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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,046 (man) WELCOME BACK 2 00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,046 TO THE SEASON PREMIERE OF... 3 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,508 NEXT CONTESTANTS-- 4 00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:07,508 VALENTINA DELGADO 5 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:08,509 AND JAMES VAN DER BEEK! 6 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:09,969 (June) SOONER OR LATER, 7 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,847 WE ALL HAVE TO FACE 8 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,847 OUR OWN MOMENT OF TRUTH. 9 00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:16,308 AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK, 10 00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:16,308 THE COUNTLESS HOURS OF SWEAT, 11 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,226 TEARS, AND PREPARATION, 12 00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:20,061 JAMES WAS ABOUT TO FACE HIS. 13 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:23,064 IT MADE ME WONDER, WHEN I WAS 14 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:23,064 FACED WITH MY MOMENT OF TRUTH, 15 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:24,232 WHEN THE SPOTLIGHT WAS ON ME, 16 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:25,943 HOW WOULD I RESPOND? 17 00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:28,445 I CAN'T COME IN TO WORK TODAY. 18 00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:28,445 I'M IN THE HOSPITAL. 19 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:31,072 I BURNED MY FINGERTIPS OFF 20 00:00:28,487 --> 00:00:31,072 SAVING A BUNCH OF CUBANS 21 00:00:31,114 --> 00:00:32,658 FROM A BAKERY FIRE. 22 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,075 TURNS OUT--NOT WELL. 23 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:37,078 ALSO, I HAVE BLACK LUNG. 24 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:38,079 (imitates wheezing) 25 00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:40,081 NOT WELL AT ALL. 26 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,376 (Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT 27 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,376 PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪ 28 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:44,085 ♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪ 29 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,921 (whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪ 30 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,921 (buzzer) 31 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:48,465 ♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪ 32 00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:52,135 ♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪ 33 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,095 (cheers and applause) 34 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,095 (amplified voice) ALL RIGHT, 35 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:54,095 EVERYBODY, THANK YOU SO MUCH 36 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,764 FOR COMING 37 00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:55,764 TO MY GOING AWAY PARTY. 38 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,140 LET ME MAKE A PROMISE 39 00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,140 RIGHT HERE AND NOW. 40 00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,101 VALENTINA AND I ARE GONNA WIN 41 00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,101 "DANCING WITH THE STARS." 42 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,979 (both) WHOO! 43 00:01:00,143 --> 00:01:01,979 (cheers and applause) 44 00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:03,146 (microphone feedback whines) 45 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,773 (amplified voice) I WOULD 46 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,773 TAKE A BULLET FOR THIS MAN. 47 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:05,983 (clenched teeth) 48 00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:05,983 LUTHER, TIGHTEN IT UP. 49 00:01:06,025 --> 00:01:07,108 MY AGENT'S HERE. 50 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,777 DID YOU HEAR THAT, MOM? 51 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:08,777 (Connie) So exciting. 52 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,112 YEAH, JAMES AND LUTHER 53 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,112 ARE LEAVING FOR L.A. TOMORROW. 54 00:01:11,154 --> 00:01:12,280 What's James doing now? 55 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:15,534 UH, RIGHT NOW 56 00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:15,534 JAMES AND LUTHER ARE... 57 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:18,119 ARM WRESTLING OVER 58 00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:18,119 A GLASS OF WHITE WINE. 59 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:20,205 (stammering) 60 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:20,205 (murmuring indistinctly) 61 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,541 OH, I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU 62 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:22,541 TO COME HERE! 63 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,044 ME, TOO. I'VE NEVER 64 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:25,044 BEEN TO NEW YORK. 65 00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:28,129 It'll be so much fun watching 66 00:01:25,084 --> 00:01:28,129 the premiere with you. 67 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,297 WAIT WAIT. IS THAT 68 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,297 MY FAVORITE M.I.L.T.T.T.? 69 00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,050 "MOTHER I LIKE TO TALK TO"? 70 00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,218 COME HERE. 71 00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,218 CONNIE, MY DANCE GURU. 72 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,220 I WOULD NOT BE HERE 73 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:35,220 WITHOUT YOU. 74 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,513 I FEEL SO READY, 75 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,513 AND BY THE WAY, 76 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:37,639 YOU WERE SO RIGHT 77 00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:37,639 ABOUT THE RAISINS. 78 00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,058 THEY DID THE TRICK. 79 00:01:39,098 --> 00:01:40,141 (chuckles) L.A. 80 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,020 I ACTUALLY KNOW A LOT 81 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,020 ABOUT THE BUSINESS. 82 00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,354 I WAS A FAMOUS BABY ACTOR. 83 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,648 I WAS IN A MOVIE-- 84 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:46,648 YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD OF IT-- 85 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,525 CALLED, UM, 86 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,525 "THREE MEN AND A BABY." 87 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,402 CHLOE, THAT IS NOT TRUE. 88 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,402 YOU CAN'T JUST TELL PEOPLE 89 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,195 ANYTHING YOU WANT. 90 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,031 WHAT? I'M JUST HAVING 91 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,031 SOME FUN. 92 00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:56,533 YEAH, SO THERE ARE 93 00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:56,533 SEVERAL FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS 94 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,744 OF ME CURLED UP 95 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,744 IN TED DANSON'S WIG. 96 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,245 IT'S ADORABLE. 97 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,790 WAIT. DANSON HAD 98 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,790 HIS REAL HAIR BACK THEN. 99 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,792 WHAT DO YOU THINK 100 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:04,792 ABOUT JIMMY FALLON? 101 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:07,044 I LOVE HOW FALLON LAUGHS 102 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:07,044 AT HIS OWN JOKES. 103 00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:08,336 YOU'RE WATCHING 104 00:02:07,086 --> 00:02:08,336 AND YOU'RE THINKING, 105 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,338 "HE'S LAUGHING, 106 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,338 SO IT MUST BE FUNNY." 107 00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:13,759 RIGHT. (laughs) 108 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,010 YOU ARE SO LUCKY 109 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,386 THAT EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION 110 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,386 ON JIMMY FALLON. 111 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,263 OTHERWISE, YOU'D BE 112 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:18,263 TOTALLY BUSTED. 113 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,390 RELAX. THEY'RE JUST 114 00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,390 SILLY LITTLE BAR LIES. 115 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:21,809 IT DOESN'T HURT ANYBODY, 116 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,184 AND WE GET ATTENTION 117 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,184 AND FREE DRINKS. 