All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s06e09 About FaceTime

All right, we're going from

the condemned building
where we work

to the condemned building
where we live.

-Do you have a moment for--
-I'm sorry,

I don't speak English.

Max, there's
a do-gooder outside

raising money for charity.

Probably something like
OCD pandas

or owls that say "whom."

Another one?
I miss the days

when you could just walk outside
and your biggest fear

was getting stabbed
in the neck.

Okay, no one panic.

Remember, they can't come inside
unless they're invited.

Oh, wait.
That's vampires and me.

I can't wait around, y'all.

I'm going on a bar crawl
with Lionel Richie

and Lionel,
he's all about punctuality.

Otherwise, hello?
It's me he'll be looking for.

-Earl, no!
-Excuse me, sir,

do you have a minute for--

Rest in peace, Earl.

Taken seconds before his time.

Come on, let's go out
through the kitchen.

There's another one out back!

I threw a garbage can
in front of her,

but it only made her
more cheerful!

Earl, what happened out there?
Is she gone?

Don't worry.
Everything's okay.

Unless you are
the North American honey bee.

Oh, no, they got to Earl!

Look here:
for only $19 a month--

Everybody run.

Or just walk
at a moderately fast pace.

No, you see, the American honey
bee needs a little sympathy--

Have a nice day.

(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

(cash register bell dings)

* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Mmm, cookies and whiskey.

My favorite after-school snack.

Loving that we turned
your childhood trauma

into a thriving business.

Now if we could just cash in
on your years in juvie.

It'll come to me.

(tablet ringing)

Ooh, gotta get that.

It's either Randy

or Han clicked "Find my iPad."

(laughs)
(tablet beeps)

Hey, Max.
Wanted to call you

before you opened
the dessert bar.

You know, while you're still
a little sober.

Hey, Randy! How was the gym?
It was back and bi's, right?

Well, you should know,
you set up my iCal.

Hey, Max, did you get
my text about tonight?

(gasps) No, we didn't get it,
did we?

Um, I think he just
sent it to my phone

since I'm the only one of us
dating him.

Let me look.

Abs, abs, pecs, penis--
oh, here it is.

Yeah, I'd be down for
a face-to-FaceTime movie night.

Ooh, anyone in the mood for
something Brendan Fraser-y?

Not even
Brendan Fraser's parents.

Well, I'm not watching anything
unless someone

gets kicked in the nuts
in the trailer.

It can be a woman, I'm open.

Well, I'm not.

You know what?

I have an idea.

How about I set you up
with someone?

I think I have
the perfect guy for you.

A gay guy who doesn't mind
loud chewing?

Um, I'm sorry my teeth
aren't as soft as yours.

Tyler's an
up-and-coming associate

at our New York office.

And I'm pretty sure
he's my Secret Santa.

Don't pity set me up.

I like to think
I'm above that.

But I'm not!
I'm in.

Hey, girls.

Raise your hand if
you're super depressed today.

Don't engage.

Just ignore him

like he ignores the word "no."

Did someone just say, "Yes"?

Randy, I have to
call you back.

There's a sexual predator
that needs my attention.

Hey, Oleg.

What's up, R-Dog?
Can I talk to you man-to-man

about a pretty serious--

Bye, guys!

(tablet beeps)

(sighs)

together: What?

Sophie wants me to get rid of

my beloved Toyota Yaris.

That car is a part of me.

It is the yin to my wang.

What if we just cement the door
to the diner closed?

Oleg, Han is looking
for you, man.

And he's really mad because...

well, that's when
I stopped listening.

Sorry, Earl, what'd you say?

I stopped listening
after you said "Han."

We would need
a very strong cement.

Like, brick with
cement over it.

Oleg, did you really think
you could pass this off as you?

You don't wear glasses.

I thought there was something
different about you.

I've never seen people
work so hard at not working.

(car horn honks)

Hey, everybody!

Take a look at my sweet ride.

It's a minivan.

I've been test driving
this bad boy

with this other bad boy
all day.

For six hours.
We went through

every Wendy's drive-thru
in Queens.

I wrote "Help me" on a napkin.

But nobody did.

I wanted to see if all seven
of the cup holders worked.

