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00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:04,963
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,300
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,387
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,725
Here you go!
5
00:00:16,725 --> 00:00:19,853
An energizing green juice
for your big first day.
6
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:21,855
- [excited gasp]
- Ooh, Goliath Market
7
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,358
is not gonna know what hit them! [gasps]
8
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,860
Ta-da! Meet Ellen from corporate.
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00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,570
[sighs] Val...
10
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,489
I love it. [squeals]
11
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:34,284
♪ I'm a big-city boss,
just sipping on greens ♪
12
00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:35,410
♪ Coming in to work ♪
13
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:38,914
♪ 'Cause I'm a goddamn quee... een! ♪
14
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:40,249
[laughs] That sounded like a song
15
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:43,085
from one of those reality shows
about girl bosses, like,
16
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,253
and they're doing girl boss things!
17
00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,088
Like, they go to sell
a big house, and they're like...
18
00:00:46,088 --> 00:00:47,881
♪ I'm selling this big-ass house ♪
19
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,133
♪ I'm wearing these high-ass heels ♪
20
00:00:50,133 --> 00:00:52,886
- Exactly! You know,
sometimes I like to imagine myself
21
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,305
as the star of my own reality TV show.
22
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:57,391
Rich City Bitch Ellen! Or...
23
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,643
Ellen, La Ricca Puttana Della Citta!
24
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,230
It's a huge hit in Italy.
25
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:06,191
Well, thanks so much, guys.
26
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,568
- Wish me luck?
- Oh, you don't need it.
27
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,778
- You got this.
- Woo!
28
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:10,779
[Sophie laughs]
29
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:14,324
I am so, so excited for her!
30
00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,952
Me, too! She is crushing it.
31
00:01:16,952 --> 00:01:18,704
- Killing it.
- Murdered it.
32
00:01:18,704 --> 00:01:20,747
- It is dead.
[imitates explosion]
33
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,916
I couldn't be happier for her.
34
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:26,628
[both sigh]
35
00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,923
Even though, you know,
36
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,968
we've been in New York way, way longer,
and our careers are--
37
00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,428
- Trash.
- Trainwrecks.
38
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,889
- Full-on flaming garbage.
39
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,267
Hey, you know what we need?
40
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,103
A little Pathetic Deirdre.
41
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,314
Oh, my God, yes.
42
00:01:45,314 --> 00:01:48,150
Pathetic Deirdre!
[maniacal laughter]
43
00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,986
Okay, so I realize
44
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:53,488
this is maybe not
the best look for me.
45
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,699
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
You and Aunt Val laughing maniacally
46
00:01:55,699 --> 00:01:58,493
about some poor woman
named "Pathetic Deirdre"?
47
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,412
Yeah, it's not great.
48
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,955
Well, just let me explain.
49
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:05,209
Deirdre was an old college friend,
50
00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:08,378
and Aunt Val and I used to invite her
to brunch when we were feeling,
51
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:11,798
you know, low,
to give ourselves an ego boost.
52
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,967
This city is just too loud for me.
53
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,053
I'm gonna move to New Jersey.
54
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:18,555
- [quietly]:
New Jersey. On purpose!
55
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,140
[stifled laughter]
56
00:02:20,516 --> 00:02:22,601
I don't know how you two party so much.
57
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,603
I'm usually in bed by 9:00.
58
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:27,314
- [quietly]: I haven't gone to bed at 9:00
since I was 9.
59
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:28,565
[stifled laugh]
60
00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,359
I'm thinking about writing a book.
61
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,818
Like, about my life.
62
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:34,363
[snorting laughter]
63
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,989
Who would read that?
64
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:39,826
Wouldn't. Who wouldn't read that?
65
00:02:40,661 --> 00:02:42,120
[gasps] Wait.
66
00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:45,123
Val, is this gross?
67
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,667
We're 30 now.
68
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,335
We support other women.
69
00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:51,338
- [scoffs] It's fine. We're just
reaching out to an old friend
70
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:53,048
to see if she wants to have brunch.
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00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,551
Something women have done
throughout herstory.
