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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,670
Okay, Chestnut,
it's time to play that game
2
00:00:03,754 --> 00:00:06,344
where we take shots
while we pay our bills
3
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:10,006
that Max so cleverly named,
"that game where we take shots
4
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,175
while we pay our bills."
5
00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:13,931
Hey, if you want me
to think of a better name,
6
00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:15,683
we should probably stop taking shots
7
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,349
while we pay our bills.
8
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,018
If this bill says first warning,
9
00:00:20,146 --> 00:00:22,056
we take a shot,
and Chestnut gets a carrot.
10
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,109
If it's a final notice,
11
00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:26,151
Chestnut gets two carrots,
and we take a double shot.
12
00:00:26,277 --> 00:00:28,147
And if it's gone into collections,
13
00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:30,778
we shoot ourselves,
and Chestnut gets three carrots.
14
00:00:30,905 --> 00:00:34,195
And also, I'm gonna take shots
whenever I want to.
15
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,488
All right, only a couple bills to go
16
00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:38,369
and $149 to pay them.
17
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,869
That's an odd number.
Shot!
18
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:46,383
Man, our electric bill is $72
19
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,045
That's an even number.
Shot!
20
00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:53,296
Next up, I have gas.
21
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:55,469
Thanks for the heads-up this time.
22
00:00:56,848 --> 00:01:00,438
We have $77,
and the bill's only 76.84.
23
00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,225
Numbers! Shot!
24
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,784
This is the first time
we've ever broken even.
25
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,610
Wait, what do we do
when we break even?
26
00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:08,777
Shots?
27
00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:12,281
(THEME MUSIC)
28
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:13,989
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
29
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,172
I'm so proud we paid all our bills.
30
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:28,835
And with actual
American dollars this time.
31
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:31,763
There might've been a
couple of pesos in the mix,
32
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:34,394
that or the nickel
has a sweet new donkey.
33
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:38,023
Look, girls, I got the new iPhone,
34
00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:40,892
and Siri thinks I'm hilarious.
35
00:01:41,018 --> 00:01:43,938
I hear that phone
has a great camera for selfies.
36
00:01:44,063 --> 00:01:46,523
Or, in your case, elfies.
37
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,732
Smile, Max.
38
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:53,574
Nice.
Hash tag, will die alone...
39
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:58,278
Oh, already got a like.
40
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:00,996
(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody.
41
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,212
Big news.
42
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,924
I finally met the man of my dreams.
43
00:02:09,045 --> 00:02:12,005
Sophie, that's not news.
You've known me for years.
44
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:14,632
Oh, Earl, another place,
45
00:02:14,759 --> 00:02:16,469
another time, another woman,
46
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:18,184
another man.
47
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:21,215
Hey, girls, you better
wipe down my booth.
48
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,849
My boyfriend's parking
his Lincoln outside.
49
00:02:23,978 --> 00:02:26,438
Yeah, he dropped me off first
'cause he's a class act,
50
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:29,733
and because he had
to put his pants back on.
51
00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,990
There she is.
There's my peanut.
52
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:38,117
You hear that?
He calls me his peanut.
53
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:42,906
Holy crap, she's look even prettier
than the last time I saw her.
54
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:47,417
What'd you do, get some beauty creams
on the way from the car to the diner?
55
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,747
Oh, maybe.
56
00:02:51,504 --> 00:02:54,224
Sophie, it's nice to see you
so giddy about something.
57
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,221
Yeah, you're like me
sitting on that broken washer
58
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,343
at the Laundromat.
59
00:02:58,469 --> 00:03:01,099
I'm Nicky, but my friends call me
60
00:03:01,264 --> 00:03:04,234
when they need money.
61
00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:05,435
(CHUCKLES)
62
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,769
I'm Caroline.
This is Max.
63
00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:09,767
I'm gonna ask you the same question
I ask every guy around your age.
64
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,029
Are you my dad?
65
00:03:12,318 --> 00:03:13,568
Maybe one of you dolls can get me
66
00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:16,026
a glass of water
to wash down my Tums?
