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1
00:00:09,792 --> 00:00:11,532
HEY, JANIE.
I'’M COLLECTING TOYS FOR CHARITY.
2
00:00:11,531 --> 00:00:12,922
GOT ANY?
3
00:00:12,922 --> 00:00:14,662
YOU CAN TAKE THIS ONE.
4
00:00:14,661 --> 00:00:18,661
SHE'’S UG-LY.
5
00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:21,531
THIS IS THE SUSAN B. ANTHONY
DOLL I GAVE YOU.
6
00:00:21,531 --> 00:00:24,011
SHE FOUGHT TO GIVE YOU
THE RIGHT TO VOTE.
7
00:00:24,009 --> 00:00:27,750
YEAH, AND I VOTE
TO THROW HER OUT.
8
00:00:27,747 --> 00:00:29,007
BEING A GREAT WOMAN
HAS NOTHING TO DO
9
00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:30,226
WITH BEING BEAUTIFUL.
10
00:00:30,226 --> 00:00:32,966
EWW, THAT IS HIDEOUS.
11
00:00:32,965 --> 00:00:35,445
DAD, THIS IS SUSAN B. ANTHONY,
12
00:00:35,443 --> 00:00:37,879
ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT WOMEN
IN HISTORY.
13
00:00:37,878 --> 00:00:39,226
REALLY?
THIS WHOLE TIME I THOUGHT
14
00:00:39,226 --> 00:00:41,836
IT WAS STEVEN SEAGAL.
15
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,313
COME ON.
16
00:00:43,312 --> 00:00:45,482
OUT OF MY WAY,
TIME FOR {\an8}HARD DUTY.
17
00:00:45,486 --> 00:00:47,661
LOOK--
I KNOW YOUR MOTHER'’S MEATLOAF
18
00:00:47,660 --> 00:00:49,096
IS TOUGH ON THE PIPES,
19
00:00:49,095 --> 00:00:50,875
BUT I DON'’T NEED
A BLOW-BY-BLOW, OKAY?
20
00:00:50,877 --> 00:00:55,054
DAD, {\an8}HARD DUTY: THE FINAL PUSH
IS THE NAME OF A VIDEO GAME.
21
00:00:55,051 --> 00:00:56,481
FITZY, CARLOS, AND I
HAVE BEEN TRAINING
22
00:00:56,486 --> 00:00:58,487
FOR THIS ONLINE TOURNAMENT
FOR WEEKS.
23
00:00:58,486 --> 00:00:59,916
ALL RIGHT, JUST DON'’T FORGET
MY ONE RULE
24
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:02,009
ABOUT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.
25
00:01:02,008 --> 00:01:03,660
DON'’T LET IT CUT INTO ACTUAL
TV TIME.
26
00:01:03,659 --> 00:01:06,269
ATTA BOY.
27
00:01:08,877 --> 00:01:10,617
ARE YOU STILL HIDING FROM
YOUR BOSS, SWEETIE?
28
00:01:10,616 --> 00:01:13,356
HE DIDN'’T FOLLOW YOU HOME, AMY.
29
00:01:13,355 --> 00:01:15,182
YA NEVER KNOW.
RATINGS ON THE SOAP
30
00:01:15,181 --> 00:01:16,659
HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS LOW.
31
00:01:16,659 --> 00:01:18,789
CORDRELL'’S BEEN FIRING ACTORS
LEFT AND RIGHT.
32
00:01:18,790 --> 00:01:20,834
I FIGURE HE CAN'’T FIRE ME
IF HE CAN'’T FIND ME.
33
00:01:20,832 --> 00:01:23,352
LISTEN TO ME, I SEE CORDRELL
ALL THE TIME AT THE GOLF COURSE
34
00:01:23,355 --> 00:01:25,399
AND HE SEEMS NICE ENOUGH TO ME.
35
00:01:25,398 --> 00:01:27,617
I GOTTA TAKE JANIE FOR HER GOLF
LESSON, SO IF I RUN INTO HIM
36
00:01:27,615 --> 00:01:29,305
I'’LL JUST WORK SOME OF MY MAGIC
ON HIM--OKAY?
37
00:01:29,311 --> 00:01:31,095
OH, THAT'’S SWEET, HONEY,
BUT--BUT NO.
38
00:01:31,094 --> 00:01:32,484
NO, DON'’T TALK TO HIM.
39
00:01:32,484 --> 00:01:33,874
WHY?
40
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:35,572
'’CAUSE YOU'’LL RUIN MY CAREER.
41
00:01:35,571 --> 00:01:37,485
SO WHAT, YOU HAVE TO WALK
AROUND DISGUISED
42
00:01:37,484 --> 00:01:39,224
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
WHAT'’S CORDRELL GOING TO SAY
43
00:01:39,223 --> 00:01:40,783
WHEN HE SEES YA?
44
00:01:40,789 --> 00:01:42,964
"HEY, CRAZY, WEIRD, STRANGE,
OLD LADY, WHO ARE YOU
45
00:01:42,962 --> 00:01:44,702
AND WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'’ HERE?"
46
00:01:44,702 --> 00:01:47,660
STRANGER DANGER!
I'’LL SAVE YOU, DAVID!
47
00:01:47,658 --> 00:01:49,833
AAH!
48
00:01:49,831 --> 00:01:52,741
OH, I STAND CORRECTED.
49
00:01:52,744 --> 00:01:55,744
[upbeat music]
50
00:01:55,744 --> 00:02:03,364
♪
51
00:02:16,353 --> 00:02:19,790
DADDY, ARE WE TAKING THE LONG
WAY TO THE CAR
52
00:02:19,787 --> 00:02:22,745
JUST TO SEE
YOUR PLAQUE AGAIN?
53
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,701
DON'’T BE SILLY.
54
00:02:24,700 --> 00:02:27,830
I JUST CAME IN HERE TO CHECK
THE PRICE ON VISORS.
