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(June) HALLOWEEN HAS ALWAYS
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BEEN MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY.
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IT'S THE ONE DAY OF THE YEAR
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WE GET TO EMBRACE OUR FEARS,
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NO MATTER WHAT THEY MIGHT BE
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OR WHO THEY MIGHT--
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GOD! COME ON, CHLOE.
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WHAT UP, DONKEY?
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CAN YOU PLEASE STOP
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PUTTING HEADS EVERYWHERE?
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HEY. DIDN'T YOU SLEEP HERE
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AGAIN LAST NIGHT?
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WHAT IS THAT, LIKE,
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THE FOURTH NIGHT THIS WEEK?
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SO WHAT IS YOUR COSTUME THIS
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YEAR? DETECTIVE ASS-BASKET?
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IT'S ANOTHER HOLIDAY FOR YOU TO
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RUIN WITH YOUR SNARKY COMMENTS.
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NO, THAT IS NOT TRUE.
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I LOVE HALLOWEEN.
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I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT.
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REALLY? 'CAUSE IT'S MY FAVORITE,
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TOO, ESPECIALLY THIS YEAR,
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BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST TIME
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IN FOREVER
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THAT STEVEN AND I
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HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER.
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YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN PART
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OF A COUPLES COSTUME.
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I WAS ALWAYS STEVEN'S
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"AND SOMETHING,"
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YOU KNOW, DOCTOR
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AND SEXY NURSE,
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OR DOCTOR AND SEXY PATIENT.
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SHERLOCK HO.
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MM, I SHOULD'VE CALLED YOU
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SHERLOCK HO.
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(Katie Hampton) ♪ I'M NOT
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PERFECT, I'M NO SNITCH ♪
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♪ BUT I CAN TELL YOU ♪
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(whispers) ♪ SHE'S A... ♪
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(buzzer)
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♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪
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♪ BA-DA-DA-DA-DA-BA, BA-DA-BA ♪
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HEY, YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING
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FUN AND HALLOWEEN-Y TONIGHT?
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LIKE, I'M GREAT AT BOBBING
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FOR APPLES.
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I CAN FIT, LIKE,
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THREE IN MY MOUTH AT ONCE.
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"A," YOU HAVE
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NEVER BEEN SEXIER,
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"B," I'M SORRY. I CAN'T.
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I'M BUSY.
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(lock clicks)
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DID YOU GET IT?
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I JUST SENT OUT THE EVITE
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FOR MY HALLOWEEN PARTY.
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(boing)
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(meows)
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HI, FRIENDS.
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WHO NEEDS FEAR WHEN WE HAVE...
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LOVE?
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(bubbles popping)
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(chimes tinkle)
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WHEE!
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WHEE! OH! BRR!
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I LOVE ICE CREAM.
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THIS IS THE INVITE
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FOR YOUR HALLOWEEN PARTY?
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JAMES IS TERRIFIED
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OF HALLOWEEN.
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YEAH, I HATE BEING SCARED.
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I MEAN, HATE IT.
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HATE IT WORSE THAN I HATE
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APPLAUSE FOR OTHER PEOPLE.
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SO EVERY YEAR, JAMES THROWS
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A POSITIVITY PARTY
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WHERE WE CELEBRATE
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LIFE AND HAPPINESS.
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ABSOLUTELY NO SCARY COSTUMES,
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JUST HAPPY ONES.
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IT ALL STARTED
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WHEN I WAS A KID.
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MY DAD PLAYED ME A VHS TAPE
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OF "HALLOWEEN" ON CHRISTMAS.
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RUINED TWO HOLIDAYS AT ONCE.
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THANKS FOR GOING TO THE MOVIES
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WITH ME, MARK.
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HALLOWEEN AND CHICK FLICKS
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ARE CONVERGING
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INTO THE PERFECT PACKAGE
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IN KATHERINE HEIGL'S
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"TRICK OR... BABY?"
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(chuckles) I'M JUST HAPPY
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TO GET OUT OF THE APARTMENT.
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HALLOWEEN IS A... DARK TIME
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FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
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CANDY AND KIDS
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MAKE JENNIFER FEEL FAT.
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OH, MY GOD.
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WAIT. IS THAT CHLOE?
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WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?
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SHE HATES CHICK FLICKS.
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SHE SAYS THEY SEND OUT
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A NEGATIVE MESSAGE
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THAT WOMEN NEED TO BE
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IN A RELATIONSHIP TO BE HAPPY
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AND KATE HUDSON.
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(slurps)
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WHO IS THAT?
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YOU DON'T THINK
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THEY'RE TOGETHER. ARE THEY?
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SHE'S REACHING OVER INTO HIS
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LAP. SHE'S GONNA GRAB HIS PETER.
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SHE'S GONNA GRAB HIS PETER
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RIGHT HERE.
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OH.
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JUST POPCORN.
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SHE'S NESTLING INTO HIM.
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IS SHE OUT ON A DATE?
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BECAUSE CHLOE DOESN'T GO OUT
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ON DATES.
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SHE BANGS STRANGERS
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AT THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS
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AND THEN STEALS
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THEIR PEOPLE'S CHOICE AWARDS.
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EVERYONE PLEASE NOTICE
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THAT IT'S NOT THE BLACK GUY
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TALKING IN A MOVIE THEATER.
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♪ BA-DA-BA... ♪
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HA! I KNEW
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THAT YOU'D HAVE TO PEE
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AFTER ALL THAT DIET SODA
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THAT YOU WERE SHARE-DRINKING.
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WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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I SAW YOU SHARING POPCORN
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AND RESTING YOUR HEAD
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ON A BOY'S SHOULDER.
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YOU'RE ON A DATE.
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OKAY, FINE. I'VE BEEN
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SEEING THIS GUY BENJAMIN.
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I KINDA LIKE HIM,
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BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
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BECAUSE I KNEW YOU'D MAKE
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A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
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YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND!
