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1
00:00:00,877 --> 00:00:05,672
[cheers and applause]
2
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:10,301
[indistinct chatter]
3
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:12,136
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
4
00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:15,348
ILIZA SHLESINGER!
5
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,893
[upbeat music]
6
00:00:17,894 --> 00:00:22,898
[cheers and applause]
7
00:00:22,899 --> 00:00:25,316
- ALL RIGHT!
8
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:29,195
DALLAS, TEXAS!
[laughs]
9
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:30,822
THANK YOU.
10
00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:34,953
[cheers and applause]
11
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,459
OH.
12
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:44,210
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT, Y'ALL.
13
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:45,921
FANTASTIC.
14
00:00:45,922 --> 00:00:50,133
I AM SO EXCITED AND HONORED
TO BE SHOOTING MY HOUR SPECIAL
15
00:00:50,134 --> 00:00:51,843
IN MY HOMETOWN
OF DALLAS, TEXAS.
16
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,178
YES, MA'AM.
[cheers and applause]
17
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,014
[laughs]
18
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,766
I'M SO EXCITED
TO BE HERE.
19
00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,517
NOT THRILLED
WITH GETTING HERE.
20
00:00:59,518 --> 00:01:01,102
I HAVE TO BE HONEST.
21
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:05,106
I FLY ENOUGH THAT I FEEL
I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY THIS.
22
00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:07,692
IF YOU WORK
FOR AN AIRLINE,
23
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,778
I HATE YOU.
24
00:01:09,779 --> 00:01:11,822
OKAY?
I HATE YOU.
25
00:01:11,823 --> 00:01:13,239
AND I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR,
26
00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,158
"NO, MY COUSIN SHEILA'S
A REAL SWEETHEART.
27
00:01:15,159 --> 00:01:16,326
SHE WORKS FOR SOUTHWEST."
28
00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:17,869
FUCK YOUR COUSIN SHEILA.
29
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:19,913
[laughter]
30
00:01:19,914 --> 00:01:21,832
ALL RIGHT, YOUR COUSIN SHEILA'S
A GODDAMN BITCH.
31
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:24,167
AND I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING ELSE.
32
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,794
THE ONLY REASON
PEOPLE WORK FOR AIRLINES
33
00:01:25,795 --> 00:01:29,130
IS BECAUSE THE NAZI PARTY
IS NO LONGER HIRING.
34
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,466
[laughter and applause]
35
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,802
I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE...
THANK YOU.
36
00:01:33,803 --> 00:01:35,512
I DON'T HAVE AN ISSUE
WITH FLYING.
37
00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:37,597
MY ISSUE IS WITH THE BOARDING
OF THE PLANE.
38
00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,017
HAS ANYONE ELSE HERE
EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE
39
00:01:40,018 --> 00:01:43,186
OF BEING STUCK
IN BOARDING ZONE FOUR?
40
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:44,855
LIKE, THAT'S WHEN
YOU HAVE A SEAT...
41
00:01:44,856 --> 00:01:46,690
YOU HAVE A TICKET
'CAUSE YOU'RE HOLDING IT...
42
00:01:46,691 --> 00:01:48,483
BUT YOU'RE SO LOW
ON THE FOOD CHAIN,
43
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,109
IT PRETTY MUCH GOES,
LIKE, FIRST-CLASS,
44
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,529
LUGGAGE, TERRORISTS,
MAYBE YOU.
45
00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:54,781
[laughter]
46
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,034
AND THEY TAKE
SUCH PAINSTAKING CARE
47
00:01:57,035 --> 00:01:58,660
TO BOARD ZONES
ONE THROUGH THREE.
48
00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,829
AND IF YOU DON'T FLY
THAT AIRLINE OFTEN ENOUGH,
49
00:02:00,830 --> 00:02:02,372
YOU ARE S.O.L. IN TERMS
OF GETTING ON THAT PLANE
50
00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:04,248
'CAUSE THEY ARE BOARDING GROUPS
OF PEOPLE
51
00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,542
THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
52
00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:08,753
YOU COULD APPLY
TO BE PART OF.
53
00:02:08,754 --> 00:02:11,006
WE'RE GONNA START BOARDING
FLIGHT 556 TO DALLAS/FORT WORTH.
54
00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:13,091
WE'RE GONNA START BOARDING
ZONE ONE.
55
00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:14,425
THESE ARE
OUR FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS,
56
00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,719
OUR FIRST MEMBERS,
OUR GOLD MEMBERS,
57
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:16,970
OUR GOLDEN SHOWER MEMBERS.
58
00:02:16,971 --> 00:02:19,180
THERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU, THERE YOU GO.
59
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,640
RIGHT THIS WAY.
60
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,893
OUR GOLDEN EAGLE MEMBERS,
OUR EAGLE FACE MEMBERS.
61
00:02:22,894 --> 00:02:24,936
IF YOU HAVE AN EAGLE FACE
INSTEAD OF A PERSON FACE
62
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,397
'CAUSE YOU LOST
YOUR FACE
63
00:02:27,398 --> 00:02:30,067
IN SOME SORT OF HORRIBLE HOLIDAY
TURKEY DEEP FRY ACCIDENT,
64
00:02:30,068 --> 00:02:31,359
YOU DIDN'T HAVE
ENOUGH BUTT FAT
65
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,070
TO GET A NOSE GRAFTED
ONTO YOUR FACE,
66
00:02:33,071 --> 00:02:34,612
SO YOU HAD TO BORROW ONE
FROM AN EAGLE,
67
00:02:34,613 --> 00:02:35,655
SO NOW YOU HAVE A BEAK,
AND YOU LIKE TO EAT MICE,
68
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:37,198
YOU CAN GET ON THE PLANE.
69
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,783
BOARDING ZONE TWO...
THESE ARE OUR SILVER MEMBERS,
70
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,493
OUR SILVER STAR MEMBERS,
OUR SILVER SURFER MEMBERS.
71
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,120
IF ANYBODY LIKES COMIC BOOKS,
YOU'RE A FUCKIN' NERD.
72
00:02:42,121 --> 00:02:43,663
YOU CAN SIT IN THE BACK
OF THE PLANE.
73
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,540
SILVER HAIR, IF YOU'RE OLD,
HURRY THE FUCK UP.
74
00:02:45,541 --> 00:02:47,584
SILVER SPOONS, IF YOU LIKE
RICKY SCHRODER, '80s TV SHOWS,
75
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:49,252
YOU WERE BORN REALLY WEALTHY,
YOU CAN GET ON THE PLANE.
76
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:50,837
SILVER BULLET SUMMER...
NO, MA'AM, YOU CANNOT BRING
77
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:52,296
YOUR COORS LIGHT
UP IN THIS, BITCH.
78
00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:54,549
BOARDING ZONE THREE.
[cheering]
79
00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:59,512
THESE ARE OUR...
[cheers and applause]
80
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,264
THESE ARE OUR COPPER MEMBERS,
OUR COPPER STAR MEMBERS,
81
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:02,640
OUR COPPER TOPPER MEMBERS.
82
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,101
IS ANYBODY USING
A DURACELL-OPERATED DEVICE?
83
00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:05,393
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
IF IT'S A PACEMAKER.
84
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:06,477
YOU TURN THAT OFF
FOR TAKEOFF.
85
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,729
COPPERHEAD.
86
00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,397
IF YOU HAVE A COPPERHEAD SNAKE
AS A PET
87
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,149
INSTEAD OF A NORMAL GODDAMN PET
LIKE A DOG OR A CAT,
88
00:03:11,150 --> 00:03:12,901
YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK IT,
I'M GONNA GET ME A SNAKE.
89
00:03:12,902 --> 00:03:15,112
"YEAH, FUCK YOU, DAD.
I'M NOT GOING TO LAW SCHOOL.
90
00:03:15,113 --> 00:03:16,821
"I'M GONNA GO
TO ART SCHOOL ONLINE
91
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,239
"AND LEARN
HOW TO DRAW DRAGONS
92
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,323
"AND MANAGE A HOT TOPIC
IN MY SPARE TIME.
93
00:03:19,324 --> 00:03:20,533
"I LOVE MY SNAKE.
94
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,993
"I'M BRINGING HER
TO THANKSGIVING.
95
00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:23,536
"HER NAME IS JUDY.
WE'RE IN SNAKE LOVE.
96
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,746
"I LOVE HER SO MUCH.
DON'T TOUCH ME, MOM."
97
00:03:24,747 --> 00:03:26,289
YOU GET
ON THE PLANE.
98
00:03:26,290 --> 00:03:29,459
AND BOARDING ZONE FOUR,
YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.
99
00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:35,549
[cheers and applause]
100
00:03:36,801 --> 00:03:39,218
NOW BOARDING ALL ZONES.
101
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,511
[laughter]
102
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:42,555
I SPEND
A LOT OF TIME TRAVELING.
103
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,432
SPEND A LOT OF TIME
IN HOTELS.
104
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,643
AND AS A RESULT OF IT,
I WATCH A LOT OF TV.
105
00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:48,061
AND I THINK
THE SADDEST COMMERCIAL OUT THERE
106
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:52,690
HAS TO BE THE S.P.C.A.
SARAH MCLACHLAN AD.
107
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,275
SEEN IT?
108
00:03:54,276 --> 00:03:57,278
WITH THE FUCKED UP ANIMALS?
109
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,990
CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET
ABOUT THIS COMMERCIAL?
110
00:03:59,991 --> 00:04:03,451
IT KNOWS
WHEN YOU'RE ALONE.
111
00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:04,786
[laughter]
112
00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:06,579
DO YOU EVER NOTICE
IT ONLY COMES ON
113
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,040
WHEN YOU'RE BY YOURSELF,
MAYBE YOU'RE DRUNK?
114
00:04:09,041 --> 00:04:12,002
YOU'RE VULNERABLE, RIGHT?
115
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:13,419
AND WHAT'S CRAZY
IS AT FIRST,
116
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,755
YES, YOU ARE SAD
FOR THE ANIMALS.
117
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,423
BUT THE LONGER
YOU WATCH IT,
118
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,718
THE LONGER YOUR SADNESS
KIND OF BEGINS TO TURN ON YOU,
119
00:04:20,719 --> 00:04:22,053
AND BY THE END OF IT,
SOMEHOW,
120
00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:25,682
YOU JUST FEEL REALLY BAD
FOR YOURSELF?
121
00:04:25,683 --> 00:04:27,767
YOU'RE SITTING THERE,
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
122
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,228
THERE'S... THAT CAT
DOESN'T HAVE A FACE."
123
00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,730
I DON'T KNOW.
"I'M SO SAD.
124
00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:34,024
"I FEEL SO BAD
FOR HIM.
125
00:04:34,025 --> 00:04:35,775
"AND I FEEL SO BAD
FOR HIS CAT FAMILY.
126
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:39,278
AND I FEEL SO BAD FOR...
ME."
127
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,990
[cries]
128
00:04:41,991 --> 00:04:43,158
"OH, GOD.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
129
00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:44,492
"WHAT SHOULD I DO?
130
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:47,370
I SHOULD... I SHOULD...
I SHOULD GET A CAT."
131
00:04:47,371 --> 00:04:48,705
SO YOU GET A CAT.
132
00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,748
BUT BECAUSE HE'S
FROM THE S.P.C.A.,
133
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:54,544
LIKE, LET'S BE HONEST, HE'S ALL,
LIKE, FUCKED UP AND AUTISTIC.
134
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:56,004
JUST SHITS EVERYWHERE.
135
00:04:56,005 --> 00:04:59,132
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
WHAT DID YOU EAT?"
136
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,675
GOES THROUGH YOUR STUFF.
137
00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,511
HE ONLY EATS THE BUTTONS
OFF YOUR GOOD SWEATERS.
138
00:05:03,512 --> 00:05:05,222
YOU'RE LIKE, "HOW DID YOU KNOW
TO GO TO FOR THE GOOD SWEATERS?
139
00:05:05,223 --> 00:05:06,681
"WHY DIDN'T YOU GO
FOR THE CRAPPY SWEATERS?
140
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:10,227
WHY DO YOU HAVE
SUCH EXQUISITE TASTE?"
141
00:05:10,228 --> 00:05:12,729
GOTTA GET RID OF HIM
'CAUSE HE'S RUINING EVERYTHING.
142
00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:15,523
BUT WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU CAN'T KILL HIM BECAUSE...
143
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:18,276
BECAUSE THAT'S FUCKING INSANE,
I GUESS.
144
00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:19,569
BUT YOU GOTTA GET RID OF HIM.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
145
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:20,653
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
146
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,780
YOU PUT KITTY
IN THE CAR.
147
00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,824
YOU DRIVE HIM TO A NEIGHBORHOOD
HE DOESN'T KNOW.
148
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,451
[laughter]
149
00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:30,163
YOU LET HIM
OUT OF THE CAR.
150
00:05:30,164 --> 00:05:31,455
DON'T WORRY.
151
00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:35,835
THE S.P.C.A.
WILL FIND THAT CAT.
152
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,461
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE NOTICED.
153
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:41,758
THEY'RE IN THE BUSINESS
OF SECONDHAND CATTERY.
154
00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:44,094
THEY FIND THE CAT.
THEY CLEAN HIM OFF.
155
00:05:44,095 --> 00:05:47,638
THEY UPDATE HIS RESUME.
156
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,640
HE GETS A JOB MANAGING,
LIKE, A CHIPOTLE.
157
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:52,518
HE'S FINE,
ALL RIGHT?
158
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,104
SO IN HONOR
OF THAT COMMERCIAL,
159
00:05:54,105 --> 00:05:57,275
I HAVE A TREAT
FOR YOU GUYS.
160
00:05:59,610 --> 00:06:03,072
[cheers and applause]
161
00:06:04,990 --> 00:06:05,950
THIS IS MY CAT.
162
00:06:05,951 --> 00:06:09,827
[laughter]
163
00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:14,541
[cheers and applause]
164
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,214
THIS IS MY DOG BLANCHE,
AND I ADOPTED HER.
165
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,882
AND SOMETIMES WHEN YOU ADOPT
AN ANIMAL,
166
00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,342
YOU DON'T KNOW
THEIR BACK STORY.
167
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:28,305
SO FOR BLANCHE,
I MADE ONE UP.
168
00:06:28,306 --> 00:06:30,765
IN MY HOUSE,
WE PRETEND THAT BLANCHE
169
00:06:30,766 --> 00:06:33,601
USED TO BE
A DOG PROSTITUTE...
170
00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:39,065
[laughter]
171
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:43,694
[cheers and applause]
172
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,655
WHICH MAKES SENSE,
BECAUSE AS YOU CAN TELL,
173
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:49,200
SHE'S A LITTLE SAD
BEHIND THE EYES...
174
00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:50,576
BUT SHE CLEARLY
HAS NO PROBLEM
175
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,120
WITH YOU STARING
AT HER DOG VAGINA.
176
00:06:52,121 --> 00:06:58,210
[laughter]
177
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:04,215
MAKE IT RAIN.
178
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:07,218
SHAKE IT
FOR THE MONEY.
179
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,846
SO IN HONOR OF THAT COMMERCIAL,
SHE AND I ARE NOW GOING TO DO
180
00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,430
OUR RENDITION OF IT
FOR YOU.
181
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,684
HERE WE GO.
182
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,686
[laughter]
183
00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:19,772
[singing]
IN THE ARMS
184
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:23,693
OF THE ANGEL,
185
00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:28,031
FAR AWAY
186
00:07:28,032 --> 00:07:30,741
FROM HERE,
187
00:07:30,742 --> 00:07:36,414
IN THIS DARK,
COLD HOTEL ROOM,
188
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:38,666
AND THE END,
189
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:42,713
DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH
190
00:07:45,049 --> 00:07:48,009
YOU WERE PULLED... [chuckles]
191
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:51,179
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT FOR BLANCHE.
192
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:57,143
[cheers and applause]
193
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,477
LET'S GET SERIOUS.
194
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,146
MY DOG IS SO CUTE,
I WANT TO HURT HER.
195
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,814
DO YOU EVER GET THAT WAY?
196
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,566
WHEN SOMETHING IS SO CUTE,
IT MAKES YOU ANGRY.
197
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,693
I JUST WANT TO RIP ITS NOSE
AND... [growls]
198
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:07,404
YOU EVER GET THAT WAY
WHEN SOMETHING IS SO CUTE,
199
00:08:07,405 --> 00:08:08,863
YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN
TRUST YOURSELF AROUND IT?
200
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,240
I USED TO GET THAT WAY
WITH MY NANA.
201
00:08:10,241 --> 00:08:11,824
SHE'S, LIKE, THIS TALL,
AND YOU EVER HUG
202
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,284
YOUR GRANDPARENT,
AND YOU'RE, LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
203
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:14,618
I JUST WANNA PUSH YOU
DOWN THE STAIRS."
204
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,996
YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?
205
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,289
YOU EVER FEEL THE URGE,
JUST, "WHAT IF I JUST..."
206
00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,708
[growls]
"JUST FEEL LIKE..."
207
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,293
HYPOTHETICALLY.
[sighs]
208
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,587
SOMETIMES, I GET THAT WAY
AROUND GARBAGE DISPOSALS.
209
00:08:24,588 --> 00:08:27,006
YOU EVER JUST PUT YOUR HAND IN
JUST TO FEEL THE... FEEL THE FEAR?
210
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,051
[groans]
211
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,553
YOU REACH
THE OTHER HAND OVER.
212
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,013
YOU DON'T TOUCH THE SWITCH,
BUT YOU HOVER AROUND IT?
213
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,098
YOU'RE LIKE,
"WHAT IF I JUST..."
214
00:08:35,099 --> 00:08:36,433
[groans]
"NO!"
215
00:08:36,434 --> 00:08:38,976
[grunts]
216
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:42,855
I DON'T DO THAT EITHER.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
217
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,400
SOMETIMES YOU GET THAT WAY
WITH CUTE THINGS, LIKE BABIES.
218
00:08:45,401 --> 00:08:46,901
SOMETIMES BABIES
ARE SO CUTE.
219
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,278
SOMETIMES BABIES
ARE NOT SO CUTE.
220
00:08:48,279 --> 00:08:50,113
BUT SOMETIMES BABIES...
SO CUTE,
221
00:08:50,114 --> 00:08:51,406
YOU KNOW,
FAT, LITTLE, BABY CHEEK.
222
00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:53,991
YOU JUST WANT
TO RIP HIS CHEEK OFF.
223
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:58,455
[laughter]
224
00:08:58,456 --> 00:08:59,997
BUT YOU CAN'T
'CAUSE YOU WON'T
225
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,458
BE ALLOWED
AROUND THE BABY ANYMORE.
226
00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:03,709
THAT'S FOR GODDAMN SURE.
227
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,503
THERE WAS ANOTHER VERSION
OF THAT COMMERCIAL.
228
00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:08,172
WHAT HAPPENED WAS THEY AIRED
THAT COMMERCIAL.
229
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:10,883
AND IT WAS SUCH A HIT, SO MANY
PEOPLE WERE ADOPTING PETS,
230
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,802
SO MANY PEOPLE
WERE DONATING MONEY,
231
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:16,973
SO MANY PEOPLE WERE
GOING ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS.
232
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,557
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
"LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE."
233
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,851
SO THEY TRIED TO RECREATE
THE MAGIC OF THAT ONE.
234
00:09:20,852 --> 00:09:22,353
SO IN THIS COMMERCIAL,
THEY PLAY
235
00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,105
ANOTHER SARAH MCLACHLAN SONG,
OKAY?
236
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:27,817
I DON'T KNOW THE SONG,
BUT IT'S SOME LESBIAN CHANT.
237
00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:28,859
THAT'S HAPPENING.
238
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,945
[laughter]
239
00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:33,906
AND THEY ZOOM IN
ON THESE PICTURES
240
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,158
OF THESE JACKED UP ANIMALS.
241
00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:36,867
AND AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE SCREEN,
242
00:09:36,868 --> 00:09:40,330
THEY PUT A CAPTION
OF WHAT THE ANIMAL IS THINKING?
243
00:09:40,331 --> 00:09:42,415
[laughter]
244
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:46,294
NOW, WHERE THEY GOT
THAT INFORMATION, I DON'T KNOW.
245
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,379
THEY SHOW A DOG,
AND HE'S ALL NO TEETH.
246
00:09:48,380 --> 00:09:52,049
HE'S JUST AWFUL-LOOKING,
LIKE, "NAH!"
247
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,843
"WHERE'S MY FAMILY?"
248
00:09:53,844 --> 00:09:56,179
"I DON'T KNOW!"
249
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:58,055
[mouths words]
250
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,308
THEY SHOW ANOTHER DOG,
AND HE'S ALL MUDDY AND GNARLY.
251
00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:03,019
HE'S JUST, "NAH!"
252
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,979
"I HOPE THEY COME BACK
FOR ME."
253
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,023
"NAH!
254
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:09,233
"DAD, YOU SAID YOU WAS
GOING FOR CIGARETTES.
255
00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,694
"WHY?
256
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:14,489
IT'S ME, SPOT."
257
00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,032
AND THEN,
THEY SHOWED A CAT.
258
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:18,409
AND THIS CAT WAS,
LIKE, 45 POUNDS.
259
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,579
IT... IT HAD ONE EYE.
[all aw]
260
00:10:21,580 --> 00:10:23,164
AND IT TURNED...
DO YOU KNOW HIM?
261
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:26,292
AND IT TURNED AROUND...
HE TURNED AROUND IN SLOW MOTION,
262
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,877
AND IT WASN'T
A CAMERA TRICK.
263
00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:30,796
HE'S JUST, LIKE,
A 45-POUND CAT, I GUESS.
264
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,382
HE DOESN'T HAVE,
LIKE, A MEETING TO RUSH TO.
265
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:33,591
SO HE'S NOT...
266
00:10:33,592 --> 00:10:39,681
[groaning]
267
00:10:42,059 --> 00:10:47,439
[laughter]
268
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:54,028
"I'M SORRY
FOR WHATEVER I DID WRONG."
269
00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,946
NO, THAT'S WHERE I STOPPED
BUYING THAT COMMERCIAL.
270
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:58,575
THERE'S NO WAY
A CAT HAS REMORSE.
271
00:10:58,576 --> 00:11:00,076
[laughter]
272
00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,327
YOU EVER MET A CAT?
273
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,870
THERE'S NO WAY
HE'S APOLOGETIC.
274
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,455
WHATEVER THAT CAT DID
TO LAND HIM IN CAT JAIL,
275
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:05,956
HE'S NOT SORRY
HE DID IT.
276
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:07,375
HE'S SORRY
HE GOT CAUGHT.
277
00:11:07,376 --> 00:11:10,587
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
278
00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:15,425
[cheers and applause]
279
00:11:15,426 --> 00:11:16,967
THAT CAT'S AS HARD AS THEY COME.
HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.
280
00:11:16,968 --> 00:11:18,844
HE'S SITTING THERE
IN HIS LITTLE CAT CELL.
281
00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:22,348
HE'S GOT "MEOW MIX FOR LIFE"
TATTOOED ON HIS LITTLE BELLY.
282
00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,350
HE'S GOT A LITTLE RAT
THAT HE'S MADE HIS BITCH.
283
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,769
IT'S CARVING A SHIV
OUT OF CHEESE IN THE CORNER.
284
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,438
HE'S GOT
ONE SHARPENED CAT CLAW.
285
00:11:28,439 --> 00:11:31,023
HE'S JUST RUNNING IT
AGAINST THE BARS, LIKE, "BRR.
286
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,900
BRR."
287
00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,026
OH, YEAH, HE'S GOT ONE EYE.
I FORGOT.
288
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,571
"BRR.
BRR."
289
00:11:36,572 --> 00:11:38,072
HE'S LIKE, "HEAR ME?"
[spits]
290
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:41,033
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK."
[meowing]
291
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,452
"YOU THINK I CARE?
292
00:11:42,453 --> 00:11:44,412
"OH, HELL, YEAH,
I SCRATCHED UP YOUR CURTAINS.
293
00:11:44,413 --> 00:11:46,872
AND I'D DO IT AGAIN.
FUCK YOU."
294
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,625
[laughter]
295
00:11:48,626 --> 00:11:51,168
THIS IS A CAT PAW.
296
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:55,549
[laughter and applause]
297
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,760
THAT COMMERCIAL
IS SAD.
298
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,596
THE COMMERCIAL THAT MAKES ME
FEEL THE WORST ABOUT MYSELF,
299
00:12:01,597 --> 00:12:05,683
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY, WOULD BE
THE P90X COMMERCIALS.
300
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:09,770
THAT COMMERCIAL ALWAYS COMES ON
WHEN I'M EATING...
301
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,272
[laughter]
302
00:12:11,273 --> 00:12:12,731
WHICH IS THE WORST TIME
303
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,692
FOR ANY FITNESS COMMERCIAL
COMES ON 'CAUSE IT KNOWS
304
00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:16,777
WHEN YOU'RE SITTING THERE
BEING A LITTLE FATTY,
305
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,529
EATIN' GRAHAM CRACKERS
WITH YOUR SHIRT OFF,
306
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:19,697
WATCHING "LAW & ORDER: SVU."
307
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,782
IT KNOWS.
308
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,201
AND IT COMES ON, AND IT GETS
YOU, YOU'RE JUST SITTIN' THERE.
