All language subtitles for Call.Me.Kat.S03E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Innkeeper! Another round!

(to Chia Pet tune):
Ch-Ch-Ch-Chee-eers!

-Thank you, Carter.
-Yeah.

And, uh, here you go, Carter.

(laughs)

What I want to know is, does
the carpet match the bushes?

Don't be a ho-ho-ho
in front of Santa.

I'm not Santa.

I'm Euclid,
the father of geometry.

Not Euclid of Alexandria,
Euclid of Megara. Duh.

Well, I don't know
about Eu-clid, but Eu-dumb.

(imitates Carter's laugh)

That is what I would say.
(laughs)

I was having trouble finding
this place with a helmet on,

but then I realized...
this is the way.

(laughter)

(groans, pants)

Nanu-nanu, everyone. (laughs)

Hey, Santa.

When parallel lines extend
infinitely and never intersect,

is that called Santa's law?!

I don't know, but if there was
a cop show called Santa's Law,

I'm watching it. (laughs)

Okay, you got
to get up out of my head.

Seems kind of dead
for Hallo-Octoweenerfest.

The concept couldn't be
more clear.

It combines the best
of Halloween and Oktoberfest

with 200 pounds of sausage
I bought

from a guy at the airport.

(with German accent):
Guten Tag.

Free wieners, fahrvergn ügen?

Okay, baby, I love you,
but this Hallo-Octoweenerfest

is the stupidest idea
you've ever had.

Oh, I'm being Randi now.

Uh, if you want more people,

why not just have
a Ladies' Night?

Carter's right, Carter.

Then the number of men
in the bar

will be equal to the number
of women in the bar

multiplied by the number of
drinks at half price. (laughs)

Okay, I'm Santa,
and you're all getting coal.

Ah. Hello, all.

Happy...
whatever this fiasco is.

Sheila, we told you
we were all gonna dress up.

I know.
I'm going as Drunk Sheila.

Let me get into costume.

Oh. Got rejected again.

Like, you stalk one sperm donor,
and all of a sudden,

you're banned from every
spank bank in Kentucky.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's a sign I'm just
never gonna be a mother.

Your hideous Santa outfit
was a bigger sign.

(rock music plays quietly)

Kat?

Over here!

Why are you wearing that helmet
if you can't see?

Because I look cool.

Do you?

(groans)
Big talk coming from Math Santa.

Can I ask you a question?

If you want
to be Carter next year, no,

-I already called it.
-(laughs)

I was thinking about...

(sighs)

Well...

what if I fathered your child?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Wow.

You don't think it'd be weird?

It's only weird
if you make it weird.

I'm currently wearing a beard

and historically accurate
underwear.

-I make everything weird.
-(laughs)

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Max, I never thought

about asking someone I know
to father my baby.

Why not?

I'd be helping someone I love
by doing something I love.

Would you want to be involved
in their life?

If you want. I could be, like,
a cool uncle who's also a dad.

You know, buy him beer,
give him the sex talk,

show him how
to clear his browser history.

(laughs)

So, what do you think?

♪ ♪

Hello, Mother.

Hello, sweetie.
How was your game?

We won,
but the part I liked best

was working together
as a team.

You should've seen him.
He scored all the team's points

and sang a medley
of showtunes at halftime.

And at school I got all A's
and said "no" to drugs.

Oh, Max Jr., you must be
the most popular boy at school.

(laughs)
I'm gonna leave you two alone.

I'll be back when
it's most convenient for you

regardless of my life
and schedule.

Bye, sport.

-Bye, Uncle Dad!
-Bye!

(door closes)

I think we should do it.

Yes! SilverBird flies again!

(Kat laughs)

And-and I don't mean do it.

I mean, make a baby. 'Cause,
like, we wouldn't be doing it.

You know, you'd be
masturbating. Like...

-Right.
-(whistles)

(imitates hoofbeats)

(imitates old-timey car horn)

And now it's weird.

It's how I do. (laughs)

(both laugh)

Oh, Katharine, you've made me
the happiest woman in the world.

Hopefully, Max's genes
will offset all of... this.

Hopefully, my mothering skills
will offset all of this.

So you and Max are finally
gonna mash potatoes?

Nobody's mashing potatoes.

He's just...
giving her his gravy.

Oh!

Yeah, we're gonna use the eggs
that I froze.

It's all gonna be done in a lab.

But I did request that they play
"Let's Get It On."

