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1
00:00:01,640 --> 00:00:03,631
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,791
I understand
you played an idiotic prank on a senior,
3
00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,791
and much respected
officer yesterday.
4
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,438
That is just not true, sir.
We played the prank on Mr Ackerman, sir.
5
00:01:11,360 --> 00:01:12,759
Oh, I see!
6
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:15,150
What happened?
7
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,151
We inserted a capsule of
the truth serum,
8
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,039
sodium Pentothal,
into his asthma inhaler, sir.
9
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:21,870
Oh!
10
00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:25,516
Which is why he rushed
onto the bridge this morning,
11
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,238
apologised for being late,
12
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,915
saying he'd been having jiggy-jiggy
with the science officer's wife
13
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,718
and hadn't allowed enough time
to change out of his Batman outfit.
14
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:40,120
Permission to snigger, sir?
15
00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:42,830
Permission refused.
16
00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:44,993
May have to snigger anyway, sir.
17
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:47,230
(BOTH SNIGGERING)
18
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,438
-Do either of you have anything to say?
-About what, sir?
19
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:55,715
About Mr Ackerman. About him
being late and wearing a Batman outfit.
20
00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,710
Has he considered being Tarzan?
21
00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,637
Costume change would be much quicker.
22
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,750
You two are both serving
a two-year sentence in the brig.
23
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:08,236
Do you wanna get out, ever?
24
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,073
It's that Mr Ackerman's so...
25
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,110
Horrible, sir!
26
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:15,553
I am not, sir!
27
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,991
I'm extremely nice.
28
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,355
Lovely, in fact. Warm, caring.
29
00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:25,194
But most of all, nice.
30
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,714
Hence, my nickname, Nicey Ackerman.
31
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:31,512
That's why I entered the service, sir.
32
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:33,591
So I could share my sunny disposition
33
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,320
with inmate scum who
didn't have my start in life.
34
00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,309
Sir, he's been horrible from
the moment we first met him.
35
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,150
Today, we have a new intake.
36
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:45,920
To them I say, obey the rules,
37
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,472
keep out of trouble,
38
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,194
and your time here will pass
much more pleasantly.
39
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,393
Welcome to Floor 13.
40
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:58,757
Seems like a nice guy!
41
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,039
(GRUNTS)
42
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,595
If you want to speak,
ask my permission.
43
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,558
I was just
saying how nice you seemed!
44
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:12,798
You spoke again!
45
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:14,915
(GRUNTING)
46
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:17,913
But I was paying you
a compliment, buddy!
47
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,475
I was saying how you seemed to be
a fair-minded, okay kinda guy,
48
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,672
not one of these psycho types
you sometimes get around prisons.
49
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,992
(SINGSONG VOICE)
You spoke again!
50
00:03:28,280 --> 00:03:29,839
CAT: Isn't anyone
gonna back me up?
51
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,194
Hang on! Wait!
52
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,636
I get it! I should shut up.
If I shut up, they'll stop hitting me.
53
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,075
That is definitely the key.
54
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,270
That is totally untrue, sir!
55
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,114
-What actually happened...
-Save it, save it, save it, Mr Ackerman.
56
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,354
I've thought long and hard
57
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:55,636
about a suitable punishment,
and I've come up with this.
58
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:58,716
You and a team of your choice
59
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:02,669
will play basketball against
a team of guards led by Mr Ackerman.
60
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,549
God bless you, sir!
61
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,120
Where you will
be trounced and humiliated
62
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,874
in front of the entire
inmate population.
63
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:15,439
But, sir, if we lose, Baxter and his
cronies will beat us to a pulp!
64
00:04:16,040 --> 00:04:17,235
(SARCASTICALLY)
You better win then!
65
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,439
(CROWD CHEERING)
66
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:21,790
(GRUNTS)
67
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:28,590
(GRUNTS)
68
00:04:30,920 --> 00:04:31,910
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
69
00:04:35,200 --> 00:04:36,190
-(PUNCHES)
-(GRUNTS)
70
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,359
-GUARDS: Yes!
-(WHISTLE BLOWS)
71
00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,274
Hey, guys! Way to go!
72
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,032
-Where were you?
-Where was I?
73
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,599
You were supposed
to be picking up Rice!
74
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,672
I did! We're meeting
for drinks on Thursday.
75
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,116
Not that kind of
picking up, you ninny!
76
00:04:51,600 --> 00:04:53,159
Buddies, we've
gotta stop arguing.
77
00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:54,629
We can't lose this!
78
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,075
Got it all taken care of.
79
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,515
As soon as the guards
swig their half-time juice.
80
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,560
Yeah, the skutters managed to smuggle
something out of the Medi-Lab for us.
81
00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,199
You know that stuff
that helps impotent guys
82
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:04,600
put the zest back in their love lives?
83
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,671
Boing, the virility
enhancement drug?
84
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,230
That's the stuff.
85
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:09,589
And we've Mickey Finned
their drinks.
86
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,070
Within seconds, you're harder
than a quadratic equation,
87
00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:14,912
and it doesn't wear off for seven hours.
88
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,836
For seven hours those guys
are gonna be like catapults.
89
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:19,638
That's gonna seriously
slow them down.
90
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:22,838
You're not kidding. Try moving fast
with a fishing pole in your pants!
91
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,197
Go out there and kill.
They're lambs to the slaughter!
92
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:30,033
Go on. Go get "em!
93
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:38,189
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
94
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:44,830
(CROWD CHEERING)
95
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,474
Come on, Ackerman! Hands up!
96
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:51,518
Come on. Get your hands up!
97
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:14,550
(CROWD CHEERING)
98
00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:26,270
Get your hands up!
99
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,794
Don't let them shoot!
Don't let them shoot!
100
00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:31,239
(CHEERING)
101
00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,511
(ALL CHEERING)
102
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:32,869
Seven hours!
Do you know how long that is?
103
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,560
I couldn't remove my shorts
until after midnight!
104
00:07:39,240 --> 00:07:40,230
When I wanted a leak,
105
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:42,675
I had to do a handstand
on the toilet seat!