309
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,453
YOU'RE LIKE,
"I'LL NEVER FIND LOVE.
310
00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:27,705
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T..."
311
00:12:27,706 --> 00:12:29,499
[mimics static]
"DO YOU WANT TO GET IN SHAPE?"
312
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,210
YOU'RE LIKE...
[gasps]
313
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:35,754
[laughter]
314
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:38,090
AND BY THE WAY,
IT'S NOT ASKING YOU
315
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,718
IF YOU WANT TO GET
IN REGULAR-PERSON SHAPE.
316
00:12:40,719 --> 00:12:42,219
IT'S NOT TALKING
TO NORMAL PEOPLE.
317
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,929
IT'S TALKING
TO, LIKE, NAVY SEALS.
318
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,556
IT'S TALKING
TO CRAZY PEOPLE.
319
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,725
IT'S NOT ASKING YOU
IF YOU WANT TO LOOK MEDIOCRE
320
00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,268
WHEN YOU GO TO THE POOL
THIS SUMMER, UH-UH.
321
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,103
IT'S JUST FOR CRAZY...
IT'S SAYING,
322
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,772
"HEY, FAGGOT, DO YOU WANT TO GET
IN SUCH FUCKING GOOD SHAPE
323
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,650
"SO FUCKING QUICKLY
THAT YOUR ARMS
324
00:12:55,651 --> 00:12:57,360
"AND YOUR...
AND YOUR CHEST AND YOUR BACK
325
00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:59,111
"GET TOO BIG TO FIT
THROUGH NORMAL DOORWAYS,
326
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,989
"SO EVERY TIME YOU COME THROUGH,
YOU SMASH INTO THE PLASTER,
327
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,199
"AND YOU'RE COSTING YOUR MOTHER
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS
328
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,241
"IN DRYWALL DAMAGE?
329
00:13:04,242 --> 00:13:05,702
"IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
330
00:13:05,703 --> 00:13:07,328
"DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS
AND FAMILY TO FEAR YOU
331
00:13:07,329 --> 00:13:08,996
"BECAUSE YOU DRINK
HORSE TESTOSTERONE
332
00:13:08,997 --> 00:13:11,666
"AND CREATINE SHAKES,
AND THEY MAKE YOU SLEEP OUTSIDE?
333
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:13,917
"IS THAT WHAT
YOU FUCKIN' WANT?
334
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,545
"DO YOU WANT TO GET SO HUGE
SO QUICKLY,
335
00:13:15,546 --> 00:13:17,046
"SO UNNATURALLY,
THAT ALL YOUR CLOTHES
336
00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,048
"SHRINK ON YOU,
AND THEY FIT LIKE BABY CLOTHES
337
00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:20,883
"'CAUSE YOU'RE LIKE THE HULK
MID-TRANSFORMATION,
338
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:22,760
"AND YOU CAN'T AFFORD
TO BUY NEW CLOTHES
339
00:13:22,761 --> 00:13:25,722
'CAUSE YOU SPENT ALL YOUR MONEY
ON THESE FUCKING P90X DVDs?"
340
00:13:25,723 --> 00:13:28,808
[cheers and applause]
341
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:35,022
MY QUESTION IS WHY?
342
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:37,233
WHY WOULD
THE AVERAGE GUY
343
00:13:37,234 --> 00:13:39,777
WANT TO GET THAT JACKED
THAT FAST?
344
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:43,447
WHY? SO YOU CAN, WHAT,
BE THE STRONGEST MANAGER
345
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:47,159
AT THE VERIZON STORE?
346
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,745
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT MUSCLE?
347
00:13:48,746 --> 00:13:50,913
YOU WORK IN SALES.
YOU'RE NOT GUARDING SPARTA.
348
00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:53,750
IT'S FINE.
349
00:13:53,751 --> 00:13:56,460
"THIS IS SMART PHONE."
[mimics thud]
350
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,879
[laughter]
351
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,964
I THINK P90X HAS
A SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE
352
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:02,800
THAT A LOT OF US
ARE MISSING
353
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:04,761
'CAUSE I DON'T THINK THEY'RE
TALKING TO REGULAR PEOPLE.
354
00:14:04,762 --> 00:14:07,805
I THINK THE COMMERCIAL NEEDS
TO BE HONEST AND COME CLEAN
355
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,307
AND SAY WHAT THEIR PRODUCT
IS REALLY MEANT FOR.
356
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:12,059
THE COMMERCIAL
SHOULD SOUND LIKE THIS.
357
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:14,604
"HEY, P90X GUY HERE.
WHAT'S UP?
358
00:14:14,605 --> 00:14:18,232
"SO DID YOU,
LIKE, RECENTLY COMMIT A CRIME,
359
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:21,026
"AND YOU'VE BEEN SENTENCED
TO PRISON,
360
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:25,364
AND YOU HAVE TO REPORT THERE
IN 90 DAYS, SO..."
361
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:30,953
[laughter]
362
00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,914
"YOU FIGURE
IN THE INTERIM,
363
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:35,541
"YOU'LL JUST GET AS HUGE
AS POSSIBLE
364
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,543
"FOR FEAR OF THE SAFETY
OF YOUR BUTTHOLE?
365
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:40,129
P90X."
366
00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,130
[laughter and applause]
367
00:14:41,131 --> 00:14:44,258
YEAH.
368
00:14:44,259 --> 00:14:45,843
IT'S A PRISON WORKOUT.
369
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,303
THEY'RE LIKE,
"YOU CAN DO IT
370
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:48,887
FROM THE COMFORT
OF YOUR OWN LIVING ROOM."
371
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,431
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOUR LIVING ROOM
AND A JAIL CELL
372
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:51,974
ARE ROUGHLY
THE SAME SQUARE FOOTAGE.
373
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,392
DO THE MATH.
374
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,852
THINK ABOUT IT.
"NO EQUIPMENT.
375
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:56,687
NO EXCUSES."
NO SHIT THERE'S NO EQUIPMENT.
376
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:58,355
YOU'LL GET RAPED
WITH EQUIPMENT IN PRISON.
377
00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:00,274
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT THERE.
378
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:02,109
"WE HERE AT P90X
WANT YOU TO GET CREATIVE
379
00:15:02,110 --> 00:15:03,569
"WITH YOUR WORKOUT.
FUCK YOUR ANTIQUES, BRO.
380
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:04,695
"YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S
GONNA BREAK UP WITH YOU
381
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,071
"WHEN YOU GO
TO JAIL ANYWAY.
382
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:07,740
"MAY AS WELL USE SHIT
AROUND YOUR HOUSE.
383
00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:09,492
"TAKE YOUR DINING ROOM TABLE.
CUT OFF THE BACK LEGS.
384
00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:10,868
"PUT IT AT AN ANGLE.
385
00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:12,662
"NOW, YOU HAVE A BENCH
FOR INCLINE PRESSES.
386
00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:14,664
"P90X.
387
00:15:14,665 --> 00:15:16,373
"GO AHEAD.
GRAB YOUR OLD KENWOOD SPEAKERS.
388
00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:17,625
"THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKE 'EM OFF THE FRONT LAWN.
389
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:19,126
"USE THOSE FOR WEIGHT.
390
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,377
"YOU CAN TAKE WATER BOTTLES.
DUMP THAT SHIT OUT.
391
00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:21,378
"FILL 'EM UP WITH SAND.
392
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:22,921
"USE THOSE
FOR BICEP CURLS
393
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,548
"'CAUSE YOU'RE TOO CHEAP
TO BUY A SHAKE WEIGHT.
394
00:15:24,549 --> 00:15:25,758
"YOU'RE GONNA GET ENOUGH OF THIS
IN PRISON.
395
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:27,009
P90X."
396
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:32,724
[laughter and applause]
397
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:37,687
THE PROBLEM WITH P90X
IS THAT IT WORKS.
398
00:15:37,688 --> 00:15:41,732
LIKE, YES,
IT WILL CHANGE YOUR BODY,
399
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:45,529
BUT ONLY
FROM THE NECK DOWN.
400
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:48,572
THEY DON'T TELL YOU
IN THE COMMERCIAL
401
00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:53,786
YOUR FACE STAYS
EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT WAS.
402
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:56,121
"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE THE BODY
OF A 20-YEAR-OLD ADONIS,
403
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:58,332
"BUT GO AHEAD
AND KEEP THE FACE
404
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:02,211
"OF A BALDING,
MIDDLE-AGED ACCOUNTANT?
405
00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,421
"P90X, DISAPPOINT YOUR WIFE
FROM THE CHIN UP
406
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:07,007
ON A NIGHTLY BASIS."
407
00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:08,384
THESE GUYS AT P90X,
408
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,010
YOU WANT TO LOOK HOT,
JUST GET IN SHAPE.
409
00:16:10,011 --> 00:16:12,722
I THINK WOMEN IN OUR COUNTRY
HAVE TOO MANY OPTIONS
410
00:16:12,723 --> 00:16:14,891
FOR WEIGHT LOSS
TO THE POINT OF PARALYSIS.
411
00:16:14,892 --> 00:16:16,392
THERE'S SO MANY OPTIONS.
412
00:16:16,393 --> 00:16:18,644
YOU GO ON TV, THE INTERNET,
WOMEN'S MAGAZINES.
413
00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:21,021
THERE'S SO MANY,
YOU CAN'T EVEN MAKE A CHOICE.
414
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,815
I WAS READING A WOMEN'S MAGAZINE
THE OTHER DAY
415
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,568
'CAUSE I WANTED
TO PUNISH MYSELF
416
00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:26,736
AND JUST FEEL AWFUL,
417
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,738
AND THEY HAD
ALL THESE DIET TIPS.
418
00:16:28,739 --> 00:16:30,573
DIET TIPS FOR LADIES.
419
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:32,199
I SAW THIS ONE
IN "COSMO."
420
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,326
THEY SUGGESTED THAT WOMEN,
IF YOU'RE ON A DIET,
421
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,662
"NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON A DIET
AND YOU'RE HUNGRY,
422
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,497
DON'T RUIN THE DAY..."
'CAUSE YOUR WHOLE DAY IS RUINED
423
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:39,832
IF YOU EAT A DOUGHNUT,
BY THE WAY.
424
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,501
YOU HAVE
TO KILL YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY.
425
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,461
"DON'T RUIN THE DAY
BY GRABBING A FRIED SNACK.
426
00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:47,089
INSTEAD, JUST GRAB
A HANDFUL OF ALMONDS."
427
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,925
JUST GO OUT... JUST GO AND GRAB
A HANDFUL OF ALMONDS.
428
00:16:48,926 --> 00:16:50,718
YOU EVER DO THIS?
429
00:16:50,719 --> 00:16:52,511
WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY, YOU GET
A HANDFUL OF... YOU DON'T DO THAT?
430
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,846
YOU DON'T GO UP
TO THE NEAREST TREE
431
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,013
AND JUST
GIRAFFE YOURSELF LIKE...
432
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:57,182
[grunts]
433
00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,477
[laughter and applause]
434
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:04,064
"CINDY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE."
[grunts]
435
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,441
HANDFUL OF ALMONDS.
436
00:17:05,442 --> 00:17:07,192
"COSMO" SAYS GET A HANDFUL
OF ALMONDS.
437
00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:08,485
JUST GO AHEAD, GET A HANDFUL
OF ALMONDS, AND GET A HAND...
438
00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:09,862
WHY DON'T YOU GO
FUCK YOURSELF
439
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:11,530
WITH A HANDFUL
OF ALMONDS, "COSMO"?
440
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:12,990
SEE HOW FULL
YOU GET OFF THAT.
441
00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:16,786
I'M A GROWN WOMAN,
NOT A SUGAR SQUIRREL.
442
00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:17,828
ALMONDS.
443
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,622
JUICING.
THAT'S A BIG THING.
444
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,331
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST JUICE IT?
DO YOU WANT TO JUST JUICE?
445
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:23,626
"WE SHOULD DO JUICES
AND SMOOTHIES.
446
00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:25,127
YOU WANNA MAKE
A SMOOTHIE?"
447
00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:27,004
[high-pitched]
YOU PRONOUNCE SMOOTHIE LIKE THIS
448
00:17:27,005 --> 00:17:29,172
'CAUSE YOU ONLY NEED THIS MUCH
OF YOUR MOUTH OPEN TO DRINK IT.
449
00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,424
[laughter]
450
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:34,344
SMOOTHIE.
[mimics bleating]
451
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,596
THEY WANT WOMEN
TO DO THIS.
452
00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:36,889
TAKE ALL YOUR FOOD,
JUICE IT DOWN.
453
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,474
GO GET YOUR CARROTS.
GET YOUR KALE.
454
00:17:38,475 --> 00:17:40,810
DON'T FORGET THE KALE.
GET YOUR KALE.
455
00:17:40,811 --> 00:17:42,269
GET THE APPLES.
PUT IT IN THE JUICER.
456
00:17:42,270 --> 00:17:43,854
GO AHEAD AND JUICE THE APPLE
AND THE CELERY.
457
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:45,522
PUT YOUR HAND IN THE JUICER.
JUICE YOUR HAND DOWN.
458
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:47,149
JUICE YOUR HAND
RIGHT DOWN TO THE NUB.
459
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:48,985
MAKE SURE YOU JUICE ALL OF IT.
YOU'LL LOSE 2 OUNCES.
460
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:51,654
DRINK YOUR HAND, THERE'S LOTS
OF NUTRIENTS IN YOUR HAND.
461
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,280
"COSMO" NEVER SAID
TO JUICE YOUR HAND.
462
00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:54,448
I'M JUST GONNA
PUT THAT OUT THERE.
463
00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:55,950
MAKE A SMOOTHIE.
464
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:57,701
DO YOU HAVE TIME IN THE MORNING
TO MAKE A SMOOTHIE?
465
00:17:57,702 --> 00:17:58,620
YOU HAVE TIME FOR THIS?
466
00:17:58,621 --> 00:18:00,370
NO?
SHOCKING.
467
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:01,998
YOU DON'T HAVE TIME
IN THE MORNING
468
00:18:01,999 --> 00:18:04,834
TO GO OUT TO YOUR OWN
PERSONAL BOTANICAL GARDEN
469
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:06,961
AND CUT DOWN
A BRONTOSAURUS BRUNCH
470
00:18:06,962 --> 00:18:08,211
WORTH OF BROCCOLI
AND ASPARAGUS,
471
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,505
JUICE IT DOWN
TO AN OUNCE,
472
00:18:09,506 --> 00:18:10,840
SO YOU CAN SHIT GREEN
FOR A WEEK?
473
00:18:10,841 --> 00:18:12,591
YOU DON'T HAVE TIME?
474
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:16,679
[laughter]
475
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:17,972
I LOVE BEING
A STAND-UP COMEDIAN.
476
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:21,017
IT'S PROBABLY
THE BEST JOB EVER.
477
00:18:21,018 --> 00:18:22,935
UH, IF I COULD HAVE
ANY JOB...
478
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,311
IF I COULD HAVE ANY JOB,
I WOULD BE A CAT.
479
00:18:24,312 --> 00:18:26,939
BUT THAT IS
NOT SOMETHING
480
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:30,651
I'M SUPPOSED
TO TALK ABOUT IN PUBLIC.
481
00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:32,486
IF I COULD HAVE ANY JOB
BESIDES THIS,
482
00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:36,699
I KNOW THIS SOUNDS WEIRD,
BUT I WOULD BE A PHARMACIST
483
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,408
BECAUSE I WOULD BE...
484
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,202
LIKE, I WOULD ADD
SOMETHING COOL TO IT.
485
00:18:40,203 --> 00:18:42,287
I WOULD BE, LIKE, A DIFFERENT
KIND OF PHARMACIST, OKAY?
486
00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,747
SO I WOULD
DO IT DIFFERENTLY, OKAY?
487
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:45,791
SO... SO I WOULD LOOK
LIKE A PHARMACIST.
488
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:46,959
I WOULD WEAR
THE WHITE COAT,
489
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,460
'CAUSE WITHOUT THE WHITE COAT,
490
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,295
YOU'RE JUST A DRUG DEALER.
491
00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,589
[chuckles]
492
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,341
I'D WEAR THE WHITE COAT,
BUT UNDER IT,
493
00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,968
I WOULD GO TO, LIKE,
A RENAISSANCE FAIR.
494
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:57,887
WE HAVE RENAISSANCE FAIRS HERE?
All: YEAH.
495
00:18:57,888 --> 00:19:00,222
- YES! OF COURSE WE DO.
EVERY STATE'S GOT WHITE TRASH.
496
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:03,600
OF COURSE WE DO.
SO I'D GO TO A RENAISSANCE FAIR.
497
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:06,228
AND I WOULD GO TO, LIKE,
THE WITCH DOCTOR'S TENT.
498
00:19:06,229 --> 00:19:09,023
AND I WOULD GET ONE OF THOSE,
LIKE, MEDIEVAL WITCH WOMAN BELTS
499
00:19:09,024 --> 00:19:10,399
THAT HAS,
LIKE, SOME LEATHER.
500
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,776
AND IT'S GOT BELLS
AND RACCOON PELTS
501
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:15,112
AND A JUG
FOR YOUR ALE, WHATEVER.
502
00:19:15,113 --> 00:19:17,573
AND IT'D HAVE, LIKE, A JAR
OF PIGEON WHISPERERS.
503
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:19,408
I'D HAVE ALL THESE THINGS,
ALL THE ACCOUTREMENT
504
00:19:19,409 --> 00:19:21,118
OF A CREEPY WITCH
ON MY BELT.
505
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:23,161
AND I'D PUT IT UNDER THE COAT
SO THAT WHEN I WALKED,
506
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,414
THE COAT WOULD FLARE OPEN,
AND YOU'D GET GLIMPSES
507
00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:26,999
OF MY MEDIEVAL TRICKERY
UNDER IT.
508
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,126
JUST... [blows]
509
00:19:29,127 --> 00:19:30,961
AND YOU'D BE IN LINE
AT THE PHARMACY.
510
00:19:30,962 --> 00:19:32,963
AND YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT'S UP
WITH THAT ONE PHARMACIST?
511
00:19:32,964 --> 00:19:34,381
"IS SHE INTO THE DARK ARTS?
512
00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:36,425
"IS SHE A SORCERESS?
MAGIC WITH A 'K'?
513
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:39,428
DOES SHE PLAY "SKYRIM" ALONE?
WHAT IS THAT?"
514
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,430
[blows]
515
00:19:41,431 --> 00:19:42,848
AND I WOULDN'T COME UP
TO THE COUNTER.
516
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,934
INSTEAD... INSTEAD OF A BELL
THAT YOU RING,
517
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:46,852
I WOULD GET...
I WOULD GET A RAVEN.
518
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:49,312
I WOULD STUFF A RAVEN.
519
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,565
AND I WOULD GIVE IT A BEARD.
I'D GLUE ON THE BEARD.
520
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,400
I WOULD SPEND MY TIME
GLUING THE BEARD ON,
521
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,111
AND IT WOULD HAVE A BEARD, AND
I WOULD SIT HIM ON THE PERCH,
522
00:19:55,112 --> 00:19:56,779
SO WHEN YOU CAME UP
TO THE COUNTER,
523
00:19:56,780 --> 00:19:58,238
YOU'D HAVE
TO PULL THE BEARD.
524
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:02,076
AND THEN THE RAVEN WILL GO...
[squawks]
525
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:04,327
THAT'S MY CUE TO APPEAR.
[squawks]
526
00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:07,998
AND THEN I'D... PFFT.
YES?
527
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:10,667
SECRETLY, I WAS WAITING UNDER
THE COUNTER TO HEAR THE RAVEN.
528
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,962
AND THEN... PFFT.
YES?
529
00:20:12,963 --> 00:20:14,088
I WAS RIGHT THERE.
THERE'S NO MAGIC.
530
00:20:14,089 --> 00:20:15,338
I'M RIGHT THERE.
531
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,424
[in elderly woman voice]
YES, MY CHILD?
532
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,301
[normal voice]
I CALL YOU MY CHILD
533
00:20:19,302 --> 00:20:21,386
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT
CREEPY PEOPLE DO.
534
00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,013
[in elderly woman voice]
YES?
535
00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:24,306
[normal voice] AND YOU'D HAND ME
YOUR PRESCRIPTION.
536
00:20:24,307 --> 00:20:27,517
AND I'D SAY,
"OKAY, ONE MOMENT."
537
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:30,312
AND I'D HAVE A HUMP.
OH, YEAH, I HAVE A HUMP.
538
00:20:30,313 --> 00:20:31,563
YOU GOTTA HAVE A HUMP.
539
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:32,731
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE
MAKING MEDICINE,
540
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,191
YOU GOTTA HAVE A HUMP
541
00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:37,235
'CAUSE THE HUMP SAYS
THAT YOU'RE SERIOUS.
542
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,612
A HUMP
IS YOUR CALLING CARD.
543
00:20:38,613 --> 00:20:40,614
A HUMP SAYS,
"I'M NOT OUT PARTYING.
544
00:20:40,615 --> 00:20:41,865
"I'M NOT OUT
GETTING DRUNK.
545
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:44,034
"I'M DOWNSTAIRS
IN THE BASEMENT
546
00:20:44,035 --> 00:20:46,996
"STUDYING ALCHEMY AND...
AND WITCHERY.
547
00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:48,455
"AND I'M LEARNING
HOW TO TURN
548
00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:49,790
"NEWT THOUGHTS
INTO RAT EYEBALLS.
549
00:20:49,791 --> 00:20:51,541
"I'M DOING THINGS
LIKE THAT.
550
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,710
"I'M LEARNING THE PROPER USE
FOR AN ERLENMEYER FLASK.
551
00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:55,712
I'M DOWN THERE
DOING THESE THINGS, OKAY?"
552
00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:57,506
SO I HAVE THE HUMP,
AND THEN...
553
00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,758
AND THEN, I'D TAKE YOUR...
I'D TAKE YOUR PRESCRIPTION.
554
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:03,762
AND... ONE MOMENT.
[groans]
555
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:06,974
I HAVE A LIMP TOO...
556
00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,391
'CAUSE THE LIMP
557
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,103
COMES WITH THE HUMP,
STANDARD.
558
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:12,604
[sighs]
559
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,107
AND THEN I WOULD SET TO WORK
MAKING YOUR MEDICINE.
560
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,026
SO I'D BE BACK HERE,
AND I WOULD HAVE MY BACK TO YOU.
561
00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:19,069
AND I'D... I'D HAVE
ALL THESE SOUND EFFECTS
562
00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:21,780
ON, LIKE, A KEYBOARD READY,
SO YOU WOULD BE STANDING THERE.
563
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:22,906
AND YOU'D HEAR LIKE...
[mimics bleating]
564
00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,241
[mimics thud and bleating]
565
00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:25,784
[mimics animals squealing]
566
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,661
[mimics thud]
"EH, ONE MOMENT."
567
00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:31,081
[mimics bleating, thud,
and animals squealing]
568
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:34,168
AND I WOULD ALSO HAVE
A CLOSED-CIRCUIT TV RIGHT HERE,
569
00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:37,420
SO I COULD WATCH EVERYTHING
IN THE PHARMACY, OKAY?
570
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,173
SO YOU WOULD GO TO,
LIKE, TOUCH SOMETHING,
571
00:21:39,174 --> 00:21:40,507
AND I WOULD SEE YOU
ON THE TV.
572
00:21:40,508 --> 00:21:42,218
AND I WOULD
JUST SAY THIS,
573
00:21:42,219 --> 00:21:45,137
"I WOULDN'T TOUCH THAT
IF I WERE YOU."
574
00:21:45,138 --> 00:21:48,098
[chuckles]
BUT I'M JUST WATCHING YOU.
575
00:21:48,099 --> 00:21:50,017
AND I HAVE...
AND, LIKE, AN HOUR LATER,
576
00:21:50,018 --> 00:21:52,602
I'D EMERGE WITH YOUR MEDICINE
577
00:21:52,603 --> 00:21:53,854
IN THE ORANGE BOTTLE.
578
00:21:53,855 --> 00:21:55,231
LIKE, I DIDN'T MAKE
YOUR SHIT.
579
00:21:55,232 --> 00:21:57,440
I HAD IT READY TO GO.
580
00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:59,943
I WAS JUST WASTING YOUR TIME...
581
00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:01,486
'CAUSE A HUMP SUGGESTS
THAT I'M MAKING IT,
582
00:22:01,487 --> 00:22:03,321
SO I WANT YOU
TO FOLLOW THAT FANTASY.
583
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,699
I DIDN'T... I DON'T KNOW HOW
TO MAKE MEDICINE OUT OF HERBS.
584
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:06,700
I'M NOT CHINESE.
585
00:22:06,701 --> 00:22:10,328
SO I HAVE IT.
586
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,663
AND I'D COME UP
TO THE COUNTER.
587
00:22:11,664 --> 00:22:13,456
AND I'D SAY...
AND I'D SET IT DOWN.
588
00:22:13,457 --> 00:22:17,669
AND I'D SAY, "WOULD YOU LIKE
A CONSULTATION?"
589
00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:19,838
[laughter]
590
00:22:19,839 --> 00:22:21,548
AND YOU'D SAY, "SURE."
AND I'D SAY, "OKAY."
591
00:22:21,549 --> 00:22:23,259
AND I'D HOLD UP YOUR PILL
TO THE LIGHT.
