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Today, Britain
stands at a fork in its crossroads.
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And its people are asking
questions.
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00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:15,000
Now we've got our country back
what actually is it?
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00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:17,160
Who are we? And why?
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00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:21,200
The best way to find out where
Britain's heading is to
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00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:24,560
look behind us
into something called "history"
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a sort of "rear view mirror"
for time.
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00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,120
So that's where I'm going.
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Back there.
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It's a journey that'll take me
the length
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and width of the country,
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00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,320
from the white cliffs of Dovver
to the
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00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,320
Scottish high lands
of the Scottish Highlands.
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On my odyssey, I'll be starting
sentences in one location,
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00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:47,200
and finishing them in another.
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00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,200
And looking at some of the biggest
faces in British history,
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00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:52,800
and asking other people's
faces about them.
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00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:57,120
Henry didn't get arrested after
he killed his first wife, did he?
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00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,520
What sort of mistakes did the Tudor
police make that led him
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to kill again?
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All of it taking place in this
skepterred isle we call home.
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So join me, Philomena Cunk,
as I take you right up
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the history of The United Britain
of Great Kingdom.
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This...is Cunk On Britain.
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Last week we discovered how God
invented Britain,
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who the Romans were, and why
we went to war with the roses.
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But that was just the beginning.
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By the time the Wars of the Roses
ended, Britain was literally
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on the map, somewhere near the top,
showing how important it was.
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The British had a firm grasp
of the solid parts of the country,
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like this rock, but there was a load
of stuff round the edges that
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wouldn't do as it was told.
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It was wet.
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It was full of fish.
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And it wouldn't make up its mind how
close to the rock it wanted to be.
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00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,720
In this episode, I'll discover how
Britain came to rule the waves
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and invent the Umpire.
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It's a story about events
beyond Britain's coastline.
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So I'll be using the C-word a lot.
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Sea.
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HARPSICHORD MUSIC
This is Hampton Court Palace,
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a building so impressive it has to
be accompanied by harpsichord music.
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These days Hampton Court is open
10.00 till 4.30 in the winter,
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10.00 till 6.00 in the summer,
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with last entry to the maze
45 minutes before closing.
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Prices start at £18.40 per adult
and £9.20 per child.
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A family ticket will set you back at
least £32.30 - unless you're buying
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that ticket in the 15th century,
and your family name is Tudor.
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But what do we mean by the word
"Tudor"? Let's ask an expert.
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00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:04,960
What do we mean by the word "Tudor"?
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Er... The word "Tudor"
is quite controversial
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because the Tudors, at the time,
didn't call themselves "Tudor".
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Tudor is the family name,
the Welsh family name,
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of the ancestors on the father's
side of King Henry VII
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but the only person who calls
Henry VII "Henry Tudor"
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is Richard III when he's trying to
stop him becoming king.
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And he uses the name "Tudor" just
to mean "this is some random Welsh
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"person, rather than an appropriate
person to replace me as king".
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So the Tudors don't use the name
Tudor very much at all.
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Some people refer to it as being
their family name later on.
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Sorry, I had that thing you know
where you just,
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your brain stops listening?
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If the Tudors were the Kardashians
of their time, this was their Kim -
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Henry of Eight, the kingiest
king who ever kinged over Britain.
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If you had to draw a king,
you'd definitely draw him.
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Although maybe not as well as this,
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unless you're a 16th century
portrait artist.
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00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,000
But what was
so great about Henry of Eight?
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Why is he the king
we all still remember, unlike, say,
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Richard V.
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Well, for one thing he was fat, so
he takes up more room in the memory.
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But Henry's also memorable
for his chronic wife addiction.
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He had six wives -
all called Catherine.
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He was a Catherine-aholic.
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Or "Catholic" for short.
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He got through so many Catherines
he actually got bored of killing
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them, and had to invent a new way of
getting rid of them, called divorce.
