All language subtitles for Night Court S01E04

-Your Honor,
the defendant was caught

with the stolen items
in her purse.

-You Honor, my client,
Mrs. Jasser --

-It's Ms.Jasser.

-Noted. Ms. Jasser --

-You can call me Helen.

-The defendant had
no idea that --

-My husband's in a coma.
-Oh.

Objection, Your Honor.

Th-The defendant is
groping her attorney.

-Counsel, approach the bench.

Oh, I got nothing.

I just thought
you could use a break.

Am I crazy,
or has someone been getting

a lotof lady attention lately?

-Connie from probate
won't stop talking about

the dashing new defense attorney
with the thick hair

and tush worth a push.

Connie's a big ol' freak.

-It's actually really annoying.

I'm tired of women asking me
if I've got any inside info

on the silver fox I work with.

Carol in the cafeteria,
Carol at records,

Carol who's always wearing
the cat blouse.

-Oh! Go for cat blouse.

I mean, I just thought that
maybe she could be your chance

at sharing your hopes and dreams
with someone.

And she could also share
where to get that cat blouse.

-Well, I hate to spoil
all your fun,

but my dating days
are behind me.

Of course, there was a time
I would have killed

for this kind of attention

and almost did.

Not a human, a chicken.

A voodoo doctor back in
Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana,

told me that an animal sacrifice
would make me irresistible

to the fairer sex.

Anyway, let's get back
to these weirdos.

♪♪

♪♪

-Which one of these pet fish
looks like the most fun?

This one has kind eyes
and seems like a good listener,

but this one's name is Zazzle.

-Unless you're a seal,
getting a fish

is a desperate cry for help.

-Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I

have been doing the
long-distance thing for a while,

and I've been feeling
a little lonely,

so thought I'd get a pet.

But it has to be one
that you can't dress up

because otherwise
I'll never leave the apartment.

-Well, stud,
you got me into handcuffs.

What now?

-I mean, seriously,

is there no poetry left
in flirting?

Earlier today, a woman yelled,
"I'd like to climb that!"

-Ooh, I gotta get this.
It's the fish people.

-Excuse me, could you help me --

-Oh, please.
Yes, can I help you --

what, would you like
to bang my gavel

or some other tortured
double entendre?

Let me tell you something.

I dress like this
to please myself,

not to be ogled and debased
by deviants like you.

-I just wanted to know
where the records room is.

-Down the hall to the left,
first right.

-Ah.

-Uh, excuse me.

I'd like to apologize.
I'm very sorry.

I -- I had a long day.

-Oh, I mean, I can't begin
to appreciate the indignities

you must suffer as
an upper-middle-class white man.

-I deserve that.

Can I make it up to you

by buying your...
real-life newspaper?

-Oh, I actually
get this delivered.

Yeah, call me old fashioned,
but I like knowing

there was someone right outside
my door while I was asleep.

Ah, I thought I was one of
the last people to read those.

Matter fact, I start every day
by doing...

-The Jumble.
-...the Jumble.

Uh, I'm Dan.

-Oh. Julianne.
-Hi.

-Well, thanks
for the directions,

and good luck
fending off the deviants.

Ha!

-Ah, screw it.
Look, I did come over to you

because I thought
you were handsome,

and my therapist told me
that I should take more chances.

Well, here's my number.

Maybe we can Jumble together
sometime.

-Oooh!

-Dan met a lady!

-My heart is closed
for business.

I've had the great romance
of my life.

That's more
than most people get.

-I know you don't believe that.

I mean, just tonight you said
that we're all entitled

to more than one great love.

Sure, you were defending
a polygamist cult leader,

but I could tell
it was from the heart.

-Ugh, romance.

Even those movies are
depressing.

They're all about some woman
who abandons a presentation

to catch some guy
at the airport.

It's like,
finish the presentation.

The head of the company
is there!

-Well, y'all know me -- I always
got a boo and a back-up boo.

You will not catch me
on the kiss cam

with no one to kiss,
bumming out a whole stadium.

It's just not fair to the fans.

-All right,
let's give Dan a break.

If he doesn't want to date,
that's okay.

I mean, he doesn't need
a special someone

when he's got us.

We are all the emotional
connection he needs.

-I'm just gonna go ahead
and text Julianne.

-I'm an assistant
district attorney

in the city of New York,

and you will treat me
with respect!

Okay, well, your client
should have thought about that

before took a bath
in Richard Kind's apartment.

Oh, okay.
I'll see youin court.

-You got any mints?

-This is a nightmare.

I'm trying to find somewhere
I can work that's quiet,

but this just --
this is not worth it.

