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1
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:03,786
Ooh! Sorry.
Excuse me.
2
00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:05,440
Yeah.
3
00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:09,487
So, Gregory Eddie, Mr. Eddie,
I see you're back from break.
4
00:00:09,487 --> 00:00:10,923
Yes, indeed.
5
00:00:10,923 --> 00:00:13,926
And I see you, Ms. Teagues,
are also back from break.
6
00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:15,537
Yep.
I need to just--
7
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,104
Ooh!
Oh, no, I was, um--
8
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:18,105
But we can-- Yeah.
9
00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:19,106
- No?
- Mnh-mnh.
10
00:00:19,106 --> 00:00:20,672
No.
We don't have to.
11
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:24,502
Funny how social skills just
atrophy when you never use them.
12
00:00:24,502 --> 00:00:25,938
They're just being weird
'cause they danced
13
00:00:25,938 --> 00:00:27,157
at a club during break.
14
00:00:27,157 --> 00:00:29,246
Only club I go to
is Bible Club.
15
00:00:29,246 --> 00:00:30,334
Do they play
good music there?
16
00:00:30,334 --> 00:00:31,335
My favorite club
just got shut down
17
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:32,989
'cause they let a horse in.
18
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:37,776
[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]
19
00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:46,872
♪
20
00:00:46,872 --> 00:00:49,005
It was a Disney Channel
grind at best.
21
00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:50,180
Grow up.
22
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:51,355
Take these score sheets.
23
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,270
Uh, score sheets for what?[ Gasps ] Oh!
24
00:00:53,270 --> 00:00:55,098
This week
is the Read-A-Thon!
25
00:00:55,098 --> 00:00:56,186
Sponsored by
Dough Nuts Pizza.
26
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:58,232
"Dough Nuts for Reading."
27
00:00:58,232 --> 00:00:59,842
Shut up, Janine.
28
00:00:59,842 --> 00:01:01,235
So, how does this work?
29
00:01:01,235 --> 00:01:03,324
The class that reads the most
gets a pizza party?
30
00:01:03,324 --> 00:01:05,500
And that's what
the kids want?
31
00:01:05,500 --> 00:01:07,415
Kind of.
Every kid gets pizza,
32
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:09,286
but we track the class
in each grade
33
00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:10,287
that reads the most.
34
00:01:10,287 --> 00:01:11,941
It's mostly ceremonial,
35
00:01:11,941 --> 00:01:14,117
but some of us take it
more seriously than others.
36
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:17,164
Clear the way!
Two-time second-grade
37
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:19,514
Read-A-Thon champion
coming through!
38
00:01:19,514 --> 00:01:21,603
And this belt's staying
with the champ.
39
00:01:21,603 --> 00:01:22,952
[ Scoffs ]
40
00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:25,868
Yeah, well, who wants to wear
a big belt anyway?
41
00:01:29,567 --> 00:01:31,656
Either way, I'll be the one
wearing that,
42
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:35,573
because my kids are gonna win
because they want to, not me.
43
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:38,402
I believe in losing.
It builds character.
44
00:01:38,402 --> 00:01:41,101
I would never bet against
Melissa in a read-off.
45
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,147
I have seen her inspire even
the most reluctant readers
46
00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:47,411
to devour a complete
"Boxcar Children."
47
00:01:47,411 --> 00:01:50,414
Mm-hmm. I'm gonna mop the floor
with you, Teagues.
48
00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:51,763
You don't want to do that.
49
00:01:51,763 --> 00:01:53,896
It'll just spread
the spill around.
50
00:01:53,896 --> 00:01:54,897
[ Chuckles ]
51
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,246
[ Bottle spraying ]
52
00:01:56,246 --> 00:01:57,856
[ Quietly ]
Yes, yes, yes!
53
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:58,640
[ Normal voice ] Janine!
54
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,207
Did you see the big news?
55
00:02:00,207 --> 00:02:02,426
Oh, my God. Did the multi-color
pushpins come in?
56
00:02:02,426 --> 00:02:05,081
No. Well, I mean,
yes, that is huge.
57
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:08,040
But, uh, I got two sign-ups
for after-school podcast club.
58
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,738
Oh! Two.
59
00:02:09,738 --> 00:02:12,175
Two? Wow!
That-- That's enough to tango.
60
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,437
I cannot wait
to get started.
61
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:15,396
I'm picturing
"This American Life"
62
00:02:15,396 --> 00:02:16,484
meets "Pod Save America"
63
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:17,702
with the research
of "The Daily,"
64
00:02:17,702 --> 00:02:19,313
the storytelling
of "The Moth,"
65
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:22,272
all while, like, redefining
the form, à la "Radiolab."
66
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,231
How many white podcasts
do you listen to?
67
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:25,667
Hundreds.
