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1
00:00:11,122 --> 00:00:14,295
[suspenseful music]
2
00:00:14,328 --> 00:00:15,632
[thunder rumbling]
3
00:00:15,665 --> 00:00:16,734
LAURA:
Oh, my God.
4
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:19,806
♪ ♪
5
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,042
Oh, my God.
6
00:00:21,075 --> 00:00:24,048
[panting]
7
00:00:25,818 --> 00:00:28,189
[screams]
8
00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:30,595
[groaning]
9
00:00:30,628 --> 00:00:34,268
♪ ♪
10
00:00:34,302 --> 00:00:38,076
[screaming]
11
00:00:39,378 --> 00:00:41,449
By the power of Hephzibah,
12
00:00:41,482 --> 00:00:44,488
I compel you to oblivion!
13
00:00:44,523 --> 00:00:48,063
[groaning]
14
00:00:48,096 --> 00:00:48,831
[plops wetly]
15
00:00:48,864 --> 00:00:50,467
[grunts]
16
00:00:50,501 --> 00:00:53,574
[baby crying]
17
00:00:53,608 --> 00:00:56,814
Oh, a girl.
18
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:03,093
[dramatic music]
19
00:01:03,126 --> 00:01:07,468
♪ ♪
20
00:01:10,107 --> 00:01:11,577
You'll need a needle
for that one, Christina.
21
00:01:11,610 --> 00:01:13,480
That's cystic.
- You're cystic.
22
00:01:13,514 --> 00:01:14,850
How do you know what I need?
23
00:01:14,883 --> 00:01:16,553
Because I'm your mother,
and mothers know best.
24
00:01:16,587 --> 00:01:18,691
Oh, you're right, Mother.
You do know best.
25
00:01:18,724 --> 00:01:20,494
I'm so glad you moved us
to a new town
26
00:01:20,528 --> 00:01:21,664
in the middle of a school year
27
00:01:21,697 --> 00:01:23,400
so I get
to restart seventh grade
28
00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:24,736
with a whole new group of kids.
29
00:01:24,770 --> 00:01:26,339
Look, I know it's not ideal,
30
00:01:26,372 --> 00:01:28,310
but--but don't blame me
for the economy, okay?
31
00:01:28,343 --> 00:01:29,880
I got to go where the work is.
- Mom!
32
00:01:29,913 --> 00:01:31,349
[tires screeching]
- [gasps]
33
00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:34,155
Use the crosswalk,
you little gremlin!
34
00:01:34,188 --> 00:01:35,692
Whew, you're lucky
your mom's got the reflexes
35
00:01:35,725 --> 00:01:36,894
of a goddamn cheetah.
36
00:01:36,927 --> 00:01:38,430
I'm walking the rest
of the way.
37
00:01:38,463 --> 00:01:39,733
I can't stand another
minute with you.
38
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:40,802
[locks clicking]
39
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:42,204
Are you sure you're okay?
40
00:01:42,237 --> 00:01:43,741
Yeah, I'm fine.
LAURA: What's going on?
41
00:01:43,774 --> 00:01:45,410
You feeling fussy?
CHRISSY: What?
42
00:01:45,444 --> 00:01:46,446
Your little rosebuds tender?
43
00:01:46,479 --> 00:01:47,448
Tell me.
- Stop it!
44
00:01:47,481 --> 00:01:48,551
Ew, Mom!
- Let me feel.
45
00:01:48,584 --> 00:01:49,686
- Get off of me!
- Let me feel them!
46
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,255
Hey, does this hurt?
- Goodbye!
47
00:01:51,289 --> 00:01:53,226
And don't forget
new school rules!
48
00:01:53,259 --> 00:01:56,800
Assume everyone is a murderer
until proven otherwise!
49
00:01:56,834 --> 00:01:58,303
Christina?
[school bell ringing]
50
00:01:58,336 --> 00:01:59,740
["Magic" by The Linda Lindas]
51
00:01:59,773 --> 00:02:02,746
STUDENT 1: All of my favorite
actors got cancelled.
52
00:02:02,779 --> 00:02:04,482
STUDENT 2:
And I was like, "Yes, Mom,
53
00:02:04,516 --> 00:02:06,185
I do love my followers more
than you."
54
00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:06,887
STUDENT 3:
Is that a new girl?
55
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,524
[laughs]
56
00:02:08,557 --> 00:02:09,826
SINGER:
♪ No one would judge me ♪
57
00:02:09,860 --> 00:02:11,429
Ooh.
58
00:02:11,462 --> 00:02:12,532
SINGER:
♪ For wanting to be by myself ♪
59
00:02:12,565 --> 00:02:16,339
♪ But I'm already
invisible enough ♪
60
00:02:16,372 --> 00:02:19,111
♪ Without anybody else's help ♪
61
00:02:20,782 --> 00:02:22,184
Hey, guy.
62
00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:24,756
Mind if I share this locker
with you?
63
00:02:24,790 --> 00:02:26,192
STUDENT:
Hey, heads up!
64
00:02:26,225 --> 00:02:27,796
Bye, you motherfucker!
- [whimpers]
65
00:02:27,829 --> 00:02:29,900
Gotcha, little one.
[chuckles]
66
00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:32,304
Um, hi.
- Hi.
67
00:02:32,338 --> 00:02:35,444
I believe this 30-legged
friendly centipede is yours.
68
00:02:35,477 --> 00:02:37,314
Oh! Oh, yeah, thanks.
BEN: Yeah.
69
00:02:37,348 --> 00:02:38,751
You're new here, right?
CHRISSY: Uh-huh.
70
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,389
I'm Bennigan, resident
self-appointed school greeter.
71
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:42,759
Oh, hi.
[chuckles]
72
00:02:42,792 --> 00:02:44,596
I'm Chrissy.
- Hi.
73
00:02:44,629 --> 00:02:46,667
Did you know the technical
name of the house centipede
74
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,403
is Scutigera...
BOTH: Coleoptrata.
75
00:02:48,436 --> 00:02:49,806
Yeah.
CHRISSY: Oh, you knew!
76
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:52,177
I totally knew.
[awkward laughter]
77
00:02:52,211 --> 00:02:54,181
STUDENT: Nerds!
78
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,452
So there's, like,
this party tonight
79
00:02:56,486 --> 00:02:59,358
at the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike.
80
00:02:59,392 --> 00:03:01,329
You should go.
And I'll go.
81
00:03:01,362 --> 00:03:03,601
And then, that way,
we're kind of going together.
82
00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:04,669
Uh--
[groans]
83
00:03:04,703 --> 00:03:06,607
- Huh?
- Uh, okay.
84
00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,410
I have to bathroom now.
85
00:03:08,443 --> 00:03:09,679
- Oh.
- Oh, my God.
86
00:03:09,713 --> 00:03:10,848
Please forget I just said that.
87
00:03:10,882 --> 00:03:12,786
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [laughing awkwardly]
88
00:03:12,819 --> 00:03:15,758
Don't worry, I flushed it
from my memory, so...
89
00:03:15,792 --> 00:03:18,764
[ominous music]
90
00:03:18,798 --> 00:03:20,935
♪ ♪
91
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,605
Probably shouldn't have
eaten that block of cheese
92
00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:23,908
last night.
