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Kids, in the spring of 2012,
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00:00:03,180 --> 00:00:05,830
your Uncle Barney went off
the grid for a couple weeks.
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00:00:05,835 --> 00:00:07,506
So I was relieved
when I got a text
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00:00:07,524 --> 00:00:09,191
asking me to come over
to his place.
5
00:00:09,492 --> 00:00:11,125
Glad to hear from you, buddy.
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00:00:11,174 --> 00:00:14,091
I was worried something
bad happened...
7
00:00:14,663 --> 00:00:15,780
to you.
8
00:00:15,946 --> 00:00:17,478
Welcome, brother.
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00:00:17,621 --> 00:00:18,582
What is this?
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00:00:18,583 --> 00:00:21,105
Ted Evelyn Mosby,
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00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:23,668
you are about to be
sworn to secrecy
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00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,598
through the sacred vows
of a Bro Oath,
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00:00:26,723 --> 00:00:29,007
or "Broath."
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00:00:30,142 --> 00:00:33,277
Please, put on
your "brobe."
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00:00:33,279 --> 00:00:35,446
Yeah, I'm not putting on
the "brobe."
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00:00:35,448 --> 00:00:37,148
Ted, just...
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00:00:37,150 --> 00:00:39,600
just... Okay?
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00:00:39,602 --> 00:00:42,625
♪ Broooo... ♪
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00:00:42,704 --> 00:00:45,455
Wait, are they chanting "bro"?
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00:00:45,496 --> 00:00:46,754
♪ Bro... ♪
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00:00:46,754 --> 00:00:48,496
I got some local monks
to record this.
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00:00:48,497 --> 00:00:50,130
Yeah! I got a monk guy.
23
00:00:50,345 --> 00:00:51,344
Cool, right?
24
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:52,634
It actually is, yeah.
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00:00:52,676 --> 00:00:53,697
I'll burn it for you.
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00:00:53,698 --> 00:00:54,988
Just remind me after The Broath.
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00:00:55,268 --> 00:00:58,215
Anyway, Ted Evelyn Mosby,
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00:00:58,471 --> 00:01:03,479
this ritual forever binds you
to keep a solemn secret...
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00:01:03,651 --> 00:01:04,792
Which is?
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00:01:04,792 --> 00:01:06,425
I really like this Quinn girl!
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00:01:06,493 --> 00:01:08,360
We've been spending
tons of time together,
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00:01:08,391 --> 00:01:09,838
and I want the gang to meet her.
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00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:11,629
But I'm afraid they're
gonna disapprove because,
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00:01:11,708 --> 00:01:15,126
- well, you know.
- I did know. You see,
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00:01:15,488 --> 00:01:17,121
Quinn was a stripper...
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00:01:17,123 --> 00:01:20,073
who had swindled Barney out of
quite a bit of cash.
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00:01:20,073 --> 00:01:21,878
We're inviting everyone
to dinner at Quinn's,
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00:01:21,904 --> 00:01:23,587
and I want them to
keep an open mind,
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00:01:23,588 --> 00:01:25,071
which brings us to The Broath.
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00:01:25,313 --> 00:01:28,042
Place your hand
on The Bro Code.
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00:01:28,068 --> 00:01:29,784
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
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00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:31,956
Repeat after me.
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00:01:31,985 --> 00:01:35,704
I, Ted Evelyn Mosby...
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00:01:36,042 --> 00:01:39,958
"I, Ted "Why Did I Ever Tell You
My Middle Name" Mosby..."
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00:01:40,296 --> 00:01:42,757
solemnly swear not to
tell our friends
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00:01:42,757 --> 00:01:44,156
that Quinn is a stripper.
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00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:46,103
"...solemnly swear not
to tell our friends
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that Quinn is a stripper" who
duped you out of lots of money.
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00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:50,763
You're only supposed
to repeat after me.
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00:01:50,764 --> 00:01:52,307
"You're only supposed
to repeat after me."
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- Stop it.
- Stop it.
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00:01:53,278 --> 00:01:55,433
Silence!
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00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:58,435
Look, I know that things
started out sketchy
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00:01:58,437 --> 00:02:00,771
with me and Quinn, but
I really like her, so please.
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00:02:01,139 --> 00:02:02,593
Do you,
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00:02:02,674 --> 00:02:06,944
Ted Middle-Name-Omitted Mosby,
57
00:02:06,946 --> 00:02:10,197
swear to uphold this Broath?
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00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:12,416
I do.
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00:02:12,418 --> 00:02:15,452
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money!
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00:02:28,318 --> 00:02:30,638
Okay, time to go to
Quinn's. Now remember,
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00:02:30,638 --> 00:02:31,846
I told you nothing, okay?
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00:02:31,923 --> 00:02:33,840
Barney really wants
us all to like her.
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00:02:33,841 --> 00:02:34,944
But how can we?
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00:02:34,945 --> 00:02:37,787
Quinn totally duped Barney,
and he couldn't even see it.
