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[theme song]
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ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show", starring Dick Van Dyke,
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Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry
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Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore.
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Oh, Rob, we'll never find it.
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We gotta find it.
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Well, do we have to find it tonight?
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I got a date.
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Do you wanna tell Alan Brady we lost this week's script?
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Rob, it's almost 6 o'clock.
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And they pick up all his junk at 7 o'clock.
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It's gotta be here someplace.
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Herman Glimscher will forgive if you're a few minutes late.
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That's fine, except I'm going out to Douglas Bedlork.
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How's that, a new fella?
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Yeah, brand new.
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I don't think he's ever been used before.
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You know something?
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Those second hand guys that look like new can't be trusted.
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Ho, ho ho, make jokes.
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It's your fault we're down here, you know.
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Well, go ahead, blame me for being neat.
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I suppose I was wrong to try and tidy up the office.
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No, but you were wrong to throw out this week's script.
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Well, I didn't do it on purpose.
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ROB PETRIE: Look, arguing will not help find it.
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No, but it makes looking a lot easier.
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Come on, the janitor said that all the Alan Brady stuff
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was in the back barrel here.
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Hey, look it is.
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Maybe if I keep looking, I'll find
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the rest of the girl in here.
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Oh, boy, here's all of stuff that Buddy throw out.
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Most of these things back here are memos from Alan.
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This one just says, shut up.
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[chuckles]
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It's probably from Mel.
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Here's one.
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Well, this from the network to Alan.
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It says increased production cost--
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Well, what's it say?
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Oh, no-- not a thing.
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Well, then, how come you've got nothing in your pocket?
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Oh, um, I just had a big paper clip on here and I was--
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I like saving them.
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Oh.
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Hey, hallelujah.
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Hey, either she found the script or she got religious.
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Both.
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I prayed for it, and I found it.
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Hey, look at that, she got the script.
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Yeah, well, great, great.
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Great?
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Don't be so enthused.
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You all right, Rob?
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Yeah, why, it's probably just the heat from this furnace.
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It's-- - Oh.
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And the script is not good anyway.
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[chuckles]
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Look, why don't you guys go on home?
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I wanna clean up a little bit out here.
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Then I'll, you know, rewrite all this a little bit.
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Don't you touch one word to that script.
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It's perfect.
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Listen, if Douglas Bedlork calls,
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will you tell him not to move off the corner
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and I'll pick them up in 10 minutes.
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- OK. - Goodnight.
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Goodnight, Rob.
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See you tomorrow.
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Hey, there was a script on the way upstairs.
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Don't worry, I won't.
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lose it-- it maybe our last group together.
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I just can't believe it, Rob.
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They're actually going to fire Buddy or Sally?
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It's right here in a memo.
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You can read it for yourself in black and white and purple.
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There's grape jelly stains all over it,
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but read it between the stains.
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"Network memo to Alan Brady.
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Increased production costs, necessitate budget cuts.
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You are hereby instructed to cut back writing stuff."
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ROB PETRIE: That's staff.
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Oh, well, I couldn't see from the grape jelly.
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You see, cutting back writing staff by one member.
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Every time they have trouble with a budget, that
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go straight for the writers.
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Why didn't you discuss this with Buddy or Sally
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when you found it?
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Oh, no, honey, I was too shocked.
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God, you know I've been with those two
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almost as long as I've been with you.
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Like in a divorce.
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Then maybe you can talk Alan out.
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Honey, that memo is from the network.
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There are Alan's boss, like I was Buddy and Sally's boss.
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Boy, that Alan.
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I bet he'll make you do the firing.
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He will.
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I almost rather quit myself then fire those two.
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Of course, they'd get a job at a minute.
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Oh, of course they can.
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Well, not in the middle of the season, they can't.
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LAURA PETRIE: Hey, rob.
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Doggonit, we were such a good team.
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If you had to do it, which one would you--
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ROB PETRIE: Fire.
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The word is fire.
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You can't even say it, how can I do it?
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Well, if you could say it, which one would you say to?
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I don't know.
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If I was forced to make a choice,
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well, let's look at what they have to offer individually.
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Buddy is very good with the big jokes.
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Sally's good with visual comedy.
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But Sally's the only one who can type with all our fingers.
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Buddy's got a great joke file, of course.
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Yeah, and you've always said that Sally's always on time.
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Yeah.
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So that's one for her.
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Honey, don't start with new fingers, we're using mine.
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Well, I mixed up-- erase.
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You know what I think we ought to do?
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I think you ought to call them right now.
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Maybe the three of you can figure something out.
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Call them night?
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Alan will probably make you do it tomorrow morning.
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Yeah, that's right.
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It's important enough to get them over here for.
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A man's got to face up to certain responsibilities,
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I guess.
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So does his wife, bake some brownies.
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LAURA PETRIE: Why?
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Honey, when they hear news like that,
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they're gonna want a good stiff drink.
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Rob, Buddy and Sally don't drink.
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I know, so you better have some brownies to offer them.
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[doorbell rings]
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Hi, Buddy. - Oh, hi, Rob.
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I'm sorry to get you out this time of night.
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Was Pickle's mad? - Nah.
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Her mother was coming over.
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And it's easier for them to louse me up if I'm not there.
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Where's Sally?
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She's helping Doug park the car.
