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1
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:06,105
Come on in.
2
00:00:14,447 --> 00:00:17,216
This is great, you know.
You really got to meet Debra.
3
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,151
I could've signed the book for
you at the store, you know.
4
00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:20,686
Yeah, but she's a big
basketball fan.
5
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,654
Come on, this will be fun,
come on.
6
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:28,427
Jeez, maybe I should just leave a
signed basketball or something.
7
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:29,461
No, no, no.
This will be great.
8
00:00:29,463 --> 00:00:31,397
Watch this.
9
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,065
Deb, Deb--
10
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:35,100
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
11
00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:38,437
Who's your favorite basketball
player of all time?
12
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,773
Michael Jordan.
13
00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,776
No, no, no, no.
14
00:00:43,778 --> 00:00:45,811
Retired,
retired basketball player?
15
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:48,047
Oh, Larry Bird.
16
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:53,752
He played for the Lakers.
17
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,821
Wilt Chamberlain.
18
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,659
You know, this isn't my house.
19
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:03,595
That's what it is.
20
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,297
I want my book back.
21
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:08,167
Kareem, come on,
I'll make you something to eat.
22
00:01:09,502 --> 00:01:10,669
Hi, I'm Ray.
23
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:14,773
I live here in Long Island
with my wife, Debra--
24
00:01:14,797 --> 00:01:17,197
She's great with the kids,
the house, everything.
25
00:01:17,221 --> 00:01:19,074
Oh, I don't know
how she does it.
26
00:01:19,075 --> 00:01:23,616
We've got a daughter, Ally,
and twin two-year-old boys.
27
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,240
It's not really about the kids.
28
00:01:27,318 --> 00:01:29,821
My parents live
across the street.
29
00:01:29,845 --> 00:01:31,422
That's right.
30
00:01:31,423 --> 00:01:33,722
And my brother lives with them.
31
00:01:34,024 --> 00:01:37,625
Now, not every family would go by
on a conveyer belt for you,
32
00:01:37,649 --> 00:01:39,449
but mine would,
because--
33
00:01:39,473 --> 00:01:41,328
Everybody loves Raymond.
34
00:01:41,329 --> 00:01:43,263
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,411
Did you hear Howie Simon's son
36
00:01:51,413 --> 00:01:54,247
sold one of those funny little
anecdotes to "reader's digest"?
37
00:01:54,249 --> 00:01:56,649
Yeah, okay, good.
Good for him.
38
00:01:56,651 --> 00:02:00,153
That's $50.
39
00:02:00,155 --> 00:02:02,555
Yeah?
40
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:05,658
So why can't you
do something like that?
41
00:02:05,660 --> 00:02:07,227
Dad, I'm a writer, dad.
42
00:02:07,229 --> 00:02:09,629
The newspaper pays me
to write full-time.
43
00:02:09,631 --> 00:02:11,331
Look, I'm not talking
about the sports column;
44
00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:12,398
That's great.
45
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,168
I'm talking on the side.
46
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:18,838
Funny anecdotes on the side?
47
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,574
Yeah, that's free money
for you.
48
00:02:21,576 --> 00:02:22,575
Okay.
49
00:02:22,577 --> 00:02:24,644
Here.
Lamb chops.
50
00:02:24,646 --> 00:02:26,913
Aw, mom, I got dinner!
She's cooking--
51
00:02:26,915 --> 00:02:28,615
All right, one.
52
00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,551
Look, dad,
thanks for the advice,
53
00:02:31,553 --> 00:02:34,420
But I'm not writing anything
for "reader's digest."
54
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:37,190
You can afford
to turn down extra cash?
55
00:02:37,192 --> 00:02:39,826
I'm talking on the side.
56
00:02:39,828 --> 00:02:43,196
Oh, the mint jelly.
Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
57
00:02:43,198 --> 00:02:45,532
Here, right here.
58
00:02:45,534 --> 00:02:48,601
We're talking
the "digest" here, Ray.