118 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:25,186 WHEN MY MOTHER COMES HERE, 119 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:25,186 I'M GONNA HAVE HER 120 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,815 TALK TO YOU ABOUT 121 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,815 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING HONEST. 122 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:31,192 WE ARE DESCENDANTS OF 123 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:31,192 "HONEST ABE" LINCOLN HIMSELF. 124 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,278 WE ARE KNOWN 125 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:33,278 AS THE "HONEST COLBURNS." 126 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,448 JOCELYN? 127 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:36,448 JOCELYN HOLMES, IS THAT YOU? 128 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,492 IT'S JAMES VAN DER BEEK! 129 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:41,578 I'M JUST IN TOWN VISITING 130 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:41,578 MY COUSIN, KATIE HOLMES. 131 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:44,205 (laughs) I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU 132 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:44,205 SINCE OUR THREE-WAY. 133 00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,416 KATIE HOLMES' COUSIN? 134 00:02:46,458 --> 00:02:48,209 LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK. 135 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:49,210 JAMES IS DOING 136 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:49,210 MY FAVORITE BAR LIE 137 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,212 AS A GOING-AWAY PRESENT. 138 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:53,465 I'M GONNA MISS HIM SO MUCH. 139 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,717 SO, YEAH, KATIE HOLMES AND I 140 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,717 ARE ONLY COUSINS, 141 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:58,303 BUT WE'RE AS FLIRTY 142 00:02:55,759 --> 00:02:58,303 AS SISTERS. 143 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,014 THAT'S WEIRD. 144 00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:02,850 (June) AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE 145 00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:02,850 MY MOM TO TIMES SQUARE, 146 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,727 AND THEN I'M GONNA HAVE 147 00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,727 AN OLIVE OIL TASTING. 148 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:06,728 (squeals) 149 00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:06,728 (laughs) 150 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:10,231 I LOVE OLIVE OIL! 151 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:10,231 I HATE MAYONNAISE. 152 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:14,277 I HATE IT. 153 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:14,277 (cell phone rings and beeps) 154 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,238 JUNE, I'M AT THE JAR BAR. 155 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,238 YOU HAVE TO GET DOWN HERE. 156 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,240 I TOLD MY BAR LIE 157 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:19,240 ABOUT HOW I INVENTED 158 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,660 THAT SUPERIMPOSED YELLOW LINE 159 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:21,660 FOR FOOTBALL GAMES ON TV, 160 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,620 AND I'M GETTING 161 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,620 A THOUSAND FREE DRINKS. 162 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:26,331 THANKS TO YOU, MY GIRLFRIEND 163 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:26,331 LOVES AND UNDERSTANDS FOOTBALL. 164 00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,042 GO, SPORTS TEAM. 165 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:29,250 AS A HONEST COLBURN, 166 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,252 IT IS MY OBLIGATION 167 00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,252 TO COME BAIL YOU OUT. 168 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:34,422 IN RETURN, YOU ARE GOING TO GET 169 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:34,422 MY SARAH McLACHLAN CD 170 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,257 FROM THE CRACK BETWEEN 171 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,257 THE COUNTER AND THE OVEN. 172 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,926 (door opens, bells jingle) 173 00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,926 IT IS MY COOKING MUSIC. 174 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,178 Get your ass down here-- 175 00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,178 (beep) 176 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,512 WAS THAT 177 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,512 JAMES VAN DER BEEK? 178 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,639 NO, PEPPER. NOT EVERYONE 179 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,639 THAT CALLS ME 180 00:03:42,681 --> 00:03:44,265 IS JAMES VAN DER BEEK. 181 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,267 I MEAN, DO I ASK YOU 182 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,267 IF EVERY MALE CUSTOMER 183 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,521 IS YOUR OLD SWIM COACH THAT 184 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,521 TRIED TO GRAB YOUR BOOB? 185 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:53,441 (horn blares in distance) 186 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,276 SO I WAS DATING 187 00:03:53,483 --> 00:03:55,276 THE GUY FROM FOX SPORTS, 188 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,987 AND I WAS LIKE, 189 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,987 "YOU SHOULD REALLY SEE 190 00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,489 WHERE THE BALL'S 191 00:03:57,029 --> 00:03:59,489 SUPPOSED TO BE," YOU KNOW? 192 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,367 ESPN WAS THE FIRST NETWORK 193 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,367 TO USE THAT TECHNOLOGY. 194 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,911 WHAT DO YOU THINK 195 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,911 OF JIMMY FALLON? 196 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,704 (scoffs) LOVE HIM! 197 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,704 I HEARD HE MARRIED 198 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,330 DREW BARRYMORE'S 199 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,330 BUSINESS PARTNER. 200 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,958 MM. (giggles) 201 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:09,958 OH, FALLON. GOD. 202 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,335 ONE DAY YOU ARE GONNA FALL 203 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,335 SO DEEP DOWN YOUR LIE HOLE, 204 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,171 YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE 205 00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:14,171 TO GET OUT. 206 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,463 UNLESS I FALL DOWN 207 00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,463 YOUR PIE HOLE FIRST, 208 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,298 BECAUSE YOU KEEP YAPPIN'. 209 00:04:17,340 --> 00:04:18,717 (cell phone rings) 210 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,885 (beep) 211 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:19,885 HI, MOM! 212 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,302 OH, MY GOSH. 213 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,302 I WAS JUST GONNA CALL YOU. 214 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,555 I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU 215 00:04:21,344 --> 00:04:23,555 ABOUT OUR OLIVE OIL TASTING. 216 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,225 HONEY, I'M NOT GONNA BE ABLE 217 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,225 TO VISIT YOU IN NEW YORK. 218 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,684 OH, NO. WHY? 219 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,310 YOUR FATHER'S 220 00:04:27,726 --> 00:04:29,310 NOT FEELING WELL, 221 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,311 and, oh, I'm so sorry. 222 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,023 IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. 223 00:04:30,353 --> 00:04:33,023 I-I UNDERSTAND. 224 00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:34,024 I GOTTA GET BACK 225 00:04:33,065 --> 00:04:34,024 TO YOUR FATHER. 226 00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:35,316 HE'S ON COLD MEDICINE, 227 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:37,027 AND I'M AFRAID 228 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:37,027 HE'S GONNA USE THE STOVE. 229 00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:38,403 DONALD! 230 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,781 AND THIS LITTLE GUY PLAYED 231 00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:40,781 THE DOG IN "ANNIE" ON BROADWAY 232 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:43,366 FOR EIGHT YEARS. 233 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,785 CHLOE, WHERE DID YOU 234 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:44,785 GET THAT? 235 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,578 I FOUND HIM OUTSIDE 236 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,578 WHEN YOU WERE ON THE PHONE. 