592
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:24,968
I SHOULDN'T TOUCH YOUR MEDICINE,
BUT I'M GOING TO.
593
00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:27,804
I'D HOLD IT UP, AND I'D SAY,
"TAKE ONE!"
594
00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,556
[mimicking echoes]
ONE, ONE.
595
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,474
AND I'D HAVE ALL THE OTHER
PHARMACISTS FLIP THE LIGHTS
596
00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:33,518
ON AND OFF TO MAKE IT...
597
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:34,937
AND THEY'D PUT LIGHTERS UP
TO THE SPRINKLERS.
598
00:22:34,938 --> 00:22:36,188
AND WE'D GET
ONE OF THE FOG MACHINES
599
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,397
LEFT OVER
FROM OUR HALLOWEEN SALE.
600
00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:38,398
AND PFFT,
601
00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:39,942
AND IT WOULD
FILL THE ROOM.
602
00:22:39,943 --> 00:22:41,860
AND WE'D HAVE PEOPLE
WAFTING IT WITH CAR MATS
603
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:44,487
JUST TO MAKE IT GO
IN SOME SORT OF CIRCLE.
604
00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:47,908
"TAKE ONE
ON THE SEVENTH SOLSTICE
605
00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,202
OF THE THIRD
VERNAL EQUINOX."
606
00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:52,871
IT'S TWO DIFFERENT TIMES A YEAR,
BUT IT'S JUST A BIT.
607
00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:56,583
"TAKE ONE
IN THE PRESENCE...
608
00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,252
"PRESENCE OF A RIGHTEOUS MAN
609
00:22:58,253 --> 00:22:59,836
"WITH THE BLOOD
OF A VIRGIN.
610
00:22:59,837 --> 00:23:01,046
"ALSO WITH CRACKERS,
611
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:05,092
SO YOU DON'T UPSET
YOUR TUMMY."
612
00:23:05,093 --> 00:23:06,927
I GIVE IT TO YOU,
AND AS YOU ARE GOING TO LEAVE,
613
00:23:06,928 --> 00:23:08,053
YOU DIDN'T
EVEN SAY ANYTHING.
614
00:23:08,054 --> 00:23:09,638
I'D SAY, "WAIT!"
615
00:23:09,639 --> 00:23:12,099
I GRAB YOU...
616
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:14,226
GRAB YOU
WITH A GRABBING HAND.
617
00:23:14,227 --> 00:23:15,811
WHAT'S A GRABBING HAND?
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
618
00:23:15,812 --> 00:23:17,354
YOU CAN'T...
IF YOU'RE GONNA GRAB SOMEONE
619
00:23:17,355 --> 00:23:19,106
AND YOU WANT TO INSTILL FEAR
IN THEIR HEARTS,
620
00:23:19,107 --> 00:23:20,523
YOU CAN'T GRAB
WITH A WELL-MANICURED HAND
621
00:23:20,524 --> 00:23:21,608
WITH, LIKE,
A PRETTY RING.
622
00:23:21,609 --> 00:23:23,277
NO ONE'S
GONNA BE AFRAID.
623
00:23:23,278 --> 00:23:24,402
IF I GRAB YOU WITH THIS HAND,
YOU'D BE LIKE, "WHAT?
624
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:25,528
THAT SOUNDS AWESOME."
625
00:23:25,529 --> 00:23:27,281
IT'S GOT
TO BE CREEPY, OKAY?
626
00:23:27,282 --> 00:23:28,615
SOMEONE GRABS YOU
OUT OF A GRAVE.
627
00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:30,450
WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?
IT'S SINEWY.
628
00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:32,244
IT'S GOT DIRTY NAILS.
IT'S ALL "THRILLER" -LOOKING.
629
00:23:32,245 --> 00:23:34,621
JUST NAH!
GONNA GRAB HIM.
630
00:23:34,622 --> 00:23:35,664
HOW DO YOU MAKE
A GRABBING HAND?
631
00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:36,957
I'M GOING
TO TELL YOU.
632
00:23:36,958 --> 00:23:38,208
YOU PUT YOUR HAND
OUTSIDE YOUR CAR
633
00:23:38,209 --> 00:23:39,876
FOR TWO HOURS A DAY,
634
00:23:39,877 --> 00:23:43,839
SO IT TANS QUICKER
THAN THE REST OF YOU.
635
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,799
YOU TAKE SPECIAL LIVER PILLS
THAT PREVENT YOUR LIVER
636
00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:47,259
FROM FUNCTIONING
ON THIS SIDE.
637
00:23:47,260 --> 00:23:50,137
SO YOU START TO GET LIVER SPOTS
ALL OVER, OKAY?
638
00:23:50,138 --> 00:23:51,347
NOW, YOU GOTTA MAKE
YOUR FINGERS CREEPY.
639
00:23:51,348 --> 00:23:52,848
SO MAYBE...
SO THIS FINGER...
640
00:23:52,849 --> 00:23:54,808
YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, A COKE NAIL
ON THAT FINGER.
641
00:23:54,809 --> 00:23:57,394
THIS ONE'S GOT, LIKE... LIKE,
A RACCOON EYEBALL FOR A RING.
642
00:23:57,395 --> 00:23:59,104
MAYBE THIS...
YOU DON'T NEED THIS FINGER.
643
00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:01,190
YOU CUT THIS ONE OFF TOTALLY
'CAUSE YOU LOST IT...
644
00:24:01,191 --> 00:24:02,607
YOU LOST IT
IN THE HOBBIT BORE.
645
00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:03,650
I DON'T CARE.
646
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:06,320
AND THEN
YOU GET A BRACELET
647
00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:08,655
MADE OF, LIKE, WHORE GYPSY
KARDASHIAN HAIR.
648
00:24:08,656 --> 00:24:10,991
YOU WRAP YOUR HAND IN IT.
649
00:24:10,992 --> 00:24:13,410
[laughter and applause]
650
00:24:13,411 --> 00:24:15,371
AND JUST AS YOU'RE...
I PULL OUT MY GRABBING HAND.
651
00:24:15,372 --> 00:24:18,248
I HAVE IT SHEATHED.
IT'S SHEATHED IN A SHEATH.
652
00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:20,376
AND, UH...
653
00:24:20,377 --> 00:24:22,169
JUST AS YOU WERE LEAVING,
I'D GO, "WAIT!"
654
00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:23,670
YOU'D BE,
LIKE, "WHAT?"
655
00:24:23,671 --> 00:24:27,674
AND I'D SAY,
"THERE'S ONE MORE THING."
656
00:24:27,675 --> 00:24:29,759
AND I'D PULL OUT A HAND
OF MAGIC DUST,
657
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,804
WHICH IS JUST SAND FROM THE
BEACH AISLE IN THE PHARMACY.
658
00:24:32,805 --> 00:24:34,973
I'D PULL...
I'D PULL OUT A HAND OF DUST.
659
00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:38,352
AND I WOULD JUST GO...
[blows into microphone]
660
00:24:38,353 --> 00:24:41,479
[laughter]
661
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,981
"DO YOU HAVE
A CVS CARD?"
662
00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:46,986
[laughter and applause]
663
00:24:55,786 --> 00:24:57,120
I LOVE WALKING
AROUND PHARMACIES.
664
00:24:57,121 --> 00:24:58,872
I LOVE DOING THAT.
665
00:24:58,873 --> 00:25:00,332
I CAN'T... I CAN'T GO TO
A PHARMACY AND NOT SPEND MONEY.
666
00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:01,833
ONE OF THE PRODUCTS
THAT CREEPS ME OUT...
667
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:03,710
THEY HAVE A PRODUCT
AT EVERY PHARMACY
668
00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:06,880
CALLED "K-Y INTENSE."
669
00:25:06,881 --> 00:25:08,631
YOU SEEN THE COMMERCIALS
FOR THIS THING?
670
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,259
THE COMMERCIAL FOR...
FIRST OF ALL,
671
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:12,928
THE COMMERCIAL FOR K-Y INTENSE
IS SUPER OFFENSIVE.
672
00:25:12,929 --> 00:25:13,970
AND WE WILL TALK
ABOUT THAT.
673
00:25:13,971 --> 00:25:15,264
IN THE C...
FIRST OF ALL,
674
00:25:15,265 --> 00:25:17,057
IF YOU'VE EVER USED
K-Y INTENSE,
675
00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:19,476
YOU KNOW THAT IT'S INTENSE
BECAUSE IT BURNS.
676
00:25:19,477 --> 00:25:20,936
[laughter]
677
00:25:20,937 --> 00:25:22,354
I WILL VOLUNTEER THAT.
678
00:25:22,355 --> 00:25:23,563
I ACCIDENTALLY USED IT
ONE TIME THINKING, LIKE,
679
00:25:23,564 --> 00:25:24,940
"THIS IS GONNA
BE MAGICAL."
680
00:25:24,941 --> 00:25:26,275
AND IT BURNED.
681
00:25:26,276 --> 00:25:28,193
AND I PROMISE YOU
GIRLS DON'T WANT THAT.
682
00:25:28,194 --> 00:25:29,361
IN MY LIFE,
I'VE NEVER BEEN, LIKE,
683
00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,113
"MAN, THAT SEX
WAS AWESOME.
684
00:25:31,114 --> 00:25:33,073
"BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED
TO FEEL, LIKE, RIGHT AFTER?
685
00:25:33,074 --> 00:25:36,911
FIRE."
[laughter]
686
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:39,871
OF COURSE,
THEY DON'T BILL IT
687
00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,831
AS A BURNING SENSATION
ON TV.
688
00:25:41,832 --> 00:25:42,958
THEY CALL IT
"A TINGLING SENSATION."
689
00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:44,334
[laughter]
690
00:25:44,335 --> 00:25:45,668
AND THEY TRY TO, LIKE, TALK
TO THE GIRLS.
691
00:25:45,669 --> 00:25:47,129
THEY'RE LIKE,
"LADIES, DO YOU WANT
692
00:25:47,130 --> 00:25:48,671
"MORE PLEASURE
OUT OF YOUR THREE MINUTES?
693
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:50,048
DO YOU WANT THAT?
OKAY."
694
00:25:50,049 --> 00:25:51,674
[laughter]
695
00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:53,260
"WELL, K-Y INTENSE
IS GREAT
696
00:25:53,261 --> 00:25:55,220
"'CAUSE IT'S A TINGLING
SENSATION FOR HER
697
00:25:55,221 --> 00:25:56,513
"AND HE GETS TO USE
HIS PENIS.
698
00:25:56,514 --> 00:26:00,309
SO EVERYBODY WINS."
699
00:26:00,310 --> 00:26:02,102
BUT EVEN IF IT...
EVEN IF IT WAS
700
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:04,480
A TINGLING SENSATION,
WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY
701
00:26:04,481 --> 00:26:06,398
PRECONDITIONED TO NOT
WANT TINGLING.
702
00:26:06,399 --> 00:26:08,150
WE DON'T
LIKE TINGLING.
703
00:26:08,151 --> 00:26:10,652
WE KNOW THAT TINGLING, IT MEANS
A BAD THING IS HAPPENING.
704
00:26:10,653 --> 00:26:12,737
"HEY, EVERYONE, GRANDMA SAYS
HER ARM IS TINGLING."
705
00:26:12,738 --> 00:26:14,656
"OH, SHE MUST BE HAVING
AN ORGASM."
706
00:26:14,657 --> 00:26:18,327
[laughter and applause]
707
00:26:18,328 --> 00:26:19,619
"YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUSH HER
TO THE HOSPITAL.
708
00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:20,954
"SHE'S LAYING ON THE GROUND
709
00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:22,289
"WITH HER EYES ROLLED BACK
IN HER HEAD.
710
00:26:22,290 --> 00:26:25,167
SHE'S CLEARLY
ENJOYING HERSELF."
711
00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:27,919
TINGLING.
IT'S HORRIBLE.
712
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:29,254
YOU EVER HIT YOUR FUNNY BONE
AND BEEN, LIKE...
713
00:26:29,255 --> 00:26:30,380
[mimics thudding]
"AHH."
714
00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:32,508
[laughter]
715
00:26:32,509 --> 00:26:35,844
THE COMMERCIAL IS AWFUL
BECAUSE IT'S TWO BRITISH PEOPLE.
716
00:26:35,845 --> 00:26:38,555
AND THEY'RE SITTING THERE
HAVING BREAKFAST.
717
00:26:38,556 --> 00:26:40,015
AND THEY'RE DISCUSSING
ALL THE SEX
718
00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:42,309
THAT THEY HAD
THE NIGHT BEFORE...
719
00:26:42,310 --> 00:26:43,560
[laughter]
720
00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:45,270
'CAUSE THEY USED
THE K-Y INTENSE.
721
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:47,730
BUT BECAUSE THE BRITS ARE VERY
TACIT ABOUT SEXUAL THINGS,
722
00:26:47,731 --> 00:26:49,483
THEY'RE NOT COMING RIGHT OUT
AND DISCUSSING IT.
723
00:26:49,484 --> 00:26:50,692
THEY'RE SPEAKING
IN CODE.
724
00:26:50,693 --> 00:26:52,027
AND AT THE BOTTOM
OF THE SCREEN
725
00:26:52,028 --> 00:26:54,821
ARE THE SUBTITLES
IN AMERICAN
726
00:26:54,822 --> 00:26:56,490
SO WE CAN UNDERSTAND
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING.
727
00:26:56,491 --> 00:26:57,949
SO THEY'RE SITTING THERE,
AND THEY'RE EATING.
728
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,410
THEY'RE HAVING
THEIR... PORRIDGE.
729
00:27:00,411 --> 00:27:02,078
[laughter]
730
00:27:02,079 --> 00:27:04,414
THEY'RE EATING
THEIR CURDS AND WHEY.
731
00:27:04,415 --> 00:27:07,334
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BRITS EAT.
WE WON THE WAR, SO THERE.
732
00:27:07,335 --> 00:27:10,003
[cheering]
RIGHT?
733
00:27:10,004 --> 00:27:11,713
SO THEY'RE SITTING THERE.
AND THEY'RE EATING IT.
734
00:27:11,714 --> 00:27:14,967
AND IT'S JUST VERY QUIET.
AND THEY'RE JUST...
735
00:27:17,387 --> 00:27:21,223
[laughter]
736
00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:23,517
[laughter]
737
00:27:23,518 --> 00:27:26,686
[laughter]
738
00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:29,147
[laughter]
TEETH OUT TO HERE.
739
00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:32,235
[laughter]
740
00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:39,575
AND THE GIRL
LOOKS AT THE GUY.
741
00:27:39,576 --> 00:27:41,993
"WONDERFUL DESSERT
LAST NIGHT, SIRE."
742
00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:44,913
SHE DIDN'T SAY "SIRE."
743
00:27:44,914 --> 00:27:46,373
THEY DON'T TALK
LIKE THAT ANYMORE.
744
00:27:46,374 --> 00:27:50,210
SO SHE TALKS,
AND THERE'S SUBTITLES.
745
00:27:50,211 --> 00:27:51,836
"WONDERFUL DESSERT
LAST NIGHT."
746
00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,755
"HEY! WHAT'D YOU PUT
ON MY PUSS, NIGGA?"
747
00:27:53,756 --> 00:27:57,967
AND THEN THE GUY...
748
00:27:57,968 --> 00:27:59,177
RESPONDS IN KIND.
749
00:27:59,178 --> 00:28:01,096
HE'S LIKE,
"OH, YES, 'TWAS...
750
00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:02,180
"'TWAS A BIT
OF A NEW RECIPE.
751
00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:03,599
HOPED YOU LIKED IT."
752
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,642
"PUT SOME OF THAT K-Y SHIT
ON MY DICK, BITCH.
753
00:28:05,643 --> 00:28:07,477
HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?"
[mimics barking]
754
00:28:07,478 --> 00:28:11,022
[laughter and applause]
755
00:28:11,023 --> 00:28:12,815
AND THEN, THE GIRL IS,
LIKE, "OH, YES.
756
00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,068
'TWAS QUITE INVIGORATING.
DIDN'T EXPECT THAT ONE."
757
00:28:15,069 --> 00:28:16,653
"YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
WITH THAT SHIT?
758
00:28:16,654 --> 00:28:18,321
"WHAT'D YOU PUT?
ANTS ON YOUR DICK?
759
00:28:18,322 --> 00:28:20,031
IS THIS A JOKE?"
760
00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:21,699
"YOU WANT
TO FUCKING DIE, MOTHERFUCKER?
761
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:23,743
"YOU WANT TO END UP ON SNAP?
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU.
762
00:28:23,744 --> 00:28:25,078
THIS FUCKIN' HURT."
763
00:28:25,079 --> 00:28:28,582
THEN THE GUY, LIKE,
"OH, YES,
764
00:28:28,583 --> 00:28:29,999
"TRIED A SPIN
ON AN OLD RECIPE.
765
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:31,751
TRIED A DASH
OF NUTMEG."
766
00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,169
[laughter]
767
00:28:33,170 --> 00:28:34,630
AND THERE WERE
NO SUBTITLES FOR THAT
768
00:28:34,631 --> 00:28:36,298
BECAUSE I THINK
THEY FUCKING DO USE NUTMEG.
769
00:28:36,299 --> 00:28:37,840
AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
BURN SO MUCH.
770
00:28:37,841 --> 00:28:41,387
[laughter and applause]
771
00:28:43,097 --> 00:28:45,807
I KNOW A LOT ABOUT SEX
AND DATING.
772
00:28:45,808 --> 00:28:47,100
I KNOW A LOT
ABOUT DATING
773
00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:49,018
BECAUSE I WATCH
A LOT OF DATES.
774
00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:50,479
[laughter]
775
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,021
THAT SOUNDS CREEPY.
I HOST A DATING SHOW.
776
00:28:52,022 --> 00:28:54,149
SO I'VE LEARNED A LOT
ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN
777
00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:55,484
AND THEIR INTERACTIONS.
778
00:28:55,485 --> 00:28:57,402
AND ONE IMPORTANT THING
THAT I'VE LEARNED
779
00:28:57,403 --> 00:29:01,072
IS THAT WHEN YOU LIKE SOMEONE
AND YOU WANT TO IMPRESS THEM,
780
00:29:01,073 --> 00:29:02,282
WHAT DO YOU DO?
781
00:29:02,283 --> 00:29:04,409
YOU LIE.
782
00:29:04,410 --> 00:29:06,620
YOU HAVE TO,
BECAUSE IF PEOPLE KNEW
783
00:29:06,621 --> 00:29:08,079
HOW WEIRD YOU WERE
IN YOUR OFF TIME,
784
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:10,457
NO ONE WOULD HAVE YOU.
785
00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:12,375
A GUY SAYS TO YOU, "WHAT DO
YOU LIKE TO DO FOR FUN?"
786
00:29:12,376 --> 00:29:14,169
GIRLS, YOU CAN'T
BE HONEST.
787
00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:16,505
YOU CAN'T BE HONEST
ABOUT THAT SHIT.
788
00:29:16,506 --> 00:29:18,089
YOU CAN'T BE HONEST
ABOUT WHAT YOU WERE DOING
789
00:29:18,090 --> 00:29:20,258
10 MINUTES BEFORE YOU CAME
TO THE DOOR.
790
00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:21,551
YOU HAVE TO LIE.
791
00:29:21,552 --> 00:29:22,636
"WHAT DO YOU LIKE
TO DO FOR FUN?"
792
00:29:22,637 --> 00:29:23,928
YOU CAN'T TELL HIM.
793
00:29:23,929 --> 00:29:25,430
YOU CAN'T BE, LIKE,
"I REALLY ENJOY
794
00:29:25,431 --> 00:29:27,140
"CHOREOGRAPHING NAKED
CHEERLEADING ROUTINES
795
00:29:27,141 --> 00:29:28,558
"TO OLD BRITNEY SPEARS CDs.
796
00:29:28,559 --> 00:29:30,519
"AND THEN, I GOOGLE
A BUNCH OF HENTAI PORN,
797
00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:32,187
"MASTURBATE, DON'T WASH
MY HANDS,
798
00:29:32,188 --> 00:29:33,771
"FACEBOOK STALK MY EX-BOYFRIEND
AND HIS EX-GIRLFRIENDS,
799
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:35,649
"JOT DOWN THEIR PLACE OF
EMPLOYMENT FOR FUTURE REFERENCE.
800
00:29:35,650 --> 00:29:36,983
"AND THEN, I GO
BAKE SOME COOKIES.
801
00:29:36,984 --> 00:29:38,652
"AND THEN,
I MOUTH-KISS MY DOG
802
00:29:38,653 --> 00:29:39,986
AND PROMISE HER THAT ONE DAY
SHE'LL BE MY WIFE."
803
00:29:39,987 --> 00:29:42,197
YOU CAN'T SAY THAT.
804
00:29:42,198 --> 00:29:44,658
NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN,
A GUY ASKS A GIRL,
805
00:29:44,659 --> 00:29:45,992
"WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO
FOR FUN?"
806
00:29:45,993 --> 00:29:48,411
THE GIRL'S ANSWER
WILL BE, "HIKING."
807
00:29:48,412 --> 00:29:52,166
[laughter]
808
00:29:53,959 --> 00:29:55,293
"I LOVE HIKING.
I DO.
809
00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:57,086
I DO... DON'T I?
I DO. I LOVE HIKING."
810
00:29:57,087 --> 00:29:58,547
[laughter]
811
00:29:58,548 --> 00:29:59,881
"I DO, HIKING'S..."
[mimics baaing]
812
00:29:59,882 --> 00:30:00,841
"I LOVE HIKING."
813
00:30:00,842 --> 00:30:03,635
[laughter]
814
00:30:03,636 --> 00:30:05,136
"I DO. I LOVE IT.
I LOVE HIKING."
815
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:06,846
"NO, YOU DON'T.
STOP LYING.
816
00:30:06,847 --> 00:30:08,682
"YOU DON'T LIKE... REALLY, STACY?
YOU LIKE HIKING?
817
00:30:08,683 --> 00:30:10,933
"WHERE ARE YOUR TRAIL SPIKES?
WHERE'S YOUR WALKING STICK?
818
00:30:10,934 --> 00:30:13,353
WHERE'S YOUR LESBIAN
MOUNTAIN PARTNER?"
819
00:30:13,354 --> 00:30:14,604
[laughter]
820
00:30:14,605 --> 00:30:15,897
YOU DON'T LIKE HIKING.
821
00:30:15,898 --> 00:30:17,733
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT HIKING IS.
822
00:30:17,734 --> 00:30:20,443
MOST MODERN GIRLS DON'T REALLY
KNOW WHAT HIKING IS, OKAY?
823
00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:22,028
TO THE AVERAGE GIRL,
HIKING IS
824
00:30:22,029 --> 00:30:23,446
YOU WAKE UP
WHENEVER YOU WANT,
825
00:30:23,447 --> 00:30:25,114
YOU PUT ON
LULULEMON YOGA PANTS
826
00:30:25,115 --> 00:30:27,283
'CAUSE THEY MAKE YOUR BUTT
LOOK UNREASONABLY GOOD
827
00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:30,579
AS THEY SHOULD
FOR 800 FUCKING DOLLARS.
828
00:30:30,580 --> 00:30:32,121
AND YOU GO FOR A WALK
IN THE PARK
829
00:30:32,122 --> 00:30:33,248
WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND
AND COMPLAIN
830
00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:34,624
ABOUT HOW HUNG OVER
YOU ARE.
831
00:30:34,625 --> 00:30:38,795
THAT'S HIKING.
[laughter and applause]
832
00:30:38,796 --> 00:30:41,506
YEAH.
I DO IT TOO.
833
00:30:41,507 --> 00:30:42,924
PROMISE YOU THIS, GIRLS.
834
00:30:42,925 --> 00:30:44,801
IT'S NOT A SPORT
IF YOU CAN DRINK A STARBUCKS
835
00:30:44,802 --> 00:30:47,220
AND HAVE A PITA
WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT.
836
00:30:47,221 --> 00:30:48,263
"DO YOU WANT
A PIECE OF PITA?"
837
00:30:48,264 --> 00:30:50,640
[groans]
"I'M HIKING."
838
00:30:50,641 --> 00:30:52,016
BUT THERE'S A METHOD
TO OUR MADNESS.
839
00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:54,185
THERE'S A REASON WOMEN
SAY "HIKING."
840
00:30:54,186 --> 00:30:57,480
WE SAY HIKING BECAUSE WE THINK
GUYS LIKE HIKING.
841
00:30:57,481 --> 00:30:58,815
THAT'S WHY
WE'RE DOING IT.
842
00:30:58,816 --> 00:31:00,149
BE OUTSIDE
WHERE THE BUGS ARE?
843
00:31:00,150 --> 00:31:02,068
NO!
WE THINK YOU LIKE THAT.
844
00:31:02,069 --> 00:31:04,446
WE'RE TAUGHT TO BELIEVE
THAT MEN ARE OUTDOORSY,
845
00:31:04,447 --> 00:31:06,322
AND RUGGED,
AND THEY LIKE NATURE.
846
00:31:06,323 --> 00:31:08,032
AS FAR
AS WE'RE CONCERNED,
847
00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:11,620
YOU'RE THE CLOSEST THING
WE KNOW TO A BEAR.
