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1
00:00:11,957 --> 00:00:14,227
Are you sure we should
do our project on a whale?
2
00:00:14,295 --> 00:00:16,095
What about all the cooler
unsolved mysteries,
3
00:00:16,165 --> 00:00:17,735
like people who jog for fun?
4
00:00:17,802 --> 00:00:20,172
This isn't just any whale.
This is 52.
5
00:00:20,240 --> 00:00:22,280
He spent his life
calling out at 52 hertz,
6
00:00:22,344 --> 00:00:25,254
which is too high a frequency
for other whales to hear.
7
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:27,187
Sounds like
his life's a beach.
8
00:00:27,254 --> 00:00:29,264
Hey-oh! Ha.
Still workshopping that one.
9
00:00:29,325 --> 00:00:31,025
Well, maybe the song
isn't for other whales.
10
00:00:31,095 --> 00:00:32,455
You know,
it's just for himself.
11
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:33,772
It's like when I sing
Stevie Nicks while
12
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,274
eating a sub at Hamboni's--
13
00:00:35,337 --> 00:00:36,807
it's for me,
and everyone else can--
14
00:00:36,874 --> 00:00:38,114
Stand back.
15
00:00:38,176 --> 00:00:39,506
Wait, you sing
at the Hamboni's?
16
00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:41,280
Yeah, man,
their subs are ridick.
17
00:00:41,349 --> 00:00:43,589
Dinner's ready!
18
00:00:43,654 --> 00:00:46,164
Chrissy, Benny has told us
so much about you.
19
00:00:46,226 --> 00:00:48,126
Did you pass your
algebra test retake?
20
00:00:48,196 --> 00:00:49,526
- Mom.
- Oh, my God, yeah, wow.
21
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:51,270
I did.
- Oh--sorry.
22
00:00:51,336 --> 00:00:53,006
I tell my parents everything.
- Nah, that's OK.
23
00:00:53,073 --> 00:00:54,343
Congrats.
24
00:00:54,408 --> 00:00:55,678
Miss Kim can be
cold-blooded when grading,
25
00:00:55,745 --> 00:00:56,905
but I guess all lizard people
are like that.
26
00:00:56,981 --> 00:00:57,921
Ay, no.
27
00:00:59,285 --> 00:01:00,385
Don't worry about
eating too much.
28
00:01:00,454 --> 00:01:02,164
We have plenty left over.
29
00:01:02,224 --> 00:01:03,894
So if you want seconds,
or third, or fourths--
30
00:01:03,961 --> 00:01:05,831
Our mom likes to
have us all split our pants.
31
00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:07,098
It's the Filipino way.
32
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,597
It's the Amalia way.
33
00:01:08,671 --> 00:01:10,781
- Oh, you two.
- I love this.
34
00:01:10,842 --> 00:01:12,512
It's like I'm in an ABC sitcom.
35
00:01:14,415 --> 00:01:17,045
You better not go for a
second helping, fat boy.
36
00:01:17,121 --> 00:01:19,731
You think Chrissy wants a boy
with a paunch like that?
37
00:01:19,793 --> 00:01:23,503
Even if you sucked it in you'd
just push out your man boobs.
38
00:01:24,970 --> 00:01:26,470
- No boobs!
- Say what?
39
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:28,580
I mean, no boos, only yays
40
00:01:28,644 --> 00:01:30,854
because this meal
was A-plus, Mom.
41
00:01:30,915 --> 00:01:33,245
And it was
so great, I'm done.
42
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,290
May I please be
excused to feed Otis?
43
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:38,797
I gotta be honest,
between the fresh food
44
00:01:38,864 --> 00:01:40,274
and the reusable plates,
45
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:41,944
I feel like
I'm in a five-star restaurant.
46
00:01:42,004 --> 00:01:43,614
Is everything OK at home?
47
00:01:43,674 --> 00:01:45,144
No.
48
00:01:45,210 --> 00:01:47,210
I'm just kidding. Ha ha!
Sort of.
49
00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:49,191
May I be excused to
help Bennigan feed Otis?
50
00:01:49,251 --> 00:01:50,321
Of course.
51
00:01:50,387 --> 00:01:51,917
Get some gloves though.
He snaps.
52
00:01:51,991 --> 00:01:53,761
Otis, not Bennigan.
53
00:01:53,828 --> 00:01:55,898
[coughing]
54
00:01:55,965 --> 00:01:57,635
No more.
55
00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:59,242
I've done enough.
I'm done.
56
00:02:00,541 --> 00:02:02,751
Oh, Chrissy, hi. Hello.
57
00:02:02,812 --> 00:02:05,082
Hey, I was coming
to help you with Otis.
58
00:02:05,150 --> 00:02:06,320
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
59
00:02:06,386 --> 00:02:07,916
Yeah, let's feed
that reptilian fiend. Ha.
60
00:02:07,989 --> 00:02:09,589
Uh... you OK?
61
00:02:09,660 --> 00:02:11,400
As OK as the classic
and underperformed
62
00:02:11,462 --> 00:02:12,902
Rodgers
and Hammerstein musical.
63
00:02:15,470 --> 00:02:17,010
You sure you don't
want anything else?
64
00:02:17,074 --> 00:02:18,514
Some soda cans?
A popcorn machine?
