All language subtitles for Ma and Pa Kettle Back On The Farm - 1951.eng

- Mornin', Mrs Tuttle.
- Mornin' Mr Kettle.

- Howdy, Lem.
- How.

- How.
- Hi, George.

- Lovely mornin', Mr Kettle.
- Howdy.

How.

Whoa.

Mornin', Pa.

- Howdy.
- How are ya, boys?

- How.
- Well, what can I do for you today?

I'd like a little...
loose tobacco.

What brand do you want?

The last batch I got
sort of burnt my tongue.

- Oh.
- Do you mind if I sample a little?

Oh, I guess it's okay.
Uh, but no pipe-fuls!

Hmm, seems like
I forgot my pipe.

Do you mind if I borrow one?

Got a match?

I got everything
you wanted packed.

- Uh, you feel all right, honey? Oh.
- Yes, thank you, Ma.

For goodness sake, son,
why don't you sit down and relax?

Anybody'd think you
was gonna have the baby!

That's the way Pa acted with our first
six or seven, but he got used to it.

Ma, he's afraid the baby might arrive
before the doctor.

Well, what if it does!
That wouldn't bother me.

Don't see why you have to
go to the hospital anyway.

I had 15
right in the house...

and there ain't nothin'
wrong with any of'em.

- He's one of'em to prove it.
- Oh, Ma!

Hiya, Doc!

That must be
Doc Bagley now.

Gee, Doc, I thought
you'd never get here.

- Hi, Doc.
- Hi, Ma.

What're you worryin' about?
Her pulse is all right.

- Are we all ready? Well, let's get going.
- Yes.

- Were you able to arrange for a room at the hospital?
- It's all ready and waiting.

You'd better get one for Tom too.
Don't think he's gonna last out the day.

Maybe I'd better stay behind,
try to get hold of Pa.

- He's got no idea he's gonna be a grandpa
so sudden-like. - Do you know where he is?

Downtown, I guess,
someplace.

Soon as we get to the hospital, I'll
telephone my office. My nurse will locate him.

All right now.

I no like this one.
Taste like clamshell.

Try this.

Little better, ain't it?

Smells like someone's shoeing a horse.

Did you fellows come in here to buy
some tobacco, or just for a smokin' binge?

When you go to buy a horse,
you ride him first, don't ya?

Yes, but...

Billy Reed speakin'.
Who?

Eh, Pa Kettle?
Yeah, he's here.

Pa Kettle's what?

Oh, all right.
A- All right, I'll tell him.

Pa... you gotta go
to the hospital right away.

- Who's sick?
- Uh, nobody. Mrs Kettle's having a baby.

- Ma's what?
- Doc Bagley's nurse just told me.

Well, what do you know?

Me, a father again!

- Gosh and all hemlock!
- Well, go ahead. You gotta get down there quick!

- Yeah, I gotta... Right now.
- No, Pa! This way!

This is my 16th.
Why didn't Ma tell me?

- Miss, Miss, Miss. Where...
- Yes, sir?

Wh-Where can I find Mrs Kettle?

Just a minute.

You'll find Mrs Kettle in Room 115,
right down the corridor.

- No, this way. Yes.
- Oh, yes. Thank you.

Pardon me.
I'm looking for my wife.

- Y-You mean Mrs Kettle?
- That's right.

- You're Mr Kettle?
- That's right.

- Nothin' gone wrong, I hope.
- Oh, n-no, nothing at all.

It's, uh... Mrs Kettle's
been taken to the delivery room.

Oh. Well, I have to go
down there, I guess.

Well, just...
just a minute, Mr Kettle.

I think it would be better
if you wait in the waiting room.

Nobody's allowed
in the delivery room.

Now if you'll just go right down
to the end of this corridor...

and if you'll turn
to your right.

Well, thanks anyway.

Waiting room?

Your first one?

I know just
how you feel, son.

I was that way myself
for the first few.

But... nothing to it.

This one
will be my 16th.

You've gone through this
15 times before?

It's just like
shelling peas.

- Mr Chadwick?
- Yes, ma'am?

- You're the father of a
six-and-a-half-pound baby girl. - Whoopee!

Just a minute, nurse.

- I was here ahead of him.
- Yes, I know.

That's a hospital for you.

I never had one
in a hospital before.

Had all the rest of'em
right in the house.

Haven't had one now
for quite a spell.

We was beginnin' to think'
Ma was mad at kids.

- Mr, uh... Mr Kettle?
- I'm Mr Kettle.

Your wife just presented you
with an eight-pound baby boy.

I'll let you know
when you can see her.

See what I mean?
It's just like shelling peas.

Doc, how's Ma?

Fine. And happy.

You should have seen her
dancing around the room.

- Ma was dancing?
- You don't celebrate a thing like this every day.

No, I don't suppose you do.
It didn't take long, did it, Doc?

No indeed. Ma stepped out
for a drink of water...

and when she came back,
heh... there it was.

She went...

It... It happened when
Ma was in the hall?

Right by the water cooler.
See you later, Pa.

Poor Ma.

I knew Ma'd come through.
She always does.

Our trouble now is to find a name.
We used up so many.

Shadrach.
That was Ma's idea.

Well, Pa, it's all over.

So the nurse just told me.
I'm glad it's a boy, Ma.

Oh, Ma! You shouldn't
be out here.

Where should I be?

I know you're of pioneer stock, but you
could at least stay in bed a couple of hours.

Stay in bed? What for?
It was Kim that had the baby.

You mean it was Kim
who had the baby?

Who do you think
had it? Me?

Oh, Pa, you simpleton!

Did anything happen?

Tom, you're the father
of an eight-pound baby boy.

Eight pounds.

Come and get it!

Manners, manners.

Thanks a lot for what's
been put before us...

and thanks for the new
addition to the family.

Amen. Let's eat.

Someone at the door, Ma.

I heard it.

Telegram, Mrs Kettle.

- Who's it from?
- Must be friends of yours. Nobody I know.

Go ahead.
It's not bad news.

Quiet, quiet, children.
Quiet down! Quiet down!

- Who was it, Ma?
- The Western Union boy.

