All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s06e15 Turtle Sense

Girls, prepare to be
more obsolete

than you already are.

Which will be hard.

You're one step
above newspapers.

Behold, the future!

Oh, no. I'm still here
in the future?

(mechanical chattering)

Or, Han, your sister's here.

Hello, hola, konichiwa.

I guess now's a good time
to admit

that I ate a bunch of shrooms
and I'm seeing

a robot in a bowtie.

This is a room service robot
that delivers food.

My aunt's Holiday Inn
went belly-up.

I got this and one night stand.

That's the only
one night stand

you're ever gonna get.

Must be a different kind
of room service

than they have at
Tuggington's Hourly Motel.

Where the first tug is free.

(mechanical chattering)

- R2, thank God.

I thought I lost you
when we blew up the Death Star.

Would you like a late check out?

Sorry, toots.
I checked out years ago.

List diner specials.

You have ordered
four adult films.

That's a lie.

I've only ordered three.

Shut down, robot.

Hey! Hey!

This is what happens
when you get a robot for free!

(beeping)

R2, no!

Yoda's our friend!

HAN: Somebody help me!

If that thing could show
cleavage and steal silver wear,

I'd be out of a job.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

I can't wait for our date
either, Bobby.

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.

You hang up first.

No, you hang up--
Oh, he hung up.

I'm liking this guy
more and more.

I know.
Isn't Bobby the cutest?

Not smoking Chinese baby cute,
but not bad.

Max, I'm so excited.

This is the first date
I'll be going on

since Julia Roberts could still
open a romantic comedy.

I'm still pissed at them
for stealing my life story

for "Pretty Woman."

Jason Alexander's character
was totally me.

For our date,
he's thinking of taking me

on an afternoon picnic
in the park.

The pretty one, where you crotch
punched that mime into a pond.

You know the fact
that Bobby's taking you

on a day date
is a bad sign, right?

It probably means he's married.

Or worse, afraid of the dark.

Actually, the day date
was my idea.

You know we're not
married, right?

That's not why I call you
my old lady.

It's cause you write
thank you notes

and use the word jeepers.

Jeepers, Max!

I just figured
if I go out at night,

you'll have to run
the dessert bar alone

and you've never
done that before.

I've also never flossed
my back teeth.

And they're fine
when it's not windy.

I got this.

Hey, girls.

I just thought I'd take a walk
and stretch my knees.

Then I remembered
I don't have any.

Earl, I'm going on
a night date, like a person.

Max will be running the dessert
bar and that'll be fine, right?

Ooh, speaking of disasters,
that reminds me,

I have to return
"Risky Business" to Blockbuster.

When do they close?

2009.

So I still have time.

MAX: Hey, guys, look.
It's a groundhog.

So it's gonna be
an early spring.

No. He saw his shadow
this year.

Know your facts.

Earl, you're supposed to
be in the diner.

I had to ask our shrimp supplier
to cover for you.

I thought your mother
was our shrimp supplier.

Han, I'm going on a night date,
like a person.

Max'll be running the dessert
bar and that'll be fine, right?

Sure, like when I had her
run the diner by herself.

Which never happened
because I'm not a damn fool!

Let's go, Earl.

All right, fine.

I left my knees there, anyway.

Hey, I was, uh--
I was just in the neighborhood

and thought I'd hop on
two subways and a Citi Bike

and come say hi.

A Citi Bike?

Oh, this city gal is flattered.

Jeepers.

Isn't he the cutest?

Oh, not dog running in his sleep
cute, but I'm all right.

Bobby, I have some good news.

I don't want you to think
I'm loose or fast

or whatever the kids say,
but I am available

for a night date,
like a person.

- Hey, really?
That's great.

I usually save my day dates
for my grandma.

She likes a noon dinner.

-I like a noon--
-No.

Since we're going out at night,

I can cancel
all the romantic errands

we were gonna run to the bank

and my dry cleaners.

Now I can take you to a movie.

There's this new theater
that has couches

and waiter service.

Wow.
We work in a restaurant

and we don't have
waiter service.

He has a bank
and clean clothes?

-Caroline, don't screw this up.
- (laughs)

Paging Dr. Pringle,
you're needed in my stomach.

