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00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:07,471
NARRATOR:
A benign yet ambitious wind
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00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,675
surges through the trees.
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00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:12,537
The air smells sweet,
4
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,106
and cool.
5
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:18,075
(harshly):
A storm is coming; a hurricane;
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00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:20,185
a wet earthquake;
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00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,317
a flying tidal wave;
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00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,423
bad stuff...
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00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,155
on Fox.
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00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:29,964
(funky disco plays)
♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
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00:00:29,964 --> 00:00:32,264
♪ And I am proud to be
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00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,666
♪ Right back in my hometown
13
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:37,338
♪ With my new family
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00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:39,668
♪ There's old friends
and new friends ♪
15
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,943
♪ And even a bear
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00:00:41,942 --> 00:00:44,012
♪ Through good times
and bad times ♪
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00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:45,781
♪ It's true love we share
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00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:48,050
♪ And so I found a place
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00:00:48,049 --> 00:00:50,119
♪ Where everyone will know
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00:00:50,117 --> 00:00:52,277
♪ My happy mustached face
21
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,746
♪ This is The Cleveland Show. ♪
22
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,585
(chuckles)
23
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:59,530
Now, food, I don't want you
to take this personal,
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00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,787
but you're going
♪ Down-down-down-down-down
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00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:02,996
♪ Down-down-down-down
down-down ♪
26
00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:04,497
♪ Down-down-down-down
down-down ♪
27
00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:05,958
♪ Down-down-down-down...
Cleveland? Ah!
28
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:09,126
Cleveland, we're only gonna
be on the cruise for a week.
29
00:01:09,136 --> 00:01:10,296
I really don't think
it's necessary
30
00:01:10,304 --> 00:01:11,944
to throw out everything
in the fridge.
31
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:14,209
Maybe you forgot about
the last time
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00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,608
we left unattended food
in the house.
33
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:18,040
(crying)
34
00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,135
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
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00:01:19,146 --> 00:01:21,046
(sniffs)
It wasn't my fault!
36
00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,978
It-it... it was
an accident.
37
00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:25,183
(crying):
I'm sorry.
38
00:01:25,186 --> 00:01:27,116
No!
Wait! (gunshot)
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00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:29,791
Cleveland, that
did not happen.
40
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:30,990
Oh, Donna.
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00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:35,131
When the imagination dies,
can the soul be far behind?
42
00:01:35,129 --> 00:01:38,329
Federline just DM'd me
on my Twitter. Sick!
43
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:40,302
Well, it was bound to
happen sooner or later,
44
00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:41,631
dressed the way you are.
45
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:42,625
No, fool!
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00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:43,866
He sent me a message.
47
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,001
There's something on TV
we need to see!
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00:01:47,373 --> 00:01:49,313
TV ANNOUNCER:
We interrupt this program
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00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,440
to bring you
an urgent weather report.
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00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,984
(news theme playing)
51
00:01:51,979 --> 00:01:53,479
Good evening.
52
00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,611
I'm Dwayne Meighan the news.
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00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,476
Time for run or take covers!
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00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:01,085
Max the Weather Dog has
prediction hurricane approach
55
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,318
will had becoming fast approach
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00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:06,334
on Stoolbend greater area
at this time.
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00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:09,027
This hurricane name Flozell.
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00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:11,799
Oh, finally! A black hurricane.
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00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,499
Big, large wind blow,
60
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,031
and-and the rain
had be come soon.
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00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:18,136
Buckets full all wet.
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00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:21,669
For longer detail
we have Larvell, my friend.
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00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:24,005
Larvell, my friend?
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00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,151
So, this is wild, man.
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00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:28,977
What I heard was,
due to global warming,
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00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,623
the storm's gonna be here
for a while,
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00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:35,019
then in Quahog
about in like a half-hour,
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00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:36,922
then supposedly after that,
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00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:40,034
it'll go to American Dad town.
Dwayne?
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00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,487
Thanks you, Larvell.
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00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,095
Please remember viewers,
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00:02:43,097 --> 00:02:44,927
every person and individuals
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00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:48,672
advised to leave and ejacuate
Stoolbrend greater area
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00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,669
until further notice something
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00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,701
okay, come on home.
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00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,366
Stay dries.
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00:02:54,375 --> 00:02:56,635
Sweet pies and category fives!
