All language subtitles for Cheers - 812 - Sam Ahoy

(Carla)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Miss howe,
can i have tomorrow off?

Woody, i pay you for
40 hours a week.
I expect 40 hours' work.

Besides, i need you
to take me to go get my car

once it's finished
being detailed.

Well, what time
will that be?

Right after
my beauty shop appointment.

I'm getting
cellophane highlights
put in my hair,

and then i'm gonna
have a manicure,
and then a pedicure.

Pedicure?

Yeah, i have a date
with robin tonight

and i might wanna
play footsie.

All right,
i can drive you, miss howe.

Good.

But--but after that,
if there's time,
could i take off?

[Sighing]
god, woody.

What is
so all-fired important
about your stupid life?

Well, i cook
and deliver meals
to elderly shut-ins.

Oh.

You know,
i--i normally do it
on my day off,

but this week
on my day off

i'm doing a walkathon
for illiteracy.

We're against it.

Well, ok, then that would
be all right, woody.

Oh, oh, miss howe, wait.
I'm recycling glass bottles.

I want this world to be clean
for our children.

I mean, my children.
Or your children.

Or our children.

Seeing as how you got a date
with someone else tonight,

it seems like a long shot.

Woody, you're so good
and i'm so bad.

I--i feel guilty and ashamed.
I mean, i feel like
killing myself.

Oh, i also volunteer
for a suicide hotline.

We do good things.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[man exclaiming]

oh, sammy,
blind me with your beauty.

What's with
the fashion statement?

Well, i had to look good,
i had a meeting
over at corporation

about buying cheers.

Oh, sam,
tell me how did it go?

Well, i talked them
into it.

They're gonna sell me
the bar back.

[All exclaiming]
back in the saddle.

Well, i'm not out
of the woods yet, you know.

I, uh, got to raise
a little bit more capital

and i have to find myself
a few investors.

(Sam)
no, no, no, guys,
guys. Whoa!

Not you. I'm talking about
people with real money.

Uh, what's the matter, sam?
Our money's not good enough
for you?

Uh, that's right.

Ok.

You know, for a second there
i was offended,

but i got over it.

So, sammy,
how much cash do you need?

Uh, well.

[Sighing]

in a word, ahem...

[gasps]

[exclaims]

isn't that
how many miles it is
to the sun?

Yeah. Yeah,
maybe you're right, huh?

Oh, sammy,
you can do it.

Well, yeah. Right,
no, of course i can do it.

[All chattering]

as a matter of fact,
you know, this morning,

i, uh, i made
a rather clever investment
of $1,000.

Way to be, sammy.

That's using
the old noggin.
Let that money

work for you, pal.

What did you invest in?
This suit.

Looks pretty good,
doesn't it?
Yeah.

I tell you, this jacket
just over levis alone
is fabulous.

(Frasier)
well...

the notion of investing
is--is sound.

In fact i have $500
here in my pocket

that lilith has entrusted me
to invest in
a gilt-edged bond

for little frederick's
future.

So lilith controls
the purse strings
in your family, huh?

Oh, yes,
with a eagle-eye.

It's a good thing, too.
I mean,

you know me, if was left
to my own devices,

wastrel that i am,
i might blow up $2 a week
on a lousy beer.

Hmm, well, investing
sounds good
on paper, frase,

but problem is,
with inflation, you know,

when those bonds mature,
that money'll be worthless.

So little freddy will
lose money on the deal.

Oh, well, screw him.
Teach him life is real.

Hey, gang, look.
It's gilligan
and the millionaire.

Mr. Colcord, you're not
supposed to
walk ahead of security.

It's all right.
I know these people.

Wait for me outside.

Huh, one security guy,
big deal.

[All scoffing]

ok, boys,
rendezvous at the limo.

12 security guys,
big deal.

So, uh, what's with
all the g-men?

Oh, it's, uh,
nothing, really.

Well, don't be modest,
robin.

People want to kill him.

You're kidding me. Who?