And now we can
drink Diet Coke as a family.

You want me to give up
my sexy Yaris for a minivan?

Why don't I just drive around
in a uterus with wheels?

I'm not asking you
to buy a Prius.

Oleg, all we have to do now
is sell the Yaris.

Are you allowed
to sell evidence?

Okay, Jose, you can show me
how it corners

on the way back to Coney Island.

Then can I please go home?

(laughs)
This guy's hilarious.

He's been saying that all day.

Tyler, hi.
I'm so sorry we're late.

Someone jumped
in front of our subway car.

I keep telling you
to stop doing that.

There was a coupon
for a free falafel on the track.

You must be Max.

Guilty as charged.

But never convicted.

And you must be Caroline.

Wow, you are even prettier

than your Facebook pictures
I definitely wasn't

trolling through.

I do what I can
with a shadeless lamp

and an iPhone 2.

(laughs)

You're waiting for one more?

Uh, nope.
My boyfriend's in my purse.

Well, my boyfriend's
a poster of Tom Hardy,

but this is sadder.

Hey, Randy.

You look nice tonight.

It's the "hefe" filter.

Are these prices?
'Cause they're all two numbers.

Don't worry, it's on me.

Can we have a kids menu?

My girl may want
noodles and butter.

Oh, does this guy
know me or what?

I think you'll really enjoy
the lobster quesadilla.

Oh, I love tapas.

Well, have you ever been
to Barcelona?

On the way to Ibiza!

(both laugh)

Yeesh.

Remind me to never
go to France.

Hey, you mind if I put
a puppy face on you

while we do this?

You haven't yet?
I assumed I had a snout.

All right, let me see
what I'm gonna have for dinner.

Either Cookie Crisp
or Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

You have both?
I love dating a rich guy.

Hey, Caroline.
You know Tyler spends

his weekends
at the soup kitchen?

That is so sweet.

So do we.

Best hot dog beans
in the city.

We're holding hands.

Ooh.

(Caroline chuckles)

Yeah, I'll just have
a roll instead.

(tablet beeps)

Uh-oh.
My boyfriend is dying!

Hi, um, he's at 3%.

Can I, uh,
plug my date in anywhere?

There's an outlet
on the wall right there.

Huh.
Heck yeah.

Scusi.

Ehh.

Hello.

Mind if I put my wine here
while I charge my man?

You guys are so much cooler
than the last couple

we were on a double date with.

Speaking of which,
looks like our third wheel

found a guy to make out with.

Wow, people can be
so inappropriate.

(spits)
Ugh!

You guys didn't tell me
there was fennel in these!

I say we just call it a night.

Yeah. Ugh.
This was a swing and a miss.

Um, you know you're smiling.

This is about the time of day
you start weeping

and saying "Why me?"
at the ceiling.

I am smiling, Max.

Kissing Tyler last night
awoke something in my loins.

Loins?
That was out of loin.

And now I need to be aloin.

So do I.
Tonight, I'm making Tyler

a romantic dinner
in our apartment.

Also, do we have
a second plate?

Yes, I keep it in our limousine,
Your Majesty.

And I'll tell you what I tell
you any time

a guy smiles at you and you
start planning your wedding.

I'll have the chicken
and the fish.

You've made your order clear.

But this isn't about that.
This is about Stella

getting her groove back.

Maybe it should be about
updating your references.

Stella's 90 now.

All she wants back
is her mobility.

Max, I haven't had sex in...

You don't have to
whisper, girl.

We all know
it's coming up on two years.

That you hear?

I yelled "Help"
into your face

for an hour yesterday.

Say what?

Max, I don't want
a relationship.

I just wanna break me off
a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

You know, sexually.

Don't drag Kit Kats into this.

Who got Kit Kat?

I hope Tyler knows
"I'm making you dinner"

is code for "I'm DTML."

Down to make love.

And I'm down to
my last conversation with you

for saying "making love."

But I'm happy for you, girl.

I'm also happy for Earl,
'cause he had two years

in the "Will Caroline Ever
Have Sex Again?" pool.

-What did you have?
-I wasn't in the pool.

-Aw, thank you.
-I just ran it.

