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1
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The Sad Lady Book Club
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:06,508
is reading
"Fifty Shades of Grey" again.
3
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:11,299
There's not a dry seat in the house.
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,716
If those ladies are that
into light torture,
5
00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:17,767
they should just apply for our jobs.
6
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:20,978
-(RINGS BELL)
-Hey.
7
00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:23,272
You two are so adorable.
8
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:28,106
Like Romeo and Juliet,
but without the bright future.
9
00:00:28,195 --> 00:00:30,065
Yeah.
10
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,905
I want him out of the diner.
11
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,990
What are you talking about?
12
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,576
Anyone who works in this diner
is like a
13
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:36,831
fat guy in a smart car.
14
00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:39,411
You can never get out.
15
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:40,707
It's true.
16
00:00:40,875 --> 00:00:44,295
I came in here in 1962
for a cup of coffee.
17
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,418
Someone asked me to break
a dollar, and I never left.
18
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:49,966
Look, living, working,
19
00:00:50,049 --> 00:00:53,219
and sleeping with the same guy
is never a good idea.
20
00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:56,267
Just talk to Hillary Clinton.
21
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,848
I guess
I can get a dishwasher fired.
22
00:00:59,058 --> 00:01:02,268
When I was rich, I got Wolfgang
Puck fired from Wolfgang Puck.
23
00:01:03,021 --> 00:01:07,361
Get yours, Max!
Hit it, then quit it.
24
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:11,072
That strategy served me well
in my 20s and 30s.
25
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,866
Evening, ladies.
26
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:18,294
Also, my 70s.
27
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,082
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
28
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,455
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
29
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,589
(RINGS BELL)
30
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:34,684
Pick up. Or don't.
Who gives a crap?
31
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,179
Well, someone's in a bad mood.
What's wrong, Oleg?
32
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:41,595
Did they discontinue
making Axe body spray?
33
00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:43,595
Don't even kid.
34
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:47,733
No, I'm cranky because
I'm not having sex right now.
35
00:01:47,817 --> 00:01:49,147
Yeah, I thought it was weird
36
00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:51,857
seeing both your hands
while you were talking.
37
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:55,195
Sophie's idea.
It's some old Polish ritual.
38
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,831
The bride and groom
remain chaste
39
00:01:56,908 --> 00:01:58,988
for 30 days before the wedding.
40
00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:00,998
Apparently, the "something blue"
at the wedding
41
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:03,169
has got to be my balls.
42
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,377
So, you're practicing celibacy.
43
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,629
I'm trying,
but there are women everywhere.
44
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:12,221
I feel like a bull
in a vagina shop.
45
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,014
Hear ye, hear ye!
46
00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,933
I'm unveiling a major
improvement to the diner!
47
00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:20,683
Well, we'll miss you, Han.
48
00:02:20,765 --> 00:02:22,385
Nice try, Max.
49
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:25,805
But like Ryan Seacrest,
I'll be here forever.
50
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:28,821
Now, will you all please do
51
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,359
what you have yet to do
on Twitter and follow me?
52
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,114
You too, Earl.
53
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:35,735
Hell, this better be good.
54
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,373
Every step I take
could be my last.
55
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:45,464
-And now...
-Without further a-douche.
56
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,960
Ready to have your minds blown?
57
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:51,003
At this point, I'm ready
to have anything blown.
58
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,798
Ta-da!
59
00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:56,179
That is the worst gift
I ever received
60
00:02:56,259 --> 00:02:59,929
and last year,
my son bought me a coffin.
61
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:05,185
This works out great then
because it's not for you.
62
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,312
It's for Nash.
63
00:03:06,812 --> 00:03:09,112
Oh, well, that's real nice.
64
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,654
Because the shower at
Max's place doesn't work at all.
65
00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:16,405
You better believe it's nice.
That's the Spritzy 5000.
66
00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:20,277
Dishwasher Weekly gave it four
out of four Dishes.
67
00:03:20,366 --> 00:03:23,246
You know our oven doesn't work,
right?
68
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:28,039
Hey, boss lady, if we work hard,
do we get a gift?
69
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,455
If you work hard,
I'll die childless
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00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:32,344
with my mouth frozen open
in shock.
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00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,760
Yeah, I went there!
72
00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:38,887
Nash works hard, so only he
may handle my beautiful hose!
73
00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,892
Well, if he's
handling Han's hose,
74
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:44,182
he's never getting fired.
