All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s06e18 Dad Day Afternoon

(upbeat music)

Oh, my God,
the customers are nakey.

Thank God you're seeing it too.

I thought my X-ray vision
was back.

God bless the annual
naked bike ride.

And where's Oleg?

This is the first lunch rush
in years.

Uh, the guy at table three
needs some water

and has an ass mole that should
really get looked at,

but not by me.

Oleg, you're doing
the naked bike ride too?

The naked what?

Okay, gang.

Let's hit the road.

(gasps)

Ugh, oh!

Ooh, ah!

I don't know where to look now.

Nothing's good.

Well, now we have to
burn this place down.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

[cash register bell dings]

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Don't try and stop me.

I'll Mountain Dew it.

You know I'm crazy
when I'm all Coked up.

So I heard a lot of noise

coming from your room
last night.

And since I know
that bat is dead,

because it had a heart attack
on my pillow,

I assume you had
a gentleman caller?

He wasn't a gentleman,

but he did wear a monocle
while we did it.

Well, you had a much more
exciting night than I did.

Both of my legs fell asleep
on the toilet.

Then so did I.

So you aren't gonna
see him again?

Well, we know every time
Earl walks away,

there's a chance of that.

I have an announcement.

Whoever keeps putting
peanut butter in my desk,

stop.

I'm allergic.

And I'm closing the diner
Sunday.

Well, we had a good run.

No, we didn't.

Let's scavenge, people!

Bye, y'all!

Where do we keep the money at?

(paper shredder whirring)

What?

I don't want our meat order

to fall into the wrong hands.

No, you pile of felons.

I'm closing the diner
for Sunday only.

Well, I'm keeping this stuff
anyway.

And I really hate it.

My new therapist, Gary,
says that I need

to take a day off
to focus on myself.

Did he give you
a magnifying glass for that?

Max, Gary says you use

your toxic,
mean-spirited jokes

to keep people like me
at a distance.

You know what else works?

Putting my hand
on your forehead.

Max, Gary also says

you have a fear of intimacy

stemming from your father
abandoning you.

To put it simply,
you have daddy issues.

The only daddy issues I have

are of Rod Magazine.

And there's no such thing
as daddy issues.

If there was, why would
my daughter be married

to a forgetful older man
named Burl?

What did Gary say about me, Han?

Were the words "Eliza Doolittle"
used?

Well, you certainly do little,

but actually,
you didn't come up.

You don't come up to my knees.

See? That's the kind
of material you need

to get a shout-out.

Hey, everybody!

Barbara just smiled politely
at her first ugly baby.

Oh, I could learn some manners
from her.

Sophie, it's really not nice
to call a baby "ugly."

Shut up!

Oh, I mean...

(cheerfully)
Shut up!

Good news, Sophie.

I don't have to work here

or Bubzie's Hideaway
this Sunday.

We can get a babysitter

and spend the whole day
together.

Well, if you're suggesting

that we have sex
at the dog track again,

then I'm gonna tell you
what I said at the dog track.

(barking)

Well, now we all need therapy.

Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry

you have to go to your
great aunt's funeral on Sunday.

I really wanted to get lunch
and some towels at Ikea.

Ooh, if you're going to Ikea,

can you get me
a snars-vaten-woggen?

I need a place to put
my book light.

Okay, I understand.

I guess the real lesson is,

don't lie about your weight
on a hot-air balloon.

I am so, so sorry...

that I had to listen to that
horrible phone conversation.

You know, Max,
it's actually a good thing

that Bobby's aunt
died tragically.

Now we can do inventory here

and get ahead on our books
on Sunday.

Only you could turn a death

into something depressing.

(chuckles) Speaking of
something depressing.

I just came by to let you know

you're late for the diner,

and you know, Max,

I had a working brunch
with Gary,

and he made a good point

as he pretended to reach
for the check.

He said it was unfair of me

to bring up your problems

without offering a solution.

You need to talk to your father.

Han, you are really
overstepping your boundaries,

which is really rude,
because that's my job.