-Well, isn't there an office
all the DAs work out of?

-Ugh! No one will leave me
alone in there.

Okay, you know what?
It's fine. It's fine.

I'm -- I'm just gonna go
and work in the morgue.

The vibe is lousy, but at least
there are plenty of drawers.

-Well, hang on. I bet if we
put our heads together,

we can find you
a quiet place to work.

-Oh, I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.

Every office and most
of the closets are --

What -- What's --
What are you doing?

Uh, you keep blueprints
in the bathroom vent?

-I keep blueprints
in every vent.

You never know when you might
find yourself

in a "Die Hard" situation.

"Die Hard."

-Uh...
-Nakatomi Plaza?

We open on a plane.

A young Die Hard hates to fly.

-Don't have time to hear
a movie right now, Gurgs.

-Right. One emergency at a time.

All buildings like this
have a lot

of unused nooks and crannies.

-Okay, well, looks like
our best bet gonna be

right here in the east wing.

-Thanks for expediting
the docket

so Dan could leave early
for his date.

Any big plans for all this
extra night we've got?

-Yeah, so many.

Me and my boy...Jaston, the --

-It's okay to say nothing.
-Nothing.

You?

-Mondays used to be pizza night
for me and Rand,

but now we're 300 miles apart,
so...

At least Dan's having fun.

First dates are so magical.

The anticipation, the jitters,

the excitement
when the car pulls up

and you get that first whiff
of garlic.

Now I'm talking about pizza
again.

-Plus, Dan picked
a great first-date spot.

De Bello's minestrone
is to die for.

And they'll give you a cup
for half off

if you show them the text
when your date cancels.

-You don't think Julianne would
cancel on Dan, though, right?

I hate the idea of him
sitting alone, rejected,

crying into a bowl of sad soup.

-They won't upgrade you
to a bowl,

no matter
how much you're crying.

-I pushed him into this.

I'm gonna feel terrible
if he gets hurt.

Like the time I snuck my cousin
on a roller coaster

and realized you have to be
this tall for a reason.

Don't worry, there was a loop,

so she landed
right back in her seat.

But the guy said
that almost never happens.

Okay, what if I just popped into
the restaurant for a quick peek

just to make sure
it's all going okay?

That wouldn't be too crazy,
right?

-No. I'll come, too.
Moral support.

Plus, I can tell people
I was on a date.

-Okay, I just real quick
want to get eyes on him,

and then we'll be on our way.

-Hey, hey, Mr. Neil!

Well, she showed up this time.
Congratulations.

-Oh, no, she's my boss.

-Ah, that makes more sense.
I'll go get your soup.

-Oh! There he is.

Oh, no. He's alone.
He got stood up.

Okay, this was a bad idea.
We should go.

-Oh! Dan's here!

Hi, Dan.

-What are you doing here?
-It's a funny story.

So, uh, Neil wanted soup,

and then we knocked over
that tray,

and now you're mad at us.

I'm so sorry.

Julianne stood you up,
didn't she?

-Yes, she did.

Turns out she never liked me,
I guess, and...oh.

Ugh. Too much work.

I never sent her a text.

-What the nuts, Dan?
You didn't have to lie.

It's fine
if you didn't like her.

-No, it's not
that I didn't like her.

I actually found her
rather captivating.

All right, look,
if you must know,

I actually did write her a text
inviting her here to dinner.

I just never got
to the send part.

That's how these things start --
with send, and then dinner,

then a second dinner,

and then all of a sudden
it's Thanksgiving

and you find yourself
duking it out

with her half-Turkish
brother-in-law

over American policy
in the Balkans,

and why
in that particular scenario

I have such strong opinions
about that,

I don't know, but I do.

-The point is,

I understand
that this could be scary,

but if you don't at least try,

you could be missing out
on something really special.

You could take it
as slow as you want.

-I'm sorry. I sent the text.

What Abby said got to me.

I can't watch you be alone
anymore, Dan.

-Don't worry, it's not like
she's gonna run on over here.

-Says she'll be here
in five minutes.

-Ah! I can't believe
this has been

hidden here this whole time.

Why do you think
it was boarded up?

-Well, my guess is
this is where they used to

prosecute all those witches.

You know, New York City
in the '70s was crazy.

-This is perfect.

No one's gonna bother me here.

-You know, I have to share an
office with nine other bailiffs.

Sure would be nice
to have a place like this.

-Um, seeing as you found it,

I-I-I guess we could share.

-Oh! I could never...
-Right?

-...say no to an offer
like that, so absolutely yes!

-Good. That's what I wanted,

yeah, and therefore why I asked.

