All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e14 Cupcake Captives

Max, guess what Han's doing
at the counter?

Well, I know
it's not towering over it.

He's creating signature drinks
for the diner.

I suggested any household poison
over shaved ice.

Han, this is a stupid idea.

-It was Earl's.
-Then it's genius.

Yep, I've been drinking
all afternoon for free.

Now, I've used
only top shelf liquor.

Question: Who got it
down for you?

First up: "The Max".

It's just whiskey.
On the rocks, like Max's job.

Whatever mine is,
I want my rim salted.

Of course, you do.

Earl's is an Old Fashioned
with everything.

Uh, pour me another me.

I hate to say it,
but I go down easy.

"The Caroline" is Lemon Schnapps
in a slightly frosty glass.

Because of my cool,
Grace Kelly kind of demeanor?

No, because they had a sale

on Lemon Schnapps
at Beverage Barn.

Oh, they don't card there?

Okay. So what's "The Han"?
A No Sex on the Beach?

Mine is a classic martini,
shaken.

Oh. Like the first woman
who saw you naked.

Correction.
Will see you naked.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Max, guess what happened
when you were running

to the bathroom
real quick for two hours?

You worked the cupcake window

while I went to see
the Statue of Liberty.

Her head was being renovated.

(SCOFFS) Everyone in this town
is getting work done.

I sold our last cupcake tee!

We've sold more than
Robert De Niro

in the last 20 years
of his career.

Well, analyze this, Focker.

I noticed
we were running low last week,

so I ordered more.

How did I not notice
those sooner?

Oh, probably because
the last time I looked in there,

there was a rat having sex
with a cockroach.

You know, they're still dating.

Really? I thought it was
a one-time thing.

Well, I guess once you go rat,
you never go back.

Thanks for ordering these.

I've just been so busy
with Sophie's wedding shower.

Yeah, why are you
working so hard?

It's not a big deal.

I threw my mother a shower once.

No wait.
I threw her in a shower once.

Max, you really need to start
making more of a fuss.

It's for Sophie.
It means a lot to her.

And she has a gun.

Well, showers are stupid
girl things

that this guy wants no part of.

Hey, girls!

Look, I'm advertising
your cupcake business.

You're advertising something,
but it's not our cupcakes.

I gave out free t-shirts
to our building.

I left one by everyone's door.

Two at Sophie's,
16 at the Sanchez's.

So about six of the kids
will have to share.

Interesting.

Now our shirts are available

at both Rodney,
the high-end Manhattan boutique,

and an apartment building

that always smells
a little like gasoline.

Well, please stop talking
about things that aren't me.

Now, girls,

did you get the cake
for my wedding shower tomorrow?

Oh, was I supposed
to make a cake?

I've literally done nothing
for the shower.

I haven't even taken a bath.

No, I'm not getting my cake
from here.

No, this is my bridal shower.

Yeah, I wanna get something
classic from Baskin Robbins

that's also a Dunkin' Donuts.

They mix those two now?

It's a stoner's dream come true.

I tried to make our apartment
look nice.

I even moved a chair
to cover a stain,

but what was under the chair
was so much worse.

I guess what I'm saying is,
please don't shoot us.

Well, I don't expect it
to look that good.

I mean, you can't put
a silk hat on a pig.

And I know, because
I tried once.

(GAGS)

(GAGS)

Max! My God!
What have you done?

I realized I don't like
a strawberry center.

And I am not gonna
beat myself up about it.

When I told you to get
crepe paper streamers

and decorate for the shower,
I meant with pink, not black.

It's a wedding shower
for Sophie,

not a baby shower
for Rosemary's Baby.

What? I told you, I don't
do girl things.

Like hang pink or
sit when I pee.

Which, coincidentally,
I refer to as "hanging pink."

My God! What is that smell?

Something's really
gone bad here.

Besides our lives.

It's the Polish food.

I think one of those sausages
is made of old flip-flops.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Someone's here already?

Are Polish people always early?

Is that a stereotype
I don't know about?

(EXAGGERATED) Oh, my God!

A wedding shower for me?

(EXAGGERATED LAUGH)
I mean, if I had known,

I would have dressed!

-Sophie, you did know.
-I know.

I came down early
to practice some entrances.

Now, get ready
for Entrance Number Two!

Are you ever ready
for Entrance Number Two?

(KNOCKING)

Who is it?

(GASPS, THEN LAUGHS)

My God!
I can't believe it.

Oh, it's the day
of my wedding shower.

(STAMMERS)
Could anything be more wonderful?

I was moved, I was surprised.
I liked it better than the book.

Now, come on in here and identify
some of this Polish food

so I can know
what I'm not eating tonight.

Oh. No,
I'm not eating at my shower.

I'm pretending
I have an eating disorder

so everyone will think
that I have it all.

I think you're going to be happy.

I have lots of fun shower games,

starting with
"Who Knows The Most About Sophie?"

Oh! I'll win that one. Yeah.

And Sophie's got to tinkle.

See? I'm a shoo-in. Yeah.
All right.

Oh! Oh, my gosh.

Black toilet paper!

Oh, nice touch, girls.