67
00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:19,025
Sexy and he has an ulcer.
68
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:22,156
Sure, I'll go get you some
menus and the wine list.
69
00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:24,496
Don't get excited.
That's just a list of everything
70
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:26,919
Caroline's whined
about in the last year.
71
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:31,835
What's up with
Robert de Zero over there?
72
00:03:31,961 --> 00:03:33,801
I used to have a
leather jacket like that.
73
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:37,513
Then I realized, when you have
the right to bare arms,
74
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,644
you bare them, baby.
75
00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,563
(BELL DINGS)
Omelet. Pick up.
76
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,387
I think Oleg just got jealous.
77
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:50,058
I think Oleg just got
underarm dandruff in these eggs.
78
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,478
Enjoy.
79
00:03:52,650 --> 00:03:53,980
Here are your menus,
80
00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,741
and we're out of everything
in the pictures since 1974.
81
00:03:56,861 --> 00:03:58,741
So the little girl
smiling eating a waffle,
82
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:02,624
she's a grandma now,
and she calls Penn Station home.
83
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,831
Here you go, dolls, for your trouble.
84
00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:09,875
A 100 bucks?
It's like free money.
85
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,500
Can you imagine
what he would've given us
86
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:14,167
if the glasses were clean?
87
00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:16,337
All this money
and I didn't even do anything.
88
00:04:16,464 --> 00:04:20,764
I'm one mustache away
from being a Kardashian.
89
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,846
Yeah, Nicky's a big-shot bookie
90
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:24,562
with a Yorkie and a membership
91
00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:27,022
to the VIP lounge at the race track.
92
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,814
A Yorkie and a green leather jacket?
93
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,227
Are you even real?
94
00:04:32,355 --> 00:04:35,265
I love horse racing. I used to go
to the track all the time,
95
00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:38,148
and not to brag,
but I do own a thoroughbred.
96
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,568
Oh, yeah, she does.
97
00:04:39,697 --> 00:04:43,987
I see it eating out of the
garbage can from my window.
98
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,037
Here, that's Chestnut.
99
00:04:46,202 --> 00:04:48,542
That's a beauty,
but not as much a beauty
100
00:04:48,663 --> 00:04:50,373
as my peanut right here.
101
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,750
Oh, he just compared me to a horse,
102
00:04:52,875 --> 00:04:55,205
but I like it anyway.
103
00:04:57,213 --> 00:04:58,513
Why don't you two dolls join us
104
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,472
at the track's Turf Club
some afternoon?
105
00:05:00,591 --> 00:05:02,721
Oh, we're busy,
and it's all the way out in--
106
00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,755
-Are you paying?
-Of course.
107
00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,427
Oh, then, we're there.
108
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:10,228
-In fact, can we go right now?
-Yeah, we're not doing anything.
109
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:20,993
Max, look, the Turf Club.
110
00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,742
Us way up here,
the horses down there on the track
111
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,124
being forced
into their starting gates.
112
00:05:26,242 --> 00:05:27,582
This is so exciting.
113
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,247
Girl, we've been here 30 seconds,
114
00:05:32,415 --> 00:05:34,415
and you already blew your bugle.
115
00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:36,593
Pace yourself.
116
00:05:36,754 --> 00:05:39,214
Max, Caroline, over here!
117
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,591
Wow, I haven't seen Sophie this happy
118
00:05:42,718 --> 00:05:46,058
since that girl slipped on the ice
in front of our building.
119
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,311
That girl was me, Max.
120
00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,557
And I really hurt my coccyx.
121
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,185
You have a coccyx?
You want to go out sometime?
122
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,694
Hey, girls.
123
00:05:56,814 --> 00:05:59,154
Come on, Peanut.
Get a little closer to me.
124
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,686
Closer. Little closer.
125
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,109
Closer. Little closer.
126
00:06:03,237 --> 00:06:06,067
What can I say, girls?
I can't get close enough.
127
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:09,749
Do you hear that?
He can't get close enough.
128
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,450
Thank you so much for inviting us.