-We're gonna be office buddies.

We can finally get to know
each other better.

First thing to know about me --

I love a Crockpot, because you
can just set it and forget it.

Oh, no! My stew!

-Hey, do you want us to stay?

It might keep things
from being uncomfortable.

It'll just be
really, really weird.

-No, it's okay.

You guys can leave, um...

Sure, it's been 27 years
since I was on a date,

but it's just dinner.

One thing hasn't changed --
I am Dan Fielding,

a man renowned
for his charm and grace and --

oh, my God, she's here.

Ohh! She's wearing a scarf.

Oh, you're staying. Get down.

Get down. Get down.
You're staying.

-Don't I know you
from somewhere?

-Hello, sailor.

-Uh, hi. I'm Abby.

-Oh, hello.
-Hi. And this is Neil.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-The three of us were having
a group hang,

and Dan had the great idea

to invite the charming woman
he met the other day.

-Well, I'm glad she couldn't
make it and you asked me.

-No, no, we mean you.

She means you.
Why did you say it like that?

-Why don't you have a seat?
-All right.

-Oh, yes.

-Ah, I love this place.

You know, the minestrone here
is incredible.

This one's a keeper.

-I've never been a fan of soup.

It's sort of like hot juice.

-So, Julianne,
where are you from?

-Uh, well, I-I grew up
on Staten Island,

but when I was 12, my parents --
-Oop! Trivia!

Do you know that New York and
New Jersey had a boat race --

to decide who
would incorporate Staten Island?

-Really? Huh.

You know, I never heard that.

-You calling me a liar?
-What?

-Ha, ha! This guy!
-Whoa!

-Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy.

Why don't you go
to the bathroom and dry off?

-What the?
-And Neil, go with him.

Calm him down.
-Okay, but I'm also gonna pee

while I'm in there.

-Why would you tell me that?

I'm sorry about Dan.

I promise he's usually
more grumpy than he is insane.

He's just nervous
because he really likes you.

-He's got nothing
to be nervous about.

You know, it's not like I'm
looking for something serious.

I just want to have
a little fun.

-Ah, fun.

Fun like someone
to go bowling with?

-No, like a fling.
-Right, a fling.

Like an emotional fling
where you support

the other's inner life and
embrace each other spiritually?

-Like sex, Abby.
I'm talking about sex.

-Sex like --

Nope, no way to intentionally
misinterpret that.

Sex it is!

-Oh.
-Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.

-Oh, yes, I know,
it's going terribly,

but you didn't have to send Neil
to the bathroom with me.

He's still in there moving the
part in his hair back and forth.

-I gotta tell you something
about Julianne.

-Don't bother.
You know what? I'm going home.

I was clearly not ready
for a date with a person.

-Calling it a night
is probably a good idea.

Julianne doesn't want
to go slow.

She wants to go fast.
Sex fast.

Let's just get out of here.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on there.

Just give me a minute
to process this.

-What is there to process?

I don't think you're ready
for this.

What are you gonna do --
go home, turn down the lights,

light some candles,
and yell boat facts at her?

-I-I don't think
I've ever told a woman

I don't want to have sex.

I don't even know
how that would sound.

Hi, my name is Dan.
I don't want to see you naked.

Ooh, that sounds wrong.

-Before you jump into anything,
just take a minute.

Consider if an empty,
meaningless fling

is really what you want.

-You're right.

-Do you want to get out of here?

-Absolutely.
Let me get my things.

-Oh, we're gonna have
so much fun in here.

Okay, check it out --

it's my Hot Mug Shot
Guy of the Month calendar.

Who are you more excited for,
Cinco de Marco,

or...

Eight Nights of Shawnukkah?

-Gurgs, some of those guys
are legit murderers.

-Well, I'm not picturing myself
on a beach in Aruba

with their rap sheets.

Besides, it's got all
our important dates on it --

our birthdays,
our officeiversary,

which is today,

our holiday
Christmas party.

-How about we just, you know,

hold off on the calendar talk
for now

and maybe focus on
getting a little work done?

-We couldn't be more
on the same page.

I'm all about work, too.

Actually, can I get
your opinion on something?

Imagine you're in the courtroom,

people are milling about,

and then I hit you with,
"All rise!"

It's too much bass?

Would you prefer something
more of a,

"All rise"?

-Well, I'm very sorry that
we had to stop at the bodega

for the wine,
but, you know, I understand

that this vintage of...
Kangaroo Fields Table Red

is a very good year.

Oh, I'm not here
for the wine, Dan.

-Oh, well, uhhhhh,
how 'bout a snack?

