Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:12,800
[low, thrumming rumbling]
2
00:00:16,400 --> 00:00:18,560
[high-pitched tone]
3
00:00:21,720 --> 00:00:24,960
[ethereal music plays, fades]
4
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,400
[phone buzzing, chiming]
5
00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:37,640
[phone buzzing, chiming]
6
00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:40,440
[phone buzzing, chiming]
7
00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,240
[phone buzzing, chiming stops]
8
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,600
[pensive music playing]
9
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:54,920
[sighs]
10
00:00:58,360 --> 00:00:59,360
[chuckles]
11
00:01:06,040 --> 00:01:07,880
[electric toothbrush buzzing]
12
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,280
[phone buzzes, chimes]
13
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:19,360
[sniffles]
14
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,000
[woman] Mmm. Yum.
15
00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:31,960
- Mmm. Hmm.
- Mmm.
16
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,440
- Ah. Hey, Joan.
- Mike.
17
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,880
♪ End up on the date line, uh, uh, uh ♪
18
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,280
♪ Rich with no day job
Hit your wop, wop ♪
19
00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:48,560
♪ Always on the courtside, uh-huh, huh ♪
20
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,840
♪ B-b-billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪
21
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,200
♪ I'm from the west coast
They wanna go down south ♪
22
00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:55,880
♪ All these lame little rappers
Tryna for clout ♪
23
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,560
♪ I won't let him hit
But he can put it in his mouth ♪
24
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,720
♪ Lil' waist, fat fat, baby, tap in ♪
25
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,200
♪ Tap, tap, tap in ♪
26
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:05,840
♪ Diamonds dancin' on your neck
Better tap in ♪
27
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,080
♪ Tap, tap, tap in ♪
28
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,480
♪ Gettin' money, get rich, baby, tap in ♪
29
00:02:11,520 --> 00:02:12,840
["Tap In" fades]
30
00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:14,120
How's the coffee?
31
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:16,240
If I'm honest...
32
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:19,720
- I'll tell 'em to look at the machine.
- Thank you.
33
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:23,960
Oh, and Sandy's outside
waiting for that 10:15.
34
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:25,680
Oh God.
35
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:26,800
I know.
36
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:30,840
Okay. Um, give me five.
37
00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:33,400
I need to, like, psych up.
38
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:44,880
[exhales] I'm so sorry. So sorry.
39
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:47,520
[phone chimes]
40
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,960
[pensive music playing]
41
00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,160
You're letting me go?
42
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:09,520
Um... Okay, but I'm still working
on my audio compression algorithm.
43
00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:12,680
Unfortunately, the board feel
your compression algo isn't
44
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,040
a thing that they wanna pursue.
45
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,920
Uh, okay. Well, without it,
we'll need more data servers.
46
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:22,840
I know. I know.
47
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,080
Which means a bigger carbon footprint.
48
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,840
We'll breach
all of our environmental pledges.
49
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:30,680
- I'm sorry. It's how the board feel.
- [woman sighs]
50
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,240
I just put a deposit down
on a new apartment.
51
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:40,280
I'm sure this hasn't been
an easy decision for them.
52
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:41,800
[woman] Joan.
53
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,160
Please don't do this.
54
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,720
Please, not now.
55
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,640
I can't... I... I thought we were friends.
56
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:53,720
- Okay.
- Joan!
57
00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:58,000
I'm just gonna give you a minute
to compose yourself.
58
00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,080
I feel pretty composed.
59
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:01,720
I really... I am so sorry about this.
60
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,800
[scoffs] I invited you
to the housewarming. Joan.
61
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,800
[whispers] I've asked Brutus
to escort her out.
62
00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:10,880
Oh God.
63
00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:14,600
[Brutus] I'll help you
with your things, Sandy.
64
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,000
[sighs]
65
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:48,760
Oh!
66
00:04:50,520 --> 00:04:53,640
- [gasps]
- Joan, is that you? I know you're there.
67
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:56,400
Coward. You're a coward, Joan!
68
00:04:57,720 --> 00:04:59,560
All right, Sandy. We gotta go.
69
00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:02,760
[quietly] Fuck!
70
00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,280
[door opens]
71
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:13,600
Joan. Come on in.
72
00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:15,760
[Joan] Thank you.
73
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,080
[therapist] So, where are we at?
74
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,400
- Not good?
- Oh, no.
75
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:23,800
[groans, chuckles]
76
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:27,040
It used to be my dream
to run my own coffee shop.
77
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,680
That would not have gone out
with our name on it.
78
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,600
Neither would the coffee
at my job. [laughs]
79
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,640
How is your job?
80
00:05:37,640 --> 00:05:39,040
Um...
81
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:43,000
I mean, on paper,
it's... it's fancy, I guess.
82
00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:48,320
But I'm just kind of the middleman
between the board up in the clouds
83
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,000
and the staff below me.
84
00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:54,800
So I just kinda feel like
I'm going through the motions every day.
85
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,080
How are things at home?
86
00:05:57,160 --> 00:05:58,320
Um...
87
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,240
I mean, I'm engaged to Krish.
88
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,760
- Yes.
- So, good. Good. It's good.
89
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:08,840
Like, Krish is a great guy,
and he's smart, and he cares.
90
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:12,720
But maybe he's just a little bit, like...
91
00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:16,320
vanilla.
92
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,400
You know?
Like, even the food he cooks is bland.
93
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,800
And I'm continuously like...
94
00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:23,600
Mmm.
95
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:29,280
Sorry, I feel like such an asshole
saying that. [chuckles]
96
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:32,640
When I was with my ex...
97
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,400
- Mac?
- Mac, yeah.
98
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,320
Um...
99
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:39,800
I mean, it was just constant sex
and craziness and...
100
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:41,320
I mean, the fights were...
101
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:46,240
[sighs] But I never got over him.
102
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,600
Mm-hmm. And then you met Krish.
103
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:50,840
And then I met Krish.
104
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:54,880
And he was sweet and safe.
105
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,440
And so I just kinda went with the flow.
106
00:06:58,480 --> 00:06:59,480
But
107
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,120
I just feel like I never,
108
00:07:03,760 --> 00:07:07,200
like, actively chose this.
109
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,360
Like, I feel like I'm just on autopilot.
110
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:12,840
You know how you are always
talking about, like, the life story?
111
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:13,760
Mm-hmm.
112
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:15,800
I was thinking about it, and I...
113
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:21,360
I feel like I'm not the main character
in my own life story.
114
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,600
And would you like that to change?
115
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:29,240
Hmm.
116
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,360
[phone buzzing]
117
00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:34,080
[whimsical music playing]
118
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:52,840
[exhales]
119
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,680
[soft music playing]
120
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,320
Hey.
121
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:09,200
Hey.
122
00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,360
♪ Tried to shame me ♪
123
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,760
[Mac] It's so good to see you.
124
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:18,480
I love your hair like that.
The streaks, yowza.
125
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:20,520
It's not too much?
126
00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:24,080
Phyllis at the salon
kind of, like, talked me into it.
127
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,640
Well, Phyllis at the salon
deserves a raise
128
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:28,200
'cause you look hot as shit.
129
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,440
- Okay. Okay.
- I mean it.
130
00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:35,880
Okay. [clears throat]
131
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:37,520
Um...
132
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,520
I mean, you... you came to see me.
133
00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:41,800
To talk because you asked me to.
134
00:08:43,080 --> 00:08:44,080
Oh, yeah.
135
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,400
Hey, how is...
136
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:50,800
Krish.
137
00:08:51,320 --> 00:08:53,120
Yeah. Krish is good.
138
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,880
Wow. You sound like
you're really crazy about him.
139
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:58,280
Okay.
140
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:02,400
We tried us for two years.
141
00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,600
Remember how that...
remember how that ended?
142
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:07,120
- Yep.
- So, yeah, I am marrying Krish.
143
00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:11,400
Oh God, you drive...
