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1
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Hi.
2
00:00:03,353 --> 00:00:05,820
This is Jeff;
Jeff Strongman.
3
00:00:06,889 --> 00:00:08,523
So what happened
between you and your girl?
4
00:00:08,525 --> 00:00:11,426
She wanted to get married and
I'm just not sure I'm ready.
5
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:13,061
It's the same reason
I lost Lyndsey.
6
00:00:13,063 --> 00:00:14,662
It's like we were
dating the same woman.
7
00:00:14,664 --> 00:00:17,499
I am gonna ask Lyndsey
to marry me.
8
00:00:18,134 --> 00:00:19,534
Lyndsey MacElroy...
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00:00:19,536 --> 00:00:20,769
will you marry me?
10
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:22,704
Yes! I will marry you!
11
00:00:22,706 --> 00:00:24,973
Everything you need to know
is right in here.
12
00:00:24,975 --> 00:00:28,410
Somebody gave me
a billion dollar idea--
13
00:00:28,412 --> 00:00:29,878
thought controlled computing.
14
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:31,212
We have so much work to do
15
00:00:31,214 --> 00:00:33,181
and all I can think about
is you and me-- wow...
16
00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:34,749
Gotta stop thinking about sex.
17
00:00:34,751 --> 00:00:36,384
This is Walden Schmidt
saying--
18
00:00:36,386 --> 00:00:38,153
Pudding.
19
00:00:38,155 --> 00:00:40,098
I think the computer
just read his thoughts!
20
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:40,856
It worked.
21
00:00:40,857 --> 00:00:42,624
Yes!
22
00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:44,626
Someone's not wearing a bra.
23
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,895
♪ Men. ♪
24
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This is great!
25
00:00:48,638 --> 00:00:50,004
My best friend, my fiancée
26
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and a great bottle
of French wine.
27
00:00:51,608 --> 00:00:54,175
Uh, uh, technically
it's French Canadian.
28
00:00:54,177 --> 00:00:56,143
Uh, it's called
"Two-buck Canuck,"
29
00:00:56,145 --> 00:00:59,080
and, uh, it's not wine,
it's wine-ish.
30
00:00:59,082 --> 00:01:00,715
Um, but it still gets
the panties on the floor,
31
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if you know
what I'm talking about.
32
00:01:03,252 --> 00:01:05,052
Maybe you should have
another glass, Lyndsey.
33
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I'm good.
34
00:01:06,122 --> 00:01:07,788
Hey, uh, how about you, Larry?
35
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No, I'm not wearing panties.
36
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All righty, so, uh,
guess we're done with this.
37
00:01:14,364 --> 00:01:15,763
So...
38
00:01:15,765 --> 00:01:17,632
how long of an engagement
are you guys planning?
39
00:01:17,634 --> 00:01:19,033
Uh, two years? Five years?
40
00:01:19,035 --> 00:01:20,968
I mean, you know, there's
no rush to start a family.
41
00:01:20,970 --> 00:01:22,603
I mean, after all, uh,
42
00:01:22,605 --> 00:01:25,106
Lyndsey's well beyond
her child-bearing age.
43
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Well, we have talked about
adopting a baby from China.
44
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Oh!
45
00:01:29,438 --> 00:01:30,679
Course, then we'd
have to teach it English,
46
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which seems like a lot of work.
47
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Would you mind
getting desert, sweetie?
48
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Sure.
Sure.
49
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Um, kidding.
50
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Uh, this one's on you, sweetie.
51
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All right, but no funny business
while I'm gone.
52
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I'll know, Jeff.
53
00:01:45,962 --> 00:01:47,361
You haven't so far.
54
00:01:47,363 --> 00:01:49,030
I've been banging this one
for months.
55
00:01:52,135 --> 00:01:53,300
Oh...!
I love this guy!
56
00:01:53,302 --> 00:01:55,002
She does too!
57
00:01:57,439 --> 00:01:58,773
Isn't this fun?
58
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Yeah. It's great.
59
00:02:00,643 --> 00:02:02,610
Why the hell are you here?
60
00:02:02,612 --> 00:02:03,744
Larry asked me to dinner.
61
00:02:03,746 --> 00:02:05,312
What was I supposed to say?
62
00:02:05,314 --> 00:02:07,014
That you couldn't come.
That you had to work.
63
00:02:07,016 --> 00:02:08,449
That you're not really
Jeff Strongman
64
00:02:08,451 --> 00:02:10,351
and your entire friendship
is a lie.
65
00:02:10,353 --> 00:02:12,386
That I had to work--
that's a good one.
66
00:02:14,390 --> 00:02:17,892
Alan, this wedding
is very important to me.
67
00:02:17,894 --> 00:02:19,927
If you still have
any feelings for me at all,
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00:02:19,929 --> 00:02:21,729
you will let me have this day.
69
00:02:21,731 --> 00:02:22,997
Fine.
70
00:02:23,832 --> 00:02:24,932
I shan't go.
71
00:02:26,369 --> 00:02:27,802
But good luck getting
the Chicken Dance
72
00:02:27,804 --> 00:02:29,336
started without me.
73
00:02:31,673 --> 00:02:33,541
Hey, Jeff, you want
a piece of Lyndsey's pie?
74
00:02:33,543 --> 00:02:35,910
There's no way
I can eat it all myself.
75
00:02:35,912 --> 00:02:37,344
I don't know.
