All language subtitles for Children Ruin Everything s02e02 Friends.eng

[Astrid] Night, Felix.

Aight, my love. I am out.

- [Astrid] Whoa, whoa.
Where are you going?

We're about to finish
Season Two of Breaking Bad.

- We finished
Season Two last night.

- Did we?
- [James] Yeah.

Remember the plane crash
and the freaky teddy bear?

I teared up
and told you I loved you.

- Oh, yeah.
That was so nice.

- Where are you going?
- Fantasy baseball.

Ugh!

- I told you, this is
the pre-draft drink night.

- Wait, pre-dra--?
It's not even the real thing.

And did you
just hang out with Brian?

- Bumped into him at
a gas station?

Okay. Is everything all right,
my love?

What's the problem?

[sighs]

I'm jealous, you see, because I
am here sanitizing soothers,

and you're off living
your wildest fantasies.

- If I were
living my wildest fantasies,

I'd be friends with a wolf.

- Interesting.
- Mm-hmm.

- Didn't we used to
take turns going out?

- That is true. But then you just
kind of stop taking your turn.

Which, to be fair,
feels like a you problem

more than a me problem.

- Why can't you not
just feel bad for me?

- Mm-hmm.

You're right.
You should go. You should go.

We're not even making
picks tonight.

- You should get out of here.
- Aren't you the league...?

I want to say Dungeon Master.

- Close. Co-commissioner,
with Ennis, who will be there.

Also, I'm not
wearing my commissioner suit,

which is like, ugh, Ennis is
gonna make a whole thing--

Go. Get out of here.

♪♪

- Okay.
- Yeah?

- All right.
- There she is.

- I'm gonna go out!
- One leg.

Oh, she's off the couch.
Now she's doing something.

- I'm gonna go out.
- [James] Oh, there she is.

Oh, we're on the tippy toes.

Yeah, well, I'm wearing heels.

- [James] Listen, I feel you.
You're gonna-- You get it, girl.

[Astrid] Yeah. Gonna go...

- Say hello
to Dawn and Bo for me.

- Uh, no losers!
[laughs] Not them.

I'm gonna hit up
my party people and, uh...

Hit the Danger Zone.

- The--the...?

- Danger.
- Okay, I can infer a few things.

- Danger Zone.
- [James] None of them...

- Here I come.
- [James] Okay. Oh! The--

- Danger Zone.
- [James] Uh-oh!

The frog from Looney Tunes.
Okay.

♪♪

This batch is key lime pie
flavored kombucha.

Okay.

Mm.

All the fun of pie.
All the taste of dirt.

- I knew it. Your sister said you
wouldn't like it, but I knew.

- [laughs] Well, thank
you so much for this.

This was a well-needed
shot of fun.

- You have to leave by eight.
- It's Thursday.

We do intimacy
check-ins on Thursday.

Oh, come on, guys.

This was-- this was
my big night out.

Is something wrong?

No, it's just...

Are you still in touch
with your high school friends?

[scoffs] You know
I didn't have any friends.

Weren't you in band?

- I tried to be, but the
band kids wouldn't have me.

- Well, I've lost touch
with everyone.

At least James
has his fantasy friends.

- Gross.
- No, she means fantasy sports.

Oh! Gross.

- Yeah. James and Ennis
have had this

baseball pool since college.

- Mm.
- Oh, um...

- Bo.
- Mm-hmm?

- Bo, would you
leave us for a moment?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

In Bo's CEO days,
he was very competitive

with the senior management team.

They did all
the fantasy sporting games.

Bo, the guy who
wouldn't come curling with us

- because of all the yelling?
- Yeah.

- Astrid, would you wish
James good luck for me, please?

- [clears throat]
- Okay. Yeah, if I remember.

All right. Later, losers.
I'm out of here.

This town is
about to be...

painted red.

- Oh, if you're seeing Mom,
could you give her the SCOBY?

Honey, hi.

- Come in. Join us.
- Hi!

Brought you some slime for gross
drinking vinegar.

Nice sun hat.

- Ladies, this
is my daughter, Astrid.

These are my fellow red
hats from our little society.

We're a playgroup for
women over 50

who are just looking to
hang and chill.

