All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s03e16 ATM

Welcome to the diner
ATM ribbon-cutting ceremony.

(HUMS DRUMROLL)

Everyone knows he's holding
normal-size scissors, right?

Han's just excited there's something
in the diner the same size as him.

Uh, this is just
another waste of time.

Like when you opened the diner.

This machine
is now open for business!

After you're done with those,

I need to do a little man-scaping
on my love mound.

And after you're done with that,
you can throw them away.

(POLISH ACCENT) Hey, everybody!

What's that yellow tape?

Did someone die again?

No, Sophie, we got an ATM.

I thought we already had an ATM:
"Asian Transgender Male."

Well, thank you for saying "male."

Well, move outta the way!
This broad's gotta do some bankin'!

Be careful. You're the very first.

We know how long you've been waiting
to say that to a woman.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Okay. No sign of Deke, the cops
or nosy white folk. Let's break in.

I don't understand why we're breaking
into your boyfriend's dumpster.

The only thing I understand less
is how you pee standing up.

Why? How do you pee?

Look, I am breaking up with Deke,
so now's the part of the relationship

where I sneak in his place
and get my stuff out

to avoid telling him
I'm breaking up with him.

Well, you just cut an hour
out of every romantic comedy.

You're welcome.

This is the first guy I dated
that has a crank.

Most of them just did crank.

Okay, so here's the plan.

Climb up on the garbage,

unsnap the windows,
dive in the dumpster

and grab the spare key
on the counter.

Do you look at life as just a game
of "set new lows for Caroline"?

Why do I have to do it?

I'm on parole, Caroline.

We're breaking into a dumpster.
I don't even think that's illegal.

I didn't either.
That's why I'm on parole.

Light on the right. Key on the left.

We did this once after Deke
left his keys at our favorite bar,

which is actually just a liquor
store where they let you drink.

They turn a blind eye.
Well, the guy is blind.

Yeah, Deke always found cool places.

Then why are you breaking up
with him? He's perfect for you.

You both think living in a tuna can
is an acceptable habitat.

So what if he has money?

People with money
don't live in the same reality.

You think Donald Trump
would have that hair if he were poor?

Now, come on.
Let's get my toothbrush and scram.

You bought a toothbrush?
Oh, you really liked him.

Wait, Max,
is that one of your gnomes?

Oh, my God,
you were practically moving in!

And it's your favorite one,
Gnome-o-sexual!

No, this is my second-favorite.
My favorite is Gnome More Drama.

And he's not here because
he don't want no more drama

and, frankly, neither do I.

Come on. Let's go.

You don't have to ask me twice
to get out of a dumpster.

DEKE: Well, well!
If it isn't Max-a-million!

Or should I say,
"Max who hates my millions"?

Shouldn't you be occupying
Wall Street or something?

I am just here for my toothbrush

and then I'll leave you
in your ivory dumpster

to sit around and fart diamonds.

So don't get the wrong idea,
Uncle Pennybags.

I'm not here to be Aunt Pennybags.

Max, who's Uncle Pennybags?

Is he one of the ones
who touched you?

(BOTH):
He's the Monopoly Man.

See?
You guys are perfect for each other.

Yeah, Max. We're like a more
awesome version of John and Yoko.

Meaning, like, just John.

Who cares
if I got a few million dollars?

A hundred few million. And that's
on the low end, according to Bing.

Well, I'll be by later, Deke.

Come on, Caroline.

No, Max, you won't.

You're taking your stuff
'cause you're breaking up with me

and you're too big a baby pants to
tell me you're breaking up with me.

What?
I am not breaking up with you.

I just needed my toothbrush
because I had dollar shrimp for lunch

and I still have some shells
in my teeth.

I will see you later tonight for sex
and various whatnots.

I am not breaking up with you.

That break-up was brutal!

Yo, Max, I hear our boy Deke
got major money.

I should've known 'cause the weed
he gave me was real quality.

