All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.In.Philadelphia.S16E06.720p.WEB.h264-EDITH

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it ♪

♪ Do whatever you want ♪

♪ At Risk E. Rat's Pizza ♪

♪ Do whatever you want ♪

♪ Entertain, go crazy,
have fun, go nuts ♪

♪ At Risk E. Rat's Pizza ♪

♪ Do whatever you want ♪

♪ Do whatever you want. ♪

That hits.

I am so psyched that we're going back.

- Yeah, yes.
- Yeah, yeah.

You guys, I mean, arcade
games, pizza, comedy.

- What more do you want in a place?
- You can't beat it.

The best part about
Risk E. Rat's, though,

is that they make kids feel
like they're the ones in charge.

- Yeah...
- Totally.

Like, that's where
I became a man

and saw my first set of
boobies, at Risk E.'s.

- Really? - Uh-huh.
- Wait, what?

Wait a minute. Hold on.
I don't know about this.

Oh, yeah, dude,
Justine the Teen Dream.

She was one of the robots in
the Animatronic No Rules Band.

- You guys remember that?
- Yeah, of course.

Right, so if you got off
the Train to Kid City

and you snuck backstage, you
could see under her shirt

- just before she came out to perform.
- Ooh...

Uh, yeah, I
remember hearing about that,

but I thought that
was just a legend.

- That's real, dude.
- No, that was real, dude.

- You saw them?
- I saw 'em, I saw 'em.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- That was the fir-first set of boobs I ever saw

- since my mom's, so...
- Yeah.

Do they still have that
room where they paddle you

- if you're out of line?
- Oh, no, uh, in our day

they called it
the Time-Out Room.

And you would just
go and sit there

and fester in your candy-fueled
rage for about 20 minutes.

Then you learned your lesson,

and they'd send you back out
to unleash it on the kids.

Yeah, listen, at
the end of the day

it's all part of the fun.

I know, but speaking of
fun, let's keep the song...

- Yeah, yeah, turn the song back on.
- Yeah, crank that shit.

- Yeah, yeah, play it again.
- ♪ Cool ♪

- Here comes the...
- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it,
do whatever you want ♪

♪ At Risk E. Rat's Pizza,
do whatever you want. ♪

They really spruced
this place up, huh?

- Looks good.
- Yeah, yeah.

But it still sounds the
same, though, right?

But, boy, that noise sure
would send the parents running,

- wouldn't it?
- Yeah.

Oh, remember
when the moms would go

- in the padded bar?
- Oh, yeah, they soundproofed it.

Yeah, they soundproofed it
so you couldn't hear it.

- - Yeah.
- Oh, they would get hammered.

What you
got there, bozo?

Just need you to
sign these waivers.

Eh, no waivers, no.

I'm not really
supposed to let you in

unless you sign this.

Oh, yeah, well, listen.

Well, I agree it's
total bullshit

that we would have
to sign a waiver

and also that we
could bum-rush you

and there's nothing
you could do about it.

But you know what?
Listen, today

we're just gonna have fun,
we're not gonna do any of that.

We'll sign your goddamn waivers,

but I want you to know
that, for the record,

we're doing this under protest.

Sure, I don't care.

- Okay. Cool, man.
- Hey, here's a little something for you.

That's not my name.

Yeah, I just went...

There's a bottom
section, too... okay.

- All right, man.
- None of 'em are really...

Okay.

Mmm.

What the hell are you doing?

Drinking water.

What does it look
like I'm do...?

Get the hell out of here!

Frank, what...?

- I guess he's thirsty.
- Yeah.

All right, well, we have a few
hours before the show begins.

I was thinking I would
go redeem my old tickets

and then maybe play
some Skee-Ball.

- Yeah, good call, man. Nice. Have fun, have fun.
- Yeah?

- Get it, go ahead. Yo.
- Hey, uh, Charlie, um,

I can't get past

- this whole Justine the Teen Dream thing.
- Sure.