237 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,456 HILARIOUS, RIGHT? 238 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,456 (whimpers) 239 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:56,337 (Luther, singsongy) 240 00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:56,337 LOS ANGELES. 241 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:59,174 LOOK AT US. 242 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:59,174 WE'RE LIKE LUCY AND DESI. 243 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:03,262 WHOO! ALL RIGHT. OH! 244 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,347 OKAY, SO WE'RE SUPPOSED 245 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,347 TO GET A TOUR OF THE STAGE 246 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:07,641 AND THE GREEN ROOM. 247 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,434 FINAL DRESS IS TOMORROW 248 00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,434 AT 4:00. 249 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,769 LIVE SHOW, THE DAY AFTER. 250 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,271 WAIT A MINUTE. LUTHER, 251 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,271 I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING. 252 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,355 DID WE LEAVE A CHECK 253 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,355 FOR YOLANDA? 254 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:15,440 WELL, NO, YOU'RE NOT 255 00:05:14,397 --> 00:05:15,440 GONNA BE AT YOUR PLACE. 256 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:16,733 WHY WOULD THE MAID COME? 257 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,943 WHY DO YOU HATE YOLANDA? 258 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,737 (scoffs) 259 00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,737 I DO NOT HATE YOLANDA. 260 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,823 IT'S JUST... 261 00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:22,823 IF YOU'RE EL SALVADORIAN, 262 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,366 DON'T PRETEND 263 00:05:22,864 --> 00:05:25,366 TO BE GUATEMALAN, YOU KNOW? 264 00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:26,367 (cell phone beeps) 265 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,620 (cell phone rings) 266 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,371 (door bells jingle, 267 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,371 cell phone beeps) 268 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:33,750 HI, JAMES... 269 00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:33,750 VAN DER BEEK. 270 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,169 LISTEN, CAN YOU DO ME 271 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,169 A HUGE FAVOR? 272 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:37,087 I THINK I FORGOT TO LEAVE 273 00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:37,087 A CHECK FOR MY MAID. 274 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,298 CAN YOU GO TO MY PLACE 275 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:39,298 AND WRITE ONE FOR HER? 276 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,381 OH, OF COURSE. 277 00:05:39,338 --> 00:05:40,381 NO PROBLEM. 278 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,760 OHH. THANK YOU. 279 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:43,760 THE DOORMAN'S NAME IS... 280 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:47,430 MARTIN. HE HAS A KEY. 281 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:47,430 ALARM CODE IS 74, 282 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,391 THE NUMBER OF TIMES 283 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,391 JAMES HAS CRIED ON FILM. 284 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,561 CHECKBOOK AND SIGNATURE STAMP 285 00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,561 ARE IN THE TOP DESK DRAWER. 286 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:57,398 MAKE THE CHECK OUT 287 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:57,398 TO YOLANDA MARTINEZ. 288 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,401 OH, AND IN THE MEMO SECTION, 289 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,401 WRITE "FOR BOOB JOB." 290 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,403 IT'S A PRIVATE JOKE. 291 00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,403 SHE'LL KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. 292 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,198 I AM ON IT, JAMES. 293 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,198 DON'T YOU WORRY. 294 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,407 MY MOTHER RAISED ME 295 00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:06,407 TO BE AN HONEST COLBURN. 296 00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:08,285 I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN. 297 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,411 THANK YOU, JUNE. 298 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:10,411 I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU. 299 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456 OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, I CAN'T 300 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456 TRUST CHLOE TO DO IT, SO... 301 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,456 (honks horn) 302 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:14,708 WELL, THAT'S NOT TRUE. 303 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,626 I MEAN, SHE TELLS BAR LIES 304 00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,626 TO GET FREE DRINKS, 305 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,838 BUT DEEP DOWN, 306 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,838 SHE IS A GOOD PERSON. 307 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,090 IS THAT JOHN GOODMAN? 308 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,800 GO. GO, GO, GO, GO, 309 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,800 GO, GO, GO. 310 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:27,679 (whirring) 311 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,224 (beep) 312 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,224 HE HAD TO GO. 313 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,224 HE SAW JOHN GOODMAN. 314 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:31,432 (gasps) "NORM!" 315 00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,684 (door bells jingle) 316 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,733 AS YOU CAN SEE, 317 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,733 GREAT LIGHT, CITY VIEWS. 318 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,442 WAIT TILL YOU SEE 319 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:41,442 THE MASTER BATH. 320 00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,028 CHLOE, 321 00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:43,028 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 322 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,612 OH, HI. 323 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,612 I'M BEING A REALTOR. 324 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,615 I'M RENTING OUT JAMES' PLACE 325 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:47,615 WHILE HE'S GONE. 326 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,450 ANY QUESTIONS, 327 00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:49,450 DON'T HESITATE TO CALL. 328 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,703 I'M ALL ABOUT PUTTING SOMEONE 329 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:51,703 IN JAMES' HOME. 330 00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,413 (door slams) 331 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,462 YOU'RE PRETENDING 332 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,462 TO BE A REALTOR? 333 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,466 CHLOE, THIS IS WAY WORSE 334 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:05,466 THAN HARMLESS BAR LIES. 335 00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,676 YOU CAN'T DO THIS. 336 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,346 YES, I CAN. I ALWAYS 337 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,346 RENT JAMES' APARTMENT 338 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,098 WHEN HE GOES ON LOCATION 339 00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:11,098 FOR CHUNKS OF TIME. 340 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,146 I MAKE EXTRA INCOME, 341 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,146 SOME LUCKY FAMILY HAS 342 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,481 AN AWESOME PLACE TO STAY, 343 00:07:18,188 --> 00:07:20,481 AND NO ONE'S THE WISER. 344 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,483 YOU HAVE FALLEN DOWN 345 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:22,483 YOUR LIE HOLE. 346 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,485 YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE 347 00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:24,485 OF JAMES. 348 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,486 I HAVE TO TELL HIM. 349 00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,530 OH, DON'T TELL HIM. HI. 350 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,490 SEE THAT VIEW? 351 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:29,490 ICONIC MANHATTAN. 352 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,868 YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE. 353 00:07:29,532 --> 00:07:31,868 JUST DON'T SAY ANYTHING. 