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♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians
Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians
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♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights
Dingy castles, daring knights
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00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,080
♪ Horrors that defy description
Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians
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00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,560
♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes
Punishment from ancient times
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00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:13,880
♪ Roman rotten, rank and ruthless
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00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:15,440
♪ Caveman savage, fierce
and toothless
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♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages
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♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages
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♪ Gory stories, we do that
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♪ And your host, a talking rat
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♪ The past is no longer a mystery
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00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:32,000
♪ Welcome to... Horrible Histories! ♪
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Horrible Histories presents...
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Ho, ho, ho!
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Oh! Agh! Eugh!
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Merry Christmas! Santa Claus here.
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Oopsy!
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Now, when it comes to Christmas,
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00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,120
all you good little boys and girls
know
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00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,600
that I am awesome.
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I mean, I totally SLEIGH! Ha-ha!
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There's SNOW-one better than me!
Ha-ha!
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00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,480
Oh, sorry, I've been reading
too many cracker jokes again.
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00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,800
But, seriously,
I'm an absolute ledge.
25
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:12,680
But I'm not the only legendary
Christmas hero that's ever been.
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Er, now, how do I get out of this?
27
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Um... Ohhh!
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Oh! Um-um-da!
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Oh! Wat-dat-nowd!
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Huh! Ohh!
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Right, time for bed then, Sam.
It's Christmas Day tomorrow.
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So, you need to get a good night's
sleep. No. Why can't I stay up late?
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Child staying up late at Christmas?
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Someone call Santa Claus and tell
him we've got a naughty one.
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Oh!
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It's Christmas Eve. Santa's busy.
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Presenting the ultimate historical
Christmas team...
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Sorry. Who are you?
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I'm Captain Christmas.
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In the Tudor age,
I was known as the Lord of Misrule.
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I was a bit of a prankster.
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When Captain Christmas was near,
Tudor people would cheer.
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And I haven't come alone.
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Argh! Oh! I'm Belznickel
from northern Europe
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and some parts of North America.
Huh?
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Belznickel, a fur-clad figure
of festive fun.
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I bring nuts and sweets
for ze good kids
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and a whip for ze bad ones.
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Really? A whip?
50
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,400
I'm Tante Arie from 15th century
France and Switzerland.
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00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:28,120
Tante Arie, who people believed had
iron teeth and the feet of a goose.
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I punish children with donkey's ears
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and I beat them with sticks
soaked in vinegar.
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Guys, can we dial down
the whole beating thing, please?
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I'm John Canoe,
inspired by a Ghanaian chief,
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and I don't beat anybody.
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You see? It's not necessary.
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I do force my way
into people's homes
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and dance until they give me money.
Give me money!
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Give me the money.
Stop doing that. I want it.
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Unbelievable. I want the money.
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John Canoe,
he pesters you with dancing
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until you pay him to go away.
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00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,120
And you're absolutely sure
Santa Claus isn't available?
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What is it with Santa?
He's not that good.
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He's not the only Christmas spirit
that ever existed.
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00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,440
And introducing Krampus!
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00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,680
Rarrgh!
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00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,200
The legend from central Europe
who hurts wicked children.
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Hurting children? Guys, we need to
talk about the whole violence thing
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because at the moment, as a team,
we're all stick and no carrot.
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Sorry about your ceiling.
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And finally, from Finland,
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the god of the harvest, Joulupukki!
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BLEATING
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Part goat and part...goat,
he's all goat!
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BLEATS
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Nice of you to join us, Joulupukki.
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BLEATS
Language!
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There are children present.
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Right, strike a pose.
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When Christmas is threatened
and Santa is busy,
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call The Other Spirits of Christmas!
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BLEATS
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00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,560
I said language!
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Or maybe don't.
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Hello there. I'm just back
from my RAT-ivity play rehearsals.
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00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,520
As you can see,
I'm the donkey...again!
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00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,080
I auditioned to be Ickle Baby Jesus,
90
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,520
but, well, let's just say
91
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,120
they didn't like
what I brought to the role.