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The Pope hated divorce,
so Henry decided to divorce him.
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He took back control, broke with
Europe, and made up a new religion,
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which it turns out is easier to do
than Popes like to pretend.
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Henry created the Church of England,
didn't he?
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And did he have to find
a British Pope?
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He didn't need to find
a British Pope.
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You could just have bishops.
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You can just use the bishops
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and people that you've
got in there already.
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If you had to find a British Pope
now, who would you go for?
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You couldn't use
the Archbishop of Canterbury?
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No. You have to have someone else.
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Someone from without the church.
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Yeah, like Matt Baker,
off The One Show.
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Erm...so that... So you...
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Matt Baker off the One Show...
He's not an obvious choice, you see.
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That's why I think he'd be good.
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But the more you think about it,
the more it makes sense.
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Henry of Eight kept having
a go on new wives
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because he wanted a boy to pop
out of one of them.
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And eventually one did -
called Edward.
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00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:35,840
When Henry died, Edward became king,
aged just nine years old.
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Edward died aged 15 - the youngest
anyone had ever died of old age.
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He was followed as king
by Lady Jane Grey.
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She ruled for nine glorious days -
almost a week.
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These were among the fastest
royals we've ever had.
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After Jane came this woman -
Queen Mary.
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And there really was
"something about Mary" - but not
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something funny like Cameron Diaz
with all dried spunk in her hair.
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Mary's something was religious
intolerance.
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She had so many Protestants
burned at the stake
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she became known as Bloody Mary.
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Because, like the drink,
she was horrible.
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The next Queen was Queen Elizabeth,
who, in the first of many
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such coincidences, appeared just
in time for the Elizabethan era.
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Queen Elizabeth One got her crown
screwed on here,
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in West Minister Abbey.
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00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:42,880
Elizabeth One was a new sort
of king, in that she was a queen,
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which meant she got paid less
and sat on horses sideways.
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To stop persecution,
Elizabeth allowed her subjects to
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practice whatever religion
they liked, as long as
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they pretended to be Church
of England when asked, like middle
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00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:58,040
class people do when they want
their kids to go to a posh school.
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00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,880
During Elizabeth's reign British
culture flourished, especially
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00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:05,640
the world of theatre, which is
sadly still with us to this day.
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The greatest playwrighter of the age
was Will.i.am Shakespeare.
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It's often said
if Shakespeare were alive today,
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he'd be sending his scripts to
television and film companies,
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who wouldn't make them because
they were so long and boring.
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But while audiences thrilled to the
tedious drama of Shakespeare's
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terrible plays, some pioneering
Britons were experiencing
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real drama - by going out exploring.
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It was now the British got really
into boats -
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by getting into boats.
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Sailors of the time were
like spacemen,
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but on water, exploring the unknown
armed only with an engineless
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wooden car called a boat,
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and a sort of basic paper sat nav
called a map,
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which had hardly anything on it
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because hardly anything had
been found yet.
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On maps of the sea,
do they show the hills?
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You know, the little moving hills
with the white bit on top?
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The waves?
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Is that what they call the moving
hills with the white bits on top?
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I think, I think that's
what you mean.
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Did an explorer ever try to
sail into the sky?
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You know, find a bit of sea that's
sort of going up and...
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No.
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Despite the difficulty,
King Queen Elizabeth sent
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a load of sailors over the sea to
nick treasure off the Spanish,
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and then to nick whole countries
off whichever brown people were
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standing on them at the time.
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The first British explorer to do
this was Sir Walter Raleigh.
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Sir Walter Raleigh was a great
sailor, wasn't he?
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So why is it today
we only remember him for his bikes?
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Well, there might have been
a connection between that
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branch of the Raleigh family
and the later bike manufacturer,
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but I very much doubt it.
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People weren't using cycles of any
kind in Sir Walter Raleigh's days.
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Oh, really?
