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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:05,860 --> 00:00:08,093 Something is wrong with Gizmo lately. 2 00:00:08,127 --> 00:00:09,662 He's morose, distracted. 3 00:00:09,673 --> 00:00:11,542 Like a man with a secret. 4 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,989 I mean, he's still a perfectly adequate familiar. 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,236 But there's just something not right about him. 6 00:00:16,247 --> 00:00:18,182 What it is, I don't know, 7 00:00:18,193 --> 00:00:19,627 but I intend to find out. 8 00:00:19,772 --> 00:00:21,607 So we're all here. That's good. 9 00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:23,505 - If I can have your undivided attention... - What? 10 00:00:23,516 --> 00:00:24,525 - ... for a few minutes? - Absolutely not. 11 00:00:24,536 --> 00:00:25,545 No. 12 00:00:26,038 --> 00:00:28,373 So, aren't you actually a vampire now? 13 00:00:28,481 --> 00:00:30,950 - Hmm? - Didn't you pay your friend Derek 14 00:00:31,186 --> 00:00:33,309 - to turn you into a... - We're not talking about that right now. 15 00:00:33,319 --> 00:00:34,869 He's behaving unusually. 16 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:36,106 If there's anyone that can get 17 00:00:36,117 --> 00:00:37,422 to the bottom of this kind of thing, it's me. 18 00:00:37,433 --> 00:00:39,358 Why? 'Cause I'm the king of bottoms. 19 00:01:10,687 --> 00:01:15,687 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 20 00:01:15,927 --> 00:01:18,355 - As I was saying... - Couple of questions. First one: 21 00:01:18,366 --> 00:01:20,172 - Why? And also... - Okay, you know what? 22 00:01:20,183 --> 00:01:21,938 - ... who gives you the right? - Okay, I was just... 23 00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:23,584 I have a follow-up to that. 24 00:01:23,595 --> 00:01:24,597 Okay. 25 00:01:25,699 --> 00:01:28,974 - Yeah. - Nadja, Laszlo, Colin Robinson, please. 26 00:01:28,985 --> 00:01:31,020 I would like to hear what Guillermo has to say. 27 00:01:32,411 --> 00:01:35,314 A lot has changed since you last saw me. 28 00:01:35,347 --> 00:01:37,716 I'm in a really good place. 29 00:01:37,750 --> 00:01:40,732 And it is all thanks to an ancient book of wisdom 30 00:01:40,743 --> 00:01:43,622 I discovered that laid buried in Laszlo's 31 00:01:43,656 --> 00:01:47,278 library of precious volumes for years and years. 32 00:01:47,532 --> 00:01:51,520 This book has taught me to focus on what is really important, 33 00:01:51,531 --> 00:01:55,484 like who is okay and who is not okay. 34 00:01:55,641 --> 00:01:57,481 Thank you for sharing, Guillermo. 35 00:01:57,492 --> 00:01:59,350 You are okay. 36 00:01:59,432 --> 00:02:02,757 - I didn't say anything yet. - Then that is okay. 37 00:02:02,768 --> 00:02:05,752 Okay. I want to talk about something very important. 38 00:02:05,763 --> 00:02:08,055 If this about my sexual intercourse, 39 00:02:08,066 --> 00:02:10,004 I saw the doctor and took the test. 40 00:02:10,015 --> 00:02:11,574 No, that was a Cosmo quiz that you took 41 00:02:11,584 --> 00:02:13,686 called "Which Sex and the City Icon Are You?" 42 00:02:13,719 --> 00:02:15,870 - And I was Kim Cattrall. - Ooh. 43 00:02:15,881 --> 00:02:17,243 - Ooh. - Now, I haven't got a clue who 44 00:02:17,254 --> 00:02:18,397 that is, but as long as she's sexy 45 00:02:18,408 --> 00:02:21,067 - and down to fuck, bingo. - Fine diagnosis. 46 00:02:21,077 --> 00:02:22,318 Okay, the thing I want to talk about is 47 00:02:22,328 --> 00:02:23,842 - vampire safety. - Go on. 48 00:02:23,853 --> 00:02:25,121 You're all becoming very sloppy 49 00:02:25,131 --> 00:02:26,861 covering your vampirisms in public, okay? 50 00:02:26,872 --> 00:02:29,602 - It's becoming very dangerous. - What is the big deal? 51 00:02:29,635 --> 00:02:31,270 If anyone notices, we just hypnotize them 52 00:02:31,303 --> 00:02:32,661 - like we always do. - No, 53 00:02:32,671 --> 00:02:34,119 you've been doing that way too much lately. 54 00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:37,934 Yes, but I have getting really okay at it. 55 00:02:39,245 --> 00:02:41,337 - You okay? - I am fine. 56 00:02:41,563 --> 00:02:43,017 No, no, no. No, no. 57 00:02:43,155 --> 00:02:46,558 You will all forget 58 00:02:46,569 --> 00:02:50,140 that someone tripped and who it was. 59 00:02:50,151 --> 00:02:52,147 I just fear that the hypnosis is making 60 00:02:52,158 --> 00:02:53,626 the borough dumber and dumber. 61 00:02:53,659 --> 00:02:56,344 We live in Staten Island. Nobody will notice. 62 00:02:56,355 --> 00:02:58,758 There are just some things you will never understand 63 00:02:58,769 --> 00:03:01,157 because you're not a vampire. 64 00:03:01,168 --> 00:03:02,185 - Yeah. - Very good point. 