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1
00:00:13,713 --> 00:00:15,214
Ted:
Kids, when you're single
2
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:18,217
All you're looking for
is happily ever after.
3
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,719
But only one of your stories
can end that way.
4
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:23,188
The rest end
with someone getting hurt.
5
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:27,526
This is one of those stories,
and it starts with a shirt.
6
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:28,528
A shirt?
7
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,162
Ted:
Just listen,
8
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,830
Because noneof this would have happened
9
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,866
If it hadn't beenfor that shirt.
10
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,968
Whoa.
11
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,171
Nice shirt.
12
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:40,806
Right? Right?
13
00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:41,874
Look at those colors.
14
00:00:41,876 --> 00:00:43,909
Green and brown,
together at last.
15
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,811
Hot top, bro!
Is it new?
16
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,079
That's the crazy part.
17
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,881
I've had this shirt
for, like, six years.
18
00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,816
Until this morning,
I wasn't into it at all,
19
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,185
But now, it's like
my tastes have changed.
20
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:53,852
Booger.
21
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,220
Yes, hello, barney.
22
00:00:55,222 --> 00:00:56,422
Robin:
Barney's offered me
23
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:59,591
50 bucks to say some stupid word
on a live news report.
24
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,061
Not some stupid word. "booger."
25
00:01:02,695 --> 00:01:04,029
But I'm not doing it.
26
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:04,897
I am a journalist.
27
00:01:04,899 --> 00:01:06,665
What?! Journalist?!
28
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,168
You do the little fluff pieces
at the end of the news.
29
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,837
Old people. Babies. Monkeys.
30
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:12,938
That's not journalism.
31
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,940
That's just...
Things in a diaper.
32
00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:19,511
For your information, my boss
is about to bump me up to...
33
00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:21,013
The city hall beat.
34
00:01:21,015 --> 00:01:22,848
City hall? Miss thing.
35
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:25,851
So I'm not going
to jeopardize my promotion
36
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,619
By saying "booger" for 50 bucks.
37
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,921
Of course not.
38
00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:31,023
'Cause now
you're saying "nipple,"
39
00:01:31,025 --> 00:01:32,491
And it's a hundred.
40
00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,994
Step into my web.
41
00:01:36,796 --> 00:01:38,097
Mmm!
42
00:01:38,099 --> 00:01:39,398
Whose bourbon is this?
43
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,633
Ooh, I don't know.
It was here when we sat down.
44
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,801
Gahhh...
45
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,036
The point is...
46
00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:45,604
I seem to like bourbon now.
47
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,406
I could've sworn
I hated bourbon.
48
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,274
First the shirt, now bourbon.
49
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:52,444
I spent 27 years making up
my mind about things, right?
50
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,912
The movie I saw once and hated;
51
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,280
The city I'll never go back to
52
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:56,815
'cause it was raining
the day I visited.
53
00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,052
Maybe it's time to start
forming some second impressions.
54
00:02:00,054 --> 00:02:02,387
You're finally gonna
watch goonies again?
55
00:02:02,389 --> 00:02:04,990
"Sloth love chunk."
56
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,926
Not goonies. Girls.
57
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:09,294
What if there's
someone from my past
58
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,597
Who I thought was wrong
for me at the time,
59
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:14,133
When in fact she,
like this shirt,
60
00:02:14,135 --> 00:02:16,235
Is actually a perfect fit?
61
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:17,903
Hold up.
There are only two reasons
62
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:20,105
To ever date a girl
you've already dated:
63
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,107
Breast... Implants.
64
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,942
You know, this isn't a bad idea.
65
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,310
Let's think...
66
00:02:25,312 --> 00:02:27,679
Ted's greatest hits.
67
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,414
What about that girl steph?
68
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,617
Steph...
69
00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,018
Okay, this is difficult to say:
70
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,520
Back when I lived
71
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,488
In I.A., I was pretty broke,
72
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:40,125
So I spent a month
making adult films.
73
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,829
Wow. Okay...
74
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:44,963
How... How many did you make?
75
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,231
175.
76
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:50,969
Say what you will
about the porn industry,
77
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,038
They're hard workers.
78
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,741
What about that
chick, um... Jackie?
79
00:02:56,442 --> 00:02:57,442
And my bathing suit
80
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:59,044
Had fallen completely off.
