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1
00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,371
Max, we're back.
2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,365
Aw, that sucks.
3
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:07,736
This place didn't burn down
while we were gone,
4
00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:10,375
like I had hoped.
5
00:00:10,411 --> 00:00:14,321
The night is young, and I have
a Roman candle in my pocket.
6
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,548
Hi, welcome to
the Williamsburg diner.
7
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:17,654
Table for two?
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,245
Don't be silly, Earl.
9
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:20,547
It's us, Max and Caroline.
10
00:00:20,588 --> 00:00:23,618
And I'm Earl.
Smoking or nonsmoking?
11
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,826
Glad to have you back.
12
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,330
Max and Caroline!
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,302
You're back from your road trip.
14
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:33,271
And right on time
for yesterday's shift.
15
00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,201
We're also not working today.
16
00:00:35,236 --> 00:00:36,566
Tomorrow's not great either.
17
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,311
Ugh, thank God you're back.
18
00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:44,411
Besides Han, there hasn't been
a girl in here in days, and...
19
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,705
she's not my type.
20
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,717
What is your type?
21
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:50,178
Hepatitis A, B, or C?
22
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:54,215
So what did you bring us?
23
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:56,355
Uh, you guys don't understand.
24
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,190
We got kicked off a riverboat,
25
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,686
almost crashed a plane,
26
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,427
and lost everything we own.
27
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,662
Honestly, it's a miracle
we're alive.
28
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,197
So...no gifts?
29
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:09,735
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
30
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,370
[cash register bell dings]
31
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:15,805
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
32
00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:20,780
Let's get to the dessert bar
33
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,324
so we can see the work they did.
34
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:23,750
Also so people don't think
35
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,324
we're customers here.
36
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,893
I'm excited to see it too,
37
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,720
and now that Randy and I
are really over,
38
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:32,456
I promise to give
the dessert bar my full 5%.
39
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,533
Make it 6%.
40
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:36,602
I mean, what else
am I gonna do, hmm?
41
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:39,168
Stop.
42
00:01:40,834 --> 00:01:42,704
Oleg, stop blocking the door.
43
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:43,896
We're not on a date with you.
44
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,137
We want to see the dessert bar.
45
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,144
Eh, sure,
46
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,705
but before you go in there,
47
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,282
do you want to see
a cute picture
48
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,381
of me, Sophie, and baby Barbara?
49
00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:53,813
Sure.
50
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,347
(both yelling)
51
00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,724
You didn't say it was
in the bathtub.
52
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,164
Well, now that you're annoyed
53
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:03,660
and hopefully
a little impressed...
54
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:04,561
Mm-mm.
55
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:05,462
I can tell you
56
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,763
I had to fire your contractor.
57
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,834
BOTH: What?
58
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,261
I thought I could do
a better job.
59
00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,627
BOTH: What?
-I couldn't.
60
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,243
I can't believe Oleg!
61
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,168
How the hell could he let
a complete stranger...
62
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,844
(both gasp)
63
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,371
Do such an amazing job?
64
00:02:20,408 --> 00:02:21,638
Wow.
65
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,535
Wait, we're still killing Oleg,
though, right?
66
00:02:23,577 --> 00:02:26,147
'Cause the wheels are already
in motion.
67
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,851
Oh, my God, look at the doors.
68
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,722
(gasps)
And the molding?
69
00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,951
And the sconces?
70
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,816
I don't remember
what an orgasm is like,
71
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:36,885
but I think I might be
having one.
72
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:38,464
Hey, girls.
73
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,932
Welcome home.
74
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,760
Baby Barbara thought
you were dead.
75
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,867
Isn't that funny?
76
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:49,439
Not "Vince Vaughn doing drama"
funny, but what is?
77
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:53,844
Wow, Barbara got so big
while we were gone.
78
00:02:53,874 --> 00:02:56,714
Oh, shh!
79
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,654
You got to give her a break,
'cause she got
80
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,549
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
81
00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:03,822
By the way, Sophie, thank you
for watching our horse
82
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:04,891
while we were gone.
83
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,448
He's my favorite roommate.
84
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:07,787
Aww, well, you know what,
85
00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,361
that's what friends are for.
86
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:11,690
And I'm sure you would
do the same for me
87
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,385
if I needed a favor.
88
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:15,957
-Of course we would.
-Good, 'cause I need a favor.
89
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:17,496
Yeah, see,
90
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,501
I joined this mommy
support group, you know,
91
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:23,574
to make sure that I'm holding
the baby up right,
92
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,014
or you know,
93
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,908
that I don't get too jealous
94
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,310
when people compliment her.