76
00:02:37,346 --> 00:02:38,979
Last time I had some,
there was a hair in it.
77
00:02:38,981 --> 00:02:42,783
Jeff was actually just saying
that he's got to get going.
78
00:02:42,785 --> 00:02:44,351
Mm.
Really? Oh.
79
00:02:44,353 --> 00:02:45,753
Well, then I'll
make this quick.
80
00:02:45,755 --> 00:02:48,422
I know we haven't known
each other for a long time,
81
00:02:48,424 --> 00:02:50,257
but I feel like
we share a lot.
82
00:02:50,259 --> 00:02:52,126
M-More than you know.
83
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:54,261
So I was wondering
if you'd do me the honor
84
00:02:54,263 --> 00:02:55,396
of being my best man?
85
00:02:55,398 --> 00:02:56,997
What?!
What?!
86
00:02:56,999 --> 00:02:58,199
What do you say?
87
00:02:58,201 --> 00:03:00,000
I... say...
88
00:03:00,869 --> 00:03:01,936
...you've made me
the happiest
89
00:03:01,938 --> 00:03:03,003
person in the world-- yes!
90
00:03:05,475 --> 00:03:08,175
You sure? Don't you want to
take a moment to think about it?
91
00:03:08,177 --> 00:03:09,376
What is there
to think about?
92
00:03:09,378 --> 00:03:10,544
You know, you could
change my name from
93
00:03:10,546 --> 00:03:12,580
"Jeff Strongman",
to "Jeff Best Man."
94
00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:15,516
That's the kind of stuff
I want in your toast!
95
00:03:15,518 --> 00:03:17,318
And this is the
kind of stuff
96
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:18,853
you're gonna get
on the dance floor:
97
00:03:25,161 --> 00:03:27,728
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
98
00:03:27,730 --> 00:03:28,397
♪ Ah.
♪ Men.♪
99
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♪ Two and a Half Men 11x16 ♪
How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
Original Air Date on March 6, 2014
100
00:03:32,399 --> 00:03:37,399
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
101
00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:38,734
♪ Men. ♪
102
00:03:40,612 --> 00:03:41,813
Oh. Oh. Wait.
103
00:03:45,284 --> 00:03:46,684
Hey, good lookin'.
104
00:03:46,686 --> 00:03:48,052
Whatcha got cookin'?
105
00:03:49,755 --> 00:03:50,688
Pot brownies.
106
00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:51,956
What the hell is that?
107
00:03:51,958 --> 00:03:53,758
It's a new project
108
00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:54,692
I'm working on.
109
00:03:54,694 --> 00:03:56,494
It enables a computer
110
00:03:56,496 --> 00:03:58,029
to read my mind
111
00:03:58,031 --> 00:04:00,031
and then talk to you.
112
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,899
Why can't you just talk to me?
113
00:04:01,901 --> 00:04:05,136
Because, I...
114
00:04:05,138 --> 00:04:07,872
and this... shut up.
115
00:04:09,274 --> 00:04:10,575
Come on, try it.
I think it's big enough.
116
00:04:10,577 --> 00:04:11,542
I think it'll fit.
117
00:04:11,544 --> 00:04:13,578
The last time someone said that,
118
00:04:13,580 --> 00:04:16,347
I ended up pregnant
with my first daughter.
119
00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:20,151
Hey... I got good news.
120
00:04:20,153 --> 00:04:23,487
I'm paid to pick up your crap,
not listen to it.
121
00:04:24,423 --> 00:04:27,525
Guess who Larry asked
to be his best man?
122
00:04:27,527 --> 00:04:30,194
One of his friends
who's actually real?
123
00:04:30,196 --> 00:04:33,531
Jeff Strongman is like butter
on movie theater popcorn.
124
00:04:33,533 --> 00:04:36,434
He may not be real,
but he's delicious nonetheless.
125
00:04:36,436 --> 00:04:38,402
Okay, so, let me
get this straight:
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00:04:38,404 --> 00:04:40,605
your alter ego,
Mm-hmm.
127
00:04:40,607 --> 00:04:42,073
is going to be the best man
128
00:04:42,075 --> 00:04:43,674
at the wedding of your lover...
129
00:04:43,676 --> 00:04:45,109
and another guy?
130
00:04:45,111 --> 00:04:47,111
When you put it like that,
it sounds like
131
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a soap opera on Telemundo.
132
00:04:49,649 --> 00:04:50,982
Señor Strongman, why do you
133
00:04:50,984 --> 00:04:53,351
make love to
the woman of the man you love?
134
00:04:54,786 --> 00:04:56,621
Lyndsey?
Are you insane?
135
00:04:56,623 --> 00:04:59,824
Oh, si, Señor Strongmanes muy loco.
136
00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,061
How could you say "yes",
to being Larry's best man?
137
00:05:04,063 --> 00:05:05,463
I don't know. I got excited.
138
00:05:05,465 --> 00:05:07,932
And you and I both know
when I get excited, I tend to...
139
00:05:07,934 --> 00:05:09,367
react prematurely.
140
00:05:09,369 --> 00:05:11,769
Why would you even want to go?
141
00:05:11,771 --> 00:05:13,170
Are you kidding me?!
142
00:05:13,172 --> 00:05:14,872
I mean, just 'cause
you're mad at me right now
143
00:05:14,874 --> 00:05:16,841
doesn't mean I'm going to miss
the wedding of someone I love.
