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(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
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00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,005
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,168
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,106
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,183
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,451
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,750
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:20,253
♪ It's true love we share
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00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,494
♪ And so I found a place
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00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,820
♪ Where everyone will know
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00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,985
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,194
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
13
00:00:29,196 --> 00:00:31,026
(chuckles)
14
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:38,470
♪ Oh, I am making
a little cereal milk ♪
15
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:41,442
♪ I'm making me some
cereal milk ♪
16
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,882
(low voice): ♪ Straining
a little cereal ♪
17
00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,938
(high voice):
♪ Cereal!
18
00:00:45,946 --> 00:00:48,846
Junior! Cereal milk!
19
00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:52,480
That's odd.
20
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,186
You are my date, Larry.
21
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,918
You follow my lead.
22
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:58,763
If I get the chicken,
you get the chicken.
23
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:01,029
You don't go rogue
and order the lobster!
24
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:04,098
If I'm paying for lobster,
I better be getting some!
25
00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:05,698
(sighs)
26
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,099
(soft whooshing)
27
00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:11,199
(muffled whooshing)
28
00:01:18,778 --> 00:01:21,478
Junior's got a girl on his wall?
29
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,752
Junior's got a girl
on his wall!
30
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:26,951
Donna! Junior's going
through the change!
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00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:27,954
DONNA:
Growing up!
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00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,115
Uh, Dad?
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00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,823
Let your Daddy get
a good look at you.
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00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:34,086
I'm so proud of you.
35
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,825
And me... for
raising you.
36
00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:38,300
And now you're growing up
and getting ready
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00:01:38,299 --> 00:01:40,829
to set out on your
puberctic journey.
38
00:01:40,835 --> 00:01:42,165
Now tell me,
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00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:44,969
who's this PYT
you're so sweet on?
40
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,012
That's Justin Bieber!
41
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:48,537
Ha! Girl with a guy's name.
42
00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,842
I tell you I met
a girl named "Guy"
43
00:01:50,845 --> 00:01:52,805
when I went pickle shopping
last week?
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00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:55,053
Poor dumb girl didn't know
the difference between
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00:01:55,049 --> 00:01:57,819
a Sweet Bread and Butter
and a German-style Dill.
46
00:01:57,818 --> 00:02:00,288
Dad, Justin Bieber is a guy.
47
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,647
Justin Bieber is?!
48
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,785
But, buddy, why
49
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,491
would you hang a poster
of a dude on your wall?
50
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:09,834
Because he's the biggest star in
the entire galaxy!
51
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:13,530
No. Jupiter is the biggest star
in the galaxy.
52
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:15,674
(scoffs) Read astrology much?
53
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,869
Wait a minute.
I know what you're up to.
54
00:02:17,872 --> 00:02:19,442
You're Shawshanking me.
55
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:21,140
Well, I'm not stup...
56
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:22,982
Ah! No tunnel behind there.
57
00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:24,307
Found a stud.
58
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:26,551
That's it! This is coming down!
59
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:27,607
Wait, Dad!
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00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:29,005
I'll take it down.
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00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,076
If... you listen to this song
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00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:33,745
and tell me you don't feel
like dancing.
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00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,624
♪ Like baby, baby, baby, oh
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00:02:35,623 --> 00:02:37,493
(song warbles)
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00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,291
(music ceases)
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00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:42,333
Aah! That's music
for girls! And Usher.
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00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,059
Good day, Junior.
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00:02:46,032 --> 00:02:48,372
Let's see what's on
this dying form
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00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,769
of media communication called
the radio.
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00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:51,941
♪ Baby, baby, oh
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00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,869
Ugh! It's that
Justin Dweeber kid.
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00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:57,975
Can't turn this off fast enough.
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00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,678
(singing along):
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh...
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00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,181
DJ:
And if you want to know the secret to mind-blowing sex
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00:03:03,184 --> 00:03:05,754
with a middle-aged black woman,
just stay tune...
76
00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:08,293
("Baby" playing)
Ah, stupid song.