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Oh, she couldn't shake Doug, huh?
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She didn't want to shake Doug.
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That guy is a great audience for her.
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He laughs at everything she says.
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Oy.
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Hey, what was the big secret on the phone
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you couldn't tell me about?
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Well, it's not exactly a big secret, Buddy.
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I'd like to wait until Sally comes.
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Hi, Buddy.
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Oh, hello.
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How are you?
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I think I'm sick.
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Hey, you kissed me like you were taking my temperature.
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Oh, well--
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No, you look great.
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Sit down, have a-- have a brownie.
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Have as many as you want.
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All right, I'll take four of them.
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[doorbell rings]
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Hello.
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Hi.
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I'm Douglas Bedlork, Sally's date.
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[chuckles] - That's good.
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- Hi, Rob. - Oh, hi, Sally.
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Hi, Sally.
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I didn't know you were bringing someone.
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I didn't, I brought Doug.
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I didn't-- I didn't spoil your evening, did I?
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Oh, no.
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Nothing can spoil Doug's evening.
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No, no.
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I just love show people.
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My uncle's was Lou Pitlork.
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Oh.
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He used to play spoons at Proctors in Jersey.
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Oh, yeah.
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You know him?
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No, but I know a lot of spoons.
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DOUG BEDLORK: [laughs]
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Ah, Rob, why are we here?
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ROB PETRIE: Oh, I'll tell you in a minute.
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Sal-- let's all sit down here first.
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Sally, have a brownie.
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OK.
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Have as many as you want.
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OK, I'll take one.
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Hey, you got three coming.
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Oh, I'm sorry, sorry.
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That's all right, Rob.
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I always like my brownies well done.
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[laughs] Oh, this is a riot.
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Won't you have a seat?
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Oh, no, thanks.
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I sat all the way up here.
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Yeah, I wouldn't let him stand up in the car.
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DOUG BEDLORK: [laughs] OK, Rob.
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What are we doing here tonight.
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I'm afraid what I have to say isn't very--
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Sally, Buddy, I'm just going to come as a surprise
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to both of you, I know.
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You remember-- you're-- well, you might as well
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just read it for yourself.
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There it is, read it.
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It's a little sticky, but read it.
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[laughs]
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This guy is some laughter.
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I might take you out myself sometime.
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DOUG BEDLORK: [continues laughing]
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Douglas sit, stay.
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Douglas, would-- would you like a brownie?
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[laughs]
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Hey, Rob, where'd you get this?
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ROB PETRIE: Well, I follow it at basement tonight,
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but I didn't tell you because I was--
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SALLY ROGERS: Chicken.
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Yeah, chicken.
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[chuckles] Read it.
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Well, if you must know, it says that one of us
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is gonna get the x.
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So I can't fire either one of you guys.
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I don't know what to do.
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SALLY ROGERS: Well, this memo was dated three days ago
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and Alan hasn't said anything yet.
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He will.
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He can't ignore the network.
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Yeah, he's more afraid of the network than Mel's of him.
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Yeah, he's probably waiting for just the right moment
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to tell us that were fired.
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Yeah, like Christmas.
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[laughs] That's funny.
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[whistles]
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[coughing]
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Hey, Buddy, Sally, you know, don't you,
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that Rob loves you both.
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There's just no way he can make a decision like this.
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Yeah, I guess it's very rough.
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Yeah.
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Hey, wait a minute.
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Why are we feeling sorry for him?
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He got his job.
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Well, I'm not looking for sympathy,
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I'm looking for an answer.
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Well, how about, eeny, meeny, miny--
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Well, that's no way to decide.
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Yeah, I guess you're right.
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My way would wind up with firing Laura.
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[chuckles]
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Well, come on.
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Where we going?
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Back to town.
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Wait a minute, Sal.
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We don't decide anything.
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Rob, it's not your problem.
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It's up to Buddy and me to decide between ourselves
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who should resign.
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It's my responsibility.
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Oh, no, Sally is right.
264
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,526
If you fire either one of us, we'll both hate you.
265
00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,294
Ah, could-- could--
266
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:49,862
could I make a suggestion?
267
00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:51,130
Well, yeah.
268
00:08:51,230 --> 00:08:54,233
Well, when I'm faced with a problem like this, well,
269
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:57,336
I take out this piece of paper that I keep in my wallet
270
00:08:57,436 --> 00:08:59,005
and-- and it always helps me.
271
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,973
What are you gonna do, read your driver's license?
272
00:09:01,073 --> 00:09:04,610
[laughs]
273
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:08,948
"If you strike a thorn on a rose, keep it going.
274
00:09:09,048 --> 00:09:13,486
If it hails or if it snows, keep it going.
275
00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:17,690
Ain't no use to sit and whine when a fishing on your line.
276
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:20,626
Bait your hook and keep it trying, keep it going."
277
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,895
Yeah, keep it going, Douglas.
278
00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:26,332
"When the winter kills your crop--"
279
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:27,733
I made my decision, I mean it.
280
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:29,902
I couldn't fire either one of you guys, I couldn't.
281
00:09:30,002 --> 00:09:32,438
If anybody leaves here, I wanna quit with you.
282
00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:33,973
Hey, do you mean that?
283
00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,242
Yeah, we're a writing team, and we're gonna stay a team
284
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,110
even if it isn't on this show.