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LOOK, WE'RE JUST HANGING OUT,
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OKAY?
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BUT I DO FIND MYSELF
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DOODLING HEARTS
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INSTEAD OF BABIES
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WITH BIG BALLS.
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THAT IS ADORABLE.
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I WANNA MEET HIM.
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WHAT? NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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YES. I'LL COOK FOR THE TWO OF
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YOU, AND WE'LL ALL GET TOGETHER,
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AND WE'LL PLAY SCATTERGORIES.
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UGH. FINE. ONE DINNER.
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BUT DO NOT MAKE
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THAT FISH THING YOU MAKE.
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WHAT, MY HALIBUT WHEELS?
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FISH ARE NOT ROUND.
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♪ BA-BA-BA-BA,
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BA-BA-BA-BA ♪
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SO WHERE DID YOU TWO MEET?
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OH, JAMES' HALLOWEEN PARTY
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LAST YEAR.
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SEE? I KNEW HALLOWEEN WAS
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A GOOD TIME TO MEET SOMEBODY.
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THIS YEAR, MY PLAN IS TO GET
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A CUTE GUY'S PHONE NUMBER.
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YEAH, CHLOE WAS DRESSED
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AS A FLIGHT ATTENDANT...
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(piano playing
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"It Had To Be You")
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AND I ASKED HER
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FOR MORE PEANUTS.
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AND AT FIRST, I HAD NO IDEA
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WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT...
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RIGHT.
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AND I WAS LIKE,
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"GET YOUR OWN DAMN PEANUTS."
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AND THEN I REALIZED,
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AND I WAS LIKE,
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"OH, PEANUTS."
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PEANUTS.
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(giggles)
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YEAH, BUT WE DIDN'T ACTUALLY
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START DATING
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UNTIL, UH, LAST MONTH.
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WE BUMPED INTO EACH OTHER
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AT THE CHELSEA MARKET.
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HE WAS BUYING CORN.
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I LOVE CORN.
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I CAN'T GET ENOUGH CORN.
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AND I WAS BUYING ROSEMARY-MINT
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BATH SALTS FOR MY DRY SKIN.
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NO, YOU SAID THAT YOU'D HEARD
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THAT IF YOU SMOKED THEM,
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YOU'D TRY TO CUT OUT
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A PERSON'S TONGUE AND EAT IT.
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THAT IS WHAT I SAID.
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REMEMBER?
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THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
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AND I THOUGHT
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IT WAS SO CHARMING.
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I CAN BE CHARMING.
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AND, UH, YEAH,
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WE'VE BEEN SPENDING TIME
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TOGETHER EVER SINCE.
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EVER SINCE.
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WOW.
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YOU GUYS...
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YOU GUYS ARE PERFECT TOGETHER.
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I AGREE.
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YOU TWO ARE ADORBS.
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THANKS, ELI.
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(knock on door)
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OH.
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SOMEONE ORDER A STRIPPER?
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♪ MM, MM, MM, MM ♪
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M-MAY I HELP YOU?
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HEY, MAN. GUYS,
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THIS IS MY BEST FRIEND ZONK.
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I TOLD HIM TO MEET ME HERE.
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WE'RE GONNA HEAD
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TO THE HOCKEY GAME.
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(snorts and swallows)
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DID YOU JUST SUMMON UP SNOT
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ONLY TO SWALLOW IT DOWN?
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I DID. CHICKS LIKE IT.
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THAT AND THE WAY
236
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I EAT PEACHES.
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(Benjamin) I'LL CALL YOU
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LATER, SWEETIE.
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OKAY, BYE. MM.
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(kisses) BYE.
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ADIEU.
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(Chloe) OKAY, BYE.
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SEE YOU LATER.
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BYE.
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CHLOE, I AM SHOCKED.
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(door closes)
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I NEVER PEGGED YOU
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AS THE RELATIONSHIP TYPE,
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BUT BENJAMIN IS SO GREAT.
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YOU GUYS SEEM
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SO HAPPY TOGETHER,
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AND YOU COULD TELL THAT
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HE REALLY--HE REALLY LIKES YOU.
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REALLY? DO YOU THINK SO?
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OH, ABSOLUTELY.
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THIS IS MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.
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GREAT. SO IT'LL HURT THAT MUCH
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MORE WHEN I TOTALLY DESTROY HIM!
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(squeals) OH,
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I WOULD THROW MY HEAD BACK
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AND DO MY EVIL HALLOWEEN LAUGH,
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BUT MY NECK HURTS
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AND MY THROAT
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KINDA DOES, TOO.
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(door slams)
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
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"DESTROY HIM"?
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EVERY HALLOWEEN, I PICK
269
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,899
A PERSON WHO ANNOYS ME,
270
00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,401
I FIGURE OUT
271
00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,401
THEIR DEEPEST, DARKEST FEARS--
272
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:01,862
WHAT WOULD PSYCHOLOGICALLY
273
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:01,862
BREAK THEM
274
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,404
AND RUIN THEIR LIVES
275
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,404
FOREVER--
276
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:05,448
AND THEN THE NEXT HALLOWEEN,
277
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,700
I DO IT.
278
00:06:06,741 --> 00:06:10,411
♪♪♪
279
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:11,496
(man) WAIT.
280
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:11,496
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN "THE WIRE"?
281
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,624
I'M GONNA SPEND THE NEXT HOUR
282
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,624
TELLING YOU HOW GOOD IT IS.
283
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:16,210
GOT IT.
284
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,919
...GOES TO THE DOCKS.
285
00:06:16,251 --> 00:06:17,919
FIVE SEASONS...
286
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:19,671
YOU WERE MY HYPNOTIST?
287
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,464
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME
288
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,464
QUIT SMOKING,
289
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,009
NOT START TOUCHING MY JUNK
290
00:06:21,506 --> 00:06:24,009
IN PUBLIC.