68
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:26,972
I listen at triple speed,
though, you know,
69
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,278
to fit them all in.
70
00:02:28,278 --> 00:02:29,323
Actually, this conversation
kind of feels like
71
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,454
it's in slow motion.
72
00:02:30,454 --> 00:02:34,154
- But I am so informed.
- Ah.
73
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,329
Gregory!
Mm?
74
00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,026
We got two sign-ups.
75
00:02:37,026 --> 00:02:39,898
You ready to, uh, redefine
journalistic storytelling?
76
00:02:39,898 --> 00:02:42,336
Wait. You're doing
the podcast club?
77
00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:44,251
You get paid a little more
when you do an extracurricular,
78
00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:47,297
and my financial status
continues to be
79
00:02:47,297 --> 00:02:50,082
a source of tension
in my romantic life.
80
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:53,347
Yeah, you're gonna need
a lot more
81
00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:55,349
than one cart of books
to beat my kids.
82
00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,046
Yes, I'm well aware of that.
83
00:02:57,046 --> 00:03:00,180
This is my third trip back
from the library this morning.
84
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:01,572
How are you doing that?
85
00:03:01,572 --> 00:03:04,662
Well, I didn't want to reveal
my secret earlier,
86
00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:06,403
but I figured out
how to fit two weeks
87
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:10,451
of math lessons into next week,
which means this week,
88
00:03:10,451 --> 00:03:15,760
my kids can devote their time to
reading and beating your class.
89
00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,110
Behold.
90
00:03:18,110 --> 00:03:20,287
Our reading wonderland.
91
00:03:20,287 --> 00:03:21,766
[ Classical music playing]
92
00:03:21,766 --> 00:03:27,468
Figured if I come for the queen,
then I best not miss.
93
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,209
Right, kids?
Right?
94
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,775
And, so, if you think--
95
00:03:30,775 --> 00:03:31,994
♪
96
00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:33,474
[ Door opens ]
97
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:37,956
Alright, listen up,
my little eagles...
98
00:03:37,956 --> 00:03:39,219
it's game time.
99
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,177
I'm gonna need youse
reading nonstop, okay?
100
00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:43,353
That means if you're at recess,
you're reading.
101
00:03:43,353 --> 00:03:44,528
On the bus, reading.
102
00:03:44,528 --> 00:03:45,877
If you are at gym class,
103
00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:48,140
the sit-and-reach is now
the sit-and-read.
104
00:03:48,140 --> 00:03:49,446
Yes, Felicity?
105
00:03:49,446 --> 00:03:51,318
What about when I take
a shower?
106
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,058
Slide Babar
into a Ziploc bag.
107
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:56,540
Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks
that her class can outread you,
108
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,281
but that ain't gonna happen.
109
00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:00,283
So what time is it?
110
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:01,545
Children: Game time!
111
00:04:01,545 --> 00:04:03,678
That's right.
Deja, Levi, Bryana,
112
00:04:03,678 --> 00:04:06,333
come on up here
for a second.
113
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:07,682
Alright, listen up.
114
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,292
You three are very
strong readers,
115
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,163
so I'm gonna need
a lot of pages from you.
116
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,252
Can you handle it?
117
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,514
We got this,
Ms. Schemmenti.
118
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:14,950
Alright!
That's my girl.
119
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:16,299
Go get 'em, kids.
120
00:04:16,299 --> 00:04:18,823
I'm gonna read more books
than anyone.
121
00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:21,391
Yeah, right.
122
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:24,133
Levi, Mya's gonna
do her best, alright?
123
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:25,526
Just like everybody else.
124
00:04:25,526 --> 00:04:27,310
Mya's a great student.
125
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:30,313
Just when it comes to reading...
126
00:04:30,313 --> 00:04:35,187
Hey, kids, like adults, all have
their strengths and weaknesses.
127
00:04:35,187 --> 00:04:37,929
As in, you know,
Janine's got lots of weaknesses,
128
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,497
and my strength
is exploiting them.
129
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:44,762
Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor
to embark with you
130
00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:47,591
on the inaugural voyage
of "This Abbott Life."
131
00:04:47,591 --> 00:04:49,767
Producer Gregory and I--Mr. Eddie.
132
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:53,510
We understand that the world
needs your stories,
133
00:04:53,510 --> 00:04:56,513
and this podcast is going
to be a window
134
00:04:56,513 --> 00:04:58,428
into the very soul of Abbott.
135
00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:01,997
Soft, inviting intros,
rhetorical questions
136
00:05:01,997 --> 00:05:05,566
dripping with pregnant pauses,
the Ira Glass model.
137
00:05:05,566 --> 00:05:07,655
What type of pauses?
138
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,047
What's an Ira Glass?
139
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:11,441
Ira Glass?
The godfather of podcasting,
140
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:12,747
the podfather?