95
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,884
The standard mom stuff.
96
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,423
So what's the favor?
97
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,448
I'll do anything up to
a Class B felony.
98
00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:37,894
I still have one strike left.
99
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:40,318
Well, I'm hosting,
100
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:42,924
and there are gonna be a lot
of sloppy babies there,
101
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:46,886
so I'm looking for a real dump.
102
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:49,597
Can I use your place?
103
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,430
-Aww.
-Sophie, I don't think--
104
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:53,665
(laughs)
Thank you, girls.
105
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:55,001
Yeah, you're the best,
106
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:58,705
no matter what baby Barbara
tells her friends.
107
00:04:01,375 --> 00:04:03,775
I thought Barbara liked me.
108
00:04:03,811 --> 00:04:05,551
I'm gonna text her.
109
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:10,046
Oh, hey.
I'm Bobby.
110
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,493
I did the work on your bar.
111
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,019
You must be Max and Caroline.
112
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,364
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
113
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:18,631
(stammering)
114
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,429
-I mean--
-Yeah, let's just move past it.
115
00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,361
Uh, we're who you said.
116
00:04:22,396 --> 00:04:23,496
Well, I hope you like it.
117
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:24,501
The only guidance I got
118
00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:25,602
was from your friend Oleg,
119
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:27,543
who just kept saying "sluttier."
120
00:04:27,568 --> 00:04:30,438
And then he showed me
a picture of him in the bathtub.
121
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:34,042
You did an amazing job.
122
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,014
I mean, what you did
with those knobs.
123
00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:38,553
Polished brass.
124
00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:41,379
Looks like you want to
polish his brass.
125
00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,915
And how do you like the satin
on the sconces?
126
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,891
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
127
00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:47,759
My knees are wiggling.
128
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:48,758
You like that?
129
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,529
-And the finish on the molding?
-Oh, love it!
130
00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,889
I think she's about to finish
on the molding.
131
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,669
You're the only man
who knew what I wanted
132
00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,398
without me having to tell him
three times
133
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:01,073
and then give up.
134
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,341
Hey, great.
135
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:03,800
I'll tell the boss you liked it.
136
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,767
"Bobby, you did it again."
137
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:06,966
In case you missed it,
I'm the boss.
138
00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,407
(laughing)
139
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:10,513
See, 'cause he's the boss,
140
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,684
so he was telling himself.
141
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,423
It's too many levels for her.
142
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,419
Hey, um, listen,
I should probably get going,
143
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,791
but if you need anything else,
144
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:20,890
you can call me.
145
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,421
Or my boss.
Anytime.
146
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:26,857
Well, I might just have to
call you both.
147
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,534
Ciao!
148
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,527
"Ciao"?
149
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,566
Unless you're gonna say "mein"
after that,
150
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,442
I don't know what
you're talking about.
151
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,070
He's really cute.
152
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:39,765
Oh, you think so?
153
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,737
You were playing it pretty cool,
Maroline.
154
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:42,735
(laughs)
155
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:48,122
(all laughing)
156
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,948
Ooh, oops.
157
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,453
Oh, don't worry,
158
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:52,845
you can ruin everything in here.
159
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:53,946
I don't care.
160
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,017
(laughing)
161
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,056
I do.
162
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:59,690
I just scrubbed the couch.
163
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:02,857
How much longer
do we have to stay in here?
164
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:06,096
Caroline's talking about
a third grade field trip.
165
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:09,573
I got lost in Toronto.
166
00:06:09,603 --> 00:06:11,413
Girls, ignore them.
167
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,109
Society does.
168
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,140
Yeah.
169
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:17,014
Uh, so where are your babies?
170
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,184
Out parking the car?
171
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,051
(laughs)
172
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,950
See, I don't let Barbara
drive yet.
173
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,753
Should I?
174
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,189
We don't bring 'em
to the meetings.
175
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,621
They ruin everything.
176
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,117
Starting with our vaginas.
177
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,628
Oh, yeah,
178
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,890
my husband ruined mine
179
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:34,957
on my first date.
180
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:38,725
(laughing)
181
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,496
See--well, see, I thought
182
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,744
that a mother's group,
you know, you--
183
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:44,510
you talk about your babies.
184
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,938
Wouldn't they love that?
185
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,544
No, this is for us to--
186
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,836
to trade pills and get trashed
187
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,908
and fantasize about
Gone Girl-ing our husbands.