291
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,468
WELL, YOU STOPPED SMOKING,
292
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,468
DIDN'T YOU?
293
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,513
YES, BECAUSE MY HANDS ARE ALWAYS
294
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:28,513
BUSY TOUCHING MY JUNK.
295
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,850
AND WHY DID YOU MAKE
296
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:31,850
THE TRIGGER WORD MY NAME?
297
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,476
HEY, VICTOR.
298
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,229
OH, NO.
299
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:38,523
♪♪♪
300
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:42,277
I STRUGGLE WITH IT BECAUSE
301
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:42,277
I'M SUCH A PRIVATE PERSON,
302
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,154
BUT FINALLY, I WAS LIKE,
303
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,154
"YES, CHELSEA CLINTON,
304
00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:46,281
I WILL BE IN YOUR WEDDING."
305
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,242
GOT IT.
306
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,744
YOU WERE MY NUTRITIONIST?
307
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,871
I COOKED EVERYTHING WITH LARD.
308
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,122
EVERYTHING.
309
00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:56,124
♪♪♪
310
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,501
THAT'S WHY I LOVE
311
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:58,501
BEING A DIRECTOR--
312
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:02,463
CRAFTING MOMENTS, TAKING
313
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:02,463
THE AUDIENCE ON A JOURNEY--
314
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,465
AND THAT'S WHY
315
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:04,465
IT WAS SO SATISFYING
316
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,759
DIRECTING YOU
317
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:05,759
IN "LOVE MONSTER."
318
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,468
SOME OF MY BEST WORK.
319
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,263
(sighs)
320
00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,263
GOT IT.
321
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,931
YOU KNOW, EVERYONE TOLD ME--
322
00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,931
THEY SAID,
323
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:12,473
"DON'T SIGN ON
324
00:07:10,972 --> 00:07:12,473
TO A CHICK FLICK
325
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,184
WHERE YOU FALL IN LOVE
326
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,184
WITH A GIANT PINK PUPPET,"
327
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,477
BUT I SAID TO THEM--
328
00:07:14,226 --> 00:07:16,477
I SAID, "NO...
329
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,313
I NEED MONEY."
330
00:07:18,355 --> 00:07:19,689
(clink)
331
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:21,482
I HAD TO DIG DEEP
332
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:21,482
TO FIND HIS BIGGEST FEAR
333
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,693
AND THEN CONSTRUCT
334
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:23,693
THE PERFECT TRICK.
335
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,486
I NEEDED TO MAKE HIM
336
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:25,486
FALL IN LOVE
337
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,697
WITH A WOMAN WHO REMINDED HIM
338
00:07:25,528 --> 00:07:27,697
OF HIS MOTHER.
339
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:29,991
SHE WALKED OUT ON HIM
340
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:29,991
WHEN HE WAS 7 YEARS OLD,
341
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,492
AND THEY WERE WATCHING
342
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,492
"FACTS OF LIFE,"
343
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:32,493
AND SHE NEVER CAME BACK.
344
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,746
I'D HAVE TO DO
345
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,746
THE OLD PUMP AND DUMP.
346
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,707
IS THAT A THING?
347
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,707
IT IS,
348
00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:37,707
AND I'LL EXPLAIN IT NOW.
349
00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:40,710
THE PUMP AND DUMP--HAVE SEX
350
00:07:37,749 --> 00:07:40,710
WITH HIM IN HIS CHILDHOOD BED
351
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,712
WHILE LISTENING TO THE THEME
352
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,712
SONG OF "FACTS OF LIFE"
353
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:45,882
AND THEN DUMP HIM.
354
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:45,882
NO WAY. I DO NOT BUY THIS
355
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:45,882
FOR ONE SECOND.
356
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,509
I SAW YOU AND BENJAMIN TOGETHER.
357
00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,509
YOU GUYS WERE SO GREAT.
358
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,887
I MEAN, YOU GUYS--YOU WERE
359
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,887
FINISHING EACH OTHER'S--
360
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,889
SENTENCES? YES, I COULD
361
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,889
DO THAT WITH ANYONE.
362
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,599
BUT IT'S SO--
363
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,809
BRILLIANT.
364
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,809
YES, I AM KIND OF A--
365
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:58,645
BITCH?
366
00:07:55,850 --> 00:07:58,645
GENIUS. SEE? YOU CAN'T DO IT.
367
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,693
OF ALL OF CHLOE'S SICK PLANS,
368
00:08:01,856 --> 00:08:05,693
THIS ONE IS THE SICKEST.
369
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,571
I MEAN, DOESN'T SHE REALIZE THAT
370
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,571
CUTE FUNNY GUYS LIKE BENJAMIN
371
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,531
ARE HARD TO FIND?
372
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,531
THEY DON'T EXIST.
373
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:12,117
I MEAN, THEY SOMETIMES DO.
374
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:16,537
ESPECIALLY ONES THAT YOU FEEL
375
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:16,537
COMPLETELY COMFORTABLE AROUND.
376
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:17,580
UH...
377
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:18,957
(exhales)
378
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,001
LOOK, JUNE, LOOK,
379
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,001
I THINK IT'S GREAT
380
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,543
THAT YOU CARE
381
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:22,543
ABOUT YOUR FRIEND,
382
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,546
BUT MAYBE JUST CONCENTRATE ON
383
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,546
HAVING YOUR OWN FUN HALLOWEEN.
384
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,715
NO. I NEED TO MAKE CHLOE
385
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:27,715
CHANGE HER MIND
386
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,717
AND GIVE LOVE A SHOT.
387
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:34,555
(dance music playing)
388
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,600
(indistinct conversations)
389
00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:37,600
♪ I WANNA BE EVERYTHING ♪
390
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:40,812
♪ I WANNA SEE EVERYTHING ♪
391
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:43,564
♪ I WANNA FEEL... ♪
392
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,566
A LADY HOBBIT?
393
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,566
THAT'S AWESOME.