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I think we really have to accept
that Sir Walter Raleigh was
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really just an expert sailor.
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How did Sir Walter Raleigh
invent the potato?
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Well, he didn't invent
the potato, in that
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I don't think anyone actually has
ever invented a root vegetable.
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Because they were obviously
being cultivated
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and used by people living in the
Americas when he arrived there.
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When Sir Walter Raleigh first saw
potatoes, was he scared of them?
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I think that when Sir Walter Raleigh
first saw potatoes, not that
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we've any documented records
on the moment when he first beheld
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a potato or a field of potatoes, but
I don't think he was scared of them.
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This is a buccaneering character.
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And I think he probably was able
to take on and
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manage his emotions whilst engaging
with potatoes at first sight.
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We still celebrate potatoes to this
day - by buying and eating them.
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It's amazing to think that
Queen Elizabeth was the first
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British monarch to be
impressed by a baked potato.
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And the last.
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Walter Raleigh was big news
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but he wasn't quite as big
news as Sir Francis Drake.
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This is Drake's ship,
The Golden Hind, which is
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Tudor for "Arse of Gold".
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It was in this ship Drake became
the first person to circumcise the
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globe, which is probably why this
sort of ship is called a "clipper".
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Imagine being on deck in that
perilous age.
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You're in the middle of the ocean.
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A mighty thunderstorm's brewing.
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00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,920
There's a sailor over there.
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Another one over there.
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The king sailor turning
the...the steering wheel thing.
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Potatoes and spare wooden legs
rolling around the deck.
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00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,400
A seagull up that, er...pole thing.
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Someone reading a treasure map
through a telescope.
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00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:49,040
A bloke with a white beard carrying
a tray of fish fingers.
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00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:53,240
Pirates all laughing in that sort of
horrible throaty way that they do.
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And, at any moment,
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00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:58,080
the prospect that you might just
sail off the edge of the world.
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It's a sobering thought.
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00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,760
Which they'd have needed
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00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:04,960
because they were all
pissed to the bollocks on rum.
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00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,680
The British's
mastery of the oceans made
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00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,480
Catholic King Philip of Spain
furious, in Spanish.
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00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:14,320
So he sent his secret weapon to
attack England -
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00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:17,000
a woman called Spanish Amanda.
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00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,680
The story goes that Drake was
playing a leisurely
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00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:23,080
game of bowls on Plymouth Hoe
when the Spanish attacked.
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00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,960
But Drake didn't let the Spanish
attack put him off his stroke.
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00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,800
He just carried on playing
with his balls.
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00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,320
According to records,
when he'd finished,
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Drake changed back into his normal
shoes, and thrashed the Spaniards.
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00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,000
At war, not bowling.
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00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,720
England was victorious.
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00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,320
Meanwhile in Scotland there was
another Mary on the scene -
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00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:52,520
Mary Queen Offscots.
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00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:55,720
Mary and Elizabeth were
rivals for the throne.
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00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,720
Catholics loved Mary, because
they go mad for anyone called Mary.
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00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:03,240
So Elizabeth cut her head off,
which made it harder for Mary to
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00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:07,000
take the throne, because she could
no longer see where it was.
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00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,200
Elizabeth had ended the rivalry.
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00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,640
The final score was one head,
to nil.
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00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,120
Elizabeth died without ever
marrying,
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so has gone down in history
as the Vegan Queen.
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00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:21,080
She left no heirs, which was
the olden word for children,
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making her the season
finale of the Tudors.
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00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:27,600
The next top Royal was
King James, who luckily
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00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,760
hadn't inherited his mum's
missing head,
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00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:34,240
and so could become King of Scotland
and England at the same time.
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00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:39,760
King James I of England was also
King James VI of Scotland,
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wasn't he? He was.
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Was he also the other five
King James' in between?
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00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:48,960
No, but he was rather conscious
of those other five James'.
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00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,880
Do you think he ever forgot
which James he was?
