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1
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,236
Here's your check.
2
00:00:04,238 --> 00:00:07,039
Sorry about the entire experience.
3
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,440
Ugh.
4
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,309
You're gonna have to take
it the rest of the way.
5
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,811
I slept funny last year.
6
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,847
You know,
I happen to be a massage therapist,
7
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,017
and I happen to be broke,
so what do you say
8
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:20,285
I get that crick out of
your neck as your tip?
9
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:23,589
I miss being able to just say no.
10
00:00:23,591 --> 00:00:25,190
Hold on, I have to run this by a person
11
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:27,059
who's been poor longer.
12
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:31,230
Sadly, that guy over there is
offering me a massage as a tip.
13
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,432
Sadly-er, I'm considering it.
14
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,635
Sadly-est, you were here when
that old woman punched me
15
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:40,439
in the breast and then asked for change,
right?
16
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,141
We're not doing great.
17
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:45,010
There's got to be somebody
doing worse than you two.
18
00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:49,248
Like that guy who got
left on Mars last year.
19
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,449
Question, girls.
20
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,317
I'm making a healthier menu.
21
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:55,687
Should I advertise no trans fat,
or does that sound like
22
00:00:55,689 --> 00:01:00,626
I'm trying to keep out Chaz Bono?
23
00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,796
Not now, Han,
I have a massage scheduled.
24
00:01:03,798 --> 00:01:06,165
All the stress of acting
like you're working
25
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,800
starting to get to you?
26
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,237
Oh.
27
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,239
Oh.
28
00:01:14,241 --> 00:01:18,043
Oh, yeah.
29
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:20,012
Oh, yeah!
30
00:01:20,014 --> 00:01:23,048
Oh yeah.
31
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,583
Yes! Yeah.
32
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,719
Oh, yes!
33
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,021
Yes!
34
00:01:29,023 --> 00:01:30,422
Oh...yes!
35
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:31,657
Yes! Yes!
36
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,926
Yes, yes, yes!
37
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,970
I just had what she's having.
38
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,487
Max, are you busy right now?
39
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:04,223
- No, I'm at work.
- Cool.
40
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,024
I'm gonna call a staff meeting.
41
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:09,228
I used to call my driver to pick
up sushi during Gilmore Girls,
42
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:12,097
but now I call staff
meetings at a diner.
43
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,699
Hey!
44
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:17,402
Only I can call staff
meetings at the diner.
45
00:02:17,404 --> 00:02:19,471
It's one of the perks of the job.
46
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,207
Well, it's the perk of the job.
47
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:24,643
Well, it's okay.
48
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,612
The staff meeting is
about the dessert bar
49
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:28,480
Max and I are opening
in our cupcake window.
50
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,516
If you want, Han,
you can call the meeting,
51
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,217
but I can't imagine
you'd be petty enough
52
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:33,852
to take the thrill away from Caroline.
53
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:36,255
Staff meeting!
54
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,589
See, this is what happens
55
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:42,027
when the mother cat
refuses to lick the runt.
56
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:45,097
Okay, so I'm checking on
the dessert bar assignments
57
00:02:45,099 --> 00:02:46,398
I gave everyone.
58
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,900
Earl, did you call your cousin
59
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:50,002
at that liquor distributor
about getting us a discount?
60
00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:51,470
Now, why would I call him?
61
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:56,008
I owe him $10,000 and a kidney.
62
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,976
So that's a "not yet."
63
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,678
I haven't done my thing, either.
64
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:04,816
Caroline,
with all your money from Hollywood,
65
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:07,252
you could pay other
people to do this stuff...
66
00:03:07,254 --> 00:03:10,989
and also replace the
transmission on a 2012 Yaris.
67
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:14,793
We have to save all our movie
money for the dessert bar.
68
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:18,463
Believe it or not,
my boobs can't get us zoning permits.
69
00:03:18,465 --> 00:03:21,934
But they did get us kicked
out of an architect's office.
70
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:24,336
Oleg, did you talk to your
connection at City Hall
71
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:25,804
about expediting our liquor license?
72
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:29,007
Yes, she told me,
"Don't ever sneak into my home
73
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:31,877
through the bathroom window again."
74
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,612
Oh, this is rich.
75
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,981
Now you two see some of
the hell I go through
76
00:03:35,983 --> 00:03:37,416
as a small business owner.
77
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,484
No, you go through hell
'cause nobody wants to
78
00:03:39,486 --> 00:03:43,922
see your small business.
