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Back in the '80s,
I was a boy who put it all
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00:00:02,794 --> 00:00:04,471
on the line romantically.
3
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:05,973
But now that I was kind of an adult
4
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:07,599
in kind of an adult relationship,
5
00:00:07,599 --> 00:00:09,518
I didn't need to do that stuff anymore.
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00:00:09,518 --> 00:00:10,811
Nice ketchup work.
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You really know your way
around a bottle of red.
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00:00:12,771 --> 00:00:15,232
Aww, look who knows
how to talk to a lady.
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00:00:15,232 --> 00:00:17,234
I used to be a tad
uncomfy around the gals,
10
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:19,278
but now complimenting
your condiment work
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00:00:19,278 --> 00:00:20,404
is as easy as breathing.
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00:00:20,404 --> 00:00:23,240
- Don't you carry an inhaler?
- You know it.
13
00:00:23,240 --> 00:00:25,492
You and ragweed take
my breath away, girl.
14
00:00:25,492 --> 00:00:30,414
Yep, I was on cloud nine.
15
00:00:30,414 --> 00:00:31,832
Every moment with Carmen felt like
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00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,542
a fantastical dance number.
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00:00:33,542 --> 00:00:35,878
♪ Ohhh, yeah ♪
18
00:00:35,878 --> 00:00:40,007
♪ Dance all night ♪
19
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,967
♪ Never gonna stop ♪
20
00:00:41,967 --> 00:00:45,804
♪ We'll be groovin'
till the break of dawn ♪
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00:00:45,804 --> 00:00:51,804
♪ Hey, dance all night ♪
22
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:58,475
♪ Doo-doo-da da-da-doo ♪
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00:00:58,475 --> 00:00:59,475
Goldnerd!
24
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:00,644
Goldnerd! What the hell, bro?!
25
00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:02,221
Stop getting freaky with the mop.
26
00:01:02,222 --> 00:01:04,516
Sorry, I was in a semi-fugue state
27
00:01:04,517 --> 00:01:05,783
dreaming about my special lady.
28
00:01:05,783 --> 00:01:06,783
- Nancy Reagan?
- No.
29
00:01:06,784 --> 00:01:08,244
Poetess Maya Angelou?
30
00:01:08,245 --> 00:01:09,780
- What?
- Leslie Nielsen?
31
00:01:09,781 --> 00:01:11,232
It's Carmen, my girlfriend!
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- Yeah, I don't think so, man.
- We're literally dating,
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and you think white-haired
actor Leslie Nielsen
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is a more likely
romantic partner for me?
35
00:01:18,128 --> 00:01:19,797
Tennis legend Billie Jean King?
36
00:01:19,797 --> 00:01:21,164
Yep, BJK. You got me.
37
00:01:21,673 --> 00:01:24,343
It was useless... I would
always be a romantic at heart.
38
00:01:24,343 --> 00:01:26,470
Which meant it was time to
celebrate our relationship,
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no matter how small the reason.
40
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Oh, don't worry.
41
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I won't peek at the special surprise
42
00:01:31,975 --> 00:01:33,852
someone's making his mamaaaa!
43
00:01:33,852 --> 00:01:34,852
None of this is for you.
44
00:01:34,853 --> 00:01:37,564
- And why would it be?
- Because it's Mother's Day.
45
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No, it's not.
46
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It's a random Tuesday in February.
47
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Well, every day should be Mother's Day.
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We only created the entire world.
49
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You certainly created
this awkward moment.
50
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:46,532
- And these are for Carmen.
- Really?
51
00:01:46,532 --> 00:01:48,158
You're still seeing that girl, huh?
52
00:01:48,158 --> 00:01:49,952
For the millionth time, yes.
53
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So what's it gonna be this time?
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00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:53,372
A standard "Say Anything" boombox
55
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followed by a trellis
climb for a PG-rated smooch?
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You don't know all my moves!
57
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But basically, yeah.
58
00:01:59,837 --> 00:02:01,421
It's our "one month-iversary."
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00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:03,006
Month-iversary?!
60
00:02:03,006 --> 00:02:04,633
Plus I rented a tux, and
I'm putting the final touches
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00:02:04,633 --> 00:02:06,301
on a patented Adam Goldberg mixtape!
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00:02:06,301 --> 00:02:07,719
Why are you crying?
63
00:02:07,719 --> 00:02:10,055
I just remember when you
were so teeny and innocent
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and didn't like strange local women.
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I'm taking this upstairs.
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But I love you! I've always loved you!
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Okay, how do you turn
this thing on from here?
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♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪
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♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪
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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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♪ I don't know the future ♪
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♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪
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It was February 22nd, 1980-something,
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and Erica was preparing to introduce
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00:02:39,501 --> 00:02:41,420
the newest member of the Goldbergs
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00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:43,380
to the one person who hadn't met her...
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Erica's best friend, Lainey Lewis.
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Okay, I need to get this right.
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00:02:46,925 --> 00:02:49,595
With the hat or without the hat?
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00:02:49,595 --> 00:02:51,638
I think you're putting too much
emphasis on appearances, Erica.
81
00:02:51,638 --> 00:02:53,974
It's just been a while since
Lainey's come back from LA.
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I want our baby to
make a good impression.
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Get the tiny sunglasses.
84
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,896
It's true, she's a fox.
85
00:02:58,896 --> 00:03:00,439
Good luck, boys in 15 years.
86
00:03:00,439 --> 00:03:01,857
25 years!
87
00:03:01,857 --> 00:03:03,442
Or whenever. I'm a chill dad.