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00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:55,440
No, I'm pretty sure that he knew
there'd been all five before him
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00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,040
and they'd had rotten lives.
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00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,400
Oh. The first had been
murdered by his subjects,
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the second killed by an exploding
cannon, the third was murdered
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00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:06,240
by his subjects after losing
a battle, the forth was killed in
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00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:10,400
battle and the fifth died of nervous
exhaustion after losing a battle.
236
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:13,240
So was it just bad luck being
called James then, do you think?
237
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:16,480
No, the Stuarts are an astonishingly
accident-prone family.
238
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:20,680
King James brought England, Scotland
and Wales together, didn't he?
239
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:24,080
King James brought
England, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall
240
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,160
and Ireland together.
241
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:27,680
So he brought all those together.
That's right.
242
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:31,760
Like Simon Cowell when he brought
together...
243
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:32,840
One Direction.
244
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,240
Yes, except it lasted a bit longer.
245
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:37,880
Which is your favourite?
246
00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:39,000
Of the kingdoms?
247
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,400
No, of One Direction.
248
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,000
Er...I don't have one.
249
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,000
Yeah, very wise.
250
00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:46,840
Thanks to King James,
Great Britain was born.
251
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,640
And with it came a new flag,
the Onion Jack -
252
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:52,920
a sort of megamix of the nations'
previous flags.
253
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,520
The Onion Jack has it all -
the white and red of England,
254
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:57,880
the blue of Scotland,
255
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,400
and from Wales, red again,
from the dragon,
256
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,000
but not the actual dragon
257
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,920
even though it's the best
bit of the flag.
258
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:06,880
Basically, whoever was doing this
probably just had a ruler
259
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,200
and couldn't face doing the dragon.
260
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:12,560
King James was Protestant,
and knew that Catholics wanted to
261
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:16,240
kill him, so he had all his clothes
padded in case he was stabbed.
262
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:19,400
Unfortunately, he didn't have the
Houses of Parliament padded,
263
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,840
and that's where the
Catholics chose to attack,
264
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,800
using explosions.
265
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,120
This photo from the time shows
the Gunpowder plotters,
266
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:30,600
in the hats and false beards
they used to hide their identities.
267
00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,840
What they didn't know is that
someone had written
268
00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,680
their names on the wall behind -
which is why they all got caught.
269
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,720
But one man was about to cause even
more explosive changes to Britain -
270
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,800
Oliver Cromwell.
271
00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,320
Some of Cromwell's fellow Puritans
had sailed away from Britain's
272
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:49,680
shores, hoping to forge a new
life of Spartan misery in the
273
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,880
new-found land of America.
274
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,160
But Cromwell stayed behind to fall
out with King Charles One.
275
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:58,640
He wanted Parliament dissolved,
but nobody could find a glass big
276
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:02,120
enough, so they decided to have a
civil war instead.
277
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:10,520
They called it a Civil War
because there was a swear jar,
278
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,800
and people apologised after
killing each other, like in tennis.
279
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,440
The Civil War was a clash of styles.
280
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:20,880
The King's Cavaliers had panache,
and weird outfits,
281
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:25,000
while Cromwell's Roundheads were
basic, brutish little bulldog men.
282
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,760
It was like a fight between
Wayne Rooney and Noel Fielding.
283
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,920
But not as funny.
284
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:34,120
Eventually, after many
re-enactments just like this,
285
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:36,160
the Roundheads won, 1-0.
286
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,560
Charles was caught in a big
king net,
287
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,800
and executed here, in Whitehall.
288
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,440
A proud man to the last, he wore two
shirts so no-one could see him
289
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,480
shiver,
to preserve his regal dignity.
290
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,440
And according to witnesses
it worked.
291
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,960
His severed head rolled
regally along the ground,
292
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,880
pumping blood everywhere
and getting covered in hay and dirt
293
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,600
and dried-up
flecks of dignified fox shit,
294
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,360
and no-one mentioned the rest of him
shivering at all.