77
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,489
(singing along):
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh
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00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,121
Come on, now!
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00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,626
DJ:
And now on Stoolbend's Sports Chat, please welcome
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00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:18,658
a very special guest, baseball
Hall of Famer, Johnny Bench.
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00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:19,926
Cool! My boyhood hero!
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00:03:19,934 --> 00:03:21,834
BENCH:
Glad to be here in Stoolbend.
83
00:03:21,835 --> 00:03:24,265
And if any of my fans want
to join me
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00:03:24,271 --> 00:03:26,611
for a free steak dinner tonight,
come meet me at...
85
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:27,767
(growls)
86
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:30,175
(singing along):
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh
87
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:34,107
♪ Like, baby, baby,
baby, oh... ♪
88
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:39,594
(shower running)
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00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,459
(dryer whirring)
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00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:48,258
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh
91
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:52,902
(over earbuds):
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh.
92
00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:58,596
Hi, I'm Dwayne Meighan.
News flash!
93
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:01,306
Bieber fever have infected
Stoolbend!
94
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,008
Little boy superstar,
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00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:06,380
he coming to play concert here
at Stoolbend Stool Bowl.
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00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,280
All tickets had was
already had been sold.
97
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:10,923
Sold out.
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00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,288
Only prayer will be win ticket
thank God
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00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,687
by Justin Bieber Dance
Competition,
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00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:19,759
which would happen to happen
tomorrow after today. Amen.
101
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,830
Back to you in studio,
that's me.
102
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,529
Thanks you, Dwayne.
In other news...
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00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,871
They're giving away
Justin Bieber tickets?!
104
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:27,867
I gotta win 'em!
105
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,838
For Junior...
of course.
106
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:31,137
Justin Bieber?!
107
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,008
The only reason
he's famous is from YouPorn.
108
00:04:33,007 --> 00:04:34,607
I mean, Porn Tube. Porn Hub.
109
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,778
Red Tube. Bang Bus.
110
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,807
YouTube! I'm lonely.
111
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,812
I'm sorry you're sad.
112
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:43,454
Well, I've got a competition
to win for my son
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00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:47,320
because I love him
more than I love Justin Bieber.
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00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,661
(clears throat)
I do love Junior.
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00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,457
He's no Justin Bieber, but...
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00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,588
We don't care,
Cleveland.
117
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:54,293
We've got our own
lives going on.
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00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:56,255
I can't pay my gas bill.
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00:04:56,263 --> 00:04:59,973
Tell your stories on
your show.
120
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:03,697
Hey, yo!
What's up, Stoolbend?!
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00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:07,174
It's your boy,
DJ Charlie Chode Rock
122
00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:11,784
from your favorite station,
106.1 The Squirt!
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00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,209
And today,
I'm up in the place to be
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00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:15,854
with these fly guys
and gals,
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00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:20,149
ready to decide who's the
ultimate Justin Bieber fan.
126
00:05:20,154 --> 00:05:21,654
And here to kick things off,
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00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:25,085
it's Justin Bieber himself live!
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00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,292
(all cheering)
129
00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:27,933
Via satellite!
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00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,998
What's up, tweens?!
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00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:33,667
It's me, The Biebs,
biebing at you live
132
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,097
from your junior high school.
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00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:36,602
Go, football team!
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00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:40,973
(all cheering)
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00:05:40,974 --> 00:05:43,544
Are you people ready
for some dancing?!
136
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:44,684
ALL:
Yeah!
137
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,208
I gotta hop.
See you at the big dance!
138
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:49,354
ANNOUNCER: Justin Bieber willnot be at your dance,
139
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and that wasn't Justin Bieber.
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00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,654
(mechanical whirring)
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00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:56,559
Someday, I'll make
you a real boy.
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00:05:58,758 --> 00:06:01,358
Okay, let's throw on some Bieber
143
00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:03,362
and let these ten contestants
work it out
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00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:07,174
to the chart-topping single,
"Baby..."!
