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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,695
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,005
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:09,168
♪ Right back in my hometown
4
00:00:09,176 --> 00:00:12,106
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:12,113 --> 00:00:14,183
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
6
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,451
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:18,750
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
8
00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:20,253
♪ It's true love we share
9
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:22,524
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,863
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:27,029
♪ My happy mustached face
12
00:00:27,028 --> 00:00:29,258
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
13
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,063
(chuckles)
14
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:36,003
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
We now return to Gay's Anatomy.
15
00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:37,103
MAN:
There's his anus.
16
00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:40,943
Well, way too many channels
to just watch one.
17
00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:45,441
And now for my next trick,
I will cut a woman in half.
18
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:48,106
You're just turning one problem
into two.
19
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:52,950
What?!
I thought he was kidding.
20
00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,753
You can't... He's gonna kill
that woman!
21
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,015
Help!
22
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,593
Don't worry, Rallo, we're here.
23
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,291
That guy on TV's
cutting...
24
00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,963
Why are you dressed
like that?
25
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,161
We were playing Raising Arizona.
26
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:04,604
Oh, I didn't see
that one.
27
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,368
You've never seen
Raising Arizona?!
28
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,027
You've gotta see it.
29
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,365
I don't need to do anything.
30
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:11,140
But that dude just cut
a woman in half.
31
00:01:11,138 --> 00:01:14,108
Oh, Rallo,
your innocence is endearing.
32
00:01:14,108 --> 00:01:15,368
That's just magic.
33
00:01:15,376 --> 00:01:16,836
What's that?
34
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,144
Magic is the explanation
for the unexplainable.
35
00:01:19,146 --> 00:01:21,346
Like making a quarter vanish.
36
00:01:21,348 --> 00:01:23,178
Or pulling a rabbit
out of a hat.
37
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:27,524
Or how Jack Black can utterly
disappear into every role.
38
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,091
Magic.
39
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,591
(chuckles) Me and Lester are
texting each other, Donna.
40
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,964
Can you imagine him lying
in bed next to Kendra?
41
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,934
They'd look like the
number ten. (chuckles)
42
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:41,774
Oh... Mmm.
43
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,469
I feel bad for Lester.
44
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:45,601
Hey, guys, I got a
magic trick for you.
45
00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,206
Hey, hey, hey,
get out of here, Rallo.
46
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,368
How do you know we weren't doing
something private?
47
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:50,936
'Cause I don't hear
"Celebration"
48
00:01:50,945 --> 00:01:51,935
by Kool & the Gang.
49
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,505
Now, think of a number
and then write it down,
50
00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,745
and only use this pen
and press really hard,
51
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:59,690
and then rip it off
and don't let me see it.
52
00:02:02,021 --> 00:02:03,591
(scribbling)
53
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,821
Okay. Was your number ten?
54
00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:07,526
Yeah. Poor Lester.
55
00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,758
Cute trick, Rallo.
Run along to bed.
56
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:10,933
Hold on now.
57
00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:13,771
You haven't seen the incredible
floating cigarette.
58
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,667
Rallo, where'd you get
that cigarette?
59
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:18,439
Tobacco company rep was handing
'em out at the playground.
60
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,309
Smart.
Now go back to bed.
61
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,837
One more, one more.
Pick a card, any card.
62
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,983
Jack of clubs.
Go away.
63
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:26,179
Aw, man.
64
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,380
(door closes)
65
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:29,481
Why are you so hard
on that boy?
66
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,953
Step-boy.
67
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:33,191
You could've at least
let him have his moment.
68
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,987
You could let
me have mine.
69
00:02:35,990 --> 00:02:39,320
(hums "Celebration")
70
00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,456
Uh-uh!
71
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,502
Sorry, Kool. Sorry, Gang.
72
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:44,627
Hopefully tomorrow night.
73
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:45,632
(all groan)
74
00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,003
Damn!
Ain't that a bitch?
75
00:02:47,001 --> 00:02:49,431
Man, I was ready to play!
76
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,805
AP calculus is wack
77
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:55,967
wit dey derivative-ass
functions.
78
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,776
You want to grow up to build
suspension bridges or not?
79
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:00,479
Hey, Roberta,
there's a magic club
80
00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,451
over in Chester County,
and Mama can't drive me,
81
00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:05,119
so your dirtbag boyfriend's
gotta take me.
