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1
00:00:01,961 --> 00:00:04,751
Uh, it's like I'm back
in my mother's womb.
2
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,426
Only, there's food here.
3
00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:16,643
Ugh, those e-cigs are so stupid.
4
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,060
I mean, smoking real cigarettes
kills you
5
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,808
but smoking fake ones
makes me want to kill you.
6
00:00:23,022 --> 00:00:25,322
They're not smoking.
They're vaping.
7
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:29,359
He just passed it to her.
Someone's getting date vaped.
8
00:00:31,282 --> 00:00:34,162
I just figured out
the new phones.
9
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,244
Now I've got to figure out
how to smoke?
10
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,124
If I wanted to learn everything
all over again,
11
00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:40,619
I would have had a stroke.
12
00:00:43,753 --> 00:00:46,923
Hey, guys, sorry, but you're
not allowed to do that in here.
13
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,591
And I'm not talking
about your outfits.
14
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,336
I'll get to those
when I bring the check.
15
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,179
Relax, it's not a cigarette.
It has a battery.
16
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,427
Yeah, so does my vibrator but...
17
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,185
can't use that in here either.
18
00:01:02,438 --> 00:01:05,018
-(DINGS)
-I didn't approve that rule.
19
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,190
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
20
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:10,986
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
21
00:01:19,287 --> 00:01:22,457
Well, I think we ordered
too many of our cupcake tees.
22
00:01:22,665 --> 00:01:24,415
There are more
unworn shirts here
23
00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:26,843
than in Matthew McConaughey's
closet.
24
00:01:28,671 --> 00:01:30,171
Hey, girls.
25
00:01:32,301 --> 00:01:35,011
Look at me.
I got my Sunday bra on
26
00:01:35,221 --> 00:01:37,101
because I just came from church.
27
00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,902
Was it my church?
The Church of Latter-Day Sluts?
28
00:01:43,896 --> 00:01:47,106
Oleg and I are looking for one
to get married in.
29
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,068
And it's got to have
a wheelchair ramp
30
00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:50,784
because I've got a lot of
cousins
31
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,034
who were born without leg bones.
32
00:01:54,823 --> 00:01:56,913
I'm so excited for you, Sophie.
33
00:01:57,033 --> 00:01:59,203
You deserve all the happiness
in the world.
34
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:02,253
I mean, so do I, but that's
obviously not happening.
35
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:05,536
Are you done
with your pity-party?
36
00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:08,134
Because I got to speak to Max.
37
00:02:08,419 --> 00:02:11,969
Max, do you wanna be
my maid of honor?
38
00:02:13,259 --> 00:02:15,679
I would rather be eaten alive
by a rabbit...
39
00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:21,392
which would take a long time
and be a lot less embarrassing.
40
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,685
Sophie, you don't really want me
to be your maid of honor.
41
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:28,189
That's right. I don't.
42
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:31,070
So, why are we even talking
about it?
43
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,199
Sophie, as honored as I am
that you asked,
44
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,992
it's just not really my thing,
you know, man?
45
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:42,657
It's just really not your thing?
It's nobody's thing.
46
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,913
You just do it
because you're supposed to,
47
00:02:45,039 --> 00:02:47,669
like bleaching your teeth
or your anus.
48
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,510
Thank God I'm off the list
49
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:59,176
because that bridesmaid spa day
is gonna be rough.
50
00:03:00,973 --> 00:03:02,353
Look, I'm sorry, it's just,
51
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,229
I was a maid of honor
in fifth grade
52
00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:06,063
when my mom married
her cult leader.
53
00:03:07,270 --> 00:03:08,650
And then she was
my maid of honor
54
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,233
when I married him a week later.
55
00:03:10,316 --> 00:03:13,146
So I'm kind
of maid-of-honored out.
56
00:03:14,485 --> 00:03:17,105
Maybe I'll get one
of my old sorority sisters
57
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:18,701
to be my bridesmaid.
58
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:20,704
I'm gonna go home
59
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:24,452
and find out which one is still
thin enough to fly commercial.
60
00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:29,419
All right, where are we gonna
store all these shirts?
61
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:30,955
It's already too crowded in here
62
00:03:31,127 --> 00:03:33,297
with all the cupcakes, shame
and failure.