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00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,697
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh
(Cleveland giggling)
146
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:14,144
♪ Like baby, baby, baby, oh
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00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:18,511
(singing along):
♪ Ooh! Baby, baby, oh!
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00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,382
(Cleveland giggling)
♪ Baby, baby, baby, oh
149
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:25,352
(singing along):
♪ Like, baby, baby, baby, oh
150
00:06:25,352 --> 00:06:28,152
Well, I am,
I am at a loss.
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00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:29,645
It's pretty clear
who deserves
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00:06:29,656 --> 00:06:31,086
these Justin Bieber tickets.
153
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:34,191
The winner of the
Squirt 106.1 dance-off is
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00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,534
Cleveland Brown!
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00:06:36,530 --> 00:06:39,130
(giggles)
Party over here!
156
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,933
Who-- based on
that dancing--
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00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:44,495
I have got
to officially declare
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00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:50,375
the whitest black man in
America!
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00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:53,707
(kids laughing)
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00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,454
What?! But Wayne Brady's
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00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:57,649
the whitest black man
in America.
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00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,751
Not anymore, brother.
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00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:10,325
MAN (over P.A.)
On your right is the home of the whitest black man in America.
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00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,500
Damn it!
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00:07:11,498 --> 00:07:13,668
And on your left,
Kendra from Hoarders.
166
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:16,327
KENDRA:
I can't find my cat!
167
00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:25,184
(mutters): "Whitest Black Man in
America," my foot.
168
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:28,879
"Whitest Black Man
in America," my other foot.
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00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,422
Donna, you don't think
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00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:33,647
I'm the Whitest Black Man
in America, do you?
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00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,594
No, honey. What ds
that even mean?
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00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:36,989
May I take this?
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00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,760
It means you were dancing
like a little white girl,
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00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,490
so you could see a little white
boy dance and sing
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00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,496
for little white boys,
white girls
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00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,468
and a rainbow of pedophiles.
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00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:49,267
I was trying to win those
tickets for Junior.
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00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:50,799
Keep me out of your freak show.
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00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,644
(whispers):
I really do want to go.
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00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,540
Look at you.
You still say things like,
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00:07:55,542 --> 00:07:59,612
"Party over here!"
and "Too legit to quit!"
182
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,653
Yeah, boy-ee!
183
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,348
Gross!
You're a joke.
184
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:06,490
Stop teasing Cleveland...
who does always make sure
185
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:08,587
to introduce his "one black
friend from college"
186
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:10,619
to his "one black friend
from work."
187
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:13,364
Reggie and Reggie became
good friends.
188
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,260
And you are
the only black person
189
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,162
I've ever seen eat trail mix.
190
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,204
It's barbecue-flavored
trail mix.
191
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,799
I feel you, dawg.
192
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,301
Some people have called me the
blackest white man in America.
193
00:08:23,303 --> 00:08:25,503
No one calls you that.
194
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,706
Yeah, I don't think
most people know you exist.
195
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,978
Cleveland, do you even know
the difference between
196
00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,437
an African man and an
African-American man?
197
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:33,646
Of course!
198
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,477
I know Tracy Morgan
is an African
199
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,422
because of his pot belly,
200
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:40,447
droopy National Geographicboobies and flies.
201
00:08:40,454 --> 00:08:42,794
Cleveland, that's
a ridiculous stereotype!
202
00:08:42,789 --> 00:08:45,759
And nobody is as filthy
as Tracy Morgan.
203
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,329
Yeah, and you're always making
jokes about Jewish people.
204
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:49,858
Black folks got enough
to deal with.
205
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,463
We ain't got no time
206
00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:53,365
to differentiate between
types of honkies.
207
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,367
Rallo!
208
00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,472
Are you trying
to get us killed?!
209
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,671
That word is every bit
as offensive to whites
210
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,373
as the you-know-what word is
to blacks.
211
00:09:02,376 --> 00:09:04,776
No, it's not.
It's not even close.