55
00:02:27,830 --> 00:02:30,571
AND WHILE WE'’RE AT IT, COME ON,
LET'’S GO LOOK AT THE PLAQUE,
56
00:02:30,569 --> 00:02:32,309
IT'’S RIGHT HERE.
57
00:02:32,308 --> 00:02:34,218
AREN'’T YOU PROUD THAT DAD
HOLDS THE COURSE RECORD?
58
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:38,964
IF I SAY YES, WOULD YOU BUY ME
ONE OF THOSE PUPPETS?
59
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,390
THOSE ARE NOT PUPPETS.
THOSE ARE CLUB COVERS.
60
00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,222
ALTHOUGH THIS ONE LOOKS A LOT
LIKE SPONGEBOB.
61
00:02:44,221 --> 00:02:45,526
[chuckling]
62
00:02:45,526 --> 00:02:46,826
OH!
63
00:02:46,829 --> 00:02:48,265
[whispering]
THAT'’S MOMMY'’S BOSS.
64
00:02:48,265 --> 00:02:50,570
I GOTTA GO TALK TO HIM.
65
00:02:50,568 --> 00:02:53,048
[whispering] MOMMY SAID,
"NO, DON'’T.
66
00:02:53,047 --> 00:02:55,917
YOU'’LL RUIN MY CAREER."
67
00:02:55,916 --> 00:02:58,875
THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.
68
00:02:58,873 --> 00:03:03,393
I THINK IT MEANS, "NO, DON'’T.
YOU'’LL RUIN MY CAREER."
69
00:03:03,394 --> 00:03:05,743
GO PLAY WITH SPONGEBOB.
70
00:03:05,742 --> 00:03:07,874
EDWARD!
DAVID HOBBS.
71
00:03:07,872 --> 00:03:09,960
OH, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHO YOU ARE.
72
00:03:09,959 --> 00:03:11,349
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO--
EVERYBODY DOES.
73
00:03:11,351 --> 00:03:12,829
I JUST SAY THAT
TO APPEAR HUMBLE.
74
00:03:12,828 --> 00:03:14,568
LOOK, I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW SOMETHING.
75
00:03:14,568 --> 00:03:17,135
I WANT YOU TO KNOW MY WIFE, AMY,
SHE LOVES DOING THE SHOW.
76
00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:21,003
SHE REALLY DOES AND...
THINKS THE WORLD OF YOU.
77
00:03:21,003 --> 00:03:22,829
MY WIFE AMY!
78
00:03:22,828 --> 00:03:25,134
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DOING
THE SHOW MEANS TO HER...
79
00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:26,913
MY WIFE AMY.
80
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,525
WELL, I THINK
I HAVE SOME IDEA.
81
00:03:28,524 --> 00:03:30,568
UH, PROBABLY ABOUT AS MUCH
AS I ENJOYED HOLDING
82
00:03:30,567 --> 00:03:33,867
THE 16-YEAR COURSE RECORD
BEFORE YOU TOOK IT AWAY.
83
00:03:33,872 --> 00:03:35,916
LISTEN, WHY DON'’T WE GO OUT
AND PLAY A ROUND THIS WEEKEND?
84
00:03:35,914 --> 00:03:37,480
THIS WAY, YOU COULD
WIN YOUR RECORD BACK.
85
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,350
WELL, I'’D LOVE TO,
BUT THE CLUB IS CLOSED
86
00:03:39,350 --> 00:03:41,870
FOR THE LOCAL
TEEN BEAUTY PAGEANT.
87
00:03:41,871 --> 00:03:43,741
TEEN BEAUTY PAGEANT?
88
00:03:43,740 --> 00:03:46,090
MAN, WHAT KIND OF PARENT PARADES
THEIR DAUGHTERS AROUND
89
00:03:46,089 --> 00:03:47,437
IN FRILLY BALL GOWNS
JUST SO THEY CAN
90
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,480
FEEL BETTER
ABOUT THEMSELVES, RIGHT?
91
00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:51,306
YEAH, MY DAUGHTER'’S
IN THE PAGEANT.
92
00:03:51,305 --> 00:03:53,085
WELL, YOU DIDN'’T
LET ME FINISH.
93
00:03:53,089 --> 00:03:58,006
WHAT I MEANT TO SAY WAS THE BEST
KIND OF PARENT--THAT'’S WHO.
94
00:03:58,002 --> 00:04:02,048
COINCIDENTALLY, MY DAUGHTER
EMILY IS IN THE BEAUTY PAGEANT.
95
00:04:02,044 --> 00:04:05,003
WELL, IT'’S NICE TO MEET
A FELLOW PAGEANT ENTHUSIAST.
96
00:04:05,001 --> 00:04:08,351
I-I-I HATE PEOPLE WHO DISMISS IT
AS OLD-FASHIONED AND SEXIST.
97
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,779
WE KNOW IT'’S SO MUCH MORE
THAN THAT.
98
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,479
SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
99
00:04:11,479 --> 00:04:13,999
AND, AS A MATTER OF FACT, MY
YOUNGEST ONE--MY LITTLE JANIE--
100
00:04:14,001 --> 00:04:17,621
SHE ASPIRES TO THE GRACE AND
BEAUTY OF THE PAGEANT, AS WELL.
101
00:04:22,261 --> 00:04:24,001
THAT'’S NOT HER.
102
00:04:26,174 --> 00:04:29,219
SO, LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT,
YOU WANT ME TO ENTER
103
00:04:29,217 --> 00:04:32,477
A BEAUTY PAGEANT THAT GOES
AGAINST EVERYTHING I BELIEVE?
104
00:04:32,478 --> 00:04:34,348
WHY?
105
00:04:34,348 --> 00:04:36,175
I'’D RATHER NOT SAY.
106
00:04:36,174 --> 00:04:38,044
I'’LL ENTER A PAGEANT.