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00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:59,014
Kids, we are blowing town now!
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00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,113
This is what we trained for!
80
00:03:01,115 --> 00:03:02,545
Go, go, go!
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00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:13,525
(slap; horse neighs)
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00:03:15,161 --> 00:03:16,661
(shredder whirs)
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00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:18,804
Nobody's going anywhere!
84
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,669
But there's a hurricane
a-coming!
85
00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:21,928
Are you out of your mind?
86
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:23,096
Trust me, Junior.
87
00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:25,103
This "hurricane"
as they're calling it,
88
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:27,335
is just overblown media hype,
89
00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:30,041
like Swine flu
or Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
90
00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,014
Besides, when was the last time
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00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,952
a hurricane ever did
any real damage to anything?
92
00:03:34,949 --> 00:03:36,449
And no one say Katrina.
93
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,254
See? We'll be fine.
94
00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,854
(wind howls, rain pelting)
95
00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:44,816
Okay, thanks for calling.
96
00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,185
(phone beeps off)
Well, everyone, I've got some bad news.
97
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:50,334
Fox won't let us do
the Joseph Gordon-Levitt joke.
98
00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,261
Aw.
Aw, man; that was funny.
99
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:53,866
But he's so
terrible. Typical.
100
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:56,367
Apparently he's doing a big
summer movie for them,
101
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,040
and they don't want us
making fun of him.
102
00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:01,008
Oh, and the cruise
has been canceled
103
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,138
because of the hurricane.
104
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,142
No, oh...
SPF-this!
105
00:04:04,144 --> 00:04:05,514
All that waxing
for nothing
106
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,012
All that waxing
for nothing.
107
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,054
Oh, baby,
I'm so sorry.
108
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:12,019
I know how much you wanted to
see Florida from a distance.
109
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:15,019
It's the only humane way
to experience it.
110
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,122
Sorry, kids.
Maybe next year.
111
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,694
Aw, man. I've been working out
112
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,432
for weeks to get pool ready.
113
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:21,557
Check it.
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00:04:22,695 --> 00:04:25,195
(grunts, laughs)
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00:04:25,199 --> 00:04:29,029
I'm friends with Roger Clemens'
wife's doctor. (kisses)
116
00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:32,096
I was going to hook-up
with a sexy Cuban towel boy.
117
00:04:32,106 --> 00:04:34,036
And it wouldn't be
cheating on Federline,
118
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,011
because the Internet says
119
00:04:35,009 --> 00:04:37,679
sex doesn't count
if it happens in water.
120
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,008
That's true, by the way.
121
00:04:39,013 --> 00:04:41,013
Oh, I know.
(growling): Oh...?
122
00:04:41,015 --> 00:04:43,775
(sighs)
I guess we'll just go unpack.
123
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,948
No! That's just what
the suitcases want.
124
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:50,115
Look, if we can't
go on the cruise,
125
00:04:50,124 --> 00:04:53,134
then we'll just have the cruise
right here in the house!
126
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,027
House cruise!
(all cheer)
127
00:04:56,030 --> 00:05:00,100
(The Love Boat theme music
plays)
128
00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:17,218
(music stops)
All right,
129
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,317
what else do you do
on a boat? Well, let's see:
130
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,020
you throw up from seasickness,
131
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,791
throw up from too much rum,
132
00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:24,620
throw up from food poisoning...
133
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:25,655
Food!
134
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,729
To the all-you-can-eat buffet!
135
00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:30,425
(all gasp)
136
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:31,801
Where'd the food go?
137
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,999
Look, clearly someone
threw it all out.
138
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,471
Let's not point fingers.
139
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:38,139
I'm sure whoever I am
feels bad enough.
140
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:41,168
No biggie; I'll just
run down to the market.
141
00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:44,275
(kiss; wind howls)
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00:05:44,278 --> 00:05:47,648
(Cleveland screams three times)
143
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:49,548
(bang on door;
doorbell rings repeatedly)
144
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,850
(panting)
145
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,292
So... not gonna make it
to the market.
146
00:05:54,288 --> 00:05:56,988
Maybe we should have
evacuated, Cleveland.
147
00:05:56,990 --> 00:05:58,920
Why didn't you listen to the TV?
148
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,156
The TV always knows what's best!