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00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,400
Honestly, it's a stable!
93
00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,280
It's not going to smell of roses!
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00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,320
FARTS
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Anyway, did you know the Nativity
scene was a Christmas tradition
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00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,200
only introduced in the Middle Ages
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00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,400
by a monk
called St Francis of Assisi?
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00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:20,920
BLEATING
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00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,440
Whoever's playing that goat
is doing a very good job.
100
00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,400
LOUD FARTING
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00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,640
Christmas log. Bonus!
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00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,440
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
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00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,080
BELLS RINGING
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00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,080
Thank you, Lord, for the peace
you have given us here
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in the Order of the Friars Minor.
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00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,160
Come back here, you brute!
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00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:43,840
Lord, the peaceful tranquillity
of our humble home
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00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,440
is perfect for...
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00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,440
DONKEY BRAYS
Ow!
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Get off!
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00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,400
Will you let go of my...
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00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,360
The tranquillity is perfect
for quiet reflection
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00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,600
and the dedicated study of...
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00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,560
Aaagh! Oh!
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Ow! Oh!
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00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,520
Right! Ohhh...
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00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,480
Brother Francis, may I have a word?
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Of course, Brother Peter.
How can I be of service?
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00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,080
It's about the Christmas display
thingamajig
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you created in the chapel
in the cave.
121
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,360
Ah! The live action Nativity scene,
122
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,080
first of its kind?
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00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,760
It's a way for us to experience
the Nativity story
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in a way that makes it appear real.
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00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,160
Well, it certainly feels real.
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00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,440
You have to admit
using actual animals
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to surround the babe of Bethlehem
in his manger was inspired.
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Yes, you know
there aren't any animals
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actually mentioned
in the original story?
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00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:41,000
He was in a manger where
animals eat. It's not a big stretch.
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Plus, I really like animals.
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OK, look, we all loved
your Nativity scene, Francis, but...
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Whoa-oa-oa!
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Grrrr!
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Brother Francis,
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00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,680
could we please give
the animals back to the villagers?
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Because at the moment,
we have a courtyard full of...
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Aaaaagh!
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MOOING
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00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,520
It's OK, the ox broke my fall!
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00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,600
Ah, divine intervention!
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00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,120
Just another gift
from my new Nativity scene...
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00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,600
Ohh!
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00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,160
It's OK. The, uh...
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00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,520
oh, big pile of poo broke my fall!
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00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,840
This way, Your Majesty. Everything's
prepared for Queen Charlotte.
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Merry Christmas, George.
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00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,960
Mein royal family, I have
a very special surprise for you all.
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00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,880
Is Daddy abdicating? At ease.
You're not George IV yet.
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00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,960
This way!
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Ho, ho, ho, ho!
A new Christmas tradition.
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SCREAMING
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00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,520
Why is there a tree
in the middle of the parlour?
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Because I put it there, George.
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00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:51,120
Ooh! Is it a fancy cake
that just looks like a tree?
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No, real tree.
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00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,760
This is a German
Christmas tradition.
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They say it was started by the
founder of Protestantism himself,
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Martin Luther.
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00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,960
The children find it
most enchanting.
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00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,920
There it is, kill it!
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00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,360
No!
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00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,840
SHOUTING
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00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,800
George, please!
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Stop it! Your King commands you!
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00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,240
Thank you, George. It's just a tree.
167
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Frisk it for squirrels.
168
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,480
Oh...
SHOUTING
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00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,000
No, don't, don't!
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No, this is just a lovely...
weird tradition
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from my wife's native Germany.
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And we should respect it
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and not frisk it for squirrels.
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00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,120
Unless that's sort of what
you wanted.
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00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,320
Nein! No, no, just...
just a weird tree.
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The tradition is that we decorate
the tree
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and sing Christmas carols around it
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00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,840
und give gifts!
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00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,280
It's exactly like the yew bough
I bring in
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00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,840
and decorate every year,
just bigger!
181
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,040
So it's like the Christmas stick?