81
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,145
( Both laughing )
82
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:02,047
I know the feeling.
Once,
83
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,049
When I was 16, I was driving,
84
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,951
And I hit this hitchhiker.
85
00:03:05,953 --> 00:03:06,953
Don't know what
86
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,854
Happened to him...
just kept driving.
87
00:03:08,856 --> 00:03:10,122
( Iaughing )
88
00:03:11,391 --> 00:03:13,125
Uh... No.
89
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:15,894
What about natalie?
90
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:19,031
All:
Natalie...
91
00:03:19,033 --> 00:03:19,865
Who's natalie?
92
00:03:19,867 --> 00:03:21,633
Natalie.
93
00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:24,169
I had so manyfond memories of her:
94
00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:26,171
The tea candles on her dresser,
95
00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:29,007
The sock monkey collectionon her bed,
96
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:32,077
That one belle & sebastiansong she always listened to,
97
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,247
Her smile...
98
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,916
Man, I haven't seen her
in, like, three years.
99
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,251
Well, why'd you guys break up?
100
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,486
I just wasn't looking for
a big commitment at the time.
101
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,488
Of course, now a big commitment
doesn't seem so bad.
102
00:03:43,490 --> 00:03:44,556
Maybe I should call her.
103
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,657
What do you guys think?
104
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:49,094
You dumped a porn star?
105
00:03:49,562 --> 00:03:50,696
Friendship over.
106
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,165
Friendship over!
107
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:56,535
( Knocking at door )
108
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,036
Come in!
All right,
109
00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,371
Get back to me, then.
110
00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,206
You wanted to see me, mr. Adams.
111
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,007
Yes, I did.
112
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:04,776
I need you to cover a story.
113
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,178
It's down at city hall.
114
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:08,213
City hall?
115
00:04:08,215 --> 00:04:09,681
Oh, my god.
116
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,016
( Exhilarated sigh )
117
00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:13,752
So, next time you're
passing city hall,
118
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,922
Make sure and stop by new
york's oldest hot dog cart.
119
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,958
Today, a delicious hot
dog will cost you $2.50.
120
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,695
But, back when the stand
first opened, in 1955,
121
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,964
You could get one
for only a nipple.
122
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,533
Reporting live, robin trubotsky,
123
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:30,235
Metro news 1.
124
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:32,371
I said "nipple" on the news.
125
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,405
That was so unprofessional!
126
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,474
I said "nipple" on the news!
127
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,242
At least it's
better than "booger."
128
00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,443
( laughs )
129
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,878
Booger.
130
00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:43,215
( Knocking) there she is.
131
00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:45,050
Hey, is it cold in here?
132
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,985
'Cause I can kinda see
robin's nickels.
133
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,220
( Chuckling )
134
00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:51,556
Now, for your next challenge...
135
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:53,091
There is not going
to be another challenge.
136
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:54,226
I don't care how much
you offer me.
137
00:04:54,228 --> 00:04:57,062
Oh, search your soul, robin.
138
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,298
You and I both know
this wasn't about the money.
139
00:04:59,300 --> 00:05:02,000
Sure, metro news 1
pays you jack,
140
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,436
And, hey, a little
green salad on the side
141
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:07,005
Is good for you, me,
and mr. Mcgee.
142
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:08,840
Seriously, who talks like that?
143
00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:11,109
What baby really likes
144
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,577
Is the thrill
of pulling one over
145
00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:15,847
On those bean counters
who underappreciate you,
146
00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:17,849
And still haven't promoted you,
147
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:20,319
And so, for two
more hundie sticks,
148
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:23,388
Baby's going to look in
the camera and say this.
149
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,657
Eww!
150
00:05:26,592 --> 00:05:28,327
I'm just assuming.
151
00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,295
I gotta go back to work.
152
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:33,031
See ya.
Bye.
153
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,933
Baby's gonna think about it.
154
00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:35,935
( Clicks tongue )
155
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,171
Found it!
156
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,039
I found natalie's number.
157
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,140
Hey, ted! Nice shirt!
158
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,376
Is it yesterday already?
159
00:05:45,878 --> 00:05:47,379
I am calling her.
160
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,480
This is crazy.
161
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,149
I haven't talked to her
in, like, three years.
