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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,640 ♪ Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians 2 00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:07,160 ♪ Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights 3 00:00:07,160 --> 00:00:10,080 ♪ Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:12,560 ♪ Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times 5 00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:13,880 ♪ Roman rotten, rank and ruthless 6 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:15,440 ♪ Caveman savage, fierce and toothless 7 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:16,800 ♪ Groovy Greeks, brainy sages 8 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,120 ♪ Mean and measly Middle Ages 9 00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,760 ♪ Gory stories, we do that 10 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,360 ♪ And your host, a talking rat 11 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,240 ♪ The past is no longer a mystery 12 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:32,000 ♪ Welcome to... Horrible Histories! ♪ 13 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:34,480 Horrible Histories presents... 14 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:39,040 Ho, ho, ho! 15 00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:41,720 Oh! Agh! Eugh! 16 00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,600 Merry Christmas! Santa Claus here. 17 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:47,640 Oopsy! 18 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,240 Now, when it comes to Christmas, 19 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,120 all you good little boys and girls know 20 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,600 that I am awesome. 21 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,800 I mean, I totally SLEIGH! Ha-ha! 22 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:01,520 There's SNOW-one better than me! Ha-ha! 23 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,480 Oh, sorry, I've been reading too many cracker jokes again. 24 00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,800 But, seriously, I'm an absolute ledge. 25 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:12,680 But I'm not the only legendary Christmas hero that's ever been. 26 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:15,160 Er, now, how do I get out of this? 27 00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,000 Um... Ohhh! 28 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,520 Oh! Um-um-da! 29 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,600 Oh! Wat-dat-nowd! 30 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,280 Huh! Ohh! 31 00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:26,480 Right, time for bed then, Sam. It's Christmas Day tomorrow. 32 00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,840 So, you need to get a good night's sleep. No. Why can't I stay up late? 33 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,400 Child staying up late at Christmas? 34 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,320 Someone call Santa Claus and tell him we've got a naughty one. 35 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,120 Oh! 36 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,080 It's Christmas Eve. Santa's busy. 37 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:44,160 Presenting the ultimate historical Christmas team... 38 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,280 Sorry. Who are you? 39 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:49,440 I'm Captain Christmas. 40 00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:52,480 In the Tudor age, I was known as the Lord of Misrule. 41 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,040 I was a bit of a prankster. 42 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:58,200 When Captain Christmas was near, Tudor people would cheer. 43 00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,920 And I haven't come alone. 44 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:04,080 Argh! Oh! I'm Belznickel from northern Europe 45 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,360 and some parts of North America. Huh? 46 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:11,640 Belznickel, a fur-clad figure of festive fun. 47 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:15,440 I bring nuts and sweets for ze good kids 48 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,000 and a whip for ze bad ones. 49 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:19,480 Really? A whip? 50 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:23,400 I'm Tante Arie from 15th century France and Switzerland. 51 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:28,120 Tante Arie, who people believed had iron teeth and the feet of a goose. 52 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:31,120 I punish children with donkey's ears 53 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:34,080 and I beat them with sticks soaked in vinegar. 54 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:37,120 Guys, can we dial down the whole beating thing, please? 55 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,680 I'm John Canoe, inspired by a Ghanaian chief, 56 00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,400 and I don't beat anybody. 57 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:43,920 You see? It's not necessary. 58 00:02:43,920 --> 00:02:45,560 I do force my way into people's homes 59 00:02:45,560 --> 00:02:47,680 and dance until they give me money. Give me money! 60 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:49,840 Give me the money. Stop doing that. I want it. 61 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:51,160 Unbelievable. I want the money. 62 00:02:51,160 --> 00:02:54,080 John Canoe, he pesters you with dancing 63 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:56,080 until you pay him to go away. 64 00:02:56,080 --> 00:02:59,120 And you're absolutely sure Santa Claus isn't available? 65 00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,640 What is it with Santa? He's not that good. 66 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,320 He's not the only Christmas spirit that ever existed. 67 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,440 And introducing Krampus! 68 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:07,680 Rarrgh! 69 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:11,200 The legend from central Europe who hurts wicked children. 