65
00:02:18,577 --> 00:02:20,547
Iggy, give the girl
our fruit bowl.
66
00:02:20,615 --> 00:02:23,315
No, no, I'm fine.
Thank you for having me over.
67
00:02:23,386 --> 00:02:25,316
Now I won't have to scrounge
for food at the 7-Eleven
68
00:02:25,390 --> 00:02:26,990
for a whole other week.
69
00:02:27,061 --> 00:02:28,701
Ha, ha, ha, just
joshing, kind of.
70
00:02:28,764 --> 00:02:29,774
Thanks again.
71
00:02:32,939 --> 00:02:34,439
Hmm.
72
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:47,428
Whoa, that can't be.
73
00:02:47,502 --> 00:02:48,672
A self-portrait--
no better way
74
00:02:48,738 --> 00:02:50,238
to face the truth
about yourself
75
00:02:50,307 --> 00:02:51,337
and try to change who you are.
76
00:02:51,409 --> 00:02:52,779
Damn.
77
00:02:52,846 --> 00:02:54,976
Could use a couple
more inches of fat gut.
78
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,750
I gotta help him.
79
00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:58,990
Holy shit, do lizards
have two penises?
80
00:03:06,540 --> 00:03:08,710
- Hey, Mom, I have a question.
81
00:03:08,778 --> 00:03:11,778
Let's say I have a friend who
may or may not have a problem.
82
00:03:11,850 --> 00:03:13,220
A friend, huh?
83
00:03:13,286 --> 00:03:14,516
You don't have to
speak in code, honey.
84
00:03:14,589 --> 00:03:16,129
Masturbation
is perfectly natural.
85
00:03:16,192 --> 00:03:18,562
And girls can do it too.
- What? Eew! No!
86
00:03:18,631 --> 00:03:20,671
It's a necessary destressor,
and you can do it anywhere--
87
00:03:20,735 --> 00:03:22,295
- Jesus. Never mind. Forget it.
---in bed, in the school
88
00:03:22,371 --> 00:03:23,771
bathroom, before a test.
89
00:03:25,310 --> 00:03:26,850
Hey, Snake with
Arms, my dad around?
90
00:03:26,914 --> 00:03:29,054
I got this friend I want
to help and thought maybe
91
00:03:29,118 --> 00:03:30,558
there was a power that--
92
00:03:34,261 --> 00:03:37,171
Wait, that's not-- what is
everyone's obsession with--
93
00:03:38,069 --> 00:03:41,039
Come on, don't you want
to chew your yeti bone
94
00:03:41,109 --> 00:03:42,849
or fetch your gorgon balls?
95
00:03:42,912 --> 00:03:45,382
Snake with Arms, I told you
to leave me alone.
96
00:03:48,156 --> 00:03:49,626
Flicking the bean already?
97
00:03:49,693 --> 00:03:52,163
God damn it, I can't deal
with this shit right now.
98
00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:54,071
She-she can't see me like this.
99
00:03:54,135 --> 00:03:55,195
Tell her to go to my study.
100
00:03:55,270 --> 00:03:56,740
She'll find what
she needs there.
101
00:03:56,807 --> 00:03:59,547
It ain't me,
but it's the next best thing.
102
00:04:03,386 --> 00:04:05,626
My dad journals?
103
00:04:19,953 --> 00:04:21,193
Hello, Satan.
104
00:04:21,255 --> 00:04:23,285
Which of your glorious
musings would you like
105
00:04:23,359 --> 00:04:25,259
to revisit today, hot stuff?
106
00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:27,030
How do I, um, change--
107
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:28,371
I heard change.
108
00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:32,876
I have 2,503,859
volumes on changing--
109
00:04:35,952 --> 00:04:37,522
Changing the game,
110
00:04:37,589 --> 00:04:39,159
a new way
to fart without sound.
111
00:04:39,225 --> 00:04:42,025
I think I changed the past
and fucked everything up--
112
00:04:42,097 --> 00:04:43,467
wait, no.
113
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:44,804
I just don't remember
that chair there.
114
00:04:44,870 --> 00:04:46,210
Let me finish.
115
00:04:46,272 --> 00:04:48,842
How do I change the way someone
thinks about themselves?
116
00:04:48,911 --> 00:04:50,881
How to change the way someone
117
00:04:50,948 --> 00:04:52,078
thinks about themselves.
118
00:04:52,151 --> 00:04:53,751
Closest match--
119
00:04:53,821 --> 00:04:55,321
changing minds,
A satanic discovery
120
00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:58,260
on manipulation and how
to make soft-brained losers
121
00:04:58,329 --> 00:04:59,599
give you shit.
122
00:04:59,666 --> 00:05:01,966
Well, I guess that's
the closest I'll get.
123
00:05:09,018 --> 00:05:11,958
"735 BC, mercury phase."
124
00:05:12,024 --> 00:05:14,504
Rolling hard
at King Midas's
125
00:05:14,563 --> 00:05:16,533
when I come across
this golden toilet,
126
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:18,400
most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
127
00:05:18,469 --> 00:05:20,009
Fucker wouldn't give it to me.
128
00:05:20,073 --> 00:05:22,013
So I used a new
trick to convince him
129
00:05:22,077 --> 00:05:25,047
that everything
he touches is gold.
130
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,646
Ha, what a ding dong.