88
00:03:03,442 --> 00:03:05,611
I'm just saying, Lainey
has a rock 'n roll life,
89
00:03:05,611 --> 00:03:07,738
and I'm a full-time mom.
90
00:03:07,738 --> 00:03:09,239
Our lives couldn't be more different.
91
00:03:09,239 --> 00:03:12,075
Please, she's probably
wallowing in misery like you.
92
00:03:12,075 --> 00:03:14,119
Like me? And why would she be wallowing?
93
00:03:14,119 --> 00:03:15,621
Because her spirit has been crushed
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00:03:15,621 --> 00:03:17,789
since Barry went back to
the girlfriend dealership
95
00:03:17,789 --> 00:03:20,834
and upgraded his model.
96
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:25,422
It's so great to see you!
97
00:03:25,422 --> 00:03:26,423
Oh, you, too!
98
00:03:26,423 --> 00:03:28,467
What a fun, screechy reunion.
99
00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:31,136
I was not met with
that level of enthusiasm
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00:03:31,136 --> 00:03:32,679
when I scooped her at the airport
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00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:34,181
in the dead center of the work day.
102
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:36,391
Yeah, Dad's here, too.
103
00:03:36,391 --> 00:03:37,768
Now where's that
little beam of sunshine?
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00:03:37,768 --> 00:03:39,686
Auntie Lainey, meet Muriel.
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00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:41,355
Oh, my God.
106
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,649
This is the cutest child
who ever walked the earth.
107
00:03:43,649 --> 00:03:45,150
Oh, she's actually not walking yet.
108
00:03:45,150 --> 00:03:46,235
The doctor said it's totally normal,
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no matter how many times I ask him.
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00:03:47,736 --> 00:03:49,071
Lainey Lewis.
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00:03:49,071 --> 00:03:51,490
And your father, Mr. Bill Lewis.
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00:03:51,490 --> 00:03:52,741
Hello to both of you.
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00:03:52,741 --> 00:03:54,701
Hi, Bar. Is that a giant chocolate kiss?
114
00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,912
'Tis. Been working it all day.
115
00:03:56,912 --> 00:03:58,789
Wanted to bloat up so
not to look too attractive
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00:03:58,789 --> 00:03:59,790
for my old flame.
117
00:03:59,790 --> 00:04:00,999
Look at that, it worked.
118
00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:02,501
It's also out of respect
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00:04:02,501 --> 00:04:03,877
to my former lover's father.
120
00:04:05,087 --> 00:04:07,214
I'm no threat to your baby girl.
121
00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:09,633
The brown ring around your
lips tells the story, son,
122
00:04:09,633 --> 00:04:11,551
but thanks for the words.
123
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,136
Maybe I'll just swing by later, Erica.
124
00:04:13,136 --> 00:04:14,888
But we have so much to catch up on.
125
00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:16,723
Bye, kiddo. Move out as
soon as you can, 'kay?
126
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:19,184
I guess I'll just use
the restroom at home.
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00:04:19,184 --> 00:04:20,227
Ciao!
128
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,561
Y'know, that reminds me...
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00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:24,439
I, too, should mosey on out
of here in a casual fashion.
130
00:04:24,439 --> 00:04:26,567
Take that the completely
innocent way it is intended.
131
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:27,568
What you up to, Bar?
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00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:28,819
Conventional things.
133
00:04:28,819 --> 00:04:30,654
Just going to meet Matt Bradley
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00:04:30,654 --> 00:04:33,574
so he can help me pick out
some jean shorts, you know.
135
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:36,076
What a strangely exhausting three minutes.
136
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,661
- Hanky-panky!
- What?
137
00:04:37,661 --> 00:04:39,454
An illicit entanglement is brewing
138
00:04:39,454 --> 00:04:40,914
between Barry and Lainey!
139
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:42,624
No way. I know Lainey,
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00:04:42,624 --> 00:04:45,502
and she would never
make that mistake again.
141
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:46,587
For the third time.
142
00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:47,588
I don't know, whenever Lainey's around,
143
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:48,672
Barry gets all weird.
144
00:04:48,672 --> 00:04:49,965
He's Barry.
145
00:04:49,965 --> 00:04:51,550
Weird is his natural state.
146
00:04:51,550 --> 00:04:52,759
Plus, he's over Lainey.
147
00:04:52,759 --> 00:04:54,511
I just don't see Barry
ever fully moving on.
148
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:55,971
Where is all this coming from?
149
00:04:55,971 --> 00:04:58,432
Okay, one, Barry is on
record saying that jean shorts
150
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:00,183
are the uniform of "half-men."
151
00:05:00,183 --> 00:05:01,935
Two, Barry would never
go to Matt Bradley
152
00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:03,520
for advice about anything,
153
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:06,023
and three, Matt Bradley is out of town!
154
00:05:06,023 --> 00:05:08,358
Even if Barry was dumb enough
to go back down that road,
155
00:05:08,358 --> 00:05:10,485
there is no way that Lainey would.
156
00:05:10,485 --> 00:05:12,738
If she was even thinking
about it, she'd tell me.
157
00:05:12,738 --> 00:05:14,406
- I'm her best friend!
- Maybe.
158
00:05:14,406 --> 00:05:16,450
But there are two words she
hasn't shared with you...
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00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,784
- hanky-panky.
- Oh.
160
00:05:17,784 --> 00:05:19,328
As Geoff worried that Barry and Lainey
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00:05:19,328 --> 00:05:21,288
were falling back into a romance,
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00:05:21,288 --> 00:05:23,749
my mom was worried about
my romance with Carmen.
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00:05:23,749 --> 00:05:26,460
Adam and that Carmen
are moving way too fast.