141
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:14,270
Oh, you mean Joe Budden.
142
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:16,228
Well, I-I think
he pronounces it Biden,
143
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,970
but we will work on diction
when the mics are hot.
144
00:05:18,970 --> 00:05:22,322
You've never heard
of Joe Budden? Here.
145
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:28,458
[ Indistinct chatter
through earbuds]
146
00:05:28,458 --> 00:05:30,155
[ Bleeping]
Whoa! Okay.
147
00:05:30,155 --> 00:05:31,243
[ Both laugh ]
148
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:33,158
I'm not sure how
Mr. Budden's mother
149
00:05:33,158 --> 00:05:35,378
would feel
about that podcast.
150
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:38,903
Anyways, here is something
to go off of for Episode 1.
151
00:05:38,903 --> 00:05:40,731
But, you know,
make it your own.
152
00:05:40,731 --> 00:05:43,908
Wherever the story takes you,
go there.
153
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:46,346
Y'all be careful.
That equipment ain't cheap.
154
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,044
You think just anybody
can start a podcast? Please!
155
00:05:49,044 --> 00:05:51,176
Oh, you haven't heard
of the Coleman Podcast Network?
156
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:53,875
It's a couple of "Housewife"
recaps, "Banana Mouth,"
157
00:05:53,875 --> 00:05:57,182
my screenwriting-advice podcast,
"Catch These Fade Ins,"
158
00:05:57,182 --> 00:06:00,098
not to mention
my ASMR endeavors.
159
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:02,405
[ Whispering ] But Spotify
made me take those down.
160
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:05,495
[ ASMR eating noises ]
161
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:07,671
I'm telling you, Barb,
I've never had a class
162
00:06:07,671 --> 00:06:10,108
make this much
reading progress this fast.
163
00:06:10,108 --> 00:06:12,850
We're riding that Magic
School Bus straight to victory.
164
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:14,896
I never cared for that
Ms. Frizzle.
165
00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:16,419
Always wearing
those kooky outfits,
166
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:19,379
and that overzealous,
can-do attitude.
167
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,468
You guys talking about
the Read-A-Thon?
168
00:06:21,468 --> 00:06:22,947
I am killing it.
169
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:25,646
Yeah, my kids are behind
a few pages, but not for long.
170
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:27,343
We are winning it
to be in it.
171
00:06:27,343 --> 00:06:28,866
No, that's not it. Mm.
172
00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:32,217
I just think it's cute
how you're still trying, Janine.
173
00:06:32,217 --> 00:06:33,567
You're not gonna catch us.
174
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:36,396
That Wimpy Kid can't
crank out diaries fast enough.
175
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,310
[ Chuckles ]
176
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:39,703
Whoa. Wait.
177
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:41,313
Nurse Makiah, where are
you going with these three?
178
00:06:41,313 --> 00:06:43,403
They wouldn't stop rubbing
their eyes on the playground.
179
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,622
One of them said they've been
reading this in the bathroom,
180
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:47,189
then gave the book
to the other two.
181
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:49,713
It's pink eye.
It's always pink eye.
182
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:52,324
Oh, my three
strongest readers!
183
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,500
Why?!
184
00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:55,676
You told us to read
at all times.
185
00:06:55,676 --> 00:06:56,633
I did. Aw.
186
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:58,548
Come on.
Come on, kids. Let's go.
187
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,898
Hope you feel better, kids.
188
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:01,899
Ugh!
189
00:07:01,899 --> 00:07:03,640
Your pizza's cooked, Schemmenti.
190
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,687
I genuinely do hope your kids
feel better, but you're done.
191
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:07,731
You know what, Janine?
192
00:07:07,731 --> 00:07:09,167
[ As Melissa ]
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
193
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,256
you want to talk
about pink eyes, Janine?
194
00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:13,955
I'm gonna give you a black eye,
ya gabortz.
195
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:16,261
[ Normal voice ] Yeah. It was
gonna be something like that.
196
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:17,567
Hmm?
197
00:07:18,394 --> 00:07:20,265
Melissa: Mm.
198
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,530
[ School bell rings ]
199
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,797
Oh, hello.
200
00:07:29,797 --> 00:07:31,625
How long you been
sitting there?
201
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,365
I'm standing,
and a long time.
202
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:36,107
Okay, well, you can just wipe
that smirk off your face.
203
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,501
I know plenty of people who
have counted me out before.
204
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,285
- Mm-hmm.
- And while I have absolutely
205
00:07:40,285 --> 00:07:44,376
no way of confirming this,
I'm positive they're all dead.
206
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,943
I hope not.
207
00:07:45,943 --> 00:07:50,513
But, uh, since you're so sure,
how about we raise--
208
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:52,689
This is in the way.
209
00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,517
How about we raise
the stakes?
210
00:07:54,517 --> 00:07:55,953
Oh, okay, a side bet.