354 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,578 YOU CAN'T BE DISHONEST 355 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,578 WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT. 356 00:07:36,539 --> 00:07:37,498 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 357 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,500 OMISSION IS NOT 358 00:07:37,540 --> 00:07:39,500 THE SAME AS LYING. 359 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,002 NOW JAMES NEEDS TO FOCUS 360 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,002 ON ONE THING, 361 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,503 AND THAT'S DANCING. 362 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,381 DON'T YOU THINK IT'S 363 00:07:42,545 --> 00:07:44,381 A LITTLE SELFISH AND UNFAIR 364 00:07:44,423 --> 00:07:46,758 TO SPRING THIS ON HIM NOW? 365 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,509 I GUESS 366 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,509 THIS ISN'T THE BEST TIME. 367 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,512 NOT IF YOU WANT HIM TO WIN. 368 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,512 SO YOU WON'T TELL HIM? 369 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:55,976 (sighs) MAYBE IT IS BETTER 370 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:55,976 THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW RIGHT NOW. 371 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,518 (man over P.A.) 372 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,518 FINAL DRESS REHEARSAL. 373 00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,562 DEAN CAIN AND KARINA SMIRNOFF. 374 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:02,482 (tango music playing) 375 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,114 OKAY, LOOK, THIS IS JUST 376 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:09,114 REHEARSAL, PAPI, OKAY? 377 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,531 LET'S SEE IF THEY 378 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,531 CAN DO THIS TOMORROW 379 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,533 WHEN THIS PLACE IS PACKED 380 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,533 WITH SCREAMING FANS 381 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,535 AND BROADCAST TO MILLIONS 382 00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:14,535 OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD. 383 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,536 I LET DEAN BORROW 384 00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,536 SOME OF YOUR BRONZER. 385 00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:16,537 YOU WHAT?! 386 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,581 RELAX. FOCUS. 387 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,581 AH-AH. AH-AH. 388 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,708 FOCUS. 389 00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,210 (song ends) 390 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,587 (amplified voice) GREAT. OKAY. 391 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,587 DEAN AND KARINA WILL EXIT... 392 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,755 ALL RIGHT, LOOK, 393 00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:25,755 IT DOESN'T MATTER. 394 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,757 JAMES AND VALENTINA ARE NEXT. 395 00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:31,594 (woman) 5, 6, 7, 8... 396 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,513 (Joss Stone's 397 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,513 "Put Your Hands On Me" playing) 398 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:39,727 (man) ♪ ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR ♪ 399 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:43,648 (Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS 400 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:43,648 I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪ 401 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:48,569 ♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP, 402 00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:48,569 IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪ 403 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:52,449 ♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪ 404 00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:55,743 ♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS 405 00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:55,743 SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪ 406 00:08:55,785 --> 00:09:01,375 ♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND, 407 00:08:55,785 --> 00:09:01,375 YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪ 408 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,628 ♪ IF I LOST MY MIND... ♪ 409 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,628 WELL, WE CAN ALWAYS GO 410 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:05,628 FOR SECOND PLACE. 411 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,631 SECOND IS JUST 412 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,631 THE FIRST LOSER. 413 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,592 ♪ BECAUSE ALL I NEED ♪ 414 00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,179 ♪ IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME, BABY ♪ 415 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,306 ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪ 416 00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:17,682 (horn honks) 417 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,643 (sighs) 418 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,643 TELL ROSIE 419 00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,643 THAT FILTHY SCRUBBA, 420 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:24,398 HER FISH 'N' CHIPS 421 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:24,398 WERE THE BEST. I MURDERED... 422 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,525 JAMES, CAN'T THINK OF YOU 423 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,525 RIGHT NOW. 424 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,402 DAWSON IS THE MOON! 425 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,654 (remote control clicks) 426 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,654 WE LET LIARS DIE 427 00:09:28,443 --> 00:09:31,654 ON THE TABLE IN MY I.C.U. 428 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,614 (click) 429 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,614 IF THERE'S ONE THING 430 00:09:31,696 --> 00:09:33,614 GRAMS TAUGHT ME, 431 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,075 IT'S NEVER TO TELL A LIE. 432 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,203 SO, YEAH, I MIGHT HAVE 433 00:09:35,116 --> 00:09:38,203 CHEATED ON THAT TEST. 434 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,497 BUT I'D NEVER NOT TELL 435 00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,497 A GOOD FRIEND WHO TRUSTED ME 436 00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,624 THAT STRANGERS WERE STAYING 437 00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:43,624 IN MY KICK-ASS SoHo LOFT. 438 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:44,625 AAH! NO! 439 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,794 ACCIDENTALLY FLIPPED 440 00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:46,794 TO A C-SECTION ON TLC? 441 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,046 I DO THAT ALL THE TIME. 442 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,424 IT'S JAMES. 443 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,424 HE'S ON EVERY CHANNEL. 444 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:51,841 I THINK IT'S JUST MY GUILT. 445 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,301 MAYBE HE'S JUST ON YOUR MIND. 446 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,887 IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU WANNA MAKE 447 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,887 LOVE TO A BOWLING PIN, RIGHT? 448 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,639 AND THEN SUDDENLY, EVERYBODY 449 00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:58,639 LOOKS LIKE A BOWLING PIN. 450 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,518 (cell phone alert chimes) 451 00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:01,518 TEXT FROM CHLOE. 452 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,686 OH. "I THOUGHT ABOUT 453 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,686 WHAT YOU SAID. 454 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,314 COME OVER TO JAMES' PLACE. 455 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,314 I THINK YOU'LL BE HAPPY." 456 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,650 I BET SHE DECIDED NOT 457 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:09,650 TO RENT OUT HIS PLACE! 458 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,652 IF YOU'RE LOOKING 459 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,652 FOR A GOOD C-SECTION SHOW, 460 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,654 "SLICE OF LIFE" 461 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,654 IS THE BEST ONE! 462 00:10:11,694 --> 00:10:13,654 (door opens and closes) 463 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,656 (horn honks in distance) 464 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,659 CHLOE! 465 00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,659 I KNOW WHY I'M HERE. 466 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,911 YOU WANNA TELL ME 467 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,911 THAT YOU DECIDED 468 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,038 NOT TO RENT OUT JAMES' PLACE 469 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,038 BECAUSE YOU REALIZED 470 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,540 THAT LIES EAT YOUR HEART! 