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00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,480
I love the Christmas stick. Exactly!
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00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,680
It's wonderful. Oh! And I know
exactly what we should call it.
184
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,920
Ja? It's Christmas... Mm-hm?
..and it's a tree.
185
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,520
So, we should call it...
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00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,520
the big Christmas stick!
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00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,960
The first big Christmas stick
in Britain.
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00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,000
We may have to work on the name.
189
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,640
Not everyone is a fan of Christmas
traditions or even of Christmas.
190
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,040
In fact, in 1647,
191
00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,040
we Puritans actually banned
Christmas in England altogether.
192
00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,800
And celebrating it
was a punishable offence.
193
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,680
We even changed the word Christmas
to Foolstide.
194
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,600
So, not merry Foolstide to you!
Thrrp!
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00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,040
All your favourite Christmas carols
adapted,
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00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,920
so as not to cause offence to 17th
century Puritans around the world.
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00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,200
Sing along to great songs
like The First Noel.
198
00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,560
Now That's What I Call A Puritan
Christmas has been re-branded
199
00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,800
because some Puritans find
the word Christmas offensive!
200
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,200
Now That's What I Call
A Puritan Foolstide
201
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,720
is the perfect album
to not celebrate Christmas with.
202
00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,240
Don't listen to it today!
203
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:04,680
One of my favourite things
about Christmas is the presents,
204
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:09,640
unless that present is an album of
bad songs about banning Christmas.
205
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,760
My fault for being
on Santa's naughty list, I guess.
206
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,000
You don't always get the gift
you'd like.
207
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,360
Oh, wait, Anne of Cleves isn't here.
208
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,280
You haven't invited
all the ex-wives, have you?
209
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,880
She's the only one left.
All our mums are dead.
210
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,320
Three different mothers, all dead.
211
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,560
You'd think I'd remember.
212
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,720
Cooee!
Oh, joy, Anne of Cleves is here.
213
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,200
Sorry. I was praying again.
214
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,320
Right, ready.
215
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,480
ALL:
Happy Christmas from the Tudors!
216
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,840
It's Christmas and no-one's given me
a present yet.
217
00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,560
I wonder if Captain Christmas
has hidden them?
218
00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:10,640
He loves Christmas so much,
we all have to buy him one.
219
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,680
Even the courtiers.
220
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,160
Shall we do presents? Presents!
221
00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,840
Well, if no-one's got
anything better to do.
222
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,960
I'll go first because I got
you guys the best presents.
223
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,760
Is it France? No, it's too small.
224
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,120
It's not Wales, is it?
Cos I've already got one.
225
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,240
Oh, you've translated a book
226
00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,120
of French and Latin prayers
into English.
227
00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,440
It's wonderful!
228
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,480
I embroidered it
with both of your initials.
229
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:38,880
Uh-huh...
230
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,400
Seriously, what did you get me?
231
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,560
It's cos I know
how much you love religion, Daddy.
232
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,080
You literally started
your own church.
233
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:50,240
Only so he could divorce my mum
who died of a broken heart.
234
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,160
Why would you bring that up
at Christmas?
235
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,880
I'm quite aware that it's Christmas!
236
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,280
MOCKING SOUNDS
237
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,800
Girls!
238
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,560
It's present time. Read the room.
239
00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,480
Daddy, I got you another present.
240
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,880
I knew you weren't just going
to give me
241
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,760
that silly, sort of boring
little book...
242
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,040
Oh, it's the same one.
I made you one each.
243
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,520
It's, er...very nice.
244
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,960
Rue the gift!
245
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,600
Ask me what I want for Christmas.
OK, what do you want?
246
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,440
Well, we all know
how generous you are.
247
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,840
I spent a whole year's tax revenue
for Christmas once.
248
00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:31,800
Well, I thought a wonderful gift
might be
249
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,720
to recognise me
as heir to the throne.
250
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,920
Oh...
251
00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,560
Unbelievable.
252
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,160
ARGUING
253
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,080
She's not even a boy.