59
00:02:48,603 --> 00:02:49,702
You know the kind of talent
60
00:02:49,704 --> 00:02:52,172
It takes to take a novel
like this--
61
00:02:52,174 --> 00:02:54,807
And put it
on a page and a half?
62
00:02:54,809 --> 00:02:55,942
That's writing.
63
00:02:55,944 --> 00:02:57,944
All right, enough already, dad.
64
00:02:57,946 --> 00:02:59,679
Look, if you like
the magazine so much,
65
00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:01,514
Why don't you go write
something for it yourself?
66
00:03:01,516 --> 00:03:02,849
What do you mean?
67
00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:05,518
Yeah, he's right.
68
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,720
Why don't you get off your
rear end and do it yourself?
69
00:03:07,722 --> 00:03:09,455
I think it's a very good idea.
70
00:03:09,457 --> 00:03:10,557
- You do?
- Uh-huh.
71
00:03:10,559 --> 00:03:12,425
I tell you what;
72
00:03:12,427 --> 00:03:15,261
I'm going to go home
and fake hunger.
73
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,531
Oh.
74
00:03:18,533 --> 00:03:19,732
Give me that chop.
75
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,240
The "reader's digest."
76
00:03:27,242 --> 00:03:30,577
They do have some funny stuff
in there. Heh, heh, heh.
77
00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:43,323
If you're happy
and you know it,
78
00:03:43,325 --> 00:03:44,924
Clap your hands.
79
00:03:44,926 --> 00:03:47,427
- Hey.
- Hey.
80
00:03:47,429 --> 00:03:50,496
Hey, oh, boy,
what are we watching?
81
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:53,233
Oh, "we sing in sillyville."
82
00:03:53,235 --> 00:03:54,534
Hey, guess what?
83
00:03:54,536 --> 00:03:56,736
It's on mornings
and evenings now.
84
00:03:56,738 --> 00:03:57,904
Twice the silly.
85
00:03:57,906 --> 00:03:59,772
- Yay!
- Oh, yeah.
86
00:03:59,774 --> 00:04:01,708
There goes John
Jacob jingleheimer schmidt.
87
00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:04,544
Da-da-da-da-da!
88
00:04:04,546 --> 00:04:08,414
Okay.
We have to cancel cable.
89
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,716
Yeah.
90
00:04:09,718 --> 00:04:11,951
Okay, go up
and get your jammies on.
91
00:04:14,521 --> 00:04:16,623
Uh, Ray?
92
00:04:16,625 --> 00:04:17,690
Yeah?
93
00:04:17,692 --> 00:04:19,559
Robert's still here.
94
00:04:19,561 --> 00:04:21,828
Oh, hey, Robert,
what're you doing here?
95
00:04:21,830 --> 00:04:24,764
I had a suspicion
I need to confirm.
96
00:04:24,766 --> 00:04:26,733
Robert, what's wrong?
97
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,770
I don't think Michael
likes me anymore.
98
00:04:30,772 --> 00:04:33,773
What are you talking about?
99
00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:35,441
He's not like Geoffrey.
100
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:39,045
He seems standoffish.
101
00:04:39,047 --> 00:04:42,382
You know Michael's
a baby, right?
102
00:04:42,384 --> 00:04:43,883
It's just a feeling.
103
00:04:43,885 --> 00:04:45,918
Cop's instinct.
104
00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,288
He wants nothing to do with me.
105
00:04:50,024 --> 00:04:51,591
Attention, everybody.
106
00:04:51,593 --> 00:04:54,527
Guess who is now
a published writer.
107
00:04:54,529 --> 00:04:56,529
- Who?
- What are you talking about?
108
00:04:56,531 --> 00:04:58,965
Today the mailman
brought me fame and fortune.
109
00:04:58,967 --> 00:05:00,433
The "reader's digest."
110
00:05:00,435 --> 00:05:04,037
Over 27 million copies
sold in 19 languages.
111
00:05:04,039 --> 00:05:06,739
And all around the world,
each and every reader
112
00:05:06,741 --> 00:05:09,309
Will now open to page 64,
113
00:05:09,311 --> 00:05:12,545
The "humor in uniform" section.