72
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:57,761
You're right.
73
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,305
Should we call her first
to make sure she doesn't have other plans?
74
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:04,309
[snorting laughter]
75
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,520
SOPHIE'S SON: Mom!
[laughing]
76
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,605
You don't get it!
77
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,108
She never had anything going on!
78
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,526
[laughs]
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00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,027
♪
80
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,946
Okay, babe, are you ready to do this?
81
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:17,281
Almost. How's my hair?
82
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,408
Oh, it's so cute.
83
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,743
[both cooing]
84
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:24,329
- Oh hey, man. You don't mind if Meredith
and I shoot a video in here, do you?
85
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:25,622
Oh yeah, it's for my social.
86
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,958
Gotta let the M-heads know that
Jesse and I are back together,
87
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,459
and he's joining me on tour.
88
00:03:29,459 --> 00:03:30,627
- M-heads?
89
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,338
BOTH:
Meredith heads. M-heads!
90
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:37,759
- Yeah. My whole album
is about our breakup,
91
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,261
and so us getting back together
92
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:42,014
is gonna be pretty big news
in the Memmunity.
93
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,683
BOTH:
The Meredith community.
94
00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:47,102
Okay, well,
95
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,146
I'm gonna need some immunity
from the Memmunity
96
00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:51,857
'cause your cuteness is killing me.
97
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,442
JESSE: Oh, awesome.
[Charlie laughs]
98
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:56,028
Exciting news, boss man.
99
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,739
I started dating again.
100
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,617
Obviously, by dating, I mean hardcore,
101
00:04:01,617 --> 00:04:03,577
no-strings-attached doinking.
102
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,204
That is right.
103
00:04:05,204 --> 00:04:07,956
Yours truly hooked up with
a comely young lady last night,
104
00:04:07,956 --> 00:04:09,708
and it was luscious.
105
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,543
Okay. Congratulations, Charlie,
106
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,670
but please do not use the words,
107
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:17,216
"doinking" or "luscious"
or "comely" again.
108
00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:18,550
Noted.
109
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,220
[both cooing]
110
00:04:21,220 --> 00:04:23,847
What on Earth are they doing
with their noses?
111
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:26,517
They are happy, and they're in love,
112
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,352
and though we have our misgivings,
113
00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:30,687
Jesse is our best friend,
so we support him.
114
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:35,192
- What I supported last night
was the full weight of a human woman.
115
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,320
- The more you talk,
the more you sound like a murderer.
116
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:42,449
♪ Got the world in ♪
117
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,451
♪ My own hands ♪
118
00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,828
♪ I'm going to work ♪
119
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:49,831
♪
120
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:53,418
♪ I'm going to work, work, work ♪
121
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:56,505
♪ I'm not here to play, play, play ♪
122
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:59,550
♪ Juice is just okay, okay, okay ♪
123
00:04:59,550 --> 00:05:02,511
♪ That horse eats hay, hay, hay ♪
124
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,137
♪ Get out of my way ♪
125
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,140
♪
126
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:12,271
♪ Don't get in my way,
I'm here to stay... ♪
127
00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:14,523
- Hello.
- Hi.
128
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,607
Ellen Gilbert.
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00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,526
It's my first day, and I need a...
130
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:19,194
pass! Pass! Pass!
131
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,283
Oh! Can you make it fast, fast, fast?
132
00:05:24,283 --> 00:05:26,952
Sorry, I just wanna hop
on the elevator with my boss.
133
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:28,787
- [elevator ding, doors open]
- You sure?
134
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:31,957
The elevator is a very small space
for your boss to be alone with...
135
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:33,000
all of this.
136
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,461
Stairs it is! [nervous laugh]
137
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:37,921
[humming]
138
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,840
I'll get my steps in.
[door opens]
139
00:05:42,134 --> 00:05:43,677
51st floor? [laughs]
140
00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,847
That's a no-go for old Ellen-o.
141
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,726
[grunting]
[knob rattling]
142
00:05:50,726 --> 00:05:52,060
♪
143
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,855
VALENTINA:
Soph! Deirdre texted back!