144
00:09:12,440 --> 00:09:15,240
You broke us up,
you broke my fucking heart,
145
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,000
and just when I'm picking up
all of the pieces of my life,
146
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,120
you pop back up like a fucking...
147
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:21,600
Like an unflushed turd.
148
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:22,720
[Joan laughs]
149
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,560
Well, yeah.
It's not what I was getting at, but yeah.
150
00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,280
So, how can I trust you?
151
00:09:30,160 --> 00:09:32,640
You're right. I get it. But
152
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,360
what you and I had was real.
153
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:38,440
You know it.
154
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:41,520
I wanna be with you.
155
00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:46,480
I'm here for three days,
and then I go back to San Jose.
156
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:47,680
Come with me.
157
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:49,400
I'm serious.
158
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,040
I ca... I can't.
159
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,120
Hey.
160
00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:56,920
I have a great apartment,
and your work has an office there.
161
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,560
I mean, you could get a transfer.
162
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:01,560
And there's an incredible sushi place
around the corner,
163
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,480
and they have
an unbelievable green dragon roll.
164
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,240
I can't leave Krish.
165
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:09,720
No, you can't leave Krish.
166
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:10,800
I can't, Mac.
167
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,840
Yeah, no. You can't leave Krish.
168
00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:22,800
No. No, no, no, no.
169
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,960
- Well... Hey.
- I shouldn't have come.
170
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:27,120
- I should not have come here.
- Joan.
171
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:31,480
I'm in my usual suite,
and I'll be here for three days.
172
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,440
[Joan] Mm.
173
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:45,920
[door opens]
174
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:47,880
[Krish] That you, baby?
175
00:10:49,600 --> 00:10:50,600
Yep.
176
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:57,680
Hi.
177
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,160
Whoa. Froggy's been a-drinking.
178
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,480
Yeah. It was a goodbye party.
179
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,920
Oh. Well, I hope you're hungry.
180
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,000
[chuckles]
181
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,240
Mmm.
182
00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:16,680
Amazing.
183
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:18,920
Is that salt?
184
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,200
All right.
185
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,600
Hey.
186
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,920
- What do you wanna watch?
- Oh, I'm easy.
187
00:11:28,680 --> 00:11:30,880
- Let's see what's on Streamberry.
- All right.
188
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,040
Mmm.
189
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:39,600
[Joan] Um...
190
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,640
- [Krish] Oh, how about Sea of Tranquility?
- Eh.
191
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,840
Eric said it blows.
192
00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,720
Oh. Well, if Eric said it blows...
193
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,200
- Okay.
- Okay.
194
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,080
Loch Henry, the Scottish murder thing?
195
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,600
I can't really do another true crime.
196
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,240
- I'm sorry, just after Gacy, I...
- Okay.
197
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,320
What about...
198
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:01,520
What...
199
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,360
[both laugh]
200
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,560
Uh... Oh my God.
201
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:07,520
Uh... What?
202
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,600
[Joan] "New drama. Joan Is Awful."
203
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:11,920
Is that Salma Hayek?
204
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,640
Uh, she even has your hair. [chuckles]
205
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:15,720
That's not my hair.
206
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:20,280
Well, it's a lot like your hair.
And she's even called Joan.
207
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:22,240
[Joan] Okay. What even is the show?
208
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,760
No clue, but...
209
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,040
- Well, we're watching it.
- No, we're not watching Joan Is Awful.
210
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,400
Whatever the hell it is.
211
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,200
- Just hit play.
- Mm.
212
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:32,600
- [splutters] Come on. Hit play.
- [sighs]
213
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,080
[TV chirps]
214
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,360
[phone alarm chiming]
215
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,080
[moans]
216
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,320
Well, it's a lot like our bedroom.
217
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,320
That's not my hair.
218
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,760
- She uses the same toothpaste as you.
- Okay, just...
219
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,000
This is just weird.
220
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,560
Yeah, it's a little spooky. [laughs]
221
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,360
This Joan is shady.
222
00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:32,440
[chuckles]
223
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,440
[TV Joan] Mmm...
224
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:41,400
Babe.
225
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,760
- Babe?
- [man 1] You should see this.
226
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:44,840
See what?
227
00:13:45,280 --> 00:13:46,280
What is this?
228
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:48,840
It's called Joan Is Awful.
229
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,560
It's got Salma Hayek in it.
230
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,360
She looks like Joan.
231
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,880
That job sucked anyway.
232
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,880
[sighs] Yeah, I guess.
233
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,120
[phone buzzing]
234
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,000
Joan Is Awful? What the fuck?
235
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:10,560
Uh...
236
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:12,440
Oh my God.
237
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:14,600
[woman] We're gonna watch a TV show
in a bar?
238
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:18,480
Yeah, we're absolutely
gonna watch a TV show in a bar.
239
00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,560
[pensive music playing]
240
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:23,360
[Mac] Huh.
241
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,000
[phone chimes]
242
00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,040
Hmm.
243
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:34,440
What the hell?
244
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:37,400
♪ Daddy on the Facetime
You could never take mine ♪
245
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,760
♪ End up on the dateline, uh, uh, uh ♪
246
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:42,200
♪ Rich with no day job
Hit your wop, wop ♪
247
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,400
♪ Always on the courtside, uh-huh, huh ♪
248
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:46,960
♪ B-b-billionaire boys wanna eat me out ♪
249
00:14:47,040 --> 00:14:49,040
[Krish] Holy shit. That's where you work.
250
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,880
Okay, how did you do this?
251
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:55,976
- How did I do this?
- This is a prank. How did you do this?
252
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,080
- Well, I didn't...
- I don't find it fucking funny.
253
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,200
[laughs] I didn't do anything.
254
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:03,320
How's the coffee?
255
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,240
Dog shit.
256
00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,000
I'll get the machine replaced.
257
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:09,080
Please do that.
258
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:13,040
- Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15.
- Joan?
259
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,240
[breathing heavily]
260
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:15,320
- Yeah.
- What?
261
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,240
Oh God.
262
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,040
Oh... oh God.
263
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:20,560
Joan? Jo... Jo... Joan.
264
00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,040
[panting]
265
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:23,960
Joan?
266
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,720
[panting] I'm having a panic attack.
267
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,680
- Uh... All right, um...
- I'm having a panic attack.
268
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,520
Okay, okay. Okay. All right, hey, whoa.
269
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:37,240
Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15.
270
00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:39,520
- Is he still there?
- [chuckles] He's still there.
271
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,680
- Just get it over with.
- They made me the gayest man on earth.
272
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,320
Well, I like what he's wearing.
273
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,320
What the fuck is this?
274
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,720
- How the fuck is this?
- Um...
275
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:51,760
- Give me five.
- Oh.
276
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:55,400
[chuckles] Yeah. Sure. Thanks.
277
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,800
- Oh my God. Is that what I sound like?
- Sh. Will you be quiet, please?
278
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:02,360
You think he's better looking than me?
279
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:06,080
Okay. All right. All right, hey.
Let's slow our breathing down, right?
280
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,280
- Uh, feel the carpet beneath your feet.
- I don't wanna feel the carpet!
281
00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,440
All right, hey, whoa.
282
00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,440
- Well, just feel the floor.
- Uh... Fuck the floor!
283
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,520
You're firing me?
284
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:19,760
[TV Joan] Correct.
Your audio algorithm's not happening.
285
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,960
The board thinks it's vaporware.
286
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,160
But, um,
287
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,480
our carbon footprint.
288
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,040
Not their concern.
289
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,560
Well, I just put a deposit down
on an apartment.
290
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:35,280
- Also not their concern.
- I mean, you see what she's like.
291
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,360
- Oh my God, she is cold.
- Please.
292
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,360
Not... not now.
293
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,400
If not now, when?
294
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,280
- [laughing] She did not say that.
- [TV Sandy] Oh my God.
295
00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:47,880
I did not say that like that.
That is not what happened.