Uh, it's fine.

Yeah, go ahead, Han.

Try and find my father.

I don't know his name,
where he lives,

or where he gets dialysis,
I'm assuming.

So good luck with that.

Here's his name and number.

He lives in Rhode Island,

America's least exciting state.

How did you find that?

That is way over the line,

and I really wish it was me
who had done it.

Unlike Max in high school,

it wasn't easy.

I called the hospital
for her birth certificate,

which led me
to the hall of records,

which then led me
to some forced necking

with a clerk named Shelley.

Sadly, it was a dead end.

So Gary got it for me.

His sister's a psychic
for the police.

So are you gonna call your dad

after all that hard work
Han and I did

to find his number?

I don't know.

This is a huge decision,
and I really want

to think this through.

Max, I think that's
a really smart

and mature decis--

Thought about it.

Okay, we're missing

two bottles of tequila,

but I did find a bloody knife,

so that's a wrap on inventory.

Oh, thank God.

I've been killing myself

with all this paperwork.

It took me 30 minutes
to make this hat.

Max, I know what's really
going on here.

You're trying to hide it
by doing origami,

but you're really thinking
about contacting your dad.

Uh, actually, I was thinking

about where I left
my bloody knife,

but you solved that mystery.

So now I'm thinking
about wrestling.

Wrestling with your emotions?

No, with Jeremy Piven.

Short arms.
I can take him.

Well, in the off-chance you do
want to contact your father,

I used my amazing
jigsaw puzzle talents

to put his number back together.

I was runner-up
in Jigsaw Palooza 2003.

Oh, thank God.

Thank you, Caroline...

for letting me
rip this up again.

You know, I hate to say this,

but Han's not wrong.

How dare you?

Let me finish.

Maybe you do have
some intimacy issues.

I mean, you haven't really dated
anyone since Randy,

and I still don't have a key
to our apartment.

I gave you that screwdriver.
It works.

You're not even a little
curious to meet him?

I guess maybe a little.

Maybe it'll explain some of the
more disturbing things about me,

like how I prefer Cocoa Pebbles
over Fruity Pebbles.

Yes! You can finally
get those answers.

I say we go now,
before you change your mind.

Should we steal some snacks
from the diner

before we steal Han's car?

MAX:
Earl, what are you doing here?

You know you're
off today, right?

Uh, I forgot my weed here.

Then I smoked it.

And now it doesn't matter
where I am.

* Squee, diddly-doo

I'm not working on
my Gary-prescribed day off.

I just swung by to--
to meet a friend...

named Friendo.

He's Italian.

What are you doing here?

We're going to meet Max's dad.

Because of me.

It's my thing now.

So you're giving up
your other thing?

Complimenting yourself

while the customers starve?

Earl, why don't you come with?

I want my real dad
to meet my birth dad.

Sure.
Which one am I again?

Can I come too?

Gary would love to hear
about the man

responsible for my misery.

Isn't that the cartoonist
who erased half your body?

Ugh, great.

Other looters got here first.

This is what happens
when you stop for snacks

on your way to stop
for more snacks.

We're going for a romantic ride
in the country.

We're looking for a farm
where we can do it.

We were just gonna ask Han
to drive us to Rhode Island,

but this is better.

With your minivan,

we can sit much further
from the driver.

Rhode Island?

Are we gonna bury a dead body?

No, but I am coming,

so don't get any ideas.

Well, I haven't been in a van
with this many weirdos

since the second time
I got kidnapped.

All right,
your dad just confirmed.

We're meeting him at 4:00
at the Rhode Island Diner.

Max's reunion with her father
is really humming along

since I took the reins from Han.

Don't kid yourself.

I laid the groundwork.

Don't kid yourself.

You've never laid anything.

Oleg, shouldn't we be
getting off at the next exit?

Do you think we should exit
at 33B, Misty?

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Ooh, that exit is closed

for construction,
naughty boy.

Since we're having a day off
from Barbara,

I put the GPS on XXX.

Can't a woman just talk to you?