394
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,862
OH, THANKS. IT'S REFLECTIVE
395
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,862
OF MY JOURNEY OF SELF-DISCOVERY.
396
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,739
AND PLUS, I WAS LIKE, WHAT DOES
397
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,739
EVERY SINGLE GIRL WANT? A RING.
398
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,534
SOME GUYS WANT THAT, TOO.
399
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:54,534
EXCUSE ME FOR JUST A SECOND.
400
00:08:55,618 --> 00:08:56,577
SORRY.
401
00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:57,662
BYE.
402
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,663
MM.
403
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,748
OH, MY GOD! OH, NO.
404
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,584
YOUR FIRST SINGLE HALLOWEEN
405
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,584
IN 40 YEARS,
406
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:05,253
AND THIS IS YOUR COSTUME?!
407
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,629
IT IS REFLECTIVE
408
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:06,629
OF MY JOURNEY--
409
00:09:06,671 --> 00:09:08,465
YOU HAVE HAIR ON YOUR FEET!
410
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,591
IT HAS TO BE AUTHENTIC, OR ELSE
411
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,591
WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING?!
412
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:11,759
(sighs)
413
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,054
I'VE BEEN THINKING,
414
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,054
AND I KNOW YOU.
415
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,597
YOU CAN'T GO THROUGH
416
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:16,597
WITH THIS BENJAMIN THING.
417
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,641
OH, PLEASE.
418
00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,641
IT'S ALL FOR THE TRICK.
419
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:19,851
I'VE ALREADY SUBCONSCIOUSLY
420
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,602
STARTED REMINDING HIM
421
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,602
OF HIS MOTHER.
422
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,230
SHE WAS A BUS DRIVER.
423
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,647
I SEXED IT UP A LITTLE BIT.
424
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,607
I SAW PICTURES OF HER,
425
00:09:24,689 --> 00:09:26,607
AND SHE WAS NOT SEXY.
426
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,902
I MEAN, MAYBE TO SOME PEOPLE,
427
00:09:26,649 --> 00:09:28,902
BUT NOT TO ME.
428
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,238
ONCE YOU REALIZE
429
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,238
HOW PERFECT YOU ARE TOGETHER,
430
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,614
YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE
431
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,614
TO BREAK HIS HEART.
432
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:36,826
THAT'S WHY I MADE YOU A VIDEO
433
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:36,826
ABOUT YOUR LOVE.
434
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:38,286
IT'S SET TO A TRAIN SONG,
435
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,621
AND I DIDN'T HAVE
436
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,621
ANY PICTURES OF BENJAMIN,
437
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:43,124
SO I JUST USED CLIPS OF DAVE
438
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:43,124
FROM "HAPPY ENDINGS."
439
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:45,626
(Train) ♪ HEY, SOUL SISTER ♪
440
00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:47,628
♪ AIN'T THAT MISTER MISTER ♪
441
00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,631
♪ ON THE RADIO STEREO ♪
442
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,676
♪ THE WAY YOU MOVE AIN'T FAIR,
443
00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:53,676
YOU KNOW ♪
444
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:57,847
♪♪♪
445
00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:59,933
(James) WHY IS
446
00:09:57,889 --> 00:09:59,933
MY WEEKEND DOORMAN MARIO HERE?
447
00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:01,726
HE CAME!
448
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,520
(doorbell rings)
449
00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:04,938
HUH.
450
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:09,109
UGH. UH, THAT IS NOT POSITIVE.
451
00:10:05,980 --> 00:10:09,109
TAKE THAT OFF IMMEDIATELY.
452
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,902
LUTHER, GRAB THE EMERGENCY
453
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,902
PIKACHU COSTUME.
454
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,529
NO, I'M A DEVIL.
455
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:13,905
I'M NOT PLAYING YOUR GAME.
456
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,032
YOU THINK
457
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,032
BECAUSE YOU'RE A CELEBRITY
458
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,658
YOU CAN CHANGE THE MEANING
459
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,658
OF THE HOLIDAY?
460
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,660
YES.
461
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,660
JUST SAY THE WORD, JAMES.
462
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,830
SAY THE WORD, AND I WILL TASE
463
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:22,830
THIS GENTLEMAN--MARIO.
464
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,959
HI. I'M A CHERUB.
465
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,959
(giggles)
466
00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:30,671
♪ TONIGHT ♪
467
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,715
(glass shatters)
468
00:10:32,757 --> 00:10:35,343
YOU'RE A PRETTY GOOD EDITOR.
469
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:38,346
OKAY. IF YOU WON'T STOP
470
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:38,346
THIS TRICK, THEN I WILL.
471
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,682
FINE. GO AND TELL HIM. THERE'S
472
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,682
NO WAY HE'S GONNA BELIEVE YOU.
473
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:42,683
HE'S IN THE BATHROOM.
474
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:45,686
YOU KNOW,
475
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:45,686
I'M ACTUALLY A FIREMAN.
476
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,688
WE WILL NEVER FORGET.
477
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:47,688
(chuckles)
478
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:52,693
SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG.
479
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,695
I HAVE TO TAKE OFF
480
00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:54,695
ALL MY CLOTHES TO GO.
481
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,656
(cell phone alert chimes)
482
00:10:58,741 --> 00:10:59,867
UGH.
483
00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:02,662
(whispers) I TOOK A SHOWER.
484
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,793
A TROPHY
485
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,793
FOR SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING.
486
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,711
SO COOL.
487
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,797
YOU KNOW,
488
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,797
NO GIRL I'VE DATED
489
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,175
HAS EVER WANTED TO SEE
490
00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:15,175
WHERE I GREW UP BEFORE.
491
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,302
AT LEAST NOT SO EARLY ON.
492
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,679
WELL, I GUESS IT MAKES ME FEEL
493
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,679
THAT MUCH CLOSER TO YOU.
494
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:24,809
SHOULD I PUT SOME MUSIC ON?