63
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,628
We'll sell some of these
at the cupcake window,
64
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:38,011
twenty of these are already
going
65
00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,594
to that fancy boutique
in Manhattan,
66
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:41,759
and the rest,
maybe we'll get lucky
67
00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,470
and find a gay
little league team.
68
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:47,805
Oh, I know. Let's get drunk.
69
00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,733
That's your solution
to everything.
70
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:51,944
Seriously.
71
00:03:52,274 --> 00:03:54,284
We need to just take some
to that new bar
72
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:56,192
where idiots pay $20
for a drink.
73
00:03:56,694 --> 00:03:59,914
Drunk and stupid,
that's our target audience.
74
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:04,239
And also, the special skills
I've listed on my resume.
75
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,963
So you're saying
we're gonna stoop so low
76
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,710
as to sell T-shirts
out of a duffle bag in a bar?
77
00:04:11,961 --> 00:04:13,091
Yeah, we're there.
78
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:20,046
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)
79
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:23,307
How much do you think this pays?
Because I can do that.
80
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:26,726
Yes, you can. All you need
is a stepladder and boobs.
81
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,401
We're at, like, the
Star Trek: Next Generation bar.
82
00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:32,188
Keep your eyes peeled
for Whoopi Goldberg
83
00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:33,364
in a crazy hat.
84
00:04:34,066 --> 00:04:35,476
I can't believe
I'm selling T-shirts
85
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,858
out of a duffle bag
in the future, too.
86
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:41,202
Yeah. I fully support
mixing business and pleasure.
87
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:44,617
Best sex I ever had was
with my boss at a Panera Bread.
88
00:04:45,827 --> 00:04:47,247
I thought you said
the best sex you ever had
89
00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:49,253
was with a dude
with six fingers.
90
00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:50,959
Same guy.
91
00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:53,457
Man, could he make
a sandwich crazy fast.
92
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,295
Hi. Wanna buy a cool tee
for your girlfriend?
93
00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,088
Let me see
if my girlfriend wants a tee.
94
00:04:59,382 --> 00:05:01,092
You want a tee, honey?
95
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,602
Hey. Hey. Not so fast.
96
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,637
They say "cream filled"
on the back.
97
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,179
Huh, boys? Anything?
98
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,559
Wow, gays aren't fun
in the future.
99
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,573
Hey.
100
00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:18,652
And Jesus comes back
in the future.
101
00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:21,153
So what's in the bag?
102
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:24,622
I've never met a girl at a bar
with actual baggage.
103
00:05:25,658 --> 00:05:28,078
That's funny because
you mean like emotional.
104
00:05:29,872 --> 00:05:31,422
You're really beautiful.
105
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:34,210
You weren't nearly this hot
in the book.
106
00:05:36,127 --> 00:05:37,497
So can I get you ladies a drink?
107
00:05:37,713 --> 00:05:40,263
Sure, you could just change
this water into wine.
108
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:43,587
Can you, like, do this for me,
just, like, once?
109
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:48,772
-Drinks on me.
-Oh, lucky them.
110
00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:51,726
I haven't heard I'm beautiful
111
00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,314
from a non-homeless person
in months.
112
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,270
Well, with that hair,
the jury's still out.
113
00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,241
Hey, can I kiss you?
114
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:02,574
I suppose a peck wouldn't...
115
00:06:05,365 --> 00:06:07,575
Say what?
116
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,253
-I'm James.
-I'm wet.
117
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:16,789
Because my arm was sitting
in water on the bar.
118
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,211
That was so hot, Max.
119
00:06:20,379 --> 00:06:22,879
I have, like,
this animal attraction to him.
120
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:25,795
What animal?
The Horny Nerd?
121
00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:28,345
I'll leave.
You stay and do your thing.
122
00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:30,434
-But we came together.
-Yeah, I know you guys did.
123
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,477
It happened, like, the second
he kissed you.
124
00:06:33,185 --> 00:06:35,185
I don't do this.
I just met him.
125
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:37,523
Look, Caroline.
I haven't read the Bible.
126
00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,938
But I know
that when Jesus returns,
127
00:06:40,149 --> 00:06:42,989
you must follow him
back to his apartment.