79
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,924
Staff meeting over!
80
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:48,227
Small staff meeting.
81
00:03:48,229 --> 00:03:49,628
Max, your boyfriend is a lawyer.
82
00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,063
When you're at his hotel tonight,
83
00:03:51,065 --> 00:03:52,864
can you ask him to look
at our liquor license?
84
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,133
Also, could you fill an ice
bucket with mini shampoos
85
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:56,335
and bring it home?
86
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:57,836
No on both counts.
87
00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,905
You're not using Randy for legal advice.
88
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,207
And as for the shampoo,
they switched to a pump
89
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:06,011
bolted to the wall,
'cause I was getting greedy.
90
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,679
Hey, Randy.
91
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:08,714
Hey, Earl.
92
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:10,716
Saw your rant on Twitter last night.
93
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,252
And I agree;
what self-respecting Sizzler
94
00:04:13,254 --> 00:04:14,987
runs out of Sprite?
95
00:04:14,989 --> 00:04:16,722
I put that on Twitter?
96
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:19,925
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.
97
00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,495
Hey there, beautiful.
98
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,497
Mm.
99
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:30,669
So I thought we'd try
something different tonight.
100
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,738
You on top?
101
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,806
No, I'm not talking about changing
102
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:37,342
our whole power dynamic.
103
00:04:37,344 --> 00:04:39,711
I'm talking about staying
at your apartment.
104
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:42,514
So, you on bottom?
105
00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:44,650
'Cause that's where I live.
106
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,984
No, really.
107
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,420
We're living in a fantasy world,
that hotel room.
108
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,389
I mean, a really sexy fantasy world,
109
00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,357
with people cleaning up after us
110
00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,526
and a maid who knew
you from high school.
111
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:59,364
Boy, was she surprised to
see me naked and alive.
112
00:04:59,366 --> 00:05:01,767
I know I always am.
113
00:05:01,769 --> 00:05:03,935
And Max, I've been to your apartment.
114
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,270
It wasn't that bad.
115
00:05:05,272 --> 00:05:08,173
Uh, okay, fine. We can stay at my place.
116
00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:09,708
But it's BYOC.
117
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:12,844
Bring your own carbon monoxide detector.
118
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,417
Well, here we are.
119
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,919
Slum, sweet slum.
120
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,121
She says that every
time she walks in here.
121
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:25,891
It's usually to scare the crack
addict out of our kitchen.
122
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:29,261
Allen, are you here?
123
00:05:29,263 --> 00:05:31,196
All right, well, this is it.
124
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,597
What do you want to do now?
125
00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:35,734
We usually go to sleep
so death comes sooner.
126
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,470
You guys, I can handle an apartment.
127
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,172
Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble,
128
00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:43,575
and Adam's apple confuse you; I am,
in fact, a man.
129
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,211
Coming up straight ahead is the kitchen.
130
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:47,546
But I don't have to tell you that.
131
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,681
You can smell the gas.
132
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:53,552
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,
133
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,887
but they do cause cancer.
134
00:05:57,091 --> 00:05:58,790
Ooh, let me guess: the Grim Reaper?
135
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:02,327
No, the Grim Reaper comes
on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
136
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,365
Hey, girls.
137
00:06:10,003 --> 00:06:13,705
And Randy. Oh.
138
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:17,275
Someone's been taking
his handsome pills.
139
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,511
Well, they make them in chewable now.
140
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:22,080
Makes it a lot easier.
141
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,281
Oh, Randy's here?
142
00:06:23,283 --> 00:06:25,517
Hey, hey, hey, bro.
143
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,985
We should hang upstairs later.
144
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,855
We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies.
145
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:33,925
It's not delivery; it's DiPorno.
146
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,628
That's a hard no.
147
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:40,832
Girls, we need to store
some stuff in your place.
148
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:43,935
Oleg and I are
baby-proofing our apartment.
149
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,338
My mom baby-proofed our house for me.
150
00:06:46,340 --> 00:06:49,141
She put a club on the steering wheel.
151
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:51,176
So in this duffle bag, I have...
152
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,377
He's opening it!
153
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:53,879
Randy, close your eyes!
154
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,247
Relax.
155
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:56,882
It's just swords
156
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,650
and sex toys.
157
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,886
Oh, I think one of them's both.
158
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:05,023
Are you referring to sex-calibur?
159
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,692
Oh, I love this one.
160
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:09,294
This is the sword we used
161
00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:13,331
when we were playing
Bonan the Barbarian.