212
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,308
But that kind of clueless
hypersensitivity
213
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:09,854
to racial matters is
classic honky behavior.
214
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,580
Look, Cleveland,
we were just joking around.
215
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:13,846
What difference does it make?
216
00:09:13,854 --> 00:09:16,424
It makes
a big difference to me!
217
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:19,123
I need to figure
this out... A-sap
218
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:19,656
What?
219
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,660
As soon as possible!
220
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:25,502
No longer will I be judged
by the content of my character,
221
00:09:25,499 --> 00:09:28,429
but by the color
of my skin!
222
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:32,435
For today, Cleveland Brown
becomes a black man!
223
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,709
Oh, Lord.
224
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:37,438
Junior, you been eating
my trail mix?!
225
00:09:37,444 --> 00:09:38,344
Nope, that was me.
226
00:09:38,345 --> 00:09:40,545
My apologies, Cleve Lemon.
227
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:43,047
I thought I was eating garbage.
228
00:09:44,483 --> 00:09:48,453
My journey of identity
begins with a ride on
229
00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:50,815
the 6:30 Soul Train!
230
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:51,594
A'ight.
231
00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,927
(birds chirping)
232
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,601
(crickets chirping)
233
00:10:02,835 --> 00:10:06,665
♪
ANNOUNCER: Soul... Train!
234
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:09,871
(train whistle blows)
235
00:10:09,876 --> 00:10:11,176
You're late.
236
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,508
The Soul Train is
always on time.
237
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:16,153
Hey, I know you, Jack.
238
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,479
You're the whitest black man
in America.
239
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:19,475
Not anymore.
240
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:22,246
Take me
to the blackest place on Earth.
241
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,485
Next stop, Detroit.
242
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,961
Mmm, second-blackest.
243
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:28,689
♪
(partiers whooping)
244
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:30,795
CLEVELAND:
♪ Am I black enough for ya?
245
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:33,797
♪ Am I black enough for ya?
246
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,200
♪ Am I black enough
for ya? ♪
247
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,303
♪ Am I black enough for ya?
248
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,335
♪ We're gonna move on up
one by one ♪
249
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,941
♪ We ain't gonna stop
till the work is done ♪
250
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:46,314
♪ Am I black enough,
black enough for ya? ♪
251
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,853
♪ Am I black, black enough
f-for ya? ♪
252
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:52,319
♪ We're gonna move on up
two by two ♪
253
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:55,019
♪ This whole world is gonna be
brand-new ♪
254
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,162
♪ Am I black enough for ya?
255
00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,457
♪ Am I black enough
for ya? ♪
256
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:00,529
♪ Get in line
257
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:03,257
♪ Stop marching in time
258
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:06,363
♪ You better make up your mind
259
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:10,536
♪ We're gonna leave
you behind. ♪
260
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,497
Yo, Donna!
261
00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:15,306
I don't appreciate you sendin'
your punk-ass, busta-ass,
262
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,308
Jheri curl wearin'-ass
friends down here
263
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,140
to shoot at me and my homies!
264
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:22,206
Cleveland, why are you quoting
box office masterpiece Friday?
265
00:11:22,215 --> 00:11:25,115
'Cause I'm a black man now, and
that's what black people do.
266
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,248
Now, Donna, how come you ain't
267
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,353
got no pictures of no brothas
up on the wall?
268
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,585
Cleveland, that is your brother
Broderick.
269
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:33,530
Blowin' by it! Now, it's the
hottest day of the year,
270
00:11:33,527 --> 00:11:35,357
there's racial tension
everywhere,
271
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,302
and we ain't
patronizing your pizzeria
272
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,927
till there's some
brothas up on that wall!
273
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:42,833
Isn't that right, supporting
actress Rosie Perez?
274
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,336
Yeah!
275
00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:45,467
Do The Right Thing!
276
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,342
Aaaah!
277
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:49,670
Oh, my balled-up papers
and toenails.
278
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,336
Oh, Cleveland, being black
279
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,614
isn't about this
stereotypical nonsense.
