
that Rocketeer mask?
328
00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:18,428
You better not have bought that
with my Discover card.
329
00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,097
Pupa, no!
330
00:11:20,097 --> 00:11:23,642
♪ heroic music ♪
331
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:31,066
♪
332
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:32,401
[woman screaming]
333
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:35,404
Guten tag, tiny creature!
334
00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:37,614
Danke for the hug!
335
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:40,868
[woman grunts]
336
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:43,829
Ah, it feels so strange not to be falling.
337
00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:46,331
I've been in that pit
for two whole wochen.
338
00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,083
AISHA: How the hell did you get
in there, German lady?
339
00:11:48,083 --> 00:11:50,335
I Airbnb-ed a room on this spaceship.
340
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,838
AISHA: Now, now, now hold it
right there, Pupa.
341
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:54,506
I know you wanna use
your last rope
342
00:11:54,506 --> 00:11:56,175
to send the socks
and sandals lady back
343
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:58,302
so you can keep looking
for the UPS man, but--
344
00:11:58,302 --> 00:11:59,136
[winch rattles]
345
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:01,763
That's right, I stuck
a wrench in your winch,
346
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:04,433
so you can't save
this lady's life until I say so.
347
00:12:04,433 --> 00:12:06,810
Either you clip yourself in too
and come back with her
348
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:09,146
or you both die of radiation,
up to you.
349
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:10,522
Please, don't let me die.
350
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:13,400
Not before I've seen
the Straits of Mackinac.
351
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,279
AISHA: Thank you.
How hard was that?
352
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,823
[woman screams]
353
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:22,326
AISHA: Sorry, Pupa.
I know you wanted to--
354
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:24,536
Son of a bitch!
355
00:12:24,536 --> 00:12:26,413
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Extreme danger,
356
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,124
radiation level at 80 percent.
357
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,668
Okay, we got one more thing planned.
358
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:34,505
Just keep that bucket hat down.
A little further.
359
00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:36,798
And... now!
360
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,052
[gasps]
The Hat On A Hat Hat Factory?
361
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:42,554
No way. They're my favorite
North American hat brand.
362
00:12:42,554 --> 00:12:44,806
- How'd you know?
- We looked at your search history.
363
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:47,059
It was all hats, cats, and felching picks.
364
00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:51,104
Come on, let's go.
We got you the four-hour VIP tour.
365
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,777
JESSE: Oh.
YUMYULACK: Holy shit,
366
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:58,403
that's Barry Hatfield.
367
00:12:58,403 --> 00:13:01,073
He's the designing mastermind
behind all their best headwear!
368
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,033
Mastermind, please,
this guy's a clown.
369
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:04,576
He's clearly about to do
some kind of Willy Wonka--
370
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:05,869
[clown horn beeps]
371
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:08,455
Oh, wow, your legs do work!
372
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:09,915
Indeed.
373
00:13:09,915 --> 00:13:11,667
Greetings and welcome
374
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:14,419
to the Hat On A Hat
Hat Factory VIP Tour.
375
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,130
'Tis I, Barry Hatfield.
376
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,091
Shall we begin?
377
00:13:19,091 --> 00:13:20,717
Fuck yes.
378
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:23,804
♪ Come on, let's go ♪
379
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,265
♪ And I'll show you hats ♪
380
00:13:26,265 --> 00:13:28,976
♪ Of different shapes and sizes ♪
381
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,104
♪ Stetsons, fedoras ♪
382
00:13:32,104 --> 00:13:33,647
♪ Sailor caps ♪
383
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:37,609
♪ And Gatsbys too ♪
384
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:38,777
This song sucks shit.
385
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:39,945
Let it go, man.
386
00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:41,154
Let it go.
387
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:44,116
♪ We melt down felt
and press it into hats ♪
388
00:13:44,116 --> 00:13:47,327
♪ In a process
that meets EPA standards ♪
389
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:50,664
♪ We just reopened
our porkpie wing ♪
390
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:56,086
♪ And it's asbestos-free ♪
391
00:13:56,545 --> 00:13:58,755
Oh, oh, yeah!
392
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,841
Yumyulack, would you like
to learn the secret
393
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,468
to how we make our everlasting flat brims?
394
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,679
[gasps] That's one of
the most tightly kept secrets
395
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:07,389
in all of the haberdashdom!
396
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:09,808
Oof, that was some
real candy-ass bullshit.
397
00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:11,810
That song did just kinda peter out.
398
00:14:11,810 --> 00:14:14,104
I cannot wait to bust
Yumyulack's balls about it.