93
00:03:23,941 --> 00:03:26,345
[groans]
What the hell?
94
00:03:26,379 --> 00:03:27,615
[gasps]
95
00:03:27,649 --> 00:03:29,218
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
96
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,487
Not today.
[door opens]
97
00:03:30,521 --> 00:03:31,557
STUDENT 1:
Come on, get in here.
98
00:03:31,590 --> 00:03:32,792
BEN:
May I suggest the boys' room?
99
00:03:32,826 --> 00:03:34,696
Men have taken so much
from women already.
100
00:03:34,730 --> 00:03:36,332
STUDENT 1:
Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass.
101
00:03:36,365 --> 00:03:37,434
God, I hate nerds.
- [gasps]
102
00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:38,604
Bennigan.
STUDENT 2: Me too.
103
00:03:38,637 --> 00:03:41,375
My mom left my awesome dad
for a nerd.
104
00:03:41,409 --> 00:03:44,549
Now instead of football games,
we visit historical bridges.
105
00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:45,918
Bridges?
Gross!
106
00:03:45,952 --> 00:03:47,756
STUDENT 2: Now let's get you
on my livestream
107
00:03:47,789 --> 00:03:50,962
so everyone
can watch you bleed.
108
00:03:50,995 --> 00:03:54,235
Ah, this feels like a big
escalation from swirlies, man.
109
00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:57,575
But we graduate this year,
and so should our violence.
110
00:03:57,609 --> 00:03:58,577
[dripping]
- [gasps]
111
00:03:58,611 --> 00:03:59,980
STUDENT 2:
Hey, shh.
112
00:04:00,013 --> 00:04:01,449
You hear that drippy drip?
113
00:04:01,482 --> 00:04:02,786
That ain't no leaky faucet.
114
00:04:02,819 --> 00:04:08,029
♪ ♪
115
00:04:08,062 --> 00:04:10,367
- Ah!
- Oh, it's a freaky new girl.
116
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:11,402
[laughing]
STUDENT 1: Guess I was wrong
117
00:04:11,436 --> 00:04:12,572
about them not poo-pooing.
118
00:04:12,605 --> 00:04:14,308
Nah, dude.
That's no dookie.
119
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:17,715
Freaky new girl's blossomed
into freaky new woman.
120
00:04:17,749 --> 00:04:18,951
Please don't.
121
00:04:18,984 --> 00:04:21,757
Say hi to the world,
Bloody Mary.
122
00:04:21,790 --> 00:04:23,794
[laughter and voices echoing]
123
00:04:23,828 --> 00:04:24,930
STUDENT 1:
You hear what I said?
124
00:04:24,963 --> 00:04:25,998
STUDENT 2:
You called her Bloody Mary
125
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:27,602
'cause she's got
her period stain.
126
00:04:29,973 --> 00:04:32,946
[sinister music]
127
00:04:32,979 --> 00:04:33,981
[glass shatters]
128
00:04:34,014 --> 00:04:37,555
[breathes raspingly]
129
00:04:37,589 --> 00:04:39,593
[gasps]
130
00:04:39,626 --> 00:04:40,862
[growling]
131
00:04:40,895 --> 00:04:42,030
[screaming]
132
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,466
BEN: Aah, his legs!
133
00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:45,437
[both yelling]
134
00:04:45,470 --> 00:04:47,675
[music swells]
135
00:04:47,709 --> 00:04:48,711
[snarls]
136
00:04:48,744 --> 00:04:49,880
[screams]
137
00:04:51,349 --> 00:04:53,453
[squelching]
138
00:04:53,486 --> 00:04:54,623
BEN: Whoa.
139
00:04:54,656 --> 00:04:57,027
I'm not a proponent
of violence,
140
00:04:57,060 --> 00:05:00,768
but that was
irrefutably cathartic.
141
00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:03,707
[howling]
142
00:05:09,653 --> 00:05:10,822
[both pant]
143
00:05:10,855 --> 00:05:13,359
- So--
- So...
144
00:05:13,393 --> 00:05:16,767
So about that party,
is that invite still--
145
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:17,902
- Yes!
- Oh!
146
00:05:17,936 --> 00:05:19,071
- Yes.
- Sweet.
147
00:05:19,104 --> 00:05:20,508
- Great.
- That's great.
148
00:05:20,541 --> 00:05:21,777
See you at there then.
- Cool.
149
00:05:21,810 --> 00:05:23,514
[chuckles awkwardly]
150
00:05:25,685 --> 00:05:26,987
[splatting]
151
00:05:27,020 --> 00:05:29,826
Exit the building
in an orderly fashion!
152
00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:32,732
[screaming]
I said orderly!
153
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:34,503
[panting]
[horn honks]
154
00:05:34,536 --> 00:05:35,538
[tires screeching]
155
00:05:35,571 --> 00:05:36,640
Mom?
156
00:05:36,673 --> 00:05:37,876
Get in now.
Come on.
157
00:05:37,909 --> 00:05:39,478
Here, here.
158
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:40,848
Salt your hair and burn
this photo of yourself.
159
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:42,986
What? Why?
What's happening?
160
00:05:43,019 --> 00:05:44,689
LAURA: Look, I'm sorry
for putting this off.
161
00:05:44,723 --> 00:05:46,359
Your dad is the Devil,
162
00:05:46,392 --> 00:05:47,896
and you're
his mortal conduit to Earth,
163
00:05:47,929 --> 00:05:49,766
known to Bible-y types
as the Antichrist.
164
00:05:49,799 --> 00:05:51,937
What the fuck?
165
00:05:51,970 --> 00:05:54,408
You got your period
and made that hole in the sky,
166
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,412
and now your dad knows where
to find you, so we got to go.
167
00:05:56,445 --> 00:05:57,949
But you said my dad was dead.
168
00:05:57,982 --> 00:06:00,621
I said not alive.
Fasten your seatbelt, honey.
169
00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:02,525
And if you have any questions
about feminine hygiene,
170
00:06:02,559 --> 00:06:04,495
there's a pamphlet in the
glovebox right under the gun.
171
00:06:04,529 --> 00:06:05,497
Gun?
172
00:06:10,975 --> 00:06:12,144
That's one brave parakeet.
173
00:06:12,177 --> 00:06:13,714
- Hope he stays off Twitter.
- [groans]
174
00:06:13,747 --> 00:06:16,052
In other news, the sky
over a local junior high
175
00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:17,722
has torn open,
176
00:06:17,755 --> 00:06:20,460
leaving a cosmic black void
over Middletown.
177
00:06:20,493 --> 00:06:21,930
REPORTER 1:
Authorities have no details
178
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,934
about the black hole's origin
or purpose.
179
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:25,036
REPORTER 2:
But whatever it wants,
180
00:06:25,070 --> 00:06:26,707
you can bet it won't
181
00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:28,109
be keeping us
from Shayla Rosenblatt's
182
00:06:28,142 --> 00:06:29,613
birthday after-party
183
00:06:29,646 --> 00:06:32,484
at the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike.
184
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:33,887
Access Hollywood is next.
185
00:06:33,921 --> 00:06:36,058
[dialing]
186
00:06:36,092 --> 00:06:38,564
[dramatic music]
187
00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:40,200
CHIEF: Put him on.
188
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,004
The Pope.
189
00:06:42,037 --> 00:06:43,507
You goofy rascal.
