All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s06e19 Baby and Other Things

More lemonade, sir?

Full disclosure,
it's a pitcher of water

we can't get
the lemon taste out of.

Sir?

(gasps)

Max, either this guy's
pretending to be dead

to get out of paying the check

or Oleg's chili
has killed again.

This is my Earl mirror.

I use it during naps to
make sure he's still breathing.

And 80% of the time he is.

(both gasp)

Han, there's a dead body
at table three,

the saddest place to die
other than table two.

Oleg, get out here!

Someone's deader
than Max's emotions.

I really should
throw away that chili.

Let's prop him up outside
with a Salvation Army bucket.

Whatever he collects,
we split in the morning.

Uh, count me out.

If they catch the five of us
with a dead body,

you know they're gonna
blame the black guy.

Okay, everyone grab
a limb and lift.

(screams)

How's everything tasting?

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Max, you're not
gonna believe it.

Bobby's in the shower!

That's how much he likes me,
he's using our shower.

He makes me so happy.

Yeah, I heard.

It sounded like someone
was trying to connect

with a dial-up modem out here.

Sorry.

That's just what I sound like

when I go online.

But really, he makes me
feel like that all the time.

He's perfect.
We're perfect.

Caroline, you shouldn't
get too carried away.

Nothing is perfect.

Except that game
I pitched for the Yankees.

Actually, it is perfect.

We're amazing together,

and I really don't want to hear
from Negative Nancy.

What the--
who's Negative Nancy?

Everyone knows I go by
"Negative Juggs McGee."

I'm just saying you don't
know him that well yet.

I know what this is about,
and it's not me and Bobby.

You're worried
I'm gonna get hurt

because of what happened
between you and Randy.

It's not about that.

I just know guys,

and you haven't been
in a relationship

since Ben was the best Affleck.

Hey there.

It's amazing,
I'm somehow less clean now

than when I went in.

I gotta get going, babe.

I'll meet you
at the dessert bar.

We're having lunch with
his mom and his sister.

I'm almost part
of the family now.

Well, if you were
part of the family

you'd be
addicted to Diet Pepsi

and get into mall fights
on Black Friday.

Then I might be a cousin.

Oh, you know what?
I'll walk you out.

If Homeless Larry
tries to grab you,

-I can fend him off.
-Yeah.

Oh, careful, he's got
barbecue tongs now.

Aww.

Look at those two.

That PDA is making me want
to M-A-S-T-U--

Ah, I would stop you,

but I doubt you know
what comes after U.

Usually me.

What do you guys want?

Well, we're looking
for some entertainment.

Oleg and I have
binge-watched everything.

You know, we even watched
the Santa Clarita Diet.

Now that's one diet
I'm not gonna stick to.

(phone chimes)

Oh, Bobby must have
left his phone here.

-Oh, crap.
-What's wrong?

It's a text from Bobby's ex,
Jessica.

It says, "Call me about baby."

Do Bobby and Jessica
have a baby?

Are they going to have one?

And why does Bobby have
a rose gold iPhone?

Maybe he got it
with his yearly mammogram.

I knew this relationship
was too good to be true.

Looks like
I'm not Negative Nancy,

more like Reality Check Rita.

Then why the hell
have I been calling you Max?

Oh, just a heads-up,

Bobby's family is on
its way over,

so any X-rated puppeteering
you have to do,

now is the time.

Speaking of Bobby
and people he knows,

uh, does he still talk
to what's-her-name, Jessica?

Pfft, no.

She is long gone,
like my bangs

or democracy.

Bobby never brings her up.

We just talk about
our common interests,

like how much
we like my hair

or how pretty I am.

Yeah, but circling back
to other people,

which is very hard with you,

Jessica, do they talk?
Text?

Share custody?

Max, why are you
asking about her?

Jessica is his ex-girlfriend.

All Bobby's ever said about her
is that she's a wedding planner

and she's out of his life.

