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(man) WELCOME BACK
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TO THE SEASON PREMIERE OF...
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NEXT CONTESTANTS--
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VALENTINA DELGADO
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AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK!
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(June) SOONER OR LATER,
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WE ALL HAVE TO FACE
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OUR OWN MOMENT OF TRUTH.
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AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK,
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THE COUNTLESS HOURS OF SWEAT,
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TEARS, AND PREPARATION,
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JAMES WAS ABOUT TO FACE HIS.
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IT MADE ME WONDER, WHEN I WAS
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FACED WITH MY MOMENT OF TRUTH,
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WHEN THE SPOTLIGHT WAS ON ME,
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HOW WOULD I RESPOND?
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I CAN'T COME IN TO WORK TODAY.
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I'M IN THE HOSPITAL.
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I BURNED MY FINGERTIPS OFF
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SAVING A BUNCH OF CUBANS
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FROM A BAKERY FIRE.
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TURNS OUT--NOT WELL.
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ALSO, I HAVE BLACK LUNG.
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(imitates wheezing)
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NOT WELL AT ALL.
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(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT
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PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪
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♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪
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(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪
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(buzzer)
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♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪
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♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪
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(cheers and applause)
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(amplified voice) ALL RIGHT,
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EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH
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FOR COMING
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TO MY GOING AWAY PARTY.
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LET ME MAKE A PROMISE
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RIGHT HERE AND NOW.
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VALENTINA AND I ARE GONNA WIN
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"DANCING WITH THE STARS."
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(both) WHOO!
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(cheers and applause)
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(microphone feedback whines)
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(amplified voice) I WOULD
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TAKE A BULLET FOR THIS MAN.
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(clenched teeth)
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LUTHER, TIGHTEN IT UP.
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MY AGENT'S HERE.
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DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOM?
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(Connie) So exciting.
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YEAH, JAMES AND LUTHER
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ARE LEAVING FOR L.A. TOMORROW.
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What's James doing now?
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UH, RIGHT NOW
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JAMES AND LUTHER ARE...
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ARM WRESTLING OVER
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A GLASS OF WHITE WINE.
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(stammering)
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(murmuring indistinctly)
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OH, I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU
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TO COME HERE!
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ME, TOO. I'VE NEVER
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BEEN TO NEW YORK.
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It'll be so much fun watching
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the premiere with you.
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WAIT WAIT. IS THAT
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MY FAVORITE M.I.L.T.T.T.?
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"MOTHER I LIKE TO TALK TO"?
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COME HERE.
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CONNIE, MY DANCE GURU.
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I WOULD NOT BE HERE
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WITHOUT YOU.
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I FEEL SO READY,
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AND BY THE WAY,
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YOU WERE SO RIGHT
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ABOUT THE RAISINS.
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THEY DID THE TRICK.
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(chuckles) L.A.
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I ACTUALLY KNOW A LOT
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ABOUT THE BUSINESS.
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I WAS A FAMOUS BABY ACTOR.
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I WAS IN A MOVIE--
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YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF IT--
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CALLED, UM,
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"THREE MEN AND A BABY."
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CHLOE, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
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YOU CAN'T JUST TELL PEOPLE
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ANYTHING YOU WANT.
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WHAT? I'M JUST HAVING
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SOME FUN.
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YEAH, SO THERE ARE
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SEVERAL FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS
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OF ME CURLED UP
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IN TED DANSON'S WIG.
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IT'S ADORABLE.
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WAIT. DANSON HAD
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HIS REAL HAIR BACK THEN.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK
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ABOUT JIMMY FALLON?
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I LOVE HOW FALLON LAUGHS
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AT HIS OWN JOKES.
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YOU'RE WATCHING
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AND YOU'RE THINKING,
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"HE'S LAUGHING,
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SO IT MUST BE FUNNY."
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RIGHT. (laughs)
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YOU ARE SO LUCKY
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THAT EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION
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ON JIMMY FALLON.
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OTHERWISE, YOU'D BE
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TOTALLY BUSTED.
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RELAX. THEY'RE JUST
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SILLY LITTLE BAR LIES.
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IT DOESN'T HURT ANYBODY,
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AND WE GET ATTENTION
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AND FREE DRINKS.
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WHEN MY MOTHER COMES HERE,
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I'M GONNA HAVE HER
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TALK TO YOU ABOUT
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THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HONEST.
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WE ARE DESCENDANTS OF
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"HONEST ABE" LINCOLN HIMSELF.
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WE ARE KNOWN
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AS THE "HONEST COLBURNS."
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JOCELYN?
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JOCELYN HOLMES, IS THAT YOU?
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IT'S JAMES VAN DER BEEK!
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I'M JUST IN TOWN VISITING
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MY COUSIN, KATIE HOLMES.
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(laughs) I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
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SINCE OUR THREE-WAY.
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KATIE HOLMES' COUSIN?
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LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.
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JAMES IS DOING
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MY FAVORITE BAR LIE
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AS A GOING-AWAY PRESENT.
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I'M GONNA MISS HIM SO MUCH.
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SO, YEAH, KATIE HOLMES AND I
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ARE ONLY COUSINS,
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BUT WE'RE AS FLIRTY
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AS SISTERS.
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THAT'S WEIRD.
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(June) AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE
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MY MOM TO TIMES SQUARE,
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AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE
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AN OLIVE OIL TASTING.