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00:02:37,788 --> 00:02:40,086
Well, apparently, the sex
is mind-blowing.
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00:02:40,086 --> 00:02:42,785
Ha, I've been there.
Yeah.
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00:02:42,834 --> 00:02:44,467
I was once with this chick
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00:02:44,469 --> 00:02:47,303
who answered the door wearing
nothing but, uh, whipped cream,
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00:02:47,305 --> 00:02:50,070
a dog collar
and a hot pink thong.
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00:02:50,088 --> 00:02:51,203
Marshall,
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00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:52,602
you can't tell sex stories
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00:02:52,637 --> 00:02:54,208
about "this chick," because
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00:02:54,209 --> 00:02:55,614
everyone knows it's me.
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00:02:55,614 --> 00:02:57,364
I'm the only woman
you've ever been with.
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00:02:57,381 --> 00:03:00,216
It's not fair, the guys are
always telling their sex stories
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00:03:00,218 --> 00:03:01,818
and I can top
every one of them.
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00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:05,021
Baby, you're like 20 slutty
chicks all rolled into one.
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00:03:05,023 --> 00:03:07,273
Sweet talk is not going
to change my mind.
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00:03:07,275 --> 00:03:09,558
Let's focus.
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00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:10,910
Tonight, we want to make sure
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00:03:10,912 --> 00:03:13,162
that Quinn is not
out to scam Barney.
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00:03:13,164 --> 00:03:15,248
So, when we walk back
through that door
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00:03:15,250 --> 00:03:17,617
three hours from now,
we should all be able
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00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:19,836
to answer one simple question:
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00:03:21,839 --> 00:03:24,006
Do we trust this girl?
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00:03:24,008 --> 00:03:25,208
Well, for one thing,
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00:03:25,210 --> 00:03:27,093
she seems kind of controlling.
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00:03:28,345 --> 00:03:30,246
Is it okay if I put out
the hummus, bunny face?
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00:03:30,248 --> 00:03:31,631
No, save it for dessert.
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00:03:31,633 --> 00:03:33,049
Idiot.
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00:03:34,936 --> 00:03:36,969
Uh, ah...
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00:03:36,971 --> 00:03:39,055
More red wine, beauty-swan?
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00:03:39,057 --> 00:03:41,590
She drinks a lot.
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00:03:42,376 --> 00:03:44,193
Is it okay if I
go pee, sugar lamb?
95
00:03:44,195 --> 00:03:45,261
No!
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00:03:45,263 --> 00:03:46,929
You just went three hours ago.
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00:03:46,931 --> 00:03:48,898
You're right, baby bear!
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00:03:52,704 --> 00:03:55,071
Yes, so Barney's whipped;
It doesn't mean
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00:03:55,073 --> 00:03:57,156
that Quinn is a con artist.
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00:03:57,158 --> 00:03:59,608
Well, maybe we could've gotten
a better read on her
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00:03:59,610 --> 00:04:02,295
if two people
hadn't gone off topic.
102
00:04:02,297 --> 00:04:04,831
By the way, Quinn,
your apartment is amazing.
103
00:04:04,833 --> 00:04:06,448
Oh, yeah, it's beautiful.
104
00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:08,718
I'm actually moving out soon.
105
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,503
If you know anyone
looking for a sublet,
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00:04:10,505 --> 00:04:11,471
this place is rent-controlled.
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00:04:11,473 --> 00:04:13,139
You would not believe
what I pay.
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00:04:13,141 --> 00:04:14,957
Kids, things have been tense
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00:04:14,959 --> 00:04:16,592
between Robin and I for weeks.
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00:04:16,594 --> 00:04:18,311
Ever since she moved out,
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00:04:18,313 --> 00:04:20,897
and I gave the apartment
to Marshall and Lily,
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00:04:20,899 --> 00:04:23,483
I'd been crashing
in university housing.
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00:04:23,485 --> 00:04:25,651
It's 10:00,
damn it.
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00:04:25,653 --> 00:04:27,136
Ned, Martin and Millie,
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00:04:27,138 --> 00:04:28,804
people are trying to sleep!
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00:04:28,806 --> 00:04:31,908
Hey, you were young
like us once, right?
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00:04:31,910 --> 00:04:35,278
I was never like you guys.
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00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:38,498
And Robin was staying
with her coworker, Patrice.
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00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:40,249
You seem so down today, Robin.
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00:04:40,251 --> 00:04:41,701
I made you cookies.
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00:04:41,703 --> 00:04:44,320
Damn it, Patrice,
stop smothering me!
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00:04:45,589 --> 00:04:48,007
So, when Quinn said
her apartment was available...
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00:04:49,993 --> 00:04:51,294
It's mine! It's mine! It's mine!
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00:04:51,296 --> 00:04:52,428
Dibs! Dibs! Dibs!
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00:04:52,430 --> 00:04:55,431
We got off topic?