144
00:05:16,843 --> 00:05:19,410
Aw... that's very sweet.
145
00:05:19,412 --> 00:05:20,811
I was talking about Larry.
146
00:05:20,813 --> 00:05:21,812
Oh!
Ow!
147
00:05:21,814 --> 00:05:23,247
Ah! Dios mío!
148
00:05:25,217 --> 00:05:27,985
Alan, I don't care
how you do it,
149
00:05:27,987 --> 00:05:29,787
fake Jeff Strongman's death--
150
00:05:29,789 --> 00:05:31,255
actually die.
151
00:05:31,257 --> 00:05:32,924
You will not be at my wedding.
152
00:05:39,232 --> 00:05:44,068
She will be back here in three
seconds looking for make-up sex.
153
00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:47,271
One...
154
00:05:47,273 --> 00:05:48,572
Two...
155
00:05:52,411 --> 00:05:54,178
Three.
156
00:05:55,447 --> 00:05:57,381
Three.
157
00:05:59,785 --> 00:06:01,185
You're an idiot.
158
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:04,956
I'm, um, I'm sorry.
159
00:06:04,958 --> 00:06:06,123
That was wrong.
160
00:06:06,125 --> 00:06:08,225
Tú eres una idiota.
161
00:06:08,227 --> 00:06:10,628
♪ Men. ♪
162
00:06:11,930 --> 00:06:14,165
All right, Bill Gates...
163
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:16,300
Steve Wozniak...
164
00:06:16,302 --> 00:06:17,435
and Mark Zuckerberg.
165
00:06:17,437 --> 00:06:18,903
Ooh, that's a tough one.
Yeah.
166
00:06:18,905 --> 00:06:21,072
I'd definitely kill
Mark Zuckerberg...
167
00:06:22,374 --> 00:06:24,809
...bang Bill Gates,
marry Steve Wozniak.
168
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,378
What?! That's crazy.
169
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:30,281
I mean, yes,
you have to kill Zuckerberg.
170
00:06:30,283 --> 00:06:31,615
But you gotta marry Bill.
171
00:06:31,617 --> 00:06:32,750
I mean, I've seen it before,
172
00:06:32,752 --> 00:06:34,318
he is gonna
take those glasses off
173
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:36,387
and shake is hair loose
and you're gonna be like,
174
00:06:36,389 --> 00:06:38,823
"Where did this guy come from?"
175
00:06:38,825 --> 00:06:41,158
I hear you, but I'm still
marrying Woz.
176
00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:42,626
I'm a boob man.
177
00:06:43,628 --> 00:06:45,730
Are you guys playing
"Bang, Marry, Kill" again?
178
00:06:45,732 --> 00:06:48,132
'Cause if you are,
I've got one for you:
179
00:06:48,134 --> 00:06:52,003
Angelina Jolie,
Mila Kunis and me.
180
00:06:52,005 --> 00:06:53,237
I would kill you
181
00:06:53,239 --> 00:06:55,573
by banging you to death
on our honeymoon.
182
00:06:55,575 --> 00:06:57,108
Aw...
183
00:06:57,110 --> 00:07:00,144
And then after the funeral,
Angelina Jolie.
184
00:07:01,546 --> 00:07:04,115
I would love to bang Mila Kunis.
185
00:07:06,084 --> 00:07:07,852
Not gonna happen, Barry.
186
00:07:08,587 --> 00:07:10,254
All right. I'm out of here.
187
00:07:10,256 --> 00:07:11,889
I thought we were
gonna grab some dinner.
188
00:07:11,891 --> 00:07:14,025
I can't. I got a thing.
189
00:07:14,027 --> 00:07:15,393
You got a thing. I got a thing.
190
00:07:15,395 --> 00:07:17,528
We put our things together,
we have some fun.
191
00:07:18,597 --> 00:07:19,563
Hey, every time
I say stuff like that,
192
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,931
I get pepper sprayed.
193
00:07:20,933 --> 00:07:24,969
That was one time, Barry and
my mom still feels bad about it.
194
00:07:26,304 --> 00:07:28,639
I'll make it up to you tomorrow,
I promise.
195
00:07:29,775 --> 00:07:31,575
What's your mom up to
these days?
196
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,110
Shut up, Barry.
197
00:07:33,112 --> 00:07:35,012
Better hope I don't
run into Mila Kunis.
198
00:07:35,014 --> 00:07:36,981
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
199
00:07:38,116 --> 00:07:40,217
♪ Men. ♪
200
00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:43,554
Hey! There's my best man!
201
00:07:43,556 --> 00:07:45,756
Groom goes the dynamite.
202
00:07:46,726 --> 00:07:48,492
Come on in.
203
00:07:48,494 --> 00:07:51,128
I've got some beer on ice
and sports on ice.
204
00:07:51,130 --> 00:07:52,363
Oh, yeah! You're right!
205
00:07:52,365 --> 00:07:54,632
Uh, tonight's the finals
of the pairs ice dancing.
206
00:07:56,436 --> 00:07:57,668
You're hilarious.
207
00:07:57,670 --> 00:07:59,203
Hey, you got to do
this gay character
208
00:07:59,205 --> 00:08:00,604
in your best man toast.
209
00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:03,040
Uh, about that,
you know I'm-I'm-I'm not sure
210
00:08:03,042 --> 00:08:05,643
that I'm the right person
to be your best man.