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(squeals)
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(laughs)
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I LOVE OLIVE OIL!
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I HATE MAYONNAISE.
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I HATE IT.
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(cell phone rings and beeps)
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JUNE, I'M AT THE JAR BAR.
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YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN HERE.
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I TOLD MY BAR LIE
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ABOUT HOW I INVENTED
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THAT SUPERIMPOSED YELLOW LINE
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FOR FOOTBALL GAMES ON TV,
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AND I'M GETTING
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A THOUSAND FREE DRINKS.
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THANKS TO YOU, MY GIRLFRIEND
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LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS FOOTBALL.
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GO, SPORTS TEAM.
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AS A HONEST COLBURN,
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IT IS MY OBLIGATION
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TO COME BAIL YOU OUT.
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IN RETURN, YOU ARE GOING TO GET
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MY SARAH McLACHLAN CD
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FROM THE CRACK BETWEEN
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THE COUNTER AND THE OVEN.
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(door opens, bells jingle)
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IT IS MY COOKING MUSIC.
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Get your ass down here--
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(beep)
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WAS THAT
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JAMES VAN DER BEEK?
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NO, PEPPER. NOT EVERYONE
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THAT CALLS ME
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IS JAMES VAN DER BEEK.
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I MEAN, DO I ASK YOU
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IF EVERY MALE CUSTOMER
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IS YOUR OLD SWIM COACH THAT
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TRIED TO GRAB YOUR BOOB?
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(horn blares in distance)
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SO I WAS DATING
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THE GUY FROM FOX SPORTS,
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AND I WAS LIKE,
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"YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE
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WHERE THE BALL'S
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SUPPOSED TO BE," YOU KNOW?
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ESPN WAS THE FIRST NETWORK
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TO USE THAT TECHNOLOGY.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK
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OF JIMMY FALLON?
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(scoffs) LOVE HIM!
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I HEARD HE MARRIED
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DREW BARRYMORE'S
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BUSINESS PARTNER.
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MM. (giggles)
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OH, FALLON. GOD.
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ONE DAY YOU ARE GONNA FALL
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SO DEEP DOWN YOUR LIE HOLE,
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YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE
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TO GET OUT.
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UNLESS I FALL DOWN
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YOUR PIE HOLE FIRST,
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BECAUSE YOU KEEP YAPPIN'.
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(cell phone rings)
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(beep)
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HI, MOM!
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OH, MY GOSH.
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I WAS JUST GONNA CALL YOU.
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I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU
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ABOUT OUR OLIVE OIL TASTING.
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HONEY, I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE
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TO VISIT YOU IN NEW YORK.
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OH, NO. WHY?
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YOUR FATHER'S
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NOT FEELING WELL,
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and, oh, I'm so sorry.
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IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
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I-I UNDERSTAND.
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I GOTTA GET BACK
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TO YOUR FATHER.
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HE'S ON COLD MEDICINE,
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AND I'M AFRAID
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HE'S GONNA USE THE STOVE.
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DONALD!
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AND THIS LITTLE GUY PLAYED
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THE DOG IN "ANNIE" ON BROADWAY
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FOR EIGHT YEARS.
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CHLOE, WHERE DID YOU
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GET THAT?
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I FOUND HIM OUTSIDE
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WHEN YOU WERE ON THE PHONE.
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HILARIOUS, RIGHT?
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(whimpers)
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(Luther, singsongy)
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LOS ANGELES.
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LOOK AT US.
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WE'RE LIKE LUCY AND DESI.
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WHOO! ALL RIGHT. OH!
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OKAY, SO WE'RE SUPPOSED
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TO GET A TOUR OF THE STAGE
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AND THE GREEN ROOM.
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FINAL DRESS IS TOMORROW
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AT 4:00.
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LIVE SHOW, THE DAY AFTER.
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WAIT A MINUTE. LUTHER,
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I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.
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DID WE LEAVE A CHECK
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FOR YOLANDA?
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WELL, NO, YOU'RE NOT
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GONNA BE AT YOUR PLACE.
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WHY WOULD THE MAID COME?
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WHY DO YOU HATE YOLANDA?
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(scoffs)
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I DO NOT HATE YOLANDA.
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IT'S JUST...
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IF YOU'RE EL SALVADORIAN,
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DON'T PRETEND
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TO BE GUATEMALAN, YOU KNOW?
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(cell phone beeps)
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(cell phone rings)
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(door bells jingle,
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cell phone beeps)
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HI, JAMES...
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VAN DER BEEK.
270
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,169
LISTEN, CAN YOU DO ME
271
00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,169
A HUGE FAVOR?
272
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:37,087
I THINK I FORGOT TO LEAVE
273
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:37,087
A CHECK FOR MY MAID.
274
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,298
CAN YOU GO TO MY PLACE
275
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,298
AND WRITE ONE FOR HER?
276
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,381
OH, OF COURSE.
277
00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,381
NO PROBLEM.
278
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,760
OHH. THANK YOU.
279
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,760
THE DOORMAN'S NAME IS...
280
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:47,430
MARTIN. HE HAS A KEY.
281
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:47,430
ALARM CODE IS 74,
282
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,391
THE NUMBER OF TIMES
283
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,391
JAMES HAS CRIED ON FILM.
284
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,561
CHECKBOOK AND SIGNATURE STAMP
285
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,561
ARE IN THE TOP DESK DRAWER.