162
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,951
Wonder if she even remembers me.
163
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,220
( Phone ringing )
164
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,222
Hello.
165
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,322
Natalie.
166
00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,157
It's ted mosby.
167
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,059
Go to hell.
168
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,964
She remembers me.
169
00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:11,803
Why would natalie
170
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,138
Hang up on you?
I don't know.
171
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,639
Did you sleep with her sister?
172
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:15,807
No.
173
00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,742
Did you sleep with her mom?
174
00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:17,709
No.
175
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,978
I'm losing interest
in your story.
176
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:22,881
Well, you must
have done something.
177
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,082
Why did you guys break up?
178
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,251
He wasn't ready
for a commitment.
179
00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,386
Uh-huh.
180
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:30,889
And her birthday
might've been coming up.
181
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,591
( Suspiciously ):
Uh-huh...
182
00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,359
Okay, so I didn't want to get
a boyfriend-level gift
183
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,660
For a girl I was just about
to break up with.
184
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:39,097
So you dumped her
right before her birthday?
185
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:42,934
No, I didn't dump her
right before her birthday.
186
00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,737
Uh-oh.
187
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,838
Natalie! Hey.
188
00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:49,775
Happy birthday.
189
00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,042
Listen...
190
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,611
( in rhythm):
Never break up with a girl
191
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,413
On her birthday!
192
00:06:54,415 --> 00:06:55,781
Lily, please! The shirt!
193
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:56,681
I know!
194
00:06:56,683 --> 00:06:57,916
It was a mistake!
195
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,585
Well, did she cry her eyes out?
196
00:07:00,587 --> 00:07:01,587
I don't know.
197
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,222
How do you not...?!
198
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,425
Oh, you didn't.
199
00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:10,462
Natalie! Hey, happy birthday.
200
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:12,330
Listen...
201
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:15,634
You're awesome.
202
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,135
You really are.
203
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,870
Awesome.
204
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,640
I'm just like super-busy
right now, so...
205
00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:26,244
Maybe we should just...
Call it a day.
206
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:28,113
But you're awesome.
207
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,782
On her answering machine!?
208
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,717
Lily, come on.
And on her birthday?!
209
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:35,120
Oh, who breaks up with somebody
210
00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,889
On their answering machine
on their birthday?!
211
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,391
Yeah, dude. E-mail.
212
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:42,928
Not exactly the point
I was trying to make, marshall.
213
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:45,797
That is a terrible way
to break up with someone.
214
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,833
Okay, in my client's defense,
215
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:48,835
Is there an unterrible
216
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,302
Way to break up
with somebody? No.
217
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:53,472
Personally, I'd rather hear the
bad news on an answering machine
218
00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:54,906
Than face
the humiliation in person.
219
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,842
It's the least painful
way you can do it.
220
00:07:56,844 --> 00:07:57,909
Who are you calling?
221
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,478
Hi, marshall. It's lily.
222
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,847
We're not gonna have sex
for at least a month,
223
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:02,781
But you're awesome.
224
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:03,849
Okay, bye-bye.
225
00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,617
No, that was
226
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:06,651
A big mistake, ted.
227
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:07,819
You should've done it in person.
228
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,287
Thank you.
229
00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:12,491
Desperate, please-don't-leave-me
sex is amazing.
230
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:15,293
Okay, it was childish
and stupid.
231
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,429
I just... I didn't want
to see her cry.
232
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:19,698
Well, guess what? She cried.
233
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,934
You just didn't have the sack
to face those tears.
234
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,536
That was me then, okay?
235
00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,639
This is the new, old-shirt-
wearing, sack-having ted.
236
00:08:27,641 --> 00:08:28,874
I'm gonna make this right.
237
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:30,509
You know what else?
"my younger sister
238
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,644
Just got married,
and I'm about to turn 30" sex.
239
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,113
Fantastic.
240
00:08:36,315 --> 00:08:38,550
An occasion that
was supposed to be joyous
241
00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:41,720
Suddenly turned tragic
when ethel and sadie margolis,
242
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,221
New york's oldest twins,
243
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,524
Suddenly passed away on this,
244
00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:48,560
The eve of their 100th birthday.
245
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:51,496
I'm a dirty, dirty girl.
246
00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:52,898
( Flatly ):
Ow.