65 00:03:02,195 --> 00:03:03,637 Precisely. 66 00:03:03,648 --> 00:03:05,193 But even if I was a vampire, I... 67 00:03:10,188 --> 00:03:13,358 We are not laughing with you, we are laughing at you. 68 00:03:13,369 --> 00:03:15,171 You know what? Enough, okay? 69 00:03:15,182 --> 00:03:17,595 Don't count on me to always be here to protect you. 70 00:03:17,606 --> 00:03:19,026 I'm not gonna be around forever. 71 00:03:19,037 --> 00:03:21,442 Really? Where will you go, David Attenborough? 72 00:03:21,453 --> 00:03:22,703 - Right now? - Yes. 73 00:03:22,714 --> 00:03:24,345 - Out of this room. - Oh, finally. 74 00:03:24,356 --> 00:03:25,991 And that is okay. 75 00:03:26,025 --> 00:03:28,228 Look, guys, please, can I just have, like, a minute? 76 00:03:28,239 --> 00:03:30,378 Please, can... You know what, fine. 77 00:03:30,469 --> 00:03:32,212 Fine. Let's get this over with. 78 00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:33,513 Lock the door. 79 00:03:33,524 --> 00:03:34,648 Lock the... Please look the door. 80 00:03:34,659 --> 00:03:36,669 So, yeah, 16 days ago, 81 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,541 I made an impulsive decision to have Derek... 82 00:03:39,552 --> 00:03:40,771 Make me a vampire. 83 00:03:41,465 --> 00:03:42,699 Sure, man. 84 00:03:43,614 --> 00:03:45,451 - Oh. Whoa. Not yet, sorry. - Just a... 85 00:03:45,462 --> 00:03:47,713 I know, but just gonna take my... 86 00:03:47,746 --> 00:03:49,243 - cardigan off. - Yeah, of course, of course. 87 00:03:49,254 --> 00:03:50,921 Just don't want anything on it. 88 00:03:50,932 --> 00:03:52,375 - My grandma gave it to me. - Mm. 89 00:03:52,386 --> 00:03:54,459 And... I was a little nervous at first, 90 00:03:54,470 --> 00:03:57,811 and your first time I guess always... is? 91 00:03:58,297 --> 00:04:00,753 Uh... Okay. 92 00:04:00,764 --> 00:04:01,849 - Here we are. - Yes. 93 00:04:01,860 --> 00:04:02,961 - Yeah. - Yeah. 94 00:04:04,762 --> 00:04:05,996 I'm ready. 95 00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,588 Derek, 96 00:04:09,599 --> 00:04:11,669 customer toilet is clogged again. 97 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:12,989 You know what? I got to take care of this. 98 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:15,497 - Wait, what? Now? - If I don't do it now, people just go 99 00:04:15,508 --> 00:04:17,631 on top of what's already there, and believe me, 100 00:04:17,642 --> 00:04:19,248 - then no one's happy. - Derek, 101 00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:20,579 later. After... 102 00:04:20,613 --> 00:04:21,971 Oh, yes, of course, yes. 103 00:04:21,981 --> 00:04:23,014 You know what? Trevor's always telling me 104 00:04:23,025 --> 00:04:25,283 I have bad task management skills, you know? 105 00:04:25,294 --> 00:04:27,354 First, turn you into a vampire. 106 00:04:27,365 --> 00:04:29,267 - Yes. - Then I'll clean the toilets. 107 00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:34,160 I'm ready. Derek moved in, and finally... 108 00:04:37,395 --> 00:04:39,664 What are you doing? 109 00:04:41,486 --> 00:04:44,998 Just... showing off your... your sound machine. 110 00:04:45,009 --> 00:04:46,531 Why do you have it on 111 00:04:46,542 --> 00:04:49,463 "rainy night at the leaky castle" setting? 112 00:04:49,474 --> 00:04:51,223 Ah... 113 00:04:51,234 --> 00:04:53,312 The creatures of the night. 114 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:56,691 Such beautiful music they make. 115 00:04:56,702 --> 00:05:00,032 It also has a setting for "banshee wail"... 116 00:05:00,043 --> 00:05:03,144 - It's white noise. - ... and "abandoned orphanage." 117 00:05:03,155 --> 00:05:04,421 "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." 118 00:05:04,432 --> 00:05:06,834 - Very creepy. - Master, is there something that 119 00:05:06,845 --> 00:05:08,713 you needed to discuss with me? 120 00:05:09,091 --> 00:05:10,758 Yes. 121 00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,535 There is. 122 00:05:14,867 --> 00:05:16,335 Guillermo... 123 00:05:16,861 --> 00:05:19,151 we know why you have been acting so 124 00:05:19,321 --> 00:05:21,006 oddly lately. 125 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:23,127 - You do? - Mm. 126 00:05:23,138 --> 00:05:24,977 Are you-are you mad? 127 00:05:24,988 --> 00:05:26,277 Yes. 128 00:05:26,512 --> 00:05:31,733 We are mad at ourselves for forgetting your birthday. 129 00:05:31,958 --> 00:05:35,556 I am okay and you are okay, but this is not okay. 130 00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:39,415 For a human, a birthday is a terrible day. 131 00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:42,328 - We have forgotten his birthday. - Oh, yes. 132 00:05:42,361 --> 00:05:44,994 No, I really don't think it's about his birthday. 