70 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,480 Hurting children? Guys, we need to talk about the whole violence thing 71 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,400 because at the moment, as a team, we're all stick and no carrot. 72 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,680 Sorry about your ceiling. 73 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,560 And finally, from Finland, 74 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,920 the god of the harvest, Joulupukki! 75 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:23,960 BLEATING 76 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:27,800 Part goat and part...goat, he's all goat! 77 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:28,880 BLEATS 78 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:30,840 Nice of you to join us, Joulupukki. 79 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,200 BLEATS Language! 80 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,160 There are children present. 81 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,640 Right, strike a pose. 82 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:40,080 When Christmas is threatened and Santa is busy, 83 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,880 call The Other Spirits of Christmas! 84 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,200 BLEATS 85 00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,560 I said language! 86 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,080 Or maybe don't. 87 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:54,360 Hello there. I'm just back from my RAT-ivity play rehearsals. 88 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,520 As you can see, I'm the donkey...again! 89 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:01,080 I auditioned to be Ickle Baby Jesus, 90 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:02,520 but, well, let's just say 91 00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:05,120 they didn't like what I brought to the role. 92 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,400 Honestly, it's a stable! 93 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:09,280 It's not going to smell of roses! 94 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,320 FARTS 95 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,920 Anyway, did you know the Nativity scene was a Christmas tradition 96 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,200 only introduced in the Middle Ages 97 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:19,400 by a monk called St Francis of Assisi? 98 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:20,920 BLEATING 99 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,440 Whoever's playing that goat is doing a very good job. 100 00:04:23,440 --> 00:04:25,400 LOUD FARTING 101 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,640 Christmas log. Bonus! 102 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:29,440 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 103 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:31,080 BELLS RINGING 104 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:34,080 Thank you, Lord, for the peace you have given us here 105 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,320 in the Order of the Friars Minor. 106 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:39,160 Come back here, you brute! 107 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:43,840 Lord, the peaceful tranquillity of our humble home 108 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:45,440 is perfect for... 109 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:47,440 DONKEY BRAYS Ow! 110 00:04:47,440 --> 00:04:49,200 Get off! 111 00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,400 Will you let go of my... 112 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,360 The tranquillity is perfect for quiet reflection 113 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,600 and the dedicated study of... 114 00:04:57,600 --> 00:04:59,560 Aaagh! Oh! 115 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,280 Ow! Oh! 116 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:05,520 Right! Ohhh... 117 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:08,480 Brother Francis, may I have a word? 118 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,400 Of course, Brother Peter. How can I be of service? 119 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:14,080 It's about the Christmas display thingamajig 120 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,040 you created in the chapel in the cave. 121 00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:18,360 Ah! The live action Nativity scene, 122 00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,080 first of its kind? 123 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,760 It's a way for us to experience the Nativity story 124 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,680 in a way that makes it appear real. 125 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:27,160 Well, it certainly feels real. 126 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,440 You have to admit using actual animals 127 00:05:29,440 --> 00:05:32,960 to surround the babe of Bethlehem in his manger was inspired. 128 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,200 Yes, you know there aren't any animals 129 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,680 actually mentioned in the original story? 130 00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:41,000 He was in a manger where animals eat. It's not a big stretch. 131 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,560 Plus, I really like animals. 132 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:46,840 OK, look, we all loved your Nativity scene, Francis, but... 133 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,640 Whoa-oa-oa! 134 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:51,080 Grrrr! 135 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,320 Brother Francis, 136 00:05:52,320 --> 00:05:55,680 could we please give the animals back to the villagers? 137 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,240 Because at the moment, we have a courtyard full of... 138 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,720 Aaaaagh! 139 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:01,760 MOOING 140 00:06:01,760 --> 00:06:04,520 It's OK, the ox broke my fall! 141 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,600 Ah, divine intervention! 142 00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,120 Just another gift from my new Nativity scene... 