82
00:03:05,119 --> 00:03:06,249
Sorry. We're going to visit
83
00:03:06,253 --> 00:03:08,153
Federline's grandmother
in the hospital.
84
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:11,085
Don't worry--
you won't see it.
85
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,992
Cleveland!
You're my only hope.
86
00:03:13,994 --> 00:03:16,804
I need you to take me to
the magic club in Chester.
87
00:03:16,797 --> 00:03:21,497
Sorry, but I have my, uh,
fantasy women's billiards draft.
88
00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,002
Liar. That was last week.
89
00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:25,703
You got Ewa Mataya Laurance
in the first round.
90
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,936
Hmm, The Striking Viking.
91
00:03:27,942 --> 00:03:29,042
Please?!
I'll do anything.
92
00:03:29,043 --> 00:03:30,443
Rallo, I really can't.
93
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,144
You can just wait
in the car.
94
00:03:32,146 --> 00:03:33,346
I'm not doing it.
95
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,377
Please!
No.
96
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:35,511
Please!
No!
97
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:37,076
Please, Dad.
98
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:40,988
It's working.
The blended family is working.
99
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,848
Rallo called me "Dad."
100
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,156
Oh, Cleveland,
that's wonderful.
101
00:03:44,158 --> 00:03:46,488
I'm gonna mold that boy
into my own image.
102
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:48,533
He'll be like a little me.
103
00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:50,129
A Cleveland Jr.,
if you will.
104
00:03:50,130 --> 00:03:52,600
You already have
a Cleveland Jr.
105
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,130
Donna, I don't have time
for you to be right.
106
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,434
I got to get dressed.
107
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:58,036
I'm taking my boy
to the magic show.
108
00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,338
(voice breaking):
I just hope they have
109
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,340
the pull-the-hanky-
from-the-sleeve act,
110
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:05,783
'cause I'm gonna need
all 200 of 'em.
111
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,779
(whimpers)
112
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,581
You're gonna be fine.
113
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,583
Lord knows you can't do
any worse than the last time
114
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,985
Robert took Rallo
for the weekend.
115
00:04:13,988 --> 00:04:16,818
(cheering and whooping)
116
00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:18,494
(yelling)
117
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,932
Put me down, you human garbage!
118
00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:25,099
(whimsical music plays)
119
00:04:34,340 --> 00:04:35,970
(à la Willy Wonka):
Hold your breath.
120
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:39,036
Make a wish.
121
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:40,776
Count to three.
122
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:42,751
Now hold your breath again
123
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:46,250
because I'm farting
and farting.
124
00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:51,423
Wow.
125
00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:53,055
See?
126
00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:56,827
Can you tell my fortune?
127
00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,030
Colon cancer.
128
00:04:58,032 --> 00:04:59,402
Dang.
129
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,702
Wow.
Can I keep him?
130
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:05,835
Of course you can.
131
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,369
Anything you find in
your hat is yours.
132
00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:11,605
Ever since
Stetson v. Oklahoma.
133
00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:14,112
Cool, a Ferrari. Mine.
134
00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:16,654
(laughs, engine revs,
tires squeal)
135
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,350
(screams, crashing sounds)
136
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,923
Not my car.
137
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,662
(siren wailing)
138
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:28,993
(audience cheering)
139
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,201
EMCEE:
And now ladies and gentlemen,
140
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,000
our main attraction,
Magical Johnson!
141
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,174
(audience cheering)
142
00:05:39,972 --> 00:05:42,012
(whispers):
That's my boy sitting on my lap.
143
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,039
(whispers):
Good.
144
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,113
Technically, my stepson,
145
00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:47,612
but he called me "Dad" today
for the first time.
146
00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:49,184
Congratulations.
147
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,753
(sniffs deeply)
148
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:53,921
His hair smells wonderful.
Take a whiff.
149
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,251
I'm trying
to watch the show!
150
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,255
Smell it!
151
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,987
You're right.
It inice.
152
00:05:58,992 --> 00:06:00,162
Can I smell yours?
153
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,130
You could, but I have to use
154
00:06:02,129 --> 00:06:06,029
special shampoo on account
of my "p-soriasis."
