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1
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,851
- What's that?
- Condoms.
2
00:00:28,540 --> 00:00:31,134
I prefer Weetabix.
3
00:00:32,340 --> 00:00:35,616
It's for Michael.
I found a condom hidden in his wallet.
4
00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:39,375
- What were you doing in his wallet?
- Don't pry, Ben.
5
00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:44,614
Michael's at an age now where sex is an
issue. I want him to talk about it.
6
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:48,329
And so he will, in 20 years' time,
to a therapist.
7
00:00:48,420 --> 00:00:51,492
There's nothing wrong with bringing
things out in to the open.
8
00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:56,654
Oh, yes... like you oh so casually
left these sex manuals around for Nick.
9
00:00:56,740 --> 00:00:59,379
They were for you.
10
00:01:00,580 --> 00:01:02,411
- Morning, dear.
- Morning.
11
00:01:21,180 --> 00:01:22,738
Don't look at me.
12
00:01:25,060 --> 00:01:27,654
- Michael, where are you going?
- Bolivia.
13
00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:31,495
Well, at least we're talking.
14
00:01:31,580 --> 00:01:33,935
Fell off the toilet seat.
15
00:01:35,020 --> 00:01:36,738
Again.
16
00:01:36,820 --> 00:01:38,936
- You promised to fix that toilet.
- I did.
17
00:01:39,020 --> 00:01:43,298
- When did you fix it?
- I haven't. I meant I did promise to fix it.
18
00:01:43,380 --> 00:01:45,655
- That toilet is a deathtrap.
- (Phone rings)
19
00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:48,698
- I'll fix it today.
- Too late. I've already been today.
20
00:01:48,780 --> 00:01:51,453
- Please!
- Hello.
21
00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:56,056
Yes. I see.
22
00:01:57,460 --> 00:01:59,371
All right.
23
00:01:59,460 --> 00:02:02,054
- Who was that?
- Shut up!
24
00:02:03,620 --> 00:02:05,212
How is your mother?
25
00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:12,052
- She's invited herself for dinner tonight.
- Oh, d... No!
26
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:16,409
(Rants)
27
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:19,779
No!
28
00:02:23,540 --> 00:02:25,576
I don't like it any more than you do.
29
00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:28,299
Neither do I.
30
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:30,735
So let's just try to make the best of it.
31
00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,776
Oh, yes. OK. Jolly good.
32
00:02:32,860 --> 00:02:36,330
I'll write it down on the board.
Dinner with the devil.
33
00:02:36,420 --> 00:02:38,809
She can't be that bad.
34
00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:42,051
Hmm... She's like Susan.
With 20 years more experience.
35
00:02:42,140 --> 00:02:46,497
Ha ha ha... Don't even think
about trying to get out of it.
36
00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:47,899
I need you to be here.
37
00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:52,895
- Why me? She hates me.
- Exactly. You can draw her fire.
38
00:02:54,340 --> 00:02:57,412
Ben, do you have a moment?
39
00:02:57,500 --> 00:03:00,094
I seem to have a problem,
and I need your advice.
40
00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:03,411
Get out of dentistry
while you're still young.
41
00:03:03,500 --> 00:03:09,655
(Laughs) Didn't I tell you
he was clever, Mrs Gurney?
42
00:03:09,740 --> 00:03:12,652
I've told her all about
the famous Ben Harper wit.
43
00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:15,208
(Chuckles)
44
00:03:15,300 --> 00:03:19,930
Yes, well... Mrs Gurney is complaining
that her dentures don't fit,
45
00:03:20,020 --> 00:03:24,616
- but they seem to fit fine.
- Oh, they fit in my mouth all right.
46
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:29,251
- It's just they don't fit in my glass.
- What?
47
00:03:29,340 --> 00:03:32,332
Get yourself a bigger glass.
48
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,775
Oh, thank you.
49
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:40,088
I told you he was good.
50
00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:43,179
I owe you one.
51
00:03:43,260 --> 00:03:47,048
Actually, Roger,
there is something you can do for me.
52
00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:52,458
Anything, Ben. You just name it.
If you need a kidney, it's yours.
53
00:03:52,540 --> 00:03:56,818
It's fine, Roger.
I just need you to tell a teeny lie for me.
54
00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:59,368
- Oh, I couldn't lie.
