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1
00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:22,689
- We both moved to Metropolis
at the same time.
- On the same block.
2
00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:26,401
- And for three years, we both
worked on the 16th floor--
- 17th floor.
3
00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:30,238
- ...at the Daily Planet where--
- I was a beat reporter
covering City Hall.
4
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:31,990
Yes, you were.
5
00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:34,284
- And I was on the sports desk
covering baseball.
- Football.
6
00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:35,827
Right, right, right.
7
00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:37,996
- For three years, we never met.
- Three whole years.
8
00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:40,039
Then one day, I was
on the F train
to get a blowout,
9
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,667
and Metallo derailed my train.
Sent it airborne.
10
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:46,588
So I, uh... [laughs]
So I caught that train
and set it down
11
00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:48,965
on top of the LexCorp building
just to talk to her.
12
00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:50,300
Yes, you did.
13
00:00:50,383 --> 00:00:51,718
I had to reschedule
my hair appointment.
14
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:01,936
[Harley] Holy shit.Do I love Valentine's Day?
15
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:05,398
Not only is it the gushiest,mushiest, most romanticday of the year,
16
00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,525
but for 24 hours,you have a bulletproof excuse
17
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:11,821
for doing super cheesy shitfor your partner.
18
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:15,033
You can eat as much chocolateas you want, no judgment.
19
00:01:15,116 --> 00:01:17,076
And it's super fuckingcold in February,
20
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:21,247
so it's the perfectexcuse to snuggle.
21
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:24,751
[sighs dramatically]
What's not to loveabout Valentine's Day?
22
00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:28,963
Oh, I don't know.
It's just one of the most
egregiously wasteful holidays
23
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,007
in terms of nonbiodegradable
packaging.
24
00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:34,594
Not to mention, an annual mass
genocide for roses.
25
00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:36,346
I could go on.
26
00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,264
Oh, come on, Ive.
This is our very first
Valentine's Day together.
27
00:01:38,348 --> 00:01:41,518
Look, turn off
the jazz documentary
and let's go out.
28
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,353
Sweetie, I'm only
on episode 11.
29
00:01:43,436 --> 00:01:45,522
Fats Waller hasn't even
gotten fat yet.
30
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:46,940
I promise, if you
let me have this one,
31
00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:48,525
I will never bring it up again.
32
00:01:48,608 --> 00:01:50,693
You will absolutely
bring it up every year.
33
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:52,070
Yeah, but with less gusto.
34
00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:54,239
Fine, fine.
Honey, fine, fine.
35
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:55,740
I'm saying, "fine."
Look at me.
I'm saying fine.
36
00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:58,827
Just as long as it's,
you know, low-key.
37
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:01,246
Fine. We'll have a quiet dinner
for two at Mama Macaroni's,
38
00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:04,874
where the breadstick basket,
much like my love for you,
is bottomless.
39
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,251
Uh, you got me there.
40
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:07,877
[sighs] All right, fine.
Let me, let me change out
41
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,505
of my bingeing sweats
and we'll get out of here.
42
00:02:13,132 --> 00:02:14,175
[guffaws]
43
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,177
It is the feast
of St. Valentine,
44
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:21,766
and I, [in sing-song voice]
Clayface, have met
a special someone online.
45
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:24,018
Dude, that's literally
Jason Momoa.
46
00:02:24,102 --> 00:02:25,478
You're getting catfished.
47
00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:28,565
Jerry from Hoboken, New Jersey
begs to differ.
48
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:31,401
Awesome. So look, if he does
end up murdering you,
49
00:02:31,484 --> 00:02:33,111
I'm not gonna identify
your corpse unless
50
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:35,488
I'm, like, in the area
and it's really convenient.
51
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:38,366
Who is pumped
for the best VD ever?
52
00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:40,243
I mean, ugh, look,
you know what I meant.
53
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:44,581
Mm-hmm.
Honey, I am so pumped
because it's gonna be great.
54
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:45,999
It's not gonna be great.
55
00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:48,042
It's gonna be the best
Valentine's Day ever!
56
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,420
Right, because it's so low-key.
57
00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:51,379
Uh-huh.
58
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:57,468
[humming]
59
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:00,972
So, Clock King tells me
you're going
60
00:03:01,055 --> 00:03:05,768
to a painting and
wine-drinking event tonight
for Valentine's Day.
61
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,271
Mmm, that sounds
colorful and fun.
62
00:03:08,354 --> 00:03:12,859
Ugh. Yeah, well, Clocky
likes it and it basically
guarantees sex,
63
00:03:12,942 --> 00:03:14,819
so I'll suffer through it.
64
00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:18,448
- I wish I had a special someone
with whom to spend the evening.
- [sighs]
65
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:20,116
Oh, here we go.
66
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:23,620
I'm on all the dating apps,
but haven't swiped right once.
67
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:25,788
I can't get past the profiles.
68
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:30,877
Does no one understand
correct grammar,
dangling modifiers,
69
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:35,548
sentence fragments,
using the word "anyways"
as a transition...
70
00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,050
It's "anyway"!
71
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:38,968
There's no "S"!
72
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,471
And as you know,
nothing turns me off more
73
00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,307
than reckless disregard
for language.
74
00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:45,516
Does anyone know that?
75
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,143
You do now.
76
00:03:47,226 --> 00:03:52,690
"Anyway," it appears
I'll be spending
my Valentine's alone
77
00:03:52,774 --> 00:03:57,487
in darkness and solitude,
where I was born.
78
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:03,076
Unless that painting
and wining event
has, uh, any openings...
79
00:04:03,159 --> 00:04:03,993
No.
80
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,329
Mmm.
81
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:09,332
[Poison Ivy]
♪ Mama MacaroniGet in my mouth ♪
82
00:04:09,415 --> 00:04:11,376
[vocalizing]
83
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,169
I have got to hand
it to you, Harls.
84
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:16,673
You've managed to keep
V-Day low-key.
85
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:18,007
I appreciate that.
86
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,510
Aw, I'm really best
at listening, ain't I?
87
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:22,345
In regards to tonight?
88
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,722
[hesitates] Yes.
89
00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,891
Ah, signoras,
it is your lucky night.
90
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,352
You have been selected
to sample a new item
91
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,312
from the chef's
experimental menu.
92
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,690
- This is a vegan La-zeat-balls.
- Ooh, yeah!
93
00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:37,402
They are a lasagna
inside a baked ziti
inside a fried meatball.
94
00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:40,321
Also known as
the Tuscan turducken.
95
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:45,201
What...
Oh, fuck my taste buds.
The fuck?
96
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:48,121
Ive, what are the odds
that your three favorite dishes
97
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:50,415
ate each other and now,
you get to eat that?
98
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,709
Harley, you're gonna have
to get in on this
before I inhale it,
99
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,712
'cause it's just like...
It's like Under the Tuscan Sun
100
00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:57,714
is, like, playing inside
my mouth right now
101
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,216
and we're, like,
in the third act where,
like, Diane Lane, just, like,
102
00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:03,261
met the American writer
and, like, they leave it
open-ended but you know
103
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:06,180
everything's going to work out
which is so artful and--
104
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:10,518
Mmm. Goddamn da ding-dong,
these are fucking good.
105
00:05:10,601 --> 00:05:11,477
[door slams open]
106
00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:14,564
Ahhh!
107
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:18,693
All right. Sorry to crash
Valentine's Day, lovebirds.
108
00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:22,613
But if the chef
don't hand over his recipe
for those La-zeat-balls,
109
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,408
we'll blow the whole ristorante
back to the old country.
110
00:05:25,491 --> 00:05:29,579
[stammering] Please,
just take the recipe,
and don't hurt nobody, huh?
111
00:05:29,662 --> 00:05:33,583
In the name of the father,
the son, and the Mama Macaroni.
112
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:35,251
Pleasure doing
business with ya.
113
00:05:35,334 --> 00:05:38,129
Come on, boys.
Andiamo-ce.
114
00:05:38,212 --> 00:05:40,798
- [both groan in disgust]
- [Poison Ivy] Go, go, go.
115
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,221
Okay. We have to do something.
116
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,266
That recipe cannot fall
into the wrong hands.
117
00:05:50,349 --> 00:05:52,143
It's just too damn delicious.
118
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,522
Getaway car is headed
toward Robinson Park.
119
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,108
Ha-ha! Wrong move,
you dipshits.
120
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:03,029
You just picked
the most densely-planted park
in all of Gotham.