188
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:57,947
Oh, my God,
I'm doing everything wrong.
189
00:06:57,985 --> 00:07:01,885
Yeah, just like the '84 Olympics
all over again.
190
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,192
(knocking at door)
191
00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,593
What's up, sluts?
192
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,200
Ugh, there's a baby here?
193
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,458
If I weren't already stoned,
194
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:12,667
I'd drive somewhere else.
195
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,230
My bad.
196
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,597
Yeah, see,
197
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,536
I thought we were gonna
198
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:19,471
compare notes on bedtimes
199
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,507
and how asleep a baby has to be
200
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,212
to have sex in front of it.
201
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,813
You have sex
with your trainer too?
202
00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:29,017
Should I?
203
00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:34,686
Seeing what you girls did
to the dessert bar
204
00:07:34,722 --> 00:07:38,032
inspired me to make
some improvements around here.
205
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,158
Don't tell me you found a way
206
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,032
to unstick the menus
from the tables.
207
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:44,201
Whoa, one step at a time.
208
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,501
I did give this place
more of a facelift
209
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:49,504
than Brad Pitt in preparation
for the movie Allied.
210
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:52,207
Yeah, Han, this place
looks exactly the same.
211
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,009
My suicide note is still
scrawled on the wall.
212
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:58,812
Yeah, it looks like the same old
post office to me.
213
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,106
It's not a freakin' post office!
214
00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:05,593
Max, we should really
get over to the dessert bar.
215
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,789
Bobby's on his way to look
at those gorgeous sconces
216
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,262
I am very unhappy with.
217
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:12,590
Why do you have to use
the dessert bar
218
00:08:12,626 --> 00:08:13,856
as an excuse to see him?
219
00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,204
If you like him,
why don't you just say,
220
00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,528
"Hey, you're cute.
Want to see my horse?"
221
00:08:17,565 --> 00:08:20,965
Because a lady
waits for a gentleman
222
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,601
to ask to see her horse.
223
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,736
I don't know what ladies
you're hanging out with.
224
00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,612
Apparently none.
225
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,180
(phone chimes)
Ooh!
226
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,538
Bobby's at the dessert bar.
227
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:30,907
Let me just change
into something
228
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,084
a little more comfortable.
229
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,212
Why are you making this
so complicated?
230
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:36,147
Why don't you just say,
"Let's get drinks
231
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,053
to make the sex less awkward?"
232
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,861
Or you could do that.
233
00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:50,163
Oh, hi, Bobby, I forgot
you were stopping by.
234
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:54,067
She thought she was hosting
Wheel of Fortune in here.
235
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,641
I'd buy a vowel from her.
236
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:59,140
Well, it would be two As.
237
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:01,944
Uh...
238
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,775
oh, uh, what did you want
to show me?
239
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:06,581
Apparently a little side boob.
240
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:07,654
This sconce.
241
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,051
I noticed that if I put
242
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,722
all the force of my body
against it,
243
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:12,752
it moves a little.
244
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,786
See?
245
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:16,262
(grunting)
246
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:18,931
Ugh, I--
247
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:20,159
I must have jammed it into place
248
00:09:20,193 --> 00:09:22,333
while I was testing
its virility.
249
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,032
I mean, stability.
250
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,204
Ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
251
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,066
See?
Told you it was loose.
252
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,314
I guess I have stick around
as long as it takes
253
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,610
until it's fixed.
254
00:09:34,642 --> 00:09:38,012
Oh, good, because
I wouldn't feel safe
255
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:41,345
pulling aggressively
on anything until you do.
256
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:42,951
Caroline!
257
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:44,793
We got to get to the hospital.
258
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,048
Oh, no, I'm fine.
259
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,216
Bobby caught me.
260
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,964
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
261
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,830
I just got a call saying Randy
was in an accident in Manhattan.
262
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,090
He must have been coming
to see me.
263
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,697
Just when I thought it was over,
264
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:59,629
he ropes me back in with
a life-threatening emergency.
265
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:00,827
How bad is he?
266
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,398
Because these sconces
267
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,835
won't be able to wear this dress
again tomorrow.
268
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:07,042
All I know is that it's serious,
and they called me
269
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:08,944
'cause I'm the emergency contact
on his phone.
270
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:11,136
Okay. I'll be back
as fast as I can.
271
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,208
I'll work as slow as I can.
272
00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,746
I won't tell your boss...
'cause he's the--
273
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,083
I get it.
Let's go.
274
00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,293
Oh, he's still alive.