107
00:04:38,043 --> 00:04:39,303
I'’LL GIVE YOU TWO TICKETS
108
00:04:39,304 --> 00:04:40,913
TO THE CONCERT OF YOUR CHOICE, EMILY.
109
00:04:40,912 --> 00:04:43,349
MY PRINCIPLES CAN'’T BE BOUGHT
FOR TWO CONCERT TICKETS.
110
00:04:43,348 --> 00:04:45,348
I'’LL DO IT FOR FREE!
111
00:04:45,347 --> 00:04:46,738
AND WHAT DOES MOM THINK
OF ALL THIS?
112
00:04:46,738 --> 00:04:48,348
I'’LL THROW IN A LIMO
IF YOU DON'’T INVOLVE HER.
113
00:04:48,347 --> 00:04:50,387
I'’LL WALK THERE.
114
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:52,826
YOU HAVE TO DO NOTHING.
JUST GO DOWN THERE, SIGN UP.
115
00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:55,175
YOU DON'’T EVEN HAVE TO TRY.
JUST GO AND SHOW UP.
116
00:04:55,173 --> 00:04:58,218
DAD, BEAUTY PAGEANTS SEND A
HORRIBLE MESSAGE TO YOUNG GIRLS
117
00:04:58,216 --> 00:05:00,126
THAT OUTER BEAUTY MATTERS MOST.
118
00:05:00,129 --> 00:05:03,784
I LIKE THAT MESSAGE.
119
00:05:03,781 --> 00:05:07,211
THAT'’S A GOOD MESSAGE.
120
00:05:07,216 --> 00:05:08,912
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'’LL DO IT.
121
00:05:08,911 --> 00:05:11,391
REALLY?
OH, GREAT. OKAY!
122
00:05:11,390 --> 00:05:15,089
BUT I AM DOING THIS
DOG-AND-PONY SHOW MY WAY.
123
00:05:15,086 --> 00:05:20,655
DOGS AND PONIES TOO?
CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER?
124
00:05:20,650 --> 00:05:22,390
OH, NOOOOO!
125
00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:24,956
MAN, I JUST GOT HERE!
126
00:05:24,954 --> 00:05:27,782
HEY, I'’M RETURNING YOUR DAD'’S
FIVE IRON HE LENT ME.
127
00:05:27,781 --> 00:05:31,391
DON'’T TELL HIM, '’CAUSE HE
DOESN'’T KNOW HE LENT IT.
128
00:05:31,389 --> 00:05:34,304
MARCUS, I HAVE BIGGER ISSUES
RIGHT NOW.
129
00:05:34,302 --> 00:05:37,000
FITZY AND CARLOS ARE SICK AFTER
EATING AT DISCOUNT TACO.
130
00:05:36,998 --> 00:05:39,038
AND NOW THEY CAN'’T PLAY
131
00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:41,216
IN TOMORROW'’S VIDEO GAME TOURNAMENT.
132
00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:43,255
FIRST OF ALL, HOW MUCH MONEY
WERE THEY TRYING TO SAVE
133
00:05:43,258 --> 00:05:47,087
BY EATING AT DISCOUNT TACO?
MM!
134
00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:49,303
AND SECOND, CAN'’T YOU
JUST PLAY WITHOUT THEM?
135
00:05:49,301 --> 00:05:52,173
NOPE.
WE ENTERED AS A THREE-MAN SQUAD.
136
00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:54,821
SIX WEEKS OF TRAINING,
JUST DOWN THE TOILET.
137
00:05:54,823 --> 00:05:58,303
HA, ALONG WITH THOSE
CHEAP TACOS.
138
00:05:58,301 --> 00:06:00,128
AM I RIGHT?
CAN I...GET A...
139
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:02,302
MARCUS, YOU DON'’T UNDERSTAND
WHAT GOES INTO THESE ONLINE,
140
00:06:02,301 --> 00:06:03,861
MULTI-PLAYER GAMES.
141
00:06:03,866 --> 00:06:06,172
IT TAKES MONTHS TO EARN HEALTH
PACKS, WEAPONRY,...
142
00:06:06,171 --> 00:06:08,128
HOLD ON, I MEAN--I KNOW
YOU'’RE SAYING WORDS.
143
00:06:08,127 --> 00:06:13,087
ALL I'’M HEARING IS BOOP,
BOP, BOOP, BOOP, BOOP--NERD!
144
00:06:13,084 --> 00:06:16,260
CAN'’T BELIEVE IT'’S COME
TO THIS, BUT...
145
00:06:16,257 --> 00:06:19,257
WILL YOU GUYS BE ON MY SQUAD?
146
00:06:19,257 --> 00:06:22,647
NO, I CAN'’T.
147
00:06:22,648 --> 00:06:25,389
MANY YEARS AGO, WHILE PLAYING {\an8}
SAVE THE HUMANOIDS,
148
00:06:25,387 --> 00:06:28,476
I COULDN'’T SAVE THE HUMANOIDS, AND...
149
00:06:28,474 --> 00:06:31,563
[sniffs] I LIVE WITH THAT GUILT
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
150
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:35,389
BUT YOU START A NEW GAME
AND THEY COME BACK, RIGHT?
151
00:06:35,386 --> 00:06:38,256
DO THEY, MARCUS?
[choking up] DO THEY?
152
00:06:40,647 --> 00:06:42,126
- HEY, HONEY!
- HEY!
153
00:06:42,125 --> 00:06:43,778
OOH, I JUST BOUGHT
THE CUTEST LITTLE JEGGINGS
154
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,428
FOR SOMEONE SPECIAL.
155
00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:46,820
HONEY, I'’VE TOLD YOU
A MILLION TIMES,
156
00:06:46,821 --> 00:06:49,954
I DON'’T HAVE THE THIGHS
FOR JEGGINGS.
157
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,300
FORTUNATELY, EMILY DOES.
WHERE IS SHE?