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00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,295
I thought we were discussing
my recent health scare,
165
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,546
but let's pivot to you.
166
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:32,132
I mean, his little heart
is just so sensitive.
167
00:05:32,132 --> 00:05:34,801
What if she rejects
him? It'll crush him.
168
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:38,889
He does seem like a person who's
been shielded by someone
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00:05:38,889 --> 00:05:40,766
from experiencing most things
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any adult would have by now.
171
00:05:43,518 --> 00:05:45,103
- Ginzy!
- Hm?
172
00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:47,481
That Carmen is here, and
she's with another man!
173
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:48,607
Really?
174
00:05:48,607 --> 00:05:49,858
Okay, here's what we're gonna do...
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00:05:49,858 --> 00:05:51,568
Assume the best and
mind our own business?
176
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:53,737
You're gonna work your
way over to their table.
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00:05:53,737 --> 00:05:55,364
Be invisible and totally forgettable...
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00:05:55,364 --> 00:05:56,740
just like that!
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Yes!
180
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,994
You're gonna spy on them and
write down everything they say.
181
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,079
Beverly, part of the reason
182
00:06:02,079 --> 00:06:03,747
that I asked you for coffee today
183
00:06:03,747 --> 00:06:06,249
is I wanted to say that I
no longer want to be roped
184
00:06:06,249 --> 00:06:08,377
into Goldbergs hijinks and shenanigans.
185
00:06:08,377 --> 00:06:09,670
Go-go-go-go-go-go-go!
186
00:06:12,964 --> 00:06:15,550
Oh! Excuse me.
187
00:06:15,550 --> 00:06:17,219
I just accidentally bumped into you
188
00:06:17,219 --> 00:06:18,679
and started this conversation.
189
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:19,888
I... I just gotta get to the men's room.
190
00:06:19,888 --> 00:06:22,265
You're funny,
191
00:06:22,265 --> 00:06:24,184
and I've disarmed you by
giving you a compliment.
192
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:26,186
Now, is that your sister you're with?
193
00:06:26,186 --> 00:06:27,771
What? Oh, uh, no.
194
00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:29,106
Cousin? Landlord?
195
00:06:29,106 --> 00:06:30,732
Some woman you found
confused on the street,
196
00:06:30,732 --> 00:06:31,817
and you're buying her coffee? What?
197
00:06:31,817 --> 00:06:33,318
We're on a date, if you must know.
198
00:06:33,318 --> 00:06:35,654
Oh, you mean like a platonic
work date with no feelings?
199
00:06:35,654 --> 00:06:37,155
Uh, a date date.
200
00:06:37,155 --> 00:06:38,407
That two-timing hussy!
201
00:06:38,407 --> 00:06:39,408
I'm so confused right now.
202
00:06:39,408 --> 00:06:41,576
Well, nobody cares. Just... get...
203
00:06:41,576 --> 00:06:44,955
As my mom raced off to stop
me from my grand gesture...
204
00:06:44,955 --> 00:06:46,832
I will protect my baby!
205
00:06:46,832 --> 00:06:49,167
... across town, Geoff
was looking for evidence
206
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:53,046
- of two-timing of his own.
- Oh, weird. Look who it is!
207
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,589
Geoffrey Olivia Schwartz,
208
00:06:54,589 --> 00:06:56,133
did you use putting our baby to sleep
209
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:57,592
as a way to get me to spy on Barry?
210
00:06:57,592 --> 00:06:58,593
I know something's going on!
211
00:06:58,593 --> 00:07:00,262
I can just feel it!
212
00:07:00,262 --> 00:07:02,055
Look, he's stopping at
that cheesesteak place.
213
00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,348
You know Lainey loves cheesesteaks.
214
00:07:03,348 --> 00:07:04,599
This is dumb.
215
00:07:04,599 --> 00:07:05,725
I brought my birding binoculars.
216
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,018
- And it gets dumber.
- Look!
217
00:07:07,018 --> 00:07:08,395
He's getting two cheesesteaks!
218
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,855
We have to follow that cheese.
219
00:07:09,855 --> 00:07:11,356
Should we have disguises, too?
220
00:07:11,356 --> 00:07:12,357
Way ahead of you.
221
00:07:12,357 --> 00:07:13,525
Let my mom's gardening hats
222
00:07:13,525 --> 00:07:15,735
and my dad's cataract
shades camouflage us!
223
00:07:19,698 --> 00:07:21,241
- Our marriage is weird.
- Mm.
224
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:23,743
And so, they followed
Barry all over town.
225
00:07:23,743 --> 00:07:26,037
Until they ended up here.
226
00:07:26,037 --> 00:07:27,664
He's turning towards that house.
227
00:07:27,664 --> 00:07:28,999
Wait, that's Lainey's house!
228
00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:31,710
Oh!
229
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,630
I can't believe it.
230
00:07:35,630 --> 00:07:37,466
Barry and Lainey...
231
00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:39,301
Oh, why did you make me know this?!
232
00:07:39,301 --> 00:07:40,802
While my sister and
Geoff were getting closer
233
00:07:40,802 --> 00:07:42,721
to the truth about Barry,
234
00:07:42,721 --> 00:07:44,931
I was about to tell Carmen
how truly close to her I felt.
235
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:46,224
- Stop!
- Mom!
236
00:07:46,224 --> 00:07:47,559
What the hell are you doing?
237
00:07:47,559 --> 00:07:48,727
Protecting you!
238
00:07:48,727 --> 00:07:51,021
The grand gesture... abort, abort!
239
00:07:51,021 --> 00:07:52,772
This is way too far.