What about Marshall?
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00:04:55,433 --> 00:04:57,133
Hey, I was just
going along with
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00:04:57,135 --> 00:04:59,352
whoever suggested
we play that game.
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00:04:59,354 --> 00:05:00,636
Hey, let's play a game!
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00:05:00,638 --> 00:05:03,222
Uh, craziest
sex-in-public story; I'll start.
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00:05:03,224 --> 00:05:05,024
I was once with this chick
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00:05:05,026 --> 00:05:07,443
who loved to get freaky
in elevators.
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00:05:07,445 --> 00:05:08,844
Doors would close;
Suddenly,
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00:05:08,846 --> 00:05:12,064
she's panting on all fours
like a dog in heat.
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00:05:14,251 --> 00:05:16,152
Marshall, stop.
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00:05:16,154 --> 00:05:17,737
I never said that it was you.
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00:05:17,739 --> 00:05:19,739
Okay, so anyway, last August,
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00:05:19,741 --> 00:05:21,958
I go bareback
with this same slut.
138
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,911
She get's pregnant;
Bitch is even hornier.
139
00:05:25,729 --> 00:05:27,696
Oh, yeah? I was once
with this dude
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00:05:27,698 --> 00:05:29,832
who I caught eating
a sandwich during sex.
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00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:31,300
Big ol' meatball
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00:05:31,302 --> 00:05:33,302
falls out, lands on my back,
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00:05:33,304 --> 00:05:35,537
rolls on to the elevator floor.
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00:05:35,539 --> 00:05:37,706
Hmm. Disgusting, right?
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00:05:38,392 --> 00:05:41,477
What, I never said it was you.
146
00:05:41,479 --> 00:05:44,680
Yeah, sorry we didn't stay
as laser-focused as you guys.
147
00:05:44,682 --> 00:05:47,049
Hey, at least I got
some evidence.
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00:05:47,051 --> 00:05:49,652
Look what I found
in Quinn's bedroom.
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00:05:49,654 --> 00:05:51,571
Barney's taking her to Hawaii.
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00:05:51,573 --> 00:05:53,489
Lily, you snooped
through her stuff?
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00:05:53,491 --> 00:05:55,775
No. It's like
the first thing you see
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00:05:55,777 --> 00:05:58,494
when you jimmy open her desk
drawer with a letter opener
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00:05:58,496 --> 00:06:01,230
her grandfather left her,
according to her diary.
154
00:06:01,232 --> 00:06:02,665
First-class tickets,
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00:06:02,667 --> 00:06:05,034
a four-star hotel--
this cost Barney a fortune.
156
00:06:05,036 --> 00:06:08,737
Yeah, this proves that Quinn is
totally using him for his money.
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00:06:08,739 --> 00:06:10,239
You know what Lily, enough.
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00:06:10,241 --> 00:06:12,741
Guys, even if you're right
about Quinn, this is Barney.
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00:06:12,743 --> 00:06:13,876
He'll come to his senses.
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00:06:13,878 --> 00:06:16,379
I give this whole thing
a week, two weeks, tops.
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00:06:16,381 --> 00:06:18,764
And now, we have
an announcement.
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00:06:18,766 --> 00:06:19,548
Can I tell them?
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00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:21,217
No.
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00:06:21,219 --> 00:06:22,385
We're moving in together
We're m...
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00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:26,105
Congrats! That's great.
So happy for you.
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00:06:26,107 --> 00:06:27,756
We gotta end this.
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00:06:27,758 --> 00:06:29,792
Yup.
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00:06:32,958 --> 00:06:34,491
Kids, as you'll recall,
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00:06:34,564 --> 00:06:37,348
our gang had a subtle way
of letting someone know
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00:06:37,350 --> 00:06:39,133
they were making a mistake.
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00:06:40,908 --> 00:06:42,183
Where have you been?
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00:06:42,339 --> 00:06:44,247
Oh, worth it. Hang on.
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00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,058
Hey.
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00:06:52,818 --> 00:06:55,053
You know we would've
hated ourselves, right?
175
00:06:57,204 --> 00:06:58,153
So,
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00:06:58,153 --> 00:07:01,121
did Robin tell you the incredibly
devious thing she did today?
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00:07:01,196 --> 00:07:02,379
Me?!
178
00:07:03,327 --> 00:07:05,760
Hey, so I just happened
to be in the neighborhood
179
00:07:05,761 --> 00:07:08,502
and I thought, "Man, Quinn
is in such great shape,
180
00:07:08,502 --> 00:07:10,368
she must love fruit."
181
00:07:11,455 --> 00:07:12,910
So, unrelated,
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00:07:12,910 --> 00:07:14,660
how's the search for
a sub-letter going?
183
00:07:15,008 --> 00:07:18,321
This is such a
weird coincidence!
184
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,704
Robin also "just happened"
to be in the neighborhood
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00:07:20,705 --> 00:07:24,187
with a bottle of wine
and her credit scores.