75
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:45,845
Okay. Step up here, Nash.
76
00:03:45,935 --> 00:03:47,935
I'll show you
what this puppy can do.
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00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:55,494
So far
the puppy can't reach the hose.
78
00:03:55,985 --> 00:03:58,235
A little help.
79
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:04,947
Aw, there's nothing cuter
than a hot guy holding a baby.
80
00:04:07,622 --> 00:04:10,632
Now just grab that thing
and squeeze it till it sprays.
81
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,380
Move to call a moratorium
82
00:04:13,544 --> 00:04:17,634
on the words "grab," "squeeze,"
and "sprays" till the wedding.
83
00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,428
Damn, that's hot.
84
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:31,478
And me without any singles
to stuff down his pants.
85
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,312
Well, I better go dry off
in the men's room.
86
00:04:34,899 --> 00:04:36,399
Don't be too long in that stall.
87
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:39,145
I've got a date with the
Land O'Lakes butter package lady
88
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,737
on my next break.
89
00:04:44,784 --> 00:04:46,204
(ALL GASP)
90
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:52,212
Oh, pardon me, ladies.
I'm all wet.
91
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,882
(ALL GASP)
92
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:56,750
Max? Are you seeing
what I'm seeing?
93
00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:58,468
Those ladies looking at him
94
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:01,718
like a senior special
at Sizzler's?
95
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,348
We might not be able
to get Nash fired,
96
00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,520
but we can get him hired
as a fashion model.
97
00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,596
Look at their faces.
98
00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:12,305
He could be the future bulge
of Calvin Klein.
99
00:05:12,396 --> 00:05:14,056
Now you're talking
about the future?
100
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,148
Why can't you accept
we are stuck
101
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,153
with a really crappy present?
102
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:21,695
Quit trash-talking
the Spritzy 5000!
103
00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:29,446
Good afternoon.
Welcome to The High.
104
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:31,418
I'll have somebody
get you some water.
105
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:34,037
Not me, 'cause I'm past that.
106
00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:35,995
You know, here.
107
00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:37,956
I think I sat another
one of those
108
00:05:38,047 --> 00:05:40,167
lesbian blind-dates for our boss.
109
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,587
It's hard out there for a pimp.
110
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,135
Why do you think
I got out of pimping?
111
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,010
That and someone broke a
beer bottle over my head.
112
00:05:48,098 --> 00:05:49,808
So, did you get Nash
a modeling job yet?
113
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:53,641
I'm working on it. It's not like
I can just call Tyra Banks.
114
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:56,401
Well, that's what
her people said when I called.
115
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:59,821
(SIGHS) Phone therapy ran long.
116
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,821
Apparently, I have more issues
than I realized
117
00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,074
about Rosie leaving The View.
118
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,698
Are my dates here yet?
119
00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:11,245
Please don't tell me it's her,
her, or her.
120
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:14,079
It's her, her, and her.
121
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,424
Lose them.
122
00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:18,382
How am I supposed
to get rid of them?
123
00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:19,551
Just say what anyone says
124
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,009
when they
want a lesbian to leave.
125
00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:24,723
"There's a Subaru outside
that's about to get a ticket."
126
00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:26,222
If you had you told me,
10 years ago,
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00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:30,472
I'd be on a dating site
called "Lez Meet Up,"
128
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:33,557
I would've told the youth pastor
I was married to,
129
00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:36,024
"You've lost your mind."
130
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,652
Oh! I just got some interest
131
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,685
from the
Del Monaco Modeling Agency.
132
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,568
But for the interview,
he needs photos.
133
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,736
And, not just the pictures
of his butt on your phone.
134
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:50,406
Fine, you handle it.
135
00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:52,001
The only thing I know
about modeling
136
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,119
is a couple of years ago,
137
00:06:53,204 --> 00:06:56,084
I was the face of shingles
on WebMD.
138
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,377
Girls, perfect timing to ask me
to do this photo shoot.
139
00:07:02,463 --> 00:07:05,683
The FBI just gave me
my camera back last week.
140
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,974
Oh, so you get your camera back,
141
00:07:08,052 --> 00:07:09,812
but I'm still waiting
on that kilo of coke
142
00:07:09,887 --> 00:07:13,637
that I spent hours
carefully filling my butt with?
143
00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:16,185
Let me just change the settings.
144
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:20,439
This camera is used to taking
pictures from 800 feet away.