240
00:07:52,772 --> 00:07:54,065
I know you don't like Carmen, but...
241
00:07:54,065 --> 00:07:58,612
- Adam, I saw her on a date.
- A date?
242
00:07:58,612 --> 00:07:59,863
You must have misunderstood.
243
00:07:59,863 --> 00:08:01,114
I'm telling you, it's true.
244
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,575
Look, I appreciate your concern,
245
00:08:03,575 --> 00:08:05,827
but I'll just talk to
Carmen and clear this up.
246
00:08:05,827 --> 00:08:07,162
- Go home.
- But, Schmoopie Poopie...
247
00:08:07,162 --> 00:08:08,246
Go!
248
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,834
- Was that your mom?
- Yeah.
249
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:15,879
She just was freaking out because, um,
250
00:08:15,879 --> 00:08:18,965
she thought she saw you on
a date with some other guy.
251
00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:20,842
Oh. She saw us?
252
00:08:20,842 --> 00:08:22,427
That's awkward.
253
00:08:22,427 --> 00:08:24,679
So then, you were on a date?
254
00:08:24,679 --> 00:08:26,097
Yeah, but, I mean, it's okay,
255
00:08:26,097 --> 00:08:27,557
'cause you and I are casual, right?
256
00:08:27,557 --> 00:08:30,727
Oh, definitely! Casual!
257
00:08:30,727 --> 00:08:32,687
Wait, why do you have roses?
258
00:08:32,687 --> 00:08:34,064
And what's the cassette?
259
00:08:34,064 --> 00:08:37,567
These roses are... for Carla!
260
00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:38,860
She's had a hard time lately.
261
00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:41,154
Awww. I can totally sell these.
262
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:44,115
And the mixtape is... for Johnny!
263
00:08:44,115 --> 00:08:46,201
- Friendship mix!
- How much Rush is on here?
264
00:08:46,201 --> 00:08:48,370
Somewhere between zero and none.
265
00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:51,039
You don't know me at
all! Friendship rejected!
266
00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:55,293
You... weren't about to do
some big romantic thing for me?
267
00:08:55,293 --> 00:08:57,087
'Cause I don't want
things to be weird for you,
268
00:08:57,087 --> 00:08:58,505
and if they are, then maybe we should...
269
00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,131
Nope! Not weird.
270
00:09:00,131 --> 00:09:02,342
Look, if you can't handle
a casual relationship...
271
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:04,135
Oh, I can handle casual.
272
00:09:04,135 --> 00:09:07,305
If anyone can be
casual, I can be casual.
273
00:09:09,015 --> 00:09:10,892
I can't be casual, Mama!
274
00:09:10,892 --> 00:09:13,019
Don't worry, baby. Mama will protect you
275
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,105
from the nuanced adult relationship.
276
00:09:20,944 --> 00:09:23,029
Erica and Geoff had caught
Barry doing... something,
277
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:24,114
and Erica was pretty worked up
278
00:09:24,114 --> 00:09:25,365
to nail down what it was.
279
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,741
I can't believe it.
280
00:09:26,741 --> 00:09:28,201
If Lainey is having
an affair with Barry,
281
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:29,619
why wouldn't she tell me?
282
00:09:29,619 --> 00:09:31,788
Isn't it more important that
he's cheating on my sister?
283
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,081
Sure. She's not one of us, though.
284
00:09:33,081 --> 00:09:34,875
She's the aunt to your child.
285
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:36,918
Yeah, through marriage, I guess.
286
00:09:36,918 --> 00:09:38,962
Oh, it's Lainey.
287
00:09:38,962 --> 00:09:39,962
I need to get to the bottom of this.
288
00:09:39,963 --> 00:09:41,215
- Now hide!
- Hide?
289
00:09:41,216 --> 00:09:42,383
Yes. This is the kind of thing
290
00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:43,552
only best friends confide in each other!
291
00:09:43,553 --> 00:09:44,553
- Oh!
- Now go!
292
00:09:46,344 --> 00:09:50,390
- Heyyy!
- Hey there best friend,
293
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:51,933
no matter what other things
294
00:09:51,933 --> 00:09:53,343
have transpired in our lives.
295
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,895
How are things going, huh?
296
00:09:54,895 --> 00:09:56,146
Oh, come on, let's get caught up.
297
00:09:56,146 --> 00:09:57,564
Spill our darkest secrets.
298
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:59,482
I wish I had some dark secrets to spill.
299
00:09:59,482 --> 00:10:01,067
I feel like I've been so boring lately.
300
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,319
Look, I'd like to think
that you'll always be
301
00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:04,070
the one person I can trust...
302
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,114
who I can confess anything to.
303
00:10:06,114 --> 00:10:07,657
Aww, of course you can, Erica.
304
00:10:07,657 --> 00:10:10,160
I'm so glad to hear that.
305
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,494
I've been thinking
about cheating on Geoff.
306
00:10:11,494 --> 00:10:12,996
- You?
- What?
307
00:10:12,996 --> 00:10:14,998
I think about being with
another man constantly.
308
00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:17,500
Where I'd meet the guy,
what hotel we'd go to...
309
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,210
the Bay Breeze Inn off 276.
310
00:10:19,210 --> 00:10:21,212
It's close, but also out of the way.
311
00:10:21,212 --> 00:10:23,298
Um, I'm not sure how to respond.
312
00:10:23,298 --> 00:10:24,674
The appropriate response
would be to admit
313
00:10:24,674 --> 00:10:26,134
that you've had some similar feelings
314
00:10:26,134 --> 00:10:28,678
and/or participated in any
infidelities of your own?
315
00:10:28,678 --> 00:10:30,138
- Uh...