186
00:07:30,690 --> 00:07:32,307
I can't believe you two.
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00:07:32,309 --> 00:07:34,609
What do you care about more,
protecting your friend
188
00:07:34,611 --> 00:07:37,395
from getting hurt or scoring
this girl's apartment?
189
00:07:37,397 --> 00:07:38,980
There's a working fireplace!
190
00:07:38,982 --> 00:07:41,733
Patrice is ironing
my pants all wrong!
191
00:07:41,735 --> 00:07:43,568
You guys should be ashamed.
192
00:07:43,570 --> 00:07:45,370
Speaking of shame,
193
00:07:45,372 --> 00:07:47,939
I was once with this chick
who liked to do hand stuff
194
00:07:47,941 --> 00:07:49,657
underneath a jacket
while we were all
195
00:07:49,659 --> 00:07:51,459
sitting around our
favorite booth at MacLaren's.
196
00:07:51,461 --> 00:07:52,627
Gross.
197
00:07:52,629 --> 00:07:54,462
We share appetizers.
198
00:07:54,464 --> 00:07:57,215
Okay, well, I was once
with a dude
199
00:07:57,217 --> 00:07:59,784
who couldn't even fantasize
about a three-way.
200
00:07:59,786 --> 00:08:02,087
He was all,
"Ew, she's your best friend."
201
00:08:02,089 --> 00:08:03,054
What now?
202
00:08:03,056 --> 00:08:04,472
I was once with a
chick who wanted
203
00:08:04,474 --> 00:08:07,559
to get it on during a school
production of Peter Pan.
204
00:08:07,561 --> 00:08:09,611
Well, I...
Wait, that wasn't me.
205
00:08:10,896 --> 00:08:12,724
So, back to Patrice
and this ironing issue...
206
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:15,425
I thought I was the first girl
you ever did anything with.
207
00:08:15,476 --> 00:08:16,892
Anything serious.
208
00:08:16,941 --> 00:08:18,642
Please don't tell me that
you're jealous of me getting
209
00:08:18,643 --> 00:08:21,776
to second base in tenth grade
with Jenna Cristalli.
210
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:25,086
Don't say that whore's name
in front of our baby.
211
00:08:26,007 --> 00:08:27,424
What's going on?
212
00:08:28,337 --> 00:08:31,185
Barney, this in an intervention.
213
00:08:33,139 --> 00:08:34,973
A "Quinntervention."
214
00:08:35,709 --> 00:08:39,004
You and Quinn are moving really
fast, and we don't trust her.
215
00:08:39,137 --> 00:08:41,171
We're just looking out
for your best interests.
216
00:08:44,264 --> 00:08:46,490
"Quinn-terests."
217
00:08:46,632 --> 00:08:48,865
I don't understand. Wh...
218
00:08:49,102 --> 00:08:50,734
Wait a sec.
219
00:08:50,734 --> 00:08:53,249
Ted Evelyn Mosby...
220
00:08:53,273 --> 00:08:55,890
you broke The Broath.
221
00:08:55,892 --> 00:08:57,475
How dare you?!
222
00:08:57,477 --> 00:09:01,813
A Broath is the most sacred bond
between-- okay, yeah, I did.
223
00:09:01,815 --> 00:09:04,682
Are you aware that
breaking a Broath
224
00:09:04,684 --> 00:09:08,486
can have deadly,
even fatal repercussions?
225
00:09:08,488 --> 00:09:10,522
Have you studied history, Ted?
226
00:09:10,524 --> 00:09:12,190
Extensively.
But I'm a little shaky
227
00:09:12,192 --> 00:09:13,524
on fake history, so...
228
00:09:13,526 --> 00:09:15,406
The tragic cost of
a broken Broath
229
00:09:15,431 --> 00:09:16,045
Uh-huh.
230
00:09:16,046 --> 00:09:19,881
Dates back to
Ancient Bro-man times...
231
00:09:21,801 --> 00:09:23,802
Hey, Bro-tus,
232
00:09:23,804 --> 00:09:26,221
you'd tell me if,
like, a bunch of dudes
233
00:09:26,223 --> 00:09:28,640
were conspiring to
assassinate me, right?
234
00:09:28,642 --> 00:09:32,060
Um, totally, Caesar.
235
00:09:32,062 --> 00:09:34,479
Paranoid much?
236
00:09:34,481 --> 00:09:36,714
Just to be sure,
237
00:09:36,716 --> 00:09:39,067
can you swear a Broath to me?
238
00:09:39,069 --> 00:09:41,352
Sure. I swear.
239
00:09:41,354 --> 00:09:43,721
Thanks.
240
00:09:43,723 --> 00:09:45,940
You've always got my back.
241
00:10:06,295 --> 00:10:09,547
Et tu, Bro-te?
242
00:10:13,669 --> 00:10:16,437
And then he banged,
like, a hundred chicks
243
00:10:16,439 --> 00:10:18,606
and invented a salad.