- You said, anything.
55
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:02,532
Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I?
56
00:04:04,060 --> 00:04:06,051
This presents quite a dilemma.
57
00:04:06,140 --> 00:04:09,337
Are you sure you don't need a kidney?
I've got two.
58
00:04:09,420 --> 00:04:13,652
Look, Roger. It's not a lie-lie.
It's more of a story-lie.
59
00:04:13,740 --> 00:04:16,300
I need you to call at exactly 6:30
this evening
60
00:04:16,380 --> 00:04:19,053
and tell me there's an emergency
at the surgery.
61
00:04:19,140 --> 00:04:22,132
If there's an emergency,
I'm sure I can handle it.
62
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,972
No, no. Not a real one.
63
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:27,735
Thank goodness.
I don't think I could have handled it.
64
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,370
- You hear the phone ring?
- No. Did you?
65
00:04:33,460 --> 00:04:34,859
No, no.
66
00:04:35,940 --> 00:04:38,090
Can't be too sure, though, can you?
67
00:04:38,180 --> 00:04:42,731
I don't hear from my mother for months,
then out of the blue, she calls.
68
00:04:42,820 --> 00:04:44,538
I wonder what she wants.
69
00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:50,452
Your wonderful chicken tikka meringue.
Yum!
70
00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:55,773
Dinner's a smoke screen. It's obvious
she's not just after a nice meal.
71
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,055
Obviously.
72
00:04:58,140 --> 00:05:02,611
Well, I can tell you one thing.
I won't let her drag me into an argument.
73
00:05:02,700 --> 00:05:07,251
- Good.
- Whatever she does, I will be totally Zen.
74
00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,092
Probably for the best, yeah.
75
00:05:09,180 --> 00:05:13,776
I am an island of peace,
in a stream of serenity.
76
00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:17,216
Oh, what the hell is wrong with my hair?
77
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:20,929
- What happened to the Zen master?
- She's freaking out.
78
00:05:21,020 --> 00:05:23,375
- Have you been on the phone upstairs?
- No.
79
00:05:23,460 --> 00:05:27,499
- Oh. Susan, what time is it?
- 6:32. God, she'll be here any minute.
80
00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:29,730
Abi, does my hair look relaxed?
81
00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:32,698
Maybe you should wear a hat.
82
00:05:35,140 --> 00:05:36,493
(Phone rings)
83
00:05:36,580 --> 00:05:40,414
- I'll get it.
- I've got it. Sorry... I've got it.
84
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:43,219
Hello? Roger... Hi, Rog.
85
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:46,656
Yeah. What?
Emergency at the surgery?
86
00:05:46,740 --> 00:05:50,050
There's an emergency at the surgery.
87
00:05:50,140 --> 00:05:53,132
No, well...
Rog, a bit tied up at the moment, mate.
88
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,132
I got dinner with the mother-in-law.
Can't really...
89
00:05:56,220 --> 00:05:58,051
What? There's a lot of blood.
90
00:05:58,140 --> 00:06:01,655
- I'll do my best, Rog, but...
- (Door bell)
91
00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:05,130
That's her. Could you answer the door?
I'll check on the chicken.
92
00:06:05,220 --> 00:06:09,099
I'll do my best. It's all right, Rog,
you can't let the man die, can you?
93
00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:13,293
Roger, pull yourself together.
Calm down, man.
94
00:06:13,380 --> 00:06:16,292
Hi, Abi.
95
00:06:17,980 --> 00:06:21,336
- Is Ben here?
- Yeah.
96
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:25,015
He's right over there, talking to you.
97
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:29,139
- You think you can handle it, Roger?
- OK.
98
00:06:29,220 --> 00:06:30,209
OK?
99
00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:36,169
- What are you doing here?
- I'm calling at 6:30, just as we agreed.
100
00:06:36,260 --> 00:06:39,172
I meant on the phone, you idiot. Get out!
101
00:06:39,260 --> 00:06:42,377
Well, since I'm here,
perhaps I could talk to Abi.
102
00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:44,018
Hello, Abi. You look nice.
103
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:46,699
Who was that?
104
00:06:46,780 --> 00:06:47,974
- No one.
- Roger.
105
00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:53,293
Roger ringing from the mobile to say
there's an emergency. I have to go.
106
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,608
Can't he handle it?