149
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:02,191
Okay, fine.
150
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:03,956
We'll see what it says now.
151
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:05,964
Outside wind you can see
152
00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:08,926
sideways blow rainy condition.
153
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,036
Streets had been closed,
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00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:14,938
and businesses with the boards
on window protect glass. (clank)
155
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:16,312
Bad weather.
(plunk)
156
00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:19,980
For additional inflammation
here goes Mayor Box,
157
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,110
from undisclosed location
158
00:06:22,116 --> 00:06:24,516
at Flamingo Hilton, Las Vegas.
159
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,088
And this hurricane is, uh,
pretty (bleep) serious.
160
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:29,087
It's a category four
or some (bleep).
161
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,859
So, if you didn't evacuate when
we (bleep) told you to,
162
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,989
then stay inside until
the (bleep) passes,
163
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,094
or you'll probably (bleep) die.
164
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,426
Box out.
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00:06:38,431 --> 00:06:40,031
(wind howling)
166
00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:44,044
(grunts)
167
00:06:44,037 --> 00:06:46,197
Food... food... hungry...
168
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,036
food... There's nothing here!
169
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:51,112
Donna, how could you
have let this happen?!
170
00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:53,011
Me?! You threw
out all the food!
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00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,183
I just cleaned out
the refrigerator!
172
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:57,022
Why is the pantry empty?
173
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,677
Don't you ever
go to the market?!
174
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:01,985
Okay, first of all,
stop calling it "the market."
175
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:04,289
You're not a white woman
in 1956.
176
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,021
It's calleda "grocery store."
177
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,786
And second,
I go every single day
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00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:10,156
on my way home from work.
179
00:07:10,164 --> 00:07:11,264
Every day?
180
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,525
That's... right.
181
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,033
You go to The Stool:
I go to Kroger's.
182
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,595
I have some free wine,
see my friends
183
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,974
and pick up 24 hours
worth of food.
184
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:22,013
That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.
185
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:26,039
Only the elderly and Artie Lange
buy food one day at a time.
186
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:29,976
Cleveland, it is the only
time I get to myself.
187
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:33,623
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm going to the bathroom.
188
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,790
And leave me all
by my lonesome?
189
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,859
(sighs)
Okay, come on.
190
00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:38,958
Yay...!
191
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,589
(squeaking)
192
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,794
(wind howls)
(man groans)
193
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,085
(shutters flapping)
194
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,226
(lightning crackles,
thunder cracks)
195
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:47,999
We're all gonna die...!
196
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,301
(Rallo and Roberta scream)
197
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:51,003
Everybody calm down!
198
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,704
Let's all join hands
199
00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:55,206
and ask God to protect us
from the storm.
200
00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:58,275
Dear Lord... uh...
201
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,347
Junior, what are you doing?!
202
00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:04,679
Get over here and pray
with your family!
203
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,075
No, thank you.
204
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,646
But the storm!
Yeah, I don't think praying
205
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,515
is going to make
the storm go away.
206
00:08:10,524 --> 00:08:12,694
You don't think
God's going to help us?!
207
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,863
Nope. I don't believe in God.
208
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:15,932
(lightning crackles,
thunderclap)
209
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,129
ALL:
What?!
210
00:08:17,130 --> 00:08:19,300
I don't believe in God.
211
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:20,299
(thunderclap)
212
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,470
You should not say such things,
213
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,969
boy visiting
from down the street!
214
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,372
(thunderclap)
Okay, he's mine!
215
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,743
You know that!
216
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,483
(thunder booming, wind whipping)
217
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,049
(yelling):
Junior, how can you
218
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,807
not believe in God?!
219
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:38,516
What?
I said, "How can you..."
220
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,289
You know what?
Let's go in the kitchen.
221
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:41,747
(raging winds, then silence)
222
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:42,915
There we go.
223
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,923
Now, how can you
not believe in God?
224
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,025
Well, I started
questioning things
225
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,357
when Mom said Jesus forgave her
226
00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:51,533
after her affair
with Mr. Quagmire.
227
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,772
It just seemed too easy.
228
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:57,437
So, after a while, I decided
to not take Journey's advice,
229
00:08:57,437 --> 00:09:00,467
and I did stop believin'.
(giggles)
230
00:09:00,474 --> 00:09:03,144
So, you're an athe... an athe...