-(drill whirring)
-Oh, damn. My boyfriend's

on a ladder with a power tool.

Somebody dial
the first two numbers of 911.

Carter, what are you doing?

Your idea.
We're having a Ladies' Night.

Check it out.

"Ladies drink for half price,
free sausage tonight only."

Yeah, but it looks like,

"Ladies for free tonight,
drink half-price sausage only."

Hmm. I'd go to that bar.

Oh, excuse me, ladies.

We haven't been this busy

since they used this place
as a storm shelter.

I mean, Hurricane Chelsea
was Hurricane Cha-Ching.

(laughs) Well, I don't like
to say I told you so,

but I'm beautiful, smart, and
not humble, so I told you so.

-(laughs)
-Yeah, Middle C is poppin'.

It's getting Orville Redenbacher
up in here.

Come on, Kat.
You can do "butter" than that.

(Kat cackles)

-I hope our baby's
not too funny.
-Right?

Right? (laughs)

This is why we need
more Black friends.

(laughing)

Oh, my goodness,
it's Queen Dicktoria!

-Oh.
-She's my absolute

favorite drag queen.

Oh. Stunning!

She puts all the women here
to shame.

-This is where you say,
"Not you, Sheila."
-Oh.

Martini, mojito
and a double tequila shot.

-Girl, what did he do?
-(laughter)

We all love your hair.

Well, let me let you in
on a little secret.

I'm thinking
about growing it out.

(laughter)

Carter's got some fans tonight.

Yeah,
I've surrounded my boyfriend

with young, hot, drunk women.

Should've just let him die
on that ladder.

Queen Dicktoria,
this is my friend Phil.

-Hello.
-Enchanté, Your Vag-esty.

-(laughs)
-Phil's a performer, too.

-Oh.
-He once clogged

in the country dancers show
at Dollywood.

Could I see some
of that clogging?

Oh, you don't want
to see an old man like me dance.

I'm sorry. Are you refusing
a royal request?

So, are you nervous

about whisking up
the old baby batter tomorrow?

Don't worry. I got this.

I spent six months sleeping
in a trailer with two clowns

and a trapeze artist,
and I still got my reps in.

Two clowns and a trapeze artist?

Is that what you call
your junk in front of the trunk?

No, it's when I was with
the traveling circus in England.

You were in the circus?

Yeah, I was doing my field work
and finishing my degree.

And one night,
I got really drunk,

and well, when I woke up,
I worked for the circus.

You know how it goes.

I-I do not know how that goes.

Although this one time,
I got pretty drunk,

and I ate a third
of a box of Total.

That is a young woman's game.

-(chuckles)
-Mm.

What did you do in the circus?

Oh, a bunch of stuff.
Uh, played in the band,

set up the tents,

helped the cute contortionist
limber up.

When did you finish your degree?

So that's kind of
my dirty little secret.

I never graduated.

(laughs)

I can't believe you never
told me this. You're...

(whispering):
You're a drop-out?

What's the big deal?

I mean, I'm a musician.

For me,
a degree was kind of pointless.

You know, like... like flossing.

Oh, so... so now you're against
higher education

and oral hygiene?

Max, do you like nothing fun?

I'm just saying, you have a
degree, and you own a cat café.

Yeah, and getting that degree
taught me

about hard work
and perseverance.

You want to talk about
hard work and perseverance?

Spend six years putting up
a circus tent in a wind storm

while a mime goes...

Six years?

Well, it wasn't
six years nonstop.

I'd work a few months,
drift around,

sleeping where I could.

There's a lot
of abandoned castles in Europe.

It was awesome.

Yeah, that-that doesn't sound
awesome.

Trust me,
if you're in the Greek isles,

and you look like me,
it's awesome.

(laughs nervously)

-All right now.
-(bell clangs)

Closing time!

Lights coming up.

A lot of you eights about
to turn into fours.

Babe, what are you doing?

Nobody rings that bell but me.

And you.

It's 2:00 a.m.
You usually close at midnight.

Yeah, but my friends are still
drinking, and we're having fun.

Oh. Did you know that you can
make your porn name

by combining
the name of your first pet

and the street
that you grew up on?

I'm Corky 95th.

Oh, so is that what you and
your friends talk about? Porn?

Oh. Well, we talk
about a lot of stuff.

Like, Monica's going through
a divorce, Tina's a single mom,

and Lauren... Well, Lauren does
talk about porn a lot.

She's got daddy issues.

I cannot believe how late it is.