114
00:05:12,547 --> 00:05:14,781
Well, what are you waiting for?
115
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,384
Let's see here.
116
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:22,755
- Ah, oh, my.
- How did that happen?
117
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:23,756
Did you know, ma?
118
00:05:23,758 --> 00:05:24,757
Did you know he was doing this?
119
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:26,025
Please.
120
00:05:26,027 --> 00:05:27,727
You think he could
get this done by himself?
121
00:05:27,729 --> 00:05:30,029
The man can't
wipe his own chin.
122
00:05:30,031 --> 00:05:31,831
Marie was my little typist.
123
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:35,501
Don't call me
your little typist.
124
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,937
So, uh, why don't you
read it out loud, Ray?
125
00:05:37,939 --> 00:05:40,440
No, no, we don't--
That's not necessary, dad.
126
00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:41,908
We'll read it.
No, no, come on.
127
00:05:41,910 --> 00:05:44,344
You have such a nice
speaking voice.
128
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,616
"Throughout our first week
of basic training"--
129
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:54,587
Louder and funnier.
130
00:05:54,589 --> 00:05:56,589
- "Our drill sergeant" --
- Stand up. Stand up.
131
00:05:56,591 --> 00:05:57,924
Aw, come on.
132
00:05:57,926 --> 00:05:58,925
Up, up, up, up.
133
00:05:58,927 --> 00:06:00,460
There you go.
There you go.
134
00:06:00,462 --> 00:06:02,495
"Our drill sergeant
stressed to us
135
00:06:02,497 --> 00:06:04,597
"the importance
of addressing all officers
136
00:06:04,599 --> 00:06:07,367
With what he called
a sir sandwich--"
137
00:06:09,904 --> 00:06:11,637
"sir, yes, sir;
138
00:06:11,639 --> 00:06:13,873
"sir, I don't know, sir;
and the like.
139
00:06:13,875 --> 00:06:16,409
"A few days later, a colonel
approached me in the motor pool
140
00:06:16,411 --> 00:06:18,578
"and asked
what I was working on.
141
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:20,413
"Using the sir sandwich,
I said,
142
00:06:20,415 --> 00:06:23,983
"sir, checking the oil, sir,
in these jeeps, sir,
143
00:06:23,985 --> 00:06:26,786
"and, sir,
checking the tires, sir.
144
00:06:26,788 --> 00:06:28,121
"The colonel laughed and said,
145
00:06:28,123 --> 00:06:30,490
"private, I appreciate
your respect,
146
00:06:30,492 --> 00:06:33,860
But I don't need
a sir club sandwich."
147
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:43,836
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
148
00:06:43,838 --> 00:06:45,705
True story.
149
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,041
Hey, Ray, what do you think?
150
00:06:49,043 --> 00:06:51,677
Oh, it's a classic, dad.
151
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,148
And that's not all.
Look at this.
152
00:06:55,150 --> 00:06:58,918
A check for $300.
Ooh!
153
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,620
I'd frame it,
but then I couldn't take
154
00:07:00,622 --> 00:07:02,889
My little typist
out for a fancy dinner.
155
00:07:05,427 --> 00:07:07,126
Every time you call me that,
156
00:07:07,128 --> 00:07:11,531
It's going to cost you
300 bucks.
157
00:07:11,533 --> 00:07:12,765
Michael threw his milk at me.
158
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:14,066
- Oh!
- Oh!
159
00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,138
Isn't that great?
160
00:07:19,140 --> 00:07:21,441
That could be my second story.
161
00:07:21,443 --> 00:07:23,776
The "digest" loves
a naughty baby.
162
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:31,551
"Teenage boys
can be shy and awkward.
163
00:07:31,553 --> 00:07:34,687
"Their voices crack,
their skin breaks out,
164
00:07:34,689 --> 00:07:37,156
"and they're afraid
of anything in a dress.
165
00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:41,694
This was especially true
for my son Roy."
166
00:07:41,696 --> 00:07:43,696
Dad, you're writing about me.