254
00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,920
King Elizabeth?
255
00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,440
Sounds rubbish.
256
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,760
Honestly, I'm just happy
to still be alive.
257
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,040
Families, eh?
258
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,320
ARGUING
259
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,480
Can't live with them,
260
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,160
but can execute them.
261
00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,400
CLATTER
262
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,800
Good times.
263
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,200
Merry Christmas, everyone!
264
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,760
I sentence you to be executed
265
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,080
like all traitors
to the French Revolution
266
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:14,280
by having your head sliced off
by the guillotine's blade!
267
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,720
Au revoir...
268
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,920
Monsieur Carotte!
269
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,960
Are you looking for a toy
this Christmas
270
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,720
which combines fun
with extreme danger?
271
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,560
Yeah!
272
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,920
The mini-guillotine is a toy
273
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,640
that's slicing its way
through late 18th century Europe.
274
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,720
The mini-guillotine chops everything
from carrots to dolls to mice
275
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:33,800
to parents' fingers!
276
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,720
Wait! Pardon, monsieur?
277
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,360
The mini-guillotine from France
is the must-have toy
278
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,920
from Christmas time 1793.
279
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,800
But don't take my word for it.
280
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,080
Here is the mother of famous German
writer, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.
281
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,720
The toy-maker who made this
should be slapped in the stocks!
282
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,520
Don't listen to her. She's no fun.
283
00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,520
Buy the new mini-guillotine!
284
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,920
Oh, sacre bleu!
285
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,360
The perfect 18th century
Christmas toy...
286
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,160
Long before Christmas
was celebrated in December,
287
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,840
ancient civilisations would gather
in the winter to rejoice.
288
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,960
We Romans called
our winter festival Saturnalia.
289
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,920
We even gave each other presents
that we put a lot of effort into.
290
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,480
A lot of effort
into making them terrible!
291
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,280
You see, the key to giving
a good Saturnalia gift
292
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:21,800
was to give a bad one.
293
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,480
Then I was like, "He's never going
to make Centurion!"
294
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,360
Right, seeing as Duberus
is here visiting from Gaul,
295
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,640
he should have the first gift, so...
296
00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,200
Io Saturnalia!
297
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,000
This is so exciting.
298
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,560
I love presents!
299
00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,400
It's a rotting sheep's head.
300
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,000
It's the perfect Saturnalia gift.
301
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,400
What am I supposed to do with this?
Oh, nothing.
302
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,080
It's a gag gift.
303
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:51,760
It's an old Roman tradition to give
terrible presents on Saturnalia.
304
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,360
Sorry, just to be clear,
305
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,400
on Saturnalia,
we give the people we love
306
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,880
just the most terrible gifts?
307
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,440
Oh, no, not me. I actually got
Lucian some money.
308
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,040
Ah! Oh, OK.
309
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,160
Thanks, Quincus.
310
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,120
Wait a minute!
311
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,840
These are... Foreign coins,
completely useless!
312
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,560
Oh, brilliant!
What a terrible present!
313
00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,320
It's got no value!
314
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,000
Right, my turn.
315
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,240
Yeah, this is from me.
316
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,000
Ohh! Ohh!
317
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,520
A toga? I don't get it.
318
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,720
I heard you say you wanted one,
so I thought... You shouldn't have.
319
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,400
You're welcome.
No, you really shouldn't have.
320
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,160
Yeah, I mean, Saturnalia
really isn't about being thoughtful.
321
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,200
Next time,
be a little less considerate, OK?
322
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,880
Sorry, I will get the hang of it.
I promise.
323
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,560
Io Saturnalia!
324
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,640
Great gag dress, Metalla.
325
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,680
Who got you that?
You look ridiculous!
326
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,240
GASPS
Oh, no.
327
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,080
This is my favourite dress.
328
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,280
You look great.
329
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,240
I'll get me cloak.
330
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,880
Who invited him?
331
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,880
And now on HH TV,
332
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,160
we join Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth
333
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,320
for her annual Christmas message.