133 00:05:45,005 --> 00:05:47,593 And if it is, what a bitch. 134 00:05:47,604 --> 00:05:50,397 - When is his birthday? - Uh... 135 00:05:50,408 --> 00:05:51,763 I don't know, to be honest. 136 00:05:51,774 --> 00:05:53,600 Poor creatures only live for, like, 137 00:05:53,611 --> 00:05:56,353 two, 300 years, tops. 138 00:05:56,364 --> 00:05:58,398 So we are taking you out for a birthday dinner. 139 00:05:58,409 --> 00:06:00,364 Change into your nicest shitty sweater 140 00:06:00,375 --> 00:06:02,470 - and we will see you at the restaurant. - What... 141 00:06:02,481 --> 00:06:03,949 What restaurant? 142 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,032 So, full disclosure: 143 00:06:12,043 --> 00:06:15,027 I am back in the workforce. 144 00:06:15,038 --> 00:06:19,134 I'm Colin Robinson. I'll be taking your order today. 145 00:06:19,145 --> 00:06:21,757 So, what are we thinking about munching on? 146 00:06:21,768 --> 00:06:25,413 I decided to take a break from the office life. 147 00:06:25,424 --> 00:06:28,936 How about we set you two up with some pro-sexy? 148 00:06:28,947 --> 00:06:31,750 It's a fun way of saying prosecco. 149 00:06:31,761 --> 00:06:32,987 Prosecco is... 150 00:06:32,998 --> 00:06:36,124 Simply because the opportunities to feed 151 00:06:36,135 --> 00:06:40,699 in the service industry are so incredible. 152 00:06:40,710 --> 00:06:42,645 Dressing on the side. Ugh. 153 00:06:42,768 --> 00:06:44,703 Uh, I can ask the chef, 154 00:06:44,714 --> 00:06:46,883 but it's probably a no go. 155 00:06:46,894 --> 00:06:49,097 - I hate to see you cry. - I'm not crying. 156 00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:50,892 I just... I want... 157 00:06:50,903 --> 00:06:52,262 Pardon my reach. 158 00:06:52,273 --> 00:06:53,528 Oops. 159 00:06:53,773 --> 00:06:55,508 Just wanted to check in on you two, 160 00:06:55,519 --> 00:06:57,618 see how everything's tasting. 161 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:59,786 Think about desert. 162 00:06:59,797 --> 00:07:01,676 - Strip steak. - Uh-huh. 163 00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:03,155 Medium-well. 164 00:07:03,166 --> 00:07:06,792 The Caesar salad but with no croutons. 165 00:07:07,044 --> 00:07:08,831 Are you sure you're getting all this? 166 00:07:08,842 --> 00:07:11,645 Yeah, I-I never write anything down. 167 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,254 I got it. I think I know you want. 168 00:07:14,265 --> 00:07:15,633 Bon appétit. 169 00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:19,990 Hey, folks, my name is Colin. 170 00:07:20,001 --> 00:07:22,016 I'll be your server this evening. 171 00:07:22,027 --> 00:07:23,540 Has your whole party arrived? 172 00:07:23,551 --> 00:07:26,955 No. Tonight, Gizmo arrives upon an Uber. 173 00:07:26,966 --> 00:07:29,524 - Mm-hmm. - Okay. They're really not supposed to 174 00:07:29,535 --> 00:07:31,840 seat you until your entire party has arrived. 175 00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,618 Can I ask you to go stand in the crowded alcove 176 00:07:34,629 --> 00:07:36,055 where the cigarette smoke comes in? 177 00:07:36,088 --> 00:07:39,473 Fuck off. Just get us anything so it looks like we're eating. 178 00:07:39,484 --> 00:07:42,873 Okey dokey, jalapeño poppers, jalapeño poppers, 179 00:07:42,884 --> 00:07:44,358 jalapeño poppers, 180 00:07:44,369 --> 00:07:46,705 and one more per la tavola. 181 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,987 Koúkla mou, do you want to come up and join us? 182 00:07:49,998 --> 00:07:52,293 No, I hate you and I want to die. 183 00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:54,239 When I was running the vampire nightclub 184 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:56,665 I may have got a little bit 185 00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:58,811 too much into the old, uh, 186 00:07:58,844 --> 00:08:00,144 liquor blood. 187 00:08:01,633 --> 00:08:05,062 And then, one night, I got so shit off my faced... 188 00:08:05,885 --> 00:08:07,920 that I sat on my dolly 189 00:08:07,976 --> 00:08:10,474 and I minced her legs with my wagon. 190 00:08:10,485 --> 00:08:11,881 Don't be such a Debbie Downer. 191 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:14,562 - Come and join in the human birthday party. - Yes, eh? 192 00:08:14,573 --> 00:08:17,432 What you've done to my legs is unforgivable. 