296
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,280
Baby, I believe you.
297
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:50,520
[TV Sandy crying]
298
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,160
[Joan] Jesus Christ.
299
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,000
Oh my God.
300
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,240
[TV Sandy] What am I gonna do with my dog?
301
00:16:57,320 --> 00:16:59,320
- Oh my God.
- She's making me so uncomfortable.
302
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,400
I'm so sorry...
303
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,000
- Get Brutus to escort her out.
- Why are you consoling Joan?
304
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:07,040
- Why am I consoling Joan?
- [TV Sandy] Please just give me a second.
305
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,600
She was upset.
306
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,120
She's being a bitch.
307
00:17:11,040 --> 00:17:13,200
Oh my God.
They're making me look like a monster.
308
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,560
No. Hey, no, look.
309
00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:18,760
Look, it's... Baby, it's Salma Hayek.
310
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:22,080
Look, people love Salma Hayek. All right?
So, maybe it's not so...
311
00:17:22,160 --> 00:17:25,000
So, maybe it's not so fucking bad?
312
00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:26,520
So fucking insane?
313
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:28,440
- This is bad.
- Okay, all right.
314
00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,200
- Fucking insane!
- All right, okay.
315
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,160
Hey, look.
I was just trying to make you feel...
316
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,480
- [Joan] Oh God.
- Hey, okay. All right. Hey, you're right.
317
00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:36,400
- Okay.
- Yeah.
318
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,920
- [phone chimes]
- Ooh.
319
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,160
What?
320
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,240
Oh my God, my mom's seen it.
321
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:44,200
What?
322
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:45,640
Everybody can see this?
323
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:48,200
Can everybody
that has Streamberry watch this?
324
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:49,880
[phone chimes]
325
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,840
- [Joan] My dad's seen it.
- [phone chimes]
326
00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:53,600
Marianne's seen it.
327
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:55,320
Jesus Christ. Oh fuck.
328
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:56,520
Oh God.
329
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,160
[Joan breathes heavily]
330
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,720
Oh my God.
331
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,480
Oh God.
332
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,000
- [Krish] Honey.
- What?
333
00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,480
- Has Mac been texting you?
- What?
334
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:08,720
No. No.
335
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,560
- [Krish] All right.
- You can come in now.
336
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,480
- Okay. I think we should turn this off.
- What?
337
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,080
[Krish] Well, actually,
I wanna keep watching. No. No...
338
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,840
- Hey, whoa.
- Krish, Krish, I want it off!
339
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:23,680
- No.
- [TV therapist] How's life at home?
340
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:25,200
- Joan!
- [TV Joan] With Krish?
341
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:32,280
- He's kind and smart and caring, but...
- Where's this stupid fucking button?
342
00:18:33,720 --> 00:18:34,960
Very vanilla.
343
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,320
Even his cooking is bland.
344
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,400
[TV therapist] Hmm.
345
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,280
- I didn't say that. Krish, turn it off.
- [TV Joan] It's just that...
346
00:18:41,360 --> 00:18:43,680
with my ex-boyfriend, Mac,
347
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:51,240
there was so much
crazy, wild, imaginative,
348
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,200
constant sex.
349
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,560
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This isn't real.
350
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,440
Okay? This is the TV. I didn't say this.
351
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:02,960
- Fuck.
- Krish?
352
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,120
- [TV Joan] I haven't gotten over Mac.
- Krish!
353
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,400
[TV Joan] I think maybe
354
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,080
I don't want to.
355
00:19:18,320 --> 00:19:20,080
Oh Christ.
356
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:23,840
Hey. What she said on the show,
that's not what I think.
357
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,160
- Okay?
- No.
358
00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:26,240
Some of the details...
359
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,840
The whole thing,
it's blown out of proportion, okay?
360
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,920
I didn't say that to my therapist.
361
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:33,880
So, what did you say?
362
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:36,840
I...
363
00:19:39,320 --> 00:19:40,200
[Krish] Mm-hmm.
364
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:41,640
- [Krish grunts]
- Krish.
365
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,320
[Krish grunts]
366
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,000
Krish! Where are you going?
367
00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:46,120
I don't know.
368
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,400
- I don't know. I gotta go.
- Krish, come on. Please, please!
369
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:51,656
[TV Mac] I'm here three days...
370
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:52,976
- Hey!
- ...then back to San Jose.
371
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,000
[Joan] I said...
372
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:57,560
I can't leave Krish.
373
00:19:58,080 --> 00:19:59,120
Can't you?
374
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:06,280
[tense music playing]
375
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:14,720
[Joan gasps]
376
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,200
[TV Joan] So, what do you wanna watch?
377
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,600
Sea of Tranquility.
378
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,320
Eh.
379
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:27,760
Eric says it blows.
380
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:29,560
Well, if Eric said...
381
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:31,600
I never liked Krish.
382
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,680
Babe, wait. Come on, sit down. Babe.
383
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,320
Joan Is Awful?
384
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:45,640
[TV Joan] Is that Cate Blanchett?
385
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,400
- That's Cate Blanchett?
- Oh no.
386
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:49,120
- That's Cate Blanchett!
- That's good.
387
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:51,880
- [TV Joan] That's not my hair.
- She looks good!
388
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,000
Krish! It's a TV show. It's not real.
389
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,840
I don't know what's going on,
but none of that happened.
390
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,840
Krish, hey!
I haven't even seen Mac in so long.
391
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,080
Then show me your phone.
392
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,160
What?
393
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:13,160
In the TV show, Mac texted you,
and you texted him back, so
394
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,680
show me your phone.
395
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:17,840
It's...
396
00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:19,880
it's in the house.
397
00:21:22,800 --> 00:21:24,920
That's convenient, Joan.
398
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:26,320
[phone chimes]
399
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:27,840
- Goodbye.
- Krish.
400
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,000
Krish, please don't go.
401
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,680
Don't go. Please don't leave me by myself.
This is fucking insane. Please don't...
402
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,000
Krish! Please!
403
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,200
Krish!
404
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,760
[TV Joan] Krish, you're being childish.
Come back, please.
405
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:50,760
You're being very melodramatic.
It's uncalled for.
406
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:55,640
Oh my God. It's TV. It's not real!
407
00:21:56,240 --> 00:21:59,680
My fidelity for you.
My fidelity for you, that's real.
408
00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:02,080
That's television. Fake, not real.
409
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,840
If you weren't texting Mac,
show me your phone.
410
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,360
They're right about you, Joan.
411
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:12,600
You're awful.
412
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,720
Krish. I'm not that awful. It's not real.
413
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,000
[phone ringing]
414
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,160
Come back.
415
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,680
Krish! Don't leave me.
416
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:24,600
You know I can't be on my own.
417
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,320
- You can't leave me!
- Mac.
418
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,320
- [exclaims]
- [TV Joan] Krish!
419
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:30,200
[exclaims]
420
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:36,000
[crying]
421
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:39,880
[crying]
422
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,160
[pensive music playing]
423
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:52,680
[phone alarm chimes]
424
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:01,240
[sighs]
425
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:08,560
[pensive music continues]
426
00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:16,720
Shame on you.
427
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,600
Oh fuck.
428
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:23,840
Oh God.
429
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,320
- Sorry I'm late.
- [Eric] Uh-huh.
430
00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,800
Did you see it?
431
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:49,520
Everybody saw it.
432
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:52,160
It's all anyone can talk about.
433
00:23:52,240 --> 00:23:54,000
[exhales] How'd it come across?
434
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:58,760
Fair. Yeah. I just don't know
what this is.
435
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:00,560
My lawyer's looking into it.
436
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,200
- Krish is so mad at me.
- Joan.
437
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:03,960
- He walked out last night.
- Hey, Joan.
438
00:24:04,040 --> 00:24:06,080
Everyone's looking at me
like I'm an actual monster.
439
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,200
Joan, just... just try and keep it together
for, like, the next few minutes.