106
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:46,271
I stopped the lift doors
from closing.
107
00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:47,839
I wasn't even catching a lift!
108
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,358
Where'd you get it?
The Medi-Lab?
109
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:52,440
-Yes, sir.
-How?
110
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,554
If it was one of those damn skutters,
I'm gonna have it crushed.
111
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,233
It was, er...
(CLEARS THROAT) It was me, sir,
112
00:07:58,320 --> 00:07:59,549
when the doc's back was turned.
113
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,919
I went into the Medi-Lab for a sick note
but the doc said I was feigning illness.
114
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,196
He didn't accept
it was possible to have athlete's hand.
115
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,591
First thing tomorrow, you're
on spud duty for two weeks.
116
00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:12,000
Now get out of my sight!
117
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,434
Both of yo use.
118
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,195
Ha!
119
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,949
-Sheesh!
-Stuck?
120
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:39,550
Yeah. God, this is hard!
121
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,669
What are you doing,
a crossword?
122
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,758
No, join the dots.
123
00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,074
What number are you stuck on?
124
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:49,350
124.
125
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,352
124.124...
126
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,914
Have you tried 1257
127
00:08:57,640 --> 00:08:59,074
I know the number, you gimboid!
128
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,993
It's finding it that's the hard bit.
I'm not some brain-dead simpleton.
129
00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,038
Ah! There it is!
130
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,231
Look at that!
It's a bucket and spade!
131
00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:16,675
It's clever, that, isn't it?
132
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:18,754
(DOOR WHIRRING)
133
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,394
Ah! Supper!
134
00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,158
Are we supposed to tip them?
I'm never sure!
135
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,310
(SNIFFS)
136
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,990
(EXHALES)
137
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,119
I've seen things more appetising
on the floors of elephant houses!
138
00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:40,797
Only a total idiot would eat this.
139
00:09:48,080 --> 00:09:49,514
They call this meat?
140
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,160
My grandmother's buttocks
141
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:53,470
deep-fried in old chip fat
would taste better than this.
142
00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:56,669
We're on the punishment menu now.
143
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,076
No chips, no ice cream.
Just the basics.
144
00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,830
-Because we're on punishment detail?
-Yeah.
145
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:04,316
Kill Crazy reckons they
give us the cloning experiments
146
00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:07,313
that have gone wrong with some
gravy slopped over to disguise it.
147
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,190
You waited until I was swallowing
till you said that, didn't you?
148
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:15,832
He swears blind the other day
he got something with two noses in it.
149
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,037
Course he didn't.
They can't do that, it's illegal.
150
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:20,873
His starter sneezed!
151
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,038
Jimbo Steel was a witness.
152
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:27,272
Kill Crazy's insane.
He's got lots of strange ideas.
153
00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,554
He reckons every time they flush a loo
on a plane, it drops straight out.
154
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:34,993
And that's why they don't
let you go to the lav
155
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,593
when the plane's
standing on the runway.
156
00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:39,159
For fear of skid starts!
157
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,630
-He's probably right.
-Course he isn't!
158
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,438
Well, why else wouldn't
they let you go, then?
159
00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:50,354
I don't know. Maybe they're helping you
break up your journey.
160
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,119
If they let you go to the loo first off,
161
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,157
you'd have nothing to do after
you've eaten your cheese.
162
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,433
No, Kill Crazy's
probably right.
163
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:01,154
That's why houses on the flight path
are always so cheap.
164
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,114
Because of all the flushing planes?
165
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:08,879
Yeah, well think about it!
166
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,270
You can't sunbathe,
you can't have a barbecue.
167
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:12,510
And every time you go out
168
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,477
you've gotta wear a washable hat
and leg it to your car!
169
00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:17,515
It's the noise.
170
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,637
That's why houses on the flight path
are so cheap.
171
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,791
-Because of the noise.
-The noise?
172
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:22,950
Yeah.
173
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:24,155
But they're half a mile up!
174
00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:26,396
You'd never be able hear
people on the loo from that distance!
175
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:31,278
Not unless they were
like my Uncle Dan.
176
00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,949
-Not eating?
-Yeah. Yeah, in a minute.
177
00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:37,435
(TAPPING)
178
00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:39,795
Yeah!
179
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:44,990
Oh!
180
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:49,357
Oh, chicken vindaloo!
181
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:52,879
Nice one, Bob!
182
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,397
What about the poppadoms?
You didn't forget them, did you?
183
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:04,510
(CHUCKLES)
184
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:08,999
Poppadoms!
185
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:10,993
Here's a little
something for you.
186
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,750
-Same time tomorrow!
-(SQUEAKY KISS)
187
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,914
Cheers!
188
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:40,430
Is that the skutter
189
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,750
who got you the stiffening solution
for the basketball game?
190
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,638
Yeah. He can get anything, can Bob.
191
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:47,235
A claw in every pie!
192
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:49,073
Tomorrow, we're on spud duty.
193
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,639
And those knives are
supposed to be as sharp
194
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,313
as a chemistry
teacher's cardigan.
195
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,389
Do you reckon he can get
us a couple of good potato peelers?
196
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:01,474
Hang on. I'm on
to something here.
197
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,394
Forget the potato peelers.
198
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,518
What we want is one of those
199
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,750
programmable viruses
from the Science Block.
200
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:11,631
-Programmable what?
-Yeah. They used to be on Z-Deck.
201
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,878
I wonder if the nanos
have reconstructed them.
202
00:13:14,040 --> 00:13:15,792
You can program them
to do anything you want.
203
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,917
Eat potato skins,
you name it.
204
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,430
So we could program them
to eat the skins off of the potatoes,
205
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,510
and leave the rest intact.
206
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,679
We wouldn't have
to lift a finger.
207
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,870
Two weeks of hell
would become potato paradise!
208
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,279
I'll get on the blower to Bob's missus.
She'll take a message for us.
209
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,714
-Bob's got a missus?
-Yeah, Madge. She's amazing.