107
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:57,658
Well, he's not qualified
for that part of the mouth.
108
00:06:57,740 --> 00:07:00,300
You're saying that
to avoid dinner with my mother.
109
00:07:00,380 --> 00:07:04,976
Susan, there's a man dying out there
alone in a dental chair.
110
00:07:05,060 --> 00:07:07,415
And if I don't help him, nobody will.
111
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:09,775
I don't like this
any more than you do, Susan,
112
00:07:09,860 --> 00:07:12,852
but sometimes a dentist has to do
what a dentist has to do.
113
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:24,818
(Television) 'So while the Egyptian fruit
bat can roost in groups as small as two...
114
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:28,575
'These Mexican bats can roost
in colonies of 8 million.'
115
00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:30,848
(Knock on the door)
116
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:36,053
(Squeaky voice) Who is it?
117
00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:38,614
Nick, It's me.
118
00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:42,488
Are you sure you're not the landlord?
119
00:07:42,580 --> 00:07:45,378
Open the door, you pillock.
120
00:07:45,460 --> 00:07:48,657
- You sound like the landlord.
- Nick!
121
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,173
Ha.
122
00:07:56,820 --> 00:07:59,857
That's funny,
cos I thought you were the landlord,
123
00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:01,578
and you thought I was a woman.
124
00:08:03,860 --> 00:08:06,294
(lmitating) It's really funny that, yeah.
125
00:08:06,380 --> 00:08:10,817
- What's the landlord doing after you?
- He's always looking for the rent.
126
00:08:10,900 --> 00:08:12,492
He is sneaky that way.
127
00:08:13,620 --> 00:08:16,214
- Nick, I pay the rent.
- Indeed you do.
128
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:20,134
- You are giving him the money I pay?
- Of course.
129
00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:23,895
Because if I find out you're pocketing
the money I pay you, I'll kill you.
130
00:08:23,980 --> 00:08:27,131
Relax, Dad.
You won't find out from me.
131
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:35,740
- Oho, pizza. I'm starving.
- It's my pizza.
132
00:08:35,820 --> 00:08:37,492
- It's my place.
- I pay the rent.
133
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:39,775
Well played.
134
00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:46,008
Just need a few hours here,
while the Gorgon's at the house.
135
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,250
And you chose to be with me.
I'm touched.
136
00:08:48,340 --> 00:08:52,936
It was karaoke night at the pub, and
some guy stared at me at the station.
137
00:08:53,020 --> 00:08:57,252
I don't care.
All that matters is that you're here,
138
00:08:57,340 --> 00:08:59,296
with me...
139
00:08:59,380 --> 00:09:01,336
Daddy.
140
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:04,173
Get off! Get off!
141
00:09:04,260 --> 00:09:07,650
Look. If you just let me watch the telly,
I'll give you one slice.
142
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:15,454
So, does Mum know you're over here,
hiding out from dear old Gran?
143
00:09:20,700 --> 00:09:24,249
- Well played.
- Like father, like son.
144
00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:27,218
Don't ever say that ever again.
145
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,133
- Hm. Napkin?
- Ta.
146
00:09:34,620 --> 00:09:37,293
Ahh! For God's sake!
147
00:09:37,380 --> 00:09:38,779
That's your piece ruined.
148
00:09:38,860 --> 00:09:42,091
I've got to wash this shirt
before I go home. Where's...
149
00:09:42,180 --> 00:09:45,775
- The loo's that way.
- This better come out as well.
150
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:48,376
Urgggh!
151
00:09:49,780 --> 00:09:51,896
Urgggh!
152
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:54,930
We've had the bathroom redone.
153
00:09:55,020 --> 00:09:56,453
I painted it myself.
154
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:01,929
So you actually chose this colour?
155
00:10:02,020 --> 00:10:04,090
Did they run out of everything else?
156
00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:09,174
Yes. It was the last can of paint in
England. Thank God I got there in time.
157
00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,694
I like this colour.
You have a problem with that?
158
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,534
Believe me, dear. It's not my problem.
159
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:20,414
Maybe we should eat.
It'll soak up some of that acid.
160
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:25,210
"Ultra Ribbed"?
Haven't you ever heard of potpourri?
161
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:30,419
Those are for Michael.
I want him to feel OK about his sexuality.
162
00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:32,456
Why? Is he a jessie?