231
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,983
I can't even say the word!
232
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,378
(bangs window)
Atheist.
233
00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:09,111
No, I'm not.
234
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,016
Atheism is a religion, too.
235
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,018
And thosepeople are the worst.
236
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,690
You remember Brian Griffin
back in Quahog?
237
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,919
The dog?
Yeah.
238
00:09:17,925 --> 00:09:20,855
Remember what an insufferable
d-bag he was about it?
239
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,301
Of course I do, son, but
Christianity makes sense:
240
00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:26,298
a virgin had God's baby,
241
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:29,370
who then grew up to be murdered
by the (clears throat) Romans,
242
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,669
so you and I could be forgiven
for Eve eating that apple
243
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:34,443
she got from the talking snake.
244
00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,711
Three days later,
Jesus rose from the dead
245
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:39,950
to tell everyone he was coming
back someday to fight the Devil;
246
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,007
then he flew up
to his mansion in Heaven
247
00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,675
where he sits in judgment
of the gays!
248
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,615
How can you not believe that?!
249
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:49,960
Just don't.
But this is a Christian home!
250
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,687
Then how come
we never go to church?
251
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,962
Church is for those
in need, Junior.
252
00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,131
You don't go to the doctor
when you're healthy.
253
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,929
And now
there's a hurricane.
254
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,671
Miss Donna, why do you
believe in God?
255
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,527
I'm a black woman in the South.
256
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:05,140
That's it.
257
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,008
I'll be in my room.
258
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,037
(thunder crashing)
259
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:10,181
Cleveland, do something
about him!
260
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,207
All right, let
me pray on it.
261
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:17,179
(whistling breath, snoring)
262
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:20,154
(meowing, snoring, meowing)
263
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,623
(sighs)
I'll handle this.
264
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:24,493
I've converted all
my friends at school,
265
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,161
and I'm pretty close
to breaking Mrs. Lowenstein.
266
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:30,260
Man, can you imagine
if I turned a Jew?
267
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,333
Wow.
268
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,672
CLEVELAND JR.:
Ha!
269
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:35,967
I finally beat you,
you stuffed animal!
270
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,699
(knocking on door)
Hey, Junior.
271
00:10:37,704 --> 00:10:39,104
You mind if I come in?
272
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,206
Be my guest.
273
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,467
I heard what you
said downstairs.
274
00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,376
Heartbreaking stuff, man.
275
00:10:44,378 --> 00:10:45,878
It got me thinking about
276
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:47,949
how much you and I
have in common. Really?
277
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:48,948
Mm-hmm.
278
00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,779
I used to be just like you.
279
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:52,824
Lost. No direction.
280
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,649
I was a real troublemaker.
281
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,985
Then one day,
I pushed things too far.
282
00:10:56,990 --> 00:11:00,360
Drew on the wall with a crayon
after Momma told me not to.
283
00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,160
(gasps)
Oh, no!
284
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,502
That was the day
my luck ran out.
285
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:08,268
Got put in a time-out--
ten to 15-- mandatory minimum.
286
00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:12,038
That's hard time for a kid,
time I'll never get back,
287
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,809
so I prayed
for forgiveness,
288
00:11:13,807 --> 00:11:17,107
and Jesus entered my heart
and changed my life.
289
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,280
It was divine
intervention.
290
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:21,479
You drew on the wall
the next day.
291
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,651
In the name of the Lord.
292
00:11:22,649 --> 00:11:24,049
I'm talking about faith.
293
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:26,951
I believe that the man
who created the entire universe
294
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:29,923
knows my name
and cares what happens to me.
295
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,293
Do you know
what that is?
296
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,291
Narcissism?
297
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,133
That boy's
as stubborn as a--
298
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:38,199
what do you call that thing
that's like a little horse?
299
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,198
A pony?
300
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,469
Are you serious?
301
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,967
A baby horse.
302
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:43,198
CLEVELAND JR.:
A mule.
303
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:46,143
Junior-- we have
to save Junior.
304
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:49,339
Time to break out
the big guns.
305
00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,012
(thunder cracks)
306
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:53,311
CLEVELAND (singsongy):
Oh, Junior.
307
00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,553
(organ playing)
308
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:57,318
Hey, son.