144
00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:57,983
"Sorry, lovelies, can't brunch today.
145
00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,736
I have a book reading
at The Ginz in 30 minutes."
146
00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:02,821
- A book reading?
What does that even mean?
147
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,157
- Maybe it auto-corrected "foot cleaning"?
148
00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:08,994
Oh... I bet it's like a open mic thing.
149
00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:10,746
We have to go.
150
00:06:10,746 --> 00:06:11,997
Already requesting a Lyft.
151
00:06:11,997 --> 00:06:13,999
♪
152
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:17,169
[bookstore chatter]
153
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:19,838
[scoffs] This can't all be
for Deirdre's thing.
154
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:22,424
Uh, excuse me. Is there another smaller,
155
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:25,052
sadder event happening here today?
156
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:26,720
Nope. Just the one book reading.
157
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,181
WOMAN:
[gasps] She's here!
158
00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:32,226
[applause]
159
00:06:32,226 --> 00:06:33,644
Hold on.
160
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:39,441
Did Pathetic Deirdre write an actual book?
161
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,151
I bet it's mostly pictures.
162
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,570
No. Words. It's all words.
163
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:46,365
- Huh? Wait,
is that how you spell "Deirdre"?
164
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:47,950
English is weird.
165
00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:49,785
♪
166
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:55,499
- My God, she always talked
about writing a book,
167
00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:58,502
and now, she's written a book?
That's so random.
168
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:01,463
Val.
169
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:04,758
Look at this chapter.
"Mimosas and Mind Games"?
170
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:08,136
We always used to have mimosas with her.
171
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,513
I think this book is about us.
172
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,516
- Stop. You're being paranoid.
DEIRDRE: Let's dive right in.
173
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,769
"In college, I met two women,
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00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,896
and I became 'friendly' with them."
175
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,732
- Could be anyone.
- "To preserve their privacy,
176
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:23,318
I will call them Sophia and Valerie."
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00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:25,696
- Okay, it's us.
[Sophie whimpers]
178
00:07:25,696 --> 00:07:27,406
♪
179
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:29,867
- Well, I will put your contact in
as first name, "the,"
180
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,828
last name,
"most beautiful girl in the world."
181
00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:38,417
You know, I'm so happy
I sprung for the 12-pack
182
00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:41,420
from Baskets USA
because looks like,
183
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,047
I'll be sending another one
out tomorrow morning.
184
00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:46,717
- Did you send your hookup
a post-sex breakup gift basket?
185
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:47,676
Of course.
186
00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,721
It's what Derek Jeter did in his prime.
187
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,807
Who knows how to do classy,
casual sex in New York City
188
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,560
better than noted American sex Yankee
Derek Jeter?
189
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,187
That is an old rumor.
190
00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:00,147
Jeter himself said it's not true.
191
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,232
Jeter, you discreet devil.
192
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,902
He will take his basketing secrets
to the grave.
193
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:07,654
- Okay, there are a couple things
to hit in this video.
194
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:10,115
- So I made some bullet points.
- What? No, babe.
195
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:12,451
You know why they're called
"bullet points"?
196
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,119
They shoot spontaneity dead. [laughs]
197
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,039
- I think we should just wing it.
- Uh, okay.
198
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:20,709
Hey, guys! I have a huge announcement.
199
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,836
- Guess who's joining me on tour?
- It's me--
200
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,755
Jesse! That's right! Jesse,
201
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:27,633
the inspiration behind Jay Street.
[nervous laugh]
202
00:08:27,633 --> 00:08:30,469
We are back together and so happy.
203
00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:33,222
- That's right--
- I can't wait to see you all on tour
204
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,891
and share our love story with you.
205
00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:39,811
Dates below, and we added a second night
in Myrtle Beach.
206
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:43,607
- Go, cocks! Quack, quack, quack! Peace!
- We-- We love... cocks.
207
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,735
- Okay. I think that's pretty good.
Should I post it?
