All language subtitles for 2 Broke Girls s03e06 Piece of Sheet

Oh, I closed out
the cupcake register.

Here's our rent money.

Give me back the envelope, though,
'cause it's also my jewelry box.

No, I closed out the register.
I have our rent money.

Max, do you know what this means?

Unless I was hit in the head
by a piece of farm equipment,

it means we have extra money.

I wanna do the extra money dance,

but we don't have one because
we've never had extra money!

The only extra money dance I know

involves ping-pong balls
and I'm really out of practice.

(THEME MUSIC)

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

Earl, I brought you your favorite.

A half-black, half-Chinese
belly dancer?

A coconut cupcake.

Look at Caroline over there.

She's flirting harder with him
than I flirt with heart disease.

Stop, stop! I'm only on episode two
of Season One. I will kill you!

Then... to be continued.

Oh, it's gonna be continued.

Well, then, we will continue this
when we continue this.

(GIGGLES)

If that's your game, you're gonna
be living with me forever, Fran.

He's been in my section three nights
in a row for the Turkey Club.

I'm calling him
"The Turkey Club Cutie."

I'm calling Poison Control.

I think he's getting ready
to ask me out.

He wanted to know if I live
around here and what time I get off.

If a man's gonna wait
for you to get off, he's a keeper.

So... see you next time.

-I will see you next time as well.
-Bye.

-What's that?
-I don't know. How would I know?

Because it came out of your head?

I don't have hair extensions, Max.

-(SCOFFS) Okay, I'll throw it out.
-No! I'll keep it for the story.

What story?

The story about how we found
a blonde hair extension

out of nowhere that night.

(CACKLES)

It's hilarious!

Well, it's already funnier
than most of your stories.

Oh, look,
there's another hilarious story.

Okay, Max,
I have a confession to make.

I have hair extensions.

I also have a confession to make.

I murdered a man in Rhode Island.

I just have a few.
It gives me volume.

Too bad it doesn't give you depth.

Now I have to go
and try and reattach these.

These weaves are supposed to last.
This is unbe-weave-able!

I found this in the lettuce.

Any sign of a NuvaRing in there?
'Cause I can't find mine.

Caroline's losing her hair,
isn't she? Is she sick?

Does she have cancer, the Big "C"?

No, Little You.

She doesn't have the Big "C".
She barely has the double As.

-Han found more of your hair.
-He knows about the extensions?

No, he thinks you have cancer.

Oh, good!
So no one knows.

Hola, ladies!
Your night just got sexier.

Luis, you punched out hours ago.

What are you doing here so late?
On your way homo?

(LAUGHS)

Good one, hooker!

No, I'm between clubs.

"Circus" just became a straight club,

and "Satellite" doesn't become
a gay club for a half hour.

So, I'm here to have a cocktail
with my bro Oleg.

Luis, we told you.
Oleg is straight.

Oh, please!
So am I in Alabama.

Well, he left already.

But I told him I was gonna stop by.
Typical man. Fear of intimacy.

Oh, Carolina, while I'm here,
this is yours.

I found it during my shift.

Ooh, tips from my tables?

More like hair from your head.

I knew this was
all too good to be true.

You have extensions.

No, I have cancer.

No, you have extensions.
Good try.

Later!

Hey. Notice anything different?

I took some of the extra money
and got new hair extensions.

And I also got you a surprise.
I put it in your room. Go look!

I'm not interested
unless it's a potbelly pig

or a potbelly pig
in a pilgrim costume

or a pilgrim in a potbelly pig
costume or just pot.

Hint, hint. I put it on your bed.
What do you think? Do you love?

Okay, why is all this crap on my bed?
And what the hell is it?

That's a bed skirt.

My bed doesn't wear skirts.
It's a dude!

I know because it pokes me
in the back while I'm asleep.

I got you new bedding
and me some cute new flannel jammies.

They have Eiffel Towers on them.

They were marked down because
everybody hates French people.

These don't even have stains!

How am I gonna know
which is the top now?

Max, what's the problem?

You've had those old sheets forever.
You don't even have a spare set.

A spare set of sheets?
Who am I, the Queen of England?

You're so frustrating,
I'd pull my hair out,

but I'm not sure
which of it is mine.