210
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,598
Nought to 60
in under 10 minutes.
211
00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,478
(TAPPING THE POLE)
212
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:52,269
(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)
213
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,030
(QUICK TAP)
214
00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:07,235
(EXCHANGE OF RAPID TAPPING)
215
00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,551
-Damn!
-Can't he help us?
216
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,755
No. Wrong number.
217
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:29,634
I got the Chinese laundry.
218
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:32,635
Do you need anything ironing?
219
00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:00,957
Now, remember, two entire
battalions went missing from this ship.
220
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,360
Vanished without a trace.
221
00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,034
We must stick together
and remain constantly vigilant.
222
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:07,236
One minute, everything's fine.
223
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,709
Then you lose concentration
for a split-second,
224
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,156
and you're all alone and easy pickings
for some hostile life form.
225
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:16,312
(LAUGHS)
I know you think I'm a bit of a fusspot
226
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,277
when it comes to
safety procedures,
227
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,000
but it's staying alert
that has kept us all...
228
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:24,189
Kept us...
229
00:15:27,280 --> 00:15:28,634
(HIGH-PITCHED WHISPER)
Hello?
230
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,434
Oh, Creator! I'm on my own.
231
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,237
Hey, buddy! We're in here.
232
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,594
What is the point of me giving
my "Stay alert, everyone" pep talk
233
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,478
if no one is listening?
234
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,029
What?
235
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:47,435
Look at this.
236
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:50,950
What are they, Hol?
237
00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:55,794
They look uncannily like something
you should be very, very afraid of.
238
00:15:56,160 --> 00:15:57,389
What?
239
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,515
Mime artists/
240
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,916
The ones you get in those
trendy town centres
241
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,195
that chase you down the street
242
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,793
and freeze when you
look at them
243
00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,314
and everyone laughs at you.
244
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,952
I've never seen
anything like this before.
245
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:11,594
A group of men who display
all the normal life signs
246
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:13,717
but seem totally
incapable of movement.
247
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,677
Never seen QPR play away, then.
248
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,514
Tempus, that's Latin for "time."
249
00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,678
Latin? I didn't even know
the Romans built spaceships!
250
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:28,757
Somehow this device appears
to have caused time to freeze.
251
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,797
Obviously, they used it erroneously.
252
00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,515
Where did...
253
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,277
You come from? And how did...
254
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,273
You get a hold of that?
255
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:46,158
It's some kind of tem...
256
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:49,073
...porary sto...
...rage unit.
257
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,232
-Extraordinary!
-Hey!
258
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,516
This could be a great device
for settling arguments!
259
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,040
Don't mess...
260
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,718
...with that thing. It can rea...
261
00:17:03,360 --> 00:17:04,839
...Lly screw...
262
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:06,554
...EW-EW-EeW...
263
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,555
...you up.
264
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,440
It appears to be able to
digitise time and then
265
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,591
download it
and store it on a hard drive.
266
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:18,071
This pure time can then be uploaded
into objects or places.
267
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,073
-To freeze people?
-Technically, they're not frozen, ma'am.
268
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,276
Merely operating
in a different time stream.
269
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,869
So you mean,
they're moving, just incredibly slowly?
270
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:28,799
About the same speed
as the average Little Chef waitress.
271
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:33,194
That's why they don't appear
to be actually doing anything.
272
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,634
So this device has the ability
to make time come to a complete stop?
273
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,955
What else can it do?
274
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,112
What's happened?
Kryten, why are you so big
275
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:54,751
and why do I suddenly
feel like a Vimto?
276
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,480
You gotta get me back to normal!
277
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,396
Do something!
I can't go back like this!
278
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,155
Why not?
You may only be three feet tall
279
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,878
but you're both
as cute as buttons!
280
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,151
What happened to my hair?
281
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,514
And what's happened to mine?
282
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,273
You look like the Turkish entry
In the Eurovision Song Contest.
283
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,713
It seems to have restored your hair
284
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,996
to a previous time period
to the rest of you.
285
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,150
Compensating.
286
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,712
Now it's regressed your outfits
to a previous time in your lives.
287
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,677
And you still look
like the Turkish entry
288
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,319
In the Eurovision Song Contest.
289
00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,833
So here's the question,
290
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:47,639
can you unfreeze these guys,
but take them back in time
291
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:49,870
so they have no memory
of finding this?
292
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,759
I think so, ma'am. Why?
293
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,717
If we can smuggle this thing
back on Red Dwarf,
294
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,996
it can make our prison terms
pass in seconds.
295
00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:59,234
Leave this to me.
I have an excellent place to conceal it.
296
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:11,753
(BOB WHISTLES
THEME FROM THE GREAT ESCAPE)
297
00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:18,073
Nice one, Bob!
298
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:47,754
It's not working, is it?
299
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:50,677
Give it a bit of time
to get going.
300
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,869
Look. Look!
301
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,310
-It's working on this one.
-Yes!
302
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:01,995
-And here's another. And another.
-Yes!
303
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,278
And another! Fan-smegging-tastic.
Listy, we're on our way!
304
00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,397
They're gonna do
the whole damn room in minutes.
305
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:10,553
Hey, what's happened
to your sleeve, man?
306
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:11,630
What?
307
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:13,791
Your sleeve.
I never noticed that before.
308
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,757
My God!
They're eating my clothes.
309
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,115
(LAUGHING)
310
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:57,875
Well?
311
00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,675
It wasn't me, sir. It was him.
He made me do it.
312
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:03,992
You Judas! I thought
we'd agreed to refuse to talk.
313
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,435
Just let me blame you first,
then I'll refuse to talk.
314
00:21:07,360 --> 00:21:08,794
If I ever,
315
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,315
ever see you in this
office again,
316
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,994
then you're in the Hole.
Is that what you want?
317
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,477
-BOTH: No, sir.
-Well then, get out.
318
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,877
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
319
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,870
You haven't been down to the Medi-Bay
to get this virus off, have you?