440
00:24:11,080 --> 00:24:12,600
[sighs] Why is Brutus here?
441
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:18,240
You let slip about the whole algorithm,
data server, carbon footprint thing
442
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,920
in the scene where you fired Sandy.
443
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:22,920
Technically, you broke your NDA.
444
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:25,360
What? That's not fair. That was...
445
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:27,640
That was Salma Hayek!
446
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,120
The board wants you out.
447
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:32,480
Now.
448
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:36,800
I'm here to help you pack.
449
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:45,760
Right on.
450
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:47,640
[Joan sniffles]
451
00:25:27,400 --> 00:25:29,200
Sayonara, queen.
452
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:42,120
Mona.
453
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,400
"I'm in a pantsuit."
454
00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:56,680
[breathes deeply]
455
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,200
Well, I've checked it over,
456
00:26:17,280 --> 00:26:20,560
and I have to say that actually,
457
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:24,600
legally, the Streamberry Corporation
can do this.
458
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,600
What?
459
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:29,960
How?
460
00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,040
Trust me, I'm as shocked as you are.
461
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:36,960
But the show is using my life.
It's... it's my name. It's my career.
462
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,640
It's me. They're... they're using me, so...
463
00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,200
And you assigned them
the right to exploit all of that.
464
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,320
What? When?
465
00:26:46,520 --> 00:26:47,520
Terms and conditions.
466
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:51,720
I have never seen this before.
467
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:54,800
[lawyer] You have. You just haven't
seen it printed out before.
468
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,560
All of that would have popped up
on your phone or whatever
469
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,280
when you first signed up to Streamberry.
470
00:26:59,360 --> 00:27:01,280
And you clicked "accept."
471
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,920
What? I mean, I had...
472
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,760
I had no...
How was I supposed to know this?
473
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:11,080
I know. But you did accept it,
and so they're in the clear.
474
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,680
No, no. No, no, no.
They can't... they can't do this to me.
475
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,800
There are only so many ways
for me to tell you they absolutely can.
476
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:20,880
[exhales sharply]
477
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:24,800
Okay, well, Salma Hayek.
478
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:27,360
Yeah, pretty cool.
479
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:30,120
No. No, I'm gonna sue Salma Hayek.
480
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:31,040
For what?
481
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,240
[spluttering] For, like,
passing herself off as me.
482
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:35,560
She has no right to do that.
483
00:27:36,560 --> 00:27:37,920
It's not really Salma Hayek.
484
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:39,840
Yes, it is.
485
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:46,600
No. Technically, uh, the show deploys
a digital likeness of Miss Hayek.
486
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,120
They don't film her.
487
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,360
She licensed her image to them.
488
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:53,120
The entire show is CGI.
489
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:56,520
It's generated by some kind
of super-advanced, deepfake,
490
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:58,280
quantum computer mumbo jumbo.
491
00:27:58,360 --> 00:27:59,360
[exhales sharply]
492
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,960
They could make Salma Hayek
blow an orangutan if they wanted to.
493
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,320
[chuckling] Oh, whoa.
494
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,760
I'm guessing Miss Hayek might object
to that, but you get my point.
495
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,640
Right. So it's all... it's all computers?
496
00:28:12,720 --> 00:28:15,120
That's how they get it
on the service so fast.
497
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:17,520
But how do they...
498
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:21,800
how do they even know what I'm doing?
It's the same... it's the same day.
499
00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:24,680
Well, you know when you got your phone
face down on the table,
500
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,440
and you're in your kitchen,
and you're talking to your friend about,
501
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:30,400
I don't know, shoe deodorizers,
502
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:33,520
and then, you know, you go
on your computer and what pops up?
503
00:28:34,120 --> 00:28:35,520
A shoe deodorizing ad.
504
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,240
Then you get an email,
and it's all about shoe deodorizing.
505
00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:40,416
Then you're walking down the street,
shoe deodorizing.
506
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,000
You can't escape it. And it's...
507
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:43,640
Yeah, so?
508
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,080
Uh, that's how they know.
509
00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,040
Okay, but...
510
00:28:48,120 --> 00:28:48,960
[chuckles]
511
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:54,200
...but the show
makes stuff up about me. Right?
512
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:55,800
It embellishes things.
513
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:58,200
It makes me look worse than I really am.
514
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,640
So... [smacks table] ...defamation.
515
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:03,400
Yeah, page 53, paragraph 12.
516
00:29:03,480 --> 00:29:06,920
There's something about
creating characters and dialogue
517
00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,440
for dramatic purposes.
518
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:12,680
Fuck!
519
00:29:14,280 --> 00:29:15,440
I agree.
520
00:29:16,160 --> 00:29:18,920
Uh, I hate to say it,
but this thing is... is watertight.
521
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,040
Oh my God.
522
00:29:20,120 --> 00:29:21,800
They got you every which way
and then some.
523
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,000
My advice is to try and ignore it.
524
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:28,800
What the fuck kind of advice is that?
525
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,640
It's the only kind I got.
526
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:34,240
Oh my God.
527
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:38,040
[Joan laughing] Okay.
528
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,880
Hi, guys!
529
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,000
Hey, how you doing out there?
530
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,800
Cool! Fuck!
531
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:48,840
[pensive music playing]
532
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:54,840
Sorry, do I know you?
533
00:29:54,920 --> 00:29:56,920
[groaning angrily]
534
00:29:58,400 --> 00:30:03,840
[TV Joan] This show, it is using my life,
my name, my career.
535
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,720
You assigned them
the right to exploit all of that.
536
00:30:06,800 --> 00:30:08,480
When? How?
537
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:10,120
Terms and conditions.
538
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:12,320
I've never even seen this.
539
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,640
- I would've known if I signed it.
- This is brutal.
540
00:30:14,720 --> 00:30:18,640
I would've known I'd signed something
I didn't read. Who has time to read that?
541
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:20,480
[knocking at door]
542
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:22,440
[TV lawyer] You did accept it though.
543
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:24,880
- [TV Joan] What?
- Yeah, they're in the clear.
544
00:30:27,880 --> 00:30:29,696
- [TV Joan] They can't do this to me.
- Oh, hey.
545
00:30:29,720 --> 00:30:31,480
- Can I come in?
- Yeah, yeah.
546
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,280
Hey, uh...
547
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:38,640
They cannot...
548
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,080
There. Sorry.
549
00:30:41,400 --> 00:30:42,400
[crying]
550
00:30:43,680 --> 00:30:44,800
Oh, baby.
551
00:30:45,600 --> 00:30:46,600
Honey.
552
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:49,720
[Joan crying]
553
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:53,320
[Mac] You're okay.
554
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:58,280
[Joan sobs]
555
00:31:00,520 --> 00:31:01,520
No...
556
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:03,080
[sobs]
557
00:31:19,360 --> 00:31:21,120
[Joan breathing heavily]
558
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:24,520
What's wrong?
559
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:25,960
Um,
560
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:28,400
I can't get hard.
561
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:30,560
Sure you can.
562
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:35,280
Hey, you want me to do
that horrible thing you love?
563
00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:37,200
It's, um...
564
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,000
It's... This is so public.
565
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:41,960
What do you mean?
566
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:44,320
This is gonna be on the show.
567
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,720
Okay, but it's not us.
It's... it's computer people.
568
00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:51,080
- It's Salma Hayek and...
- Well, yeah, I know.
569
00:31:51,160 --> 00:31:54,840
So, I mean, like, I'm gonna be the guy
who can't get it up for Salma Hayek?
570
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:56,520
I mean, it's like...
571
00:31:56,600 --> 00:32:00,720
You know, it's one thing to not be able
to get it up for, like, you,
572
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:01,800
but Salma Hayek?
573
00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:03,920
I mean, look,
people are gonna laugh at me.
574
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:07,440
The show is called fucking Joan Is Awful.
How do you think I feel?
575
00:32:08,040 --> 00:32:10,680
Hey! Look, when I said
I wanted to get back together with you...