495
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:27,312
SURE.
496
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,729
♪ YOU TAKE THE GOOD,
497
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:28,729
YOU TAKE THE BAD ♪
498
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,315
♪ YOU TAKE THEM BOTH
499
00:11:28,771 --> 00:11:30,315
AND THERE YOU HAVE ♪
500
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,733
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE,
501
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,733
THE FACTS OF LIFE... ♪
502
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,735
IS THAT "THE FACTS OF LIFE"
503
00:11:32,775 --> 00:11:34,735
THEME SONG?
504
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:38,365
OH, I DON'T KNOW. IS IT?
505
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:38,365
I JUST PUT IT ON RANDOM.
506
00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:39,740
♪ THE FACTS OF LIFE ♪
507
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,909
♪ WHEN THE WORLD
508
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,909
NEVER SEEMS... ♪
509
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:45,746
OH, MY GOD. IS THAT YOU?
510
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:45,746
YOUR HAIR WAS HUGE.
511
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,542
YEAH.
512
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,542
YEAH. MY MOM GOT A PERM,
513
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,168
AND I WANTED TO BE
514
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,168
JUST LIKE HER.
515
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,753
I DID EVERYTHING MY MOM DID,
516
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,550
YOU KNOW, OTHER THAN
517
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,550
ABANDON OUR FAMILY.
518
00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:58,385
♪ ...ALL ABOUT YOU ♪
519
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,929
♪ IT TAKES A LOT
520
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,929
TO GET 'EM RIGHT ♪
521
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,682
♪ YOU'RE LEARNING
522
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,682
THE FACTS... ♪
523
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:04,807
I CAN'T DO THIS.
524
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:07,561
IS IT THE SONG?
525
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:07,561
NO. THE SONG IS PERFECT.
526
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,937
(turns song off)
527
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,937
IT'S, UM...
528
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:11,772
LOOK,
529
00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:13,774
BEN...
530
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,776
WE HAVEN'T REALLY
531
00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:15,776
BEEN DATING.
532
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:19,447
I'VE BEEN PLAYING
533
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:19,447
A HALLOWEEN TRICK ON YOU.
534
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,449
I'VE BEEN MAKING
535
00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,449
YOUR DEEPEST FEARS COME TRUE
536
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,493
BY REMINDING YOU
537
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,493
OF YOUR MOTHER
538
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,744
AND THEN HAVING SEX WITH YOU
539
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,744
AND DUMPING YOU.
540
00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:28,707
BUT I CAN'T DO IT.
541
00:12:28,747 --> 00:12:29,874
YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY,
542
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,835
AND THIS DOESN'T FEEL FUN
543
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,835
ANYMORE. (sighs)
544
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:36,631
(Australian accent) I KNOW.
545
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,798
WHAT?
546
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:38,883
I SAID I KNOW.
547
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,010
ARE YOU AUSTRALIAN?
548
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,637
YES. INDEED I AM.
549
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,805
I'VE BEEN ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU
550
00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:44,805
THIS WHOLE TIME, CHLOE.
551
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,808
(clicks tongue) I HAVE BEEN
552
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:47,808
WATCHING AND ADMIRING YOUR WORK
553
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:48,809
FOR YEARS.
554
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,062
YOU WERE MY HYPNOTIST?
555
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,856
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
556
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,856
HELP ME QUIT SMOKING.
557
00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:56,651
YOU WERE MY NUTRITIONIST?
558
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,653
YEAH, THE LOVE SCENES
559
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,653
WERE A CHALLENGE.
560
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:00,029
WHAT'S THAT GIRL'S DEAL?
561
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:02,198
WHAT, CHLOE?
562
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,033
OH. (laughs)
563
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,033
HER IDEA OF A HALLOWEEN TRICK
564
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,494
IS TO COMPLETELY RUIN
565
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:06,494
SOMEBODY'S LIFE.
566
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,662
YOU KNOW,
567
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:07,662
SHE'S ONE OF THE PEOPLE
568
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:08,996
WHO TOLD ME
569
00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:08,996
NOT TO DO "LOVE MONSTER."
570
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,915
SHE ABSOLUTELY HATES
571
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:10,915
CHICK FLICKS.
572
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,042
GOT IT.
573
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:15,503
THE MOMENT YOU STARTED
574
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:15,503
BEING NICE TO ME THAT NIGHT,
575
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,714
I REALIZED
576
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,714
I WAS YOUR NEXT TARGET,
577
00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:19,466
SO THEN I STARTED
578
00:13:17,756 --> 00:13:19,466
MY HALLOWEEN TRICK
579
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:22,927
OF MAKING YOUR BIGGEST FEARS
580
00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:22,927
COME TRUE...
581
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,012
BY FORCING YOU
582
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:25,012
TO LIVE A CHICK FLICK.
583
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,514
THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR.
584
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,514
YEAH.
585
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,848
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
586
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,016
THINK ABOUT IT.
587
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,016
WHEN I TOLD YOU
588
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,436
THAT MY MOTHER WALKED ON ME,
589
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,436
WHERE WERE WE?
590
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,896
ON A CARRIAGE RIDE
591
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,896
IN CENTRAL PARK.
592
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:35,440
AND WHEN I TOLD YOU
593
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,150
I HAD TROUBLE
594
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,150
TRUSTING WOMEN AFTER THAT?
595
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,860
WE WERE HAVING
596
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,860
A GOOD-NATURED SNOWBALL FIGHT.
597
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:41,571
DON'T YOU SEE?
598
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,491
THIS WHOLE TIME I'VE BEEN
599
00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:44,491
"REVEALING" MYSELF TO YOU,
600
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:48,077
WE WERE ACTING OUT
601
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:48,077
CHICK FLICK CLICHES.
602
00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,870
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOTHER?
603
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,581
SPOKE TO HER YESTERDAY.