145
00:07:22,024 --> 00:07:24,944
And we want those pictures back,
Oleg!
146
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,948
Hey, everybody!
147
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:31,657
Just call me "rush hour traffic"
'cause I sure am horny.
148
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,156
Oh, Caroline.
149
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:38,790
I do not know how you go years,
and years, and years, and years,
150
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:43,050
and years, and years
without doing the nasty.
151
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:46,629
It's only been years and years.
152
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,006
-Come on.
-And years.
153
00:07:49,093 --> 00:07:51,513
I could go for a
brisket sandwich.
154
00:07:51,596 --> 00:07:52,596
We're closed, Sophie.
155
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,810
I know. I got one in my purse.
156
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,693
Why are you doing
the photo shoot
157
00:07:57,769 --> 00:07:59,689
in this skanky dish room?
158
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:03,271
Because we're going
with the "hot dishwasher" angle.
159
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,318
The agency said every model
needs a hook.
160
00:08:05,401 --> 00:08:07,401
Yeah, like how Cindy Crawford
has a beauty mark
161
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,657
and Anna Nicole Smith is dead.
162
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:12,580
Yeah, yeah, my sister is a
model in Poland
163
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:14,288
and she has a hook.
164
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:18,749
It's her left hand, yeah.
It's also great for kabobs.
165
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:20,421
Come on, Nash!
166
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:23,000
Put a little Irish Spring
in your step.
167
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,376
I'm a little nervous.
168
00:08:24,463 --> 00:08:27,263
The only time I had my
picture taken was at school.
169
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:30,801
The priest said he needed a
shirtless one for the roll call.
170
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:35,718
Where did he go to school,
Our Lady of To Catch a Predator?
171
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,177
Wow.
172
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,600
You sure look hot.
173
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,266
Careful, Sophie.
That's my brisket.
174
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,185
I'm not talking
about Daniel Day-Loser here.
175
00:08:46,275 --> 00:08:48,065
I'm talking about Oleg.
176
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:54,578
Oh. You are sweating
like an old knockwurst
177
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:58,544
that has been left out
in the sun.
178
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:03,286
Oh. It's really breathtaking.
179
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,553
Okay, Nash,
stand over here near the hose
180
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,380
and give me hot face, dead eyes.
181
00:09:10,466 --> 00:09:12,586
You know, like me
when I mix NyQuil and DayQuil.
182
00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:14,597
I call it AfternoonQuil.
183
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,929
Okay. Now I'm gonna
start shooting.
184
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:19,104
Yeah. Shoot, baby! Shoot!
185
00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:22,056
CAROLINE: What do you think?
186
00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:24,944
Well, he's stiff,
but not in the good way.
187
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:26,771
This is painful.
188
00:09:26,857 --> 00:09:30,067
He's like Susan Boyle
without the star quality.
189
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,283
We need a little of what he had
the other day.
190
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:34,374
You'll thank me for this later.
191
00:09:37,119 --> 00:09:40,079
Yes, Nash, yes! Tear your shirt!
192
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:46,085
-Yeah, yeah.
-Oh, yeah, yeah.
193
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,840
Stop!
194
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,642
What the hell
is happening in here?
195
00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:57,261
I didn't give anyone permission
196
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:59,136
to use my diner
for a photo shoot.
197
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,479
Calm down.
198
00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,688
We are trying to get him
a modeling job.
199
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,019
He has a job!
He's my number one worker.
200
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:07,570
Like the doctor said to your
mother when you were born,
201
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:09,689
"Tough break."
202
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,525
You two crows
don't let me have anything!
203
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,911
Okay, Nash, part of the model audish
204
00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,705
is to see you as a performer
205
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:23,288
in commercials, and movies,
206
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,253
and other things people
don't watch anymore.
207
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,713
Now, obviously,
right out of the gate,
208
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:29,593
you're not gonna be as good
as that duck who says "Aflac."
209
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:32,801
But you've got to be
at least as good as Ben Affleck.
210
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:36,176
I can help. For a time,
I had a rich acting career.
211
00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:38,430
It started
with a starring role in Annie,
212
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,933
and ended when I portrayed
Rosa Parks
213
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,394
in an ill-advised school production
214
00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:44,185
that led to an investigation
by the NAACP.
215
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:48,069
Ooh! This is a commercial
for breakfast cereal!
216
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:50,568
Every actor's dream!
217
00:10:50,649 --> 00:10:53,359
Hey, Nash, read this.