143 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,600 Ohh! 144 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,160 It's OK. The, uh... 145 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:16,520 oh, big pile of poo broke my fall! 146 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,840 This way, Your Majesty. Everything's prepared for Queen Charlotte. 147 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:24,640 Merry Christmas, George. 148 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:28,960 Mein royal family, I have a very special surprise for you all. 149 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,880 Is Daddy abdicating? At ease. You're not George IV yet. 150 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:34,960 This way! 151 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:39,000 Ho, ho, ho, ho! A new Christmas tradition. 152 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:42,040 SCREAMING 153 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,520 Why is there a tree in the middle of the parlour? 154 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:46,480 Because I put it there, George. 155 00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:51,120 Ooh! Is it a fancy cake that just looks like a tree? 156 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,640 No, real tree. 157 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,760 This is a German Christmas tradition. 158 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:59,640 They say it was started by the founder of Protestantism himself, 159 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:00,720 Martin Luther. 160 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,960 The children find it most enchanting. 161 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:06,920 There it is, kill it! 162 00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:08,360 No! 163 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:09,840 SHOUTING 164 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,800 George, please! 165 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,440 Stop it! Your King commands you! 166 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:16,240 Thank you, George. It's just a tree. 167 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,920 Frisk it for squirrels. 168 00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,480 Oh... SHOUTING 169 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:22,000 No, don't, don't! 170 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:27,400 No, this is just a lovely... weird tradition 171 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,160 from my wife's native Germany. 172 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,520 And we should respect it 173 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,920 and not frisk it for squirrels. 174 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,120 Unless that's sort of what you wanted. 175 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,320 Nein! No, no, just... just a weird tree. 176 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,400 The tradition is that we decorate the tree 177 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,400 and sing Christmas carols around it 178 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,840 und give gifts! 179 00:07:47,840 --> 00:07:50,280 It's exactly like the yew bough I bring in 180 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,840 and decorate every year, just bigger! 181 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,040 So it's like the Christmas stick? 182 00:07:56,040 --> 00:07:58,480 I love the Christmas stick. Exactly! 183 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,680 It's wonderful. Oh! And I know exactly what we should call it. 184 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:05,920 Ja? It's Christmas... Mm-hm? ..and it's a tree. 185 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,520 So, we should call it... 186 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:10,520 the big Christmas stick! 187 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,960 The first big Christmas stick in Britain. 188 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,000 We may have to work on the name. 189 00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:25,640 Not everyone is a fan of Christmas traditions or even of Christmas. 190 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,040 In fact, in 1647, 191 00:08:28,040 --> 00:08:31,040 we Puritans actually banned Christmas in England altogether. 192 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,800 And celebrating it was a punishable offence. 193 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:36,680 We even changed the word Christmas to Foolstide. 194 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,600 So, not merry Foolstide to you! Thrrp! 195 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,040 All your favourite Christmas carols adapted, 196 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:50,920 so as not to cause offence to 17th century Puritans around the world. 197 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,200 Sing along to great songs like The First Noel. 198 00:09:32,080 --> 00:09:36,560 Now That's What I Call A Puritan Christmas has been re-branded 199 00:09:36,560 --> 00:09:39,800 because some Puritans find the word Christmas offensive! 200 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,200 Now That's What I Call A Puritan Foolstide 201 00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,720 is the perfect album to not celebrate Christmas with. 202 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,240 Don't listen to it today! 203 00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:04,680 One of my favourite things about Christmas is the presents, 204 00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:09,640 unless that present is an album of bad songs about banning Christmas. 205 00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,760 My fault for being on Santa's naughty list, I guess. 206 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,000 You don't always get the gift you'd like. 207 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,360 Oh, wait, Anne of Cleves isn't here. 208 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,280 You haven't invited all the ex-wives, have you? 209 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:32,880 She's the only one left. All our mums are dead. 210 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,320 Three different mothers, all dead. 211 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,560 You'd think I'd remember. 