285
00:09:38,210 --> 00:09:40,513
You mean to say that you'd give up your job for us?
286
00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:41,514
Yeah.
287
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:42,748
Compared to you, I'm a rat.
288
00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:45,851
Compared to a rat, you're a rat.
289
00:09:45,952 --> 00:09:48,187
Honestly, I don't think Alan can afford
290
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:49,522
to lose this whole staff.
291
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:50,690
If we just make a united stand, the three of us,
292
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:52,091
he can't afford to let us go.
293
00:09:52,191 --> 00:09:52,792
Hey, you're right.
294
00:09:52,892 --> 00:09:53,926
How about a gang?
295
00:09:54,026 --> 00:09:54,760
All right.
296
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,762
All for one and two for five.
297
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:02,134
Wait, it's almost noon.
298
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:03,669
Don't you think we ought to be hearing something from Alan?
299
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:05,204
Well, I sure hope we hear something.
300
00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:06,472
I hate this suspense.
301
00:10:06,572 --> 00:10:07,673
I hate this whole thing.
302
00:10:07,773 --> 00:10:10,743
I hate that whole thing.
303
00:10:10,843 --> 00:10:12,178
Rob, Alan asked me to--
304
00:10:14,613 --> 00:10:16,182
why are you all standing like that?
305
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,317
We're trying out for a toboggan team.
306
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,290
Mel, I know that Alan wants to see me in the office,
307
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:26,025
but we're all three going up there together.
308
00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,094
No, no, Alan's in Pittsburgh, he'll be back tomorrow.
309
00:10:28,194 --> 00:10:30,496
And he wants that laundry room sketch done by then.
310
00:10:30,596 --> 00:10:31,697
Is that all he said?
311
00:10:31,797 --> 00:10:33,032
You didn't leave anything out, Mel?
312
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:34,700
- What do you mean? - No, he's not lying.
313
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:38,037
When he lies, his whole head gets pink.
314
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,638
Is there some sort of a problem?
315
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:41,073
No, no, nothing.
316
00:10:41,173 --> 00:10:43,275
Well, is there anything I can do in Alan's absence?
317
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,310
Yeah, join him.
318
00:10:54,253 --> 00:10:56,389
Boy, I've never see Mel that mad.
319
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,758
He broke your pencil.
320
00:10:58,858 --> 00:10:59,658
You know what that means?
321
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:00,693
What?
322
00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:02,028
I'm gonna have to use my pen.
323
00:11:02,128 --> 00:11:04,030
Oh.
324
00:11:04,130 --> 00:11:05,765
What are we making jokes for anyway?
325
00:11:05,865 --> 00:11:07,266
It isn't fair.
326
00:11:07,366 --> 00:11:09,135
Here we're all set to tell Alan off and he's not here.
327
00:11:09,235 --> 00:11:11,937
We can't just walk up to an empty desk and say, we quit.
328
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,639
No, maybe we should tell Mel.
329
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:16,642
That's the same as talking to an empty desk.
330
00:11:16,742 --> 00:11:19,512
What do you think, Rob?
331
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:20,546
Wait a minute.
332
00:11:20,646 --> 00:11:21,881
What kind of a leader are you?
333
00:11:21,981 --> 00:11:24,350
The weak silent type.
334
00:11:24,450 --> 00:11:26,652
I just can't figure out why Alan's waiting so long to tell
335
00:11:26,752 --> 00:11:28,187
me that I got to fire somebody.
336
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:30,056
All I know is if we're going to be fired, we
337
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:31,791
better line up something else.
338
00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:33,392
SALLY ROGERS: Right.
339
00:11:33,492 --> 00:11:35,194
ROB PETRIE: Well, it wouldn't hurt to do some looking around.
340
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:36,695
SALLY ROGERS: Yeah. ROB PETRIE: The only--
341
00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:37,763
I wish it wasn't the middle of the season.
342
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,231
Nobody's looking for writers now.
343
00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:40,533
Hey, Jelly Bean is.
344
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:41,867
- Who? - Jelly Bean.
345
00:11:41,967 --> 00:11:43,202
Did you see this article?
346
00:11:43,302 --> 00:11:45,838
Ventriloquist, Claude Wilbur and Jelly Bean
347
00:11:45,938 --> 00:11:49,041
are going on mid-season to replace Disco Go-go.
348
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,177
Jelly Beans is that that little snail puppet?
349
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:52,812
Wait a minute, he's not so little.
350
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:55,147
Did five big hit shows on "Ed Sullivan",
351
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:56,715
they're giving him his own program,
352
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:59,452
mid-season with a big budget.
353
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:00,786
Well, sure we're talking to him.
354
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,154
I gonna call my agent.
355
00:12:02,254 --> 00:12:04,657
Oh, Rob.
356
00:12:04,757 --> 00:12:07,159
Marge, give me George Shapiro, please.
357
00:12:07,259 --> 00:12:08,260
Thank you.
358
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,596
Rob, look, I ain't writing for no animals.
359
00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:12,598
I'm a writer, not a veterinarian.
360
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:14,066
But this is a step up.
361
00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:19,338
You're going from Alan the worm to Claude the snail.
362
00:12:19,438 --> 00:12:20,639
Rob, Rob, come right in.