280
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,153
It's about being comfortable
in your own skin.
281
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,649
You need help.
282
00:11:57,651 --> 00:12:00,821
Well, since black people don't
believe in therapy, I'm gonna go
283
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:04,291
think on this while I wash my
car in a public park.
284
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:06,421
Is that even a black
stereotype?!
285
00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:07,826
I've seen 'em do it.
286
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:12,428
Oh, maybe I'll find what
I'm looking for at church.
287
00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,732
What was T-Pain doing here?
288
00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:19,002
Thank you for meeting
with me, Reverend.
289
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:22,165
I need guidance.
I don't know who I am.
290
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,775
Cleveland, I can tell
your heart is heavy...
291
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:25,838
Yes.
292
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,146
You're weary and
in need of rest...
293
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,508
So weary.
294
00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:31,516
Tempted by the
lust of flesh...
295
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:32,518
Yep!
296
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:34,949
And homosexuality.
297
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:36,245
Noooooo.
298
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,816
Just a hunch.
299
00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:42,334
Son, I am reminded of Urkel's
letter to the Alopecians.
300
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:45,199
You must trust in
the Bruce Almighty,
301
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:47,668
who brought forth the
loaves and the fish,
302
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,137
and the bubble gum,
bubble gum in a dish.
303
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,768
How many pieces do you wish?
304
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:57,314
Reverend, how is this supposed
to help me figure out who I am?
305
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:59,040
Don't worry, my son,
306
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:02,505
you can always turn to the
Father in your time of need.
307
00:13:02,516 --> 00:13:05,176
My father...
Thanks, Reverend.
308
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:07,485
And I'll take some of
that bubble gum.
309
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,191
Ooh, as ye Hubba,
310
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,791
so shall ye Bubba!
311
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:16,693
(chanting scream)
312
00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:18,526
Bye!
313
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:24,799
Uhp!
Seven years.
314
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:28,205
Dad, Mom, I have
a question for you.
315
00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,278
Young man, did you give me my
kiss yet?
316
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,277
Yam, yam, yam.
317
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:34,209
Oh, that's better.
You were saying?
318
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:38,124
What happened in my past that
makes people say I'm so white?
319
00:13:38,118 --> 00:13:40,648
Well, we should
probably tell you...
320
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,654
Cookie! You got
nothing to tell him.
321
00:13:42,656 --> 00:13:46,256
You had the loving childhood
everyone dreams about, fatass!
322
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,489
Now get out of my house!
323
00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:50,195
Good-bye, Cleveland.
324
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:51,997
There's a woman who
can answer your questions.
325
00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,798
Remember this address.
One-two-three Main Street.
326
00:13:54,801 --> 00:13:56,431
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One more time.
327
00:13:56,436 --> 00:14:02,106
One... two... three...
Main Street.
328
00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:06,338
Okay. One-two is like 12,
divided by three is four.
329
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:09,376
Four letters in "rain" which
rhymes with "Main." Got it.
330
00:14:09,382 --> 00:14:10,922
Why you hugging
your momma so long?
331
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:14,147
No reason. Bye.
332
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:15,654
(doorbell rings)
333
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:16,745
One more time.
334
00:14:18,324 --> 00:14:20,664
(doorbell chimes)
335
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,190
(gasps) Cleveland Brown!
336
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,096
White lady I've never seen
before!
337
00:14:25,098 --> 00:14:28,498
(laughs) I practically
raised you, Cleveland.
338
00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:30,341
I'm your Nanny Barbara.
339
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,537
What?
340
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:34,208
Look at you...
all grown up.
341
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,607
My Cleveland has
come back to me.
342
00:14:36,610 --> 00:14:38,510
Party over here!
343
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:41,251
We'll be white black.
344
00:14:45,985 --> 00:14:48,645
Do you still like Arnold
Palmers, Cleveland?
345
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,955
Well, I do, but only
if I have an...
346
00:14:50,957 --> 00:14:52,857
almond biscotti.
Almond biscotti?