320
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,553
I probably shouldn't have
shaken your hand, sir,
321
00:21:32,640 --> 00:21:33,630
that was probably a mistake.
322
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:37,156
-Big mistake, sir.
-I, um, we'll... We'll be going, sir.
323
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:38,674
Right now!
324
00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:41,677
That's it!
325
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,673
Two months. In the Hole!
326
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,312
Sir, what about me
athlete's hand?
327
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:48,989
Go!
328
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:58,675
Straight after lunch, we zap the ship
with a two-year download of time,
329
00:21:58,800 --> 00:21:59,835
and the records will show
330
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,480
that we've served our sentences
and are free to be released.
331
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:04,039
This machine's amazing!
332
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:05,713
Do you think it can do
boob jobs, too?
333
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,751
Obviously, I'm just thinking
about the future.
334
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,558
-You spilt my soup!
-Sorry, Baxter, non-bud!
335
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,833
It was an accident!
336
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:19,159
Hot Bovril!
337
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,879
Ahhh!
338
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:30,719
(BUTTONS BEEPING)
339
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:36,755
(GRUNTS)
340
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,197
Look at him. The big lug.
341
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,271
I'd hate to clean the bath out
after him!
342
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,271
You'd need a sander
to get rid of the tide mark
343
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,158
and a leaf vac to hoover the hair.
344
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:51,630
Fix him!
Fix him with the time wand.
345
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,234
Watch this.
346
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,109
(CLUCKING)
347
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,434
(LAUGHING)
348
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:24,474
Hello!
349
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:26,313
Hey! There's someone
in here with us.
350
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,311
Yeah, it's that bloke
sitting next to you.
351
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:31,155
Who are you? What's your name?
352
00:23:31,240 --> 00:23:33,516
They call me Bird man.
353
00:23:33,600 --> 00:23:35,318
Oh, aye? Why's that?
354
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,914
'Cause he really likes
instant custard! Why do you think?
355
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,713
This is Pete.
356
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:46,078
He's nine years old,
which in sparrow years is, er...
357
00:23:47,080 --> 00:23:48,593
Nine years old!
358
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,357
So that makes him, er...
359
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:53,949
Nine?
360
00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:57,236
Nine. That's right!
You've met him before, have you?
361
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:00,397
Two months of this! God!
362
00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:01,879
(ELECTRIC SAWING)
363
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,913
What's this?
364
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,473
(BOB WHISTLES
THEME FROM THE GREAT ESCAPE)
365
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:24,040
What happened to everyone?
366
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:25,953
It's like they're all frozen
on the spot.
367
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,430
Yvonne McGruder went like this
when I tried to kiss her.
368
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,710
Hey, hey,
this'll drive them crazy!
369
00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:51,239
-Hey, guys!
-Ah, sirs!
370
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:52,549
Buddies!
371
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,038
-This is Bird man.
-And this is Pete.
372
00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:57,275
We found this machine
373
00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:00,034
that can digitise time
and we can release jets of it.
374
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,112
And we reckon it can make
our sentence pass in a nanosecond!
375
00:25:03,720 --> 00:25:04,869
Hats off, sirs.
376
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,435
There's something
wrong with Pete!
377
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:12,950
-What?
-He's gone all stiff!
378
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:15,958
He must have drunk
the guards' half-time juice!
379
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,520
Not that kind of stiff!
380
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,749
He's dead.
381
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,798
The excitement of being free
has killed him.
382
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:24,554
He really loved that bird.
383
00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:26,753
It was the only thing
that kept him going.
384
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:28,914
I can't guarantee anything, sir,
385
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,594
but I think the time wand
could bring Pete back to life,
386
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,273
make him young
and strong again.
387
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:34,509
Watch.
388
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:48,874
(ROAR)
389
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,918
-Holy...
-Smeg!
390
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:53,400
(ROARS)
391
00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,594
Where the hell did
Barney's ugly brother come from?
392
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:00,909
From Pete, sir.
393
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:02,673
Birds are descended
from dinosaurs,
394
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:04,433
from the theropod family.
395
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,512
I inadvertently reversed
evolution several million years.
396
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:11,349
(ROARS)
397
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,599
There's an old cat saying
which has particular relevance here.
398
00:26:15,680 --> 00:26:17,591
It goes something like this,
399
00:26:17,680 --> 00:26:19,990
"We are all gonna die!"
400
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:23,710
Pete? Is that you, Pete?
401
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:25,994
Bird man!
402
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:32,349
(SNEEZES)
403
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,429
Gesundheit.
404
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:39,919
Do you want some seed?
405
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,191
That's a no, then, is it?
406
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:48,879
What now, sir?
407
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,633
Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!
408
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,711
(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)
409
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:03,072
(ROARING)
410
00:27:18,400 --> 00:27:22,394
Hey! Hey! Pete, eat me! Here!
411
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,596
Bob! Bob, catch!
412
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:30,309
(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)
413
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:33,910
Bob!
414
00:27:34,280 --> 00:27:35,270
(ROARS)
415
00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:42,909
Bob!
416
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:45,554
(BOB SQUEAKS)
417
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:51,558
Come on, Kryten, hurry up!
418
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,074
(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)
419
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:06,155
Leg it mode, sir!
420
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:08,830
(THUDDING)
421
00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:09,955
We've lost the time wand.
422
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:12,674
How the hell are we gonna
get rid of that thing now?
423
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,109
We're finished!
424
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:18,720
Stop yelling, man, we gotta
think our way out of this.
425
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:19,990
(ROARS)
426
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:21,639
We're finished!
427
00:28:22,040 --> 00:28:23,792
Shut up and get a grip, man!
428
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,271
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It's just I was... Look, I'm better now.
429
00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:29,952
-Can I just say one thing?
-Yeah, go on.
430
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:31,555
We're finished!
431
00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:34,359
Hol, need some advice, mate.
432
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,353
We've been cornered
by a 7. rexthat was formerly a sparrow.
433
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:38,589
And the only thing
that can turn it
434
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:40,239
back into Woody Woodpecker
is in its stomach.
