All language subtitles for Reginald the Vampire s01e10 Andres Beyond Thunderdome.eng

Previously
on "Reginald the Vampire"...

We can't just let
anyone join our ranks.

And that vampire you made
is an abomination.

Your assessment
is back on the books.

3 and 1/2 days
until our certain doom.

I'm a vampire.

How stupid do you
think that I am?

I'm being reassigned
to the Yukon?

It's everything you need to
know about your assessment.

Holy motherload.

Is that what I think it is?
Angel's blood.

If tonight is your
last night on Earth,

then you should probably
say goodbye to your friends.

What's in the bag?
It's him.

It's Logan the Re-animator.

I thought you'd be fatter.

Reggie's special.
He just hasn't realized it yet.

I had no idea
how amazing I was.

That's his superpower.

You're gonna die.

Reg, you've gotta make me
a vampire.

I think you're
onto something, Todd.

I could be
your secret weapon.

I got a date
with the final puzzle piece.

[edgy music]

♪ ♪

- You're late.
- Sorry.

Um... here.

Look, I know
there's a difference

between forgiving
and forgetting.

Maybe I can't do one
without the other.

But I know why you did
what you did.

I know your history.

I think I can do that now--

forgive, forget.

Thank you.

Hey.

You gonna be there tomorrow?

- No.
- Why not?

I don't want
to watch you die.

[sighs]

[frogs croaking]

[footsteps approach]

I knew it was you
without even looking.

Sire bond.

Wherever you are,
I know where you are.

And whatever you feel,
I can feel it, too.

Shouldn't that
have worn off by now?

Well, some bonds,
they last longer than others.

Okay.

Tell me what I feel.

They're here.

[car door closes]

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

As duly appointed representative

of the Council of the Americas,

I, LeBron James,
bring with me a warrant

requiring your presence...

Wait, wait, wait.
Your name is LeBron James?

At a meeting
of the Council of the Americas

to determine your suitability
for inclusion

in the vampire population...

Because if I were you,
I'd probably go

by a nickname or something,

like Buddy or Sneaky Pete, Cheekbones.

As measured by
the officially sanctioned

Council assessment, henceforth
referred to as The Assessment.

Or, you know, probably just
never use your last name.

Like, you know there's

a pretty famous basketball
player named LeBron James?

I mean, he was born
right here in Akron.

Said assessment to be held
on this morning

at a time and place ordered
by our glorious leader,

Logan the Impenetrable.

I knew a guy named Ted Cruz.

It made his life a living hell.

[chuckles mockingly]
How droll.

Joke now. Die later.

Sorry.
Performance anxiety.

Your spawn is very chatty.

But you have nothing
to say, Maurice?

I don't blame you.

If only you'd cooperated when
we came for you the first time

instead of making
your little scene

and siring this abomination.

But that is
a very different world

than the one we live in now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd rather
live in his world

than live without him in mine.

[laughs]
Sweet.

Come with us, Maurice. Blob.

♪ ♪

Want me to tell you
how you feel?

You're afraid
you're not enough.

That's how you feel.

Not smart enough to get us
out of this mess

and not brave enough to face
the consequences if you do.

"Not enough" is a feature,
not a bug.

Then why do I believe
in you like I do?

Low standards disorder?

Do you think I can
really pull this off?

I think this is
some of the craziest shit

I've ever seen.

And I've been living
the vampire life for 50 years.

But do you think I can?

Yeah, Reggie.

I do.

Thank you.

My belief in you
doesn't require gratitude.

Not for that.

For saving my life.

Kinda turned you to an undead
creature of the night.

Point taken.

There's definitely negatives
to the lifestyle.

But... I don't know.

My life before
all of this was...

just a car
with spinning wheels.

Maybe this was the life
I was supposed to lead.

Is that weird?

I don't know.
[cell door opens]

Weird it is pretty
much your brand.

[approaching footsteps]

So Vampire Guard,
am I right?

Yeah. Um...

Do you have to go to some
kind of Vampire Guard school

or an academy?