295
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,520
Under Cromwell, Britain became
less fun than ever before,
296
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,720
including when it was just rocks.
297
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:09,560
As a Puritan, Cromwell outlawed
popular entertainment -
298
00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:13,520
effectively turning the entire
country into BBC FOUR.
299
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,640
Little wonder that after
Cromwell died,
300
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:19,000
everyone decided it would fun
having a king once more.
301
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,560
Charles II came down from the tree
he'd been hiding in and everyone
302
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:27,760
was happy again until suddenly,
in 1665, the plague happened.
303
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:29,360
Again.
304
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,320
Why did they decide to have the
plague twice?
305
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:35,480
More than anything it must
have just been boring.
306
00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,920
Well, they had many, many more
times than twice.
307
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:42,320
Did we get the plague because of the
European free movement of rats
308
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:46,360
and fleas and our inability to
control our borders?
309
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:50,280
It certainly looks as though the
epidemic came to England by ship.
310
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,520
Mmm.
311
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,880
So in that sense, yes,
it's imported.
312
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:55,880
They are immigrant rats and fleas.
313
00:16:55,880 --> 00:16:59,560
And they wouldn't integrate,
except when they bit us.
314
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:06,360
The Great Plague of London finally
petered out in 1666 - just in time
315
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:10,120
for The Great Fire of London which
started here, in Pudding Lane.
316
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,800
It was a hot, dry summer
317
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,480
when a thatched wooden bakery
full of highly combustible flour
318
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,360
and flaming ovens inexplicably
caught fire for some reason.
319
00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:24,720
How hot was The Great Fire
of London?
320
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,280
Could you, like, stand in
somewhere like Maidenhead
321
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:30,160
and sort of warm your hands
on it like that?
322
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,560
You couldn't warm your hands
but you probably could see it.
323
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:36,720
How many other cities did
The Great Fire of London burn down?
324
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,720
No other cities,
it was The Great Fire of London.
325
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,200
But lots of other places were
affected.
326
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,720
But how do we know no other
cities burnt down
327
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:47,720
because it would have burnt
them down?
328
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:50,560
Yes, but we know that London was
burnt, even though
329
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:51,760
it was burnt down.
330
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,280
So we would have the same
sorts of information about other
331
00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:55,640
places that didn't burn down.
332
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:57,520
But there might have been another
place burnt down,
333
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,000
that just burnt down completely.
334
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,480
And now we don't know cos it's
not there cos it was burnt down.
335
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:04,040
But then that wouldn't be part of
The Great Fire of London, would it?
336
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,680
No, it would be outside,
wouldn't it? Yes.
337
00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,840
So were there any others
that burnt down?
338
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,760
There don't seem to have been
any other fires at the same time.
339
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,680
Although we don't know
cos they burnt down.
340
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,760
Well, that's one way
of looking at it.
341
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,680
We know a lot about the plague
342
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:21,680
and the Fire of London from the
diaries of this man - Samuel Pepys.
343
00:18:21,680 --> 00:18:25,600
Samuel Pepys is probably the most
famous diarist in the world.
344
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,960
Apart from Anne Frank, but no-one
knows what happened to her.
345
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,600
We do know what happened to Pepys,
because he put it in his diary.
346
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,440
Pepys was brave, wasn't he,
347
00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,560
writing his diary at the time of
The Great Fire of London?
348
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,240
You know, all that paper.
349
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:42,200
He risked his life for us
really, didn't he?
350
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,800
I don't think
he risked his life for us.
351
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,280
It was for himself.
352
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:49,360
If Pepys was alive today,
do you think he'd be doing Snapchat?
353
00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:50,880
And it's best to say yes
354
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:53,120
because we're trying to attract
younger viewers.
355
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,600
Yes, I'm sure he would be.
Yeah. Definitely, yeah.