-Look! Look! Are you happy?
-(HORSE NICKERS)

Chestnut's upset.
He knows we're fighting.

Good, he should know that
if he goes out for a bag of chips,

he could come home to find you
replaced his saddle with a thong.

I got you a present. Would you
be this angry at Santa Claus?

Who's that?

Max, please. Just for a change,
try sleeping on something nice.

Fine!

But if I wanted
to sleep on something nice,

I would have hooked up with that guy

who moved home
to take care of his sick mother.

Watch your back, Chestnut.
Watch your back.

(CLICK)

Where are my old sheets, bitch?

(WHINING) Why? Why are
you calling me a "bitch" at night?

I was sleeping in my new jammies.

Well, I can't sleep without
those sheets, so where are they?

I checked all your drawers.

And by the way, who hides
their vibrator in a Starbucks cup?

You already know the answer,
so I'm going back to sleep.

(WHINING) Why?

Why am I on the floor
in my new jammies?

Where are they?

I don't have them.
I gave them to the poor.

You took them from the poor!
And the poor wants them back.

Well, it's too late. I put them in
the Salvation Army donation bin.

Well, get up.
You're going to the army, bitch.

(WHINING) Why? Why are we here
in the middle of the night?

What are we doing?

There it is. Come on.
Follow me.

Max, is this where you kill me?

'Cause I always knew it was gonna
happen, I just didn't know when.

This feels right, though.

I should kill you. Those sheets
were really special to me, okay?

Oh, did you lose
your virginities on them?

I don't have sex in beds.
That's where I eat.

Caroline, I have a confession.

-What is it?
-You have hair extensions.

Okay, I'll tell you, but look away.

It's the pillowcase.
I've had it since I was a kid.

It's like soft and nubby and
it had this edge that I'd like rub

and it relaxed me when things
were crappy, which was all the time.

I guess I still need
that pillowcase to sleep or whatever.

Max, that's so sad.

Of course it's sad!
When has it ever been a happy tale?

All right, I need to crawl in here.

Max, you're just gonna crawl
into that dirty box?

We don't know where that bin's been.

By the way, "Dirty Box" was
my nickname in continuation school.

I need help. Would you rather I step
on your back or your head?

My head? Hardly.
Not at these prices.

Come on.
Gimme ten fingers.

I already did. Behind your back
while we were walking here.

No, like this, so I can step into it.
You know, like a finger basket.

Finger basket?
Is that another nickname of yours?

No, but for one summer,
it could've been.

Forget this.
Just help me pull this stuff over.

-Ew. Ew
-Ew. Ew.

Max, I feel like we're not even
acknowledging our low points anymore.

Okay, Max, now be very careful.
And on the count of....

Wow, you could've been
a great gymnast,

if you'd had money, coaches
and a breast reduction.

Are you okay?

CAROLINE: Max?

Gonna need some voice contact.

MAX: I'm not in here alone.

What do you mean you're not alone?

MAX: I mean I'm not in here alone.

CAROLINE: Stay calm! I will
get you out of there! No, I won't!

MAX: I'm looking for a lever
on the inside.

(LEVER CLICKS)

(SHOUTS) Get outta my house!

Okay, I just wanna check
and see if you're on my pillowcase.

-Max, no!
-I need my sweet sheets!

Let it go. And if your sheets are
under there, they're no long sweet.

(SHOUTING) Get outta my house!
And close the door!

Okay! Okay! God!

Jeez!
You'd think we'd slept together!

What am I gonna do?
I can't sleep without those sheets!

MAX: I'm so angry at you!

I'd be even angrier
if I hadn't found this great bra.

Why are you going to Sophie's
if you're trying to sleep?

She's the loudest person we know.

Even black people at the movies
tell Sophie to be quiet.

I am going to Sophie's
to get a sleeping pill.

Or as she likes to call them,
"night candy."

You don't need a pill.

Listen, I've a great sleep technique
that my sleep coach taught me.

I have slept
with my fair share of coaches

and if anything, they kept me awake.

Max, it's 3:00am. Any normal person
is sleeping right now.

(POLISH ACCENT) Hi, girls.

Just doing a puzzle
and listening to Elvis.

You two want a Mai Tai
before you get too Ti-Ti?