- How nice. Yeah, the hats.
Wow, very cool. Very cool.

Um, Mom, listen,
I just came by because

I wanted to take you out
for a nice mother-daughter

glass of vino, [chuckles]

but I--I see you're very busy.

- Yeah, very busy.
Yeah, not a good time.

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

♪♪

- [Astrid] Hi.
- Hi.

Will you be my friend?

- Is this a friends
with benefits situation?

- Yes.
- Mm.

- It's also friends
with shared debt,

massive responsibility,
and love situation.

- Okay, well,
that sounds pretty good.

- I'm in.
- Okay.

It's 9:15. Did you party
too fast, too furious?

Mm. I made goo with my sister

and almost joined
my mom's coven.

- Mm.
- You?

- I tried to make up
for years of negligence

as a fantasy team owner.

- You should have Bo help you.
- Mm, should I?

I just got my
strategizing interrupted

when Viv had
her Red Ghost nightmare again,

- I'm starting to
have the Red Ghost nightmare.

- Is our house haunted?
- Here's the thing.

We could move to a bigger,
less expensive,

less haunted house. Huh?

I sent you some of those things.

You know, maybe we should move.

I don't know
anyone here anymore.

All my school
friends moved away.

My work friends
moved on when I had Viv.

The lady at the pharmacy is
nice, but that is no friendship.

Um, there are millions of people

in the city, and you--
I mean, this...

super rad.

- I know I am.
- [indistinct]

- I just want to meet people.
You know, it's so hard.

I just want to hang out with
people who get me

and who've, like,
been through it with me.

- Yes, I-- Lucky I work with
Ennis. It keeps us close.

So he's not going to be mad

that you bailed on him
last minute tonight?

No, we're totally fine.

- [Ennis] You suck, Mr. No-Show.

Canceling via text
at the last minute.

What am I,
a dentist appointment?

Sorry, family stuff came up.

- [scoffs]
You missed a fun social event.

- Mm-hmm.
- [laughs]

- Seems like it.
Were you there?

- Oh, yeah. Unlike a certain
deadbeat co-commissioner,

Marla joined the fun.

- Oh, I didn't know
you like fantasy sports.

Oh, I like fantasy everything.

- Wheel of Time,
The Witcher,

- Mm-hmm.
- Succession.

- Well, Succession
is not really fantasy.

Oh, it is to me.

- Oh!
- [laughs]

- I'm partaking in
more office camaraderie,

water cooler talk, funny emails.

- Cool.
- I might even have lunch.

Hey, should I get
another drink ticket?

[both laugh]

[Ennis] Oh, man.

- I need the social media plan
on my desk

by three p.m., Beth.
Chop chop.

[groans]

[sighs]

- Hey, you know how every
year we wear commissioner suits?

Wouldn't be funny this year
we wore something like,

um, jeans and golf shirts.

You lost the suit.

- Yeah, but I'm pretty
sure it's in my basement

or shed, trunk or garbage.

- Well, the good news is
we can all help you look for it

because the draft is
happening at your house.

- What? No. But I have
a baby and kids

and, I don't know,
probably pink eye.

- You need to
start picking up the slack,

or the only thing
we're going to be drafting

is a co-commissioner
article of impeachment.

- Now we outlawed impeachment
to protect ourselves.

What about Marla's place?

- You'll never know where I live,
but we could do it here.

I'll even bring my
six-layer dip.

Ooh. Maybe even seven.

♪♪

- Did you invite her last night?
- I did not.

- [dog barks]
- [children playing]

[Astrid] Keeping your
children alive leaves

a lot less time for
meeting up with old pals.

So you have
to keep in touch

on your socials.
At least check in.

Maybe just
send an HBD once a year.

Or creep your friends who
have moved on

and realize you desperately need
someone to hang out with.

IRL.

- Mommy.
- [Astrid] Hi.

- I'm hungry.
- [Astrid] Ah.

I forgot to bring snacks.

I have snacks.

If you want.

- Thank you.
- There you go, honey.

I mean, it's all sugar,
but what can you do?

Cooper, what did I say
about poking in the eye?

Ashley Lynn,
kick him back.

But not in the eye!