604
00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,581
SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
605
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,083
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT TAKING
606
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,083
A TRIP TO LAOS TOGETHER.
607
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,877
SO YOU WERE THE ONE
608
00:13:54,125 --> 00:13:56,877
TRICKING ME?
609
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,463
OH, IT'S NOT OVER.
610
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,880
WE'RE ONLY AT THE END
611
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,880
OF ACT TWO--
612
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,882
YOU REALIZING THAT YOU CARE
613
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,882
TOO MUCH ABOUT ME
614
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,884
TO GO THROUGH
615
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,884
WITH YOUR TRICK.
616
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,929
YOU'VE DEVELOPED REAL FEELINGS
617
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,929
FOR ME.
618
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,929
NO, I HAVEN'T.
619
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,932
WELL, I'M FLYING OUT OF
620
00:14:06,971 --> 00:14:09,932
LaGUARDIA AT NOON TOMORROW
621
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,352
TO SHOOT A NEW MOVIE
622
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,352
IN PRAGUE.
623
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,896
WHO KNOWS IF WE'LL EVER
624
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:15,896
SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN.
625
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:16,939
UNLESS...
626
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,984
YOU CHASE ME DOWN
627
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:19,984
IN THE AIRPORT
628
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,195
AND MAKE A HEARTFELT PLEA
629
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,195
FOR LOVE.
630
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:28,868
GOOD LUCK
631
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:28,868
NOT MEETING ME THERE.
632
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:35,500
HAPPY HALLOWEEN.
633
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,918
IS THIS EVEN YOUR HOUSE?
634
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,087
NOPE. A FURNISHED RENTAL.
635
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:41,464
(door slams)
636
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:47,387
BENJAMIN WAS TRICKING YOU?
637
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,971
I CANNOT BELIEVE HE BEAT ME
638
00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:48,971
AT MY OWN GAME.
639
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,931
FORCING ME TO LIVE
640
00:14:49,013 --> 00:14:50,931
IN A CHICK FLICK?!
641
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,934
NO, THAT--THAT IS NOT TRUE.
642
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:53,934
I AM THE QUEEN OF CHICK FLICKS.
643
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,937
(rattling)
644
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,937
I KNOW EVERY BEAT.
645
00:14:53,976 --> 00:14:56,937
IF THIS WERE A CHICK FLICK--
646
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,939
YOU'D BE THE QUIRKY,
647
00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,939
UNLUCKY-IN-LOVE BEST FRIEND.
648
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,941
WHAT?
649
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,941
YOU GIVE ADVICE
650
00:14:58,981 --> 00:15:00,941
TO THE MAIN CHARACTER,
651
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,737
YOU PUT ASIDE YOUR OWN AGENDA
652
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:03,737
TO SERVICE HERS.
653
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,322
NOW I UNDERSTAND WHY
654
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,322
BENJAMIN'S FRIEND WAS SO GROSS.
655
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,824
FOR THIS.
656
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:08,949
FOR YOU.
657
00:15:08,991 --> 00:15:10,117
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
658
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:13,162
ZONK IS THE GUY THAT YOU END UP
659
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:13,162
WITH IN THE MOVIE.
660
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:15,956
HE'S THE JONAH HILL/JIM BELUSHI/
661
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:15,956
ZACH GALIFIANAKIS
662
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:20,002
TO YOUR JOAN CUSACK/LISA KUDROW/
663
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:20,002
JANEANE GAROFALO.
664
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:24,131
I AM NOT
665
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:24,131
THE SUPPORTING PLAYER.
666
00:15:24,173 --> 00:15:25,592
AM I?
667
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,009
I CAN'T GO TO THE AIRPORT
668
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,009
BECAUSE THEN BENJAMIN WILL WIN!
669
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,763
BUT IF I DON'T GO, THEN HE WILL
670
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:29,763
HAVE HAD THE LAST CON,
671
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,972
AND HE STILL WINS!
672
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,972
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
673
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,057
I SUDDENLY HAVE
674
00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:33,057
THE URGE TO BAKE.
675
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,976
I WANT TO PUT ON SWEATPANTS
676
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,976
AND BAKE, FOR SOME REASON.
677
00:15:36,018 --> 00:15:38,020
OH, GOD.
678
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,189
TURN IT ON, JUNE.
679
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:40,189
(sobs)
680
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:42,901
TAKE IT OFF.
681
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:42,901
NO.
682
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,485
TAKE IT OFF.
683
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,485
I'LL TAKE OFF MY COSTUME
684
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:46,987
IF YOU TAKE OFF YOUR FEAR.
685
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:48,072
UM, OKAY.
686
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,909
SO I'M GONNA GO.
687
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,993
YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?
688
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,993
(door opens and closes)
689
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,454
THAT WAS
690
00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:54,454
THE LAST GIRL STANDING.
691
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,289
SHE WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO LEAVE
692
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,289
SO SHE COULD HAVE SEX WITH ME,
693
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:57,998
BUT YOU NEVER DID.
694
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,000
SO NOW CHEYENNE HAS TO GO BACK
695
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,000
TO WORK AT THE PHARMACY
696
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,002
HAVING NOT HAD SEX
697
00:16:00,042 --> 00:16:02,002
WITH A TV STAR.
698
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,631
YOU RUINED HER LIFE
699
00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,631
AND MY PARTY.
700
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,925
YOU RUINED YOUR PARTY.
701
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,925
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, MAN?
702
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,051
WHAT IS UNDERNEATH
703
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:09,051
THIS FEAR OF HALLOWEEN?
704
00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:10,428
I JUST THINK IT'S SCARY.
705
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,012
YES,
706
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,012
BUT WHAT'S UNDERNEATH THAT?
707
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:13,681
NOTHING.
708
00:16:12,054 --> 00:16:13,681
I JUST DON'T LIKE SCARY STUFF.
709
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:16,434
MAYBE YOU WERE THE ONE
710
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:16,434
AVOIDING THAT SEXY BUNNY GIRL.