155
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,173
(audience exclaims)
156
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,597
Can we stay after the show
157
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:11,002
to get Magical Johnson
to sign my program?
158
00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:14,214
We can stay here forever
as far as I'm concerned.
159
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,108
Forever.
160
00:06:16,110 --> 00:06:17,480
(inhales deeply)
161
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:18,838
Mmm...
162
00:06:19,812 --> 00:06:22,082
Oh, look at him--
all tuckered out
163
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:25,482
from a magical day
with his wonderful dad.
164
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,986
(groggily):
I'm not sleepy.
165
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,187
I'm just gonna rest
my eyes...
166
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:32,359
(snoring)
167
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:36,029
♪ Nights in white satin
168
00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:40,099
♪ Never reaching the end
169
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,000
♪ 'Cause I love you
170
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:45,003
♪ Whoa-whoa-whoa
171
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:49,035
♪ I love you.
172
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:50,612
Hey, it's you!
173
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,181
Magical Johnson is real!
174
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:55,149
Rallo, wake up!
175
00:06:55,149 --> 00:06:57,949
What are you doing here?
The auditions are tomorrow.
176
00:06:57,951 --> 00:06:59,121
Auditions?
177
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,149
Say, that's
a good-looking dummy.
178
00:07:01,155 --> 00:07:02,915
Who you calling a dummy,
dummy?
179
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,023
That's not polite.
180
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,794
Neither is beating
Daryl Hannah,
181
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:07,933
but that didn't stop
Jackson Browne.
182
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,688
(chuckles)
Okay, okay, I've seen enough.
183
00:07:09,696 --> 00:07:11,596
You open
the show Sunday.
184
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,798
Open the show?
185
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,500
That's how we do it
with new acts.
186
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:16,131
You do well, you move up.
187
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,096
And you probably will.
188
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,444
People love ventriloquists.
189
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,610
I think there's
been a mistake...
190
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:22,838
Is it a paying gig?
191
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,713
You are paid quite handsomely
in ear coins.
192
00:07:25,712 --> 00:07:28,182
BOTH:
We'll make a waxy fortune!
193
00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:29,652
See you Sunday!
194
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,320
Whoa.
You guys are good.
195
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,748
But so am I.
196
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,918
That's not what
I meant to do.
197
00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,894
Ta-tas!
198
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,160
But, Donna, we're not
doing anything wrong.
199
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:48,026
You'd be lying
to the audience.
200
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,495
And teaching my son
to lie is not okay.
201
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,974
You told him his
father was a war hero
202
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,213
and then Santa Claus.
203
00:07:54,208 --> 00:07:56,168
It's okay to lie
to children.
204
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:57,806
When I was raising Rallo
by myself,
205
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,381
if I didn't make up
the bogeyman,
206
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,649
I would've been so bored.
207
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,677
But all magic is based on lying.
208
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,123
David Copperfield doesn't
actually levitate
209
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,918
or turn canes into doves.
210
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,750
Although he did make
the Statue of Liberty disappear.
211
00:08:09,756 --> 00:08:12,116
That was real.
The one there now is fake.
212
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:14,585
It's two inches shorter
and way hotter.
213
00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:19,495
You can read about it on
my blog: HTTP, equal sign,
214
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,970
but with dots instead of dashes,
215
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,869
leaning to the right line,
leaning to the right line,
216
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,942
three W's, period,
217
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:30,610
Statue of Duplicity--
all one word-- period,
218
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:34,451
blogspot, period, C-O-M.
219
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:36,618
I said no,
and that's final.
220
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:37,917
Aw, dingleberries.
221
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:41,288
Listen, Donna, I rarely
ask you for anything.
222
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,918
You ask me
for things every day.
223
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,163
Just this morning you asked
224
00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,527
if I would put on your uniform
and work your shift.
225
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:47,657
And you didn't,
226
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,001
so would you just do
this one thing for me?
227
00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,597
This is exactly the kind
228
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:53,968
of father-son bonding
experience we need.
229
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,127
We tried camping
in the backyard,
230
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,966
but there was a scary cat.
231
00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:00,941
Okay, fine.
For you and Rallo.
232
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,541
You can do your act.
233
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,113
You won't regret this.
234
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,181
I'm sure I will.
235
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,808
Well, too bad.
236
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,783
You agreed and I got
it all on tape.