And free.

Earl, money changes people.
I know.

Every time the food stamps came,
my mother was all, "Max who?"

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
'Ello, my good people!

You are quite fortunate today,

for a rich person has come
to dine in your establishment!

Caroline, I would like a tabletop
in Max's section, please,

because it's high time
she met the person

I've been pretending not to be.

The veil has been lifted.
She was correct.

I am the Monopoly Man.

Right this way, sir.

I believe I have a table here
in the overacting section.

All right, I'll give it up.
You got me laughing.

And I would miss all this
if we didn't hang out,

so I guess we can still be friends
and pastry school partners.

Pastry school partners?
Your breasts are named in my will.

Come on,
you can't be serious about this.

Don't worry. We can still do all the
stuff we had planned for our future.

Like TPing Han's apartment
on the 14th. I'm not a monster.

-Max--
-Deke, you can't be my boyfriend.

From now on I'm like welfare.
You have to be broke to get some.

Max, I really wish you'd reconsider
breaking up with Deke.

I mean, you guys get along great.

He lives in a trash can.
He shares your love of pee-pee jokes.

He can hide things in his hair.

Aren't those the things
you didn't like about him

before you knew he had money?

Yes, but people can change.
So change and like him.

Come on. Just keep an open mind.
In fact, why don't you sleep on it?

Right now.
Go. Go to bed. Go, go, go, go, go.

Boy, are you eager to masturbate!

Hey, friend!

Come on. Get in.

-I told you I can't see that anymore.
-Why?

You're my friend, he's my friend.
We're all just friends.

Where did you get a key?

Don't be mad.
I asked her for help.

Caroline, get in here!

CAROLINE:
Can't. I'm masturbating!

Caroline, what are you doing?

Are those new shoes?

Uh, yes.

Where did they come from?

They were just here.

In your size?

It's a miracle.

They're from me.
I got 'em for her as a gift.

What makes you think
you could buy my roommate?

She said, "I'll give you the key
if you buy me new shoes."

For love!

I did it for love!

You two belong together.

Like me and these shoes.

Come on. Just give me a chance to
express my deep feelings about this.

Max, what I'm trying to say is....

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I don't wanna be your friend.
I wanna be your boyfriend.

Well, right now it looks like
you wanna be my girlfriend.

Maybe I can help clear things up.

How much is this gonna cost me?

Nothing. Look...

Max doesn't think
she deserves someone rich

because she has,
well, low self-esteem.

Wrong. I have no self-esteem.

And I can see the bottom
of your balls.

Max, remember two days ago when
you loved the bottom of my balls?

That's when they were poor
and I felt sorry for them.

Come on!
You two belong together.

You're like the Romeo and Juliet
of ball banter.

I'm sorry.
It's just never gonna work.

It's like we were raised
with different religions, like....

What are two religions?

Are you taking suggestions
from the audience

or do you really not know
the names of two religions?

Let's say a witch and a smurf.

Question answered.

So it's like I'm a witch
and you're a smurf.

We could never be together.
Everybody knows that.

I've only lived like a witch.
I've never lived like a smurf.

So I don't get you.
What's it like being blue and soft?

I don't know, I'm a witch.
I'm green and all-powerful.

So you're saying you can't relate to
me because you've never been a smurf?

Wow. That's heavy.
Well, I'm gonna go.

Oh, I better take off this silly robe
and put on my skirt.

And she's giving back the shoes.

Oh, no, she is not!

"Language preference:
English, Spanish, Chinese, French."

They should've made this
more specific to the diner.

"Hipster, hobo, junkie,
pregnant teen."

Don't forget
"ballerina with a head wound."

"Would you like
to see your account balance?"

That ATM's a real bitch.

Yeah, I got a hot 17 in here
that's dying to get out.

So did Oleg
when that cop pulled him over.

Caroline, look at this receipt.
This can't be right.

I haven't seen
this many zeros in one place

since the diner Christmas party.