471 00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:27,043 OR SURPRISE 472 00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:27,043 OLIVE OIL TASTING! 473 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,712 LOOK, I KNOW YOU WERE 474 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,712 DISAPPOINTED 475 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,672 THAT YOU COULDN'T DO THIS 476 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:31,672 WITH YOUR MOM, 477 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,174 SO I THREW YOU ONE HERE! 478 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,759 THIS IS WAY NICER 479 00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:34,759 THAN OUR PLACE, 480 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,677 AND I EVEN INVITED 481 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,677 YOUR SISTER. 482 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,679 PEPPER IS NOT MY SISTER. 483 00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:38,679 SHE IS MY CO-WORKER. 484 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,141 (mouth full) MMM. JUNE, 485 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,141 GET THIS IN YOUR MOUTH NOW! 486 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,350 (gags) 487 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,354 MMM! DAMN! YOU TASTE 488 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:46,354 THAT DAMN ROSEMARY? 489 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,481 NO. 490 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:47,481 MMM! 491 00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,773 ALL I TASTE ARE THE LIES! 492 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,691 OOH! SOSERIOUS. 493 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,694 JUNE, I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU 494 00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:53,694 FOR NOT TELLING JAMES 495 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,280 ABOUT THIS NICE FAMILY 496 00:10:53,736 --> 00:10:55,280 FROM MINNESOTA 497 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:56,281 SUBLETTING HIS PLACE. 498 00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,617 I'M SORRY, BUT IS IT NORMAL 499 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,910 FOR THE REALTOR 500 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,910 TO JUST COME IN WITH FRIENDS? 501 00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,704 I AM THIS CLOSE TO CHARGING YOU 502 00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:03,704 FOR UTILITIES, BOB. 503 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:06,707 CHLOE! THIS IS NOT HOW 504 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:06,707 HONEST COLBURNS BEHAVE. 505 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,710 JUNE, RELAX. IF YOU DIDN'T WANNA 506 00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:09,710 BE A PART OF THE SECRET, 507 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,087 THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T 508 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,087 HAVE HAD 509 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,713 YOUR OLIVE OIL TASTING PARTY 510 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,713 HERE. 511 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,633 YOU'RE RUINING THIS 512 00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,633 FOR YOUR SISTER. 513 00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:16,343 YOU REALLY ARE, JUNE. 514 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,720 ♪♪♪ 515 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,556 I NEED GUIDANCE, 516 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:21,556 PASTOR JIN. 517 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,724 I DON'T WANNA BURDEN JAMES 518 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,724 WITH THIS RIGHT NOW, 519 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,645 BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M FALLING 520 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:26,645 DOWN HER LIE HOLE WITH HER. 521 00:11:26,685 --> 00:11:27,895 THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE. 522 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,524 AN OMISSION IS THE SAME 523 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,524 AS A LIE. 524 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:31,650 (bell dings) 525 00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:32,691 OH. 526 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:39,407 ARE YOU... LIVING 527 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:39,407 IN... YOUR OFFICE? 528 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:43,828 I AM. MR. PASTOR JIN AND I 529 00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:43,828 HAVE HAD A PARTING OF THE WAYS. 530 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:44,996 I AM SO SORRY. 531 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,542 I AM, TOO. THE MARRIAGE 532 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,542 ENDED BECAUSE OF ME, 533 00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,210 BECAUSE OF OMISSION. 534 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:53,754 EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND 535 00:11:50,251 --> 00:11:53,754 ASKED ME WHERE I'D BEEN, 536 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,423 AND I SIMPLY SAID "OUT" 537 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,551 INSTEAD OF 538 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:57,551 "OUT WITH RICK WILKINS, 539 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,802 THE MAN THAT MAKE ME 540 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,802 FEEL ALIVE AGAIN," 541 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,847 I WAS LYING. 542 00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,847 I SEE THAT NOW. 543 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,932 TELL THE TRUTH 544 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,932 TO THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE, 545 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,767 OR YOU WILL LOSE THEM. 546 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,812 SO... SHOULD I TELL JAMES 547 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,812 THE TRUTH NOW, 548 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,272 OR SHOULD I WAIT? 549 00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:11,272 'CAUSE IT'S KIND OF LIKE 550 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,774 WHEN YOU BORROW SOMEONE'S CAR 551 00:12:11,314 --> 00:12:13,774 AND YOU ACCIDENTALLY 552 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,235 SPILL COFFEE DOWN THE GEARSHIFT 553 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,235 AND YOU DON'T REALLY WANNA 554 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,819 TELL THEM BECAUSE THEY 555 00:12:15,276 --> 00:12:16,819 JUST HAD SURGERY-- 556 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,573 OKAY, I DON'T HAVE TIME 557 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,573 FOR METAPHORS, JUNE. 558 00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:22,701 I CHEATED ON MY HUSBAND, 559 00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:22,701 OKAY? AHH! 560 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,663 (sighs) 561 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:26,663 OKAY, TELL THE TRUTH. 562 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:28,582 BETTER TO START SMALL. 563 00:12:28,623 --> 00:12:29,957 (chimes) 564 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:30,875 June. 565 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,169 MOM, I HAVE A CONFESSION 566 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:33,169 TO MAKE. 567 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,837 I HAD THE OLIVE OIL TASTING 568 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,837 WITHOUT YOU. 569 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,382 IT WAS SPRUNG ON ME. 570 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,382 I'M SO SORRY. 571 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,799 Okay. 572 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:40,843 WOW. THAT WASN'T SO BAD. 573 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,054 THE NEXT CALL I HAVE TO MAKE 574 00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:43,054 IS MUCH HARDER. 575 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,805 SEE, I HAD 576 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,805 THE OLIVE OIL TASTING 577 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:46,266 AT JAMES VAN DER BEEK'S PLACE. 578 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,808 CHLOE IS SUBLETTING IT OUT 579 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:47,808 TO STRANGERS 580 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,477 WHILE JAMES IS 581 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,477 IN LOS ANGELES, AND-- 582 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,855 June, what--what the hell? 583 00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,855 My place is being sublet? 584 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,816 JAMES? WH-WHAT ARE YOU 585 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:55,816 DOING IN INDIANA? 586 00:12:55,858 --> 00:12:57,277 Indiana? I'm not in Indiana. 587 00:12:57,318 --> 00:13:00,321 YOUR MOM'S IN LOS ANGELES. 