167
00:07:43,698 --> 00:07:45,731
It says "Roy."
168
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:48,234
Oh, thanks, dod.
169
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,471
Hey, look,
170
00:07:51,473 --> 00:07:54,540
I'm using what we call
artistic license there.
171
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:55,942
Sure, I'm writing about my kid,
172
00:07:55,944 --> 00:07:58,478
But it's got to come off
like anybody's kid.
173
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,181
You see, I have to write
as the everyman.
174
00:08:02,183 --> 00:08:04,784
- You're the everyman?
- Right.
175
00:08:04,786 --> 00:08:06,986
It's got to mean something
to Debra and Marie,
176
00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:09,722
The guy in snowbound Sweden
looking for a laugh.
177
00:08:09,724 --> 00:08:12,692
Oh, especially him.
Yeah, okay.
178
00:08:12,694 --> 00:08:15,528
Look, dad, I got a column due
in about an hour, all right?
179
00:08:15,530 --> 00:08:17,964
So I'm going to see you.
Okay.
180
00:08:17,966 --> 00:08:20,099
"Roy, being a typical teenager,
181
00:08:20,101 --> 00:08:23,803
"was besieged
by raging hormones--
182
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:29,509
Making it difficult for him to
keep his mind on his studies."
183
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,278
Oh, my god.
184
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,681
Ooh, he's the everyman.
185
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,316
Can you imagine?
186
00:08:37,318 --> 00:08:39,751
Can you imagine if every man
was Frank Barone?
187
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,186
Nope.
188
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,421
Boy, wouldn't
sizzler love that?
189
00:08:42,423 --> 00:08:43,222
Yeah.
190
00:08:43,224 --> 00:08:44,456
Do me a favor.
191
00:08:44,458 --> 00:08:45,824
Please, keep everyman
out of here.
192
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,493
How am I supposed to do that?
193
00:08:47,495 --> 00:08:50,529
How fast can you make
a pot roast?
194
00:08:50,531 --> 00:08:52,397
So what's the column about,
Ray?
195
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,465
Oh--
196
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:57,302
- Got to go.
- No!
197
00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,439
It's the giants, dad.
198
00:09:00,441 --> 00:09:03,342
Go on. Go on.
Don't let me bother you.
199
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,815
This is the toughest part,
isn't it?
200
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:10,816
What?
201
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,385
That.
The blank page.
202
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:17,723
It just sits there
and mocks you, dares you--
203
00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:21,860
Annoys you.
Bothers you.
204
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,630
I guess so.
Well, go on, write.
205
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:26,765
Conquer the blank page.
206
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,300
I'm not even here.
207
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:37,676
Shouldn't you indent?
208
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,679
Dad, don't you want
to get started
209
00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,181
On that story about the twins?
210
00:09:42,183 --> 00:09:45,551
No rush.
It's fermenting.
211
00:09:45,553 --> 00:09:47,853
Well, don't let it go bad
in there, dad.
212
00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,755
Come on.
Go, go.
213
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,190
Run.
Run with it.
214
00:09:51,192 --> 00:09:53,325
I'm asking you, dad,
as a proud parent.
215
00:09:53,327 --> 00:09:54,359
Run.
216
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:55,494
I guess you're right, you know.
217
00:09:55,496 --> 00:09:56,762
I got to go get started.
218
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,397
Yeah, okay.
219
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:05,637
You know, Ray,
220
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:09,274
When I retired,
I thought, "well, this is it."
221
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,476
You know, I--sometimes
I just sit there saying,
222
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,478
"I got nothing left."
223
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,646
But with this writing thing,
224
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,782
It's like I got
a whole new lease on life.
225
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:18,383
I--I can't describe it.
226
00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:21,520
It's like, for the first time
in a whole lot of years,
227
00:10:21,522 --> 00:10:26,491
I feel good.
228
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,526
That's--
That's good, dad.
229
00:10:27,528 --> 00:10:29,761
That's nice.
I--I'm glad.
230
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,431
Well, I got you
to thank for it.