- Because I think about cheating
316
00:10:30,138 --> 00:10:32,223
- on Geoff all the time.
- What?
317
00:10:32,223 --> 00:10:34,184
I imagine a strange
man's hands in my hair,
318
00:10:34,184 --> 00:10:36,394
on my body, whispering in my ear.
319
00:10:36,394 --> 00:10:38,021
Do you judge me or do you kinda get it?
320
00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:39,272
You guys seem so happy together.
321
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:41,483
No one can know the
heart of another, right?
322
00:10:41,483 --> 00:10:44,945
Which is why I don't know
yours... so use your words.
323
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:47,030
- Any hanky-panky going on?
- Hanky-panky?
324
00:10:47,030 --> 00:10:48,031
If I were cheating on Geoff,
325
00:10:48,031 --> 00:10:49,824
you'd be the first person I told.
326
00:10:49,824 --> 00:10:51,159
No detail would be spared.
327
00:10:51,159 --> 00:10:52,619
So spill it.
328
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:54,162
- I mean, actually...
- Yes?
329
00:10:54,162 --> 00:10:56,414
I was waiting for
the right moment to tell you
330
00:10:56,414 --> 00:10:59,292
Steve and I broke up recently,
so there's no one to cheat on.
331
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,460
It's been really lonely.
332
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:02,045
- Has it?
- Yes.
333
00:11:02,045 --> 00:11:04,297
And I'm still upset, too.
334
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,967
But I'm really worried
about you right now.
335
00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,511
So let me just get us
some tea and let's dig in.
336
00:11:09,511 --> 00:11:11,930
Just know I care about you, okay?
337
00:11:11,930 --> 00:11:13,932
Well, I care about you, too.
338
00:11:13,932 --> 00:11:15,266
Almost as much as I
want to cheat on Geoff!
339
00:11:17,519 --> 00:11:19,145
What in the actual [bleep]?!
340
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:21,356
You wanted the truth,
right? Well, we got it!
341
00:11:21,356 --> 00:11:22,983
The only truth I've
found out is that my wife
342
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,484
would be great at having an affair!
343
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,987
C'mon! Lainey and Steve broke up.
344
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,905
She's been lonely. The pieces fit.
345
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,074
- I think you were right.
- Oh, poor Joanne.
346
00:11:31,074 --> 00:11:32,075
I've gotta tell her.
347
00:11:32,075 --> 00:11:33,827
No, she will hate you forever.
348
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,704
There's only one way to let her know...
349
00:11:35,704 --> 00:11:37,872
get her to stumble
onto the crime herself.
350
00:11:37,872 --> 00:11:38,999
Oh, that's incredibly harsh.
351
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,583
It's the only way.
352
00:11:40,583 --> 00:11:43,003
Okay, just promise me you'll
never go to that Bay Breeze Inn.
353
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:45,422
- That filthy dump? Never.
- What?
354
00:11:45,422 --> 00:11:47,090
Or anywhere else, obviously.
355
00:11:47,090 --> 00:11:50,093
While Geoff and Erica had
clarity about Barry and Lainey,
356
00:11:50,093 --> 00:11:52,512
Carmen had left me very confused.
357
00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:53,763
Casual?
358
00:11:53,763 --> 00:11:55,306
I mean, I'm a guy
359
00:11:55,306 --> 00:11:56,975
who goes from intense
monogamous relationship
360
00:11:56,975 --> 00:11:58,727
to intense monogamous relationship,
361
00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:00,145
like a normal person!
362
00:12:00,145 --> 00:12:01,938
Are you sure this woman is for you?
363
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,148
She doesn't seem to understand
364
00:12:03,148 --> 00:12:05,525
how special my perfect little angel is.
365
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,652
Look, I have to grow up sometime, Mom,
366
00:12:07,652 --> 00:12:09,195
and I really like Carmen.
367
00:12:09,195 --> 00:12:11,406
So if she wants to be non-exclusive,
368
00:12:11,406 --> 00:12:13,658
I guess I'm just gonna
have to figure out how.
369
00:12:13,658 --> 00:12:15,952
If I may remind you,
you happen to be the son
370
00:12:15,952 --> 00:12:18,204
of the greatest Yenta
the world has ever known.
371
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,206
I don't think I've ever
said this to you before,
372
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:21,416
but I like the way you're thinking.
373
00:12:21,416 --> 00:12:24,335
If my handsome little man
needs to be non-exclusive,
374
00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:28,298
we're gonna show her how
non-exclusive he can be.
375
00:12:28,298 --> 00:12:29,466
It's matchmaking time!
376
00:12:32,218 --> 00:12:35,055
- My mom pulled out all the stops.
- Beverly.
377
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:37,557
She used the phone, the Rolodex...
378
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,809
obvious choices, less obvious choices.
379
00:12:42,312 --> 00:12:45,774
She left no stone unturned
to find me a perfect match.
380
00:12:45,774 --> 00:12:48,068
So, what are we working with?
381
00:12:48,068 --> 00:12:50,737
Lay it on me. Who's lining
up for a dose of Vitamin A?
382
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,614
Lotta interest, um,
383
00:12:52,614 --> 00:12:56,076
but I think this might
not be dating season.
384
00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:57,410
Dating season?
385
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:59,329
You know how many ladies
like to go away on vacation
386
00:12:59,329 --> 00:13:00,789
at the end of February.
387
00:13:00,789 --> 00:13:04,417
Oh, my God. Nobody wanted
to go out with me, did they?
388
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:05,752
You're a bit of a tough sell.