And I will say,
seeing you and Tyler

make out in a public place
was kind of a--

-Turn on?
-No.

-Erotic awakening?
-No, it had nothing

to do with you.

It made me realize I haven't
actually laid lips on Randy

since we decided to be
in a relationship again.

So tell him to fly here.

Maybe you can stay at a hotel.

'Cause I may need your bed.

If I put too much
pressure on mine,

it flips back into the wall.

Yeah.
I do miss him.

And I'm kind of sick
of licking my iPad.

Know what I mean?

No.
That's how long it's been.

Hey, everybody!

Ah.
Baby Barbara loves that.

(giggling)

Oh, we got good news.

And it's not just 'cause the guy
selling the VHS pornos outside

asked if we were sisters.

I have some good news, too.

I'm gonna have sex tonight.

If you know what I mean.

Oh, no.

I lost the pool.

Yeah, I said ten years.

And that's only 'cause "never"
was already taken.

Sophie, I haven't been able
to sell the Yaris.

Looks like we're gonna have to
keep it forever.

I tried, for only, like an hour.

But I tried.

Oh, Oleg.
Yeah, well, the good news is,

you don't have to worry
about selling it.

Good, I didn't try.

Ah, 'cause I already sold it!

What?

Oh, no.
It's like you've just

taken my manhood from me.

Okay, I can't hold this in
any longer.

Who had "never"?

I did.

Hey, Sophie,
at least tell me

you sold it to a stud who will
carry on my sexual legacy.

Guess who's the owner
of a 2008 Yaris?

Oh, this is tougher to take than
the success of a close friend.

Luckily we have my sexcapades
to lift everyone's spirits.

I'm gonna go stick my Garfield
to the back window.

Oh, that car was magic.

And now, the only tail
my Yaris will ever see again

belongs to a lasagna-eating cat!

What did Randy say?
Did you tell him

I'm gonna have
a horizontal hoedown?

He was on your email blast.

He's coming tomorrow night.

But don't worry, I'll get out of
the apartment tonight.

I'll find a pick-up
stick ball game or something.

Okay, now who do I give my $5 to
for the pool?

You know what?
I think I'm gonna hold onto it

till it actually happens.

Ooh, fancy.

You got all the kinds
of cheeses.

White, yellow, orange.

Uh-buh-buh!
Whatever he doesn't eat

is our lunch for the week.

Well, I'll be back
in a few hours.

I'd say break a leg,
but you're so out of practice,

you just might.

Thanks, Max.
I really need this.

I'll try to text you
when it's over.

I'll know when it's over,
right?

Yeah, he'll leave immediately.

(knocking at door)

I believe that's
my FedSex delivery.

Godspeed.

And thank you
for your service.

Hey.

Hey.

-Hey.
-Hey.

That's enough small talk.

Unbelievable!

Randy just canceled!

He can't leave L.A.
'cause of "work stuff."

And now my phone died, so I
can't Google ways to kill him.

I'll have to do it
from memory.

Ugh, I need to charge this.

Oh, that is so rude of me.

Do you guys need this outlet?

-Olive?
-I'm allergic.

It's gone.

So, what's the main course?

(giggles)
Me: the other white meat.

That sounds great,
but maybe some crackers first.

Your text did say,
"Come hungry."

And thirsty!

Well, I'm always thirsty,
'cause I'm an alcoholic.

(laughs)
That's so funny.

I don't even care
if you're not kidding.

MAX: I'm just mad
you're not coming.

I'm not yelling!

I am angrily whispering
because my phone

still isn't charged, and
Caroline's in the other room

trying to remember
how to have sex.

She's kidding.

Nothing's changed, right?

I think there's more choking
now, but it's not my thing.

All right,
my phone's at 23%.

I'm gonna go steal a car
and finish charging it.

Okay, see you in the morning,
not before, bye.

(cell phone rings)

It's Randy.
I'm not getting it.

Hm, you and me both, sister.

Okay, that should do it.

Good-bye, Randy.

(cell phone rings)

It's Randy.

Don't you dare get it.

Max, please don't
threaten my date.

He's not a kid
with a McFlurry.

I kinda have to get this.
He's sort of my boss.

And he doesn't know it yet,
but he's my Secret Santa.