399
00:14:14,104 --> 00:14:15,981
If you thought I was bad before,
wait until tomorrow.
400
00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:18,025
Mm, I can almost taste the pot roast.
401
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,693
Actually, we were kind of hoping
402
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,362
to keep the pause going
on the whole ball-busting thing
403
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,448
even after Yumyulack's birth-a-day.
404
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:25,282
What?
405
00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,410
Today's my birth-a-day,
and you hid it from me?
406
00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,621
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, Yum, I'm so sorry.
407
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:31,580
How could you?
408
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:34,958
I was gonna use my birth-a-day powers
to do so much cool stuff.
409
00:14:34,958 --> 00:14:37,753
Oh, yeah? Because we were scared
you were gonna be violent with it.
410
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:39,796
I was just gonna use my powers
to make them show me
411
00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:41,840
an early cut of Solo 2: Solo-er.
412
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,635
Oh, and I was gonna kill everyone,
starting with you two!
413
00:14:44,635 --> 00:14:46,011
TERRY/JESSE: Ah!
KORVO: Oh! No!
414
00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:47,930
- Ah, the felt!
- Oh no!
415
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,598
- It's burning!
- We knew you were bad!
416
00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:51,350
Oh, oh, Terry, Jesse, no!
[Terry/Jesse shouting indistinctly]
417
00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:52,601
BOTH:
Ah!
418
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:55,562
♪ intense music ♪
419
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,398
[machinery clanking, hissing]
420
00:14:58,398 --> 00:14:59,358
[bell dings]
421
00:14:59,358 --> 00:15:01,485
My family got milned into hats
422
00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:04,112
just like the fortune cookie
said they would!
423
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:10,160
Oh, my God.
Terry, Jesse, can you hear me?
424
00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:12,621
You fuck.
You turned them into the lamest thing!
425
00:15:12,621 --> 00:15:14,248
When I open my birth-a-day present,
426
00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:15,666
you're gonna wish
you were a hat.
427
00:15:15,666 --> 00:15:20,796
♪ dramatic music ♪
428
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,131
[car tires screech]
[cars honking]
429
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,343
[cars honking]
430
00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,178
[car honks]
KORVO: Hold on.
431
00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:29,972
This chase sequence looks familiar.
432
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:32,099
Are these cheap bastards reusing animation
433
00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:34,017
from when Jesse chased
you home that one time?
434
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:35,686
No way, this is different!
435
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:37,896
[dog barks, growls]
436
00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,439
Ah! Ah! Oh God.
437
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,275
Oh, oh, help me.
Ah, ah!
438
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:42,234
Oh!
439
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:49,116
It is the same, th-th-that's the dog
that bit you before.
440
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,993
Don't you dare use it to get past me.
441
00:15:50,993 --> 00:15:52,536
Fuck you,
that's exactly what I'm doing.
442
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,746
[alarm blaring]
443
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,790
AISHA:
Pupa, get out of my engine room...
444
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,375
you know it's not safe... here.
445
00:15:58,709 --> 00:16:01,628
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Radiation building, 98 percent.
446
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,504
[UPS Guy whimpers]
447
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,464
Help! Please help!
448
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:07,009
AISHA [voice glitching]:
No, Pupa, you're not gonna make it.
449
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:09,678
♪ heroic music ♪
450
00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,763
Who are you?
What are you?
451
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,849
[bone cracks]
Ah!
452
00:16:14,391 --> 00:16:15,726
[alarm continues blaring]
453
00:16:15,726 --> 00:16:18,520
♪ suspenseful music ♪
454
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,105
- AUTOMATED VOICE: 99.6 percent.
- Let it go, man.
455
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:21,773
Yeah, I'll get fired, but fuck 'em.
456
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:23,442
They make me pee in my truck!
457
00:16:23,442 --> 00:16:27,738
AUTOMATED VOICE: Warning,
radiation buildup is now at 99.8 percent.
458
00:16:28,197 --> 00:16:30,574
Emitters are spooling,
purge imminent.
459
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:33,160
♪ dramatic music ♪
460
00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:36,371
Volptar!
[volptar screeches]
461
00:16:36,371 --> 00:16:38,081
AISHA:
Pupa, watch out!
462
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,583
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Warning, danger,
463
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:41,543
initiating teleron wipe.
464
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,754
[volptar screeches]
465
00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:45,881
[explosion booms]
466
00:16:46,757 --> 00:16:47,925
Korvo?
467
00:16:47,925 --> 00:16:49,510
Korvo! [grunts]
468
00:16:51,094 --> 00:16:52,221
Get out of my way.