237
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,652
(muffled voice, heartbeat):
Okay, fine.
238
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:11,921
(heartbeat slows)
For you and Rallo.
239
00:09:11,919 --> 00:09:13,919
(heartbeat increases)
You can do your act.
240
00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,991
Cleveland,
is that your heartbeat?
241
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,019
Yeah, there's a
thumbtack in there.
242
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:19,115
Mmm.
243
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,856
You know, Dad, you two
are gonna need a manager.
244
00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:23,092
We should talk.
245
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:24,696
You? A manager?
246
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,498
What are
your qualifications?
247
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:28,030
I can be very persuasive.
248
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,495
Can't argue with that.
249
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,273
You got it.
250
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:36,109
♪ Hyum-hyum-ha...
251
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,109
(clears throat)
252
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,880
♪ Hyum-hyum-he...
253
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,280
Babbling brook.
254
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:44,022
Piper Perabo.
255
00:09:44,017 --> 00:09:46,417
Annal fissure.
256
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:47,420
(clears throat)
257
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:48,621
Vocals are warm.
258
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,862
(chuckles)
You're my favorite client.
259
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:53,187
How's my two favorite
clients doing?
260
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,463
When are we on?
261
00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:55,791
All business.
I love it.
262
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:56,996
You're up next.
263
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,627
And if you see anyone
in the audience
264
00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:00,972
you want to "meet" after,
let me know.
265
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:01,968
All right.
266
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,269
Whoever's in
the front row.
267
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,600
I want to find out how
268
00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:06,535
to get front row
tickets to things.
269
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:10,110
Give a warm welcome to our next
act, John J. Porque
270
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:13,310
and his recently adopted
inner-city son, Bean.
271
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,623
That's right,
it's Porque and Bean!
272
00:10:16,617 --> 00:10:18,017
(applause and cheering)
273
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:21,088
So, Bean, did you hear
what happened to the bee
274
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,618
who went to the doctor
for sticky hair?
275
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,324
No, Porque,
what happened?
276
00:10:25,325 --> 00:10:29,255
He told him
to stop using his honeycomb.
277
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,862
(woman coughs)
278
00:10:33,132 --> 00:10:35,932
(clears throat)
279
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,296
Word on the street is
280
00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:40,644
that Bazooka Joe's grandma
sewed him three socks.
281
00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:41,941
Why would she do that?
282
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:46,412
Because she heard that over
the summer he grew another foot.
283
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:47,953
MAN:
That's from gum.
284
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,978
Ah, put me out
of my misery.
285
00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,594
Anyone want to toss a
brother in a wood chipper?
286
00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:54,817
(laughter)
Stick to the act.
287
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,721
Stick to your diet,
you fat tub of crap.
288
00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:01,531
Now, that's clever.
289
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,698
(audience laughing)
290
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:07,327
Well, Bean, you got any other
problems with our act?
291
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,544
Let's see, you got me dressed
up like black Chucky,
292
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,137
you're doing
jokes so bad,
293
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:14,539
even Carlos Mencia
wouldn't steal them,
294
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,141
and according
to your breath,
295
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:19,143
you just ate a tuna sandwich
with extra fart sauce.
296
00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:20,306
(laughter)
297
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,753
They're so funny.
298
00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:23,748
You can't even see
his lips move.
299
00:11:23,750 --> 00:11:25,750
He's making
my lips move.
300
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:28,022
(whispers):
This will get you backstage.
301
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,151
Well, that's our time.
302
00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:31,156
Anything you want
to say before we go?
303
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,158
Yeah. Help!
304
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,829
AMBER Alert!
305
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,157
(cheering)
That's our act!
306
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,962
We're Porque and Bean!
307
00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:38,263
RALLO:
Good night!
308
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,900
Now, that's some montage music.
309
00:11:45,104 --> 00:11:46,874
("Magic Stick" by Lil' Kim
featuring 50 Cent playing)
310
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,313
♪ I got the magic stick
311
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:50,608
♪ I know if I can hit it once
312
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:51,980
♪ I can hit twice
313
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:54,078
♪ I hit the baddest chicks
314
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,281
♪ Shorty don't believe me
315
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:56,652
♪ Then come with me tonight
316
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,780
♪ And I'll show you magic
317
00:11:58,785 --> 00:11:59,915
♪ What? What?