193 00:08:17,443 --> 00:08:19,979 Nadja absolutely crushed my lower body. 194 00:08:20,212 --> 00:08:21,790 There's nothing wrong with my butt. 195 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,033 Eh, I'll be the judge of that. 196 00:08:24,044 --> 00:08:25,746 And Colin Robinson's solution 197 00:08:25,757 --> 00:08:28,577 is something I very much do not like. 198 00:08:28,588 --> 00:08:31,381 Come on, you can be the queen of the restaurant, huh? 199 00:08:31,392 --> 00:08:33,194 - Push the button, my darling. - Don't you dare 200 00:08:33,205 --> 00:08:34,384 press the button on my toe. 201 00:08:34,395 --> 00:08:36,311 Oh, come on, it's so fun. 202 00:08:36,322 --> 00:08:37,714 ♪ I feel good... ♪ 203 00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,245 No! I don't actually feel good at all! 204 00:08:39,256 --> 00:08:40,933 ♪ I knew that I would, now... ♪ 205 00:08:40,944 --> 00:08:44,074 - I will never forgive you for destroying my... - ♪ I feel good ♪ 206 00:08:44,085 --> 00:08:46,659 - Wow! Peekaboo! Queen of Soul in the house. - ♪ So good... ♪ 207 00:08:46,670 --> 00:08:48,629 - Fuck-fuck-fuck you all! ♪ So good ♪ - I think so. 208 00:08:48,661 --> 00:08:50,096 - ♪ I got you. ♪ - Ow! 209 00:08:50,129 --> 00:08:51,927 Ow! Stop! 210 00:08:51,938 --> 00:08:53,633 Put me back under the table. 211 00:08:53,644 --> 00:08:56,091 - Oh, what have I done? - You know what you did. 212 00:08:56,102 --> 00:08:57,660 You're never going to forgive me, are you? 213 00:08:57,670 --> 00:08:59,646 Colin Robinson. 214 00:08:59,657 --> 00:09:00,953 - Yes, sir? - Are those 215 00:09:00,964 --> 00:09:04,501 "yalapeño" whatevers... are they coming any time soon? 216 00:09:04,512 --> 00:09:06,434 Oh, I'll ask your server to check on those. 217 00:09:06,445 --> 00:09:09,091 - I thought you were our server. - I'm on break. 218 00:09:09,102 --> 00:09:11,705 - My darling, what is on your mind? - Yes. 219 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:14,192 It's nothing, I just... 220 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,077 I can't get something out of my mind that 221 00:09:16,088 --> 00:09:18,417 that little pipsqueak Gizmo said about 222 00:09:18,428 --> 00:09:20,383 not being around forever. 223 00:09:20,394 --> 00:09:23,084 I mean, he could mean that he's gonna die soon. 224 00:09:23,095 --> 00:09:24,630 - Right. - That's something that, uh, 225 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:25,851 - humans do. - All the time. 226 00:09:25,862 --> 00:09:28,614 Or he could get his old job at Panera Bread back. 227 00:09:28,625 --> 00:09:30,739 That's another thing all humans do 228 00:09:30,750 --> 00:09:32,817 - at some point. Or... - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 229 00:09:32,828 --> 00:09:36,712 I suppose eventually, perhaps, he could... 230 00:09:38,004 --> 00:09:39,779 become a vampire himself. 231 00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:42,114 Fuck, no. 232 00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:45,528 - What an idiot. - It could happen. It could happen. 233 00:09:45,607 --> 00:09:48,286 I don't understand why. Why do you keep asking that? 234 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:49,856 You were there, you saw what happened. 235 00:09:49,889 --> 00:09:51,047 - Why are we going to... - Guillermo, we're just trying to 236 00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,907 understand it from your point of view. 237 00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,697 Derek leaned in... 238 00:09:54,944 --> 00:09:55,992 - Wait, stop! - Oh, what?! 239 00:09:56,002 --> 00:09:58,030 Sorry. Have you done this before? 240 00:09:58,064 --> 00:10:00,499 Yeah. Tons of ti... 241 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,156 Like, many dozens of times. 242 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:05,663 - Derek. - I'm... No. I haven't. No. Um, have you? 243 00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:08,627 Why doesn't Andy just do this? 244 00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:09,704 Who? 245 00:10:10,089 --> 00:10:11,378 Your master. 246 00:10:12,158 --> 00:10:13,812 You mean Nandor? 247 00:10:13,823 --> 00:10:15,282 Oh... Okay. 248 00:10:15,293 --> 00:10:17,412 That clears up so much for me. 249 00:10:17,423 --> 00:10:18,684 I mean, I kept thinking, 250 00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:20,786 "A vampire named Andy? That's so random." 251 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:23,044 It's not like he doesn't want to. It's, like, he always says 252 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:25,558 he's gonna get around to it, you know? 253 00:10:25,814 --> 00:10:28,661 He actually cares about me a lot, and he does a lot of 254 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,796 - really nice things for me. - Oh. 255 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,828 Oh, sorry, I'm just pausing. 256 00:10:36,839 --> 00:10:37,944 It's for the editors. 