128
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:47,527
Let go,
let God get to third base.
129
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:55,424
Max, where's Caroline?
130
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:56,999
I haven't seen her all day.
131
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:58,747
But I'm guessing
she's in heaven.
132
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:02,457
-I'm here, I'm here.
-Nope, she's in hell.
133
00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:06,763
Walk of shame, party of one.
134
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,972
Girl. Gi-irl.
135
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,766
Tell me everything
that happened.
136
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:16,273
Leave out no details.
137
00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:18,863
It was insane.
I mean, like, so hot.
138
00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,441
Like the Caribbean
or our shower that one time.
139
00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:28,873
What are you two celebrating?
I know it isn't a job well done.
140
00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:32,697
We are celebrating the release
141
00:07:32,870 --> 00:07:35,370
of the new Star Wars: Episode VII
trailer online.
142
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,172
Seriously? (LAUGHS)
143
00:07:42,086 --> 00:07:44,916
Max, we did everything.
We--
144
00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:47,381
Oleg, can you give us
some privacy?
145
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,554
What?
I can't be in the ladies' room.
146
00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:51,097
I can't be in the kitchen.
147
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:59,613
-So did you...
-No.
148
00:08:00,189 --> 00:08:01,269
Well, did you...
149
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:03,980
No.
150
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:06,186
Well, did you at least...
151
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,777
Oh, God, no!
152
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:12,701
Well, what did you do?
Water a plant together?
153
00:08:14,952 --> 00:08:16,702
We had sex.
154
00:08:17,456 --> 00:08:20,626
Last night and today.
That's a big thing for me.
155
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:23,130
And, yes, it was.
156
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:27,335
Yes.
That was obvious in the bar.
157
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,337
Skinny jeans
are just boner X-rays.
158
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:36,273
-Oh, no. Oh, no.
-What, rat in the slaw again?
159
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,523
My rings.
I left them at his place.
160
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:42,561
I have to get them back.
They're half my belongings.
161
00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:47,028
So just text him and say, "Yo,
I left my rings, nice wiener,"
162
00:08:47,277 --> 00:08:48,947
a hundred emojis, send.
163
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,324
Max, I can't text a guy first.
164
00:08:52,783 --> 00:08:55,873
It's bad enough I have
a Groupon for intimacy oil.
165
00:08:56,953 --> 00:09:01,083
Look, worst-case scenario,
the McRib is gone for good.
166
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,590
Second worst-case scenario,
167
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,754
we can always implement
the two-week rule.
168
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:07,884
"The two-week rule"?
169
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,128
Wait, isn't that how long
you have to eat Pad Thai
170
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:11,839
before it becomes bad Thai?
171
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,100
No, you really have
to read my book.
172
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,758
It means if he doesn't text
for two weeks,
173
00:09:16,932 --> 00:09:18,642
you can break in
and get your stuff.
174
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,274
All that fancy school
and you didn't learn nothing.
175
00:09:29,485 --> 00:09:31,025
Two weeks and nothing.
176
00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,197
I really thought he'd text.
177
00:09:34,323 --> 00:09:36,533
I also thought Grown Ups 2
should have won the Oscar.
178
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:41,660
Still got it. Come on.
179
00:09:43,625 --> 00:09:46,535
Wait, before I lose
the rest of my self-esteem--
180
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:49,208
Tell that to the wall
you're currently straddling.
181
00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,758
Let me just check my phone
one more time to see if he--
182
00:09:53,552 --> 00:09:55,722
Nope. Self-esteem gone.
183
00:09:58,597 --> 00:10:01,137
-I'm afraid to jump.
-Jump, whore, jump.
184
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,888
I sound like my mom
teaching me how to swim.
185
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:09,442
(GRUNTS) I did it. I did it.
186
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:12,320
That was, like, two feet.
I've snorted lines longer.
187
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:16,866
All right.
Just another Tuesday.
188
00:10:17,241 --> 00:10:20,161
Going all Bling Ring
in Jesus' backyard.
189
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,623
There.
That's his bedroom window.
190
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:24,078
I know
because we had to close it,
191
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,959
since I'm kind of loud.
192
00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:28,128
Oh, what are you like
during sex?