121
00:06:03,112 --> 00:06:05,490
- Hyah!
- [horse neighs]
122
00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:06,574
[Poison Ivy] Whoo!
123
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:08,534
[yelps]
124
00:06:16,834 --> 00:06:17,668
[groans]
125
00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:24,801
[thugs shout indistinctly]
126
00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:26,177
[thug] Ahhh!
127
00:06:30,890 --> 00:06:33,309
Please, ladies. Don't kill us.
128
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:37,647
Fork it over. Fork over
the La-zeat-balls recipe,
you fuckstick.
129
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,232
We were just the middle men.
130
00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:42,110
[stammers] We was hired
by the CEO of Luxor Oil.
131
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:44,987
Yeah, his appetite for
unsustainable fossil fuel
132
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:48,825
and new takes on traditional
Italian cooking
are both insatiable.
133
00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:49,992
[helicopter whirring]
134
00:06:52,703 --> 00:06:56,666
Turn over the recipe
for the La-zeat-balls, Ivy,
135
00:06:56,749 --> 00:06:59,794
or else the love
of your life dies.
136
00:06:59,877 --> 00:07:02,755
And on Valentine's Day,
no less.
137
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:04,173
[laughing maniacally]
138
00:07:08,219 --> 00:07:09,345
Ahhh!
139
00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:12,181
That's right.
I just gave you the bird.
140
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:16,811
As in whirlybird,
which is another name
for helicop--
141
00:07:16,894 --> 00:07:18,396
You know what? Just never mind.
142
00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:21,190
It doesn't matter.
I'm... I'm alive,
and you're dead.
143
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,441
Oh, my God, Ive. It's over.
144
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,236
You saved me. You saved us all.
145
00:07:26,904 --> 00:07:31,450
Wait, Harley.
Did... did you stage all
of this for me?
146
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,244
- Yeah.
- I thought it was the only way
147
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:36,581
you'd let me give you
the best Valentine's Day ever.
148
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:38,749
What about the oil exec?
149
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,960
That was actually
the CEO of Luxor Oil.
150
00:07:41,043 --> 00:07:42,879
I had him shipped in,
special for you,
151
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,630
and told him I'd kill him
unless he pointed a gun at me.
[chuckles]
152
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,382
I know it wasn't exactly
low-key like you asked for.
153
00:07:46,465 --> 00:07:50,011
- But, you know, it was, uh--
- I love you so much, peanut.
154
00:07:50,094 --> 00:07:53,097
That's your cue, Etrigan.
155
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:57,560
Hellfire from below,
glow from death and decay,
156
00:07:57,643 --> 00:08:01,898
light up the sky
for St. Valentine's Day.
157
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:03,274
[laughing]
158
00:08:06,944 --> 00:08:08,404
[horse nickers]
159
00:08:08,487 --> 00:08:13,075
So, would you say this is
the best Valentine's Day ever?
160
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,912
It's so, so great.
161
00:08:17,830 --> 00:08:18,664
Great.
162
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:22,251
Yeah, great. Sure.
163
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:25,755
A while back, around 2500 BC,
when I went by Prince Khufu,
164
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,757
I was in the market
having beers
165
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,176
with a buddy of mine
named Asim, and this
gorgeous Princess Chay-Ara
166
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,803
makes a grand entrance
with this whole entourage.
167
00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:34,096
[giggles] It's me.
168
00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:35,431
And I say to Asim,
169
00:08:35,514 --> 00:08:36,933
"You see that woman?
170
00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,851
- I'm going to marry her."
- [giggles]
171
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:41,354
Now, this was ancient Egypt,
so she didn't have
much of a choice.
172
00:08:41,437 --> 00:08:43,397
- Yeah, no choice, no choice.
- Two weeks later,
we were married,
173
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,274
- and it lasted about 40 years.
- Lovely years.
174
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:47,193
- And then we were
murdered by Hittites.
- Murdered horribly.
175
00:08:47,276 --> 00:08:50,363
- But we were reincarnated
and found each other again.
- We did.
176
00:08:50,446 --> 00:08:52,240
- We married. We died.
- Yeah.
177
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,616
- We got reincarnated.
- Yup.
178
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:54,951
- Time and again--
- Again.
179
00:08:55,034 --> 00:08:57,036
...we always managed
to find each other.
180
00:08:57,119 --> 00:09:00,748
And here we are,
5,000 years later,
still together.
181
00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,251
[funky music playing]
182
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:10,132
[rat squeaking]
183
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,638
[line ringing]
184
00:09:15,721 --> 00:09:19,225
- [man] Yeah?
- Jerry, it is I, Clayface.
185
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:23,604
So eager to meet
you in the flesh,
yet, uh, mystified
186
00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:27,233
that the address seems
to be in Crime Alley.
187
00:09:27,316 --> 00:09:28,693
Yeah, that's right.
188
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,820
It's a... It's a newvegan coffee shop.
189
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,072
It just opened in the verydarkest part.
190
00:09:33,155 --> 00:09:37,952
[laughing] Mystery solved
through the miracle
of gentrification.
191
00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,036
OMW.
192
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,455
[rats squeaking]
193
00:09:41,539 --> 00:09:43,124
[Clayface] Hmm.
194
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,792
[muttering indistinctly]
195
00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:47,044
There it is. Is that it?
No, that's not it.
Wait a minute.
196
00:09:47,128 --> 00:09:50,256
Vegan coffee shop,
vegan coffee shop.
197
00:09:50,339 --> 00:09:51,340
Wait a minute.
198
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:53,342
All coffee is vegan.
199
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:54,885
I've been had.
200
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,679
[in Australian accent]
Well, that was a piece of piss.
201
00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,306
Jerry from Hoboken?
202
00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:04,478
Aw, you brought me a flower.
You bloody drongo.
203
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,355
Oh, dear.
204
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:09,275
I don't believe I understood
a word you said.
205
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,529
[Clayface groaning]
206
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,199
[grunts]
207
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,538
Are you bloody serious, mate?
208
00:10:22,621 --> 00:10:24,582
You don't have any cash.
209
00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:30,921
Just two nosebleed seat tickets
to some shitty show
at Gotham Amphitheater.
210
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:32,882
I was going to surprise you.
211
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,509
Well, now I'm defo
gonna kill ya.
212
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:37,595
Ahhh!
213
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,098
{\an8}Ah! Too-roo.
214
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,730
[groans softly]
I'm so glad you
talked me into that.
215
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:49,273
That... What a great night.
216
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,233
Yeah. No. I'm glad
you thought it was great.
217
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,235
Which is a word reserved
for things that are the very
best they can be.
218
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,905
Like how a Greatest Hits album
is full of a band's best songs
219
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,074
or how the Great Depression
was the best depression. So...
220
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,408
Uh...
221
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,118
Wait, what the fuck
are you talking about?
222
00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:03,079
I just wanted to throw you
the best V-Day you ever had.
223
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:05,206
Oh, my God!
Would you look at me,
you psycho?
224
00:11:05,289 --> 00:11:09,668
It was the greatest
Valentine's Day
that I have ever had.
225
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,253
Ugh, now I'm going to go
take a shower
226
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,090
because I'm covered
in brimstone soot from hell
227
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:17,468
thanks to Etrigan's
gorgeous fireworks.
228
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:18,469
Mm-kay?
229
00:11:18,552 --> 00:11:19,553
Yeah, yeah, cool. Okay, cool.
230
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:20,513
Sure. Mm-hmm.
231
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,438
[giggles]
Happy Valentine's Day.
232
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,525
- Oh, nice night for you.
- [woman giggles]
233
00:11:37,571 --> 00:11:40,074
Stupid Valentine's Day.
234
00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:45,830
- [woman] Hey!
- Huh?
235
00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,164
- Ooh.
- You get lost?
236
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,959
Yeah, my GPS took
me a block away, too.
237
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,836
[sputters] What?
238
00:11:51,919 --> 00:11:53,254
Come on, we're... we're late.
239
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:58,426
[hesitating] Okay, why not?
240
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:04,432
- Uh, name's Betty, by the way.
- I am Bane.
241
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,809
I like it.
Mine's a stage name too.
242
00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,644
[whispers]
Real name's Elizabeth.
243
00:12:08,727 --> 00:12:10,438
So look, this client
is pretty demanding.
244
00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:12,106
He knows if you're
holding back on him.
245
00:12:12,189 --> 00:12:13,983
So, let's get
hypothetical here.
246
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,610
{\an8}If you're spanking me
or humiliating me
or torching my anus,
247
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:18,821
am I gonna feel it
in the morning?