389
00:13:05,752 --> 00:13:07,212
You put off going to college,
390
00:13:07,212 --> 00:13:08,713
you're working part-time in a diner,
391
00:13:08,713 --> 00:13:10,090
you're living at home,
392
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,925
and it does not sweeten the pot
393
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,718
that you're currently
seeing someone else
394
00:13:13,718 --> 00:13:15,762
in a non-exclusive sitch.
395
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:18,515
Now, the only one that might
be a possibility is Essie,
396
00:13:18,515 --> 00:13:20,141
but she said she'd have to think on it.
397
00:13:20,141 --> 00:13:21,142
This is a nightmare!
398
00:13:21,142 --> 00:13:22,352
It's tearing me apart
399
00:13:22,352 --> 00:13:23,853
that the world can't see my boy
400
00:13:23,853 --> 00:13:25,355
for the hot property he is,
401
00:13:25,355 --> 00:13:27,190
even though, in this moment,
402
00:13:27,190 --> 00:13:28,848
to all appearances,
it seems like you're a loser.
403
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:30,902
- Thank you?
- I'll just have to go to Carmen
404
00:13:30,902 --> 00:13:32,873
and let her know we're
ready to be exclusive.
405
00:13:32,874 --> 00:13:34,739
- "We"?
- Then point out all the amazing things
406
00:13:34,739 --> 00:13:36,282
she'll be missing if she doesn't accept
407
00:13:36,282 --> 00:13:37,867
a committed relationship from you.
408
00:13:37,867 --> 00:13:40,578
No. I have to prove to
her that I can be casual.
409
00:13:40,578 --> 00:13:42,121
And how are you supposed to do that?
410
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:44,666
You're the master of the grand gesture.
411
00:13:44,666 --> 00:13:47,085
I can't tell you how
many I've seen from afar
412
00:13:47,085 --> 00:13:49,170
and wished I was the girl in the window.
413
00:13:49,170 --> 00:13:52,465
Yes! Your horrifying and
possibly criminal revelation
414
00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:53,883
has given me an idea!
415
00:13:53,883 --> 00:13:55,218
You run away to the Dominican Republic
416
00:13:55,218 --> 00:13:57,470
- and start fresh?
- So far from that.
417
00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:59,264
But what if I did something bold
418
00:13:59,264 --> 00:14:00,932
to prove to her how chill I am?
419
00:14:00,932 --> 00:14:04,477
You mean like a classic
Adam Goldberg grand gesture,
420
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:08,314
- but... of casualness?
- Exactly.
421
00:14:08,314 --> 00:14:09,816
That is the most brilliant
thing I've ever heard,
422
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:12,360
and I'm certain I'm not being
blinded by a mother's love
423
00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,904
and desperation for you
to never feel rejection.
424
00:14:14,904 --> 00:14:17,240
- Go to her.
- I will!
425
00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:19,450
But, like, not in a rush.
426
00:14:19,450 --> 00:14:21,202
Also, I was sugarcoating it.
427
00:14:21,202 --> 00:14:23,913
It was a hard no from Essie.
428
00:14:23,913 --> 00:14:26,499
As I was off to show Carmen
how chill I could be,
429
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:29,586
Geoff and Erica's
investigation was heating up.
430
00:14:29,586 --> 00:14:30,795
- Jo Jo! Over here!
- Oh!
431
00:14:30,795 --> 00:14:32,255
Ooh! What's going on?
432
00:14:32,255 --> 00:14:34,883
Geoff said you were having
a fashion emergency, Erica?
433
00:14:34,883 --> 00:14:36,676
There's no fashion emergency, Joanne.
434
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,720
Sure, if you say it, then it's true.
435
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,722
Look, you're here because
we have something upsetting
436
00:14:40,722 --> 00:14:41,973
to show you.
437
00:14:41,973 --> 00:14:43,057
We're sorry, but my brother's
438
00:14:43,057 --> 00:14:44,559
having an affair with Lainey.
439
00:14:44,559 --> 00:14:47,270
Puh-leeze. I'll believe
that when I see it.
440
00:14:47,270 --> 00:14:49,397
Barry's in there right now
with Lainey. We saw him go in.
441
00:14:49,397 --> 00:14:51,399
But he just told me he was
going to the library to study.
442
00:14:51,399 --> 00:14:52,942
That in itself should've
been a big clue.
443
00:14:52,942 --> 00:14:53,943
Hey, guys.
444
00:14:53,943 --> 00:14:55,236
- Gah!
- Lainey?!
445
00:14:55,236 --> 00:14:57,447
Why are you talking
behind the Metcalfs' hedge?
446
00:14:57,447 --> 00:15:01,075
Wait, but if you're not in
there, what's Barry doing?
447
00:15:01,075 --> 00:15:02,410
Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
448
00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:06,414
- What the hell?
- Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
449
00:15:06,414 --> 00:15:08,499
- Barry?!
- Ca... Huh?
450
00:15:08,499 --> 00:15:10,919
Ah! This isn't what it looks like, baby!
451
00:15:10,919 --> 00:15:12,962
I honestly have no
idea what it looks like.
452
00:15:12,962 --> 00:15:16,132
As things with Barry developed
an unexpected wrinkle,
453
00:15:16,132 --> 00:15:17,467
I was ready to iron things out
454
00:15:17,467 --> 00:15:19,969
with Carmen... casually, of course.
455
00:15:19,969 --> 00:15:21,930
♪ Round and round, round and round ♪
456
00:15:21,930 --> 00:15:24,766
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round ♪
457
00:15:24,766 --> 00:15:28,353
♪ All through the town ♪
458
00:15:29,771 --> 00:15:31,940
Adam?