190
00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,043
You answer your own phone?
191
00:06:45,076 --> 00:06:47,615
The black hole has arrived.
192
00:06:47,649 --> 00:06:51,022
The time has come for me
to thwart Satan's fiendish plan
193
00:06:51,055 --> 00:06:53,861
by killing his spawn,
the Antichrist.
194
00:06:53,894 --> 00:06:57,936
My forces assemble in
Middletown as we speak, and--
195
00:06:57,969 --> 00:06:59,572
someone's beeping in?
196
00:06:59,606 --> 00:07:01,208
Oh, no.
Please grab it.
197
00:07:01,242 --> 00:07:03,981
I'll call you
when the child is dead.
198
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:08,524
Take it all!
[screams]
199
00:07:08,557 --> 00:07:10,093
I liked things
the way they were.
200
00:07:10,126 --> 00:07:12,899
I'm supposed to accept
that you had sex with Satan,
201
00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:14,001
or anyone?
202
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,605
Ha, tight burn!
203
00:07:15,638 --> 00:07:17,709
Fact, Chrissy,
all women were girls.
204
00:07:17,742 --> 00:07:19,779
All girls make choices,
and half of those are bad.
205
00:07:19,813 --> 00:07:23,052
So--so moving 14 times
in eight years wasn't for work?
206
00:07:23,086 --> 00:07:25,156
No, it was so your dad
couldn't track us,
207
00:07:25,190 --> 00:07:26,627
except when we left Vermont.
208
00:07:26,660 --> 00:07:27,929
I cannot deal
with those fucking hippies.
209
00:07:27,962 --> 00:07:29,633
Look, I was trying
to give you
210
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:31,503
some glimmer
of a normal childhood.
211
00:07:31,536 --> 00:07:32,872
Okay?
- Normal?
212
00:07:32,905 --> 00:07:35,010
Nothing's normal about my life!
Are you mental?
213
00:07:35,043 --> 00:07:38,116
I have no friends, and
I just exploded two bullies!
214
00:07:38,149 --> 00:07:39,919
Bullies?
Did they hurt you, Christina?
215
00:07:39,953 --> 00:07:40,955
Because if they did,
I swear to God--
216
00:07:40,988 --> 00:07:41,957
They're dead!
217
00:07:41,990 --> 00:07:43,493
[glass shattering]
218
00:07:43,527 --> 00:07:45,163
[tires skidding]
219
00:07:45,196 --> 00:07:47,000
Okay, they're dead, yes,
220
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,971
but in this family,
we don't dwell on the past.
221
00:07:49,004 --> 00:07:50,741
We look to the future,
and in our future,
222
00:07:50,775 --> 00:07:52,912
there's an Inuit
fishing village in Alaska
223
00:07:52,945 --> 00:07:55,818
that's so remote, it'll make
that ghost town in Wyoming
224
00:07:55,851 --> 00:07:58,489
look like Shanghai.
- No, no, not this time.
225
00:07:58,524 --> 00:08:00,961
No, I made my first friend,
and he's a boy,
226
00:08:00,995 --> 00:08:03,099
and he invited me
to my first party.
227
00:08:03,132 --> 00:08:04,569
And your vagina
just became
228
00:08:04,602 --> 00:08:06,072
a homing device
for the Prince of Darkness.
229
00:08:06,105 --> 00:08:08,276
My dad's not the one
who's been gaslighting me
230
00:08:08,309 --> 00:08:09,779
my entire life.
231
00:08:09,813 --> 00:08:11,616
Maybe I want him to find me.
232
00:08:11,650 --> 00:08:13,286
Oh, you better choose
your next words carefully.
233
00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:15,290
Come and get me, Satan!
234
00:08:15,323 --> 00:08:18,831
Oh, that is
what I didn't want you to say!
235
00:08:18,864 --> 00:08:20,601
We're packing, then leaving.
- Get off of me.
236
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,972
Oh, hey, Laur, I left
your sugar in the mailbox.
237
00:08:23,006 --> 00:08:25,143
Oh, God, what do you make
of this thing, huh?
238
00:08:25,176 --> 00:08:26,713
Biblical or the media?
239
00:08:26,747 --> 00:08:28,116
You never know
these days, Darlene.
240
00:08:28,149 --> 00:08:30,286
DARLENE: Yeah,
you never do know, do you?
241
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,255
You don't know anything...
CHRISSY: Let go of me!
242
00:08:31,288 --> 00:08:32,190
DARLENE: Until you know it.
- Get off of me!
243
00:08:32,224 --> 00:08:33,794
DARLENE: And then you don't--
- Come on!
244
00:08:33,827 --> 00:08:34,763
CHRISSY: Ah!
LAURA: Come on.
245
00:08:34,796 --> 00:08:35,998
CHRISSY: No!
- Come on.
246
00:08:36,032 --> 00:08:39,104
God! Everything you ever
told me is a lie.
247
00:08:39,138 --> 00:08:41,308
I lied to protect you, and
I don't regret it for a second.
248
00:08:41,342 --> 00:08:43,312
The only thing
I need protection from is you.
249
00:08:43,346 --> 00:08:45,083
Oh, you wouldn't last a day
in the real world without me.
250
00:08:45,116 --> 00:08:46,252
You're a bitch!
251
00:08:46,285 --> 00:08:47,688
And you're
an ungrateful asshole.
252
00:08:47,722 --> 00:08:49,191
- [screams]
- [gasps]
253
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,928
Touché.
254
00:08:50,961 --> 00:08:52,297
Now change your pants, sweetheart.
255
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,540
[wind whooshing]
256
00:08:56,573 --> 00:08:57,942
You banged the Devil
257
00:08:57,975 --> 00:09:00,781
'cause he's the only one
who would actually go there.
258
00:09:00,815 --> 00:09:02,652
Damn, that's what I should
have said to her.
259
00:09:02,685 --> 00:09:03,821
[gasps]
260
00:09:03,854 --> 00:09:05,891
We can take you away
from here.
261
00:09:05,925 --> 00:09:09,599
First, you must agree
to see your father.
262
00:09:09,632 --> 00:09:11,770
Oh, my dad sent you?
263
00:09:11,803 --> 00:09:13,807
If I agree to do that,
can I get a ride
264
00:09:13,841 --> 00:09:15,678
to the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike?
265
00:09:15,711 --> 00:09:17,214
That would not be an issue.
266
00:09:17,247 --> 00:09:19,051
Actually,
we are not authorized
267
00:09:19,084 --> 00:09:20,688
to make that promise,
268
00:09:20,721 --> 00:09:22,625
but nothing is off the table.
269
00:09:22,658 --> 00:09:25,931
Your father is well able
to provide.
270
00:09:25,965 --> 00:09:28,604
Okay.
I agree to see my father.
271
00:09:31,275 --> 00:09:33,680
[distant screaming]
272
00:09:35,951 --> 00:09:37,020
Whoa!
LAURA: I will not learn
273
00:09:37,053 --> 00:09:38,891
their names,
but you can bring one--
274
00:09:38,924 --> 00:09:42,130
[gunfire]
275
00:09:42,164 --> 00:09:43,232
Finished?
276
00:09:43,266 --> 00:09:46,071
Almost.
Last one's silver.