Okay, pop quiz on running
the dessert bar.

What do you do
if a customer chokes?

Look, if I have to cut a hole
in someone's throat,

I'll cut a hole
in someone's throat.

Cutting a hole in people can't
be your answer for everything.

Next one. What do you do
if there's a fire?

Follow up question: did I
or did I not start said fire?

Either way, I'm cutting
a hole in someone.

Okay you failed
this quiz now twice.

Especially the essay portion.

I'm calling Bobby and canceling.

Oh. They're home.

He means, hey, girls.

How did you get
a key to our apartment?

They specifically say on them,

"Do not copy for Oleg."

I find that when you go
in a Home Depot pantless,

they'll do anything
to get you out quick.

We come down here
on our date nights

to pretend we're
two destitute girls

who are sleeping together
for warmth.

Why do you guys come here?

Why don't you go to, like,
I don't know, Olive Garden?

Yeah, this is date night.

Not find an overweight guy
to film us night.

Staying in is a tradition.

You know, in Poland,
you really can't go outside

because of all the wild dogs.

And if it wasn't
for the wolves,

You wouldn't be able
to walk anywhere.

Of course, you still need
your vulture stick.

Speaking of vultures
circling a dead body,

Caroline's got a date tonight.

(laughs)

Oh, my God, Max.
That's a good one.

Say it again.

No, it's not a joke.

I'm really going on a date.

(laughs)

Stop it!
Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna pee.

I'm going to that new movie
theater with couches.

It's like watching at home,
but there isn't a giant spring

poking you in the butt.

Play your cards right,
there will be.

Here you go.
Two Liquor Doodles.

And speaking of
licking her doodle--

No.

What are you doing here?
I thought I left you

at the apartment.

Which is what my abductor said

when I ran into him
at Baskin-Robbins.

Wait, did he work there
or did you just want ice cream?

Because if he worked there,
why would you go--

Anyway, I'm having Bobby
pick me up here

so I can keep my hand
on the fire extinguisher

until we get to our
wherever it is he's taking me.

No. You don't trust me.

You think I'm gonna
mess this place up.

Ah, Caroline gone yet?

'Cause I got us some
high-grade pot--

to turn into the authorities
immediately.

Earl, you go AWOL more often
than Mischa Barton

on a movie set.

What do I have to do
to keep you in that diner?

Well a date with Halle Berry
would be nice.

I also wouldn't hate
minimum wage.

How about
a butterscotch pudding?

That works, too.

That pudding has saved me
thousands over the years.

And who told him about
minimum wage?

Will you just go
on your date already?

-(gasps) Ashley!
-Ashleigh!

(both scream)

both: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.
Sorority sisters?

Max, you hate them.

I mean,
I was a sorority sister.

You look so good!

Shut up, I gained, like,
two pounds.

Oh, you shut up.
You look like you're dying.

Just relax,
I'll take care of them.

And I don't mean
calling my friend Dmitri,

who has his own dumpster.

Oh, sorority sisters, huh?

Epsilon Phis!
And we haven't seen each other

in, like, three days.

Uh, that's pretty obvious.

Let me get you some menus.

Eh? Nobody got hurt.

I'd feel better if your eye
wasn't twitching like that.

Wow, Caroline,
you look beautiful.

Speaking of beautiful,
who built this awesome place?

This guy. I'm going out
with him tonight.

He's cute, too.

Okay, I know you're talking
about me, but I get jealous.

I'm gonna tell you
what I always told my mom:

go out, get plastered
and you don't have to wait

till the morning after
to take the pill.

That's just a name.

It's okay, I took mine
on the way over.

Have fun Max.
Do not have fun. Bye!

(blows raspberry) I can handle
a few sorority girls.

Let me make sure
I still have Dmitri's number.

(gasps) Bunny!

- Ashley! Ashleigh!
(all screaming)

God, they're multiplying.

Oh, you look so good!

-Oh, shut up.
-You shut up!

You guys should really
listen to each other.

Couches in movie theaters?

I feel like Kate Middleton
right now.

I'm glad you're
easily impressed.

For Valentine's Day, I'll take
you to the Super Target cafe.