163
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:37,773
Look, you! It's important I communicate
with my children about anything.
164
00:10:37,860 --> 00:10:40,693
And what book
did you get that one out of?
165
00:10:40,780 --> 00:10:45,217
It wasn't in a book.
It was in a magazine, actually.
166
00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:48,849
Good job we're in the loo.
I am about to puke.
167
00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,612
Spare me.
168
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:54,056
You know, I remember the first time
you tried to teach me about sex.
169
00:10:54,140 --> 00:10:59,817
You sat with a Martini in one hand
and a glove puppet you called Mr Winkle.
170
00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,777
I was only trying to help.
171
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:04,010
In front of my first boyfriend?
172
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:08,571
Whatever.
And now, if you will excuse me...
173
00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:12,255
Oh, yes, of course.
We have to make room for more Martinis.
174
00:11:15,780 --> 00:11:19,978
(Deep voice) Hello, Susan.
My name is Mr Winkle,
175
00:11:20,060 --> 00:11:22,858
and I'm your worst enemy.
176
00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:25,500
- (Crash and scream)
- Mum?
177
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:30,614
(Ben) Hi, darling.
178
00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:34,574
Sorry I'm late.
179
00:11:34,660 --> 00:11:37,891
A little longer than I thought, you know.
180
00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:41,973
Mmmm... Baby, you smell nice.
181
00:11:47,860 --> 00:11:50,499
You feel nice.
182
00:11:50,580 --> 00:11:54,459
Mmm... How about a little spoon action?
183
00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:58,976
And I'm not talking teaspoon.
184
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:12,290
Oh, God! Oh, God!
185
00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:16,451
(Spits)
186
00:12:24,220 --> 00:12:25,972
Susan!
187
00:12:26,060 --> 00:12:28,335
- Susan!
- What? What is it?
188
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:31,730
- What is your mother doing up there?
- She's sleeping.
189
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:35,495
Let me rephrase that. What the hell
is your mother doing up there?
190
00:12:35,580 --> 00:12:39,459
- She's staying the night, all right?
- No. It's not all right. Why...
191
00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:42,293
Susan, why didn't you tell me?
192
00:12:42,380 --> 00:12:43,893
Because you weren't here.
193
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,494
Don't you... I'm...
194
00:12:46,580 --> 00:12:47,933
Dargggh!
195
00:12:49,020 --> 00:12:51,739
I'm really upset at you right now.
196
00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:56,530
She hurt her leg, falling off the toilet seat
which you didn't fix, so it's your fault.
197
00:12:56,620 --> 00:13:01,216
- There's no need to blame anyone.
- You were just blaming me.
198
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:04,815
I wasn't blaming you, I said I was upset
at you and there's a difference.
199
00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:10,099
- What happened?
- I'd rather not talk about it right now.
200
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:12,648
OK. Good night.
201
00:13:12,740 --> 00:13:16,858
Susan, I very nearly had sexual
intercourse with your mother.
202
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,178
- What?
- I didn't know she was there.
203
00:13:23,260 --> 00:13:25,171
I thought it was you.
204
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:28,410
Oh!
205
00:13:28,500 --> 00:13:30,775
Ben, that's... that's...
206
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:33,091
that's terrible.
207
00:13:34,820 --> 00:13:37,095
- And funny at the same time.
- It is not funny.
208
00:13:37,180 --> 00:13:42,857
- Oh, come on. It's a little bit funny.
- We nearly became a Greek tragedy.
209
00:13:42,940 --> 00:13:45,579
Look, I don't want her here
any more than you do,
210
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:47,457
but she's in pain and can't move.
211
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:50,259
Oh, yeah.
Are you sure she's not faking it?
212
00:13:50,340 --> 00:13:53,173
I don't know. You tell me.
213
00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:05,737
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
214
00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:12,334
So, what do you suggest
we do about her?
215
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:15,139
Avoid eye contact,
and tell her she dreamt it.
216
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,131
Not that.
217
00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:21,338
I mean, seeing her there so helpless,
made me realise that, sooner or later,
218
00:14:21,420 --> 00:14:23,809
she's going to be too old
to look after herself.
219
00:14:23,900 --> 00:14:26,573
Oh, well...
There's always nursing homes.
220
00:14:26,660 --> 00:14:28,378
We can just bury her in the garden.