231
00:10:32,433 --> 00:10:34,433
You're a writer.
Yeah.
232
00:10:34,435 --> 00:10:37,970
I look at you,
and I see what I had in me.
233
00:10:37,972 --> 00:10:39,605
Hey, you know,
234
00:10:39,607 --> 00:10:41,807
Now we know where
your talent comes from.
235
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:47,980
So go on.
Show me your chops.
236
00:10:47,982 --> 00:10:50,449
Did you know mark twain
had a son who was a writer?
237
00:10:50,451 --> 00:10:52,818
You know what they called him?
238
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,920
- No.
- Choo-choo.
239
00:10:54,922 --> 00:10:57,456
Choo-choo twain!
Ha, ha, ha.
240
00:10:57,458 --> 00:10:59,424
That was
in the "digest."
241
00:11:08,534 --> 00:11:10,602
Oh, hi, Ray.
You hungry?
242
00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:12,404
No, no.
243
00:11:12,406 --> 00:11:13,705
Shouldn't you be at work?
244
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,875
Yeah, I was, ma,
until dad stopped by.
245
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,577
- Oh.
- Yeah.
246
00:11:18,579 --> 00:11:21,113
I'm having lunch
at the paper with the guys,
247
00:11:21,115 --> 00:11:22,848
And he just shows up.
248
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,850
He starts telling us
about writing.
249
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:26,718
Telling us!
250
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:31,656
When I left, he was teaching us
about alliteration.
251
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,593
So, fearing my father
the freak,
252
00:11:34,595 --> 00:11:38,864
I fled before
there was a fatality.
253
00:11:40,099 --> 00:11:42,134
Look at these.
Look at these hands.
254
00:11:42,136 --> 00:11:45,036
I used to make angel hair pasta
with these hands.
255
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,407
And now, I'm a grease monkey!
256
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:51,476
You have to talk to him, ma.
257
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,011
No, he doesn't listen to me.
258
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:55,080
What, you think
I like doing this?
259
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:57,449
Oh, I have a life too.
260
00:11:57,451 --> 00:12:01,420
I could be out learning French.
261
00:12:01,422 --> 00:12:02,788
Ma, you wouldn't do that.
262
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,623
We'll never know, will we?
263
00:12:05,992 --> 00:12:08,693
No, Raymond, Raymond,
you have to handle this.
264
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,429
This is your problem.
265
00:12:10,431 --> 00:12:11,797
What are you--
How is it my problem?
266
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:12,898
What did I do?
267
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,666
You're the writer.
Huh?
268
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:17,536
He wants your approval.
Can't you see that?
269
00:12:17,538 --> 00:12:19,538
Just talk to your father.
270
00:12:19,540 --> 00:12:23,141
Oh, where do you come up
with that stuff, ma?
271
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,045
Hey, Ray, there you are.
272
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,148
Hey, your friends
are really gung-ho
273
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,617
About that computer stuff.
274
00:12:32,619 --> 00:12:35,754
Personally, I don't see
what they're so excited about.
275
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:39,524
Maybe it's all that
Internet porno.
276
00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,860
Just talk to your father.
277
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:45,230
I hope you're happy.
I'm an ink-stained wretch.
278
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,899
Hey, dad, this whole
writing thing, dad,
279
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,468
I'm--
I'm glad you found it,
280
00:12:49,470 --> 00:12:51,002
Because it's good
to have something.
281
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,505
You mean the "digest"?
282
00:12:53,507 --> 00:12:54,739
All right, I'm going
to give you $1,000
283
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:57,776
If you stop calling it
"the 'digest.'"
284
00:12:57,778 --> 00:13:00,846
Fair enough.
Testing, testing.
285
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:02,013
Listen, I think it's important
286
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,583
That we're honest here
with each other.
287
00:13:04,585 --> 00:13:06,685
- Really?
- Yeah.
288
00:13:06,687 --> 00:13:08,086
You know,
I'm glad you said that,
289
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,490
Because there's something
I was afraid to ask you.
290
00:13:11,492 --> 00:13:12,791
What?