363
00:12:20,739 --> 00:12:21,607
Come right in.
364
00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:22,775
It's so nice to meet you.
365
00:12:22,875 --> 00:12:23,809
Well, nice to meet you Mr. Wilbur.
366
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:24,777
Oh, call me Claude.
367
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,011
Oh, Claude, OK.
368
00:12:26,112 --> 00:12:28,347
Ah, you know, Rob, I'm a very big fan
369
00:12:28,447 --> 00:12:30,616
of the "Alan Brady Show" and that makes
370
00:12:30,716 --> 00:12:31,817
me a very big fan of yours.
371
00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:33,352
Oh, thank you very much.
372
00:12:33,452 --> 00:12:35,121
Incidentally, congratulations on getting your own show.
373
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:39,925
Oh, it's, ah-- yes, it's a big step for Jelly Bean.
374
00:12:40,025 --> 00:12:41,660
He needs talented men like you.
375
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,630
Oh, and incidentally, I'm also representing my staff, ah,
376
00:12:44,730 --> 00:12:45,731
Buddy Sorrell and Sally Rogers.
377
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,166
Oh, yes, of course.
378
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:49,201
Well, ah, I guess you might as well meet him now.
379
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:51,270
He gets a little feisty when he's left out of things.
380
00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:52,171
Who?
381
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:52,938
The Jelly Bean.
382
00:12:53,038 --> 00:12:54,173
Come over here, Rob.
383
00:12:54,273 --> 00:12:55,641
I want you to say hello to Jelly Bean.
384
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,776
Oh, Jelly Bean.
385
00:12:57,877 --> 00:12:59,545
Jelly Bean?
386
00:12:59,645 --> 00:13:01,046
Jelly Bean?
387
00:13:01,147 --> 00:13:04,850
Ah, Rob, would you call Jelly Bean, please?
388
00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:08,454
He's not talking to me.
389
00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:10,890
[clears throat] Call him?
390
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:12,458
Yes, yes, just call him.
391
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:15,628
Hello, Jelly Bean.
392
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:16,629
Ah, I don't--
393
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:17,596
I don't think he heard you.
394
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:18,430
Would you call him again?
395
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,232
Ah, Jelly Bean?
396
00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:21,033
Yeah.
397
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,569
[chuckles] Hi, Jelly Bean.
398
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:24,737
Yeah, he's cute.
399
00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:27,506
Ah, Jelly Bean, this is Mr. Petrie.
400
00:13:27,606 --> 00:13:29,041
Mhm.
401
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:32,845
Mr. Petrie, I am not talking to him until he apologizes.
402
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:34,046
ROB PETRIE: Oh?
403
00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:35,648
He's the one who should apologize.
404
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:37,082
Oh, why don't you apologize to him.
405
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:38,117
Why don't you butt out?
406
00:13:38,217 --> 00:13:40,519
[laughs] This could be funny.
407
00:13:40,619 --> 00:13:41,754
Not with him around.
408
00:13:41,854 --> 00:13:43,022
Ah, Jelly Bean, please.
409
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:44,857
Mr. Petrie is here for a visit.
410
00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:46,592
He's here for the job.
411
00:13:46,692 --> 00:13:47,726
Yes.
412
00:13:47,826 --> 00:13:49,195
Well, let's get down to business.
413
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:52,031
Mr. Petrie, how long have you been with Alan Brady?
414
00:13:52,131 --> 00:13:53,899
I've been with him about seven years.
415
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:55,968
Well, actually, I started out as a disk jockey in--
416
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,470
Don't talk to him, I'm asking the questions.
417
00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,005
[chuckles]
418
00:14:00,105 --> 00:14:01,707
Talk to him, please.
419
00:14:01,807 --> 00:14:02,608
Talk to me!
420
00:14:02,708 --> 00:14:04,076
What?
421
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:05,344
Mr. Wilbur, I feel kind of funny talking to a snail.
422
00:14:05,444 --> 00:14:08,013
Ah, would you prefer talking to a jerk?
423
00:14:08,113 --> 00:14:10,115
I have to take you in hand for that Jelly Bean.
424
00:14:10,216 --> 00:14:11,750
In hand, that's very funny.
425
00:14:11,850 --> 00:14:13,152
[laughs]
426
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,487
I'll decide what's funny.
427
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:16,789
Ow!
428
00:14:16,889 --> 00:14:18,357
CLAUDE WILBUR: Jelly Bean!
429
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:20,226
Ah, eh, did that hurt?
430
00:14:20,326 --> 00:14:21,026
No, not really.
431
00:14:21,126 --> 00:14:22,461
Well, then, how is it here?
432
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:23,796
Ow!
433
00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:24,763
Jelly Bean, please.
434
00:14:24,863 --> 00:14:26,198
So now to continue.
435
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:28,601
Do you had a resume with you?
436
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:31,237
Oh, yes, I do.
437
00:14:31,337 --> 00:14:32,638
Ah, thank you.
438
00:14:32,738 --> 00:14:33,772
Do you have another copy?
439
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:35,274
Oh.
440
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,577
[laughs] You-- you got me believing him all of sudden.
441
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:39,678
Give it to him.
442
00:14:39,778 --> 00:14:40,813
Huh?
443
00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:41,880
The copy.
444
00:14:41,981 --> 00:14:43,649
Yes, ah.
