All language subtitles for Call.Me.Kat.S03E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

All right.
Thank you all for coming.

I've got a big announcement.

You getting a haircut?

You really think she asked
all of us here at 7:00 a. m.

to tell us that
she's getting a haircut?

That's what I would do.

I know what it is.
She's finally coming out.

Everyone pay me.

Mother, I'm not gay.

We would support
any choice you make, dear.

Except for bangs.

She's definitely not gay.
My gaydar never fails.

Except with Anderson Cooper.

How did I miss that?

Anyway, thank you all
for being here.

You're basically my family,

even you, Mother.

So, here's my big news.

I'm gonna have a baby!

-What?
-How?

-When?
-Why?

I'd like to circle back.
What?

Uh, the correct response is,

"Yay, Kat.
We're so happy for you."

Darling, that's so wonderful.

Oh, sweetheart,
what incredible news.

It also explains why you're
wearing that maternity outfit.

I'm not pregnant yet,
but I'm gonna be.

Hmm. So, who's the lucky guy?

Well, I know
it's not Anderson Cooper.

Are you thinking
immaculate conception?

Probably more likely than you
catching a man in those glasses.

I'm gonna do it with a donor.

Well, not "do it."

I believe the medical term
is "get juiced up by."

Well, are you sure you're ready
to be a single parent?

'Cause Carter makes it look
very hard.

Truth.

Look, I know you had fun
with my nephew,

but that was only eight hours.

Do you know how many eight hours
there are in a lifetime?

We know you know, sweetheart.

I searched for my life's purpose
all over the world.

And then I held
that little baby, and...

Did your ovaries tingle?

Like Pop Rocks.
(imitates popping)

That could be an infection.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Ooh. This guy could be
your baby daddy.

Yeah, don't say that.

Let's see. Six-two, green eyes.
Ooh, he's a doctor.

Oh.
A Doctor Strange impersonator.

No, thank you.

Girl, he is five-ten at best.

This is just like Tinder.

-Subtract inches but add pounds.
-(chuckles)

It's true.

I'm six-three on Grindr.

Well, aren't guys disappointed
when they meet you?

Not once I open my mouth.

Well, you are very charming.

Yes, that's what I mean.

(singsongy):
Ooh! This guy's on sale.

Oh, I see why, 'cause he's dead.

Well, hang on,
I do love a bargain.

Okay, your eggs are already
on their way out.

You need fresh sausage.

It's really tough to make
this decision based on one form.

Yeah. Yeah, like,
like, who cares

that this guy was
in Thunder Down Under?

Wait, hold on.

I'm gonna make
my own "yes" pile.

My child's whole future
depends on this.

It's too much pressure.

Katharine, just let me choose.

Everyone knows you have
terrible taste,

just look at your...

life.

Randi, you don't talk to
your mother. What's that like?

You know, I feel like
I need more information.

If I buy the premium package,
I-I get, I get baby pictures,

medical history,
and a personal essay.

I think that'll help me feel
more connected to my donor.

You know,
put the "us" in "uterus."

You know these puns are
why you have to pay for sperm.

(quiet chatter)

(music playing faintly)

Man, I don't get it.

How can this place have
twice as many customers

as the Middle C?

I mean,
it's a stupid board game bar.

Yeah, your piano bar is
so much cooler.

Says the man who asked me
how he looked with frosted tips.

All right.
Competition checked out.

Now let's go back to
your bar and drink for free.

Wait, hold on, hold on,
I'm sorry.

You don't drink for free.
You have a tab.

(laughs) Okay.

(laughs) You do.

Fine. We'll drink here.

Let's just-- Oh, dang it.

I forgot my wallet.

Just look at 'em all.

Playing games
like a bunch of 12-year-olds.

So sad.

Ooh! They got
Hungry Hungry Hippos.

-Dibs on blue!
-Dibs on blue! Damn it.

Hold up.

Is homegirl wearing elf ears?

MAX:
Shh! Don't stare.

It could be a condition.

And we're really not supposed
to make fun of anything anymore.

Welcome to Corks and Orcs.
Can I get you guys anything?

Grog, mead, chicken fingers?

Two beers. On him.

Also, uh,
why are there elves here?

Excuse me?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Elven-Americans.

It's D&D night.

Dungeons & Dragons?

Ah, see? Your friend gets it,
he's wearing the ears.

What?

There's another game
starting in 15 minutes

if you guys want in.

I'll be Dungeon Master, so...

you guys are in for
a pretty crazy 68 hours.

D&D? I think I'll pass,
you know, 'cause I've had sex.

(chuckles) Me, too. A lot.

I'm talking double digits.

-What?
-(chuckles)

So, you think
you're better than us?

-Sorry, not at all.
-Yeah, just cooler.

Now, please,
bring our beers over

to the Hungry Hungry Hippos
table.