Mm-hmm.
211
00:07:55,953 --> 00:07:57,694
Alright, what are you
thinking?
212
00:07:57,694 --> 00:07:59,827
Hmm.
213
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,481
I don't know.
I'm confident I'm winning,
214
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,526
but I don't have anything
of value or any money.
215
00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:06,181
Okay, how about we wager
something you can't possibly
216
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:08,531
put a price on--
dignity?
217
00:08:08,531 --> 00:08:09,750
Oh.
218
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,709
Loser has to streak
at the Sixers game.
219
00:08:12,709 --> 00:08:13,971
Yeah. Yep.
220
00:08:13,971 --> 00:08:15,233
Mm-hmm.
221
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:17,627
Definitely, I would do that,
but, also, um,
222
00:08:17,627 --> 00:08:22,327
something else
that could be just as bad is,
223
00:08:22,327 --> 00:08:25,548
loser has to be a guest
on Jacob's podcast.
224
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,202
Equally as humiliating.
225
00:08:27,202 --> 00:08:29,160
Alright. Okay.
226
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:31,772
Okay, listen up.
227
00:08:31,772 --> 00:08:33,251
Y'all already heard the news.
228
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:35,515
Levi, Deja, and Bryana
have pink eye.
229
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,560
Now, I know they were
leading the charge,
230
00:08:37,560 --> 00:08:40,737
but we are still in this.
Right?
231
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,522
We can come back
from this setback,
232
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,612
and when we do, it will make
the victory all the sweeter,
233
00:08:45,612 --> 00:08:48,745
because, my little eagles,
these are the moments
234
00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:51,661
that will define
the rest of your lives.
235
00:08:51,661 --> 00:08:53,707
You don't want to look back
on this week
236
00:08:53,707 --> 00:08:55,012
when you're 35 and think,
237
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:58,015
"Man, if I had only won
that reading thing."
238
00:08:58,015 --> 00:09:01,671
So, who is gonna step up
and lead this class
239
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,717
to eternal glory?
240
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:05,632
I'll read the class
to eternal glory.
241
00:09:05,632 --> 00:09:07,416
That's right, Mya.
Who else?
242
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:09,592
I guess I can read
while I watch TV.
243
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,768
- Yeah.
- If I listen to an audiobook
244
00:09:11,768 --> 00:09:13,683
while I fall asleep,
that counts, right?
245
00:09:13,683 --> 00:09:16,425
I don't need to know how you do
it, just get those books read.
246
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:20,298
Alright, let's go!
Crack those books!
247
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:23,606
A skunk sat on a stump
and thunk the stump stunk.
248
00:09:23,606 --> 00:09:24,781
Stump. Thunk.
249
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:25,869
- What are you doing?
- I'm checking levels.
250
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,218
Can you hear me?
251
00:09:27,218 --> 00:09:29,394
I really wish I couldn't.[ Door opens ]
252
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:32,180
Don't mind me. I'm just here
to make fun of you.
253
00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,485
Thank you
for the honesty.
254
00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:35,749
Okay. Is everybody good
on the theme?
255
00:09:35,749 --> 00:09:37,533
Yep.
"Cafeteria Blues."
256
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:38,708
We got plenty on that.
257
00:09:38,708 --> 00:09:40,275
Well, I knew you would.
258
00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:42,625
Okay, Producer Mr. Eddie,
roll that royalty-free music,
259
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:45,236
and I will jump
into my intro.
260
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:48,283
[ Mellow electronic music
plays]
261
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:50,067
Lunchtime can be
so polarizing.
262
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,069
For some, it's a well-earned
mid-day break.
263
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,506
For others,
a bit more complicated.
264
00:09:54,506 --> 00:09:56,596
In West Philadelphia,
I'm Jacob Hill.
265
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:59,424
Today on "This Abbott Life,"
two of our producers tell us
266
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:02,689
about those cafeteria
complications firsthand.
267
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:05,822
- Gentlemen?
- What's up, Mr. C?
268
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:06,954
Man!
269
00:10:06,954 --> 00:10:09,173
The Abbott cafeteria
is a whole movie.
270
00:10:09,173 --> 00:10:10,218
Right.
271
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,915
All the school baddies
in one place.
272
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:13,830
We're talking about
the cafeteria,
273
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:15,397
and you're talking
about girls?
274
00:10:15,397 --> 00:10:17,138
Lunchtime's
about starting rumors.
275
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:21,229
Otherwise, the bus ride home
is going to be boring!
276
00:10:21,229 --> 00:10:23,971
Like the rumor that
you pee in pools? [ Laughs ]
277
00:10:23,971 --> 00:10:25,755
Yo, that's a whole lie.
278
00:10:25,755 --> 00:10:26,887
Show some respect.