212 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,720 Cooee! Oh, joy, Anne of Cleves is here. 213 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,200 Sorry. I was praying again. 214 00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,320 Right, ready. 215 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,480 ALL: Happy Christmas from the Tudors! 216 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,840 It's Christmas and no-one's given me a present yet. 217 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:06,560 I wonder if Captain Christmas has hidden them? 218 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:10,640 He loves Christmas so much, we all have to buy him one. 219 00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,680 Even the courtiers. 220 00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,160 Shall we do presents? Presents! 221 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:17,840 Well, if no-one's got anything better to do. 222 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:20,960 I'll go first because I got you guys the best presents. 223 00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:23,760 Is it France? No, it's too small. 224 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,120 It's not Wales, is it? Cos I've already got one. 225 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:30,240 Oh, you've translated a book 226 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:33,120 of French and Latin prayers into English. 227 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:34,440 It's wonderful! 228 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:37,480 I embroidered it with both of your initials. 229 00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:38,880 Uh-huh... 230 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,400 Seriously, what did you get me? 231 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,560 It's cos I know how much you love religion, Daddy. 232 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,080 You literally started your own church. 233 00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:50,240 Only so he could divorce my mum who died of a broken heart. 234 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,160 Why would you bring that up at Christmas? 235 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,880 I'm quite aware that it's Christmas! 236 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,280 MOCKING SOUNDS 237 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,800 Girls! 238 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:01,560 It's present time. Read the room. 239 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,480 Daddy, I got you another present. 240 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,880 I knew you weren't just going to give me 241 00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,760 that silly, sort of boring little book... 242 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,040 Oh, it's the same one. I made you one each. 243 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,520 It's, er...very nice. 244 00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:17,960 Rue the gift! 245 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,600 Ask me what I want for Christmas. OK, what do you want? 246 00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:24,440 Well, we all know how generous you are. 247 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,840 I spent a whole year's tax revenue for Christmas once. 248 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:31,800 Well, I thought a wonderful gift might be 249 00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:34,720 to recognise me as heir to the throne. 250 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:40,920 Oh... 251 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:42,560 Unbelievable. 252 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,160 ARGUING 253 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,080 She's not even a boy. 254 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,920 King Elizabeth? 255 00:12:47,920 --> 00:12:49,440 Sounds rubbish. 256 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,760 Honestly, I'm just happy to still be alive. 257 00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,040 Families, eh? 258 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,320 ARGUING 259 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:56,480 Can't live with them, 260 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,160 but can execute them. 261 00:12:58,160 --> 00:12:59,400 CLATTER 262 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,800 Good times. 263 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,200 Merry Christmas, everyone! 264 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:05,760 I sentence you to be executed 265 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:09,080 like all traitors to the French Revolution 266 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:14,280 by having your head sliced off by the guillotine's blade! 267 00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,720 Au revoir... 268 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,920 Monsieur Carotte! 269 00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,960 Are you looking for a toy this Christmas 270 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,720 which combines fun with extreme danger? 271 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,560 Yeah! 272 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:26,920 The mini-guillotine is a toy 273 00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:29,640 that's slicing its way through late 18th century Europe. 274 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,720 The mini-guillotine chops everything from carrots to dolls to mice 275 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:33,800 to parents' fingers! 276 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,720 Wait! Pardon, monsieur? 277 00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,360 The mini-guillotine from France is the must-have toy 278 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:39,920 from Christmas time 1793. 279 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,800 But don't take my word for it. 280 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,080 Here is the mother of famous German writer, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. 281 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:48,720 The toy-maker who made this should be slapped in the stocks! 