588 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,364 WHAT?! 589 00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:01,364 (door slams) 590 00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,829 I'M SO SORRY, HONEY. 591 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,998 JAMES ASKED ME TO COME 592 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:10,998 BE IN THE LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE, 593 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,627 AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD 594 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,627 WE WORKED ON THIS-- 595 00:13:13,668 --> 00:13:14,753 BUT YOU LIED TO ME! 596 00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,837 PARENTS LIE TO THEIR CHILDREN 597 00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:16,837 ALL THE TIME. 598 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,840 SO THAT STUFF ABOUT BEING 599 00:13:16,879 --> 00:13:19,840 DESCENDANTS OF HONEST ABE? 600 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:21,884 YOU HAD TO WRITE A SCHOOL PAPER. 601 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,678 I WANTED TO MAKE IT 602 00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,678 SOUND INTERESTING. 603 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,096 WHAT ELSE WAS A LIE? 604 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,434 RUFF RUFF WENT TO GO LIVE 605 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:29,434 ON A FARM. 606 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,436 GRANDMA WOULD HAVE WANTED ME 607 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,436 TO HAVE HER RINGS 608 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,853 IF SHE WERE LUCID. 609 00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,897 MOMMY AND DADDY WERE 610 00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:34,897 IN THE SAME SLEEPING BAG 611 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:37,651 BECAUSE IT WAS COLD. 612 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:41,571 MOMMY'S HEAD WAS BY DADDY'S FEET 613 00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:41,571 BECAUSE HE HAD A SPLINTER. 614 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:45,866 EW. 615 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:45,866 MRS. COLBURN, I'M SO RELIEVED 616 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:45,866 TO HEAR YOU'RE A NORMAL PERSON 617 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,077 INSTEAD OF SOME WEIRD 618 00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,077 HONESTY FREAK. 619 00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,537 James, I know 620 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,247 YOU'RE PROBABLY MAD 621 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,247 THAT I SUBLET YOUR PLACE. 622 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874 "PROBABLY"? 623 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874 BUT I WAS GOING TO USE 624 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,874 THE MONEY 625 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,876 TO FLY OUT THERE 626 00:13:53,916 --> 00:13:55,876 AND SEE YOU PERFORM. 627 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,339 AND? WHAT HAPPENED 628 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,339 WITH THAT? 629 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,175 WHAT DID HAPPEN WITH THAT? 630 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,261 TAKE THAT ANGER AND CHANNEL IT 631 00:14:02,216 --> 00:14:05,261 TOWARDS YOUR DANCE. 632 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:08,055 COME ON. LET'S GET YOU 633 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:08,055 INTO YOUR COSTUME. 634 00:14:08,097 --> 00:14:09,890 JUNE, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY. 635 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,102 I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HELP JAMES 636 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:13,102 WITH THIS BOMB YOU DROPPED. 637 00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:14,895 ALL THE LIES ALL THIS TIME? 638 00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,064 I'll call you later, 639 00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:17,064 and we will talk this all out. 640 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,818 WAIT. WHATEVER HAPPENED 641 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,818 TO RUFF RUFF? 642 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:20,777 We left 643 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:20,777 the garage door open, 644 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,487 and your father 645 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,487 backed over him. 646 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,906 (gasps) 647 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,906 He's buried under the arbor. 648 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,906 We'll talk it all out later! 649 00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:26,907 (singsongy) Bye! 650 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:27,908 (June) MOM WAS LYING 651 00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:27,908 TO ME, 652 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,369 MY DAD RAN OVER 653 00:14:27,950 --> 00:14:29,369 MY DOG-- 654 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,621 SO MUCH FOR 655 00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,621 THE HONEST COLBURNS. 656 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:34,957 (salsa music playing) 657 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,377 GOD, I MEAN, 658 00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:37,377 I'M NERVOUS ENOUGH AS IT IS, 659 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,713 AND NOW CHLOE HAS STRANGERS 660 00:14:37,418 --> 00:14:39,713 STAYING IN MY PLACE. 661 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,174 I NEED TO GET HOME. 662 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,174 (stammers) THOSE ARE JUST 663 00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:43,174 THINGS, JAMES. 664 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,010 RIGHT NOW YOU ARE HERE 665 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,010 WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU 666 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,929 AND MILLIONS OF AMERICANS 667 00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,929 WHO ARE ROOTING FOR YOU 668 00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,973 TO KILL THE CHA-CHA TONIGHT. 669 00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:52,392 THAT IS WHAT MATTERS, JAMES. 670 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,019 THINGS DON'T MATTER. 671 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:55,019 PEOPLE MATTER. 672 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:58,147 NO, THINGS MATTER. I-I-- 673 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:58,147 WHY DID I TAKE MY PEOPLE 674 00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,940 AND LEAVE MY THINGS? 675 00:14:58,189 --> 00:14:59,940 I SHOULD'VE TAKEN MY THINGS! 676 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:00,941 I NEED TO BE WITH MY THINGS! 677 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,027 OKAY, WHAT YOU NEED TO DO 678 00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,027 IS CALM DOWN! 679 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,945 I CAN'T CALM DOWN! 680 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:04,945 ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT 681 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,533 ARE LOOSE MIDWESTERN HAIRS... 682 00:15:04,987 --> 00:15:08,533 (whispers) IN MY SHOWER. 683 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,950 JAMES! 684 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,952 SIT DOWN. I MADE YOU 685 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:11,952 A NICE CUP OF TEA. 686 00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,872 AND JUST GET YOUR HEAD RIGHT. 687 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,168 (slurps) 688 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,007 MOMS ALWAYS KNOW 689 00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,007 WHAT TO DO. 690 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,844 IT'S SOMETHING I PICKED UP 691 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:27,844 IN CHINATOWN. 692 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,555 WARM TEA IS LIKE A HUG 693 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:30,555 FOR YOUR INSIDES. 694 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:32,056 (dish clatters) 695 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,683 HOW ABOUT A HUG 696 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:33,683 FOR MY OUTSIDES? 697 00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,351 (laughs) 698 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:39,606 YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG. 699 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:39,606 ARMS GO UNDER HIS LIKE THAT. 700 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:41,107 THERE YOU GO, BABY. 701 00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,151 (siren wailing in distance) 702 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,779 (June) I HAD IT 703 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,779 WITH HONESTY. 704 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,364 I'M GONNA START LYING 705 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:48,364 LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. 