459
00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:33,232
♪ The wipers on the bus go... ♪
460
00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:35,276
Heyyy!
461
00:15:35,276 --> 00:15:36,986
I was just wandering
through your neighborhood,
462
00:15:36,986 --> 00:15:38,613
and I'd like to make clear...
463
00:15:38,613 --> 00:15:41,658
walking, not running, and
absolutely not in the rain.
464
00:15:41,658 --> 00:15:43,117
What's with the step stool?
465
00:15:43,117 --> 00:15:44,953
See, normally when I'm dating someone,
466
00:15:44,953 --> 00:15:47,872
I'll scale a trellis
to their bedroom window.
467
00:15:47,872 --> 00:15:50,166
But as we are both being casual,
468
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,085
thought it seemed a little much.
469
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:54,587
So instead, I brought a step stool
470
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,756
to chat with you near your toilet.
471
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,257
Wanna explain the boombox?
472
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:01,177
Usually that'd be playing
a Peter Gabriel ballad,
473
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:03,262
but since we're in a non-exclusive,
474
00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,973
super-laid-back thing,
475
00:16:04,973 --> 00:16:06,599
I'm playing "The Wheels on the Bus."
476
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:10,979
So you came to my window with
a step stool and a boombox
477
00:16:10,979 --> 00:16:12,855
to profess your ability
478
00:16:12,855 --> 00:16:15,108
to be in a casual relationship?
479
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:18,903
Adam...
480
00:16:18,903 --> 00:16:22,031
Yeah, it's not great.
481
00:16:23,574 --> 00:16:26,869
The truth is, I'm not built
for a casual relationship.
482
00:16:28,079 --> 00:16:31,457
I like you... a lot.
483
00:16:31,457 --> 00:16:34,836
And I don't want to play
it cool or see other people.
484
00:16:34,836 --> 00:16:38,381
I want to jump in, cast
caution to the wind,
485
00:16:38,381 --> 00:16:39,716
and see where we land.
486
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:44,012
It's just who I am.
487
00:16:44,012 --> 00:16:46,055
Sorry I made it weird.
488
00:16:46,055 --> 00:16:48,850
Unfortunately, that's also who I am.
489
00:16:57,308 --> 00:16:58,601
So it turned out Barry
490
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,269
wasn't having an affair with Lainey,
491
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,448
but he did have a secret
relationship with her dad, Bill,
492
00:17:03,448 --> 00:17:05,241
which left us with even more questions.
493
00:17:05,241 --> 00:17:07,910
It all started the day of
the Eagles-Cowboys game.
494
00:17:07,910 --> 00:17:09,412
We were both going to a bar
495
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:11,164
'cause we had no one
to watch the game with.
496
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,750
So Bill suggested we
go back to his house
497
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:15,376
so we can enjoy it together.
498
00:17:15,376 --> 00:17:19,047
And to our surprise, we
had a magical day together.
499
00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:20,548
We both thought it was a one-time thing,
500
00:17:20,548 --> 00:17:23,217
but, dammit, we could not
get enough of each other.
501
00:17:23,217 --> 00:17:25,970
- It just felt too good.
- So good.
502
00:17:25,970 --> 00:17:27,972
After a while, we'd
watch any random sport
503
00:17:27,972 --> 00:17:29,932
as an excuse to spend time together...
504
00:17:29,932 --> 00:17:33,144
handball, badminton, water polo.
505
00:17:33,144 --> 00:17:35,730
We even watched Olympic
women's Ping-Pong.
506
00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:37,398
It was like a drug.
507
00:17:37,398 --> 00:17:40,026
We started to build up
our own private jokes,
508
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,903
traditions, and superstitions...
509
00:17:41,903 --> 00:17:43,363
So that's what we just saw?
510
00:17:43,363 --> 00:17:46,366
I know we're caught,
but I'd do it all again
511
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:49,035
- a million times over.
- Me too.
512
00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:50,161
Why'd you hide it?
513
00:17:50,161 --> 00:17:52,205
Truthfully, we knew it wouldn't last.
514
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,208
- I mean, we have nothing in common.
- No.
515
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,919
Maybe you have more in
common than you think.
516
00:17:57,919 --> 00:17:59,420
You're both missing
someone in your lives
517
00:17:59,420 --> 00:18:01,464
you used to share sports with.
518
00:18:01,464 --> 00:18:03,591
- Dad.
- Mur-man.
519
00:18:03,591 --> 00:18:06,886
And in some twisted way, this
is how you're dealing with it.
520
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,971
Dad and I used to share
the lows and extra lows
521
00:18:08,971 --> 00:18:10,848
of Philadelphia sports together.
522
00:18:10,848 --> 00:18:13,017
Mur and I could sit together for hours
523
00:18:13,017 --> 00:18:14,227
and not say a thing,
524
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,562
unless my Cowboys were
playing his Eagles.
525
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:20,650
Then he would insult my
family, my honor, my body shape.
526
00:18:20,650 --> 00:18:21,859
I loved it so much.
527
00:18:21,859 --> 00:18:23,444
I guess it's over now.
528
00:18:23,444 --> 00:18:24,821
Don't be stupid.
529
00:18:24,821 --> 00:18:25,863
You can still hang out.
530
00:18:25,863 --> 00:18:27,323
Boys are so dumb.
531
00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,699
You mean...?
532
00:18:28,699 --> 00:18:31,119
Gentlemen sports-time is back on!
533
00:18:31,119 --> 00:18:33,204
And no longer in the shadows!
534
00:18:35,665 --> 00:18:37,917
- Oh.
- Ca-caw! Ca-caw!