129
00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,752
It feels great to be
back at the track again.
130
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,674
Horse racing is, after all,
the sport of kings.
131
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:20,173
I'm more interested in the sport
of king crab legs right over there.
132
00:06:20,422 --> 00:06:22,592
So, is this an
all-you-can-eat deal here,
133
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,546
-or will a waiter come drag me away?
-Knock yourself out.
134
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,847
How much could
a girl like you possibly eat?
135
00:06:27,971 --> 00:06:31,141
You know how a cobra
can swallow an entire pig?
136
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,435
It's like that.
137
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:38,612
Hey, Caroline, you want two or three?
138
00:06:38,731 --> 00:06:43,111
So, Max tells me you met
at 24 Hour Fitness 24 hours ago.
139
00:06:43,237 --> 00:06:46,657
Yes, he spotted me in a handstand.
140
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,327
Nicky, who am I gonna bet on?
141
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:53,661
Who do you like, besides me?
142
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:57,078
Sophie, go with Mess in a Dress.
She had great morning sprints,
143
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,797
first-time blinkers,
jockey weighed in a pound under,
144
00:06:59,836 --> 00:07:02,506
and at the Preakness,
she was second in seven furlongs,
145
00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:04,170
and this race is only six furlongs.
146
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:06,511
Yeah, you're talking for long.
147
00:07:06,677 --> 00:07:09,427
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go
with number three,
148
00:07:09,555 --> 00:07:13,635
-My Uncle Hank.
-My Uncle Hank? He's out of jail?
149
00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:16,849
Yeah, we should probably
eat this and head out.
150
00:07:17,019 --> 00:07:19,769
Oh, see, that's my horse.
My horse, Uncle Hank.
151
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,856
And look, see?
He just pooped.
152
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:23,613
He's trying to get away from it.
153
00:07:23,735 --> 00:07:26,235
I know about that.
That's how I am.
154
00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:31,576
Got to make the donuts, but first,
give me that kisses, sister.
155
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,749
(GUSHES)
So romantic.
156
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,752
Max, maybe we should
get in on the action.
157
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:40,174
No, that's a lot of tongue for me.
158
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,053
No, I meant place a bet.
159
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:46,382
And, Max, I think I'm in a three-way.
160
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:48,590
Well, you look exactly
the way I imagined
161
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:51,758
you'd look in a three-way.
Reading.
162
00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:54,979
Come on, we have that free money,
163
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,730
and you love to gamble.
164
00:07:56,851 --> 00:08:00,481
Yeah, but nothing stupid,
just, like, not using a condom.
165
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,565
Oh, what the hell?
166
00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:04,403
Wait, wait, Nicky, Nicky, here.
167
00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,736
Here's your money.
Two hundred on Mess in a Dress.
168
00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:11,743
Oh, wait, I think I have
a mess in my dress.
169
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:15,868
You got it, doll, and I'm sending
over some of those special popovers.
170
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:19,248
Sophie, make sure you get one.
171
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:21,415
Oh, do you hear that?
172
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:25,963
There's gonna be a ring
in one of those popovers.
173
00:08:26,088 --> 00:08:27,588
I didn't hear any of that.
174
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:29,717
Well, why else would
someone order popovers
175
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,723
unless they were gonna
hide a ring in it?
176
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,556
I just ate the entire
cast of Finding Nemo .
177
00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:37,932
I'm not saying I'm sick.
178
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:40,849
I'm just saying
that clown fish wants out.
179
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,519
Afternoon, ladies.
Enjoy the popovers.
180
00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:46,279
And are you finished with that?
181
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,150
Let's just say
it's finished with me.
182
00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:49,066
(BELL RINGING)
183
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,111
And they're off.
184
00:08:50,154 --> 00:08:53,244
-This is so exciting.
-I know. I wonder which one it's in.
185
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,906
Oh. Oh, not that one.
186
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,787
All right.
Whoops, not that one.
187
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:04,004
Look, look, there's our horse,
Mess in a Dress. She's in the lead.
188
00:09:04,126 --> 00:09:06,626
Oh, no, not that one.