221
00:14:28,460 --> 00:14:31,532
- She could go by the hydrangeas.
- No, I was kidding.
222
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,770
What if your kids weren't here for you?
223
00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:36,055
Be a dream come true.
224
00:14:39,460 --> 00:14:42,691
- Wow. You look nice.
- Thank you.
225
00:14:42,780 --> 00:14:44,930
What's this? Paper, breakfast.
226
00:14:45,020 --> 00:14:49,411
Oh, look at this.
Sausages... bacon, too.
227
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,058
Wow!
228
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,974
- I just wanted to apologise.
- It's all right, it's all right.
229
00:14:55,060 --> 00:14:59,338
- I may be the one who overreacted.
- Not for last night. For today.
230
00:15:00,340 --> 00:15:01,455
What?
231
00:15:01,540 --> 00:15:04,577
You're going to look after my mother
while I'm at work.
232
00:15:04,660 --> 00:15:06,332
But today's Saturday.
233
00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:08,854
- A tour came up.
- What kind of tour?
234
00:15:08,940 --> 00:15:11,374
An emergency tour.
235
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:14,532
Oh, and could you take this tray
up to Mother?
236
00:15:14,620 --> 00:15:18,010
Don't ever use the words "take up"
and "mother" in the same sentence.
237
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:22,889
Morning.
238
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:25,175
I'm not having sex,
if that's what you mean.
239
00:15:26,740 --> 00:15:29,698
Susan, why don't you stay here
and I'll take the tour?
240
00:15:29,780 --> 00:15:31,611
Thanks for looking after Mother.
241
00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,772
Oh, and, Ben,
don't do anything I wouldn't do.
242
00:15:38,780 --> 00:15:40,213
Ben!
243
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,737
- Hello.
- Hello.
244
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:59,651
Listen, um...
Grace, about last night.
245
00:15:59,740 --> 00:16:04,018
You needn't bother.
There's no reason to discuss last night.
246
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:06,853
I shall take it with me to my grave.
247
00:16:06,940 --> 00:16:08,214
The sooner the better.
248
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:14,692
- What did you say?
- I hope you get better sooner.
249
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,612
I'm thankful to see
that you're now dressed.
250
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:23,488
Look, Grace, I'm really sorry.
I feel awful. I didn't know you were here.
251
00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:27,289
Oh, Ben.
I seem to be missing a spoon.
252
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:33,852
Look, Grace. I'm really sorry, OK?
You have no idea how sorry I am.
253
00:16:33,940 --> 00:16:37,216
I forgive you, and your urges.
254
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:39,530
I'll be downstairs, if you want anything.
255
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:41,576
What's that supposed to mean?
256
00:16:41,660 --> 00:16:45,050
I mean if you want a glass of water
or a cup of tea.
257
00:16:45,140 --> 00:16:50,612
I'll just be down if you want...
Never mind. Just forget it.
258
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,453
Actually, I would like a cup of tea.
259
00:16:53,540 --> 00:16:55,132
Fine. Be right back.
260
00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:01,539
(Breathes out strongly)
261
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:14,975
Uh, Dad... Coaster goes under bottle.
262
00:17:17,940 --> 00:17:19,737
It's a cardboard box.
263
00:17:19,820 --> 00:17:23,051
Yeah, but it's an antique.
264
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:26,337
My interior designer says cardboard
is the new walnut.
265
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:29,093
If you live in a storage unit.
266
00:17:29,180 --> 00:17:32,138
- My gaff, my rules.
- OK. OK.
267
00:17:32,220 --> 00:17:36,259
- Any other rules I should know about?
- I'm glad you asked. I made you a list.
268
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:40,413
Oooh, lovely.
Oh, look. It's in alphabetical order.
269
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:41,899
Hey!
270
00:17:41,980 --> 00:17:44,175
You constantly broke the rules
in my house.
271
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:47,616
- Never!
- Nick, you built a moat.
272
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,258
OK. One rule.
273
00:17:49,340 --> 00:17:53,015
- You put a sunroof in the kitchen.
- It didn't rain.
274
00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:55,819
You took a baby elephant
into your bedroom.
275
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:59,370
- Was that against the rules?
- Yes.
276
00:17:59,460 --> 00:18:03,009
Pfff. I knew my circus days
would come back to haunt me.