248
00:12:18,904 --> 00:12:22,658
It would be extremely
painful for you.
249
00:12:22,741 --> 00:12:23,993
You're gonna do great.
[slaps]
250
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:27,037
Um, what exactly
is going on here?
251
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:29,206
Hey, Happy Valentine's Day.
252
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,417
Oh, hey. Thank you.
253
00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,172
Oh, Steve.
254
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,048
[knocking at door]
255
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:39,884
Ugh, what now?
256
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,511
Wonder Woman,
Themyscira needs your help.
257
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,264
- What's happened?
- The island is under attack.
258
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:48,893
- By who?
- Uh, by... by some dudes.
259
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:51,479
What? There's no men
allowed on Themyscira.
260
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:53,856
Yeah, exactly.
That's why we're all so pissed.
261
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,608
They all just, like,
landed on the island.
262
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:58,444
And one of them was like,
"I'm gonna teabag
the fucking...
263
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,863
sacred artifact thing
you guys love."
264
00:13:00,946 --> 00:13:03,699
- The Oculus of the Argo?
- Yes. Exactly. That.
265
00:13:03,782 --> 00:13:05,034
[gasps] It's sacred.
266
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:08,037
This is what I'm saying.
We gotta get going.
267
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,540
Wait! Why didn't you light
a signal fire to alert me?
268
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,668
We did. But one of those
assholes peed out the fire.
269
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,629
We were all like,
"Dude, what the fuck?
270
00:13:16,712 --> 00:13:18,130
So disrespectful."
271
00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:19,048
Oh.
272
00:13:24,136 --> 00:13:26,138
Wait. This seems odd to me.
273
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:28,766
Hey, if you don't believe me,
hear it straight
from the Queen.
274
00:13:28,849 --> 00:13:31,810
Help me, Diana.You're our only hope.
275
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,438
Great Hera! I'm coming.
276
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,945
Thank you, Cameo.
Best 40 bucks I've ever spent.
277
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:44,865
And may your quinceanerabe suited for the gods.
278
00:13:46,450 --> 00:13:49,370
So, I'm sitting
in my dermatologist's office.
279
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,080
I had a mole
that looked a little weird.
280
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,706
He's a total hypochondriac.
281
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:54,583
A melanoma is no joke.
282
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,920
[whines and clears throat]
So, anyway, I'm there,
283
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:02,591
and this one walks in.
And immediately,
I'm like, "Wow--"
284
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,426
I looked awful.
285
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:07,513
I had literally just been
to hell and back.
I was summoning a succubus.
286
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,224
But to me,
she looked beautiful.
287
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:13,978
So anyway, I say,
"Hey, any spawns of Satan
come through here?"
288
00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:18,148
And I go, "Well, you're
probably looking
for the law firm next door."
289
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,900
Uh, which, you know,
cheesy joke.
290
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:21,026
It was cute.
291
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,028
Sometimes I'm cute.
[purrs]
292
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:27,366
Oh, I am slain.
293
00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:28,284
{\an8}[groans softly]
294
00:14:28,367 --> 00:14:30,619
[screams] Help me!
295
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,289
♪ Ah, I am slain ♪
296
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:36,292
Ah! I am slain.
I need help.
297
00:14:36,375 --> 00:14:39,128
No, I am slain and need help.
298
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,380
Oh, my lesser half.
299
00:14:41,463 --> 00:14:43,674
Come, let Daddy reabsorb you.
300
00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:45,050
"Lesser half"? What?
301
00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,803
What makes you think
I cannot reabsorb you?
302
00:14:47,886 --> 00:14:50,598
Because your face
is where my ass should be.
303
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:53,309
I mean, I'm clearly
the dominant half.
304
00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:58,814
Oh, what does it matter?
305
00:14:58,897 --> 00:15:01,191
We are as broken as that rose.
306
00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:06,572
Let us just clasp hands
and reabsorb each other,
and then we will be...
307
00:15:06,655 --> 00:15:08,741
[wails] Alone!
308
00:15:08,824 --> 00:15:11,827
{\an8}My God, you're right.
Alone.
309
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:13,621
{\an8}Forever an outcast.
310
00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:14,997
No one to love.
311
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,874
Or be loved by.
312
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:18,626
[whimpers]
313
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,378
[both wail] A monster!
314
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:31,764
♪ What'sa matter you? ♪
315
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:34,767
♪ Gotta no respect ♪
316
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:36,685
♪ Whadda you think you do ♪
317
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,646
♪ Why you look-a so sad?♪
318
00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:40,397
♪ It's-a not so bad ♪
319
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,857
♪ It's-a nice-a place ♪
320
00:15:41,940 --> 00:15:43,859
♪ Ah, shaddap-a you face ♪
321
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:46,362
[both laughing]
322
00:15:46,445 --> 00:15:48,113
Oh, that's wonderful.
323
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,991
How delightful
that you remember
the song from our childhood!
324
00:15:51,075 --> 00:15:52,368
The one the...
325
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:54,411
[together] ...handsy pizza guy
used to sing.
326
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,372
- [both laughing]
- Oh.
327
00:15:56,455 --> 00:16:01,418
I have never met anyone
that I connected to so
quickly and completely.
328
00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,046
Might I ask,
329
00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,715
how do you identify?
330
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,467
You know, sexually.
331
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:11,762
I identify as fluid.
332
00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:13,263
As do I.
333
00:16:19,978 --> 00:16:20,813
[grunts]
334
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,608
[groaning]
335
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,904
Harley, what the fuck
are you doing?
336
00:16:28,987 --> 00:16:30,197
Stop, wait...
337
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,116
Wait, is this the real
Lasso of Truth?
338
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:34,910
Oh, wait a second.
Is this the one that you got
from Halloween
339
00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:37,871
when you tried to go as
Wonder Wolf-man
and no one got it?
340
00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:42,251
I was a wolf wearing
a Wonder Woman suit.
It made perfect fucking sense.
341
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:44,753
But no, this is the real
Lasso of Truth.
I just stole it.
342
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,548
May I ask why you did
this very stupid thing?
343
00:16:48,507 --> 00:16:50,092
Ivy,
344
00:16:50,175 --> 00:16:54,054
was this the best
Valentine's Day
that you have ever had?
345
00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:57,224
Y... No, it was top three.
346
00:16:57,307 --> 00:16:58,183
Bah! Fuck.
347
00:16:58,267 --> 00:16:59,518
I fucking knew it.
348
00:16:59,601 --> 00:17:01,895
Top three, very good.
349
00:17:01,979 --> 00:17:03,480
Let me out of this thing.
350
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:06,608
Hey, Harley, who cares?
351
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:10,279
It was a great Valentine's Day.
Great.
352
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:12,781
[shrieking]
Stop saying things are great.
353
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:14,867
[sighs in exasperation]
354
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,910
With the Joker,
every single year,
355
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,662
I made sure
that Valentine's Day was better
than the one before it.
356
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,706
And although my credit score
is now absolute shit
357
00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:24,835
and I am banned for life
from most of Gotham City's
craft supply stores,
358
00:17:24,918 --> 00:17:26,003
[screams] I did it!
359
00:17:26,086 --> 00:17:26,962
Well, guess what?
360
00:17:27,045 --> 00:17:28,714
I'm not the Joker.
361
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:30,340
I don't give a shit.
362
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:33,510
I had a splendid, splendid--
That's an okay word, right?
363
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,180
...Valentine's Day
and now, I would love
364
00:17:36,263 --> 00:17:37,723
to end it by bingeing
365
00:17:37,806 --> 00:17:40,476
one of the many fine scripted
or non-scripted shows
366
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:43,562
that HBO Max has to offer,
then have some sex,
367
00:17:43,645 --> 00:17:45,022
and go to bed.
368
00:17:45,105 --> 00:17:47,733
Like, perfect ending
to a perfect Valentine's Day.
369
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:48,817
Ping.
370
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,402
Well, not perfect, right?
371
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:52,488
[sighs in exasperation] Harley.
372
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:55,199
Okay, okay. Why don't you
figure out something to watch
while I hit the head?
373
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:01,663
Just FYI, it's gonna
take a bit, okay?
I ate something weird.
374
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,458
I might have that thing
where my legs fall asleep
and you know the rest.
375
00:18:08,587 --> 00:18:10,339
[sensual rock music playing]
376
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:14,092
[Bane] So, Betty, uh,
how did you get into this,
uh, line of work?