Oh, I know. When I get home,
I'm gonna tuck myself in.

Which is not the first time
I've done that tonight.

(both laugh)

Well, I... I'm so glad
I got to meet you.

Me, too. Maybe we'll run
into each other again sometime?

Well, I'm the baker at
the coffee shop across the way.

I'd brag about my sticky buns,

but that's no way
to talk to a lady.

Honey, I may be a queen,
but I'm no lady.

-Oh! (laughs)
-(laughs)

(Phil sighs)

Good night, Phil.

Night night.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Oh.

♪ ♪

What's up?

Hi, sweetie. How was school?

Yeah, I didn't go.

What?! You skipped school?

Yeah.

I'm gonna drop out, play music,

and get with circus chicks
just like Uncle Dad.

Yeah, buddy.
Quitters for life! (groans)

But what about your future?

Mom, it's okay.
I'm good-looking.

That's my boy.

I'm gonna go clear
my browser history.

(gasps)
That settles it.

No child of mine is gonna be
good-looking!

(TV plays quietly)

Hey, baby.
What you still doing up?

Oh.

You want a little bit
of Corky 95th?

It's almost 4:00
in the morning.

Sorry. I got stuck

in a rainstorm! (laughs)

Well, I'm glad
you had a good night.

Now can you pick up
all this money

that's covered
in hoochie cooties?

Hold up. What's going on?

Are you jealous?

-(scoffs) No!
-Huh?

I think you are.
That's the same face you made

when I took the last Cheddar
Bay Biscuit at Red Lobster.

Excuse you. I am a strong,
independent woman.

I don't get jealous.
And that biscuit was mine.

-You had two,
and I only had one!
-Mm.

Which is why I'm gonna buy you
all the biscuits you want

to go with that jelly!

And-and... and just so you know,

you looked really stupid
trying to be all flirty.

Well, I was being charming.
That's just good business.

And what do you know
about business?

Well, I know enough to have
a lot more Ladies' Nights.

Fine. That's okay.
I don't even give a damn.

It's a bad move picking a fight
a week before Lobsterfest!

(groans)

Hi.

You ready to go? I'm parked
in a red zone, and I really

don't want to explain to a cop
that I'm about to go...

(whistles,
imitates cartoon noises)

...for a friend.

Wow. That sounds stressful.

Maybe we should postpone.

I've heard that stressed-out
sperm can lead to redheads.

I don't want to postpone.

They made me abstain
for three days

before this appointment.

I had to shower
wearing oven mitts.

Are we rushing into this?

I mean,
yes, we're great friends,

but would we be great parents?

Like,
you're a little bit country,

I'm a little bit rock and roll.

You're Netflix, I'm more Hulu.

Hello, Hulu viewers.

I hope you're enjoying
Season Three, Episode Five.

Are you getting cold feet?

You're gonna be a great mom.

You're patient,
you're nurturing.

-Yeah, I'm not worried about me.
-Oh.

Oh, so you're worried about me?

I-I'm worried about my child.

I-I want to make sure

I give them every opportunity
to succeed.

Oh, okay.

I get it now.

You don't think I'm good enough
to be the father?

Max, you're-you're great.
It's just, like, um...

I think higher education
is really important.

You dropped out of school
to join the circus

and make pervy pretzels
with the bendy girls.

-And you're so perfect?
-Well, I-I... I didn't say that.

Because there are things
about you

that I wouldn't want
to see in my kid.

Really? Like what?

Clumsy, allergic to avocado,

mean to only person
who wants to give her sperm.

I'm not allergic to avocado.

I use it as a test to make sure
the waiter's listening.

-You know what?
Do whatever you want.
-Wait.

You're just gonna leave
mid-argument? God, Max,

it's like
you can't finish anything.

Oh, I'm gonna finish something.

And then I'm gonna take a nap,
and I'm gonna finish it again!

♪ Believe it or not
I'm cloggin' on air ♪

♪ I never thought
I could feel so free-ee-ee. ♪

(laughs)

Is this all
to impress Queen Dicktoria?

Did she tell you
she was stopping by?

No, but she knows I work here,

and the last thing she said was

maybe she'll run
into me sometime.

Ooh. Sounds to me
like you got curved.

Totes Magee.

What's curved?

What the hell is Totes Magee?

"Curved" is just a gentle way
of turning you down.

Like, did she offer
to give you her number?

-No.
-Or ask for yours?

Oh, no. (sniffles)

I done been curved.

Oh!