189
00:09:06,754 --> 00:09:09,844
-Yes, yes, yes.
-No, no, no.
190
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,091
COMMENTATOR:
And the winner is Mess in a Dress.
191
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,811
-We won! We won.
-Are we being winners right now?
192
00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,484
I don't know how to be that.
193
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,980
Suddenly I don't know
what to do with my hands.
194
00:09:21,102 --> 00:09:22,312
Nothing.
195
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:24,309
I mean, who in the hell
would order popovers
196
00:09:24,480 --> 00:09:27,570
and not hide a diamond ring in it?
197
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:31,572
Here you go, dolls.
Six big ones.
198
00:09:33,197 --> 00:09:36,987
Max, this is incredible.
We had 200, and now we have 600.
199
00:09:37,159 --> 00:09:38,329
Even more free money.
200
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:40,042
(HUMS HORSE RACING FANFARE)
201
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:42,868
And, waiter, bring my peanut
202
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,790
one of those banana splits.
203
00:09:46,168 --> 00:09:47,798
You hear that?
204
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:51,511
There's a diamond ring in the bottom
of the banana split.
205
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:54,591
And, Leon, for your trouble.
206
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,050
Really? A hundred?
207
00:09:56,178 --> 00:09:59,018
Yup, I was a waitress
before I was rich.
208
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,522
And also after that fish,
209
00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:02,773
I might need you to
carry me to the subway.
210
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:15,235
Whoever that is going
through my pants,
211
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,025
you should know I have a gun.
212
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:19,326
Max, it's me, Caroline.
213
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,002
Why do you think I bought the gun?
214
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,503
Okay, Max, you know how today
215
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,786
we won 600 on our 200
after just that one horse race?
216
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,498
Yeah, that was weird,
but not as weird
217
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,259
as waking up to see
you standing in the dark
218
00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:33,170
going to third base with my pants.
219
00:10:33,341 --> 00:10:35,681
If I bet our winnings
with the three-to-one odds
220
00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:36,934
on this horse tomorrow,
221
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,683
do you know
how much I can make us?
222
00:10:38,846 --> 00:10:41,886
Let's see. Two, carry the one....
Get out.
223
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,437
I have the racing form
right back here.
224
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,521
Don't bring that over here.
That's been near your crack.
225
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:49,435
See? Right here. First race tomorrow.
There She Blows.
226
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,281
If she's blowing that
early in the morning,
227
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,450
she deserves our money.
228
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:54,900
I've done all the research
229
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,529
and checked it with Chestnut.
230
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,617
It's a sure thing, like
the sun coming up tomorrow,
231
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:02,701
or that Somali pirate never getting
another acting job again.
232
00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:05,330
You go out and get addicted
to horse racing
233
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,706
after I worked so hard
234
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:09,212
to put pills and weed on the table?
235
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,548
I am not addicted.
236
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:14,340
Now, where's your cash?
Because it wasn't in your piggy bank,
237
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:16,506
which someone, not me, broke.
238
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,510
You think you don't have a problem?
Then, fine, you can have the money.
239
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:23,234
-You won't be sorry. Where is it?
-In my bra.
240
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:26,102
-Where's your bra?
-On my boobs.
241
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,149
-You sleep in your bra?
-Have to.
242
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,815
Last time I let them out at night,
they didn't come home till 4:00 AM,
243
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:32,231
and couldn't tell me
where they'd been.
244
00:11:34,693 --> 00:11:36,203
Max, just take it out of there,
please.
245
00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,071
Nope, I'll tell you
what I tell every guy
246
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,660
who wants to get in there.
247
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:43,910
It's 12 bucks for adults
and 10.50 for seniors.
248
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,907
Fine, I'm doing this for both of us.
249
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,922
Still think you don't have a problem?
250
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:54,758
Gees, where is it?
Is there a map or a tour guide?
251
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:58,085
Coming up on your left.
You're about 20 minutes away.
252
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:01,219
It's quite a walk.
You might want to take the tram.
253
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:04,056
-Got it.