377
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:16,053
Well, I used to be
an accountant
378
00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:19,014
and just sitting all day
in those shitty chairs
with no lumbar support...
379
00:18:19,097 --> 00:18:22,893
Oh, my God.
The lumbar, always ignored.
380
00:18:22,976 --> 00:18:24,228
Tell me about it.
381
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:26,647
They never want to spring
for a good chair.
382
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:30,359
But you know what
happens when you're not
comfortable at work?
383
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:31,819
Yeah, productivity goes down.
384
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:35,739
Exactly.
Penny-wise, pound-foolish.
385
00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:37,533
[laughs]
I feel like I know you.
386
00:18:37,616 --> 00:18:39,618
I was thinking the same.
387
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:43,038
[stammers] And I hope
this isn't too forward,
388
00:18:43,121 --> 00:18:46,416
but how would you like
to come to my place after this?
389
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,711
[stammering]
But this... Can I?
390
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:54,049
Yes, I would like that
very much.
391
00:18:54,132 --> 00:18:57,302
Hey, uh, is ignoring me
part of the experience?
392
00:18:57,386 --> 00:19:00,973
Because, if so, it's more
annoying than humiliating.
393
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,892
[shrieking] Shut up!
What are you gonna
do about it,
394
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:09,147
you baby-dicked piece of shit?
With your tiny penis?
395
00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:10,649
Thank you.
396
00:19:11,775 --> 00:19:13,777
Oh, where'd it go?
397
00:19:13,861 --> 00:19:17,823
I need my electron microscope
if I'm gonna find that nub.
398
00:19:17,906 --> 00:19:19,199
Hey, get in on this, huh?
399
00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,910
I mean, I'm looking at it
and, and, uh--
400
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,288
How can you see it?
I can't.
401
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:26,582
It's so small.
402
00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:31,837
Well, I, I mean, I don't know
if small is the word I would
use or, or, or tight, I don't--
403
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,255
No, she's right.
404
00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:35,257
It looks like one of those
pissing fountain cherubs.
405
00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,926
- Go on. Have another look.
- [Bane hesitates]
406
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:42,848
Damn, it was a genuine pleasure
watching you work, Bane.
407
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:45,183
Uh, thanks, I guess.
408
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:50,606
So, we still have a few hours
of Valentine's Day left,
and my offer still stands.
409
00:19:50,689 --> 00:19:51,940
My place or yours?
410
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:55,027
Hmm... Let's do yours.
My place is a pit.
411
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:58,030
Well, my place
is covered in cat hair.
412
00:19:58,113 --> 00:19:59,448
So, let's toss a coin?
413
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:00,657
[both laugh]
414
00:20:00,741 --> 00:20:02,618
I'll call a car.
415
00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:06,955
Hey, uh, did you mean
what you said to that guy
about the size of his penis?
416
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:11,501
I'm sure he's not
packing the kind of heat
you're packing, big guy.
417
00:20:11,585 --> 00:20:14,963
[laughs nervously]
For sure. Absolutely.
418
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:18,342
I am surely packing much
more heat than this man who
419
00:20:18,425 --> 00:20:24,681
most people would agree has
a very decently-sized penis.
[laughing nervously]
420
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,725
I can't wait to see for myself.
421
00:20:26,808 --> 00:20:28,310
You and me both.
422
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:32,272
Hey, why don't
you go ahead and text me
your address?
423
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,983
I just need to make
a quick stop first to, um,
424
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,820
grab a hoagie and carbo-load
for our lovemaking.
425
00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:40,113
Mmm, don't be long.
426
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,282
You'll see how long I am.
427
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,576
[giggles] Oh, my.
428
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,411
Uh, okay.
429
00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:52,793
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit.
430
00:21:02,260 --> 00:21:05,180
[in menacing voice]
If you've come here
to feed your foolish vice,
431
00:21:05,263 --> 00:21:08,016
[in normal voice]
it's Valentine's Day.
It's all half price.
432
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:09,810
I got a specific request
for ya, E-man.
433
00:21:09,893 --> 00:21:12,396
How do I put this?
I'm kind of,
sort of, looking for--
434
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:13,355
A sex spell.
435
00:21:13,438 --> 00:21:14,898
How'd you know?
436
00:21:14,982 --> 00:21:17,067
Just the bulk
of our business
all year round.
437
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:20,362
Helping those who
wish to... [chuckling]
438
00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:22,030
bone down.
439
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,324
Okay. I want to give Ive
the best Valentine's Day
she's ever had.
440
00:21:24,408 --> 00:21:27,744
Which naturally
means the biggest orgasm
she's ever had.
441
00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,663
Like, you know, some crazy shit
442
00:21:29,746 --> 00:21:31,164
where our neighbors
think someone died
and they call the cops.
443
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:33,625
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, do I know.
444
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:35,544
I may have just the spell.
445
00:21:35,627 --> 00:21:38,171
And I'll throw in some
cleaner to, you know,
take away the smell.
446
00:21:38,255 --> 00:21:41,800
It's like 40% creepier
that you make it rhyme,
but, you know, whatever.
447
00:21:43,719 --> 00:21:45,387
[in menacing voice]
Read this out loud
448
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,056
and you shall summon
a power that will
have you both--
449
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,058
Okay, okay.
I get it. I get it.
450
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,601
"Double, double,
toil and trouble.
451
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:53,603
Beyonce's thighs
and Clooney's stubble.
452
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:57,858
Ass of Meloni
and eye of Zendaya,
tossed into a hellish fire.
453
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:02,404
Whoa!
454
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:03,989
So what, now I'm like
a sex machine?
455
00:22:04,072 --> 00:22:07,242
The next person you bed
shall feel divine.
456
00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:10,245
Tax included,
that'll be, uh, $49.99.
457
00:22:10,328 --> 00:22:13,081
Oh, and I think it's
pronounced Zen-day-a.
458
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:14,207
Zen-day-a.
459
00:22:18,628 --> 00:22:19,921
[huffing]
460
00:22:21,214 --> 00:22:22,299
[Poison Ivy] Hey, Harls?
461
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:24,926
[Harley groaning]
462
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:26,511
You okay in there, babe?
463
00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:28,972
Is this, uh,
is this La-zeat-balls
related or--
464
00:22:29,056 --> 00:22:32,601
Sorry, babe. Took a little time
to get the trains running.
But run, they did.
465
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:36,521
Totally thought about
what you said about how
this Valentine's Day was great,
466
00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:37,814
and I should not obsess,
467
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:39,566
and I think you're right.
468
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:41,610
Listen, I don't need
to go overboard
and try to woo you.
469
00:22:41,693 --> 00:22:43,070
We just hang out here
470
00:22:43,153 --> 00:22:46,823
and be with each other,
and it will be great.
471
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:49,951
I'm, like, so
turned on right now.
472
00:22:50,035 --> 00:22:51,703
Oh, you don't wanna
watch a show first?
473
00:22:51,787 --> 00:22:54,331
I cannot believe
I'm saying this, but...
474
00:22:55,874 --> 00:22:56,750
No.
475
00:22:56,833 --> 00:22:58,710
[kissing and moaning]
476
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:08,345
[yowls]
477
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:32,160
[Harley moans]
478
00:23:32,244 --> 00:23:33,411
[Poison Ivy groans]
479
00:23:35,997 --> 00:23:38,375
- [Poison Ivy] Oh, wow!
- [Harley] Oh, my fucking God.
480
00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:40,127
Wow, wow, wow.
481
00:23:40,210 --> 00:23:42,295
[Poison Ivy vocalizes]
482
00:23:46,049 --> 00:23:49,886
♪ It's the right thing for me ♪
483
00:23:49,970 --> 00:23:52,347
[screams] Yeow! Yeah!
[laughs]
484
00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:56,351
Whoa!
485
00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:58,728
- [exhales]
- That was...
486
00:23:58,812 --> 00:24:01,731
Yeah, I've um...
487
00:24:01,815 --> 00:24:05,193
[chuckles] Shit, I don't
[inhales]
488
00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:09,865
know if I've ever had
anything quite like that.
489
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,241
Um--
490
00:24:11,324 --> 00:24:12,576
Are you saying that was
the best you've ever had?
491
00:24:12,659 --> 00:24:14,161
Not that that matters at all.
492
00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:16,163
We're not saying
what's the best
and not the best.
493
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:18,165
But if we were ranking things,
which we're not,
would you say that?
494
00:24:18,248 --> 00:24:21,835
Yeah, I... I... I think so.