- It's from Kim's pa and ma.
- Well, what did they say?

"Will arrive in the morning.
Elizabeth and Jonathan Parker. "

You kids hurry up and finish your breakfast,
'cause I've got to get this place cleaned up.

When Kim's pa and ma get here, I want
you all to be on your good behaviour.

We want to make their visit
as pleasant as possible, don't we?

Yeah!

You don't suppose
that's them already, do you?

I'll go see.

Well, not as bad
as I expected.

It is them. Boys, go out and help 'em
with their grips.

- Get a move-on! Hurry up! Hurry up!
- Anything I can do, Ma?

Yes. Stay outta sight
and get some clothes on.

Uh, n-n-no, no, boys.

I'm Ma Kettle. You must be Elizabeth.

- How do you do?
- You must be Jonathan.

Too bad you wasn't here
when the baby come.

You folks had
anything to eat yet?

- We had coffee on the train.
- Coffee? That ain't much.

Come on in the house and I'll give you
something that'll stick to your ribs.

- Oh! My brand new luggage!
- Here! Here, boys.

Benjamin, let go of that!

- Well, don't just stand there like an idiot. Do something.
- Yes, Elizabeth, dear.

Jonathan, put a stop to this!
Stop it, I say!

Now look what you've done. What'll these
folks think of us? Get in the house!

Here, let me do that. Sure will be glad
when school starts tomorrow.

I had no idea
reform schools ever closed.

- Now leave everything to Mother.
I'll attend to everything.

What name have you decided
to give the child?

Well, we sort of thought
we'd name him after his father.

Thomas?
Oh, but my dear...

Thomas is such an ordinary name;
it has no... no character...

- no colour.
- Thomas Jefferson's name was Thomas!

Well, of course
there are always exceptions.

Personally I should like to see the child
named after his grandfather.

I'm sure Mr Kettle
will approve of that.

- Yes, ma'am, I sure do.
- Then it's agreed.

His name shall be Jonathan.

I never put in such a day
in my whole life.

If that old gal stays in this house
another day, I'll go plumb crazy!

- Not so loud, Ma. She'll hear you.
- Oh, I don't care if she does.

It wasn't enough
moving the furniture.

Now she's got to have
a private nurse for the baby.

- A private nurse?
- Yes, a private nurse.

She ordered one this afternoon
from Turnerville.

Did I have a nurse for you
or any of the other 14?

If I don't know how to take care of babies,
I don't know who does.

Well, Ma,
it won't be for long.

It won't, huh? I'll bet she hangs around
till after the christenin'...

to make sure the baby
gets the name she wants.

- What name does she want?
- Jonathan.

But Kim and I'd sort of
decided on Thomas.

Well, she's decided different.
She says...

"Thomas is so ordinary;
it has no character, no colour. "

I got nothin' against the name of Jonathan.
Just that she insists on it.

I know how you feel, Ma.
But for Kim and my sake...

overlook whatever Mrs Parker does
for the next couple of days.

As soon as she goes, you can
run things the way you want to.

I don't want
to run things, Tom.

After all, it's yours
and Kim's baby.

But if that old dame
thinks she...

# Oh say can you see
by the dawn's early light #

- Now smile.
- Oh!

Sit yourselves
wherever you like, folks.

Howdy, Ma.

Howdy, folks.

Children, children,
your supper is served.

Children, I said
your supper is served.

Come and get it!

Now children, be sure
and eat all your lunch.

And Ruthie, keep your ears open
for what the teacher says.

- And then you'll learn somethin'. Ain't that right, honey?
- Yes, Ma.

- Now run along, children.
- Thanks, Ma. - Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye, Ma.

What time is Tom bringin'
Kim and the baby home, Ma?

He's picking 'em up
around noon.

With Kim and the baby comin' home,
and that nurse arrivin' today...

I don't know where
we're all gonna sleep.

Oh, we'll manage it
somehow.

Look, Ma, to make things
more comfortable all around...

how about me and all the boy kids
movin' over to the old house for a spell?

Just till
Kim's folks go away.

Pa, you know, you and I...

have been under the same roof
ever since we was married.

Besides, who'd get your meals
on time, take care of you?

Oh, I'd have
all my meals here, Ma.

- It's just sleepin' I'm worried about.
- Well, I'll think about it.

Good morning.
Good morning, Mrs Kettle.

- Good morning.
- How's Mr Kettle this morning?

- Pa is the name.
- Okay, Pa.

I wonder if it'd be all right if I took
Mrs Parker's breakfast up to her room?

She's not feeling well.
There's just certain things she can eat.

Would it be asking too much of you
to fix her a couple of coddled eggs?

- A couple of what?
- Coddled eggs.

Oh, well, if you'd asked for coddled eggs
a few days ago, you could've had 'em.

But yesterday, somehow or other,
I broke my coddler.

That's wonderful!

Wait till I finish this,
and I'll boil you a couple.

- Pa, go over to the old house and bring some more eggs.
- Right away, Ma.

Wait just a moment. I want to
go along with you. Are those grits?

- That's right.
- I haven't tasted grits since I was a boy.

- You mind if I have some?
- Help yourself.

Thanks.

Thank you.

You're a good cook, Ma.

- Well, I guess I'd better boil those eggs for your wife.
- Oh, let the old buzzard wait.

You know, Jonathan...

I think I'm gonna like you.

- Oh, look at me.
- Oh!

Guess I'll have to fix this
one of these days.

- You all right?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm all right.

Oh, but I cracked
one of the eggs.

You're quite a fellow, Pa.

- I am?
- Yes, you are.

Lose somethin'?

- No, it's just hard for me to forget my old business.
- Oh, that's right.

- You were in some sort of mining business, weren't you?
- Yeah, mining engineer.

Yeah. You ever find any of this atom stuff
I hear so much about?

- Heh, wish I had.
- Me too.

I saw on television,
a fellow up north of here...

found a whole batch of it
growing right in his backyard.

- Now he's fixed for life.
- Well, I don't doubt it.

Uranium ore
is very valuable.

Aw, it's all right.
Make it easier for me to get into.