279
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,062
I'm trying to respect
these jawns,
280
00:10:28,062 --> 00:10:29,541
but you're over there
blocking me.
281
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:32,632
Okay, alright.
Um, yeah, good, uh, energy,
282
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,503
but maybe rein it in a tad.
283
00:10:34,503 --> 00:10:37,854
Remember, this is about
journalistic storytelling, okay?
284
00:10:37,854 --> 00:10:38,899
There's no need to argue.
285
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,944
This is what podcasts
are about.
286
00:10:40,944 --> 00:10:42,511
We're just being ourselves.
287
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:44,861
Yeah, I checked out
some of those podcasts
288
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:46,471
you were telling us about.
289
00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:47,951
It's like listening
to school.
290
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,518
Don't waste your time.
291
00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:51,433
Those nerds speak like
a bow tie came to life.
292
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:54,088
Well, we all know that
Michael Barbaro milks it a bit.
293
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:56,264
But you have to master
the fundamentals of podcasting
294
00:10:56,264 --> 00:10:59,789
before you can break them,
right, Producer Mr. Eddie?
295
00:10:59,789 --> 00:11:01,356
Oh, I wasn't listening.
296
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,836
Oh--But please don't feel
the need to repeat yourself.
297
00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:04,315
Can I at least tell the story
about that one time
298
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:05,708
when I was spitting game
to Emily?
299
00:11:05,708 --> 00:11:07,057
No, no. Sorry.
That would be--
300
00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:08,537
Jacob, let that boy speak.
301
00:11:08,537 --> 00:11:11,627
Emily is top-10 popular,
and I need that tea.
302
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,107
Come on, let's get it.
303
00:11:16,371 --> 00:11:18,155
[ Gasps ] Ooh, look, look,
- look, look! - Hello.
304
00:11:18,155 --> 00:11:20,854
Okay. According to this chart, Janine,
305
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:22,812
my class is way ahead
of yours.
306
00:11:22,812 --> 00:11:24,596
Let me get this straight.
307
00:11:24,596 --> 00:11:26,642
Three of your best readers
- go down with pink eye. - Mm-hmm.
308
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:28,992
And, yet, somehow,
your class starts
309
00:11:28,992 --> 00:11:31,255
reading more books
than everyone?
310
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,954
Yeah, 'cause I give one hell
of an inspiring speech.
311
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:35,651
You know, we Schemmentis
pride ourselves
312
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,958
on our art
of coercion.
313
00:11:37,958 --> 00:11:39,437
Motivation.
314
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:40,917
You know, if it wasn't for
one of Melissa's speeches,
315
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:42,440
I never would have watched
"The King's Speech."
316
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:43,833
- Mm-hmm.
- But I tell you what.
317
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:47,707
That Colin Powell
sure can act. Mm!
318
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,927
Yeah, well, speech or no speech,
something is off.
319
00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,842
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
320
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:55,627
Are you accusing me
of cheating, Teagues?
321
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:56,977
Uh, yeah.
322
00:11:56,977 --> 00:11:58,848
Only because you brag
about cheating all the time.
323
00:11:58,848 --> 00:11:59,936
[ Scoffs ]
324
00:11:59,936 --> 00:12:01,285
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
325
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:05,202
Now, now, Melissa does cheat
from time to time.
326
00:12:05,202 --> 00:12:06,856
Yeah, my first boyfriend.
327
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,379
My-- My second boyfriend.
328
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:10,294
Keto diet 'cause
I ain't giving up carbs.
329
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:13,036
My--But she would never cheat
on an actual competition.
330
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:15,996
Yeah. What am I,
the USC athletic director?
331
00:12:15,996 --> 00:12:17,432
Okay, fine.
You know what?
332
00:12:17,432 --> 00:12:19,347
I'm gonna go right now and check
my readers' reports
333
00:12:19,347 --> 00:12:21,088
just to make sure
we're on the level, alright?
334
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:23,743
Look, listen, all I'm saying is,
I just want things to be fair.
335
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,485
And I bet when you watch sports,
you root for the refs.
336
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:29,879
I do.
You do?
337
00:12:29,879 --> 00:12:31,968
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
338
00:12:36,712 --> 00:12:40,803
Mya, could you bring that book
up to my desk, please?
339
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:43,937
Great.
What you reading, hon?
340
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:47,897
"Rip Van Wi--"
341
00:12:47,897 --> 00:12:49,203
That's okay.
That's a hard one.
342
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:52,554
"Rip Van Winkle."
How is it?
343
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:54,425
It's good?
Yeah?
344
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:56,340
So, on this form
your parents signed,
345
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:59,474
it says that you read
like 25 books last night.
346
00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:01,911
I'm just checking--
Is that the number you meant to put down?
347
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:04,871
Yes. I want to help the class
kick Ms. Teagues' butt.
348
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:07,308
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, you are.