244
00:10:18,608 --> 00:10:20,091
True story.
245
00:10:20,093 --> 00:10:23,194
Well, Quinn lied to you;
She manipulated you.
246
00:10:23,196 --> 00:10:24,863
What if she's just using you?
247
00:10:24,865 --> 00:10:26,281
She's not just using me.
248
00:10:26,283 --> 00:10:28,099
What about the expensive
trip to Hawaii?
249
00:10:28,101 --> 00:10:30,702
What expensive trip to Hawaii?
250
00:10:30,704 --> 00:10:33,037
The one I got for you.
251
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:36,124
That was supposed to be
a surprise for Barney.
252
00:10:36,126 --> 00:10:38,576
He asked me to meet him here.
253
00:10:38,578 --> 00:10:40,945
What's going on, you guys?
254
00:10:40,947 --> 00:10:42,797
Tell her.
255
00:10:43,883 --> 00:10:46,117
Fine, I'll fill her in.
256
00:10:46,119 --> 00:10:48,253
And I am so angry,
257
00:10:48,255 --> 00:10:51,422
I'm not even gonna make a joke
about "filling her in."
258
00:10:51,424 --> 00:10:53,808
Which I did three times
last night, self-five.
259
00:10:53,810 --> 00:10:56,477
My friends think
you're wrong for me,
260
00:10:56,479 --> 00:10:58,429
so they're having
an intervention.
261
00:11:00,984 --> 00:11:03,434
A "Quinntervention."
262
00:11:03,436 --> 00:11:04,761
I don't understand.
263
00:11:04,762 --> 00:11:07,209
Well, see, your name
is Quinn, and so...
264
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:08,876
I'll explain.
265
00:11:09,526 --> 00:11:13,745
I made Ted promise not to tell
them what you do, but he did,
266
00:11:13,747 --> 00:11:15,446
and now they don't trust you.
267
00:11:15,448 --> 00:11:18,950
Wow, that really hurts.
268
00:11:18,952 --> 00:11:20,134
But what's even worse
269
00:11:20,136 --> 00:11:23,321
is that you felt
the need to lie about me.
270
00:11:23,323 --> 00:11:25,623
I'm not ashamed of
who I am, Barney,
271
00:11:25,625 --> 00:11:27,658
but you clearly are.
272
00:11:27,660 --> 00:11:28,843
I'm not ashamed of you.
273
00:11:28,845 --> 00:11:31,095
I just didn't want them
to judge you without...
274
00:11:31,097 --> 00:11:32,931
Maybe we are moving too fast.
275
00:11:32,933 --> 00:11:34,999
What? What is that
supposed to mean?
276
00:11:35,001 --> 00:11:36,968
I don't think I can do this.
277
00:11:36,970 --> 00:11:40,355
Wait, are you ending things
just like that?
278
00:11:40,357 --> 00:11:43,641
If you walk out that door,
you prove them right.
279
00:11:43,643 --> 00:11:45,526
You prove that you're just
some heartless stripper
280
00:11:45,528 --> 00:11:47,795
who never gave a damn about me
in the...
281
00:11:50,015 --> 00:11:52,350
Don't call me.
282
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:58,366
Wow. That
was intense.
283
00:12:06,581 --> 00:12:09,066
We just destroyed
what could have been
284
00:12:09,068 --> 00:12:11,760
a once-in-a-lifetime shot
at happiness.
285
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,060
I know. I feel guilty, too.
286
00:12:14,223 --> 00:12:16,757
Fireplace, balcony,
287
00:12:16,758 --> 00:12:18,291
hardwood floors...
288
00:12:18,599 --> 00:12:20,010
Okay, I'll just say it:
289
00:12:20,229 --> 00:12:21,829
After everything that
happened between us,
290
00:12:21,831 --> 00:12:22,880
I can't believe you wouldn't
291
00:12:22,882 --> 00:12:25,332
back down and let me
have Quinn's place.
292
00:12:25,789 --> 00:12:28,068
Ted, can I talk to you
out in the hall?
293
00:12:30,713 --> 00:12:32,383
Has it ever occurred to you
294
00:12:32,383 --> 00:12:35,334
that the last few weeks haven't
been easy for me either?
295
00:12:35,489 --> 00:12:38,963
In the span of one day,
my engagement fell apart,
296
00:12:38,964 --> 00:12:41,847
I lost my best friend,
then I lost my apartment.
297
00:12:41,847 --> 00:12:44,147
And-and now I'm about
to lose my job.
298
00:12:44,261 --> 00:12:45,175
What do you mean?
299
00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:49,014
I-I've been completely
distracted at work.
300
00:12:49,303 --> 00:12:52,045
And now my boss wants to see me
Friday at 5:00,
301
00:12:52,045 --> 00:12:55,743
which, around the office,
is known as "fire o'clock."
302
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,849
I had no idea.
303
00:12:57,851 --> 00:12:59,117
How could you?