334
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,600
How lucky we all are
335
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,160
to have such a wise, intelligent
and beautiful monarch!
336
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,040
Did she write this herself again?
337
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,920
Greetings at this festive time.
338
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,600
I think this might have been
my best year yet.
339
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,320
I've absolutely smashed it.
340
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,280
On a personal note,
I have been getting on a lot better
341
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,680
with my cousin in Scotland, Mary.
342
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,320
That may have been
because I had her executed last year
343
00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,920
for plotting against me.
344
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:40,600
This year has also been a time
for national success.
345
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,160
I defeated the might
of the Spanish Armada
346
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,960
with a little bit of help
from Sir Francis Drake and his lads.
347
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,680
And with... And our Dutch allies.
348
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,080
But still, well done, me!
349
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,840
In your face, Philip of Spain!
Second place again!
350
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,920
Is that why they call you
Philip the Second?
351
00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,360
Consider yourself dissed. Pow!
352
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,600
Body of a woman, heart of a lion,
put-downs of a docker.
353
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,880
There has also been some sadness
this year.
354
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,720
The tragic loss of dear friends
355
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,040
like Robert Dudley,
Earl of Leicester,
356
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,280
could have weighed heavy on my heart
357
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,040
if I had been in any way
romantically involved with him,
358
00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,800
which I wasn't,
359
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,720
despite what everyone says!
360
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:23,040
Christmas is a time
for everyone to come together
361
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,800
and put aside differences
of opinion and religion
362
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,800
and all agree with me!
363
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,080
After all, I am the Queen.
364
00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,720
So I wish you all
a very happy Christmas.
365
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,280
Right...
366
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,160
On with the portrait.
I'd better look fit!
367
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,680
And then after we had eaten
the calf's head with carrot sauce,
368
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,800
we had salmon with hollandaise
369
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,560
and sole Colbert,
370
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,680
then pureed pheasant with truffles.
371
00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,720
And that, my darling Albert,
372
00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,680
really set us up
for the first of our main courses.
373
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,600
Now, while she's in a good mood...
374
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,800
What are you two whispering about?
375
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,480
Oh, is it another present? Give!
376
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,440
It is not another present.
377
00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,800
I didn't want one anyway. Excessive.
378
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,920
Oh, funny you should say that, Mama.
379
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,040
We were just thinking
about next Christmas.
380
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,120
Oh, Beatrice, goodie!
381
00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,880
We were wondering
whether we should calm things down
382
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,880
and maybe not trap the whole family
on a festive prison island.
383
00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,680
I mean the Isle of Wight,
Your Majesty.
384
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,560
I should never have let this man
marry our baby girl.
385
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,280
Oh, Mama, we love being here
with you for Christmas,
386
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,320
but do we really need all this food?
387
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,920
Yes, no other monarch has
50 turkeys,
388
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:46,160
dozens of geese, hundreds of pounds
of lamb and beef
389
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,720
and crates full of vegetables
delivered via train.
390
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,080
Nor do I. They do the last bit
of the journey by royal yacht.
391
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,440
If we had less food...
We could use a smaller yacht, yes.
392
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,160
Or no yacht at all!
393
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,440
You see? Don't be ridiculous, Henry!
394
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,640
Are you expecting my stuffed
bull's head to swim here by itself?
395
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,440
Oh, dear me!
396
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,600
I think that Henry has been
at the sherry, my darling.
397
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,160
Well, one of us has. Ssh!
398
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,880
If you don't want to spend Christmas
here with me,
399
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,080
I will be absolutely fine.
400
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,080
I'll always have you,
my darling Albert.
401
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,680
Of course we wouldn't want
to spend Christmas elsewhere.
402
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,640
Right, Henry?
403
00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,400
Jolly good. Right, now...
404
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,760
We need to press on.
We have three more courses to go.
405
00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:32,800
Ohh...
406
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,640
Oh, yummo! Savoury mince pies!
407
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,320
They are so beefy!
408
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,200
Oh, yeah!
409
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,920
Wowsers! Queen Vic really knew
how to put on a spread.