445
00:14:43,749 --> 00:14:45,751
Thank you.
446
00:14:45,851 --> 00:14:47,419
I'll eat it later.
447
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:49,221
I guess you, ah-- you want me to kind
448
00:14:49,321 --> 00:14:51,490
of think of him as being a human being so I can write for him.
449
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:52,825
Is that it?
450
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,126
Oh, do you think you can do my sort of stuff?
451
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:55,661
ROB PETRIE: Yeah, I'm sure we can.
452
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:57,162
Well, they're not definitely off the "Brady Show" yet.
453
00:14:57,263 --> 00:14:58,497
ROB PETRIE: Oh, that's right, yeah.
454
00:14:58,597 --> 00:14:59,431
Yes, I know.
455
00:14:59,531 --> 00:15:00,532
His agent tells me so.
456
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:01,767
CLAUDE WILBUR: Oh, I see what--
457
00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:02,968
JELLY BEAN: Have you ever seen me work?
458
00:15:03,068 --> 00:15:04,436
Oh, yes, my son just loves you.
459
00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:06,972
Oh, yes, we owe a great deal to children.
460
00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:08,207
Oh, cut the source.
461
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:10,376
You hate kids worst than I do.
462
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,845
That is not true Jelly Bean and you--
463
00:15:12,945 --> 00:15:14,013
Are you calling me a liar?
464
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:15,147
Well, I never said--
465
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,282
He's calling me a liar.
466
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:18,017
Did you hear him call me a liar?
467
00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:19,418
Oh, not actually.
468
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:20,352
Who asked you?
469
00:15:20,452 --> 00:15:21,086
Well, you did.
470
00:15:21,186 --> 00:15:22,521
I mean, he did. - Ow!
471
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:23,756
Stop, Jelly Bean!
472
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,424
Jelly Bean, wait.
473
00:15:25,524 --> 00:15:26,125
Jelly Bean.
474
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:27,660
He keeps hitting me.
475
00:15:31,463 --> 00:15:32,564
Jelly Bean.
476
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,067
Ah, Mr. Petrie, I must tell you that we have two
477
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,002
other characters in our show.
478
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:39,038
There's Deauville the crow and Irving the mouse.
479
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,339
ROB PETRIE: Oh, they're wonderful.
480
00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,808
Oh, they stink.
481
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,410
I am the main character.
482
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:48,213
I do the, ah, sophisticated comedy, not that puppet
483
00:15:48,314 --> 00:15:51,417
material like punch and, ah--
484
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:52,351
ah--
485
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:53,185
Judy.
486
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:54,753
Don't you think I know that.
487
00:15:57,356 --> 00:15:58,223
He better not hit me again.
488
00:15:58,324 --> 00:15:59,658
I'm not kidding you now.
489
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:03,062
But he's-- need to understand, he's merely trying
490
00:16:03,162 --> 00:16:04,930
to show you how real he is.
491
00:16:05,030 --> 00:16:07,399
Well, I'm real too and my head's start to hurt.
492
00:16:07,499 --> 00:16:10,636
Well, ah, Mr. Petrie, now one very important thing.
493
00:16:10,736 --> 00:16:13,472
On this new hour format, I would like very much
494
00:16:13,572 --> 00:16:17,376
to do some topical material and also some controversial things.
495
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:18,944
[chuckles] Do you think the world is ready
496
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:20,446
for a controversial snail?
497
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,618
The world is ready for anything that's done well.
498
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,054
That's why I was so delighted by the prospect of meeting you.
499
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,456
Well, thank you. That's very nice.
500
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,224
Ah, naturally, we're prepared to offer more
501
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,359
than Alan Brady was paying.
502
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:34,993
Ooh, that's sounds pretty good.
503
00:16:35,094 --> 00:16:37,963
Hey, what would you say to 10% as an increase?
504
00:16:38,063 --> 00:16:39,264
Wow.
505
00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:41,367
You could have gotten him for five, dummy.
506
00:16:41,467 --> 00:16:43,402
Well, I'm just absolutely delighted.
507
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,804
I can hardly wait to work with you and your staff.
508
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:47,639
And I hope you took no offense at anything that Jelly
509
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,675
Bean might have said. That's the way he is.
510
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:50,709
No, I understand.
511
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,177
Well, what do you think, Rob?
512
00:16:52,277 --> 00:16:53,379
Well, I tell you, I have to talk to Buddy and Sally
513
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:54,513
tonight.
514
00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:55,914
Oh, yes, you do that and then get back to us.
515
00:16:56,014 --> 00:16:57,816
I'd like very much to work with you.
516
00:16:57,916 --> 00:16:59,184
I-- I like your style.
517
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:02,788
Oh, thank-- I admire your antenna.
518
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:04,356
Well, then grab one and shake.
519
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:05,691
OK.
520
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,493
My, what a weak handshake.
521
00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:08,260
Eh, Jelly Bean.
522
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:09,395
Jelly Bean, please.
523
00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:10,396
Give us a kiss.
524
00:17:10,496 --> 00:17:11,397
No.
525
00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:13,031
I do wish to apologize for Jelly Bean,
526
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,933
but I've had such a bad, bad day.
527
00:17:15,033 --> 00:17:15,834
I understand.
528
00:17:15,934 --> 00:17:17,136
He understands.
