All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s04e05 Brand Job

I'm Max. I'll be your waitress,

because they don't do
background checks here.

You'll be our waitress.

I never guessed that
based on the uniform

and name tag that says "Max."

You know I make,
like, three dollars, right?

I realize that's a lot of money
in the 1920s

where you two are from.

Here, open this and bring us
two clean glasses.

Sure, Not-So-Great Gatsby.

Hey, OJ and Nicole.

Rude snobs at table ten.
You know what that means.

-Wine swap?
-Let's roll.

Hey, Oleg, I need one
of those two dollar merlots

you get from your cousin
with the hole in his neck.

Caroline, price check.

Oh, Chateau Pavie, 2008.
Very expensive.

But, hey, we deserve it.

Here, better let it breathe.

It was in my gym bag.

Not a problem.

This vintage pairs well
with jockstrap.

Do you think waitresses did this
to me when I had money?

Only if you had an attitude.

-So that's a yes.
-So that's a yes.

I can't remember
if this reminds me

of an old heist movie I saw

or an old heist
I actually participated in.

I know.
We're like Ocean's 7-11.

All we're missing
is a tiny Asian guy

who can fit into small boxes.

Hello.

Table ten is looking
for their wine.

Oh, not a problem.
Coming right up.

What did you do?
Why is she smiling?

Are my pants on fire again?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

-(RAT SQUEAKING)
-Oh, yeah, take that, sucker.

Max, when I said we need
to move the cupcakes,

I didn't mean through the air
at a rodent's head.

Hey, he ran up the window,

so it's kind of a
stand-your-ground situation.

(THUD)

Okay, we're on a time-out.
He's eating my ammo.

Max, business is down again,

and the only phrase
I've said more than that is,

"Please, God,
take me in my sleep."

I mean, it's clear.
Not getting ahead.

Oh, is that what your mood
is about?

You're not getting any ahead?

'Cause I can take care of that
with one call.

You are not hooking me up
with that guy

who's listed in your phone
as "Oral Redenbacher."

Max, this is our future.

We need to get serious
about making money.

Absolutely.
Let's leave early.

"Leave early"?
Who are we, Congress?

Do you think other business
got successful by leaving early?

No, they did it
by hiring illegals

and moving
their bank accounts offshore.

We can't leave early.

The sign says
"Open until 2 a.m."

Well, I'm open
to getting a new sign

that says "closed."

I mean, are we supposed
to just hang around here

and wait for whatever nut jobs
are trolling around town?

Hi, girls.

Guess what Oleg and I
are going to do

that will probably give me
Hep C.

A three way with Tommy Lee?

No, silly.
We're getting matching tattoos.

We want something that
represents our relationship.

So maybe two butterflies
doing the nasty

during CSI: Miami.

Wow, you two,
his and her tats.

Romantic and will help
identify the bodies.

Sure,

you know, matching tattoos
are the deepest expression of commitment.

Well, matching tattoos

and pooping
in front of each other.

I'm not gonna do
it in front of my man.

I poop at McDonald's
'cause I'm a lady.

Thanks for the cupcake.

We really have
to start charging her.

Charge her with what,
first-degree man-settling?

Max, as I was saying,

it's time to get serious
about the business.

Absolutely.
Let's leave early.

What? Last night after one o'clock,
we made only 15 dollars, right?

14.63.

What? Math is my thing.

Would you roll your eyes
if you were standing across

from Eminem
and he started rapping?

Yes.

I'd be all, "Dude, you're 60.
Sit on a porch swing."

Okay, look, here is 15 dollars.

That'll cover what we'll
probably make. I'm leaving.

You're just gonna leave me here?

Yup, I'm leaving
as soon as I get my change back

from that 14.63.

Fine, just tell me
how much that is.

Or maybe sooner.

This is a very big day for me.

Why, because of this totally
out-of-the-blue order

we got to do cupcakes
for this business seminar?

No, the first time I've entered
a Sheridan through a door.

Usually it's by window
or freight elevator.

And one time, I rolled in

under some girl's
quinceañera dress.