Well, i can't go into detail.
Let's just say

that i'm involved
in delicate
financial dealings

with some sensitive
political areas.

Oh, a little, uh,
arms trading there, huh?

That's cliff.

People wanna kill him, too.

Who's after you?

Oh, well, who isn't, eh?
It's one of the drawbacks
of wealth.

Oh, well, enough of this
assassination folderol.

Do you wanna hear
something really exciting?

Robin took me
to the harbor today
to see his new sailboat,

and as coincidence
would have it,

it is called the rebecca.

You named your boat
after miss howe?

No, i christened her
long before i met miss howe.

In fact i named her
for the biblical rebecca.

(Rebecca)
but that's not all.

I had an aunt who was named
after the biblical rebecca,

and i am named
after her.

And that isn't
the end of it.

She was big as a boat
and old as the bible.

Ah, yes, rebecca,
wasn't that the maiden

king david, uh,
espied taking a bath
in her birthday suit?

Mmm, no, no, could be--
i think that was bathsheba.

I think rebecca's the one
that turned into
a pillar of salt.

No, no, that--
that was, uh, lot's wife.

She didn't have a name
of her own.

Then what did
lot do with her after
she turned into salt?

Kept her by the pretzels,
i bet, huh?

They had pretzels
in biblical times?

Yeah. I think
i just had one, too.

So, where is
the boat now?

Oh, we just, uh,
got rebecca out of dry docks.

Scraping the barnacles
off her bottom.

Not one word.

You know, this is a bar.
I'm free to say
whatever i want.

I'll give you $5.

Mum's the word.

Yes, i'm, uh,
preparing to sail her

in the cape cod regatta
this afternoon.

Oh, fast boat, huh?

Yes. You won't find one
faster than rebecca.

Ahem.

Sir, this just came over
the fax in the limousine.

Damn it, my bauxite miners
are threatening me with
a wildcat strike at midnight

unless i negotiate
with them personally.

Bauxite, huh?

That's the stuff
they make missile casings
out of, isn't it?

Don't cut this guy off
in traffic.

Uh, fax them
i'm on my way

and fill a briefcase
full of cash.

(Man)
yes, sir.

Drat, there goes the race.

I mean, i spent all that time
cleaning rebecca up,

and now i can't get her
out of her slip.

That's worth $10
if it's worth a nickel.

You know, it's, uh, too bad
you can't enter that race.

Right here in the paper
the first prize
is, uh, $10,000.

It's up to $10,000?
Yeah.

Uh, gentleman, in the time
it takes me to say $10,000,
i make $10,000.

Oh, there i go again.

Look.

$10,000.

Yes, it also works
if you say it.

Well, i'd better make
some calls
and rattle some cages

before i go off
to the mines.

Uh, rebecca, is the phone
in your office tapped?

No.

Nothing she has
has been tapped for 3 years.

Hey, sammy,
why don't you sail
robin's boat?

You could really
use the money.

Yeah, i'm sure
he's gonna give
his fancy boat

named after my fat aunt
to you.

Well, you can ask him.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
I would.

Of course, you know,
he'll probably laugh at me

and say, "why should
i give you my boat?"

But then i could say,

"well, you know, it's a--
it's a business deal,

and if i win,
then you'll have this, uh,
this beautiful trophy."

Yeah.

Of course
then he'll probably
look at me and say,

"why should i give a yutz
like you my fancy boat?"

Well...

then i'd say,
"hey, listen to me.

"I, you know, i happen to be
a very good sailor.

"As a matter of fact,
in '83 i came close
to winning that race.

And where did you
get off calling me a yutz?"
You know?

"You don't even know me."

And he'd probably say,
"i may not know you,
but i know your kind."

You know, and that would
really tick me off.
So i'd say,

"hey, i'll tell you
somethin'.

Well, how about you
just step outside with me?"

Uh, i was thinking,
sam, uh,

rebecca tells me
you're a sailor.

Why don't you
race my boat?