277
00:18:06,220 --> 00:18:07,858
What did Gran want this time?
278
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:11,899
She wanted to call me an idiot,
and then she hit me.
279
00:18:13,540 --> 00:18:15,417
She likes you.
280
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,616
I can't take much more of this.
281
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:21,613
All this negative energy is stressing me
out. And Ben's not even in the house.
282
00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:26,138
I know how to relieve that stress.
A massage.
283
00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:27,972
Get away from me!
284
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:31,609
I'm not interested in you.
I've got a date with Fiona later.
285
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:34,976
I'm trying to help. See, a massage
is all about pressure points.
286
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:38,575
Releasing all that toxic energy
and helping you reach an inner peace.
287
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,730
Well, that sounds OK.
288
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,254
Course, you'll have to be naked.
289
00:18:43,340 --> 00:18:46,252
Forget it. You're not going anywhere
near my inner peace.
290
00:18:49,180 --> 00:18:50,499
How's Gran doing?
291
00:18:50,580 --> 00:18:54,129
I think she's feeling better.
She hit Abi and called me "virgin boy".
292
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:58,134
- Where's your father?
- I haven't seen him.
293
00:18:58,220 --> 00:19:02,532
- He's supposed to be looking after Gran.
- Maybe she's killed him.
294
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,736
What a perfect excuse for him.
295
00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:08,135
Listen, Michael. Michael...
296
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:11,417
- We need to talk.
- What now?
297
00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:13,297
You bought me a hooker?
298
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:18,653
Damn, you've ruined my surprise.
299
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:24,895
No. I've been thinking.
One day, Mummy and Daddy will be old.
300
00:19:24,980 --> 00:19:27,130
You're already old.
301
00:19:27,220 --> 00:19:31,338
- I mean older.
- How much older can you get?
302
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:36,494
There may come a time when I need
to be taken care of by my children,
303
00:19:36,580 --> 00:19:40,095
and I just want you to be prepared
to accept your responsibilities.
304
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,216
You mean, switch off the machine?
305
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:49,655
Mother?
306
00:19:57,300 --> 00:19:58,255
Ow!
307
00:19:58,340 --> 00:20:02,128
- Oh, I'm so sorry. I was just...
- Seeing if I was faking it?
308
00:20:02,220 --> 00:20:05,895
No. You're not, are you?
309
00:20:05,980 --> 00:20:07,891
Yes. Of course I am.
310
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:13,259
I want to stay here forever, so I can enjoy
more of your gourmet cooking,
311
00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:16,173
delight in the company
of your gracious children,
312
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:20,048
and fend off the unwanted advances of
your lecherous husband.
313
00:20:20,140 --> 00:20:21,892
Hey.
314
00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:23,936
Don't mock my cooking, Mother.
315
00:20:24,020 --> 00:20:27,979
I knew I was in for it,
the moment you came out sideways.
316
00:20:30,300 --> 00:20:34,578
I've... I've been thinking about this, and...
317
00:20:34,660 --> 00:20:38,858
I want you to stay here as long as it takes
for you to get better.
318
00:20:38,940 --> 00:20:41,408
- What?
- You heard me.
319
00:20:42,460 --> 00:20:47,773
And I want you to know that I'm... l'm...
320
00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:50,938
here for you.
321
00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:54,649
- I didn't quite catch that last bit.
- Don't push it.
322
00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:58,813
Well... Now that you are here for me...
323
00:20:58,900 --> 00:21:03,928
I'll give you a to-do list.
You can start by clearing up this mess,
324
00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:08,650
and then bring me that cup of tea
I ordered three hours ago.
325
00:21:13,420 --> 00:21:16,856
You do know how to boil water,
don't you?
326
00:21:18,540 --> 00:21:21,008
Anything for you, Mummy.
327
00:21:44,380 --> 00:21:47,292
(Chuckles)
328
00:21:49,660 --> 00:21:52,572
I love those cookery shows.
329
00:21:52,660 --> 00:21:54,810
It's David Attenborough.
330
00:21:57,060 --> 00:21:59,858
Where's this Chinese food? I'm starving.
331
00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:03,299
Don't mind the mess.
The cleaner comes on Tuesdays.
332
00:22:03,380 --> 00:22:08,010
- So this is your place?
- It's really more of a bachelor pad.