435
00:28:40,360 --> 00:28:41,680
What's your take
on the situation?
436
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:43,592
What do you want, the long
or the short version?
437
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,393
Ooh... Long.
438
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:46,954
You're finished.
439
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,075
What's the short version?
440
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:56,750
Bye.
441
00:28:59,320 --> 00:29:00,719
-Kryten?
-Er, yes, ma'am?
442
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:02,952
How long, in the normal
course of things,
443
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,998
will it take for Pete to pass
the time wand out of his system?
444
00:29:07,160 --> 00:29:08,389
Well, strangely enough, ma'am,
445
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,676
I don't have that information
in my database.
446
00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:12,717
My programmers,
for some insane reason,
447
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,316
believed that dinosaur bowel
movement frequency tables
448
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:18,357
wouldn't be required.
Imbeciles!
449
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:19,430
(ROARS)
450
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:20,590
Why? What's your suggestion?
451
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:23,149
Well, the quicker we get
the time wand back, the better, right?
452
00:29:23,400 --> 00:29:24,390
-Right.
-Right.
453
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:27,393
So, why don't we lure Pete
into the Food Bay
454
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:30,077
and get him
to eat some roughage!
455
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:32,312
Get a 7. rexto eat roughage?
456
00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:36,915
Yeah! All-Bran, prunes, baked beans
on toast, that sort of stuff.
457
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,956
We can't get Lister to eat that sort
of stuff, let alone a 7-ton dinosaur.
458
00:29:41,160 --> 00:29:43,993
The more roughage,
the quicker we get the time wand back.
459
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,479
Have you got any better ideas?
460
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:47,990
Yes, I have got a better idea actually,
I'm gonna kill myself.
461
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,270
(ROARS)
462
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,314
We've gotta keep this dinosaur
business quiet or we're dead.
463
00:29:57,400 --> 00:29:58,720
Keep him quiet?
464
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:00,999
He's rampaging
about the food decks,
465
00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,913
making more noise than two
yodelling champions on honeymoon.
466
00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:06,991
Everyone on the ship will
have heard him by now.
467
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:11,069
But, sir, the crew are frozen,
operating on a different time stream.
468
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,994
Now, if we can recapture
the time wand and turn Pete
469
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,960
back into a sparrow before the freeze
expires, no one need be any the wiser.
470
00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:20,949
He's right. I just listened
to everything he said
471
00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,316
and I still ain't got
a clue what's happening.
472
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:25,110
(ROARS)
473
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:28,230
(BEEPING)
474
00:30:44,120 --> 00:30:47,192
Right over, sir.
We don't want a gap.
475
00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:48,710
Right over.
476
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,439
Cow vindaloo?
477
00:30:58,960 --> 00:30:59,950
It's not gonna work.
478
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:01,994
Of course, it's gonna work.
479
00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:03,673
7. rexes don't like curry.
480
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:06,350
They're hard, aren't they?
Of course they like curries!
481
00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:10,556
If a 7. rexwas a bloke,
he'd be a Geordie.
482
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:12,916
The kind of guy who wears
t-shirts in the middle of winter
483
00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:14,354
and his nipples
don't even get hard.
484
00:31:17,880 --> 00:31:20,713
A 7-ton theropod
is not gonna eat Indian food.
485
00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,197
They like flesh, preferably living,
486
00:31:23,640 --> 00:31:26,109
liberally coated in blood
with a side order of intestines
487
00:31:26,200 --> 00:31:28,077
and an extra portion of blood.
488
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:30,631
A bit like
the French in that respect.
489
00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:33,999
Look, we got nothing to lose.
490
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,675
And if the worst comes to the worst,
and the dino doesn't eat it,
491
00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:38,229
I'll scoff it me self.
492
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:39,750
(ROARS)
493
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:43,032
That door's not gonna
hold out much longer.
494
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,269
If only that damn 7. rex
felt like I do now.
495
00:31:46,400 --> 00:31:48,232
He wouldn't even need a curry.
496
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,110
Don't put that stuff in,
you're gonna spoil the taste!
497
00:31:57,920 --> 00:31:59,399
Here he comes!
498
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:01,319
(CLANGING)
499
00:32:15,840 --> 00:32:16,989
(SOFT GROWL)
500
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:18,195
It's loving it!
501
00:32:21,760 --> 00:32:23,478
Maybe we should have made
some poppadams,
502
00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:26,234
gone the whole hog?
503
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,117
The whole hog? Like it wasn't
hard enough getting the whole cow?
504
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,150
(ROARS)
505
00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:35,435
I think he wants a lager.
506
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:47,109
(HIGH-PITCHED ROAR)
507
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,231
It was a hot one, but with it being
a dino, I thought it could stand it!
508
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,069
(WAILING)
509
00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:03,154
(SPLINTERING CRASH)
510
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,077
The time freeze on
the guards must have...
511
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,557
If only those buttons
were more clearly marked!
512
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:34,677
The rules on dinosaurs
aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.
513
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:37,754
No pets. Am I right?
514
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:39,920
(SHOUTING) Am I right?
515
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:41,435
BOTH: Yes, sir.
516
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:45,349
Have you any idea
the damage that thing has caused?
517
00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:46,710
BOTH: No, sir.
518
00:33:47,320 --> 00:33:49,675
It has eaten our entire supply,
519
00:33:49,760 --> 00:33:53,037
2.5 tons of mint-choc ice cream.
520
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,955
I love mint-choc ice cream,
521
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,714
and that damn dino has eaten
every last bit.
522
00:34:00,560 --> 00:34:02,312
We were just trying to get
the time wand back, sir.
523
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,758
It's also eaten 400 crates
of orange ice pops,
524
00:34:06,840 --> 00:34:08,751
and drank all the Coca-Cola.
525
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:10,630
Guess what?
526
00:34:10,720 --> 00:34:11,994
You love orange ice pops
527
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:13,400
-and Coca-Cola, sir.
-Coca-Cola, sir.
528
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,120
I love orange ice pops
and Coca Cola!