286
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:57,398
MAKE THE CHECK OUT
287
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:57,398
TO YOLANDA MARTINEZ.
288
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,401
OH, AND IN THE MEMO SECTION,
289
00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,401
WRITE "FOR BOOB JOB."
290
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,403
IT'S A PRIVATE JOKE.
291
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,403
SHE'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.
292
00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,198
I AM ON IT, JAMES.
293
00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,198
DON'T YOU WORRY.
294
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,407
MY MOTHER RAISED ME
295
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,407
TO BE AN HONEST COLBURN.
296
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,285
I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.
297
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,411
THANK YOU, JUNE.
298
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,411
I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU.
299
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456
OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
300
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456
TRUST CHLOE TO DO IT, SO...
301
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456
(honks horn)
302
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,708
WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
303
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,626
I MEAN, SHE TELLS BAR LIES
304
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,626
TO GET FREE DRINKS,
305
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,838
BUT DEEP DOWN,
306
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,838
SHE IS A GOOD PERSON.
307
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,090
IS THAT JOHN GOODMAN?
308
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,800
GO. GO, GO, GO, GO,
309
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,800
GO, GO, GO.
310
00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:27,679
(whirring)
311
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,224
(beep)
312
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,224
HE HAD TO GO.
313
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,224
HE SAW JOHN GOODMAN.
314
00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:31,432
(gasps) "NORM!"
315
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,684
(door bells jingle)
316
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,733
AS YOU CAN SEE,
317
00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,733
GREAT LIGHT, CITY VIEWS.
318
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,442
WAIT TILL YOU SEE
319
00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,442
THE MASTER BATH.
320
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,028
CHLOE,
321
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,028
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
322
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,612
OH, HI.
323
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,612
I'M BEING A REALTOR.
324
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,615
I'M RENTING OUT JAMES' PLACE
325
00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,615
WHILE HE'S GONE.
326
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,450
ANY QUESTIONS,
327
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,450
DON'T HESITATE TO CALL.
328
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,703
I'M ALL ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE
329
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,703
IN JAMES' HOME.
330
00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,413
(door slams)
331
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,462
YOU'RE PRETENDING
332
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,462
TO BE A REALTOR?
333
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,466
CHLOE, THIS IS WAY WORSE
334
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,466
THAN HARMLESS BAR LIES.
335
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,676
YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
336
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,346
YES, I CAN. I ALWAYS
337
00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,346
RENT JAMES' APARTMENT
338
00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,098
WHEN HE GOES ON LOCATION
339
00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,098
FOR CHUNKS OF TIME.
340
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,146
I MAKE EXTRA INCOME,
341
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,146
SOME LUCKY FAMILY HAS
342
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,481
AN AWESOME PLACE TO STAY,
343
00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,481
AND NO ONE'S THE WISER.
344
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,483
YOU HAVE FALLEN DOWN
345
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,483
YOUR LIE HOLE.
346
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,485
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE
347
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,485
OF JAMES.
348
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,486
I HAVE TO TELL HIM.
349
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,530
OH, DON'T TELL HIM. HI.
350
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,490
SEE THAT VIEW?
351
00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,490
ICONIC MANHATTAN.
352
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,868
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE.
353
00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,868
JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
354
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,578
YOU CAN'T BE DISHONEST
355
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,578
WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
356
00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,498
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
357
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,500
OMISSION IS NOT
358
00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,500
THE SAME AS LYING.
359
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,002
NOW JAMES NEEDS TO FOCUS
360
00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,002
ON ONE THING,
361
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,503
AND THAT'S DANCING.
362
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,381
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
363
00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,381
A LITTLE SELFISH AND UNFAIR
364
00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,758
TO SPRING THIS ON HIM NOW?
365
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,509
I GUESS
366
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,509
THIS ISN'T THE BEST TIME.
367
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,512
NOT IF YOU WANT HIM TO WIN.
368
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,512
SO YOU WON'T TELL HIM?
369
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:55,976
(sighs) MAYBE IT IS BETTER
370
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:55,976
THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW RIGHT NOW.
371
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,518
(man over P.A.)
372
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,518
FINAL DRESS REHEARSAL.
373
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,562
DEAN CAIN AND KARINA SMIRNOFF.
374
00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:02,482
(tango music playing)
375
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,114
OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS JUST
376
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,114
REHEARSAL, PAPI, OKAY?
377
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,531
LET'S SEE IF THEY
378
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,531
CAN DO THIS TOMORROW
379
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,533
WHEN THIS PLACE IS PACKED
380
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,533
WITH SCREAMING FANS
381
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,535
AND BROADCAST TO MILLIONS
382
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,535
OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD.
383
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,536
I LET DEAN BORROW
384
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,536
SOME OF YOUR BRONZER.
385
00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,537
YOU WHAT?!
386
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,581
RELAX. FOCUS.
387
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,581
AH-AH. AH-AH.
388
00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,708
FOCUS.
389
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,210
(song ends)
390
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,587
(amplified voice) GREAT. OKAY.
391
00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,587
DEAN AND KARINA WILL EXIT...
392
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,755
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
393
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,755
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
394
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,757
JAMES AND VALENTINA ARE NEXT.
395
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,594
(woman) 5, 6, 7, 8...