333
00:22:08,100 --> 00:22:11,695
The place where I come to unwind
from the daily stress of life.
334
00:22:11,780 --> 00:22:13,179
Cool.
335
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:18,249
- Do you want to unwind?
- OK. I guess.
336
00:22:18,340 --> 00:22:22,777
- We can both unwind on the couch.
- (Giggles)
337
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:29,015
Oh, my God! Take all you want,
just don't hurt the girl. Run, Fiona!
338
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:31,489
- Hi, Michael.
- The burglar knows your name.
339
00:22:31,580 --> 00:22:34,378
- Yeah, I'm Michael's father, Ben.
- Hi.
340
00:22:34,460 --> 00:22:36,974
- I'm Fiona.
- I'll call the police.
341
00:22:37,060 --> 00:22:40,177
You have to admire the little nipper
for still trying.
342
00:22:40,260 --> 00:22:42,216
Does your mother know you're here?
343
00:22:42,300 --> 00:22:46,498
- Does my mother know you're here?
- OK. Let's start again.
344
00:22:46,580 --> 00:22:48,298
I didn't want to bring my date home,
345
00:22:48,380 --> 00:22:51,736
and have Mum offer us biscuits
and condoms. Why are you here?
346
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:54,015
It's the last place she'd think to find me.
347
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:58,651
- Nick, I gave you money for a film.
- I know. I rented Stuart Little 2.
348
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:04,298
- I love that talking mouse.
- You're meant to go to a film.
349
00:23:04,380 --> 00:23:08,419
There's been some confusion,
so I've got the solution. Everybody leave.
350
00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:11,412
Oh, so this isn't really your place, then?
351
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:13,855
You picked a bright one there, Mikey.
352
00:23:15,300 --> 00:23:17,256
Yeah, tell me she's got an older sister.
353
00:23:20,180 --> 00:23:24,890
This is ridiculous. How many
people have to die before you fix this?
354
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:28,736
Haaa. You're having a party?
355
00:23:28,820 --> 00:23:32,654
That's a great idea.
As long as we play Twister.
356
00:23:33,420 --> 00:23:38,938
I know. I've got a good game.
Let's play Watch The Telly.
357
00:23:39,020 --> 00:23:44,299
Right. We all watch the telly,
and the first person to stop loses.
358
00:23:44,380 --> 00:23:47,531
- So, still up for it?
- Cool.
359
00:23:49,060 --> 00:23:52,257
- Let's play Twister.
- (Knock on the door)
360
00:23:52,340 --> 00:23:55,173
- (Susan) Nick, dear, it's Mummy.
- Oh, God!
361
00:23:55,260 --> 00:23:58,058
- (Susan) Nick!
- We left her all alone with her mother.
362
00:23:58,140 --> 00:24:03,294
- I am ashamed of you all.
- We abandoned her at a time of need.
363
00:24:03,380 --> 00:24:06,213
You're right, Mikey. You're right.
364
00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:09,178
- She deserves better than this.
- What are we going to do?
365
00:24:09,260 --> 00:24:10,454
Hide!
366
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:31,336
- Hello, Nick, dear.
- Hello, Mum.
367
00:24:31,420 --> 00:24:34,457
- I was just in the area.
- How is the Granster?
368
00:24:34,540 --> 00:24:37,612
I can't stand being around that woman.
369
00:24:37,700 --> 00:24:43,093
I mean, I've tried to be a good daughter.
I invited her to stay, for God's sake.
370
00:24:43,180 --> 00:24:45,853
But look at me. Look at me!
I'm breaking out in hives.
371
00:24:45,940 --> 00:24:47,293
I can't stand it.
372
00:24:48,980 --> 00:24:50,299
But Gran's fine.
373
00:24:53,820 --> 00:24:57,779
So, Mum,
would you like to stay for dinner?
374
00:24:57,860 --> 00:25:01,375
No, thanks.
I'll just stay for a nice cup of tea.
375
00:25:01,460 --> 00:25:04,896
- (Howling noises)
- Oh. Did you hear something?
376
00:25:04,980 --> 00:25:07,255
Yes. I have owls.
377
00:25:09,820 --> 00:25:15,053
Stuart Little 2.
I'd really like to watch that film.
378
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:17,529
Twice.
379
00:25:17,620 --> 00:25:20,088
All right. OK. All right.