529
00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:17,909
Sir, if you could just let us...
530
00:34:18,000 --> 00:34:22,631
And you know what happens
when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,
531
00:34:22,720 --> 00:34:26,793
and then eats 2.5 tons
of mint-choc ice cream,
532
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:30,193
followed by 400 crates
of orange ice pops,
533
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,032
and swills the whole thing
534
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:35,875
down with 2,000 gallons
of a popular fizzy drink?
535
00:34:36,800 --> 00:34:38,029
Do you know what happens?
536
00:34:39,120 --> 00:34:40,474
It burps?
537
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,274
Oh, it burps.
538
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:46,431
And do you know what
happened to the poor brave men
539
00:34:46,520 --> 00:34:49,353
who had the misfortune
to get in the way of that burp?
540
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:52,638
They went, "Phwoar"?
541
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:57,479
It took out
the entire platoon,
542
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:01,310
hurling them 20 feet
across the Cargo Bay wall.
543
00:35:01,600 --> 00:35:03,910
Sir, I hope this one small
dinosaur incident
544
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,310
won't tarnish an otherwise
flawless service record, sir.
545
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:13,157
Do you know what happens when
a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,
546
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:16,079
2.5 tons of mint-choc ice cream,
547
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:19,152
followed by 400 crates
of orange ice pops,
548
00:35:19,240 --> 00:35:22,153
and swills it all down
with 2,000 gallons
549
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:25,198
of a popular fizzy drink,
after it's burped?
550
00:35:26,240 --> 00:35:27,310
It feels sick?
551
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:31,678
Oh, no! It doesn't feel sick,
Rimmer, it is sick!
552
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:36,239
Five of our best men nearly drowned!
553
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:39,398
Two others are in hospital,
554
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:42,916
concussed by pieces of carrot
the size of tree trunks.
555
00:35:45,040 --> 00:35:46,872
We are so... Deeply...
556
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:48,951
We are really, deeply,
deeply, deeply sorry, sir.
557
00:35:49,240 --> 00:35:53,120
Do you know what happens when
a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,
558
00:35:53,520 --> 00:35:57,514
then eats 2.5 ton
of mint-choc ice cream, followed by...
559
00:35:57,640 --> 00:35:58,630
Oh, God, it didn't?
560
00:35:59,880 --> 00:36:00,870
It didn't what, Lister?
561
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:03,273
It didn't get a diarrhoea attack,
did it?
562
00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,512
100% correct!
563
00:36:07,840 --> 00:36:10,400
And, do you know what
happened to the battalion
564
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:12,517
that was sneaking up on the beast
565
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:18,158
from behind,
of which I was a proud member?
566
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:22,591
Do you know?
Do you know what happened?
567
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:26,713
-I've got a fair idea, sir.
-Yes, sir. A fair idea, sir.
568
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:28,029
A tidal wave.
569
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:30,831
Fifteen feet high.
570
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:34,034
I will be in therapy
for the rest of my life.
571
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:37,594
I've had 12 baths
and three showers.
572
00:36:37,800 --> 00:36:40,918
Now, do you have anything to say?
573
00:36:41,240 --> 00:36:43,231
Yes, sir, I think you missed
a bit up your left nostril, sir.
574
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,036
Nobody knows
how to work this thing.
575
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:54,398
It is sedated in the Cargo Bay.
Turn it back into a sparrow!
576
00:36:55,280 --> 00:36:58,398
Sir, erm, what about Bob?
Did he show up?
577
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,469
Who the hell do you think
landed on my head?
578
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,120
He is in repairs, being oiled.
579
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:07,555
Bring back the sparrow.
580
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:11,233
And, if you try
anything smart, you're dead.
581
00:37:12,360 --> 00:37:13,634
BOTH: Yes, sir.
582
00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:19,120
And, if I ever, ever, ever,
see you in this office again,
583
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:20,993
you are finished.
584
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:24,875
See you in 10 minutes?
585
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:30,989
See you in 10 minutes?
586
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:36,395
See you in 10 minutes?
587
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:41,755
See you in 10 minutes?
588
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:46,749
See you in 10 minutes?
589
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:51,309
See you in 10 minutes?
590
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:56,757
Did you get
punishment duty, too?
591
00:37:56,840 --> 00:38:00,595
I've got to iron 800 prison smocks.
I don't understand.
592
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:01,670
Oh!
593
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,314
Why do you get punishment
duty and I get a reward?
594
00:38:05,280 --> 00:38:07,078
800! Bliss!
595
00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:12,635
Did you see the Captain's report?
The one lying open on his desk?
596
00:38:12,720 --> 00:38:13,755
See what it said about you?
597
00:38:14,320 --> 00:38:16,834
He used the word "imbecile"
four times in one sentence.
598
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:21,552
Oh, yeah? What were
the other words in the sentence?
599
00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:23,115
Just your name and a dash.
600
00:38:26,720 --> 00:38:28,757
I don't know, you make
a couple of tiny mistakes,
601
00:38:28,880 --> 00:38:31,838
you give the Captain a virus
that eats all his hair off,
602
00:38:31,920 --> 00:38:34,036
then you accidentally turn
a sparrow into a dinosaur
603
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:35,633
and you never hear
the last of it!
604
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:39,275
(SIGHS) He really
thinks I'm an imbecile?
605
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:41,910
I'm finished, I'm never gonna
make it into High Command now.
606
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:44,829
It's just the people who know you
who think you're an imbecile.
607
00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:46,149
Everyone else thinks
you're a moron.
608
00:38:48,840 --> 00:38:51,480
He is a good Captain, though,
Captain Hollister, isn't he, eh?
609
00:38:51,560 --> 00:38:52,959
On the ball. Quick.
610
00:38:53,320 --> 00:38:55,960
Quick? The only time he's quick
is when he's passing a salad bar.
611
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:01,913
You do admire him though,
don't you?
612
00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:06,638
Admire him? A man who has his own cinema
pick-and-mix factory in his quarters?
613
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:09,798
A man who has a walk-in fridge?