706 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,991 I APPRECIATE THE FACT 707 00:15:48,406 --> 00:15:50,991 THAT YOU NEED A DONATION, 708 00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,494 AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE 709 00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,494 TO SAVE THE CHILDREN, 710 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,079 BUT I HAVE 711 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,079 SEVEN CHILDREN OF MY OWN, 712 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,081 AND I'M MORBIDLY OBESE 713 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,081 AND UNABLE TO WORK. 714 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:02,002 TYLER! STOP HITTING YOUR SISTER 715 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:02,002 AND GO GET ME A SNACK PIE! 716 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,047 HI, NANCY. I CAN'T COME 717 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:05,047 TO OUR SIXTH GRADE REUNION 718 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,800 BECAUSE I'M LIVING IN FRANCE. 719 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,051 I BROKE UP 720 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,051 JOHNNY DEPP'S RELATIONSHIP. 721 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,805 IT'S OKAY. I JUST CAN'T BE 722 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,805 IN THE CHOCOLATERIE 723 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:14,098 AT THE SAME TIME AS HIS EX, 724 00:16:11,846 --> 00:16:14,098 VANESSA, BUT IT'S COOL. 725 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:17,017 TYLER! THAT PIE! 726 00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:19,646 AS AN NYC WHISKEY INSPECTOR, 727 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,440 I WILL NEED TO TRY ALL 728 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,440 OF YOUR WHISKEYS FREE OF CHARGE. 729 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,024 IF YOU COULD JUST START 730 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,024 FROM YOUR FINEST 731 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,486 AND WORK YOUR WAY BACK, 732 00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,486 THAT'D BE GREAT. THANK YOU. 733 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,196 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 734 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,196 I'M LYING, LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE. 735 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,073 I TOLD THAT BOOTH 736 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,073 OVER THERE 737 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:32,450 THAT I WAS THE CHEF HERE, 738 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,076 AND THEN I CAN'T REMEMBER 739 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,076 WHO IT WAS 740 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,245 BUT I TOLD SOMEONE IN HERE 741 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,245 THAT I'M A SURGEON. 742 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:37,956 AND THEN THOSE HOT GUYS 743 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:37,956 OVER THERE, 744 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,290 I TOLD THEM 745 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,290 THAT I WAS A JOURNALIST 746 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,042 DOING A STORY ON SEXY. 747 00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:43,043 THAT'LL PAY OFF LATER. 748 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,046 THIS BAR IS A TEAT, 749 00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,046 AND I'M MILKING IT. 750 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,048 OKAY, 751 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,048 HERE'S OUR FIRST WHISKEY. 752 00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,092 IT'S A SINGLE BARREL 753 00:16:48,090 --> 00:16:50,092 FROM SCOTLAND. 754 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,011 LET'S SEE. OKAY. 755 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,723 THERE'S DEFINITELY 756 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:55,723 A HINT OF SMOKE. 757 00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,475 IT'S ICED TEA. 758 00:16:55,765 --> 00:16:57,475 YOU'RE A TERRIBLE LIAR. 759 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,893 THAT'LL BE $16. 760 00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,227 FOR ICED TEA?! 761 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,980 I AM NOT 762 00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:01,980 A TERRIBLE LIAR. 763 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,314 I INHERITED IT FROM MY MOTHER, 764 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,274 AND SHE'S ACTUALLY 765 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:05,274 REALLY GOOD AT IT. 766 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,067 STOP. WHAT YOUR MOTHER 767 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,067 WAS DOING 768 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,069 HAD NOTHING TO DO 769 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,069 WITH BAR LIES. 770 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,782 BAR LIES ARE SUPPOSED 771 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,782 TO BE FUN AND FLIRTY. 772 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,493 WHAT YOUR MOM WAS DOING 773 00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:15,493 WAS A TOTAL BETRAYAL OF TRUST. 774 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,161 YOU KNOW WHAT, 775 00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,161 YOU'RE JUST MAKING EXCUSES. 776 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,747 IT'S ALL ONE BIG 777 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,747 SWEATY BALL OF LIES. 778 00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,081 NO, IT'S NOT. 779 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,583 IT'S DIFFERENT 780 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,583 WHEN YOU LIE TO STRANGERS 781 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,585 THAN WHEN YOU LIE 782 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,585 TO SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS YOU. 783 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,880 OH, YOU MEAN LIKE HOW 784 00:17:24,627 --> 00:17:26,880 YOU LIE TO YOUR FRIEND JAMES 785 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:30,049 AND RENT OUT HIS APARTMENT 786 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:30,049 EVERY TIME HE GOES OUT OF TOWN? 787 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,554 WELL, HE DID ASK YOU 788 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:34,554 TO PAY YOLANDA. 789 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,097 BY NOT ASKING ME, HE'S SAYING 790 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:37,097 THAT I CAN'T BE TRUSTED 791 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,934 WHICH IS PRACTICALLY GIVING ME 792 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:39,934 PERMISSION TO RENT IT OUT. 793 00:17:39,976 --> 00:17:41,101 HE BEGGED ME TO DO IT. 794 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,103 CRAP! I FORGOT 795 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,103 TO PAY YOLANDA. 796 00:17:43,145 --> 00:17:44,981 SO WE BOTH SCREWED JAMES. 797 00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:47,107 AHA! SO YOU DO ADMIT 798 00:17:45,023 --> 00:17:47,107 THAT YOU SCREWED HIM. 799 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,108 YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE, CHLOE. 800 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,236 DAMN IT! UGH! 801 00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:53,823 (gags) 802 00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,116 ICED TEA. 803 00:17:53,865 --> 00:17:56,116 OH, YEAH, I GOT THAT. 804 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,202 UGH! I FEEL TERRIBLE, JUNE. 805 00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,121 OKAY, SO TO RECAP-- 806 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:03,123 YOU LIE TO NO ONE. 807 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,167 I LIE ONLY TO STRANGERS 808 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,167 IN BARS 809 00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:06,210 BUT NOT TO FRIENDS. 810 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,295 NO, NO, NO. NO LIES. 811 00:18:06,252 --> 00:18:08,295 EVER AGAIN. 812 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:10,339 (laughs) 813 00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,759 THANKS, JUNE. 814 00:18:10,381 --> 00:18:12,759 THANKS FOR MAKING ME LAUGH. 815 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,343 WELL, YOU SHOULD AT LEAST 816 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,343 PAY BACK JAMES 817 00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,804 FOR ALL THE MONEY THAT YOU MADE 818 00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:16,804 RENTING OUT HIS PLACE. 819 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:20,140 (laughs) 820 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,936 OH, THANKS FOR MAKING ME 821 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,936 LAUGH AGAIN. 822 00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,353 OH, RIGHT, NO. 823 00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:28,524 (man) WELCOME BACK TO... 824 00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:33,237 EARLIER, SUPERMAN, DEAN CAIN, 825 00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:33,237 FLEW PAST THE COMPETITION, 826 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,865 AND NOW WELCOME 827 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,865 JAMES VAN DER BEEK 828 00:18:35,907 --> 00:18:39,077 AND VALENTINA DELGADO! 