193
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,803
What do I do if he's home?
194
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,260
Do you want me to kill him fast
or do you want him to suffer?
195
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:36,296
And by that, I mean,
do you want me to hold him
196
00:10:36,427 --> 00:10:38,097
while you ask him
why he didn't call?
197
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,426
He's not home.
198
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:41,812
According to this Instagram,
199
00:10:41,932 --> 00:10:43,272
he's at Chipotle talking
to a guy
200
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,813
with a parrot on his shoulder.
201
00:10:45,269 --> 00:10:47,689
He had no time to pop off
a text to me.
202
00:10:51,525 --> 00:10:54,145
Oh, it's stuck and I can't fit
my boobs through there.
203
00:10:54,363 --> 00:10:56,493
I can barely fit them
through the Holland Tunnel.
204
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,580
Fine. I'm going in.
205
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,373
Finally,
having no boobs pays off.
206
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,544
Lift my legs up. Ow!
207
00:11:02,703 --> 00:11:03,833
Okay, but your legs in the air
208
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:05,245
kind of got you here
to begin with.
209
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:09,503
Uh-oh.
210
00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:10,796
What "oh"?
211
00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,051
I don't remember him
having a floral duvet.
212
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,261
-Or a bedside toilet.
-Woof!
213
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:20,425
Or a dog!
Pull me out! Pull me out!
214
00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:21,644
You've got to read my book.
215
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,522
I have a whole chapter
on pulling out.
216
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:27,809
No, no, no.
Oh, stop licking me.
217
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:31,190
-Buster? Buster?
-Someone's coming.
218
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,897
Someone's coming
or getting licked?
219
00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:34,950
Maybe you are
in the right apartment.
220
00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,146
Argh!
221
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:40,534
Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!
222
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,370
No, no. This is a big mistake.
223
00:11:42,576 --> 00:11:44,616
Ben, call the cops!
224
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,418
We got
another crack addict here!
225
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:51,922
We don't have crack here!
226
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:56,376
We don't have crack here!
And tell your friends!
227
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,179
(SIREN BLARES)
228
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:13,733
If these match the prints found
at an Arby's break-in in '07,
229
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:15,359
it's purely coincidental.
230
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:18,316
I can't believe
this is happening to me.
231
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:21,447
-My life is over.
-Look at the camera.
232
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,371
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
233
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:28,080
-I'm so humiliated.
-And turn to the side.
234
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:30,294
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
235
00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:33,835
Ma'am, this isn't
"Vogue: Behind Bars".
236
00:12:35,838 --> 00:12:37,968
Sorry, Officer, she's a virgin.
237
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,926
Me, myself, spent some time
in the juvie system
238
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,142
up in Providence.
239
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:44,178
You know a family court
judge named Shelly?
240
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:46,059
No. Go.
241
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,520
Oh, Officer, hold.
242
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:56,110
Thanks, but stay away during
the full-body cavity search.
243
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,903
-Proceed.
-You think?
244
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:02,870
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
245
00:13:04,201 --> 00:13:06,871
So, you girls broke
into an old lady's house,
246
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,040
got halfway through the window
and stole absolutely nothing.
247
00:13:10,539 --> 00:13:11,629
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
248
00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,882
Glad I am protecting the city
from you.
249
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,173
I mean, ISIS who, right?
250
00:13:17,254 --> 00:13:19,134
All right. Let's go.
251
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:22,719
If he had just texted me,
none of this would be happening.
252
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,639
I wouldn't be in prison,
I'd be home.
253
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:26,098
My other prison.
254
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:29,226
Wait, if who had texted you?
255
00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:30,430
Thanks for asking.
256
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:34,062
This guy I slept with
didn't text me for two weeks
257
00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,608
after we had sex, and I left
my rings at his place, so I--
258
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,026
You did the two-week rule?
259
00:13:41,529 --> 00:13:43,989
Yeah.
But she got the wrong apartment
260
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:46,865
because, knowing her, her eyes
were closed the whole time.
261
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,914
Well, why didn't you say so?
262
00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,330
We got a two-week rule
over here!
263
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:56,785
Stay right over here.
We'll get you out soon.
264
00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:59,459
I left my billy club
at the Captain's house.