291
00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:19,598
"Frank Barone's
I was just thinking."
292
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,833
Yeah, my thoughts on a bunch
of subjects, you know?
293
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,502
Infomercials--
294
00:13:23,504 --> 00:13:25,270
The new car smell--
295
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,838
Minute rice--
Stuff like that.
296
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:28,139
It's all there.
297
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,208
Yeah, it is.
298
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,711
Why do I have it?
299
00:13:32,713 --> 00:13:34,546
Well, you said you wanted
to be honest.
300
00:13:34,548 --> 00:13:37,816
I honestly think this would make
a great column in your paper.
301
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:40,685
My paper?
302
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:43,655
Yeah, why don't you
pass it on to the editor?
303
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,824
You want me to show this
to my editor?
304
00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:47,058
Thank you, Ray.
305
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,095
And, uh, tell him--
306
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,664
I look forward to his feedback.
307
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:58,303
Oh, ma!
308
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,805
It doesn't come out.
309
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,774
It doesn't come out!
310
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:12,250
- Hi.
- Hi.
311
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,019
Hi, hi.
Listen, I'm going to--
312
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:18,890
I'm going to be hiding
for the next few months, okay?
313
00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:21,059
So if my father
comes by looking,
314
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:22,127
You don't know where I am.
315
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,762
What?
316
00:14:23,764 --> 00:14:26,231
Listen, you got to run
interference for me, okay?
317
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,632
I'd do the same
with your parents.
318
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,068
My parents live in Connecticut.
319
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,237
I'm willing to go.
320
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:35,574
Matter of fact, he'd never
find me in Connecticut.
321
00:14:35,576 --> 00:14:38,977
Why are we hiding today, Ray?
322
00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,779
Look at that.
323
00:14:40,781 --> 00:14:42,847
"Frank Barone's
I was just thinking."
324
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,316
What is this?
It's his column.
325
00:14:44,318 --> 00:14:47,085
- His column?
- His column.
326
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,087
Yeah, he wants me
to hand it to my editor.
327
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,256
Oh, you're kidding.
328
00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,091
Look at this.
329
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,660
"The chirp of the cricket has
been replaced by the car alarm.
330
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,330
God only knows what will
replace the car alarm."
331
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:02,801
What is that?
What could that possibly mean?
332
00:15:02,803 --> 00:15:05,203
Oh, god, he's out of control.
333
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:07,272
"Like the smell
of a freshly-painted room
334
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,007
"as much as the next guy,
335
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:12,777
But in the end,
wallpaper is easier to clean."
336
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,679
Hmm.
337
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,181
Yeah, all right,
so he's right about that,
338
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:19,217
But, come on, how can
I hand that to my editor?
339
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,885
He's going to tear it up.
340
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:24,789
I think you should let
your editor take a look at that.
341
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:27,125
Why? So everyone at work
loses respect for me?
342
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,326
And then I get fired, right?
343
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,961
And then you can
go back to work,
344
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,296
And I stay with the kids.
345
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:33,098
No, no, no.
346
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:36,901
I'm not falling for that,
Delilah.
347
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,371
No, no, you take
his name off of it,
348
00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:41,039
And then you submit it
to your editor.
349
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:42,841
Then he gives you
some honest feedback,
350
00:15:42,843 --> 00:15:44,676
Which you can pass on
to your father,
351
00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:47,879
And all of this will end.
352
00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:51,016
Hey, that's not bad.
That's not bad.
353
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:53,351
My editor's going to hate this.
354
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,120
Aw, I'm doing it.
355
00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:57,288
I'm going to do that.
Good.
356
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,125
Oh, tell me the story again
about the parents
357
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,962
That live all the way
in Connecticut.
358
00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,965
- Once upon a time--
- Slower. Slower.
359
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,333
Once upon a time--
360
00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,701
Louder and funnier.
361
00:16:09,703 --> 00:16:10,935
Yeah.
362
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,240
Hey, rob,
thanks for coming over.
363
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:16,741
Come on in.
364
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,344
Why?