614
00:39:11,040 --> 00:39:13,350
Who lists as his hobbies
"chewing and swallowing"?
615
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:19,354
You did tell me once before, though
you do respect him, don't ya?
616
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:22,479
Respect him?
A man whose family crest is made up
617
00:39:22,560 --> 00:39:24,153
of two cream buns and a profiterole?
618
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:27,519
A man whose idea
of a light snack...
619
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:29,352
-He's standing behind me, isn't he?
-Yes, he is.
620
00:39:32,080 --> 00:39:33,593
I was just talking about you, sir.
621
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:36,755
I was saying what a big fat
lump of blubber I think you are,
622
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:39,272
and how that potato virus
I contracted yesterday
623
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:41,715
doesn't appear to have had any strange
side effects whatsoever...
624
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:43,916
(GIBBERISH)
625
00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,155
You forgot this.
626
00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,118
You left it in my office.
627
00:39:55,840 --> 00:39:58,639
Do you have any idea the damage
that this could cause
628
00:39:58,720 --> 00:40:00,631
if it got into
the wrong hands?
629
00:40:01,080 --> 00:40:02,798
Look after it!
630
00:40:17,920 --> 00:40:20,389
You're there, I know you're there,
you little sod!
631
00:40:20,840 --> 00:40:22,638
Come on, out! Out!
632
00:40:25,480 --> 00:40:26,959
(SIGHS)
633
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:29,873
There's a mouse under here, it's been
scuttling around for about 10 minutes.
634
00:40:30,000 --> 00:40:31,832
It's not a mouse,
ma'am, it's Archie.
635
00:40:32,600 --> 00:40:33,635
Archie?
636
00:40:33,720 --> 00:40:35,154
My penis.
It must have escaped.
637
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:41,910
You know, I'm really going
to have to get my ears syringed.
638
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:43,838
Do you know what that
sounded like to me?
639
00:40:44,040 --> 00:40:45,394
I made one.
640
00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:50,073
Forget my ears,
maybe my whole brain needs syringing.
641
00:40:50,640 --> 00:40:51,675
You made one?
642
00:40:52,040 --> 00:40:55,396
Mmm. Out of an old electron board,
a loo roll, some sticky-backed plastic
643
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:57,637
and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.
644
00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:00,999
Kryten, why do you want one?
645
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:04,398
Ah! It's so humiliating, being
posted to the Women's Wing
646
00:41:04,480 --> 00:41:06,232
just because
I'm genitally challenged!
647
00:41:06,320 --> 00:41:08,789
So I decided to make one
like Mr Lister's.
648
00:41:08,880 --> 00:41:11,315
Little rascal must have
got bored jumping in and out of his hoop
649
00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:13,152
and made a break for it
during the night.
650
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:16,429
No wonder I couldn't lure
him out with a bit of cheese.
651
00:41:17,240 --> 00:41:18,799
This whole thing's
making sense now.
652
00:41:19,040 --> 00:41:20,713
Just leave this to me, ma'am.
653
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:22,279
Here, Archie! Here, boy!
654
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:23,994
(CHITTERING)
655
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:25,593
There he is!
656
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,434
(TRILLING)
657
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:32,434
(TRILLING ECHOES)
658
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,078
Kryten, do you realise
what this means?
659
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:42,395
No, ma'am.
660
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:43,515
It means you're a real man.
661
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:44,795
It does? Why?
662
00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:48,236
Because now, like all men, you have
absolutely no control over your penis.
663
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:54,280
I'm so proud!
Archie, come back!
664
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:58,272
All right, girls, new Canary mission.
665
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:01,997
-What?
-Untamed dino on the loose!
666
00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:08,237
We're not going in till
we know what we're doing.
667
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:10,835
That could take years.
668
00:42:11,880 --> 00:42:13,837
You point that thing
at yourself by mistake
669
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:15,752
and you could wind up as a sperm!
670
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:17,354
Is that what you want?
671
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:19,556
Hell no!
None of my suits will fit!
672
00:42:21,080 --> 00:42:22,593
Well, if that gizmo thing
don't work,
673
00:42:22,720 --> 00:42:24,677
Captain says we gotta go
in and 'ave that 7. rex.
674
00:42:25,480 --> 00:42:26,959
And we ain't usin' no guns.
675
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:30,516
Yeah, guns are for wusses.
It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.
676
00:42:34,520 --> 00:42:36,113
A fistfight with a 7. rex?
677
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:40,634
Yeah, but them 7. rexes, mate,
they only got little arms, ain't they?
678
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,519
Ain't got no reach.
Yeah, I'll just pick it off.
679
00:42:46,320 --> 00:42:47,435
Bosh!
680
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:52,391
Can't reach anything
with them little arms.
681
00:42:53,160 --> 00:42:55,595
That's probably
why they're always a bit grumpy.
682
00:43:11,760 --> 00:43:13,990
-Oh, my God!
-What!
683
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,630
-Something's wrong!
-What do you mean, man?
684
00:43:16,720 --> 00:43:18,677
Something's inside me
and it wants to get out!
685
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:19,795
Oh, my God!
686
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:23,077
(SCREAMING) Help!
687
00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:26,434
(TRILLING)
688
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:29,029
What is it?
689
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,394
I think it's Archie, sir.
690
00:43:33,320 --> 00:43:34,390
It's who?
691
00:43:34,480 --> 00:43:36,073
He escaped earlier,
probably followed us.
692
00:43:36,320 --> 00:43:38,880
Must have dozed off
in the Cat's pocket and just woke up.
693
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:41,195
Who the smeg is Archie?
694
00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,680
Oh, don't be alarmed, sir.
It's just my penis is on the loose.
695
00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:47,474
(CAT YELLS)
696
00:43:52,240 --> 00:43:53,560
(CRYING OUT)
697
00:43:57,240 --> 00:43:59,709
We want a Barney with Barney,
698
00:44:00,320 --> 00:44:02,357
don't want any sane people spoilin' it.
699
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:05,589
Death or glory. Yee-hah!