380
00:25:21,460 --> 00:25:24,452
I can explain.
Michael's here with a girl.
381
00:25:24,540 --> 00:25:28,374
- Hey.
- Help! I'm trapped.
382
00:25:28,460 --> 00:25:30,257
Yep. You and me both, kid.
383
00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:35,617
- Hi, I'm Fiona.
- Hi.
384
00:25:35,700 --> 00:25:38,134
- (Knock on the door)
- (Squeaky voice) Who is it?
385
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:41,610
- Take away.
- Are you sure you're not the landlord?
386
00:25:41,700 --> 00:25:44,214
- Are you hungry or not?
- Fairly.
387
00:25:46,100 --> 00:25:49,490
Why don't you come in?
Everyone else is.
388
00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:54,529
Susan, I'm sorry. I know, I panicked
and I deserted you. I'm really sorry.
389
00:25:54,620 --> 00:25:59,853
But look around you, Susan. Please.
Is this the refuge of a sane man?
390
00:25:59,940 --> 00:26:03,330
Come on. I need sympathy instead of...
This is not working, is it?
391
00:26:03,420 --> 00:26:07,732
If you like it so much,
why don't you stay for a week or two?
392
00:26:07,820 --> 00:26:12,291
- Not that, Susan. For God's sake.
- No. Don't spoil the moment.
393
00:26:12,380 --> 00:26:14,291
Who's gonna pay?
394
00:26:14,380 --> 00:26:18,931
- Believe me, I will.
- For years to come.
395
00:26:19,020 --> 00:26:23,571
All right, let's eat. Everyone form
a queue. My gaff, my rules.
396
00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:26,857
Hey, save some for me.
397
00:26:26,940 --> 00:26:29,659
(Sings a cheerful song)
398
00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:38,529
Hello, Granny.
399
00:26:44,580 --> 00:26:49,608
Very impressive. Very impressive,
but I invented that one.
400
00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:54,979
Like hell you did. I've got more tricks
up my sleeve than you can imagine.
401
00:26:55,060 --> 00:26:57,130
Care to share a few
with the ol' grandson?
402
00:26:57,220 --> 00:27:00,974
- I'll leave them to you in my will.
- Don't do that. I just want the money.
403
00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:06,010
I admire that.
What you doing here anyway?
404
00:27:06,100 --> 00:27:11,857
My place was a little crowded.
Owl infestation.
405
00:27:11,940 --> 00:27:14,579
You know, you really had Mum worried
with the old...
406
00:27:15,660 --> 00:27:19,016
Yes, well... You won't understand this,
407
00:27:19,100 --> 00:27:23,776
but your mother and I have battled for
years, and now I am getting old.
408
00:27:23,860 --> 00:27:29,378
So I thought...
if I could just break down some barriers,
409
00:27:29,460 --> 00:27:32,418
and get her to ask me to stay,
410
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:37,490
then I could turn round
and tell her she could stick it.
411
00:27:37,580 --> 00:27:42,290
You don't have to worry. I'll stay here
with you so you'll never be lonely.
412
00:27:44,580 --> 00:27:47,140
Wanna play Twister?
413
00:27:49,340 --> 00:27:51,410
Yes, well, tell your mother I'll call her.
414
00:27:58,060 --> 00:27:59,891
Ha ha. Amateur.
415
00:28:03,340 --> 00:28:08,289
- Come on, Ben.
- Not now, Susan. I'm not in the mood.
416
00:28:09,540 --> 00:28:11,895
It's been almost a week.
417
00:28:13,060 --> 00:28:16,132
I can't get your mother's face
out of my head.
418
00:28:17,900 --> 00:28:20,130
She's gone, OK?
419
00:28:21,860 --> 00:28:25,170
Something happened, then.
Say that again.
420
00:28:25,260 --> 00:28:28,775
- She's gone.
- Yeah, that's working.
421
00:28:28,860 --> 00:28:32,216
- She's gone. She's gone.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
422
00:28:32,300 --> 00:28:35,337
- She's gone. She's gone.
- Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
423
00:28:35,420 --> 00:28:37,376
- She's gone.
- Mmmm!
424
00:28:41,980 --> 00:28:44,778
This bed smells like my mother.
425
00:28:47,740 --> 00:28:50,254
I may never have sex again.
34244
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