257 00:10:37,955 --> 00:10:40,332 They insert, probably, like, a cute montage or something, 258 00:10:40,343 --> 00:10:41,774 of all the stuff he's done for me 259 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,772 - over the years, so, might take a second. - Okay. 260 00:10:44,783 --> 00:10:46,200 - Oh, okay. - Yeah. 261 00:10:53,154 --> 00:10:54,677 Are you sure you want to do this? 262 00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:55,988 Yes. 263 00:10:56,044 --> 00:10:58,217 No, I still absolutely want to be a vampire. 264 00:10:58,228 --> 00:11:01,060 - I just didn't think it would happen like this. - Mm. 265 00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:03,197 I don't know, maybe it's, like, deep down inside, 266 00:11:03,208 --> 00:11:07,192 my psyche is just telling me that I'm really not ready to, like... 267 00:11:07,203 --> 00:11:10,058 Oh, shit! What the fuck are you doing?! 268 00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:12,636 Oh, oh, oh. 269 00:11:12,647 --> 00:11:14,312 I'm sorry, I-I thought you said you were ready. 270 00:11:14,323 --> 00:11:15,630 I wasn't ready! 271 00:11:15,641 --> 00:11:17,065 I heard "ready!" I just heard "ready!" 272 00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:18,511 I think he hit an artery. 273 00:11:18,544 --> 00:11:20,798 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ¡Puta madre! 274 00:11:21,078 --> 00:11:22,178 Oh! 275 00:11:22,189 --> 00:11:24,409 And it was just like... 276 00:11:25,022 --> 00:11:28,588 Aah! Fucking shit! Oh! 277 00:11:28,621 --> 00:11:30,581 Be honest with me. Is it bad? 278 00:11:30,592 --> 00:11:33,074 Hold still, let me look. Uh, yeah, it's bad. 279 00:11:33,085 --> 00:11:35,240 Oh! ¡Puta madre! 280 00:11:35,251 --> 00:11:37,004 Okay, I got to drink your blood. 281 00:11:37,015 --> 00:11:39,064 Ooh. That is gonna be a sticking point for me. 282 00:11:39,075 --> 00:11:41,081 - Why is that? - Because I'm a bit of a fainter. 283 00:11:41,092 --> 00:11:43,396 - I have low blood pressure. - What? 284 00:11:44,084 --> 00:11:46,426 If I'm being honest, you people can be real parasites. 285 00:11:46,437 --> 00:11:48,142 I mean, why do I need to repeat myself? 286 00:11:48,153 --> 00:11:50,596 You were there, you saw the blood. Thank you so much, 287 00:11:50,607 --> 00:11:51,933 - and I will be giving you five stars. - Yeah. 288 00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,089 And you know what? I'm done. I'm off to my birthday dinner 289 00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,298 when it's not really my birthday. 290 00:11:55,309 --> 00:11:59,069 Imagine Guillermo flying around in his little short legs. 291 00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:01,590 - I enjoy that joke. - That's made my night. 292 00:12:01,601 --> 00:12:03,804 What's so funny? What'd I miss? 293 00:12:03,815 --> 00:12:05,884 Hey, gang. 294 00:12:06,761 --> 00:12:09,592 Hi. Do you mind if I borrow? Thank you so much. 295 00:12:09,785 --> 00:12:11,641 - That's me. - What's so funny? 296 00:12:11,652 --> 00:12:12,652 Oh, nothing. 297 00:12:12,663 --> 00:12:14,802 We were doing the joke where we imagine 298 00:12:14,813 --> 00:12:17,592 that you have become a vampire. 299 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:19,925 I don't know why that's so laughable. 300 00:12:19,936 --> 00:12:23,157 - Could you imagine Grahame as a vampire? - I know! 301 00:12:23,168 --> 00:12:26,185 He would be just a little bat with diarrhea, like... 302 00:12:26,196 --> 00:12:28,045 Flying and then... 303 00:12:28,056 --> 00:12:30,128 Why do I always shit in your scenarios? 304 00:12:30,139 --> 00:12:32,243 Guillermo, I'm sorry. Eventually, of course, 305 00:12:32,254 --> 00:12:36,117 I will definitely be turning you into a vampire when the time is right. 306 00:12:36,128 --> 00:12:39,204 But you got to admit, it's a funny image. 307 00:12:39,215 --> 00:12:41,176 With the big glasses. 308 00:12:41,187 --> 00:12:43,409 Or a shitty woolen cape. 309 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:44,979 What if-what if I didn't wait 310 00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:47,239 till I felt like you thought the time was right? 311 00:12:47,250 --> 00:12:49,209 - What do you mean? - What if, hypothetically, 312 00:12:49,220 --> 00:12:51,644 walking down the street, and then Dracula... 313 00:12:51,655 --> 00:12:53,541 Dracula? 314 00:12:53,552 --> 00:12:56,947 He says, "Do you want me to make you into a vampire?" 315 00:12:58,190 --> 00:12:59,858 And I said yes? 316 00:13:06,646 --> 00:13:10,551 A familiar going to a vampire who is not his master 317 00:13:10,562 --> 00:13:12,464 and asking him to turn him? 318 00:13:12,475 --> 00:13:15,297 Now, I am a fan of edgy comedy, 319 00:13:15,677 --> 00:13:18,099 but that is no laughing matter. 320 00:13:18,110 --> 00:13:19,569 I'm not entirely sure we should be 321 00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:22,044 talking about any of this out loud. 322 00:13:22,055 --> 00:13:23,950 But it's okay. I was just saying hypothetically. 