495
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:23,837
But if you take
that Lasso of Truth
and put it around me,
496
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,214
I swear to God,
I will strangle you with it.
So...
497
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:27,674
- [Harley] Fuck yeah!
- [Poison Ivy] ...fair warning.
498
00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:28,758
[man screaming]
I'm so fucking horny!
499
00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:29,718
What the hell?
500
00:24:31,970 --> 00:24:33,305
[woman] Yes!
501
00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:36,016
[people moaning and groaning]
502
00:24:36,099 --> 00:24:39,686
They're doing it
right there in the street,
like animals.
503
00:24:39,769 --> 00:24:41,605
What the fuck is happening?
504
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:45,066
Well, I grew up
in the underwater
kingdom of Xebel,
505
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,402
and was raised as an assassin.
506
00:24:47,485 --> 00:24:49,321
Eventually, I was sent
to the surface world
507
00:24:49,404 --> 00:24:51,907
to hunt down
the future monarch of Atlantis.
508
00:24:51,990 --> 00:24:53,491
And I was that future monarch.
509
00:24:53,575 --> 00:24:55,785
Well, clearly,
I failed on my mission.
510
00:24:55,869 --> 00:24:59,289
What can I say?
I can be pretty charming.
[laughs]
511
00:24:59,372 --> 00:25:01,249
She does have
a solid left hook, though.
512
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:04,920
We got married within a year,
which turned out to be
513
00:25:05,003 --> 00:25:08,465
the only thing in centuries
that could unite
our respective kingdoms.
514
00:25:08,548 --> 00:25:11,843
It just goes to show you
that two parties from two
totally different walks,
515
00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:14,679
swims of life,
can be stronger together.
516
00:25:14,763 --> 00:25:17,599
There's no hope
for surface dwellers, though.
517
00:25:17,682 --> 00:25:18,725
They're whale excrement.
518
00:25:18,808 --> 00:25:19,851
She's kidding.
519
00:25:19,935 --> 00:25:21,186
- She's--
- I'm not kidding.
520
00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,606
Ugh, fine. I'm kidding.
521
00:25:24,689 --> 00:25:26,107
[softly] I'm not kidding.
522
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:27,400
[giggles]
Oh, how my clay
523
00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:31,905
aches for you,
my [vocalizes] love.
524
00:25:31,988 --> 00:25:34,115
As does mine for you, my dear.
525
00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:37,619
{\an8}Our hearts literally
beat as one and yet...
526
00:25:37,702 --> 00:25:41,081
We are forever unable to touch
lest I reabsorb you,
527
00:25:41,164 --> 00:25:46,294
forever wiping
that beautiful face
from [vocalizes] existence.
528
00:25:46,378 --> 00:25:51,633
We are the doomed
product of a liaison
between twin mistresses,
529
00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:54,010
Fate and Irony.
530
00:25:54,094 --> 00:25:58,098
But I suppose we can
still love each other
and never touch.
531
00:25:58,181 --> 00:26:01,351
It is the way
of the American marriage.
532
00:26:01,434 --> 00:26:02,727
Absolutely.
533
00:26:02,811 --> 00:26:06,064
We are adults,
we can control our own libido.
534
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:09,693
[both groaning in surprise]
535
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,906
- [both sighing]
- Oh, no!
536
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:17,158
We mustn't mix media.
537
00:26:17,242 --> 00:26:19,411
[horses neighing]
538
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:20,662
[both groaning in disgust]
539
00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:25,542
[in menacing voice]
I'm sorry, sir.
You're too late.
540
00:26:25,625 --> 00:26:27,043
Close at 9:00.
541
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:29,838
- [in normal voice] It's 9:08.
- You have to help me.
542
00:26:29,921 --> 00:26:31,965
It's an emergency, okay?
543
00:26:32,048 --> 00:26:34,718
Men are from Mars.
Women, Venus. Let me guess.
544
00:26:34,801 --> 00:26:36,553
You want to have
a bigger penis, right?
545
00:26:36,636 --> 00:26:38,013
I... Well...
546
00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:41,516
Yeah, I... I mean, my penis
is actually a good size.
547
00:26:41,599 --> 00:26:45,103
It's just that my body
is actually also
incredibly large.
548
00:26:45,186 --> 00:26:47,814
It's like if you took
Kawhi Leonard's hands
549
00:26:47,897 --> 00:26:50,650
and you put them on
Andre the Giant's body.
550
00:26:50,734 --> 00:26:52,861
Everybody knows Kawhi has--
551
00:26:52,944 --> 00:26:55,071
[in menacing voice]
No matter its size,
this will enlarge.
552
00:26:55,155 --> 00:26:57,991
- Now, how will you be paying,
cash or charge?
- Hmm.
553
00:26:58,074 --> 00:27:00,243
Oh, my God. Take my money.
554
00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:04,914
So I just recite
the incantation
555
00:27:04,998 --> 00:27:08,960
while applying the potion
to the problem area.
556
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:10,628
Easy-peasy.
557
00:27:10,712 --> 00:27:12,714
{\an8}"Do not take if you
have kidney problems
or are pregnant."
558
00:27:12,797 --> 00:27:15,550
Yada, yada, yada.
Okay, here you go.
559
00:27:15,633 --> 00:27:21,598
"Take pity on my shrunken
junk and turn this twig
to redwood trunk."
560
00:27:21,681 --> 00:27:25,977
Okay. Yes.
I definitely
feel something.
561
00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:29,105
[groans] Is it supposed
to burn like this?
562
00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:33,151
Ooh, ow! Ugh, ow! Ow!
563
00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:34,527
God damn it!
564
00:27:35,570 --> 00:27:37,655
[reading]
565
00:27:37,739 --> 00:27:39,991
Well, that is a fuck
to the face.
566
00:27:41,201 --> 00:27:43,244
[straining]
567
00:27:45,121 --> 00:27:49,167
Bane, you impetuous fool.
568
00:27:49,250 --> 00:27:52,253
You're so stupid.
569
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,925
And also...
570
00:27:57,008 --> 00:28:01,471
so uncontrollably horny.
571
00:28:01,554 --> 00:28:03,264
[squelching]
572
00:28:06,559 --> 00:28:07,644
[roars softly]
573
00:28:07,727 --> 00:28:09,854
[woman moaning in pleasure]
574
00:28:10,855 --> 00:28:12,941
[people moaning in pleasure]
575
00:28:14,776 --> 00:28:16,611
Okay, well, don't get mad.
576
00:28:16,694 --> 00:28:19,447
But I may have used
a magic spell to give you
577
00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,449
the best sex you've
ever had in your entire life.
578
00:28:21,533 --> 00:28:24,577
Harley. [groans]
579
00:28:24,661 --> 00:28:27,497
Oh, you can't possibly
be mad at me for getting
you off too good.
580
00:28:27,580 --> 00:28:29,290
That is not a thing.
581
00:28:29,374 --> 00:28:35,255
I... I... Well, I think
I can when this...
this is happening.
582
00:28:35,338 --> 00:28:38,133
Look, if the end result
of this is just that everyone
is super horny
583
00:28:38,216 --> 00:28:41,344
and they all go and have
amazing consensual sex
on Valentine's Day,
584
00:28:41,428 --> 00:28:43,346
then I really don't
see the problem.
585
00:28:43,430 --> 00:28:45,348
- [sighs] Oh.
- [man] ...my head all the way
down to my toes.
586
00:28:45,432 --> 00:28:46,641
Shit, man. You got a point.
587
00:28:46,724 --> 00:28:48,476
[loud banging]
588
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,271
- [woman] Ahhh!
- [man] Oh, my God. No, run!
589
00:28:51,354 --> 00:28:56,776
My libido knows no bounds.
590
00:28:56,860 --> 00:28:58,653
Ahhh!
591
00:28:59,779 --> 00:29:02,615
- [people screaming]
- [man] Run!
592
00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:08,872
I, uh, uh...
Somebody else did that.
593
00:29:08,955 --> 00:29:12,500
Okay, yeah. That's obviously
an unforeseen problem
we must address.
594
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:14,752
- [woman moaning in pleasure]
- [spanking]
595
00:29:14,836 --> 00:29:18,590
[Darkseid] I was delivering
the keynote at the Republican
National Convention
596
00:29:18,673 --> 00:29:22,510
when I saw her cold, dead eyes
from across the room.
597
00:29:22,594 --> 00:29:29,684
I demanded she sit at my side,
as queen of Apokolips,
or else I would destroy her.