You ever hear of
the Yeoman Warders?

[grunts]
Yeah, right.

They guard the Tower of London
and, uh,

according to one theory,
they're called the Beefeaters

because they were allowed
to eat as much meat

as they wanted to
when they dined with the king.

Oh, right.

Okay, picking up the pace.
I totally get it.

I mean, I'm in no rush,
for obvious reasons.

But hey, wouldn't want to
be late for my own--oof.

[grunts] Party.

[bell tolls]

It is my great
and lasting honor

to announce the presence
of Logan the Unquenchable.

[dark, heavy chords]

♪ ♪

Whoa.

♪ ♪

My good vampires,
regional directors,

the very best of our kind,

we are gathered here today

to evaluate
and assess the fitness

of the newborn vampire
you see before you.

The vampire known
as Reginald Andres.

♪ ♪

[fangs click]

Mere decades ago...

A blink of an eye
in the lives we lead,

even less for those of us
fortunate enough

to measure
our biography in centuries,

it was determined

that a kind of culling
was required,

a way to shape
and perfect our race.

And so the first Assessment
was held.

And subsequent to that,

every newborn vampire
participated in it

in order to guarantee
our future,

and to do so according to the
laws that bind and protect us.

On a personal note,

like many of you,
I was made

long before The Assessment
came into being.

But I have seen the benefit,

seen how our species
has improved and evolved.

Once, we were a race
united by our thirst,

but only our thirst.

Now, in this modern age,

we are approaching
a kind of species divinity.

Hey, yo, Deacon?

Could we get
this show on the road?

I got dinner plans.

Fair warning.

The Assessment is
of great meaning for us.

It's as close to a holy ritual
as we maintain.

Scorn it, ridicule it
at your own peril,

if only because the amount
of pain and consequence

you suffer after you fail

is in direct proportion

to how much you piss me off

along the way!

Look, I'm not here to be
a party poop or anything,

but come on, man.
We're gonna be here all week

if you don't cut it
with the yakety-yak.

Oh.

Very well. It is my distinct
pleasure to announce

that the vampiric abilities
and potential assessment,

henceforth known as
The Assessment,

shall begin!

[edgy music]

Let there be bells.

[bell tolls]

This dude puts
the D in douchebag.

[birds chirping]

[goose honking]

Hey.

Hey.

Ready?

Visualize,
actualize, achieve.

Defying Gravity.

Visualize,
actualize, achieve.

Um, you have to defy gravity.

- I'm on it.
- Mm-hmm.

[exhales] Okay.

Three, two, one.

♪ ♪

[scoffs] 5 inches.

Aw, wait, wait.
Come on, come on.

I can do this.
Let me do it again.

If you wish. A do-over.

Okay.
[exhales]

[grunts]
- Really?

4 inches.

It's really pretty amazing
when you think about it.

Fail.

The Dubious Arm-Bender.

Fail.

Identifying the Cheese.

Fail.

Catch the Orb.

You must catch the orb
before it hits the ground.

I figured that out
all by myself,

thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

On my mark.

Three, two, one.

♪ ♪

[groans]

Wrong shoes.

Fail.

[sighs]

The Lonely Goatherd.

Fail.

Hell is Other People.

Fail!

They All Fall Down.

Ooh, ah.
Little known fact--

there's a right way
and a wrong way

to knock down the bottles,

though the solution
may seem counterintuitive.

But that's the point, right?
That's why no one ever wins.

We assume the best place
to throw the ball

is right at the middle.

But as the bottom bottles
are weighted,

that'll never knock them down.

So we need to rely
on accuracy more than power.

What you have to do is aim
between the two middle bottles

on the bottom row.

[bottles clatter]

I once won
ten oversized teddy bears

in one single night.

Pass.

[light applause]

[whispering] Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

A Fiendish Jumble.
Pass.

Name That Room.
Pass.

The Finger Trap of Sorrow.

Seriously?

Does anyone ever fail this?

I don't know why he says
that it's virtually impossible.

Pass.