277
00:09:46,105 --> 00:09:48,309
[screams]
278
00:09:48,342 --> 00:09:49,311
No!
[thudding]
279
00:09:49,344 --> 00:09:50,648
Damn it!
280
00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:52,685
[sucks teeth]
Ugh.
281
00:09:52,718 --> 00:09:53,954
[cows moo, plop]
282
00:09:53,987 --> 00:09:57,728
[grunting]
283
00:09:57,762 --> 00:10:00,366
Aah--
284
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,805
no!
285
00:10:02,839 --> 00:10:05,644
You're not smashing me
until you look at me.
286
00:10:05,678 --> 00:10:06,713
Look at me!
287
00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:07,982
Piece of shit.
288
00:10:08,015 --> 00:10:09,719
You poser, Wiccan slut.
289
00:10:09,752 --> 00:10:12,390
Now raise your hand
if you fucked the Devil.
290
00:10:12,424 --> 00:10:16,365
Now keep your hand up if
you knew this day was coming.
291
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:19,973
Now let's go smash some shit
that makes a difference.
292
00:10:20,006 --> 00:10:22,979
[epic music]
293
00:10:23,012 --> 00:10:28,724
♪ ♪
294
00:10:28,757 --> 00:10:30,728
[mice squeaking]
295
00:10:30,761 --> 00:10:32,865
IRWIN: Good luck.
LAURA: Shut up, Irwin.
296
00:10:32,899 --> 00:10:34,301
[dramatic music plays]
297
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,207
It appears the black hole
has stopped sucking.
298
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,710
Some fact-thumping
scientist said
299
00:10:38,744 --> 00:10:39,946
that this hole
will suck forever.
300
00:10:39,979 --> 00:10:41,081
What a fucking joke.
301
00:10:41,115 --> 00:10:42,785
Now let's rock it out tonight
302
00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,989
at Shayla Rosenblatt's
birthday after-party!
303
00:10:45,023 --> 00:10:46,425
[cheering]
304
00:10:46,458 --> 00:10:48,931
Real estate inspector.
How about yourself?
305
00:10:48,964 --> 00:10:51,035
I purge the world
of demonic forces
306
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:53,774
for the supreme pontiff
of the universal church.
307
00:10:53,807 --> 00:10:55,243
Business trip?
Pleasure?
308
00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:57,180
They say do what you love.
[chuckles]
309
00:10:57,214 --> 00:10:59,284
And I love nothing more
than cutting out the heart
310
00:10:59,318 --> 00:11:01,890
of an adolescent girl
for monetary gain.
311
00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:04,394
Swap girl with drywall
and heart with mold damage,
312
00:11:04,428 --> 00:11:06,131
and we basically
have the same job.
313
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,935
[laughter]
314
00:11:07,969 --> 00:11:11,108
[suspenseful music]
315
00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:13,012
I think
her mother killed him.
316
00:11:13,045 --> 00:11:15,718
He was the best of us,
but we must move on.
317
00:11:15,751 --> 00:11:18,256
It's what [shriek]
would have wanted.
318
00:11:18,289 --> 00:11:20,293
And she says,
"I lied to protect you."
319
00:11:20,326 --> 00:11:22,063
- She sounds like a bitch.
- That's what I said.
320
00:11:22,097 --> 00:11:23,432
[dramatic chord]
321
00:11:23,466 --> 00:11:24,736
Huh?
322
00:11:24,769 --> 00:11:26,840
DEVIL: It's been prophesized
323
00:11:26,873 --> 00:11:28,777
since time began.
ALL: Whoo!
324
00:11:28,810 --> 00:11:31,081
DEVIL: And now,
they are finally united,
325
00:11:31,115 --> 00:11:32,985
the dastardly duo
326
00:11:33,019 --> 00:11:36,191
who will alter the universe
for the rest of time.
327
00:11:36,225 --> 00:11:38,362
[engine revving,
tires screeching]
328
00:11:38,396 --> 00:11:41,468
Come to your father, Damien.
329
00:11:43,239 --> 00:11:45,310
Not getting a Damien vibe.
330
00:11:46,746 --> 00:11:48,449
Huh, you're a girl.
331
00:11:48,482 --> 00:11:50,854
The future is female!
332
00:11:50,888 --> 00:11:52,490
I support and believe you.
333
00:11:52,525 --> 00:11:55,230
Wait, hold on, you'll
like this man suit better.
334
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,739
Congrats
on shedding first blood!
335
00:11:59,772 --> 00:12:02,444
Ew! Can everyone please stop
talking about my period?
336
00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:04,381
Oh, God.
No, gross.
337
00:12:04,414 --> 00:12:05,985
Did your mom tell you that?
[glass breaking]
338
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:07,888
I'm talking
about the teens you murdered.
339
00:12:07,922 --> 00:12:09,525
- I didn't mean to.
- Don't let other people's
340
00:12:09,559 --> 00:12:12,798
moral laws make you think
what you did was wrong.
341
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:16,005
Together, you and I can
create a future without rules,
342
00:12:16,038 --> 00:12:17,975
where you can
call your own shots,
343
00:12:18,009 --> 00:12:20,179
live the life you want to live.
344
00:12:20,213 --> 00:12:21,983
Thoughts?
- Yeah, I've got thoughts.
345
00:12:22,017 --> 00:12:23,486
Where have you been
my whole life?
346
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,423
And what do I have
that you suddenly want?
347
00:12:25,456 --> 00:12:28,062
Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad.
You were stolen.
348
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,768
And I couldn't find you until
you came into your powers.
349
00:12:30,801 --> 00:12:34,007
There are these fucking
cosmic laws I can't break.
350
00:12:34,041 --> 00:12:35,376
That's why I'm not in hell.
351
00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:37,815
- Wait, this isn't hell?
- Shit, no.
352
00:12:37,848 --> 00:12:40,119
This is the metaphysical realm.
353
00:12:40,153 --> 00:12:41,790
CHRISSY: Hmm, fancy.
[swing music playing]
354
00:12:41,823 --> 00:12:43,894
DEVIL:
Hipsters call it the Fringe,
355
00:12:43,927 --> 00:12:46,065
which makes me want
to punch a hole in my face.
356
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:49,104
It's like the central hub
for all unearthly realms.
357
00:12:49,137 --> 00:12:50,473
Think port authority,
358
00:12:50,507 --> 00:12:53,179
but with much, much,
much more urine
359
00:12:53,212 --> 00:12:54,816
and fewer bomb threats.
360
00:12:54,849 --> 00:12:56,285
So if I call the shots,
361
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,955
does that mean I don't have
to listen to anyone?
362
00:12:57,989 --> 00:12:59,291
Look at that guy.
363
00:12:59,324 --> 00:13:01,428
He's got a bird head,
and he craps bubbles.
364
00:13:01,462 --> 00:13:03,065
I thought that was pretty cool.
365
00:13:03,099 --> 00:13:04,267
What's your name, by the way?
366
00:13:04,301 --> 00:13:05,938
Christina.
367
00:13:05,971 --> 00:13:07,240
Course she named you that.
368
00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:09,411
And I'm like,
"Oh, okay, Rhonda,
369
00:13:09,444 --> 00:13:11,415
"so you're saying
a black hole's the reason
370
00:13:11,448 --> 00:13:13,553
your husband's been cheating
on you for three years?"