I'm deciding what
my grandchild should call me.

What do you guys
think of "Glam-ma?"

"Glam-ma?"

A grandma sits on a porch,

plays Parcheesi,
and crochets.

A glam-ma drinks champagne,
does Pilates,

and once smoked reefer naked
with Sammy Davis Jr.

I found him, I found him!

I found the father of my child!

Does anyone else hear
a chorus of angels?

(vocalizes)

Wait, were you doing that
upstairs?

I thought you were just taking
one of your special showers.

Rejoice in the miracle
that is donor 457.

-Let Glam-ma hold him.
-(chuckles)

He's perfect.

He's an architect,
he studied at Georgetown.

He speaks four languages.

He's a former United States
Scrabble Champion.

He once got a triple-word score
with "xylophone."

How sexy is that?

What does he look like?

Phil, don't be so shallow.

He's six feet tall.

He's got blue eyes.
He's a snack and a dessert.

Oh, he was a swimmer
in college.

Ooh, big swimmers make
the best little swimmers,

if you know what I mean.

I don't.

Your subtle sperm joke
shot right over my head.

Get this, his personal essay

starts with a Gandhi quote
and ends with a Weezer lyric.

"You must be the change
you wish to see in the world."

"The redhead said you shred
the cello, and I am Jell-O."

Damn, girl,
it sounds like you're in love.

No. Just with his DNA.

And his soul.

And don't forget
his swimmer's body

like our Lord Jesus.

Amen!

I always dreamed
my daughter would get

knocked up by a doctor.

Note to self, be more specific
in your prayers.

Mother, why did you come if
you're just gonna be yourself?

I'm gonna be here
for every step of this process.

I have excellent advice
regarding chapped nipples.

You bottle-fed me.

I know, but those six months
in Ibiza

really did a number
on the girls.

Yeah, let's not mention that
ever again.

-Hello.
-Hi.

Sorry I'm late.

-I've been elbow-deep
in it today.
-(chuckles)

Gynecologist humor?

You get me.

So, good news.

You and donor 457 are
a perfect genetic match.

(gasps) Do you hear that,
ladies?

(imitates popping)

(laughs):
Sorry, I'm just really excited!

Hold on.

Looks like the clinic has
run out of his...

let's say "batter."

Uh, what do you mean?
How could they be out?

The men I've known
are never out.

Well, let's get my guy
down here.

You get the cup ready,
I'll go on a porn run.

Unfortunately,
he just turned 35.

So? I'm sure
he's still making it.

Wait, is he a hoarder?

After 35, there's
a higher risk of complications,

so he can no longer donate.

Well, they've got
to have some more

just lying around somewhere.

Tell 'em, "Look in the back
of the freezer,"

behind the old meat

and the ice cubes
that smell like garlic.

I'm sorry.

Are you?

Or are you just saving
the last drop

of donor 457 for yourself?!

You can see why I didn't want
her anywhere near my nipples.

You doing okay?

I just feel empty.

My heart, my womb.

Well, don't give up.

There's plenty of fish
in the sea...

men.

(scoffs)

(chuckles): I'm so naughty, but
it was just right there.

(chuckles)

Uh, I'm gonna you need
to stop hugging

donor 457's profile.

(sighs) I'm just not ready
to give up.

He is so much more
than a sperm Popsicle to me.

Got you a whiskey.

I don't think
there's a cocktail that says,

"Sorry you lost your anonymous

artificial insemination
partner."

But there is a Hallmark card.

They have gotten
so specific these days.

(Max laughs)

There should be
a special bar for ladies

to meet guys who just want
to donate sperm.

There is.
It's called any bar.

What did you do to your arm?

Oh. Hurt it in the game
last night.

But, uh, I played through.

That game was
Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I still schooled his ass,
though.

Wasn't an official win.

I knocked the game off the table

before you chomped
the last marble.

We used to play that game,

but we played it with possums
and our toes.

That's why my cousin Levon can
only count to 17.

Maybe I should get
some board games in here.

But cool ones, where the kids
are on the box like, "Whoa!"

And then there's always
that kid who broke the ice.

As long as it's not
like that game

those nerds were playing
last night.

I don't know. D&D looked
pretty fun last night.

D&D, is that like S and M?

Same weapons, different uses.

Good morning.
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, but you're
five minutes early.

Really? Then I got
ten minutes to take a nap.

KAT:
I found him!

I found him! I found him!

Who? D. B. Cooper,
Jimmy Hoffa, Waldo?

Better. Donor 457.

His name is Brian Anderson.

(laughs maniacally):
He will be mine.

Aw, you think this has
a happy ending, don't you?

Finding him wasn't that hard.

You just start with
what you know: 35, architect,

Georgetown, swim team.

The Internet has photos
of the swim team

from 2005 to 2010.

I found all the guys his height
with blue eyes, got 22 names.