247
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:56,968
Reporting live,
robin trubotsky, metro news 1.
248
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,671
Clear.
249
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,307
Joel adams wants
to see you in his office.
250
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:05,644
Before you say anything,
251
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:09,247
I just want to say I really like
working here at metro news 1.
252
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:12,050
That's great.
So, my dog keeps going
253
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:15,687
( throaty, high-pitchedgrowling )
254
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,188
What's...?
What?
255
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,190
You have dogs, right?
256
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,858
What do you think that means?
257
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:20,926
Take him to the vet?
258
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:21,928
( Sputters)
259
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,862
Genius.
260
00:09:23,864 --> 00:09:25,864
That's one I owe you.
261
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,532
Was that all?
262
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:28,567
Yeah.
263
00:09:31,537 --> 00:09:33,104
And nothing
about the twins story?
264
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,373
Oh, yeah, great job on that one.
New york loves you.
265
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:36,675
You're a superstar. Bye-bye.
266
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,778
That's when robin realized
267
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:44,282
No one, not even her boss,watched metro news 1.
268
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,651
( doorbell ringing )
269
00:09:54,226 --> 00:09:55,360
Hi.
270
00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,563
( Knocking )
271
00:09:58,565 --> 00:09:59,731
Natalie! Come on!
272
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,066
I just want to say I'm sorry.
273
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,802
I only came down here 'cause
you wouldn't take my call.
274
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,136
Hey, here's an idea...
275
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,138
Why don't you leave a message?
276
00:10:08,074 --> 00:10:09,274
( Forced laugh)
277
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:10,642
Good one.
278
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,979
Okay, fine, I'm just going
to leave this sock monkey here.
279
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,680
Good-bye.
280
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:22,253
( Shrieks)
natalie... Okay! Okay!
281
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:25,090
Look, look, look.
I know you're mad, but...
282
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:26,092
Happy birthday.
283
00:10:26,093 --> 00:10:27,392
Three years ago.
284
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:30,261
Oh, yeah?
Up yours three years ago.
285
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:33,131
Look, look, I was an idiot
leaving that message.
286
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,899
I realize how much that sucked.
287
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:36,968
No, you don't.
288
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,105
Maybe we should
just call it a day.
289
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:43,308
But you're awesome.
290
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:46,211
Okay, bye.
291
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,415
( Weakly ):
Surprise.
292
00:10:52,084 --> 00:10:54,019
There was a surprise party
that night?
293
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,087
How come nobody told me?
294
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,057
People think I can't keep
a secret, but I totally can.
295
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,359
Sorry, not the issue.
296
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,429
Look, natalie, I was just
a stupid kid back then,
297
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:05,864
Terrified of commitment.
298
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,198
And I suppose
you're suddenly ready
299
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,034
To get married and settle down.
300
00:11:09,036 --> 00:11:11,269
Well, yeah, actually.
301
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,271
I'm a different guy now.
302
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:16,141
Give me another chance, huh?
303
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:19,210
You must think I have
absolutely no self-respect.
304
00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:21,513
Come on, just a cup of coffee.
305
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,050
( High-pitched voice):
Please, natalie.
306
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:26,885
Give the guy a chance.
307
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:30,088
Self-respect is overrated.
308
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:33,958
( Acoustic pop song plays )
309
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,493
( sighs)
310
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:38,029
Wow.
311
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,298
Maybe it was the caffeine,
but you really
312
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:42,400
Brought your game up
to a whole new level.
313
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,535
Thanks.
314
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,403
I did just start
subscribing to esquire.
315
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:47,972
They have some helpful columns.
316
00:11:47,974 --> 00:11:52,077
The following is from
the October issue.
317
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:55,246
So natalie and Istarted dating again.
318
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,549
And just like that,it all came back.
319
00:11:57,551 --> 00:11:59,017
The tea candles...
320
00:11:59,019 --> 00:12:01,019
The sock monkeys...
321
00:12:01,021 --> 00:12:03,555
Belle and sebastian, all of it.
322
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:07,158
It seemed like happily everafter wasn't far off.
323
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:08,193
Well, I better run.
324
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,528
I have my krav maga class
in half an hour.
325
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:13,064
Krav maga. How cool is it
that she does krav maga?
326
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,032
Thanks, honey.