This is why we march.

How about a fun car game?

I spy with my little eye

something that is black.

You better watch yourself, son.

No, I was referring to...

pass.

Max, are you nervous?

You have that nervous
metallic smell you get

when you find out 7-Eleven's
out of hot dogs.

No.

I keep a lot of nickels
in these pants.

(screaming)

Sophie, are you okay?

Yeah, that's just how I wake up.

Are you okay?

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Ooh, ah!

Bear right at the next exit.

Just like that.

Don't stop!

Okay, Misty.

I think I went to hair school
with your GPS.

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Object ahead.

Slow down, big boy.

(muffled thump)

Uh-oh, I hit a squirrel

or John Travolta's toupee.

Either way, its legs
are still moving.

(screaming)

Oh, gosh.

I must have fallen asleep again.

*

Hey, Han?

How do you say "hang in there"

in squirrel?

(chittering)

I learned it on Zoboomafoo.

Sophie, next time you scoop up
a wounded animal

with a donut box,

make sure everyone's
had one first.

Aww, he's resting comfortably
on a cruller.

Living my dream, buddy.

He won't die, right?

It's illegal to kill squirrels
in the Ukraine.

Ever since Putin had them
trained as spies.

There's an animal hospital
nearby.

Put the address
in the sexy GPS lady.

I don't care where we go,

I just want to hear
what she does

when we arrive
at our destination.

Not to be that person,

but I'm in charge now,

and this trip is about
Max meeting her dad,

not saving a squirrel's life.

-(gasps)
-Squirrel hater!

(all shouting)

Let's just take him with us.

If this diner's
anything like ours,

there'd be tons of other rodents
for him to play with.

FEMALE ELECTRONIC VOICE:
Your destination

is in 4,800 inches.

I had her convert everything
to inches.

Makes our trip sound bigger,
doesn't it?

We should plan a march.

(upbeat music)

Table for, uh...

for two.

And the cast of
American Horror Story: Minivan

will be in a separate booth.

Ooh, do you mind?

I'm pretty hungry.

My donut is covered

in squirrel slobber.

You can't bring outside food
in here.

It's not food.

It's a severely injured
squirrel.

All right, well, sit wherever.

Just don't let it
out of the box.

Do you see that, Earl?

He's firm but fair.

You look like a young Earl.

No, I'm Steve.

That was young Earl's name!

Hey, everybody!

Uh, I'm just going in.

I told your dad to look
for a pretty blonde girl

whose hair is a little longer
than a bob

but shorter than
shoulder-length.

Oh, I forgot to tell him
what you look like.

Well, I have no idea
what he looks like.

I always imagined Louis CK,
but not as hot.

Maybe you do have daddy issues.

On the plus side,
we will never like the same guy.

Gary says
when Max sees her dad,

she's going to get
very emotional.

She could get happy,

then sad.

Basically, hide your forks.

(squirrel chattering)

Oh.

He peed again.

Oh, Lord,

am I peeing?

But these are my best pants.

He peed so much, he turned
this donut box into a pool.

He's really putting the "ew"
in cruller.

Max, if you want privacy
when your dad gets here,

I can go sit
in that other booth.

Can you do that now?

Look alive, everyone!

It's the moment

we've always been waiting for.

At least since Tuesday,

when Gary suggested it.

Then I took over.

Max, make sure you look at me
when you hug him.

Oh, that guy?
I hope not.

No daddy, no daddy, no daddy.

What was wrong with him?

(sighs)
Besides his jeans,

arms, legs, face,
and overall vibe?

You know it would be bad

if you were attracted to him,
right?

*

You know, I was a cashier

when I was your age.

Yeah?
What do you do now?

-Cashier.
-(laughs)

-But this is just temporary.
-Temporary.

-No, I have actual dreams.
-Dreams.

No, seriously, man.

-I play saxophone.
-Saxophone.

I quit.

Attaboy.

You know, Han,

you should get your chef
to make flapjacks like this.

He does enough flapping
and jacking on his own.