576
00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,360
When you basically begged me
to get back together with you.
577
00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:15,960
But I didn't agree to be a public figure.
578
00:32:16,560 --> 00:32:18,000
Neither did I!
579
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,160
Except you did.
580
00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:23,600
Page 58 of the terms and conditions.
581
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:25,840
They just said so on the show!
582
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,920
Joan, I always said
you gotta read the terms and conditions.
583
00:32:45,760 --> 00:32:47,120
I can sue Cate Blanchett.
584
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,240
[scoffs] Uh, for what?
585
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:52,600
For passing herself off as me.
586
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:55,520
That isn't the real Cate Blanchett.
587
00:32:55,600 --> 00:32:59,880
The show just deploys
a digital likeness of Miss Blanchett.
588
00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:02,280
The whole show is CGI.
589
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:05,080
It's generated by a quantum computer.
590
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:10,000
They could... [chuckles] ...make her
blow an orangutan if they wanted.
591
00:33:10,080 --> 00:33:14,440
Although I am guessing the real
Miss Blanchett might object to that,
592
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:15,760
but you get my point.
593
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,920
[tense music playing]
594
00:33:22,840 --> 00:33:23,840
Hmm.
595
00:33:26,360 --> 00:33:28,360
[tense music continues]
596
00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:53,880
Oh God.
597
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:03,680
[coughs]
598
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:08,240
[tense music continues]
599
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:17,840
[gasps, groans]
600
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,520
[stomach rumbling]
601
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:24,640
Okay.
602
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,720
[tense music continues]
603
00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:38,080
[priest] Anyone knows a reason
why these two may not be wed,
604
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:40,040
let him speak now.
605
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:41,320
[air horn blaring]
606
00:34:41,400 --> 00:34:44,960
- Merry Christmas, one and all!
- [guests murmuring]
607
00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:47,040
[stomach rumbling]
608
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:48,680
[groans]
609
00:34:49,120 --> 00:34:50,280
[man] Oh my God!
610
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:52,480
[guests groaning in disgust]
611
00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:54,800
What are you doing?!
612
00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:57,400
[Joan groaning]
613
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:00,320
Stop!
614
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:02,280
[screaming]
615
00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,800
- Get the kids out of here!
- Get out of here!
616
00:35:04,880 --> 00:35:05,960
[grunts]
617
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:07,080
[camera shutter clicks]
618
00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:10,080
- [camera shutter clicks]
- [laughs]
619
00:35:11,800 --> 00:35:12,640
What's so funny?
620
00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:13,720
[camera shutter clicks]
621
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:16,200
Salma Hayek's gonna fucking hate this.
622
00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:18,000
[photographer] Why?
623
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,520
Have you not seen Joan Is Awful?
624
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,000
No, but it's on my list.
625
00:35:23,680 --> 00:35:26,920
Just wait till episode four.
I hear it's gonna be a blast.
626
00:35:28,000 --> 00:35:30,400
Her lawyer's here. Posted bail.
627
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:33,840
- Uh...
- You're free to go.
628
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:34,960
Oh.
629
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:37,000
[female officer] For now.
630
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:39,920
[laughs]
631
00:35:42,200 --> 00:35:43,400
You're disgusting.
632
00:35:43,480 --> 00:35:44,360
Thank you.
633
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,440
[TV priest] ...these two should not be wed,
let him speak now.
634
00:35:47,520 --> 00:35:48,760
[air horn blaring on TV]
635
00:35:48,840 --> 00:35:52,600
[TV Joan] Merry Christmas, one and all!
636
00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:54,640
[guests murmuring]
637
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:57,520
[guests groaning in disgust]
638
00:35:57,600 --> 00:35:59,160
[TV bridesmaid] What are you doing?
639
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:02,760
[laughing]
640
00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:08,960
[Joan laughing]
641
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:12,720
[wedding scene playing on laptop]
642
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:14,960
[Hayek] Never in my wildest nightmares
643
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:18,440
I thought I'd see myself
defecating in a church.
644
00:36:19,120 --> 00:36:25,080
Well, technically,
that's the Joan character, not you.
645
00:36:25,600 --> 00:36:28,840
So this character,
whose face do they have?
646
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,680
Do they have your face or my face?
647
00:36:31,760 --> 00:36:33,120
Your face.
648
00:36:33,200 --> 00:36:34,960
Salma Hayek's face.
649
00:36:35,040 --> 00:36:37,600
So, then,
whose anus is doing the shitting?
650
00:36:38,680 --> 00:36:39,680
Uh,
651
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,600
Salma Hayek's anus?
652
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:44,960
Bingo.
653
00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:47,520
I am Roman Catholic.
654
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,360
My grandmother Rosa was going to be a nun.
655
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:52,280
She might die when she sees this.
656
00:36:52,360 --> 00:36:55,760
What right do they have to kill my abuela
657
00:36:56,360 --> 00:37:00,760
with this deepfake heretic abomination?
658
00:37:00,840 --> 00:37:03,240
Uh, page 39, paragraph eight.
659
00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:07,440
Paragraph eight can suck my dick.
I don't even know what it says anyway.
660
00:37:07,520 --> 00:37:11,120
Uh, your image rights agreement
with Streamberry.
661
00:37:11,200 --> 00:37:13,640
It's page 39, paragraph eight.
662
00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:18,840
Specifically covers any acts or behaviors
Joan may exhibit
663
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:22,320
up to, including, and beyond defecation.
664
00:37:22,400 --> 00:37:24,160
Beyond defecation?
665
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:26,760
Beyond. That's what it says.
666
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:28,840
You know I don't read this crap.
667
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,720
I am a dyslexic, talented actress
with questionable English.
668
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:37,120
- That's why I overpay you to protect me.
- Okay.
669
00:37:37,200 --> 00:37:39,400
I mean, doesn't my asshole
have any rights?
670
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,680
- Okay. All right.
- [exhales] Okay, okay.
671
00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:43,360
Okay.
672
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:44,960
Okay.
673
00:37:45,720 --> 00:37:48,320
Let's collect ourselves, and, uh...
674
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:49,400
Good.
675
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,840
...brainstorm so we can do
some damage control.
676
00:37:52,920 --> 00:37:55,800
So, what can you do
677
00:37:56,520 --> 00:38:00,240
to erase this image
from every machine in the world?
678
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:01,320
[clears throat]
679
00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:03,920
Nothing.
680
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,040
Okay.
681
00:38:07,120 --> 00:38:10,760
Then I guess I'm just gonna have to settle
for a huge lawsuit against them.
682
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:15,040
Um, I've looked up and down
and researched,
683
00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:18,000
and there is no legal basis.
684
00:38:18,080 --> 00:38:21,840
There's no way we can sue these guys.
685
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:23,680
Then I'm gonna sue you.
686
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,320
You sold me out.
687
00:38:25,400 --> 00:38:28,440
You useless, overrated maggot.
688
00:38:29,400 --> 00:38:32,560
You take your paragraph eight
689
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:35,440
and shove it up your ass!
690
00:38:35,520 --> 00:38:39,920
And I hope that you get paper cuts
in your hemorrhoids and die!
691
00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:42,960
You're fired!
692
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:06,320
- [doorbell ringing]
- [snorts]
693
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:07,400
[confused moan]
694
00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:14,760
What the fuck?
695
00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:24,680
I...
696
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:28,680
I didn't, uh, actually think
that you would come to...
697
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:30,240
Welcome to my home.
698
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,680
- I understand that you're mad.
- Oh, do you?
699
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:35,400
Please don't kill me, Salma Hayek.
700
00:39:35,480 --> 00:39:37,560
You're lucky I'm a humanitarian.
701
00:39:38,920 --> 00:39:40,000
Let's have a talk.
702
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:41,920
[inaudible] What the fuck?
703
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:44,080
- Come on!
- Coming!
704
00:39:44,160 --> 00:39:46,800
Oh my goodness me.