162
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,766
And you know what?
163
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:18,270
It's good to give to the
less sexually fortunate.
164
00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,604
Yeah.
165
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:22,707
The sex toys are for you, Caroline.
166
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:25,610
I'm good, I had a massage.
167
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:32,884
Hiya!
168
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,953
What are you doing?
169
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,722
This is how all the great
ninjas eat their bagels.
170
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,057
Where's Randy?
171
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:42,227
Did he go back to the
land of not-expired milk,
172
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,829
and not-expired honey?
173
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:45,797
No, he's stronger than I thought.
174
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:49,167
Much like that little person I
arm wrestled at Chelsea Piers.
175
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,671
I love it here.
176
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,940
I just took the grayest
shower of my life.
177
00:07:54,942 --> 00:07:57,876
Did you just say
"grayest" or "greatest"?
178
00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,077
No, I said gray.
179
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,479
I was being kind.
180
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:02,214
It was brown.
181
00:08:02,216 --> 00:08:05,684
All right, well, come on,
your sword bagel is ready.
182
00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:08,753
God, I do miss having sex.
183
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:11,556
Also, what is the deal with...
184
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:13,558
Oh! God! Oh!
185
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,327
Ugh,
I just stepped on something painful.
186
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,262
Really painful!
187
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,397
Is there a nail sticking
up through the floor?
188
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,834
Oh no,
he stepped on Nail Patrick Harris!
189
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:26,104
Oh, I forgot to warn you
about that stupid nail.
190
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,673
It's been there forever.
I just know to avoid it by now.
191
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,242
Everyone does; that's why we named it
192
00:08:30,244 --> 00:08:32,077
"Nail Patrick Harris."
193
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:33,311
Are you okay?
194
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,679
You look like you're in a lot of pain.
195
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:35,881
Do you want to roll the dice
196
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,382
with one of the pills in the couch?
197
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:38,683
I'm fine. It's not that bad.
198
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,886
Okay, well lift up your foot.
Let me see.
199
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:52,230
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
200
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,000
Randy?
201
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,435
This is bad.
202
00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:00,739
I think we have to
take you to Hapitalito.
203
00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:02,741
Well, I must be losing consciousness.
204
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,042
That sounded like gibberish.
205
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,777
No, you heard me right,
I said Hapitalito.
206
00:09:05,779 --> 00:09:07,279
That's our healthcare provider.
207
00:09:07,281 --> 00:09:09,581
It's a guy with a shopping
cart filled with Band-Aids,
208
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,782
and most of them aren't used.
209
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,918
Max, I have insurance.
210
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,920
Well, I don't think he takes insurance,
211
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,422
but if you have old TCBY cards,
212
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,091
five is good for "uno surgeria."
213
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,627
Well, maybe it stopped.
214
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:31,770
I'm Carrie! I'm Carrie at the prom!
215
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:35,140
Caroline, come on, we have to go.
216
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:38,276
I'm already covered in blood.
Just leave me to die.
217
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,778
Oh, calm down!
218
00:09:39,780 --> 00:09:42,113
If this had happened with any
of my regular type of guys,
219
00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:44,749
you'd be halfway to Hep C right now.
220
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,753
Help! Help!
221
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,655
My apartment tried to kill my boyfriend!
222
00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:51,856
He's gonna die!
223
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:53,992
I'm not gonna die, Max.
224
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,994
Although,
this CVS bag you tied around my foot
225
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,729
has completely cut off the circulation.
226
00:09:57,731 --> 00:10:01,166
And the ten-foot receipt's
caught in the wound.
227
00:10:02,536 --> 00:10:04,603
My boyfriend needs medical attention.
228
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,137
Oh, really?
229
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,473
I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit
230
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:11,309
at a reasonable price.
231
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,979
Oh, I recognize you
232
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,847
from the last time we were in here.
233
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,482
I wasn't attracted to you then,
234
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,452
but I see you've added balding
and a beard to the mix.
235
00:10:20,454 --> 00:10:22,721
Ha, ha, I remember you too.
236
00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:25,423
The devil wears Target.
237
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:27,525
We need a good doctor,
238
00:10:27,527 --> 00:10:30,795
so he better not be from America.
239
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,430
'Cause he has insurance.
240
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:34,032
Show him the card, Randy.
241
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,968
Could I touch it?
242
00:10:39,573 --> 00:10:42,073
Oh, good for you, a PPO.