396
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,513
(Joss Stone's
397
00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,513
"Put Your Hands On Me" playing)
398
00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,727
(man) ♪ ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ♪
399
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:43,648
(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS
400
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:43,648
I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪
401
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:48,569
♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,
402
00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:48,569
IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪
403
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:52,449
♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪
404
00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:55,743
♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS
405
00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:55,743
SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪
406
00:08:55,785 --> 00:09:01,375
♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND,
407
00:08:55,785 --> 00:09:01,375
YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪
408
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,628
♪ IF I LOST MY MIND... ♪
409
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,628
WELL, WE CAN ALWAYS GO
410
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,628
FOR SECOND PLACE.
411
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,631
SECOND IS JUST
412
00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,631
THE FIRST LOSER.
413
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,592
♪ BECAUSE ALL I NEED ♪
414
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,179
♪ IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME, BABY ♪
415
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,306
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪
416
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,682
(horn honks)
417
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,643
(sighs)
418
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,643
TELL ROSIE
419
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,643
THAT FILTHY SCRUBBA,
420
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:24,398
HER FISH 'N' CHIPS
421
00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:24,398
WERE THE BEST. I MURDERED...
422
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,525
JAMES, CAN'T THINK OF YOU
423
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,525
RIGHT NOW.
424
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,402
DAWSON IS THE MOON!
425
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,654
(remote control clicks)
426
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,654
WE LET LIARS DIE
427
00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,654
ON THE TABLE IN MY I.C.U.
428
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,614
(click)
429
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,614
IF THERE'S ONE THING
430
00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,614
GRAMS TAUGHT ME,
431
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,075
IT'S NEVER TO TELL A LIE.
432
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,203
SO, YEAH, I MIGHT HAVE
433
00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,203
CHEATED ON THAT TEST.
434
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,497
BUT I'D NEVER NOT TELL
435
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,497
A GOOD FRIEND WHO TRUSTED ME
436
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,624
THAT STRANGERS WERE STAYING
437
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,624
IN MY KICK-ASS SoHo LOFT.
438
00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,625
AAH! NO!
439
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,794
ACCIDENTALLY FLIPPED
440
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,794
TO A C-SECTION ON TLC?
441
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,046
I DO THAT ALL THE TIME.
442
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,424
IT'S JAMES.
443
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,424
HE'S ON EVERY CHANNEL.
444
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:51,841
I THINK IT'S JUST MY GUILT.
445
00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,301
MAYBE HE'S JUST ON YOUR MIND.
446
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,887
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WANNA MAKE
447
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,887
LOVE TO A BOWLING PIN, RIGHT?
448
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,639
AND THEN SUDDENLY, EVERYBODY
449
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,639
LOOKS LIKE A BOWLING PIN.
450
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,518
(cell phone alert chimes)
451
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,518
TEXT FROM CHLOE.
452
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,686
OH. "I THOUGHT ABOUT
453
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,686
WHAT YOU SAID.
454
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,314
COME OVER TO JAMES' PLACE.
455
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,314
I THINK YOU'LL BE HAPPY."
456
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,650
I BET SHE DECIDED NOT
457
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,650
TO RENT OUT HIS PLACE!
458
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,652
IF YOU'RE LOOKING
459
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,652
FOR A GOOD C-SECTION SHOW,
460
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,654
"SLICE OF LIFE"
461
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,654
IS THE BEST ONE!
462
00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,654
(door opens and closes)
463
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,656
(horn honks in distance)
464
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,659
CHLOE!
465
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,659
I KNOW WHY I'M HERE.
466
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,911
YOU WANNA TELL ME
467
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,911
THAT YOU DECIDED
468
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,038
NOT TO RENT OUT JAMES' PLACE
469
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,038
BECAUSE YOU REALIZED
470
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,540
THAT LIES EAT YOUR HEART!
471
00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:27,043
OR SURPRISE
472
00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:27,043
OLIVE OIL TASTING!
473
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,712
LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE
474
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,712
DISAPPOINTED
475
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,672
THAT YOU COULDN'T DO THIS
476
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,672
WITH YOUR MOM,
477
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,174
SO I THREW YOU ONE HERE!
478
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,759
THIS IS WAY NICER
479
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,759
THAN OUR PLACE,
480
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,677
AND I EVEN INVITED
481
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,677
YOUR SISTER.
482
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,679
PEPPER IS NOT MY SISTER.
483
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,679
SHE IS MY CO-WORKER.
484
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,141
(mouth full) MMM. JUNE,
485
00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,141
GET THIS IN YOUR MOUTH NOW!
486
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,350
(gags)
487
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,354
MMM! DAMN! YOU TASTE
488
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,354
THAT DAMN ROSEMARY?
489
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,481
NO.
490
00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,481
MMM!
491
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,773
ALL I TASTE ARE THE LIES!
492
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,691
OOH! SOSERIOUS.
493
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,694
JUNE, I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU
494
00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,694
FOR NOT TELLING JAMES
495
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,280
ABOUT THIS NICE FAMILY
496
00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,280
FROM MINNESOTA
497
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,281
SUBLETTING HIS PLACE.
498
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,617
I'M SORRY, BUT IS IT NORMAL
499
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,910
FOR THE REALTOR
500
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,910
TO JUST COME IN WITH FRIENDS?
501
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,704
I AM THIS CLOSE TO CHARGING YOU
502
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,704
FOR UTILITIES, BOB.
503
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:06,707
CHLOE! THIS IS NOT HOW
504
00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:06,707
HONEST COLBURNS BEHAVE.