-Feel good about yourself?
254
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,270
I will after that race tomorrow.
255
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,103
And I promise
I'll never do that again.
256
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,687
That's what my Uncle Hank said.
257
00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:13,363
No, I meant I'll never
ask you for money again.
258
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:15,322
That's what Uncle Hank's wife said.
259
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,573
No more gambling.
260
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,735
Now I feel like you read
the transcript of Uncle Hank's case.
261
00:12:19,865 --> 00:12:21,945
Oh, wait, you forgot some.
262
00:12:22,116 --> 00:12:24,406
Just kidding, it's late,
and it felt kind of good.
263
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,670
Max, I hope Caroline gets here soon,
264
00:12:32,793 --> 00:12:35,803
because if that girl walks
in one full-hour late,
265
00:12:35,963 --> 00:12:38,133
I'll have to respect
the hell out of her.
266
00:12:38,299 --> 00:12:40,049
She's still at the track,
267
00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:42,297
and I'm dying to know
how our horse did.
268
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:43,601
So much suspense.
269
00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,811
I feel like I should
be peeing on a stick.
270
00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:48,064
You girls are still playing
the horses.
271
00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:51,154
Keep that in check.
My gambling problem got so bad
272
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,860
I couldn't even afford
my drug problem.
273
00:12:56,485 --> 00:12:59,235
-You're back! So how did we do?
-We did great.
274
00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:02,073
-We won our bet on There She Blows.
-Yes! How much did we get?
275
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:04,947
Are we talking "add avocado" money?
276
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:09,659
Well, we did do great,
and then we did not great.
277
00:13:09,788 --> 00:13:13,288
And then we did bad,
and then we did real bad.
278
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,838
And then we did terrible.
279
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,671
Long story short, I'm out of Tums,
and we owe Nicky $3,000.
280
00:13:19,798 --> 00:13:22,508
You... You owe Nicky.
281
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,175
When I got addicted
to Pizza Pringles,
282
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,216
I didn't make it your problem.
283
00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:30,427
Your breath made it all our problems.
284
00:13:30,559 --> 00:13:33,019
Max, Nicky's not,
like, dangerous, is he?
285
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:35,685
I bet he's not, but even if he is,
don't worry.
286
00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:39,614
You can survive in the trunk of
a Lincoln for five, six days easy.
287
00:13:39,653 --> 00:13:41,613
Max, I know I can make
all of this money back
288
00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:44,568
if I just win one more race.
I just need a sure thing.
289
00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:47,028
There is no such thing
as a sure thing,
290
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:50,251
except my mother
never picking me up from school.
291
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,041
Look, there are two horses tomorrow
292
00:13:52,164 --> 00:13:53,714
that look really good,
293
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:56,842
Buck That and
Little House on the Gary.
294
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,171
Little House on the Gary.
That's my friend Eddie's horse.
295
00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:00,507
We don't have time to pretend
296
00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,551
you have a friend
named Eddie right now.
297
00:14:02,676 --> 00:14:04,126
I do. Eddie Jones.
298
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,220
He's a famous jockey.
We met at the tailor.
299
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,516
We got to talking as we were both
having our jeans hemmed.
300
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,730
Where'd you buy them, JC Puny?
301
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,564
Han, please, you have to help me.
You have to talk to your friend,
302
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,188
and get me the scoop
on the race tomorrow.
303
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:21,025
Okay, I'll help on one condition.
No more short jokes from Max.
304
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:23,700
She can do that. You can do that,
right, Max? Don't answer.
305
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,703
-No more short jokes starting right--
-Okay, wait, but first,
306
00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:28,735
didn't I see you on a baby food jar?
307
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,448
A mouse set a trap for you.
308
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:32,828
And don't you
have to bring a ring to Mordor?
309
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,835
Okay, let's do this.
310
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:43,045
Eddie said he'd meet us down here.
311
00:14:43,173 --> 00:14:44,843
Han, I really appreciate this.
312
00:14:44,967 --> 00:14:46,757
You're doing me such a big favor.