Just, uh, what is
this uranium stuff, anyhow?

- Uranium?
- Uh-huh.

Uranium's a white, lustrous, uh, radioactive,
uh, metallic element...

having compounds which they use
in photography and colouring glass.

Mm-hmm.

The isotope U-235 is capable
of continuous fission, and the...

- It's used in the atomic bomb.
- Well, now I understand what the stuff is...

- I can see why it's so valuable.
- Oh, yes.

Uh, that, uh,
nurse woman's here...

and she wants to teach you
about hygienes or somethin'...

- before the baby gets here.
- What's hygienes?

I don't know, but it's got somethin'
to do with one of these things.

- More of Elizabeth's ideas, I'll bet.
- Who else?

Masks down. Ma...

- Jonathan, what kept you so long?
- Well, you see, I...

Get cleaned up at once.
The baby will be here any minute.

Yes, Elizabeth, dear.

- That's her.
- Which one is it?

Miss Quimby,
this is Pa, my husband.

- How do you do?
- Likewise, I'm sure.

I'll take 'em, Pa.
Miss Quimby here wants to...

give you a few pointers
on how to raise babies.

Seems we did everything wrong with
this bunch. Somethin' new's been added.

Mrs Kettle, whatever Miss Quimby
and I are doing...

is in the child's
interest hygienically.

You could
at least cooperate.

- Oh, I could, huh?
- And be less rebellious.

It seems to me if the baby's raisin' was left
to its parents, we'd all be better off.

She's right.
You see, when I went...

Go ahead, Miss Quimby,
give him his instructions.

Now, for rule number one,
under no condition...

will I allow you to go near the child
without wearing one of these.

Comports herself real well,
don't she... Hey!

- They're here!
- Oh!

Masks up.

Hurry! Hurry, children.
Masks up.

Mrs Kettle! Didn't you hear me?
Masks up.

- Hello, Ma.
- Hello, Kim.

Come back here.
Stay in line.

Why all the precautions?

- What did you say?
- It's your ma's idea!

Welcome home, honey.

Oh, Pa, come here and look at the baby!

He's the spittin'
image of you.

He sure is, Ma. If he had a derby hat on,
you'd swear it was me.

Coochie, coochie,
coochie, coochie.

If you can't keep your mask on,
stay away from that child.

- My first grandson.
- Oh, hush.

Now look here. I don't care
what you do to me...

but you keep your hands
off of Pa!

Oh!

- Oh, I'm so sorry
this happened, Miss Quimby.

I do hope you won't report it
to the Nursing Association.

Well, I'll overlook it
this time, Mrs Parker...

but if it ever happens again,
I'll leave immediately.

- If I really thought you meant that, I'd...
- Now, Ma...

Come, Kim, let's go
up to the nursery...

where we can behave
like civilized people.

Yes, yes, run along,
honey. Run along.

- Hmph!
- Don't you "hmph" me!

- Now, Ma, please!
- Now, Ma, don't get stirred up, now.

Remember you promised you'd
overlook anything Mrs Parker did until...

I know I did, son. But if that old witch
ever puts one hand on Pa again...

I'll... Why don't she get on her broom
and fly back to Boston?

- How!
- Howdy. How.

- What's the idea of the war dance?
- Him no war dance.

War dance corny.
Him dance of welcome.

Welcome to little
white chief.

Little white chief?

He means the baby, Pa. Uh, well,
that's mighty kind of you, Geoduck.

- We bring gifts to little white chief. See?
- Uh.

We must give gifts
to little white chief in person.

Well, why shouldn't they
see the baby if they want to?

After all, they're
our friends, ain't they?

Sure. Come on in,
everyone. I'll get him.

What's all that noise?
I he...

Indians!
We'll all be scalped.

There's nothin'to be scared of,
Mrs Parker. They're friends of the family.

Get those savages
out of here.

All they want to do is take a peek at
the baby. Surely that can't hurt anything.

- Tom's right, Mother. I'll go get...
- Stay where you are, Kim.

I will not allow a child
to be exposed to these... germ carriers.

Get back to your wigwams
where you belong. All of you!

Now wait a minute.
This is still my house...

and I can have in it
who I please.

These Indians
are friends of mine.

And if you don't like 'em,
you know where you can go.

Don't worry. As soon as Kim is strong
enough to travel, we'll all get out.

What do you mean by "all"?

You don't think
for one moment...

that I'm leaving that child here
in this environment, do you?

Oh, no. This child
is going to have culture.

- Are you in on this?
- Well, certainly not. And I'm surprised you'd...

Kim will do exactly
as I think best!

- Don't you think you're going a little too far...
- Quiet, Jonathan!

Yes, Elizabeth, dear.

Listen, Mrs Parker, I think I've been
pretty patient about this whole thing.

But when you insult my parents,
you're going a little too far!

I was brought up
in this environment.

And if it's good enough for me,
it's good enough for my son.

I didn't marry your family.
I married Kim.

And I think it's up to Kim and myself
to decide how our son shall be raised.

- Well!
- Don't get yourself upset, Tom.

I guess it'll be best
all around if...

I go over at the old house
with Pa and the kids.

- That's right, Ma. That's right.
- Oh, no, you won't!

I won't allow anyone to drive
you out of your own house.

Nobody's drivin' me out.
It's just the best way, I'm sure.

Well, if anyone has to go,
it should be Mrs Parker.

And frankly, I'll be
mighty glad to see her go.

Well, now you just listen to me, Tom Kettle!
You can't talk to my mother like that!

- She doesn't mind how she talks to mine, does she?
- Oh, Tom.

Now don't you and Kim
start fussin'.

Besides, Pa likes it
over at the old house.

Uh, don't ya, Pa?

- Sure do.
- Sure. Come on, kids, get packed.

- Tomorrow we're going back
to the old house.

Uh, you'd better go now,
Geoduck.

You can give the presents to the little
white chief some other time.

We're gettin' outta here
in the mornin'.

'Tain't as pretty at the old house,
but it's a lot more comfortable.

I say a home
is what you make it.

- Pa, you got your shoes on in bed.
- Well, they're my good ones.