The seminar's about to start.

I have unclaimed name tags
for Pamela, Ellen...

What kind of losers
would come to this?

...Max, Caroline.

I wouldn't call us losers.

Are you here?

Okay, so there is
no cupcake order.

I signed us up for this seminar.

I carried cupcakes
on a subway for nothing?

The annoying woman next to me
talked the whole time.

I was sitting next to you, Max.

Look, I knew
you wouldn't come otherwise

and you need to be here.

This is a business intervention.

It's not an intervention.

Max, your behavior lately

has affected me
in the following ways.

I can't believe this.

At least
in my other interventions

I was drunk.

We need to do this seminar.
Gordon Kepper is a genius.

He's gonna give our business
a real bump.

Guys giving me a bump

is why they threw me
that second intervention.

Let's go.

Oh, okay. See you.

So this is your new thing, Max?

You're just gonna walk out
on me?

Actually, it's an old thing.

In fact,
it's kind of a family tradition.

I learned it from my father,
whoever he is.

Come on. It's just two days.

Two days? No way.
No freaking way.

There's a buffet
and a dessert bar.

Ooh, okay.

Wait here, I'll go pay.
I brought some cash.

And they'll take an expired
Target gift card, right?

Oh, we are not paying.

Here. Here, Pamela.

Follow Ellen
to the freight elevator.

No way, Max.
We are not sneaking in.

-How much is this thing?
-1000 dollars.

We're sneaking in, Ellen.

Now, you all are here today

not only to find out
what you are as a business

but to find out who you are.

I'm a lady hoping there's
macaroni and cheese at that buffet.

Who are you is your brand

and saying that a brand
is simply a name

is like saying, "Abraham Lincoln
is simply a name,"

or, "Mahatma Gandhi, God."

Who does this guy think he is?

I'm sure you're wondering,
"Who does this guy think he is?"

Okay, that was weird.

And maybe this seems weird.

I've got chills.

When it comes to business,
people come to me all the time.

They say, "Gordon, business
is hard but I do what I can."

And they shrug.
Now, is that the right attitude?

-No.
-Yes.

To those people, I say,
"Don't do what you can.

Can what you do."

Don't do what you can.
Can what you do.

Get it? Do you get it?

-Yes.
-No.

-You did not get it.
-Shh.

Everybody, reach under your chairs
and pick up what you find there.

Hope it's a way out of here.

Koosh balls?

Inside those cans,

you will find the key
to success in your business.

Not unless the key
is Rosie O'Donnell's career

before her buzz cut.

Truth. That's the big secret
to business.

If people buy
what you're saying,

they will buy
what you're selling.

Max, stay alert.
This could go to cult like that.

I like to think of those things
you're holding

as my truth balls.

Screw this.
Let's get to the meatballs.

Anytime in the next two days,

one of you is up here
selling you something

that you feel is just bull.

Then toss it--

Max! I mean, Ellen.

Yeah, baby.

That is what I'm talking about.

Whoever threw that is not afraid
to really go for it,

and that will go a long way
toward success in business.

All right, cool, but is it
a long way to the buffet?

Because I am starving.

Okay, everyone.

Consider these small groups
you've broken into

as little think tanks.

I need you to work together
and bring out your very best.

(SNORING)

-Max.
-Don't blame me.

Blame the heavy cream
at the fettuccine bar.

Alfredo must be Italian
for "roofie."

So, Ellen,
tell us what you have

and I'll tell you what we think.

Oh, Ellen. That's you.

Oh, yes, yes, that's me.
I'm Ellen.

Definitely an Ellen.
See, I dance.

Okay.

Okay. Okay, now it's weird.

So, Ellen...

...let's hear your B.B.B.

Your brilliant business brand.

Uh, um-- I--

I don't do the talking.

Pamela does the talking.
Pam?

Thanks, Ellen. Hello, everyone,
my name is Pam...

Panning,

and what my partner, Ellen,
was trying to say is,

we making very beautiful
artisan cupcakes.

Yeah, but they're still cool.