131
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,620
He's so busy thinking he's
turning things into gold,
132
00:05:28,691 --> 00:05:30,861
he gave me this
solid gold shitter.
133
00:05:30,928 --> 00:05:35,808
I think I'll call this new
trick Mind Mess-em-ups.
134
00:05:35,872 --> 00:05:37,782
Bingo.
135
00:05:40,447 --> 00:05:42,047
I guess I knew
this day was coming.
136
00:05:43,954 --> 00:05:45,424
Never show weakness.
137
00:05:45,490 --> 00:05:48,130
The only pain that matters
is the pain you inflict,
138
00:05:48,196 --> 00:05:50,396
Varsity Blues.
139
00:05:51,235 --> 00:05:53,905
Hey, Snakey, uh, I, uh...
140
00:05:55,443 --> 00:05:57,883
Shut up and fuck off.
141
00:06:02,157 --> 00:06:03,887
All right, I'll call her.
142
00:06:03,961 --> 00:06:05,501
OK, Chrissy, you got this.
Let's do it.
143
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:07,165
Let's save our best friend.
144
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,544
I'll get it.
145
00:06:08,604 --> 00:06:09,544
First, you want
to square your hips
146
00:06:09,606 --> 00:06:11,536
to establish dominance.
147
00:06:11,610 --> 00:06:13,580
Chrissy, to what do
I owe the pleasure?
148
00:06:13,647 --> 00:06:15,317
I got you the latest issue
of your favorite comic,
149
00:06:15,383 --> 00:06:18,763
The Roo-Stars, to remind
you that you're not alone.
150
00:06:18,824 --> 00:06:21,364
Chrissy, that's so
clucking nice of you.
151
00:06:21,429 --> 00:06:22,699
I do have one
more thing for you.
152
00:06:22,765 --> 00:06:24,835
Rapid burp
their name three times.
153
00:06:24,903 --> 00:06:26,873
Bennigan,
Bennigan, Bennigan.
154
00:06:26,940 --> 00:06:30,050
Then stare into their
eyes and yell with authority.
155
00:06:30,113 --> 00:06:31,823
Mind mess 'em ups!
156
00:06:31,883 --> 00:06:35,123
Next, recite mantra
that summarizes
157
00:06:35,190 --> 00:06:37,130
what you want them
to experience.
158
00:06:37,194 --> 00:06:39,704
For example, you will
see blades of grass
159
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,596
as little dicks.
160
00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:44,040
You will see the
beauty in everything.
161
00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:52,658
Oh, family sculpture time.
162
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:55,155
Now let's see
what Benny sees.
163
00:06:56,867 --> 00:06:58,167
Yes. Ha ha.
164
00:06:58,236 --> 00:07:02,336
In the mind of every artist,
there is a masterpiece.
165
00:07:04,348 --> 00:07:05,748
Ugh.
166
00:07:05,818 --> 00:07:07,488
I knew nothing good ever
comes from flossing.
167
00:07:07,555 --> 00:07:08,955
I'll give you
something to floss with.
168
00:07:09,024 --> 00:07:11,104
- I'm hanging up.
- Just wait, you shrill cow.
169
00:07:11,162 --> 00:07:12,302
It's important.
170
00:07:12,364 --> 00:07:13,804
Bark Woofalo is dying.
171
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,397
Wait, what?
He must have died years ago.
172
00:07:15,470 --> 00:07:16,870
What are you talking about?
- He didn't.
173
00:07:16,940 --> 00:07:18,580
His soul's been living in
the body of a hellhound
174
00:07:18,644 --> 00:07:20,084
for the past 13 years.
175
00:07:20,146 --> 00:07:22,946
Fucking God--
you body swapped our dog?
176
00:07:23,019 --> 00:07:24,789
I was in need
of companionship
177
00:07:24,856 --> 00:07:27,626
because some psycho bitch
kidnapped my newborn daughter.
178
00:07:27,695 --> 00:07:29,095
King of revisionist
history over here.
179
00:07:29,164 --> 00:07:30,204
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
180
00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:32,136
Anyway, hellhounds are eternal.
181
00:07:32,204 --> 00:07:33,844
But earthly dog souls aren't.
182
00:07:33,907 --> 00:07:36,907
They're too pure to live in
a corporeal body for too long,
183
00:07:36,980 --> 00:07:39,550
and it's time for
Woofalo to move on.
184
00:07:39,619 --> 00:07:42,089
But the dog won't
fucking die, OK?
185
00:07:42,157 --> 00:07:43,657
And I think--
186
00:07:43,727 --> 00:07:45,297
I think he's holding out
because he wants to see you.
187
00:07:45,363 --> 00:07:46,933
Oh, yeah, sure, sure, sure.
188
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,770
Yeah, our dog, in a
hellhound, wants to see me.
189
00:07:49,839 --> 00:07:51,939
See?
Here he is, OK?
190
00:07:52,010 --> 00:07:53,410
Oh, that could
be any hellhound.
191
00:07:53,479 --> 00:07:54,549
Look, I don't give a shit.
192
00:07:54,616 --> 00:07:55,916
I prefer you don't come anyway.
193
00:07:55,985 --> 00:07:57,185
Wait, hold on.
194
00:07:57,254 --> 00:07:59,634
Wait, you and Satan
had a dog together?