711
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:18,018
BECAUSE MAYBE YOU'D HIT IT OFF
712
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,604
AND YOU'D GO OUT ON A DATE
713
00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,604
WITH HER
714
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,397
AND YOU'D EVENTUALLY
715
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,397
MOVE IN TOGETHER TOO SOON
716
00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:23,232
BECAUSE HER PARENTS COSIGNED
717
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,318
ON AN APARTMENT
718
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:25,318
IN THE MEATPACKING DISTRICT
719
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,027
WITH NOT ENOUGH ROOM
720
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:27,027
FOR YOUR RECORDS
721
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,739
AND HER MADAME ALEXANDER
722
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,739
DOLL COLLECTION!
723
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:33,493
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
724
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:33,493
YEAH, I DON'T LOVE
725
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:33,493
MY GIRLFRIEND!
726
00:16:39,582 --> 00:16:40,917
I WIN.
727
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:45,045
MARIO DOESN'T LIKE TO HOLD HANDS
728
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:45,045
ON THE SUBWAY.
729
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:46,506
I DON'T KNOW.
730
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:49,717
I JUST...
731
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:49,717
(clicks tongue) I DON'T KNOW.
732
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,553
I MEAN, WE'LL SEE,
733
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,639
BUT... I DON'T KNOW.
734
00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:56,766
(cell phone rings)
735
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,103
MARK, WHERE ARE YOU?
736
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,103
WE ARE SLAMMED.
737
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:05,065
IT IS THE POST-HALLOWEEN,
738
00:17:01,145 --> 00:17:05,065
HUNGOVER, WALK-OF-SHAME CROWD.
739
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,985
I JUST HAD
740
00:17:05,107 --> 00:17:06,985
A PRETTY INTENSE REALIZATION.
741
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,444
CAN YOU COVER FOR ME?
742
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:10,070
YEAH, IT'S NOT LIKE
743
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:10,070
I'VE GOT ANYTHING GOING ON
744
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:10,070
IN MY OWN LIFE--
745
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:12,365
GOOD. THANKS. BYE.
746
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:12,365
(sighs)
747
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,492
NO ONE CARES WHAT'S GOING ON
748
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:14,492
IN MY LIFE.
749
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,076
I WANTED TO GET
750
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:16,076
A GUY'S PHONE NUMBER,
751
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,538
AND I WALKED AWAY FROM
752
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:18,538
A CUTE FIREMAN JUST TO HELP--
753
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:20,373
(Zonk snorts and swallows)
754
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:21,875
AHH.
755
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:26,462
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
756
00:17:21,916 --> 00:17:26,462
WITH THOSE TWO, HUH?
757
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,715
NOPE. NO, ZONK,
758
00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:28,715
I'M NOT DOING THIS.
759
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,967
I AM NOT GONNA BE
760
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,967
THE QUIRKY BEST FRIEND
761
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,386
WHO IS MORE INVOLVED WITH
762
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:33,386
CHLOE'S LOVE LIFE THAN MY OWN.
763
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:36,305
BUT I HAVE INFO
764
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:36,305
THAT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING.
765
00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:38,391
BENJAMIN'S NOT GONNA DIRECT
766
00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:38,391
"LOVE MONSTER 2."
767
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:41,895
HE BACKED OUT BECAUSE OF
768
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:41,895
CHLOE'S HATRED OF CHICK FLICKS.
769
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:44,480
DON'T YOU GET IT?
770
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:44,480
HE REALLY DOES LIKE HER.
771
00:17:44,522 --> 00:17:46,399
THIS WASN'T ALL JUST A SCAM.
772
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:49,944
THAT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
773
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,654
(whispers) EXCEPT EVERYTHING.
774
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,328
ZONK JUST TOLD ME
775
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,328
THAT BENJAMIN TURNED DOWN
776
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,414
DIRECTING "LOVE MONSTER 2"
777
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,414
BECAUSE OF YOU.
778
00:18:01,455 --> 00:18:03,123
I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET IT?
779
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,167
HE REALLY LIKES YOU.
780
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,167
YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE AIRPORT.
781
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:07,127
YEAH. I KNOW.
782
00:18:05,209 --> 00:18:07,127
I'M ON MY WAY THERE NOW.
783
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:08,170
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW?
784
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,213
I TALKED TO A BEE.
785
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,213
A WHAT?
786
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,798
A BUMBLEBEE.
787
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,132
(Chloe) I WAS GOING OUT
788
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,132
TO GET FLOUR AND EGGS
789
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:13,342
FOR MY SUDDEN BAKING URGE,
790
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,970
FURIOUS ABOUT BEING CONNED
791
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,970
BY BENJAMIN,
792
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,305
WHEN I FELL INTO STEP
793
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:18,305
WITH THIS BEE.
794
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,224
SHE NOTICED I LOOKED
795
00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:20,224
WELL RESTED,
796
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,309
NOT HUNGOVER, AND THAT
797
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,309
I SMELLED OF DEODORANT,
798
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,144
WHICH MEANS I MUST'VE SLEPT
799
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:24,144
AT MY OWN PLACE,
800
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,355
WHICH IS UNUSUAL
801
00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:26,355
FOR HALLOWEEN NIGHT.
802
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,442
SHE ASKED ME, POINTING AT
803
00:18:26,397 --> 00:18:29,442
MY HEART, "WHO GOT IN THERE?"
804
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,028
I WAS TAKEN ABACK THAT
805
00:18:29,483 --> 00:18:32,028
SHE COULD READ ME SO QUICKLY,
806
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:34,614
SO I ASKED IF SHE WANTED
807
00:18:32,070 --> 00:18:34,614
TO GRAB A CUP OF COFFEE.
808
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:36,240
WELL, I GOT A COFFEE.
809
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,158
THE BEE ATE
810
00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:38,158
A FULL LUMBERJACK MEAL.