And this feeling that I just
missed out on my childhood.

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- And I'm just wondering if

- maybe you want to...
- Yes, I do.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, let's go.

Uh... Well, they're
gonna go check out

some animatronic titties, so...

Hey, you want to
do the joke hunt?

- Yeah! Did you have that when you were a kid?
- Yeah.

Where you search around for
the little pieces of cheese

and they have jokes attached?

Yeah, and if you got 'em all...

- Yeah.
- You'd get to meet Risk E. himself.

And he'd do his whole
routine for you.

Where he would smack
his kids in the head

because they were pieces of shit

and then he would
bust his brother

because he was a lazy drunk.

That was so funny.

Oh, yeah. I
mean, that, that's funny.

They changed it a
bit by-by the '80s.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I think they...

It was a little bit
more highbrow and, like,

um, uh, topical,

like, like, uh, like
diverse ethnic stuff.

Oh, ethnic, yeah. Racist.

Mm, no, no. Not, not racist.

Thinks like, um, you know,
like making fun of people

for not belonging here.

Right? Or like, like it's
funny when people sound funny

because they're, they
don't, they're not from...

they're not from here.

Yeah, because of their race.

Hmm, I don't think that
was it because it was like,

it's like a fish out of water...

- kind of...
- Uh, okay.

Satire? I don't know.

I can't wait to see
who the victims are

these days.

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Totally.
- Yeah. Let's go.

- Let's-let's go find some cheese.
- Let's... okay.

Let's go. Let's go this way.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

No more Game Boys, but
they do have a PlayStation.

That's an upgrade.

- Can I help you, sir?
- Ah, yes, you can.

I brought my tickets and
I'd like to make a purchase.

Where are your guns?

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, the gun section.

I'm very specifically
looking for Risk E.'s rifle.

It had a real heavy feel to it,

it was very realistic,
had a good smoky bang.

I used to put pebbles in there

and I could fire them, like,
right at Charlie's eye.

It was awesome.

Oh, uh, I don't think we
have anything like that.

We have an orange space laser.

What t he hell am I supposed to
do with an orange space laser?

Have you ever seen anybody use
a space laser in real life?

How do I simulate

real-world violence with
something like that?

Why would you want to
simulate real-world violence?

To get it out of
my system, bozo.

All right, fine. Forget it.

Just get me one of those, um...

switchblades that are combs.

I don't know what that is.

The switchblades
that become combs

that you can threaten
your friends with,

but then you don't know
whether it's a blade or a comb.

You know what I'm talking about?

Okay, how about
some of that, um...

can you get me some of that gum

that I can put in my mouth
and pretend like I got,

like, a big old fat lip and
spit all over the place?

You know what I'm
talking about? The...

I don't think we have those...

What about the candy cigarettes?
Give me candy cigarettes!

Those were discontinued
because cigarettes are illegal.

Okay, for Christ's sakes,

can you get me like...

the extra large
Atomic FireBalls?

I believe they were
considered a choking hazard.

Oh, my God, a-a
box of Nerds, nerd.

Now, Nerds.

Oh, you got those.

What the...?

What is, what is this?
Where's the mouse hall?

Hold on a second.

What, what? So you're telling
me they shut down the-the-the

Ride to Kid City
for a superstore?

I mean, there's
clearly no mouse hall.

There's no way to
access this thing.

- Dude, what are they doing, man?
- I don't know...

Also, okay, what's up
with the helmet, right?

Risk E. does
not wear a helmet, remember?

If he would fall and hit
his head, he would say...

"That's what the bone's for."

"That's what the
bone was for," right?

And he'd come up, he'd crack
you on the back of the head.

He'd smack you in
the back of the head.

- "That's what the bone is for!"
- "Bone is for!"

I mean, that was, like...

- part of the fun of it.
- It's unbelievable, man.

- Things change, I-I get that.
- Okay, fine.

- Things change, right?
- Yeah.