195
00:07:59,693 --> 00:08:01,533
That's a massive reveal.
196
00:08:01,596 --> 00:08:03,496
Bark Woofalo was a
puppy we found together.
197
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:06,107
We were high on reindeer urine.
We had just watched Zodiac,
198
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:07,712
and Mark Ruffalo
was so damn good in it--
199
00:08:07,775 --> 00:08:08,805
Doesn't matter--
this is a trap
200
00:08:08,877 --> 00:08:10,077
to lure me into and kill me.
201
00:08:10,146 --> 00:08:11,646
What if it's not?
202
00:08:11,717 --> 00:08:12,947
This could be your
chance to say goodbye
203
00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:14,419
to the puppy you left behind.
204
00:08:14,488 --> 00:08:15,758
What do you know, Erwin?
205
00:08:15,825 --> 00:08:17,225
I've seen you eat
a slice of tomato
206
00:08:17,294 --> 00:08:19,334
that fell onto the floor
of a Dollar Store bathroom.
207
00:08:19,398 --> 00:08:20,498
I guess some
people have never
208
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:21,738
heard of the five second rule.
209
00:08:21,803 --> 00:08:24,043
But all right,
you can kiss my ass.
210
00:08:32,424 --> 00:08:34,864
Good day, Santa, other Santa.
211
00:08:35,564 --> 00:08:39,004
Ooh, thank you, Santa.
212
00:08:39,071 --> 00:08:40,911
Tiny Santas.
213
00:08:54,334 --> 00:08:55,714
Oh, no.
214
00:09:01,115 --> 00:09:02,585
Do you think
that purging after eating
215
00:09:02,652 --> 00:09:04,522
two full trays of
crap-a-teria food
216
00:09:04,589 --> 00:09:05,859
is going to work, fat boy?
217
00:09:05,925 --> 00:09:07,185
Why don't
you shut the hell up?
218
00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:08,830
What is going on?
219
00:09:08,897 --> 00:09:10,937
I'll shut up when
you grow up, piggy.
220
00:09:11,001 --> 00:09:12,811
You know you'll never
look like your brother.
221
00:09:12,872 --> 00:09:14,342
Stop!
Why can't I cancel you?
222
00:09:14,408 --> 00:09:16,748
Well, you could put down the
fork every once in a while,
223
00:09:16,813 --> 00:09:18,383
Tubs, but we both
know you won't.
224
00:09:18,449 --> 00:09:20,149
So I'd say you'd
need a miracle.
225
00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:23,060
And I don't see Kurt Russell
acting as a coach
226
00:09:23,126 --> 00:09:25,796
to a group of hotheaded college
all-star hockey players,
227
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:27,535
so
you're stuck with me forever.
228
00:09:30,775 --> 00:09:33,005
I gotta be honest.
I didn't like that movie.
229
00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,879
Miracle?
Oh, I actually really liked it.
230
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:36,419
I'm a sucker for
Patricia Clarkson.
231
00:09:36,485 --> 00:09:39,085
Well, she's her
generation's Joan Fontaine.
232
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:45,869
All right, bitch,
it ends today.
233
00:09:47,508 --> 00:09:49,138
Huh. Guess this
wasn't a ruse.
234
00:09:49,211 --> 00:09:51,121
Who did I just kill?
235
00:09:51,182 --> 00:09:52,892
The veterinarian.
236
00:09:55,490 --> 00:09:56,690
Hey, boy.
237
00:09:58,162 --> 00:10:01,672
The last toy I gave him,
Mixologist Mike.
238
00:10:01,736 --> 00:10:03,406
OK, reunion's over.
Let's go.
239
00:10:03,473 --> 00:10:05,043
Go? Go where?
240
00:10:05,110 --> 00:10:08,350
The Isle of Wepwawet where
all dog souls come into being.
241
00:10:08,416 --> 00:10:10,746
And if they're on the beaches
of Wepwawet when they die,
242
00:10:10,821 --> 00:10:12,691
their soul particles
get recycled
243
00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:14,388
into new dog souls on Earth.
244
00:10:14,461 --> 00:10:15,901
Oh, you're into
recycling now,
245
00:10:15,965 --> 00:10:17,765
the guy who jacks off
to oil spills?
246
00:10:17,835 --> 00:10:19,465
Are you coming or not?
247
00:10:19,539 --> 00:10:21,179
There's always
a twist with you.
248
00:10:23,580 --> 00:10:25,680
What the hell did I do wrong?
249
00:10:25,751 --> 00:10:27,191
Bennigan, hey, hi.
250
00:10:27,254 --> 00:10:29,534
I was just studying hard
or hardly studying.
251
00:10:29,592 --> 00:10:30,932
Chrissy,
the other day I lied.
252
00:10:30,995 --> 00:10:32,795
Oh, about what?
You don't like the way
253
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:34,325
I roll my Rs
when I say "burrito"?
254
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,141
When I said
I was OK as the famed
255
00:10:36,205 --> 00:10:38,905
Pulitzer and Tony Award-winning
musical, I wasn't.
256
00:10:38,977 --> 00:10:41,277
My life right now feels like
a slapstick tragedy,
257
00:10:41,348 --> 00:10:43,248
a much lesser known
Broadway musical.