282 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,520 Don't listen to her. She's no fun. 283 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:52,520 Buy the new mini-guillotine! 284 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,920 Oh, sacre bleu! 285 00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,360 The perfect 18th century Christmas toy... 286 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,160 Long before Christmas was celebrated in December, 287 00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,840 ancient civilisations would gather in the winter to rejoice. 288 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:10,960 We Romans called our winter festival Saturnalia. 289 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,920 We even gave each other presents that we put a lot of effort into. 290 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,480 A lot of effort into making them terrible! 291 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:20,280 You see, the key to giving a good Saturnalia gift 292 00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:21,800 was to give a bad one. 293 00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,480 Then I was like, "He's never going to make Centurion!" 294 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:29,360 Right, seeing as Duberus is here visiting from Gaul, 295 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:32,640 he should have the first gift, so... 296 00:14:32,640 --> 00:14:34,200 Io Saturnalia! 297 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,000 This is so exciting. 298 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,560 I love presents! 299 00:14:38,560 --> 00:14:41,400 It's a rotting sheep's head. 300 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,000 It's the perfect Saturnalia gift. 301 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,400 What am I supposed to do with this? Oh, nothing. 302 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,080 It's a gag gift. 303 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:51,760 It's an old Roman tradition to give terrible presents on Saturnalia. 304 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,360 Sorry, just to be clear, 305 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,400 on Saturnalia, we give the people we love 306 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:57,880 just the most terrible gifts? 307 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,440 Oh, no, not me. I actually got Lucian some money. 308 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,040 Ah! Oh, OK. 309 00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,160 Thanks, Quincus. 310 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,120 Wait a minute! 311 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,840 These are... Foreign coins, completely useless! 312 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:13,560 Oh, brilliant! What a terrible present! 313 00:15:13,560 --> 00:15:15,320 It's got no value! 314 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,000 Right, my turn. 315 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,240 Yeah, this is from me. 316 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,000 Ohh! Ohh! 317 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,520 A toga? I don't get it. 318 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:29,720 I heard you say you wanted one, so I thought... You shouldn't have. 319 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,400 You're welcome. No, you really shouldn't have. 320 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,160 Yeah, I mean, Saturnalia really isn't about being thoughtful. 321 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,200 Next time, be a little less considerate, OK? 322 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:42,880 Sorry, I will get the hang of it. I promise. 323 00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,560 Io Saturnalia! 324 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,640 Great gag dress, Metalla. 325 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,680 Who got you that? You look ridiculous! 326 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,240 GASPS Oh, no. 327 00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,080 This is my favourite dress. 328 00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,280 You look great. 329 00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:02,240 I'll get me cloak. 330 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:05,880 Who invited him? 331 00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:08,880 And now on HH TV, 332 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,160 we join Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth 333 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,320 for her annual Christmas message. 334 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,600 How lucky we all are 335 00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:18,160 to have such a wise, intelligent and beautiful monarch! 336 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,040 Did she write this herself again? 337 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,920 Greetings at this festive time. 338 00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:25,600 I think this might have been my best year yet. 339 00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,320 I've absolutely smashed it. 340 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,280 On a personal note, I have been getting on a lot better 341 00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:32,680 with my cousin in Scotland, Mary. 342 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,320 That may have been because I had her executed last year 343 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,920 for plotting against me. 344 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:40,600 This year has also been a time for national success. 345 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:44,160 I defeated the might of the Spanish Armada 346 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:47,960 with a little bit of help from Sir Francis Drake and his lads. 347 00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,680 And with... And our Dutch allies. 348 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,080 But still, well done, me! 349 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:54,840 In your face, Philip of Spain! Second place again! 350 00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,920 Is that why they call you Philip the Second? 