327
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:15,567
Mmm!
328
00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:16,935
Bye, guys.
329
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:19,170
Bye.
Bye.
Take it easy.
330
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,239
Dude, what's krav maga?
331
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:24,109
I have no idea.
Some kind of yoga?
332
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:26,678
You know, that natalie,
she's good times.
333
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,080
Yeah, she's, like, the best
girl you've dated in years.
334
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,281
Yeah, ted, hold on to that one.
335
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:35,120
Yeah.
I have to break up with her.
336
00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,258
I don't get it, man.
Natalie's awesome.
337
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:44,095
I know, she's terrific,
but I have to break up with her.
338
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:47,799
( In rhythm):
Why couldn't you leave
that poor girl alone?
339
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,801
I know. I hate this.
340
00:12:49,803 --> 00:12:51,469
These past three weeks
have been great.
341
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:55,206
I should be in love with her,
but I'm not feeling that thing.
342
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,808
It's ineffable.
343
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:57,976
Ineffable.
344
00:12:57,978 --> 00:12:59,477
Good word.
345
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:01,479
So when are you going to do it?
346
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,081
She's probably on
the subway by now.
347
00:13:03,083 --> 00:13:04,482
You could call her voice mail:
348
00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:07,619
Beep! "dumped."
click. Done.
349
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:09,220
No, I have to do this
face-to-face.
350
00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:11,089
I just, I don't know
what I'm going to say.
351
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,057
"I'm not ready
for a commitment."
352
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:15,059
Oh, that's such a cliché.
353
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,594
It's not a cliché,
it's a classic.
354
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:19,097
It's the "stairway to heaven"
of breakup lines.
355
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:22,233
Well, I think natalie
deserves better.
356
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,769
Better. There's no "better"
in breaking up.
357
00:13:24,771 --> 00:13:26,504
There's only "less awful."
358
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,339
A cliché is a cliché
for a reason.
359
00:13:28,341 --> 00:13:30,175
It's comforting.
360
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:33,578
I already told her I am ready
for a commitment, so...
361
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,180
Oh, my god.
There's no way out.
362
00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:36,347
I'm gonna have to marry her.
363
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,750
No, no, we're gonna
get you out of this.
364
00:13:38,752 --> 00:13:42,420
Okay, how about...
"it's not you, it's me"?
365
00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:44,022
Mm, mm, six words...
366
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,624
"you look fat
in those jeans."
367
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:47,759
You're free to go.
368
00:13:47,761 --> 00:13:51,596
Ted, have you considered
telling her the truth?
369
00:13:52,264 --> 00:13:54,165
( Iaughing )
370
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,267
Seriously, honey,
men are working here.
371
00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:57,669
Ted, what is the truth?
372
00:13:57,671 --> 00:14:00,104
Why do you want
to break up with her?
373
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,707
The truth?
She's not the one.
374
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,175
So tell her that.
375
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,444
Oh, you can't tell her that.
That's horrible.
376
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:09,047
Why? What is so
horrible about that?
377
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,349
Yeah, what is so
horrible about that?
378
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,650
She's not the one.
379
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,053
Why is that such
a heartbreaking thing to hear?
380
00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:17,622
The chances of one person being
another person's "the one"
381
00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,657
Are like six billion to one.
382
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,360
Yeah, you have better chances
of winning the lottery.
383
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,895
Exactly!
You wouldn't take it personally
384
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,163
If you lost the lottery.
385
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,831
All right, man,
tell her the truth.
386
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,867
She's gonna cry.
387
00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,201
Yeah, and he's gonna sit there
388
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,303
And he's gonna
take it like a man.
389
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:33,872
I have to do the mature thing.
390
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,373
Want to talk mature?
391
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,308
I just wrapped up
a live newscast
392
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,978
By honking my own boobs.
393
00:14:39,980 --> 00:14:42,447
And great tv was had by all.
394
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:46,084
All right, trubotsky,
new challenge,
395
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,086
And this one's big.
396
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,220
But so is the cash reward.
397
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,256
For $1,000...
398
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,057
You heard me...
all you have to do
399
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,192
Is get up there on the news
400
00:14:54,194 --> 00:14:55,927
And do one of these.
401
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,103
What the hell is that?
402
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,005
Ted, lily, marshall:
The ickey shuffle.