258
00:10:43,319 --> 00:10:44,489
I haven't heard of
any of these, so I--
259
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:45,656
I don't like the way I look.
260
00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:46,994
And sometimes
I make myself retch.
261
00:10:47,060 --> 00:10:48,460
And then I feel
worse about myself,
262
00:10:48,530 --> 00:10:50,370
and it's an unending spiral.
263
00:10:50,433 --> 00:10:51,903
You're the first person I told.
264
00:10:51,970 --> 00:10:53,770
I'm so sorry, Benny.
265
00:10:53,841 --> 00:10:55,111
You haven't told your family?
266
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:56,676
They're so sweet.
- No, they are.
267
00:10:56,746 --> 00:10:58,376
It's just-- it's hard
for them to accept
268
00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,719
that things aren't the ideal.
269
00:10:59,786 --> 00:11:01,286
You know what's weird?
270
00:11:01,355 --> 00:11:03,555
Everything in the world has
felt oddly beautiful lately.
271
00:11:03,627 --> 00:11:04,727
I assumed the chemical plant
272
00:11:04,796 --> 00:11:06,726
dumped waste
into the reservoir again,
273
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,570
but whatever toxins
we're drinking,
274
00:11:08,637 --> 00:11:10,437
it's only made me
feel worse about myself.
275
00:11:10,508 --> 00:11:12,178
I wish I could do
something to change that.
276
00:11:12,244 --> 00:11:13,814
Not unless you
can change the fact
277
00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:15,221
that my brother can cut
diamonds with his glutes
278
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:17,223
and I never will.
- Benny, that's not true.
279
00:11:17,287 --> 00:11:18,917
When I look at you,
I see a really awesome--
280
00:11:18,991 --> 00:11:20,931
Nah, nah, don't
worry about it.
281
00:11:25,538 --> 00:11:27,368
So you come here often?
282
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,610
Announcement, everybody--
283
00:11:28,677 --> 00:11:30,607
this impotent old man
is accosting me.
284
00:11:30,681 --> 00:11:33,391
All right, all right, don't
come to me the next time
285
00:11:33,452 --> 00:11:34,922
you need a jar opened.
286
00:11:34,989 --> 00:11:36,629
Next stop,
Isle of Wepwawet.
287
00:11:36,693 --> 00:11:38,363
Isle of Wepwawet
next stop.
288
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:46,250
Look, when pugs fly.
289
00:11:54,963 --> 00:11:57,333
Reminds me of when we
took Bark apple picking.
290
00:11:57,400 --> 00:11:58,800
That was the first time
we beat the shit out
291
00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:00,110
of somebody together.
292
00:12:00,173 --> 00:12:01,543
The guy tried to
steal that autumn crisp
293
00:12:01,610 --> 00:12:02,680
right out of my basket.
294
00:12:02,745 --> 00:12:04,175
So you busted his lip.
295
00:12:04,248 --> 00:12:05,848
And then you broke his ribs.
296
00:12:05,918 --> 00:12:07,888
- Didn't you also key his car?
- Oh, yeah.
297
00:12:07,955 --> 00:12:09,455
[chuckles] Fuck him.
298
00:12:11,328 --> 00:12:13,628
You realize how unfair
this is, don't you,
299
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,740
making me relive the trauma of
losing my dog all over again?
300
00:12:16,806 --> 00:12:17,836
Lose?
You didn't lose him.
301
00:12:17,909 --> 00:12:19,179
You abandoned him.
302
00:12:19,244 --> 00:12:21,584
Oh, the absentee father
is going to lecture me
303
00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:22,920
about abandonment--
that's rich.
304
00:12:22,985 --> 00:12:24,955
My daughter
was stolen from me.
305
00:12:25,023 --> 00:12:26,163
You know, what is
the real reason
306
00:12:26,225 --> 00:12:29,055
you needed me to come with you?
307
00:12:29,131 --> 00:12:31,041
Oh, shit, you didn't
have the guts to watch
308
00:12:31,101 --> 00:12:32,611
Bark Woofalo die alone.
309
00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:34,472
Oh, this coming
from a woman who
310
00:12:34,542 --> 00:12:37,952
spent her entire life literally
running from her emotions.
311
00:12:38,015 --> 00:12:39,615
Says the guy who had
his tear ducts removed
312
00:12:39,686 --> 00:12:41,086
because he
was terrified of crying.
313
00:12:41,155 --> 00:12:43,225
You got a real
holier-than-thou attitude
314
00:12:43,292 --> 00:12:45,902
for a shitty mom
who's only screwed up her kid.
315
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,365
Oh, fuck you.
316
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,204
Fuck you right back.
317
00:12:55,818 --> 00:12:57,248
Why didn't that work?
318
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,320
Caveat on this
reality warping--
319
00:12:59,391 --> 00:13:00,891
if their shit
is already warped,
320
00:13:00,961 --> 00:13:02,571
you could make it worse.
321
00:13:02,632 --> 00:13:03,972
Now you tell me.
322
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,844
OK, there has to be
a way around this.
323
00:13:05,904 --> 00:13:08,014
Let's find him a miracle.
324
00:13:08,075 --> 00:13:10,545
"Some
banging broad name Charybdis--"
325
00:13:10,614 --> 00:13:12,384
--was looking
to get stronger,
326
00:13:12,450 --> 00:13:15,160
to help her daddy Poseidon in
a war against her uncle Zeus.