829 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,413 (Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS 830 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,413 I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪ 831 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,085 (audience gasps) 832 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,085 ♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP, 833 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:47,085 IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪ 834 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,169 (under breath) JAMES! 835 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,169 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 836 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171 (knock on door) 837 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171 OH, MY GOD, JAMES. 838 00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,171 WHAT THE HELL? 839 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,549 (knock) 840 00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:55,175 IS THIS MY HOUSE? 841 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,678 IS THIS PART OF THE SHOW? 842 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,678 NO, THAT'S NOT A PART 843 00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,678 OF THE SHOW. 844 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,388 JAMES, JAMES, 845 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,388 GET IT TOGETHER. 846 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:02,016 THERE ARE 20 MILLION PEOPLE 847 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:02,016 WATCHING. 848 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,018 THERE'S TOO MANY. 849 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,018 STOP LOOKING AT ME! 850 00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:04,018 (audience gasping) 851 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,185 STOP LOOKING AT ME! 852 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:09,398 THIS IS A DISASTER 853 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:09,398 OF BELVEDERIAN PROPORTIONS. 854 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,608 DO YOU THINK 855 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:10,608 IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO 856 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,610 WITH THAT CHINESE TEA 857 00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,610 I GAVE HIM? 858 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,656 I DIDN'T HAVE MY READING GLASSES 859 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,656 WHEN I BOUGHT IT. 860 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,908 BITCH! YOU DOSED HIM! 861 00:19:18,950 --> 00:19:20,367 OHH! 862 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,620 ARE MY HANDS MADE OUT 863 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,620 OF POUND CAKE? 864 00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,620 (music stops) 865 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,664 I THINK MY HANDS 866 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,664 ARE MADE OUT OF POUND CAKE. 867 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,206 PEOPLE IN MY BEDROOM! 868 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,206 CUT! CUT! 869 00:19:26,248 --> 00:19:27,207 STOP LOOKING AT ME! 870 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,208 LOOK, VAN DER BEEK'S 871 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:28,208 BREAKING DOWN. 872 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,211 PULL FRED SAVAGE 873 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,211 OUT OF MAKEUP NOW. 874 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:35,257 ♪♪♪ 875 00:19:38,469 --> 00:19:40,220 (rewinding) 876 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:43,223 ...PEOPLE. THERE'S TOO MANY. 877 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:43,223 STOP LOOKING AT ME! 878 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,433 STOP LOOKING AT ME! 879 00:19:43,265 --> 00:19:44,433 WHY ARE THEY... 880 00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,226 OH, MY GOD. 881 00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,226 WHY ARE THERE PEOPLE 882 00:19:44,475 --> 00:19:46,226 IN MY BEDROOM?! 883 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,313 THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. 884 00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,313 (turns off TV) 885 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,439 (dials, beep) 886 00:19:50,481 --> 00:19:51,231 (phone rings) 887 00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:53,233 (groans) 888 00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:54,652 JAMES, WHAT HAPPENED? 889 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,529 JUNE'S MOM GAVE ME TEA. 890 00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,158 WITH MESSED-UP 891 00:19:56,570 --> 00:20:00,158 RADISH PEOPLE ON THE BOX. 892 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,909 I DIDN'T HAVE 893 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,909 MY READING GLASSES! 894 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,327 HOW BAD WAS IT? 895 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:05,329 BE HONEST WITH ME. 896 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,289 YOU KNOW, IT'S ACTUALLY 897 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:07,289 NOT THAT BAD. 898 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,334 IT IS TERRIBLE! 899 00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,334 YOUR WHOLE CAREER IS OVER! 900 00:20:10,376 --> 00:20:14,463 (moaning and whimpering) 901 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,631 (whispering) 902 00:20:14,505 --> 00:20:15,631 HONESTY. HONESTY. 903 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:16,966 (clenches teeth) YEAH. 904 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:16,966 I HAVE TO BE HONEST. 905 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:19,010 YEAH. 906 00:20:17,008 --> 00:20:19,010 (door slams) 907 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:26,893 HELLO. HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED 908 00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:26,893 THIS EPISODE OF "APARTMENT 23," 909 00:20:26,934 --> 00:20:28,435 BECAUSE I DIDN'T. 910 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,729 YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD 911 00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:29,729 I HAD TO WORK 912 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,313 TO LEARN THAT DANCE ROUTINE? 913 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,440 AND THE PRODUCERS CUT IT DOWN 914 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:33,440 TO, WHAT, LIKE, 20 SECONDS? 915 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,276 UH-UH. NO WAY. 916 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:36,276 NOT ON MY WATCH. 917 00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:39,279 YOU'RE WELCOME, AMERICA. 918 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,907 (woman speaks indistinctly) 919 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,907 (beep) 920 00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:44,284 (woman) 5, 6, 5, 6, 7, 8. 921 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:48,455 (Joss Stone) ♪ I GUESS 922 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:48,455 I'M PICKY WITH LOVE ♪ 923 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:53,335 ♪ WELL, BABY, I GIVE UP, 924 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:53,335 IT'S YOU I CHOOSE ♪ 925 00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:57,173 ♪ AND DON'T KEEP ME WAITING ♪ 926 00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:00,384 ♪ THIS GIRL'S GOT THINGS 927 00:20:57,215 --> 00:21:00,384 SHE NEEDS TO DO ♪ 928 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:03,930 ♪ OH, IF I WAS BLIND, 929 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:03,930 YOU'D HELP ME SEE ♪ 930 00:21:03,971 --> 00:21:05,347 ♪ ME SEE ♪ 931 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:08,517 ♪ IF I LOST MY MIND, 932 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:08,517 YOU'D FIND IT FOR ME ♪ 933 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:12,939 ♪ SPEAK ON IT, BABE, 934 00:21:08,559 --> 00:21:12,939 TELL ME WHAT DO YOU NEED? ♪ 935 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,900 ♪ NEED IS FOR YOU TO LOVE ME, 936 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,900 BABY ♪ 937 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,027 ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪ 938 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:21,822 ♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪ 939 00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:21,822 ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪ 940 00:21:21,864 --> 00:21:24,324 ♪ YOU GOT ME FLIPPING ♪ 941 00:21:24,366 --> 00:21:26,410 ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪ 942 00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:29,329 ♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH ♪ 943 00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:29,329 ♪ PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME, BABY ♪ 944 00:21:29,371 --> 00:21:32,041 ♪ MMM ♪ 945 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,085 THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. 56630

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