Well, take 'em off.

Oh, there's no use in me
tryin' to sleep.

Every time I think of that woman chasin'
us out of our own home, my blood boils.

I'm not gonna do it. Pa, go
tell her she's got to move out.

Now, Ma!

Get out of bed
and tell her!

She's not gonna put this over on me.
Put on some clothes.

I'll show her
a thing or two.

Put your pants on!

I'll...

Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
Why should you tell her?

Go back to bed.

She'll think I'm a weak sister
afraid to talk back to her.

She'll think I've got no gumption,
afraid to face her. Wait a minute.

You're head of this house.
You should tell her.

Get out of bed.

If I was to lose my temper,
I don't know what might happen.

Still...

No, I guess...

On the other hand...

Ma, make a decision.

I've made a decision.

We'll both go tell her.

Well!
We didn't have far to go.

No. And I heard
every word you said.

So... you're going to
put me out?

That's right, you snoop.
You're goin' out, one way or another.

That means through
a door or window.

And if you don't go of your own free will,
I'll help you with a push.

This isn't going to help you any
with Kim and the baby, you know.

- Oh, shut up!
- I'd like to see you shut me up.

Huh!
You would, huh?

Huh. Well,
that shut her up.

Quiet down, children.

Ruthie, help Jimmy there,
and begin to get that stuff off, now.

- Sure feels good to be back at the old house, Ma.
- You bet it does, Pa.

- Sometimes I wish I'd
never won that new house.

Me too. Well, I'd better
get in and clean up now.

Better fix this
screen door, Pa.

Yeah, I'm gonna fix that
one of these days.

Hey, get out of here!
Shoo! Shoo! Get outta here!

How peaceful.

Go on! Go!
Get outta here!

Go on! Get outta here!
Shoo! Shoo!

Pa, it ain't healthy for all these chickens
and pigs and that sow to be in the house.

Why, how can you say that, Ma? That sow
ain't been sick a day since we've had 'im.

- Oh, I mean it ain't healthy for us.
- Oh.

And fix that screen door
'fore the flies swarm in!

Yes, sir, I'll have to borrow
some nails and fix it one of these days.

Uh!

Well, I'll have to borrow another
nail and fix that too one of these days.

Pa, you'll have to blast a new well.
This one's about dry.

- I will one of these days.
- You've been sayin' that for the last six months.

I have? Well, that proves
it ain't slipped my mind.

- Pa, you're lazier than that hound dog we used to have.
- Which one?

The one that used to lean
against the wall when she barked.

- Oh, that one.
- Oh, get out of my way!

Go play your radio or somethin'
while I get supper.

- Mornin', Ma.
- Mornin', Pa.

Gosh, feels good
not to have to dress up.

What's happened, Pa?
Out of bed before I had to yell for ya.

I've turned over a new leaf,
Ma. I'm a changed man.

Right after I've had
breakfast...

I'm gonna borrow me a couple
of sticks of dynamite...

get hold of Geoduck
and Crowbar...

and start diggin'
that new well for ya.

- Feelin' all right, Pa?
- Sure, I am.

Now hurry up with that breakfast, woman.
There's work to be done.

Did he say "work"?

- Get the dynamite, Geoduck?
- Got 'em right here.

You know I'm sorry about the way
Mrs Parker treated you fellows yesterday.

Eastern squaw
pretty fresh.

She's from society.
She don't understand us kind of folks.

Claims her ancestors
came over on the Mayflower.

Huh, that nothin'.
Mine here to greet them.

I never thought of that.

Well, where are we gonna
dig that new well?

Why not dig it up
near old well?

That's as good a place as any, I guess.
Get away from there.

Hey, Steve!

- Huh?
- Come over here! Look at this needle!

Oh, boy! Looks like we've struck it.

Julius, give me that.
Ah, visitors.

- Hi. Know who owns this property, Pop?
- Howdy.

Well, I reckon I do,
and the name is Pa.

Okay, Pa. Ever think
of selling this place?

Me and my partner are forming a hunting
club, and this will be an ideal spot.

Oh, wouldn't be any good at all
for a thing like that.

Ain't nothin' on here
but a few chipmunk.

What's on here now doesn't matter.
We'd stock it. How much you want for it?

Well, I don't rightly know.
I'd have to take it up with Ma.

If you'd drop around in a couple of days,
I'll let you know.

- Okay. See you day after tomorrow.
- So long, Pa.

- See ya, Pa.
- So long.

Well-behaved fella.

Well, let's get on
with the well.

Get away from there.

Boys! Boys! Let's rest a while.

No sense in tiring
ourselves out.

Have a rest
and take a smoke.

Go away.

Smoke soon as we fix
dynamite, Pa.

- Gonna be big well, Pa.
- Whew, make it a whopper soon as you have a smoke.

Geoduck, that tobacco
you're smoking smells terrible.

You must've taken
the worst brand Billy Reed had.

Here, take some of mine.

Geoduck!

Ahhh!

Well, it looks like Pa
got his dynamite, all right.

- Aren't you gonna take that thing off, Ma?
- Nope.

If I gotta work like a horse,
I might as well look like one.

Pull! Pull!

Pa!
You all right, Pa?

Yeah, but it was more work
than I expected.

- Mornin' Pa.
- Howdy.

- What in the world have you been doin'?
- Diggin' Ma a new well.

Man, that's pretty tough work
for this kind of weather, ain't it?

Tough work
for any kind of weather.

It's too bad you haven't got
electricity in the old house.

I got the greatest
cooler offer money can buy.

Well, I tell ya, we were gonna put
electricity in.

And then, uh... Oh.

Got a bunch of these real cheap from
a fellow that was going out of business.

You wouldn't think I could
sell that for $3.50, would ya?

Looks like a real
bargain, all right.

Runs on A.C. Or D.C.
Rubber blades, see?

So the kids can't get
their fingers hurt in it.

And another thing...

Sure runs good,
don't it?

Too bad we ain't got electricity
in the old house.

How... How did you do it?
H- How did you do it?

How'd I do what?

M- Make the fan work.