365
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:22,080
I just wanted you to try
playing with Michael again.
366
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,381
You know, just give it
one more shot.
367
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,984
Nah, I don't think so.
368
00:16:25,986 --> 00:16:28,353
Listen, Robert, it just--
It makes me feel terrible
369
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:30,755
That you think one of your
nephews doesn't like you.
370
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,323
Come on.
Come on in.
371
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,362
Robert, come on.
372
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:43,802
Sit.
Just sit down.
373
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:47,105
Yeah, that's not so bad.
374
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,973
It's uncle Robbie.
375
00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:53,712
Uncle Robbie.
Yeah.
376
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,749
How you doing?
377
00:16:59,985 --> 00:17:02,921
Hey, Michael,
378
00:17:02,923 --> 00:17:05,724
Would you like uncle Robert
to read you a story?
379
00:17:07,827 --> 00:17:10,295
Hey, he's not that tough
after all.
380
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:16,000
"Baby bunnies have such fun.
381
00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:19,170
Bunnies on the hop,
skip, run"--
382
00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:23,007
- Hey.
- Hey.
383
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,509
Look at me and Michael.
384
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,847
You and Michael?
No, you mean you and Geoff--
385
00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:32,984
And Michael.
Yes, Michael.
386
00:17:32,986 --> 00:17:36,788
Yeah, yeah, you got it.
That's Michael.
387
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:38,089
- See?
- Yeah.
388
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,927
Hello?
Hey, bill.
389
00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,763
Oh, you read the column.
390
00:17:44,765 --> 00:17:47,932
No, no, I didn't write that.
Did not write that.
391
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:52,303
No, no, I passed that on to you
from a complete stranger guy.
392
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,773
Uh-huh. Yeah.
393
00:17:54,775 --> 00:17:56,241
Okay.
394
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,512
Wow.
395
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:03,481
Was that call waiting,
or did a vein pop?
396
00:18:07,186 --> 00:18:09,454
Yeah.
Okay, I'm sorry.
397
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,923
Right.
So very sorry.
398
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:13,525
Okay,
bye-bye.
399
00:18:13,527 --> 00:18:16,795
Oh, ugly, ugly!
400
00:18:16,797 --> 00:18:19,464
Oh, that was ugly.
401
00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:27,438
Oh, hi, Ray.
How are you, honey?
402
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,908
You hungry?
No.
403
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:31,976
Marie, Marie, I got to get
my thoughts down
404
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:35,814
Like it or lump it?"
405
00:18:35,816 --> 00:18:37,982
Oh, that's enough for today.
406
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:41,419
I'm going to go lie down--
Under the car.
407
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,122
Hey, Ray.
408
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:45,490
Hey.
409
00:18:45,492 --> 00:18:47,025
Hey, what's up?
410
00:18:47,027 --> 00:18:48,526
Uh, nothing, nothing.
411
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:50,829
I, uh--I talked
to my editor today.
412
00:18:50,831 --> 00:18:52,297
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
413
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:53,998
And?
414
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,834
Well, uh,
I guess the newspaper,
415
00:18:55,836 --> 00:18:58,937
They're not looking
for a columnist right now.
416
00:18:58,939 --> 00:19:02,473
Well, I--I don't have
to be a "columnist."
417
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,510
I mean, my pieces can run
every so often in the paper.
418
00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,912
Yeah, well, they said
they already got something
419
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:11,049
Similar to your piece
in--in there.
420
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:12,483
Well, what?
421
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,119
What in your paper
is similar to what I wrote?
422
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:19,224
In tone; similar in tone
is what he actually said.
423
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:21,459
This guy sounds like
he's dodging something.
424
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:23,561
Is he some kind of
an oddball here?
425
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,063
He's not an oddball, dad.
426
00:19:25,065 --> 00:19:27,065
Look, it just--
It wasn't for him, that's all.
427
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,600
Well, what did he say?
What were his exact words?
428
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:29,901
I don't know his exact words.
429
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:31,402
What do you mean?
430
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,238
You just spoke to him, and you
can't remember what he said?