304
00:12:59,119 --> 00:13:02,437
The one person I want to talk
to most barely looks me
305
00:13:02,439 --> 00:13:05,040
in the eye anymore,
much less returns my calls.
306
00:13:05,042 --> 00:13:08,493
Ted, I know it took guts
to tell me you love me.
307
00:13:08,495 --> 00:13:12,313
And I-I know how much it hurt
that I didn't say it back,
308
00:13:12,315 --> 00:13:13,915
but...
309
00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:17,852
Damn it, th-this sucks
for me, too.
310
00:13:17,854 --> 00:13:20,588
And I-I miss you.
311
00:13:21,690 --> 00:13:26,995
Is there any way we can just...
go back to normal?
312
00:13:26,997 --> 00:13:32,434
I don't think
I can do normal anymore.
313
00:13:34,171 --> 00:13:37,806
Barney still isn't answering.
314
00:13:37,808 --> 00:13:40,675
We gotta go find him
and apologize.
315
00:13:43,346 --> 00:13:46,865
Oh. I thought you were Quinn.
316
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:49,117
Barney, we're so sorry.
317
00:13:49,119 --> 00:13:51,185
We never should've
meddled like that.
318
00:13:51,187 --> 00:13:52,954
Can you forgive us?
I don't know.
319
00:13:52,956 --> 00:13:54,739
You had no right to do that.
320
00:13:54,741 --> 00:13:56,541
How can we make it
up to you, buddy?
321
00:13:58,578 --> 00:14:02,330
I, one of Barney's
best friends...
322
00:14:02,332 --> 00:14:05,166
"I, one of Barney's
best friends..."
323
00:14:05,168 --> 00:14:08,920
promise never to interfere
with his personal life again...
324
00:14:08,922 --> 00:14:13,158
"...promise never to interfere
with his personal life again..."
325
00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,761
unless it's an issue of
health, national security,
326
00:14:16,763 --> 00:14:18,563
or he's about to get up
on a fattie.
327
00:14:18,565 --> 00:14:23,050
"...unless it's an issue of
health, national security,
328
00:14:23,052 --> 00:14:26,053
or he's about to
get up on a fattie."
329
00:14:26,055 --> 00:14:30,442
And now, to seal
this sacred vow,
330
00:14:30,444 --> 00:14:32,243
the two ladies will kiss.
Barney...
331
00:14:32,245 --> 00:14:35,062
The two ladies will kiss!
332
00:14:38,784 --> 00:14:40,335
Mmm.
333
00:14:41,570 --> 00:14:42,904
Lil...
334
00:14:42,906 --> 00:14:44,456
Okay.
335
00:14:44,458 --> 00:14:45,740
And now the gentlemen.
336
00:14:45,742 --> 00:14:47,008
Dude...
337
00:14:47,010 --> 00:14:49,377
And now the gentlemen!
338
00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:53,765
Let's just...
This is silly.
339
00:14:55,684 --> 00:14:58,019
Don't-don't touch
my face.
340
00:15:01,690 --> 00:15:02,924
I was going to say,
341
00:15:02,926 --> 00:15:04,592
"And now the gentlemen
bump fists."
342
00:15:04,594 --> 00:15:06,394
How long you been holding
back that one?
343
00:15:06,396 --> 00:15:09,647
Hot stuff, fellas.
344
00:15:09,649 --> 00:15:11,683
Did I see a little tongue
in there?
345
00:15:12,568 --> 00:15:14,285
I don't understand.
346
00:15:14,287 --> 00:15:15,537
Well, if these two
347
00:15:15,539 --> 00:15:17,622
will keep their sweaty paws
off each other
348
00:15:17,624 --> 00:15:18,873
for half a second, I'll explain.
349
00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:20,775
It all started
a couple days ago...
350
00:15:20,777 --> 00:15:22,443
I want you to meet my friends.
351
00:15:22,445 --> 00:15:24,045
Should I be nervous?
352
00:15:24,047 --> 00:15:25,964
Is it like bringing me home
to meet your parents?
353
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,081
No, no, no.
354
00:15:27,083 --> 00:15:28,616
Much more stressful than that.
355
00:15:28,618 --> 00:15:31,052
You see, my friends, while
awesome, can be presumptuous,
356
00:15:31,054 --> 00:15:33,388
meddlesome and
downright destructive.
357
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,807
When they learn what
you do and how we met,
358
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:37,258
they'll probably try
to break us up.
359
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,477
So let's have
some fun with them.
360
00:15:39,479 --> 00:15:40,962
Mess with their heads.
361
00:15:40,964 --> 00:15:44,098
Are you saying...
evil plan?
362
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:45,733
Hells to the yes.
363
00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:47,936
My God, you're hot.
364
00:15:47,938 --> 00:15:48,970
Wait for it.
365
00:15:48,972 --> 00:15:50,655
Here's what we do.