The Golden Ratio.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, but the hairline
to the upper eyelid

should be 1.618 times the
length of the upper eyebrow

to the lower eyelid,
but I mean,

I just don't even know.

Really?
This is just insulting.

Fail!

[car honks]

After a very long day

filled with failure
and some success,

two tests remain.

Death's Sharp Sting.

If he fails this test,

he'll be
mathematically eliminated--

and of course,
tortured and killed,

along with you.

I almost forgot.

[wasps buzzing]

You must carry the nest
from one podium to the other.

If you are stung, you fail.

Little known fact.

Bees--even hornets--

are not evil,
like some monsters I know.

They defend their home
when they perceive a threat.

If you swat at them or do
some violent gesture to them,

they will read that as trouble,

and that encourages
them to sting.

Now, most insects get their
cues from smells in the air--

your own breath.

That informs them
that you're near.

But if you were to hold your
breath for 10, 30, 50 seconds,

they will no longer detect you.

They will leave you in peace...

like so.

[forced heavy breaths]

[wasps buzzing]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

Pass.

[scattered clapping]

Silence.

There is only
one test remaining.

It will decide
whether you live or you die.

And I am thinking that you
will die in the most

horrible--
- Bring it on, old man.

I'm ready to do this.

[edgy music]

♪ ♪

The Claw of Impossibility.

[wheels rattling]

[dark, suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

[softly] Hey.

I'm really sorry.

- I appreciate the support.
- Yeah.

The Claw of Impossibility.

Do you just like
hearing yourself talk?

You have 60 seconds.

Okay.

Uh, all right.

[claw machine buzzing]

[mechanical whirring]

Just calmly--okay.
Yeah, right there.

Okay, cool.
That was a--

that was just a mistake,
I feel like.

Keep going, okay.

Focus.

45 seconds.

[percussive music]

[sighs]
Holy [mutters].

Okay, I got this one.
I got this one.

♪ ♪

Ah.
Hello, Mr. Horse.

I'm gonna get you a new home.

Sarah lives there.

She'll take great care
of you...

lucky horse.

- [sighs]
- Okay.

25 seconds.

Ohh.

Okay.

You have 10 seconds.

Focus. Calm hands.

Oh, my God.
I got it. I got it!

♪ ♪

This is it. Okay.

Okay, okay.

spectators: Oh!

Fail!

God damn it.

Sorry you couldn't
get to meet Sarah.

She's the best girl
in the world.

This brings to an end
The Assessment.

The subject, Reginald Andres,
does not pass.

He is not worthy.

He is not one of us.

He is defective

and an insult to the purity
that binds us together.

Prepare the Chamber of the Sun.

[somber music]

Welcome to the penalty phase
of The Assessment.

We will begin
with a little light torture--

as much or as little
as I command.

After this appetizing
spectacle concludes,

we will let the sunshine in

and be rid
of this pestilent aberration.

Oh, for----'s sake,
bring it on.

Do not be impatient, blob.

The end of your eternal life
will come soon enough.

But it is not enough
for you to die.

Your entire bloodline,
your progeny,

must die with you.

- Bring in the progeny.
- [distant whimpering]

I don't have any progeny.
He's not a vampire!

No. No!

[grunts]

You thought
you could fool us?

[whimpering]

Todd never hurt anybody.

It's my fault.
I did this.

Todd Sleater, aged
28 human years when turned.

Vampire, age of one day.

Hereby sentenced to death
as tainted blood

in conjunction
with the sentencing

of Reginald Andres.

I would like to
formally thank

the recently demoted director
of the Midwest region

for making
this special moment possible.

Your service
is greatly appreciated.

You----ing bitch.

I'm reminded, as his sire,

that you will shortly
join the roundish one

in death.

Interrupt the ceremony
a second time,

and you will die before him.

I'm sorry, Reg.
I-I tried to save you.

I tried to follow the plan.

She stopped me.

[keys jingling]

The death of your spawn

is not the only penalty
to be paid.