323 00:13:23,983 --> 00:13:26,811 Hypothetically, what you are talking about 324 00:13:26,822 --> 00:13:28,857 is the greatest humiliation 325 00:13:28,868 --> 00:13:32,206 a familiar could bestow upon his master. 326 00:13:33,626 --> 00:13:35,860 If that were to happen, Guillermo... 327 00:13:38,703 --> 00:13:40,201 then I will kill you. 328 00:13:41,773 --> 00:13:44,786 I would not like to do it, but I would have to do it. 329 00:13:44,797 --> 00:13:46,774 And then I would kill myself, 330 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,681 which I would not like either. 331 00:13:48,692 --> 00:13:53,781 There are some things about which we do not joke. 332 00:13:53,792 --> 00:13:55,263 Obee-kaybee. 333 00:13:55,274 --> 00:14:00,155 I have six plates of veggie dumplings and a chocolate pudding. 334 00:14:00,166 --> 00:14:02,896 - That looks... - Mm, brown. 335 00:14:02,981 --> 00:14:05,656 - Thank you. - ... like shit. 336 00:14:11,128 --> 00:14:14,890 Well, it was a nice dinner, so you have had a 337 00:14:14,901 --> 00:14:17,054 to distract you from the fact you will soon die. 338 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,200 - You are welcome. - Hear, hear. Well said. 339 00:14:19,211 --> 00:14:21,293 And, for your birthday wish, 340 00:14:21,304 --> 00:14:23,309 we all promise to do a much better job 341 00:14:23,342 --> 00:14:26,231 of blending in, as you requested. 342 00:14:26,242 --> 00:14:27,801 I guess I'll see you back at the hou... 343 00:14:27,812 --> 00:14:31,079 Okay. I'm just gonna get some stuff at the mall. 344 00:14:31,268 --> 00:14:33,437 What is "mawrl?" 345 00:14:35,146 --> 00:14:37,146 I have heard -Oh, ho! 346 00:14:37,157 --> 00:14:40,260 about this thing called mall. 347 00:14:40,271 --> 00:14:43,508 But I thought it was a myth, a rumor, 348 00:14:43,519 --> 00:14:46,948 a fairy tale made up by an insane child. 349 00:14:46,959 --> 00:14:48,819 - This, I have to see. - Maybe I shouldn't 350 00:14:48,835 --> 00:14:50,664 have mentioned anything about the mall. That's on me. 351 00:14:50,675 --> 00:14:52,166 I take responsibility for that. 352 00:14:52,177 --> 00:14:55,330 Okay, this is the mall. 353 00:14:55,341 --> 00:14:58,962 Just sit down and people-watch, do whatever you want 354 00:14:58,973 --> 00:15:00,207 while sitting down. 355 00:15:00,218 --> 00:15:02,905 I'm gonna get some new glasses and a footlocker 356 00:15:02,916 --> 00:15:04,773 - and then we can go home. - It is rising! 357 00:15:04,784 --> 00:15:06,026 - That's an elevator. - Ah. 358 00:15:06,037 --> 00:15:08,134 - So just stay here. - Great. 359 00:15:08,145 --> 00:15:10,091 - Yes, we understand. - Okay, great. 360 00:15:10,102 --> 00:15:11,368 - I'll be right back. - All right. Yeah. 361 00:15:11,379 --> 00:15:13,301 I'm gonna get you some new knickers. 362 00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:14,773 What is Sephora? 363 00:15:14,784 --> 00:15:18,192 Gilly's Gifts. Very nice. 364 00:15:18,203 --> 00:15:20,433 This mall has a Guillermo's Gifts? 365 00:15:20,466 --> 00:15:22,792 Uh, I'm not sure. 366 00:15:23,159 --> 00:15:25,831 That is fine. I will explore. 367 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,973 I would like you to tell me more about this product. 368 00:15:28,984 --> 00:15:31,179 - Well, that's Shrek. - Great. 369 00:15:31,190 --> 00:15:33,445 Ring me up. And also... 370 00:15:33,456 --> 00:15:36,872 I would like you to honor these special coupons. 371 00:15:36,883 --> 00:15:41,185 I will honor this coupon for a free oil change 372 00:15:41,196 --> 00:15:43,717 that expired 18 years ago... 373 00:15:43,728 --> 00:15:45,913 - Yes. - ... and this one that's 374 00:15:45,924 --> 00:15:50,356 just a cut-out photo of Ryan Seacrest from a magazine. 375 00:15:51,477 --> 00:15:53,999 - Will it work? - Yes, of course it will work. 376 00:15:54,010 --> 00:15:57,372 We are going to fix this, and this is how we do it. 377 00:15:57,719 --> 00:15:58,877 Sorry about that. 378 00:15:58,888 --> 00:16:00,856 - So, did we make a selection? - Yes. 379 00:16:00,867 --> 00:16:03,567 I am looking for the exact proportions of 380 00:16:03,578 --> 00:16:07,211 Venus herself when her pussy was serving witches tea, 381 00:16:07,222 --> 00:16:09,784 nipples so sharp they're on the most wanted list, 382 00:16:09,795 --> 00:16:12,160 and a taint that can sign its own checks. 383 00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:16,458 Uh... I meant more like, which hat did you want? 384 00:16:16,469 --> 00:16:19,325 Oh, yes. Rainbow sombrero for sure. 385 00:16:19,358 --> 00:16:21,088 Okay. 386 00:16:21,099 --> 00:16:23,325 What is wrong now? 387 00:16:23,336 --> 00:16:26,464 You didn't even ask for my opinion. 