309
00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,677
I was just sitting here,
310
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:01,315
playing this old organ
I dragged up from the basement,
311
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,421
and thinking about the Lord.
312
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:04,823
Something to do.
313
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:07,955
Oh, Junior, you kids today
have so many distractions,
314
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:09,991
with your iPods
and your Furbys
315
00:12:09,996 --> 00:12:12,326
and your Classmates.com.
316
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:16,172
You probably don't even
realize how cool Jesus is,
317
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:17,669
but let me tell you, son.
318
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:19,001
Give me a beat.
319
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:20,965
RALLO AND ROBERTA:
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
320
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:22,844
♪ Ooh,ooh, ooh ♪
321
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,983
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
322
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,138
♪ Ooh,ooh, ooh ♪
323
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:28,446
♪ There was a hole
♪ Was a hole ♪
324
00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:30,618
♪In my life
♪ In his life ♪
325
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:33,987
♪ And now it's filled
with Jesus ♪ ♪ It's filled with Jesus ♪
326
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,947
♪ There was a hole
♪ Was a hole ♪
327
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:37,916
♪ In my wife
♪ Hole in wife ♪
328
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:41,034
♪ Her hole's filled
with Jesus, too ♪
329
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,927
♪ That came out wrong ♪
330
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:47,499
♪ My cup is filled
by my redeemer ♪
331
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:51,171
♪ I'm the coffee,
he's the creamer ♪
332
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:55,011
ALL:
♪ Worship him or he'll damn you all to Hell! ♪
333
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,638
Whoo, praise the Lord!
334
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:59,213
You know, the Bible says that
when two or more are gathered
335
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:02,112
in his name,
he will be there, too,
336
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,945
and I can feel him here tonight!
337
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:04,650
Amen.
338
00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:05,951
You listening, Junior?
339
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:09,652
He is here in this room,
and he wants you to know
340
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:12,016
he can work miracles
in your life.
341
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:16,085
♪ He raised the dead,
he healed the lame ♪
342
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:20,096
♪ He helped me win
my T-ball game ♪
343
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:24,040
♪ He turned water into wine
344
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:28,267
♪ Not Boone's Farm,
the fancy kind ♪
345
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,835
♪ Worship him or he'll
damn you all to Hell! ♪
346
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:33,514
Whoo, I'm gonna dance now
'cause I ain't a Baptist.
347
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:34,783
♪ There was a hole
348
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:35,781
♪ Was a hole ♪
349
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:36,782
♪ In my life
350
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,053
♪ In his life ♪
351
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,321
♪ And now it's filled
with Jesus ♪
352
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,890
♪ It's filled with Christ ♪
353
00:13:43,689 --> 00:13:45,489
♪ The coolest guy
from Bethlehem ♪
354
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,092
♪ Misunderstood like Eminem
355
00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:49,033
♪ His throne sits
past the pearly gates ♪
356
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,359
♪ I pray to him
when I'm two weeks late... ♪
357
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:52,664
(music stops)
With a term paper.
358
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:53,966
(music resumes)
359
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:57,997
♪ If you're stuck with kids
that act like pills ♪
360
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:02,014
♪ He finds a man
to pay your bills ♪
361
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:06,138
♪ He loves you,
but he will damn you to ♪
362
00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:10,846
♪ He loves you, but he will
damn you to ♪
363
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,951
♪ He loves you, but He will
364
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:16,423
♪ Damn you to Hell...
365
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,323
♪ Damn you all to Hell!
366
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,385
(all panting)
367
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:26,533
Yay!
368
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:28,603
But... no.
369
00:14:32,104 --> 00:14:34,114
What were we thinking,
370
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:37,807
doing a huge production number
with no food in the house?
371
00:14:37,811 --> 00:14:40,041
Stupid, stupid.
372
00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,106
I'm so hungry.
373
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,549
Ugh, oh, that's nasty.
374
00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:46,522
(spits)
375
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:48,589
(groaning)
376
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:53,957
Dumb fern.
377
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:55,090
Don't eat that.
378
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,825
Hey, Momma,
I know I've been
379
00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:58,960
off the boob
for a few years now,
380
00:14:58,965 --> 00:15:01,495
but you think maybe you could
work up a little something
381
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:02,931
for old time's sake?
382
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,836
I'm sorry, baby, but these
are just for show now.