848
00:31:11,621 --> 00:31:13,663
[laughter]
849
00:31:13,664 --> 00:31:15,081
SO WE SAY HIKING,
HOPING TO HAVE
850
00:31:15,082 --> 00:31:16,165
SOMETHING IN COMMON
WITH YOU.
851
00:31:16,166 --> 00:31:17,709
WE HONESTLY
SAY "HIKING"
852
00:31:17,710 --> 00:31:19,628
HOPING THAT YOU'LL BE,
LIKE, "YOU LIKE HIKING?
853
00:31:19,629 --> 00:31:24,633
I LIKE HIKING.
MARRY ME."
854
00:31:24,634 --> 00:31:26,175
IT'S THE EASIEST THING
YOU CAN SAY THAT YOU DO.
855
00:31:26,176 --> 00:31:28,094
IT'S ONE OF THE ONLY
OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES
856
00:31:28,095 --> 00:31:30,388
THAT YOU CAN LIE
AND SAY THAT YOU DO IT
857
00:31:30,389 --> 00:31:32,223
HAVING NEVER
DONE IT BEFORE,
858
00:31:32,224 --> 00:31:36,352
AND THEN DO IT AND PULL IT OFF
BECAUSE IT'S WALKING.
859
00:31:36,353 --> 00:31:38,020
YOU CAN'T PULL
THAT OFF,
860
00:31:38,021 --> 00:31:40,774
YOU SHOULDN'T BE MATING
WITH ANYONE.
861
00:31:40,775 --> 00:31:42,317
YOU CA...
MOST OUTDOOR ACTIVITIES
862
00:31:42,318 --> 00:31:44,026
REQUIRE A DECENT AMOUNT
OF SKILL.
863
00:31:44,027 --> 00:31:46,571
FOR EXAMPLE, YOU CAN'T SAY
YOU LIKE ROCK CLIMBING
864
00:31:46,572 --> 00:31:48,782
IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN
ROCK CLIMBING.
865
00:31:48,783 --> 00:31:51,117
I MEAN, YOU CAN,
BUT I PROMISE YOU THIS.
866
00:31:51,118 --> 00:31:54,871
YOU'RE GONNA GO.
YOU'RE GONNA SLIP.
867
00:31:54,872 --> 00:31:57,749
YOU'RE GONNA GET YOUR HAND
CAUGHT IN A ROCK.
868
00:31:57,750 --> 00:32:01,587
127 HOURS LATER...
[laughter and applause]
869
00:32:06,509 --> 00:32:08,134
STUMP'S NOT GETTING YOU
A SECOND DATE.
870
00:32:08,135 --> 00:32:09,969
I PROMISE YOU THAT.
871
00:32:09,970 --> 00:32:11,638
I DON'T KNOW IF GIRLS
WANNA HEAR THIS,
872
00:32:11,639 --> 00:32:13,598
BUT THE TRUTH IS
90% OF THE ACTIVITIES
873
00:32:13,599 --> 00:32:15,057
THAT WOMEN ENGAGE IN
874
00:32:15,058 --> 00:32:17,519
REVOLVE AROUND GETTING
A GUY'S ATTENTION, OKAY?
875
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:19,646
AND IT'S JUST THE WAY
WE'RE BUILT BIOLOGICALLY.
876
00:32:19,647 --> 00:32:21,147
THIS IS JUST
SOMETHING WE DO.
877
00:32:21,148 --> 00:32:22,607
WE LOVE TO GET
YOUR ATTENTION.
878
00:32:22,608 --> 00:32:24,233
IT'S PART OF THE SPORT OF IT,
ALL RIGHT?
879
00:32:24,234 --> 00:32:25,943
YOU THINK
I GO TO A SPORTS BAR
880
00:32:25,944 --> 00:32:27,362
BECAUSE I LIKE WARM BEER
AND STICKY BARSTOOLS?
881
00:32:27,363 --> 00:32:29,030
NO. I GO 'CAUSE THERE'S
GUYS THERE.
882
00:32:29,031 --> 00:32:30,406
YOU THINK I DO A PUB CRAWL
EVERY YEAR
883
00:32:30,407 --> 00:32:31,783
'CAUSE I LIKE IT
WHEN MY LIVER HURTS?
884
00:32:31,784 --> 00:32:33,493
NO! I GO 'CAUSE THERE'S
GUYS THERE.
885
00:32:33,494 --> 00:32:34,661
WE DON'T WEAR HEELS
FOR OUR CIRCULATION.
886
00:32:34,662 --> 00:32:36,245
WE DO IT
TO PROP UP OUR BUTT
887
00:32:36,246 --> 00:32:37,789
SO YOU'LL LOOK AT ME
AND WANT TO MATE WITH ME.
888
00:32:37,790 --> 00:32:39,165
THAT'S WHY WE DO IT.
889
00:32:39,166 --> 00:32:40,792
THIS ISN'T A FUCKING GAME,
ALL RIGHT?
890
00:32:40,793 --> 00:32:42,460
THIS ISN'T A PUSH-UP BRA.
IT'S BODY ARMOR.
891
00:32:42,461 --> 00:32:43,837
AND THIS AIN'T
MAKEUP, SWEETHEART.
892
00:32:43,838 --> 00:32:46,130
IT'S WAR PAINT.
LET'S MAKE A BABY.
893
00:32:46,131 --> 00:32:49,968
[cheers and applause]
894
00:32:55,182 --> 00:32:58,017
GIRLS KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
895
00:32:58,018 --> 00:32:59,895
WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU LIKE,
WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE.
896
00:32:59,896 --> 00:33:01,646
WE DO OUR RESEARCH
WHEN WE LIKE A GUY.
897
00:33:01,647 --> 00:33:04,065
AND BY RESEARCH,
I MEAN WE FACEBOOK STALK YOU.
898
00:33:04,066 --> 00:33:05,817
WE DO IT.
899
00:33:05,818 --> 00:33:07,109
I KNOW
YOUR FAVORITE FOODS.
900
00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:08,611
I KNOW
WHERE YOU WENT ON VACATION.
901
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:10,530
I KNOW THAT YOUR FAVORITE TEAM
IS THE COWBOYS.
902
00:33:10,531 --> 00:33:12,407
I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT.
I'M TOTALLY INTO YOU.
903
00:33:12,408 --> 00:33:13,867
THAT'S RIGHT.
904
00:33:13,868 --> 00:33:15,744
THEY SAY MEN ARE HUNTERS
AND WOMEN ARE GATHERERS.
905
00:33:15,745 --> 00:33:17,746
WELL, KIND OF.
WOMEN ARE GATHERERS.
906
00:33:17,747 --> 00:33:19,497
WE LIKE TO GATHER INFORMATION
ABOUT YOU.
907
00:33:19,498 --> 00:33:22,250
AND THEN WE HUNT YOU.
908
00:33:22,251 --> 00:33:24,126
YOU THINK WHEN I BRING YOU HOME
TO MEET MOM ON CHRISTMAS
909
00:33:24,127 --> 00:33:25,962
IT'S 'CAUSE I WANT HER
TO MEET YOU?
910
00:33:25,963 --> 00:33:28,882
NO, IT'S SO I CAN BE, LIKE,
"MOM, LOOK WHAT I CAUGHT."
911
00:33:28,883 --> 00:33:31,634
[laughter and applause]
912
00:33:31,635 --> 00:33:33,428
WE HAVE TO, BECAUSE GUYS
ARE KIND OF PASSIVE
913
00:33:33,429 --> 00:33:35,012
WHEN IT COMES
TO MEETING WOMEN.
914
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:36,848
SURE, THEY GO OUT.
BUT GIRLS MAKE A SPORT OF IT.
915
00:33:36,849 --> 00:33:38,266
MY GUY FRIENDS
DON'T CARE.
916
00:33:38,267 --> 00:33:39,684
IF THEY HAD THEIR WAY,
THEY'D SPEND
917
00:33:39,685 --> 00:33:41,477
EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT
WITH EACH OTHER...
918
00:33:41,478 --> 00:33:43,646
WHICH IS WEIRD...
WATCHING "1000 WAYS TO DIE,"
919
00:33:43,647 --> 00:33:45,481
EATING SANDWICHES,
RAGGING ON THEIR ONE FRIEND
920
00:33:45,482 --> 00:33:46,942
THAT HAS A HUGE NUT SACK
FOR NO REASON.
921
00:33:46,943 --> 00:33:49,485
LIKE, THAT'S WHAT
THEY WOULD DO.
922
00:33:49,486 --> 00:33:52,071
GOING OUT'S
VERY IMPORTANT.
923
00:33:52,072 --> 00:33:53,990
YOU GOT A REAL JOB, YOUR WEEKEND
IS VERY IMPORTANT TO YOU,
924
00:33:53,991 --> 00:33:55,867
BECAUSE A WEEKEND REPRESENTS
48 HOURS
925
00:33:55,868 --> 00:33:58,327
THAT YOU HAVE
TO FUCK UP THE LIFE
926
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,789
THAT YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR
ALL WEEK.
927
00:34:00,790 --> 00:34:05,501
[laughter and applause]
928
00:34:05,502 --> 00:34:06,753
THAT'S WHAT
YOUR WEEKEND IS.
929
00:34:06,754 --> 00:34:08,379
IF YOU'RE
A REAL PROFESSIONAL,
930
00:34:08,380 --> 00:34:11,883
YOUR WEEKEND STARTS THURSDAY
AT, LIKE, 5:00 P.M.
931
00:34:11,884 --> 00:34:13,468
RIGHT?
YOU GO TO HAPPY HOUR.
932
00:34:13,469 --> 00:34:14,636
HAPPY HOUR TRICKLES
INTO, LIKE, NIGHTTIME.
933
00:34:14,637 --> 00:34:16,345
YOU'RE DRINKING
A LITTLE BIT
934
00:34:16,346 --> 00:34:18,598
'CAUSE YOU CAN GO TO WORK
A LITTLE HUNG OVER, RIGHT?
935
00:34:18,599 --> 00:34:20,391
NO ONE'S DOING REAL WORK
ON FRIDAY.
936
00:34:20,392 --> 00:34:22,393
NOBODY'S WORKING
ON A FRIDAY.
937
00:34:22,394 --> 00:34:23,937
NOBODY'S WORKING ON A FRIDAY
'CAUSE IT'S WHAT?
938
00:34:23,938 --> 00:34:25,313
SHABBAT. NO.
939
00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:28,357
BECAUSE IT'S FRIDAY
AND NOBODY CARES.
940
00:34:28,358 --> 00:34:30,318
YOU EVER BEEN AT WORK, YOUR BOSS
IS NEVER GONNA BE, LIKE,
941
00:34:30,319 --> 00:34:32,361
"LET'S GET IN THOSE REPORTS
AND START BRAINSTORMING."
942
00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:33,863
YOU'RE, LIKE,
"OKAY, I'LL BE THERE."
943
00:34:33,864 --> 00:34:36,783
[chuckles]
944
00:34:36,784 --> 00:34:38,159
"OH, YOU WERE SERIOUS?
OKAY, LITTLE HAND JOB.
945
00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:39,410
I'LL BE AT MY DESK.
THAT'S FINE."
946
00:34:39,411 --> 00:34:42,664
[laughter]
947
00:34:42,665 --> 00:34:44,165
GIRLS TAKE GOING OUT
VERY SERIOUSLY
948
00:34:44,166 --> 00:34:46,001
'CAUSE THAT'S
OUR HUNTING GROUNDS.
949
00:34:46,002 --> 00:34:48,044
"GOING OUT.
LET'S DO IT."
950
00:34:48,045 --> 00:34:50,005
[laughter]
951
00:34:50,006 --> 00:34:52,465
"DO YOU WANT TO DO,
LIKE, A GIRLS' NIGHT?
952
00:34:52,466 --> 00:34:54,676
DO YOU WANNA
DO THAT?"
953
00:34:54,677 --> 00:34:56,260
EVERY WEEKEND, I GET CALLS
FROM MY GIRLFRIENDS.
954
00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:58,054
"DO YOU WANT TO DO,
LIKE, JUST GIRLS?
955
00:34:58,055 --> 00:35:00,222
"DO YOU WANT TO DO,
LIKE, A FUN GIRLS' NIGHT?
956
00:35:00,223 --> 00:35:01,808
ILIZA, I'M TALKING TO YOU.
ILIZA."
957
00:35:01,809 --> 00:35:02,934
[mimics baaing]
"DO YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
958
00:35:02,935 --> 00:35:04,101
[laughter]
959
00:35:04,102 --> 00:35:05,394
[mimics baaing]
"DO YOU WANNA DO,
960
00:35:05,395 --> 00:35:06,771
"LIKE, A GIRLS'...
WE'LL JUST DO...
961
00:35:06,772 --> 00:35:08,064
"OH, WE'LL ALL WEAR,
LIKE, FUN SHOES.
962
00:35:08,065 --> 00:35:09,774
"AND WE'LL ALL GET,
LIKE, APIS.
963
00:35:09,775 --> 00:35:10,859
AND THEN, WE'LL DO,
LIKE, A FUN GIRLS' NIGHT."
964
00:35:10,860 --> 00:35:11,985
"DO YOU WANNA
DO THAT?
965
00:35:11,986 --> 00:35:13,277
"I WANNA DO
A GIRLS' NIGHT.
966
00:35:13,278 --> 00:35:14,821
I MADE AN EVITE
FOR THE FOUR OF US."
967
00:35:14,822 --> 00:35:17,532
[laughter]
968
00:35:17,533 --> 00:35:18,825
"YOU DIDN'T ANSWER."
969
00:35:18,826 --> 00:35:20,326
"'CAUSE I'M STANDING
RIGHT HERE."
970
00:35:20,327 --> 00:35:22,745
"YOU'RE SUCH A BITCH."
971
00:35:22,746 --> 00:35:24,039
"LET'S DO A GIRLS' NIGHT.
LET'S DO JUST GIRLS.
972
00:35:24,040 --> 00:35:25,414
"NO BOYS.
973
00:35:25,415 --> 00:35:28,001
LET'S JUST ALL WEAR WEDGES
AND NO BOYS."
974
00:35:28,002 --> 00:35:30,211
[laughter]
975
00:35:30,212 --> 00:35:32,338
"LET'S NOT DO BOYS, JUST GIRLS.
JUST THE GIRLS."
976
00:35:32,339 --> 00:35:34,382
I'M LIKE, "WHY?
977
00:35:34,383 --> 00:35:37,093
WE HATE EACH OTHER."
978
00:35:37,094 --> 00:35:38,636
GIRLS HATE
EACH OTHER.
979
00:35:38,637 --> 00:35:41,056
ESP... SHE HATES YOU,
ESPECIALLY DURING THE DAY.
980
00:35:41,057 --> 00:35:42,891
[laughter]
981
00:35:42,892 --> 00:35:45,393
BUT WHEN THE MOON COMES UP
AND THERE'S WHITE WINE INVOLVED,
982
00:35:45,394 --> 00:35:49,355
"OH, MY GOD.
STACY, YOU LOOK AMAZING.
983
00:35:49,356 --> 00:35:51,900
I FUCKING LOVE YOU."
984
00:35:51,901 --> 00:35:53,192
AND YOU NOTICE
THE DRUNKER YOU GET,
985
00:35:53,193 --> 00:35:55,611
THE MORE SPANISH
YOU START SPEAKING?
986
00:35:55,612 --> 00:35:58,447
"OH, MY GOD.
MAMACITA, MUY CALIENTE.
987
00:35:58,448 --> 00:36:00,658
WHOO!"
988
00:36:00,659 --> 00:36:04,453
"FUCKING LOVE YOU, CHICA."
989
00:36:04,454 --> 00:36:06,330
BUT THE MORE LOVE YOU GIVE
TO ONE GIRLFRIEND,
990
00:36:06,331 --> 00:36:09,876
THE MORE LOVE YOU MUST TAKETH
AWAY FROM ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND.
991
00:36:09,877 --> 00:36:11,920
IT'S HOW WE KEEP BALANCE
IN THE GIRL UNIVERSE.
992
00:36:11,921 --> 00:36:14,380
"I LOVE YOU.
CAN I JUST TELL YOU?"
993
00:36:14,381 --> 00:36:16,925
[mimics baaing]
"I LOVE YOU, I DO.
994
00:36:16,926 --> 00:36:18,134
"BUT YOU KNOW WHO I HATE?
995
00:36:18,135 --> 00:36:23,514
[deep voice]
"BECKY.
996
00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:25,975
"SHE'S A BITCH."
997
00:36:25,976 --> 00:36:28,728
"NO, I HATE HER
EVEN THOUGH SHE DROVE ME HERE
998
00:36:28,729 --> 00:36:30,980
AND I'M WEARING
HER TOP."
999
00:36:30,981 --> 00:36:34,150
[laughter]
1000
00:36:34,151 --> 00:36:35,568
"CAN I JUST TELL YOU THAT?
1001
00:36:35,569 --> 00:36:36,903
"LIKE, FOR REAL,
LIKE, I HATE HER.
1002
00:36:36,904 --> 00:36:38,613
"WILL YOU NOT TELL HER?
DO YOU PROMISE?
1003
00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:40,823
"DO YOU... DO YOU PROM...
YOU WON'T TELL HER?
1004
00:36:40,824 --> 00:36:42,199
"DO YOU PINKY SWEAR?
1005
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,618
"DO YOU PINKY S...
DO YOU PINKY SWEAR?
1006
00:36:43,619 --> 00:36:44,744
"EVEN THOUGH
I'M A GROWN FUCKING WOMAN
1007
00:36:44,745 --> 00:36:46,287
"THAT PAYS TAXES
AND VOTES,
1008
00:36:46,288 --> 00:36:49,707
DO YOU WANNA PINKY SWEAR?"
[laughter and applause]
1009
00:36:49,708 --> 00:36:51,375
"THIS IS IRONCLAD.
DO YOU PINKY SWEAR?
1010
00:36:51,376 --> 00:36:52,961
"OKAY, COME HERE.
NO, HERE, TAKE MY HAND.
1011
00:36:52,962 --> 00:36:55,713
"I WANNA TALK TO YOU.
COME HERE.
1012
00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:58,049
"NO, LIKE, EARLIER, LIKE...
HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE.
1013
00:36:58,050 --> 00:37:00,009
"LIKE, EARLIER, SHE WAS JUST,
LIKE, BEING, LIKE, A BITCH.
1014
00:37:00,010 --> 00:37:01,636
"AND I WAS, LIKE,
'WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
1015
00:37:01,637 --> 00:37:03,763
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.'"
1016
00:37:03,764 --> 00:37:05,598
"NOW, SHE'S LIKE, 'WHY
ARE YOU BEING, LIKE, SO RUDE?
1017
00:37:05,599 --> 00:37:08,392
'AND, LIKE... WHAT, ARE YOU, LIKE,
BIPOLAR OR, LIKE, MANIC?
1018
00:37:08,393 --> 00:37:10,145
'LIKE I JUST FREELY USE
THESE PSYCHOLOGICAL TERMS
1019
00:37:10,146 --> 00:37:11,813
"CAUSE I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.'
1020
00:37:11,814 --> 00:37:14,398
"AND SHE WAS, LIKE, BEING,
LIKE... WAIT, WAIT.
1021
00:37:14,399 --> 00:37:16,233
"IS SHE LOOKING?
1022
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:17,860
"DID SHE HEAR ME TALKING
ABOUT HER?
1023
00:37:17,861 --> 00:37:20,362
"IS SHE... PRETEND LIKE WE'RE
NOT TALKING ABOUT HER.
1024
00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:22,615
[laughter]
1025
00:37:22,616 --> 00:37:23,825
"IS SHE GONE?
1026
00:37:23,826 --> 00:37:25,284
"NO, BUT,
LIKE, THAT'S THE THING.
1027
00:37:25,285 --> 00:37:26,786
"LIKE, EARLIER, SHE WAS JUST,
LIKE, BEING,
1028
00:37:26,787 --> 00:37:30,372
"LIKE, PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
AND, LIKE, CRAZY.
1029
00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:32,208
"AND, LIKE..."
[mimics baaing]
1030
00:37:32,209 --> 00:37:34,169
"AND I WAS JUST, LIKE..."
1031
00:37:34,170 --> 00:37:35,670
"SHE WAS JUST BEING,
LIKE, A FREAK.
1032
00:37:35,671 --> 00:37:37,379
"AND SHE WAS JUST,
LIKE, DISRESPECTING ME.
1033
00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:41,217
"AND, LIKE... NO, NO, LIKE,
WHEN YOU DO IT, IT'S FINE."
1034
00:37:41,218 --> 00:37:43,928
[laughter and applause]
1035
00:37:43,929 --> 00:37:45,847
"RIGHT?
1036
00:37:45,848 --> 00:37:49,892
BECAUSE WE GET EACH OTHER
'CAUSE WE'RE BOTH PISCES."
1037
00:37:49,893 --> 00:37:51,853
WHICH MEANS NOTHING.
1038
00:37:51,854 --> 00:37:53,229
"DO YOU WANNA DO THAT?
1039
00:37:53,230 --> 00:37:54,563
"DO YOU WANNA DO
A GIRLS NIGHT?
1040
00:37:54,564 --> 00:37:56,149
"FUCK YEAH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER?
1041
00:37:56,150 --> 00:37:57,942
"'US WEEKLY',
JENNIFER ANISTON, HANG OUT,
1042
00:37:57,943 --> 00:37:59,735
"'LOVE ACTUALLY, '
WATCH A MOVIE, BRAID OUR HAIR,
1043
00:37:59,736 --> 00:38:01,196
STIFF AS A BOARD, "LIGHT
AS A FEATHER, HAVE SOME CANDY,
1044
00:38:01,197 --> 00:38:02,780
"HAVE SOME CAKE,
HAVE SOME COOKIES,
1045
00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,281
"HAVE SOME BOX WINE,
HAVE SOME FUCKING MARTINIS,
1046
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:05,825
"AND A LOW-FAT PIZZA.
HAVE A GODDAMN MUFFIN,
1047
00:38:05,826 --> 00:38:07,493
"HAVE A PIECE OF CAKE,
HAVE A PIECE OF BROWNIE,
1048
00:38:07,494 --> 00:38:09,078
'FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.'"
"SOUNDS GREAT, CINDY.
1049
00:38:09,079 --> 00:38:10,705
"CAN'T WAIT TO BE SHIT-FACED
ON YOUR COUCH
1050
00:38:10,706 --> 00:38:12,456
"AT 2:00 A.M. WITH NO BOY
TO MAKE OUT WITH.
1051
00:38:12,457 --> 00:38:14,876
"YOU GOT 'GREY'S ANATOMY'
ON DVD? AWESOME.
1052
00:38:14,877 --> 00:38:18,130
"POP IT IN. LET'S LEZ OUT.
WHERE'S YOUR BROTHER?"
1053
00:38:24,636 --> 00:38:28,973
YEAH.
LET'S MAKE THAT HAPPEN.
1054
00:38:28,974 --> 00:38:30,683
TIRED OF FEELING
LIKE A SEXUAL DEVIANT
1055
00:38:30,684 --> 00:38:32,143
'CAUSE I JUST ENJOY
A LITTLE BIT
1056
00:38:32,144 --> 00:38:35,104
OF MOUTH-KISSING
WITH MY RED WINE, OKAY?
1057
00:38:35,105 --> 00:38:37,065
LOOK, THAT'S WHAT MOST GIRLS
WANT, BY THE WAY.
1058
00:38:37,066 --> 00:38:38,691
WE JUST WANNA MAKE OUT,
JUST A LITTLE BIT.
1059
00:38:38,692 --> 00:38:39,734
RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING
WHEN YOU FIRST MEET,
1060
00:38:39,735 --> 00:38:40,902
THEY WANT
TO MAKE OUT.
1061
00:38:40,903 --> 00:38:42,028
THAT'S WHAT
MOST GIRLS WANT.
1062
00:38:42,029 --> 00:38:43,529
"I WANNA DO
SOME FUN SHOES,
1063
00:38:43,530 --> 00:38:45,531
RED WINE, MAKE OUT,
WEINER TOUCH, GO TO BED."
1064
00:38:45,532 --> 00:38:47,408
THAT'S WHAT WE WANT...
1065
00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:48,701
WHEN YOU FIRST
MEET SOMEONE.
1066
00:38:48,702 --> 00:38:49,994
LOOK, LET'S NOT
GET CRAZY, RIGHT?
1067
00:38:49,995 --> 00:38:51,787
JUST MAKE OUT, AND...
[mimics snoring]
1068
00:38:51,788 --> 00:38:54,540
AND THEN THAT'S IT.
1069
00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:56,375
JUST REAL QUICK,
IN THAT ORDER.
1070
00:38:56,376 --> 00:38:57,835
YOU DON'T WANT
TO HAVE DRUNK SEX.
1071
00:38:57,836 --> 00:38:59,587
THAT'S A WHOLE MESS.
1072
00:38:59,588 --> 00:39:02,006
DRUNK SEX, THERE'S EMOTIONS,
ANKLE SPRAINS, PAPER WORK.
1073
00:39:02,007 --> 00:39:06,094
THERE'S, LIKE,
A WHOLE THING INVOLVED.
1074
00:39:06,095 --> 00:39:07,636
GIRLS LIKE MAKING OUT.