- He backed right off those eyes.
- Oh, yeah.

[chuckles]

Looks like
our kids really get along.

They share a certain dua de viv.

You French?

Oh. [laughs]

No. I mean, I've traveled a lot,
so, kind of.

But also, no.

Hey, I don't know
if you guys have plans,

or if you'd even want to,
but, um,

would you ever want to hang out?

Yeah, I'd love to.

- Okay.
- [both laugh]

- I feel terrible. I actually
don't even know your name.

- It's Rachel.
- Oh. I'm Astrid.

- Whoa! [laughs]
Weird name. I like it.

- It, uh, kind of means
"beautiful god."

- Cooper, what
did I tell you about the eye?

♪♪

Bo? James is here.

James, join me. It's calming.

- Can I just say
that I love this?

Your friendship is growing.

Yeah. Exciting.

- Honey, we need the room.
We're going to talk dude stuff.

- Oh, well, don't let me
interrupt your bro-down.

Just, um... use coasters.

[both growl]

[chuckles]

Wives, am I right?

Hey, have you ever done reiki?

Never thought about it.

Listen, pally pal,
I just was, um,

I have a quick question.

I got this fantasy
baseball draft,

and my work this Saturday...

- It's kind of you to
invite me, James, but I can't.

- Uh--

- Personal reasons.
- Oh, no. That's...

too bad.

Anyway, my scouting has been
off the last couple of years,

and, you know,
since you can't make it,

I was just wondering

if you could maybe
give me a couple of pointers.

I shouldn't.

But if you're
dancing with the devil

and I'm merely
the choreographer,

what harm is there, hmm?

- Uh, I was not fully
aware of what appears

to be a very dark history.

- It's fine. I mean,
[evil chuckle] let's do this.

What is happening?

Who wants [indistinct]?

- Send me a
list of unavailable keepers

and number of teams and
I'll mock-draft you a winner.

Now go. James has got to go.

Yeah, I gotta go.

I'm supposed
to be with Felix playing,

but only within
our limits and for fun.

Totally.

Okay.

[dogs barking]

- [Rachel]
Calm down, you beasts!

Kids, in the basement.

And, dogs, put it there.
Let's go. Bup-bup!

Out, out, out, out, out.
Everyone, down!

- I found an earbud.
- Yeah.

Dynasty actually
swallowed the other one.

Unfortunately, it'll pass...
if the 5G doesn't get her first.

[laughs] Am I right?

Yeah.

- Mm. Where's this?
- [dogs continue barking]

- That is the Cayman Islands.
- Oh.

- Yeah. I met him backpacking,
and we just kind of

got caught up in this
[inhales] whole scheme.

[clears throat]

Like a pyramid scheme?

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

Ah.

Yeah, I--I actually used to
travel a lot, too, but...

you know, when the kids
get too much, I sort of just--

- Ponzi!
It was a Ponzi scheme.

- That's what it was.
- [Viv] Mommy, look!

- Wow, that doll
is very empowered.

It's a Hoochie Kid.

Dynasty has all of 'em.

- Mom, Mom.
It's another lost puppy.

Oh. Hi. Yup.

[dogs barking outside]

I'll be there. Yeah. Okay, bye.

Listen, I'm part of
this pet rescue team.

Do you maybe want to
come save a puppy with me?

- Oh, my God,
I would love that so much.

[laughs] Okay, let's do it!

Mm-mm!

She's gonna bring that. Okay.

♪♪

Is it cold in here?
Because I'm feeling a draft.

[Andrew fusses]

- You know,
that joke might have gone over

if you were on time
and you were wearing your suit.

Oh, but you brought your kids.

- Yeah, I...
didn't have a choice.

It was either this
or leaving them home alone.

[Andrew fusses]

Bo?

James. Felix, Andrew?

- Yeah, Bo showed up.
On time, I might add.

- I couldn't resist.
I'm here with my own picks.

Don't tell Dawn. She
thinks I'm out for a light jog.

- Attention.
Welcome to the draft.

Uh, the food is
from Gero's upcoming

in-house brand of
groceries, Baggie's Buys.

Now, please fill out
a feedback form within 48 hours.

- Is that why there's
plain rice and canned peaches?