327
00:13:15,223 --> 00:13:18,403
Who am I not to intervene
in some domestic disputes,
328
00:13:18,462 --> 00:13:20,532
especially with two
dipshits I've been wanting
329
00:13:20,601 --> 00:13:22,041
to take out for centuries?
330
00:13:22,103 --> 00:13:24,813
I worked my magic to
discover a way to change
331
00:13:24,876 --> 00:13:26,576
the form of things around me.
332
00:13:26,646 --> 00:13:30,546
Now I can level her shit up
so she'll destroy Zeus for me.
333
00:13:30,621 --> 00:13:33,461
I call it
Matter Move Aroundsy.
334
00:13:33,527 --> 00:13:35,657
Ain't nothing bad
happening from this.
335
00:13:35,731 --> 00:13:37,571
Oh, hell, yeah.
336
00:13:37,635 --> 00:13:39,805
You may be an unreliable
support system in my life,
337
00:13:39,872 --> 00:13:41,982
but damn,
these powers are useful.
338
00:13:43,012 --> 00:13:44,252
I'll get it.
339
00:13:44,314 --> 00:13:46,254
Oh, hey, Chrissy.
340
00:13:46,318 --> 00:13:48,118
Bennigan,
Bennigan, Bennigan.
341
00:13:48,189 --> 00:13:50,559
Matter Move Aroundsy!
342
00:13:51,328 --> 00:13:54,168
Oh, arms,
oh, yeah, that's a delt.
343
00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:55,374
Six-pack!
344
00:13:57,641 --> 00:13:59,181
Yeah, buns of steel.
345
00:13:59,244 --> 00:14:02,454
Oh, ho, ho, ho!
346
00:14:02,518 --> 00:14:04,858
All right,
let's try this again.
347
00:14:06,025 --> 00:14:07,385
I'll get it.
348
00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:10,000
Oh, hey, Chrissy!
Wow, I just got hit
349
00:14:10,066 --> 00:14:11,296
with some hardcore deja vu.
350
00:14:11,368 --> 00:14:13,068
Hey, you been
working out recently?
351
00:14:13,139 --> 00:14:15,009
Whoa, I've never noticed
that muscle before.
352
00:14:15,076 --> 00:14:16,346
How about around
of mini golf?
353
00:14:16,412 --> 00:14:18,452
- Putter late than never.
- Ha!
354
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,143
- Barky Woof.
355
00:14:29,539 --> 00:14:33,009
Oh, shit, he's headed
toward Bad Pussy Falls.
356
00:14:33,079 --> 00:14:34,309
This is all your fault.
357
00:14:34,381 --> 00:14:36,451
I'm not doing this
with you right now, OK?
358
00:14:36,519 --> 00:14:37,659
We have to save Bark.
359
00:14:41,796 --> 00:14:43,126
Wait, you're the
stronger climber.
360
00:14:43,199 --> 00:14:44,699
I'm the stronger swimmer.
361
00:14:44,769 --> 00:14:45,739
I'll get Bark Woofalo.
362
00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:47,014
You throw me a tree vine.
363
00:14:47,073 --> 00:14:49,183
That's weirdly rational.
364
00:14:49,244 --> 00:14:51,784
Don't tell me you're
post-menopausal already.
365
00:15:03,673 --> 00:15:05,883
Hold on, Woofie!
366
00:15:11,523 --> 00:15:13,733
- Wanna wrestle again?
- Shut up.
367
00:15:15,229 --> 00:15:17,129
Welcome to
Spike's Family Fun Zone.
368
00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:18,670
For your safety,
you may be randomly
369
00:15:18,737 --> 00:15:20,137
selected for a cavity search.
370
00:15:20,206 --> 00:15:22,376
Whoa, the security's
insane in this place.
371
00:15:22,444 --> 00:15:24,524
Spike, the owner,
is ex-military.
372
00:15:24,582 --> 00:15:26,082
When a bunch of
raccoons on mescaline
373
00:15:26,151 --> 00:15:27,491
destroyed this place
five years ago,
374
00:15:27,555 --> 00:15:29,925
he swore on his fallen
soldiers he would
375
00:15:29,992 --> 00:15:32,002
never let it happen again.
376
00:15:32,063 --> 00:15:34,033
I have five
follow-up questions.
377
00:15:34,100 --> 00:15:36,040
♪ Sports, hey, hey ♪
378
00:15:36,105 --> 00:15:37,435
♪ Let's play some sports ♪
379
00:15:37,508 --> 00:15:38,878
- Yeah!
- ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
380
00:15:38,944 --> 00:15:40,484
Yah!
381
00:15:40,547 --> 00:15:42,687
♪ Sports, hey, hey ♪
382
00:15:42,751 --> 00:15:44,051
♪ Let's play some sports ♪
383
00:15:44,121 --> 00:15:45,721
I gotcha, I gotcha!
Yah!
384
00:15:45,791 --> 00:15:47,261
Yeah!
385
00:15:47,327 --> 00:15:49,997
♪ Let your hair down
and play some ♪
386
00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:51,736
♪ Today ♪
387
00:15:58,048 --> 00:16:00,188
Why don't you
just give up, plumpy dumper?