Well I can't just sit
on that kinda news.

Let me just call Max
and tell her.

Nope, straight to her outgoing
fart message.

Bon soir, everybody.
My name is Marcel,

and I will be the curator
for this evening's

cinematic experience.

The film, which
Owen Gleiberman has hailed,

a Kubrickesque
tour de force,

will be screening in DCP--

Uh, yes? A question
from a fellow cinephile?

Do I have to order
the seasoned fries

separate from the regular ones
or can I just get them mixed?

It's a dollar extra.

I'll be taking orders
once the movie starts.

Whatever.

Hey, great question
about the fries.

I had a follow up
about free refills.

Everything okay?

I was just, um,
checking this place on Yelp.

And to see if the dessert bar
was on the news.

Or engulfed in flames.

Shh.

You saw the dancing hot dog.

No cell phones.

What are you guys doing here?

Did I cover my bed
in "Dexter" tarp for nothing?

We're on a date.

Trying like crazy
not to have sex.

Usually, when the lights go down
in the movie,

so do my pants.

and then, so do I.

And of course we would have
to see a super sexy poster

of Steve Buscemi
in the lobby.

Hi, I'm Bobby.
Nice to meet you.

Sorry, I'm no Steve Buscemi.
I had braces in high school.

You guys brought Barbara
on your date with you?

Of course not.
She's with the babysitter.

We used the carriage
to sneak in our dinner.

Hey, we're not gonna pay
movie chicken prices.

Oleg, tear me off a leg.

(ripping sound)

Good. Yeah.

(siren wailing)

Was that a siren?

Oh,
it's coming from the screen.

The movie's called "Sirens."

I know, but I thought I heard
another one under it

that sounded like it could be
heading for a dessert bar.

Are you not having a good time?

Do you not like movies?

Please tell me
you don't like plays.

No, I'm having a great time.

And please tell me you don't
consider musicals plays.

Hey, I don't wanna
check in on Max

'cause she'll think
I don't trust her.

So can you check in on Max?

Because I really don't
trust her.

Uh, I got chicken hands!

Why don't you ask
your boyfriend to do it?

First, we haven't discussed
labels yet.

And second, I don't want him
to think I'm not having fun.

I'm having so much fun.

I would go to a musical
if it was important to you

I'll do it.

Texting? Out.

And don't come back
until you gain some respect

for the art form.

Who ordered the chili dog
with the nachos on top?

Well it probably all
for the best.

Since you're leaving anyways,

you can check in on Max
in person.

I guess.

Since we're about
to chicken up your bed.

(together)
Epsilon Phi until we die!

Epsilon Phi until we die!

Ah, heard you the first time.
I'm working on it.

(sighs)

Aw, come on, Ashley!

That's something I'd expect
from Ashleigh.

Can you do something?

Uh, uhh.

Hey you, uh, they're trying to
let a poor girl in the sorority.

Who? Is she ugly?

There you go.
See? She's as annoying

as she was five minutes ago.

Now what do you people want?

Um, more shots.

Also, Ashleigh threw up
in Ashley's purse.

Ah, back from
the liquor store.

Sorry I took so long.

I didn't realize
I was at a Pottery Barn.

Well, while I've got
you confused,

How about you
get back to work

and bring out
these drinks for me?

I am not confused.
I realized

I'm a waitress
at this TGIFridays.

Congratulate us!

We've just gone two hours
without having sex.

Which breaks our old record
by pretty close to two hours.

You know, Caroline asked us
to check up on you

because she was worried.

We're not supposed to
tell you that.

But I had to leave
a half a roasted chicken

in the movie theater.

So I am!

Does she have any idea
what I've been through tonight

with these sorority girls?

(chuckles)
For all she knows, I'm sober.

Sorority girls, huh?

I was in a sorority once.

Until they found me.

What's going on?
We've been waiting

for our next round of drinks
for, like, ever.

Wow, Max.

Are you really gonna let
the cast of "Pitch Perfect"

talk to you like that?

People in charge don't punch
sorority girls.

People in charge don't
punch sorority girls.

And can we get separate checks?

Or do they?

Separate checks?
(laughs)

Do I look like
a mathologist to you?