529
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:18,737
He and I have a relationship, isn't that so?
530
00:17:18,837 --> 00:17:20,005
Well, I think so.
531
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,740
Well, I should be waiting most impatiently
532
00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:22,641
to hear what you're--
533
00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:23,776
Oh, enough of him.
534
00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,778
Comb my hair.
535
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:26,979
The master speaks.
536
00:17:27,079 --> 00:17:28,113
Oh, that's OK.
537
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,749
Well, so long, everybody.
538
00:17:33,752 --> 00:17:35,721
I just wish it hadn't been like a Twilight Zone
539
00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:36,922
up in that apartment.
540
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,058
He-- he kept hitting me on the head.
541
00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:40,125
Why'd you hit him back?
542
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:41,460
You can't hit a puppet.
543
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:42,561
Alan hits Mel.
544
00:17:44,997 --> 00:17:46,131
Well, I don't know.
545
00:17:46,231 --> 00:17:48,133
Maybe we're making a mistake.
546
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,102
This ventriloquist sounds like he has a split
547
00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:51,703
personality or something.
548
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,706
I mean with Alan, at least we know he's crazy all the time.
549
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:56,175
Hey, look.
550
00:17:56,275 --> 00:17:58,243
I know that this is basically you three's problem--
551
00:17:58,343 --> 00:18:00,345
the three of you's, ah--
552
00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:01,113
ah--
553
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:02,581
Who's working your mouth?
554
00:18:02,681 --> 00:18:04,650
Would just me threes, us threes problem-- go ahead.
555
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,251
Yeah, it's your problem.
556
00:18:06,351 --> 00:18:08,787
But I know you guys, you're not gonna be happy writing
557
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:09,955
jokes for a piece of cloth.
558
00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:11,256
What do you mean?
559
00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,792
I mean, it's a big job on the variety show,
560
00:18:13,892 --> 00:18:16,628
and he offered it at 10% more than we're making right now.
561
00:18:16,728 --> 00:18:17,663
Sure.
562
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:19,098
What's wrong with working for a snail?
563
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:21,967
Snail herder do it all the time.
564
00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:23,335
Well, it's all academic anyway.
565
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,536
If the thing that doesn't work out with Alan,
566
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:26,138
this is the only mid-season show open.
567
00:18:26,238 --> 00:18:27,840
[phone rings]
568
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,007
I don't know.
569
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,075
I've been a ghostwriter.
570
00:18:30,175 --> 00:18:33,612
I guess I can be a snail writer.
571
00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,414
Hello.
572
00:18:35,514 --> 00:18:36,949
Who?
573
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:38,650
Ah, just a moment, please.
574
00:18:38,750 --> 00:18:39,718
Darling, it's for you.
575
00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:40,986
It's Jelly Bean.
576
00:18:41,086 --> 00:18:42,421
Jelly Bean.
577
00:18:42,521 --> 00:18:45,624
LAURA PETRIE: How do you suppose he dialed the phone?
578
00:18:45,724 --> 00:18:46,859
Hello?
579
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,294
Hi, Jelly Bean.
580
00:18:49,394 --> 00:18:50,629
Just fine, thanks.
581
00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:51,797
How are you?
582
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,700
Yeah, I know you have to have an answer right away.
583
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:55,968
Yeah.
584
00:18:56,068 --> 00:19:00,405
And Jelly Bean, could I speak to Claude for a minute?
585
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,441
Come on, I know it's there.
586
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:06,278
Hi, Claude.
587
00:19:06,378 --> 00:19:10,749
How are-- OK, OK.
588
00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:12,084
Just a second.
589
00:19:12,184 --> 00:19:13,385
Listen, he has to have an answer by tomorrow.
590
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:14,953
They want to interview some other writers.
591
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:16,355
I say we go.
592
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,023
I don't think we have any other choice, do you?
593
00:19:18,123 --> 00:19:19,358
Hey, Claude.
594
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:20,759
That said, listen, we don't work on something
595
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:22,995
with Alan tomorrow, you've got yourself a staff.
596
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,130
OK, bye.
597
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:26,598
Well, that's it.
598
00:19:26,698 --> 00:19:29,334
If Alan doesn't talk to us tomorrow, we talk to him.
599
00:19:29,434 --> 00:19:31,236
OK, let's get back to work on the script.
600
00:19:31,336 --> 00:19:32,371
Alan says it's too slow.
601
00:19:32,471 --> 00:19:34,473
Oh, well, if Alan doesn't like it,
602
00:19:34,573 --> 00:19:35,974
we can always sell it to Jelly Bean.
603
00:19:36,074 --> 00:19:36,975
Sure.
604
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:38,844
For a snail, slow is perfect.
605
00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,518
Hey, working on the script is like writing our obituary.
606
00:19:46,618 --> 00:19:48,020
This is it, fellas. This is it.
607
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:48,987
Alan said something?
608
00:19:49,087 --> 00:19:50,455
No, but he's going to.
609
00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:51,490
Marge, said he just called and asked were to find us.
610
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:52,858
OK, let's get the jump on him.
611
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:54,259
Let's start packing.
612
00:19:54,359 --> 00:19:55,127
- No, questions, let's pack. - Come on, let's go.
613
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:56,428
everything, right now.