700
00:44:06,720 --> 00:44:08,438
Hang on guys, come on, wait a minute.
701
00:44:08,520 --> 00:44:09,840
(GRUNTS)
702
00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:18,080
This thing's useless!
703
00:44:19,600 --> 00:44:21,591
Say goodbye to your teeth.
704
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,520
Argh!
705
00:44:25,800 --> 00:44:26,870
Something's not right.
706
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:28,758
We're gettin' our butts kicked
and it doesn't hurt.
707
00:44:29,240 --> 00:44:30,560
(GRUNTS)
708
00:44:30,720 --> 00:44:31,869
See? Look, I'm not even bleeding.
709
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:33,274
(GRUNTS)
710
00:44:34,960 --> 00:44:36,473
You're right.
711
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,391
According to this, sirs,
they put your bodies
712
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:51,471
on a different time stream
to the rest of you.
713
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:53,073
Let's go!
714
00:44:55,240 --> 00:44:56,389
(SNAPS)
715
00:45:12,960 --> 00:45:15,679
You lost the time wand?
716
00:45:16,760 --> 00:45:19,513
-We were ambushed, sir.
-By whom?
717
00:45:19,600 --> 00:45:22,160
-Well, first of all by Kryten's...
-(GRUNTS)
718
00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:24,311
-And then we were jumped by...
-(GRUNTS)
719
00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:26,232
Sir.
720
00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:27,799
That's it?
721
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:33,071
Okay. No more Mr Nice Guy,
no more second chances.
722
00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:36,596
You get that time wand back,
you get that sparrow back,
723
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:40,560
and if you step out of line
one more time,
724
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:43,075
one more time, you're dead!
725
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:44,389
Do you understand?
726
00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:51,193
-(PUNCHING SOUND)
-(GRUNTS)
727
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:52,793
(SHATTERING)
728
00:45:55,560 --> 00:45:58,074
-What was that?
-I thi... Oh!
729
00:45:58,160 --> 00:45:59,673
-(PUNCHING SOUND)
-(THUD)
730
00:46:06,440 --> 00:46:08,556
What the hell is going on?
731
00:46:10,760 --> 00:46:11,750
The effects of the fight,
732
00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:13,160
-they've caught up with us!
-(PANTING)
733
00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:20,273
Get out of here,
both of you! Out!
734
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:22,913
-Oh!
-Ahhh!
735
00:46:23,280 --> 00:46:24,873
(SCREAMING)
736
00:46:34,360 --> 00:46:36,715
Getting that time wand back
could take forever,
737
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:39,599
and they could zap us with it
and turn us into anything!
738
00:46:43,720 --> 00:46:46,553
I don't think getting it back
is gonna be much of a problem.
739
00:46:47,320 --> 00:46:49,277
(GRUNTING)
740
00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:56,559
(CLINKING)
741
00:46:59,280 --> 00:47:00,679
(SNORING)
742
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:03,759
RIMMER: It's gonna go wrong, isn't it?
743
00:47:03,840 --> 00:47:05,558
Look, all I've got to do is
press "Undo",
744
00:47:05,640 --> 00:47:07,472
and the time wand
will retrace its steps
745
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,073
and undo everything
it's done so far.
746
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:11,197
This way we'll even get
Bird man back.
747
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:13,590
Something's gonna go wrong,
it always does for us.
748
00:47:13,680 --> 00:47:15,193
Will you relax?
749
00:47:19,360 --> 00:47:21,033
Bird man's boots.
750
00:47:21,120 --> 00:47:23,589
Now to get
the rest of him back.
751
00:47:27,800 --> 00:47:31,395
Pete ate me. He ate me.
752
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:34,557
He must be really
out of sorts,
753
00:47:34,640 --> 00:47:38,634
he's never
eaten me before, never.
754
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:44,118
-Pete!
-(CHIRPING)
755
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:46,999
-You want some seed?
- (CHIRPING)
756
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:49,230
Now, destroy the time wand.
757
00:47:49,320 --> 00:47:51,197
This machine's priceless!
758
00:47:51,280 --> 00:47:52,953
Destroy it!
759
00:47:54,920 --> 00:47:56,115
(SMASHING)
760
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:17,752
(CRACKING)
761
00:48:18,840 --> 00:48:20,478
What are we gonna do now?
762
00:48:21,320 --> 00:48:24,517
Now... Rebuild...
The time wand.
763
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:26,398
It's absolutely priceless!
764
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:49,353
(SQUEAKY ROAR)
765
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:53,832
Stop that dinosaur!
766
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:57,158
It's gone in the lift,
it's gone in the lift!
767
00:48:57,240 --> 00:48:59,390
Get it back, get it back!
Get it back.
768
00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:03,078
Ooh, that coconut milk
felt great.
769
00:49:12,520 --> 00:49:14,591
Oh, I'm such a wreck.
770
00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:31,272
(MOANS)
771
00:49:32,320 --> 00:49:34,789
Ah! Oh, that's great.
772
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:43,039
Oh, there's a certain roughness about
your touch that really hits the spot!
773
00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:46,150
(SQUEAKY ROAR)
774
00:50:19,800 --> 00:50:21,074
(BANGING)
775
00:50:26,160 --> 00:50:27,594
The Hole, sir...
776
00:50:40,080 --> 00:50:43,596
# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere
777
00:50:43,720 --> 00:50:47,076
# I'm all alone, more or less
778
00:50:47,160 --> 00:50:50,471
# Let me fly
far away from here
779
00:50:50,560 --> 00:50:53,200
# Fun, fun, fun
780
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:56,955
# In the sun, sun, sun
781
00:50:57,040 --> 00:51:00,795
# I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose
782
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:03,838
# Drinking fresh mango juice
783
00:51:03,920 --> 00:51:07,151
# Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes
784
00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:09,914
# Fun, fun, fun
785
00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:13,880
# In the sun, sun, sun
786
00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:16,634
# Fun, fun, fun
787
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:20,793
# In the sun, sun, sun #
58125
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