388
00:16:00,253 --> 00:16:01,823
You should do the
world a favor and choke
389
00:16:01,890 --> 00:16:04,960
to death on chicken nuggies
like the scrubby fuck you are.
390
00:16:05,029 --> 00:16:05,999
Stop, just stop.
391
00:16:06,064 --> 00:16:07,074
You're being a dick.
392
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,443
I'm not just a dick.
393
00:16:08,503 --> 00:16:10,843
I am a sick, unlovable
blob just like you.
394
00:16:26,706 --> 00:16:28,076
Is this really happening?
395
00:16:28,142 --> 00:16:29,952
Uh, yeah, yeah.
396
00:16:30,012 --> 00:16:32,422
Our body is eating
everything in sight.
397
00:16:34,487 --> 00:16:35,417
Kobe.
398
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,772
Oh, crap.
399
00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,344
Much to my
chagrin, her body
400
00:16:42,403 --> 00:16:44,373
couldn't sustain
demonic aura, and she
401
00:16:44,441 --> 00:16:47,281
kind of became a huge
vacuum butthole with teeth.
402
00:16:47,347 --> 00:16:49,247
Pretty fucking wacky.
403
00:16:49,317 --> 00:16:51,417
Dang it, I really got to
read to the end of these.
404
00:16:53,292 --> 00:16:56,502
Hey, buddy, I know
it seems like people
405
00:16:56,566 --> 00:16:58,536
are running away from you
like you're a monster,
406
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,713
but they're not.
You're great.
407
00:17:00,774 --> 00:17:02,014
You're a--
- Monster!
408
00:17:07,888 --> 00:17:09,218
My life's work!
409
00:17:09,291 --> 00:17:11,631
OK, I can fix this.
410
00:17:11,696 --> 00:17:13,426
Focus, Chrissy, focus.
411
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,099
No, stop.
412
00:17:15,169 --> 00:17:17,239
I'm so sorry, Bennigan.
This is my fault.
413
00:17:17,307 --> 00:17:18,677
You do this to me?
414
00:17:18,743 --> 00:17:21,113
I just wanted to help fix
the way you saw yourself.
415
00:17:21,181 --> 00:17:23,021
Fix me?
Fix me?
416
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,315
Because you think
I'm disgusting too?
417
00:17:25,389 --> 00:17:27,059
No, no.
That's not it.
418
00:17:29,331 --> 00:17:31,601
Another head? The monster's
got a double head now.
419
00:17:31,669 --> 00:17:33,409
You can all see it too?
420
00:17:33,472 --> 00:17:35,512
I don't blame
them for screaming.
421
00:17:35,577 --> 00:17:37,817
You were already
terrifying and hideous.
422
00:17:37,881 --> 00:17:39,591
And now look at you.
423
00:17:44,094 --> 00:17:45,704
Unleash hell.
424
00:17:49,204 --> 00:17:50,874
Pyramids of Giza,
425
00:17:50,941 --> 00:17:53,581
Christ the Redeemer.
426
00:17:55,249 --> 00:17:57,249
Fire!
Hit him with a fastball.
427
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,590
Bennigan, stop,
or they'll kill you.
428
00:17:59,659 --> 00:18:00,829
How is this legal?
429
00:18:04,902 --> 00:18:07,912
Thanks for saving our dog
and acknowledging that I'm
430
00:18:07,975 --> 00:18:09,675
actually good at something.
431
00:18:09,745 --> 00:18:11,675
You're... welcome.
432
00:18:11,749 --> 00:18:13,819
And I think we need to
chill on trying to kill
433
00:18:13,887 --> 00:18:15,187
each other every time we meet.
434
00:18:15,256 --> 00:18:17,326
It puts the things
we love in danger.
435
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,701
I think it's time.
436
00:18:33,292 --> 00:18:34,562
Goodbye, buddy.
437
00:18:34,629 --> 00:18:37,299
I'm going to see you on
the face of every puppy.
438
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,637
I know a piece of your soul
will be in all of them.
439
00:18:39,705 --> 00:18:43,405
I think some puppy pom
got in my eye or something.
440
00:19:41,662 --> 00:19:42,832
Nope.
441
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:45,439
Stop hurting him.
Please listen to me.
442
00:19:45,504 --> 00:19:48,544
This is all my fault. He's
only this way because of me.
443
00:19:48,610 --> 00:19:51,210
I rebuilt once.
I won't do it again.
444
00:19:51,281 --> 00:19:53,191
Let's end this.
- OK, I can do something.
445
00:19:53,252 --> 00:19:54,662
What can I do?
What can I do?
446
00:19:54,722 --> 00:19:56,592
The only way
to stop the corruption
447
00:19:56,659 --> 00:19:59,499
is for another subject to
absorb the matter themselves.
448
00:19:59,565 --> 00:20:01,495
That's a no for me, dog.
449
00:20:01,569 --> 00:20:03,709
Chrissy,
Chrissy, Chrissy.
450
00:20:03,773 --> 00:20:06,853
Absorb-sy warbsy!
451
00:20:09,919 --> 00:20:16,299
You haven't seen
the last of me.
452
00:20:17,366 --> 00:20:19,296
OK, call off
the scud missiles.
453
00:20:21,208 --> 00:20:23,008
Don't look at me.
454
00:20:23,078 --> 00:20:25,618
Bennigan, wait.