318
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,020
♪ Magic
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
319
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,092
♪ I got the magic stick
320
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,491
♪ I'm a freak to the core
321
00:12:05,492 --> 00:12:07,862
♪ Get a dose once,
you gonna want some more ♪
322
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,931
♪ My ... touch you girl,
your toes bound to curl ♪
323
00:12:09,930 --> 00:12:12,960
♪ This exclusive stick
I don't share with the world ♪
324
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:16,296
♪ I have you up early
in the mornin' moanin' ♪
325
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,303
♪ Proper or low can't stop us
326
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,535
♪ Been a fiend for this
since Rakim made hits ♪
327
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:23,440
♪ Get the position down pat,
then it's time to switch ♪
328
00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,813
♪ I rock the boat,
I work the middle ♪
329
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,482
♪ I ..., straight beat it up
330
00:12:28,482 --> 00:12:32,022
♪ And I ain't in the hood
with my ... out loc ♪
331
00:12:32,018 --> 00:12:34,418
♪ I'm in the telly
working up a sweat strokin' ♪
332
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,491
♪ Tonight's the night
you could fall in love ♪
333
00:12:36,490 --> 00:12:39,120
♪ You could call your mama right
now, tell her you met a thug ♪
334
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:40,926
♪ (bleep) pop a lot
'cause I can back it up... ♪
335
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,957
Cut it! Cut the song!
(music stops)
336
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:45,833
Hadn't really listened
to those lyrics before.
337
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:49,932
Starting to think
the magic stick is not a wand.
338
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,966
Did you hear that
crowd tonight?
339
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,172
We tore this place
a new funny bone.
340
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:57,114
I'm telling you, we killed,
like Michael Vick did
341
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,780
to all those poor, innocent...
342
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:01,949
NFL defenses.
343
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:02,908
(laughs)
344
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,976
He paid his dues, people,
let it go.
345
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,315
That crowd
was eating me up.
346
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:08,420
"Us" up.
347
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:10,791
Please, Rallo,
you're just a prop.
348
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:13,161
Nobody remembers
Oscar the Grouch.
349
00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:16,590
They remember his puppeteer,
Caroll Spinney.
350
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:17,626
(knocking)
351
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:18,761
One minute.
352
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,195
(whispers):
Dummy mode.
353
00:13:23,702 --> 00:13:27,042
I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Graham Kensington,
354
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:30,810
the Chester Herald'sesteemed ventriloquist critic.
355
00:13:30,811 --> 00:13:33,011
I've seen many a
man and his dummy
356
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,013
tread the boards
in my time.
357
00:13:35,015 --> 00:13:36,945
Some good, some bad.
358
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,480
But you...?
359
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,115
You're no ventriloquist.
360
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,121
I'm not?
361
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:45,262
No. You'an artiste!
362
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:48,088
To think that one man,
one man,
363
00:13:48,094 --> 00:13:50,864
could do two
such disparate voices.
364
00:13:50,864 --> 00:13:52,134
It's a gift.
365
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:56,302
You are single-handedly
redefining ventriloquism.
366
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:57,973
I am only as great
367
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:01,341
as the people who
notice how great I am.
368
00:14:03,943 --> 00:14:06,783
That act is all me.
369
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:08,680
I feel so betrayed.
370
00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:11,152
This is worse than
what Judas did to Jesus.
371
00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:14,117
Man, I hope Tammy's here.
372
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,990
Hey, can I see
that wine real quick?
373
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,989
H-Hey! Hope you like red.
374
00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:20,021
Oh, thank you.
375
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,956
You are so thoughtful,
Judas.
376
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,863
Hi, Jesus.
377
00:14:24,865 --> 00:14:27,995
Strike two, Judas!
378
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,941
So, what do you think
of my mustache?
379
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:34,137
It's black and it stinks,
just like the rest of you.
380
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:37,040
(laughs) Thank you. Thank you
for laughing at my joke.
381
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:38,283
I do both voices.
Thank you.
382
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:39,478
That's it!
383
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,349
I'm sick of you
taking all the credit!
384
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:43,078
All right, Bean.
That's enough.
385
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,583
You don't want to go
back in your coffin.
386
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:47,745
You're a no-talent,
credit-hogging hack!