705
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:48,680
Oh my God.
706
00:39:49,600 --> 00:39:52,920
Now it all makes sense.
Look at all this shit!
707
00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:55,280
What's wrong with you, girl?
708
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,640
I mean, must you be so disgusting?
709
00:39:59,720 --> 00:40:03,400
I mean, the last few days
have been pretty rough, so...
710
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,200
Rough enough to take a dump
in the house of God?
711
00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,280
If you don't have any self-respect,
that's your thing.
712
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:11,120
But to disrespect the church,
713
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,640
and frankly, to disrespect my image...
714
00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:16,320
- Mm-hmm.
- ...I don't wanna be associated with you.
715
00:40:17,160 --> 00:40:19,600
Well, I don't wanna be
associated with me either.
716
00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:24,480
They took my life.
They turned it into a CGI fucking drama.
717
00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,040
I lose my fiancé.
718
00:40:27,120 --> 00:40:28,360
I lose my job.
719
00:40:28,440 --> 00:40:31,560
They put my entire existence out there
for everyone to watch,
720
00:40:31,640 --> 00:40:33,600
and you signed up to be the face of it.
721
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,920
You're a fucking enabler.
I should be yelling at you.
722
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:40,240
- You are yelling at me.
- Well, I need to yell at someone!
723
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,320
Well, it's not fair
that you're taking it all out on me.
724
00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:48,800
I am sorry that I shat in a church.
725
00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,360
Okay?
726
00:40:50,440 --> 00:40:52,680
But I was trying to get your attention
727
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:54,960
so that you'd get in touch
with Streamberry
728
00:40:55,040 --> 00:40:57,120
and have them pull the plug on the show.
729
00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:58,560
I already made that call.
730
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,360
- And?
- They told me to go fuck myself.
731
00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:04,440
They did?
732
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:06,000
Can you believe it?
733
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:08,840
So, you can't stop this?
734
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:12,520
I thought for once I was gonna have
control over my own image.
735
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:15,920
But those fuckers lied about everything.
736
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:19,520
First, they told me
this was gonna be a prestige show, right?
737
00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:22,160
Look, I didn't think it was gonna be
like my movie Frida,
738
00:41:22,240 --> 00:41:25,080
but I couldn't imagine
that it was gonna be this.
739
00:41:26,680 --> 00:41:31,000
And then they said
that they were closing the pay gap.
740
00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:32,400
Bullshit!
741
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:36,400
They are paying me one-tenth
of what they're paying George Clooney.
742
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:41,360
Sorry, George Clooney
is gonna be in this show?
743
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,280
No, they're sticking his head
on a Thomas the Tank Engine reboot.
744
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:46,960
Wait.
745
00:41:48,240 --> 00:41:49,600
How much are they paying you?
746
00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:50,680
Oh,
747
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:52,600
nothing.
748
00:41:53,120 --> 00:41:55,080
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
749
00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:59,280
That is so fucked up.
750
00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:00,200
Yeah.
751
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:02,720
Well, they're screwing us both.
752
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:03,800
Yeah.
753
00:42:04,400 --> 00:42:06,720
I mean, how do you think
Cate Blanchett feels about this?
754
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:07,920
Fuck her.
755
00:42:09,240 --> 00:42:10,480
This is the bad guy.
756
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:12,640
Mona Giovanni.
757
00:42:12,720 --> 00:42:14,800
- [Joan] Javadi.
- Whatever.
758
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:18,000
And the whole Strawberry machine.
759
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:20,320
It's Streamberry.
760
00:42:20,400 --> 00:42:23,320
They have taken 100 years of cinema
761
00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:26,040
and diminished it to an app.
762
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:30,200
I wanna go and take that computer
763
00:42:30,880 --> 00:42:33,400
and rip the cables out of it
764
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:35,520
and stick them up its ass.
765
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:39,280
Let's bring down the system.
The quamputer thing.
766
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:41,480
Oh yeah, let's.
767
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:42,960
Are you a hacker?
768
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:45,280
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, like, physically.
769
00:42:45,360 --> 00:42:48,760
So it says the server's
outside of Mona Javadi's office.
770
00:42:49,280 --> 00:42:51,720
So we just get in there and fucking...
771
00:42:53,960 --> 00:42:56,280
- You know?
- Her office is all the way at the top.
772
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:59,200
We can't crawl on the side of the building
like Spider-Mans.
773
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:01,120
No, no, no, we don't have to.
774
00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,520
'Cause you can just
walk in the front door.
775
00:43:04,240 --> 00:43:06,840
We can't just do that.
776
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:07,800
You can
777
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,440
because you're Salma fucking Hayek.
778
00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:18,240
Thank you.
779
00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:19,480
You're right.
780
00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:21,920
Yeah.
781
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:24,840
I am Salma fucking Hayek.
782
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,520
[suspenseful music playing]
783
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,360
[Hayek] Good morning.
784
00:43:45,920 --> 00:43:49,000
Hi. Hello. Miss Hayek.
785
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:51,600
I have an appointment with Mona Javadi.
786
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:53,400
Of course. Let me just...
787
00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:58,800
[secretary] Uh, I can't, um...
788
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:02,760
- It should be in the system. Please do...
- Excuse me, is there a restroom I can use?
789
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:04,800
Of course. Right over there.
790
00:44:05,320 --> 00:44:07,160
I'm afraid that's too public.
791
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:09,520
Thanks to your show,
792
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:11,840
every time people see me
go into one of those,
793
00:44:11,920 --> 00:44:15,400
all they can think about
is hot birria coming out of my bottom.
794
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:17,320
Of course.
795
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:20,360
Can we swipe Miss Hayek through?
796
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,880
There is a private restroom
down the corridor on the right.
797
00:44:24,480 --> 00:44:25,520
Thank you.
798
00:44:25,600 --> 00:44:27,720
And don't worry, I'm just gonna pee.
799
00:44:30,120 --> 00:44:31,120
Okay.
800
00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:32,880
Cool.
801
00:44:34,360 --> 00:44:35,360
Thank you.
802
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:46,160
All right, just one sec. Yeah. We're good.
803
00:44:46,240 --> 00:44:47,120
- You rolling?
- Yeah.
804
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:48,040
Great.
805
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:49,760
- So, Miss Javadi.
- Mm.
806
00:44:49,840 --> 00:44:53,000
A lot going on here at Streamberry.
Loads of heat around your new show.
807
00:44:53,080 --> 00:44:54,600
- [clears throat]
- I know, right?
808
00:44:54,680 --> 00:44:56,376
- Bet you've got a heap of questions.
- Yeah.
809
00:44:56,400 --> 00:44:57,920
[clears throat, coughs]
810
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:01,080
- Lucy, I'm in the middle of an interview.
- I think it might be important.
811
00:45:01,920 --> 00:45:02,920
Sorry.
812
00:45:05,240 --> 00:45:07,280
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yes?
813
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:09,800
Apparently, Salma Hayek's downstairs
asking to see you.
814
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:13,200
- Didn't we tell her to go fuck herself?
- Maybe that's why.
815
00:45:13,280 --> 00:45:15,400
Just get security to chuck her out.
816
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:20,600
Sorry, sorry. She's new.
817
00:45:20,680 --> 00:45:22,480
- Yeah.
- Don't know how long she'll last.
818
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:24,240
Anyway, where were we?
819
00:45:25,600 --> 00:45:27,560
- Joan Is Awful.
- Joan Is Awful.
820
00:45:27,640 --> 00:45:29,640
[tense music playing]
821
00:45:34,360 --> 00:45:35,360
[door lock beeps]
822
00:45:36,960 --> 00:45:39,160
- What are you wearing?
- It's a disguise.
823
00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:41,560
Take it off. They're gonna think
you're kidnapping me.
824
00:45:41,640 --> 00:45:42,640
Okay.
825
00:45:43,280 --> 00:45:44,280
- Hurry up!