388 00:16:26,475 --> 00:16:28,002 What the hell are you talking about? 389 00:16:28,013 --> 00:16:30,522 Did you not hear what I said about the taint? 390 00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:34,023 Malls are fascinating places full of fascinating things. 391 00:16:35,071 --> 00:16:36,322 That's a baby village. 392 00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,577 Makes sense to keep them all in one place. 393 00:16:38,588 --> 00:16:39,862 That's called London Shoes. 394 00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:41,674 Now, if those shoes were really from London, 395 00:16:41,685 --> 00:16:43,353 they'd be covered in shit. 396 00:16:43,661 --> 00:16:44,977 Bikini Warehouse. 397 00:16:44,988 --> 00:16:47,827 - Must be a front for a brothel. - Excuse me. 398 00:16:47,838 --> 00:16:50,522 - Hi. Would you like to sample our new scent, Noir? - No, fuck off. 399 00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:53,415 Can't be sidetracked with cheap sex potions. 400 00:16:53,426 --> 00:16:54,794 Question still remains. 401 00:16:54,952 --> 00:16:56,620 What is Gizmo up to? 402 00:17:07,021 --> 00:17:09,948 Hyah! Prepare to be pillaged! 403 00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:11,956 - Laszlo! - Shut up. 404 00:17:11,967 --> 00:17:13,822 - I found John! - Idiot. 405 00:17:13,833 --> 00:17:15,384 - It's John! - Fucking idiot. 406 00:17:15,395 --> 00:17:18,551 Make this thing go faster! 407 00:17:18,562 --> 00:17:21,462 That was, uh, some pretty heavy stuff at dinner, huh? 408 00:17:23,122 --> 00:17:26,580 Just stuff I did not even, I didn't even... 409 00:17:28,045 --> 00:17:29,447 know. 410 00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:32,242 Sorry. 411 00:17:32,253 --> 00:17:34,567 Where was I? Um... 412 00:17:35,166 --> 00:17:37,836 I was hemorrhaging profusely, uh, about to die. 413 00:17:37,952 --> 00:17:40,361 - You good? - Yeah. 414 00:17:40,641 --> 00:17:42,143 - Yeah, I think so. - Well, that's good. 415 00:17:42,154 --> 00:17:44,380 - 'Cause I haven't done it yet. - Oh, dude. 416 00:17:44,391 --> 00:17:45,835 Other people's blood I'm fine with. 417 00:17:45,846 --> 00:17:48,136 But the sight of my own? No, thank you. 418 00:17:48,147 --> 00:17:49,643 You know, when I think about fainting, I faint. 419 00:17:51,768 --> 00:17:53,618 It's really hard to break the skin. 420 00:17:53,749 --> 00:17:55,585 - Um... - I'm running out of time here, buddy. 421 00:17:55,596 --> 00:17:58,126 Here. Why don't you slice me up with this box cutter? 422 00:17:58,137 --> 00:17:59,305 Are you sure? It's gonna hurt. 423 00:17:59,316 --> 00:18:02,068 - I'm a vampire. I think I can handle it. - Okay. 424 00:18:04,322 --> 00:18:05,867 - Did you do it? - Yeah, I did. 425 00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:07,209 - But don't look because... - Don't look at what? 426 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:08,443 - Oh, shit. - No, Derek. 427 00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:09,755 No. 428 00:18:15,107 --> 00:18:18,617 The deed is done. The die is cast. 429 00:18:19,296 --> 00:18:21,676 There's no turning... 430 00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:30,841 Derek. 431 00:18:32,242 --> 00:18:33,370 Toilet again. 432 00:18:34,843 --> 00:18:36,161 Oh... 433 00:18:36,172 --> 00:18:38,546 Okay, sorry, dude, I got to go take care of this. 434 00:18:38,557 --> 00:18:40,615 Oh, shit. Dude? 435 00:18:40,884 --> 00:18:42,599 Dude? 436 00:18:48,165 --> 00:18:49,633 So, yeah. 437 00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,464 That's where we're at. 438 00:18:57,513 --> 00:18:59,520 It seems to be a process. 439 00:18:59,626 --> 00:19:03,432 I thought the transformation would be faster, 440 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,545 but I haven't drank blood. 441 00:19:05,556 --> 00:19:07,584 I can still eat human foods. 442 00:19:07,831 --> 00:19:11,568 In fact, my appetite for very rare meat is ravenous. 443 00:19:14,079 --> 00:19:16,481 My teeth are totally normal and... 444 00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:18,790 I don't feel any sexier. 445 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,519 I can still go out into the sun. 446 00:19:24,394 --> 00:19:26,830 I can't fly or turn into a bat. Yet. 447 00:19:26,841 --> 00:19:27,923 Bat! 448 00:19:28,714 --> 00:19:30,182 Human form. 449 00:19:30,506 --> 00:19:34,968 I thought the transformation would be overnight, but it's been 16 days. 450 00:19:34,979 --> 00:19:37,036 Which is why I've been keeping it a secret. 451 00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:39,346 I was kind of holding off for that big 452 00:19:39,357 --> 00:19:41,392 "wow factor" for the reveal, but at this point, 453 00:19:41,425 --> 00:19:43,051 I don't even think I should tell them because... 