347
00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:55,989
What kind of mind
wizard are you?
348
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,530
Why don't I remember you?
349
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:03,172
Well, you were very young and
when your father came back
350
00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:06,269
into your mother's life,
I wasn't needed anymore.
351
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,173
And you always were
a rather thick,
352
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:11,035
unresponsive child,
353
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,344
so it doesn't surprise me
354
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:14,545
that you remember so little of
those days.
355
00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,815
Rhoda.
What?
356
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,447
We used to watch
Mary Tyler Moore
357
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,192
and her funny neighbor Rhoda.
358
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,247
Wait, what was funny
about her again?
359
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,286
She was Jewish.
(laughs)
360
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:28,162
Oh my God, I remember!
You took me trick-or-treating.
361
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,191
You were Siskel
and I was Ebert.
362
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:31,696
Now you're getting it.
363
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:34,702
(laughs)
364
00:15:34,701 --> 00:15:38,071
Cleveland, it's time you
get back to your roots!
365
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,314
Afternoon, Ms. Barbara.
366
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:48,110
(gasps) Why, you're little
Master Cleveland, all grown up!
367
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:50,284
You remember me?
No.
368
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:53,023
Good. Good.
369
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:56,590
I'm telling you,
I don't know how to...
370
00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,956
Whoa. Love-15.
371
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,630
(gasps) Where did
that come from?
372
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,128
(chuckles)
373
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:06,029
Next thing, you'll tell me you
don't know how to play bridge.
374
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:07,832
Overtrick, bitches!
375
00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:10,104
Sorry, Elliot, Bunny.
376
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:11,103
Thank you, Barbara.
377
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,814
You've helped me figure
out who I really am.
378
00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,837
I want you to
meet my family.
379
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,212
They're... (clears throat)
380
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,210
...black.
381
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,511
WAITER:
I heard that!
382
00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:20,582
Let's go!
383
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:28,585
Stuff from Trader Joe's!
384
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,658
You gave him Barbara's
number, didn't you?
385
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:34,928
Family? I know you have
a lot of questions.
386
00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:37,298
Now, remember the white woman of
a certain age
387
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,957
I hustled through the living
room into the kitchen
388
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:43,466
15 minutes ago saying,
"No questions, no questions"?
389
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,500
I do.
390
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:48,344
Family, meet my
childhood nanny, Barbara.
391
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:51,011
Hello, Freight Train.
392
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:53,181
Hello, Evelyn.
393
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,149
(British accent):
Barbara, how do you do?
394
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,319
(normal voice):
Ha! I'm just kidding.
395
00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,788
I can interact with other human
beings of different racial
396
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,787
and ethnic backgrounds without
losing my own identity.
397
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:05,790
Is that helpful? Is that
helpful to your husband
398
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,532
who is trying to
figure out who he is?
399
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,869
All right, I'll say it.
400
00:17:19,873 --> 00:17:22,113
What the (bleep)
going on here?
401
00:17:22,108 --> 00:17:23,538
I'll tell you
what's going on.
402
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,713
This woman never did
no good for nobody.
403
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:26,882
What did I tell you?
404
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,480
Barbara helped me raise
Cleveland
405
00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:31,021
when Freight Train went out to
get a pack of cigarettes
406
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,617
for three and a half years.
407
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,449
You said you was
gonna let that go.
408
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,454
Hey, you ever
been married?
409
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,086
No.
410
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:41,861
I haven't met
the right person.
411
00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,801
Ohh...
Ohh...
412
00:17:43,797 --> 00:17:45,857
There's a little
vanilla on that Cookie.
413
00:17:45,865 --> 00:17:47,165
There it is.
414
00:17:47,167 --> 00:17:48,797
You happy, Tubby?!
415
00:17:48,802 --> 00:17:51,002
Humiliate me in front
of my step-grandson?!
416
00:17:51,004 --> 00:17:53,814
You walking around like
the rich guy on Gilligan.
417
00:17:53,807 --> 00:17:55,937
Interesting fact.