243
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:45,543
You know,
I cleaned up some PPO right there.
244
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,479
Come on, this is serious!
245
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,714
He might have "Tetris"!
246
00:10:49,716 --> 00:10:53,752
He's got the beloved
Russian puzzle game?
247
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,754
Are you sure he doesn't
have a case of the
248
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,256
Super Mario Brothers?
249
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,859
Well,
there's a lot of people ahead of you,
250
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,094
so why don't you take
your boyfriend's boo boo
251
00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,629
and sit down?
252
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:06,097
Fine.
253
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,466
But he better not die,
'cause if he does,
254
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:12,203
I'm gonna take those buttons
and pin them to your sack.
255
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:14,739
Promise?
256
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,742
Damn it!
257
00:11:17,744 --> 00:11:19,344
I guess we're gonna be here forever.
258
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:23,014
The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.
259
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,949
Oh, so it's my fault your boyfriend
260
00:11:24,951 --> 00:11:27,752
Freddy Krueger-ed all over me?
261
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,688
Caroline, I am so sorry.
262
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:30,955
That's okay, Randy.
263
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:32,357
You can make it up to me.
264
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,892
Right now!
265
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,061
I just so happen to have our
liquor license application,
266
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:37,896
if you want to take a look-see.
267
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:41,099
Do you also want to be pinned
to that albino's sack, Caroline?
268
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,237
Okay, coming through.
269
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,872
Okay, let me clear a path.
270
00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:54,612
Now I know how my grandma Dorothy felt.
271
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:55,814
Oh, good, you're back.
272
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,248
Randy, are you okay?
273
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:58,383
Oh, I'm fine.
274
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,452
Did some shopping after you left the ER.
275
00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:03,288
Like my new bag?
276
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,522
Ooh.
277
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,790
If you need a clutch to match,
278
00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:09,060
I have something similar in Ziploc.
279
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:11,930
Because the nail was
rusted and the open wound
280
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:15,066
touched our floor,
they gave Randy an IV of antibiotics.
281
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,570
And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.
282
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:20,805
Well, Max, one of us has to go to work
283
00:12:20,807 --> 00:12:22,774
and pretend both of us are there.
284
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:23,975
Well, it's gonna have to be you.
285
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,610
I can't leave Randy here.
286
00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:29,647
It's like a haunted house,
but the dangers are real.
287
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,916
Max, you're going to work.
288
00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:33,585
I'll be fine here.
289
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:36,488
I had a time-share with Sean Penn.
290
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,425
I'm not going anywhere.
291
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,627
It's my fault you got
nailed in my apartment,
292
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,296
and I'm staying here to protect you.
293
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,398
You're going to work.
294
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,033
I'll be okay.
295
00:12:49,035 --> 00:12:51,002
But you're very cute
when you're worried.
296
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:53,505
Like when you thought the hotel
didn't get Cartoon Network.
297
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,107
All right, fine.
298
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,143
But call me if you need me to come back.
299
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:01,045
I'll tell Han I'm working the
rest of my shift from home.
300
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,150
Oh, my God!
301
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,718
I just remembered I didn't tell Randy
302
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,219
about the pothole in my bedroom.
303
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:09,954
Max, relax.
304
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:11,256
I haven't seen you this anxious
305
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,258
since the Dominos pizza
tracker went down.
306
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:14,592
Look, woman!
307
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:17,061
Randy came to New York to see
if our relationship could work,
308
00:13:17,063 --> 00:13:18,596
but we never should
have left that hotel.
309
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,865
It's like when you go to
Vegas and wander off the strip
310
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,734
and wind up in a
residential neighborhood.
311
00:13:22,736 --> 00:13:24,369
You can't come back from that.
312
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:27,939
It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.
313
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,208
I suppose the motivational newsletter
314
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,343
I sent out this morning
didn't do any good.
315
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:36,781
I don't even know why I bother
publishing What's Going Han?
316
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:40,351
I like the comic strip
about the fat squirrel.
317
00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:42,887
That picture was me!
318
00:13:42,889 --> 00:13:45,957
It can't be you; he had nuts.
319
00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:48,626
And that lady at table four ordered
320
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:52,030
before she started knitting
that sweater she's now wearing.
321
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,035
Oh, good, it's Randy.
322
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,636
Hey, I forgot to tell you,
323
00:13:58,638 --> 00:14:00,071
you can't drink the tap water
324
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:02,707
within five minutes after
flushing the toilet.