454 00:19:43,062 --> 00:19:45,603 - Mr. de la Corz? - Uh, so sorry about that. 455 00:19:45,614 --> 00:19:46,856 De la Cruz? That's me. 456 00:19:46,867 --> 00:19:48,183 - De la Cruz. - Hi. 457 00:19:48,217 --> 00:19:50,620 How long have you been wearing glasses with this prescription? 458 00:19:50,652 --> 00:19:52,795 Oh, since I was three or four? 459 00:19:52,806 --> 00:19:53,989 I-I don't know who screwed up here, 460 00:19:54,022 --> 00:19:56,954 but you actually don't need glasses at all. 461 00:19:56,965 --> 00:20:00,182 According to the eye exam you just did, you have 20/20 vision. 462 00:20:00,193 --> 00:20:02,420 It's actually better than 20/20 vision. 463 00:20:02,431 --> 00:20:03,699 - Whoa. - Yeah. 464 00:20:03,872 --> 00:20:06,034 Well, that is... 465 00:20:06,068 --> 00:20:08,591 a super power. 466 00:20:08,836 --> 00:20:11,462 - Wow, that's... Wow. - So, right now, you're wearing 467 00:20:11,473 --> 00:20:13,709 a very strong prescription for no reason. 468 00:20:13,742 --> 00:20:15,067 - Let's stop doing that. - Let's stop doing that. 469 00:20:15,077 --> 00:20:16,235 - Yeah. - Yeah, okay. 470 00:20:16,245 --> 00:20:18,447 Would it be possible to just get a pair 471 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,294 without a prescription? 472 00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:24,286 Just, I don't want people to think I look... different. 473 00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:28,657 Uh, yeah. Sure. You want the same frames or... 474 00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,469 Did you enjoy your birthday? 475 00:20:34,571 --> 00:20:36,064 It was all right, Master. 476 00:20:36,098 --> 00:20:38,017 I guess I wasn't really that hungry. 477 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,830 And that is okay. 478 00:20:40,027 --> 00:20:41,295 Do the other side. 479 00:20:41,563 --> 00:20:43,270 - Master? - Mm-hmm? 480 00:20:43,281 --> 00:20:45,483 If I accidentally 481 00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:47,532 got made into a vampire... 482 00:20:47,543 --> 00:20:49,132 - Mm-hmm? - ... by somebody else, 483 00:20:49,143 --> 00:20:50,645 you wouldn't really... 484 00:20:51,298 --> 00:20:52,833 kill me, would you? 485 00:20:53,782 --> 00:20:55,450 Accidentally, you say? 486 00:20:56,224 --> 00:20:59,861 - Yes. - Not intentionally? 487 00:21:01,050 --> 00:21:04,250 No, I guess... not. 488 00:21:04,261 --> 00:21:07,498 I'd still have to kill you. What choice would I have? 489 00:21:07,826 --> 00:21:11,536 What about "vampire shall not kill other vampire"? 490 00:21:11,547 --> 00:21:12,907 Guillermo, I don't like 491 00:21:12,918 --> 00:21:15,713 hypothetical brain-ticklers before bedtime. 492 00:21:15,724 --> 00:21:17,417 - You know this. - Right. 493 00:21:17,428 --> 00:21:19,174 Makes my head heat up. 494 00:21:19,385 --> 00:21:24,191 How's about a nice bedtime story? 495 00:21:24,202 --> 00:21:28,589 Okay. I did see this very interesting movie the other night. 496 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:31,698 - Oh, tell me. - It was about this guy. 497 00:21:31,709 --> 00:21:34,279 And he got turned into a vampire. 498 00:21:34,290 --> 00:21:35,901 - Really? - Yeah. 499 00:21:35,912 --> 00:21:37,862 But then he realizes that maybe 500 00:21:37,873 --> 00:21:41,178 he wasn't ready to be turned into a vampire. 501 00:21:41,189 --> 00:21:42,191 Why not? 502 00:21:43,388 --> 00:21:46,668 He had his reasons. But then he tries to find a way to 503 00:21:46,702 --> 00:21:48,694 stop the process of becoming a vampire and rever... 504 00:21:48,704 --> 00:21:50,038 Guillermo, please. 505 00:21:50,527 --> 00:21:54,576 I don't like science-fiction stories before bedtime either. 506 00:21:55,220 --> 00:21:57,546 - Yeah. - That reminds me. 507 00:21:57,769 --> 00:21:59,737 I got you a birthday present. 508 00:21:59,827 --> 00:22:02,541 I heard you when you said you wanted a footlocker. 509 00:22:02,552 --> 00:22:07,054 So I got you a footlocker. 510 00:22:07,065 --> 00:22:08,670 - Thank you, Master. - Yes. 511 00:22:08,681 --> 00:22:11,749 You are welcome. Close the lid. 512 00:22:24,079 --> 00:22:27,104 Being a vampire is no different than being a human. 513 00:22:27,194 --> 00:22:29,893 We're all just doing what it takes to survive. 514 00:22:33,566 --> 00:22:36,169 We go on about our day. 515 00:22:36,290 --> 00:22:37,292 Blend in. 516 00:22:39,087 --> 00:22:40,989 Act like everyone else. 517 00:22:43,627 --> 00:22:45,896 But the truth is 518 00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:47,908 we're all just hiding in plain sight. 519 00:22:50,897 --> 00:22:55,897 - Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 38681

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