211
00:08:05,645 --> 00:08:08,112
I'll probably just end up
drinking too much
212
00:08:08,114 --> 00:08:10,247
and getting yelled at
by the bride
213
00:08:10,249 --> 00:08:12,416
and singing a tearful,
yet moving version of
214
00:08:12,418 --> 00:08:13,918
"All by Myself."
215
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,754
At least, that's
what happened at my wedding.
216
00:08:16,756 --> 00:08:18,589
Well, you're not getting
cold feet, are you, buddy?
217
00:08:18,591 --> 00:08:20,558
Well, no, it's just
that it's your special day.
218
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,860
I mean, y-you sure that there
isn't somebody more deserving
219
00:08:22,862 --> 00:08:23,928
to be your best man?
220
00:08:23,930 --> 00:08:26,097
A-a-a brother?
A college roommate?
221
00:08:26,099 --> 00:08:27,731
Someone who knows
your last name?
222
00:08:27,733 --> 00:08:30,101
God, you're a riot.
223
00:08:30,103 --> 00:08:31,268
There's nobody
I'd rather stand with
224
00:08:31,270 --> 00:08:32,570
at that altar than you, Jeff.
225
00:08:32,572 --> 00:08:35,439
Why do you have to be
so darn sweet?
226
00:08:35,441 --> 00:08:36,941
Plus, I'm counting on you
to help me out
227
00:08:36,943 --> 00:08:38,442
with the most important part
of this wedding--
228
00:08:38,444 --> 00:08:40,678
bachelor party.
Outfits.
229
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,347
I was thinking black tie.
230
00:08:43,349 --> 00:08:46,016
Sure, black girls, Thai girls,
whatever you want.
231
00:08:46,918 --> 00:08:49,920
Larry, where can I
put this poop?
232
00:08:49,922 --> 00:08:52,723
Ooh!
And who do we have here?
233
00:08:53,692 --> 00:08:55,426
This is my sister Gretchen.
She just moved here.
234
00:08:55,428 --> 00:08:56,994
Gretchen,
this is Jeff Strongman.
235
00:08:56,996 --> 00:08:58,028
Oh, yeah!
236
00:08:58,030 --> 00:08:58,996
Hey, from what I hear,
237
00:08:58,998 --> 00:09:00,297
I should call you
"Jeff Best Man."
238
00:09:00,299 --> 00:09:03,534
Oh, my God, that's what I said.
239
00:09:03,536 --> 00:09:05,169
Um, so, where's your dog?
240
00:09:05,171 --> 00:09:07,304
In the garage
trying to wipe his ass.
241
00:09:08,507 --> 00:09:10,007
Now, I couldn't find the trash.
242
00:09:10,009 --> 00:09:11,976
It's out back.
I got it.
243
00:09:11,978 --> 00:09:13,077
You can tell I love her,
244
00:09:13,079 --> 00:09:14,578
'cause I take
a lot of crap from her.
245
00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:16,814
Get it? Crap.
246
00:09:18,184 --> 00:09:20,050
And he's Mom's favorite.
247
00:09:20,052 --> 00:09:22,586
I hear you.
Luckily, my brother's dead.
248
00:09:22,588 --> 00:09:24,855
Oh.
So...
249
00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:26,690
uh... uh, you just moved here?
250
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,125
Yeah. My brother's
letting me crash here.
251
00:09:28,127 --> 00:09:30,294
I told him it was just
for a couple days,
252
00:09:30,296 --> 00:09:32,830
but, between you and me,
it's a pretty sweet deal.
253
00:09:32,832 --> 00:09:34,498
Huh. I should try that.
254
00:09:35,500 --> 00:09:36,500
Part of me thinks
255
00:09:36,502 --> 00:09:37,868
I should just stay here
till he dies.
256
00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:39,670
Why stop there?
257
00:09:39,672 --> 00:09:41,672
Why not move in with
the next guy who buys the house?
258
00:09:41,674 --> 00:09:42,740
Yeah.
259
00:09:42,742 --> 00:09:43,841
So, uh, what do you do?
260
00:09:43,843 --> 00:09:45,509
I'm a vet.
I moved out here
261
00:09:45,511 --> 00:09:46,511
to run an animal shelter.
262
00:09:46,512 --> 00:09:49,013
Oh... so that
tasteful sports bra
263
00:09:49,015 --> 00:09:50,047
covers a tender heart?
264
00:09:50,049 --> 00:09:52,216
Well, the puppies at the shelter
265
00:09:52,218 --> 00:09:54,385
aren't the only ones
that need support.
266
00:09:54,387 --> 00:09:57,087
Well, I'd uh, I'd love to meet
your furry little friend.
267
00:09:57,089 --> 00:09:58,088
Oh.
268
00:09:58,090 --> 00:09:59,757
I mean, I'm talking
about the dog.
269
00:09:59,759 --> 00:10:00,858
Um...
270
00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:02,493
Not that I don't
want to meet--
271
00:10:02,495 --> 00:10:04,195
Never mind, uh...
272
00:10:04,197 --> 00:10:05,496
So, you run a shelter?
273
00:10:05,498 --> 00:10:07,431
Yeah. I've always had
a soft spot for strays
274
00:10:07,433 --> 00:10:09,066
that no one else wanted
to take in.
275
00:10:11,771 --> 00:10:13,804
♪ Men. ♪
276
00:10:13,806 --> 00:10:14,598
Hey.
277
00:10:14,623 --> 00:10:16,975
Ho, ho, ho-- somebody
is gettin' laid tonight.