349
00:13:07,308 --> 00:13:08,613
You sure are.
350
00:13:08,613 --> 00:13:11,834
Um, so, you said you, um,
read like 10 of those
351
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,488
"Berenstain Bears" books.
352
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:15,969
Just remind me, what's the name
of the sister bear again?
353
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:18,536
Mm, Beyoncé?
354
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:23,367
[ Laughs ] Hey!
Here they are.
355
00:13:23,367 --> 00:13:27,284
The hosts of Abbott Elementary's
number-one podcast.
356
00:13:27,284 --> 00:13:29,460
What'd you think of
that first ep I dropped?
357
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:30,548
Droll, right?
358
00:13:30,548 --> 00:13:31,985
This episode blows.
359
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:34,857
[ Aa-ooga sound effect]
360
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:35,858
Sorry.
361
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,033
Whoa, what do you mean?
362
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,035
You ruined our episode.
363
00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:42,082
Jacob: The cafeteria staff say
negotiations with the district
364
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:43,344
come down to one thing.
365
00:13:43,344 --> 00:13:45,302
Clarence: Respect. Raheem: Respect.
366
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:47,609
Respect.
Chapter 3.
367
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,872
The popular-kids' table
can be a daunting--
368
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:51,091
[ Beep, recording stops ]
369
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:53,136
This isn't what we recorded.
370
00:13:53,136 --> 00:13:54,224
This is your script.
371
00:13:54,224 --> 00:13:55,704
Producer Gregory
and I thought--
372
00:13:55,704 --> 00:13:57,401
Uh, Mr. Eddie had nothing
to do with this.
373
00:13:57,401 --> 00:14:01,449
Okay, I thought that a more
school-appropriate version
374
00:14:01,449 --> 00:14:04,844
would be more appropriate
for school.
375
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,889
And, look, there's a learning
curve here, you know?
376
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:09,065
We are all--You censored us.
377
00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,328
Okay, do not say that.
378
00:14:11,328 --> 00:14:13,417
This isn't what
we signed up for.
379
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,505
Yeah, man.
380
00:14:14,505 --> 00:14:16,464
We quit.
381
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:18,292
I was really excited for this, too.
382
00:14:18,292 --> 00:14:20,990
Um...
383
00:14:20,990 --> 00:14:22,339
Do we still get paid
for the club
384
00:14:22,339 --> 00:14:25,603
if there are no students
in the club?
385
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:26,953
No.
386
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:30,260
[ Wah-wah-wah-wah sound effect]
387
00:14:34,047 --> 00:14:36,179
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
388
00:14:36,179 --> 00:14:38,051
Hey.
Come-- Come sit down.
389
00:14:38,051 --> 00:14:40,531
Hey, Mya, why don't you go read
one of those books I put out.
390
00:14:40,531 --> 00:14:42,794
How about I read
all the books?
391
00:14:42,794 --> 00:14:44,405
Okay.
392
00:14:44,405 --> 00:14:47,016
Listen, I just wanted to check
in with you guys about Mya.
393
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:48,931
Is something wrong?
Is she okay?
394
00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:50,019
Oh, no, no.
395
00:14:50,019 --> 00:14:52,108
She's fantastic.
Are you kidding?
396
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,588
She's got her math down
to a science
397
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:54,937
and her science
down to an art.
398
00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:57,548
[ Chuckles ]
Hey!
399
00:14:57,548 --> 00:15:00,900
Um, yeah, okay, so, the thing is
that she brought in her
400
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,294
Read-A-Thon list this morning
that you guys signed off on.
401
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:06,166
And I just don't see
how it's possible
402
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:08,864
she read all these books
just last night.
403
00:15:08,864 --> 00:15:10,779
Of course she did.
404
00:15:10,779 --> 00:15:12,781
Listen, she's fantastic,
405
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,609
but none of the kids
in the class
406
00:15:14,609 --> 00:15:16,741
can read 25 books
in one night.
407
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:19,440
- She's still a fine reader.
- Okay.
408
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:24,184
Mya, who is your favorite
character in "Curious George"?
409
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:27,839
Um, George?
410
00:15:27,839 --> 00:15:29,189
See?
Here's the thing.
411
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:33,062
Mya is just starting to show
some initial signs
412
00:15:33,062 --> 00:15:34,672
of struggling
with reading.
413
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:38,459
And the last thing that I want
is for her to get frustrated
414
00:15:38,459 --> 00:15:40,156
and then, you know,
get annoyed
415
00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,071
and give up
on reading altogether.
416
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:45,031
So I just thought,
if we get her tested,
417
00:15:45,031 --> 00:15:47,076
we can eliminate any issues
she might have with reading--
418
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,296
Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Mya doesn't need some tests.