None of them got rich
418
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:59,682
because back then, actors didn't
get residuals.
419
00:17:59,679 --> 00:18:01,849
Heard that on NPR this morning.
420
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,118
Oh, please. All this
fuss 'cause you got
421
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:06,477
embarrassed that your
son liked Justin Bieber.
422
00:18:06,486 --> 00:18:08,986
What?
You were embarrassed by me?
423
00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,788
This is unprecedented.
424
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:13,890
I'm so upset, I could storm up
to my room.
425
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,991
Everybody, calm down!
426
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:19,256
Let's remember
what this is all about.
427
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:22,325
I am finally at peace with
who I am.
428
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:24,335
Until next week, when
you go to a P.F. Chang's
429
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:27,837
and think you're Chinese
'cause you like fried rice.
430
00:18:27,841 --> 00:18:29,611
Me so offended!
431
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,009
Oh, it's not my
fault I'm confused.
432
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:33,711
Look what I came from!
433
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,613
Oh, boo-hoo.
434
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:37,745
"Am I black? Am I white?"
435
00:18:37,750 --> 00:18:40,350
You're the same thing you've
always been... nothing.
436
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:42,323
Whoa.
Just got real.
437
00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,922
You're wrong!
I am somebody!
438
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,334
I just don't know who!
439
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,157
I better go after him.
440
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,503
(poignant version
of theme song plays)
441
00:18:56,503 --> 00:18:59,973
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
442
00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:03,013
♪ And I am sad to be
443
00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:06,279
♪ So troubled and confused
444
00:19:06,279 --> 00:19:10,349
♪ 'Bout my identity
445
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,920
♪ A white man
446
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,648
♪ A black man
447
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,693
♪ Are fighting for my heart
448
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:19,689
♪ These two dudes inside me
449
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:23,092
♪ Are tearing me apart
450
00:19:23,096 --> 00:19:24,856
Ow...
(tempo picks up)
451
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:28,804
♪ Am I more Charles Barkley,
or am I Charles InCharge? ♪
452
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:33,771
♪ Am I L. Ron Hubbard,
or am I El DeBarge? ♪
453
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:38,013
♪ Am I more Jay Leno,
or am I Jay-Z? ♪
454
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:43,921
♪ Why are there so many dudes
inside of me? ♪
455
00:19:43,917 --> 00:19:44,817
Ow!
456
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,147
Cleveland, you're
being ridiculous.
457
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:50,153
You're so much more than the
color of your skin.
458
00:19:50,156 --> 00:19:51,816
You're happy, aren't you?
459
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,264
I was.
460
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:56,489
♪ Be proud of
who you are ♪
461
00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:59,626
♪ Don't let it
get you down ♪
462
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,702
♪ Is Cleveland black or white?
463
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:03,802
♪ Who cares?
464
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:07,813
♪ You're Cleveland Brown!
465
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,307
Ha, ha, ha... Ohhh.
466
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,310
And, by the way,
you're black.
467
00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,712
You're right, Nanny.
468
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,913
I am a part of
all I have met.
469
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:19,645
And, at the end of the day,
I gotta be happy bebing...
470
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:21,692
baby... ba-bebing...
471
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,688
♪ Baby, baby, baby...
Oh, my God!
472
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,521
Nanny Barbara, would you be
473
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,286
my date
to the Justin Bieber concert?
474
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:29,964
Oh heavens, no.
475
00:20:29,963 --> 00:20:33,833
I've got tickets to Young Jeezy
and Waka Flocka Flame.
476
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,803
Florence Henderson,
everybody!
477
00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,943
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
478
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:44,778
mid-pubescent Canadian cyborg,
Justin Bieber!
479
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,707
(applause and cheering)
480
00:20:45,712 --> 00:20:48,982
♪ Like, baby, baby, baby, oh!
481
00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:53,752
♪ Like, baby, baby, baby,
no! ♪
482
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:56,823
♪ Like baby, baby, baby, oh!
483
00:20:56,873 --> 00:21:01,423
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