158
00:06:52,299 --> 00:06:54,039
SHE'’S UPSTAIRS, BUT HANG--
159
00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:56,208
[stammering] THERE'’S SOMETHING
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
160
00:06:56,212 --> 00:06:57,343
WHAT?
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG?
161
00:06:57,343 --> 00:06:59,423
WELL, NO.
UH, EMILY HAS ENTERED
162
00:06:59,430 --> 00:07:03,650
A BEAUTY PAGEANT...
FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
163
00:07:03,646 --> 00:07:06,126
- A BEAUTY PAGEANT?
- FOR NO APPARENT REASON.
164
00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:07,685
I SHOULD GO TALK TO HER.
165
00:07:07,690 --> 00:07:09,691
YEAH, YOU SHOULD.
BUT WAIT, BEFORE YOU DO THAT,
166
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,470
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I TRIED TO TALK TO HER
167
00:07:11,472 --> 00:07:12,512
AND ASK HER WHY,
FOR NO APPARENT REASON,
168
00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:14,473
SHE ENTERED
A BEAUTY CONTEST,
169
00:07:14,472 --> 00:07:16,299
AND SHE GOT REALLY SNIPPY
AND MOODY
170
00:07:16,298 --> 00:07:17,864
AND ALMOST
TORE MY HEAD OFF.
171
00:07:17,863 --> 00:07:20,033
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT'’LL PROBABLY BE DIFFERENT
172
00:07:20,037 --> 00:07:23,126
WITH YOU, HONEY,
SO...HAVE FUN.
173
00:07:23,124 --> 00:07:25,169
ON THE SECOND THOUGHT, MAYBE I
SHOULD GIVE HER SOME SPACE.
174
00:07:25,168 --> 00:07:28,088
WELL, TCH...
A MOTHER KNOWS.
175
00:07:32,124 --> 00:07:35,734
IT'’S LIKE CHRISTMAS
AND MY BIRTHDAY
176
00:07:35,732 --> 00:07:39,518
ROLLED UP INTO ONE
SPARKLY DREAM!
177
00:07:39,515 --> 00:07:41,342
CAN I GO SEE THE MAKE-UP
AREA?
178
00:07:41,341 --> 00:07:44,471
UH, WELL, SW--ALL RIGHT,
HAVE FUN.
179
00:07:44,471 --> 00:07:47,125
DAVID, DID YOU SEE WHOSE NAME
IS ON THE PROGRAM?
180
00:07:47,123 --> 00:07:49,081
AMY, YOU KNOW MY POLICY:
IF MY NAME'’S NOT ON IT,
181
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,730
I'’M NOT INTERESTED.
182
00:07:50,731 --> 00:07:55,257
[gasps] JULIETTE CORDRELL,
MY BOSS'’S DAUGHTER.
183
00:07:55,254 --> 00:07:57,164
THAT MEANS EDWARD
COULD BE HERE.
184
00:07:57,167 --> 00:07:58,950
OH...
185
00:07:58,949 --> 00:08:00,989
WHAT DID YOU DO?
186
00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:02,602
- ME?
- UH-HUH.
187
00:08:02,601 --> 00:08:03,731
WOW!
188
00:08:03,731 --> 00:08:05,297
DAVID, YOU KNOW
189
00:08:05,296 --> 00:08:06,993
HOW COMPETITIVE THE GUY IS.
190
00:08:06,993 --> 00:08:09,342
WHEN HE FINDS OUT THAT EMILY
IS UP AGAINST HIS DAUGHTER,
191
00:08:09,340 --> 00:08:11,689
THIS COULD GO WRONG
IN SO MANY WAYS!
192
00:08:11,688 --> 00:08:14,255
OR YOU CAN BOND
OVER THE FACT
193
00:08:14,253 --> 00:08:19,123
THAT YOU BOTH HAVE DAUGHTERS
IN THE SAME BEAUTY CONTEST.
194
00:08:19,122 --> 00:08:20,818
PAGEANT PALS, IF YOU WILL.
195
00:08:20,817 --> 00:08:21,727
PAGEANT PALS.
196
00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:23,166
HELLO.
197
00:08:23,166 --> 00:08:25,906
WELL, HELLO, PAGEANT PAL.
198
00:08:25,904 --> 00:08:27,340
YOU KNOW, IT'’S FUNNY, AMY,
199
00:08:27,339 --> 00:08:28,859
I'’M USED TO SEEING YOU
AS AN ACTOR
200
00:08:28,861 --> 00:08:31,297
WHO COULD SLIP BACK INTO A COMA
AT ANY MOMENT,
201
00:08:31,295 --> 00:08:34,685
BUT BEING A PARENT PUTS YOU
IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.
202
00:08:34,687 --> 00:08:36,775
[forced laugh]
WELL...
203
00:08:36,774 --> 00:08:38,862
NOT THE TYPE OF LIGHT
YOU WALK TOWARDS, I HOPE.
204
00:08:38,861 --> 00:08:40,031
[laughing]
205
00:08:42,339 --> 00:08:45,863
IT'’S AMAZING HOW OPPRESSIVE
THE GENDER STEREOTYPES ARE.
206
00:08:45,860 --> 00:08:48,900
I MEAN, IT'’S DISGUSTING THAT
THERE'’S NO MALE EQUIVALENT.
207
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,948
YOU'’RE FUN!
208
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:53,597
SHE'’S JUST TRYING TO
THROW US OFF OUR GAME.
209
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:55,469
I'’M JUST SAYING
SOMETIMES EXPECTATIONS--
210
00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:59,254
WANT TO KNOW MY EXPECTATIONS?
I EXPECT TO WALK OUT OF HERE
211
00:08:59,251 --> 00:09:01,426
WITH A TROPHY
THE SIZE OF A SMALL CHILD.
212
00:09:01,425 --> 00:09:04,205
HELLO!
213
00:09:04,207 --> 00:09:05,686
THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, JANIE.