505
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,710
JUNE, RELAX. IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA
506
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,710
BE A PART OF THE SECRET,
507
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,087
THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T
508
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,087
HAVE HAD
509
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,713
YOUR OLIVE OIL TASTING PARTY
510
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,713
HERE.
511
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,633
YOU'RE RUINING THIS
512
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,633
FOR YOUR SISTER.
513
00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:16,343
YOU REALLY ARE, JUNE.
514
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,720
♪♪♪
515
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,556
I NEED GUIDANCE,
516
00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,556
PASTOR JIN.
517
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,724
I DON'T WANNA BURDEN JAMES
518
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,724
WITH THIS RIGHT NOW,
519
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,645
BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M FALLING
520
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,645
DOWN HER LIE HOLE WITH HER.
521
00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:27,895
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE.
522
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,524
AN OMISSION IS THE SAME
523
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,524
AS A LIE.
524
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:31,650
(bell dings)
525
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:32,691
OH.
526
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:39,407
ARE YOU... LIVING
527
00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:39,407
IN... YOUR OFFICE?
528
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:43,828
I AM. MR. PASTOR JIN AND I
529
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:43,828
HAVE HAD A PARTING OF THE WAYS.
530
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,996
I AM SO SORRY.
531
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,542
I AM, TOO. THE MARRIAGE
532
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,542
ENDED BECAUSE OF ME,
533
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,210
BECAUSE OF OMISSION.
534
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:53,754
EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND
535
00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:53,754
ASKED ME WHERE I'D BEEN,
536
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,423
AND I SIMPLY SAID "OUT"
537
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,551
INSTEAD OF
538
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,551
"OUT WITH RICK WILKINS,
539
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,802
THE MAN THAT MAKE ME
540
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,802
FEEL ALIVE AGAIN,"
541
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,847
I WAS LYING.
542
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,847
I SEE THAT NOW.
543
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,932
TELL THE TRUTH
544
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,932
TO THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE,
545
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,767
OR YOU WILL LOSE THEM.
546
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,812
SO... SHOULD I TELL JAMES
547
00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,812
THE TRUTH NOW,
548
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,272
OR SHOULD I WAIT?
549
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,272
'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF LIKE
550
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,774
WHEN YOU BORROW SOMEONE'S CAR
551
00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,774
AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY
552
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,235
SPILL COFFEE DOWN THE GEARSHIFT
553
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,235
AND YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA
554
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,819
TELL THEM BECAUSE THEY
555
00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,819
JUST HAD SURGERY--
556
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,573
OKAY, I DON'T HAVE TIME
557
00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,573
FOR METAPHORS, JUNE.
558
00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:22,701
I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND,
559
00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:22,701
OKAY? AHH!
560
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,663
(sighs)
561
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,663
OKAY, TELL THE TRUTH.
562
00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,582
BETTER TO START SMALL.
563
00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,957
(chimes)
564
00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:30,875
June.
565
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,169
MOM, I HAVE A CONFESSION
566
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,169
TO MAKE.
567
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,837
I HAD THE OLIVE OIL TASTING
568
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,837
WITHOUT YOU.
569
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,382
IT WAS SPRUNG ON ME.
570
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,382
I'M SO SORRY.
571
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,799
Okay.
572
00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,843
WOW. THAT WASN'T SO BAD.
573
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,054
THE NEXT CALL I HAVE TO MAKE
574
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,054
IS MUCH HARDER.
575
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,805
SEE, I HAD
576
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,805
THE OLIVE OIL TASTING
577
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,266
AT JAMES VAN DER BEEK'S PLACE.
578
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,808
CHLOE IS SUBLETTING IT OUT
579
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,808
TO STRANGERS
580
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,477
WHILE JAMES IS
581
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,477
IN LOS ANGELES, AND--
582
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,855
June, what--what the hell?
583
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,855
My place is being sublet?
584
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,816
JAMES? WH-WHAT ARE YOU
585
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,816
DOING IN INDIANA?
586
00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,277
Indiana? I'm not in Indiana.
587
00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,321
YOUR MOM'S IN LOS ANGELES.
588
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,364
WHAT?!
589
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,364
(door slams)
590
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,829
I'M SO SORRY, HONEY.
591
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,998
JAMES ASKED ME TO COME
592
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,998
BE IN THE LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE,
593
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,627
AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD
594
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,627
WE WORKED ON THIS--
595
00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:14,753
BUT YOU LIED TO ME!
596
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,837
PARENTS LIE TO THEIR CHILDREN
597
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,837
ALL THE TIME.
598
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,840
SO THAT STUFF ABOUT BEING
599
00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,840
DESCENDANTS OF HONEST ABE?
600
00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,884
YOU HAD TO WRITE A SCHOOL PAPER.
601
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,678
I WANTED TO MAKE IT
602
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,678
SOUND INTERESTING.
603
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,096
WHAT ELSE WAS A LIE?
604
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,434
RUFF RUFF WENT TO GO LIVE
605
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,434
ON A FARM.
606
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,436
GRANDMA WOULD HAVE WANTED ME
607
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,436
TO HAVE HER RINGS
608
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,853
IF SHE WERE LUCID.
609
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,897
MOMMY AND DADDY WERE
610
00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,897
IN THE SAME SLEEPING BAG
611
00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,651
BECAUSE IT WAS COLD.
612
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:41,571
MOMMY'S HEAD WAS BY DADDY'S FEET
613
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:41,571
BECAUSE HE HAD A SPLINTER.