I never said they weren't cool.

Yeah, maybe
they just didn't sound cool

coming out of your face.

I'm sorry, but at least actual words
are better than "uh, uh-uh, uh..."

Ladies, hold.
Sometimes in business

partners' ships will sail
in two different directions,

so you two need to find out

if you're gonna continue
to sail apart

or if you're gonna change course

and reconvene at the port
of mutual understanding.

Well, we can't sail
too far apart

because I'm definitely
gonna have to explain

what you just said to her.

I got it.

I'm a boat, and I'm trying
to get away from you.

Sounds right to me.

Think it over.

Talk it over
with your first mate.

(CHUCKLES)

Come back tomorrow

and tell me
who your business is

and I'll help guide you
toward that purpose.

And remember, you can't spell
purpose without--

-Puss.
-Okay, wow.

Gordon, her boat's kind of
in shallow water right now,

but we're gonna go away,
get it together

and come back
and blow you away.

And you can't spell
"blow you away" without--

Our ship's leaving.

Oh, hello.

Welcome to the
Williamsburg Diner.

Can I get you anything,
like a work ethic?

Han, this is adorable
but we're busy.

We're pitching
our business brand tomorrow

and Max and I need
to get on the same page.

Yeah, we don't want to work here
the rest of our lives.

Well, now we're all
on the same page.

Han, just give us ten minutes.
Then we'll get to work.

Well, I've waited four years.
What's another ten minutes?

Max, I have to say
I was a little thrown

by that thing you said today.

What, that the best sex
I've ever had

was alone
on the Tilt-A-Whirl?

No, why would that throw me?
You say that every day.

No, that thing about me
not sounding cool.

Why would that throw you?
I say it every day.

Yes, but not about the business.

So what was it?
The word "artisan"?

Okay, first of all,
it sounds like fart-isan.

As in, "A fart is in this room
right now."

Somebody finally called you out
on it, Caroline.

So, I was thinking
our slogan could be,

"Max's Homemade Cupcakes.
Sugar and Spice."

I'd rather go with Fart-isan.

Really, Beavis?

What does your business partner
Butthead think?

Our business isn't working.

Well, guess who is working.
Me, the damn owner.

Why are you surprised?

You know how many cupcakes
we're not selling.

I mean, you're secretly eating
at least six a night

to make me think
we're selling more.

Also because I'm sad.

Look, I know you went to Wharton
and all, but--

Wait, what's happening?

Is this a business intervention
on me?

From someone who pronounces
the word business, "bidness"?

Why are you giving me
the big eye-painting face?

You knew the business
wasn't working.

Well, I don't hear you coming up
with any ideas.

That's because you don't listen.

Remember when I said
we should stop making

all these flowery cupcakes

and just make ones
that say mean things

like "eat it" and "lick me"?

Your big business plan

is cupcakes that say "eat it"
and "lick me"?

And other funny things like
"loser" or "eat your feelings."

Why not just shoot people
in the face

when they come to the window?

And I thought the back
of our T-shirt

could just say, "cream filled."

So funny if, like,
a hot girl was wearing it.

And even funnier
if it was a fat guy.

Okay, maybe, like Gordon said,

our partner ships are going
in different directions.

My sugar and spice ship
is going one way,

and your mean and ugly
booze cruise is going another.

So how about tomorrow,
I'll sail my ship

and you can sail yours, Ellen.

Done. And, Pam, I know
you think your ship don't sink

but it does.

So, Hannah, Todd, go.

Tell us, who is your business?

We make guitar case suitcases.

Yeah, they're suitcases
that look like guitar cases

so you can look cool
at the airport.

So far, no truth balls.

That means we believe
you're telling some truth

of who you are.
Business is always...

Okay, Ellen.

So what, their big idea is just
throwing your crap in a guitar case?

Well, it's no fart-isan cupcake.

Todd, Hannah,
did you get together

with our graphic artist
to help create a logo?

Yes, we did.

We stayed up all night,

and to be honest,
it got kind of weird.

That's our logo,

and our company's called
I'm With the Band.