208
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:50,155
- Uh, I-I-I don't know. You know,
that kind of felt a little bit more like
209
00:08:50,155 --> 00:08:52,449
a solo than a, than a duet to me, but...
210
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,744
- Really? Okay, we can do another one.
It's funny.
211
00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,579
Felt like you were talking a lot.
212
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:02,543
Hello, Courtney.
213
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,627
You're here.
214
00:09:04,670 --> 00:09:05,671
Um...
215
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:09,132
Courtney, this is Sid.
Sid, this is Courtney, my, um--
216
00:09:09,132 --> 00:09:11,218
His hookup from last night.
217
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,554
Sorry for the ambush.
218
00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:15,722
I usually play it cool,
219
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,558
but I thought, what the hell?
220
00:09:17,558 --> 00:09:20,143
Charlie's putting himself
out there by sending me this
221
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,854
"I like you" gift basket.
222
00:09:21,854 --> 00:09:24,857
Might as well let him know
I like him, too.
223
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,318
♪
224
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:30,487
[panting]
225
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,989
[laughing]
226
00:09:33,156 --> 00:09:35,367
Wool suit. Wool suit!
227
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,870
♪
228
00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:38,620
[sighs]
229
00:09:39,288 --> 00:09:41,540
[laughing]
230
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:45,460
♪ You're a boss bitch,
you produce witch ♪
231
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,421
[panting]
232
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:50,632
[breathless]:
I can feel the sweat...
233
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:53,427
♪ Sweat, sweat dripping down ♪
234
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,471
♪ My neck, neck, neck ♪
235
00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:58,098
51.
236
00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,185
I'm on 51! I'm on 51!
237
00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:02,769
[laughing]
238
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:03,854
[knob rattles]
239
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,106
Mother!
[text chimes]
240
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:10,569
[panting]
241
00:10:11,153 --> 00:10:12,571
[whimpers]
242
00:10:12,571 --> 00:10:15,240
[groans] Think.
243
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,284
Think. [sighs]
244
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,661
There's gotta be a way outta here.
245
00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:23,582
Oh ho! She's open! [laughs]
246
00:10:23,582 --> 00:10:27,044
♪ I'm here to shine, shine, shine ♪
247
00:10:31,089 --> 00:10:32,090
[thud]
248
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,343
[knob rattling]
249
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:38,805
♪ This is how I die, die, die ♪
250
00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:40,933
Why does this room even exist?!
251
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:43,936
♪
252
00:10:48,649 --> 00:10:51,443
"Every brunch was a masterclass
253
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,737
"in female-to-female cruelty.
254
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:56,448
"Yet, every time little blond Sophia
255
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:59,284
"and her fiery sidekick Valerie called,
256
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:00,619
I couldn't resist."
257
00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:02,996
So, I'm a sidekick now?
258
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,958
- And she called you fiery,
which is hella problematic.
259
00:11:05,958 --> 00:11:07,793
- I hate Pathetic Deirdre.
- Yeah, well,
260
00:11:07,793 --> 00:11:10,504
she clearly hates us, too,
and with good reason.
261
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:14,299
We were such passive-aggressive
mean girls to her.
262
00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:15,676
[reading continues]
263
00:11:15,676 --> 00:11:17,219
Yeah, true.
264
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,930
Do you wanna
stick around and apologize,
265
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:23,183
- do the right thing?
- [scoffs] No! Let's get outta here.
266
00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:27,229
[books clattering]
267
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:28,814
Oh, my God!
268
00:11:29,815 --> 00:11:33,569
I can't believe it,
but the real Valerie and Sophia are here.
269
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,739
This is so brave of you both.
270
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,533
Please, come join me!
271
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,618
Together, we can heal.
272
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,245
[clapping]
Come on. Come on.
273
00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:44,872
Let's support them. This isn't easy.
274
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,249
- I can't believe this is how
we get canceled.
275
00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:50,294
- I can't believe Deirdre
chose that as her author photo.
276
00:11:50,294 --> 00:11:52,379
[laughs] Stop it.
277
00:11:53,422 --> 00:11:55,090
ALL:
I'm sorry.