- I also brought a six-layer dip.

Used to be seven,
but a layer fell through

and I don't
want to talk about it.

- Hey, we could call
that the James layer, huh?

- Let's play ball.
- Yeah!

[Andrew fusses]

He usually loves the rattle.

Okay, Bo, it's up to you.

You got two left. We're
back to the second round.

- Mm. Starling Marte
and Jazz Chisholm Jr.

- Whoa. Getting all
the steals off the board.

All right. Marla, you're up.

Biggio, Cotto, Tapio.

Okay, just one name.

I know what I'm saying.

I'm gonna go with Byron Buxton.

[laughs] Buxton, dude? No.

- That's a [bleep] pick.
- What?

Sorry. You [bleep] hard.

[laughs]

- Hey, hey, can we, like,
you know, just slow the roll

on the swears
and the harsh name-calling

- because of, uh, kids?
- [Andrew cries]

Beth, how about a drink ticket?

[laughs]

[awkward chuckle]

Where is the line
with this joke?

- By the way, if you were
taking Ohtani,

he's a pitcher or a hitter.

Can't... both--

- What is that smell?
- Oh.

I think it's Beth's last pick.

- [James] It's a blowout.
He pooped-- he pooped it.

It's coming out the diaper.

- Just gotta pop out real quick.
- Shall we wait?

- Yeah, that'd be great please.
Thank you.

- Let me finish. Wait until
James changes the diaper

- to kick him out?
- [all laugh]

[Bo] Hear, hear, Marla.

[kids] Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!

- Puppy?
- Puppy?

Should we have brought
your other kids?

- Oh, my--my neighbor and I
have something worked out.

[chuckles]

- [Astrid]
Viv, do not touch that!

I just wanted a closer look.

Just go look for the puppy.

- [dog barks]
- [Astrid] God!

- You know, last time
I wanted a closer look,

I got a UTI.
And antibiotics don't work.

- No, I--I think they do.

- [gasps] Mommy!
We found the puppy!

Oh. Okay.

At least he's not hungry.

- Come here, puppy!
- Kids, kids!

- Dyna-- Dynasty!
- [Viv] Come here!

- [Astrid] Stop!
- Come here, puppy!

- Vivian! Hey!
- Dynasty!

Yeah!

♪♪

- Oh!
- No, no, no, no!

Stay in the elevator!

- Come on.
- [elevator dings]

Okay. Um, stairs.

Right.

[Astrid] Kids?

- [Andrew coos]
- Yeah!

[baby talk]

Hey, just FYI, uh,

Felix drafted Tyler Flowers,
I don't know.

What? Tyler Flowers retired.

He sucked before he was retired.

- Yeah, it's weird. I wonder
who told him to do that.

- [chuckles] You're trying to
sabotage my team?

Oh, like you care.

Your team has
been trash for years.

You got injured guys in your
starting lineup all year.

You never accept trade
offers or even respond to them.

You're an absentee team
manager and a bad commissioner.

- [inhales] There's only
so much time I have to invest.

I mean, baseball seasons
come and go.

Kids are kind of forever.

- What, are you trying to
make me feel bad for you?

- No, I'm just
saying I'm a father first,

co-commissioner second.

Husband. Husband second.

Husband tied for first,
then employee,

then guy who really digs
the RKLS thing.

The co-commissioner.

Is friend in there anywhere?

- Yes, friend is abs-- yes,

very close to up in the top,
for sure.

- Okay, I get it.
I'll tell you what.

Why don't we both lose
our co-commissioner suits

and that can
just fly solo on this.

- Don't-- Ennis.

- If you try the food,
you have to fill out the forms.

Tell your friends.

♪♪

- [Ennis]
Okay, where were we?

- Nothing here!
- All clear!

- Viv! If you could hear me,
stay where you are!

[Viv]
We're near the blue car!

Blue car. Blue car.
We're looking for a blue car.

[Rachel] Blue car. Blue car...

No blue car here.

Dynasty,
if you get hit by a car,

Don't come crying to me.

I love you, Viv!

- Stay calm!
- We love you, girls!

[Viv] We're naming
the puppy... Brixie!