214
00:09:05,686 --> 00:09:07,339
SHE'’S THE REASON I'’M HERE.
215
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:09,208
SHE THINKS BEING BEAUTIFUL
IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN LIFE.
216
00:09:09,207 --> 00:09:11,507
OH, SO YOU GET IT!
217
00:09:11,512 --> 00:09:13,861
JANIE, DO YOU WANT TO BE
IN A PAGEANT?
218
00:09:13,859 --> 00:09:16,259
LET'’S DO THIS THING!
219
00:09:23,293 --> 00:09:25,163
SO, TO SHOOT THE L.T.A.,
YOU PRESS THE X BUTTON.
220
00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:27,382
- THE X BUTTON.
- AND TO ACTIVATE YOUR HUD,
221
00:09:27,380 --> 00:09:30,510
YOU PRESS THE SQUARE BUTTON.
- SQUARE BU...OKAY.
222
00:09:30,511 --> 00:09:33,774
SO FAR, ALL I'’M HEARING
IS BUTTON.
223
00:09:33,772 --> 00:09:36,202
OH, MAN, WE DON'’T HAVE
A PRAYER WITHOUT KEVIN.
224
00:09:36,206 --> 00:09:38,606
I AM A QUICK STUDY.
I CAN LEARN THIS, MAN.
225
00:09:42,989 --> 00:09:44,339
I'’LL GO GET KEVIN.
226
00:09:46,901 --> 00:09:48,681
[calling]
227
00:09:48,684 --> 00:09:50,511
KEVIN!
228
00:09:50,510 --> 00:09:52,467
COME ON, MAN, WE NEED ANOTHER SOLDIER...
229
00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:56,774
TO OBLITERATE THE ENEMY
AND DESTROY THEIR WORLD!
230
00:09:56,771 --> 00:09:59,511
[softer tone]
FOR THE CHILDREN.
231
00:09:59,510 --> 00:10:02,860
THAT'’S NOT ME ANYMORE, MARCUS.
232
00:10:02,858 --> 00:10:05,728
I NO LONGER WALK THE WAYS
OF THE WARRIOR.
233
00:10:05,727 --> 00:10:08,773
NO, I'’M OUT HERE AT PEACE
WITH MY BONSAI TREE.
234
00:10:08,770 --> 00:10:10,205
[chuckles]
235
00:10:10,205 --> 00:10:12,075
THERE'’S NO ANGER LEFT IN ME.
236
00:10:19,422 --> 00:10:21,342
OKAY,
THE ANGER'’S COMING BACK.
237
00:10:24,813 --> 00:10:26,771
FOLKS, PLEASE WELCOME
OUR NEXT CONTESTANT:
238
00:10:26,770 --> 00:10:29,420
MISS JULIETTE CORDRELL.
239
00:10:29,422 --> 00:10:34,817
JULIETTE IS A VISION
IN RHINESTONES AND CHIFFON.
240
00:10:34,812 --> 00:10:37,727
[recorded voice] I LIKE TO
LOOK MY BEST AT ALL TIMES:
241
00:10:37,725 --> 00:10:39,204
WHETHER I'’M IN A DESIGNER GOWN,
242
00:10:39,204 --> 00:10:42,334
ENTERTAINING
AT ONE OF MY MANY HOMES,
243
00:10:42,335 --> 00:10:46,991
OR IN A DESIGNER GOWN HELPING
ONE OF THE MANY HOMELESS.
244
00:10:46,987 --> 00:10:49,897
IT'’S TRUE.
FASHION IS HER PASSION.
245
00:10:49,899 --> 00:10:53,772
[forced laughter]
246
00:10:53,769 --> 00:10:55,459
IT'’S WORKING, WE'’RE FRIENDS.
- SHH.
247
00:10:55,464 --> 00:10:59,250
[applause]
248
00:10:59,247 --> 00:11:03,772
OUR NEXT, EMILY HOBBS,
IS A STUNNER IN...
249
00:11:03,768 --> 00:11:07,158
[audience gasps]
250
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,769
SWEAT PANTS?
251
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,812
[recorded voice] I FIND
THAT MY GREATEST ACCESSORY
252
00:11:10,811 --> 00:11:12,290
IS MY MIND.
253
00:11:12,290 --> 00:11:14,160
FOR IT DOESN'’T MATTER
WHAT A WOMAN IS WEARING
254
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:17,510
ON THE OUTSIDE--IT'’S WHAT'’S
INSIDE THAT REALLY COUNTS.
255
00:11:17,507 --> 00:11:19,117
NO, IT'’S NOT!
256
00:11:24,463 --> 00:11:29,511
[cheers and applause]
257
00:11:29,507 --> 00:11:31,507
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE JUDGES FIND MISS HOBBS
258
00:11:31,507 --> 00:11:33,116
REFRESHINGLY ORIGINAL.
259
00:11:33,115 --> 00:11:37,075
BRAINS OVER BEAUTY, BUT, UH,
I'’M NOT SURE I LIKE IT.
260
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:40,726
OH, ACCORDING TO THE
TELEPROMPTER, I DO LIKE IT.
261
00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:43,682
A 9.8?
262
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,990
YOUR DAUGHTER IS BEATING MY
DAUGHTER WITH A STUNT LIKE THAT?
263
00:11:48,288 --> 00:11:51,208
COMING, EMILY!
264
00:11:57,940 --> 00:11:59,549
THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE.
265
00:11:59,549 --> 00:12:01,420
NOT ONLY IS OUR DAUGHTER
MOCKING THE PAGEANT,
266
00:12:01,419 --> 00:12:02,939
SHE'’S BEATING
MY BOSS'’S DAUGHTER.
267
00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:06,725
ALL RIGHT, I'’VE GOT GOOD NEWS.
268
00:12:06,722 --> 00:12:09,722
I INSULTED CORDRELL
ABOUT BEAUTY PAGEANTS.