278
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,509
- Wait, w-why are you sorry?
279
00:11:57,509 --> 00:11:58,969
Isn't it obvious?
280
00:11:58,969 --> 00:12:01,763
I used you to make myself feel better.
281
00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,473
Before I she-toxed,
282
00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,894
I thought of you two
as my pathetic friends.
283
00:12:07,853 --> 00:12:10,522
♪
284
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,110
♪
285
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,821
How's it going over there, sex Yankee?
286
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,824
- It's great, actually.
I really misjudged Courtney.
287
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:22,201
I mean, she's lovely.
288
00:12:22,201 --> 00:12:24,244
She's funny. She's really smart.
289
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,455
She's actually a genius.
290
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:28,207
At the Apple Store.
291
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:31,043
I'm really glad that she mistook my
"thanks for the hookup" basket
292
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:33,295
for a "let's go on a real date" basket.
293
00:12:33,295 --> 00:12:36,256
- Again, neither of those
are reason to send a woman
294
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,008
salami and lotion.
295
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:39,885
You know, poor Hannah.
296
00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:41,762
Clearly stuck in a basket-less marriage.
297
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:47,559
- So, we just cannot wait
to be up on that stage
298
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:50,395
performing together for all of you.
299
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,856
Babe, do you wanna say a few words?
300
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,149
Yes, I do. Thank you.
301
00:12:54,149 --> 00:12:55,943
Um, being apart from Meredith
302
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,986
was the most difficult time of my life.
303
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:01,156
And I'm just so glad that she
asked me to get back together.
304
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,617
That's right. I took him back.
305
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,953
- Well, actually, I-I took her back.
306
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:07,621
Best decision I ever made.
307
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:11,083
...was being taken back by me
308
00:13:11,083 --> 00:13:14,169
because I took him back.
I'm the taker.
309
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:18,048
Well, actually, you were taken. By me.
310
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:19,675
[glass breaks]
311
00:13:19,675 --> 00:13:21,677
Ow! Damn it!
312
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,387
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine! Why?
313
00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:24,388
[glass breaks]
314
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,015
No reason.
315
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,476
Dude, she's gonna ruin his life again.
316
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,854
I know it.
And just like these wine glasses,
317
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:34,147
I'ma be left to pick up the pieces.
318
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,442
Is that why you broke the glasses?
319
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,820
For the metaphor?
320
00:13:40,404 --> 00:13:41,989
Ooh, what a showman.
321
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,617
[glass breaks]
322
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,786
♪
323
00:13:47,786 --> 00:13:50,455
Wait, you think we're the pathetic ones?
324
00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:54,459
- Did you not read the book?
You're what I called
325
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,003
my "could be worse-ies"
326
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,921
because whenever I was
feeling bad about myself,
327
00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,048
I would hang out with you
and think it could--
328
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,425
- We get it!
- Oh, we get it, Deirdre!
329
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,844
I know. I am not proud of it,
330
00:14:03,844 --> 00:14:06,221
but there was a time in my life
331
00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,556
where your many,
332
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:09,266
many struggles
333
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:10,809
were like my fuel.
334
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:13,812
I just bought a condo in Hoboken.
335
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,814
Huge with waterfront views.
336
00:14:16,732 --> 00:14:19,443
You two still in that
tiny walk-up in Queens?
337
00:14:19,443 --> 00:14:21,403
BOTH:
Mm-hmm.
338
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,488
I'm training for a Spartan race,
339
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:26,742
so I'm eating really clean
and in bed by 9:00.
340
00:14:26,742 --> 00:14:27,910
More bacon?
341
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:30,162
- Mm. Yeah.
- Yeah.
342
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:33,207
I just got an advance on my memoir.
343
00:14:33,207 --> 00:14:34,416
Oh!
344
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,044
You're making furniture now? Hm.
345
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:40,589
Oh, sweetie, you're thinking of armoire.
346
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,591
Oh...
347
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,719
That is not what happened at all.
348
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,848
- They're processing.
It's perfectly healthy.