469
00:16:52,221 --> 00:16:54,389
Look, I understand
y-you're about to wreck me
470
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:55,432
with your birth-a-day powers,
471
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:58,727
but before you do that,
I just wanna say I'm sorry.
472
00:16:59,978 --> 00:17:01,688
You are? For what?
473
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,023
We shouldn't have lied to you.
474
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:04,942
We should have trusted you
to do the right thing
475
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,193
instead of thinking the worst.
476
00:17:06,193 --> 00:17:07,069
Yeah, that's right.
477
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:09,071
And I'm sorry I busted
your balls so hard.
478
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:12,157
The truth is, I have thin skin.
479
00:17:12,157 --> 00:17:14,284
Literally, it's a clinical condition
I was born with
480
00:17:14,284 --> 00:17:15,327
that I've hidden from everyone.
481
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:16,995
It makes me lash out
when I feel attacked.
482
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:18,956
Thanks for opening up
to me about it.
483
00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:21,166
I had no idea you were
carrying that burden.
484
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,417
I know it's just you and me now
485
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:24,795
because you killed half the family
by turning them into hats.
486
00:17:24,795 --> 00:17:27,464
But I'd love to turn a new page
in how we treat each other.
487
00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:28,173
What do you say?
488
00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,216
You know what, Korvo?
489
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,801
If you really mean what you just said,
490
00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:33,720
then okay, I'm good with letting
my birth-a-day clock run down.
491
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,097
Really, you are?
492
00:17:35,097 --> 00:17:37,391
Yeah, wanna go watch
Hunt for Red October 2:
493
00:17:37,391 --> 00:17:38,517
The Search for Green November?
494
00:17:39,518 --> 00:17:41,436
Wait a hot fucking second.
495
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,772
You hate that movie,
and the Yumyulack I know
496
00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,065
would never cave that quick.
497
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:46,775
Wait, don't, that's my present!
498
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:48,402
"To Korvo"?
499
00:17:48,402 --> 00:17:51,572
Oh, my God,
it's my Shlorpian birth-a-day.
500
00:17:51,572 --> 00:17:53,407
You guys pretended
to distract Yumyulack
501
00:17:53,407 --> 00:17:56,076
while the whole time
you were actually distracting me!
502
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,579
Wait a minute, googly eyes?
503
00:17:58,579 --> 00:18:00,873
Are these hats even Terry and Jesse?
504
00:18:00,873 --> 00:18:02,583
[radio signal beeping, hissing]
505
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:03,917
We're blown, we're blown!
506
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,627
To the panic room!
507
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:09,506
[evil laughter]
508
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:11,049
Don't do this, Korvo.
509
00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:13,260
Think back to what you said
two seconds ago.
510
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:15,679
Fuck you,
completely different situation.
511
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,473
When I hit full bars,
your asses are grasses.
512
00:18:18,807 --> 00:18:20,976
Oh, ah! Whoa!
513
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:23,228
Get in here!
514
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,273
Why did you lead him back to the house?
515
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:28,483
YUMYULACK: I'm sorry,
I got way too into character.
516
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:31,403
♪ dramatic music ♪
517
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:32,446
Oh, shit.
518
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,032
[lock clicking]
519
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:37,659
Phew.
520
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:39,703
KORVO:
All charged up, time to die!
521
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,122
[monitor crackling]
522
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,834
That creature perished
to save mein life.
523
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:48,003
I will get a tattoo of him on my back.
524
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,546
I don't even know his name.
525
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:52,591
AISHA: He was the Pupa,
and he was very important,
526
00:18:52,591 --> 00:18:55,260
which is why the three of us
need to get our story straight
527
00:18:55,260 --> 00:18:56,720
about what exactly happened to him.
528
00:18:57,721 --> 00:19:00,307
[volptar roars]
[all scream]
529
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:02,100
[volptar roars]
530
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:07,898
AISHA:
Pupa, you're alive, how?
531
00:19:08,774 --> 00:19:12,069
You hid from the radiation
inside the volptar!
532
00:19:12,069 --> 00:19:14,196
Alright, well, I'm gonna go.
533
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,323
I don't trust this computer at all.
534
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,952
Me neither, I've had quite enough
of this sci-fi scheisse.
535
00:19:21,787 --> 00:19:22,913
Ya know, it's funny.
536
00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:25,374
I've always asked,
"What can Brown do for you?"
537
00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:28,585
But this is the first time
somebody did something for Brown.