535
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:41,629
Maybe a little shadow wouldn't hurt.
536
00:18:41,629 --> 00:18:44,465
Speaking of, you thought
I was cheating with Barry?
537
00:18:44,465 --> 00:18:45,800
I know it's ridiculous,
538
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,052
but I feel like our lives
are so different now...
539
00:18:48,052 --> 00:18:50,138
Maybe you wouldn't tell me.
540
00:18:50,138 --> 00:18:51,973
Are you kidding? I
would tell you anything.
541
00:18:51,973 --> 00:18:54,934
You're my best friend.
542
00:18:57,186 --> 00:18:59,647
While Barry and Bill took
their weird man crush
543
00:18:59,647 --> 00:19:01,149
out of the shadows,
544
00:19:01,149 --> 00:19:04,318
my future with Carmen
was nothing but darkness.
545
00:19:04,318 --> 00:19:06,571
Hey, Schmoo, I've got
some Rice Krispie Treats
546
00:19:06,571 --> 00:19:08,030
if you're interested.
547
00:19:08,030 --> 00:19:10,700
Thanks, but I'm not really in
the mood for snackies right now.
548
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:13,286
I know this didn't go the
way you wanted it to, sweetie,
549
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,787
but it's always more mature
550
00:19:14,787 --> 00:19:17,290
to just show people who you really are.
551
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:21,169
Well, the real me is
gonna be sad for a while.
552
00:19:21,169 --> 00:19:23,212
I know you don't care what I think,
553
00:19:23,212 --> 00:19:24,839
but I love the real you.
554
00:19:28,759 --> 00:19:31,095
♪ The wheels on
the bus go round and round ♪
555
00:19:31,095 --> 00:19:33,514
- What's that?
- ♪ Round and round, round and round ♪
556
00:19:33,514 --> 00:19:35,475
♪ The wheels on the bus
go round and round... ♪
557
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,475
Carmen?
558
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:39,604
Hey. I was just in the neighborhood,
559
00:19:39,604 --> 00:19:42,523
decided to swing by, all casual-like.
560
00:19:42,523 --> 00:19:43,816
I'll come down.
561
00:19:48,446 --> 00:19:51,240
You know, I have never had
a guy show up to my window
562
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:53,534
with a step stool and
a boombox like that.
563
00:19:53,534 --> 00:19:55,620
Really? You should have a million guys
564
00:19:55,620 --> 00:19:56,620
outside your window.
565
00:19:57,538 --> 00:20:00,666
Not a million. The appropriate amount.
566
00:20:00,666 --> 00:20:02,460
Why don't you talk now?
567
00:20:02,460 --> 00:20:04,128
And the reason I wanted
to draw the line at casual
568
00:20:04,128 --> 00:20:06,214
is 'cause I just got
out of a relationship,
569
00:20:06,214 --> 00:20:09,342
and I'm not ready to be hurt again.
570
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:12,637
- I get it.
- The thing is...
571
00:20:12,637 --> 00:20:15,765
I know you are not the kind
of guy who's going to hurt me.
572
00:20:15,765 --> 00:20:18,226
So...
573
00:20:18,226 --> 00:20:20,561
we can be exclusive
and see where it goes.
574
00:20:20,561 --> 00:20:22,438
I think I can make that work.
575
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:25,983
You think you could still show me
576
00:20:25,983 --> 00:20:27,693
what an Adam Goldberg
grand gesture is like?
577
00:20:27,693 --> 00:20:29,445
I would love to.
578
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:33,658
Relationships
can be complicated.
579
00:20:33,658 --> 00:20:35,743
Just when you think you're
getting close to someone,
580
00:20:35,743 --> 00:20:36,994
they can pull away.
581
00:20:36,994 --> 00:20:38,996
♪ Lights that flash in the evening ♪
582
00:20:38,996 --> 00:20:41,999
But as long as you show
people who you really are,
583
00:20:41,999 --> 00:20:44,502
you'll find even casual acquaintances
584
00:20:44,502 --> 00:20:46,128
can become like family.
585
00:20:46,128 --> 00:20:47,129
- Whoo!
- Touchdown!
586
00:20:47,129 --> 00:20:50,791
♪ I can't hardly wait ♪
587
00:20:52,718 --> 00:20:54,929
So, your incredibly specific tale
588
00:20:54,929 --> 00:20:56,430
of infidelity got me thinking.
589
00:20:56,430 --> 00:20:58,266
You're not the only one who
can spin a convincing yarn
590
00:20:58,266 --> 00:20:59,642
about a torrid dalliance.
591
00:20:59,642 --> 00:21:01,852
Alright. Get whatever
this is out of your system.
592
00:21:01,852 --> 00:21:04,855
I'm just saying, I, too,
know an out-of-the-way motel
593
00:21:04,855 --> 00:21:07,024
where the touching of
non-wives may occur.
594
00:21:07,024 --> 00:21:09,026
Oh, no. I feel super threatened.
595
00:21:09,026 --> 00:21:10,528
That's right. I would do some touching.
596
00:21:10,528 --> 00:21:13,531
- Could you possibly be more specific?
- Happily.
597
00:21:13,531 --> 00:21:16,117
Know that said touching
would be the touching
598
00:21:16,117 --> 00:21:18,744
- of an unfamiliar female person...
- Uh-huh.
599
00:21:18,744 --> 00:21:21,289
And perhaps, if her hands are clean,
600
00:21:21,289 --> 00:21:23,583
underneath this rugby shirt.
601
00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,001
You're incredibly bad at this.
602
00:21:25,001 --> 00:21:26,294
Please never leave me.
603
00:21:26,785 --> 00:21:31,785
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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