Well, 23 if you count
the guy wearing goggles,

because we can't rule him out.

I took all those names,

cross-referenced them
with the database

from the American Institute
of Architects.

I did have to register,
but let me tell you,

best 1,200 bucks
I've ever spent.

You watch,
she's gonna put him

in a pit in her basement.

Only one hit
in the greater Louisville area,

Brian Anderson.

Couple hours on Instagram,
and I found him.

I mean, I'm good.

Pretty sure I could've found
Bin Laden in an afternoon.

So what, you're gonna
slide into his DMs

and ask him
for his sperm?

No, Randi,
that would be crazy.

I bet she's already
dug the pit.

I learned two things
from Instagram.

One, our kid is gonna be...
(singsongy): hot.

Two, Brian teaches kickboxing
once a week.

I signed us both up,
and after the class

I'm gonna ask for his seed
in person like a lady do.

Oh, Kat, you're gonna end up
on the news again.

Please do your hair and makeup
this time.

♪ ♪

All right,
I don't see Brian yet.

I'm assuming he's got
some sort of walk-in song.

I'm guessing "Eye of the Tiger."

Hey, crazy idea,

how about we just take
a kickboxing class

and not ask anyone
for their sausage gravy?

That reminds me,
I've the cup in my bag.

It's actually
just an old jelly jar,

but I washed it out real good.

Oh, oh! There he is!

♪ It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight ♪

♪ Something, something,
something, something ♪

♪ Of our rivals ♪

Can you do the guitar part?

It goes...
(imitates guitar riff)

No, I can't, 'cause I'm Black.

Okay, this is gonna be easy.

All I have to do is charm him,
earn his trust

and secure his semen--
charm, trust, semen.

Welcome, everyone.

Who's here for the first time
tonight?

Uh, we are!
Kickboxing virgins.

We're not
the other kind of virgins.

I have kickboxed before,
so I am no kind of virgin.

Uh, damn you!

Oh, he's coming over.
Okay, how do I look?

Uh, like you should've
worn a sports bra.

-Hey, I'm Brian.
-Hello, Brian!

My name is Kat,
this is my very good friend...

Brenda! Brenda is my name.

And I don't know her,
we just met.

(chuckles):
So I am not legally responsible
for anything that she does.

Okay, you guys are, uh...

-let's call it "fun."
-(laughter)

Anyway, enjoy your first class.

And don't worry,
I'll be gentle.

Oh, I don't mind
if you're a little rough.

I like it rough. (growls)

Okay, now, which part was that?

The charm, the trust
or the semen?

Ooh... Ooh,
I like the vibe in here.

It's like
my cousin Stewie's basement.

Kissed my first girl there,
and my last.

(chuckles) Oh, man, I want
to hear all those stories.

Let me buy you a...
Ah, dang it.

Did I forget my wallet again?

More men in here
than in a gay bar.

And if this is
you coming out to me,

you should know
that I am not a beginner's ride.

I will keep that in mind.

So, do you play
this Dungeons game?

I did when I was a kid.

Yeah, it was, uh, it was
a good way to make friends

when I was 14 and thought
it was cool to wear a cape.

(chuckling):
A cape?

-Are you sure
you're not coming out to me?
-(laughs)

You guys need drinks? Oh.

It's Hungry Hippo guy.

-We're still picking up marbles.
-(chuckles)

Sorry about that.

Uh, two IPAs.

Oh, hey, any of
these D&D games open?

Uh, yeah,
table six just started.

You can probably jump in.

If you find the Book of Thoth,

you get a free pitcher
of Arnold Palmers.

(players cheering)

Eat my chromatic orb!

-Ooyah!
-(cheering, whooping)

What the hell is he doing here?

This is like the time
my boyfriend caught me

in a sports bar.

(groans)

He's a hungry hungry hypocrite.

-Let's go.
-But don't you want
to call him out?

Slap him a little?
I was promised entertainment.

Not here.

I respect the game too much.

Well, let me take you
to my favorite bar.

We play games there, too.

Oh, and you can wear your cape.

Just look at him.

Between his guns and my quads,

our baby's gonna be
a hunter and a gatherer.

Kat, pay attention.

Oh. (scoffs) I am.

Hey!

I'm soon to be with child!

Ooh! Nice kick.

Hard to believe you're a virgin.

Ooh, kickboxing virgin.
You guys said it.

She said it.
Again, I don't know her.

Um, did you...
did you see my kicks?

They were, uh,
kick-tastic. (chuckles)

Kick-tacular.
I was kicking it old-school.

-Yeah, great.
Could you back up a little?
-Yeah.

Of course.

All right. Give me a groin kick.

-Put some snap on it.
-Okay.

My future baby's in that groin,

and he's not even wearing a cup.

What, you don't think I looked?

(slow-motion):
No...