Well, it's supposed to,
ain't it?

Well, sure,
but not without electricity.

- It did run, didn't it?
- Sure it did.

Well, wh-what did you do?

I can't rightly remember.

Suppose it's 'cause I caught a hold
of this thing like this?

There it goes again!

- Pa, you must have a battery on you someplace.
- No, I ain't.

Aw, what do you got in your pocket?

Nothin' but dirt.

Oh, you... You must...

You must be charged
with electricity of some sort.

Unless it's in the fan.
Let... Let's try another one.

Pa, you're a human dynamo.
I'm gonna get you to the hospital...

before you blow a...
blow a fuse or something.

Did you blow the horn?

No.

Hi there!

Pa, Ma told me I'd find you
up here someplace.

Gosh, am I glad
to see you.

Billy, Jonathan Parker.
Jonathan Parker, Billy Reed.

- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you, Mr Parker.

- I was just gonna take Pa here to the hospital.
- Hospital? Why?

Why, he's turned into a human battery.
He's loaded with electricity.

- Aren't ya, Pa?
- Reckon I am.

- Why, you're joking!
- Well, if you think so, come over here.

Over here, Pa.

Now, now,
n- now watch this.

Why, it's...
it's unbelievable!

That ain't nothin'. Wait till you see what
he does to an electric fan.

You wouldn't believe this
if you didn't see it with your own eyes.

Show him, Pa.
Now take ahold of that.

Why, I...
I- I can't believe it!

Here. Now show him what happens
when you take ahold of that.

Good... Good heavens,
it lights up!

Now do you believe me?

Uh, h-how long
has this condition existed?

I never noticed it
till just a few minutes ago.

Did you come in contact with much of the
soil while you were working on the well?

- Sure did. Got buried in it.
- That's it!

- That's what? I'm what?
- You're radioactive.

- What's that?
- Pa's emitting radiation from an atomic nucleus.

In other words, Pa's property is loaded down
with uranium, and he's got some of it on him.

- Is that good or bad?
- Well, what would you say it was...

if you discovered that you were about
to become a very wealthy man?

This here'll
make Pa wealthy?

If there is uranium, and I'll stake
my reputation on it that there is...

the government will give him
a $ 10,000 bonus...

and purchase all the uranium ore
found on Pa's property.

Holy cow!
Did you hear that, Pa?

Sure did.

Hold mine
little tighter, Pa.

If I'd have brought
the ingredients...

- we could have made
some ice cream and cake.

This the way
you spell 'em, Pa?

Mmm... yep.

Pa, this is wonderful!

I'm afraid it's gonna keep me indoors
too much. Whew.

Why don't you take off them coveralls?
You'll feel better.

Good idea, Ma.
Give me a hand, Geoduck.

- Billy, this place always did bring us good luck.
- Good luck?

- Mm-hmm. - I got a big business
deal to talk over with you and Pa.

- You have?
- Yeah, you betcha.

Thanks, Geoduck.

Pa, pick up them coveralls
and put 'em away.

Makes the place look too messy.
And turn on the radio!

Can't. Battery went dead
about an hour ago.

- Must've been a short.
- Pa!

Yes, Ma?

Billy's got a business deal
he wants to talk over with us.

You folks are gonna have a big income from
uranium, and my idea'll save you money.

A penny saved
is a penny earned.

I think you and Ma
should be incorporated.

Pa and me should be
incorporated?

Are you insinuatin'
we ain't married?

Oh, no, no, Ma. I mean,
form a uranium corporation.

That way you'd be entitled to
capital gain on your income tax.

Income tax?
What's that?

Oh, income tax
supports the government.

You mean Pa and me's got to support
all our kids and the government too?

- Everybody that works pays.
- Well, now...

if we gotta work to get the uranium,
that puts a different light on it.

Maybe we'd better
let the uranium stay...

in the ground till
it gets more valuable.

Pa, we'll get somebody
to dig it for us...

and get us a car...
and just travel around.

We'll call it the
Pa and Ma Kettle Corporation.

Billy, it was your fan that
showed us about the uranium;

it was Geoduck and Crowbar
that dug the hole;

so I think you all should be
in the corporation.

Well, Pa, if you feel
that way about it...

We'll draw up an agreement.

Funny thing! I just...
I just happen to have...

an agreement all drawn up
in case you wanted it.

Huh-huh-huh-huh! Well, now ain't that
the funniest thing!

Well, I'll read it to you. It starts out
"Witnesseth... "just like it should start.

"This agreement entered into
this 20th day of July, year of 1950...

"between Pa Kettle,
party of the first part...

"Ma Kettle,
party of the second part...

"and Billy Reed, Geoduck and Crowbar,
parties of the third, fourth and fifth part.

"The aforesaid parties of the
first part and second part...

"agrees to part with part
of their part the to parties...

"of the third part,
fourth part and fifth part.

"It is agreed that all parties
are to do their part...

"to keep the agreement made
between the parties of the first part...

second part, third part,
fourth part and fifth part. "

That's only
the agreement in part.

You got enough parts there to make
an automobile and have some left over.

"Should the first party and second party
become a party to anything not agreeable...

"to the third party,
fourth party and fifth party...

"the first party and second
party shall be liable...

to the third party,
fourth party and fifth party. "

Hold on, Billy.
That's enough.

- I've had too many parties.
- That's just a rough draft.

When you get it smoothed out, we
won't understand it any better.

Now, about the percentage.

I figure 75% to you,
Pa and Ma.

And 25% divided
between the five of us:

Geoduck, Crowbar,
myself, Tom and the baby.

That makes five percent
for each one of us.

Uh-uh-uh, Billy, you're
cheating yourself.

If there's 25% divided
among the five of you...

that's 14% apiece.

Oh, no, listen, Pa. I wouldn't cheat you.
You know I wouldn't.

Now look. Look here.
I'll show you.

Let me rub this out here.
Then... Now.

Twenty-five...

divided by five is five.

You see, the five won't
go into two, will it?

But five goes into 25
five times, you see?

No, you're wrong,
Billy. Now, now...

I'm a pretty good
mathematician.