You know, I bet that wine
would pair well with a --

a Cheeto, uh, or Frito,
of Dorito,

any of the 'to snacks.
Tostito!

Ah, that has "to" on both ends.

Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks?

-How 'bout we move
to a different room

with a different stick?

-Well, um, oh, you know,
I got this

with my late wife, um, Sarah.

It was on our first trip
together.

She wanted to, uh --

She wanted to go zip-lining
in Costa Rica,

but I didn't want to go
to Costa Rica.

I mean, I didn't want to go
anywhere

where I had to get a vaccination

for something called
Turtle Fever.

But I wanted to make her happy.

Before Sarah, I couldn't --
couldn't imagine

putting anyone's needs
ahead of mine,

but she changed me.

I mean, uh, the old me would
have been very much into this,

but, uh,
I'm a different man now.

I realize
there's more to life --

-Oh, my God!

Please stop talking.

Oh, you really know
how to take the fun

out of a revenge plot.

-I'm sorry, wait, wait.
Revenge plot?

-Of course,
you don't remember me.

You had the judge
throw the book at me

for a little thing like setting
my ex-boyfriend's house on fire.

-Sorry, wait a minute.

This whole thing was just
to get back at me

for a case that happened
30 years ago?

-That's right. Now, I have
a whole revenge list.

You're between
my ex-mother-in-law

and Boost Mobile.

You know, I thought
I'd never find you.

But then I saw your name
when I was back in court --

uh, different boyfriend,
different fire.

-Sure. If it ain't broke...

-I was gonna steal your identity

and leave you a shell of a man,

but you can't burn
a house down twice.

Believe me, I've tried.

Here's your wallet.

And, uh, some advice --

use that money for a shrink
or a pint of ice cream

or something,
because youneed help.

And that's coming from someone
who has been diagnosed

as criminally insane.

-This isn't my wallet.

-Gurgs, close the tarp.
We need to talk.

-Oh, no. Are you moving out?

-Yeah, I realize I'm not really
the office-sharing type.

You can have this place.

I'm gonna head down to
the solitary-confinement cell.

Could probably get a lot of work
done before the madness sets in.

-No, you don't have to do that.
This is my fault.

I came on too strong.
I should be the one to go.

-Yeah, it's not you.
It's me, really.

I'm just uncomfortable
around people.

-Makes it hard
to get to know you.

-Why would you want
to get to know me?

-'Cause I like you.

I thought this office would be
a chance to bring us closer.

But nothing was working.

I got in my head,
and my heart was pounding.

-And your mouth was doing things

even though your brain
kept yelling, "Stop!"

-Yes! I thought I was gonna die.

-That's how I feel around
everyone all of the time!

-Oh! We're bonding.

-Are we work wives now?

-Look at us, like two weird
ingredients in the perfect stew.

Oh, no! My other stew!

-No, no, no, it's okay.

I turned it off for you.

-So what do you say?

Give this another chance?

-On one condition.

You explain to me
what Nakatomi Plaza is.

I thought you'd never ask.

When last we left
our young Die Hard,

he was on a plane.

-How'd it go?
Nope, not gonna ask.

It's not my business
so I don't wanna know --

-Nothing happened.

-Thank you so much.
It was killing me.

-Well, nothing in the way
that you're thinking,

but very much in the way
that I had a minor breakdown

and he tried to rob me.

But I foiled her devious plan
by being too sad.

-So, you gonna call her again?

I'm sorry I got so involved.

It's possible I may have been
living through you

since my entire life
is upstate --

my friends, my fiancé, my cow.

-I know you paused after cow
wanting me to ask,

but I never will.

-That's too bad.
She's got a rough hide

and a tender heart,
just like you.

I just wanted you
to find somebody.

Being alone seems kinda hard.

-Sometimes.

But you know what made it easier

when she turned out
to be a sociopath?

Knowing that if
I ever do want to talk,

and I'm not saying
that I ever will,

but if I ever did,
I could imagine a possible,

though veryunlikely scenario,

where I might choose
to talk...to you.

-Mm-hmm.

-You may react.

-Eee!
-Oh, don't.

-Oh! I can't wait to dig in.

Okay, first up -- childhood.

Who's love did you crave,
your mom's or your dad's?

-To be clear, this is happening
notime soon.

-I'm getting dad.
-He was a very complicated ma--

No! For right now,
we are just two people

who get to hate

all of the un-lonely people
around us.

-Yeah, like those two.

Jerks.

So annoying.

Being all happy.
-Yuck.

It made you feel bad
saying that, didn't it?

-Yeah, but I want us to have
a thing.

-Ah.