313
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,887
Yeah, and we're surprised
you can do anything big.
314
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,734
-Okay, that's it.
-Han, wait!
315
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:55,057
-I don't need it!
-Max, see what you did?
316
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,354
What?
I was on autopilot.
317
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:58,109
What did I say?
318
00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:01,606
Han, please, Max won't say anything.
319
00:15:01,735 --> 00:15:03,105
Good, because I've had it up to here.
320
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:05,445
You don't have it up to there.
321
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,322
Don't need it!
322
00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,618
Max!
323
00:15:08,658 --> 00:15:10,488
Please, you have to stop
with the short jokes.
324
00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:11,789
This is my life.
325
00:15:11,910 --> 00:15:12,750
But that's my life.
326
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,906
Keep it up, and I'm gonna be
at the bottom of the East River
327
00:15:16,041 --> 00:15:17,581
with that hipster artisan
cheese truck
328
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,378
you pushed off the Brooklyn Bridge.
329
00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:22,253
You're right.
No more short jokes.
330
00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,887
Maybe I should wait outside.
331
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,261
So, Han, where's Eddie?
I think we should talk to him
332
00:15:31,389 --> 00:15:34,479
as quickly as possible
before Max passes out.
333
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,770
I don't see him.
I'm sure he'll be here shortly.
334
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:39,114
And I just bit the inside
of my mouth.
335
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,153
Hey, Han!
336
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,824
I haven't seen you since
we took our little trip.
337
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:47,202
No, man, I saw you after my small
business owners' softball game.
338
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,907
Hey, I got new car, a Mini Cooper.
339
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:54,204
This is hell. I'm in hell.
340
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:56,038
Eddie, hi.
Is there anything you can tell me
341
00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:58,583
about today's race?
Is there a sure thing?
342
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,417
You get yourself a bad bet?
343
00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,713
Bad bet and beyond.
344
00:16:02,836 --> 00:16:05,296
-Well, let me give you a little tip.
-I'll be outside.
345
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,432
COMMENTATOR:
And coming down the home stretch,
346
00:16:10,552 --> 00:16:11,852
Little House on the Gary
has the lead.
347
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,061
Come on, Little House on the Gary!
348
00:16:14,182 --> 00:16:15,562
Run! Run like Caroline after sundown
349
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:18,023
in an ethnic neighborhood.
350
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:22,274
The Hoof, The Hoof,
The Hoof is on fire!
351
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:25,149
He's winning. He's winning.
He's winning.
352
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,605
Oh, no, what's happening?
He's falling behind.
353
00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:31,318
Oh, Lord.
Oh, my sweet, sweet Lord.
354
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:33,450
He's losing. He's losing.
355
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:36,326
He's losing.
Han, what is happening?
356
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,325
Well, maybe I'll take off.
357
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:41,665
Your friend said it was a sure thing.
358
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,915
There is no sure thing except another
Taylor Swift breakup song.
359
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,217
COMMENTATOR:
And Little House on the Gary
360
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,336
falls to pieces
as Falls to Pieces wins.
361
00:16:52,095 --> 00:16:53,755
So what do we win
if our horse finishes last
362
00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:57,808
and wanders around
the track with a giant erection?
363
00:16:57,933 --> 00:17:00,193
All that and we lost?
364
00:17:00,352 --> 00:17:03,362
Thanks for lunch.
365
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:07,033
Han, you're so small
your house is a Tic Tac box.
366
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,072
You're so small you ride
in your car cup holder.
367
00:17:09,194 --> 00:17:12,704
You're so small your parents
are a ladybug and a Tater Tot.
368
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,535
I could see that, actually.
369
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,620
I don't need it!
370
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:23,838
You see, Caroline?
This is why I quit gambling,
371
00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,591
this and the escalator
was always broken.
372
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,053
Let's just calm down.
373
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,384
This is the Turf Club,
not Goodfellas,
374
00:17:32,551 --> 00:17:34,101
though that was placed
on real-life events
375
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:36,430
and took place not
that far from here.
376
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,516
Right, and maybe
he won't be so hard on us.