366
00:15:50,657 --> 00:15:53,992
I'll make Ted swear not to tell
anyone what he knows about you,
367
00:15:53,994 --> 00:15:55,643
and he'll cave immediately.
368
00:15:55,645 --> 00:15:57,729
Barney's dating a stripper
who's gonna steal all his money!
369
00:15:57,731 --> 00:15:59,731
Next, we invite everyone over.
370
00:16:00,367 --> 00:16:02,333
Is it okay if I put out
the hummus, bunny face?
371
00:16:02,335 --> 00:16:03,835
- And I'll be the bossy-
372
00:16:03,837 --> 00:16:06,371
No, save it for dessert, idiot.
373
00:16:06,373 --> 00:16:07,655
Nice.
374
00:16:07,657 --> 00:16:09,040
And, finally, we'll announce...
375
00:16:09,042 --> 00:16:10,608
We're moving in together!
376
00:16:10,610 --> 00:16:11,960
I've got an idea.
377
00:16:11,962 --> 00:16:13,628
Let's get your friends
Ted and Robin
378
00:16:13,630 --> 00:16:14,929
fighting over my apartment.
379
00:16:14,931 --> 00:16:16,998
Wait, what does that have
to do with you and me?
380
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,516
Nothing. I just
worship chaos.
381
00:16:18,518 --> 00:16:20,351
I can't handle how hot
you are right now.
382
00:16:20,353 --> 00:16:22,554
Wait for it.
Next,
383
00:16:22,556 --> 00:16:25,223
they'll try to talk me
into dumping you.
384
00:16:25,225 --> 00:16:26,507
And I'll walk in on it.
385
00:16:26,509 --> 00:16:27,442
Then we pretend to break up.
386
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,060
And when they crawl back,
387
00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:30,428
begging for forgiveness...
388
00:16:30,430 --> 00:16:32,564
I'll be the bigger man
and let them off the hook.
389
00:16:32,566 --> 00:16:35,033
Or make the monkeys
dance for you.
390
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,985
God, you're smart!
391
00:16:36,987 --> 00:16:39,454
It's gonna be legen...
392
00:16:39,456 --> 00:16:42,240
I'm not waiting for
it anymore. Mmm...
393
00:16:42,242 --> 00:16:44,392
dary.
394
00:16:45,711 --> 00:16:48,029
My God, you two are...
395
00:16:48,031 --> 00:16:49,547
Perfect together.
396
00:16:49,549 --> 00:16:51,499
So you're not really moving in?
397
00:16:51,501 --> 00:16:53,051
Well, it started out as a joke,
398
00:16:53,053 --> 00:16:54,836
but the more we
talked about it...
399
00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:56,387
The more excited we got.
400
00:16:56,389 --> 00:16:58,706
So, yeah, we are.
401
00:16:58,708 --> 00:17:01,809
You have anything
to say about that?
402
00:17:01,811 --> 00:17:04,729
So happy for you.
Congratulations.
403
00:17:06,649 --> 00:17:07,815
Thank you.
404
00:17:07,817 --> 00:17:09,317
Thank you.
405
00:17:10,102 --> 00:17:12,186
You two realize this means
406
00:17:12,188 --> 00:17:14,505
my apartment really is
up for grabs, right?
407
00:17:15,908 --> 00:17:17,859
I'm sure I'll find
something else.
408
00:17:17,861 --> 00:17:19,527
- Me, too.
- Yeah.
409
00:17:19,529 --> 00:17:23,164
And that's the story
of how we met Quinn.
410
00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:27,168
That Friday, I met Robin to see
how it went at "fire o'clock."
411
00:17:27,170 --> 00:17:30,404
They promoted me
to on-air talent.
412
00:17:30,406 --> 00:17:32,406
I'm gonna be
Sandy Rivers' new co-host.
413
00:17:32,408 --> 00:17:33,741
Oh, my God!
414
00:17:33,743 --> 00:17:34,909
How'd that happen?
415
00:17:34,911 --> 00:17:35,960
Remember New Year's Eve?
416
00:17:35,962 --> 00:17:38,412
When I filled in for Sandy,
it turns out
417
00:17:38,414 --> 00:17:40,748
the C.E.O.
of World Wide News liked me.
418
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:42,249
He said I have "moxie."
419
00:17:42,251 --> 00:17:44,052
So he's a 1940s gangster?
420
00:17:44,054 --> 00:17:45,419
Apparently.
421
00:17:45,421 --> 00:17:48,255
And I got a big raise,
422
00:17:48,257 --> 00:17:51,693
so I'm taking this apartment
on Central Park West,
423
00:17:51,695 --> 00:17:52,777
which means...
424
00:17:52,779 --> 00:17:54,145
Quinn's apartment.
425
00:17:54,147 --> 00:17:55,546
I already told her
you'd take it.
426
00:17:55,548 --> 00:17:59,117
Wow. Thanks.
427
00:17:59,119 --> 00:18:00,118
Yeah.