598
00:29:29,767 --> 00:29:33,605
She asked to see my last
three bank statements.
599
00:29:33,688 --> 00:29:37,025
I enjoy our chit-chats
the most.
600
00:29:37,108 --> 00:29:40,695
We never run out of subjects
to talk about it.
601
00:29:40,778 --> 00:29:43,156
Darkseid is... is...
602
00:29:44,449 --> 00:29:45,617
in love.
603
00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:53,208
Did my heart love till now?
Forswear it, sight.
604
00:29:53,291 --> 00:29:57,253
For I ne'er saw true beauty
till this...
605
00:29:57,337 --> 00:29:59,005
♪ Night ♪
606
00:29:59,088 --> 00:30:04,177
It is agony to be so close
and yet so far, my inamorato.
607
00:30:04,260 --> 00:30:05,428
[rubber stretching]
608
00:30:08,097 --> 00:30:09,682
I'm getting nothing.
609
00:30:09,766 --> 00:30:11,893
- [both struggling]
- [glass breaking]
610
00:30:13,436 --> 00:30:15,438
- [whimpers]
- Ahhh!
611
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,692
The only thing worse
than not being with you...
612
00:30:19,776 --> 00:30:23,655
...is being with you
but unable to be inside you.
613
00:30:23,738 --> 00:30:27,492
It would seem our love
is, indeed, star-crossed.
614
00:30:30,787 --> 00:30:32,455
Goodbye, my love.
615
00:30:32,539 --> 00:30:33,748
Goodbye.
616
00:30:33,831 --> 00:30:35,458
I shall take some comfort
in knowing
617
00:30:35,542 --> 00:30:38,586
that somewhere out there,
my soulmate wanders.
618
00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:43,091
Here, before you go,
please accept these tickets
I bought for us
619
00:30:43,174 --> 00:30:48,555
for Mr. Brett Goldstein's
one-man show.
at Gotham Amphitheater.
620
00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:50,431
Alas, I cannot.
621
00:30:50,515 --> 00:30:55,937
{\an8}I have a hole in my heart
that not even Ted Lasso's
Roy Kent can fill.
622
00:30:57,522 --> 00:30:58,398
[elevator dings]
623
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:06,698
Non-refundable? Mr. Goldstein,
I am on my way.
624
00:31:10,201 --> 00:31:12,787
[Bane] Was that
good for you, baby?
625
00:31:12,870 --> 00:31:14,539
Ahhh!
626
00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:19,794
My loins will never be sated!
627
00:31:19,877 --> 00:31:22,046
He's a giant fucking kaiju.
628
00:31:22,130 --> 00:31:24,173
I honestly don't know why
he's that big,
629
00:31:24,257 --> 00:31:27,427
but he must have, like,
inhaled a metric ton
of my pheromones or something?
630
00:31:27,510 --> 00:31:29,304
I mean, that's the only
explanation for why
631
00:31:29,387 --> 00:31:32,724
he just came inside
the fourth floor
of the stock exchange.
632
00:31:32,807 --> 00:31:34,183
- You know what I'm saying?
- So can't you just, like,
633
00:31:34,267 --> 00:31:36,936
kiss him to transfer
some unhorny pheromones?
634
00:31:37,020 --> 00:31:39,606
Um, I mean, in theory, yes.
635
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:43,234
But how am I gonna get
all the way up there to get
his mask off and do that?
636
00:31:43,318 --> 00:31:45,486
You don't have to.
We're gonna bring
him down to us.
637
00:31:47,238 --> 00:31:49,782
Get ready, Ive.
I'm gonna draw him to you.
638
00:31:52,368 --> 00:31:54,746
Ow! God damn it.
639
00:31:57,707 --> 00:31:59,751
[muffled groaning]
640
00:32:08,009 --> 00:32:09,427
[Poison Ivy] Hurry,
get his mask off.
641
00:32:09,510 --> 00:32:11,346
[chuckles] I can't believe
that worked.
642
00:32:11,429 --> 00:32:14,766
Of course it worked.
I'm always thinking
ten steps ahead, baby.
643
00:32:14,849 --> 00:32:19,187
Hello, Gotham City.
What say you spend
your Valentine's Day with me,
644
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:24,525
Emmy-winning actor, writer,
and British bad boy,
Brett Goldstein.
645
00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:26,903
I'll be reading selected works
of Lord Byron,
646
00:32:26,986 --> 00:32:29,364
the Brett Goldstein
of the 19th century.
647
00:32:29,447 --> 00:32:30,907
That voice!
648
00:32:30,990 --> 00:32:34,035
A lower-middle-class
South London accent that says
649
00:32:34,118 --> 00:32:40,667
he's not afraid of hard labor
in the workplace or in bed.
650
00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:44,587
[screams] I must have him!
651
00:32:44,671 --> 00:32:46,089
Argh!
652
00:32:46,172 --> 00:32:47,340
Mama Macaroni!
653
00:32:48,758 --> 00:32:50,051
[man screaming]
654
00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:53,054
Bane, what are you doing?
655
00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:54,555
[grunting]
656
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:57,892
I can't control my libido.
657
00:32:57,975 --> 00:33:01,521
[grunting] I'm almost
not doing this.
658
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:05,024
Have mercy!
659
00:33:05,108 --> 00:33:07,151
[struggling]
660
00:33:08,152 --> 00:33:10,071
[building rumbling]
661
00:33:17,328 --> 00:33:19,497
[moaning] No!
662
00:33:19,580 --> 00:33:23,292
Brett Goldstein, you deserve
someone who makes you feel
663
00:33:23,376 --> 00:33:26,003
like you've been
fucked by lightning.
664
00:33:26,087 --> 00:33:27,171
[straining]
665
00:33:30,675 --> 00:33:32,510
Maybe they can rebuild it?
666
00:33:32,593 --> 00:33:34,804
All I wanted
for Valentine's Day
was to hang out
667
00:33:34,887 --> 00:33:38,599
in our fucking apartment
and fucking watch TV
and have sex.
668
00:33:38,683 --> 00:33:40,560
But no, it wasn't
enough for you.
669
00:33:40,643 --> 00:33:44,522
And now you've ruined
my favorite restaurant
in all of Gotham City.
670
00:33:44,605 --> 00:33:46,899
I, I think they opened
a second location
in Bludhaven.
671
00:33:46,983 --> 00:33:49,444
You know, you say you wanted
to do something special for me,
672
00:33:49,527 --> 00:33:53,281
but you don't listen
when I try to tell you
what I actually want.
673
00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:54,657
What about what I want?
674
00:33:54,741 --> 00:33:56,451
You wanted to go out.
675
00:33:56,534 --> 00:34:00,121
I said yes, even though
I didn't want to,
because I listened.
676
00:34:00,204 --> 00:34:03,791
I listened to what you wanted.
677
00:34:03,875 --> 00:34:05,960
And I said, "Okay."
678
00:34:06,043 --> 00:34:07,503
I didn't mean
for this to happen,
679
00:34:07,587 --> 00:34:09,005
and because I am not
yet ready
680
00:34:09,088 --> 00:34:11,632
to accept blame
for ruining Valentine's Day,
681
00:34:11,716 --> 00:34:14,469
{\an8}I am going
to focus on beating
the shit out of Bane.
682
00:34:14,552 --> 00:34:16,345
[roars]
683
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,139
I mean, at least
she's self-aware.
684
00:34:18,222 --> 00:34:19,599
Coming, Harley.
685
00:34:19,682 --> 00:34:21,058
Ahhh!
686
00:34:22,226 --> 00:34:23,853
Oh, my God!
687
00:34:23,936 --> 00:34:28,399
[Bane] I will make
BAFTA-winning love to you,
Brett Goldstein!
688
00:34:28,483 --> 00:34:30,610
How are we gonna move
all those people out of there?
689
00:34:30,693 --> 00:34:34,489
I mean, they paid
120 bucks to see a guy
polish his stupid Emmy.
690
00:34:34,572 --> 00:34:36,074
Do they really need to live?
691
00:34:36,157 --> 00:34:37,450
Ive!
692
00:34:37,533 --> 00:34:38,493
- [Bane groans]
- [Harley and Poison Ivy scream]
693
00:34:40,787 --> 00:34:41,829
[grunting]
694
00:34:48,002 --> 00:34:50,046
[Poison Ivy] Hey, girl, I think
we have only one option.
695
00:34:51,005 --> 00:34:53,090
We have to turn off Bane.