349
00:14:49,848 --> 00:14:53,936
I am so sorry for exploiting
your many struggles.
350
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:56,563
Mea culpa, Sophie. Mea culpa, Valentina.
351
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:59,233
No, you may not culpa, Deirdre.
352
00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:01,777
You were the pathetic one.
353
00:15:01,777 --> 00:15:02,903
Wait, what?
354
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:04,988
We called you Pathetic Deirdre.
355
00:15:04,988 --> 00:15:06,990
That was your name. See?
356
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,993
Wow! Okay.
357
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,870
Um, She-Toxers!
358
00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:14,873
What we're seeing here
is a textbook case
359
00:15:14,873 --> 00:15:16,667
of toxic twisting.
360
00:15:16,667 --> 00:15:20,337
[women agreeing]
I think it is clear which of us up here
361
00:15:20,337 --> 00:15:21,964
was "the P word." I mean,
362
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,841
you two could barely afford brunch,
363
00:15:23,841 --> 00:15:25,759
and I bought a condo when I was 25!
364
00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:29,471
Uh, a condo in Jersey, so...
365
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:31,223
Uh, doesn't count.
366
00:15:31,223 --> 00:15:34,101
- [laughter]
- Don't laugh at that!
367
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,937
At least I am not broke and day drunk.
368
00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:39,815
We are not day drunk! Yet.
369
00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:41,567
Yeah, and you know what?
370
00:15:41,567 --> 00:15:45,028
We might not have some fancy
book with no pictures in it, okay?
371
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,488
But we have each other.
372
00:15:46,488 --> 00:15:48,615
Oh, good for you!
373
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,159
You two are so goddamn annoying!
374
00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:53,328
[crowd gasps]
375
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:56,707
...is what pre-she-tox Deirdre
would have said.
376
00:15:56,707 --> 00:16:00,252
She's a fraud! She's still toxic!
377
00:16:00,252 --> 00:16:04,131
- No! No, no, no, no, no.
I have changed, I swear.
378
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:07,593
I just find these two very triggering.
379
00:16:07,593 --> 00:16:09,887
- [scoffs] So now she's using
the word "triggering"
380
00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:12,931
to justify her bad behavior. We hate that!
381
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,767
[crowd booing]
382
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:18,979
Ooh... We are not canceled,
383
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,272
but Pathetic Deirdre is.
384
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,901
- You wanna go get day drunk?
- Yeah.
385
00:16:23,901 --> 00:16:25,444
[women chattering]
386
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,487
- Bye, D.
- Eh!
387
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,489
- VALENTINA: Good to see you!
- Uh-huh!
388
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,492
♪
389
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,244
[panting]
390
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,872
- [breathless singing]:
♪ When I crawl through the vent ♪
391
00:16:36,872 --> 00:16:40,000
♪ It's like, ooh, there she went ♪
392
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,460
[panting]
393
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:42,836
[grate clanging]
394
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,338
Goddammit!
395
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:47,883
Oh, my God.
396
00:16:47,883 --> 00:16:50,135
That's my meeting.
397
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:53,138
- Okay, first thing's first.
Let's take attendance.
398
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,890
- Kyle?
- Here.
399
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:56,600
Ellen.
400
00:16:59,061 --> 00:16:59,603
Here.
401
00:17:02,773 --> 00:17:03,524
Tomas?
402
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:05,025
Yeah!
403
00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:06,401
[clang]
[thud]
404
00:17:12,658 --> 00:17:14,493
Nice to meet you, Tomas.
405
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:17,746
♪
406
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,752
- I-I don't understand.
In what world did you take me back?
407
00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:26,171
You came to me, told me you
regretted breaking up with me,
408
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:27,840
and then asked me to go on tour with you.
409
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:30,300
Okay, yeah, sure. Those are the facts,
410
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,511
but, like, what were the vibes?
411
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,847
[groans]
Okay, okay. Fine.
412
00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,598
You took me back.
413
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:38,100
But,
414
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,561
this album, the tour,
415
00:17:40,561 --> 00:17:42,145
even this video,
416
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,815
it isn't about what actually happened.