428
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,435
Hey, and congrats.
429
00:18:01,437 --> 00:18:03,187
You deserve it all.
430
00:18:04,273 --> 00:18:08,776
You know, I've been
thinking about it, and...
431
00:18:08,778 --> 00:18:10,294
I can do normal.
432
00:18:10,296 --> 00:18:12,330
To back to normal.
433
00:18:12,332 --> 00:18:13,164
To back to normal.
434
00:18:21,590 --> 00:18:25,126
Uh... I-I should get going.
Yeah.
435
00:18:25,128 --> 00:18:26,561
You've got a lot to do.
Totally.
436
00:18:26,563 --> 00:18:27,962
So...
Um, see you soon.
437
00:18:27,964 --> 00:18:28,796
See you soon.
438
00:18:28,798 --> 00:18:30,297
Yeah.
439
00:18:30,299 --> 00:18:32,600
We wouldn't see each other
for a long time.
440
00:18:32,602 --> 00:18:35,636
But I'll get to that.
441
00:18:35,638 --> 00:18:37,438
Listen, um...
442
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,141
about me getting to second base
in tenth grade
443
00:18:40,143 --> 00:18:41,475
with Jenna Cristalli...
444
00:18:41,477 --> 00:18:42,994
I don't know what you're
talking about.
445
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:45,496
I've already forgotten
about that dumb hobag.
446
00:18:45,498 --> 00:18:49,316
Yeah, um, it didn't happen while
we were watching Peter Pan.
447
00:18:49,318 --> 00:18:53,320
It happened while I was
playing Peter Pan.
448
00:18:53,322 --> 00:18:56,591
Here's a photo
from the day I was cast.
449
00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:58,826
That's me in the middle.
450
00:18:58,828 --> 00:19:00,828
But then I had my growth spurt.
451
00:19:00,830 --> 00:19:04,182
By opening night, I was too big
for the flying harness,
452
00:19:04,184 --> 00:19:06,350
and, well...
453
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:12,807
I fell hands-first
right onto Jenna Cristalli.
454
00:19:12,809 --> 00:19:15,893
The tissues in her bra saved me
two broken wrists.
455
00:19:15,895 --> 00:19:17,311
I'm sorry. I just, I just wanted
456
00:19:17,313 --> 00:19:19,781
to have one cool
sex story that wasn't you.
457
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:23,067
Okay. Next time you tell it,
you were in your dad's car,
458
00:19:23,069 --> 00:19:26,204
which you stole to go
to a Metallica concert,
459
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:30,374
and you got to third base
with that slut.
460
00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:34,996
I was once with this chick...
461
00:19:34,998 --> 00:19:38,783
who is just the best wife ever.
462
00:19:42,254 --> 00:19:44,555
Thank you for being so cool
about what I do.
463
00:19:44,557 --> 00:19:46,591
A lot of guys would be
weird or jealous.
464
00:19:46,593 --> 00:19:47,725
Are you kidding?
465
00:19:47,727 --> 00:19:50,044
Who am I to judge
anyone? I'm the devil!
466
00:19:54,266 --> 00:19:55,566
I mean, if you ever
467
00:19:55,568 --> 00:19:57,551
wanted to stop stripping,
I'd support it.
468
00:19:57,553 --> 00:20:00,021
- If you wanted... to.
- Uh-huh.
469
00:20:00,023 --> 00:20:02,156
So, you are jealous?
470
00:20:02,158 --> 00:20:04,242
What? No, no, not at all.
471
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:06,244
I'm just saying,
if you ever wanted to hang up
472
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:08,946
the ol' G-string,
I'd completely understand.
473
00:20:08,948 --> 00:20:11,833
Nah, I like taking my clothes
off for money.
474
00:20:11,835 --> 00:20:12,867
Great.
475
00:20:12,869 --> 00:20:15,286
Let me... let me finish.
476
00:20:15,288 --> 00:20:19,907
Hypothetically,
what would make you stop?
477
00:20:19,909 --> 00:20:22,176
Hypothetically...
478
00:20:22,178 --> 00:20:27,248
I would stop stripping
if I ever got married.
479
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:28,516
Good night.
480
00:20:35,376 --> 00:20:38,161
And then we agreed
to "go back to normal."
481
00:20:39,541 --> 00:20:45,211
But I'm starting to wonder if we
can ever really just be friends.
482
00:20:45,213 --> 00:20:50,633
Anyway, that's the story of me
and Robin, 2005 to the present.
483
00:20:50,635 --> 00:20:51,968
What do you think?
484
00:20:51,970 --> 00:20:54,087
I think your stories
are way too long.
485
00:20:54,089 --> 00:20:58,524
I feel bad
for his future kids, dude.
486
00:20:58,526 --> 00:21:03,529
Hey, my kids are gonna
love my stories.
487
00:21:03,531 --> 00:21:07,450
They're gonna... yeah, they're
gonna love my stories.
35208
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