278
00:10:16,976 --> 00:10:18,509
Thank you.
279
00:10:18,511 --> 00:10:19,810
No, not you.
280
00:10:19,812 --> 00:10:22,146
I just found a late night
booty call on Craigslist.
281
00:10:22,148 --> 00:10:24,181
Hello, BoobaFett420.
282
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:26,250
You know, Barry,
283
00:10:26,252 --> 00:10:28,719
sometimes the picture
isn't who you get.
284
00:10:28,721 --> 00:10:30,087
Oh, tell me about it.
285
00:10:30,089 --> 00:10:31,889
I used your picture.
286
00:10:31,891 --> 00:10:33,557
Where's Nicole?
287
00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:34,558
Ugh. Nicole.
288
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:36,293
Yikes.
289
00:10:36,295 --> 00:10:37,995
This is gonna be tough.
What happened?
290
00:10:37,997 --> 00:10:40,397
She's dead.
What?
291
00:10:40,399 --> 00:10:41,732
No, she just blew you off again.
292
00:10:41,734 --> 00:10:43,968
I was just trying
to soften the blow.
293
00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:46,503
The second time she canceled.
294
00:10:46,505 --> 00:10:49,206
Something's going on.
295
00:10:49,208 --> 00:10:50,441
Look, I'm sure there is
296
00:10:50,443 --> 00:10:51,875
a perfectly reasonable
explanation.
297
00:10:51,877 --> 00:10:53,177
She say anything?
298
00:10:53,179 --> 00:10:54,612
Just that she would
call you later.
299
00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:56,747
But on the plus side,
I'm available now.
300
00:10:56,749 --> 00:10:59,116
Dave and Buster's, party of two.
301
00:10:59,118 --> 00:11:00,551
We're not going
to Dave and Buster's.
302
00:11:00,553 --> 00:11:02,086
We're gonna track down
my girlfriend.
303
00:11:02,088 --> 00:11:04,088
Now shut up and get in the car.
304
00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:07,358
Oh, my God,
you sound just like my dad.
305
00:11:08,059 --> 00:11:10,394
♪ Men. ♪
306
00:11:10,396 --> 00:11:12,329
This is impressive.
307
00:11:12,331 --> 00:11:14,365
How'd you track her down
at the restaurant?
308
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:17,401
GPS? Triangulate
the cell phone signal?
309
00:11:17,403 --> 00:11:20,604
No, she asked me to make
the reservations for her.
310
00:11:23,109 --> 00:11:25,476
Look at her in there.
311
00:11:25,478 --> 00:11:27,778
Happy as can be.
312
00:11:27,780 --> 00:11:31,181
I'll have an order of
seared Walden's Heart.
313
00:11:31,183 --> 00:11:33,851
Hold the trust and honesty.
314
00:11:33,853 --> 00:11:36,820
Okay, okay, let me try one.
315
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:39,123
You know, honey,
I'm worried about Bobby.
316
00:11:39,125 --> 00:11:42,259
His grades have really
been slipping.
317
00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:44,395
Who are you doing?
318
00:11:44,397 --> 00:11:46,730
That serious-looking couple
in the corner.
319
00:11:46,732 --> 00:11:48,666
Well, I'm worried
about the fact
320
00:11:48,668 --> 00:11:52,303
that you always have
to drive the baby-sitter home.
321
00:11:52,305 --> 00:11:54,538
I'm just doing Nicole.
322
00:11:54,540 --> 00:11:57,474
Well, somebody's doing Nicole,
but it's clearly not you.
323
00:11:58,911 --> 00:12:00,878
Why does this always
happen to me?
324
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:04,515
Boy meets girl, boy falls
in love with girl,
325
00:12:04,517 --> 00:12:06,750
girl breaks boy's heart,
326
00:12:06,752 --> 00:12:10,054
boy ends up in car with
socially awkward friend.
327
00:12:10,056 --> 00:12:12,089
Come on, man.
You know chicks.
328
00:12:12,091 --> 00:12:13,791
She's probably just
playing hard to get.
329
00:12:13,793 --> 00:12:16,193
"You can't just show up
at my house like this, Barry."
330
00:12:16,195 --> 00:12:17,594
"Where'd you get
those pictures, Barry?"
331
00:12:17,596 --> 00:12:20,497
"Stop washing my car
in jean shorts, Barry."
332
00:12:20,499 --> 00:12:22,733
D-Do you have to notify people
333
00:12:22,735 --> 00:12:25,569
when you move
into a new neighborhood?
334
00:12:27,339 --> 00:12:29,173
Oh...
335
00:12:29,175 --> 00:12:30,774
Who's that guy?
336
00:12:30,776 --> 00:12:31,809
A waiter?
337
00:12:31,811 --> 00:12:34,378
Yeah. A waiter
who likes to hug.
338
00:12:34,380 --> 00:12:38,182
Oh! Maybe it's Bobby,
the son of the serious couple.
339
00:12:38,184 --> 00:12:39,850
Will you stop that?
340
00:12:39,852 --> 00:12:41,952
Hey, don't yell at me.
I'm not the one cheating on you.
341
00:12:41,954 --> 00:12:44,455
You know, new rule:
no more talking.
342
00:12:47,192 --> 00:12:49,259
You know, honey,
I'm worried about the way
343
00:12:49,261 --> 00:12:51,095
the man in that car
is treating his friend.
