All language subtitles for How_I_Met_Your_Mother_S07E13_kissTVSeries.com

Kids,on New Year's Day
2012,Uncle Marshall took a trip

to Minnesota to see
someone he truly missed.

marven**

Hey,Pop.

I can't believe it's been a year.

I think the most appropriate
way to honor your memory today...

is to get blasted and watch the Vikings make
the Bears their furry little bitches. Go,Vikes!

Sorry for your loss.

Which is what we'll be saying to the
Bears in about three hours,right,Pop?

Kids,tailgating at
the Vikings-Bears game

was a tradition for Uncle
Marshall and his dad.

That's how the government covered
up the UFO crash in Roswell:

by canning the sliced up alien
carcasses and calling it Spam.

aka***

Wow. Is there anything
you don't know,Dad?

No. I know most stuff.

And in your honor...

three decades of pork
fat,lighter fluid and Bengay.

Dear God,that's the stuff.

So much to catch you up on.

So,last night was New Year's
Eve. That's a crazy story.

east***

So you haven't told your
dad that you're pregnant yet?

No. But why should I?

My dad has never been there for me.

This is just another chance
for him to let me down.

Lily,you have to tell him.

He's at some board game
convention in Chicago.

He's your dad.

I don't see why people
aren't getting this.

Shoplifter does not promote
crime. It celebrates it.

Excuse me. Yeah.

Hey,Dad. I'm,uh,calling
with some pretty big news.

I'm pregnant.

Great. Thanks.

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How.I.Met.Your.Mother
S07E13

Anyway,Dad,Ted and Barney's New Year's
Eve wasn't off to a great start,either.

It's 50 bucks,and the
line starts out there.

Uh,we're regulars.

Oh,in that case,the line starts
out there,and it's 50 bucks.

You got a problem with that?

Kids,here's why we didn't
have a problem with that.

And he was even scarier
without the toupee.

- No problem.
- It's a little drafty. We'll get you a nice hot cocoa.

Check it out. Sandy
Rivers' New Year's Eve show.

Thank God I don't have to
produce this frozen pile of poo.

How'd you dodge that bullet?

Well,maybe Tina,the producer,he,uh,picked,is
more talented than I am...

at lying down while Sandy
does his business on her.

Does it bother you that this pervert's
on the air,and you're not anymore?

- Do you miss it?
- What?

Why would... why would I miss it?

No. I would rather be warm and
cozy here in denial-- my apartment.

Robin,I'm no therapist--
wait,yes,I am--

but I've got a New
Year's resolution for you.

Get back on camera.

Mine was going to be "make
a sex tape," so... two birds.

Hold that thought.

Hello? Sandy?

Tina quit. The woman I love just quit.

- Love?
- She's my everything,Robin.

My sun,my stars,my oxygen.

Plus,she likes it fast and
dirty,and that's how Sandy rides.

I need you here ASAP.

Are you kidding me? Marcus?
What the heck are you doing here?

What the heck are you doing here?

I wanted to see Dad
today-- in private.

Well,I had the same idea,and I drove
all the way from Mom's,so get lost.

I flew here,so you get lost.

Um,I'm trying to have a poignant moment
with our departed father,turd face.

Well,I'm trying to feel Dad's spirit
flow through my soul,butt breath.

I'm reaching out to the beyond to
touch Dad's inner light,ass clown.

I hear Dad's voice like an ethereal song

guiding me toward
salvation,douche nozzle.

- Dibs on Dad.
- Dibs on Dad times infinity.

I'll just pretend like you're not here.

What? Dad,do you hear something?

Perhaps the high-pitched whine of someone
who wet their bed until they were 11!

Ten.

Anyway,Dad,since it's
just the two of us...

Lily and I were going to spend
New Year's unpacking the baby room.

Um,sweetie,why is this book in here?

That's Enigmas of The Mystical.

It's all about mysterious
and unexplained phenomena.

Don't you remember the TV
commercials from the '80s?

June 17th,1983. Tempe,Arizona.

A woman makes a chicken salad sandwich.

Chicken salad sandwich.

Halfway across the country in Michigan,

her daughter is compelled to make
almost exactly the same sandwich.

- Tuna salad.
- Coincidence?

Or an enigma of the mystical!

Yeah,those enigmas always
seemed a bit thin to me.

Thin? Lily,this is 200
pages of detailed accounts

about Bigfoot,ghosts,aliens
abducting people

from their beds and probing them.

I'm going to read it to
Baby Eriksen at night-night.

You really want to read our kid
bedtime stories about monsters?

First of all,I wouldn't
use the "M" word.

Only they can call themselves that.

And secondly,are you really saying you
don't want to raise our child as a believer?

I don't want to brainwash our child
to believe in something with no proof.

It's not about proof; it's about faith.

Faith is what gives
life shape and meaning.

I mean,if there aren't
yetis or leprechauns,

what's the point of even
getting up in the morning?

I don't know. Wife,unborn
child,drop a deuce?

Lily,don't you think
it's a bit narcissistic

not to allow for something
bigger than us out there?