419
00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:51,863
I know that the idea
of testing your child
420
00:15:51,863 --> 00:15:53,256
can be a little scary,
421
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:55,432
but, listen, we just don't
want her to fall behind.
422
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,999
There is nothing wrong
with her.
423
00:15:56,999 --> 00:15:58,566
Oh, no, no, no.
424
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,307
Mr. and Mrs. Okafor, I never
said she was falling behind.
425
00:16:00,307 --> 00:16:01,743
There's nothing wrong
with her.
426
00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,397
- She's a fantastic student.
- Mya, let's go.
427
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,921
She just needs a little extra
help just in the reading.
428
00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:07,270
Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
429
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:11,361
I just finished four more books,
Ms. Schemmenti.
430
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:13,015
Four.
431
00:16:21,110 --> 00:16:22,894
Okay, guys, after re-running
the numbers,
432
00:16:22,894 --> 00:16:24,896
it appears that Ms. Teagues'
class read more books than us.
433
00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:28,161
[ Kids groan ]
Yeah, no, no. Don't get it twisted.
434
00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,640
Let's think about it.
435
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,381
If you're in Ms. Teagues' class,
are you really a winner?
436
00:16:31,381 --> 00:16:32,992
[ Laughter ]
Alright, don't repeat that.
437
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,558
I just wanted to let
you chipmunks know
438
00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:36,952
how proud I am of you,
all the books you read.
439
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:39,128
And when you walk out
of this classroom,
440
00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:42,175
you keep your heads held high,
'cause, at the end of the day,
441
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:46,048
all that really matters is,
everyone's eating pizza.
442
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:47,441
- Ms. Schemmenti?
- Yes?
443
00:16:47,441 --> 00:16:50,313
I really tried to help our class
read the most books,
444
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:52,489
but can I be done
with books now?
445
00:16:52,489 --> 00:16:54,709
I mean, the contest is over, right?
446
00:16:57,233 --> 00:16:59,496
Yeah, actually, Mya,
can I get your help
447
00:16:59,496 --> 00:17:01,498
with something
in the hall real quick?
448
00:17:01,498 --> 00:17:04,066
Great.
You guys keep eating your pizza.
449
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,285
Okay.
450
00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,896
So, Mya, I-I want
to ask you something,
451
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:10,725
and I want you to be honest
with me, okay?
452
00:17:10,725 --> 00:17:12,901
'Cause, remember, it's me,
Ms. Schemmenti.
453
00:17:12,901 --> 00:17:16,209
Remember when we trekked
through that snowstorm together?
454
00:17:16,209 --> 00:17:17,471
Stomp, stomp, stomp!
455
00:17:17,471 --> 00:17:20,082
- Abominable!
- Abominable!
456
00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,605
Yeah.
457
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:26,262
Um, can reading feel just, like,
a little tough sometimes?
458
00:17:26,262 --> 00:17:28,351
A lot of tough.
Oh, yeah.
459
00:17:28,351 --> 00:17:30,962
You know what?
For me, too.
460
00:17:30,962 --> 00:17:32,660
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
461
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:35,880
But I found some tricks
over the years
462
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,099
to help make it easier.
463
00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:38,927
Like, look.
464
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:41,712
You see the beginning of each
of the words is highlighted?
465
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,715
That helps make sense out of
the whole word "minestrone."
466
00:17:44,715 --> 00:17:48,241
See, the story's about
a little girl who, um,
467
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:51,983
had to read things a few times
till they made sense.
468
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:53,811
And, sometimes,
some of the other kids
469
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,378
would make fun of her.
470
00:17:55,378 --> 00:17:57,554
But at the end,
she figures out
471
00:17:57,554 --> 00:18:00,470
that it doesn't matter
how fast or slow you read.
472
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,733
Reading's about having fun.
473
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:07,216
See, my teacher gave this to me
when I was a little girl,
474
00:18:07,216 --> 00:18:09,088
just about your age,
475
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:13,396
and I promise you,
I grew up to love reading.
476
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:17,618
Ms. Schemmenti?
Yeah, hon?
477
00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,924
I still wish
we would have won.
478
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:22,971
Yeah, me, too, kiddo, but,
you know, what are you gonna do?
479
00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:24,015
The rules are the rules.
480
00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,278
Rules stink.
481
00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:26,409
Yeah, they do.
482
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:28,368
Go have some pizza.
483
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,850
[ Door opens ]
484
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:33,938
[ Door closes ]
485
00:18:35,288 --> 00:18:37,028
What happened to
your little podcast club?
486
00:18:37,028 --> 00:18:38,421
Oh. [ Sighs ]
487
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:40,249
Kids decided they didn't want
to do it anymore.
488
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,946
Yeah, I don't blame them.
489
00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:43,426
I almost fell asleep listening
to the first episode.
490
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:44,645
And I was driving.
491
00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:46,951
Your podcast
could have killed me.