As is customary and necessary
to the survival of our kind,

any human that knows
your secret must die

on the day that you die.

It has come to my attention--
and again,

big shout-out
to the former director

of the Midwest region--

that there are
two such humans,

and their names
are Sarah and Claire.

No.

Please, don't do this.

I deserve to die,
but not them.

Please, I'll do anything.

You will only do one thing.

You will die.
[chains rattle]

And they will die with you.

---- you!

I haven't been
a vampire for very long,

just a collection of days--
that's it.

But that's all I needed
to know about you.

You're empty.

You're vain.
You're cruel.

The last creatures on Earth
deserving eternity.

Life is a finger trap,
and you're too stupid

to see the beauty in it.

That's why you're really dead.

Dead and sentenced

to an endless parade
of wasted years.

But forever's a long time.

Eventually,
time will catch up with you,

because you are the past,

and I am the future.

Torture him now!

Let the torture begin!

[dark music]

♪ ♪

[dark music continues]

♪

Time to die, little girl.

[electricity crackles]

♪ ♪

Holy shitballs.

Just one cut--

a cut that heals, but painful.

Then a second cut.

Then a third, each cut healing.

And as many cuts as I determine

before your torture is ended.

You will die many deaths
before your true death,

a death that you will welcome,
if only

to end all this pain.

But your final passing
will see your progeny burn

as we let the sun shine in.

[chains rattle]

Cut him.

♪ ♪

[screaming]

[groaning]

Enough!

Is that all?
Cut me!

Deeper. No mercy.

[screaming]

Let the sun shine in.

[screaming]

What is that?

Oh, right.

Sorry, I forgot
that was in there.

[grunting]

[Todd continues screaming]

[all groan]
- Surprise, vampires!

I'm still a human.

Burn, vampires, burn!

[all yelling]

Off with his head.

[neck cracks]
- [grunts]

[vampires continue screaming]

Thank you.

You're on your own now.
Good luck, vampire.

♪ ♪

You're gonna want to take
cover for this next part.

[all screaming]

Aah!

Angel's blood!

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

Aah!

[groans]

[intense music]

Uh-oh, I'm out. Shit.

♪ ♪

I am Logan,
pure and powerful.

Did you honestly think

that you could kill me--
[groans]

[laughs]

As is mandated by our custom,

I claim deaconship

of the Council of the Americas henceforth.

And as deacon,
my first official act

is to pardon the prisoner
Reginald Andres.

Yeah, you do.

[ambient background noise]

She killed the assassins.

They didn't even make it inside.

[edgy music]

♪ ♪

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?

You're still you.

- Is that a problem?
- I don't think so.

You did it.

Not me.

He did.

I got a thing
with the final puzzle piece.

Where?
Wait, what is it? Reggie!

[sly music]

[hinges creak]

Hey, Angie.

Can I come in?

I think it's time
we have a little talk.

♪ ♪

So how will they know
I'm not still human?

Because for all they know,
you're a newly-turned vampire,

and newly-turned vampires
still have human blood in them.

So all you have to do
is deliver him.

And all you have to do
is sob like you mean it.

And you'll have to
make Logan angry--

like, really angry.

Because the angrier he gets,
the worse the torture.

The deeper the cuts.

I can do that.

♪ ♪

Do you think I'm gonna need
a little more Angel's blood?

I'm a first time shooter,
long-time pacifist.

No, that's enough.

Okay, you've got one target
and one target only,

and that's Logan the Cockroach.

♪ ♪

Reggie, this is gonna hurt.

- Don't worry.
- You sure, man?

I was made for this.

[sighs]

[romantic music]

♪ ♪

Well, that was a hoot.

Logan is dust.

Reginald won the day.

Maurice is the new deacon
of the Council of the Americas.

And I am what I was before--

reinstated, the director
of the Midwest region,

and not to mention,
your worst nightmare.

I don't know
what I was thinking.

It was a momentary
lapse of reason,

some sort of witchcraft.

- Let us live.
- Forgive us.

- Please.
- Please.