Yeah, I love the mystery
of not knowing when you're done.

-(URGENT KNOCK)
-MAN: FBI! Open up!

The FBI? I don't think
they RSVP'd.

Oh, that's got to be for me.

I didn't do it.

And just so you know,

the statute of limitations
is up on that Newark thing.

I'm not here to arrest
you, miss.

(SCOFFS) Great, it's me.

Max, I told you pirating movies
was a real crime.

Now, I'm going to jail
for Fifty Shades Of Grey.

Someone should.

I hear you.
Not the Christian Grey I'd pictured.

I'm Agent Drake with the FBI.

Nothing to get upset about,
but there's a man in your building

who has been holding
three women hostage

in his apartment for months.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

Now one of the captives escaped today
and alerted authorities.

Oh! Must have been the lady
I passed screaming in the hall.

What? There's a fine line
between "hostage"

and "off your meds"
in this building.

So, a SWAT team is going in
for the other two still upstairs,

but we need to evacuate
the building first. So let's go.

All right,
can I put a few things away first?

You know, because
I want the place to look nice

if there's gonna be police in here.

Look, miss,
whatever drugs you're hiding here,

I couldn't care less.
We need to get out now.

You know,
you're just my type of guy.

You don't mind my drug use
and you're already here.

Oh, yeah!

You girls ordered a cop stripper
for my bridal shower?

Oh... Oh, yeah!

Here comes the bride all right!

Yeah, come on. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. See?
Look, he likes me.

I cannot believe
I live in this building

with a man who would do
something so awful.

Also, cannot believe
I live in this building.

You know who I think it is?

Smells Like Cats
But Has No Cats.

Really?
He doesn't seem like a go-getter.

I think it's Three Nipples No Nose.

Three Nipples No Nose?
He's a delight.

-Sophie, isn't this upsetting?
-It sure is.

I couldn't get that stripper cop
to take his pants off.

Hey, look!

There's some of my
shower guests.

-Sophie. Hi.
-Look.

And that one's my friend Natalya.
The one I told you about.

Yeah, there's all that extra skin.

(GROANS)
You were not exaggerating.

She was born with all that skin.

She had a chip clip on her back
all through high school.

Yeah, I know that guy upstairs
is a real bummer,

but you know what would help?

If I could open my
presents! Yeah.

-No!
-Sorry, you can't go through, ma'am.

The fuzz isn't letting them through!
Come on.

No fair. They just let a guy in here
a few minutes ago.

Just because your friends
aren't bomb-sniffing dogs,

they can't get in? Boo!

Hey, look, ladies.
Pass your presents up to the cops.

Cops, pass my presents to me.

Wait, Sophie,
before you open them,

I really wanna write down
who got you what.

And save that pretty ribbon.
I'm gonna make you a bow hat!

Look at you.

Making lemonade out of a maniac

holding three innocent
women hostage.

A gift card.

(GROANS) Send it back.

Sophie, we would've taken that.

I don't know what it was for.
I just know we would've taken it.

No, I'm sending it back.
I want a gift, not another errand.

Oh, yeah, not in love
with the paper, but...

Well, I'll wait
till I open it to judge.

Hi. Excuse me? Excuse me?

I'm Maria Alonso Gonzalez.

Could you ladies talk to Channel 2

about tonight's
disturbing discovery?

-No.
-Yes.

Just go with me
and my business savvy.

Yes, Maria Alonso Gonzalez,
we can answer a few questions.

Were there any signs at all

that something of this nature
was going on in your building?

We just hope they bring this
sick freak in our building to justice

so that we can return to work
at Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

Get on the door. Here he comes.

Who is it? Who is this sick freak?

(SIREN CHIRPS)

It's not me...

is it?

I'm not sure.
What are the charges?

Different sick freak.

Hey, Rula, Uma, Greta, look!

This is him.
This is the groom-to-be.

Forget about the guy upstairs,

this is the real maniac
in the bedroom!

That's him? Beer Belly Gym Shorts?

-Never would've guessed.
-Oh, no.

He's wearing one of our shirts.

Why? Why?

Why is he wearing a medium?

I mean, nobody's gonna see that.

Police have just apprehended
the suspect

and the question
on everyone's mind is,

"What does Max's Homemade
Cupcakes have to do with this?"

-(CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICKING)
-We have no comment.

Or future, or deodorant.

So leave us alone!

How did they know about this dump,
next door to the other dump?

As I'm saying it, I realize
our career is made up of two dumps.

Sounds like our career
has been drinking too much coffee.

The story is all over the paper.

They're calling those ladies
"The Cupcake Captives,"

calling that guy
"The Cupcake Captor,"

and calling the whole thing
"The Cupcake Catastrophe."

But you need not worry about it

reflecting badly
on your cupcake business.

Oh, no!
It's even in the fashion section.

There's a picture of our shirts
and it says,

"What not to wear, ever."

Okay, everybody calm down.

I'm mostly talking to myself.

The media is gonna do its thing.

I've been slandered
in the headlines before.

I was called "Ponzi Princess,"
"Bankrupt Barbie."

Looking back,
those were the best of times.

Oh, hello.

I was just about to take a tray
of Max and Caroline's

out to my reporter friends.