410
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,280
And look at all this leftover food!
411
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,320
How exciting!
412
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,520
I can leave gravy footprints
all over the table,
413
00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,040
wee on the sprouts.
414
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,440
Personally, I think it makes them
taste nicer. No need to thank me.
415
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,280
And of course,
stuff my face with turkey!
416
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,920
You know, turkey is
a traditional Christmas food
417
00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,480
that has been eaten in Britain
at this time of year for centuries,
418
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,360
but how we used to move them
around the country
419
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,120
might surprise you.
420
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,200
Hmm...
421
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,920
Well, you're the best delivery man
we've seen.
422
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,320
You've got the job. Oh, thank you.
I won't let you down.
423
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,120
You'd better not or that's a lot
of people's Christmases ruined.
424
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,080
Hang on. This is a Christmas job?
425
00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,400
It's only September.
I thought the job started today.
426
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,320
It does. Come on then! Oh!
427
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,120
Norfolk turkeys, best in the land.
428
00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,480
But why start now? Ow!
429
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,440
It takes months to walk a turkey
from Norfolk to London. Agh!
430
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,440
Shoo! And they lose weight
along the journey,
431
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,880
so you've got to get there early
to fatten them up again.
432
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,720
Wait. You want me
to walk a turkey to London?
433
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,880
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Of course not!
434
00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,960
If you do it one at a time,
it'll take for ever.
435
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,120
You're taking a thousand turkeys!
436
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,120
SQUAWKING
437
00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,960
You're expecting me to walk them lot
over a hundred miles?
438
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,880
Well, how else are you going
to get them there? Ow!
439
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,680
Cut that out! Don't worry. I'm
going to give you this little stick.
440
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,600
And these boots.
They won't fit me. I'm a ten!
441
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,600
They're not for you.
They're for the turkeys.
442
00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,800
They're made of leather, so
their little feet don't get tired.
443
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,160
Go on. Put these on that one.
444
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,640
Have a practice.
445
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,160
You can't be...
446
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,640
Oh... Aagh!
447
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,400
Ow! Agh! Ow!
448
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:45,240
Get a move on. You'll have to set
off soon or you'll hit the traffic!
449
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,920
Trust me. There are a lot of turkeys
travelling from Norfolk to London.
450
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,440
Oh... I did it.
451
00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,840
Well done.
You can do the others now.
452
00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:00,120
Aagh! Don't let them get you
on the ground.
453
00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:04,240
I know what you did wrong.
You forgot your little stick.
454
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,360
Agh! Aaagh!
455
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,400
Hmm, season's greetings.
456
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,600
I'm legendary author Charles Dickens
457
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,800
and I love everything
about Christmas.
458
00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:16,920
The trees, the carols,
eating the same turkey for 12 meals.
459
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,280
Well, maybe not that.
460
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,840
But I do love Christmas.
461
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:25,000
I even wrote my most famous book,
A Christmas Carol, about Christmas.
462
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,840
But what was the title
of my first Christmas story?
463
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,080
The answer was...
464
00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,120
The story is about a grumpy old man
465
00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,320
who was encouraged
to change his ways.
466
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,840
Sound familiar? Darling,
I've found some more turkey!
467
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,360
Bah humbug!
468
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:59,040
Right, you and the kids, let's get
this Christmas party started.
469
00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:00,760
Charles, it's nearly one
in the morning.
470
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,360
Half the children are asleep.
471
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:04,560
Oh, I know what'll wake her up!
472
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,520
A magic show. Kate, get me a hat.
473
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,200
Charles, you're not sawing
one of the children in half!
474
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,240
Here's your hat, Dad.
475
00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,360
Whoa! What was that? Just
a guinea pig from another trick.
476
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,640
I'll find him later. Yeah.
477
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,360
Right, can anyone tell me
what this is?
478
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,280
Any guesses?
479
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,560
Tough crowd.
480
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,160
It's a plum.
481
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,880
A plum, correct.
482
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,920
Now, would anyone like
some plum pudding?