356
00:18:56,600 --> 00:19:00,280
After the fire was blown out
by the King, London was extensively
357
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:02,400
rebuilt by Sir Christopher Wren -
358
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,560
the most significant bird in British
history since Francis Drake.
359
00:19:07,120 --> 00:19:09,360
This is his finest achievement.
360
00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:10,960
Sir Paul's Cathedral -
361
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,680
built on a site of spiritual
significance near the
362
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:17,600
Sainsbury's Local and the restaurant
where they do First Dates.
363
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,080
As well as being big,
364
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,640
the Cathedral was the first
building in the world with a hat.
365
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,640
It would get ten out of ten
in Cathedral Review Monthly,
366
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,720
if that magazine existed,
which it doesn't.
367
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,960
Meanwhile, London wasn't the only
thing that was being burned -
368
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,760
witches were too.
369
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,040
People genuinely believed witches
were amongst them,
370
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:40,600
their fear fuelled by
leaked photos like this.
371
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,720
There wasn't a clear-cut
way of telling
372
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:46,040
whether someone was a witch if they
weren't wearing their pointy hat.
373
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:50,600
So Britain appointed its first
and only Witchfinder General.
374
00:19:50,600 --> 00:19:53,600
Who was the Witchfinder General?
375
00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,520
The Witchfinder General was a young
man called Matthew Hopkins.
376
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:59,200
Matthew Hopkins?!
He went to my school.
377
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,720
This was a different
Matthew Hopkins, I hope.
378
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,200
How'd you know?
He's an IT consultant now.
379
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,520
Well, the Matthew Hopkins I'm
talking about died 350 years ago.
380
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:11,560
He went on a witch hunt which
covered the whole of East Anglia
381
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:15,080
and resulted in the death
of about 100 women.
382
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,560
Yeah, it's not
the same Matthew Hopkins.
383
00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:21,440
No. My Matthew Hopkins is going
through a divorce.
384
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,000
Well, I think that's
pretty harrowing,
385
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,320
but compared with stringing up
aged women upon scaffolds
386
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,440
and torturing them into confession,
it's probably fairly minor.
387
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,800
Yeah, puts everything
in perspective, doesn't it?
388
00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:35,480
That's the great
thing about history. Mmm.
389
00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:39,840
Matthew Hopkins devised a method to
test if a woman was a witch.
390
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,800
Hopkins' method was absolutely
fool-proof.
391
00:20:42,800 --> 00:20:46,520
Which was handy, because it had
to be done by village idiots.
392
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:49,080
The accused woman was
lowered into water.
393
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,680
If they floated they were a witch
and were killed.
394
00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,640
If they drowned they were innocent,
395
00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,720
and could go on living
a normal life,
396
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,480
underwater, for two to
three seconds.
397
00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:00,520
But the irrational world of witches
398
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,280
and wizards was about to be blown
away by the rational
399
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,880
world of science -
and geniuses like Sir Isaac Newton.
400
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:12,520
In 1665, Newton ran away from London
because the plague was after him.
401
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:16,080
So he came here, to Woolsthorpe
Manor in Lincolnshire -
402
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:18,640
a National Trust property that he
was allowed to live in
403
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,160
because he was famous.
404
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,080
The story goes that an apple
fell from this tree
405
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,000
and landed on Newton's head.
406
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:26,760
Despite his amazing hair,
407
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,680
the force of the fruity blow caused
several of his brain cells to
408
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:34,240
rub together - and just
like that he invented gravity.
409
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:38,160
What was the world like before
Isaac Newton discovered gravity?
410
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,160
Was everything just floating
up to the sky?
411
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:44,520
Well, gravity was always there
so it just took...
412
00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,200
But he just took the credit for it.
413
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:50,240
Because he had come up with
laws of motion and things like that,
414
00:21:50,240 --> 00:21:54,520
gravity was a major part
of his understanding of the world.