811
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,535
GIRLFRIEND WAS FAMISHED.
812
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:43,039
ANYWAY, SHE MADE ME REALIZE WHY
813
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:43,039
CHICK FLICKS ARE SO POPULAR.
814
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:46,042
BECAUSE DEEP DOWN, EVERYONE,
815
00:18:43,081 --> 00:18:46,042
NO MATTER HOW CYNICAL,
816
00:18:46,084 --> 00:18:47,418
WANTS A HAPPY ENDING.
817
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,263
SHE TOLD ME THAT THE ONLY WAY
818
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,263
OUT OF A CHICK FLICK
819
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,057
IS THROUGH IT,
820
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,434
THAT IT'S NOT WHETHER I GO
821
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,434
TO THE AIRPORT OR NOT,
822
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:07,271
IT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I GET THERE
823
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:07,271
THAT MATTERS.
824
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,189
SO I'M ON MY WAY
825
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,189
TO THE AIRPORT NOW.
826
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,191
WAIT. SO I DIDN'T HELP YOU
827
00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,191
AT ALL?
828
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:14,487
WELL, I LIKE TO BE ON THE PHONE
829
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:14,487
WHEN I HAIL A CAB, SO KINDA.
830
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:18,198
WOW. I AM SO GLAD SOMEBODY ELSE
831
00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:18,198
HELPED YOU FIGURE THIS OUT.
832
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,701
MAYBE I'M NOT JUST
833
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,701
THE SUPPORTING PLAYER AFTER ALL.
834
00:19:20,743 --> 00:19:21,869
(cell phone alert chimes)
835
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,293
("PM's Love Theme"
836
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,293
from "Love Actually" playing)
837
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:39,345
(woman over P.A.) CHLOE, PLEASE
838
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:39,345
PICK UP A WHITE COURTESY PHONE.
839
00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:41,388
HELLO?
840
00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,182
(Benjamin) I KNEW YOU'D COME.
841
00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,397
I HAD TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
842
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,607
I LIKE YOU.
843
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,400
(laughs) YEAH. RIGHT.
844
00:19:53,442 --> 00:19:54,401
(receiver clatters)
845
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,487
NO, I REALLY DO.
846
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:59,073
YES, IT STARTED OUT
847
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:59,073
AS A TRICK,
848
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,741
UNTIL I REALIZED THAT
849
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,741
YOU WERE MESSING WITH ME,
850
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,202
AND NO ONE'S EVER BEAT ME
851
00:20:00,783 --> 00:20:03,202
AT MY OWN GAME BEFORE.
852
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,246
I LIKE YOU.
853
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,916
I...
854
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:11,752
I CAN'T TELL
855
00:20:10,292 --> 00:20:11,752
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
856
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:13,253
I KNOW.
857
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,548
YOU'RE WONDERING,
858
00:20:13,295 --> 00:20:15,548
IS SHE STILL MESSING WITH ME
859
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,257
OR IS SHE FINALLY
860
00:20:15,589 --> 00:20:17,257
BEING HONEST?
861
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,468
BECAUSE MAYBE HER BIGGEST FEAR
862
00:20:17,299 --> 00:20:19,468
ISN'T BEING IN A CHICK FLICK
863
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,679
BUT ACTUALLY HAVING FEELINGS
864
00:20:19,510 --> 00:20:21,679
FOR SOMEONE.
865
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,182
THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW,
866
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:26,266
WHICH MEANS I WIN.
867
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:29,311
WELL, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA
868
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:29,311
REPORT ME AS A TERRORIST,
869
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:33,273
SO I TOLD T.S.A. YOU HAVE
870
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:33,273
A SWITCHBLADE IN YOUR PURSE.
871
00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:34,441
BUT I DON'T.
872
00:20:34,483 --> 00:20:36,110
YOU DO.
873
00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:39,238
(click)
874
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,282
COME ON.
875
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,282
(police radio chatter)
876
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,285
WAIT. I'M CONFUSED.
877
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,285
SO--SO YOU LIKE ME?
878
00:20:45,327 --> 00:20:47,287
DO I?
879
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,498
YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA
880
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:49,498
SEE EACH OTHER AGAIN, RIGHT?
881
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,375
THIS ISN'T THE END
882
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,375
OF OUR STORY.
883
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,459
I KNOW.
884
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,420
SEE YOU IN THE SEQUEL.
885
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,757
OH, PLEASE. THE SEQUEL'S NEVER
886
00:20:56,338 --> 00:20:57,757
AS GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL.
887
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,134
MIND YOUR OWN WEAVE-WAX,
888
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,134
SWEETIE.
889
00:20:57,798 --> 00:21:00,134
(door slams)
890
00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:05,890
EXCUSE ME.
891
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,226
I'VE BEEN
892
00:21:05,932 --> 00:21:08,226
TO EVERY FIREHOUSE IN MANHATTAN.
893
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,311
I'M TRYING TO FIND THIS CUTE
894
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,311
FIREMAN THAT I MET ON HALLOWEEN.
895
00:21:11,353 --> 00:21:13,480
(pole squeaks)
896
00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,524
'SUP?
897
00:21:15,566 --> 00:21:16,316
NO!
898
00:21:16,358 --> 00:21:18,694
GOD! I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
899
00:21:18,736 --> 00:21:19,779
BELIEVE IT.
900
00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,321
THIS IS HAPPENING.
901
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,366
ARE YOU EVEN IN SHAPE ENOUGH
902
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:24,366
TO BE A FIREMAN?
903
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:25,367
I'M THE COOK.
904
00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:29,247
FRANKLIN ZONKOWSKI,
905
00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:29,247
FIREHOUSE CHEF.
906
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,916
THEY LET ME SLIDE DOWN THE POLE
907
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,916
WHEN I GOT A BITCH TO IMPRESS.
908
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,333
UGH.
909
00:21:33,375 --> 00:21:35,086
THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
54464
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