351 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,360 Consider yourself dissed. Pow! 352 00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:02,600 Body of a woman, heart of a lion, put-downs of a docker. 353 00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,880 There has also been some sadness this year. 354 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,720 The tragic loss of dear friends 355 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:10,040 like Robert Dudley, Earl of Leicester, 356 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,280 could have weighed heavy on my heart 357 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:15,040 if I had been in any way romantically involved with him, 358 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:16,800 which I wasn't, 359 00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,720 despite what everyone says! 360 00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:23,040 Christmas is a time for everyone to come together 361 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:26,800 and put aside differences of opinion and religion 362 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,800 and all agree with me! 363 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:31,080 After all, I am the Queen. 364 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:34,720 So I wish you all a very happy Christmas. 365 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:36,280 Right... 366 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,160 On with the portrait. I'd better look fit! 367 00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:48,680 And then after we had eaten the calf's head with carrot sauce, 368 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,800 we had salmon with hollandaise 369 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,560 and sole Colbert, 370 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,680 then pureed pheasant with truffles. 371 00:17:55,680 --> 00:17:58,720 And that, my darling Albert, 372 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,680 really set us up for the first of our main courses. 373 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,600 Now, while she's in a good mood... 374 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,800 What are you two whispering about? 375 00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,480 Oh, is it another present? Give! 376 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,440 It is not another present. 377 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:12,800 I didn't want one anyway. Excessive. 378 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,920 Oh, funny you should say that, Mama. 379 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:17,040 We were just thinking about next Christmas. 380 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,120 Oh, Beatrice, goodie! 381 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:22,880 We were wondering whether we should calm things down 382 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,880 and maybe not trap the whole family on a festive prison island. 383 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,680 I mean the Isle of Wight, Your Majesty. 384 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:32,560 I should never have let this man marry our baby girl. 385 00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:35,280 Oh, Mama, we love being here with you for Christmas, 386 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,320 but do we really need all this food? 387 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:41,920 Yes, no other monarch has 50 turkeys, 388 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:46,160 dozens of geese, hundreds of pounds of lamb and beef 389 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,720 and crates full of vegetables delivered via train. 390 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,080 Nor do I. They do the last bit of the journey by royal yacht. 391 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:55,440 If we had less food... We could use a smaller yacht, yes. 392 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,160 Or no yacht at all! 393 00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,440 You see? Don't be ridiculous, Henry! 394 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:05,640 Are you expecting my stuffed bull's head to swim here by itself? 395 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,440 Oh, dear me! 396 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,600 I think that Henry has been at the sherry, my darling. 397 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,160 Well, one of us has. Ssh! 398 00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:14,880 If you don't want to spend Christmas here with me, 399 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,080 I will be absolutely fine. 400 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:20,080 I'll always have you, my darling Albert. 401 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,680 Of course we wouldn't want to spend Christmas elsewhere. 402 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,640 Right, Henry? 403 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:28,400 Jolly good. Right, now... 404 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,760 We need to press on. We have three more courses to go. 405 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:32,800 Ohh... 406 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,640 Oh, yummo! Savoury mince pies! 407 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,320 They are so beefy! 408 00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:44,200 Oh, yeah! 409 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:49,920 Wowsers! Queen Vic really knew how to put on a spread. 410 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,280 And look at all this leftover food! 411 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,320 How exciting! 412 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,520 I can leave gravy footprints all over the table, 413 00:19:58,520 --> 00:20:00,040 wee on the sprouts. 414 00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:03,440 Personally, I think it makes them taste nicer. No need to thank me. 415 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:07,280 And of course, stuff my face with turkey! 