Oh, sure. Yeah, great.

Hey, i happen to be
a very good sailor.

Yes. Fine.

And i'm not a yutz.

Good for you, sam.

I'll call you later.

Oh, sam, you can
pick the keys up at pier 17,
in the yacht club.

And you'll need a crew.
Rebecca takes 3 men.

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

Buy 4, get one free.

Hey, guys, huh,
how about this?

I'm going to be
in the regatta this afternoon.

Well, you just better not
do anything to that boat

because robin has
promised me

that the two of us
are gonna take a cruise
on the rebecca

to the virgin islands.

Wow, a boat and an island
named after you
in the same day.

All right.
All right, i got to get me
a crew here, don't i?

Um, well, say there, carla...
yes.

...you're, uh, used to
being around sailors,
aren't you?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm with you, sammy.
Anything to get
this bar back.

All right, that's one.
Uh, one more to go here.

Ahem.
(Sam)
uh...

come on, man,
you were in the coast guard,
weren't you?

Right, sam.

I'd go with you in a second
if it weren't
for those horses.

What horses?
Wild ones.

They don't make 'em
strong enough to drag me
on board a boat now.

We'll be bringin'
a cooler of beer.

[Grunting]
come on!

All right!
Hey, i got my crew here.

All right, you guys,
i'm going to make a call
over to, uh,

gary's old town tavern

to see if i can get, uh,
a little betting goin' on

with those pigeons
down there.

Ok, so, uh,

what do you say, uh...
$100 says we lose?

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on.

All right, i'm sorry.
All right, $5 says we win.

Hello, gar?
Yeah, cliff clavin
over here at cheers.

Hey, it's mr. Weenie
to you, pal.

Let's huddle up here, carla.
All right.

Listen, uh, we got
to remember something
here now.

We can no longer
think of ourselves
as 3 individuals.

We are 3 parts
of the same machine
working together.

3 people with
one single purpose.

Not to drown.

All right. All right.
2 single purposes.

Not to drown
and win the race.

Ok, what about,
you know, getting all wet
and getting sick?

All right.
3 single purposes.

How about
buying the bar back?

All right, 4-- does anyone
have a piece of paper here?

All right, guys. I, uh,
struck a deal with gary.

He says that
he'll give us 5 to one odds

if we can come up with,
uh, $500 cash
before the race.

Where the hell
are we gonna get $500 cash?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey.

Who in the world

carries $500
in their pocket?

Yeah. Got any ideas
there, frase?

Let's see.

Um...

i find myself
in the horns of a dilemma.

Do i keep the money?
In which case,
you guys would pants me

and hang me
from the nearest flagpole.
Or, uh,

do i give you the money?
In which case

my darling wife
will see to it that
i don't need pants again.

No, it seems to me
there's only
one decent thing to do.

Run like a jackrabbit!

Oh, no, lilith,
no, you're mistaken.

You did not give me $500.

I mean, honey, how would
i forget a thing like that?

Well, did you-- did you look
under all the sofa cushions?

And how about, uh,
behind your dresser?

Yes, well, well,
keep on looking.

Maybe it's in your web.

Hey, guys, all sports is
showing sammy's boat race.

(Commentator on t.V.)
...round the first buoy,
orion is in the lead.

Mickey "g" is 2nd,

and blue horizon
a close 3rd.

Rebecca is trailing
dead last.

Come on, sammy!

Baby needs
a bachelor of arts degree!

Ah, don't worry there, frase.
You know, sammy's
an experienced sailor.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You know once
he whips carla and norm

into an experienced
and efficient crew,

he's gonna have that baby sail
like a swiss watch.

So, you're telling me
i should
kiss my $500 goodbye.

Pucker up, baby.

All right, guys, stand by!

Stand by on the mainsail!

Stand by to come about!

Hey, come on, guys.
What are you doin'?

Standing by the cooler.
Can i get you anything, sam?

Hey, come on. This is
your chance to win back
sammy's bar here.