431
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,539
Dad, you don't want to hear it.
432
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,274
Don't tell me
what I want to hear
433
00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:37,642
Or what I don't want to hear!
434
00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,210
Tell me what he said!
435
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,579
He said it was embarrassing!
436
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:47,085
What?
437
00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:49,654
He said it was embarrassing.
438
00:19:49,656 --> 00:19:53,157
Oh.
439
00:19:53,159 --> 00:19:54,559
What else did he say?
440
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:57,562
- Dad--
- What else did he say?
441
00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,899
He said it was amateurish.
442
00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:04,335
Really?
443
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:05,670
I'm sorry, dad.
444
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,306
No, no, no, it--
It's okay.
445
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,374
No, you know what?
446
00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:11,109
You can't trust
what this guy says.
447
00:20:11,111 --> 00:20:14,045
What does he know?
He's an oddball, that guy.
448
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,313
Huh? So what?
You're not in the paper.
449
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,382
You're in the "digest."
450
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:19,684
Amateurish?
451
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:23,388
27 million people,
in 19 languages.
452
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:26,124
In Germany and Japan
as we speak, dad.
453
00:20:26,126 --> 00:20:31,329
Come on, huh?
Nobody reads newspapers.
454
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:34,132
You know, I--
I was feeling so good.
455
00:20:34,134 --> 00:20:35,566
Now I don't know.
456
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:39,337
Dad, the "digest." send it in.
Send it to the "digest."
457
00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:41,272
I did!
458
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,374
They didn't like it either.
459
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:46,210
That's why I tried
your stupid paper!
460
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:50,548
Well, come on, you can't
just give up, dad, huh?
461
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,116
- Aw--
- Come on, you still got
462
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,985
All those Roy stories in there.
463
00:20:53,987 --> 00:20:56,521
Come on.
What about everyman?
464
00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,222
What happened to the everyman?
465
00:20:58,224 --> 00:20:59,290
You got all those opinions.
466
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,725
They're just fermenting
in there.
467
00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,360
Got to let them out.
468
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:05,730
Got to let them out, dad,
or you're going to explode.
469
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:06,965
You know something?
You're right.
470
00:21:06,967 --> 00:21:08,700
I got opinions.
That's right.
471
00:21:08,702 --> 00:21:10,268
Now who can I share them with?
472
00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:11,402
Well, come on,
there's always--
473
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:13,538
My family.
474
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:15,473
I was thinking
guys at the lodge,
475
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:19,110
And people at bus stops,
and clerks.
476
00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:21,646
Hey, wait.
Wait, here's one.
477
00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:25,149
Get to the point."
478
00:21:26,485 --> 00:21:28,019
There you go.
479
00:21:28,021 --> 00:21:28,686
Who could argue with that?
You can't.
480
00:21:28,688 --> 00:21:30,221
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
481
00:21:30,223 --> 00:21:32,123
"How about those poems
that don't even rhyme?
482
00:21:32,125 --> 00:21:34,559
That is this man's
definition of lazy."
483
00:21:34,561 --> 00:21:36,761
Ah.
484
00:21:36,763 --> 00:21:39,130
My job is done here.
485
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:41,099
"Make up your mind, America.
486
00:21:41,101 --> 00:21:43,334
Is it
off-en or often?"
487
00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:45,737
Ah, ha!
488
00:21:45,739 --> 00:21:47,605
You're the king of those.
489
00:21:47,607 --> 00:21:49,507
All right, I'm going to
go run and tell everybody.
490
00:21:49,509 --> 00:21:51,075
Hey, Ray--
491
00:21:53,679 --> 00:21:56,014
What--what did you think
of my column?
492
00:21:58,684 --> 00:22:02,153
I thought it was great, dad.
493
00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:03,454
Thanks.
494
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:10,762
"Amish people:
495
00:22:10,764 --> 00:22:13,097
Friend or foe?
496
00:22:27,246 --> 00:22:30,580
"Roy."
497
00:22:38,824 --> 00:22:40,123
"Roy."
34469
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