Now, five into 25...

- Five won't go into two, will it?
- No.

But five goes
into five once.

Now, we didn't
use the two before...

so we'll bring it
down here.

Now five into 20
goes four times.

There you are.
Five into 25... 14.

No. Look, Pa. Now let me prove it
to you by multiplication.

Uh, five times five...

Five times five is 25.

- Billy, I'm surprised at your learnin'.
- Huh?

I'm surprised at your learnin'!
Now I'll show ya.

Five times 14 is 25.

Five times four is 20.
Five times one is five.

Twenty-five.
That's it!

No, no. Look, Ma.
Uh, look.

You're wrong there because...
I- I'll prove it to you.

We'll put down five 14's.
Fourteen, fourteen... There.

Now I'll prove to you
by addition...

that-that five 14's
is not 25.

Four, eight,
12, 16, 20...

Twenty-one,
22, 23, 24, 25.

There you are.
Better brush up, Billy.

I don't want to see
you boys cheated.

- Tom.
- Hello, Ma.

- Hello.
- Hi, Tom.

- Somethin' wrong, son?
- Everything.

Oh. Well, come in
and sit down.

- How's the baby?
- He's in the hospital.

- What's wrong, son?
- He has a measly cold, that's all.

- Then why'd you take him to the hospital?
- Kim and that... mother of hers.

They took him there
while I was down at the plant.

What's the matter with that nurse-woman
with her highfalutin ideas?

- Couldn't she take care of the baby?
- She's in the hospital too.

- Working?
- Collapsed.

Good. But who's gonna take care of him
when he comes home?

He's not comin' home.

What do you mean,
"He's not comin' home"?

As soon as he gets over his cold,
they're taking him back to Boston.

- Who's "they,"son?
- Kim and her mother.

You mean Kim...
Tom!

You can't let her do that.
It'll spoil your whole life.

- What can I do about it?
- What can you do?

For one thing, you can go to the hospital
and take him out of there.

- That's right, Tom.
- You get papoose.

What's come over Kim,
anyhow?

If that's the way she wants it,
that's the way she can have it.

Well, it ain't the way I want it.
And it ain't the way it's gonna be.

Now listen, Tom, we've got to get hold
of that baby.

How can we? The doctors won't
release him until he's over his cold.

- That's the rule.
- Oh, rules or no rules!

You're his father, ain't you?
This is America, Tom.

And there's somethin' in one
of those amendments that says...

no one can take somethin'
that is rightfully yours.

You get ahold of that baby, and I'll bet
Kim'll change her mind about goin' to Boston.

- Ain't that right, Pa?
- Right as rain, Ma.

Uh, well, I guess we'll all be going.
See you tomorrow, Pa.

- Goodnight.
- Come on, boys.

And, uh, don't worry
too much about the kid, Ma.

- I'm sure everything will be all right.
- All right. Sure.

- Goodnight, Geoduck.
- Goodnight.

Phew!

- Well, Pa...
- Will it be all right, Ma...

if I spend a couple
of nights here with you?

Is it that bad
with you and Kim, Tom?

Yeah.

Well, we'll make room for...
Did you have your supper?

- No, but I-I don't feel like...
- Aw, now, come on.

Sit down and talk to your pa
while I get you somethin' to eat.

You know, your ma's
got a point on those amendments.

It says... Uh...

She's got a point.

You know, Ma, if I borrowed
Jim Tullett's ladder...

we could climb into the hospital
and get the baby.

You broke Jim's ladder a year ago,
and he ain't never fixed it.

- He ain't?
- Uh-uh.

Lazy cuss,
ain't he?

Kim's mother would love to catch
you trying to kidnap the baby.

Pa and me'll go down to
the hospital in the morning...

and take a look at the baby,
just the same.

Wonder who that is this hour of the night.

When there's anything you need,
you can always rely on Billy Reed.

- Oh, you mean that...
- Your grandson.

Oh, Billy!

How can I ever thank...
Here, let me take him.

- Billy, how did you do it?
- It wasn't easy.

Didn't the doctors object
to your taking him?

Oh, nobody knew anything about it.
I snuck in the back way and grabbed him.

What's the matter with
Grandma's little man?

I know what's the matter
with Grandma's little man.

- Billy, you shouldn't have done this.
- Why not?

You think I'm gonna stand around
and see your ma eat her heart out?

I appreciate your good intentions,
but you could be arrested.

- Arrested?
- Sure. It's kidnapping.

How can it be kidnapping? I didn't steal
the kid from his folks; I returned it to 'em.

Hey!

- This ain't our baby.
- It ain't?

- It's a girl. -
A girl? - A girl?

- For land's sake.
- Are you sure, Ma?

I ain't blind, am I? You'll have to
take it back before it's missed.

You can't do it now because it... I...

Maybe it's the police.

Hide it, Ma.
Hide it!

No, no, no!
Not there, not there.

No!
No, Ma, don't.

Two of'em?

We hittum jackpot.

- What'd ya get two of'em for?
- Can't tell 'em apart.

You pick one you want.
We take other one back.

Uh, Tom, you've seen your baby more'n
I have. Which one's yours?

Well, it's, it's kinda hard
to tell 'em apart, but I-I...

I think, uh...
I- I think this one's mine.

Um-um. I know.

Give 'em here.

Here we go again.

I, uh... sure appreciate
you fellas doing this for us.

We your friends,
Pa.

Besides,
no like Eastern squaw.

- This fix her good.
- Sure will.

Say! How would you fellas like to get a
year's supply of smokin' tobacco for nothin'.

- Who we gotta scalp?
- Nobody.

You're taking one of
these kids back, ain't ya?

All right. All you gotta do
is take one back for me too.

- Another one?
- Well, ya see...

I grabbed a baby from the hospital too,
but it was the wrong one.

It's... It's a girl.

Haw-haw-haw.

He grabem squaw
instead of brave.

Haw-haw-haw.

When you get through laughin',
I got news for you.

Both of these
are girls too.

Both squaw?

I told you
checkum good.

Now we gotta
take both back.

Where other one?

She's up there
in the clothes hamper.