I mean, look, I don't
want to be that old guy

who's, like, complaining about
the way things used to be,

but, you know, I, uh...

- Want to see boobs.
- I just do.

You didn't get to see 'em,

and it was a big part
of the experience.

They knew that you needed that.

Risk E. knew that
you needed that.

They knew you were curious.
It wasn't a big deal.

- Yeah.
- The boys, they need something to as... you know.

Yeah, yeah. It's
great for the boys.

And it's also good for the
girls because then they know

what they're supposed
to look like.

It's aspirational.
I mean, this,

I don't think this is
the work of Risk E.

You know what I mean? Like...

I feel like Risk E.'s
walled off in there,

and-and I think

Risk E. would want us to
take a risk right now.

He would want us to do it.

Do it, whatever we
want. Watch my back.

- No one looking?
- Uh-huh.

Oh.

- Okay.
- All right.

Good, I think you... made
some headway, though.

These balls have
no weight to 'em.

Back in my day, you could crush
a man's skull with one of these.

Oh, hey, you're pretty good.

Thanks.

I'm going for 10,000 tickets.

Oh, yeah? Dude,
I got like 7,000.

What? How do you have so many?

I was really good
back in the day.

Better than you.

Oh, well, I only have 1,500.

Oh, you know what we should
do? We should pool our tickets,

and that way we can get, like,
the biggest prize they have.

Uh, I don't think you're
allowed to do that.

Yeah, you can.
This is America.

You can do whatever
the fuck you want.

You just cursed.

So what? We're in an arcade.

And there's no adults around.

Hey, do you know how much candy

we can get with
this many tickets?

I'm not allowed to eat candy.
I have to ask my parents.

You don't have to ask
your parents anything.

You can eat as much
candy as you want.

You're at Risk E. Rat's.
That's the whole point.

You can do whatever you want.

- I want my mom.
- You're not getting your mom!

Whoa! Everything
okay over here?

Looks like someone might
need to take a breather.

We don't need a breather.

All right? I'm
just...

I'm navigating
something with the kid.

'Cause you're a jerk.

You're a jerk, and
now we're in trouble,

and now we have to go
to the Time-Out Room.

I tell you what, I don't
care for these new scanners.

You know, it was just so much
cooler when they were like...

- Yeah.
- Little plastic pieces of cheese with the joke on 'em.

You'd read the joke and
toss it in the trash.

You know what they,
they used to do?

They used to put 'em
on the waitresses

without them knowing it.

- Really?
- Yeah, that was the fun thing,

because then you
could cop a feel

and they couldn't say anything

because if they did,
they'd lose their jobs.

- Yeah.
- That's terrible.

No, it was the
'50s. It was fine.

- Right.
- Yo, folks. Got your mozzarella sticks.

Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.

Please be careful, they're hot.

- Hmm.
- Are they hot, dork?

Are you trying to tell me that

these sticks of molten
cheese that just came out of

the deep fryer, they're hot?

Well, yeah, I don't
want you to get burned.

Thank you so much
for helping me out.

What'd I've done if
you weren't here?

Bye. Beat it. Bye, Jesse.

Sorry.

- I mean...
- I'm talking about it.

- Yeah.
- There's one.

- Ooh!
- I found it. Look, over there.

- Where?
- Right over there.

- Oh, my God. Ooh.
- Un-Un-Under the table.

He wasn't joking.

Hey, guys.

- You having a good time?
- Hey there, Dingbat Duck.

- Yes, we are.
- Uh, actually, it's Dapper Duck now.

How do you like the
delectable duds?

It's not Dapper Duck.
You're-you're Dingbat Duck.

Oh, hey, and where's your
stutter? That was your...

- the funny thing you did.
- Yeah, yeah, where-where's the...?

Oh, I don't stutter. I
have delightful diction.

No, you don't. No, you d...

you d-d-d-d-d-do-do
st-st-st-st-stutter.

And that's the only thing
that's funny about you.