- Okay!
826
00:45:44,320 --> 00:45:46,320
[tense music continues]
827
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:49,920
Come on!
828
00:45:52,760 --> 00:45:59,760
So, here at Streamberry, we are passionate
about creating new forms of entertainment.
829
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:04,440
This whole floor is dedicated
to content generation R&D.
830
00:46:05,200 --> 00:46:08,280
Experimental entertainment,
computer-generated material.
831
00:46:08,360 --> 00:46:09,720
[interviewer] Like Joan Is Awful.
832
00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:10,800
[Mona] Exactly.
833
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:12,800
Shut up, shut up.
834
00:46:12,880 --> 00:46:16,480
[Mona] And that is made by this,
the quamputer,
835
00:46:16,560 --> 00:46:19,880
which is actually
just down that corridor on the left.
836
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:21,800
[interviewer] A kind of quantum computer.
837
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:23,680
Yeah, hence the name.
838
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:25,240
An infinite content creator
839
00:46:25,320 --> 00:46:30,080
capable of willing entire multiverses
into existence, right?
840
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,320
And within those rendered worlds,
841
00:46:32,400 --> 00:46:35,840
shooting, packaging,
and editing fully-edited programs
842
00:46:35,920 --> 00:46:38,680
that would normally take months
to make, such as...
843
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:40,560
[interviewer] Joan Is Awful.
844
00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,520
I wish they'd stop saying that.
845
00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:44,560
- [Mona] Correct.
- [whispers] I like the picture.
846
00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:48,080
And the role Salma's depicting
is based on a real Joan, right?
847
00:46:48,160 --> 00:46:49,800
Mm-hmm. Yep.
848
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:52,840
Why that particular woman?
What's so special about her?
849
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:54,160
Absolutely nothing.
850
00:46:54,760 --> 00:46:58,320
We were looking for a totally average,
nobody person,
851
00:46:58,400 --> 00:47:00,040
just... just to test the system.
852
00:47:00,120 --> 00:47:03,240
The point is,
Joan Is Awful is just the beginning.
853
00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:07,400
The aim here is to launch
unique, tailored content
854
00:47:07,480 --> 00:47:11,080
to each individual in our database,
all 800 million of them,
855
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:15,920
created on the fly by our system.
The most relatable content imaginable.
856
00:47:16,000 --> 00:47:18,320
Actually, there's one for you.
857
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,240
I couldn't resist. Yeah.
858
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:23,800
This is actually real and will be
available to stream from Friday.
859
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:26,520
[uncomfortable chuckle]
860
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:30,160
Uh, why "awful"?
861
00:47:30,840 --> 00:47:32,520
Why is it all so negative?
862
00:47:33,400 --> 00:47:35,080
Yeah. No, that's a great question, Fatima.
863
00:47:35,160 --> 00:47:39,000
Um, we did try more affirmative content
in the test cell,
864
00:47:39,080 --> 00:47:42,120
but we found
that, um, our subjects just didn't buy it.
865
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:45,360
It didn't chime
with their neurotic view of themselves.
866
00:47:45,440 --> 00:47:48,520
What we found instead
was when we focused on their more weak
867
00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:51,440
or selfish or craven moments,
868
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:53,160
it confirmed their innermost fears
869
00:47:53,240 --> 00:47:57,120
and put them in a state
of mesmerized horror.
870
00:47:57,920 --> 00:47:59,680
Which really drives engagement.
871
00:47:59,760 --> 00:48:02,040
They literally can't look away.
872
00:48:02,120 --> 00:48:04,480
Let's kill this quam-puta.
873
00:48:04,560 --> 00:48:07,640
- [Fatima] Wow. Great, thanks.
- [Mona] Did you get everything you need?
874
00:48:08,320 --> 00:48:10,360
Okay. Where is she?
Hi, where is she? Where's Salma?
875
00:48:10,400 --> 00:48:11,760
I let her go to the toilet.
876
00:48:11,840 --> 00:48:14,000
How hard is it to find someone?
Most walls are glass.
877
00:48:14,080 --> 00:48:15,240
Can you guys do something?
878
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:17,320
[tense music playing]
879
00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:23,480
- [whispers] Is that it?
- It's locked.
880
00:48:23,560 --> 00:48:24,560
There.
881
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:28,640
[door opens]
882
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:31,240
[Hayek] There it is.
883
00:48:31,320 --> 00:48:33,920
Holy Christ!
Hey, no one's allowed in here!
884
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:35,160
I'm calling security!
885
00:48:36,440 --> 00:48:40,080
If you call security,
I will break your arm.
886
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:43,560
Don't think I won't,
because I will, understood?
887
00:48:43,640 --> 00:48:44,760
Yes, Miss Hayek.
888
00:48:45,720 --> 00:48:47,080
[Hayek] Okay.
889
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:48,600
How do we get in here?
890
00:48:50,320 --> 00:48:51,480
[Joan] What's that?
891
00:48:51,560 --> 00:48:53,080
Joan Is Awful.
892
00:48:53,160 --> 00:48:54,880
No, but that's me. That should be
893
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:56,800
her, right?
894
00:48:56,880 --> 00:49:00,520
That's the variant of Joan Is Awful
that the Joan below you sees
895
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:02,440
when she watches the show.
896
00:49:02,520 --> 00:49:04,800
What? The Joan below me?
897
00:49:04,880 --> 00:49:08,040
You're not the original Joan.
That's Source Joan.
898
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:09,680
We need a code for this, Joan.
899
00:49:09,760 --> 00:49:10,800
Wait, sh.
900
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:12,720
"Source Joan"?
901
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:14,680
Yeah, you're just a Joan.
902
00:49:16,080 --> 00:49:17,000
Who's Source Joan?
903
00:49:17,080 --> 00:49:18,360
The real Joan.
904
00:49:18,440 --> 00:49:20,760
Look, there. Source Joan.
905
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:22,600
[Joan] Source Joan?
906
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:26,040
I'm not the real Joan?
907
00:49:26,120 --> 00:49:28,080
You're a version of Joan
908
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:30,720
played by a digital likeness
of Annie Murphy.
909
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:33,720
- Who's Annie Murphy?
- The actress.
910
00:49:35,440 --> 00:49:37,080
There. Look familiar?
911
00:49:37,160 --> 00:49:39,480
Schitt's Creek. No? Great show.
912
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,120
- You're playing an adaptation of Joan.
- No, no.
913
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:44,760
Look. Source Joan lives in reality.
914
00:49:44,840 --> 00:49:48,560
When Source John watches the TV show
Joan Is Awful, she sees you playing her.
915
00:49:48,640 --> 00:49:51,320
That show is the fictive level
we're on right now, here.
916
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:54,120
- The fictive level?
- Yes, fictive level one.
917
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:56,880
Like I said,
this is an adaptation of Joan's life.
918
00:49:56,960 --> 00:50:00,240
- You're in a show right now.
- I'm in a show right now?
919
00:50:01,040 --> 00:50:03,120
Come on. Have you seen where you live?
920
00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:06,920
Uh, who could afford a place like that?
It's a TV show house.
921
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,400
I mean, look at me.
Michael Cera licensed his face,
922
00:50:09,480 --> 00:50:12,400
just like Annie Murphy licensed her face
to play Joan on level one,
923
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:15,360
and Salma Hayek licensed her face
to play Joan on level two
924
00:50:15,440 --> 00:50:17,120
and to play herself here on level one.
925
00:50:17,200 --> 00:50:18,560
[Hayek] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
926
00:50:20,040 --> 00:50:21,440
I'm not playing myself.
927
00:50:22,480 --> 00:50:23,720
I am myself.
928
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:25,440
Yeah, but it tracks that you believe that
929
00:50:25,480 --> 00:50:27,920
because you're coded to play yourself
on this level.
930
00:50:28,520 --> 00:50:29,440
- What?
- What?
931
00:50:29,520 --> 00:50:32,200
We're not in reality right now.