483
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,800
Yes, please.
484
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,240
Abracadabra!
485
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,600
Huh! A plum pudding conjured up
in just one second.
486
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,640
Actually, it took me four hours
to make that, but whatever!
487
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,440
What shall we do now?
Let's put the little ones to bed.
488
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,160
Let's do charades.
I'll go first. It's a book.
489
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,160
Two words. Second word.
490
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,200
Sounds like "mouse".
491
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,600
Bleak House. Yes, good guess.
492
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,480
Not really. You wrote it.
493
00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,160
Got another one. Two words.
Second word.
494
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,000
Oliver Twist. Ha-ha!
Very good, darling.
495
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,960
Four words...
The Old Curiosity Shop.
496
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,600
No. Yes, it is!
497
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,120
Yes, you're right, it is.
498
00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,800
I have an idea for a game.
499
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,400
Usually my job, but go ahead.
500
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,560
Let's play It!
501
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,800
Brilliant idea. I'll go first.
I was hoping you'd say that.
502
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,280
Here you are. Oh... OK.
503
00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,880
We'll turn you round.
504
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,800
Oh, ho, ho! You're so quiet.
It's like you're not even here.
505
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,440
Oh! Ho, ho, ho, ho!
506
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,160
I love Christmas!
507
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,800
SQUELCH AND SQUEAK
Oh!
508
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,080
I think I've found the guinea pig.
509
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,640
So, that's our Horrible Guide
to Christmas.
510
00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,240
It was the Victorians
like Mr Dickens
511
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,600
who turned
a lot of old winter customs
512
00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,400
into the Christmas traditions
we know today.
513
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,360
He'll be back to tell you
more about that in a second,
514
00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:05,160
but first, we'd like to wish you
a very merry Christmas
515
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,560
if you celebrate it.
516
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,120
Or if you don't, we wish you
a very happy holidays!
517
00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:11,800
Take it away, Charles.
518
00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:20,080
♪ Are you hanging up your baubles
on the tree?
519
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,680
♪ Who have you got to thank
for that?
520
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,800
♪ It's me!
521
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,880
♪ It's true that Vic and Albert
522
00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,280
♪ Helped its popularity
523
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:38,200
♪ But George III's wife Charlotte
524
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:44,640
♪ Brought it here from Germany
525
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:50,040
♪ Are you sending Christmas cards
to all your friends?
526
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:56,800
♪ Henry Cole popularised the trend
527
00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,240
♪ And your Christmas cracker
528
00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,440
♪ Filled with a little treat
529
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,960
♪ That's Tom Smith the confectioner
530
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:13,680
♪ I just wanted to sell more sweets!
531
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:18,880
♪ So here it is, your Christmas...
532
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,840
♪ Traditions
533
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,920
♪ All made popular by...
534
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,920
♪ Victorians
535
00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:33,600
♪ Are you singing Christmas carols
in the street?
536
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:40,120
♪ Or nibbling mince pies
filled with fruit, not meat?
537
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:44,560
♪ Victorian traditions?
538
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,600
♪ Afraid not, don't blame me
539
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,560
♪ Just like eating turkey
540
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:57,160
♪ They've been around for centuries
541
00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:01,800
♪ So here it is, your Christmas...
542
00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,840
♪ Supersized!
543
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:08,280
♪ Thanks to A Christmas Carol
544
00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,480
♪ Popularised!
545
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:15,400
♪ Yes, here it is, your Christmas
546
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,240
♪ Let's have a ball
547
00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:21,600
♪ And from us Victorians
548
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,920
♪ Merry Christmas, one and all... ♪
549
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:30,240
It's Victorian Christmas!
550
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,520
And I didn't come alone.
551
00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,800
I am Belznickel.
552
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,240
I've got a problem.
553
00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,120
This is going to be a problem.
554
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,840
♪ The past is no longer a mystery
555
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,240
♪ Hope you enjoyed...
556
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,200
♪ Horrible Histories! ♪
557
00:27:52,250 --> 00:27:56,800
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