275
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,121
Oh, thank God his face
isn't hurt.
276
00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,186
And--one, two, three,
four, five, six.
277
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:26,755
Yep, they're all there.
278
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,134
Why is his shirt always off?
279
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:32,132
He's like Kirsten Dunst
in a dramatic role.
280
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,665
Well, I had to take
his shirt off, because--
281
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:37,712
well, 'cause you know,
he broke his leg.
282
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:39,208
This is a private room.
283
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,739
You ladies can't be in here.
284
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:42,714
I'm his emergency contact, Max.
285
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,883
I'll take the rest
of his clothing off from here.
286
00:10:44,912 --> 00:10:46,282
And can you get me a straw
287
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:49,253
so we can share this
morphine drip mai tai style?
288
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:50,782
You girls have two minutes,
289
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,188
and remember,
this is a hospital,
290
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,119
so no messing around.
291
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,994
Ooh, that's my coconut oil.
292
00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,055
Coconut oil?
293
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,832
Great, now he's edible.
294
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,301
Oh, my God, Max.
295
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:05,729
This is very
An Affair to Remember.
296
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:07,996
I'm more of a Quickie to Forget
kind of girl.
297
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:11,435
No, that Randy came all the way
to New York to see you
298
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,271
and then got into
a tragic accident
299
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:16,036
and now here you are
at his bedside.
300
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:18,976
Max, I don't want
to get ahead of myself,
301
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,082
but we might both
have boyfriends.
302
00:11:21,114 --> 00:11:25,924
Double date dance?
303
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:27,493
Max?
304
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,460
What are you doing here?
305
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,590
Where's my shirt?
306
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:34,464
When did Caroline start hosting
Wheel of Fortune?
307
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:36,504
Ah, that's what I said!
308
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,469
Um, I got the call
that you were hurt,
309
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:39,498
so I came right over,
310
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,502
and as for your shirt,
311
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:41,403
I think the nurses
312
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,474
are making a pillow husband
out of it.
313
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,874
Hi, Randy,
sorry you broke your leg,
314
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:47,907
but great news.
315
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:49,941
I like someone.
316
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:51,077
Oh, that's right.
317
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,351
You're still
my emergency contact.
318
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:54,180
I'm sorry.
319
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:57,354
I never switched it back
to my trainer.
320
00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,194
What happened?
Was it a runaway hot dog cart?
321
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:01,960
Because that is
my worst nightmare...
322
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:05,829
besides having my credit card
declined at Kohl's.
323
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,359
But I lived through it.
324
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,965
I got hit by a cab
on my way to JFK.
325
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:12,999
You mean you got hit by a cab
326
00:12:13,033 --> 00:12:15,103
on your way from JFK.
327
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,765
You were in New York
to see me, right?
328
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,944
Track me down,
beg me to take you back,
329
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:21,142
pull my hair a little?
330
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,014
No, I was--I was leaving.
331
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,443
Leaving? But you hadn't--
332
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,307
Do you know what?
333
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:26,445
The accident must have
334
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,419
given him that
"to-and-from-lexia."
335
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,449
I think Whoopi Goldberg has it.
336
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,254
Time's up, ladies.
Patient needs a sponge bath.
337
00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:36,557
He's got coconut oil
all over him.
338
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,959
Hey, Max, wait.
339
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,861
She just got here.
Didn't she?
340
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,503
Told ya. He's got that
"come-and-go-heimers."
341
00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,199
Whoopi writes all about it
in her book.
342
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:46,531
It's very hard to follow.
343
00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,536
Max, these are like pajamas
344
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,845
for couples
who don't care anymore.
345
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,876
Speak for yourself.
346
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,824
These puppies care a lot.
347
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:05,551
Oh, good, they're all gone.
348
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:08,315
They left me zero room
to sign his cast.
349
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,915
I want to get back
to the dessert bar
350
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,187
while Bobby's still there
351
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,564
and possibly working up
a little sweat.
352
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,433
Go ahead.
I'll punch you out.
353
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:16,862
But if you keep leaving early,
354
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,027
they're gonna make you
work Christmas.
355
00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,995
Nurse, we need
all hands on deck.
356
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,403
We've got a 41 in here,
357
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,074
and he's a squirter.
358
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,343
You--you're up, girl.
I had the last one.
359
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,220
"Dear Randy,
Nice ass.
360
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,318
Nurse Barb."
361
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,849
Well, that is good.
362
00:13:42,890 --> 00:13:44,360
-Max.