Think James Dean.
218
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,985
But alive and eating Cocoa Puffs.
219
00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,703
"Cocoa Puffs are a delicious part
220
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:02,914
of any well-balanced breakfast."
221
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,496
-I'm trying to find a nice way--
-You suck, bro.
222
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:11,133
You... You get it.
223
00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:13,417
You know the thrill of eating chocolate
224
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:16,836
at a traditionally
non-chocolatey time of day.
225
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:18,474
Let's tap into that.
226
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:23,268
Okay, take it from the top.
And this time, go cuckoo.
227
00:11:23,350 --> 00:11:25,850
Go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
228
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:29,686
-"Cocoa Puffs are a delicious--"
-Stop.
229
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:33,493
Don't phone this in.
It's not Raisin Bran.
230
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,357
"Pocoa Cuffs are a delicious--"
231
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:40,195
"Pocoa Cuffs"?
Pocoa Cuffs?
232
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:43,333
I just can't with these
rank amateurs, Caroline.
233
00:11:43,495 --> 00:11:44,955
Max, calm down.
234
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,288
It's a fake tryout
for a cereal commercial,
235
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,214
not Dance Moms.
236
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,303
I'm nervous. I'm not an actor.
237
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,549
Ah hah! No, you are not.
Give me that.
238
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,259
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Got it.
239
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:06,226
Cocoa Puffs are a delicious part
of any well-balanced breakfast!
240
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:07,768
They're good for you,
which parents love,
241
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:09,732
and they taste like candy,
which I love!
242
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:13,272
(CHUCKLING) I can't help it!
I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!
243
00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:14,437
Cuckoo!
244
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:17,985
I'm tearing up,
245
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,531
and it's not just the black mold
in here.
246
00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:23,235
Max, I think you may have
just set
247
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,576
the acting bar too high.
248
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,832
-Oh!
-(KNOCKING)
249
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:29,123
I've never set a bar
too high before.
250
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:32,536
I've set a bar on fire
and I've left a bar too high.
251
00:12:33,503 --> 00:12:35,133
Oh, hey, girls.
252
00:12:35,212 --> 00:12:38,302
Oh, do you mind if I hang down
here with you for a while?
253
00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,883
Oleg is up there, he's
254
00:12:39,967 --> 00:12:42,387
trying to seduce me
by cleaning the apartment.
255
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:46,221
And it's, oh, oh, so dirty.
256
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,727
-(VACUUMING)
-Oh!
257
00:12:48,976 --> 00:12:53,106
Oh, he's vacuuming now,
which means he's naked.
258
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:56,690
Oh, and me and my Polish values.
259
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,153
Polish Values?
260
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:02,156
That's the name of my favorite
dollar store in Brooklyn.
261
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,490
-(VACUUMING CONTINUES)
-(MOANS)
262
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:08,999
Oh, he's deep-cleaning the shag.
Oh, my God.
263
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,130
Somebody, do something
to make me not want sex.
264
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:15,538
All right. Nash, why don't you
show us your runway walk?
265
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:20,295
That was it.
266
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:23,263
Oh. I thought you were going
to pick up a pen.
267
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:25,755
Oh, thanks, perfect.
268
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:29,476
Now I'm completely turned off.
269
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,518
Oh, watching that potato
walk across the room,
270
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,482
really did the trick.
271
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:36,982
Nash, concentrate.
Follow my lead.
272
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:39,237
Bam. Pow. Bam. Pow.
273
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:40,448
And step and bam,
and step and pow,
274
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:42,198
and step and bam!
275
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,819
Oh, even better!
276
00:13:45,115 --> 00:13:47,405
I mean, after that,
277
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:51,914
they could film the sequel to
Frozen on my lady parts.
278
00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:56,793
Yeah, me too.
279
00:13:57,044 --> 00:14:00,804
But just 'cause I "Let It Go"
down there.
280
00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:04,681
-(VACUUMING CONTINUES)
-(MOANING)
281
00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:08,346
Oh, now he's using
the wand attachment.
282
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:12,812
Oh, and he's getting real deep
between the cushions.
283
00:14:12,977 --> 00:14:15,557
Oh, my God, just screw it!
284
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,070
I'm never gonna make it
to the wedding!
285
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:20,899
(MOANING)
286
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,195
Oh, Grandma Kachinsky,
287
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,488
please forgive me
for what I'm about to do.