Back off!
She just got out of rehab!

Business is not for the faint
of heart or coke addicts.

Next up,
we've got Ellen and Pam.

Let's give 'em some love.

Max, you're really not
gonna go up there

and sell your idea
as a business plan.

Yup, and I feel pretty good
about it.

Okay, well,
then I hope you enjoy

lots of balls in your face.

If I didn't at Burning Man,
I doubt I will here.

Gordon, hi.
As you predicted,

today we'll be presenting
our brands separately.

Okay, looks like we have us
a brand off, folks.

This is exciting.

I am feeling it!

Ellen, I know you're not used
to being alone.

Neither was I,
hence wife number three.

Don't rush.

Take some time
to get yourself centered.

Yo, yo, yo.
What's happening, Sheridan.

Ellen in the house.
Let me hear some noise.

Yeah. Oh, all right, all right.
We got some haters.

That's cool.

Ellen, did you design a logo?

Sure did.
Show it, player.

George, she's talking to you.

Oh, good impact.
Boom, cupcake business.

But where's the name
of your business?

Oh, I didn't want one.
I just wanted it to be cool.

So let me get this correct.

You want to make T-shirts
for your business

with no business connection.
Okay.

This is your journey,
but it might end here.

No, no, no, see, it's a cupcake,

and we sell cupcakes
so that's the bidness.

Okay, you know what?
Screw this.

That T-shirt is way cool

and if you can't see it,

this seminar is so not worth
the $1000 I paid.

Peace out.

(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)

In business,
we call that a meltdown.

It happens.

So why don't we bring up
Ellen's former partner, Pam.

Let's give Pam
a round of applause.

Max, I don't have
to go up there.

Come on, we can just leave.

Oh, look who wants to pack up
their guitar suitcase and go.

You know what?
I was only leaving

because you failed.
I believe in my ideas.

Good afternoon.
Hello, hi.

I represent
Max's Homemade Cupcakes.

I'm gonna stop you right there.
Why Max's cupcakes?

Why not Ellen's or Pam's?

Well, Max was...

Max is this very special person

and the inspiration
behind our whole business.

Got it. So Max is an emotional
touchstone for you and your business.

Yes.

GORDON:
Valid. Go on.

Great. So the logo...

George.

This is our current company logo
and I feel it works just fine.

I mean, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it, right? Okay.

Well, the cupcake shows
a mix of sweet imagery

because we're two girls trying

to retro-repurpose the phrase

"Sugar and spice
and everything nice."

Hey, hey, hey!
Leave Pam alone!

I'm fine, Ellen.
They can't shut me down

because I believe in us

and our special brand
of artisan cupcakes.

Why?

No! No! No!

No! No! Give me!

Eat it, you losers!
Eat it, eat it!

I see
the truth balls have stopped.

It looks like
"Eat it, eat it, you losers,"

might just be your brand.

You two are a combination
of sugar and spice

and things not so nice.

GORDON:
Speaking of truth,

I need you to pay Sandra
for the seminar.

As much as I admire your pluck,

twelve trips to the pasta bar
aren't free.

-Come on, Pam.
-Yeah, let's go, Ellen.

I'm Ellen.

Guess what I have under my coat.

Well, I know
it's not a boob reduction.

What do you think?
Cool, huh?

Aw, man, somebody
already makes that? Oh, bummer.

This is like when I thought
I invented chip-wiches.

Should've known.
I was eating one at the time.

No, Max, this is your shirt.

I got the rendering from the
seminar and had it made at

We Can Make Anything
In Under An Hour.

You know, that place
under the bridge

near the underage bar
where you got under arrest.

No way. Oh, no way.
That's hot.

I know, and a girl at the place
asked me

where she could get one.

Really?

Kind of in love with myself
right now.

Hey, what made you change
your mind about the T-shirts?

Well, one of the things
I learned at Wharton

is that success depends on
staying open to a better idea,

-even if it's not yours.
-Aw.

And here. I thought you'd rather
a black one.

On Tinder and in life.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

(English US - SDH)

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