1075
00:39:07,637 --> 00:39:09,764
IT'S A SENTIMENT
ECHOED BY ALMOST ANY GIRL
1076
00:39:09,765 --> 00:39:11,348
IN ANY BAR
ON ANY NIGHT.
1077
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:12,725
YOU PICK ANY BAR
IN THE COUNTRY.
1078
00:39:12,726 --> 00:39:14,310
YOU FIND A GIRL,
SHE'S GONNA BE DRUNK,
1079
00:39:14,311 --> 00:39:15,686
FACE ON SIDEWAYS,
JUST, LIKE...
1080
00:39:15,687 --> 00:39:19,315
[grunts]
[laughter]
1081
00:39:19,316 --> 00:39:21,525
"I JUST WANT TO MAKE OUT
WITH A BOY.
1082
00:39:21,526 --> 00:39:23,069
"I JUST WANT TO MAKE OUT
WITH A BOY.
1083
00:39:23,070 --> 00:39:25,529
"I DO, I JUST WANT TO MAKE OUT
WITH SOME BOY.
1084
00:39:25,530 --> 00:39:28,074
THAT'S ALL I WANT."
[mimics baaing]
1085
00:39:28,075 --> 00:39:29,909
"I DO.
I'M PRETTY, RIGHT?"
1086
00:39:29,910 --> 00:39:31,994
[groans nervously]
1087
00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:36,083
"I JUST WANT..."
[laughter and applause]
1088
00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:45,507
"SAVED IT."
[laughter]
1089
00:39:45,508 --> 00:39:46,592
THAT'S WHAT YOU HEAR.
1090
00:39:46,593 --> 00:39:48,219
YOU RARELY HEAR
A GIRL TALK
1091
00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:49,762
ABOUT HAVING SEX
WITH A STRANGER.
1092
00:39:49,763 --> 00:39:51,430
I UNDERSTAND
IT HAPPENS.
1093
00:39:51,431 --> 00:39:52,807
I UNDERSTAND
THAT THERE'S ONE-NIGHT STANDS.
1094
00:39:52,808 --> 00:39:54,433
BUT RARELY DOES A GIRL
GO OUT
1095
00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:56,560
WITH THE INTENTION OF HAVING SEX
WITH A STRANGER.
1096
00:39:56,561 --> 00:39:58,146
RARELY DO YOU HEAR
A GIRL, LIKE,
1097
00:39:58,147 --> 00:40:01,023
"I JUST WANT TO, LIKE, GO OUT,
AND, LIKE, PARTY,
1098
00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:02,608
"AND, LIKE, MEET SOME DUDE,
AND GO HOME WITH HIM,
1099
00:40:02,609 --> 00:40:03,859
"AND THEN HAVE SEX WITH HIM,
AND THEN WAKE UP,
1100
00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:05,194
"AND REALIZE
I NEVER GOT HIS NAME.
1101
00:40:05,195 --> 00:40:06,279
"BUT HE'S ALREADY GONE
TO THE GYM.
1102
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:07,529
"SO I CAN'T ASK HIM.
1103
00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:08,990
"SO I GO OVER
TO HIS COFFEE TABLE,
1104
00:40:08,991 --> 00:40:10,116
"AND I FIND A PHONE BILL
WITH HIS NAME ON IT.
1105
00:40:10,117 --> 00:40:11,450
"AND I PUT IT
IN MY POCKET,
1106
00:40:11,451 --> 00:40:12,576
AND I GO HOME
WITH THE PHONE BILL."
1107
00:40:12,577 --> 00:40:14,036
[laughs]
1108
00:40:14,037 --> 00:40:16,038
"AND I GET HOME TO MY COMPUTER,
AND I TAKE IT OUT.
1109
00:40:16,039 --> 00:40:18,374
"I'M LIKE, 'BRIAN WILLIAMSON.
THAT'S A GENERIC FUCKING NAME.'
1110
00:40:18,375 --> 00:40:20,084
"SO I LOOK UP ALL 90,000
BRIAN WILLIAMSONS ON FACEBOOK
1111
00:40:20,085 --> 00:40:21,336
"UNTIL I FIND THE ONE
THAT RESEMBLES HIM.
1112
00:40:21,337 --> 00:40:22,419
"AND THEN,
I SEND HIM A MESSAGE.
1113
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:24,130
"BUT I HAVE
TO USE BAIT
1114
00:40:24,131 --> 00:40:25,714
"'CAUSE I HAVE TO MAKE SURE
HE'LL WRITE ME BACK.
1115
00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:27,258
"SO I'M LIKE,
'I THINK I'M PREGNANT.'
1116
00:40:27,259 --> 00:40:29,260
"HE WRITES BACK.
'J/K, MOTHER FUCKER.'
1117
00:40:29,261 --> 00:40:32,013
'BUT I GOT YOU NOW.'
1118
00:40:32,014 --> 00:40:34,140
"NOW, WE BEGIN
THE DANCE OF SEDUCTION.
1119
00:40:34,141 --> 00:40:36,017
"NOW, I SAY THINGS,
LIKE, 'I JUST WANNA BE FRIENDS.
1120
00:40:36,018 --> 00:40:37,601
'YOU WERE SUPER FUN
TO HAVE SEX WITH.
1121
00:40:37,602 --> 00:40:39,103
'LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS
AND HAVE SEX.
1122
00:40:39,104 --> 00:40:40,396
'FUCK A RELATIONSHIP
AND OXYTOCIN.
1123
00:40:40,397 --> 00:40:41,814
'I NEVER WANNA HAVE
A FAMILY.
1124
00:40:41,815 --> 00:40:43,524
LET'S JUST DO
WHAT YOU WANNA DO.'
1125
00:40:43,525 --> 00:40:45,943
HE'S INTO IT.
SO I GET YOUR NUMBER, RIGHT?
1126
00:40:45,944 --> 00:40:47,903
YOU HOLD ONTO THE NUMBER
UNTIL YOU HAVE AN OCCASION.
1127
00:40:47,904 --> 00:40:49,780
AND THEN,
IT'S LIKE ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
1128
00:40:49,781 --> 00:40:52,408
YOU SEND OUT A MASS TEXT,
BUT IT'S JUST TO ONE PERSON.
1129
00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:54,369
YOU EVER DO THAT?
1130
00:40:54,370 --> 00:40:59,374
ME NEITHER.
IT WAS JUST A JOKE.
1131
00:40:59,375 --> 00:41:00,791
IT'S THE BEST IDEA.
1132
00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:02,543
YOU FIND ONE GUY
THAT YOU LIKE.
1133
00:41:02,544 --> 00:41:04,253
AND YOU SEND OUT A TEXT
THAT'S, LIKE, "HEY, EVERYONE."
1134
00:41:04,254 --> 00:41:06,005
MAKE SURE YOU WRITE
"EVERYONE" IN CAPS
1135
00:41:06,006 --> 00:41:07,923
SO IT'S CLEAR THAT IT'S
FOR, LIKE, A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.
1136
00:41:07,924 --> 00:41:09,758
"HEY, EVERYONE, L-O-L."
[spits into microphone]
1137
00:41:09,759 --> 00:41:12,428
"WHATEVER, SMILEY FACE,
I'M GONNA HAVE A PARTY
1138
00:41:12,429 --> 00:41:14,263
"AT KELLY'S BAR
AT 9:00 P.M.
1139
00:41:14,264 --> 00:41:16,015
EVERYBODY SHOULD COME,
YOU GUYS."
1140
00:41:16,016 --> 00:41:17,392
TRIPLE "Z"
SO HE KNOWS
1141
00:41:17,393 --> 00:41:18,809
THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE
IN THIS TEXT.
1142
00:41:18,810 --> 00:41:19,977
"OKAY, SEE YOU LATER."
1143
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:21,354
AND THEN YOU BRING
YOUR ONE FRIEND
1144
00:41:21,355 --> 00:41:22,688
THAT HAS NO ISSUE
WITH YOU DITCHING HER.
1145
00:41:22,689 --> 00:41:23,898
YOU GO TO THE BAR,
AND YOU POST UP,
1146
00:41:23,899 --> 00:41:24,982
AND YOU WAIT
UNTIL HE GETS THERE.
1147
00:41:24,983 --> 00:41:26,401
HE SHOWS UP.
1148
00:41:26,402 --> 00:41:28,069
YOU'RE LIKE,
"I GUESS EVERYBODY PASSED OUT.
1149
00:41:28,070 --> 00:41:29,445
IT'S JUST US STANDING."
[groans]
1150
00:41:29,446 --> 00:41:30,988
AND THEN,
YOU MAKE OUT.
1151
00:41:30,989 --> 00:41:32,407
AND HE'S, LIKE,
"YOU SEEM LIKE A COOL CHICK."
1152
00:41:32,408 --> 00:41:33,532
YOU'RE, LIKE,
"I'M THE COOLEST CHICK.
1153
00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:35,034
I WANNA FUCKING
DO IT."
1154
00:41:35,035 --> 00:41:36,577
AND HE'S, LIKE, "LET'S GO OUT
TOMORROW NIGHT."
1155
00:41:36,578 --> 00:41:37,953
YOU'RE LIKE,
"YEAH, A SECOND DATE.
1156
00:41:37,954 --> 00:41:38,996
"IT ONLY TOOK ME
SIX FUCKING MONTHS.
1157
00:41:38,997 --> 00:41:40,706
YEAH."
1158
00:41:40,707 --> 00:41:42,666
SO NOW, YOU'RE EXCITED
'CAUSE YOU HAVE A SECOND DATE.
1159
00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:44,126
AND GIRLS LOVE GETTING READY
FOR DATES.
1160
00:41:44,127 --> 00:41:45,544
EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES US
A LITTLE NAUSEOUS
1161
00:41:45,545 --> 00:41:46,670
AND ALL WE WANNA DO
IS STAY HOME AND EAT,
1162
00:41:46,671 --> 00:41:48,256
WE LOVE SECOND DATES
1163
00:41:48,257 --> 00:41:49,382
'CAUSE YOU GOT TO GET READY
FOR YOUR SECOND DATE.
1164
00:41:49,383 --> 00:41:50,674
SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
1165
00:41:50,675 --> 00:41:52,301
YOU DO YOUR HAIR,
YOU DO YOUR MAKEUP,
1166
00:41:52,302 --> 00:41:55,347
YOU SHAVE YOUR BIG TOE.
1167
00:41:58,434 --> 00:41:59,892
YOU COME
TO PLAY, RIGHT?
1168
00:41:59,893 --> 00:42:01,269
GOTTA MAKE SURE
YOUR UNDERWEAR'S CUTE.
1169
00:42:01,270 --> 00:42:02,937
DON'T WANNA GO
TO VICTORIA'S SECRET
1170
00:42:02,938 --> 00:42:04,688
'CAUSE THAT'S A BIT TOO MUCH
OF A COMMITMENT.
1171
00:42:04,689 --> 00:42:07,691
SO WHERE DO YOU GO FOR A CHEAP
BRA THAT'S REALLY CUTE?
1172
00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:11,070
TARGET.
[laughter and applause]
1173
00:42:11,071 --> 00:42:12,280
THEY DON'T FIT,
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK IT.
1174
00:42:12,281 --> 00:42:13,864
"FOR $12.50,
I'LL WEAR A BRA
1175
00:42:13,865 --> 00:42:15,657
"MADE OF CEILING INSULATION
AND BARBED WIRE.
1176
00:42:15,658 --> 00:42:17,743
THAT'S FINE."
1177
00:42:17,744 --> 00:42:19,120
"IT DOESN'T FIT
THIS BOOB,
1178
00:42:19,121 --> 00:42:20,413
"AND IT MAKES THIS NIPPLE
FALL ASLEEP.
1179
00:42:20,414 --> 00:42:23,582
BUT FOR 12 BUCKS,
I'M GOOD."
1180
00:42:23,583 --> 00:42:25,626
YOU GET ALL EXCITED.
YOU PUT ON MAKEUP.
1181
00:42:25,627 --> 00:42:27,586
YOU PUT ON THE MAKEUP THAT
YOU'RE OKAY WITH SLEEPING IN.
1182
00:42:27,587 --> 00:42:29,380
ALL GIRLS HAVE
TO MAKE THIS DECISION
1183
00:42:29,381 --> 00:42:31,215
'CAUSE YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT
GONNA BE WASHING YOUR FACE
1184
00:42:31,216 --> 00:42:33,008
BECAUSE GIRLS ARE SO FUCKED UP
THAT WE THINK,
1185
00:42:33,009 --> 00:42:34,885
"I'D RATHER FALL ASLEEP,
GET NIGHT ZITS,
1186
00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:38,222
"AND WAKE UP LOOKING
LIKE A MELTED CLOWN
1187
00:42:38,223 --> 00:42:41,142
THAN EVER WASH MY FACE AND SHOW
HIM THAT I'M A HUMAN BEING."
1188
00:42:41,143 --> 00:42:42,893
SO YOU GO THERE.
YOU'RE ALL EXCITED.
1189
00:42:42,894 --> 00:42:44,437
YOU GET TO HIS HOUSE.
YOU GUYS START DRINKING.
1190
00:42:44,438 --> 00:42:46,897
YOU GET SO FUCKING WASTED
IN THE FIRST TWO HOURS
1191
00:42:46,898 --> 00:42:48,274
THAT YOU HAVE SEX
FOR THREE MINUTES
1192
00:42:48,275 --> 00:42:49,442
BEFORE HE GOES
COMPLETELY SOFT.
1193
00:42:49,443 --> 00:42:50,901
AND THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW,
1194
00:42:50,902 --> 00:42:52,611
YOU WAKE UP IN YOUR UNDERWEAR
ON HIS COUCH.
1195
00:42:52,612 --> 00:42:53,779
YOU LOOK OVER,
HE'S EATING NOODLES,
1196
00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:54,905
WATCHING "HARRY POTTER."
1197
00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:57,283
IS THIS RELATABLE
TO ANYONE ELSE?
1198
00:42:57,284 --> 00:43:00,328
[cheering]
1199
00:43:00,329 --> 00:43:02,371
POPULAR MISCONCEPTION
ABOUT GIRLS
1200
00:43:02,372 --> 00:43:04,665
IS THAT WE GET DRUNK
AND WE WANNA HAVE SEX.
1201
00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:06,208
HERE'S THE TRUTH.
1202
00:43:06,209 --> 00:43:08,461
WE DO.
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
1203
00:43:08,462 --> 00:43:10,963
NO.
1204
00:43:10,964 --> 00:43:14,300
WE DO FOR, LIKE, THE FIRST HOUR
OF BEING DRUNK, OKAY?
1205
00:43:14,301 --> 00:43:16,927
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE FIRST HOUR
OF BEING DRUNK
1206
00:43:16,928 --> 00:43:20,889
MOSTLY BECAUSE MANY OF YOU
ARE IN THAT HOUR RIGHT NOW.
1207
00:43:20,890 --> 00:43:23,725
I CALL IT
"THE WITCHING HOUR."
1208
00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:25,186
THE FIRST HOUR
OF BEING DRUNK
1209
00:43:25,187 --> 00:43:27,396
IS THE BEST HOUR
OF THE NIGHT
1210
00:43:27,397 --> 00:43:29,773
BECAUSE YOUR BUZZ
IS FRESH.
1211
00:43:29,774 --> 00:43:32,443
YOU'RE HAPPY.
YOU DON'T FEEL FAT.
1212
00:43:32,444 --> 00:43:36,197
YOU HAVEN'T CRIED YET.
1213
00:43:36,198 --> 00:43:37,532
YOU'RE STILL SOMEWHAT
OF THE SELF YOU WERE
1214
00:43:37,533 --> 00:43:39,033
WHEN YOU WERE SOBER.
1215
00:43:39,034 --> 00:43:41,536
YOU STILL COULD OSTENSIBLY
OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY
1216
00:43:41,537 --> 00:43:44,205
IF AN EMERGENCY
WERE TO ARISE, OKAY?
1217
00:43:44,206 --> 00:43:46,290
YOU'RE IN THAT BUZZ.
YOU'RE FEELING AWESOME.
1218
00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:48,083
YOUR SYNAPSES HAVEN'T BEEN
SOAKED IN ALCOHOL.
1219
00:43:48,084 --> 00:43:50,085
SO YOU'RE STILL ALERT.
YOU'RE FEELING AWESOME.
1220
00:43:50,086 --> 00:43:51,962
YOU WALK INTO THAT BAR
LIKE YOU OWN IT.
1221
00:43:51,963 --> 00:43:54,173
YOU FUCKING KICK THAT DOOR OPEN
EVEN THOUGH IT'S A PULL-IN DOOR.
1222
00:43:54,174 --> 00:43:55,591
YOU DON'T CARE.
YOU'RE JUST...
1223
00:43:55,592 --> 00:43:57,092
[mimics thudding]
WALK IN.
1224
00:43:57,093 --> 00:44:01,597
"LET'S DO SHOTS, BITCHES."
[mimics baaing]
1225
00:44:01,598 --> 00:44:02,848
YOU AND YOUR AWFUL FRIENDS
LINE UP AT THE BAR.
1226
00:44:02,849 --> 00:44:04,350
LIKE, "LET'S DO SHOTS."
1227
00:44:04,351 --> 00:44:06,394
YOU'RE DOING SHOTS
YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING.
1228
00:44:06,395 --> 00:44:09,397
"LET'S GET JAGERMEISTER,
GOLDSCHLAGER,
1229
00:44:09,398 --> 00:44:11,106
"RUMPLE MINZE,
AFTERSHOCK.
1230
00:44:11,107 --> 00:44:12,525
"DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING ELSE
1231
00:44:12,526 --> 00:44:14,943
THAT TASTES LIKE CHRISTMAS
AND VOMIT?"
1232
00:44:14,944 --> 00:44:17,989
[laughter and cheering]
1233
00:44:19,908 --> 00:44:21,576
YOU START DOING THEM.
YOU'RE LIKE, "FUCK IT.
1234
00:44:21,577 --> 00:44:23,494
"IT'S MY BACHELORETTE,
21ST BIRTHDAY,
1235
00:44:23,495 --> 00:44:25,580
"WEDDING EXTRAVAGANZA,
DONKEY PUNCH.
1236
00:44:25,581 --> 00:44:27,122
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS...
DO IT."
1237
00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:28,999
SHOT, SHOT.
[gags]
1238
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:31,793
"WHAT IS THAT, HAND SOAP?
BUBBLES. I DON'T CARE. AWESOME."
1239
00:44:31,794 --> 00:44:33,212
NOW, YOU'RE ON
THE DANCE FLOOR.
1240
00:44:33,213 --> 00:44:35,047
YOU'RE LIKE,
"THIS IS SO GOOD."
1241
00:44:35,048 --> 00:44:36,924
AND YOU'RE FEELING SO GOOD,
RIGHT? YOU'RE DANCING.
1242
00:44:36,925 --> 00:44:38,634
YOU'RE ALL EXCITED 'CAUSE
YOUR BUZZ HAS JUST HIT YOU.
1243
00:44:38,635 --> 00:44:39,927
YOU'RE LIKE, "THIS IS GREAT.
I FUCKING LOVE IT."
1244
00:44:39,928 --> 00:44:41,512
YOU'RE AMBITIOUS
ABOUT LIFE.
1245
00:44:41,513 --> 00:44:44,599
YOU EVER PLAN A WORKOUT
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK?
1246
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:47,518
WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK, YOU'RE, LIKE,
"THIS IS WHEN I GET IN SHAPE.
1247
00:44:47,519 --> 00:44:48,852
"THIS IS
WHERE IT STARTS.
1248
00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:50,062
GOING TO START TOMORROW."
1249
00:44:50,063 --> 00:44:51,188
YOU TRY TO DRAG YOUR FRIENDS
INTO IT.
1250
00:44:51,189 --> 00:44:53,399
YOU'RE LIKE,
"STACY! STA..."
1251
00:44:53,400 --> 00:44:54,650
[mimics baaing]
"STACY."
1252
00:44:54,651 --> 00:44:58,028
"DO YOU WANNA WORK OUT?
1253
00:44:58,029 --> 00:44:59,363
YOU DANCE LIKE AN ASSHOLE,
BY THE WAY.
1254
00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:01,198
I DON'T KNOW
WHO DANCES LIKE THIS.
1255
00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:02,824
"DO YOU WANNA WORK OUT,
LIKE, TOMORROW?
1256
00:45:02,825 --> 00:45:04,159
"DO YOU WANNA
DO THAT?
1257
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:05,244
"I'M GONNA GET UP EARLY
AND WORK OUT.
1258
00:45:05,245 --> 00:45:06,412
"DO YOU WANNA GO
WITH ME?
1259
00:45:06,413 --> 00:45:07,580
"DO YOU WANT TO GO
AT, LIKE, 6:00?
1260
00:45:07,581 --> 00:45:11,750
IT'S 5:00 NOW."
1261
00:45:11,751 --> 00:45:13,586
"DO YOU WANNA TAKE
A SPIN CLASS?"
1262
00:45:13,587 --> 00:45:15,212
"DO YOU WANNA SPIN?
1263
00:45:15,213 --> 00:45:17,214
"DO YOU WANNA..." [mimics baaing]
1264
00:45:17,215 --> 00:45:18,507
"DO YOU WANT...
YOU DON'T WANNA SPIN?
1265
00:45:18,508 --> 00:45:20,050
"YOU DON'T
WANNA GO SPINNING?
1266
00:45:20,051 --> 00:45:21,843
"YOU DON'T WANNA SIT
ON A STATIONARY BIKE
1267
00:45:21,844 --> 00:45:24,221
"AND TOLERATE GETTING POUNDED
IN THE RECTUM FOR AN HOUR
1268
00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:26,515
"WHILE SOME TWINKED-OUT
SPANDEX QUEEN YELLS AT YOU
1269
00:45:26,516 --> 00:45:29,143
"OVER A SHITTY REMIX OF U2'S
'IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY'
1270
00:45:29,144 --> 00:45:30,852
IN TOTAL DARKNESS?"
1271
00:45:30,853 --> 00:45:32,020
[laughter]
1272
00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:33,606
"YOU DON'T
WANNA DO THAT?"
1273
00:45:33,607 --> 00:45:35,524
SO YOU'RE FEELING GOOD
AND YOU'RE DANCING.
1274
00:45:35,525 --> 00:45:36,817
YOU'RE LIKE,
"I FEEL SO THIN.
1275
00:45:36,818 --> 00:45:38,152
"I'VE NEVER BEEN HOTTER
IN MY LIFE.
1276
00:45:38,153 --> 00:45:40,112
I FEEL SO GOOD."
AND THEN, IT HITS YOU.
1277
00:45:40,113 --> 00:45:43,407
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.
1278
00:45:43,408 --> 00:45:45,701
"I FEEL SO AWESOME
AND HAPPY.
1279
00:45:45,702 --> 00:45:47,786
"I WISH I COULD FEEL THIS WAY
ALL THE TIME.
1280
00:45:47,787 --> 00:45:50,956
I WISH I COULD FEEL THIS BUZZ
AND THIS HAPPY ALL THE TIME."
1281
00:45:50,957 --> 00:45:53,459
AND THAT'S
WHEN YOU REALIZE
1282
00:45:53,460 --> 00:45:57,546
THAT'S HOW
AN ALCOHOLIC THINKS.
1283
00:45:57,547 --> 00:45:59,340
BUT YOU'RE, LIKE, "SCREW IT.
I'M GONNA GIVE IT A SHOT.
1284
00:45:59,341 --> 00:46:02,635
I'M GONNA SEE JUST HOW FAR
I CAN PUSH BEING DRUNK."
1285
00:46:02,636 --> 00:46:04,219
SO YOU DECIDE
TO DO SHOTS.
1286
00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:06,388
AND YOU DECIDE,
"THESE SHOTS AREN'T GONNA GET ME
1287
00:46:06,389 --> 00:46:10,851
'CAUSE TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
I OUTSMART THE LIQUOR."
1288
00:46:10,852 --> 00:46:14,313
"NOT GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT
'CAUSE I'M GONNA DRINK WATER.
1289
00:46:14,314 --> 00:46:16,106
GOING TO DRINK A GLASS OF WATER
WITH EACH SHOT."
1290
00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:17,899
AND THIS IS
YOUR BRILLIANT IDEA.
1291
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:20,944
NO ONE IN THE THOUSANDS OF YEARS
OF PEOPLE IMBIBING ALCOHOL
1292
00:46:20,945 --> 00:46:22,029
HAS EVER THOUGHT
OF THIS.
1293
00:46:22,030 --> 00:46:23,780
THIS IS
YOUR NIGHT, EINSTEIN.
1294
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,824
IT'S YOUR BIG PLAN.
1295
00:46:25,825 --> 00:46:28,160
"I'M GONNA DO A SHOT
AND THEN HAVE A GLASS OF WATER,
1296
00:46:28,161 --> 00:46:29,911
"AND THEN A SHOT,
AND THEN A GLASS OF WATER.
1297
00:46:29,912 --> 00:46:31,706
"YOU CAN'T BUY ME A SHOT NOW,
BUT THANK YOU.
1298
00:46:31,707 --> 00:46:33,541
I'M JUST HAVING WATER."
[groans]
1299
00:46:33,542 --> 00:46:35,000
"I'M JUST HAVING..."
[groans]
1300
00:46:35,001 --> 00:46:37,336
"I'M JUST DRINKING WATER,
BUT THANK YOU."