I know that's hard
for you to believe,

like the moon landing.

Hey!

You never see their faces.

They brought back no cheese.
Just saying.

-Now, please, just drop it.
-Fine-ah!

Fine-ah.

Oh, hi, Denise.

Where's your mom and Bobby?

Oh, we don't ride
the subway together

in case there's a crash.

Somebody's gotta be around
for Black Friday.

Well, now that
Bobby's sister is here,

I don't wanna mess up
your perfect brunch.

I'm going to the diner,
where the only perfect thing

is the owl-to-rat ratio.

So you own this place?

Man, I'd love to be my own boss.

Mine treats me like garbage.

If I want to get freaky
with the UPS guy on my break,

that's my time.

So what is it you do,
besides the UPS guy?

I work the counter at
the Mail Boxes and Other Things.

It's like Mail Boxes Etc,
but we have other things.

Oh.

I know it sounds cool,

but my boss
is always on me.

Well, maybe you should
talk to your boss.

You know, tell him how you feel,
stand up for yourself.

I'm not great
with confrontation,

partially because
I had bad depth perception.

Like, I have no idea how
far away you are right now.

I'm right here.

On second base.

Well, I think you're great,

and not inappropriate at all.

And if your boss can't see that,
well, maybe you should quit.

So the gentleman who looked
like Abraham Lincoln,

was that a hipster
or an Orthodox Jew?

Either way, I don't understand
why you gave him a dollar.

Mom, I quit!

Wait, your mom is your boss?

Is it the UPS man?

He's your godfather.
It's untoward.

Where's this coming from?

From my new best friend

and women-in-business mentor,

Caroline.

(clicks tongue)

You told my daughter
to quit working for me?

I'm sure she meant
a different Caroline.

I don't know.

Everything got blurry
after she touched my boobs.

Han, I'm about to say
what you said to me

when you were trying to get
into an R-rated movie.

I need your help.

I told you three times,
I don't fit up drain pipes.

Listen, I just saw this text
on Bobby's phone

from his ex-girlfriend,
Jessica.

I think they might have
a secret baby together.

Wow, that would really
devastate Caroline.

More importantly, Bobby and I
are rose gold buddies.

I just have to make sure
before I say anything

to panic Caroline.

I need to do
some detective work,

so you and I are gonna go down

to Jessica's
wedding planning business

and pretend we're a couple.

Obviously I'll be the groom.

Max, this might come
as a surprise to you,

but I'm a very busy man.

I don't have time for your
sophomoric high jinks.

Uh, that's what they said
to Adam Sandler,

and it only made him richer.

I'm flattered
I was your first choice.

Man, she asked me
five people ago.

I think she was down
to you or a broom,

and the broom was busy.

If I'm doing this, we have
to use our best acting skills,

'cause who's gonna believe
you landed me?

Ugh, really wish Steve the Broom
didn't have Pilates at 4:00.

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Ferraro.

I had no idea
you were the awful boss

that was making
her life miserable.

Bobby, why didn't you tell me

your mom owns
a Mail Boxes and Other Things?

I didn't want you to date me
for the unlimited bubble wrap.

Denise can't cope
out in the world.

You know how many times
she's touched

our neighbor's electric fence.

To be fair,
they installed it

to keep her from falling
in their pool.

Well, you did this.
You take care of it.

She's your responsibility now.

Bobby, bring home
some deserts for me.

From Dunkin'!

Bobby, I am so sorry.

I don't want our first fight
to be over a misunderstanding.

I want it to be
about something important,

like if you want a soul patch.

We're not fighting.

This is a bump.

I think you're overreacting.

Then why are you yelling?

I'm not yelling.

Man, what's with
all the yelling?

Oh, Oleg,
let's see where this goes.

It's already better
than everything on Amazon.

Just with it was a little bit
more Game of Thrones-y.

And by that,
I mean a little more topless.

And by that I mean,
oh, oh, Bobby.