-(exclaims)
363
00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,956
I didn't wake you, did I?
364
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,255
But now that you're up,
why are you in New York?
365
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,927
You said you were
on your way to the airport
366
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,126
when you got hurt?
367
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,197
I was.
368
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,606
So you weren't here to see me.
369
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:01,568
No, I was trying not to see you.
370
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:03,478
Wow.
371
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,340
I'm leaving.
372
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:05,607
Max.
373
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:07,975
Ow.
374
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,545
You broke up with me.
375
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:12,252
That time over the phone?
376
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,515
You took that seriously?
That's insane.
377
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:18,394
The "This is a cry for
attention" was implied.
378
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,425
What I heard was,
"This isn't enough for me,"
379
00:14:21,461 --> 00:14:23,531
and since we can't make it work,
it just--it's--
380
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,003
it's too hard for me to see you.
381
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:26,432
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I heard what you said
382
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,496
on the movie set.
383
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:29,965
In Texas?
384
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:31,913
How'd you hear
what I said on set?
385
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,539
(scoffs)
I was a zombie extra.
386
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:35,683
Grow up.
387
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,178
That was you.
388
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,180
Everyone said I was crazy
because I thought
389
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:41,112
I saw you and Caroline on set.
390
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,678
My therapist put me
on antidepressants.
391
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,216
Yeah, well, joke's on them,
392
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,922
'cause it really was me
hanging there.
393
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,224
Max, that's crazy.
394
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,985
Why didn't you say something
when you saw me?
395
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,933
Because you said
you were in a good place
396
00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:54,129
and you want to move on,
blah, blah, blah.
397
00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:55,531
And I don't want
to hurt you anymore.
398
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:58,632
But now I want to break
your other leg.
399
00:14:58,665 --> 00:14:59,995
Max, look at us.
400
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:02,403
I ran to the airport
and got hit by a cab
401
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,165
trying to get out of here
402
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,273
because I was tempted
to see you.
403
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:09,475
And you broke into a hospital
not to steal drugs.
404
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:12,179
Maybe this relationship
is bad for us.
405
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:15,722
CAROLINE:
There's just so much squirt!
406
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:18,948
Definitely for Caroline.
407
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,519
I miss you.
408
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,186
I miss you too.
409
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:28,555
Then let's stop being crazy.
410
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,625
Move to LA.
411
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,302
You know, six years ago,
412
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:34,202
I would've done that
in a heartbeat.
413
00:15:34,234 --> 00:15:36,604
I would've thrown
my bubblegum cigs
414
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,436
and my nunchucks
in a Safeway bag
415
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:40,441
and been your lady.
416
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:43,143
But it's different now.
I'm different.
417
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:44,276
I care about something,
418
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:48,751
and I have people
who count on me.
419
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,721
I've built a life here.
420
00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,150
Damn it.
421
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:57,316
Max, you know I can't leave
my firm in LA.
422
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:02,561
So what happens now?
423
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:04,095
I think we kiss good-bye.
424
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,198
Mm-mm.
425
00:16:10,237 --> 00:16:12,607
Hmm, I think that might
set us back.
426
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,469
I mean, you're already in a bed,
427
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,077
and these pants
come off real easy.
428
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,239
I think you know that.
429
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,607
Oh, yeah.
I forgot.
430
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:23,216
How about a hug?
431
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:24,620
Hmm.
432
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,621
You really trust yourself
against the girls?
433
00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:31,124
Not even remotely.
434
00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:32,228
How about a handshake?
435
00:16:32,259 --> 00:16:34,229
There's nothing less sexual.
436
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,331
Okay, but two pumps
and we're out.
437
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:39,073
I can't not make it sexual.
438
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,237
You smell nice.
439
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,484
I've got a lot of jerky
in my pocket.
440
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,312
Good news is,
441
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,776
I saved a man's life.
442
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,375
Bad news is,
443
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,487
I left a ring inside him.
444
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:05,386
Here's your flan-tini
445
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,495
and a side of a bottle
of tequila.
446
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,632
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
447
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:15,604
I mean, she doesn't have kids.
448
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:17,135
Well, I did like this guy Bobby,
449
00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,840
but then I had to go
with Max to see Randy,
450
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,541
and I got squirted on,
451
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,683
and I didn't get back in time
to see him and possibly
452
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,179
missed a chance
at a lifetime of happiness.
453
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,182
Too much talking
from the waitress.
454
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,452
(clears throat)
455
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:31,553
Uh, ladies,
456
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,094
are all of the daddies
457
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,550
still in the picture?