614
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:45,866
EW.
615
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:45,866
MRS. COLBURN, I'M SO RELIEVED
616
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:45,866
TO HEAR YOU'RE A NORMAL PERSON
617
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,077
INSTEAD OF SOME WEIRD
618
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,077
HONESTY FREAK.
619
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,537
James, I know
620
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,247
YOU'RE PROBABLY MAD
621
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,247
THAT I SUBLET YOUR PLACE.
622
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874
"PROBABLY"?
623
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874
BUT I WAS GOING TO USE
624
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874
THE MONEY
625
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,876
TO FLY OUT THERE
626
00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,876
AND SEE YOU PERFORM.
627
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,339
AND? WHAT HAPPENED
628
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,339
WITH THAT?
629
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,175
WHAT DID HAPPEN WITH THAT?
630
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,261
TAKE THAT ANGER AND CHANNEL IT
631
00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,261
TOWARDS YOUR DANCE.
632
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:08,055
COME ON. LET'S GET YOU
633
00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:08,055
INTO YOUR COSTUME.
634
00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,890
JUNE, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY.
635
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,102
I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HELP JAMES
636
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,102
WITH THIS BOMB YOU DROPPED.
637
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,895
ALL THE LIES ALL THIS TIME?
638
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,064
I'll call you later,
639
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,064
and we will talk this all out.
640
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,818
WAIT. WHATEVER HAPPENED
641
00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,818
TO RUFF RUFF?
642
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:20,777
We left
643
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:20,777
the garage door open,
644
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,487
and your father
645
00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,487
backed over him.
646
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,906
(gasps)
647
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,906
He's buried under the arbor.
648
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,906
We'll talk it all out later!
649
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:26,907
(singsongy) Bye!
650
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:27,908
(June) MOM WAS LYING
651
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:27,908
TO ME,
652
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,369
MY DAD RAN OVER
653
00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,369
MY DOG--
654
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,621
SO MUCH FOR
655
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,621
THE HONEST COLBURNS.
656
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:34,957
(salsa music playing)
657
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,377
GOD, I MEAN,
658
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,377
I'M NERVOUS ENOUGH AS IT IS,
659
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,713
AND NOW CHLOE HAS STRANGERS
660
00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,713
STAYING IN MY PLACE.
661
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,174
I NEED TO GET HOME.
662
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,174
(stammers) THOSE ARE JUST
663
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,174
THINGS, JAMES.
664
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,010
RIGHT NOW YOU ARE HERE
665
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,010
WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU
666
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,929
AND MILLIONS OF AMERICANS
667
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,929
WHO ARE ROOTING FOR YOU
668
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,973
TO KILL THE CHA-CHA TONIGHT.
669
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,392
THAT IS WHAT MATTERS, JAMES.
670
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,019
THINGS DON'T MATTER.
671
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,019
PEOPLE MATTER.
672
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:58,147
NO, THINGS MATTER. I-I--
673
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:58,147
WHY DID I TAKE MY PEOPLE
674
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,940
AND LEAVE MY THINGS?
675
00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,940
I SHOULD'VE TAKEN MY THINGS!
676
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:00,941
I NEED TO BE WITH MY THINGS!
677
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,027
OKAY, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
678
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,027
IS CALM DOWN!
679
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,945
I CAN'T CALM DOWN!
680
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,945
ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT
681
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,533
ARE LOOSE MIDWESTERN HAIRS...
682
00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,533
(whispers) IN MY SHOWER.
683
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,950
JAMES!
684
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,952
SIT DOWN. I MADE YOU
685
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,952
A NICE CUP OF TEA.
686
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,872
AND JUST GET YOUR HEAD RIGHT.
687
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,168
(slurps)
688
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,007
MOMS ALWAYS KNOW
689
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,007
WHAT TO DO.
690
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,844
IT'S SOMETHING I PICKED UP
691
00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,844
IN CHINATOWN.
692
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,555
WARM TEA IS LIKE A HUG
693
00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,555
FOR YOUR INSIDES.
694
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,056
(dish clatters)
695
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,683
HOW ABOUT A HUG
696
00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,683
FOR MY OUTSIDES?
697
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,351
(laughs)
698
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:39,606
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
699
00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:39,606
ARMS GO UNDER HIS LIKE THAT.
700
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,107
THERE YOU GO, BABY.
701
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,151
(siren wailing in distance)
702
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,779
(June) I HAD IT
703
00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,779
WITH HONESTY.
704
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,364
I'M GONNA START LYING
705
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,364
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
706
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,991
I APPRECIATE THE FACT
707
00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,991
THAT YOU NEED A DONATION,
708
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,494
AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE
709
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,494
TO SAVE THE CHILDREN,
710
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,079
BUT I HAVE
711
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,079
SEVEN CHILDREN OF MY OWN,
712
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,081
AND I'M MORBIDLY OBESE
713
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,081
AND UNABLE TO WORK.
714
00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:02,002
TYLER! STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER
715
00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:02,002
AND GO GET ME A SNACK PIE!
716
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,047
HI, NANCY. I CAN'T COME
717
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,047
TO OUR SIXTH GRADE REUNION
718
00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,800
BECAUSE I'M LIVING IN FRANCE.
719
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,051
I BROKE UP
720
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,051
JOHNNY DEPP'S RELATIONSHIP.