No, thanks, but speaking of Ti-Ti,

I was hoping I could snag
one of your sleeping pills.

Oh, sure, I can hook you up.
I never use them.

I only need three hours of sleep
at night and six during the day.

Come on.

Sophie, notice anything new?

Oh, yeah! You planted more hair
on your head. I heard.

Max! You told her?

No, it was on CNN.

They led with Syria and then
did a solid five on your hair.

Here we go! Pills and spices!

You have a spice rack full of pills?
You gotta cook me dinner sometime.

Let's see.

Fish oil, penicillin, amoxicillin.
Skittles.

Oh, and this is my German pill,

in case they release the bombs,
or I'm ever abandoned in space.

Here you go, Max.
Nighty-night.

Oh, you know what? What the hell!

I'm gonna have one too.
It's a slumber party!

Uh-oh.

Oh, now you got
another rack full of pills.

Oh, you know what?

Don't wait for me, Max.
This might be a while.

Max, do you really need to take that?

People do weird things
on sleeping pills.

My friend Candice Travelstead
buttered a wallet

and tried to eat it.

Don't worry.
I don't have a wallet.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute.

Is that the sleeping pill

or is that my emergency space pill
that kills you?

Either way, I'll get some shut-eye.

Max, no! You are not gonna die
and leave me here alone.

I still don't know how to go east
on the "L" train without a chaperone.

Max, it's 3:30am

and sleep coach Caroline here will
have you asleep by 3:45 the latest.

You're supposed
to be taking a hot bath.

I was, but when I put the stopper in,
something pushed it back out again.

Now where's that pill?

I've got it on my person and if this
doesn't work I'll give it to you.

Oh, I'll go elbow-deep for that pill
and don't think I won't.

Max, meet your new sheets.
New sheets, meet--

Don't make me meet the sheets.
I'm not a mental patient.

If I was,
I'd be living in a much nicer place.

And all my pillowcases
would have edges.

Wow, even your pillowcase
had an edge.

What was it like anyway?

It was kinda like
the end of your new PJs

but not the queerest thing
I've ever seen.

A candle?
What are we, witches?

Now, imagine yourself
in a relaxed, beautiful place.

Breathe in and out.

In and out.

Look, if there's one thing
old "Finger Basket" knows how to do,

it's in and out.

-Gimme the pill.
-I'm not finished yet.

But just so you know,

that pill has changed colors
three times in the last hour.

So it's either deadly,
or an Everlasting Gobstopper.

I am so mad at you.
You took my one thing.

That pillowcase
was my one special thing.

In my whole life of people
taking things away from me,

that was the one thing no one took.

And now I'm never gonna sleep again.
And I love sleeping.

Dreaming is the closest thing
I have to cable TV.

Enough, Max!

I've been very patient
with this weird attachment you have

to this little piece of sheet.

You're a piece of sheet!

Listen, if I learned anything
when I lost everything,

it's that, A, there's no wiggle room

when it comes
to cottage cheese expiration dates,

and, B, you can't get attached
to material things.

(SCOFFS)
Oh! Okay, Extensions!

What does that mean?

It means that your material things
are literally attached to your head.

Not the same thing at all.

Your dependency on that pillowcase is
all in your head. You don't need it.

Oh. You don't need this.

You owe me $14.

Run a tab.

I'm not about to sit here
and take this abuse

because you have an unhealthy
attachment to a pillowcase!

Good night, Malibu Barbie.

I hope you're not trying to insult me
because she's gorgeous!

And for the record, I do not have
an unhealthy attachment to my hair.

Oh, really?

You're a monster!

I'm sorry. I can't sleep.

I'll be fine.
Just give me the pill.

CAROLINE: No! It's all in your head!
Go to sleep!

(DOOR JOSTLES)

I tied the doorknob
to my bed with a rope

and locked all the bedroom windows.

Are you trying to hurt me
or turn me on?

Brace yourself, Earl.

When Max gets here,
she will not be in a good mood.

Caroline, if I wanted
to work around people in a good mood,

I'd go work at Google.

She hasn't slept since yesterday
and is furious

because I won't give her
a sleeping pill.

Smart move.
Sleeping pills mess you up.