696
00:34:53,174 --> 00:34:55,551
Okay. Bane has to have
listed some turnoffs
697
00:34:55,635 --> 00:34:57,178
{\an8}on his dating profile.
698
00:34:57,261 --> 00:34:59,722
Favorite TV shows:
the later seasons
of The Office?
699
00:34:59,806 --> 00:35:02,350
What the fuck? What a psycho.
700
00:35:02,433 --> 00:35:05,645
If he liked the Dexter
series finale, I'm, like,
through with him.
701
00:35:05,728 --> 00:35:07,438
Don't worry.
There's a few
other things on here
702
00:35:07,522 --> 00:35:09,148
that might work
to give him a hard-off.
703
00:35:18,282 --> 00:35:20,201
[Clayface]
Your attention, please.
704
00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:23,663
If someone is in need
of an extra ticket
for tonight's performance,
705
00:35:23,746 --> 00:35:29,335
oh, cruel fate has absconded
with my beloved plus-one.
706
00:35:29,418 --> 00:35:30,670
[wails]
707
00:35:30,753 --> 00:35:35,591
But his joy can be yours
for the low price of $80.
708
00:35:35,675 --> 00:35:37,552
Do you think someone
laced our weed?
709
00:35:37,635 --> 00:35:39,762
[Clayface 2]
But soft, what light
through yonder window breaks?
710
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:43,933
It is the east
and Clayface, the sun.
711
00:35:44,016 --> 00:35:47,103
And there is my moon.
712
00:35:47,186 --> 00:35:50,064
I dare dream your voice
would be accompanied
713
00:35:50,147 --> 00:35:52,316
by your gorgeous countenance.
714
00:35:53,651 --> 00:35:55,820
You and I are so
exactly the same.
715
00:35:55,903 --> 00:35:57,989
I bet we could
finish each other--
716
00:35:58,072 --> 00:35:59,198
Off.
717
00:35:59,282 --> 00:36:02,285
Yes, well, I was going
to say sentences,
718
00:36:02,368 --> 00:36:05,454
{\an8}but this must be fate,
demanding we be together.
719
00:36:05,538 --> 00:36:06,831
This is so fucking weird.
720
00:36:09,125 --> 00:36:13,421
"So, we'll go no more a roving
So late into the night,
721
00:36:13,504 --> 00:36:16,007
Though the heart
be still as loving,
722
00:36:16,090 --> 00:36:18,384
And the moon
be still as bright.
723
00:36:18,467 --> 00:36:20,595
For the sword
outwears its sheath,"
724
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:23,264
[groans]
725
00:36:24,557 --> 00:36:26,934
"And the heart
must pause to breathe,
726
00:36:27,018 --> 00:36:29,937
And love itself have rest.
727
00:36:30,021 --> 00:36:32,106
Though the night
was made for loving,
728
00:36:32,190 --> 00:36:34,066
And the day returns too soon,
729
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:39,447
{\an8}Yet we'll go no more a roving
By the light of the moon."
730
00:36:39,530 --> 00:36:41,532
So what if we can never touch?
731
00:36:41,616 --> 00:36:43,951
Just knowing we are not
alone in this world,
732
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:47,413
that I ache for you
the same way that you ache--
733
00:36:47,496 --> 00:36:48,998
- [splattering]
- [both scream]
734
00:36:52,460 --> 00:36:55,588
[screams] No!
735
00:36:55,671 --> 00:37:01,177
You will be bent into positions
you did not know possible,
Brett Goldstein.
736
00:37:01,260 --> 00:37:02,595
[growls]
737
00:37:02,678 --> 00:37:07,016
Everyone, calmly head
for the nearest exit.
738
00:37:07,099 --> 00:37:11,312
Do not gawk at the large
testicles swinging
like wrecking balls.
739
00:37:13,314 --> 00:37:14,774
[screams]
740
00:37:16,067 --> 00:37:17,735
[grunting]
741
00:37:17,818 --> 00:37:19,654
We may have
his turnoffs, honey,
742
00:37:19,737 --> 00:37:23,366
but how the hell
are we gonna get
him to hear them?
743
00:37:23,449 --> 00:37:24,825
We're not. But he is.
744
00:37:26,243 --> 00:37:27,828
Hey, quick question.
745
00:37:27,912 --> 00:37:30,081
Can you grow
to a giant-sized version
of Brett Goldstein,
746
00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:32,333
then start shouting some
of Bane's turnoffs at him
747
00:37:32,416 --> 00:37:34,085
so he stops trying to fuck you?
748
00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:35,670
First of all,
749
00:37:35,753 --> 00:37:37,129
not a quick question.
750
00:37:37,213 --> 00:37:39,674
There are a lot of
problematic things in there.
751
00:37:39,757 --> 00:37:42,677
And secondly, no,
I cannot accommodate you
752
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:44,971
whilst my heart is broken.
753
00:37:45,054 --> 00:37:46,639
[woman screaming]
754
00:37:46,722 --> 00:37:49,141
Clayface, let me
ask you something.
This is serious, okay?
755
00:37:49,225 --> 00:37:54,397
If Ian Somerhalder could
continue filming Season 5
of Vampire Diaries
756
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,983
after his breakup
with Nina Dobrev,
757
00:37:57,066 --> 00:37:58,901
you can do this.
758
00:37:59,652 --> 00:38:01,195
You can do it.
759
00:38:01,278 --> 00:38:02,405
It's true.
760
00:38:02,488 --> 00:38:04,573
That was some
of his finest work.
761
00:38:04,657 --> 00:38:07,702
I suppose it is the
challenge of a lifetime.
762
00:38:07,785 --> 00:38:11,747
And I would
Stanis-love-sky to do it!
763
00:38:16,335 --> 00:38:18,629
Where did the hell
did you pull that from?
764
00:38:18,713 --> 00:38:23,968
My aunt posted an article about
celeb breakups on Wayneface
the other day, so...
765
00:38:25,302 --> 00:38:26,637
[Bane whimpers]
766
00:38:26,721 --> 00:38:31,934
Do my eyes deceive me
or are you fun-sized?
767
00:38:32,018 --> 00:38:33,769
Eh, start talking
about his turnoffs.
768
00:38:33,853 --> 00:38:35,980
He hates angel hair pasta
and that thing
769
00:38:36,063 --> 00:38:38,649
where you say goodbye
to someone but then you both
walk in the same direction.
770
00:38:38,733 --> 00:38:40,526
He hates that.
771
00:38:40,609 --> 00:38:44,572
Young master Bane,
I know my stubbly, rugged
appearance may belie this,
772
00:38:44,655 --> 00:38:46,949
but I know a thing or two
about love,
773
00:38:47,033 --> 00:38:50,870
and let me assure you,
love is in the eye
of the beholder.
774
00:38:50,953 --> 00:38:52,830
And you don't need to copulate
with the building
775
00:38:52,913 --> 00:38:55,708
until it crumbles
to the ground to let it
know that you love it.
776
00:38:55,791 --> 00:39:00,546
I mean, what is horny,
if not love...
777
00:39:00,629 --> 00:39:05,009
♪ Persevering? ♪
778
00:39:05,092 --> 00:39:06,510
[Bane] Ah. What?
779
00:39:06,594 --> 00:39:09,221
Anyways, I digress.
780
00:39:10,222 --> 00:39:11,932
It's "anyway."
781
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,143
It's not "anyways."
782
00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:18,230
It is? "Anyways" sounds
right to a boy born and raised
in salt-of-the-earth
783
00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:19,732
Sutton, United Kingdom.
784
00:39:19,815 --> 00:39:21,525
That really begs the question.
785
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,444
- Why isn't it "anyways"?
- No.
786
00:39:23,527 --> 00:39:28,824
No, no. God, that's not
the correct usage
of "begs the question."
787
00:39:28,908 --> 00:39:32,661
You're not supposed
to just use it in place
of "raises the question."
788
00:39:32,745 --> 00:39:37,208
It is to be used only
to identify flawed premises,
789
00:39:37,291 --> 00:39:43,923
as in, "The American public's
acceptance of "anyways" because
'everyone does it already'
790
00:39:44,006 --> 00:39:47,468
really begs
the fucking question."
791
00:39:47,551 --> 00:39:50,429
Ahhh! So annoying.
792
00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:54,433
He's getting turned off.
It's working. It's working!
793
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:56,560
The only thing
I'm certain of now
794
00:39:56,644 --> 00:40:00,189
is that I will never see
anything stupider in my life.