344
00:12:51,097 --> 00:12:53,397
♪ Men. ♪
345
00:13:00,591 --> 00:13:02,892
♪ Men. ♪
346
00:13:03,861 --> 00:13:05,094
Hey.
347
00:13:05,963 --> 00:13:07,063
What you doing?
348
00:13:07,065 --> 00:13:08,598
Filling out an application.
349
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,667
You're getting a job?
350
00:13:10,669 --> 00:13:13,503
No, I'm getting
a medical marijuana card.
351
00:13:14,838 --> 00:13:18,208
"What is
your medical condition?"
352
00:13:18,210 --> 00:13:20,677
Stress.
353
00:13:20,679 --> 00:13:22,278
Brought on...
354
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:25,882
by lack of marijuana.
355
00:13:25,884 --> 00:13:28,618
Hey, can I...
can I run something by you?
356
00:13:29,787 --> 00:13:32,055
I think Nicole's cheating on me.
357
00:13:32,057 --> 00:13:33,022
Why do you think that?
358
00:13:33,024 --> 00:13:34,324
I followed her
359
00:13:34,326 --> 00:13:36,626
and I saw her with another guy.
360
00:13:36,628 --> 00:13:38,361
That can mean a lot of things.
361
00:13:38,363 --> 00:13:39,963
Well-well,
we were supposed to go out
362
00:13:39,965 --> 00:13:41,998
and then she canceled
last minute
363
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,001
and then she lied to me
about where she was going.
364
00:13:45,003 --> 00:13:47,470
Bitch be cheatin'.
365
00:13:48,706 --> 00:13:50,506
Guess who's dating someone new.
366
00:13:50,508 --> 00:13:52,542
His girlfriend.
367
00:13:53,377 --> 00:13:55,111
Really? That sucks.
368
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:59,616
Her name is Gretchen,
and she's amazing.
369
00:13:59,618 --> 00:14:01,251
Is this the beginning of the end
370
00:14:01,253 --> 00:14:03,620
of the whole Jeff Strongman
thing?
371
00:14:03,622 --> 00:14:06,689
Uh, au contraire, uh, she's
actually dating Jeff Strongman.
372
00:14:06,691 --> 00:14:08,324
She's Larry's sister.
373
00:14:08,326 --> 00:14:11,461
Uh, oh, and, uh, I'm still the
best man in Lyndsey's wedding.
374
00:14:11,463 --> 00:14:13,529
Standard best man stuff:
375
00:14:13,531 --> 00:14:16,466
Throw a bachelor party,
give a toast at the wedding,
376
00:14:16,468 --> 00:14:18,268
assume a false identity
377
00:14:18,270 --> 00:14:21,437
and bang both the bride
and the sister of the groom.
378
00:14:21,439 --> 00:14:22,972
Wow. When you put it that way,
379
00:14:22,974 --> 00:14:25,808
it sounds like a soap opera
on Telemundo.
380
00:14:25,810 --> 00:14:28,211
That's what I said!
381
00:14:28,213 --> 00:14:30,380
What does Lyndsey think
of all this?
382
00:14:30,382 --> 00:14:32,515
I don't know.
Um, Alan hasn't told her
383
00:14:32,517 --> 00:14:34,450
and Jeff Strongman
doesn't care.
384
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:39,689
How is it that Señor Strongman
385
00:14:39,691 --> 00:14:42,725
has two girls and I have none?
386
00:14:42,727 --> 00:14:44,861
Because you're not willing
to lie
387
00:14:44,863 --> 00:14:47,697
and treat women like crap
so you can get laid.
388
00:14:47,699 --> 00:14:49,365
You're a romantic.
389
00:14:49,367 --> 00:14:51,601
You think every girl you meet
is your soul mate.
390
00:14:51,603 --> 00:14:53,436
You're ready to move in
after the first date.
391
00:14:54,405 --> 00:14:56,239
We have a term for guys like you
392
00:14:56,241 --> 00:14:57,974
in the Lesbian community.
393
00:14:58,876 --> 00:15:00,476
It's "lesbian."
394
00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:03,513
♪ Men. ♪
395
00:15:05,716 --> 00:15:07,016
Hey. How you doing?
396
00:15:07,018 --> 00:15:08,184
Great.
397
00:15:08,186 --> 00:15:10,420
I didn't sleep at all
last night.
398
00:15:10,422 --> 00:15:13,489
I just kept thinking
about Nicole and that guy.
399
00:15:13,491 --> 00:15:15,458
I found my first gray hair.
400
00:15:15,460 --> 00:15:17,493
Not on my head.
401
00:15:17,495 --> 00:15:19,162
Yeah. I didn't
sleep much, either.
402
00:15:19,164 --> 00:15:20,963
I met up with BoobaFett420.
403
00:15:20,965 --> 00:15:24,267
Turned out the "420" was
in reference to her weight.
404
00:15:24,269 --> 00:15:25,902
Hey.
405
00:15:26,837 --> 00:15:29,138
Look who it is.
406
00:15:29,140 --> 00:15:30,773
I'm really sorry
about last night,
407
00:15:30,775 --> 00:15:33,142
but there's something
I want to talk to you about.
408
00:15:33,144 --> 00:15:34,677
Is it your pants?
409
00:15:34,679 --> 00:15:36,079
'Cause they're on fire.
410
00:15:37,181 --> 00:15:40,483
'Cause you're a liar.