That says 1,000,017 dollars.

Han, your ATM's broken.
It just gave Max a million dollars.

Out of my way!
Out of my way! Out of my way!

This is it! The faulty ATM
that gives out millions.

I thought it was
an urban legend like HPV.

Everybody, freeze.
The damn thing must be busted.

And to think I bent over backwards
to get that ATM.

Well, I bent over forwards
to get a "B" in Spanish.

Damn it. My account's
exactly the same. Frozen.

So, Deke
left this note for you earlier.

I forgot 'cause I'm 120.

"Now you know what it's like
to be a ."

Can you believe this?
Deke gave me a million dollars!

So that's real money?

The money's real?

You have a million dollars?

We're a millionaire?

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, good morning, my good man.

I recently came into some money,
thus the candy tiara.

And I wanted to spread the wealth.
Here.

Have a pound of coffee.

It's Folgers
since I'm a millionaire now.

Best part of waking up rich!

I come bearing gifts
for all my best friends.

Here, guy who stands behind me.

A 12-pack
of triple-A batteries for you.

And yes, they did have
to open the glass case at CVS

for me to get these.

Here, lady on the other side.

A shampoo and conditioner!

Herbal Essences.
No big deal.

And don't think I forgot about you,
peek-a-boo hair.

A Godiva box of chocolates.

No, you're not dreaming.
I said "Godiva!"

Max, I have great news.

And you,
woman who sold me out for shoes.

I got you something very special
when I was out gift shopping.

You know how you always say,

"Who do I have to bang
to get a chip clip around here?"

Me!

Wait, you spent money?

How much of our million did you spend

on your...
We'll call it a shopping spree.

Almost all of it.
One-hundred-and-forty-three dollars!

Okay, our public schools
have failed you.

Or they would have if you'd went.

But I'm too excited to care!

First things first,
when do we quit the diner?

What are you talking about?
We're not quitting the diner.

I'm giving
the rest of the money back.

Hold on, hold on!
Pump the brakes!

What's the problem?
You got a chip clip. You're set.

I only spent it
to make a point to Deke.

You can't give it back.
I have plans. Big plans.

After we quit the diner,

I found a guy who can turn
that measly million into three.

And don't worry, he was not named
in my father's Ponzi scheme.

Well, not by the name he goes by now.

What up, Smurfette?

Oh, hello, Deke.

You just missed me passing out all
the gifts I bought with your million,

but you're here in time to see me
buy Big Mary as my lab partner.

Who says I'm for sale?

A fireman's calendar.

And another fireman's calendar.

Sold.

I bet you didn't think
I'd spend that money, hmm?

Well, you were wrong
I spent $143!

Max, I wanted you to spend the money,

so you know
what it's like to be rich.

Now we're both smurfs.
You can relate to me again.

Wanna go do hand stuff by the ovens
like we did last Tuesday?

Oh, so you were just trying to buy me
with the money?

Well, I'm not a high-priced call girl
'cause Super Bowl weekend's over.

Here. I'm giving you
the rest of the money back.

Okay, obviously,
she is not mentally competent enough

to handle her finances.

This is like when my grandma

wanted to give all her money
to that orphanage,

so they had her diagnosed
with Alzheimer's.

Here.

I can't believe I'm losing all
of my money twice in one lifetime.

(RESTRAINED) Who has an inhaler?

And check it.
I even put your name on there.

"Deke Mc-Richy
Mc-Never-Had-To-Work-For-Anything"?

Oh, sorry,
I probably should've added,

"Richy
Rich-Pretended-He-Was-Poor-Instein,"

so they'd know it's you.

Here, I'll fix it.

Oh, yes. I treat myself well.

You know what, Max?
Stop.

I've tried everything to show you
I'm not some cartoon rich guy

and you still think I'm a joke.

You only see me as my money,
but I'm not.

That's how much money means to me.
But you were right.

It's not gonna work with us.

Max! Oh, I got your gift.