325
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:05,243
Well, can you make yourself throw up?
326
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:09,047
Pickup: breakfast burrito.
327
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,282
Randy called our landlord
328
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,384
to complain about Nail Patrick Harris!
329
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:16,821
I'd rather see him host
something than Ricky Gervais.
330
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,824
We get it: you're mean, you fat bastard.
331
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:22,026
Randy called the landlord?
332
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,728
But we're illegal subletters!
333
00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:25,530
We're squatters there!
334
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,332
And over most toilets.
335
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,500
Come on, Caroline,
we have to get to the apartment
336
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:31,636
before the landlord does.
337
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:32,904
You're leaving?
338
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:35,073
The tollbooth operator who won Powerball
339
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,275
stayed at their job longer.
340
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:41,880
Randy, we got to go!
341
00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:44,148
I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.
342
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:45,850
Yeah, I know the drill:
one pair of shoes,
343
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,218
something you can carry on your back,
344
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,620
and a sun hat for Guatemala...
345
00:14:48,622 --> 00:14:50,622
I mean, wherever we're headed.
346
00:14:52,125 --> 00:14:54,392
Randy, you better drink up
the rest of the that IV fluid,
347
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,527
'cause carrying that around
is just gonna slow us down.
348
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:57,962
Max, what in the hell is going on?
349
00:14:57,964 --> 00:14:59,264
Why are you freaking out?
350
00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,132
I called the landlord about a nail,
351
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,668
not the FBI about your passport...
352
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:06,104
Frank Delaport.
353
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,640
Randy, we're not on the
lease to this apartment.
354
00:15:08,642 --> 00:15:10,275
Oh...
355
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,110
Okay, I'm ready.
356
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:14,045
I just need ten minutes
to saddle up Chestnut.
357
00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:16,614
It'll give me time to
practice my accent.
358
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,016
We're totally screwed now.
359
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,384
Thanks a lot.
360
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,586
This is why we should
have stayed in the hotel.
361
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:25,123
You could have screwed me there
and I would have loved it.
362
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:26,557
Max, I just didn't want you
363
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,860
to live with a nail
sticking out of your floor,
364
00:15:28,862 --> 00:15:30,328
and I knew you wouldn't fix it yourself.
365
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,163
What is that supposed to mean?
366
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:33,364
It's like you don't realize
367
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,999
you don't have to live like this.
368
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,367
Oh, great.
369
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:37,902
It's like I'm in a relationship
370
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:40,371
with my high school guidance counselor.
371
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,009
Again.
372
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,746
You know,
your life can be a whole lot better
373
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,048
than you think it can be.
374
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,016
Why don't you just hammer the nail in?
375
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:54,452
Because we are used to it.
376
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:58,256
We just ignore it,
like the rain in my bedroom.
377
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,658
I knew my apartment would
be too real for you,
378
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:03,127
and now it's not even
gonna be my apartment.
379
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:07,365
All right, Max.
380
00:16:07,367 --> 00:16:09,200
I put the double saddle on Chestnut,
381
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,768
filled the satchel with trail mix.
382
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:13,905
That should get us to the
George Washington Bridge.
383
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:18,109
Nobody has to go anywhere.
384
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:20,712
Not even your friend, the giant pi�ata.
385
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:24,182
Let me deal with this. But...
386
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,249
we've never met this guy!
387
00:16:25,251 --> 00:16:26,651
All we know about him
388
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,087
is that even the guy
in 2A is afraid of him,
389
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:32,090
and he was married to Kirstie Alley.
390
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,691
I can handle myself.
391
00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:35,960
Hand me my fluids.
392
00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,997
That sounded not manly.
393
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:42,734
Hey, sport, thanks for coming.
394
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,837
He can't talk his way out of this.
395
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,205
He's wasting his time.
396
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,906
He might as well be
trying to teach shapes
397
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,808
to Kendall Jenner.
398
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,011
No, no, you listen!
399
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,714
Well, Randy's dead.
400
00:16:56,716 --> 00:17:00,418
No matter how many boyfriends I bury,
it's never easy.
401
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:03,021
I can't believe we're
getting kicked out like this.
402
00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:04,856
In my fantasy, I bought the building
403
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:06,758
and opened a sadness museum.
404
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,662
Okay, that's it.
405
00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:12,864
Took care of the landlord.
406
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,700
You killed him?
407
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,702
I'll call Oleg;
we'll get his friend's truck
408
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,303
and take it from here.