371
00:13:13,587 --> 00:13:15,123
Oh, hey,
did you get in touch
372
00:13:15,156 --> 00:13:16,993
with that guy
I told you about, Eric?
373
00:13:17,027 --> 00:13:19,899
He's sweet and rich
and a geropsychologist.
374
00:13:19,932 --> 00:13:21,135
Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog
375
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,905
than be in a relationship, Darlene.
376
00:13:22,938 --> 00:13:24,474
DARLENE: Lambskin?
What are you, a druid?
377
00:13:24,509 --> 00:13:25,978
You're so retro.
378
00:13:26,011 --> 00:13:27,414
Oh, but that should
come in handy tonight
379
00:13:27,447 --> 00:13:29,318
for Shayla Rosenblatt's
birthday after-party.
380
00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:30,821
I'm bringing frosé.
381
00:13:30,854 --> 00:13:32,525
Whoo, you're jacked!
382
00:13:32,558 --> 00:13:35,229
Seriously, you got
the body of a convict.
383
00:13:35,263 --> 00:13:36,599
Oh, and you use it for storage.
384
00:13:36,633 --> 00:13:38,402
I'm going
into the metaphysical realm
385
00:13:38,436 --> 00:13:40,039
to kill the Devil
and get my daughter,
386
00:13:40,073 --> 00:13:41,976
and I need you to watch
my body while I'm gone.
387
00:13:42,010 --> 00:13:43,613
If this works...
DARLENE: Oh, wow.
388
00:13:43,647 --> 00:13:45,283
I'm gonna look
like I'm dead, okay?
389
00:13:45,316 --> 00:13:46,953
But technically, I won't be.
390
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:49,191
If it doesn't work,
I will just look and be dead.
391
00:13:49,224 --> 00:13:50,928
Jesus.
Do you know what you're doing?
392
00:13:50,961 --> 00:13:53,232
[shouting incantation]
393
00:13:53,265 --> 00:13:55,069
Okay, but when
are you coming back?
394
00:13:55,103 --> 00:13:57,107
Okay. All right.
I'll just wait here.
395
00:14:00,313 --> 00:14:01,916
[distant screeching]
396
00:14:01,950 --> 00:14:03,419
- Ah--[farts]
- [laughs]
397
00:14:07,394 --> 00:14:09,031
[chuckles]
398
00:14:09,064 --> 00:14:11,301
[groaning]
399
00:14:11,335 --> 00:14:13,607
[Laura screaming]
400
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:15,109
[gasps]
401
00:14:15,143 --> 00:14:16,513
Holy shit, that was painful.
402
00:14:16,546 --> 00:14:18,917
[speaking language]
403
00:14:18,950 --> 00:14:20,453
[epic music]
404
00:14:20,486 --> 00:14:21,455
[coughs]
405
00:14:21,488 --> 00:14:28,537
♪ ♪
406
00:14:29,271 --> 00:14:30,541
[gunshot]
- [screeches]
407
00:14:33,479 --> 00:14:36,452
[action music]
408
00:14:36,485 --> 00:14:43,432
♪ ♪
409
00:14:46,105 --> 00:14:47,508
[creature snarls]
410
00:14:47,541 --> 00:14:49,077
[roars]
411
00:14:54,121 --> 00:14:56,993
Hey, everybody.
This is my daughter.
412
00:14:57,026 --> 00:14:59,030
Kiss her ass, or
I'll slaughter your children.
413
00:14:59,064 --> 00:15:01,636
- Proud of you!
- Hey, let's have a drink.
414
00:15:01,669 --> 00:15:02,938
I know,
now you're thinking,
415
00:15:02,972 --> 00:15:04,976
is he a dad
or just a cool friend?
416
00:15:05,009 --> 00:15:06,546
I was thinking
that you're trying too hard.
417
00:15:06,579 --> 00:15:08,215
Is that track lighting?
418
00:15:08,249 --> 00:15:10,086
We're still--
it's a work in progress.
419
00:15:10,119 --> 00:15:12,424
Snake with Arms,
a round of something spicy.
420
00:15:12,457 --> 00:15:14,161
Speaking of spicy,
how's your mom?
421
00:15:14,194 --> 00:15:15,964
Is she still an alcoholic?
- Huh?
422
00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:17,968
- She fucked a lamp once.
- I'm not interested--
423
00:15:18,002 --> 00:15:19,404
wait, what?
- Look, she doesn't get you.
424
00:15:19,438 --> 00:15:21,375
I do.
You're a teen.
425
00:15:21,408 --> 00:15:23,145
You shouldn't be living
on the lam.
426
00:15:23,179 --> 00:15:26,452
You should be planting roots,
doing normal teen things.
427
00:15:26,485 --> 00:15:28,690
Really?
Cool, because the beast guys
428
00:15:28,723 --> 00:15:29,992
you sent said you'd be down
429
00:15:30,026 --> 00:15:31,128
to give me a ride
to the abandoned--
430
00:15:31,161 --> 00:15:33,265
The abandoned Taco Chateau?
Blam-o!
431
00:15:39,277 --> 00:15:41,248
Wow,
you're actually kind of okay.
432
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:43,252
A toast before you head out.
433
00:15:43,285 --> 00:15:45,323
To my frickin'
amazing daughter.
434
00:15:45,356 --> 00:15:47,460
Oh, well, thanks, Dad.
435
00:15:47,494 --> 00:15:48,697
To your future,
436
00:15:48,730 --> 00:15:51,468
and to consenting
to join as sire and seed,
437
00:15:51,503 --> 00:15:53,205
reclaiming
the infernal sovereign--
438
00:15:53,239 --> 00:15:54,709
- Ah, there it is.
- What?
439
00:15:54,742 --> 00:15:57,013
Your lame attempt to trap me
in your binding agreement.
440
00:15:57,046 --> 00:15:59,752
Oh, no, no.
It's not lame at all.
441
00:15:59,785 --> 00:16:02,157
It's called Maximus Dawnus.
442
00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:04,227
And when we carry it
out together,
443
00:16:04,261 --> 00:16:06,064
it'll let us fold
all the realms
444
00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:09,539
into one big, way more
powerful, lawless universe.
445
00:16:09,572 --> 00:16:13,479
It'll be like an anarchistic
socialist utopia.
446
00:16:13,513 --> 00:16:15,717
That sounds cool, right?
- Uh-huh.
447
00:16:15,751 --> 00:16:16,753
[roars]
448
00:16:16,786 --> 00:16:19,057
[dramatic music]
449
00:16:19,090 --> 00:16:20,092
Mom?
450
00:16:20,126 --> 00:16:22,698
♪ ♪
451
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,301
[growls]
452
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:26,371
Remember me, motherfucker?
453
00:16:26,405 --> 00:16:28,175
- How could I forget?
- Mom, how did you--
454
00:16:28,209 --> 00:16:31,248
You bulked up--
in a good way, in a good way.
455
00:16:31,281 --> 00:16:33,185
13 years preparing
for the day
456
00:16:33,219 --> 00:16:36,458
this rotting chode would make
his play and bridge our worlds.
457
00:16:36,491 --> 00:16:38,362
You're welcome
for giving you a higher calling
458
00:16:38,395 --> 00:16:40,767
than robotripping
in tequila-soaked tampons.