Well, I suppose
the company is preferable

to me wandering
around this big old house

like a ghost.

And you do have your uses,

despite your traitorous instincts.

Thank you.

We will do anything.

Fair enough.
If that bitch survived,

find Eve and bring her to me.

And then I'll rip out her heart
and feed it to her.

[soft pop music]

♪ The beautiful corner... ♪

Big day.

The best.

Were you 100% sure
your plan was gonna work?

Nope.

Okay, now you tell me.

But I had a pretty good idea.

It turns out believing
in your friends

is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

- I'm your friend.
- Right?

- Oh...
- How weird is that?

I mean, a lot of crazy
shit has happened recently,

but that's just--whoa.

I'm glad we're friends, too.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, buddy.

♪ The candle-lit table ♪

♪ As we cut loose... ♪

- Turn me.
- I'm sorry, what?

- Make me like you.
- Todd, we've been over this.

Come on, man. I put my life
on the line for you.

True.
But that's all the more reason

for me to protect it.

Dude, I would make
an awesome vampire.

You know it.

- Okay, probably also true.
- Right?

But...[sighs] dude,

th-that's something
I can't deal with right now.

The responsibility of it.
- [whining] Turn me.

[sighs]
Asking me over and over

is not gonna increase your
chances of me changing my mind.

Although it is nice
to be reminded

of how I used to ask my mom
for a new bike.

♪ ♪

♪ Make me feel so high... ♪

Maybe I will go see her sometime.

[video game beeping]

So you're the top dog now,
deacon or something?

Yeah.

Kill the deacon,
take his or her chair.

Kinda how it works.

Very impressive.
Do you get a special hat?

Not that I know of.

You should have
a special hat.

It'll make you stand
out in the crowd.

[game trills]

Hey, you mind
if I ask you something?

No.

Reginald stashed you
at the tanning salon,

put you there for
your own safety

because the UV rays
would protect you.

Logan sent assassins after you
like he sent them here.

Well, how close
did they get to you?

Pretty close.

Claire, talk to me.

They turned off the power.

So no more tanning bed.

- They found me.
- But how did you--

[electricity crackles]

Okay, um--
[clears throat]

How long have you been able
to do that?

It's sort of been coming on
for a while.

Now it's here.

Okay.
Hey, you know what?

Maybe, uh, you and I should
have a talk about that.

Yeah?
- Okay.

Okay.

[game trills]

How old are you?

Does it matter?

Genuinely curious is all.

I was born
on the day Mount Fuji erupted

and blew fire and smoke
into the bluest of skies.

1707?

- How old are you?
- I was born

on the day they broke ground

for the largest shopping mall
in America.

It's in Minnesota,
where I was born.

Can I ask you a series
of probing questions?

Why aren't you afraid of me?

Why would I be afraid
of a friend?

Ask me anything.

- Are werewolves real?
- No.

- Can vampires fly?
- I wish.

So you don't turn into a bat?

Why would anyone want
to turn into a bat?

- Point taken.
- Hmm.

Holy water--
turns out, can't hurt you.

I once drank the blood
of a priest in Florence.

- Garlic?
- Delicious if used correctly

in many of my favorite meals.

Are you sure
werewolves aren't real?

Because I've got a feeling.

- Can I ask a question?
- Sure.

Do you want to go for a
long walk in the dark with me?

Oh, yes I do.

[stirring music]

♪ ♪

Go on, it's awesome.

I've never had
a slushy before.

Oh. Well, there's
a first time for everything.

Cheers.

[pop music continues]

♪ ♪

Eh?
Like I said, right?

It's... awful.

Ugh.
- Oh. Um...

Crap. Well, let me get
you another flavor.

No. No, no.
I'm good, thanks.

Okay.

[sighs] Mm.

So... you're a vampire.

You're not.
[chuckles]

Yeah.

Well, I keep telling people
I should be.

- "People"?
- Yeah, Reginald, Maurice.

They don't listen to me.

I mean, again, to repeat:
I'm in great shape.