We still getum tobacco?

- Positively.
- Honest Injun?

Honest In...

It's the sheriff!

Good evening, Ma.
Howdy, Pa. Hi, boys.

- Hello, Sheriff.
- Hello, Sheriff.

What brings you out
this time of night?

Seems as though three kids
have been stolen from the hospital.

- You don't say.
- Seen any strangers around here?

No, I ain't. You got any idea
who stole 'em?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

But they won't get away. I got
roadblocks set up all over the county.

That's good.
Hope you catch 'em.

We will.

I got an idea those kids
aren't so very far away.

Goodnight. Sorry
to have bothered you.

Goodnight, Sheriff.

That sounds like a kid
somewhere.

- Must be one of mine. I'll go take a look.
- Mind if I go along?

Oh, no, no.

- Sheriff.
- Yeah?

That's coming
from outside.

Let's have a look.

Come here, Sheriff.

- How long you think they been in here?
- Who knows?

I hope you won't mention this
to anyone, folks.

With the election coming up, the voters
in the county might think that I'm, uh...

It would make me seem sort of foolish
and, and... You understand, don't ya?

- Of course.
- Of course we understand. We all make mistakes sometimes.

- Well, thanks. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Haw-haw.

- Ha-ha.
- Shut up.

Whoa!

Glad we went to the hospital
to see the baby, Pa.

Me too, Ma. Doesn't seem
to be much wrong with him.

Aw, ain't nothin' wrong
that a little care and love wouldn't fix.

If they just let us
bring him home, I'm sure...

Well! Somethin' new's
been added.

- What's goin' on here?
- Can't you read?

Yes, I can read.
And I don't like it.

You don't live here
any more.

Don't... We been livin' here
for 25 years.

And for 25 years,
you didn't pay your taxes.

We did. And now
the property is ours.

Land sakes. If it ain't
one thing it's another.

Just a second. How much back taxes
were owing on this property?

$275.

You got this entire piece
of property for $275?

What do you intend
to do with it?

What's it to you?

They told me they were
gonna start a hunting club.

Hunting club?

- Then you met them before?
- Right over there. Couple of days ago.

Oh! Uh, gentlemen.
Gentlemen.

I know that you want to be fair
about this whole matter...

and you wouldn't want to see these folks
lose their property, their life savings...

all on account of
a little misunderstanding.

So suppose you sell it back to me at a figure
that will compensate you for your trouble.

What would you call
"compensating us for our troubles"?

Five-hundred dollars.

Uh... $ 750.

Oh, Jonathan.

Well, Stu, it seems that I put you
to a lot of trouble for nothing.

Pa doesn't own the place any more. These
gentlemen bought it for the back taxes.

So... go ahead and break the news
of your findings to us gently.

There's nothing on it.

There's nothing
on the property at all?

- Not one ounce of anything.
- Why don't you stop?

You planted this guy so we'd believe
his story and sell to you cheap.

We know differently,
don't we?

This place is loaded with uranium,
and this guy's a phoney.

Uh, gentlemen,
just a moment, just a moment.

When you call Stuart Ludlow a phoney,
you're leaving yourselves wide open.

- This... is Stuart Ludlow?
- Yes.

- Who used to be with the Atomic Energy Commission?
- That's right.

But... But we looked over this property
a couple of days ago.

- Our Geiger counter reacted as if it was...
- I'll stake my reputation on it.

There isn't an ounce of uranium ore
within 20 miles of here.

Do you still want it
for 750?

Five-hundred.
Two-fifty?

No, gentlemen. If we
gave you one red cent for it...

we'd be admitting that you own
the property legally, which you don't.

- I don't get it.
- Then I'll explain.

To obtain legal ownership of property
that's up for sale due to delinquent taxes...

the owner must be notified
by registered mail three days in advance.

Eh, did you receive
a final notice in the mail?

Been gettin' notices
for 15 years, but no final one.

Yes. Then the ownership is
not legal. And not only that...

you're guilty of malfeasance, misappropriation
of public funds, embezzlement and perjury.

And on top of that,
you broke the law too.

Well, if it's not legal,
we don't want any part of it.

Here. Here's the deed.
You can have it for free.

- Thanks.
- Oh, no, no. You don't get off that easy.

Don't you know there's such a thing
as defamation of character?

My client here could sue you
for everything you've got.

He's getting his back taxes paid up.
What more does he want?

He's entitled to an additional
cash settlement of some kind.

- How much?
- Well, uh... Would four dollars be askin' too much?

Four dollars?
Well, here.

Here's ten.
And here's your deed.

Let's get outta here
before they change their minds.

Oh, you shouldn't have been so anxious, Pa.
I could've got you a lot more.

Oh, I did all right, if you ask me.

- But say, I didn't know you were a lawyer.
- I'm not.

But it worked, didn't it? And thanks,
Stu, for that swell act you put on.

If it hadn't been for you, we never
would've gotten the property back.

- What act?
- About not having any uranium on the property.

There isn't.

- You're joking!
- I wish I were.

But as I said before, there isn't an ounce
of uranium within miles of here.

Well, here we go again.
Back where we started from.

Wait a minute, Ma.
How can you say that?

We got our property back,
the back taxes paid and ten dollars to boot!

I think this calls for a little celebration.

I got some hard cider
hidden in the house.

And, uh... let's go in
and celebrate. Sample some.

- Good idea.
- I think I'd better get back to town and clean up.

I'll see you
before I leave tonight.

- I'm sorry I brought you out here for nothing, Stu.
- That's all right.

I'm sorry I couldn't give you
a more favourable report.

Oh, uh, here.
You fool around with it.

You might have better luck
with it than I did. See you later.

Yes.
So long, Stu.

I can't understand it, Pa. You were
certainly radioactive a couple of days ago.

This oughta teach you a lesson.
If you'd stick to what you know...

like fixin' the well, repairin' the
chicken coop, you'd be a lot better off.

Never did take any stock
in them atoms anyhow.

Listen! Listen to this!

Look! Look, look,
look at the needle!

- What's that mean?
- There's uranium around here somewhere.

Never took much stock
in 'em, eh, Ma?