1301
00:46:37,337 --> 00:46:39,421
SHOT AND WATER,
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T REALIZE
1302
00:46:39,422 --> 00:46:40,839
IS THAT FIVE SHOTS
IN AN HOUR
1303
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:44,760
IS STILL FIVE FUCKING SHOTS
IN AN HOUR.
1304
00:46:44,761 --> 00:46:47,471
YOU WENT AND DRANK ALL
THAT WATER LIKE A CRAZY CAMEL.
1305
00:46:47,472 --> 00:46:48,847
YEAH, GOOD JOB.
NOW, YOU'RE BLOATED.
1306
00:46:48,848 --> 00:46:51,058
AND YOU HAVE TO PEE.
WAY TO BE.
1307
00:46:51,059 --> 00:46:52,476
'CAUSE WHEN A GIRL'S
GOTTA PEE,
1308
00:46:52,477 --> 00:46:54,436
EVERYTHING HAS TO COME
TO A HALT.
1309
00:46:54,437 --> 00:46:55,771
EVERY GIRL'S
GOTTA GO WITH HER.
1310
00:46:55,772 --> 00:46:58,232
"I HAVE TO PEE.
DO YOU HAVE TO PEE?"
1311
00:46:58,233 --> 00:47:00,735
[mimics baaing]
1312
00:47:00,736 --> 00:47:04,988
"I CAN'T GO ALONE.
NO.
1313
00:47:04,989 --> 00:47:06,657
"WILL YOU STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME WITH ME?
1314
00:47:06,658 --> 00:47:08,367
"I HAVE TO PEE.
DO YOU HAVE TO PEE?
1315
00:47:08,368 --> 00:47:10,787
"I HAVE TO PEE.
I HAVE TO GO PEE."
1316
00:47:16,501 --> 00:47:18,627
CAN'T GO
IN THE BATHROOM ALONE.
1317
00:47:18,628 --> 00:47:21,213
YOU MIGHT NOT COME BACK.
1318
00:47:21,214 --> 00:47:22,798
'CAUSE NO GIRL'S
EVER BEEN
1319
00:47:22,799 --> 00:47:25,593
TO THE BATHROOM ALONE
AND SURVIVED.
1320
00:47:25,594 --> 00:47:27,595
IT'S TRUE.
1321
00:47:27,596 --> 00:47:29,638
THE LAST WOMAN
THAT ATTEMPTED IT,
1322
00:47:29,639 --> 00:47:32,266
IT WAS 1937...
1323
00:47:32,267 --> 00:47:35,644
AND HER NAME
WAS AMELIA EARHART.
1324
00:47:35,645 --> 00:47:38,690
[laughter and applause]
1325
00:47:42,402 --> 00:47:43,902
IT'S A BIG EVENT.
1326
00:47:43,903 --> 00:47:45,738
"I HAVE TO PEE.
COME ON. LET'S GO.
1327
00:47:45,739 --> 00:47:47,072
"EVERY GIRL, LET'S GO,
YOU GIRLS.
1328
00:47:47,073 --> 00:47:48,574
"COME ON.
I HAVE TO PEE, COME ON.
1329
00:47:48,575 --> 00:47:50,075
"TAKE MY HAND.
LET'S MAKE A CHAIN OF WHORES.
1330
00:47:50,076 --> 00:47:51,368
EVERYONE HOLDS HANDS."
1331
00:47:51,369 --> 00:47:52,953
AS THEY WALK
INTO THE BATHROOM.
1332
00:47:52,954 --> 00:47:55,664
FOR ME, WHEN I'M WALKING
THROUGH A CROWDED BAR,
1333
00:47:55,665 --> 00:47:58,166
THE AMOUNT OF AGGRESSION
I WILL DISPLAY
1334
00:47:58,167 --> 00:48:00,961
TOWARD THE OTHER BAR PATRONS
IS IN DIRECT CORRELATION
1335
00:48:00,962 --> 00:48:03,255
WITH HOW MANY BOYS
I'VE GOTTEN TO FLIRT WITH.
1336
00:48:03,256 --> 00:48:06,174
MEANING IF I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO TALK TO ANY CUTE GUYS,
1337
00:48:06,175 --> 00:48:07,968
MAMA'S GONNA BE
A LITTLE AGGRESSIVE
1338
00:48:07,969 --> 00:48:10,137
IN HER WALK
TO THE BATHROOM, OKAY?
1339
00:48:10,138 --> 00:48:12,055
GUYS, WHEN THEY GET DRUNK,
SOMETIMES PUNCH WALLS.
1340
00:48:12,056 --> 00:48:13,515
I LIKE TO MULE KICK OTHER GIRLS
IN THE SHIN.
1341
00:48:13,516 --> 00:48:15,100
IT'S TOTALLY FINE.
1342
00:48:15,101 --> 00:48:16,351
EVERY GIRL'S DONE THIS.
AND YOU KNOW WHY WE DO IT?
1343
00:48:16,352 --> 00:48:18,019
'CAUSE WE CAN GET AWAY
WITH IT.
1344
00:48:18,020 --> 00:48:19,647
YOU CAN KNOCK INTO A GIRL
AND THEN BE, LIKE, "OOPS.
1345
00:48:19,648 --> 00:48:21,273
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT."
[mimics baaing]
1346
00:48:21,274 --> 00:48:23,442
[laughter]
1347
00:48:23,443 --> 00:48:25,068
OUR SMILE
IS OUR JEDI MIND TRICK.
1348
00:48:25,069 --> 00:48:28,029
JUST, "THESE ARE NOT THE DROIDS
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR."
1349
00:48:28,030 --> 00:48:30,491
YOU EVER DO THAT?
1350
00:48:30,492 --> 00:48:32,117
YOU EVER JUST CHECK A GIRL
INTO THE BOARDS 'CAUSE YOU CAN?
1351
00:48:32,118 --> 00:48:33,619
YOU EVER JUST BEEN WALKING,
AND JUST BEEN, LIKE...
1352
00:48:33,620 --> 00:48:35,579
[mimics thudding]
"I LOVE YOUR SHOES. OOPS."
1353
00:48:35,580 --> 00:48:38,582
[laughter]
1354
00:48:38,583 --> 00:48:40,083
TAKES YOU FOREVER,
BUT YOU FINALLY GET THROUGH
1355
00:48:40,084 --> 00:48:41,209
THAT JUNGLE OF PEOPLE.
1356
00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:42,377
YOU GET TO THE BATHROOM.
1357
00:48:42,378 --> 00:48:44,045
FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT HAVEN'T BEEN
1358
00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:45,756
IN A WOMEN'S RESTROOM
LATE NIGHT,
1359
00:48:45,757 --> 00:48:48,091
A WOMEN'S RESTROOM
LATE NIGHT
1360
00:48:48,092 --> 00:48:50,761
LOOKS LIKE A SCENE OUT OF
"APOCALYPSE NOW."
1361
00:48:50,762 --> 00:48:52,304
[laughter]
1362
00:48:52,305 --> 00:48:54,682
THERE'S GUNFIRE,
EXPLOSIONS,
1363
00:48:54,683 --> 00:48:56,851
BLOOD EVERYWHERE,
CHILDREN,
1364
00:48:56,852 --> 00:48:59,520
A LOT OF VIETNAMESE MEN,
WHICH I NEVER QUITE UNDERSTOOD,
1365
00:48:59,521 --> 00:49:00,562
LIKE, WHY THEY'D BE THERE.
1366
00:49:00,563 --> 00:49:01,856
YOU'RE WITH YOUR BUDDIES
1367
00:49:01,857 --> 00:49:03,565
JUST TRYING
TO GET THROUGH EVERYTHING.
1368
00:49:03,566 --> 00:49:05,400
YOU GO PEE.
YOU GET TO THE SINK.
1369
00:49:05,401 --> 00:49:08,487
AND THEN, YOUR NIGHT COMES
TO A SCREECHING HALT
1370
00:49:08,488 --> 00:49:11,740
'CAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN, LIKE, FOUR HOURS,
1371
00:49:11,741 --> 00:49:13,784
YOU GET A LOOK AT YOURSELF
IN THE MIRROR.
1372
00:49:13,785 --> 00:49:16,830
[laughter and applause]
1373
00:49:18,790 --> 00:49:23,335
AND YOU SEE THE SWAMP WITCH
THAT YOU'VE BECOME.
1374
00:49:23,336 --> 00:49:26,839
[laughter]
1375
00:49:26,840 --> 00:49:28,799
TEN MINUTES AGO, YOU THOUGHT
YOU LOOKED LIKE HEIDI KLUM.
1376
00:49:28,800 --> 00:49:31,009
IT TURNS OUT
YOU LOOK LIKE SEAL.
1377
00:49:31,010 --> 00:49:34,055
[laughter and applause]
1378
00:49:39,018 --> 00:49:40,977
IT HITS YOU LIKE A TON OF BRICKS
OUT OF NOWHERE.
1379
00:49:40,978 --> 00:49:42,563
AND YOU DON'T KNOW
IT'S COMING.
1380
00:49:42,564 --> 00:49:43,898
YOU'RE SITTING THERE
TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS.
1381
00:49:43,899 --> 00:49:45,649
YOU'RE LIKE,
"THIS IS AWESOME.
1382
00:49:45,650 --> 00:49:50,028
"I'M GONNA BE YOUNG FOREVER.
THIS IS... [screams]"
1383
00:49:50,029 --> 00:49:52,865
"NO! WHAT?
WHAT IS THIS?
1384
00:49:52,866 --> 00:49:56,535
I WAS ONCE
A GREAT BEAUTY."
1385
00:49:56,536 --> 00:49:59,287
"NO.
1386
00:49:59,288 --> 00:50:01,790
WHAT IS THIS?"
[babbles indistinctly]
1387
00:50:01,791 --> 00:50:03,166
YOU GO TO TOUCH IT.
IT DISAPPEARS.
1388
00:50:03,167 --> 00:50:04,585
YOU'RE, LIKE...
[babbles indistinctly]
1389
00:50:04,586 --> 00:50:06,378
"IS IT A HOLOGRAM?
WHAT IS THAT?
1390
00:50:06,379 --> 00:50:07,504
I LOOK WEIRD."
1391
00:50:07,505 --> 00:50:09,423
ONE EYEBALL
HAS MIGRATED HERE.
1392
00:50:09,424 --> 00:50:10,799
[laughter]
1393
00:50:10,800 --> 00:50:13,385
YOU LOOK DOWN.
YOU'RE JUST LEAKING VODKA.
1394
00:50:13,386 --> 00:50:15,637
[laughter]
1395
00:50:15,638 --> 00:50:17,932
NOW, YOU DON'T WANNA HOOK UP
WITH ANYONE.
1396
00:50:17,933 --> 00:50:22,811
NOW, ALL YOU WANNA DO
IS EAT.
1397
00:50:22,812 --> 00:50:24,563
I'M A RED-BLOODED
AMERICAN GIRL.
1398
00:50:24,564 --> 00:50:26,607
ABSOLUTELY, WHEN I GET DRUNK,
I WOULD RATHER EAT
1399
00:50:26,608 --> 00:50:27,733
THAN HOOK UP WITH YOU.
1400
00:50:27,734 --> 00:50:30,485
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW.
1401
00:50:30,486 --> 00:50:32,696
GIVE YOU A HAND JOB
OR GO GET FRIES?
1402
00:50:32,697 --> 00:50:36,743
[laughter and applause]
1403
00:50:43,792 --> 00:50:45,542
BOTH ARE SALTY.
ONE WILL GIVE ME CARPAL TUNNEL.
1404
00:50:45,543 --> 00:50:48,712
I'LL GO WITH THE FRIES.
EVERY TIME.
1405
00:50:48,713 --> 00:50:51,172
[applause]
1406
00:50:51,173 --> 00:50:52,674
A POPULAR MISCONCEPTION
ABOUT GIRLS
1407
00:50:52,675 --> 00:50:53,801
IS THAT WE DON'T
LIKE TO EAT.
1408
00:50:53,802 --> 00:50:56,929
GIRLS LOVE TO EAT.
YEAH.
1409
00:50:56,930 --> 00:50:58,597
WE JUST DON'T LIKE TO EAT
IN FRONT OF A GUY THAT WE LIKE.
1410
00:50:58,598 --> 00:50:59,974
THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.
1411
00:50:59,975 --> 00:51:01,516
WHEN YOU FIRST MEET A GUY
THAT YOU LIKE,
1412
00:51:01,517 --> 00:51:03,310
YOU CAN'T EAT THE WAY
YOU WANT TO ON A DATE.
1413
00:51:03,311 --> 00:51:04,979
YOU CAN'T.
1414
00:51:04,980 --> 00:51:07,188
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT FOURTH PLATE
OF RIBS ON A DATE...
1415
00:51:07,189 --> 00:51:10,025
[laughter]
1416
00:51:10,026 --> 00:51:14,404
I FOUND OUT.
1417
00:51:14,405 --> 00:51:15,489
GOING ON A DATE,
SOCIETY DICTATES
1418
00:51:15,490 --> 00:51:16,615
THAT GUYS CAN DO
WHAT THEY WANT
1419
00:51:16,616 --> 00:51:17,908
AND WOMEN HAVE
TO BE DAINTY.
1420
00:51:17,909 --> 00:51:20,243
SO HE'S GONNA GET FRIES,
A BURGER,
1421
00:51:20,244 --> 00:51:23,204
HALF A GAZELLE,
WHATEVER HE WANTS TO EAT.
1422
00:51:23,205 --> 00:51:25,165
GIRLS, YOU GET THE MENU,
WHAT ARE YOU ORDERING?
1423
00:51:25,166 --> 00:51:27,501
All: SALAD.
- SALAD.
1424
00:51:27,502 --> 00:51:34,132
LIKE HOT LITTLE ROBOTS.
SALAD.
1425
00:51:34,133 --> 00:51:36,010
AND IT'S
AN EXCRUCIATING EXPERIENCE
1426
00:51:36,011 --> 00:51:37,552
'CAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO JUST
LOOK PRETTY THE WHOLE TIME.
1427
00:51:37,553 --> 00:51:38,804
HE'S SITTING THERE
ENJOYING HIS BURGER.
1428
00:51:38,805 --> 00:51:40,305
YOU'RE EATING
YOUR LETTUCE.
1429
00:51:40,306 --> 00:51:41,556
YOU'RE JUST SITTING THERE
GOING, "UGH."
1430
00:51:41,557 --> 00:51:43,350
YOU'VE ABANDONED
THE UTENSILS.
1431
00:51:43,351 --> 00:51:45,393
YOU ORDERED, LIKE, A KOALA.
YOU MAY AS WELL EAT LIKE ONE.
1432
00:51:45,394 --> 00:51:46,478
YOU'RE JUST, LIKE... [groans]
1433
00:51:46,479 --> 00:51:49,565
[laughter]
1434
00:51:53,528 --> 00:51:55,195
HE'S TALKING.
1435
00:51:55,196 --> 00:51:56,822
YOU CAN'T FOCUS
'CAUSE YOU'RE STARVING, RIGHT?
1436
00:51:56,823 --> 00:51:58,323
HE'S YAPPING.
YOU'RE JUST, LIKE... [growls]
1437
00:51:58,324 --> 00:51:59,741
YOU FINISHED YOUR LETTUCE.
1438
00:51:59,742 --> 00:52:01,284
THERE'S NO MORE WATERCRESS
ON THE PLATE.
1439
00:52:01,285 --> 00:52:02,661
YOU'RE JUST... [groans]
YOU PULL ONE...
1440
00:52:02,662 --> 00:52:04,079
YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIS FOOD.
1441
00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:05,288
YOU'RE, LIKE,
"WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE?
1442
00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:06,957
FRY."
[growls]
1443
00:52:06,958 --> 00:52:09,668
TALKING, TALKING. YOU CAN'T
FOCUS. YOU CAN'T FOCUS.
1444
00:52:09,669 --> 00:52:11,419
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY
NUTRIENTS TO YOUR BRAIN.
1445
00:52:11,420 --> 00:52:13,463
YOU'RE JUST KIND OF STARING OUT
THE WINDOW,
1446
00:52:13,464 --> 00:52:15,007
WONDERING WHAT BIRDS
TASTE LIKE.
1447
00:52:15,008 --> 00:52:17,258
YOU'RE JUST, LIKE... [pants]
1448
00:52:17,259 --> 00:52:19,344
YOU FINISHED YOUR LEMON WEDGE,
LIKE, AN HOUR AGO.
1449
00:52:19,345 --> 00:52:20,971
HE'S STILL EATING.
HE'S STILL TALKING.
1450
00:52:20,972 --> 00:52:22,723
AND YOU'RE... YOU'RE STARTING
TO GET COLD NOW.
1451
00:52:22,724 --> 00:52:24,808
YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY NUTRITION
INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM.
1452
00:52:24,809 --> 00:52:26,601
YOUR SPINE IS STICKING OUT.
YOU'RE SHIVERING.
1453
00:52:26,602 --> 00:52:28,186
YOU START...
YOU'RE LIKE A LOST PUPPY.
1454
00:52:28,187 --> 00:52:30,397
YOU START SAYING THINGS
THAT YOU DON'T MEAN.
1455
00:52:30,398 --> 00:52:32,232
HE'S YAPPING. YOU START
JUST SAYING THINGS, LIKE,
1456
00:52:32,233 --> 00:52:34,234
"I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND
THE AFTERNOON WITH YOUR MOTHER.
1457
00:52:34,235 --> 00:52:36,778
"THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
AND NO, I TOTALLY CARED
1458
00:52:36,779 --> 00:52:38,488
"ABOUT THAT WHOLE REPLACEMENT
REFS THING.
1459
00:52:38,489 --> 00:52:43,410
IT REALLY ROCKED MY WORLD
AS WELL."
1460
00:52:43,411 --> 00:52:44,703
ONCE YOU'RE
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
1461
00:52:44,704 --> 00:52:46,955
YOU CAN EAT THE WAY
YOU WANT TO.
1462
00:52:46,956 --> 00:52:49,083
ONCE HE LOVES YOU, YOU CAN ROLL
OUT A TROUGH AT MEALTIME.
1463
00:52:49,084 --> 00:52:50,458
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
1464
00:52:50,459 --> 00:52:51,835
YOU CAN PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND
YOUR BACK,
1465
00:52:51,836 --> 00:52:53,712
COUNTY FAIR
PIE-EATING-CONTEST-STYLE.
1466
00:52:53,713 --> 00:52:55,964
[growls]
1467
00:52:55,965 --> 00:52:57,549
"I LOVE YOU.
IS THAT THE HOUSE CAT?"
1468
00:52:57,550 --> 00:53:00,010
[mimics bone breaking]
[growls]
1469
00:53:00,011 --> 00:53:02,178
YEAH, YOU CAN LET IT ALL
HANG OUT WHEN HE LOVES YOU.
1470
00:53:02,179 --> 00:53:04,472
THEN, YOU CAN SHOW HIM
HOW YOU EAT.
1471
00:53:04,473 --> 00:53:06,307
ONCE YOU'RE IN LOVE,
YOU CAN SHOW HIM
1472
00:53:06,308 --> 00:53:09,686
THE 12-FOOT MAN-EATING LIZARD
YOU ACTUALLY ARE.
1473
00:53:09,687 --> 00:53:15,233
[screeches, mimics thudding]
1474
00:53:15,234 --> 00:53:19,405
[screeches]
[applause]
1475
00:53:22,700 --> 00:53:24,785
[screeches]
1476
00:53:24,786 --> 00:53:27,662
YOUR EYES LIGHT UP RED.
VWOOM, VWOOM.
1477
00:53:27,663 --> 00:53:30,707
[deep voice]
"LET'S GET CHEESECAKE."
1478
00:53:30,708 --> 00:53:32,626
"OH, COOL, SWEETHEART.
1479
00:53:32,627 --> 00:53:34,335
YOU WANNA SHARE
A PIECE OF CHEESECAKE?"
1480
00:53:34,336 --> 00:53:36,588
"UH-UH."
1481
00:53:36,589 --> 00:53:39,549
TAIL SWIPE.
[blows into microphone]
1482
00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:44,387
"GET YOUR OWN."
[groans and snorts]
1483
00:53:44,388 --> 00:53:47,891
[blows into microphone]
1484
00:53:47,892 --> 00:53:49,184
[groans]
1485
00:53:49,185 --> 00:53:50,936
"ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART.
DINNER'S OVER.
1486
00:53:50,937 --> 00:53:52,938
DID YOU GET ENOUGH TO EAT?"
I LOVE WHEN THEY ASK THAT
1487
00:53:52,939 --> 00:53:54,898
'CAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO GIVE THIS ANSWER.
1488
00:53:54,899 --> 00:53:57,692
"DID YOU GET ENOUGH
TO EAT?"
1489
00:53:57,693 --> 00:54:01,237
[laughter]
1490
00:54:01,238 --> 00:54:04,532
"UH-UH."
1491
00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:06,284
"WHY?
WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?"
1492
00:54:06,285 --> 00:54:08,369
"YOUR SOUL!
1493
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:12,500
FIRE!"
[laughter and applause]
1494
00:54:15,962 --> 00:54:19,756
[mimics thudding]
[blows into microphone]
1495
00:54:19,757 --> 00:54:22,217
CAN I ASK YOU...
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
1496
00:54:22,218 --> 00:54:24,011
[blows into microphone]
1497
00:54:24,012 --> 00:54:25,679
DOES THIS TAIL
MAKE MY BUTT LOOK BIG?
1498
00:54:25,680 --> 00:54:29,725
[laughter and applause]
1499
00:54:41,154 --> 00:54:43,363
GIRLS LOVE EATING.
WE DO.
1500
00:54:43,364 --> 00:54:44,823
WE WERE THE FIRST ONES
TO MAKE IT FUN.
1501
00:54:44,824 --> 00:54:46,407
HELLO? APPLE?
GARDEN OF EDEN.
1502
00:54:46,408 --> 00:54:48,160
MM-HMM.
1503
00:54:48,161 --> 00:54:49,870
GIRLS LOVE TO EAT.
1504
00:54:49,871 --> 00:54:52,039
I SAW A BACHELORETTE PARTY
TAKE DOWN A LIVE BUFFALO
1505
00:54:52,040 --> 00:54:53,832
AT 35 MILES AN HOUR
OFF THE FREEWAY.
1506
00:54:53,833 --> 00:54:55,792
IT WAS MAGNIFICENT.
1507
00:54:55,793 --> 00:54:57,211
THE GIRLS
RAN ALONGSIDE IT.
1508
00:54:57,212 --> 00:54:59,838
LIKE, "STACY PUT YOUR VEIL
OVER HIS SNOUT."
1509
00:54:59,839 --> 00:55:02,549
[laughter]
1510
00:55:02,550 --> 00:55:03,925
YOU EVER TRIED
TO GET A GROUP OF DRUNK GIRLS
1511
00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:08,013
TO WALK FROM A BAR
TO A RESTAURANT?
1512
00:55:08,014 --> 00:55:10,932
IT'S LIKE HERDING DRUNK,
RETARDED SHEEP.
1513
00:55:10,933 --> 00:55:12,642
[laughter]
1514
00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:14,728
FIRST OF ALL, YES,
I LOVE BEING A WOMAN.
1515
00:55:14,729 --> 00:55:16,437
WE'RE AMAZING.
I LOVE BEYONCE.
1516
00:55:16,438 --> 00:55:19,024
BUT WE HAVE NO IDEA
WHERE WE'RE GOING.
1517
00:55:19,025 --> 00:55:21,151
OKAY?
WE'RE WALKING AROUND.
1518
00:55:21,152 --> 00:55:23,486
ALL WE KNOW IS THAT WE GOT
LITTLE SHEEP HOOVES ON
1519
00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:27,241
AND WE'RE FREEZING
BECAUSE NO ONE BROUGHT A JACKET.
1520
00:55:27,242 --> 00:55:29,117
[mimics baaing]
1521
00:55:29,118 --> 00:55:30,577
JUST WALKING FOREVER, NO CLUE.
[mimics baaing]
1522
00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:31,953
"I'M COLD.
I'M COLD."
1523
00:55:31,954 --> 00:55:33,454
"WHY DIDN'T
YOU BRING A JACKET?"
1524
00:55:33,455 --> 00:55:35,665
"'CAUSE I'M IN MY 20s
AND I'M STUPID."
1525
00:55:35,666 --> 00:55:37,876
[mimics baaing]
1526
00:55:37,877 --> 00:55:39,086
[mimics baaing]
"I'M COLD."
1527
00:55:39,087 --> 00:55:40,545
"I HAVE TO PEE.
I'M COLD."
1528
00:55:40,546 --> 00:55:42,422
"I HAVE TO PEE.
I DON'T HAVE SOLUTIONS.
1529
00:55:42,423 --> 00:55:44,049
JUST MORE PROBLEMS."
[mimics baaing]
1530
00:55:44,050 --> 00:55:48,095
[laughter and applause]
[mimics baaing]
1531
00:55:48,096 --> 00:55:49,263
EVERYBODY'S GOT
THAT ONE GIRLFRIEND
1532
00:55:49,264 --> 00:55:50,680
THAT'S A LITTLE FILTHY.