(Randi screams)

Takedown! (chuckles)

Silver for the gold.

My last name is Silver.
(chuckles)

Are you okay?

Yeah, just thinking about
all my life choices

that have led me to this moment.

Well, why don't you
take a little break?

There's some water
by the front.

-Oh, uh, can you bring me some?
-Hell no.

Guess we're alone.

Except for
the other 18 people here, yeah.

All right, let's see
some roundhouse kicks.

(clears throat)

Harder.

As you wish, sensei.

I like your shorts.

Do they keep you cool?

You, uh, don't want
the basement to get overheated.

Where'd you get 'em?

Goodwill.

Ooh, thrifty.

It's a good trait.

Might be genetic,
might not.

Was your father thrifty?

I don't really know.
He died when I was young.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Was it something hereditary?

-Bus accident.
-Whew! (laughs)

You're probably wondering

why I'm asking
all these questions.

I'm wondering a lot of things
about you.

All right, I'll just
come right out and say it.

You're donor 457
from the Kentucky Foundation

for Reproductive Services,
right?

What?

It's supposed to be anonymous.

Aha! Confirmed!

Randi, it's him!

Cue the chorus of the angels!
(vocalizes)

-Kat, let's-let's go.
-No, no, no.
Look, Brian, Brian.

All I need is one last hurrah
in a jelly jar.

And I don't have any porn on me,
but think about

that Sandals vacation you took
with your hot girlfriend

two years ago.

Sandals?

How do you know-- You know what?
You need to leave.

Oh, oh, I see,

so it's like sperm-a-palooza
for everyone else,

but when I need it,
your well's run dry?

I said get out.

-Yeah, time to go.
-You listen to me, Brian.

If you won't give me your seed
of life, I'm gonna take it.

No, Kat!

Okay. New plan. Fill this up.
I'll be back later.

What?

I appreciate you waiting
with me, Phil,

but when Carter gets back,
things could get ugly.

Why do you think I'm waiting?

I can't believe
he would lie to me like this.

Are you so mad you want
to take your shirt off?

-What?
-What?

Well, look who it is.

How was your night?

And before you answer,

know that I have cast a
third-level Zone of Truth spell.

Oh. Well, joke's on you,

'cause I'm wearing
a plus-two Cloak of Deception.

-And it fits you well.
-Mm-hmm.

This is not as sexy
as I thought it'd be.

I don't get it. Why didn't you
just admit you like D&D?

If it's okay to like it,
why didn't you say something?

Because you made fun of it,

and I didn't want you
to make fun of me.

Being straight is
so complicated.

Look, where I grew up,
if you admit

you're into something like that,
you get your ass kicked.

Yeah, kids can be mean.

So can my mom.

Carter, Max, listen.

As boys, we're taught you can't
be real with each other,

but it's okay to be vulnerable.

Take the "mask"
out of "masculine."

Damn, Phil.

You're half our size
but twice the man.

I'm working on a book.

(chuckles)

Sorry I wasn't real with you.

I should've known
you were a giant nerd.

Dude.

'Cause it takes one to know one.

Dude...

Oh, that sandwich needs
some peanut butter.

Okay, I don't know
why this is happening,

but I need to be a part of it.

-(laughter)
-Randi, get in here.

Uh-uh.
If I don't do group texts,

I definitely don't do
group hugs.

(laughter)

How did it go?
Did you get your donor?

No.

I got banned from the sperm bank
and the kickboxing gym.

-And the Froyo place
across the street.
-(sighs)

There was a cute guy there,
I threw up a Hail Mary.

All right, Princess Katharine
of House Feline,

you've reached a door,
what do you do?

-I open it.
-It's locked.

-I knock.
-Nothing happens.

-I search for a key.
-You don't have one.

Oh, my gosh,
this is so much fun!

I have the magical key of Mylor.

-Should I use it?
-What? No!

How the hell do you think
we're gonna get into

the Tomb of Gary the Terrible?

-Get your damn head in the game.
-(groans)

Then what do we do?

Let's hit the door
with a double fireball spell.

Genius!

So, you just never
want to have sex again?

I'm gonna go hit my glass
with a double martini spell.

So, the castle burns
to the ground.

You hear the screams
of the orphans

-you were trying to save.
-(groans)

Where's my dragons at, bitches?

Phil, I told you this wasn't
a dress-up game.

Yeah, well, this is not
my last stop of the night.

(laughs)

Let's take a five.

So, Zac, what's your story?

Taught machine-learning
and robotics at Stanford.

Intelligent.

Then quit to open a game bar.

-Adventurous.
Any major health problems?
-None.

-You've got pretty curly hair,
you Jewish?
-I am.

If I gave you a 100 bucks

and this goblet,
do you think you could fill it

with your elixir
of reproduction?

I'm not for sale.

Fair enough.

Give me the goblet.

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♪ ♪