415
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:58,360
If gravity's real,
as you seem to be claiming,
416
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,440
how come it doesn't work on kites?
417
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:05,680
In all things there's a balance
of forces, and so a kite stays
418
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:12,200
in the air because of forces that
are keeping the kite in the air.
419
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,800
Would you say the best example
of gravity today is the game show
420
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,280
Tipping Point,
421
00:22:17,280 --> 00:22:19,520
cos without gravity that
wouldn't work, would it?
422
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,760
For sure. Mmm.
423
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,960
But I wouldn't say it's the best
example of gravity.
424
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,120
There's way more exciting
examples than that.
425
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:26,840
Go on. Tell me.
426
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:31,360
Well, there's flight
and...there's walking on the moon.
427
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:35,840
Oh, I thought you meant "what's the
best game show version of gravity".
428
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:37,280
Oh, erm...
429
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,320
Deal or No Deal?
430
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:42,080
It doesn't really use gravity.
431
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:45,400
Well, I thought you said
everything uses gravity. Erm...
432
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,680
Cos Noel Edmonds would be up
in the roof otherwise, wouldn't he?
433
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:49,920
That's true.
434
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,480
We're all subject to gravity
without realising it. Mmm.
435
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:56,080
But the game would still go on...
Mmm.
436
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,480
...even without gravity.
437
00:22:57,480 --> 00:22:58,800
Or maybe not actually.
438
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,120
I've thrown you now, haven't I?
439
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:01,280
You have.
440
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,360
Made you think.
441
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:05,480
But gravity had a dark side.
442
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,760
While everyone in Britain was busy
thinking about why things fall,
443
00:23:08,760 --> 00:23:12,360
across the Atlantic an entire nation
was about to tumble,
444
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:13,480
just like an apple,
445
00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:15,000
onto Britain's head.
446
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:17,600
On 4th July, 1776,
447
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:21,480
America officially declared a war
of independence from the British.
448
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,160
It was a brutal conflict,
449
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,160
with the British eventually
suffering a humiliating defeat
450
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:31,840
a mere 210 years before the premiere
of the BBC sitcom Brush Strokes.
451
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:47,800
Because of you, these things I do
452
00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:52,760
Because of you
453
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:59,200
Because of you, oh...
454
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:04,320
Losing America was a real
knee in the balls for Britain,
455
00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:06,680
but fortunately for national pride,
456
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:09,640
one great British hero
was about to rise -
457
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:13,040
Vice Admiral Viscount Lord
Horrorshow Nelson.
458
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,440
What was Lord Nelson all about?
459
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,680
Why did his parents call him
Horrorshow?
460
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,440
Well, I think they probably intended
it to be pronounced Horatio.
461
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:26,440
But it just got mish-mashed up
and became Horrorshow?
462
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:30,840
No, I think that most people still
know him as Horatio Nelson.
463
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,840
As well as being a sailor,
Nelson found time to
464
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:38,640
star in lots of old paintings,
doing his weird signature pose.
465
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:42,240
Why did Nelson always have one
hand up his jumper?
466
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,720
What was he doing up there?
467
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,000
He'd lost most of his right arm,
so it wasn't really trying to
468
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:52,880
conceal his hand,
he was actually missing an arm.
469
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:54,720
Oh, God.
470
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:57,280
How do we know that
that's true, though?
471
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:00,080
Cos, you know, Rod Hull,
472
00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:03,520
he used to have his arm round
an emu, didn't he?
473
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:06,840
It might have just been that.
474
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,480
He didn't have it blown off at all.
475
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:11,680
He was just trying to
make his story more interesting.
476
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:13,640
Well, I don't see why
he would bother to do that.
477
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:15,080
He was already a heroic figure,
478
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:17,600
so I don't think he needed to
sort of feign, you know,
479
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:22,320
serious injury to, if you
like, deepen his growing legend.