403
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,073
And as you do it, you say this:
404
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,275
"elbert ickey woods,
405
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:13,278
"the bengals were fools
to cut you in '91.
406
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,580
"Your 1,525 rushing yards
407
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:18,049
"and your 27 touchdowns
will not be forgotten.
408
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:22,453
So coach dave shula, screw you
and your crappy steakhouse."
409
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,890
Just write it down for me.
410
00:15:25,892 --> 00:15:27,258
What do I care?
It's not like
411
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,460
Anyone's watching,
anyway, right?
412
00:15:31,363 --> 00:15:34,265
Man, she's gonna cry.
413
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:38,269
It's the law of love, chunk.
414
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,605
Thanks, lil.
415
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,775
So, the next night, I tooknatalie out to dinner...
416
00:15:45,611 --> 00:15:49,113
Look, uh, natalie, there's
something I have to say.
417
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,248
Oh, wait, wait.
418
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,883
There's something
I have to say first.
419
00:15:51,885 --> 00:15:53,952
Today, at work,
I had not one, not two,
420
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:55,987
But three birthday cakes.
421
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:58,056
So tonight, can we
just skip the cake?
422
00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,291
Today's your birthday?
423
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,061
Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't
telling anyone about it.
424
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,595
Today's your birthday!
425
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,597
I...
426
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:10,068
I didn't get you anything.
427
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,736
Oh, it's okay.
428
00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:14,806
You know, you've already given
me the best present of all.
429
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:19,077
I can trust again.
430
00:16:21,113 --> 00:16:22,680
You're welcome.
431
00:16:27,486 --> 00:16:29,887
Oh, sir, much more wine.
432
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:39,764
Henry, as new york's
oldest hansom cab driver,
433
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,132
You've seen quite a lot.
434
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:43,501
In your past
60 years on the job,
435
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,870
What is your most
exciting memory?
436
00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:47,705
Well...
437
00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:48,673
Ah, this is it.
438
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:49,941
Oh, boy, here we go.
439
00:16:49,943 --> 00:16:51,175
Everyone, everyone,
440
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,977
If I may direct your attention
to the television.
441
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:56,614
You are about to see
something amazing.
442
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:58,049
And then, in '72,
443
00:16:58,051 --> 00:17:01,119
Mickey mantle rode my cab
444
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:03,888
For the fourth time.
445
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:06,190
Come on, baby.
Bring it home.
446
00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:09,027
But the most exciting moment...
447
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,897
That would have to be
this one, right now.
448
00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:14,632
What?
449
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:17,668
Look at me.
I'm on tv.
450
00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,838
I never thought I'd
have my story told.
451
00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:24,876
Thank you, miss robin trubotsky.
452
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:26,744
Thank you.
453
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,679
And right then,aunt robin realized
454
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,882
How important her job truly was.
455
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,651
It's an honor
to tell your
story, henry.
456
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,386
You know, metro news one
457
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:38,189
May not be number
one in viewership,
458
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,992
But this reporter
takes pride in...
459
00:17:40,994 --> 00:17:42,093
Whoa! Oh...!
460
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:45,229
Oh, my god, I'm covered
in horse crap!
461
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,765
Oh, my... It's in my hair.
462
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,700
You planned that?
463
00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,502
Ow, my knee! Ow!
No, marshall.
464
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,739
That was beyond
my wildest dreams.
465
00:17:55,874 --> 00:17:58,409
So, if you ever come to alabama,
466
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,212
My mom throws
these huge crawfish boils,
467
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,848
And she's just dying
to meet you, by the way.
468
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,383
Look, natalie, there's
something I have to say,
469
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,118
And, uh, there's
no good way to say it.
470
00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:10,088
I want to break up.
471
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:13,191
I don't think
you're the one for me.
472
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:15,726
I don't want to waste your time,
473
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,061
Because I really like you.
474
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,429
I want to do right by you,
475
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:22,033
And I think the best way for me
to do that is just to be honest.
476
00:18:22,035 --> 00:18:24,368
I'm sorry.
477
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,906
Oh, god, just let it out.
478
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,843
They're only tears.
479
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:36,547
Aah!
480
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,483
I'm not the one for you?!
481
00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:40,051
I'm sorry, I just...
482
00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:41,752
I-I-I thought the mature
thing to do...