I'm easy on the eyes.

I pretty much meet every
existing vampire standard.

Reginald and Maurice
might have something

to say about those standards.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, totally.

Of course.

And I support them
in their efforts.

But, uh, you get my drift.

I get your drift.

♪ ♪

Please make me a vampire
like you.

I promise I will honor
every day,

every moment
of my eternal life.

Okay.

- Sorry, what'd you say?
- I said, "Okay."

I just asked if you'd
turn me into a vampire,

and you are cool with it?

Not tonight.

Not tomorrow.

Let's take it slow,
see what happens.

♪ ♪

Uh...

I'm--I'm really sorry.

I don't know what
happened there.

Did you glamour me to do that?

No, no.
That doesn't make sense.

Uh, just, uh, I think I got
caught up in the moment.

There was like a connection,
a vibe, you know?

You were like,
"Oh, I'll make you vampire."

I'm like, "Oh, of course."
[both chuckle]

I don't know what I
was thinking, man.

No worries, Todd.

You've got a lot to learn.

[whimpers]

[coughing]

[weeps]

Who are you?

I'm Uriel, one of seven.

And we are your makers.

You're Angels.

You are emissaries
of the golden divine.

I kneel before you.

I welcome you.

You're here to save us.

No.

We are here to eradicate
a grievous mistake we made

and must now correct.

Mistake?

- [grunts]
- [screams]

[thudding sounds]

[intense music]

♪ ♪

It's a start.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Look at them.

I got a rule
about friends and family.

Pssh--I don't know.

It feels like you got both now.

It feels like it.

- We're gonna be busy.
- Yeah.

What do you got in mind?
- Change.

We can make
a brand-new world for vampires.

- It won't be easy.
- It never is.

Well, where do
you want to start?

[sighs] Um, vampires can
no longer limit themselves

by shunning those
who are different than them,

especially when it comes to
shapes and sizes and colors

and points of view.

We can do that, right?

Reggie, I'm the deacon of the
Americas, man, not the planet.

Then we'll lead
the rest of them by example.

We have a chance to rebuild
the vampire community

from the ground up--

or crypt up, I guess.

Is that actually a thing?
- [chuckles]

Reggie, that's a tall order.

Look, the world
we're trying to build--

it won't be built overnight.

Well, we got time.

Good night, man.

Where are you going?
It's a party.

Yeah. No, I know.

I just got
a lot to think about.

I think better when I walk.

[soft, stirring music]

♪ ♪

[ominous music]

Maurice?

Question.

Okay.

How many years, or decades,
or centuries

does it take
for one to forgive?

I don't know.

But it's come to mind lately.

Me and forgiveness.

So you're in charge now.

Yeah, looks like it.

You gonna break
those mother-------?

What we have here
is already broken.

I'm gonna fix it.

Ah, justice.

Turns out I missed it.

What about you, Angela?

No.
I just love the game.

You know I'm coming
for you, right?

Sooner or later.

Yeah.

Yep.

I wouldn't have it
any other way.

I prayed for a different
life in this exact spot.

I prayed here, too.

Really?

What did you pray for?

I'll tell you about
it someday... promise.

You know, in theory,
this should be

the best day of my life.

You sound like it's not.

The best day of my life
was the day we first met.

Oh, Reginald.

If there's anything
I can do to get us back

to where we were, I'll do it.

Like, if there's some
sequence of words

that act like a magic spell,
I will do that, too.

I mean, it'll take me
a while to write it up, but...

Nothing matters
if I lost you.

Pretty much my baseline.

But I'm human,
and you're not.

True. Ha.

You touched my heart,
and then you broke it.

True.

I accept the first
and forgive the second.

That's great news.

But--

There's always a "but,"
in my experience.

Go on.

I don't know what
to do now or next.

There's a lot
that I need to figure out.

And that's about you,

but it's about
other stuff, too.

And for that,
I'll just need time.

Say I have a chance,
and I'll wait forever.

Because as you know, I--

I'm entirely capable
of doing so.

We have a chance.

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