What?
411
00:15:40,485 --> 00:15:43,186
We saw you at the restaurant
with a guy last night.
412
00:15:43,188 --> 00:15:45,321
You followed me?
413
00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:47,657
No, actually, we followed
a really handsome guy
414
00:15:47,659 --> 00:15:50,693
who you had dinner with and
just happened to run into you.
415
00:15:50,695 --> 00:15:53,396
I wanted to go
to Dave and Buster's.
416
00:15:53,398 --> 00:15:54,697
All right.
417
00:15:54,699 --> 00:15:56,332
Okay, I was waiting
for a better time
418
00:15:56,334 --> 00:15:59,268
to tell you this, but the guy
I had dinner with last night
419
00:15:59,270 --> 00:16:00,670
works for Google.
420
00:16:00,672 --> 00:16:02,338
Oh... W... Get...
421
00:16:02,340 --> 00:16:03,973
Barry, Google "betrayal" and...
422
00:16:03,975 --> 00:16:08,010
Oh, actually, Bing "betrayal"
and let's see what comes up.
423
00:16:09,314 --> 00:16:12,048
Yep. Picture of Nicole.
424
00:16:13,016 --> 00:16:14,016
I didn't really Google it.
425
00:16:14,018 --> 00:16:16,652
That's my screen saver.
426
00:16:16,654 --> 00:16:17,754
It's not what you think.
427
00:16:17,756 --> 00:16:20,323
He offered me a job
in San Francisco.
428
00:16:20,325 --> 00:16:22,592
They're working on
the same technology that we are,
429
00:16:22,594 --> 00:16:25,461
and he said that I could pick
my own team and that's you guys.
430
00:16:25,463 --> 00:16:26,262
Oh, my God.
431
00:16:26,264 --> 00:16:27,397
Yeah.
432
00:16:27,399 --> 00:16:29,599
I've never been picked
for a team.
433
00:16:29,601 --> 00:16:32,034
And you're gonna do this?
434
00:16:32,569 --> 00:16:34,103
We are so close.
435
00:16:34,105 --> 00:16:36,406
Well, they're a lot closer.
436
00:16:36,408 --> 00:16:39,509
Wow. I mean, the chances of us
beating Google are one in a...
437
00:16:39,511 --> 00:16:41,511
googol.
438
00:16:41,513 --> 00:16:43,312
I bet we'll get
to make jokes like that
439
00:16:43,314 --> 00:16:44,580
all the time at Google.
440
00:16:45,983 --> 00:16:47,483
Who cares if they beat us?
441
00:16:47,485 --> 00:16:49,385
We'll create something else.
442
00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:50,887
All we have
to do is
443
00:16:50,889 --> 00:16:53,890
believe in ourselves
and we can change the world.
444
00:16:53,892 --> 00:16:57,126
Now, they're giving you an
opportunity to work for Google.
445
00:16:57,128 --> 00:17:00,496
I'm giving you an opportunity
to be Google.
446
00:17:00,498 --> 00:17:02,999
I have to take this. I'm sorry.
447
00:17:03,001 --> 00:17:06,235
So you're just going
to San Francisco?
448
00:17:07,471 --> 00:17:09,405
Where does that leave us?
449
00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:12,041
Well, I mean, we were...
we were just having fun, right?
450
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:14,343
Yeah, fun. Okay.
451
00:17:14,345 --> 00:17:16,312
Good. I'm just... I just...
452
00:17:16,314 --> 00:17:18,714
I'm glad you're not one
of those people who thinks
453
00:17:18,716 --> 00:17:21,250
every person they meet
is their soul mate. Or...
454
00:17:21,252 --> 00:17:23,753
that-that you would think
that we were moving in
455
00:17:23,755 --> 00:17:26,322
with each other
just 'cause we had sex.
456
00:17:26,324 --> 00:17:28,658
She's not a lesbian, dude.
457
00:17:29,460 --> 00:17:32,195
I gotta call the guy back.
458
00:17:32,197 --> 00:17:33,796
Go ahead.
459
00:17:33,798 --> 00:17:35,965
Good luck in San Francisco.
460
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,266
Thanks.
461
00:17:40,804 --> 00:17:43,005
All right.
462
00:17:47,077 --> 00:17:48,411
I'm sorry, buddy.
463
00:17:48,413 --> 00:17:50,313
I'm here for you.
464
00:17:50,315 --> 00:17:52,281
Appreciate that.
465
00:17:53,383 --> 00:17:55,351
You know, actually...
466
00:17:55,353 --> 00:17:58,421
what she's offering
is a pretty good deal, so...
467
00:17:58,423 --> 00:18:00,056
if you wanted to go with her...
468
00:18:00,058 --> 00:18:01,724
Oh, thank God.
469
00:18:02,459 --> 00:18:04,760
♪ Men. ♪
470
00:18:05,662 --> 00:18:07,830
So tell me
about Gretchen.
471
00:18:07,832 --> 00:18:10,333
Well, um, there
isn't much to tell.
472
00:18:10,335 --> 00:18:11,734
I, um... I grew up
in Chicago,
473
00:18:11,736 --> 00:18:14,136
I went to Northwestern,
became a veterinarian,
474
00:18:14,138 --> 00:18:17,139
married the man of my dreams
but apparently he was dreaming
475
00:18:17,141 --> 00:18:19,775
of banging
my best friend, so...
476
00:18:19,777 --> 00:18:20,843
How 'bout you?