288
00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,372
I...
289
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,700
You were no White Lily yourself!
290
00:14:34,249 --> 00:14:36,329
(GASPS) Wow!
291
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,958
He's bamming and powing up a storm.
292
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:41,464
When he's famous,
I hope he remembers us.
293
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:45,468
I like to think I did some
things he will never forget.
294
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:46,852
How's that?
295
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,887
Great, you can walk.
296
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:52,271
If you can read, too,
I'll treat myself to a Snapple.
297
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:56,020
-Let's get to the copy.
-Actually, we came prepared.
298
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,814
Nash rehearsed
the Cocoa Puffs commercial.
299
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,977
-I think you'll be quite moved.
-Oh, yeah.
300
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:03,736
Well, we'll be reading something
a little different today.
301
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,866
Don't panic.
They do this all the time.
302
00:15:06,947 --> 00:15:08,697
They want to make sure
you're flexible.
303
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:13,291
Go ahead. Whatever cereal it is,
act like it's delicious.
304
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,710
Unless it's Rice Krispies.
A-boring!
305
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,420
Okay, here goes.
306
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:22,921
"You know you like it.
Bend over, bitch."
307
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:26,835
(GROANS) Are we missing a page?
308
00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,972
Cereals have changed
since I was a kid.
309
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,474
Should I read the part
310
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,136
where I notice the teacher
is not wearing any panties?
311
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:35,184
Oh, my God. This is porn!
312
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,648
No wonder all those people
out there were freaks.
313
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:41,479
No wonder I recognized
so many of them!
314
00:15:42,107 --> 00:15:43,607
Don't act so surprised.
315
00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:46,202
Everyone knows Cocoa Puffs
is code for porn.
316
00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:48,994
Also, you sent us some pictures
317
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:53,118
taken by someone
very experienced in erotica.
318
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:56,410
We can't let him do this.
319
00:15:56,498 --> 00:15:58,418
I have a movie that
starts shooting tomorrow
320
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,290
that pays $1,000 a day.
321
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,763
-Can we?
-Maybe we can't.
322
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:08,129
It's the lead in Sorest Rump.
323
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,059
Maybe we can.
324
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,390
I think we need
a little sidebar, Delores.
325
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:20,766
-Should I come with you?
-No, we're good.
326
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,565
I have a couple of questions
for the actor.
327
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:25,649
Can you swim,
and are you circumcised?
328
00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,355
Max, this has gone too far.
329
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,316
I know, I was expecting you
to crash with me
330
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:31,277
for a couple of days
331
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:32,615
and get your own place.
332
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,084
Are we really gonna let
Nash do porn
333
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,162
just so he doesn't work at the diner?
334
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,208
Hey, ladies, what's it gonna be?
I got other talent to see.
335
00:16:42,293 --> 00:16:44,253
I got a guy named Lustin Beaver
336
00:16:44,336 --> 00:16:47,216
taking the Amtrak
in from Philly.
337
00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:54,346
Max, if you're really keen on me
being a porn actor, I'll do it.
338
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:56,271
She says tomorrow
they start filming
339
00:16:56,349 --> 00:16:59,729
The Grand Booty Fest Hotel.
340
00:17:00,102 --> 00:17:02,482
And they'll pay me more
for my accent.
341
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:06,900
Also, what does
"gay for pay" mean?
342
00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,113
(GROANS)
343
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:10,864
I guess it means we got to go.
344
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:18,622
Look at him, Max.
345
00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:22,254
A cute guy, eaten up
and spat out by show business
346
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:25,503
like so many Baldwin brothers
before him.
347
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:28,126
Nash doesn't care
about modeling.
348
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,513
He's 21.
He doesn't care about anything.
349
00:17:30,592 --> 00:17:33,262
His biggest concern
is playing with the Xbox.
350
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:36,264
Mine and, also,
the popular video game system.
351
00:17:36,346 --> 00:17:37,926
He cares about you.
352
00:17:38,016 --> 00:17:39,976
He was willing to do
"gay for pay."
353
00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:44,648
(CHUCKLING) Did I hear Nash
is going "gay for pay"?
354
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:47,944
'Cause I've got $4
burning a hole in my pocket.
355
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:50,489
Oh, a customer.
356
00:17:50,694 --> 00:17:52,824
Hi, welcome to The High.
Here for dessert?
357
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:55,913
Oh, thanks, but I haven't
had cake since my Sweet 16.