Inside the house!

It's in here.

Must be
in the bedroom.

Ah.

Why, it must be
in those coveralls!

Oh, yes. Yes,
it's in these, all right.

- Well... where'd you get those coveralls, Pa?
- His nephew give 'em to him.

- Where'd he get 'em?
- The Navy give 'em to him.

When he was in the Navy was he connected
to that atomic bomb test in the Pacific?

- Yes, indeed. He was right there. Saw everything.
- Said it was quite a blowout.

Well, that solves everything.
Those coveralls are radioactive.

- You mean to say the only uranium I got is in those things?
- I'm afraid so.

- Ma! Ma, listen to this.
- Yes?

Kim and her mother are leavin' for Boston on
the 12:15. They've already left the hospital.

- What about the baby?
- They're takin' him with them!

We gotta stop 'em!
Pa, go get your team out.

We'd never make it by team. Before
we got to the depot, they'd be in Boston.

We'd better hurry.
It's 11:30 now.

- I got it. I'll borrow Jim Tullett's car.
- Let's get goin'.

That woman's not gonna
put this over on me. I'll fix her.

Put that down, Ma. You can't use that.
You might hit the baby.

- Besides, your licence has expired.
- Oh.

Pa, I didn't know
you could drive.

Neither did I till a while ago.

- Come on, dear.
- Mother, are you sure I'm doing the right thing?

Kim, you've asked me that
at least a dozen times.

Of course you're doing the right thing.
Now, come on, dear.

Look out, Pa!

- Pa, you've missed it.
- I'll catch it at Sweetwater Junction.

- Do you think you can?
- Nothin' to it.

Well, hurry up.

This ain't the way to Sweetwater!

- What's the matter with you?
- Know a short cut.

Look out!

Oh, no. Watch out. Watch out, Pa!

Look out for that clothesline, Pa!

Come on, Pa!
Don't be crazy!

Hey! Get that thing
outta there!

You certainly picked a swell place
to stall your car, Pop.

She didn't stall. Stopped her on purpose.
Go ahead, Ma. Get the kid.

- Okay, Pa.
- Now you'll have to get this thing outta here.

I said you'll have to
get this thing outta here!

Oh, keep your hand off
other people's property. Thunder.

- What's the trouble here?
- Look out. Take your hands off my car.

Let's give him a shove.
Release the brakes, old-timer.

Not till Ma gets back
with what she's gone to get. Thunder.

- Listen, you can't hold up this train.
- I can't? I know, but I'm doin' it.

- We've got a schedule to make.
- You have?

- What time is it?
- Half past...

The two ladies that got on at Cape Flattery
are right in here.

- Now, look, Kim, I'm not...
- The very idea!

- It was for you they stopped the train. You knew very well...
- Aw, dry up!

Jonathan! You've never spoken to me
like this before. How dare you speak to me...

- Grab the baby, Tom.
- You put that child down.

Sit down.
Mind your own business.

- Tom Kettle, that's my baby and I demand you give it right back.
- You too.

Aw, go to Boston
with your old lady.

Jonathan! Are you going to stand by
and allow this to happen to your grandson?

Not only am I going to allow it,
I'm in favour of it.

Go back to Boston. Take this spoilt brat
of a daughter of yours with you.

- I'm staying here!
- You've never spoken to me like this before.

And for that I ought to have my head
examined. I like this kind of people.

And what's more, I'm not coming home
till I get good and ready. Come on, Ma.

Tom! Tom,
please don't go.

I don't want to go to Boston with Mother.
I want to stay with you and the baby.

Please forgive me, Tom.

If I do, will you behave
yourself in the future?

All right.
I forgive you.

For goodness sake,
kiss her and get it over with!

Hurry up, will ya? Pa can't keep
this train waitin' forever.

Goodbye.

- Look, Pop...
- Now, let's get this straight. The name is Pa.

Okay, but I'm givin' you 15 more seconds
to get this thing off the tracks.

If it's not off by then, we're gonna shove
you off. Get in your cab, Jerry.

Two, three...

four, five...

six, seven...

eight, nine...

Don't need to count
any further. Here they come.

Where's Ma?

She was right behind us.
She'll be here in a minute.

Oh, I've been so horrible,
trying to run everything.

How can you
ever forgive me?

Oh, stop puddlin' up, honey.
You'll have me doin' it.

Oh, Mrs Kettle,
you're so understanding.

- Ma's the name.
- And you can call me Lizzie.

Okay, Liz. Let's go!

Ma! Ma!

- What's the matter?
- Pa, your battery's dead.

That Jim Tullett.
He never fixes anything.

Come on, Jonathan.
We'll give 'im a push.

Stop that. Stop it.
There's a law against this.

There's a law
against kidnappin' too.

- Kidnapping?
- Yes, kidnappin'.

- I ain't got a ticket, and you're taking me against my will.
- Aw, now, lady...

I've heard there's a law about taking
a woman across a state line too.

So you better let us off
right here and now.

Yes, ma'am.

Thank you.
Come on, Liz.

Do you think we can get a taxi, Ma?

Well, now, Liz, there's about
the only taxi we'll find out this way.

Come on.

You know how to work
one of these things, Ma?

Why, sure. Just like washin' clothes.
Hop aboard.

You know, Ma, this will be the first time
you and I have ever pulled together.

Well, let's keep on pullin' together.
Start pumpin'.

This oughta
trim down our figures.

You know, Ma, I bet you once
had an hourglass figure.

Yeah, but the sands
sure shifted.

Ma, look!
Look!

Why don't ya watch
where you're goin'?

Well, here we go again,
Liz.

Start pumpin'.

Hey! Can you
give us a push?

We're gettin'
close to home, Liz.

Tunnel 28's
right ahead of us.

- I hope that wire you sent will stop the train.
- They'll stop, all right.

By this time, Ma and Elizabeth probably
have the whole train in an uproar.

It's too bad the two of'em
can't get along.

- Ma!
- Elizabeth!

It's about time
you're gettin' here.

Sit down, folks. Liz is fixin' us
some coddled eggs.

Come and get it!