Caroline, we're not fighting.

But please,
don't get in the middle

of my ma and Denise again.

My aunt tried once.

Now she's really scared
of ceiling fans.

I gotta go.
I still can't find my phone.

Oleg, this is our new show.

Grab the popcorn from my purse.

You want cheddar cheese
or kettle corn?

You know I can hear you, right?

Okay, this must be
Jessica's office.

Oh, here, better put this on
for the bit.

This was smuggled out
of North Korea

by my great-grandfather
in his great backside.

Oh, the classic tush cut.

Now remember,
we're detectives.

We're like Cagney and the only
guy I could get to come with me.

Hi.

You must be Max and Han.

I'm Jessica.

Thanks so much for coming in.

Oh, you guys are so super cute.

(chuckles)

How does our cuteness
compare to, say, a baby?

Wow, you're thinking ahead.

Or are you expecting
a little one?

Ha, I've already got
a little one.

What about you?

Making fun of my size
is kind of our thing.

Like, making sweet love.

So I'm with child.
Are you?

Actually, I'm--

So for the wedding,

I was thinking
of a nature theme.

Something in the park,
whimsical of course,

with lanterns and flowers,
a big tent.

Oh, oh, really?

You want a big top, Pee-wee?
Jessica was talking.

Sorry, dear.

The old ball and chain
hates when I get a word in.

Sign me up for a lifetime.

Sorry, uh, I missed
what you were saying

about having a baby.

We're not here
to talk about me.

Let's talk about you
and your affair.

Oh, I'm definitely
gonna have one.

Thanks for texting, Caroline.

I've been a little lost since
you made me quit my job with Ma.

Mostly 'cause I couldn't
find the L train.

But I saw a guy kill a chicken.

I thought you and I
could get together

and figure out
your next career move,

which does not necessarily
need to be forward.

No, I'm not going back
to my ma's store

no matter how much I miss
hiding in boxes

and scaring people.

Well, let's brainstorm
on your next career move.

Hmm.

I've always wanted
to be a model.

I've been told I look great
with my pants down.

You are more than just a body.

Hmm, sometimes
I'm not so sure.

Hey, what about working here?

How hard can it be?
You do it.

Actually, this job
requires a lot--

You don't have
to talk me into it.

I'll do it.

Give me the Frisbee
with the drinks on it.

Okay, I guess you could help out
until Max gets back.

Or until someone gets hurt,
probably me.

As magic hour
descends over the city,

Max and I will retire
to the honeymoon suite

where she carries me
over the threshold.

Excited for what's to come.

Well, it's not gonna be
either of us.

So, uh, back to you, Jess.

Ooh, the party favors
could be little compasses

that lead you to your table.

Or to a waiting escape boat.

Are you sure you two
are right for each other?

Are you kidding?

I am obsessed with him.

We're two people madly in love.
Right, Max?

Bring those lips
over here and...

don't forget to invite
your tongue to the party.

Oh, I'm sure
she can see we're in love

without having to put
our mouths on each other.

Please.

She's shy.
Once she starts,

it's hard to put the snake
back in the can.

Could you feel the heat
from where you are?

Are you wearing lip gloss?

Listen, I've been down
this road before.

With a stroller?

I'm just asking because
that's how I push him around.

This wedding isn't making it
to the banquet hall.

I don't even think
it's making it to the car.

-You two should go.
-Ah.

You're moody.

Uh, are you pregnant?

Meh?

Are you sure you want
the flantinis?

Little tip, go buy yourself
a tub of Breyers

and a bottle of vodka
and save yourself 30 bucks.

Okay, let's go back over this.

The job of a waitress is to get
people to buy things here.

Also you're standing
on my feet right now.

Are you sure?
Because I don't feel anything.

Gosh, you know what?
Denise is my favorite character.

I bet you she looks like
a million bucks

with her pants down.

You know who looks like
2 million bucks

with her skirt
around her ankles?