795
00:40:00,272 --> 00:40:02,233
The event promoters
have informed me
796
00:40:02,316 --> 00:40:07,154
that refunds do not apply
to massive homicidal bellends.
797
00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:08,656
I'm so sorry.
798
00:40:08,739 --> 00:40:13,077
I wish I could do something.
I am but one human man.
799
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:15,871
[Harley] Are you good now?
You gonna stop humping stuff?
800
00:40:16,497 --> 00:40:17,498
Yes.
801
00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:19,333
Thank you for saving me.
802
00:40:19,416 --> 00:40:22,002
Yeah, I don't know
what got into me.
803
00:40:22,086 --> 00:40:27,174
Except for all
that testosterone
and reproductive fluid.
804
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,719
Oh, yeah. See, I got a magic
spell to give Ive the best
orgasm she ever had,
805
00:40:30,803 --> 00:40:33,597
and then her pheromones
exploded everywhere
and made you supes horny.
806
00:40:33,681 --> 00:40:35,432
But I'm really not sure
why you're so giant.
807
00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:37,893
I also got a magic spell
to... [sighs]
808
00:40:37,977 --> 00:40:41,480
do something nice
for someone on Valentine's Day.
809
00:40:41,564 --> 00:40:43,482
Aw, trying to pack
a little more heat, huh?
810
00:40:43,566 --> 00:40:46,986
I packed the appropriate
amount of heat.
811
00:40:47,069 --> 00:40:48,737
[sighs]
812
00:40:48,821 --> 00:40:52,533
This is the second-biggest
Valentine's Day disaster
I've ever had.
813
00:40:52,616 --> 00:40:55,161
[stammers] I mean, pray tell,
what was the first?
814
00:40:55,244 --> 00:40:57,580
When I missed the Season 8
episode of The Office
815
00:40:57,663 --> 00:41:00,749
where Jim goes to Tallahassee
to see Robert California.
816
00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:04,378
God, what the fuck
was even going on
in that show?,
817
00:41:04,461 --> 00:41:08,883
[sighs] I guess it's another
solo V-Day.
818
00:41:08,966 --> 00:41:13,137
Maybe I'll go back
to the pit and cuddle
with a pile of rocks.
819
00:41:13,220 --> 00:41:14,346
[Betty] Want some company?
820
00:41:16,432 --> 00:41:18,517
Betty, what are you doing here?
821
00:41:18,601 --> 00:41:21,395
Well, I saw you getting it on
with the skyline
and thought,
822
00:41:21,478 --> 00:41:25,149
"Hey, back off, Wayne Tower!
That's my man!"
823
00:41:25,232 --> 00:41:29,361
Ha! So my giant body
is not a turn-off to you?
824
00:41:29,445 --> 00:41:33,699
You have a sexual charisma
of which I'd like to be a part.
825
00:41:33,782 --> 00:41:38,913
Ending your sentence
with a noun, as opposed
to a preposition...
826
00:41:38,996 --> 00:41:40,206
Bane likey.
827
00:41:40,289 --> 00:41:43,375
[giggles]
Let's get out of here, big guy.
828
00:41:43,459 --> 00:41:44,835
[giggling]
829
00:41:48,005 --> 00:41:50,299
- Um...
- How do you think
that's gonna work?
830
00:41:50,382 --> 00:41:51,967
You know, not well.
831
00:41:52,051 --> 00:41:55,262
Wow! The smoke
from the millions
of square feet of rubble
832
00:41:55,346 --> 00:41:58,766
really makes for a beautiful
night sky, Ive.
833
00:41:58,849 --> 00:42:01,268
The next time you get the idea
834
00:42:01,352 --> 00:42:04,855
to do something extra Harley
to prove your love to me,
835
00:42:04,939 --> 00:42:07,066
I just want you to know
you don't have to.
836
00:42:07,149 --> 00:42:08,776
Because it doesn't matter
837
00:42:08,859 --> 00:42:10,945
if something's the best
Valentine's Day
838
00:42:11,028 --> 00:42:14,114
or date night or orgasm
I've ever had or not,
839
00:42:14,198 --> 00:42:18,786
because this is the best
relationship
840
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:20,996
I've been in. By a mile.
841
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:23,582
Yeah,
I think the orgasm matters.
842
00:42:23,666 --> 00:42:25,960
{\an8}Yeah, I didn't totally
buy that either when I said it.
843
00:42:26,043 --> 00:42:27,586
{\an8}I just needed, like,
a third example
844
00:42:27,670 --> 00:42:30,631
{\an8}for the structure
of the speech, so...
845
00:42:30,714 --> 00:42:32,633
You know, you never just...
846
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:37,137
You never just asked me
what my best
Valentine's Day ever was.
847
00:42:37,221 --> 00:42:39,056
I don't want to hear about
some pimple-faced kid
848
00:42:39,139 --> 00:42:40,975
from your boarding school
giving you a hickey.
849
00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:43,352
No, that's not it.
850
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:46,397
It was a long, long time ago,
851
00:42:46,480 --> 00:42:48,691
when I was alone,
852
00:42:48,774 --> 00:42:51,485
sitting in my cell in Arkham,feeling like
853
00:42:51,568 --> 00:42:55,656
[sighs] no onein the damn worldcared about me.
854
00:42:55,739 --> 00:42:57,950
Like, if I disappearedfrom the Earth,
855
00:42:58,033 --> 00:42:59,660
it just wouldn't matter.
856
00:42:59,743 --> 00:43:03,122
And then I...I hear a knock on my cell
857
00:43:03,205 --> 00:43:05,165
and I look up
858
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,835
and I see your face.
859
00:43:07,918 --> 00:43:12,089
You brought me somechocolate milk that you...you stole from the commissary,
860
00:43:12,172 --> 00:43:14,300
and asked if I wantedsome company.
861
00:43:14,383 --> 00:43:16,927
And I said, "Sure."
862
00:43:17,011 --> 00:43:20,347
And then you described
the entire plot
of Shrek 2 to me
863
00:43:20,431 --> 00:43:22,349
because you couldn't
believe I hadn't seen it.
864
00:43:22,433 --> 00:43:23,976
It's not as good
as the first one,
865
00:43:24,059 --> 00:43:25,019
but it's more fun.
866
00:43:25,102 --> 00:43:26,353
You, Harley.
867
00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:30,482
You made me feel like...
like I mattered.
868
00:43:32,568 --> 00:43:35,863
And no one had ever
really done that for me.
869
00:43:37,072 --> 00:43:38,657
So I just... I don't know.
870
00:43:38,741 --> 00:43:40,784
I don't know if
that Valentine's Day
can be topped.
871
00:43:40,868 --> 00:43:43,704
- I love you, Ive.
- I love you too, peanut.
872
00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,501
The first time we met,
we tried to kill each other.
873
00:43:49,585 --> 00:43:52,629
No, you... you didn't
try to kill me.
I tried to kill you.
874
00:43:52,713 --> 00:43:54,381
But then you saved my life.
875
00:43:54,465 --> 00:43:56,717
Well, you were the first
person I met who
wasn't a piece of shit.
876
00:43:56,800 --> 00:44:00,220
- So, [laughs] I was, you know--
- I think another way
to say it, is you liked me.
877
00:44:00,304 --> 00:44:02,139
I did. I liked you.
[chuckles softly]
878
00:44:02,222 --> 00:44:05,142
And we became friends.
And then we fell in love.
879
00:44:05,225 --> 00:44:06,810
- And then--
- Sorry, wait.
Why are we doing this?
880
00:44:06,894 --> 00:44:08,562
Because everyone knows
all this shit already.
881
00:44:08,645 --> 00:44:10,064
So I'm just trying
to understand.
882
00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:11,982
I think these things
need to be a certain length.
883
00:44:12,066 --> 00:44:13,650
Oh, my God. How do we...
884
00:44:13,734 --> 00:44:15,861
How do we end
this fucking shit?
885
00:44:15,944 --> 00:44:17,613
I could recap Shrek 3.
886
00:44:17,696 --> 00:44:19,531
So when King Harold dies,
Shrek learns--
887
00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:21,742
How about we just, like,
say "Happy Valentine's Day"
to everyone
888
00:44:21,825 --> 00:44:22,951
and get the fuck out of here?
889
00:44:23,035 --> 00:44:25,162
[both] Happy Valentine's Day!
890
00:44:26,205 --> 00:44:27,081
[both moan]
891
00:44:28,374 --> 00:44:30,459
[theme music playing]
70046
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