721
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,805
IT'S OKAY. I JUST CAN'T BE
722
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,805
IN THE CHOCOLATERIE
723
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:14,098
AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS EX,
724
00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:14,098
VANESSA, BUT IT'S COOL.
725
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:17,017
TYLER! THAT PIE!
726
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,646
AS AN NYC WHISKEY INSPECTOR,
727
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,440
I WILL NEED TO TRY ALL
728
00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,440
OF YOUR WHISKEYS FREE OF CHARGE.
729
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,024
IF YOU COULD JUST START
730
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,024
FROM YOUR FINEST
731
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,486
AND WORK YOUR WAY BACK,
732
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,486
THAT'D BE GREAT. THANK YOU.
733
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,196
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
734
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,196
I'M LYING, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
735
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,073
I TOLD THAT BOOTH
736
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,073
OVER THERE
737
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,450
THAT I WAS THE CHEF HERE,
738
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,076
AND THEN I CAN'T REMEMBER
739
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,076
WHO IT WAS
740
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,245
BUT I TOLD SOMEONE IN HERE
741
00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,245
THAT I'M A SURGEON.
742
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:37,956
AND THEN THOSE HOT GUYS
743
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:37,956
OVER THERE,
744
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,290
I TOLD THEM
745
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,290
THAT I WAS A JOURNALIST
746
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,042
DOING A STORY ON SEXY.
747
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:43,043
THAT'LL PAY OFF LATER.
748
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,046
THIS BAR IS A TEAT,
749
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,046
AND I'M MILKING IT.
750
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,048
OKAY,
751
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,048
HERE'S OUR FIRST WHISKEY.
752
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,092
IT'S A SINGLE BARREL
753
00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,092
FROM SCOTLAND.
754
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,011
LET'S SEE. OKAY.
755
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,723
THERE'S DEFINITELY
756
00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,723
A HINT OF SMOKE.
757
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,475
IT'S ICED TEA.
758
00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,475
YOU'RE A TERRIBLE LIAR.
759
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,893
THAT'LL BE $16.
760
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,227
FOR ICED TEA?!
761
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,980
I AM NOT
762
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,980
A TERRIBLE LIAR.
763
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,314
I INHERITED IT FROM MY MOTHER,
764
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,274
AND SHE'S ACTUALLY
765
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,274
REALLY GOOD AT IT.
766
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,067
STOP. WHAT YOUR MOTHER
767
00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,067
WAS DOING
768
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,069
HAD NOTHING TO DO
769
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,069
WITH BAR LIES.
770
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,782
BAR LIES ARE SUPPOSED
771
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,782
TO BE FUN AND FLIRTY.
772
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,493
WHAT YOUR MOM WAS DOING
773
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,493
WAS A TOTAL BETRAYAL OF TRUST.
774
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,161
YOU KNOW WHAT,
775
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,161
YOU'RE JUST MAKING EXCUSES.
776
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,747
IT'S ALL ONE BIG
777
00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,747
SWEATY BALL OF LIES.
778
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,081
NO, IT'S NOT.
779
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,583
IT'S DIFFERENT
780
00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,583
WHEN YOU LIE TO STRANGERS
781
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,585
THAN WHEN YOU LIE
782
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,585
TO SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS YOU.
783
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,880
OH, YOU MEAN LIKE HOW
784
00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,880
YOU LIE TO YOUR FRIEND JAMES
785
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:30,049
AND RENT OUT HIS APARTMENT
786
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:30,049
EVERY TIME HE GOES OUT OF TOWN?
787
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,554
WELL, HE DID ASK YOU
788
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,554
TO PAY YOLANDA.
789
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,097
BY NOT ASKING ME, HE'S SAYING
790
00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,097
THAT I CAN'T BE TRUSTED
791
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,934
WHICH IS PRACTICALLY GIVING ME
792
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,934
PERMISSION TO RENT IT OUT.
793
00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:41,101
HE BEGGED ME TO DO IT.
794
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,103
CRAP! I FORGOT
795
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,103
TO PAY YOLANDA.
796
00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,981
SO WE BOTH SCREWED JAMES.
797
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:47,107
AHA! SO YOU DO ADMIT
798
00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:47,107
THAT YOU SCREWED HIM.
799
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,108
YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE, CHLOE.
800
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,236
DAMN IT! UGH!
801
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:53,823
(gags)
802
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,116
ICED TEA.
803
00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,116
OH, YEAH, I GOT THAT.
804
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,202
UGH! I FEEL TERRIBLE, JUNE.
805
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,121
OKAY, SO TO RECAP--
806
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:03,123
YOU LIE TO NO ONE.
807
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,167
I LIE ONLY TO STRANGERS
808
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,167
IN BARS
809
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,210
BUT NOT TO FRIENDS.
810
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,295
NO, NO, NO. NO LIES.
811
00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,295
EVER AGAIN.
812
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,339
(laughs)
813
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,759
THANKS, JUNE.
814
00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,759
THANKS FOR MAKING ME LAUGH.
815
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,343
WELL, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST
816
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,343
PAY BACK JAMES
817
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,804
FOR ALL THE MONEY THAT YOU MADE
818
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,804
RENTING OUT HIS PLACE.
819
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:20,140
(laughs)
820
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,936
OH, THANKS FOR MAKING ME
821
00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,936
LAUGH AGAIN.
822
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,353
OH, RIGHT, NO.
823
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,524
(man) WELCOME BACK TO...