269
00:12:09,722 --> 00:12:12,550
SO I BRIBED EMILY
TO ENTER THE CONTEST.
270
00:12:12,548 --> 00:12:14,328
YOUR IDEA OF GOOD NEWS
271
00:12:14,331 --> 00:12:16,985
IS SO DIFFERENT
THAN MY IDEA OF GOOD NEWS.
272
00:12:16,984 --> 00:12:18,593
OKAY, WELL,
HERE'’S THE GOOD NEWS.
273
00:12:18,592 --> 00:12:20,022
SINCE I BRIBED HER
TO GET INTO IT,
274
00:12:20,026 --> 00:12:21,505
I CAN BRIBE HER
TO GET OUT OF IT.
275
00:12:21,505 --> 00:12:23,071
OKAY, THEN BRIBE AWAY, PAL.
276
00:12:23,070 --> 00:12:24,505
BECAUSE IF EMILY
WINS THIS PAGEANT,
277
00:12:24,505 --> 00:12:26,195
CORDRELL'’S GOING TO
GIVE MY CHARACTER EBOLA.
278
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,548
OKAY?
- ALL RIGHT.
279
00:12:27,548 --> 00:12:30,158
AND NOW, TO START OFF
THE TALENT PORTION,
280
00:12:30,157 --> 00:12:32,854
EMILY HOBBS
AS THE MATH MAGICIAN.
281
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:35,902
[cheers and applause]
282
00:12:42,070 --> 00:12:44,200
AND POOF, THE MATH MAGICIAN
283
00:12:44,199 --> 00:12:46,509
JUST PULLED A LOSER
OUT OF THE HAT.
284
00:12:50,721 --> 00:12:52,111
AND TIME!
285
00:12:52,112 --> 00:12:54,112
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
SHE DID IT!
286
00:12:54,112 --> 00:12:56,679
[applause]
- SHE DID IT?
287
00:12:56,677 --> 00:12:59,200
SHE DID IT!
288
00:12:59,199 --> 00:13:02,029
[cheers and applause]
289
00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:10,243
WHAT'’S THE MOST GRUESOME
AILMENT WE CAN GIVE AN ACTRESS?
290
00:13:10,242 --> 00:13:11,807
LIKE, WHAT'’S THAT HORRIBLE
DISFIGURING DISEASE
291
00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:14,374
THAT JOAN RIVERS HAS?
292
00:13:14,372 --> 00:13:15,242
REALLY?
293
00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:21,068
READY FOR THIS?
294
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,678
I DON'’T KNOW, MAN.
I MEAN, WHAT IF I LOST MY EDGE?
295
00:13:23,676 --> 00:13:25,155
WHAT IF I CAN'’T PULL
THE TRIGGER ANYMORE?
296
00:13:25,155 --> 00:13:26,590
- AND WE'’RE LIVE!
- WHOO!
297
00:13:26,589 --> 00:13:29,629
EAT LASER, ALIEN SCUM!
[laughing maniacally]
298
00:13:29,632 --> 00:13:33,331
THIS IS FOR THE HUMANOIDS.
REDEMPTION IS MINE!
299
00:13:33,328 --> 00:13:36,068
[imitates machine gun sound]
300
00:13:36,068 --> 00:13:38,025
IT'’S BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
301
00:13:38,024 --> 00:13:41,679
NOW, THIS GOT WEIRD FAST.
302
00:13:41,676 --> 00:13:44,373
MOM, DAD!
I'’M ONE OF THE FINALISTS!
303
00:13:44,371 --> 00:13:46,411
YAY!
304
00:13:46,415 --> 00:13:49,199
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE JUMPING?
305
00:13:49,197 --> 00:13:51,067
WE'’RE JUMPING ON THE INSIDE.
306
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:52,763
ISN'’T THIS GREAT?
307
00:13:52,762 --> 00:13:54,282
I'’M WINNING BASED ON
MY INNER BEAUTY.
308
00:13:54,284 --> 00:13:55,934
OH, HONEY,
YOU'’VE MADE YOUR POINT.
309
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,893
WOMEN HAVE BRAINS, OR WHATEVER,
BUT WE'’RE DONE HERE.
310
00:13:57,892 --> 00:13:59,458
LET'’S GO, OKAY?
- WAIT, NO!
311
00:13:59,457 --> 00:14:01,457
YOU WANT ME TO QUIT
THE COMPETITION?
312
00:14:01,457 --> 00:14:02,977
THROW AWAY EVERYTHING
I STAND FOR?
313
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:04,589
EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN?
314
00:14:04,588 --> 00:14:07,677
UH, PRETTY MUCH.
315
00:14:07,675 --> 00:14:11,417
BUT
I'’M DOING THIS FOR JANIE.
316
00:14:11,414 --> 00:14:13,763
SHE THREW AWAY A DOLL BECAUSE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS UGLY, DAD.
317
00:14:13,762 --> 00:14:15,110
WELL, TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST,
318
00:14:15,109 --> 00:14:18,849
THAT STEVEN SEAGAL
WAS NOT A HANDSOME DOLL.
319
00:14:18,848 --> 00:14:20,238
HOLD ON. HOLD ON.
320
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,807
EMILY, SWEETIE--DON'’T QUIT.
321
00:14:23,804 --> 00:14:26,934
I LOVE WHAT YOU'’RE DOING
FOR YOUR SISTER.
322
00:14:26,935 --> 00:14:29,197
AND YOUR FATHER AND I,
WE'’VE ALWAYS ENCOURAGED YOU
323
00:14:29,196 --> 00:14:31,545
TO GO OUT THERE AND BE
THE INDEPENDENT THINKER
324
00:14:31,543 --> 00:14:33,501
THAT WE ARE SO PROUD OF.
325
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:34,580
THANKS, MOM, THANKS ,DAD!
326
00:14:34,587 --> 00:14:37,067
OKAY, I'’M, UH...
327
00:14:37,065 --> 00:14:38,674
A LITTLE CONFUSED HERE.