409
00:17:19,305 --> 00:17:21,973
Okay, first, I believe that you have
410
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:25,076
and would cover up a murder.
411
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,277
But nobody's dead.
412
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,912
I just explained to him the situation,
413
00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:29,313
and you're not getting kicked out.
414
00:17:29,315 --> 00:17:31,049
All right,
which one of us has to marry him?
415
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:34,419
I'll go get my wedding sweatpants.
416
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,954
I just explained to
him that I'm a lawyer
417
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,756
who sustained an injury on his property.
418
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:41,192
Then I mentioned the faulty wiring,
the gas leak,
419
00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,760
the various wildlife living here,
420
00:17:42,762 --> 00:17:45,496
and, oh... that I'm a lawyer.
421
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,833
The word "lawyer"
makes people crap their pants.
422
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:52,203
It's like the juice
cleanse of professions.
423
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,273
And that is why you get the
next two months rent-free,
424
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,941
and you are now officially on the lease.
425
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,876
We're on the lease?
426
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,078
We're legit?
427
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:01,879
I have never been legit.
428
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,281
According to my birth certificate,
429
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:06,084
I'm actually a Cabbage Patch doll.
430
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,485
Thank you so much, Randy.
431
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,320
I'm gonna go tell
Chestnut the good news.
432
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,721
Chestnut!
433
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,123
How about that?
434
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:15,626
Your new name doesn't have to be Pablo.
435
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,061
Thank you.
436
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,529
I don't know what she would have done.
437
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,065
She is not made for the streets.
438
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,835
She's not even made for polyester.
439
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,370
This is awkward.
440
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:29,907
Just trying to get a horse
out of a tiny doorway.
441
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,576
All right, up.
442
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,578
I have to get back to the hotel.
443
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,513
Have you seen my protective bootie?
444
00:18:35,515 --> 00:18:38,850
Wait, why are you taking your
booties back to the hotel?
445
00:18:38,852 --> 00:18:41,919
Well, you're obviously not
comfortable with me being here.
446
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,855
No one's comfortable being here.
447
00:18:43,857 --> 00:18:45,389
It's here.
448
00:18:47,060 --> 00:18:48,593
Look, Max.
449
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,761
I wanted to stay here because
I wanted to see how you live.
450
00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:54,565
Now I know you live on an
Indian food burial ground.
451
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:57,969
You know what? You're right.
452
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,338
My life can be better.
453
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,941
We don't have hammer money yet, so...
454
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:09,280
You know what time it is?
455
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,449
It's hammer time!
456
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,985
Well,
that's the end of Nail Patrick Harris.
457
00:19:13,987 --> 00:19:15,419
Are you kidding?
458
00:19:15,421 --> 00:19:18,756
With charisma like that,
he's not going anywhere.
459
00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:21,692
I think we just got
through our first fight.
460
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,494
And only one of us had
to go to the hospital,
461
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,196
so I think that's pretty good.
462
00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,398
I think that is pretty good.
463
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,934
You know what else I think?
464
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,336
I love you.
465
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,872
I love you too.
466
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,875
Aw!
467
00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:39,410
That is so sweet.
468
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:40,811
I'll give you two some privacy.
469
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:42,213
I'll be in my room.
470
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:46,584
Caroline...
471
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:49,954
Even as a mime, you're still hot.
472
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,256
While you were at work,
I filled out your application
473
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:54,225
for the liquor license.
474
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:57,495
Randy, I love you too.
475
00:19:57,497 --> 00:20:00,765
Sorry, the walls are thin,
and I was listening.
476
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,702
Hey, girls.
477
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:08,472
And Randy. Oh...
478
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:11,008
I'm gonna need my duffle bag back.
479
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,044
I hate to be an Uzbeki-giver,
480
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:17,248
but I really miss my vibrating pearl.
481
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,652
Are these supposed to
be doing other things?
482
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,322
Oh, no, does this mean
you want your swords back?
483
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:27,091
'Cause I was gonna
butter some toast later.
484
00:20:27,093 --> 00:20:29,193
I'm sorry, Caroline.
485
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:31,596
We really missed our sex toys.
486
00:20:31,598 --> 00:20:34,966
It's not as exciting when I just
put double-A batteries in Oleg.
487
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,741
That's weird.
488
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:46,344
Sophie's the one with sex toys,
I'm the one with the boyfriend,
489
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,679
and Caroline's the one who's wet.
490
00:20:48,729 --> 00:20:53,279
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