MAX: Sorry.

You can give those
Max and Caroline's

to this Max and Caroline.

Hi, everybody.

I'm depressed.

See, you can tell because
I'm only wearing half my hair.

Girls, I found this box outside your door.

And I was hoping
it was a shower present.

Since those selfish hostage girls
ruined my special day.

Man, I didn't even get
a freaking ribbon hat.

Do you want the tube top
I made out of the police tape?

I'm calling it a tape top.

Patent pending.

Come on, you guys.
This isn't about us.

We need to put this all in perspective.

We're all safe, and healthy, and...
Oh, my God!

Just when I can't take anymore,
here comes anymore.

"We are returning
the remainder of your t-shirt stock.

Our Rodney brand
cannot be associated with a product

at the center of an ongoing
criminal investigation.

Consider our contract
null and void."

This is so shocking.

Max, you can read?

So you just didn't want
to tell people the specials.

I can't believe this.

We waited so long
for something to happen

to our cupcake t-shirts.

Why that guy?

And on the one day he chooses

to not wear his
"Pull my finger" shirt.

This is Maria Alonso Gonzalez,
reporting to you live...

Max, what are you doing?
They'll see us.

No they won't.

Because all the cameras
are on Han right now.

Can you talk a little bit
about the women

behind Max's Homemade Cupcakes?

Let's just say Max and Caroline
are allergic to work,

much in the same way
Dilbert is allergic to Mondays.

(CLEARS THROAT) Moving on,
Maria Alonso Gonzalez,

would you care to come
into The Williamsburg Diner,

6355 Bedford Avenue,
open 8 a.m. till 2 a.m.

for our signature drink:
The Cupcake Captive Cosmo?

And for you gents,
The Captive Cape Cod?

Hey, get these cupcakes
out of the garbage.

I need to make room
for Han's body.

I'm keeping the head as
a warning to others who cross us.

We need to take back our
t-shirts' image by setting up

an interview with the news.
And by "we," I mean you.

Look, if I learned one thing
from my time on Cops,

it's that I can hop a fence
in three seconds flat.

If I learned two things,

it's that the camera
makes me look guilty.

Especially when it's a security
camera at Banana Republic.

I can't do it.

The world can't know that
Caroline Channing

is involved
in another high-profile crime.

And hasn't kept up
her nail maintenance, like, at all.

Fine.

Because if I learned
three things from Cops,

that it's best to surrender early
and not naked.

We really appreciate you
taking the time to talk to us.

If you really want to thank me,

how about I get some pixels
up over my grill?

I got some kids looking for me
and they don't need the help.

We don't have the capability
to do that.

This is live TV.

How about one of those
voice-distorting machines?

You know, make my voice
sound like a fat Transformer.

Um... no.

No problem.
I'll take care of that myself.

Been in this sitch before.

All right, in three, two...

Good evening.

-In Williamsburg...
-Max, I'm right here if you need me.

-I got this.
-...shocking "Cupcake Captives"

story, I'm here with
the owner, Max Black.

Hi, Maria.

Max, how upset were you
to see that Richard Griffin

was Max's Homemade Cupcakes'
biggest fan?

-I was really upset.
-Okay. Hi.

Stepping in.

Max is clearly so upset by all
this,

that she's lost her mind.

The one time I really
needed her, anyway.

Hi, Maria.

How will your company's
reputation recover

from doing business
with a man who held three women

in his apartment against
their will?

Look, people do terrible things.

And they do them wearing shirts.

That doesn't make
the shirt evil.

Now, if a shirt commits a crime,
lock it up.

You'll get no argument from me.

-Should I jump back in?
-I got this.

Okay, yeah.
That's all the time we have.

-Thank you.
-Thank you.

Caroline, thank you for trying
to throw me a shower.

I mean, we were never
really friends or close.

And, yeah.

I run away when I see you heading

toward the mailboxes
the same time as me--

Please stop thanking me.

Hey. Want to come to our place?

Those pig's feet haven't
gone bad.

I guess. It's hard to tell.

Yeah.

The best meat's under
the toe nails.

Is it?

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, my God! What's all this?

Oh, no, I'm so surprised.
No, I really am this time.

-So am I.
-Me, too.

Until this sausage,
I thought the grossest thing

I'd ever eaten was kale.

My God, I can't believe it.
Could anything be more wonderful?

Max, I can't believe
you did all this.

I thought you came to do what you
usually do when you get depressed.

Get drunk and throw the finger
at people from the stoop.

No stoop. But I am drunk.

You think
I could've done this sober?

I just figured, with everything
around us being so black lately,

I thought we needed a little pink.

You're right. We did.

Because our t-shirt business is over.

We still have to pay that bank loan.
Now, what?

We'll figure something out.
We always do.

Hey, girls, come quick.

We're gonna play "Guess Sophie's
Favorite Sex Position".

(CHEERING)

It's on all fours, watching
How To Get Away With Murder.

See? I told you I was gonna win.

And it just got black again.

Yeah, real black.

This is wet.
Max, did you already eat this?

I told you I don't like
a strawberry center.

I am not gonna beat
myself up about it.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0