358
00:17:55,991 --> 00:17:58,331
And even then,
I made myself throw it up.
359
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:02,411
I'm meeting someone here
and my phone's about to die.
360
00:18:02,499 --> 00:18:04,919
And if it dies, I will too.
Do you have an outlet?
361
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,170
Screaming in the shower
really works for me.
362
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,212
Like, right into the water.
363
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:12,723
Super cute.
But I do need a phone outlet.
364
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,130
I'll plug you in, honey.
365
00:18:14,219 --> 00:18:17,139
And I'll take care
of your phone, too.
366
00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:20,018
-Girls, meet Marie.
-Hi.
367
00:18:20,098 --> 00:18:21,888
Seriously, down to 10 percent.
368
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:24,306
Oh, did you two meet
on "Lez Meet Up"?
369
00:18:24,394 --> 00:18:27,154
No, honey, I've never been
on "Lez Meet Up."
370
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,942
Oh, you're thinking of me,
Caroline.
371
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:33,947
You know how much
I love lady tail.
372
00:18:34,029 --> 00:18:36,489
This place is amazing.
373
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,744
Isn't it amazing?
374
00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:41,326
I had the decorator
redo it nine times.
375
00:18:41,578 --> 00:18:45,288
You can feel his anger
in the walls. It's electric.
376
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,285
We're electric.
377
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,745
-Who is this miracle?
-That's Nash.
378
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:52,256
I found him in the Bowery
next to a pile of burning trash.
379
00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:54,133
Go say hi.
380
00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:57,679
He's even creamier
and more delicious up close.
381
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,221
You're eating?
That is so punk rock.
382
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,427
Tell me everything right now.
383
00:19:03,518 --> 00:19:07,398
Uh, well, I'm a dishwasher.
I'm from Ireland.
384
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:08,904
Oh, I was trying to become a model
385
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,441
and I almost did porn an hour ago.
386
00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:13,606
That is the best story I ever heard.
387
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:17,124
Tell it to me again standing up.
But this time, don't talk.
388
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:21,120
I see face, I see ass,
I see model.
389
00:19:21,201 --> 00:19:22,371
Do you have a manager?
390
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:25,662
I guess that'd be Caroline,
the blonde one over there.
391
00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:27,998
Blonde one, come over here
392
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,634
and talk to me about your client.
393
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,341
I am in love. He's perfection.
394
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:34,207
Marie Prower,
Senior VP of Marketing.
395
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,008
-Sweet, what company?
-Guess.
396
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,512
Tommy Hilfinger.
397
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:41,095
I work for Guess, darling.
398
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,220
No more words. Listen.
399
00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:44,981
He's amazing.
400
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,726
I would tweet about him right now,
401
00:19:46,810 --> 00:19:47,810
but my phone is dead.
402
00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,895
So bring him into my office on Monday.
403
00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:51,020
You heard her, Caroline.
404
00:19:51,106 --> 00:19:54,276
Bring him into her office tomorrow.
405
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,187
She's obsessed with me.
406
00:19:57,654 --> 00:20:00,034
Max, I was right. He is a model.
407
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:03,406
Get me a hot wife
and a hotter woman to cheat on with
408
00:20:03,493 --> 00:20:05,043
'cause I'm a big-time talent manager.
409
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:08,634
Congratulations, dude.
410
00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:10,455
Well, I guess if this works out,
411
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,712
I'm gonna have to quit the diner.
412
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:14,093
Will you be mad at me?
413
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:18,675
I'll be really sad.
414
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,763
I'm gonna miss you a lot, you know?
415
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,810
Not seeing you 24/7.
416
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:25,178
But I would hate myself
417
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,892
if I didn't let you
follow your dreams.
418
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:32,317
Even if it means you moving
out of the apartment, too.
419
00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:33,777
Now go.
420
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:40,158
Here comes that tear again.
I'm all choked up.
421
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:44,119
Max, you would have made
a great Rosa Parks.
422
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:46,121
If you had been black.
423
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,291
Which I guess
is what they insist on.
424
00:20:50,540 --> 00:20:53,000
But you got him to move out!
You are good.
425
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:55,836
Yeah, well, I mean, he is cute,
426
00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,882
but I'm not all that coo-coo
for his Cocoa Puffs.
427
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:04,144
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
428
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,216
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
429
00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:29,369
(English US - SDH)
430
00:21:29,419 --> 00:21:33,969
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