1533
00:55:50,681 --> 00:55:53,641
SHE HAS NO ISSUE
WITH PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER.
1534
00:55:53,642 --> 00:55:55,435
IT HOLDS EVERYONE UP.
1535
00:55:55,436 --> 00:55:57,104
YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO WALK
AND SHE'S BACK THERE.
1536
00:55:57,105 --> 00:56:00,523
SHE'S, LIKE...
1537
00:56:00,524 --> 00:56:02,734
"YOU GUYS!"
1538
00:56:02,735 --> 00:56:03,818
[like a sheep]
"WA-A-A-AIT."
1539
00:56:03,819 --> 00:56:06,863
[laughter]
1540
00:56:06,864 --> 00:56:09,074
"WAIT, NO, MAKE SURE
NOBODY'S WATCHING."
1541
00:56:09,075 --> 00:56:10,408
[mimics baaing]
1542
00:56:10,409 --> 00:56:12,202
YOU'RE SITTING THERE
RUNNING INTERFERENCE
1543
00:56:12,203 --> 00:56:14,495
FOR YOUR FRIEND, LIKE,
"DON'T LOOK AT HER SHEEP VAGINA.
1544
00:56:14,496 --> 00:56:16,164
JUST MINE."
[mimics baaing]
1545
00:56:16,165 --> 00:56:17,999
I PROMISE YOU
NOBODY'S WATCHING.
1546
00:56:18,000 --> 00:56:19,334
I PROMISE YOU.
1547
00:56:19,335 --> 00:56:21,169
I PROMISE YOU
NO GUY IS DRIVING BY,
1548
00:56:21,170 --> 00:56:23,130
LIKE, "UGH, WELL,
TONIGHT REALLY SUCKS.
1549
00:56:23,131 --> 00:56:24,256
"AND I..."
[mimics tires screeching]
1550
00:56:24,257 --> 00:56:27,301
"WHOA."
1551
00:56:27,302 --> 00:56:29,552
"IS THAT A DRUNK GIRL
PEEING ON HOT GARBAGE?"
1552
00:56:29,553 --> 00:56:31,429
[laughter]
1553
00:56:31,430 --> 00:56:32,973
"THAT'S AWESOME."
1554
00:56:32,974 --> 00:56:34,141
"OH, WHAT AM I DOING?
1555
00:56:34,142 --> 00:56:35,809
I GOT TO GET
TO THE CRAFT STORE."
1556
00:56:35,810 --> 00:56:38,854
[mimics engine revving]
1557
00:56:42,566 --> 00:56:45,986
OH.
1558
00:56:45,987 --> 00:56:48,529
SO SHE'S... SHE'S DONE PEEING.
YOU'RE ALL WANDERING.
1559
00:56:48,530 --> 00:56:49,739
NOW, YOU'RE
INTO THE SECOND HOUR.
1560
00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,241
YOU'RE STILL
DRUNK SOMEHOW.
1561
00:56:51,242 --> 00:56:53,576
YOU'RE COLD, YOU'RE HUNGRY,
AND YOU...
1562
00:56:53,577 --> 00:56:55,036
EVERYBODY'S GOT
THAT ONE GIRLFRIEND
1563
00:56:55,037 --> 00:56:56,496
THAT HAS A POOR
MORAL BAROMETER.
1564
00:56:56,497 --> 00:56:59,082
SHE'LL GET IN A CAR
WITH ANY GUY...
1565
00:56:59,083 --> 00:57:01,626
AS LONG AS IT LOOKS WARM.
1566
00:57:01,627 --> 00:57:03,795
AND SHE'LL RATIONALIZE
WHY HE'S NOT A RAPIST
1567
00:57:03,796 --> 00:57:05,839
BASED SOLELY ON THE WAY
THAT HE'S DRESSED.
1568
00:57:05,840 --> 00:57:07,757
EVERY GIRL'S
HAD TO DO THIS, RIGHT?
1569
00:57:07,758 --> 00:57:09,217
YOU HAVE TO MAKE THESE, LIKE,
GAME-TIME DECISIONS.
1570
00:57:09,218 --> 00:57:10,635
YOU'RE, LIKE,
"HE'S NOT GONNA RAPE ME.
1571
00:57:10,636 --> 00:57:12,804
HE'S WEARING NIKE DUNKS."
1572
00:57:12,805 --> 00:57:13,972
"GUYS, COME OVER HERE."
1573
00:57:13,973 --> 00:57:15,349
YOUR FRIEND GOES OVER
TO THE GUY.
1574
00:57:15,350 --> 00:57:17,309
SHE BENDS DOWN
LIKE A STREETWALKER.
1575
00:57:17,310 --> 00:57:18,643
SHE'S, LIKE,
"HI, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
1576
00:57:18,644 --> 00:57:20,520
"TODD?
OH, THAT'S A FUN NAME.
1577
00:57:20,521 --> 00:57:22,647
"THAT'S A REALLY EXOTIC NAME.
OH, YOU'LL GIVE US A RIDE?
1578
00:57:22,648 --> 00:57:24,691
OKAY, THAT'S REALLY FUN.
MY NAME IS CRYSTAL."
1579
00:57:24,692 --> 00:57:25,817
[chuckles]
"NICE TO MEET YOU.
1580
00:57:25,818 --> 00:57:28,153
"HOLD ON A SECOND.
YOU GUYS!
1581
00:57:28,154 --> 00:57:29,654
HE'S GONNA GIVE US A RIDE."
[mimics baaing]
1582
00:57:29,655 --> 00:57:31,906
"HE'S GONNA GIVE US A RIDE."
1583
00:57:31,907 --> 00:57:33,367
"DO YOU WANNA GO WITH HIM?"
YOUR FRIENDS KNOW BETTER.
1584
00:57:33,368 --> 00:57:34,909
THEY'RE ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE STREET
1585
00:57:34,910 --> 00:57:37,245
HUDDLED TOGETHER,
LIKE, "CRYSTAL, GET AWAY."
1586
00:57:37,246 --> 00:57:40,165
[laughter]
1587
00:57:40,166 --> 00:57:44,252
"WE'RE NOT... GET... HE'S NOT..."
[mimics baaing]
1588
00:57:44,253 --> 00:57:48,089
[laughter and applause]
1589
00:57:48,090 --> 00:57:49,465
CRYSTAL'S STUPID,
AND SHE'S ALREADY...
1590
00:57:49,466 --> 00:57:51,134
SHE'S, LIKE,
"HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
1591
00:57:51,135 --> 00:57:53,345
"THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I REALLY LIKE YOUR CHIN STRAP.
1592
00:57:53,346 --> 00:57:56,056
IT'S REALLY ATTRACTIVE."
1593
00:57:56,057 --> 00:57:57,016
"HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
HOLD ON.
1594
00:57:57,017 --> 00:57:58,183
"LET ME...
YOU GUYS!
1595
00:57:58,184 --> 00:57:59,517
"HE'S GONNA GIVE US
A RIDE.
1596
00:57:59,518 --> 00:58:01,436
"LIKE, DO YOU WANNA JUST
KEEP WALKING?
1597
00:58:01,437 --> 00:58:03,688
SARAH, YOU'RE BEING A BITCH."
1598
00:58:03,689 --> 00:58:04,856
"YOU ARE... LIKE, WE TALKED
ABOUT THIS EARLIER
1599
00:58:04,857 --> 00:58:06,524
"WHEN YOU WERE
IN THE BATHROOM.
1600
00:58:06,525 --> 00:58:08,026
"YOU'RE BEING... THIS IS,
LIKE, WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT.
1601
00:58:08,027 --> 00:58:09,403
"YOU'RE BEING A...
DO YOU NOT WANNA...
1602
00:58:09,404 --> 00:58:10,653
"YOU DON'T WANNA GO
WITH HIM?
1603
00:58:10,654 --> 00:58:11,946
"YOU GUY...
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
1604
00:58:11,947 --> 00:58:13,114
"THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HOLD ON ONE...
1605
00:58:13,115 --> 00:58:14,699
"OKAY, HOLD ON.
HOLD ON A SEC.
1606
00:58:14,700 --> 00:58:16,034
"YOU GUYS, HE'S GONNA GIVE US...
HE'S BEING NICE.
1607
00:58:16,035 --> 00:58:17,660
"STOP IT.
STOP IT.
1608
00:58:17,661 --> 00:58:20,663
HE'S NOT... HE'S NOT...
HE'S NOT GONNA RAPE US."
1609
00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:22,707
[laughter]
1610
00:58:22,708 --> 00:58:24,709
"HE'S NOT GONNA RAPE US."
1611
00:58:24,710 --> 00:58:27,795
YOU HAVE TO WHISPER
THE RAPE PART.
1612
00:58:27,796 --> 00:58:29,297
JUST IN CASE
THAT WAS HIS INTENTION,
1613
00:58:29,298 --> 00:58:31,425
YOU DON'T WANT TO OFFEND HIM
AHEAD OF TIME.
1614
00:58:31,426 --> 00:58:34,135
[laughter]
1615
00:58:34,136 --> 00:58:36,012
GOD FORBID YOU OFFEND HIM
AND HE LEAVES.
1616
00:58:36,013 --> 00:58:38,139
OH, NO.
THEN WHAT?
1617
00:58:38,140 --> 00:58:41,976
"HE'S NOT GONNA RAPE US.
HE'S WEARING SKECHERS."
1618
00:58:41,977 --> 00:58:45,021
THAT'S FAIR.
1619
00:58:45,022 --> 00:58:46,440
NOW, YOU'RE
INTO HOUR THREE.
1620
00:58:46,441 --> 00:58:48,400
YOU DIDN'T TAKE THE RIDE
FROM CHIN STRAP.
1621
00:58:48,401 --> 00:58:50,485
SO YOU'RE WALKING.
YOU'RE COLD.
1622
00:58:50,486 --> 00:58:51,986
NO ONE KNOWS
WHERE THEY'RE GOING
1623
00:58:51,987 --> 00:58:55,282
'CAUSE YOU'RE ALL RELYING
ON GIRL GPS.
1624
00:58:55,283 --> 00:58:56,908
FOR THOSE OF YOU
THAT DON'T KNOW,
1625
00:58:56,909 --> 00:59:00,412
GIRL GPS PRETTY MUCH CONSISTS
OF ONE GIRL DOING THIS:
1626
00:59:00,413 --> 00:59:04,459
"UM..."
1627
00:59:08,421 --> 00:59:10,088
"I FEEL
LIKE IT'S THIS WAY."
1628
00:59:10,089 --> 00:59:13,592
[laughter and applause]
1629
00:59:22,017 --> 00:59:23,435
GIRLS, WHEN YOU GET DRUNK,
1630
00:59:23,436 --> 00:59:25,603
WHO ARE YOU MOST LIKELY
TO PICK A FIGHT WITH?
1631
00:59:25,604 --> 00:59:26,771
YOUR BOYFRIEND.
1632
00:59:26,772 --> 00:59:28,273
DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
1633
00:59:28,274 --> 00:59:29,774
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
HE'S NOT GONNA HIT YOU BACK.
1634
00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,318
[laughter]
1635
00:59:31,319 --> 00:59:33,320
EVERY GIRL IN HERE KNOWS
THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND
1636
00:59:33,321 --> 00:59:35,071
WILL TAKE A HEALTHY DOSE
OF YOUR DRUNK RANTING.
1637
00:59:35,072 --> 00:59:37,282
WHY?
1638
00:59:37,283 --> 00:59:38,699
'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE NIGHT
WHEN YOU'RE ALL TUCKERED OUT,
1639
00:59:38,700 --> 00:59:40,118
HE'S GONNA WANT
TO MOUTH-KISS YOU
1640
00:59:40,119 --> 00:59:43,371
AND TOUCH YOUR SNOOTCH,
THAT'S WHY.
1641
00:59:43,372 --> 00:59:45,206
I HATE TO TELL YOU
IT'S WHY THEY DO EVERYTHING.
1642
00:59:45,207 --> 00:59:46,833
IT'S WHY THEY PUT UP
WITH YOUR ATTITUDE.
1643
00:59:46,834 --> 00:59:48,751
IT'S WHY THEY BUY YOU
EXPENSIVE DRINKS.
1644
00:59:48,752 --> 00:59:50,545
IT'S WHY THEY LET YOU MAKE THEM
TURN THE GAME OFF
1645
00:59:50,546 --> 00:59:52,506
SO YOU CAN SHOW THEM
WHAT YOU DID ON PINTEREST.
1646
00:59:52,507 --> 00:59:55,467
OKAY?
FOR SNOOTCHES.
1647
00:59:55,468 --> 00:59:57,344
[laughter and applause]
1648
00:59:57,345 --> 00:59:59,554
"STEVE, COME HERE.
COME LOOK AT THIS.
1649
00:59:59,555 --> 01:00:02,015
"NO, LIKE, OFF.
LIKE, TURN IT OFF.
1650
01:00:02,016 --> 01:00:03,391
"DON'T P...
JUST, LIKE, SHUT IT OFF.
1651
01:00:03,392 --> 01:00:04,684
"I WANNA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
COME HERE.
1652
01:00:04,685 --> 01:00:07,228
COME HERE.
COME HERE."
1653
01:00:07,229 --> 01:00:09,272
"LOOK, LOOK WHAT I HAVE.
LOOK WHAT I PINNED.
1654
01:00:09,273 --> 01:00:10,815
"LOOK AT THIS.
1655
01:00:10,816 --> 01:00:15,445
IT'S AN ENTIRE WEDDING
MADE OF CHEESE."
1656
01:00:15,446 --> 01:00:18,865
"IT CAN BE OUR WEDDING."
1657
01:00:18,866 --> 01:00:23,328
"STEVEN?"
1658
01:00:23,329 --> 01:00:24,704
I CALL IT A "SNOOTCH"
1659
01:00:24,705 --> 01:00:27,832
'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE
THE WORD "VAGINA."
1660
01:00:27,833 --> 01:00:29,750
NO ONE SAYS "VAGINA."
1661
01:00:29,751 --> 01:00:32,045
LIKE, NO ONE SAYS THAT.
THAT'S WEIRD.
1662
01:00:32,046 --> 01:00:33,463
NO ONE HERE HAS EVER BEEN
HOOKING UP WITH SOMEONE
1663
01:00:33,464 --> 01:00:34,630
AND BEEN, LIKE,
"THIS FEELS GREAT.
1664
01:00:34,631 --> 01:00:36,550
CONTINUE TO TOUCH
MY VAGINA."
1665
01:00:36,551 --> 01:00:37,800
[laughter]
1666
01:00:37,801 --> 01:00:39,093
VAGINA?
WHAT?
1667
01:00:39,094 --> 01:00:41,596
A VAGINA SOUNDS
LIKE AN INDIAN CASINO.
1668
01:00:41,597 --> 01:00:44,474
[laughter]
1669
01:00:44,475 --> 01:00:47,477
"THIS WEEKEND AT VAGINA..."
1670
01:00:47,478 --> 01:00:51,439
"WAYNE NEWTON AT VAGINA."
1671
01:00:51,440 --> 01:00:53,858
I MADE UP "SNOOTCH"
'CAUSE IT'S SO CUTE-SOUNDING.
1672
01:00:53,859 --> 01:00:56,694
[in high-pitched voice]
SNOOTCH.
1673
01:00:56,695 --> 01:00:58,572
SNOOTCH.
1674
01:00:58,573 --> 01:01:00,656
MAYBE IT WOULD BE,
LIKE, A CARTOON CHARACTER.
1675
01:01:00,657 --> 01:01:03,159
MAYBE IT WOULD BE,
LIKE, A CUTE, TINY,
1676
01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:07,080
FURRY... OBVIOUSLY...
CHARACTER.
1677
01:01:07,081 --> 01:01:09,457
IT'S GOT A LITTLE
TOP HAT.
1678
01:01:09,458 --> 01:01:11,000
AND MAYBE BEFORE
YOU HAVE SEX,
1679
01:01:11,001 --> 01:01:12,335
YOU HAVE
TO SUMMON SNOOTCH
1680
01:01:12,336 --> 01:01:14,879
SO HE CAN BLESS
THE WHOLE THING.
1681
01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:16,381
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
YOU HAVE TO DO.
1682
01:01:16,382 --> 01:01:17,798
YOU'RE HAVING...
YOU'RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.
1683
01:01:17,799 --> 01:01:19,551
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT
A SNOOTCH FLUTE
1684
01:01:19,552 --> 01:01:20,718
WHICH YOU HAVE
TO PREORDER.
1685
01:01:20,719 --> 01:01:22,762
YOU HAVE
TO ORDER THEM ONLINE.
1686
01:01:22,763 --> 01:01:24,805
IT'S A...
IT'S A DOT-GOV SITE.
1687
01:01:24,806 --> 01:01:26,474
YOU PULL IT OUT.
1688
01:01:26,475 --> 01:01:28,142
YOU'RE, LIKE,
"YOU READY TO HAVE SEX?"
1689
01:01:28,143 --> 01:01:30,437
"SURE, LET'S... LET'S...
LET'S SUMMON SNOOTCH."
1690
01:01:30,438 --> 01:01:31,687
[singing]
"DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO.
1691
01:01:31,688 --> 01:01:36,734
SNOOTCH!"
[laughter and applause]
1692
01:01:36,735 --> 01:01:38,152
"HI, FOLKS."
"HI, SNOOTCH.
1693
01:01:38,153 --> 01:01:39,237
"WE WERE JUST ABOUT
TO HAVE SEX.
1694
01:01:39,238 --> 01:01:40,280
DO WE HAVE
YOUR BLESSING?"
1695
01:01:40,281 --> 01:01:41,448
"WELL, YOU SURELY DO.
1696
01:01:41,449 --> 01:01:42,616
"IT WAS NICE MEETING
BOTH OF YOU,
1697
01:01:42,617 --> 01:01:43,991
"BUT I BETTER BE
ON MY WAY.
1698
01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:45,243
[singing]
"DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO, DOO.
1699
01:01:45,244 --> 01:01:48,580
SNOOTCH!"
[laughter and applause]
1700
01:01:48,581 --> 01:01:51,291
SO CUTE.
1701
01:01:51,292 --> 01:01:53,167
I MADE UP "SNOOTCH"
'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE P-WORD.
1702
01:01:53,168 --> 01:01:55,211
I DON'T LIKE SAYING IT.
IT'S NOT A LADY WORD.
1703
01:01:55,212 --> 01:01:57,464
PUSSY.
1704
01:01:57,465 --> 01:01:59,048
IF I GOT TO SAY IT,
THERE'S GONNA BE
1705
01:01:59,049 --> 01:02:01,134
AN INVOLUNTARY FACIAL SPASM
THAT COMES WITH IT.
1706
01:02:01,135 --> 01:02:02,427
YOU SHOULD
KNOW THAT.
1707
01:02:02,428 --> 01:02:03,928
I WILL RUIN
ANY SORT OF MOMENT
1708
01:02:03,929 --> 01:02:05,555
WE HAVE GOING
IN THE BEDROOM.
1709
01:02:05,556 --> 01:02:06,931
"ALL RIGHT, BABE.
THIS IS GREAT.
1710
01:02:06,932 --> 01:02:08,516
TELL ME WHERE YOU WANT ME
TO PUT IT."
1711
01:02:08,517 --> 01:02:10,518
"I'LL SAY IT,
BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE IT."
1712
01:02:10,519 --> 01:02:13,980
[laughter]
1713
01:02:13,981 --> 01:02:16,149
"COME ON. WHERE DO YOU
WANT ME TO PUT IT?"
1714
01:02:16,150 --> 01:02:18,526
"WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT
IN MY PUSSY!"
1715
01:02:18,527 --> 01:02:22,989
[screams]
1716
01:02:22,990 --> 01:02:24,491
"I CAN'T."
"WHAT'D YOU SAY?"
1717
01:02:24,492 --> 01:02:26,159
"NOTHING.
I'M FINE, I'M FINE."
1718
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:27,285
[sighs]
"ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO THIS."
1719
01:02:27,286 --> 01:02:28,328
"GREAT."
"ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
1720
01:02:28,329 --> 01:02:29,745
"LET'S GET BACK TO IT.
1721
01:02:29,746 --> 01:02:31,205
ALL RIGHT, WHERE DO YOU
WANT ME TO PUT IT?"
1722
01:02:31,206 --> 01:02:33,333
"WHY DON'T YOU PUT IT
IN MY PUSSY!"
1723
01:02:33,334 --> 01:02:36,252
[screams]
"NO!"
1724
01:02:36,253 --> 01:02:38,963
IT'S NOT A LADY WORD.
LADIES DON'T SAY THAT WORD.
1725
01:02:38,964 --> 01:02:40,715
LIKE, GROWING UP,
DID YOUR MOM EVER SAY,
1726
01:02:40,716 --> 01:02:41,716
"PUSSY, YOU NEED
TO SHOWER?"
1727
01:02:41,717 --> 01:02:43,301
NO, SHE DIDN'T, RIGHT?
1728
01:02:43,302 --> 01:02:46,680
NO, AND IF SHE DID,
THEN YOUR MOM WAS WHITE TRASH.
1729
01:02:46,681 --> 01:02:49,890
[laughter]
1730
01:02:49,891 --> 01:02:51,518
IT'S NOT A LADY WORD.
1731
01:02:51,519 --> 01:02:54,228
IT'S NOT A WORD THAT WOMEN HEAR
INDEPENDENT OF MEN.
1732
01:02:54,229 --> 01:02:57,190
MOST WOMEN DON'T HEAR THAT WORD,
LIKE, IN PROFESSIONAL ETHER.
1733
01:02:57,191 --> 01:02:59,817
NO WOMAN'S LAYING THERE
AT THE GYNECOLOGIST.
1734
01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:01,152
DOCTOR WALKS IN, HE'S, LIKE...
[snorts]
1735
01:03:01,153 --> 01:03:03,321
"WHAT'S UP?"
[clears throat]
1736
01:03:03,322 --> 01:03:06,658
"HOW'S IT HANGIN'?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE.
1737
01:03:06,659 --> 01:03:11,996
PUSSY CHECKS OUT ALL RIGHT."
1738
01:03:11,997 --> 01:03:13,540
"GREAT TITS, BY THE WAY.
GOOD HUSTLE.
1739
01:03:13,541 --> 01:03:17,628
GET OUTTA HERE."
[laughter and applause]
1740
01:03:20,881 --> 01:03:22,465
IT'S... IT'S A GUY WORD.
1741
01:03:22,466 --> 01:03:24,175
I DON'T CARE
THAT GUYS SAY IT.
1742
01:03:24,176 --> 01:03:26,386
BOYS ARE GROSS, AND THAT'S
WHY WE LOVE THEM, OKAY?
1743
01:03:26,387 --> 01:03:27,845
BUT THAT'S A GUY THING.
1744
01:03:27,846 --> 01:03:29,723
THAT'S WHAT GUYS SAY
IN THE LOCKER ROOMS
1745
01:03:29,724 --> 01:03:31,807
WITH... WITH...
WITH ALL THEIR GROSSNESS.
1746
01:03:31,808 --> 01:03:33,393
I'D IMAGINE THEY GO
TO THE LOCKER ROOM
1747
01:03:33,394 --> 01:03:35,478
AFTER A ROUSING GAME
OF TOUCH SOFTBALL,
1748
01:03:35,479 --> 01:03:36,771
AND THEY TALK
ABOUT THE P-WORD.
1749
01:03:36,772 --> 01:03:38,898
"HEY, WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP, BRO?
1750
01:03:38,899 --> 01:03:40,483
"WHAT'S UP?
DID YOU GET ANY...
1751
01:03:40,484 --> 01:03:41,609
DID YOU GET ANY PUSSY
LAST NIGHT?"
1752
01:03:41,610 --> 01:03:42,777
"YEAH, A WHOLE BUCKET."
1753
01:03:42,778 --> 01:03:47,782
I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU QUANTIFY IT.
1754
01:03:47,783 --> 01:03:50,117
I DON'T KNOW IF IT GOES BUCKET,
MUG, RAMEKIN.
1755
01:03:50,118 --> 01:03:52,078
I DON'T KNOW.
1756
01:03:52,079 --> 01:03:54,372
BUT THAT'S WHAT GUYS DO
IN THE LOCKER ROOMS
1757
01:03:54,373 --> 01:03:56,290
WITH THE BUTT SLAPS
AND THE SWORD FIGHTING.
1758
01:03:56,291 --> 01:04:00,002
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.
1759
01:04:00,003 --> 01:04:01,546
WE KNOW ABOUT THAT.
1760
01:04:01,547 --> 01:04:03,089
WE KNOW YOU DO WEIRD THINGS
WITH EACH OTHER
1761
01:04:03,090 --> 01:04:04,632
WITH YOUR WIENERS
'CAUSE YOU DO WEIRD THINGS
1762
01:04:04,633 --> 01:04:06,342
WITH US, AND YOU'RE TRYING
TO IMPRESS US.
1763
01:04:06,343 --> 01:04:09,929
SO I CAN ONLY IMAGINE
WHAT CREEPINESS
1764
01:04:09,930 --> 01:04:11,598
GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
1765
01:04:11,599 --> 01:04:13,725
I'VE SEEN IT FIRSTHAND.
1766
01:04:13,726 --> 01:04:15,017
EVERY GIRL HAS.