459
00:16:40,801 --> 00:16:42,237
Coming from a guy
who pretended
460
00:16:42,270 --> 00:16:44,709
to be someone else
for six goddamn months.
461
00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:47,447
You gaslit the wrong bitch.
[grunts]
462
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,585
[gunfire]
463
00:16:49,619 --> 00:16:50,587
Brain shot.
464
00:16:50,621 --> 00:16:51,623
Get it, girl.
465
00:16:51,656 --> 00:16:54,394
[both grunting]
466
00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:55,463
Head smash.
- Oh, my God.
467
00:16:55,496 --> 00:16:56,498
Who are you?
468
00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:59,271
- [growls]
- Fuck you.
469
00:16:59,304 --> 00:17:01,341
DEVIL: What do you think
you're gonna do, kill me?
470
00:17:01,375 --> 00:17:04,615
I'm not Dracula.
I'm the goddamn Devil.
471
00:17:04,649 --> 00:17:07,420
You got about as much chance
of laying a finger on me as--
472
00:17:07,453 --> 00:17:09,424
- [grunts]
- Ow! What was that?
473
00:17:09,457 --> 00:17:10,761
Oil of Abramelin
474
00:17:10,794 --> 00:17:13,098
blessed by an uncircumcised
Kabbalist rabbi.
475
00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,100
- What?
- Mom!
476
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,069
And if he thought that hurt,
477
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,471
he's gonna love this
478
00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:17,473
goat's horn shoved up his dick!
479
00:17:17,508 --> 00:17:19,745
Help! Kill her!
480
00:17:19,779 --> 00:17:23,219
[moans weakly]
481
00:17:23,252 --> 00:17:25,489
Oh, what a fucking woman.
482
00:17:25,524 --> 00:17:27,093
Weren't you about
to shove something up my dick?
483
00:17:27,126 --> 00:17:28,395
No one tells Mama what to do.
484
00:17:28,429 --> 00:17:29,665
Ugh.
485
00:17:29,699 --> 00:17:31,502
[both grunt]
486
00:17:31,536 --> 00:17:33,573
You're a washed-up,
desperate con artist
487
00:17:33,607 --> 00:17:35,409
begging for a little girl
to sign his stupid pact
488
00:17:35,443 --> 00:17:36,646
to make him feel big again.
489
00:17:36,679 --> 00:17:38,315
No, no, no, no, no.
No dick hole.
490
00:17:38,349 --> 00:17:40,821
You want to talk
about desperation?
491
00:17:40,854 --> 00:17:43,860
Don't let the job of mother
go to your head.
492
00:17:43,893 --> 00:17:47,835
You left your whole life
behind to raise my spawn.
493
00:17:47,868 --> 00:17:50,373
- Dad, stop!
- You're nothing special.
494
00:17:50,406 --> 00:17:52,110
You're just a vessel.
CHRISSY: Hello?
495
00:17:52,143 --> 00:17:53,445
Does anyone even hear me?
496
00:17:53,479 --> 00:17:55,116
You think I felt special?
497
00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:57,420
[speaking language]
498
00:17:57,453 --> 00:18:00,393
Your magic jizz ruined my life.
You're lucky I didn't kill it.
499
00:18:00,426 --> 00:18:02,130
DEVIL: You're lucky
it didn't kill itself,
500
00:18:02,163 --> 00:18:03,399
being shackled to you
501
00:18:03,432 --> 00:18:05,169
for 13 years.
CHRISSY: Fuck this.
502
00:18:05,202 --> 00:18:06,405
LAURA: Well,
once she gets to know you,
503
00:18:06,438 --> 00:18:07,675
I'm sure she'll jump
at the chance
504
00:18:07,708 --> 00:18:08,810
to slit your wrists.
505
00:18:08,843 --> 00:18:10,814
I don't bleed, bitch.
506
00:18:10,847 --> 00:18:13,553
Gross-ass parents.
They don't care about me.
507
00:18:13,586 --> 00:18:15,857
Well, I don't care about them.
508
00:18:15,891 --> 00:18:18,429
Actually, I don't care
about anything.
509
00:18:18,462 --> 00:18:20,433
[upbeat music playing]
510
00:18:20,466 --> 00:18:24,875
A toast to my parents
for fucking me up, huh?
511
00:18:24,909 --> 00:18:26,613
[gulps, burps]
512
00:18:26,646 --> 00:18:27,681
PARTY GUEST 1: That slaps.
513
00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:29,150
[burps]
514
00:18:29,184 --> 00:18:31,623
New girl is
spicing this party up.
515
00:18:31,656 --> 00:18:33,893
We love that you don't care
what anyone thinks.
516
00:18:33,927 --> 00:18:35,631
Slay, honey.
[trills]
517
00:18:35,664 --> 00:18:38,302
Slay I shall.
518
00:18:38,335 --> 00:18:40,306
Benny!
Bennigan, hey!
519
00:18:40,339 --> 00:18:42,310
Chrissy!
Wow, you made it.
520
00:18:42,343 --> 00:18:43,445
- Ha!
- You left so quickly
521
00:18:43,479 --> 00:18:44,582
after you murdered
those two bullies,
522
00:18:44,615 --> 00:18:45,851
I never got a chance
to thank you.
523
00:18:45,884 --> 00:18:47,855
So thank you.
- Pssh, no thanks necessary.
524
00:18:47,888 --> 00:18:49,457
Totes my pleash.
[Ben chuckles]
525
00:18:49,491 --> 00:18:52,865
I hope the rest of your day
was less explosive.
526
00:18:52,898 --> 00:18:54,935
[laughs]
527
00:18:54,969 --> 00:18:58,175
Yep, it was, unless you count
the explosion of flavor
528
00:18:58,208 --> 00:19:00,446
in my homemade muffins.
CHRISSY: Oh!
529
00:19:00,479 --> 00:19:01,716
But in a more literal sense,
530
00:19:01,749 --> 00:19:03,252
no, it was just
that one explosion.
531
00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:04,655
You?
- Some ups, some downs.
532
00:19:04,689 --> 00:19:07,460
You know, I just found out
my dad's not really dead.
533
00:19:07,493 --> 00:19:09,364
My mom doesn't give
two shits about me.
534
00:19:09,397 --> 00:19:10,867
The last 13 years of my life,
535
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:13,205
I've been a pawn in
their fucked-up relationship.
536
00:19:13,238 --> 00:19:14,742
I rode on a carriage
537
00:19:14,775 --> 00:19:17,881
made from the flesh of two
mutated krakens to get here,
538
00:19:17,915 --> 00:19:19,785
and I wish I was never born.
539
00:19:19,819 --> 00:19:22,658
But otherwise, a great day.
540
00:19:22,691 --> 00:19:25,664
Well, if I had a wish,
I'd cancel your wish
541
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:27,801
because I think it's
pretty great you were born.
542
00:19:27,835 --> 00:19:30,406
Aw. Thanks, Bennigan.
543
00:19:30,439 --> 00:19:32,477
- You feeling better?
- Better than better.
544
00:19:32,511 --> 00:19:34,682
I'm the motherfucking
Antichrist!
545
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:36,853
[cheering]
546
00:19:38,957 --> 00:19:42,230
Listen carefully, do not
leave your trash in this van.