416 00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,920 You know, turkey is a traditional Christmas food 417 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:13,480 that has been eaten in Britain at this time of year for centuries, 418 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,360 but how we used to move them around the country 419 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,120 might surprise you. 420 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,200 Hmm... 421 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:24,920 Well, you're the best delivery man we've seen. 422 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,320 You've got the job. Oh, thank you. I won't let you down. 423 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,120 You'd better not or that's a lot of people's Christmases ruined. 424 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,080 Hang on. This is a Christmas job? 425 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,400 It's only September. I thought the job started today. 426 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:39,320 It does. Come on then! Oh! 427 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,120 Norfolk turkeys, best in the land. 428 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:45,480 But why start now? Ow! 429 00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:48,440 It takes months to walk a turkey from Norfolk to London. Agh! 430 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,440 Shoo! And they lose weight along the journey, 431 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,880 so you've got to get there early to fatten them up again. 432 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:56,720 Wait. You want me to walk a turkey to London? 433 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,880 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Of course not! 434 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,960 If you do it one at a time, it'll take for ever. 435 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,120 You're taking a thousand turkeys! 436 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,120 SQUAWKING 437 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:13,960 You're expecting me to walk them lot over a hundred miles? 438 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,880 Well, how else are you going to get them there? Ow! 439 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,680 Cut that out! Don't worry. I'm going to give you this little stick. 440 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,600 And these boots. They won't fit me. I'm a ten! 441 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,600 They're not for you. They're for the turkeys. 442 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:29,800 They're made of leather, so their little feet don't get tired. 443 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,160 Go on. Put these on that one. 444 00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,640 Have a practice. 445 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,160 You can't be... 446 00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:37,640 Oh... Aagh! 447 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:41,400 Ow! Agh! Ow! 448 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:45,240 Get a move on. You'll have to set off soon or you'll hit the traffic! 449 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:49,920 Trust me. There are a lot of turkeys travelling from Norfolk to London. 450 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,440 Oh... I did it. 451 00:21:53,440 --> 00:21:55,840 Well done. You can do the others now. 452 00:21:57,120 --> 00:22:00,120 Aagh! Don't let them get you on the ground. 453 00:22:00,120 --> 00:22:04,240 I know what you did wrong. You forgot your little stick. 454 00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,360 Agh! Aaagh! 455 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:08,400 Hmm, season's greetings. 456 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,600 I'm legendary author Charles Dickens 457 00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:12,800 and I love everything about Christmas. 458 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:16,920 The trees, the carols, eating the same turkey for 12 meals. 459 00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:19,280 Well, maybe not that. 460 00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,840 But I do love Christmas. 461 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:25,000 I even wrote my most famous book, A Christmas Carol, about Christmas. 462 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,840 But what was the title of my first Christmas story? 463 00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:41,080 The answer was... 464 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,120 The story is about a grumpy old man 465 00:22:47,120 --> 00:22:49,320 who was encouraged to change his ways. 466 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,840 Sound familiar? Darling, I've found some more turkey! 467 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:55,360 Bah humbug! 468 00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:59,040 Right, you and the kids, let's get this Christmas party started. 469 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:00,760 Charles, it's nearly one in the morning. 470 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,360 Half the children are asleep. 471 00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:04,560 Oh, I know what'll wake her up! 472 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:07,520 A magic show. Kate, get me a hat. 473 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,200 Charles, you're not sawing one of the children in half! 474 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,240 Here's your hat, Dad. 475 00:23:12,240 --> 00:23:15,360 Whoa! What was that? Just a guinea pig from another trick. 476 00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,640 I'll find him later. Yeah. 477 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:21,360 Right, can anyone tell me what this is? 478 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,280 Any guesses? 479 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,560 Tough crowd. 480 00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,160 It's a plum. 481 00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,880 A plum, correct. 482 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:33,920 Now, would anyone like some plum pudding? 483 00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:35,800 Yes, please. 484 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,240 Abracadabra! 485 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,600 Huh! A plum pudding conjured up in just one second. 