I love my new vibrator.

It's not a vibrator, Sophie.
It's a Dustbuster.

Oh.
Well, there's no dust there anymore.

I'll be in my booth.

Waitress? Waitress!

"Waitress"?
Who's she talking to?

Miss, this salmon
tastes like chicken.

That's weird 'cause it's pork.

I don't need attitude
from some waitress.

Who is this waitress
you keep referring to?

Look, your job is to take my order,

put a smile on your face
and serve me.

Oh, hell, no!

I don't have to take this.

Let me show you something, doll.

This is my receipt
from the last time I used the ATM.

You see where it says "account
balance" at the bottom there?

Read that number to me, please.

If you have a million dollars,
why would you be working here?

Good question.

Hey. You seem cranky.
You wanna use my Dustbuster?

That woman just asked me
if I have a million dollars,

why am I working here?

That's what I've been saying.

I mean, I have a million dollars.

That's what I've been saying!

I don't need to be in this dump!

Again, that's what I've--

You've been saying! I know!
I'm an idiot! I'm keeping that money!

That's what I've been saying!

-Max, Caroline--
-No.

But you don't even know
what I was about to say.

Whatever it is, no.
We have a million dollars.

Yeah, we have a million dollars.

Yeah, we have a million dollars
and I quit!

And I quit too, baby!

I have hated this hellhole
from day one.

Sayonara, short stuff!

I don't know what's more offensive.
"sayonara" or "short stuff"!

I would go with "sayonara,"
short stuff.

Wow.

That got off quicker than
a 12-year-old looking at Megan Fox.

Quick? I've been trying to get out
of this thing for three years.

This zipper is stuck!
This is like a horror movie!

Help me!
Get this damn thing off me!

Tear it off, cut it off,
light it on fire!

Well, watch my hair.
Oh, who cares? I'll buy new hair!

Damn it! I'll just go over.

Yes! We're out of here.
No more diner, no more cupcakes.

Wait, wait. No more cupcakes?
What are you talking about?

With all this money,
we can grow our business.

Oh, I'm not growing anything except a
big-ass weed plant on my nightstand.

But it's our dream.

I don't need a dream.
Dreams are for poor people!

I have a million dollars.

I'm not going to pastry school.
I might not even go to the bathroom.

And I am definitely
not getting out of bed.

I will never do anything again!

Oh, my God,
I'll never do anything again.

We're not quitting.

I knew it!

Between you and this zipper,
I'll never get out of here.

I can't. You heard what
I'd be like with a million dollars.

I'd be dead at 30.

But isn't that
what you've always wanted?

Hey, Uncle Pennybags, you home?

I mean, you dumpster?

Hey can I come in?
Or did you already move on?

'Cause I'd get it if you did.

Nah, come in. Just sittin' in here
fartin' diamonds.

Look, I think I owe you an apology.

You know how I called you
a lazy Mc-Richy Rich

who never had to work for anything
and lives in an ivory dumpster?

Is this part of the apology

or just the recap of mean things
you've said to me?

Just listen.

Well, I was right. You never did
have to work for anything.

Okay, I'm starting to think
you don't know what an apology is.

But even though you never had
to work for anything, you do.

You actually get up,
you go to pastry school,

and you build dumpsters.
You do lots of stuff.

And you're not even familiar
with my charity.

Orgasms for old people.

I hope you're not joking.

Look, the truth is...
I couldn't see past your money.

All I saw was smurf.

And I thought witches and smurfs
couldn't be together,

but I was wrong.

Yeah, you were.

Max, did you get back the check yet?

Because I just found
a different investment guy.

A legit one in Germany.
His name is Herr Schluffen.

Well, I'm sorry.
I'm giving it back right now.

Herr Schluffen can schluff off.

Wait, Max.
Can I hold the million?

For just one more second,
I wanna be upper-middle class.

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

MAX:
Caroline, give it back!

(English US - SDH)

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