547
00:19:42,263 --> 00:19:43,499
It is a rental.
548
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:44,902
Now, let's gut this child
549
00:19:44,935 --> 00:19:47,941
and wear her entrails
as a scarf.
550
00:19:47,975 --> 00:19:49,779
I should have chosen
your whore sister.
551
00:19:49,812 --> 00:19:51,248
[peeps]
552
00:19:51,281 --> 00:19:52,851
Oh, fuck.
553
00:19:52,885 --> 00:19:54,254
Hold up.
Time out.
554
00:19:54,287 --> 00:19:55,657
Look.
555
00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:57,528
How did Chrissy
get back to Earth?
556
00:19:57,561 --> 00:19:59,464
That's not the problem.
This is.
557
00:19:59,497 --> 00:20:02,938
These asshats are mercenaries
hired to dispose of demons.
558
00:20:02,971 --> 00:20:04,909
They're gonna kill Chrissy
if we don't stop them.
559
00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:05,944
"We"?
Fuck you.
560
00:20:05,977 --> 00:20:07,413
Let's stop measuring dicks
561
00:20:07,447 --> 00:20:08,449
for our daughter's sake.
562
00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,419
I need a cadaver,
but fresh,
563
00:20:10,453 --> 00:20:11,989
like between a finger twitch
and a bowel release.
564
00:20:12,023 --> 00:20:13,526
Wait a minute,
when we dated,
565
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,929
were you inside
someone's corpse?
566
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:16,799
And you had
an unfinished dolphin tattoo.
567
00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:18,803
Don't be a snob.
- [gags]
568
00:20:18,837 --> 00:20:20,272
Gerald's gonna be
at that party,
569
00:20:20,306 --> 00:20:21,709
and I don't care
if he just had knee surgery
570
00:20:21,743 --> 00:20:23,011
'cause I'm about to hit that!
571
00:20:23,045 --> 00:20:25,751
- [screams]
- Oh, my gosh!
572
00:20:25,784 --> 00:20:27,554
Well, welcome back.
You should take a shower.
573
00:20:27,588 --> 00:20:28,990
You smell like rot.
- [sighs]
574
00:20:29,023 --> 00:20:30,594
Where the hell
am I gonna find a cadaver?
575
00:20:30,627 --> 00:20:32,564
There's only so far
I'll go for you, Laura.
576
00:20:32,598 --> 00:20:33,867
I'll see you at the party.
577
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,737
Okay, he better have
health insurance too
578
00:20:35,771 --> 00:20:37,407
'cause I'm gonna
tear that back up.
579
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:40,847
[ominous music]
580
00:20:40,881 --> 00:20:43,419
[upbeat music playing]
581
00:20:43,452 --> 00:20:44,622
[music stops]
582
00:20:44,655 --> 00:20:46,291
PARTY GUEST 1:
Oh, God, watch out!
583
00:20:46,324 --> 00:20:47,728
PARTY GUEST 2: Is it, like,
cloak season or something?
584
00:20:47,761 --> 00:20:48,830
PARTY GUEST 3:
Push your way to the front.
585
00:20:48,863 --> 00:20:51,836
CHIEF:
At last we meet, vile beast.
586
00:20:51,869 --> 00:20:53,840
I've waited my entire career
587
00:20:53,873 --> 00:20:56,712
to watch the life drain
from your hideous eyes
588
00:20:56,746 --> 00:20:58,583
and put an end
to your father's plan.
589
00:20:58,616 --> 00:21:00,720
PARTY GUEST 1: Get a real job!
- I am well paid!
590
00:21:00,754 --> 00:21:03,459
I don't think you know
who you're dealing with, Chief.
591
00:21:03,492 --> 00:21:05,396
Piss quick.
Your pants are on fire.
592
00:21:05,429 --> 00:21:07,500
Oh, oh, oh!
[cheering]
593
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,972
Smoke if you got 'em.
594
00:21:10,005 --> 00:21:12,376
Here you go, Sparky.
595
00:21:12,410 --> 00:21:13,913
Fire it up, baby!
596
00:21:13,947 --> 00:21:15,517
[ominous music]
597
00:21:15,550 --> 00:21:17,453
What the hell?
[grunts]
598
00:21:17,487 --> 00:21:18,857
What is this?
599
00:21:18,890 --> 00:21:21,863
And now,
the real suffering begins.
600
00:21:21,896 --> 00:21:24,000
- Leave her alone!
- Bennigan.
601
00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:26,471
I have a gut feeling
I'll be okay.
602
00:21:26,506 --> 00:21:28,375
PARTY GUEST 4:
This party just got lame.
603
00:21:28,408 --> 00:21:30,479
Deceiver, dark one,
604
00:21:30,514 --> 00:21:33,085
thou shall be cast into...
605
00:21:33,118 --> 00:21:35,489
[emotionally]
Wow, sorry.
606
00:21:35,524 --> 00:21:37,026
It's like, you stand here
607
00:21:37,059 --> 00:21:39,364
holding the ceremonial knife
with this Antichrist--
608
00:21:39,397 --> 00:21:40,032
PARTY GUEST 5:
Who gives a shit?
609
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:41,636
I do.
610
00:21:41,669 --> 00:21:44,642
And I am your final judgment.
611
00:21:44,675 --> 00:21:45,610
[gunshot]
[crowd gasping]
612
00:21:45,644 --> 00:21:46,612
[moaning]
613
00:21:46,646 --> 00:21:47,915
Why?
614
00:21:47,948 --> 00:21:50,620
DEVIL: Comedy.
[gunshot]
615
00:21:50,654 --> 00:21:52,891
Get your hands
off my daughter.
616
00:21:52,925 --> 00:21:54,795
DEVIL: Our daughter.
- Oh, great.
617
00:21:54,829 --> 00:21:56,031
My parents are here.
618
00:21:56,064 --> 00:21:59,505
Hi, honey. I'm a chicken now.
619
00:21:59,538 --> 00:22:00,774
[clucking]
620
00:22:00,807 --> 00:22:03,780
[sinister music]
621
00:22:03,813 --> 00:22:04,782
♪ ♪
622
00:22:04,815 --> 00:22:05,917
[gunshot]
623
00:22:05,951 --> 00:22:07,521
♪ ♪
624
00:22:07,554 --> 00:22:09,525
[gunshot]
HENCHMAN 1: [groans]
625
00:22:09,558 --> 00:22:10,727
[gunshot]
HENCHMAN 2: Ow!
626
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,430
[gunshot]
HENCHMAN 3: Aah!
627
00:22:12,463 --> 00:22:14,668
[gunshot]
HENCHMAN 4: Oh!
628
00:22:14,702 --> 00:22:15,637
HENCHMAN 5:
I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.
629
00:22:15,670 --> 00:22:17,073
[gunshots]
630
00:22:19,578 --> 00:22:20,847
Really, that's all you got?
631
00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:22,784
I made a dozen guys
shoot their dicks off.
632
00:22:22,818 --> 00:22:24,722
PARTY GUEST 6:
And one vagina!
633
00:22:24,755 --> 00:22:25,724
[grunts]
634
00:22:25,757 --> 00:22:26,993
[laughs]
Whoo!
635
00:22:27,026 --> 00:22:28,530
Now, we're having fun.