Is that a problem?
'Cause I'd hate to

have to say something on Yelp.

Yelp? Caroline checks that
more than she Googles herself.

Uh, not a problem at all.

Drinks and separate checks--

(laughs) whatever that is--
coming right up!

Thanks! You're the cutest.

No, you are.

Looks like someone's
in the weeds

and not just smoking it
for a change.

Don't just kneel there,
bring these drinks out.

I have to learn all of math
in ten minutes.

All right, I'll stay.

But only because I want you
to see how it feels

when the shoe is on the--

Serve the damn drinks!

She gets it.

How long you been working
at this Fridays, sonny?

Uh, is everything all right?

You've been to the bathroom
nine times.

Are you a drug addict?

"Candy Crush" junkie?

We can deal with it together.

I'm sorry, Bobby, but you know
how turtles can sense

if their turtle best friend
is stuck upside down

on its shell, its turtle legs
all wiggling in the air?

So it is drugs.

Good. "Candy Crush" is tough.

We went through that
with my mom.

It's a killer.
We almost lost our house.

No, Max and I are the turtles.

And I can feel she's trapped
on her back at the dessert bar.

All right, look,
I don't know Max that well.

But I've gotten to
know you a little bit

and you have a really good,

really beautiful head
on your shoulders.

You trusted Max. You should
trust your own instincts.

You're right.
I do have a nice shaped head.

And I'm gonna stop worrying
that she might

-burn the bar down.
-Good. What?

Seriously? I put a ton of work
into that place.

(laughs)

You know what?
This movie sucks.

Let's get out of here
and go get some dessert.

I know a great place.

That is so sweet.

And I was so worried
you'd think I was crazy.

Oh, you're bananas.

But I like bananas.

Not the fruit.
The texture grosses me out.

But you.

I could kiss you for that.

You know,
you actually could.

You're right, I can.

(siren wailing)

Yeah, we should get out of here.

(indistinct chatter)

Hello? It's taking longer than
it took me to almost graduate.

Just hang onto
your hair extensions.

(gasps)

They're obvious?

My turtle sense was right.

Max is on her back and she's not
under a boy turtle.

Maybe she's all right.
I don't smell fire

and everyone's shoulders
are still in their sockets.

Why are separate checks
taking so long?

Can we please get our change?

Um, you put the apps
on Bunny's bill, right?

'Cause she ate the most,
as per ush.

Stop telling people I eat!

Stop telling people
my LSAT scores.

Stop talking!
Now I have to start over.

I have a lot of numbers in
my head and they're all angry.

I have to help her.
Separate checks?

Max calls 13 "ten three."

Caroline, wait. Let her try
and handle this on her own.

Otherwise, we'll never be able
to go on a second date.

But she really nee--

There's gonna be a second date?

Okay, listen up, everybody!

Calm down!

Here's what we're gonna do
instead of separate checks:

I'm not good at math,
but I have been

a negotiations expert
for ten three years.

Ashley, you're gonna get
$6 from Bunny's PayPal account

and she's gonna do your nails.

Bunny, you're gonna
Venmo Amber $20

And she's gonna let you borrow
her gay friend Dave

for your sister's wed.
Everybody good?

You've got ten three minutes
to decide.

We're good.

Okay, problem solved.

Max, that was amazing.

I knew you could do that
on your own.

No you didn't,
you were spying on me.

Her turtle sense went off.

Is it strange that I'm a little
sad that you don't need me?

I didn't say I don't need you,
but you are a little sad.

Earl, it was a pleasure
waiting tables at your side.

You and I have a chemistry
you can't make in a lab.

You have a real strange way
of talking to dudes.

(chuckles)
Uh, hi.

Did you guys know
there are two naked people

eating chicken
off each other in there?

What? I haven't
chicken-proofed those sinks.

All right, I'm closing my eyes
and then I'm coming in.

Isn't he brave?

So did he bravely go
where no man has gone before?

Under your sweater?

No, but we were smooching
in the movie.

(gasps) Shut up!

-No, you shut up.
-No, really,

shut your damn mouth,
I'm exhausted.

(cash register dings)

(rock music)

* *

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