387
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:50,024
Bean, that's no way
to talk to your dad.
388
00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,023
Porque you. You're not my dad.
389
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:54,925
I only called you that so you'd
take me to the magic show.
390
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:56,658
No... you meant it.
391
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,933
No, I played you.
392
00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,961
You're not my dad,
and you never will be.
393
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:01,926
Getting a little too real.
394
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,365
Yeah. And sexy.
395
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:04,640
What?
396
00:15:04,638 --> 00:15:08,008
So then, it was all
just a... just a trick?
397
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:08,968
That's right.
398
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:12,375
(pained barking
seal sounds)
399
00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:18,353
Tell me that's not us.
400
00:15:19,985 --> 00:15:22,045
(sobbing)
401
00:15:28,627 --> 00:15:30,127
I'm sure Rallo didn't mean it.
402
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:31,200
ROBERTA:
He meant it.
403
00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:34,967
See? He'll never
call me "Daddy" again.
404
00:15:34,968 --> 00:15:38,598
Hmm, hmm, soft face.
405
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,805
Good God! Rallo, get in here!
406
00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,007
I don't want to see him.
407
00:15:42,008 --> 00:15:43,168
How do I look?
408
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,506
Hey, Mama.
Hey, not Dad.
409
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:46,982
(sobbing)
Gwah!
410
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,280
Rallo, please tell him
411
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,021
that what you said
was out of anger.
412
00:15:51,017 --> 00:15:54,247
You can see that I am
clearly not angry anymore.
413
00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,024
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
414
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:59,592
You are not my father,
and you never will be.
415
00:16:00,759 --> 00:16:02,289
No! No!
416
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,695
Tell me he didn't say it.
417
00:16:03,697 --> 00:16:04,857
Great news.
418
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:07,874
I booked Porque and Bean
at The Orpheum Theater.
419
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,097
No show!
420
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:11,272
There's no porking way
I'm performing
421
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,101
with that has-bean!
422
00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:15,035
That is it.
423
00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,941
I have had it up to here.
424
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:19,083
You two are doing that show.
425
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:20,279
And not because Junior
426
00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:21,910
put so much effort
into booking it.
427
00:16:21,915 --> 00:16:23,645
And not because the family
428
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:25,450
could use a few extra bucks
this month.
429
00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:28,822
But because I refuse
to let ventriloquism
430
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,192
tear this family apart.
431
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:33,520
Not again. Never again.
432
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:36,686
You two need to learn
to work together as a team.
433
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:39,996
Not as master and puppet,
but as father and son.
434
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,630
Uh-uh, push on, Mama.
435
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,044
Do it or I'll tell everyone
at school
436
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:45,997
about your Hello Kitty
cupcake oven.
437
00:16:46,006 --> 00:16:49,006
I just got that
to impress Asian girls.
438
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,539
All right. I'll do it.
439
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,613
Why do you care so much anyway?
440
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,412
A mother's selflessness.
441
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:58,584
How many blind mice do you
bitches wanna see tonight?!
442
00:16:58,585 --> 00:16:59,815
AUDIENCE:
Three!
443
00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:01,989
(playing "Three Blind Mice")
444
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:07,126
Sorry, guys, I had to bundle
her act along with yours
445
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,327
or she threatened to stop
making beef stroganoff.
446
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:10,999
That's all right,
she jammin'.
447
00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:13,027
See how they run!
448
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:16,033
And just so you know, I am
still not talking to you,
449
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,536
that sentence not included.
450
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,637
I have no problem
talking to you.
451
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,169
Really? Good, because I thought
you weren't talking to me,
452
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,975
so that's why I said
I wasn't talking to you,
453
00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:25,337
even though I wanted
to talk to you,
454
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,105
but I was trying to
act all coolio and...
455
00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:28,753
But I am not talking
to them.
456
00:17:28,748 --> 00:17:29,948
Come again?
457
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:32,119
You want a puppet, you got one.
458
00:17:32,118 --> 00:17:34,018
I'll move my mouth,
but that's it.
459
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:36,950
Let's see how good
a ventriloquist you really are.
460
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,116
(gulps)
461
00:17:38,124 --> 00:17:40,124
(applause and cheering)
462
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,526
And now, for the act you've all
463
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:45,459
inexplicably come to see...