492
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:50,259
I just wanted to give the kids
something new
493
00:18:50,259 --> 00:18:51,521
and exciting to do,
you know?
494
00:18:51,521 --> 00:18:53,306
New and exciting for them
or for you?
495
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:54,568
'Cause it sounds like you
were trying to force them
496
00:18:54,568 --> 00:18:57,353
to do something
that you want to do.
497
00:18:57,353 --> 00:18:59,834
[ Mockingly ]
You're a bad teacher.
498
00:18:59,834 --> 00:19:01,314
Oh, my God.
499
00:19:01,314 --> 00:19:03,403
I've had this exact
nightmare before.
500
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:04,926
Yeah, people tell me that
a lot.
501
00:19:04,926 --> 00:19:06,884
I call it "Ava vu."
[déjà vu]
502
00:19:06,884 --> 00:19:08,059
Now get out of here.
503
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:09,235
There's a new episode
of "Below Deck"
504
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,888
that I got to review
for my podcast,
505
00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:13,761
"Small Deck Energy."
506
00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,371
I wanted to be like
Sarah Koenig,
507
00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:19,593
you know, a graceful hand to
hold through gripping stories.
508
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:21,812
And, instead, I tried to force
my agenda
509
00:19:21,812 --> 00:19:24,119
onto impressionable listeners.
510
00:19:26,252 --> 00:19:27,644
I Rogan'd.
511
00:19:28,732 --> 00:19:31,474
Melissa, I'm sorry you lost.
512
00:19:31,474 --> 00:19:34,347
What do you think Jacob's gonna
ask you on that podcast?
513
00:19:34,347 --> 00:19:36,305
Oh, I'm not doing
that crap.
514
00:19:39,613 --> 00:19:41,180
[ Laughs ] See that?
515
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,660
I'm like a tall Simone Biles.
[ Exhales deeply ]
516
00:19:43,660 --> 00:19:47,011
Times like these, I'm reminded
of Sir LeVar Burton,
517
00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:50,319
who taught us that reading
is like a rainbow,
518
00:19:50,319 --> 00:19:53,279
and the pot of gold
is that I won.
519
00:19:53,279 --> 00:19:55,324
You know, Janine,
I re-read the rules
520
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:57,500
that Dough Nuts prints out
on their form.
521
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,806
Um, you know, sometimes,
522
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,199
it takes me reading
through things
523
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,592
a couple of times
before I get everything.
524
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:04,681
"The winning teacher
is determined
525
00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:07,945
by whichever classroom
reads the most books."
526
00:20:07,945 --> 00:20:10,034
And since my
second-and-third-grade class
527
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,950
are in one room,
the classroom,
528
00:20:12,950 --> 00:20:14,561
I get to add
their totals together,
529
00:20:14,561 --> 00:20:18,695
which, unfortunately for you,
means I won.
530
00:20:18,695 --> 00:20:20,219
Dough Nuts said whats?
531
00:20:29,010 --> 00:20:30,316
I'm glad to be back, Mr. C.Yeah.
532
00:20:30,316 --> 00:20:32,013
Thanks for letting us
make it our own.
533
00:20:32,013 --> 00:20:35,712
For "This Abbott Life,"
here's Clarence and Raheem.
534
00:20:35,712 --> 00:20:39,499
So, what questions do you little
reporters have for me today?
535
00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:41,849
My mama said she saw you
at the club grindin'
536
00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:45,635
all up on
Producer Mr. Eddie.
537
00:20:45,635 --> 00:20:47,333
Oh, uh--Uh--
538
00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:48,464
What kind of podcast
is this?
539
00:20:48,464 --> 00:20:50,423
Okay, so you were grinding.
540
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,076
No. No, no, no, no, no.
I was not--
541
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:55,384
We were dancing, you know, just
how normal people dance, right?
542
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:56,864
- Like normal people.
- Yeah.
543
00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:59,301
Clarence's mom said
she saw you leave together.
544
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:00,302
What?!
That is not true.
545
00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:01,608
Hmm.
Then what happened?
546
00:21:01,608 --> 00:21:03,523
I was outside talking
to his friend Maurice.
547
00:21:03,523 --> 00:21:04,959
What?
548
00:21:04,959 --> 00:21:07,396
Uh, Jacob, isn't this exactly
the kind of podcast
549
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,920
you wanted
to steer away from?
550
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,444
Actually,
I would love to hear,
551
00:21:11,444 --> 00:21:12,575
if you have anything
you'd like to add.
552
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,925
You know,
for journalistic purposes.
553
00:21:17,232 --> 00:21:19,756
This episode was brought to you
by the Coleman Podcast Network.
554
00:21:19,756 --> 00:21:21,758
Yeah, we're still waiting
for that answer.
555
00:21:21,808 --> 00:21:26,358
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