824
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:33,237
EARLIER, SUPERMAN, DEAN CAIN,
825
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:33,237
FLEW PAST THE COMPETITION,
826
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,865
AND NOW WELCOME
827
00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,865
JAMES VAN DER BEEK
828
00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:39,077
AND VALENTINA DELGADO!
829
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,413
(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS
830
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,413
I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪
831
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,085
(audience gasps)
832
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,085
♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,
833
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,085
IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪
834
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,169
(under breath) JAMES!
835
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,169
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
836
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171
(knock on door)
837
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171
OH, MY GOD, JAMES.
838
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171
WHAT THE HELL?
839
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,549
(knock)
840
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,175
IS THIS MY HOUSE?
841
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,678
IS THIS PART OF THE SHOW?
842
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,678
NO, THAT'S NOT A PART
843
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,678
OF THE SHOW.
844
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,388
JAMES, JAMES,
845
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,388
GET IT TOGETHER.
846
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:02,016
THERE ARE 20 MILLION PEOPLE
847
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:02,016
WATCHING.
848
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,018
THERE'S TOO MANY.
849
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,018
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
850
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,018
(audience gasping)
851
00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,185
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
852
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:09,398
THIS IS A DISASTER
853
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:09,398
OF BELVEDERIAN PROPORTIONS.
854
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,608
DO YOU THINK
855
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,608
IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO
856
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,610
WITH THAT CHINESE TEA
857
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,610
I GAVE HIM?
858
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,656
I DIDN'T HAVE MY READING GLASSES
859
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,656
WHEN I BOUGHT IT.
860
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,908
BITCH! YOU DOSED HIM!
861
00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,367
OHH!
862
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,620
ARE MY HANDS MADE OUT
863
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,620
OF POUND CAKE?
864
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,620
(music stops)
865
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,664
I THINK MY HANDS
866
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,664
ARE MADE OUT OF POUND CAKE.
867
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,206
PEOPLE IN MY BEDROOM!
868
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,206
CUT! CUT!
869
00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:27,207
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
870
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,208
LOOK, VAN DER BEEK'S
871
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,208
BREAKING DOWN.
872
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,211
PULL FRED SAVAGE
873
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,211
OUT OF MAKEUP NOW.
874
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:35,257
♪♪♪
875
00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,220
(rewinding)
876
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:43,223
...PEOPLE. THERE'S TOO MANY.
877
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:43,223
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
878
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,433
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
879
00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,433
WHY ARE THEY...
880
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,226
OH, MY GOD.
881
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,226
WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE
882
00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,226
IN MY BEDROOM?!
883
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,313
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
884
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,313
(turns off TV)
885
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,439
(dials, beep)
886
00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:51,231
(phone rings)
887
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,233
(groans)
888
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:54,652
JAMES, WHAT HAPPENED?
889
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,529
JUNE'S MOM GAVE ME TEA.
890
00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,158
WITH MESSED-UP
891
00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,158
RADISH PEOPLE ON THE BOX.
892
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,909
I DIDN'T HAVE
893
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,909
MY READING GLASSES!
894
00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,327
HOW BAD WAS IT?
895
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,329
BE HONEST WITH ME.
896
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,289
YOU KNOW, IT'S ACTUALLY
897
00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,289
NOT THAT BAD.
898
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,334
IT IS TERRIBLE!
899
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,334
YOUR WHOLE CAREER IS OVER!
900
00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:14,463
(moaning and whimpering)
901
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,631
(whispering)
902
00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,631
HONESTY. HONESTY.
903
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:16,966
(clenches teeth) YEAH.
904
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:16,966
I HAVE TO BE HONEST.
905
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:19,010
YEAH.
906
00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:19,010
(door slams)
907
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:26,893
HELLO. HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED
908
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:26,893
THIS EPISODE OF "APARTMENT 23,"
909
00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,435
BECAUSE I DIDN'T.
910
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,729
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD
911
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,729
I HAD TO WORK
912
00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,313
TO LEARN THAT DANCE ROUTINE?
913
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,440
AND THE PRODUCERS CUT IT DOWN
914
00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,440
TO, WHAT, LIKE, 20 SECONDS?
915
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,276
UH-UH. NO WAY.
916
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,276
NOT ON MY WATCH.
917
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,279
YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA.
918
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,907
(woman speaks indistinctly)
919
00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,907
(beep)
920
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:44,284
(woman) 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8.
921
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:48,455
(Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS
922
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:48,455
I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪
923
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:53,335
♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP,
924
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:53,335
IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪
925
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:57,173
♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪
926
00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:00,384
♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS
927
00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:00,384
SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪
928
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:03,930
♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND,
929
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:03,930
YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪
930
00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,347
♪ ME SEE ♪
931
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:08,517
♪ IF I LOST MY MIND,
932
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:08,517
YOU'D FIND IT FOR ME ♪
933
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:12,939
♪ SPEAK ON IT, BABE,
934
00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:12,939
TELL ME WHAT DO YOU NEED? ♪
935
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,900
♪ NEED IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME,
936
00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,900
BABY ♪
937
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,027
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪
938
00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:21,822
♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪
939
00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:21,822
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪
940
00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:24,324
♪ YOU GOT ME FLIPPING ♪
941
00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:26,410
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪
942
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:29,329
♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪
943
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:29,329
♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪
944
00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,041
♪ MMM ♪
945
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,085
THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
56630
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