How--how--

How did I get so lucky?

There she is,

my big shot daughter
who doesn't need me anymore.

And the woman who keeps taking
my babies from me.

I'm getting a drink.

Oh, great, now they're
all working here.

Denise called my ma
to brag about her new job

at your dessert bar.

Bobby, I know you said
not to get involved,

but I wanted to end our fight.

Also, I think your sister
may have broken my pinky toe.

Oh, that's my fault.

I didn't teach you the stop sign
when she gets too close.

Am I too close?

FYI, Ma, it's going great here.

Well, if things
are going so great,

why don't you get
your own place

and start toasting your own
waffles in the morning?

Maybe I will.

Maybe I'll move in
with Caroline,

and she can teach me how
to use her toaster oven.

We actually have
a pretty small place,

and our toaster oven
is being used

as a tanning bed for mice.

Oleg texted me
this show was good.

I just finished
The Walking Dead.

It hit a little too close
to home.

Yeah, have a seat.

The crazy mom just showed up.

And the hot sister
is yelling at her.

Caroline!

I'm not being negative,
but Bobby's a dirtbag.

I'm 100% sure he has, had,

or is going to have
a baby with Jessica.

(all gasp)

And I'm 100% sure I'm gonna have
a cold sore in the morning.

Baby?
What's going on?

Bobby, what is going on?

This really is
the golden age of TV.

Max, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about
the text I saw on your phone

from Jessica about your baby.

(all gasp)

What are you doing
with my phone?

Bobby, do you have
a baby with Jessica?

Bobby, you have
a baby with Jessica?

That takes the sting
out of losing Denise.

A baby?
I don't have a--oh.

Oh, wait.
I have a cat.

A cat named Baby
with Jessica.

BOTH: Ohh.

ALL: Ohhh.

So what's happening
around here?

Why didn't you just ask me?

Because I was
respecting your boundaries,

which is why I stole your phone.

Makes sense.

Her friend here
forced my daughter

to abandon
the family's business.

Neither one of them
knows about boundaries.

I'm throwing these
small glasses away.

They're stupid.
(glass shatters)

Well, I'm pretty upset myself.

I wasted $20 on the domain name
MaxAndHansWedding.com.

We're not really
getting married!

We only went to see Jessica
to find out

if she had a baby
with Bobby, you boobie.

You went to see Jessica?

Seems like everyone's in a fight
except for me and Bobby.

Oh, no, we're fighting now.

I saw that text
on Bobby's phone,

and I didn't want you
getting hurt.

The only person
who got hurt was me.

I kissed Han on the lips.

ALL: Ohhh.

Max, you stalked his
ex-girlfriend without me?

Pretty shady move
by your friend, Caroline.

We may want to think
about finding another roommate.

Okay, that's enough.

Denise, you need to go back
and work for Ma,

and not only because
that's the only job

you're capable of doing,

but also 'cause
Ma's lost without you.

And, Max, you need to trust

that I'm not like
every other dirtbag.

And, Caroline, when
two people love each other,

they're gonna fight.

Are the two people
that love each other us?

Don't get bullied
into anything, Bobby.

Of course
I'm talking about us.

I love you, Caroline.

I love you, too.

Great.

Two white people
falling in love.

You don't ever
see that on TV.

You know what, Ma?
This place is dumb.

I'll come back and work at
Mail Boxes and Other Things.

You know what?

You're the other thing.

Come here.

Oleg, get the butt wipes
out of my bag.

This is a real tear-jerker.

My second favorite kind
of jerker.

I should get going, too.

I gotta check
some text messages.

And why is my screensaver
a shirtless Vin Diesel?

You're welcome.

You know trust is hard for me.

That's why I got kicked out
of Cirque du Soleil.

You're the first person in
my life I can actually count on.

Be so great if they made out
right now.

You were the first person
I could count on, too.

I love you, Max.

Okay, we're not there yet.

(cash register dings)

(rock music)

*

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