486 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:46,640 Actually, it took me four hours to make that, but whatever! 487 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,440 What shall we do now? Let's put the little ones to bed. 488 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:52,160 Let's do charades. I'll go first. It's a book. 489 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,160 Two words. Second word. 490 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,200 Sounds like "mouse". 491 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,600 Bleak House. Yes, good guess. 492 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,480 Not really. You wrote it. 493 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,160 Got another one. Two words. Second word. 494 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,000 Oliver Twist. Ha-ha! Very good, darling. 495 00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:09,960 Four words... The Old Curiosity Shop. 496 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,600 No. Yes, it is! 497 00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:13,120 Yes, you're right, it is. 498 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,800 I have an idea for a game. 499 00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:16,400 Usually my job, but go ahead. 500 00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,560 Let's play It! 501 00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:21,800 Brilliant idea. I'll go first. I was hoping you'd say that. 502 00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:26,280 Here you are. Oh... OK. 503 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:29,880 We'll turn you round. 504 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,800 Oh, ho, ho! You're so quiet. It's like you're not even here. 505 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:39,440 Oh! Ho, ho, ho, ho! 506 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:41,160 I love Christmas! 507 00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:43,800 SQUELCH AND SQUEAK Oh! 508 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:46,080 I think I've found the guinea pig. 509 00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,640 So, that's our Horrible Guide to Christmas. 510 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,240 It was the Victorians like Mr Dickens 511 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:54,600 who turned a lot of old winter customs 512 00:24:54,600 --> 00:24:57,400 into the Christmas traditions we know today. 513 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,360 He'll be back to tell you more about that in a second, 514 00:25:00,360 --> 00:25:05,160 but first, we'd like to wish you a very merry Christmas 515 00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:06,560 if you celebrate it. 516 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:10,120 Or if you don't, we wish you a very happy holidays! 517 00:25:10,120 --> 00:25:11,800 Take it away, Charles. 518 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:20,080 ♪ Are you hanging up your baubles on the tree? 519 00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,680 ♪ Who have you got to thank for that? 520 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:26,800 ♪ It's me! 521 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,880 ♪ It's true that Vic and Albert 522 00:25:30,880 --> 00:25:34,280 ♪ Helped its popularity 523 00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:38,200 ♪ But George III's wife Charlotte 524 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:44,640 ♪ Brought it here from Germany 525 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:50,040 ♪ Are you sending Christmas cards to all your friends? 526 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:56,800 ♪ Henry Cole popularised the trend 527 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:01,240 ♪ And your Christmas cracker 528 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,440 ♪ Filled with a little treat 529 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:07,960 ♪ That's Tom Smith the confectioner 530 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:13,680 ♪ I just wanted to sell more sweets! 531 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:18,880 ♪ So here it is, your Christmas... 532 00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:20,840 ♪ Traditions 533 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,920 ♪ All made popular by... 534 00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:27,920 ♪ Victorians 535 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:33,600 ♪ Are you singing Christmas carols in the street? 536 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:40,120 ♪ Or nibbling mince pies filled with fruit, not meat? 537 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:44,560 ♪ Victorian traditions? 538 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,600 ♪ Afraid not, don't blame me 539 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:50,560 ♪ Just like eating turkey 540 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:57,160 ♪ They've been around for centuries 541 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:01,800 ♪ So here it is, your Christmas... 542 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:03,840 ♪ Supersized! 543 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:08,280 ♪ Thanks to A Christmas Carol 544 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:10,480 ♪ Popularised! 545 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:15,400 ♪ Yes, here it is, your Christmas 546 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,240 ♪ Let's have a ball 547 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:21,600 ♪ And from us Victorians 548 00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:25,920 ♪ Merry Christmas, one and all... ♪ 549 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:30,240 It's Victorian Christmas! 550 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,520 And I didn't come alone. 551 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,800 I am Belznickel. 552 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,240 I've got a problem. 553 00:27:42,320 --> 00:27:44,120 This is going to be a problem. 554 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,840 ♪ The past is no longer a mystery 555 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,240 ♪ Hope you enjoyed... 556 00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:52,200 ♪ Horrible Histories! ♪ 557 00:27:52,250 --> 00:27:56,800 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41861

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