Something whose beauty and
power and majesty humbles us?

- God?
- Werewolves.

So,as the countdown to 212
continues,a quick warning,America:

Tina Henderson is a soulless
bitch who will stomp on your heart.

I need you back,Tina. I love you.

Well,if that's as bad as
it gets,we might be okay.

Bathroom break.

Oh,good. It's on the Jumbotron.

- Oh,finally.
- Yeah,that'll be 100 bucks each.

- What?
- You said 50.

That was before the place got crowded.

Okay? It's New Year's Eve.
People get rowdy and break stuff.

The cover protects us. Plus,you get these
festive hats. For an additional 15 bucks.

- They're wet.
- Dry ones are 20.

That's it. Don't bother,everybody.
MacLaren's is a rip-off!

You'd all be better off coming
upstairs to my place for a beer.

Hey,dude. You serious?

Ted,do you remember a couple yea
ago,we had the best idea of a time?

- We should buy a bar.
- Of course! We could buy a bar!

The name of our bar? Puzzles.

People will be like,"Why
is it called Puzzles?

" That's the puzzle.

A bar where no one's overcharged,where
everyone feels valued and respected.

A bar... where we get
chicks drunk and bang them.

- We're opening Puzzles tonight.
- Of course we're opening Puzzles tonight!

Aren't you going to ask
us why it's called Puzzles?

Nope.

Okay.

Okay,we're back live in 30 seconds. ***

I don't know. Uht's see if
he's still wearing his mic.

Taxi,take me to Tina's
house. 50 West 67th.

Sir,this is a falafel stand,and
you're sitting in the hummu

Okay. Run the montage of people
who died this year until I get back.

And add Sandy,because when I
find him,I'm going to kill him.

- Anyway,Dad...
- Stop hogging Dad already.

I've got stuff to tell him,too.

Like what? You're still living
with Mom,and you have no job.

Go ahead.

So,anyway...

July 8,19. Cheyenne,Wyoming.

A hunter spots a hairy
form in the fore. Bigfoot.

His story is dismissed
because,to be honest,

he'd been drinking and had
a history of mental problems.

But was it a hoax? Or
was it an enigma of the...

- It was an idiot in a gorilla suit.
- Enigma.

- Gorilla suit.
- Enigma!

Gorilla suit!

Marshall? Marcus? What
are you guys doing he?

Having a private moment with Dad.

No,I'm having a private moment with Dad.

No,I'm having a private moment with Dad.

Touchdown,Vikings!

Anyway,Dad,since it's still
just the two of us,I'll go on.

I've always envisioned
Puzzles as a literary salon,

where Gotham's intelligentsia hold
court on art,philosophy and literature.

Great. And while you're
distracting the nerds and fatties,

I'll be in the VIP room getting it in.

Uh,yeah,dude,I don't know
where you got a velvet rope,

but you can't use my
room for anonymous sex.

I'm kind of a neat freak that way.

Hey,guys,I have an idea for Puzzles.

What if... What?

- ***
- ****

Oh. Okay. I understand.

But he we like your energy.

How would you like to
be our star bartender.

I've always wanted to be a bartender.

It's just like being a therapist.

You listen to people's problems,pretend
to care,but you can drink openly,

instead of having to hide
your booze in a coffee mug.

Great. Oh,check it out. We worked
out a theme song for Puzzles.

While I was carrying 100-pound kegs
up four flights of stairs? Awesome.

* Puzzles is a place where people go *

* To feel like they belong *

* Gonna take advantage
of dumb drunk girls *

- No,we're not.
- ***

* That would be wrong *

* A place where wit and wisdom bloom *

* A place to bang chicks in Ted's room *

- Not gonna happen.
- We'll talk about it.

* At Puzzles,we all fit together *

* And I'm the bartender! *

- I'll go get the other kegs.
- Probably a good idea.

We got to work out some harmonies.

- * And I'm right here *
- * No,you actually down here *

Excuse me,sir?

About the TVs,we in the
middle burying my aunt,so...

Oh I'm sorry. We'll keep it down.

No,I just want to check out the score.

Actually,I'm trying to have a
private moment with my dad,so...

It's just that I used to
goto Vikes's with my aunt;

may she rest in peace.

Anyway,so back to my story.

She also loved burgers.

So now,back to my story.

Aunt Laura sure loved a toasted bun.

Tina,please tell me Sandy's here.

Don't worry,he's here.

And we're back... together!

He told me he loves me,he's
sorry,and I'm the only girl for him.

You know,since we'll
here,and we're all horny...

I don't know what went wrong.

Well,proposing the three-way was
bad,starting without us was worse,

finishing in the hallway
was the nail in the coffin.

No! Stop drinking! I
gotta get you back on air!

But I'm single and ready
to mingle! Hello,there.

Oh,the Twitter-verse blowing up about a
new apartment-themed bar called Puzzles.

Why is it called Puzzles?

That's the puzzle!

Anyway,this VIP room has a maximum
occupancy of two people including me,

so eeny... and the rest of you may go.