377
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:39,981
Nicky is Sophie's boyfriend.
378
00:17:40,101 --> 00:17:43,811
-Well, I just broke up with Nicky.
-Why?
379
00:17:43,938 --> 00:17:47,688
I just saw him beat the crap
out of some guy that owed him money.
380
00:17:49,861 --> 00:17:51,531
Oh, no, here he comes.
381
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:57,909
There you are, dolls.
382
00:17:58,076 --> 00:18:00,656
My leg is next.
383
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,658
Tough break.
384
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,580
I'm gonna take my three grand and go.
385
00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:08,129
Peanut just broke up with me,
so I'm gonna go home and get in bed
386
00:18:08,296 --> 00:18:11,296
with my dog and my wife.
387
00:18:11,423 --> 00:18:13,763
I have to come clean.
We don't have your money.
388
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,054
I got out of control.
389
00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:17,758
Doll, relax.
I'm a reasonable man.
390
00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:21,098
-We can work out something.
-Oh, good.
391
00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:24,556
Hope he shoots me first.
I'd rather be dead than hear you beg.
392
00:18:25,646 --> 00:18:28,526
Still got that thoroughbred?
393
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:30,320
I'll come by tomorrow to get it.
394
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,618
He can't take my horse.
What am I gonna do?
395
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:38,118
You can always move to New York
and change your name to Max.
396
00:18:38,284 --> 00:18:40,334
Wait, I already did that.
397
00:18:40,452 --> 00:18:42,082
What is wrong with me?
398
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,794
I should have known better.
My father has problems with money.
399
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:48,165
It's in my DNA.
And now all because of a stupid bet,
400
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:49,916
I'm gonna lose Chestnut.
401
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,466
If it makes you feel any better,
my mom once lost me in a bet.
402
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,763
I still can't believe she thought
403
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:57,804
Robert Redford was in Tootsie.
404
00:18:57,971 --> 00:18:59,181
We can't lose Chestnut.
405
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,845
Damn it, damn it, damn it, people.
406
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,104
Make me come out of retirement
407
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:05,016
just save your gambling asses.
408
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,444
Now, all I need is 100 bucks.
409
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:11,725
Hey, Caroline,
how fast can you have a baby?
410
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:13,739
Hey. Hi, Leon.
411
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,652
Remember us, the ones
who tipped you 100 bucks?
412
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:18,871
Oh, of course, it's hard to find that
kind of generosity in this place.
413
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,491
It gives you hope again.
414
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:24,658
Yeah, we're gonna need that back.
415
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:26,748
Well, actually, I need all my money.
416
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,165
I support my mother.
417
00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:31,174
Yeah, maybe not today.
418
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:37,223
Max, I can't believe it.
419
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,183
I screwed me and
the horse I rode in on.
420
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:44,265
Why don't you film that
and get your money back?
421
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:47,392
Caroline, look.
422
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,859
Earl, you did it.
You saved Chestnut.
423
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,112
Yeah, well, we brown studs
424
00:19:52,232 --> 00:19:54,612
have to stick together.
425
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,446
And I'll take that.
426
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,952
And since I don't trust myself,
427
00:20:00,074 --> 00:20:03,204
I'm donating this 200
to my favorite charity.
428
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,498
So here.
429
00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:08,962
Now, no more betting,
430
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:11,543
because the only sure thing in life
is death.
431
00:20:11,669 --> 00:20:13,379
Have a nice day.
432
00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:23,352
One for you, and one for me.
433
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:25,392
Two hundred,
we're back to our free money,
434
00:20:25,516 --> 00:20:28,226
And this time, it's going
right in the savings account.
435
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,614
Well, it's not earning
much interest in there.
436
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:32,110
Here.
437
00:20:32,230 --> 00:20:33,480
We're keeping this in a bank
438
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:35,397
with two major branches.
439
00:20:38,863 --> 00:20:40,623
(CASH REGISTER RINGS)
440
00:21:04,012 --> 00:21:06,022
(English US - SDH)
441
00:21:06,072 --> 00:21:10,622
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