Come on, sam.
We've lost the race,
gotten sick,

made fools of ourselves.

I say it's miller time, pal.

(Carla)
yeah.

Hey, what is that,
quitter's talk?

If it's not,
we'll think of some more.

Yeah. Well, i'm not givin' up.

How about
another beer, norm?

Yeah, comin' up.

Uh-oh. That's it
for the cheap stuff.

Let's see if colcord
keeps anything in his fridge.

Oh, yeah. Break it out.

[Clearing throat]

bingo. All right.

Why would colcord
keep a digital clock
in his refrigerator?

That's weird.
Yeah.

It has like, uh,
all these wires
comin' out of it.

It's goin' backwards, too.

Does it have
a snooze button?

No, no,
it just has this thing
marked "detonator."

(Both)
uh-oh.

Sam!

Sam!

What? I can't
keep comin' down here
every 2 seconds.

Come on, guys,
you should be up there.

We're all gonna be
up there in a second, sam.

Over here,
over there, everywhere.

We're gonna be chum, pal.

What are you talkin' about?

There's a bomb
in the fridge.

What?

Oh, no!

[Exclaiming]

[beeping]

oh, boy.

Well, maybe it's, uh,

one of those, uh,
devices

to keep you from raiding
the refrigerator, huh?

No. Trust me, sammy.
I've seen them all.

All right, looks like
we got about
28 minutes there.

Let's not panic.

Let go of me.
Don't--don't touch me.

All right, ok, uh,
all right,
we'll just, uh...

well, we'll call
the coast guard
is what we'll do here.

They'll know what to do.

All right,
just don't panic here.
Don't panic.

Panic is our worst enemy.

Yeah, well, this bomb
is a close 2nd, sammy.

Mayday, mayday.

Damn. This thing doesn't seem
to be working here.

Oh, god.
Mayday--

yeah, well,
there's your problem
there, sammy.

Well, what do
we do now, skipper?

I think we ought to rely
on an old, uh, skill

that i learned
in the coast guard.

Uh, radios, munitions...

no, no. Abandon ship!
Abandon ship!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

All right,
careful, careful.

[All clamoring]

all right,
i got it. All right.

(Sam)
all right, what are those
fins out there?

(Carla)
sharks!

(Norm)
abandon water!
Abandon water!

Oh!

Oh god. Oh, hold it.
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What?
How about this?

If one of us
is willing to go
overboard...

uh-huh.
...and create a diversion
for the sharks,

then maybe sammy and i
could swim to safety.

I never liked you, carla.

All right, wait, wait.
Come on, now. Come on.

Sammy, wait a minute.

What about your dinghy?

Oh, yeah.
That's what i'm gonna miss
most of all.

Idiot!

I mean the little boat
we can get away in.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What am i thinking here?

All right, ok,
here we go.

There it is.

All right.
Well, how does it work?

Yeah, you take up on deck
and you pull this cord here.

[Hissing]
no, not yet!

[Exclaiming]

"pull cord.
You're gonna die."

Oh, we're gonna die.

We're gonna die.
We're gonna die.

No. We're gonna die.

Ok, come on, just listen,
listen, you guys, listen.

We've still got time here.

Now, if you help me,

maybe we can, uh...
we--we sail this thing
to shore before it blows up.

Do you really think
we could do that?

Yeah, yeah,
you bet i do.

If we don't,
we'll die trying.
Come on.

Come on, man.
Let's go for it, sammy!

(Sam)
here, get this rope.
I got it.

[Carla chattering]

if i go,
i'm not goin' alone.

[Beeping]

were you scared, sam?
Are you kidding?

I saw my hair
pass before my eyes.

It's unbelievable.
I've never seen anything
like it.

Really. I mean,
we--we just
barely made it

to this little inlet. Right?

We jumped off the boat
onto the beach,

we ran about 50 yards,

and this baby exploded
like a roman candle.

I'm telling you
there were bits of boat
everywhere.

Unbelievable.
That is truly horrifying.