383
00:15:05,839 --> 00:15:07,769
The only thing they
produce is stares
384
00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:09,474
from Asian men
at the bank.
385
00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:11,006
We're going to starve to death.
386
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,281
(sobbing)
387
00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:14,809
Hey, where's Junior,
388
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:17,454
and why isn't he in here trying
to eat one of us?
389
00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:19,480
I bet he's hiding
food in his room.
390
00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:20,786
Of course.
391
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,617
Now, maybe this is just
the severe hunger talking,
392
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,493
but let's get
that bloated son of a bitch
393
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,093
and rip his arms off!
394
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:31,034
(all screaming)
395
00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,801
(gasping)
396
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:36,329
Junior, how could you hoard food
from your own family?!
397
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,596
What?
398
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:38,944
I'm not hoarding food.
399
00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:40,169
I'm rationing it.
400
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:42,043
I don't know the difference!
401
00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:43,942
Look, I knew
the storm was coming
402
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:45,714
because I'm the only one
in the house
403
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:49,982
who pays attention to the news,
so I stocked up on essentials.
404
00:15:49,983 --> 00:15:53,023
I took everyone's BMI
and daily caloric intake
405
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:56,989
and rationed enough food for
each of us to eat for four days.
406
00:15:56,990 --> 00:15:57,960
Nerd.
407
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,788
I care about
you, okay,
408
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:03,033
and you come in here and
accuse me of hoarding?
409
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,634
You know what?
410
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:07,873
If you're so hungry,
411
00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:10,497
why don't you just pray
for some damn food?
412
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:11,503
(all gasp)
413
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,944
How dare you
mock the Lord
414
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,809
in the middle of a natural
disaster he created!
415
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:19,039
And then deny food
to your starving family!
416
00:16:19,045 --> 00:16:21,175
(thunderclap)
You betrayed us, Junior.
417
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:26,151
May God bring his wrath
upon thee!
418
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,652
(thunder booming)
419
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:32,987
(wind gusting)
420
00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:36,793
(grunting and sputtering)
421
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,656
He's being waterboarded
by nature.
422
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:39,925
What do we do?
423
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:43,033
(straining):
I-I can't get him out.
424
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,996
The tree's too heavy.
425
00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:47,035
(à la Walter Cronkite):
And that's the way it is.
426
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:51,540
Friday, May 19, 1978.
427
00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:52,814
Oh, no.
428
00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:55,112
He thinks
he's Walter Cronkite again.
429
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,815
Man, that's some CBS.
430
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:02,087
From Dallas, Texas, the flash,
apparently official:
431
00:17:02,088 --> 00:17:05,418
President
Edmond Fitzgerald Kennedy died
432
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:09,125
at 1:00 p.m.
Central Standard Time.
433
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:12,959
Two o'clock, three o'clock,
four o'clock rock.
434
00:17:12,966 --> 00:17:14,296
Happy Days.
435
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:17,770
Sunday, Monday, Tom Bosley.
436
00:17:17,771 --> 00:17:19,271
(thunder cracks)
437
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,972
What are you doing?
438
00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:23,014
My phone's not working
'cause of the storm,
439
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:25,079
so I'm journaling
my tweets.
440
00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:27,481
Everyone, grab onto the tree
441
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,110
and see if we can lift it.
442
00:17:29,115 --> 00:17:30,815
Not you, Junior.
443
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:32,547
Yeah, step back,
heathen.
444
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,122
But...
But nothing. This is your fault.
445
00:17:35,121 --> 00:17:36,121
My fault?
446
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:37,122
How is it my fault?
447
00:17:37,123 --> 00:17:39,793
You got some bad mojo
going on, brother.
448
00:17:39,793 --> 00:17:42,363
This is what you get
when you make God mad.
449
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,962
No, this is what you get
when you ignore the warnings
450
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:47,674
of the National Weather
Service like a dumbass
451
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,027
and think you can
ride out a hurricane!
452
00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:54,036
And so Vietnam
and hippies and Watergate
453
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,870
and braless low hangers.
454
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:59,036
Just back off, Junior.
455
00:18:00,045 --> 00:18:02,045
(thunder rumbling)
456
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,448
(playing "Camptown Races")
457
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,821
One more time.