614
00:19:56,528 --> 00:19:58,096
Come on, Bud-- Buddy, aren't you packing?
615
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,531
Well, with you two quitting, I figured
616
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:03,101
Alan is gonna need somebody.
617
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:04,336
You're kidding.
618
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:05,871
Well, look, if we quit, we don't
619
00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:07,172
getting unemployment insurance.
620
00:20:07,272 --> 00:20:08,440
Shh, shh.
621
00:20:08,540 --> 00:20:09,975
I think Alan's coming. Let's act casual.
622
00:20:10,075 --> 00:20:11,310
Come on.
623
00:20:11,410 --> 00:20:12,678
How do you look cause with tears in your eyes?
624
00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:21,553
Morning.
625
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:22,254
Morning
626
00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:25,023
Morning, Alan.
627
00:20:25,123 --> 00:20:26,158
So this is your office?
628
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:27,392
This is it.
629
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,196
Haven't been down here a long time.
630
00:20:31,296 --> 00:20:32,598
You've never been down here.
631
00:20:32,698 --> 00:20:34,733
Well, as long as I thought.
632
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:37,169
Well, where's my Christmas present?
633
00:20:37,269 --> 00:20:38,704
ROB PETRIE: What Christmas present?
634
00:20:38,804 --> 00:20:39,938
ALAN BRADY: The picture of me I gave you last Christmas.
635
00:20:40,038 --> 00:20:40,906
ROB PETRIE: Oh, we got it.
636
00:20:41,006 --> 00:20:42,174
ALAN BRADY: I don't see it.
637
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:43,175
Oh, well, it was hanging on a wall, Alan.
638
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:45,544
It just fell down.
639
00:20:45,644 --> 00:20:46,678
ALAN BRADY: Let's put it up.
640
00:20:46,778 --> 00:20:47,479
What's the matter?
641
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:48,947
Ah, my foot went to sleep.
642
00:20:49,047 --> 00:20:49,948
ALAN BRADY: Hang it up.
643
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:55,153
There, brightens up the whole office.
644
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,088
Mel.
645
00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:57,155
Yes, Alan.
646
00:20:57,255 --> 00:20:58,991
Who has a very bad sacroiliac?
647
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,258
- Well, you do, Alan. - How bad?
648
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:01,293
Very bad.
649
00:21:01,393 --> 00:21:02,494
Then why am I still standing?
650
00:21:02,594 --> 00:21:03,528
Oh.
651
00:21:06,298 --> 00:21:07,699
I don't understand, you guys.
652
00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,668
I give you everything, a beautiful office,
653
00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:13,472
a desk, a piano, your drinking water, a coat rack, a filing
654
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:14,673
cabinet. is that a window?
655
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:15,574
Yes.
656
00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:16,975
A window.
657
00:21:17,075 --> 00:21:19,444
I give me everything and what do I get in return?
658
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:20,846
[clears throat] A knife in the back.
659
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,481
- A knife in the back? - That's right.
660
00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:23,782
- Shut up, Mel. - Yes, sir.
661
00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:25,817
I'm really, really surprised at you guys.
662
00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:26,752
Wait a minute, Alan.
663
00:21:26,852 --> 00:21:27,853
We're the ones that were supposed
664
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:28,787
to be surprised are you.
665
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:30,122
What-- what are you talking about?
666
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:31,256
I'm talking about your sneaking
667
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:32,591
into a dark alley to see a snake.
668
00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,459
It wasn't my idea, Alan.
669
00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:36,928
We didn't sneak into any alley to meet anybody.
670
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,130
Besides, it was a snail.
671
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:39,564
Snail, snake, what's the difference?
672
00:21:39,665 --> 00:21:43,435
To a love hungry snake, it makes a lot of different.
673
00:21:43,535 --> 00:21:46,505
Alan, ah, how'd you find out about Claude Wilbur?
674
00:21:46,605 --> 00:21:49,107
Wilbur's dummy told my dummy.
675
00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:50,676
Jelly Bean called Mel?
676
00:21:50,776 --> 00:21:53,512
I'm sorry, Mel.
677
00:21:53,612 --> 00:21:55,514
Wanted to know what your last salary was.
678
00:21:55,614 --> 00:21:56,648
Well, wait a minute, Alan.
679
00:21:56,748 --> 00:21:57,983
I did go to see about another job,
680
00:21:58,083 --> 00:21:59,184
but just to protect ourselves.
681
00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:00,652
To protect yourselves?
682
00:22:00,752 --> 00:22:02,521
Whatever happened to gratitude?
683
00:22:02,621 --> 00:22:05,624
A man takes three fledgling dogs under his wings
684
00:22:05,724 --> 00:22:07,993
and they turn out to be vultures.
685
00:22:08,093 --> 00:22:09,561
I don't understand it.
686
00:22:09,661 --> 00:22:12,731
I give you everything and you want to quit me for a snail.
687
00:22:12,831 --> 00:22:13,899
A snail!
688
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:16,168
I was a star when that snail was still leaving
689
00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:19,271
a slimy trail on the driveway.
690
00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:20,472
MEL COOLEY: Exactly.
691
00:22:20,572 --> 00:22:22,074
We didn't take the job yet.
692
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,942
No, you just went out to see if you can get a better offer.
693
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:25,944
I could cry.