265
00:13:59,713 --> 00:14:00,923
He's got three more days.
266
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:06,007
See? See?
It's gonna be fine.
267
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:07,638
We'll just chill here
for an hour.
268
00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,386
It's like an edgier
Lens Crafters.
269
00:14:11,308 --> 00:14:12,888
What am I gonna tell my father?
270
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:15,306
A prison to prison call?
271
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:17,730
I can't be here.
I can't be here.
272
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:19,901
No! No! Come back!
We were good!
273
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:22,397
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
274
00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:23,858
Dumb move.
275
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,374
Dumber than me and the Captain.
276
00:14:28,659 --> 00:14:32,039
Let me guess, our glasses
won't be ready in an hour.
277
00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:41,173
I can't believe you got us
arrested in jail.
278
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:45,801
Where are we going?
I mean, besides nowhere in life.
279
00:14:46,635 --> 00:14:49,175
You girls lost your
get-out-of-jail-free card.
280
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:51,266
You're gonna have to get someone
to bail you out.
281
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:52,805
You're going
in the holding cell.
282
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,889
Yo! Fresh meat!
283
00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:59,975
Sorry, I have a reputation
to uphold.
284
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,202
-Max, I'm scared.
-I got this.
285
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:12,543
Yo!
She's already my bitch.
286
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,997
So she can't be anyone else's!
Sorry!
287
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,340
-Hold my belt.
-What?
288
00:15:19,501 --> 00:15:20,671
Do it!
289
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:25,592
-'Sup, 'sup?
-Cool, cool.
290
00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:28,929
Fifty women, one toilet?
291
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,308
It's like backstage at The View.
292
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:36,935
Max, I can't handle this.
I can't handle this.
293
00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:39,112
I couldn't even watch
The Green Mile.
294
00:15:39,813 --> 00:15:41,943
Relax. This is play-jail.
295
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:43,614
It's not like
we're doing real time.
296
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,145
Just put on your game face.
297
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,448
I don't have a game face.
298
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:50,197
Unless the game is
"I Give Up, My Life Is Over",
299
00:15:50,366 --> 00:15:51,826
then this will do.
300
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,159
Well, do something
301
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,120
because that's about
to get wiped off your face
302
00:15:57,248 --> 00:15:58,458
by the bruiser
covered in tattoos
303
00:15:58,582 --> 00:15:59,882
making her way to us right now.
304
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,301
Hey. You guys signing up
for the talent show?
305
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:07,838
Excuse me?
306
00:16:08,551 --> 00:16:10,971
Yeah. Some of us have been
in here for days
307
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,346
due to prison overcrowding.
308
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:14,604
So the guards let us
put on a show.
309
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,730
As long as nobody dies.
310
00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,614
Wow, prison has changed.
311
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,685
Maybe I have a
Norman Rockwell idea of prison,
312
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:25,936
but what happened to shanking
a snitch in the food line?
313
00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:29,283
Oh, a talent show,
that's not scary at all.
314
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:31,867
You know, I won
my yacht club talent show
315
00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,910
three years in a row,
in the ten to 13 division.
316
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:38,866
That's crazy. I'm looking at
ten to 13 for grand theft auto.
317
00:16:40,125 --> 00:16:41,995
Where are my manners?
I'm Tanaya.
318
00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,381
I'm Max. This is Caroline.
319
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,514
But you can call us
by our gang names,
320
00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:49,255
White Lightning
and The Blade.
321
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:54,720
Sophie, I need you to bail me
and Caroline out of jail.
322
00:16:54,889 --> 00:16:56,309
We got charged
with breaking and entering,
323
00:16:56,432 --> 00:16:58,432
which is also what Caroline
let a guy do to her
324
00:16:58,559 --> 00:16:59,809
and that's why we're here.
325
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:05,612
Oh, jeez, Max.
I mean, that's a tough call.
326
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:10,396
I mean, I don't know if I can.
327
00:17:13,199 --> 00:17:16,079
Yeah, it's really not my thing.
328
00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:18,371
You know, man?
329
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,044
I get it. I deserved that.
330
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:26,089
I said no to you,
so you're saying no to me.
331
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:29,508
Like the old saying,
"Tit for bigger tat."