458
00:18:05,819 --> 00:18:09,119
♪ The camptown ladies sing
this song ♪
459
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:11,462
♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah
460
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,418
♪ The camptown racetrack's
five miles... ♪
461
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,686
(in normal voice):
There I am.
462
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,134
Thank you.
463
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,129
Junior, my boy.
464
00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,461
Come here, son.
465
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,696
He sounds bad.
466
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,270
How are we going
to get him out?
467
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,668
We've done everything
we can, Junior.
468
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:27,041
We're just going to have
to put it in God's hands.
469
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:29,640
That's a pretty good idea
because God is doing
470
00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:33,682
such a great job with the whole
world right now, sarc mark.
471
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,550
Damn it, Junior, stop it!
472
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:39,218
I know it might not make sense,
but that's what faith is:
473
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:41,019
standing in the face
of adversity
474
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,960
and believing that everything's
going to be okay.
475
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,787
Well, excuse me
for not believing
476
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,092
in things you can't
touch, see, or measure.
477
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:51,955
Junior, Han Solo didn't
believe in the Force,
478
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:54,025
but he didn't think
Luke Skywalker was
479
00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:55,603
an idiot
for believing in it.
480
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:56,672
But the Force...
481
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,599
Is what, an unseen presence
482
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:01,135
from which one draws
strength and inspiration?
483
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:04,211
How is that any different
from what I'm talking about?
484
00:19:05,944 --> 00:19:08,854
You just blew my mind,
Miss Donna.
485
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,308
Life is hard, Junior,
486
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,146
and when reason
and logic run out,
487
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:14,252
all you have left
is faith.
488
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,124
Believing that something
greater than myself
489
00:19:16,122 --> 00:19:17,262
is watching
over my family
490
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,357
gets me
through the rough patches.
491
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:21,089
It gives me peace.
492
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:23,494
Why would I choose
not to believe that?
493
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,626
(branch cracking)
494
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:25,761
Cleveland!
495
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:26,995
Aah, ant on the branch!
496
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,530
There's an ant on the branch!
497
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:29,795
He's red!
498
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,042
(frantic blowing)
499
00:19:35,707 --> 00:19:37,537
Hey, Lord,
how you doing?
500
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,314
Some weather, huh?
501
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:42,382
I know Cleveland and I don't
always get along, but he's...
502
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:43,982
Hey, my Frisbee--
it's in the tree.
503
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,823
I got my Frisbee back.
504
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:46,918
Thanks, God.
505
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:47,920
Perfect.
506
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,291
Now maybe
without the extra weight
507
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,359
of that Frisbee, I can do this.
508
00:19:51,357 --> 00:19:54,757
(straining)
509
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:56,291
Aah, hernia!
510
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:59,696
And Lord, I ask again
that you hear our prayers,
511
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,599
and if it be your will...
512
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:02,601
(gasps)
513
00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:03,802
Mama, did you see that?
514
00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:04,973
The tree moved.
515
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:06,841
God heard
our prayers.
516
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:09,639
(grunting)
517
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:12,512
Junior.
518
00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:15,512
Daddy, I'm so
glad you're okay.
519
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,805
If you died,
I don't think
520
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,516
they'd let me live
here anymore.
521
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,018
Probably not.
522
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,789
Junior, I know
it's been a rough day
523
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:23,188
and I don't want
to embarrass you,
524
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:26,789
but once again, as with
everything else in your life,
525
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:29,463
God has made you look
like a fool.
526
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:30,262
Huh?
527
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:31,963
God answered our prayers
528
00:20:31,965 --> 00:20:34,525
and got Cleveland out
from under the tree.
529
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,134
But...
Don't you see, son?
530
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:37,165
God does exist.
531
00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:39,300
He was here tonight
in this room.
532
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:41,335
You just witnessed
a miracle.
533
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,441
Well, not really.
534
00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:45,843
It was science,
basic engineering.
535
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:46,935
I did it.
536
00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:50,646
But God showed you
how to build that contraption.
537
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:51,950
No, I learned that in school.
538
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,751
God built the school.
539
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,353
Immigrants built the school.
540
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,985
Christian immigrants.
541
00:20:56,990 --> 00:20:58,420
I'm out.
542
00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:00,358
(groans)
543
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:01,460
(sneezes)
544
00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:02,661
God bless you.
545
00:21:02,711 --> 00:21:07,261
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