- Her voice sounds like
it's coming from everywhere, I--

Wait, wait. Wait.

Your earbud. Dynasty
swallowed your--your earbud.

Can you track it on your phone?

- Hell, yes.
I do it every damn day.

Okay, let's go.

Uh... here...

Okay...

Here...

- [gasps]
- Oh, gosh.

[Viv] Hi, Mommy.

- [Astrid]
They're okay. They're okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Did the puppy eat
the pizza slice?

No, I did.

Okay.

That's fine. Let's go.

- Let's go.
- Okay.

Come here, honey.

Okay, where were we?

- Felix is picking for everyone.
It's chaos.

He took all pitchers,
and now I have to

rethink my whole strategy.

- Well, that's because
you're all a bunch of sheep

who can't even function
without your commissioner,

[scoffs]

Without your co-commissioners.

- What are you doing?
- You're right, Ennis.

Even if I keep sucking,
and even if I'm a bad player,

I can still
be a good commissioner.

- Good co-commissioner.

- Felix,
you're in charge of Andrew.

Bo, you're in charge of Felix.

Ennis, you be the pants,
I'll be the jacket.

[Andrew coos]

Transaction approved.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's how we do.

- All right, all right.
- [sighs]

- But how come you
can say suck, but I can't?

- That's [bleep].
- [chuckles]

[shushes]

We've taught him
some things before.

It was funny at the time.

- Honestly, I think you sound
more mature when you swear.

And I like you better.

- Ignoring it for now.
Let's draft.

♪♪

- How do you find time
be a parent and rescue dogs?

Like, I shower with
wipes to save ten minutes.

I grew up in a quiet home.

I was an only child.

I always wanted, like,
a big family

and a house full of life.

Doomsday, right?

But I love it.

Yeah, I love it, too.

Hey! Come on!

Stop it!

- You're so annoying!
Can you just stop?!

Cooper! Hey! Stop that.

Viv? You can hit him back
when he does that.

Uh, no, Viv, she's joking.

It's so funny.
You can't do that.

- [Rachel laughs]
- Stop it!

Stop it! I told you!

Am I? Cooper!

What are you doing?

- Oh, uh, [indistinct]
and his [indistinct]

We're roasting him
on the message board.

And I'm present.
Phone's going away. Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Rachel seems fun.
- [Astrid] Oh, yeah, she's fun.

Mm. [laughs]

- So whose turn is it to
go out with their friends?

- Um, well, technically, you
took the last two turns, so...

it would be my turn.

But I'm so behind on turns.

- Mm. Or we could
both take a turn,

and we just go out together.

- Mm-hmm.

Really milking this
friends with benefits thing.

Always. Whenever.

Mom. Dad. [grunts]

You okay, kid?

- No, I banged my knee
to [bleep].

- W-what! What just--
What happened?

- What happened? Okay, so I think
what happened is he learned

a couple of things at draft.

I'm gonna--

Why don't I just
check on him real quick?

[grunts] Let's check this knee.

[Astrid]
When you become a parent,

your circle of friends shrinks.

[James] You end up hanging
out with a random collection

of whoever your
kids' friends parents are.

[sighs]

- Dad, guess what?
- What's this?

- Tag! You're it!
- [grunts]

[Astrid] But among the duds
who raise your kids' pals,

you'll find some
surprising gems.

[James] Mm-hmm.
People who get your schedule

and understand
the stains on your clothes.

Oh, tag, you're it.

[Astrid] People whose company

you might even enjoy
without kids around.

I got an invite to, um...

It's a yoga class.
But there are...

Go on.

Farm animals.

- [laughs]
- Okay, there's a few goats.

[goat bleating]

[Rachel] Um, an alpaca.

[dinging messages]

- Okay, where are we now?
Um, ah!

Our disgraced former
co-commissioner James.

- For our next pick,
we'll be taking...

[silly accent] Royals...

Silver Slugger Cedric Mullins.

- Cool. Okay,
Bo, you're up.

You shoulda taken Teoscar.

Oh, damn it. You're right.

I got wrapped
up in my own showmanship

- Kill or be killed,
[bleep] face.

[laughs]

- Wow. You are a
different dude in this context.

[closing theme plays]

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