- That was good.
- He's laughing.

- Yeah.
- See?

You were, you were the retard.

Whoa, whoa.

- What?
- Don't say... come on, don't say that.

Well, he's a duck.

I wouldn't say
that about a human.

But you're telling me I
can't say a duck is retarded?

- Yes.
- No? What do you mean?

Suppose he walked up here,
and his feet were on backwards

and his beak was on
the inside of his head,

what, then I could
call him retarded?

Well, no. Then
you're dealing with

a mutant duck, and
that's not funny.

But his whole shtick was that
he would drool and slobber

- and-and, you know, he was like...
- Yeah. Yeah.

He could b-b-b-b-b-b-barely get
the w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-words out.

- His mouth was retarded.
- Stop saying "retarded."

How dare you?

'Cause I didn't see anything
backstage and... Oh, shit.

Okay. Look, look,
look at, look at this.

Oh, man, this is, this is sad.

And they stuck 'em
all in storage, dude.

The whole band is here, dude.

You got Spaz the drummer,
Chef Greaseball Linguini.

- Oh.
- Dr. Slice

the Funky Funkosapien
or whatever he was.

Was he supposed to be Black?

- Yeah. I, yeah, I-I think so.
- Yeah.

And you know what? Now
that I think of it,

it's good that
they're updating that.

I mean, you can't have
a purple character

- that does a Black voice.
- Why not?

Well, because...

If you're gonna put a
Black person in the band,

it's got to be
representative of...

It was a white guy
doing the voice.

- That was the problem.
- Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.
- It was a white guy doing a Black voice...

- No, no, no, that's...
- in a purple costume.

That's not a good look,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
For sure, for sure.

Yeah, so...

But they are purple.

Who? What?

Monsters. You know, like...

- Monsters are purple?
- Yeah.

Blue, green, purple, orange,
and we can't just, like,

not have purple monsters
in bands anymore.

- All right, you know what? I...
- Oh, but they should have

- white voices.
- Well, they should have monster voices.

They should have monster voices

because we need
monster representation.

So we can't just
put them in boxes.

This is all very
complicated stuff, man.

- It is complicated, man.
- It's tough to navigate it, man.

I don't know what the answer
is, so I'm gonna move past it.

- I tell you what, I...
- All right, as long as they can still have

- groovy monsters, you know?
- Yeah.

Look at all this stuff.
Eh, tell you what,

some of this stuff brings
back a lot of memories.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

- Aw...
- Sweet Justine.

What have they done to you?

Oh, man.

Bam! Look at those.

Hey, you found her torso.

Yeah.

- Hey-hey.
- That looks crazy, man.

That is something
else, isn't it? Mmm.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, are you telling me that

there is a lifelike set of
animatronic breasts under there?

- I am, sir.
- Really?

- Yeah. Very accurate design.
- Huh.

- Uh, nipples.
- Interesting.

- All the curves.
- Fascinating.

- Yeah, wow, good.
- Yeah.

Yeah, okay. So I
will take, uh...

- Yeah.
- The shirt off.

- Let's, uh, let's pop it off.
- And, uh, I... hmm...

Hmm, I'm sorry, is
it wrong to do this?

If I'm being honest, it
feels wrong to me as well.

- Right, but why? Why would...?
- I don't know.

- Is it 'cause she's underage?
- No.

I mean, she's a
robot, man, like...

- Right. Robot.
- They're ageless.

Now, wait a second.

We could just be two mature men
with an interest in robotics.

This could be science
is what you're saying.

I think this is a
scientific experiment,

and that's one way
to look at it, and...

This is for the good of...
future robots, right?

So, for the good
of... science...

- Yeah.
- I'm just gonna

- go ahead and...
- Yeah.

I'm gonna
slide this down here.

Just for scientific
purposes we can... aah!

Oh, God!

That is...

- What?!
- How did they...?

These are not the boobs I
saw, dude, these are not them.