328
00:14:38,674 --> 00:14:42,068
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO
TALK HER OUT OF ALL THIS.
329
00:14:42,065 --> 00:14:44,283
I-I DID, BUT IF CORDRELL'’S
GOING TO BE PETTY AND FIRE ME
330
00:14:44,282 --> 00:14:46,412
BECAUSE EMILY'’S WINNING,
SO BE IT.
331
00:14:46,413 --> 00:14:47,891
WHAT'’S IMPORTANT TO HER
332
00:14:47,890 --> 00:14:51,110
IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT
THAN WHAT HE THINKS.
333
00:14:53,195 --> 00:14:55,370
I'’M AN ACTOR.
334
00:14:55,368 --> 00:14:58,628
HOW DO I KNOW WHAT TO THINK
IF NOBODY TELLS ME?
335
00:15:04,890 --> 00:15:08,110
LISTEN, YOU SWEATPANTS-WEARING
CALCULATOR,
336
00:15:08,107 --> 00:15:09,934
STOP MAKING A JOKE OUT OF THIS.
337
00:15:09,933 --> 00:15:12,543
IT'’S A POSITIVE MESSAGE,
AND I'’M NOT HURTING ANYONE.
338
00:15:12,542 --> 00:15:16,282
UH, HELLO!
YOU'’RE HURTING EVERYONE.
339
00:15:16,281 --> 00:15:19,980
I HAD BIG PLANS FOR THIS TITLE,
AND I'’M SURE MOLLY HERE
340
00:15:19,977 --> 00:15:24,415
HAD SOME STUPID PLAN INVOLVING
A HORSE NAMED BUTTERSCOTCH.
341
00:15:24,411 --> 00:15:27,326
NOT EXACTLY,
ALTHOUGH I LOVE HORSES.
342
00:15:27,324 --> 00:15:32,234
AND IF I HAD ONE, BUTTERSCOTCH
WOULD BE A SUPER CUTE NAME.
343
00:15:32,237 --> 00:15:35,108
I'’M JUST HERE HOPING TO WIN
THE SCHOLARSHIP MONEY.
344
00:15:35,106 --> 00:15:37,586
SINCE MY DAD PASSED,
THERE'’S NO WAY MY MOM CAN AFFORD
345
00:15:37,585 --> 00:15:41,455
TO SEND ME OR MY LITTLE BROTHER
TO COLLEGE.
346
00:15:41,454 --> 00:15:44,064
UGH, TOO SAD FOR ME.
347
00:15:47,497 --> 00:15:50,237
OFF WITH YOUR HEAD, ALIEN!
348
00:15:50,237 --> 00:15:53,152
AND YOUR OTHER HEAD!
[game noises in background]
349
00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,060
MARCUS, I DON'’T LIKE
WHAT WE'’VE UNLEASHED.
350
00:15:55,063 --> 00:15:57,020
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
351
00:15:57,019 --> 00:15:59,107
I GOT THIS.
352
00:15:59,105 --> 00:16:00,932
OKAY, YOU'’RE JUST RUNNING
AROUND IN CIRCLES,
353
00:16:00,931 --> 00:16:03,671
PATTING YOUR HEAD.
354
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:05,498
WHY WOULD THEY MAKE A BUTTON
TO DO THAT?
355
00:16:05,497 --> 00:16:06,977
THEY DON'’T.
356
00:16:08,975 --> 00:16:11,975
I CAN'’T BELIEVE WHAT
I'’M ABOUT TO DO.
357
00:16:11,975 --> 00:16:13,105
[sound of laser firing]
358
00:16:13,105 --> 00:16:16,064
[whimpering]
359
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:17,714
WHO SHOT ME?
360
00:16:17,713 --> 00:16:20,883
I DID.
IT WAS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
361
00:16:20,887 --> 00:16:22,105
[sound of laser firing]
- AH, YES!
362
00:16:22,105 --> 00:16:24,977
I GOT ONE!
BLAHH!
363
00:16:24,975 --> 00:16:27,975
MARCUS, YOU JUST SHOT ME!
364
00:16:27,974 --> 00:16:29,494
SO WHAT?
I'’M STILL IN THE BATTLE!
365
00:16:29,496 --> 00:16:30,844
[sound of laser firing]
OH, OH, OH, OH,
366
00:16:30,844 --> 00:16:31,931
JUST GOT ANOTHER ONE!
367
00:16:31,930 --> 00:16:35,498
YOU JUST SHOT YOURSELF.
368
00:16:35,496 --> 00:16:38,406
I'’M REALLY NOT GOOD AT THIS,
AM I?
369
00:16:38,409 --> 00:16:42,368
AND THEN THERE WERE THREE.
[cheers and applause]
370
00:16:42,365 --> 00:16:45,106
HOWEVER, EMILY HOBBS
HAS AN UNBEATABLE LEAD.
371
00:16:45,104 --> 00:16:48,063
OH, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO ALL.
372
00:16:48,061 --> 00:16:50,101
THE QUESTION FOR OUR
CONTESTANTS, IS:
373
00:16:50,104 --> 00:16:53,364
IF I COULD GRANT YOU ONE WISH,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?
374
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,496
WHEN I WAS LITTLE,
MY DAD TOLD ME
375
00:16:59,495 --> 00:17:01,844
I COULD DO DO ANYTHING
MY HEART CAN DREAM.
376
00:17:01,842 --> 00:17:05,236
SO MY WISH IS THAT EVERYONE,
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE,
377
00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:08,584
CAN GET A CHANCE
AT A QUALITY EDUCATION.
378
00:17:08,581 --> 00:17:10,581
THAT'’S THE ONLY WAY
REAL DREAMS COME TRUE.
379
00:17:10,581 --> 00:17:14,191
[cheers and applause]
380
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:29,064
IF I HAD ONE WISH,
I'’D WISH...