This is fictive level one.
932
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:34,920
[Hayek] If I'm not here, then where am I?
933
00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:38,280
I don't know where the real Miss Hayek is.
I don't have eyes on her.
934
00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:40,760
She's probably in Zurich
or on a beach somewhere.
935
00:50:40,840 --> 00:50:42,440
- I don't know where she is.
- Zurich?
936
00:50:42,520 --> 00:50:43,360
This is not called
937
00:50:43,440 --> 00:50:46,800
Salma Hayek Gets Everything Explained
To Her But Doesn't Understand It Still.
938
00:50:46,880 --> 00:50:49,120
- It's called Joan Is Awful. Her story.
- What the fuck?
939
00:50:49,200 --> 00:50:50,560
By which I mean the real her.
940
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:54,520
Not Annie Murphy, Source Joan.
The Joan that lives...
941
00:50:54,600 --> 00:50:56,280
Oh, thank God!
942
00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:58,120
He was so boring.
943
00:50:58,640 --> 00:50:59,800
Jesus!
944
00:51:02,240 --> 00:51:04,840
[exhales] Annie Murphy, you're my hero.
945
00:51:04,920 --> 00:51:06,440
You guard the door.
946
00:51:08,920 --> 00:51:11,320
I'm gonna kill that fucking computer.
947
00:51:11,920 --> 00:51:13,920
[tense music playing]
948
00:51:19,120 --> 00:51:21,520
- She wasn't in the schedule.
- I know that. I was working...
949
00:51:21,560 --> 00:51:22,800
S3? Check S3.
950
00:51:26,600 --> 00:51:29,760
Come on! Come on!
Just kill that quam-puta!
951
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:31,560
Okay, just wait a second. Wait a second.
952
00:51:31,640 --> 00:51:36,920
So, inside this computer,
there's a version of you playing me
953
00:51:37,000 --> 00:51:38,120
who thinks she's real?
954
00:51:38,200 --> 00:51:39,600
- Yeah.
- [door opens]
955
00:51:39,680 --> 00:51:41,640
- They're coming! Do it! Do it!
- [Mona] Stop!
956
00:51:41,720 --> 00:51:45,680
If you destroy that, you destroy everybody
inside every fictive universe above this.
957
00:51:45,760 --> 00:51:47,880
- You!
- Billions of simulated souls
958
00:51:47,960 --> 00:51:50,160
who consider themselves to be real
will die.
959
00:51:50,240 --> 00:51:52,280
Do you really want all that blood
on your hands?
960
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:54,640
I mean, define "blood" for me here.
961
00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:57,960
Okay, this is a quantum computer, right?
We barely know how it works.
962
00:51:58,040 --> 00:51:59,360
It's basically magic.
963
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:01,680
The reality we're in will cease to exist.
964
00:52:02,880 --> 00:52:03,720
Would I die?
965
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:05,040
Instantly.
966
00:52:05,120 --> 00:52:07,720
Put the fucking axe down,
Annie Murphy, now.
967
00:52:08,320 --> 00:52:10,856
- [Mona] Listen to her. Do as you're told.
- [Hayek] Put it down!
968
00:52:10,880 --> 00:52:11,880
I can't.
969
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:15,960
Because the fact
that I'm standing here right now
970
00:52:16,040 --> 00:52:18,640
means that Source Joan
already stood here in reality.
971
00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:20,480
- It doesn't matter what I want...
- Get in.
972
00:52:20,560 --> 00:52:23,840
...because the events that this is based on
have already happened.
973
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:25,440
It's not my decision.
974
00:52:26,320 --> 00:52:28,080
- It's Joan's.
- [Mona] Okay.
975
00:52:28,680 --> 00:52:30,120
- It's happening.
- All right, Joan.
976
00:52:30,200 --> 00:52:32,960
- She's doing it. Joan's doing it.
- [Mona] Joan, put the axe down.
977
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:35,680
No! The quamputer!
978
00:52:35,760 --> 00:52:39,160
Joan! Fucking Jesus!
979
00:52:39,240 --> 00:52:40,320
[screams]
980
00:52:41,000 --> 00:52:42,560
[tense music playing]
981
00:52:47,800 --> 00:52:49,760
[panting]
982
00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:53,840
[alarm sounding]
983
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,840
I think we're done. [laughing]
984
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:03,880
[gentle music playing]
985
00:53:03,960 --> 00:53:06,320
- [officer] What's your name, please?
- Annie Murphy.
986
00:53:08,080 --> 00:53:09,560
[officer] Miss Murphy, what do you...
987
00:53:26,320 --> 00:53:27,680
[therapist] So, where are we at?
988
00:53:28,920 --> 00:53:32,040
- Uh, I'm dating again.
- Mm-hmm.
989
00:53:32,120 --> 00:53:34,680
Just taking it slow, you know.
990
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:37,920
And trying to make some time for myself.
991
00:53:38,720 --> 00:53:40,320
Well, how does that make you feel?
992
00:53:41,000 --> 00:53:42,440
It feels good, you know?
993
00:53:42,520 --> 00:53:44,880
It feels good to be okay on your own.
994
00:53:46,040 --> 00:53:47,120
[therapist] And work?
995
00:53:47,920 --> 00:53:51,960
Yeah. I mean,
my job is far less corporate.
996
00:53:52,480 --> 00:53:54,080
But I'm my own boss.
997
00:53:54,160 --> 00:53:56,520
I... I treat my staff well.
998
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:58,200
Uh, and I'm actually...
999
00:53:59,280 --> 00:54:01,840
I'm actually proud of what I do. So...
1000
00:54:02,440 --> 00:54:04,400
- [therapist] It's good to hear.
- Yeah, thanks.
1001
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:07,120
So, maybe now, do you feel...
1002
00:54:07,720 --> 00:54:11,880
Yeah, uh, like the main character
in my own life?
1003
00:54:11,960 --> 00:54:12,960
[therapist] Mm-hmm.
1004
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:16,680
Yeah, I... I think I do.
1005
00:54:18,160 --> 00:54:20,400
[therapist] And you don't feel
too confined?
1006
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:23,400
- Oh, the house arrest?
- Mm-hmm.
1007
00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:27,040
You know, there's good days and bad days.
1008
00:54:28,440 --> 00:54:29,960
I guess that's to be expected.
1009
00:54:33,480 --> 00:54:35,480
[uplifting music playing]
1010
00:54:49,040 --> 00:54:50,360
You're supposed to encourage me.
1011
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:52,680
- What is that?
- Yeah, it's not good. I know.
1012
00:55:00,440 --> 00:55:02,160
[Annie] Hi, Joan.
1013
00:55:02,760 --> 00:55:04,280
Hi, Annie!
1014
00:55:04,360 --> 00:55:05,536
- How you doing?
- [Joan] Good.
1015
00:55:05,560 --> 00:55:07,240
- The usual?
- The usual, please.
1016
00:55:07,320 --> 00:55:08,320
Okay.
1017
00:55:09,280 --> 00:55:11,520
- [Annie] Missed you.
- [Joan] I missed you. How are you?
1018
00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:12,560
[Annie] I'm good.
1019
00:55:12,920 --> 00:55:14,920
[uplifting music continues]
1020
00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,400
[air horn blaring]
1021
00:56:21,480 --> 00:56:24,840
Merry Christmas, one and all!
1022
00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:25,920
[guests murmuring]
1023
00:56:25,960 --> 00:56:27,520
[groaning]
1024
00:56:28,280 --> 00:56:29,280
[groans]
1025
00:56:30,080 --> 00:56:31,520
Yeah, yeah.
1026
00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:33,720
[guests groaning in disgust]
1027
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:35,360
Sorry. I know. I know.
1028
00:56:37,720 --> 00:56:39,040
Get out! Get out!
1029
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:40,120
[guests screaming]
1030
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:41,960
Yeah. I'm sorry.
74249
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Thai
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