This is so disturbing.

They-they took her tits off.
They literally sanded 'em off!

- They mutilated this poor woman.
- That is disgusting.

Goddamn libs.

- Unbelievable.
- Oh, my God.

And this could be the
religious conservatives, too.

You know, y-you don't know.

- That's true.
- Which kind of...

Lopping tits off feels like a,
feels like a religious move.

- Yeah, that's some kind of like...
- I don't know anymore.

Everybody's crazy these days.

This is nuts, man. I'll
tell you what, though.

This is a sad day
for women's rights.

Now, Mac, tell us how
you're feeling right now.

Well, I... feel angry.

Is there anything else?

Yeah, I feel... misunderstood.

Unheard.

Thank you.

Sam, how are you feeling?

I feel stupid.

You are stupid. It's
'cause you're stupid.

- Shut up. - Now, Mac...
- You shut up.

- Mac.
- He's getting sassy.

- I was not being sassy.
- You were being sassy.

You... Okay, hey, guys.

Honestly, you were both
being a little sassy.

But right now I just want to
hear about Sam's emotions, okay?

Fine.

Thank you.

There's that sass that
I was talking about.

I feel like we're getting
stuck on the sass of it.

It's hard not to get
stuck in the sass.

- I understand.
- I'm mired in the sass

because the kid is so sassy.

Let's just let him
talk, and I feel

like it'll all sort itself out.

Fine.

As I was saying, I feel stupid
talking about my feelings.

Like, I don't want to be
in the Feelings Center.

That's not the point
of Risk E. Rat's.

- Hmm.
- We are on the same page there

'cause, like, this
isn't the point.

I don't want to be in the
Feelings Center either,

and, like, he's dead
right about Risk E. Rat's.

That's the whole point of it.

And...

I feel I just want to go
out there and have fun.

That's what I want to do, too.

I just want to play
and have fun, and...

- See?
- Good, good.

Hey, here's the question
about that, you guys.

Do we feel like
we've earned that?

Yes.

Okay, well, so do I.

- Let's get out there and have some fun, shall we?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We've only been here
for like five minutes.

That's not a punishment.
I-I don't feel punished.

Where-Where's the shame
I'm supposed to be feeling?

There's no shame in
making a mistake, Mac.

Yes, there is.

How else would I know
not to do it anymore?

Hey, listen, man. I'm a
licensed psychotherapist.

You're a talking
dog. I'm out of here.

- Great. - I'm scared.
- I'm sure you are, Sam.

I'm sure you are.

'Cause you're a pussy.

Now, look, look, man, that's...

- that's not your fault.
- Jesus Christ, man.

It's not your fault.
This dog, your parents,

the whole, the whole culture
is grooming you to be a pussy.

You got no freedom,

which means you got no balls.

And then, even when you
actually do get caught

doing something bad, you're
not held accountable.

And if you're not held
accountable, you feel no guilt.

If you feel no guilt,
you feel no shame.

If you got no shame...

you're never gonna
hate yourself enough

to stop being bad
and grow some balls.

You diddle this kid, you're
definitely on camera.

I don't know if you want
to be alone with him.

All right, this
is the last piece.

All right, what's it say?

"What does a nosy pepper do?"

- What?
- "It gets jalapeño business."

That's stupid. Let me see it.

Oh, I get it! You
know what it is?

You got to do it with an accent.

Uh, it gets
"all-up-in-yo" business.

- Get it?
- Yeah, well, that's funny.

- Yeah.
- 'Cause that's Black.

- That's Black.
- Well, n-not necessarily,

but it is sassy.

You just got to put
some sass on there.

It also could be
Mexican, I guess,

'cause of the jalapeño,
that's a Mexican pepper.

- Um, gets "hall-up-in-your" business, see?
- Oh, yeah, that...

I get it, but I got to
know who it's about.

I-I don't think
it's about anybody.

I think it's just
a-a play on words.