Yeah, how about this, huh?

Was that where
a piece of the boat
hit you?

No, i ripped my thumb
on one of
colcord's beers.

Those imports
don't have twistoffs.
It still smarts.

You know, uh, something
very similar happened to me
about 10 years ago.

You see, my ma was makin'
this homemade bread
in a crock pot--

wait a minute, cliff.
Unless that crock pot
exploded in your face,

i don't want
to hear about it, ok?
There's no comparison.

Well, suffice it to say,

that was the week i started
growin' this moustache.

Well, it's closin' time,
guys.

Yep, i'm out of here.

I think me and my crew
are gonna hang out here
for a little while.

Listen, frase, man,
i-i'm sorry about losing
your $500 like that.

I hope lilith doesn't
give you too tough a time.

Oh, you know, i--

i paint a pretty ugly
picture of lilith
once in a while,

but deep down,
she's really
a pretty good-hearted

and forgiving person.

Wow. Give her my best
when you get home.

Home? Are you nuts?

I'm staying at the sheraton
for a couple of weeks.

Well, guys,
that's another half-hour

that we wouldn't have had
if we hadn't
gotten off that boat.

Yeah.
Phew.

I tell you a brush
with death like that
really changes you.

Mmm.

From now on, i'm really
going to appreciate beer.

I'll go get my coat.

I'll tell you
what gets me.

We almost get killed
for this jerk
robin colcord,

and he doesn't even--
he didn't call us,
didn't send us flowers...

no.
...didn't fax.

Not a word, no.

I tell you something,
it's the last time

i'm gonna
almost blow up
for that guy.

[Sighs]

i better call vera,
i suppose.

Yeah, i bet
she's worried sick.

Yeah.

I tell you, if i act
upset enough,

i might be able to
parlay this
into a poker weekend.

Ah, there you are, sam.
Yeah.

Here i am.

I got back
from the union meeting

and just now heard
about the explosion.

Well, we're all ok.

Yes, i can see that.

Now, would you sign
these, uh, release forms?
It's, uh,

just a technicality
from my insurance department

but it will protect you
from further hassles.

Release forms?

I mean, that's all
you care about,
is saving your butt.

You know,
we went through hell
out there.

Yes, i'm sorry.
I don't know
what i was thinking of.

Um, believe me,
if i'd known there was a bomb
onboard the boat,

i would never have
let you near it.

I just admire
your courage, and, uh...

will you let me do
something for you?

Now, sam, how much
do you suppose
your life is worth?

Should we say $50,000?
Does that sound fair?

What are you
talkin' about?
No, no, i've insulted you.

$60,000. $50,000 in cash,
and $10,000 in stock options.

Stop. Hey, stop that.

This--this is not
about money.

This is about human life.
Mine and my friends'.

You know, you may not
understand this,

but there are some things
you can't buy.

There are some things
more precious than money.

Human life and a little
simple human dignity.

Yes, obviously
you're still hysterical, sam.

No, i'm not.

I'll tell you somethin'.
Why don't you
just take your checkbook

and drop it down
your bauxite mine.

You know, my life is worth
more than money.

Uh, sam, if you're trying
to haggle--

no, i'm not.
I don't want your money, ok?

I just want
a little simple apology

and a little concern
for all of us.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Ok, um, i'm sorry.

How are you all?

Ok.
Not too bad, you know.

Yes, well, i'm off.

Can you believe that?
Rich people.

We almost died for him

and he thinks
he can spread
a little money around

and make it all right.

Yeah.
Rich people are sick.

I'm glad he didn't mention
that when i was there.

I would have taken
a poke at him.
Yeah.

I said it for all of us.
I told him what to do
with his check.

Yeah, we're with you, sam.
Can you believe that?

Thinking he can come in here
and buy the 3 of us
for a measly $60,000.

Abandon sammy!
Robin!

Yo, yo, robin.
Hey, robin!

(Both)
abandon sammy!
Abandon sammy!