417
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:47,609
I mean, you gotta think
about it like... this is a movie,
418
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,027
and I'm the main character.
419
00:17:49,027 --> 00:17:52,114
- If you're the main character, then what
does that make me? Like, an extra?
420
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,490
No.
421
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,704
Makes you the extremely
handsome love interest.
422
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:03,584
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right. You're right.
423
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,169
Let's just go with the first video.
424
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:06,670
- Really?
- Yes.
425
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,630
Okay, thank you.
426
00:18:09,298 --> 00:18:11,300
I'm gonna go send this to the team.
[click]
427
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,850
- You okay?
- Wha? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
428
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,226
I'm good. I'm good. We're good.
429
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,020
I was making too big of a deal
about that video, right?
430
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:25,480
I mean, she should be the main character.
She's-- It's her tour.
431
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,109
- Jesse.
- Yeah.
432
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:32,279
- Dude, Meredith's always gonna be
the main character.
433
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:35,282
She's always gonna put herself first.
434
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,492
And I-I tried to hold my tongue
'cause I know you're happy,
435
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,827
but, dude, at the end of the day,
436
00:18:38,827 --> 00:18:41,246
I just think you deserve someone
who actually loves you.
437
00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:43,040
And Meredith doesn't.
438
00:18:46,752 --> 00:18:48,253
Uh, got it.
[slaps counter]
439
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,468
- So I'll, uh,
I'll see you Saturday then.
440
00:18:54,468 --> 00:18:57,387
I was thinking we could, uh, picnic.
441
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,348
Well, we already have the basket, so...
442
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,767
- You Charlie?
- Uh, yes.
443
00:19:01,767 --> 00:19:04,603
- Got your dozen "Gourmand Paradise"
baskets from Baskets USA.
444
00:19:04,603 --> 00:19:06,855
You got a good deal, dude.
445
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,232
Sign here.
446
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:12,194
What's going on?
447
00:19:13,362 --> 00:19:15,364
It's a funny story, really. Um...
448
00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,493
Are you familiar with
New York Yankee Derek Jeter?
449
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:23,288
Oh, my God.
450
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:26,416
This is a
"thanks for a one-night stand" basket?
451
00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:27,835
Are all those other baskets for--
452
00:19:27,835 --> 00:19:29,419
- Other women that I will meet
and sleep with, yes.
453
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:32,297
- You can keep your low-rent,
post-sex basket.
454
00:19:32,297 --> 00:19:35,092
Next time,
just ghost like a normal asshole.
455
00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:36,802
- Low-rent?! Did you...
456
00:19:37,594 --> 00:19:39,596
Did you not see the truffled almonds?
457
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:41,557
I slept with Jeter.
458
00:19:41,557 --> 00:19:44,059
Real truffles and a Birkin bag.
459
00:19:46,979 --> 00:19:49,648
A bag in a basket? He is a god.
460
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,442
♪
461
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,070
[keys jingle]
462
00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:57,906
- Hey.
- Hey.
463
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,950
Just, uh, getting ahead
of packing for tour.
464
00:20:01,660 --> 00:20:04,413
- Really excited to see you
at the, uh, Long Island show.
465
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:07,499
Charlie and I are thinking of renting
a ZipCar and driving everyone up.
466
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:10,169
We're gonna write, like,
"Jesse Express-e" on the windows.
467
00:20:10,169 --> 00:20:13,005
Like, all aboard the Jesse Express-e!
Woo-woo!
468
00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,882
- Yeah, maybe, actually,
it's better if you don't come.
469
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:16,133
- Woo-- What?
470
00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:18,635
- Really?
- Really.
471
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:21,096
When I'm standing on stage
with the woman I love,
472
00:20:21,096 --> 00:20:22,389
I kinda wanna look into the audience
473
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,766
and see the faces of people
who actually support me.
474
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:27,728
Okay...
475
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:33,233
[clears throat]
476
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:40,574
Woo-woo.
477
00:20:41,450 --> 00:20:42,492
♪
478
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:48,207
♪
34408
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