636
00:22:28,563 --> 00:22:30,600
We're like The Incredibles
but gross.
637
00:22:30,634 --> 00:22:34,542
- With my last breath, let--
- [grunt]
638
00:22:34,575 --> 00:22:38,081
I will get my revenge.
You shall pay!
639
00:22:38,115 --> 00:22:40,554
Has anyone seen
the tip of my dick?
640
00:22:40,587 --> 00:22:42,089
PARTY GUEST: If my parents
ever show up to a party,
641
00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:44,127
murder me with a knife.
642
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,830
What is middle school
643
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:48,570
but Sisyphus pretending
to love the boulder?
644
00:22:48,603 --> 00:22:49,939
See you at the bottom
of the hill tomorrow, new girl.
645
00:22:49,972 --> 00:22:52,578
- That was so deep.
- My sister had Sisyphus.
646
00:22:52,611 --> 00:22:53,713
See you tomorrow!
647
00:22:53,746 --> 00:22:55,482
Boy, did we have
a meet-weird, right?
648
00:22:55,517 --> 00:22:56,953
Like it was a meet-cute,
649
00:22:56,986 --> 00:22:59,123
but it was weird
'cause of all the carnage!
650
00:22:59,157 --> 00:23:00,560
Chrissy, are you hurt?
651
00:23:00,594 --> 00:23:01,862
Don't worry. Daddy's here.
652
00:23:01,896 --> 00:23:03,465
Oh, I'll show you
what I do to Daddy.
653
00:23:03,498 --> 00:23:04,835
Just fucking stop it!
654
00:23:04,868 --> 00:23:06,639
This was the worst day
of my life,
655
00:23:06,672 --> 00:23:09,578
and it was because of you two
self-centered assholes.
656
00:23:09,612 --> 00:23:11,983
If you want your sire and seed
or whatever
657
00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,519
and you actually
want a daughter,
658
00:23:13,553 --> 00:23:15,489
know that
I'm calling the shots now.
659
00:23:15,523 --> 00:23:17,126
Got it?
Got it?
660
00:23:17,159 --> 00:23:18,596
- Yeah, got it. Cool your jets.
- Yeah, fine. We got it.
661
00:23:18,630 --> 00:23:20,165
Mom, I'm going
to school tomorrow.
662
00:23:20,199 --> 00:23:21,468
No more running.
663
00:23:21,502 --> 00:23:23,438
And, Dad, I don't trust you,
664
00:23:23,472 --> 00:23:25,510
but I want to get to know you,
but slowly,
665
00:23:25,543 --> 00:23:27,113
like every other weekend.
666
00:23:27,146 --> 00:23:29,518
Every other?
That's a little weak.
667
00:23:29,551 --> 00:23:30,587
God damn it!
668
00:23:30,620 --> 00:23:32,624
We got time to negotiate.
669
00:23:32,658 --> 00:23:34,862
Now, who wants pancakes?
670
00:23:34,895 --> 00:23:36,131
[gunshot]
[clucks]
671
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:40,172
[air hissing]
672
00:23:40,205 --> 00:23:42,978
Well,
now you've met your father.
673
00:23:51,696 --> 00:23:52,898
DEVIL: No, not yet.
674
00:23:52,931 --> 00:23:54,635
Her mother's stronger
than I thought.
675
00:23:54,668 --> 00:23:56,505
But hey, who cares?
676
00:23:56,539 --> 00:23:58,475
My daughter's
gonna join me soon,
677
00:23:58,509 --> 00:24:01,515
and then I'll be top shit
for eternity.
678
00:24:01,549 --> 00:24:04,020
But I just got
to be patient, you know?
679
00:24:04,053 --> 00:24:05,757
And I'm a patient guy.
680
00:24:05,790 --> 00:24:07,628
I wrote the book on patience.
681
00:24:07,661 --> 00:24:09,765
Got all the time in the world.
682
00:24:09,798 --> 00:24:12,003
[dramatic musical sting]
683
00:24:16,712 --> 00:24:19,551
[eerie musical sting]
684
00:24:19,585 --> 00:24:22,658
Just wanted to let you know
that I left some sanitary pads
685
00:24:22,691 --> 00:24:25,062
near where the bathroom sink
used to be.
686
00:24:25,095 --> 00:24:26,832
[clears throat]
687
00:24:26,866 --> 00:24:30,607
Oh, and hey, that thing I said
about my life being ruined,
688
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,043
I was a mess before I had you.
689
00:24:32,076 --> 00:24:34,180
That's sort of how I had you,
690
00:24:34,213 --> 00:24:37,654
so yeah,
you didn't ruin anything.
691
00:24:37,688 --> 00:24:40,960
You made me better, okay?
692
00:24:40,994 --> 00:24:44,100
I love you. Night.
693
00:24:44,133 --> 00:24:45,202
[scoffs]
694
00:24:45,235 --> 00:24:48,208
[ominous music]
695
00:24:48,241 --> 00:24:53,519
♪ ♪
696
00:24:56,826 --> 00:24:59,197
LAURA: My little baby girl
is all grown up.
697
00:24:59,230 --> 00:25:01,836
Time for Mama to grow up too.
698
00:25:01,869 --> 00:25:02,938
No more running.
699
00:25:02,971 --> 00:25:04,040
IRWIN: I never thought I'd hear
700
00:25:04,073 --> 00:25:06,579
the Laura Feinberg
say those words.
701
00:25:06,612 --> 00:25:08,048
Oh, it is creepy
when you come out
702
00:25:08,081 --> 00:25:09,551
of the shadows
like that, Irwin.
703
00:25:09,585 --> 00:25:11,121
I don't control
the lighting in here.
704
00:25:11,154 --> 00:25:12,557
You do.
LAURA: You know,
705
00:25:12,591 --> 00:25:14,728
maybe Mama wasn't running
from the Devil.
706
00:25:14,762 --> 00:25:18,135
Maybe Mama was running
from being a real mama.
707
00:25:18,168 --> 00:25:20,974
Uh, okay.
708
00:25:21,007 --> 00:25:24,247
So if Mama's not running,
what's next on the docket?
709
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,717
LAURA: I don't know.
710
00:25:25,750 --> 00:25:28,221
What do people do
in the suburbs anyway, huh?
711
00:25:28,255 --> 00:25:31,227
Rake leaves?
Start book clubs?
712
00:25:31,261 --> 00:25:33,131
Walk into the ocean
and drown themselves?
713
00:25:33,165 --> 00:25:35,135
I mean...
714
00:25:35,169 --> 00:25:37,574
Hey.
You want to watch Con Air?
715
00:25:37,607 --> 00:25:39,712
You read Mama's mind.
716
00:25:39,745 --> 00:25:41,816
["Be Thankful You're You"
by Fern Jones]
717
00:25:41,849 --> 00:25:43,686
SINGER: ♪ And know that ♪
718
00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:48,896
♪ Your talents are few ♪
719
00:25:48,930 --> 00:25:52,838
♪ Just use the one talent ♪
720
00:25:52,871 --> 00:25:56,311
♪ On you he bestowed ♪
721
00:25:56,344 --> 00:25:58,783
♪ Be thankful ♪
722
00:25:58,816 --> 00:26:01,756
♪ Be thankful you're you ♪
723
00:26:01,806 --> 00:26:06,356
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