464
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,125
Porque and Bean!
465
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:49,804
(cheering)
466
00:17:49,803 --> 00:17:54,443
I pray I haven't come all
this way for nothing, Graham.
467
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,041
Trust me, Allister.
468
00:17:56,042 --> 00:17:57,782
You're in for
quite a treat.
469
00:17:57,777 --> 00:17:59,477
(whispers):
Julius, don't look.
470
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:02,849
That's Allister Monkarsh
sitting behind us.
471
00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,149
The Karsh?!
472
00:18:05,451 --> 00:18:06,951
I said don't look.
473
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:09,253
I hope to intern
for him someday.
474
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,955
A critic's intern.
475
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,787
What a nightmare.
476
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,092
Good evening, folks.
477
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:15,364
Say, "hello," Bean.
478
00:18:15,361 --> 00:18:16,931
Hello, Bean.
479
00:18:16,930 --> 00:18:19,260
Say, are you trying to do
an impression of me?
480
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:20,625
Yes, sir.
481
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:23,103
That's why I sound
very similar to you.
482
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:24,443
That's pretty good.
483
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,137
You do any other
impressions?
484
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,339
No.
485
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,040
Oh.
486
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:32,982
So, Bean, anything you have
to say about my appearance?
487
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,679
Yeah, you could stand
to lose a few pounds.
488
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,012
For serious?
489
00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:38,346
No, I'm just joshing.
490
00:18:38,351 --> 00:18:41,651
The only thing you need
to lose is your humility.
491
00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,064
(audience booing)
492
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:47,024
MAN:
I missed my wife's funeral for this?
493
00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,156
MAN 2:
This is a funeral.
494
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,831
MAN 1 (laughs):
Oh, you're bad.
495
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,899
(booing continues)
496
00:18:56,835 --> 00:18:59,095
(clears throat)
497
00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:01,805
Ladies and gentleman,
I have a confession.
498
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,608
You have been lied to.
499
00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:04,910
Don't do this.
500
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:06,311
No, I have to.
501
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,912
There's only one dummy up here
tonight and that's me.
502
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:13,176
When you called me "Dad,"
it changed everything.
503
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:16,946
Every fight we ever had,
every insult you ever made,
504
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:21,086
every ball of mine you ever
punched was all wiped away.
505
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:23,964
Because from the moment
I became your dad,
506
00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:28,433
it's become the only thing
that I want to be.
507
00:19:28,434 --> 00:19:30,944
But I already have a dad.
508
00:19:30,937 --> 00:19:31,997
I know that.
509
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,265
But who says
you can't have two?
510
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,474
MAN:
God.
511
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:38,935
Folks, this boy is why
you're here tonight.
512
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:42,975
He's been the brains behind
this operation since day one.
513
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,422
He's the talent.
514
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:45,817
I'm the dummy.
515
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:49,088
You already used that metaphor,
fat face.
516
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,288
I mean, fat Dad.
517
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:55,461
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
my boy is back.
518
00:19:55,461 --> 00:19:56,931
Oh, oh, oh.
519
00:19:56,930 --> 00:19:59,930
(sniffing)
Mmm... mmm...
520
00:19:59,933 --> 00:20:02,103
(sniffs)
Mmm...
521
00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,201
(cheering)
522
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:07,767
Hazel, get this down
for the evening edition.
523
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:11,244
"Even while sobbing,
his lips never moved,
524
00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:15,114
but tongues will be wagging
about Porque and Bean!"
525
00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:18,154
And, uh... yes, that's it.
526
00:20:18,151 --> 00:20:19,951
That's the end of the article.
527
00:20:19,953 --> 00:20:22,423
Junior, rent a bus.
528
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,492
Because this show's
going to Carnegie Hall.
529
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:25,820
You hear that, Mama?
530
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,085
I'm gonna play
Carnegie Hall.
531
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:31,034
So screw you, Mama!
532
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,800
(sobbing)
533
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:35,099
I miss you.
534
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:38,741
Go ahead.
535
00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:42,205
(audience gasping)
536
00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:45,082
The dummy's come alive!
537
00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:47,348
He'll kill us all!
538
00:20:47,347 --> 00:20:50,717
(panicked screaming)
539
00:20:50,767 --> 00:20:55,317
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