I think this squirrel's asleep.

He's snoring
and clutching his nuts.

Aww, just like you do.

Han, will you watch the squirrel

so we can just have one minute
to ourselves?

No, I'm watching the door
for Max's--

how do I put this nicely?

"Monster who left her
as a child."

He's gonna be here.

Why am I so positive?

The only reason I know
where my dad is

is 'cause he's in prison.

Ooh, live one coming in.

This guy looks like he's missed
a few soccer games.

If that jabroni is him,
tell him I'm not here.

Max, one of these losers

is gonna be your dad.

I mean, we're in Rhode Island.

I'm gonna get a quick refill.

I got it, hon.
I'm in the industry.

Caroline, I'm starting to think

he's not going to show.

You really screwed
the pooch this time.

Me?

Yeah, this is your thing now.

You took the reins, remember?

You're Trevor Noah,

and I'm Jon Stewart.

I've got my Emmys.

I'm done now.

Well, you started this.

And after I finally
got her over Randy.

The night terrors just stopped.

I was terrified of her at night.

You can sleep
with a cheap Taser now.

I already do.

For the same reason!

Quiet!

The squirrel is sleeping.

We just got him down.

And we'd like to make out.

I spilled a lot of syrup
on myself.

Let's just wake Earl up
and get out of here.

My dad's not coming.

(snoring)

Maybe your dad's
still on his way.

I heard traffic's building up
on all the expressways.

Kind of an ironic name,
wouldn't you say?

"Expressway"?

More like "slow-way."

This is Caroline's thing.

Let's just go.

I want to get back
before Cinnabon

gives away their day-olds.

You know we own
a dessert bar, right?

Maybe he's still gonna come.

If I know one thing about
the man I know nothing about,

he is not coming.

Are you disappointed?

No.

A little.

But maybe it's for the best
he didn't come.

This is why I didn't want
to meet him, because whoever

comes through that door
is just gonna disappoint me.

And this way, I get to imagine
he's someone cool,

like Burt Reynolds

or Captain Crunch.

So you're really okay?

Yeah.

We had a great day.

Road trip, met a cool squirrel.

I don't need another loser
in my life.

I have you guys.

Gary!

Max's father didn't show.

How does that make me feel?

Terrible!

I don't think Han's handling it

as well as I am.

Honestly, if it were my thing,

I would want to kill myself
right now.

She's hurt,
and she's family to me.

How does that make me feel?

Like I should have gone
to an out-of-network doctor!

God, I made Han have a meltdown
on my day off.

You calm down, Gary!

I won't count to ten.

You count to ten, you bastard!

Hey, welcome to the, uh...

hey, uh, what the hell
is this place called, anyway?

Oh, my God.

Dad!

Hold on, Gary.

A vagrant that could very well

be Max's father
just walked in.

Pretend you're my dad,
and I'll give you 40 bucks.

Throw in a joint,
and we have a deal.

Maybe you are my dad.

Oh, no, I don't have kids.

Too much pot.

(laughs)

Guys, this is my dad.

I'm the hot girl's dad.

Was anyone else expecting a cop?

I mean, you know, for the irony.

I'm Caroline.

See, it's, like,
not a bob,

but it's not shoulder-length.

I'm responsible
for this reunion.

Um, he's not really my dad.

I'm doing this for Han.

All right, everybody.

Uh, my dad and I have had

a heartwarming reunion,

and now he has to get to
a secret mission.

In an exotic locale.

Sure.

But I can't leave the county.

Sure.
Local secret mission.

Hey, you seem like a nice kid.

Your father should be proud.

Thanks.

Sorry about the outburst, Gary.

You know it stems
from my mother's expectations.

(exhales)
Thanks for doing this, Han.

Anyone in the hug business?

I didn't even flinch.

We are making progress.

You coming, Earl?

Sure am.

Don't want to get stuck

being a cashier my whole life.

SOPHIE: Oleg, you forgot
the damn squirrel.

Come on, little guy.

We don't abandon anybody.

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