I took one once,

woke up a day later on the
roller coaster ride in Coney Island.

-I love roller coasters.
-Me too, when I'm in a seat.

Oh, hello!
How are you two tonight?

Oh, no. She's nice.
She must've gotten a pill somewhere.

No. No pills. Just had some clarity.
Follow me, please.

Oh, okay.
Did you smoke or snort this clarity?

Now, since you were nice enough
to get me new sheets,

I got you something in return .
Here.

Oh, is this like an apology,
thank you kind of thing?

Now watch. This is how
one graciously accepts a gift.

What the hell is this?

A wig?

Either that or you scalped a lesbian
from the '80s.

Yep, I grabbed her bolo tie and
climbed up on her shoulder pads.

You took away my security thing,
the pillowcase.

So now I'm taking away
your security thing, your hair.

You can wear
that on your head tonight

and then tell me again
how this is all in my head.

Did you have to get
the ugliest one they had?

What do you want for 37 cents?

Fine,
I'll put this roadkill on my head

just to prove to you
that I am so much more than my hair.

I am my attitude, my spirit,
my brain, my bravery--

-Put it on.
-Max, I'm scared.

Go. The bangs go in the back.

That's my kinda woman.

-Cobb salad, pick-up!
-(BELL RINGS)

Uh, hey, Sophie.

Are you here
for the Mafia widow discount?

(WHISPERING) Earl, I'm incognito.
I'm making a drug drop for Max.

(SHOUTING) Hey, Max!
I got your drugs!

Thanks.

And I love that you have an outfit
for everything I ask you to do.

Hey, where's the blonde narc fan?

(SOPHIE LAUGHS)

Oh, my God!

Did Caroline join a bowling team?

Max! No!

Aw, crap!
Rod Stewart just busted us!

Let her have some fun.
What's the big deal, square?

The big deal is that Max
thinks she needs these pills

because I threw away her blankie.

It was a pillowcase
and I need it to sleep.

She has to rub it.

In Poland, I had this little thing

that I liked to tickle
before I went to sleep.

But my aunt threw it away.

What was it?

My cousin, Nora.

Give me the pills.

Nope. And, Max, you were wrong.
See? I'm not attached to my hair.

In fact, I am loving my new look.

Am I a single mom
trying to keep it simple?

Am I an Assistant DA in over my head?

Or am I Charlize Theron
in The Jon Bon Jovi Story?

Maybe, and I'm fine with it
'cause I am not my hair.

Oh, my God!
Turkey Club Cutie! Hide me!

On your knees in a bad wig.

Listen, girl, I've been there.

No, I just don't wanna be seen--

Caroline, Caroline, I love you,
but I can't hear anymore.

That hair was hard enough to look at
in the '70s.

Fine! You were right, I was wrong.

Now help me get this off.
He can't see me like this.

That's right.
Gimme the pills.

Max, no. You don't need them.
We don't know where they've been.

Fine!
I'm going home to try to sleep.

Since this is all your fault,
you can finish my shift.

You're on your own, lady who lived
across the street from Al Bundy.

I gotta say,
I'm pretty impressed I can do this.

It's not so hard. I don't know what
Chanice is always bitching about.

I guess that's who she is.

I can't believe
I still haven't slept.

I'm gonna be awake forever.

It's gonna be like that movie
Awakenings, but not at all.

Max, you can rub me.

Wow, that wig changed you.

No, here.

Rub the edge on the bottom of my
jammie top like it's your pillowcase.

No. If I rub the bottom of your
jammies, that would be my bottom.

Turkey Club Cutie didn't ask me out.

Probably 'cause my hair
was so messed up from the wig.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

It could've been
your personality too.

You really think
he only liked you for your hair?

I only like me for my hair.

-Told you. You're attached to it.
-So attached to it!

Twirling it, tossing it, flipping it.

Feeling it on my neck,
on my shoulders, on my back.

Caroline Channing
without the option of a sleek updo

is not Caroline Channing.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I judged you
for having an attachment to something

when I'm no better.

And I'm sorry
I got rid of your sweet sheets.

Max.

Max?

Night, Max.

(WHINING) Why?

Why can't I ever have anything nice?

(CASH REGISTER RINGS)

(English US - SDH)

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