(Phil cries)

-Hey, Carter.
-Hey.

Me and my friends want
to get some shots.

Oh, okay. You got it.
Tequila? Whiskey?

-Body.
-I'll be right over.

I don't think
Randi would like this.

I don't even know
why Randi's mad.

I mean, this was her idea.

Except for the penis straws.
That was all Darren.

(Darren laughs)

Carter, if I was lucky enough to
be dating someone who loves me,

they'd always come first,
no matter what.

Hey, Darren,

I'm gonna need you to handle
three vodka body shots.

Can't do it.

Objectifies women.

-They're doing 'em off of you.
-Oh, hell yeah!

I can't get the new microwave
to turn on.

Damn it. The airport sausage guy
promised me it worked.

Man, I don't know
who to trust anymore!

Kat.

Max.

I'm Phil,
and I'll take a Chardonnay.

Didn't know
you still worked here.

Helping out a friend.

It's something I do.

Most of my friends
appreciate it.

I'd appreciate a Chardonnay.

Good luck
with your sperm hunting.

Oh, thank you.

That was meant for Kat,

-and it was meant to be mean.
-Oh.

Joke's on you. I took it as a
sincere wish from a good friend!

In your face!

Oh, my God. Has my royal
drag queen finally arrived?

Close. That's my mother.

Hi. Thank you so much
for coming down to...

-So you screwed it up with Max?
-...support me.

Guess we should pour one out
for the end of the family line.

Mother, he quit school, he
bummed around Europe for years.

He's comfortable masturbating
in a trailer full of clowns.

Oh, please, Katharine.

In my dorm at Wellesley,

you could barely sleep
over the din of vibrators.

You'd think
it was a barber college.

-(door opens)
-CARTER: Hey.

-Hey.
-I only got a minute.

I left Darren in charge, and
I bought the fire extinguishers

from the airport sausage guy.

What's up?

I'm sorry.

I knew you weren't happy
about Ladies' Night,

and I had another one anyway.

I should've cared more
about your feelings.

I'm so pissed right now.

What?! I-I just apologized.

You can't get pissed.

I even used the word "feelings."

I'm pissed...
'cause I love you so much

that I'm doing dumb stuff
like getting jealous.

Ha! See, I knew
you were jealous.

And... it brings me no joy.

I guess I've never had someone
I cared about losing this much.

Baby, you're not gonna lose me.

You sure?

Cross my hair, hope to die.

(both laugh)

Oh, well, do you have
to rush back to the bar,

or can I get a few minutes
with Corky 95th?

Oh, I should get you
pissed at me more often.

(laughs)
Honestly, I'm just trying

to make sure
I'm back in for Lobsterfest.

-Yes. (laughs)
-(laughs)

The bathroom's
out of toilet paper.

Tina, you drank vodka
out of my belly button.

I am not your husband.

I'll grab some from the back.

And, Tina, make better choices.

Excuse me. Mind if I sit here?

Be my guest.
I was just about to leave.

That's a shame. I was hoping
you'd give me a clogging lesson.

Your Majesty?

She's off tonight.
You can call me Jalen.

But I do love a good curtsy.

(laughing):
Oh.

Look how far down you can go.

Oh, My Highness,
you ain't seen nothing yet.

Seriously? One-ply?

Might as well scoot
on the floor like a puppy.

Oh.

That seems to be for me.

I probably shouldn't look.

Oops!

Kat?

Oh, I-I didn't open it.
It just fell out.

Shut up. It did.

I was gonna give that to you
when I thought we were...

You can just throw it away.

This is from you?

I had it made for the baby.

You know. Silver. Kingbird.

SilverBird.

(laughs softly)

"A SilverBird Production."

Yeah, 'cause I was gonna be
the dad, and you were gonna

be the...

(sighs)
Well, you know how babies work.

Wait. Max?

Yeah.

MAX:
Mmm.

What was that for?

I'm sorry for thinking

that you wouldn't be the
perfect father for our child.

Really?

Or... just plain perfect.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I can be bendy, too,
like those circus girls, so...

Oh.

You okay?

That's a young woman's game.

♪ It's a new day,
I've got a new way ♪

♪ Gonna show up
and make a new way ♪

♪ Let's make it happen,
get you clappin' ♪

♪ Bring that passion ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh,
let's do it like this ♪

♪ It's that feeling,
can't conceal it ♪

♪ Jump on the ceiling,
oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Let's do it like this,
let's do it like this. ♪

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