381
00:17:29,059 --> 00:17:31,189
THAT THERE WERE
NO MORE BABIES.
382
00:17:33,146 --> 00:17:36,316
THEY ARE GROSS, AND THEY ARE
DUMB, AND THEY CRY.
383
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:41,010
- ALL RIGHTY, THEN.
- UH--
384
00:17:41,015 --> 00:17:44,539
I THINK I MAY HAVE MISSPOKEN.
385
00:17:44,536 --> 00:17:47,016
JUST TO BE CLEAR, I MEANT BABIES
OF ALL SPECIES:
386
00:17:47,015 --> 00:17:49,712
BUNNIES, PONIES, KITTENS,
WHAT HAVE YOU.
387
00:17:49,710 --> 00:17:51,750
DON'’T LIKE '’EM, DON'’T NEED '’EM.
GOOD NIGHT!
388
00:17:51,754 --> 00:17:54,374
LOVE YOU ALL!
OH, EXCEPT PUPPIES--HATE YOU!
389
00:18:04,622 --> 00:18:05,312
[clears throat]
390
00:18:11,622 --> 00:18:14,929
UH...YEAH.
391
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:18,797
WHAT SHE SAID ABOUT THE BABY
THING, BLAH, BLAH.
392
00:18:18,796 --> 00:18:21,416
I'’M STUPID!
393
00:18:28,882 --> 00:18:30,272
WHAT'’S HAPPENING?
394
00:18:33,318 --> 00:18:35,362
WELL, I HOPE YOU'’RE HAPPY.
395
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,230
YOU'’RE DAUGHTER RUINED
THE CONTEST FOR EVERYBODY.
396
00:18:37,231 --> 00:18:40,361
AND BY EVERYBODY, I MEAN ME.
397
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:43,319
SO YOU, YOUR CHARACTER
WILL NO LONGER...
398
00:18:43,317 --> 00:18:45,447
JUST HOLD THAT THREAT
A SECOND.
399
00:18:45,447 --> 00:18:48,319
UM, LISTEN.
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT
400
00:18:48,317 --> 00:18:50,405
AFTER WATCHING
OUR DAUGHTERS PERFORM
401
00:18:50,404 --> 00:18:53,224
WITH SUCH DIGNITY
AND GRACE,
402
00:18:53,230 --> 00:18:55,318
IT'’S INSPIRED ME TO DO THE SAME,
403
00:18:55,317 --> 00:18:58,449
AND, UM...
I HAVE TO TELL YOU
404
00:18:58,447 --> 00:19:01,577
THAT I DIDN'’T BREAK
YOUR COURSE RECORD.
405
00:19:01,577 --> 00:19:03,056
WHAT?
406
00:19:03,056 --> 00:19:05,535
YEAH, I TOOK A MULLIGAN
ON 18.
407
00:19:05,533 --> 00:19:08,187
- THAT'’S NOT ALLOWED.
- I-I'’M WELL AWARE OF THAT.
408
00:19:08,185 --> 00:19:09,794
AND I'’M NOT PROUD OF IT,
409
00:19:09,794 --> 00:19:12,224
BUT THE COURSE RECORD
IS STILL YOURS.
410
00:19:12,229 --> 00:19:13,707
YES!
411
00:19:13,707 --> 00:19:15,795
[ahem]
412
00:19:15,794 --> 00:19:17,839
GOTTA RESPECT AN HONEST GOLFER.
413
00:19:17,837 --> 00:19:20,097
SEE YA ON THE LINKS, HOBBS.
- OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
414
00:19:20,098 --> 00:19:23,578
AND--AND I'’LL SEE YOU
ON THE SET MONDAY, HMM?
415
00:19:23,577 --> 00:19:25,926
YOU WILL?
416
00:19:25,924 --> 00:19:27,234
YOU WILL!
417
00:19:30,837 --> 00:19:31,706
[whispering]
THANK YOU.
418
00:19:31,706 --> 00:19:33,794
FOR?
419
00:19:33,793 --> 00:19:36,230
YOU NEVER TOOK A MULLIGAN.
420
00:19:36,228 --> 00:19:37,837
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
421
00:19:37,837 --> 00:19:39,316
BECAUSE THE LAST TIME
422
00:19:39,315 --> 00:19:42,925
YOU WERE ACCUSED OF TAKING
A MULLIGAN BY MARCUS
423
00:19:42,923 --> 00:19:44,968
YOU CALLED HIM CARCASS
FOR A MONTH.
424
00:19:44,967 --> 00:19:46,177
HUH?
- THAT'’S '’CAUSE FOR THAT MONTH,
425
00:19:46,184 --> 00:19:49,104
HE WAS DEAD TO ME.
426
00:19:57,531 --> 00:20:00,577
YOU LOST THE CONTEST
ON PURPOSE, DIDN'’T YOU?
427
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:03,445
YEAH. MOLLY NEEDED IT
MORE THAN I DID.
428
00:20:03,444 --> 00:20:05,489
THAT'’S REALLY NICE.
429
00:20:05,488 --> 00:20:08,228
THAT'’S WHAT MAKES SOMEONE PRETTY
ON THE INSIDE.
430
00:20:08,227 --> 00:20:09,705
YOU'’RE EXACTLY RIGHT, JANIE.
431
00:20:09,705 --> 00:20:12,533
I GET STUFF.
432
00:20:12,531 --> 00:20:14,401
- EMILY?
- YEAH?
433
00:20:14,401 --> 00:20:17,401
WHY DO YOU HATE PUPPIES?
434
00:20:20,009 --> 00:20:23,055
[soft music playing]
435
00:20:23,053 --> 00:20:25,750
♪
436
00:20:25,748 --> 00:20:27,748
FEELING BETTER, KEVIN?
437
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:29,398
ALMOST.
438
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:38,400
[sighs]
439
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,410
NOW I FEEL BETTER.
440
00:20:40,460 --> 00:20:45,010
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