But I got to know
who the victim is

in order for me
to laugh at them.

Yeah, I'll tell you what,
in this scenario it's whites

because white people
are the only people

who don't have the accent
to pull off the joke.

- Well, that's racist.
- That is racist,

- and I don't appreciate it.
- That's very racist.

I'll tell you that
much right now.

Is this the satire
you're talking about?

I don't know. If
I'm being honest,

I don't 100% understand
what satire means.

Let's go through the jokes again.

- Yeah, it's not good now, man, you know?
- Yeah, it's the pits.

Really creepy, too.

Like, who are the
weirdos with the kids?

I think it's their parents.

- The parents should be in the bar.
- Charlie, there is no bar.

- What? Are you serious? They got rid of the bar?
- There's no bar?

Oh, that's crazy.

This was, like, one of the
best bars in town, man.

All right, all right,
you know what? Every...

Let's just, everybody calm down.

Okay? We're here, you know?
Let's give it another shot.

Right? The show's
about to begin.

That was always one
of the best parts

of this place anyway,
right? The show.

- Okay. Okay.
- Let's see if the show's good.

- One, one last shot.
- Hard to screw the show up.

They could redeem
themselves here.

Everybody
clap your hands

'cause it's time to party.

Here it comes.

- Okay. Okay.
- Party time, baby.

It's party time.

What are these?

- What's this?
- Earplugs? - Earphones?

- Are you serious?
- No, no, no, no, no.

- No, no, no, no. No.
- Get out of here.

I want to be able
to hear the show.

- Risk E., Risk E...
- This is a jam, right?

Has a good beat going.

Yeah, I like that
beat. That's it.

♪ It's time for magic and fun ♪

♪ Rocking out at
Robbie-pizza.com ♪

What the...?

Did he just say
Robbie-pizza.com?

- Did they change the name?
- They can't...

You cannot call a
place a website.

That's crazy.

He's not Risk E. anymore?

He's Robbie now?

This is so depressing,
but, g-guys, we c...

we can't wallow.

We got to do
something about this.

For the sake of the kids!

Okay. So here's what we do.

We recreate the old Risk E.'s
so that these kids can have

the same experience that
we had when we were younger

and they can perhaps
tell the tale.

That's exactly what
I was thinking.

Guys, let's get risky.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ It's time for action,
it's time for fun ♪

♪ You better move, get
off your butt and run ♪

- ♪ You're a kid, you make the
rules ♪ - ♪ Make the rules ♪

♪ Be rude, freak out,
and do something cool ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Do it, do it, do it,
do whatever you want ♪

♪ At Risk E. Rat's Pizza,
do whatever you want ♪

♪ Entertain, go crazy,
have fun, go nuts ♪

♪ At Risk E. Rat's Pizza,
do whatever you want ♪

♪ Do whatever you want ♪

♪ Do whatever you want. ♪

Wow. Those kids are jazzed.

- Wow!
- Yeah, man, we're all set here.

Guys, I got to say,
I think we've...

I think we've done something
pretty magical here today.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah!

Okay. On the count of three,

you open the doors
and let 'em in...

- Yeah.
- And I will throw this switch

and let the real fun begin.

- Yeah, baby.
- Ready?

That's the attitude, Frank.

- Let's do it, let's do it.
- Yeah, all right.

Three, two, one...

Fun!

Where's my son?!
Where's my son?!

They're standing
right over there. Go get them.

- Well, that got out of hand.
- Yeah.

Yeah, these kids, they just,

th-they weren't prepared
for that amount of fun.

You know what it is?

That's because they
were sheltered too much.

- Right.
- I'm glad that they signed the waiver, though.

Oh, right. No
lawsuits for them.

They can't do shit.

- Nobody can sue.
- Although you didn't, you didn't sign anything.

Ah, they won't find me.

- Hey, should we get out of here?
- Yes. - Probably, yes.

- Let's go, let's go.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's slip out.

Captioned by Media Access
Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org