1767
01:04:15,018 --> 01:04:16,436
EVERY GIRL'S
HAD THAT BOYFRIEND
1768
01:04:16,437 --> 01:04:18,062
WHERE YOU'RE SITTING
ON THE BED
1769
01:04:18,063 --> 01:04:19,773
IN YOUR TARGET
UNDERWEAR WAITING.
1770
01:04:19,774 --> 01:04:22,066
HE COMES OUT
OF THE BATHROOM NAKED
1771
01:04:22,067 --> 01:04:23,484
EXCEPT FOR A T-SHIRT.
1772
01:04:23,485 --> 01:04:27,405
NO BOTTOMS,
DONALD DUCKING IT THE WHOLE WAY.
1773
01:04:27,406 --> 01:04:31,452
[laughter and applause]
1774
01:04:36,164 --> 01:04:37,540
HE'S GOT THIS GRIN
ON HIS FACE.
1775
01:04:37,541 --> 01:04:39,875
AND HE'S JUST, LIKE,
"HEY, BABE.
1776
01:04:39,876 --> 01:04:43,337
BABE, CHECK THIS OUT."
1777
01:04:43,338 --> 01:04:46,467
[laughter]
1778
01:04:48,427 --> 01:04:51,554
WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
1779
01:04:51,555 --> 01:04:54,766
ON BEHALF
OF ALL WOMEN, WHY?
1780
01:04:54,767 --> 01:04:58,645
IT'S NEVER GONNA CHANGE
A GIRL'S MIND, EVER.
1781
01:04:58,646 --> 01:04:59,937
YOU ARE NOT
HELPING YOURSELF.
1782
01:04:59,938 --> 01:05:01,773
NO WOMAN,
I PROMISE YOU, EVER...
1783
01:05:01,774 --> 01:05:04,108
YOU'RE SITTING THERE
DOING THAT LIKE A CIRCUS MONKEY,
1784
01:05:04,109 --> 01:05:07,737
NO GIRL IS GONNA
TURN AROUND, LIKE...
1785
01:05:07,738 --> 01:05:10,783
[sighs]
1786
01:05:14,328 --> 01:05:17,246
"MY, MY, MY."
1787
01:05:17,247 --> 01:05:18,914
"YOU KNOW WHAT'S CRAZY?
1788
01:05:18,915 --> 01:05:21,709
"UM...
1789
01:05:21,710 --> 01:05:26,756
"I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH YOU BEFORE.
1790
01:05:26,757 --> 01:05:29,509
"BUT NOW...
1791
01:05:29,510 --> 01:05:35,431
"NOW THAT YOU'VE DISPLAYED
THE AGILITY..."
1792
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:39,143
"OF YOUR FLACCID PENIS...
1793
01:05:39,144 --> 01:05:44,106
"AS IT SLAPS
IN RHYTHMIC REPETITION...
1794
01:05:44,107 --> 01:05:45,775
"AGAINST EITHER ONE
1795
01:05:45,776 --> 01:05:49,696
"OF YOUR CLEARLY
NEVER-SEEN-BY-THE-SUN THIGHS,
1796
01:05:49,697 --> 01:05:53,366
NOW, SNOOTCH TIME."
1797
01:05:53,367 --> 01:05:57,412
[laughter and applause]
1798
01:06:08,256 --> 01:06:11,217
IN CLOSING, I WOULD...
[chuckles]
1799
01:06:11,218 --> 01:06:13,427
IN CLOSING,
I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE
1800
01:06:13,428 --> 01:06:16,222
THE GIRLS IN THIS ROOM
A BIT OF ADVICE, OKAY?
1801
01:06:16,223 --> 01:06:18,725
I HAVE A TIP FOR YOU,
BUT JUST THE TIP.
1802
01:06:18,726 --> 01:06:21,770
[laughter and applause]
1803
01:06:24,648 --> 01:06:29,569
LADIES, NEVER ORDER A LOBSTER
ON A DATE.
1804
01:06:29,570 --> 01:06:31,111
THE LOBSTER IS THE MOST
1805
01:06:31,112 --> 01:06:33,322
EXPENSIVE THING
ON THE MENU, OKAY?
1806
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:36,910
SO JUST KNOW THAT IF YOU ORDER
AND CONSUME A LOBSTER,
1807
01:06:36,911 --> 01:06:40,246
YOU HAVE TO TOUCH
YOUR DATE'S WEINER.
1808
01:06:40,247 --> 01:06:41,873
YOU HAVE TO, OKAY?
1809
01:06:41,874 --> 01:06:45,793
IT'S LIKE A SEXUAL CONTRACT
FROM THE SEA.
1810
01:06:45,794 --> 01:06:49,129
[laughter]
1811
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:51,215
IT'S BINDING.
1812
01:06:51,216 --> 01:06:54,802
NOW, KEEP IN MIND HE WANTS YOU
TO GET THE LOBSTER.
1813
01:06:54,803 --> 01:06:56,721
HE'S NOT GONNA
MAKE YOU GET IT,
1814
01:06:56,722 --> 01:06:59,014
BUT HE'S HOPING YOU'LL COME
TO THAT CONCLUSION ON YOUR OWN.
1815
01:06:59,015 --> 01:07:00,767
HE'S HOPING YOU'LL BE FLIPPING
THROUGH THE MENU,
1816
01:07:00,768 --> 01:07:02,810
AND YOU'LL BE, LIKE,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET.
1817
01:07:02,811 --> 01:07:04,228
"LIKE, I'M JUST... I DON'T KNOW.
I'M EATING FRESH THIS WEEK.
1818
01:07:04,229 --> 01:07:06,146
"I'M EATING A LOT
OF FRESH THINGS.
1819
01:07:06,147 --> 01:07:08,357
"THAT'S MY NEW THING, FRESH.
I'M JUST GONNA DO FRESH FOOD."
1820
01:07:08,358 --> 01:07:10,526
[gasps]
"LOBSTER?
1821
01:07:10,527 --> 01:07:12,445
"SHOULD I... SHOULD I GET IT?
SHOULD I GET IT?
1822
01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:14,071
"SHOULD I GET
THE LOBSTER?
1823
01:07:14,072 --> 01:07:15,322
"SHOULD I CRACK IT OPEN
ON MY HEAD LIKE AN OTTER,
1824
01:07:15,323 --> 01:07:16,407
"EAT IT OFF
MY CHEST?
1825
01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:17,742
LOBSTER?"
1826
01:07:17,743 --> 01:07:19,493
"YEAH, 'CAUSE THEN,
IT'S WEINER TIME
1827
01:07:19,494 --> 01:07:21,245
THIS SUNDAY AT VAGINA."
1828
01:07:21,246 --> 01:07:24,916
[laughter and applause]
1829
01:07:24,917 --> 01:07:26,834
HERE'S HOW IT'S GONNA
GO DOWN, OKAY?
1830
01:07:26,835 --> 01:07:28,168
YOU'RE GONNA BE
MAKING OUT LATER.
1831
01:07:28,169 --> 01:07:29,963
AND NOW, GUYS,
THIS IS FOR YOU TO KNOW.
1832
01:07:29,964 --> 01:07:32,047
JUST SO YOU KNOW,
AS GIRLS,
1833
01:07:32,048 --> 01:07:34,216
WE LIKE TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU
WHEN WE FIRST MEET YOU.
1834
01:07:34,217 --> 01:07:35,927
WE LIKE TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU
A COUPLE TIMES
1835
01:07:35,928 --> 01:07:37,428
AND THEN LEAVE
RIGHT WHEN YOU THINK
1836
01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,221
WE'RE GONNA SLEEP
WITH YOU, OKAY?
1837
01:07:39,222 --> 01:07:41,223
WE DO IT TO MAKE SURE
THAT YOU LIKE US.
1838
01:07:41,224 --> 01:07:42,600
BUT IF YOU WANT TO KNOW
THE TRUTH,
1839
01:07:42,601 --> 01:07:46,228
THEY TEACH US THIS SHIT
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
1840
01:07:46,229 --> 01:07:48,230
WHILE YOU WERE OFF BUILDING
A BIRDHOUSE IN SHOP CLASS,
1841
01:07:48,231 --> 01:07:50,065
WE WERE OFF LEARNING
HOW TO BE ANNOYING.
1842
01:07:50,066 --> 01:07:51,985
HERE'S HOW IT HAPPENS.
1843
01:07:51,986 --> 01:07:53,277
YOU'RE GONNA BE
MAKING OUT.
1844
01:07:53,278 --> 01:07:54,528
AND YOU'LL NOTICE
THAT WHEN A GIRL
1845
01:07:54,529 --> 01:07:55,780
MAKES OUT WITH YOU
AND LEAVES YOU,
1846
01:07:55,781 --> 01:07:56,990
WE ALWAYS LEAVE
IN A VERY SWEET WAY
1847
01:07:56,991 --> 01:07:58,365
BECAUSE WE WANT YOU
TO HAVE
1848
01:07:58,366 --> 01:08:00,618
A NICE IMPRESSION OF US
FOR LATER, RIGHT?
1849
01:08:00,619 --> 01:08:02,745
SO IT'S ALWAYS, LIKE,
"OKAY, WELL, I GOTTA GO.
1850
01:08:02,746 --> 01:08:05,289
BYE." [mimics baaing]
NO, YOU DIDN'T. NO.
1851
01:08:05,290 --> 01:08:07,959
"BYE. I LOVE YOU TOO.
STOP IT." [mimics baaing]
1852
01:08:07,960 --> 01:08:09,502
IT'S ALWAYS
VERY SWEET, RIGHT?
1853
01:08:09,503 --> 01:08:11,295
I'VE GONE AS FAR
AS TO SOMETIMES BRING
1854
01:08:11,296 --> 01:08:12,880
A LITTLE THING
OF VANILLA BODY SPRAY.
1855
01:08:12,881 --> 01:08:14,173
AND WHEN HE GETS UP
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,
1856
01:08:14,174 --> 01:08:15,466
I SPRAY IT ON HIS PILLOW.
1857
01:08:15,467 --> 01:08:16,676
THAT WAY, LATER,
WHEN HE TEXTS ME,
1858
01:08:16,677 --> 01:08:17,885
HE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
1859
01:08:17,886 --> 01:08:19,512
MY PILLOW STILL SMELLS
LIKE YOU."
1860
01:08:19,513 --> 01:08:22,181
I'M LIKE, "THAT'S AMAZING."
1861
01:08:22,182 --> 01:08:23,557
"I DON'T KNOW WHY."
1862
01:08:23,558 --> 01:08:25,018
YOU CAN GET CREATIVE
WITH IT.
1863
01:08:25,019 --> 01:08:26,644
YOU CAN TAKE A HANDFUL
OF GLITTER ON YOUR DATE.
1864
01:08:26,645 --> 01:08:28,145
AND THEN AFTER YOU'RE LEAVING,
JUST BE, LIKE,
1865
01:08:28,146 --> 01:08:30,397
"OKAY, I GOTTA GO."
[blows into microphone]
1866
01:08:30,398 --> 01:08:31,899
"BYE."
1867
01:08:31,900 --> 01:08:34,652
YOU CAN BRING A SMOKE BOMB...
[mimics exploding]
1868
01:08:34,653 --> 01:08:35,862
AND THEN, LIKE,
STILL BE STANDING THERE
1869
01:08:35,863 --> 01:08:38,823
'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW MAGIC.
1870
01:08:38,824 --> 01:08:40,157
GIRLS ALWAYS LEAVE
IN A SWEET WAY.
1871
01:08:40,158 --> 01:08:41,534
WE NEVER LEAVE
IN A HUFF.
1872
01:08:41,535 --> 01:08:43,118
IT'S NEVER, LIKE,
"WELL, I GOT MINE.
1873
01:08:43,119 --> 01:08:44,745
EAT MY SHIT LATER, FUCK-TARD."
1874
01:08:44,746 --> 01:08:46,831
[mimics thudding]
1875
01:08:46,832 --> 01:08:48,415
NEVER DOING THAT.
1876
01:08:48,416 --> 01:08:49,917
SO WE'RE GONNA BE
MAKING OUT LATER.
1877
01:08:49,918 --> 01:08:51,377
AND HERE'S
HOW IT'S GONNA GO.
1878
01:08:51,378 --> 01:08:52,628
WE'RE GONNA BE
MAKING OUT, OKAY?
1879
01:08:52,629 --> 01:08:54,672
SO THIS IS
MAKING OUT, OKAY?
1880
01:08:54,673 --> 01:08:56,549
I'M 12, THIS IS WHAT MAKING OUT
LOOKS LIKE.
1881
01:08:56,550 --> 01:08:57,967
AND THE GUY'S
GONNA BE, LIKE,
1882
01:08:57,968 --> 01:08:59,385
"OH, I LIKE MAKING OUT WITH YOU
SO MUCH."
1883
01:08:59,386 --> 01:09:00,845
"I LIKE MAKING OUT
WITH YOU."
1884
01:09:00,846 --> 01:09:02,722
"TONIGHT WAS SO FUN."
"IT WAS REALLY FUN."
1885
01:09:02,723 --> 01:09:04,015
"YOU'RE SO HOT."
"I KNOW."
1886
01:09:04,016 --> 01:09:05,474
"THIS IS SO FUN.
I REALLY LIKE YOU.
1887
01:09:05,475 --> 01:09:06,851
YOU'RE SO PRETTY."
"I KNOW, THIS IS GREAT.
1888
01:09:06,852 --> 01:09:09,603
I AM PRETTY."
"OH, I LIKE YOU A LOT.
1889
01:09:09,604 --> 01:09:12,857
SO YOU WANNA KEEP GOING?"
GIRLS, THAT'S YOUR CUE.
1890
01:09:12,858 --> 01:09:15,401
"ALL RIGHT, WELL, I GOTTA GO."
"WHAT?"
1891
01:09:15,402 --> 01:09:19,154
"I GOTTA GO, BYE."
1892
01:09:19,155 --> 01:09:21,281
"LATER."
[mimics baaing]
1893
01:09:21,282 --> 01:09:23,576
AND THE GUY
IS GONNA TRY
1894
01:09:23,577 --> 01:09:25,828
TO GET YOU TO STAY, RIGHT?
AS HE SHOULD.
1895
01:09:25,829 --> 01:09:28,122
YOU CAN'T JUST WALK
OUT OF A SPIDER'S WEB.
1896
01:09:28,123 --> 01:09:30,249
[laughter]
1897
01:09:30,250 --> 01:09:31,959
"YOU'RE REALLY GONNA GO?
COME ON. COME ON.
1898
01:09:31,960 --> 01:09:35,296
"AMBER.
YOU REALLY GONNA GO?
1899
01:09:37,215 --> 01:09:40,301
YOU REALLY GONNA GO?"
1900
01:09:42,303 --> 01:09:46,057
"REALLY GONNA GO?"
1901
01:09:46,058 --> 01:09:49,518
[indistinct]
1902
01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:53,522
[trilling]
1903
01:09:53,523 --> 01:09:57,484
"REALLY JUST GO?
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO? HUH?"
1904
01:09:57,485 --> 01:10:01,531
[laughter and applause]
1905
01:10:04,618 --> 01:10:08,705
[laughter]
1906
01:10:13,919 --> 01:10:15,502
"YOU'RE JUST GONNA LEAVE IT
LIKE THIS?"
1907
01:10:15,503 --> 01:10:17,671
"I'M SORRY.
1908
01:10:17,672 --> 01:10:19,173
"WERE WE IN THE MIDDLE
OF OPEN HEART SURGERY?
1909
01:10:19,174 --> 01:10:20,424
"I'M PRETTY SURE
YOU'RE FINE.
1910
01:10:20,425 --> 01:10:22,009
"YEAH.
1911
01:10:22,010 --> 01:10:24,720
"I'M NOT A DOCTOR PER SE,
BUT I'M FAIRLY CONFIDENT
1912
01:10:24,721 --> 01:10:26,263
"THAT BLOOD WILL RETURN
TO YOUR SYSTEM.
1913
01:10:26,264 --> 01:10:29,392
WALK IT OFF, CHAMP."
[laughter and applause]
1914
01:10:31,145 --> 01:10:32,311
THAT MIGHT SOUND HARSH,
1915
01:10:32,312 --> 01:10:33,938
BUT IT TOOK TEN YEARS
OF ME DATING
1916
01:10:33,939 --> 01:10:36,273
TO LEARN THAT A BONER
ISN'T A MEDICAL CONDITION.
1917
01:10:36,274 --> 01:10:38,567
SO I'M PAYING YOU BACK
RIGHT NOW.
1918
01:10:38,568 --> 01:10:42,362
[laughter and applause]
1919
01:10:42,363 --> 01:10:43,823
NOW, HE'S PISSED,
1920
01:10:43,824 --> 01:10:45,365
MOSTLY BECAUSE HE HAS
A RAGING ERECTION
1921
01:10:45,366 --> 01:10:47,034
AND YOU CALLED HIM "CHAMP."
1922
01:10:47,035 --> 01:10:49,286
NOW, HE'S MAD.
1923
01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:51,205
"REALLY? YOU'RE GONNA GO?
THAT'S MESSED UP.
1924
01:10:51,206 --> 01:10:52,832
THAT'S MESSED UP!"
[growls]
1925
01:10:52,833 --> 01:10:54,333
"IT'S MESSED UP, AMBER.
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO.
1926
01:10:54,334 --> 01:10:55,960
"LET ME...
JUST GONNA GO?
1927
01:10:55,961 --> 01:10:57,544
"IT'S FUNNY.
IT'S FUNNY.
1928
01:10:57,545 --> 01:10:59,839
"YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO
'CAUSE, UH... HUH.
1929
01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:04,384
I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER
I BOUGHT YOU A LOBSTER."
1930
01:11:04,385 --> 01:11:08,597
[laughter and applause]
1931
01:11:08,598 --> 01:11:12,518
THE MAN'S RIGHT.
TIME TO PAY THE PIPER.
1932
01:11:12,519 --> 01:11:14,394
GIRLS, YOU DO NOT HAVE
TO SLEEP WITH HIM.
1933
01:11:14,395 --> 01:11:18,440
IT'S JUST A CRUSTACEAN.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS, ALL RIGHT?
1934
01:11:18,441 --> 01:11:20,693
BUT YOU GOT
TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING.
1935
01:11:20,694 --> 01:11:23,237
I-I SUGGEST A BEEJ.
THAT'S WHAT I SUGGEST.
1936
01:11:23,238 --> 01:11:24,571
[laughter]
1937
01:11:24,572 --> 01:11:26,240
THAT'S PROPER.
DON'T DO A HAND JOB.
1938
01:11:26,241 --> 01:11:28,117
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THAT'S CHILD'S PLAY.
1939
01:11:28,118 --> 01:11:30,577
[laughter and applause]
1940
01:11:30,578 --> 01:11:32,621
HAND JOB?
A HANDY? REALLY?
1941
01:11:32,622 --> 01:11:34,665
AS A GROWN WOMAN, YOU'RE NOT
DOING A HAND JOB, OKAY?
1942
01:11:34,666 --> 01:11:36,500
IF YOU VOTED,
YOU'RE NOT DOING A HAND JOB.
1943
01:11:36,501 --> 01:11:38,502
[laughter]
1944
01:11:38,503 --> 01:11:40,963
LET'S SEND SOME HAND JOBS
OVERSEAS TO CHINA.
1945
01:11:40,964 --> 01:11:44,133
[laughter and applause]
1946
01:11:44,134 --> 01:11:45,551
NOT DOING A HAND JOB.
1947
01:11:45,552 --> 01:11:46,927
A HAND JOB, WHO DOES...
THAT'S WHAT KIDS DO
1948
01:11:46,928 --> 01:11:48,554
WHEN YOU'RE,
LIKE, A TEENAGER.
1949
01:11:48,555 --> 01:11:50,806
YOU DO A HAND JOB.
YOU PUT ON YOUR PROMISE RING.
1950
01:11:50,807 --> 01:11:52,892
YOU REVEL IN YOUR VIRGINITY
FOR THE NEXT 10 TO 15 YEARS
1951
01:11:52,893 --> 01:11:54,643
DEPENDING ON YOUR INVOLVEMENT
WITH COMIC BOOKS.
1952
01:11:54,644 --> 01:11:56,020
THAT'S WHAT A HAND JOB
IS FOR.
1953
01:11:56,021 --> 01:11:58,022
AS AN ADULT,
IT'S NOT HAPPENING.
1954
01:11:58,023 --> 01:12:00,149
IT'S AN INTERMEDIARY STEP
IN A SEXUAL EVOLUTION
1955
01:12:00,150 --> 01:12:02,359
THAT YOU'VE
EVOLVED PAST, OKAY?
1956
01:12:02,360 --> 01:12:07,073
IT'S LIKE A TAIL...
1957
01:12:07,074 --> 01:12:08,615
NECESSARY AT ONE POINT
FOR BALANCE,
1958
01:12:08,616 --> 01:12:10,117
BUT IF YOU BUSTED IT OUT
AT A HOUSE PARTY,
1959
01:12:10,118 --> 01:12:12,411
PEOPLE WOULD BE,
LIKE, WEIRDED OUT.
1960
01:12:12,412 --> 01:12:16,790
[laughter]
1961
01:12:16,791 --> 01:12:19,835
I WAS OUT WITH A GUY ONE TIME
WHO I WASN'T EVEN INTO.
1962
01:12:19,836 --> 01:12:23,256
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING.
AND HE DIDN'T BUY ME A LOBSTER.
1963
01:12:23,257 --> 01:12:24,298
AND I WAS...
I EXPLAINED EVERYTHING.
1964
01:12:24,299 --> 01:12:25,799
AND AFTER TALKING
TO HIM,
1965
01:12:25,800 --> 01:12:28,427
HE'S LIKE,
"I'D LIKE A HAND JOB."
1966
01:12:28,428 --> 01:12:29,929
[laughter]
1967
01:12:29,930 --> 01:12:31,680
"I THINK
IT SOUNDS GREAT."
1968
01:12:31,681 --> 01:12:33,390
AND I GUESS
I WAS FRUSTRATED
1969
01:12:33,391 --> 01:12:35,768
'CAUSE HE HADN'T BEEN LISTENING
TO ME OR MY FEELINGS.
1970
01:12:35,769 --> 01:12:37,019
AND I WAS LIKE,
"ALL RIGHT.
1971
01:12:37,020 --> 01:12:39,479
"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, SON.
1972
01:12:39,480 --> 01:12:42,233
"I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
A HAND JOB.
1973
01:12:42,234 --> 01:12:43,943
BUT IT'S GONNA BE
ON MY TERMS."
1974
01:12:43,944 --> 01:12:45,652
[laughter]
1975
01:12:45,653 --> 01:12:48,740
"45 MINUTES LONG..."
1976
01:12:52,994 --> 01:12:56,123
"NO LOTION..."
[laughter and applause]
1977
01:12:58,499 --> 01:13:00,084
"AND YOU DON'T BREAK
EYE CONTACT.
1978
01:13:00,085 --> 01:13:04,172
GO!"
1979
01:13:11,263 --> 01:13:15,557
[cheers and applause]
1980
01:13:15,558 --> 01:13:20,313
[coughs and sighs]
1981
01:13:20,314 --> 01:13:24,024
WHAT KILLS ME IS THAT YOU GET
THAT I'M KIDDING.
1982
01:13:24,025 --> 01:13:27,236
HE DID NOT.
1983
01:13:27,237 --> 01:13:30,156
I SWEAR TO GOD HE GOES,
"AW, NO LOTION?"
1984
01:13:30,157 --> 01:13:32,908
[laughter]
1985
01:13:32,909 --> 01:13:34,201
"THAT DOESN'T SOUND FUN."
1986
01:13:34,202 --> 01:13:36,329
LIKE THE 45-MINUTE PART
IS TOLERABLE?
1987
01:13:36,330 --> 01:13:38,747
[laughter]
1988
01:13:38,748 --> 01:13:40,833
"ILIZA, COME ON.
YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
1989
01:13:40,834 --> 01:13:43,418
YOU GOTTA GIVE ME LOTION
OR DO SOMETHING CUTE."
1990
01:13:43,419 --> 01:13:46,339
IT THREW ME OFF
THAT HE SAID "CUTE"
1991
01:13:46,340 --> 01:13:48,299
BECAUSE THAT'S NOT AN ADJECTIVE
I BELIEVE
1992
01:13:48,300 --> 01:13:52,845
BELONGS ANYWHERE
NEAR AN H.J.
1993
01:13:52,846 --> 01:13:54,347
IT SOUNDED CREEPY
IN A WAY.
1994
01:13:54,348 --> 01:13:56,223
I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'CUTE'?
1995
01:13:56,224 --> 01:13:58,142
"WHAT... WHAT'S CUTE?
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
1996
01:13:58,143 --> 01:14:00,186
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
KITTEN PAWS?"
1997
01:14:00,187 --> 01:14:03,273
[laughter]
1998
01:14:16,661 --> 01:14:19,454
IT'S PROBABLY HOW THAT ONE CAT
LOST HIS EYE.
1999
01:14:19,455 --> 01:14:20,580
YOU GUYS ARE FANTASTIC.
2000
01:14:20,581 --> 01:14:21,874
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR COMING OUT.
2001
01:14:21,875 --> 01:14:25,962
[cheers and applause]
2002
01:14:27,255 --> 01:14:30,342
[upbeat music]
149527
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