It's funny,but it seems each
time I read James Joyce's Ulysses,

it's a different
book,begging the question:

Has the book changed... or have I?

Okay,people are getting rowdy
and drunk and breaking things.

I know this goes against the Puzzles
mission statement you made me memorize,

but we gotta raise our drink prices.

All right,just a little
bit so no one will notice.

Poodles sucks!

And that's when the night
turned to absolute crap.

all***

* At Puzzles,we all fit together *

* On sunny days or stormy weather *

* So pull up a chair and sit' *

* To share and stories to tell *

* Puzzles is a place where
everybody feels at home *

* And we bang chicks in Ted's room. *

What-what do,what do,what do we do?

And so Puzzles got a bouncer,

All right,you know what,you guys?

No. No,no,no,no,no,you said double
what MacLaren's was paying me.

And why isn't anyone wearing
the hats I brought up?!

"November 14th... "1982.

"Everglades National Park,Florida.

"Five mysterious lights
dance in the night sky.

"A ray shoots down,lifting
the park ranger,"

who,to be fair,was going
through a bad divorce

and had a habit of
lying to get attention.

" I hate this job,Sandy!

I went into journalism
to make a difference,

but you have made that impossible.

You know,to be honest,it hasn't
been an easy couple months for me.

I've made mistakes. I've felt alone.

I had to let go of dreams
I didn't even know I had.

So here's the deal:

You're gonna get back on air
and count us into a better year,

because I just can't do 2011 anymore.

You with me?

He's not with me,is he?

Anyway,Dad,where was I?

all***

You know what? Fine,get out
of here! We don't need ya!

And why doesn't anybody like these hats?

I made these hats.

It's because they' wet,Doug.
Why are they all wet?!

Were those our last customers?

Let me go check the bathroom.

You must be from the escort service.

The scenario is high
school wrestling match.

- Hello?
- So get this: I lost Sandy Rivers.

Funny you should mention that.

It's almost midnight! What am
I gonna do,go on the air myself?

Listen... Wait. Yeah,do that!

No,I-I can't actually.

Yes,you can. It's what you
really want and you deserve it.

Kevin,that's not how it works.

Sounds like that's your only choice.

New York's a big city. Sandy
Rivers could be anywhere.

And... wrestle!

I'm sorry,baby.

I just...

I want our kid to believe
that the universe is magical.

You know,like my dad taught me.

You know what my dad taught me?

Nothing... 'cause he was never there.

"June 22nd,1996,Brooklyn,New York.

"A man misses his daughter's
high school graduation.

"Later,she discovers
her babysitting money "

has been spent on a board game called
Who Stole The Babysitting Money?

" He never saw the irony in that.

"December 31st,2011.

"A woman calls her father
to tell him she's pregnant.

says,'Great. Thanks,'
and hangs up on her.

" And after pushing her to call him,

a Big Foot is discovered
in her husband's mouth.

I'm glad you're a believer,baby,

but I'm never gonna believe
in an "enigma of the mystical"

unless I see it with my own eyes.

Because the truth is,my father
never taught me believe in anything

but myself.

Well,if it helps at
all,I believe in you,too.

Then there's a pretty
good chance I don't exist.

How dare you?!

Oh,my God!

This is Robin Scherbatsky
filling in for Sandy Rivers.

You know,America,tonight I've
been groped,stepped in puke

and until 10 minutes ago had no idea
I would be on national television.

That's my girl.

But that's the magic of New Year's.

When that clock strikes
midnight,we all get a fresh start.

And I don't know about
you,but I could really use one.

And that magic moment
starts in ten... nine...

That night became a turning
point in Robin's career.

world***

But we'll get to that.

They're nice hats,Doug.

They're wet but they're nice.

...three,two,one.

And that's the story of New Year's Eve.

You know,I've been thinking that

the reason I got so intense with
Lily about Enigmas of the Mystical

is that,well...

Could you pass the pickles?

...with you gone,I feel
the mystical a little less.

Can you hand me the chips?

Sometimes I feel you a little less.

That's why today was so
important because I just...

I needed to...

Did you just open a beer
on my father's headstone?

Actually,it's a hard cider.

And just as he was about to lose it...

Hey,Marvin,can you pass me a burger?

Hey,not Marvin. Marshall.

Sorry,it's just,you're
so much like your pop.

Your Uncle Marshall thought back to
all those tailgates with his father.

- Hey,mind if I grab one?
- The more the merrier!

All right.

* The time has come to heal our wounds *

* The time has come,it's
coming soon... *

And he realized that maybe
private moments are overrated.

You know what?

The more the merrier.

Hey,guys.

- Happy New Year.
- Happy New Year.

January 1st,2012,East Meadow,New York.

A woman answers her door to find
something more enigmatic and mysterious

than Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster.

Dad?

- I thought you were in Chicago.
- I was.

Great. Thanks.

My daughter's having a baby!

- Did you drive all night?
- Yeah.

Well,Teddy and I split the drive.

This guy's a maniac behind the wheel.

Congrats,Princess.

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Happy New Year,Dad.

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How.I.Met.Your.Mother
S07E13