694
00:22:26,044 --> 00:22:27,045
I'm not gonna cry.
695
00:22:29,715 --> 00:22:32,284
SALLY ROGERS: Alan, we only inquired about the job
696
00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:35,153
because we want to stay together.
697
00:22:35,253 --> 00:22:36,188
Who's separating you?
698
00:22:36,288 --> 00:22:38,457
Well, you are, aren't you?
699
00:22:38,557 --> 00:22:39,891
What are they talking about?
700
00:22:39,991 --> 00:22:41,093
Mel, I don't understand what they're talking about.
701
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:41,793
No, Alan, I--
702
00:22:41,893 --> 00:22:43,028
Shut up.
703
00:22:43,128 --> 00:22:45,430
You couldn't possibly understand anything I don't.
704
00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:47,065
Now what do you mean, Rob?
705
00:22:47,165 --> 00:22:50,402
Well, ah, Alan, I'll show you.
706
00:22:50,502 --> 00:22:52,904
This is what I mean.
707
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:55,006
Where did you get this-- where did they get this-- where
708
00:22:55,107 --> 00:22:56,608
did you get this memo?
709
00:22:56,708 --> 00:22:58,710
We found it in the basement, ah, going through the garbage.
710
00:22:58,810 --> 00:23:00,979
And you can't fire Sally and Buddy.
711
00:23:01,079 --> 00:23:02,247
If one leaves, we all leave.
712
00:23:02,347 --> 00:23:03,381
You found this in the garbage?
713
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:04,649
ROB PETRIE: Yeah.
714
00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:06,752
You know why you found it in the garbage?
715
00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:09,421
Because that's what it is, garbage.
716
00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:11,990
The network sends me that same memo every month.
717
00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:13,024
Every month?
718
00:23:13,125 --> 00:23:14,359
We didn't know that, Alan.
719
00:23:14,459 --> 00:23:16,261
You ought to go through the garbage more often.
720
00:23:16,361 --> 00:23:17,796
How can you ignore that?
721
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,898
Well, when you're number seven of the national ratings,
722
00:23:19,998 --> 00:23:21,867
you can ignore things like this. MEL COOLEY: It's 17, Alan.
723
00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:22,801
Shut up, Mel.
724
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:24,436
Until I slip below 25, I throw all
725
00:23:24,536 --> 00:23:25,904
of these things in the garbage.
726
00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:27,606
- You didn't intend to fire us? - How can I fire you?
727
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:28,940
You make me the best ad libber in the business.
728
00:23:29,040 --> 00:23:30,609
And what were you doing in the garbage anyway?
729
00:23:30,709 --> 00:23:32,444
We were looking for this week's script.
730
00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:34,079
Well, [chuckles] you were right about that.
731
00:23:34,179 --> 00:23:36,548
But you were a little premature, it does belong in the garbage.
732
00:23:36,648 --> 00:23:37,816
ROB PETRIE: You didn't like that script?
733
00:23:37,916 --> 00:23:38,950
I hated it.
734
00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:39,918
BUDDY SORRELL: I didn't like it either, Alan.
735
00:23:40,018 --> 00:23:41,019
You didn't?
736
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:42,687
No, I told them all it needed a lot of work.
737
00:23:42,788 --> 00:23:43,889
- I don't understand this guy. - You see what I mean?
738
00:23:43,989 --> 00:23:45,190
I've been trying to-- - Shut up, Mel.
739
00:23:45,290 --> 00:23:46,191
He's still better than you.
740
00:23:46,291 --> 00:23:48,593
MEL COOLEY: Oh.
741
00:23:48,693 --> 00:23:49,961
Now come on, get to work and write me
742
00:23:50,061 --> 00:23:52,130
some words that are worthy of my mouth or I'll
743
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:53,231
fire you without a memo.
744
00:23:53,331 --> 00:23:55,100
Come on, Mel.
745
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,067
You got a date for lunch?
746
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:57,102
No, I don't, Alan.
747
00:23:57,202 --> 00:23:58,103
Good, we'll keep it that way.
748
00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:02,808
Alan Brady may be a lot of things,
749
00:24:02,908 --> 00:24:04,743
but he's certainly not nice.
750
00:24:08,814 --> 00:24:11,049
Well, listen, I wanna go to court.
751
00:24:11,149 --> 00:24:12,951
Are you sure?
752
00:24:13,051 --> 00:24:13,919
OK, Marvin.
753
00:24:14,019 --> 00:24:14,719
Bye.
754
00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:16,354
Hey, who's going to court?
755
00:24:16,455 --> 00:24:17,622
Jelly Bean was going to sue us.
756
00:24:17,722 --> 00:24:19,324
He said I shook hands on the deal.
757
00:24:19,424 --> 00:24:20,358
- Oh. - Oh.
758
00:24:20,458 --> 00:24:21,626
Are we in trouble?
759
00:24:21,726 --> 00:24:22,727
No, don't worry about it. We can relax.
760
00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:24,029
We're not in any trouble.
761
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:25,564
According to a very well known authority,
762
00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:28,033
a handshake with a snail is not legally binding.
763
00:24:28,133 --> 00:24:29,167
Oh, yeah, who said that?
764
00:24:29,267 --> 00:24:30,168
Walt Disney.
765
00:24:33,171 --> 00:24:37,976
[theme song]
53268
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