538
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,129
AISHA:
Wow, Pupa.
539
00:19:31,129 --> 00:19:32,923
You really taught me something today,
540
00:19:32,923 --> 00:19:34,758
that every human life matters,
541
00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:38,804
even that lonely UPS guy
was worth sacrificing your own--
542
00:19:38,804 --> 00:19:39,888
Ponies!
543
00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:42,766
AISHA: I knew it,
you need to quit putting toys on my card.
544
00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:44,518
You gonna fuck up my credit.
545
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:48,272
[Korvo laughing maniacally]
546
00:19:48,272 --> 00:19:50,232
KORVO: Last door.
You guys are fucked.
547
00:19:50,232 --> 00:19:52,109
I suppose it was always
gonna end like this.
548
00:19:52,109 --> 00:19:53,652
We had a good run, Terry.
549
00:19:53,652 --> 00:19:55,612
I just wish that
the moon had hit my eye
550
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:58,448
like a big pizza pie just-a-once-a.
551
00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:01,326
At least I found
this bucket hat before I died.
552
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:04,121
♪ dramatic music ♪
553
00:20:04,121 --> 00:20:04,913
[metal clinks]
554
00:20:06,290 --> 00:20:08,125
Prepare to meet your makers,
you lying--
555
00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,836
DEEP VOICE:
Shlorpian birth-a-day complete.
556
00:20:10,836 --> 00:20:13,422
[machine whirs]
557
00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:16,383
It's fine, you guys.
558
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,343
- You can come over.
- You aren't still mad?
559
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:19,636
Just at myself.
560
00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:21,180
I told you the lesson
I needed to hear,
561
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:22,472
and then I immediately didn't do it.
562
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:24,725
I was like, "Fuck that lesson,
I'm gonna slaughter you all."
563
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:25,559
I-I'm sorry.
564
00:20:25,559 --> 00:20:29,479
Infinite power is intoxicating,
I always said that.
565
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,148
Or wait, was it "Characters Welcome"?
566
00:20:31,148 --> 00:20:32,357
I know I said one of 'em.
567
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:35,235
Either way, the next time
someone has Shlorpian birth-a-day,
568
00:20:35,235 --> 00:20:37,279
we need to trust
they won't kill the rest of us.
569
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:38,030
Can we do that?
570
00:20:38,030 --> 00:20:40,157
- You bet.
- Absolutely.
571
00:20:40,157 --> 00:20:42,159
♪
572
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,245
Oh, fuck.
573
00:20:45,746 --> 00:20:46,538
Yeah.
574
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:47,956
- Whoa! Crazy.
- Alright, nice.
575
00:20:47,956 --> 00:20:50,125
I feel like I'm actually
on Air Force One.
576
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:51,335
Where'd you get this game?
577
00:20:51,335 --> 00:20:52,336
The Reagan Library.
578
00:20:52,336 --> 00:20:54,463
Now, now remember,
keep those goggles on good and tight
579
00:20:54,463 --> 00:20:55,506
for maximum VR.
580
00:20:58,342 --> 00:20:59,593
Jesse's a total snake.
581
00:20:59,593 --> 00:21:01,261
If she gets her hands on this,
we're dead.
582
00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:02,763
Then I say we stuff it
in the washing machine.
583
00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:03,972
It's the last place she's gonna look.
584
00:21:03,972 --> 00:21:05,015
She only has one outfit.
585
00:21:05,015 --> 00:21:06,433
Whoa, look at that!
586
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,935
Nancy's giving some guy a hummer,
587
00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:09,978
and it's Clint Eastwood?
588
00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:11,480
[gasps] Too real.
589
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,023
[gags] I'm gonna puke.
590
00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:15,692
Oh, no, wait. You have to see
how she spits it in his face.
591
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,987
[gasps] You motherfuckers.
592
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:20,781
- Give me that box!
- Run!
593
00:21:20,781 --> 00:21:22,115
JESSE:
Give me that right now.
594
00:21:22,115 --> 00:21:23,951
I have a lot of anger to work out!
595
00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:25,494
KORVO: Terry, heads up.
TERRY: Got it!
596
00:21:25,494 --> 00:21:26,662
YUMYULACK: Run!
JESSE: Give it back!
597
00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:28,956
You're ruining my birth-a-day!
598
00:21:28,956 --> 00:21:29,873
[all screaming]
599
00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:39,967
♪ dramatic theme ♪
600
00:21:39,967 --> 00:21:43,136
♪
601
00:22:19,715 --> 00:22:21,216
[mimicking laser fire]
45914
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