332
00:17:30,759 --> 00:17:32,089
Yeah. Mmm.
333
00:17:32,676 --> 00:17:34,046
All right, let's see.
334
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:39,181
I would bail my maid of honor
out of jail.
335
00:17:40,058 --> 00:17:42,478
Fine. Fine.
I'll be your maid of honor.
336
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,189
I'll buy you penis straws
337
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:47,105
and those glasses
where the nose is a penis.
338
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:49,152
Yeah.
And the penis-shaped pasta?
339
00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:51,454
I'll do it all.
340
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:53,569
I can handle the slammer
341
00:17:53,698 --> 00:17:55,528
but Caroline
doesn't stand a chance.
342
00:17:55,825 --> 00:17:58,865
I saw a woman looking at her
like she's a cartoon pork chop.
343
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:04,213
Okay. Well, I'll see you soon.
And watch your back.
344
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:09,300
You know what? It's a ladies'
prison, so watch your front.
345
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:18,774
-Is this your card?
-No.
346
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,345
-(GASPING)
-Yes!
347
00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:23,062
Yes, that's my card.
Amazing.
348
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,688
Okay. What'd I miss?
349
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,817
The magic show
and the improv troupe.
350
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,605
They asked the audience
for a word.
351
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:31,937
I said, "Help."
352
00:18:33,028 --> 00:18:34,818
Sophie's coming down
with bail money,
353
00:18:34,948 --> 00:18:36,528
as soon as her turkey
is out of the oven.
354
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,582
So four, four and a half hours,
depending on the stuffing.
355
00:18:40,411 --> 00:18:43,581
Thank God. Wait.
Bail for both of us, right?
356
00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,503
That wasn't her original offer.
357
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,206
But after some negotiating,
we got there.
358
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:49,546
What did you have to do to--
359
00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:51,420
Max, you didn't agree to--
360
00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:55,218
Yup. Picture me in something
low-cut and peach.
361
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:58,176
A slutty peach.
362
00:18:58,762 --> 00:19:02,142
You'd do that for me?
I'm touched and shocked.
363
00:19:02,349 --> 00:19:03,599
I thought you'd have forgotten
me,
364
00:19:03,684 --> 00:19:04,694
had sex with the door guard,
365
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,599
and been halfway
across the parking lot by now.
366
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,900
Yeah, well, he wasn't into me,
so...
367
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:19,700
Walk of shame, party of two.
368
00:19:20,285 --> 00:19:22,155
Girls,
I heard you got locked up.
369
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,828
Yup. We have to do
30 hours of community service
370
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,745
and Caroline won six minutes
of privacy
371
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,495
on the toilet
in the talent show.
372
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:30,170
Well, not so private.
373
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,756
I had to tinkle
while a woman in work boots
374
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:34,591
made heavy eye-contact.
375
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,549
I went to prison once
376
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,388
for being at the wrong place
at the wrong time.
377
00:19:39,554 --> 00:19:41,894
Meaning, I was down south.
378
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:47,017
Look who's back
from the big house.
379
00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:49,561
Every house is a big house
for you, Han.
380
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:52,190
Watch your step, ex-con,
381
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,565
or I'll get them
to haul you back in
382
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:55,572
for impersonating a waitress.
383
00:19:57,614 --> 00:20:00,664
I can't believe I'm saying this
but I missed this place.
384
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,830
When I was up in the pen, doing
time with my girl, Tanaya--
385
00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:06,497
Well, orange you the new black?
386
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:10,042
So did you two have fun
in ladies' prison?
387
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,000
And tell me, is it anything like
388
00:20:12,127 --> 00:20:14,457
the 17 triple X movies I have
with that title?
389
00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:17,929
Okay, so I lost two
of my best rings.
390
00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:19,969
So I'm out $11.
391
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,390
I realized I'm tougher
than I thought.
392
00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,812
I sang in prison.
I had a one-night stand.
393
00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:26,926
I'm practically Johnny Cash.
394
00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,975
Well, Johnny No Cash.
395
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:35,111
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
396
00:20:36,234 --> 00:20:38,954
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
397
00:20:58,090 --> 00:21:00,680
(English US - SDH)
398
00:21:00,730 --> 00:21:05,280
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