I'm warning you,
she's not having sex with you

if you answer that.

Uh, hello!

Who are you trying
to punish here?

All right.
The phone stopped ringing.

Everybody calm down.

You did not vacuum your bed
for nothing.

I mean, you can't be
too mad at Randy,

given the situation
between you two.

What situation?

-Oh, no.
-Is there a bathroom here?

This whole place is a bathroom.
Start talking.

You know,
you choosing your business

over seeing where things
could go with you two.

Kinda.

Am I still talking?

Max, please don't hit him
in his sex parts,

which, if I remember correctly,
is in his winkle.

Continue, Tyler.

I'm just saying,
what do you expect

from a long-distance
relationship?

If he's not moving here
and you're not moving there,

what's the point?

The point is that
anything can happen.

And maybe Randy will move here.
And even if he doesn't,

we're gonna have jetpacks
in, like, a year.

Everybody knows that.

(cell phone rings)

It's Randy.
I'm not getting it.

Or anything else tonight.

-Gimme that phone.
-Max, no!

I wanna remember what it's like
to be touched on the boob.

And not by a guy
at LensCrafters

who didn't even work there.

Hello, Randy.

It's the person that, uh,
chose her business

over seeing where things--
what was that, Tyler?

This is exactly how
my parents got divorced.

He wants to talk to you.

-Hey, buddy.
-Hey, Randy, can't hear you.

I'm going through a tunnel.

I wish.

Are you ever gonna
move to New York?

Are you ever gonna move to L.A.?

I asked you first.

Max, do you really wanna
do this now?

Yeah, now's not great for me.

Yeah, I do.
If I'm not moving there,

and you're not moving here,
what's the point?

So, I guess this is it.

I want a boyfriend
I'm not afraid of

dropping in the toilet.

-Oh.
-Yeah.

So this is good-bye.

I guess so.
Good-bye.

(phone beeps)

Why?

Why me?

-Should I go?
-No, I will.

Max, you and Randy
just broke up.

You can't go.

Unless you really,
really want to.

I need to be alone.

Maybe I'll go to a taping of
Carson Daly.

Maybe we should have done this
at my place.

I live with my ex,
but she's a lesbian.

Not because of anything I did.

I'm still talking!

Let's let our bodies
do it for us.

(baby giggling)

See, she loves it.

Ah, can you believe
that Oleg still won't

buy the minivan?

Sophie, I'm telling you.

A van with windows?
What's the point?

Never had such a hard time
closing the deal.

Yeah, me neither.

Wow, you put out
your lunch cheese.

I like this guy for you,
Caroline.

You should have sex with him.

Don't love his outfit,

but he's only gonna be
wearing the belt, right?

Did you tell him
how long it's been?

I got five bucks
riding on this.

Max, you're really upset
about Randy.

Usually you high-five me when we
pass a "Rear Entry Only" sign.

After last night, I'm too upset
for sophisticated humor.

I feel like it's my fault.

If you hadn't set me up,
none of this would've happened.

It's not your fault,
it's your date--

I wanna say his name
is Triscuit.

It was Tyler.

Well, I'm sorry you didn't

get in the bone zone with him.

It's okay.
He was a talker.

And if I'm saying that...

And I'm surprised
you're taking this so hard.

You and Randy are more
on and off

than a jacket in early fall.

I must be feeling
a little better.

"Heavy Load."

(both laugh)

(car horn honks playfully)

Hey, girls.

Guess who just hit a guy
in her brand new minivan?

This thing is so smooth,
we barely even felt it.

Oleg, I thought you said
you'd only get a minivan

over your dead body.

And no offense, but we all
kind of got excited.

Jose failed to mention
that you could fit

a full-size mattress
back there.

(laughs)
Not a great salesman.

Let's park this thing
so I can show you the inside.

(engine turns over)

What the hell, man?

We have lit candles in here.

Han's with a girl?

Oh, ho,
that is one magic car.

You know what that means.

Even Han got sex
before Caroline.

(both laugh)

Who had 32 years for Han
in the pool?

Uh, I did.

He heard that?

Hey, Han, can Caroline borrow
that Yaris sometime?

Real soon?

(cash register bell dings)

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