483
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,954
It's my birthday!
484
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,155
Yes, I know.
I didn't realize...
485
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,423
It's my birthday,
486
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,325
And you're telling me
I'm not the one for you?!
487
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,427
It's really not such a big deal.
488
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:52,763
I mean, the odds...
it's like you lost the lottery.
489
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,966
Oh, so dating you is like
winning the lottery?!
490
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,667
No, no, no, no,
I didn't mean that.
491
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,169
Okay, so what's the problem?!
492
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,671
I... I... I can't explain it.
493
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:01,472
Try!
494
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,641
It's... Ineffable.
495
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:06,144
I'm not eff able?
496
00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:07,945
No, no, no, no. "ineffable."
497
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:10,248
"ineffable" means
it can't be explained.
498
00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:11,449
Oh, so I'm stupid?
499
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,151
Oh, god, what's going on?
500
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:15,686
Okay, what's going on
is you broke my heart
501
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,688
Over my answering machine
502
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,123
On my birthday,
503
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:22,126
Waited three years
for me to get over you,
504
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:24,462
Tracked me down, begged me
to go out with you again,
505
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,164
Only so you could dump me
506
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,966
Three weeks later,
again, on my birthday!
507
00:19:28,968 --> 00:19:31,536
No, it's-it's-it's not
like that.
508
00:19:31,538 --> 00:19:33,671
I'm just... It's-it's-it's...
509
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:34,605
What?!
510
00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:37,808
I'm just, like,
super busy right now.
511
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,044
Remember when natalie said...
512
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,880
I have my krav maga class
in half an hour.
513
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,716
Turns out krav magais not a kind of yoga.
514
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:47,485
It's a formof guerrilla street fighting
515
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,187
Developed by the israeli army.
516
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,756
( grunts )
517
00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:55,693
This is compliments
518
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,228
Of those two gentlemen
at the bar.
519
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,497
( Mockingly ):
My knee!
520
00:19:59,499 --> 00:20:02,133
It's in my hair!
521
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,104
But isn't it nice to know
people are watching?
522
00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:11,642
Marshall:
Oh, my god.
523
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,144
Are you all right?
524
00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:14,645
Lily:
What happened
to you?
525
00:20:14,647 --> 00:20:16,180
I told the truth.
526
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:20,051
Turns out the truth has
a mean roundhouse kick.
527
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:21,352
Oh, man.
528
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:23,187
Oh, well, you did
the right thing.
529
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:24,088
I'm proud of you.
530
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,890
I'm bleeding internally.
531
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,826
Hey, ted, you know what always
picks me up when I'm down?
532
00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:29,860
Other people's misfortune.
533
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:31,062
You missed something so amazing.
534
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,597
Please,
can we just have one person
535
00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,332
In this whole bar
who didn't see it?
536
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,566
( Sighs):
Fine.
537
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,034
Are you okay?
538
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,936
I really thought I was doing it
539
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:40,271
The good way this time.
540
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:41,872
I guess there is no good way.
541
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,107
Sometimes,
542
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:45,943
No matter how hard you
try to do the right thing,
543
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,945
You just end up
flat on your back,
544
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,214
Flailing around in
a big pile of horse crap.
545
00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:51,216
You saw it?
546
00:20:51,217 --> 00:20:53,050
My phone gets the internet now.
547
00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,019
( Chuckling)
548
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,754
It's okay...
549
00:20:56,756 --> 00:20:59,423
And that's howit ended with natalie.
550
00:20:59,425 --> 00:21:02,293
No happily ever after,just a whole lot of hurt.
551
00:21:02,295 --> 00:21:04,095
And just like that,
552
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:07,932
All those wonderful memorieswere replaced... By this one.
553
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,900
But, you know,bad as that night was,
554
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:11,736
Within a year,natalie was married.
555
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:14,272
And now she hasthree beautiful children.
556
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,240
So that's the upside of hurt.
557
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,909
Sometimes it happensfor a reason.
558
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,878
Wow.
559
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:23,914
So you got beat up by a girl?
560
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:26,250
Is that all you're taking away
from this story?
561
00:21:26,252 --> 00:21:29,120
You got beat up by a girl.
562
00:21:29,122 --> 00:21:31,622
Hey, she knew krav maga.
36862
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