458
00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,087
'Cause I can't shimmy
down a fire escape
459
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:38,794
like I used to.
460
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,185
That's so funny.
461
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,257
If my doorman drops out
of the rotation,
462
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:43,425
I'll give you a call.
463
00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:47,433
Uh, let me give you
my beeper number.
464
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,167
Yep!
465
00:17:49,202 --> 00:17:52,612
I'm really having a blast
with my mom friends.
466
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:57,239
Do you have an aspirin,
or a sledgehammer?
467
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:59,107
Why do you want to hang out
with these ladies?
468
00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:00,176
They're mean.
469
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,783
One of them tried to trip me.
470
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:05,124
Yeah, that was me.
471
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,752
Yeah, I--I was trying
to impress them.
472
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:09,316
Sophie, I wished my mom
cared enough about me
473
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:10,886
to curl my baby eyelashes
474
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,563
like you do for Barbara.
475
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,462
Or just to intervene
476
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:16,463
when a neighborhood dog
took me away.
477
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:17,656
Sophie,
478
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,227
your text wasn't clear.
479
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,336
Should Barbara wear the leopard
onesie with the jean hat
480
00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:24,639
or the jean onesie
with the leopard hat?
481
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,641
Also, I can't find
any of her toe rings.
482
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,884
Sophie, are you secretly caring
for your baby
483
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:33,780
while we're having mom's group?
484
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:34,683
You know what?
485
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,284
Fine.
486
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,716
Fine, I love my kid.
487
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:39,690
Well, why don't you marry her?
488
00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:42,419
Should I?
489
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,355
No.
490
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:45,190
No, 'cause I'm a good mom,
491
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,355
and a good mom
doesn't marry her baby!
492
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,895
At least not in this country.
493
00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,630
Let's go, baby.
494
00:18:56,736 --> 00:19:00,566
Well, Meghan's dog walker gave
her some cat tranquilizers.
495
00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:04,507
Why don't we go try those
in the Target parking lot?
496
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,484
Ugh, I can't wait to be a mom
497
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,823
so I can get
the good cat tranqs.
498
00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:13,789
You know they didn't pay, right?
499
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,760
Hey, uh...
500
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,728
sorry to barge in, but I can't
stop thinking about--
501
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:20,428
Her boo-tay?
502
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:24,934
Uh, well, that table
is really unsteady.
503
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:26,204
If my boss knew,
504
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,303
I'd be furious.
505
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:28,974
I know, right?
506
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,401
I thought it was just me,
507
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,267
but I mean, look at it, I--
508
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,535
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
509
00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:34,673
I mean...
510
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,907
(both grunting)
511
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,412
Rock steady.
512
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:39,784
Perfect, actually.
513
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:42,322
Damn it.
514
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,919
You can't think of anything else
that needs to be fixed?
515
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,220
No, and it's really annoying.
516
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,793
You know what else is annoying?
517
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,420
You two not jammin'.
518
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:53,387
You like each other.
What's the problem?
519
00:19:53,426 --> 00:19:54,556
-So you like me?
-Yeah.
520
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,304
-Okay, so I should call--
-Yes.
521
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,299
Good, 'cause I was this close
to calling my cousins
522
00:19:58,331 --> 00:20:00,531
to come in and tear
this place apart.
523
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:02,297
-I'm gonna call you.
-Ciao mein.
524
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,635
-What?
-Nothing.
525
00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,406
Wow, look at you.
526
00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:09,481
I'm gonna have to
put the brakes on that
527
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,639
40-Year-Old-Virgin sequel.
528
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:14,348
I'm sorry I'm happy
when you're not happy.
529
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,751
I am happy...
530
00:20:15,782 --> 00:20:17,322
for you.
531
00:20:17,350 --> 00:20:18,850
I know you said you didn't
want to talk about it,
532
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:21,245
but why don't you just go to LA
to be with Randy?
533
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:22,988
(scoffs)
534
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,722
I can't go to LA.
535
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,627
I mean, there's too much
stuff here
536
00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,460
they don't have there, like...
537
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,296
the Statue of Liberty.
538
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,431
You know she's my girl.
539
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,865
You never want to go.
540
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:36,341
And she invited us
when she said,
541
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:37,869
"Bring us your poor."
542
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,614
Plus, where would I find weed
in California?
543
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,280
I mean, the list goes on and on.
544
00:20:45,545 --> 00:20:47,445
I wouldn't leave you either.
545
00:20:47,495 --> 00:20:52,045
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