477
00:18:20,845 --> 00:18:22,545
Uh, I haven't met
your best friend.
478
00:18:22,547 --> 00:18:23,946
Is she hot?
479
00:18:23,948 --> 00:18:27,383
You know I neuter dogs
for a living.
480
00:18:27,385 --> 00:18:29,252
Are you threatening or offering?
481
00:18:30,688 --> 00:18:32,788
So-so, uh, what
brought you to L.A.?
482
00:18:32,790 --> 00:18:34,757
Uh, just looking
for a fresh start.
483
00:18:34,759 --> 00:18:37,159
You know? I mean, out here,
I can be whoever I want to be.
484
00:18:37,161 --> 00:18:39,028
I can reinvent myself.
485
00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:40,363
Mm. I thought about doing that.
486
00:18:40,365 --> 00:18:43,533
But in the end, I can't be
anyone but Jeff Strongman.
487
00:18:43,535 --> 00:18:46,335
Well, I wouldn't mind
a strong man in the end.
488
00:18:46,337 --> 00:18:48,204
Ooh, dirty word play.
489
00:18:48,206 --> 00:18:49,639
I'm vibrating.
490
00:18:49,641 --> 00:18:50,940
I'm growing.
491
00:18:51,775 --> 00:18:53,709
No, uh...
492
00:18:53,711 --> 00:18:54,810
no, our-our table's ready.
493
00:18:54,812 --> 00:18:56,312
Oh, great, great.
Uh, well,
494
00:18:56,314 --> 00:18:57,473
let's take our wine
and have a seat.
495
00:18:57,498 --> 00:18:59,016
Yeah, or, um,
496
00:18:59,017 --> 00:19:00,750
you know, there's 20 minutes
left in happy hour.
497
00:19:00,752 --> 00:19:02,251
I mean, we could just stay here
and fill up
498
00:19:02,253 --> 00:19:04,353
on two-for-one appetizers
and half-off drinks.
499
00:19:04,355 --> 00:19:05,555
Yes!
500
00:19:06,590 --> 00:19:08,257
I mean, you know,
if that's what you want.
501
00:19:08,259 --> 00:19:11,494
It's just... I hate
spending money unnecessarily.
502
00:19:11,496 --> 00:19:14,597
Anything we don't finish
is going home with us.
503
00:19:14,599 --> 00:19:18,067
I tell 'em
it's for the dogs, but...
504
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,802
woof.
505
00:19:19,804 --> 00:19:22,104
Gretchen...
506
00:19:22,106 --> 00:19:24,774
do you believe in
love at first sight?
507
00:19:25,509 --> 00:19:27,810
♪ Men. ♪
508
00:19:34,721 --> 00:19:37,190
♪ Men. ♪
509
00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:50,169
What the hell is "wine-ish"?
510
00:19:50,171 --> 00:19:51,904
Hey.
511
00:19:51,906 --> 00:19:53,239
Hey.
512
00:19:53,241 --> 00:19:54,574
How was the date?
513
00:19:54,576 --> 00:19:56,843
Best... date... ever.
514
00:19:56,845 --> 00:19:59,579
We are perfect for each other.
515
00:19:59,581 --> 00:20:01,881
It's like...
it's like God cloned me
516
00:20:01,883 --> 00:20:05,418
and gave me boobs and a vagina.
517
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:08,521
Alan, can't you see
that this Jeff Strongman stuff
518
00:20:08,523 --> 00:20:10,723
is only gonna
cause you problems?
519
00:20:10,725 --> 00:20:13,526
Actually, I'm starting to think
Alan Harper is the problem.
520
00:20:13,528 --> 00:20:15,895
I mean, Jeff Strongman
has a girlfriend, a best friend
521
00:20:15,897 --> 00:20:17,897
and he's practically debt-free.
522
00:20:17,899 --> 00:20:19,165
Practically?
523
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:21,334
He may have received
a free credit card offer
524
00:20:21,336 --> 00:20:23,502
that was a little too good
to pass up.
525
00:20:23,504 --> 00:20:27,206
Jeff Strongman has
a credit card?
526
00:20:27,208 --> 00:20:32,879
And get this, Alan Harper got
100 bucks for referring Jeff.
527
00:20:36,283 --> 00:20:40,753
Now I just need to figure out
a way to get rid of Alan Harper.
528
00:20:40,754 --> 00:20:42,187
It's not as easy as you think!
529
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:48,794
Barry.
530
00:20:48,796 --> 00:20:49,895
I thought about what you said
531
00:20:49,897 --> 00:20:50,996
and I decided...
532
00:20:50,998 --> 00:20:52,431
I want to stay
and work with you.
533
00:20:52,433 --> 00:20:53,866
I mean, I don't want to work
for Google.
534
00:20:53,868 --> 00:20:55,367
I want to be Google.
535
00:20:55,369 --> 00:20:56,902
Really?
Yeah.
536
00:20:56,904 --> 00:20:58,504
I want to change the world.
537
00:20:58,506 --> 00:21:00,139
Hey.
538
00:21:02,175 --> 00:21:04,409
We're gonna do
great things together.
539
00:21:04,411 --> 00:21:06,879
Hell, yeah, we are.
540
00:21:06,881 --> 00:21:09,081
All right.
541
00:21:10,817 --> 00:21:12,317
So where do I sleep?
542
00:21:12,319 --> 00:21:17,319
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
38457
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