480
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:26,920
So I think we can probably say that,
unlike some things, this is true.
481
00:25:26,920 --> 00:25:28,920
Yeah, and the eye was true.
482
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,920
The eye was true as well,
yes, he wore a patch.
483
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,000
So he was like a pirate,
but like a boring one.
484
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,960
Not being able to clap wasn't
the most annoying
485
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:41,080
thing in Nelson's life,
he had an arch-enemy -
486
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:45,680
the annoyingly similar French pirate
Napoleon Cumberbatch.
487
00:25:45,680 --> 00:25:48,960
The fearsome French Emperor had
conquered most of Europe
488
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,920
and was on the verge of having
a conquer at Britain.
489
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:53,280
But before he could,
490
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,760
he had to have a
Battle of Trafalgar against Nelson.
491
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,280
The Battle of Trafalgar was
one of the most famous water
492
00:26:01,280 --> 00:26:03,200
fights in British history.
493
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,880
And it took place, of course,
here in Trafalgar Square.
494
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:08,760
It's amazing to think that
back then,
495
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:10,760
all of this would have been
under water.
496
00:26:10,760 --> 00:26:13,440
Only the top of the column would
have been visible.
497
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:16,440
On this side,
Nelson's English ships.
498
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:20,480
On this side, by the Pret A Manger,
the French fleet.
499
00:26:20,480 --> 00:26:23,080
And overseeing it all was Nelson,
500
00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:27,640
stranded on top of his stone stick -
where he remains to this day.
501
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:32,040
If Nelson was such a hero, why did
we banish him up that big pole?
502
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:36,240
Well, it's not a banishment,
this was a national celebration.
503
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:39,360
So this was very much, if you like,
a symbol of British victory
504
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:43,160
and pride, and honouring of
the man who had been
505
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,880
so intimately associated with
delivering victory at Trafalgar.
506
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:48,680
But he's so high up, isn't he?
507
00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,400
He's sort of out of eye shot.
508
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:53,960
Well...
And he's getting shat on by birds.
509
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,080
Yeah, I mean, it's...it's a....
510
00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:57,840
Couldn't we have had him
a little bit lower
511
00:26:57,840 --> 00:26:59,160
so that we can have a look at him?
512
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,600
Well, it's a fair point, I mean...
It's just like a joke.
513
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:02,760
Yeah.
514
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:06,560
Nelson's great victory at Trafalgar
was sadly spoiled for him
515
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,680
when he was shot by a French sniper.
516
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,840
Taken below decks, he was comforted
by his Naval colleague Hardy,
517
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,080
who kissed him to death.
518
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:19,640
If Hardy was kissing Nelson
at the exact moment he was dying,
519
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,360
to what extent would that make him
a necrophile?
520
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,640
Cos that's a serious offence.
521
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:30,080
Well, it took him three or four
hours to die, and this particular
522
00:27:30,080 --> 00:27:34,360
famous moment took place when Nelson
was still very much alive.
523
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,440
So there was nothing dodgy about it?
524
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:38,520
Nothing dodgy at all.
525
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:40,040
Nelson may have died,
526
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:43,920
but a whole new chapter of British
history was about to be born.
527
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:45,920
And it was all thanks to one woman.
528
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:48,000
Queen Victorian Era.
529
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:50,560
But that's a story for another
time and place -
530
00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,200
next week and here.
531
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:56,200
Next time, I'll be
looking at the 19th century
532
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:57,920
and asking the big questions.
533
00:27:57,920 --> 00:27:59,280
Who was Albert Hall?
534
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:00,720
Why did Oliver Twist?
535
00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,280
And what are Words Worth?
536
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:07,080
Wordsworth wrote
"I wandered lonely as a cloud",
537
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,200
but clouds don't have legs, do they?
538
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:11,280
No.
539
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,960
So how was he allowed to get away
with that kind of stuff?
540
00:28:14,010 --> 00:28:18,560
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