455
00:20:25,684 --> 00:20:27,294
I told you, honey,
mini golf's for freaks.
456
00:20:30,761 --> 00:20:32,001
Then she tried to make
a move on me at the lake.
457
00:20:32,063 --> 00:20:33,403
It was pathetic.
458
00:20:33,465 --> 00:20:34,895
You should have seen it, Snakey.
459
00:20:36,037 --> 00:20:38,437
Please help me.
460
00:20:38,510 --> 00:20:40,350
Is that Bill the Behemoth?
461
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:41,553
If so, I definitely don't
know where your
462
00:20:41,616 --> 00:20:44,186
Nymphs Gone Wild DVDs went.
463
00:20:44,254 --> 00:20:46,534
Matter Move Aroundsy.
464
00:20:46,592 --> 00:20:49,432
Oh, ha ha, shit, Chrissy?
465
00:20:49,497 --> 00:20:51,197
You got deep into my journals.
466
00:20:51,268 --> 00:20:52,498
Fun stuff, huh?
467
00:20:52,571 --> 00:20:54,341
Can you please--
468
00:20:54,407 --> 00:20:56,777
Yeah, chill.
I got you.
469
00:20:56,846 --> 00:20:58,076
Thank you very much.
470
00:20:58,148 --> 00:21:00,518
Oh yeah, Bill exploded.
471
00:21:00,587 --> 00:21:01,887
I keep forgetting.
472
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:03,926
Snakey, fire up them DVDs.
473
00:21:08,168 --> 00:21:09,908
- Hey.
- Hey.
474
00:21:09,972 --> 00:21:12,852
I know you probably don't
want to talk to me right now,
475
00:21:12,911 --> 00:21:14,281
but, um--
476
00:21:14,347 --> 00:21:15,617
oh, ha.
477
00:21:15,684 --> 00:21:17,054
Um, I was hoping
you'd stop me there.
478
00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,920
It seems like you want
to tell me something,
479
00:21:18,990 --> 00:21:20,290
so I'm listening.
480
00:21:20,359 --> 00:21:21,499
I-- I shouldn't
have inserted myself
481
00:21:21,562 --> 00:21:22,832
into your life like that.
482
00:21:22,898 --> 00:21:24,698
I violated your body
and your trust
483
00:21:24,768 --> 00:21:27,568
by trying to change things,
and I'm so sorry.
484
00:21:27,641 --> 00:21:32,851
But, hey, on the bright side,
it all worked out, kinda.
485
00:21:32,918 --> 00:21:35,458
So are we cool?
486
00:21:35,524 --> 00:21:37,364
Chrissy,
you're my best friend.
487
00:21:37,426 --> 00:21:40,426
But after I told you my secret
at school, you didn't stop.
488
00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:42,769
Now everyone knows my private--
489
00:21:42,838 --> 00:21:43,808
never mind.
490
00:21:43,873 --> 00:21:46,313
I know,
and I feel so awful.
491
00:21:46,378 --> 00:21:49,418
But maybe my dad
could help me fix it.
492
00:21:49,484 --> 00:21:51,994
I finished our project,
by the way.
493
00:21:52,056 --> 00:21:54,456
Have a good night, Chrissy.
494
00:21:54,528 --> 00:21:57,498
52 calls out year after
year to no response.
495
00:21:57,568 --> 00:21:59,068
There's no reason
he would do that
496
00:21:59,137 --> 00:22:01,537
unless no other whales
could understand him.
497
00:22:01,609 --> 00:22:02,879
He really must be
498
00:22:02,945 --> 00:22:04,615
the loneliest animal
on the planet.
499
00:22:56,351 --> 00:22:58,321
Excuse me,
I'm looking for
500
00:22:58,388 --> 00:23:01,798
a 1/8th diameter
spear tip drill bit,
501
00:23:01,862 --> 00:23:03,502
and I can't seem to find it.
502
00:23:03,566 --> 00:23:04,936
Cheaper brand's fine too.
503
00:23:05,002 --> 00:23:07,012
My budget's a little
low these days.
504
00:23:07,073 --> 00:23:09,413
I had money stored up
for emergencies
505
00:23:09,477 --> 00:23:11,207
and was given a severance
pay from the Pope,
506
00:23:11,281 --> 00:23:14,251
so most of my funds are going
towards this sort of stuff.
507
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:15,690
I'm OK, though.
508
00:23:15,757 --> 00:23:17,287
I'm not telling you that
to make you feel better.
509
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:20,530
It's just an instinctive
reaction when I see someone
510
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,140
confused or pitying me.
511
00:23:22,203 --> 00:23:24,743
I'm now heavily medicated
to maintain the pain
512
00:23:24,808 --> 00:23:26,578
of the loss of my dick.
513
00:23:26,646 --> 00:23:28,646
And even though it's affecting
the filters in my brain,
514
00:23:28,716 --> 00:23:31,916
like oversharing, I can
still pick up on social cues.
515
00:23:31,989 --> 00:23:35,199
But yeah, I'm making a laser
to kill a little girl.
516
00:23:35,797 --> 00:23:37,167
The drill bits
are behind you.
517
00:23:37,233 --> 00:23:38,803
Ah! What do you know?
518
00:23:38,870 --> 00:23:41,440
This is perfect.
35945
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